#cant even draw for my own sanity. how the fuck am i supposed to have time to do everything they want me to

[bare1ythere]

do you know what its like being so absolutely crushed by everything but everyone around you is doing 10x more? And better? to have to constantly try to make yourself more marketable for a job or grad school? I just can't keep up I can't shake the feeling that I'm going to be left behind

[yinses]

college au! headcanons

gojo satoru, geto suguru & nanami kento

rqst: college au for nanami, geto and gojo?

a/n: so i divided it into three categories to help keep my head straight. honestly almost straight kicked gojo out of college bc i couldn’t decide on a major for him. the jjk discord server is heaven sent for my sanity. ty everyone again 🌺

last time i should have to post these. hoping everything is fine now. 

gojo satoru

MAJOR

—he starts off undecided for a long time. the fact that he’s on scholarship allows him to be more flexible with his classes given that he’s not responsible for costs. he grew up with expectations from his family but university is suppose to be his opportunity to spread his own wings and grow from his experiences.

—so he tries a bit of everything- sciences, music and social studies- anything to prompt a spark. (took a business class once and made a point to sit next to nanami everyday just to annoy him) by his second year he’s getting as frustrated as his counselor because if he doesn’t decide soon he’ll be a potential 5th year senior.

—he’s overthinking it but gojo wants to invest in what he believes will make the most significant impact to his ability. his counselor takes those crumbs and runs with it.

—he gets steered towards political science and actually excels at it (that advisor gets a raise). surprises most of the class with his analytical skills because they thought he was just a pretty boy- surprise he’s beautiful and smart.

—develops a vested interest in governmental policies. might run for president one day idk. brings donuts to his early am class. doesn’t share.

SOCIAL

—he’s not the jock per say, but as the star athlete of the basketball team, the school likes to take advantage of his image to draw in sponsors.

—his face is plastered all over the auditorium whether they’re in season or not. sometimes it’s not even to promote basketball, gojo is pretty and they’re not afraid to use it. which also makes him one of the most recognizable faces on campus.

—due to his student athlete contract, he’s not allowed to sign autographs freely in the event they’re attempted to be sold as quick cash. but yikes, he can barely walk to class without someone stopping him for a picture. to the best of his ability he tries to laugh it off, poster boy image and all, but it gets pretty fucking old and annoying quickly. especially when it makes him late for his next lesson and the instructor shows no sympathy.

—his height didn’t only help him get into basketball, but its also convenient when it comes to shouldering politely through the student masses. his golden rule is don’t make eye contact. the busier the crowds the easier it is for him to pretend like he could’t possibly have heard them.

—gojo doesnt scout fraternities, fraternities scout him. but he’s not interested in the slightest. as an athlete he already gets into any social circle he wants without the additional effort. that and he doesnt think he could tolerate an alpha male trying to exert his dominance without barking back.

—loves to show up to parties but always arrives late enough to the point where they don’t think he’s coming. it helps him slip in when he wants too. he’s a connoisseur of all alcohol varieties and a master of beer bong. he’s not necessarily the life of the party but his presence is kind of hard to miss.

RELATIONSHIPS

—he gets too much attention to date casually. most potential suitors are in it more for the benefits they receive than him anyway. he’s got enough on his plate with career indecisiveness and games to try to pursue anything serious before third year.

—he’s not completely celibate though. he tries to keep the same partners as long as he can. not only to keep himself clean and safe but because he often goes into an agreement to keep it casual. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. either way he gets coined as a ‘heartbreaker’ before the end of his freshman year. frankly the rumors obscure most of the truth and give him more freedom. people always expect that he’s with someone even when he’s not, which helps keep his invasive teammates off his back.

—gojo can easily graduate without securing something tangible but there is still a window for potential.

—you’re both his consistent classmate and occasional friends with benefits. its the former title that keeps bringing him back around. he cant exactly avoid you without subjecting himself to 8am classes. it helps that the sex is good too.

—he can text you an offer to study together for the next test and roll over after an hour and wreck you for the rest of the week. its hard to tell who gets addicted first but he does appreciate the way your skin looks when youre wearing his marks.

geto suguru

MAJOR

—he’s a STEM kid, particularly interested in bio-genetics to improve overall health. he believes that simply becoming a physician just keeps the issue at bay and his goal is to eradicate the problem at its source.

—since high school he’s been cataloging different programs across the country before deciding what he wanted and putting all his efforts into it. so it’s no surprise when he gets in.

—geto doesn’t need counselors but they’re required so he listens to them prattle on about using university as an opportunity to explore. this man came in with more college credits than most sophomores, he knows what he wants.

