#and the ones I actually enjoy are solo. fandom related. and completely worthless on a resume

[bare1ythere]

do you know what its like being so absolutely crushed by everything but everyone around you is doing 10x more? And better? to have to constantly try to make yourself more marketable for a job or grad school? I just can't keep up I can't shake the feeling that I'm going to be left behind

[liquidcatt]

Steven Universe characters described by Encyclopedia Dramatica

Note: Don’t take these seriously please. This is meant to be a joke, so don’t start screaming/sending death threats at me because I didn’t write any of these. Please have an open mind. This contains offensive content 

Steven Universe(DeMayo)- The main character. As the bastard son of Rose Quartz, he has inherited all of her powers; such as healing literally anything ever, creating life, possessing people, and others. If you pose a threat to the planet's existence, Steven will still see you as capable of changing; but if you hit on him, you're worse than Hitler. Has PTSD.

Greg Universe(DeMayo)- Steven's dad. He's an ex-solo-musician with cat hair and the poster child for how to fail at life but still get the best girl. Seriously though he met Rose because she's the only person who liked his music. Now Greg runs a Car Wash and lives in a van, so Steven lives with the gems.

Connie- Steven's obligatory love interest. Connie's mom is a doctor and her dad is a cop who works for multiple beaches in multiple cities so she isn't in the same place for long, meaning she can't make friends. Because she has no friends she spend most of her time reading books and looking at boats. This probably means she knows about Onion's status as Satan. [Insert Un-funny Lolicon joke here.]

Rose Quartz- Steven's mom who had to become an hero to give birth to him. Apparently, she can find beauty in anything(even this show's fandom), has magical healing tears, the power to create minions from plant matter, and she used to plant magic moss bent on devouring everything because she doesn't give a fuck. She's a girl imbued with white attire, pink hair extensions and magical powers linked to a gem who had tried to 'heal' the spirits of the corrupted gems and forsaken her physical form because reasons. The definition of a Mary Sue. She's later discovered to be a fucking murderer.

Pearl- She is a smart-ass who thinks she's superior inferior to anything surrounding her. Has an unquenchable thirst for Rose Quartz. She watches Steven in his sleep. Since she can't sex it up with Rose anymore, she'll settle for the next best thing: Garnet. Her weapon is a Spiral-tipped spear.

Amethyst- A Gem that was grown on Earth by evil gems. FAs on Tumblr can NEVER get enough of her because, like a disturbingly high number of characters in this show, she's FA-worthy. Constantly stuffing her fat face (even though apparently Gems don't need food, or drink, or sleep, or air). Used her shapeshifting power to turn into her fursona, "The Purple Puma" and wreck people behind Pearl and Garnet's backs. You learn later in the series that she is Jasper's bitch and has shown to be worthless as hell. Her weapon is a spiked whip.

Garnet- The Leader of the Crystal Gems since Rose died. She is secretly a fusion of two lesbians (lesbians exist in kids' shows now). Her powers include seeing into the future, swimming in lava, and a diva voice. The Gem Homeworld is full of Dixie Confederate Republican gems that didn't like Garnet being Garnet, so she joined Rose Quartz's army to fight for Earth so she could be free to be a black hole of faggotry. The french dub of the show censored Garnet's gayness spawning a sewer flood of hate. Her weapon is a pair of gauntlets.

Ruby & Sapphire- Dwarf lesbians that make up Garnet. A hot-headed red one with fire powers and a cool-headed blue one with ice powers. Completely Original. Can't last five seconds apart from each other. They are the real reason why people started to watch the show and Rebecca likes to milk them whenever she can.

Lapis Lazuli- A waterbender. The Crystal Gems trapped her in a mirror for 5750 years until Steven broke her free. She flew to her homeworld in space to find that if you give a civilization 5750 years they tend to advance. She fused with Jasper so she could use her water-powers to trap herself and Jasper at the bottom of the ocean forever. Fans want to fuck her because tumblr fags think they relate to her 'abused' past. Thus, making her the most overrated and second to boot meme'd SU character and all that cringy shit.

Peridot- A racist who uses prosthetics and jerks off to The Diamond Authority. She used to be a baddie but now she's a goodie because of Steven's selective character redemption powers. As an "Era-2" peridot, she's a shitty millennial whose only power as a gem to be magneto.

Jasper- A roid-rager who Peridot dragged her with to Earth, is Lapis' abusive girlfriend and thinks Steven is Rose Quartz. She fused with Lapis after being jelly that Garnet is infinitely better than her in every way (even though she thinks fusion is for pussies) but Lapis dragged their fused body into the ocean. After separating from Lapis, Jasper became obsessed with fusing with her again, but was thrown back into the ocean. She later created an army of corrupted gems, but fuse-raped one of them and got AIDS.

Bismuth- The blacksmith that made all the Crystal Gems' weapons. She treated the war like an actual war and got bubbled for it. Upon her chimp out in her debut, the fans started demonizing Fructose for having a "black-coded" character be loud and aggressive, and also for stating that murder is wrong. Steven refused to shatter other gems, and this made Bismuth turn apeshit against Steven, attempting to shatter him. Dead

White Diamond- Best girl.

Yellow Diamond- Gem-Hitler. She wants to destroy the earth because killed her baby sister. She is such a boss that even the crewniverse fangirls over her VA.

Blue Diamond- A Sith Lord who refuses to accept the fact the Pink is dead, also a massive emo.

Pink Diamond- Worst Diamond. Only had one planet to her name before Rose Quartz fucking killed her.

Fusions

Opal- Whenever Pearl and Amethyst aren't arguing for no reason, they can perform fusion to "form Opal": a four-armed giant woman; the gems claim that they only fuse when they have no choice but hardly ever do it when they need to and when they do it it's hardly ever when they need to. Fun Fact: Originally they were going to pose her arms to form a swastika as a Hindu reference but were forced to scrap it because culturally ignorant Jews and Social Justice Warriors would have been offended and that can't ever happen. Her weapon is a bow.

Sugilite- Whenever a mission can only be completed with brute force and lots of it, Garnet and Amethyst will fuse to form Sugilite. In exchange for that power the three succumb to roid rage. Is voiced by Nicki Minaj. Obviously the SJ-Wankers were appalled by how obviously racist her character is, which surprised us all since SJWs typically jerk off to and worship the Steven Universe characters. Sugilite's weapon is a flail.

Sardonyx- A fusion of Garnet and Pearl. A gap-toothed cricket who apparently works at a casino. Pearl lies to Garnet so they keep having to fuse into her, because she enjoys how it feels, causing Garnet to get butthurt and ignore her for several episodes until Pearl basically admits to being a worthless cunt who can't do shit on her own. Her weapon is a giant hammer.

Malachite- The Lapis-Jasper fusion that dragged it's horrid form to the bottom of the sea to save the C-Gems, getting kinky with each other with whatever shit they find down there to pass the time. It ultimately got it's shit wrecked by Alexandrite.

Stevonnie- The accidental shota/loli fusion of Steven and Connie who frequently suffers from hallucinations brought on by Steven's own mental instability, initially thought to be Connie's fighting 'skills' being overwhelmed by her edgy 14 year old mind, being the downward spiral moment of the series if it had any upping points.

Smoky Quartz- A fusion of Steven and Amethyst. A ripoff of sardonyx. This fruit is such a shit waifu that 4chan straight up gave up on fapping to every gem in this show. Immediately, Tumblrites started drawing the most disgustingly obese incarnations of him that could exist, doubling the demand in Clorox bleach. His weapon's a yo-yo. No jokes, he flings a giant yo-yo at his enemies to attack.