#and then left me on read for weeks lmfaooo and the next time i saw her she complained about someone else leaving her on read

[hotgirlmuseboardxo]

having friends as a high-functioning mentally ill person is actually hella fucking hard bc when you're doing good ppl forget that your brain doesn't work like theirs, and when you're doing bad they want nothing to do with you bc they don't recognize or understand that version of you

[anime-kia]

Noncommittal

I guess this is me getting somethings off my chest. I'm in my feelings and I'm SICK! Men are annoying LMFAOOO:(OOOOO.

Warnings: Angst

Relationship: Ex Boyfriend Erik x Reader (but y'all are talking... cuz... feelings...)

I was listening to You Don't Know by Tank feat. Wale while writing this. You can also listen to Kehlani's new album if you need a soundtrack lol.

You had no idea what plans God had made for you when this man walked into your life. It had to be some sick joke. 

You met Erik five years ago, and dated eight months after knowing each other. He was perfect, your ideal partner that you weren't actively seeking. You even saw a future with him, a small wedding, and maybe a few kids, but it all came crashing down in an instant. 

Broken communication and wandering eyes were the key factors in the end of what you thought was your future. 

Baby ❤️: I'm just not feeling it anymore...

You couldn't count on your fingers how many times you read his text over and over again. He didn't even the balls to breakup with you in person. 

The tears fell from your eyes, coating your phone screen in a slick layer. Constantly you wiped it with your sleeve, but more kept falling. 

The devastation left you to leave him with a simple 'Okay'. Too broken to be mad, and for months, too sad to be optimistic. 

You spent nights in bed, tears streaming down your cheeks. He was running through your mind from morning to night. Despite all your friends telling you to forget about him, it was hard to forget someone who had you smiling so hard that your cheeks started to hurt. Laughing so hard that tears would spill from your eyes. 

But those were happy tears...

Now... These tear filled eyes were followed by headaches, heartache and snot.  

Though Erik himself stayed off of social media, his new girlfriend surely didn't. Thanks to your best friend, the pretty brown skin with hazel eyes was now someone you stalked from time to time. Just to see his face... That smile that had you bending at will, his every command. 

There were a few videos of them, at restaurants, the basketball court, and other places he would visit with you. Often times he would push the camera away when she aimed it at him, complaining about "the feds".

However there was one picture that made you itch. His head wasn't in the frame, but she had hers against his chest, manicured fingers sprawled across that brawny frame. The caption made it even worse: He's gonna put a ring on it 😘 

Only if she knew that Erik didn't like commitment... That would've avoided the horrible remarks she made about him exactly two weeks after that last post. 

You felt embarrassed for her, but at the same time you were happy that she wasn't with your m- With Erik. 

A couple years later and you were back to yourself, not pressed or crying over Erik anymore. He wasn't running through your mind day to night. 

It was all going great, you were even dating again. And just before you did enter a relationship with the date your sister set you up with, he came back.

A contact that shifted all the way to the bottom of your list had made its way back on top.

His number being the only thing showing, but you memorized it long ago.

Hey. Wyd?

You stared at the message, heart rate picking up and all the emotions flooding back in at once. 

A simple question as that and you felt like you'd been ask to solve the hardest equation in the world. 

Should I ignore it?          

But of course you couldn't. Your heart wouldn't allow you to.

Getting ready to go on a date.

Petty always was the best way to go...  However, it was true. Your date would be pulling up in the next thirty minutes to take you to an Italian restaurant. 

When you getting back?

Again, you stared at the message baffled. What did it matter to him?

Idk.

And that was that. 

Or so you thought. 

"I don't know, the way that waitress was staring at you makes me feel like I have competition." You joked with your date, Rome, who just pulled into your driveway.

But the lights shining on the figure sitting on the steps of your front porch had the both of you quiet for a moment.

"Nah, maybe I'm the one who got competition." He said with a troubled tone.

"I... Rome, thank you for this. I'll call you later, okay?" You kissed him on the cheek and exited the car.

"You want me to come with you?" 

"I'll be okay." You gave him a smile. He nodded and you waved him goodbye, watching as the car pulled out of the driveway.