—always on-time to class and never misses an assignment. also that kid who goes above and beyond, even on the simple stuff. he rarely gets teased about it, not even behind his back. geto straight up scares some people even when he’s smiling.

—not afraid to correct teachers when they’re wrong. in fact he lives for it.

—he’s the one who graduated early and starts his master’s program before most of his age group declare their own majors.

SOCIAL

—he tends to frequent the same circles- handpicking his acquaintances out of class rosters, clubs and honor lists. he’s less in it for the friendship and more so to scout for potential research partners.

—met gojo in one of his science electives and literally carried him through the class. they somehow end up friends but only really hang out at each other’s places- bunch of chill movie nights and pizza.

—there is no interest in fraternities, but he does join university funded clubs that allow him to further his research. they give him unique access to labs, take him on trips to different conventions and have an alumni list a kilometer long for future collaborations.

—the man does not party but he will occasionally slip into quieter bars to ease some of his frustrations. he actually enjoys karaoke thursdays , not to sing for himself but the drunken antics of others bring him some amusement.

—smokes weed occasionally, but only his own product. it helps him relaxand fan out the stress. he never sells it but sometimes gojo nicks some of his stash. given that he gets drug tested often, geto doesn’t know how the athlete never gets caught.

RELATIONSHIPS

—not interested in seeking out relationships in the slightest. the man has a plan and he’s already married to it.

—he’s not completely immune to sexual advances though and occasionally splurges but none of the friends with benefits crap. he’ll hit it once and stay celibate for the rest of the year easily.

—you might be able to squeeze in as his fellow lab partner. remain invested in the work and not him and he’ll start noticing the little details of your company- the way you subtle perfume lingers on his lab coat hours after you’ve adorned for the day, how he knows you have to keep your hair up for safety precautions but he thinks about running his fingers through it daily and your mind, damn, he wonders what else you can come up with when he has you laid out on his sheets.

—if he’s interested, geto won’t hesitate to broach the topic. he’ll ask you out for coffee and when you try to bring up research he’ll be upfront about his attraction. ultimately if you start dating the two of you are an absolute unit- not that you weren’t before.

—you’re the one variable he didn’t plan for but he’s glad to have added you to the equation.

nanami kento

MAJOR

—he was made for the business world, brought by a CEO who raised him to inherit the company. administration major marketing minor.

—takes initiative in all his classes and is often coined as group leader for projects. mostly keeps to himself  and only speaks up when prompted or disagrees with something.

—he takes the earliest sessions possible because it means less people more often than not. doesn’t really care if its in the front, middle or back but always sits near the edge.

—doesn’t really want to but it looks good on his resume so he joins the marketing team where they present mock business plans for competitions. they win a lot. nanami honestly doesn’t care. but again it looks good.

—it only took him a brief summer internship to learn that he found nothing satisfying about board meetings and macro management.

—he decides to invest in law school to handle the company from a legal standpoint instead.

SOCIAL

— sort of like geto, only wants to make friends on a need be basis.

—he would rather keep to himself but knows the benefits of socializing so he interacts with his frequent classmates when he can- through study groups or car pooling to seminars.

—he does join a fraternity, its the same one his father did (and uncles, cousins, whatnot. its a generational thing). its geared towards bettering future leaders. they focus building resumes, charity events and run the organization like a proper business. nanami gets elected president by his third year and runs two terms.

—the only parties he attends are networking events- full of wine and fancy horderves. wine is plentiful but he’s always nursing a scotch on top of his headache. if one more person squeezes their stocks into a conversation he’s going to personally take down the whole market

—zero interest in college party life. spends some of his downtime at the campus theater watching old time movies and classic plays.

—he’s the coffee shop hoe. he wakes up early sometimes just to sit by the window and read some casual literature. has his own thermo that gives him free refills to cart to class. do not talk to this man before he’s had his caffeine.

RELATIONSHIP

—he probably has a high school sweetheart that he’s still clinging too, whether on the same campus or long distance. it helps him because he can’t really see himself pursuing a relationship while focusing on school.

—he’s been with you long enough that you understand his ambitions and won’t feel bested by them. the two of you have a system- starting the day off with sweet ‘good morning’ texts before class and ending the day with long conversations as you digest the last 12 hours.

—nanami is independent but he is thankful to have you to rely on when classes start to overwhelm him. the two of try to escape briefly for the weekend when you can. often going to near by reservations just to get off campus

—other times the two of you will cuddle close on your dorm bed, his long fingers combing through your hair while he reads over some notes for class.

