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#didn’t get any cartharsis from finishing the year with the studio
sassmill
·
1 year
Text
My brain is like. Weird right now. Is it related to not taking my Lexapro because I know it doesn’t interact well with dayquil and I needed the post nasal drip to stop? Theoretically but also this has been building for days.
#didn’t get any cartharsis from finishing the year with the studio
#because the director sort of jacked my students and I walked in to her running a staging rehearsal that she decided upon on her own
#imagine getting backstage and realizing your music is playing and feeling like you missed something because your students are onstage
#and I panicked like was there a rehearsal scheduled that I forgot about??
#nope she just decided to grab them as soon as they arrived to clean their piece without me
#like either agree with me that the piece is a mess or don’t
#but don’t keep reassuring me it looks good and then undermine me like that
#I know it’s a mess
#so that really set me up in a shitty mood
#because it was also basically my last show with them after 20 years and it ended on a low note
#not hosting either event because of my injury (?) and the depression
#and like literally at the same time she’s been so supportive and checked in on me
#but also it doesn’t feel supportive to lie to me about the piece I choreographed looking good and then run extra rehearsals without me
#and then during the finale the host completely forgot about me when calling faculty bows
#so even in a moment that should’ve felt good should’ve felt like a natural conclusion should’ve been a moment of release
#somebody fucked up and I ended up feeling like an afterthought
#almost started crying backstage while the host fumbled to recover and call me on
#so. this weekend was a lot on top of a lot. and they had enough company students to manage without me.
#which was a relief but also awful because I felt useless
#the first time I didn’t stay all day and at least help crew
#just weird weird weird
#the only thing that felt good was writing her that letter and realizing just how much she’s done for me over the past decade
#and then when she hugged me and said the exact same thing as I wrote in the letter she had yet to open
#that felt. good. on a cosmic level.
#so logically I know I will get better things will get better
#and I can always go visit her
#and I know she understands what I’m going through
#but yeah it also all simultaneously sucks and she is the only person that has actually been any comfort to me
#meanwhile I’m at home with my mother who is telling me to just ‘choose to be relieved’ like that’s how feelings work
#it’s trauma hours
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