Erik was staring at you, still seated. It was hard to see his face now that the headlights weren't shining anymore, and the porch light was off. 

You walked closer, ready to remove your heels that threatened to toss you to the ground with a small misstep. 

"Why are you here, Erik?" 

"To see you." 

"For what?" 

"What you mean for what? I'm not allowed to see you?"

You stared at him incredulously. 

"There's nothing to see..." You moved around him, but he caught your arm, staring your body down.

He would say otherwise. Erik kissed his teeth, irked that you had the audacity to step out the house in a slim fitting dress and high heels for another man. 

"Nah, there's a lot to see, ma." He bit his bottom lip, gold slugs glowing in the dark. His eyes were drowned in lust, hypnotizing you as if nothing happened.

Things were never the same, even after you allowed him back into your life. You didn't take him back, you couldn't. 

The fear of him breaking your heart, and the fear of the feelings you felt all those years ago terrified you. So all you could resort to was a situationship. 

Admitted, it wasn't ideal for your future plans. You still wanted to get married and you still wanted children. Everything Erik didn't want back then. 

However, one drunk night of FaceTime resulted in you promising to have his baby in the next few years. Was it a mistake? 

At first, you believed that he didn't want to be in a relationship with you, but if there was one thing you could confirm, it was that he didn't want you to be boo'd up with anyone who wasn't him.

Until one day he made a suggestion.

"I think you need to be with me."

You stared at him, one eyebrow raised then looked away before speaking. "I really don't think that's a good idea, Erik." You couldn't look him in his eyes.

Of course you wanted him back, you were in love with him. No matter what he did, your heart couldn't let go of him. But you refused to be broken again. 

"Why not?"

"Cuz I don't want to go through everything we did before. I can't."

After that, he didn't bring it up again. 

Though you wanted him to, just to vent to him and get everything off your chest. But he wouldn't... So you were left with an active mind, which became even more active once he started showing up less.

Not a text, not a phone call.

Truly, you were exhausted. You were sick of him putting you in your feelings, just to go MIA and return at his own will. 

It made you wonder if he even cared. Or were you just entertainment while other females weren't available? 

You were a human with valid emotions.

No matter how much you cussed him in private, saying you were done with him, you knew it was lie. 

He had you wrapped around his finger, because maybe fate decided that he was your soulmate. A twisted and sick joke made by the universe, tying you to this man who didn't know within himself what he wanted. 

Maybe Prince Charming would be out there to save you one day, but for now... Erik Stevens had you under a spell that felt impossible to break. 

I hope y'all enjoyed!

I been meaning to get this off my chest and into my diary (yes I have one), but I decided to write instead and of course due to story purposes I changed up quite a bit from my actual situation lol. 

Thanks for reading!

(Start/Finish: May 17, 2020)

[remcycl333]

you don’t need to be happy to be manifest!! but...

who doesn’t want to be happy?

(long post alert, sorry in advance lol. but please read it all the way through, i really think it’ll be worth it<3)

ok, to preface this, you don’t need to be happy to manifest. i’ve manifested great, positive things while i was in depressive episodes. i manifested wonderful things with tears streaming down my face. BUT, i think something a lot of people overlook is that it’s really beneficial to feel positively about your desires.

this is something i realized a few months ago, saw great results from, and then forgot all about and, well, stopped seeing the progress i wanted. but i’m back on track now, don’t you worry.

(i’m going to be using the example of my sp, bc that’s what i have the most experience with, but this applies to literally anything u r manifesting) 

i’ve made a few other posts saying pretty much what i’m about to say in this next paragraph, so if you’ve already read those, i’m sorry for repeating myself. just bear with me lol. 

so i came to a realization a few months ago--and i don’t exactly remember how i came to this realization--that i kind of...hated my sp? like i fucking resented him. and i was like, wait a minute, that’s not right. i love my sp. that’s why i’m trying to manifest him! so why do i feel like this?