—sometimes you have to be the one to tell him to take a break and to enjoy life while he can. even if that means dragging him the events and concerts hosted on campus. he resists at first but you can see the tension ebbing away as the night comes to a close.

—the two of you start living together in your senior year just because you can. he insists on buying a house. not only because he can afford it because it can be rented out after graduation. always the business man.

[cvokhauz]

i am spiralling for multiple reasons and maybe writing it out will help. it’s very difficult to get my own thoughts under control, i have not experienced this since i was about 13. first of all, my bachelor’s thesis is due today and while it is 99% percent done i keep putting off the actual putting of it in the digital repository for minuscule reasons because once it is there, that’s IT and i cannot change it and i live in fear i will notice some glaring mistake immediately after i do that, which is irrational as fuck. anyway i gotta basically just wait for the title confirmation and upload it and then go print it. (which costs money which is another thing i am paranoid about i keep spending and costing people money and for what, being an uncertain useless fucking wreck) and then whatever will be will be.

but being in this state for so long is making me question my sanity. i can’t fucking eat, i keep hurling up everything except like orange juice and mana, i am tense and have a pit of anxiety in my stomach which makes me wish for literally anything else. passive suicidal ideation extremely common.

now, i’ve convinced myself i have ADHD or some form of neurodivergency because i fit a lot of the experiential symptoms reported by other people, mostly interest-focused attention, highly fluctuating, trouble concentrating, memory like a fucking colander, need for stimulation (always doodling, drawing, reading)

but previously (at the Bad Time when i was 13) i got diagnosed with OCD, mostly on the basis of these same spiralling catastrophic thought patterns i am experiencing now, and i distinctly remember being unable to put down a book or any other form of stimulation keeping me occupied and engage with material reality because within like 15 minutes i would start shaking and crying uncontrollably. it feels very much like i am holding on to a last tiny straw to keep myself from slipping back to that place. obviously this is due to high stress of the situation right now, but also i can’t keep going on like this and i have not found meaningful help yet. i keep self-sabotaging by forgetting my appointment dates even if i write them down immediately in several places. i dont remember, i lose my diary, i lose my phone, forget to check email. i’ve tried to pursue clinical diagnosis in a reputable center in prague bc a friend recommended it, which took a tremendous amount of energy to reach out to and communicate out all the bureaucracy, but on the day i was supposed to go there, while on the fucking train to the place, they texted me to say my appointment is cancelled due to the clinician having covid vaccine complications. so since then i haven’t been able to muster up the energy for another try but i really fucking feel like i need to because this situation is unsustainable.

this is all absolutely ridiculous because i am studying psychology and want to become a clinical psychologist myself. lol. also im wondering if the adhd-like symptoms i am exhibiting are maybe partially developed as a coping mechanism for the ocd stuff? thoughts cant spiral if you have a million of them and always jump to the next shiny thing. cant dwell if u cant even concentrate. also i’ve seen my parents this weekend and it really struck me how much of the neurosis and dwelling comes from my dad (is it genetic? is it learned bc he projected it on me when i was small?) and the hyperactivity and self esteem issues from my mum, who is quintessentially an elementary school teacher at all times.

theoretically i know what a healthy goal for my life and mental health looks like, but i can’t fucking. get there. or cant seem to be able to get there. without external support. and the worse it gets the worse i get at reaching for this support. anyway. moral of the story is - even if my bakalářka fails, i will survive somehow and do a new one and get some fucking help hopefully.

i really should see someone about this.

[quietborderlineinfo]

Realizing I'm not alone.

Hey, I just discovered this blog, and after looking through like 15 pages I realized I needed to write to you. I’m not sure if you will post this, or if its just directly to those of you who mod this. I dont really do tumblr so I’m a bit unsure of how things work here, but I’d like to be anonymous if you could would be so nice to share this. All of you do an amazing job, I know I really appreciate it. I’ve had mental problems for a long time, some periods its been better, sometimes really fucking bad. I’ve been diagnosed with depression and anxiety before, yet I’ve always felt like theres something more than “regular depression and anxiety”. Like there is something wrong with me, yet I feel like I must be faking it. Especially on my good days. I’ve just started going to a psychiatrist, however its through the job insurance - so i only got ten appointments. For the last year I’ve tried to figure out whats wrong with me, trying to google my way to figure out where “I belong”. After taking LSD, I suddenly got a lot of “a-ha” moments, and I continue to learn a lot about myself, remembering things my brain has forgotten a long time ago. This has been both traumatizing, but also a relief. The fact that I’ve realized that a lot of things during my life, first and foremost isn’t my fault, that I deserved better. That I am worth of love, and that I’m not OK no matter how much I lie to everyone around me. How are you? GREAT! I saw one of the posts here, and I’ve never felt like a gif described my life better. 

