#and then during the finale the host completely forgot about me when calling faculty bows | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sassmill · 1 year

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My brain is like. Weird right now. Is it related to not taking my Lexapro because I know it doesn’t interact well with dayquil and I needed the post nasal drip to stop? Theoretically but also this has been building for days.

#didn’t get any cartharsis from finishing the year with the studio #because the director sort of jacked my students and I walked in to her running a staging rehearsal that she decided upon on her own #imagine getting backstage and realizing your music is playing and feeling like you missed something because your students are onstage #and I panicked like was there a rehearsal scheduled that I forgot about??#nope she just decided to grab them as soon as they arrived to clean their piece without me #like either agree with me that the piece is a mess or don’t #but don’t keep reassuring me it looks good and then undermine me like that #I know it’s a mess #so that really set me up in a shitty mood #because it was also basically my last show with them after 20 years and it ended on a low note #not hosting either event because of my injury (?) and the depression #and like literally at the same time she’s been so supportive and checked in on me #but also it doesn’t feel supportive to lie to me about the piece I choreographed looking good and then run extra rehearsals without me #and then during the finale the host completely forgot about me when calling faculty bows #so even in a moment that should’ve felt good should’ve felt like a natural conclusion should’ve been a moment of release #somebody fucked up and I ended up feeling like an afterthought #almost started crying backstage while the host fumbled to recover and call me on #so. this weekend was a lot on top of a lot. and they had enough company students to manage without me.#which was a relief but also awful because I felt useless #the first time I didn’t stay all day and at least help crew #just weird weird weird #the only thing that felt good was writing her that letter and realizing just how much she’s done for me over the past decade #and then when she hugged me and said the exact same thing as I wrote in the letter she had yet to open #that felt. good. on a cosmic level.#so logically I know I will get better things will get better #and I can always go visit her #and I know she understands what I’m going through #but yeah it also all simultaneously sucks and she is the only person that has actually been any comfort to me #meanwhile I’m at home with my mother who is telling me to just ‘choose to be relieved’ like that’s how feelings work #it’s trauma hours

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