i used to focus on manifesting in steps, so naturally the first step was contact. so i’d be affirming all day every day “my sp is texting me right fucking now😡“ (and other variations) and then when he didn’t text me, it’d just make me angry at him. but technically, he didn’t even do anything wrong?? sure he didn’t text me, but he had no clue he was supposed to? idk it was all complicated and weird. and then when i wasn’t mad that he didn’t text me, i was having arguments with him in my head, preparing for some weird fight that my brain just assumed was going to happen whenever we did get into contact. which is weird, bc my sp and i never fight. like, this is my ex. yet i literally cannot tell you a single fight that we have ever had. we literally get along perfectly. we have never fought (or even argued) once in all the time that we’ve known each other. yet my brain was always fighting him. and it was just, exhausting?

and so one day, when i was troubleshooting, i realized: rem, if you were in a relationship right now with your sp, would u hate him? would u be constantly fighting with him? god i fucking hope not! 

now, what would i be thinking? i’d be laying in bed at night, hugging my pillow, thinking about how much i love him. reflecting on how happy he makes me, how perfect he is, how good he makes me feel. i’d be thinking about how he is the most perfect boyfriend i could ever have asked for. i’d be content after spending a long day with him, excited to spend the next day with him as well. 

and during the day i wouldn’t be wondering why he wasn’t texting me. if anything, i’d be wondering why he was texting me considering we were literally hanging out, together, at that very moment! 

i would trust him. i’d be walking on cloud nine. i’d be content. i’d be...happy. 

now, in no way am i saying that you need to be happy 24/7, or dancing on air, or feeling intense butterflies in your stomach. you’re allowed to have other emotions. you’re allowed to feel anger, you’re allowed to break down and cry! you’re allowed to have bad days. but if you’re feeling these negative emotions about your desire, i want you to try your hardest to release them. i don’t think any of us want to have breakdowns over our manifestations and cry about them, but if it happens, it happens. just pick yourself up afterwards--or stop it before it even really begins, trust me, it gets easier to do this--and maybe do a few deep breaths to calm yourself down, and remind yourself why you’re on this journey in the first place. once again using the sp example, it’s because you love your sp. because they are perfect for you! they make you happy. you love their smile, their laugh, the witty conversations you have with each other. you love being in their arms.  you love when they’re in your arms! they did something that made you fall in love with them, or want to be in a relationship with them. what was it? focus on that. 

enough with the sammy ingram (i could go on a whole rant about her) style affirmations. with the “he’s going to fucking text me, he has no choice, he’s my fucking boyfriend and he does what i say.” like....ew?? i used to say shit like this, and it was really what started making me resent my sp. i was ordering him around in my head, creating this weird dynamic between us (which, he wasn’t even aware was there), and getting mad when he wasn’t doing what i was ordering him to do. looking back, it was borderline psychotic. it was just turning it into me against him, and that’s not what i wanted at all. i want to be in a relationship with him, with mutual love. i don’t want to be his boss, or his mom, or his fucking military sergeant!! (i don’t even know if that was the proper term bc fuck the military, but u guys know what i mean lmfaooo)

(disclaimer if u use these types of affirmations and they work for you, go for it. but i used them for a while and they just weren’t it for me. carry on)

i guess what i’m trying to say is, those affirmations weren’t making me feel good. they weren’t making me feel like a “boss ass bitch”. they were making me feel...like a bitch. and strangely, powerless. i’d say these affirmations, or just bland ones where i wasn’t necessarily demanding my sp to throw himself at my feet and kiss my shoes and tell me he is nothing without me, and ultimately, if i wasn’t feeling resentment, i was feeling...nothing. 

once again, i want to make this so so so clear, you don’t need to be happy to manifest. but my belief? if your affirmations aren’t making you feel joy, or excitement, or contentment, then what’s the fucking point? if you think of your desire, and don’t feel positive feelings about it, then you might have lost your way a little. 

don’t worry!! it’s an easy fix. easy, and even...fun? rewarding? comforting? i just want you to take some time--laying in bed at night is the perfect time to do this in my experience--to think about why you want your desire so badly. do you want money? think of how great life is going to be once you have it. of all the stuff you’re going to buy, for yourself, and maybe even for others. don’t focus on the problems you want to fix with it right now. think of that clothing item you’ve had your eye on, or that book you’ve been wanting to read but haven’t felt like “wasting” money on. think of how excited you are to buy those things, because you’re going to! think of the good. not the bad.