I’ve been sexually assaulted by my father once when I was 4-6 years old, I cant really remember how old i was. He didn’t rape me, but he did push the limits and did things he never should have done. (In addition, he was never around, never kept his promises and I’ve heard so many fucked up things from him.) This has resulted in me not knowing where to draw the line, that being either sexually or socially. Not defending myself, or daring to stand up for myself when I know deep down I should’ve. I always fought so fucking hard for his love and acceptance. I never got it though, and it still hurts so bad. He left me, abandoned me, and it hurts. It was painful crying to sleep as a little girl because he wasn’t coming home after all. I hated him with all my heart, yet I loved him. All I ever wanted was for him to care, and I know you can relate to this. Just please, fucking care. But then again, they don’t. I know this day that he doesn’t. Perhaps he cares of me like a distant niece or something, but there is no real love there. Just a polite hug as we see each other once a year.

The classical getting bullied in school is also a part of my story, it has been so fucking hard to both get and keep friends. When I find someone I like, I cling on to them as if they were my lifeline. And as I’ve seen here, I’m not the only one that grabs so tight to the relationship that I end up suffocating it. I’ve suffocated A LOT of relationships, either friends of boyfriends. I have issues with trusting people, believing that they will keep their word. Its so hard to deal with, and I wish it wasn’t. It frustrates me that these issues are such a big part of my life, and that it has effected me to the degree it has. Obviously I cant do much about the past, but I feel like all of this could have been avoided somehow. It feels unnecessary. It makes me angry. It makes me rage inside. All. The. Time. I’ve always dealt good with people, and I realize it must be because I adapt to them way to much. Agreeing on things I dont really agree with, but I dislike when people get mad at me, so therefore I adjust to keep everyone happy and end up forgetting who I am. Asking questions like: Are these really my opinions? Is this something I would say? Isn’t this mean? Perhaps thats why everybody likes me at first sight, I adjust tho who they are and always meet them in the middle, if not all the way through. Saying yes to things I dont really want to do, or lacking the courage to say no when I need to. For instance, after taking LSD, I realized how much and with how many I’ve had sex with, that I’ve had just because I adapted, didn’t know how to say no - because I didn’t want them to feel uncomfortable. Even if it meant I had to go somewhere else in my head and pretend I “was there with them”. It makes me sick to my gut, really. How self-destructive I’ve been without realizing it. How many stupid impuls-decisions I’ve done throughout my life. Many of them still affect me and the relationship that I’m in. I totally recognize this “Now I’m gonna do what ever the FUCK I WANT, let’s see if you really care!” feeling/actions, I never understood that this was what I was doing, but it was. I see that now. And that is really hard to deal with, its hard to accept, and even forgiving myself for all these idiotic things I’ve done on impuls. It was a idiotic way for me to get attention. I’ve had affairs, lied and manipulated to the ones I love the most in life. It’s so frustrating, I have, and still do spend a lot of time hating myself for all the things I’ve done. I know it’s not helping, but it’s hard to stop.  The point is, I’ve always felt alone with how my head works. Questioning my sanity, thinking that nobody could feel this way: But looking into this tumblr blog, I felt like I read through my own mind, and life. It’s kinda scary, yet it feels so good that I’m not the only one feeling this way. Yeah, it’s just nice to know that Im not alone. And I appreciate all of you out there, who shared all of you small individual points of life. Even as small as a gif. It meant more to me then I could ever describe, so thanks to all of you out there. Thanks for making me realize that Im not alone. After doing research for three days, reading all this stuff about quite borderline, I’ve never felt more understood. I have no diagnose of this, but bet your ass I will talk to my psychiatrist about it next week. I think I need to fight for this. It’s not like I want to have quiet borderline, I see it all over here how hard it is for you guys, and I feel the exact same way. But I’d rather get a diagnose and get help than go through this on my own, I want to be better. For those around me, for myself. Even if this never goes away, I will know that there is a reason behind it. I will kind off know why, if that makes sense. And I wont be alone, and that feels fucking amazing. I’m not the only one raging like a rollercoaster on the inside. I don’t know what this post is supposed to be. It’s a bit unorganized, not all things are in here that probably should, but I guess you might know that it’s hard to put feelings and experiences into words. I just wanted to share a piece of me I never felt I could share with anyone, and all of you made me want to write this down. If you read through all this, thank you for taking your time to listen to my words. It means a lot to me, it really does. I love you, strangers.