remember: you create more of what you focus on. focus on the good, get the good. focus more on the bad...get more of the bad. 

your manifestation is done. it is created. it is on it’s way to you. it is here! all there’s left to do is feel excited. it’ll be here any moment now, how fucking exciting is that! it’s safe for you to be happy. it’s safe for you to focus on the feelings you would have if you had it, rather than focus on affirming specifically to bring it to you. it is safe to be happy. 

i used to affirm solely for contact, all day every day, and sometimes i’d get it. but it’d be short lived, my sp would be distant, etc. but then once i started focusing on truly living in the end and basking in my love for my sp, thinking about how perfect and amazing he is, i not only got contact (without having to specifically affirm for it), but he was actively engaged in our conversations, making up new topics to keep the conversation going, asking me about and expressing interest in my hobbies and interests, bringing up and reminiscing on old memories of our previous relationship, complimenting me, flirting with me, asking me to hang out, etc. shit i was not getting when i was “he is so fucking in love with me and he’s texting me right fucking now”-ing all day long. i started focusing on how amazing and perfect and good to me he was, and that’s exactly what i got in my reality. who would’ve thunk? 

and you know what? yeah, he fucking loves me. he misses me and he wants to be with me. but that’s a given. but that doesn’t fucking matter. i am the only person who matters in my reality!! sure he loves me, but do i love him??? that’s what the universe wants to know. that’s what truly fucking matters. the universe brings me my desires. so i’m gonna fucking desire it! 

guys, please trust me on this. just try it out, with whatever you’re manifesting. this could be what you’re missing. this could bring your manifestation to you. i promise, if you’re like i was and feel resententment or anger or hatred towards your desire, this is going to make you feel so fucking good. just stick with this for a week or two. i promise, you’ll see movement.

and remember, there is no one to change but self. don’t change them (or it), change your perception of them (or it). 

let’s make manifesting fun again!!! it’s the perfect tool to bring happiness into your life. so fucking let it!!!! 

so no, you don’t need to be happy in order to manifest. but....maybe, just maybe, prioritizing your happiness isn’t such a bad thing. i mean, who doesn’t want to be happy?

[defunctblogtobedeleted]

6/11/17, 1:41am - post vacation

It’s been two weeks since I last wrote. Goddamn it feels like months.

The day after saturday.... So Sunday my family shows up at my place, mom immediately starts going through my shit until I start yelling and smacking her on the back of the head. Definitely not a good note to start off on.

The trip was pretty fucking great. Idk if they’re highlights but I just wanna ramble off a bunch of memories. Ate at Cracker Barrel on the way down because Trusten always felt left out when me and Tessa would go eat there with my dad. Little did he know that was my least favorite place he would take us, but it was a nice dinner nonetheless lmao.  The subject of my vasectomy became a huge topic all trip, partially because I had to bring up trying to keep my shit from getting infected whenever we would go swimming. Immediately jumped into the beach though it was fantastic. The water was beautifully clear and so warm, like taking a bath. Got to know my cousins a lot better. Christina is great, but also made me happy I’m not about to have a kid at my age. Got to see my aunts and stuff too, I can’t rag on her too hard because one has cancer, but they were talking about some pseudo-spiritualism-science for a long time and I just had to smile and keep my mouth shut for a while. “I’ve read it takes 48 days for the spirit of the deceased to reach the heavens. And it takes 48 days for a developing baby to be imbued with the spirit. Coincidence??” yeah idk lmfao. Great dance party with the fam though lol. Tessa’s looking unhealthily skinny but tremendously happy. I’m glad she’s back and done with her crazy dieting. Puts me to shame, tbh. Kinda makes me want to go a little harder and finish trimming off my fat but I’ve got more healthy plans I’m gonna start working on I think. Saw danni and her new gf, she cut my hair and gave me a new dye job. Was frustrated that I had to have so much cut off because I wanted to keep growing it out, but it Does look pretty fucking great and I have faith in her regardless lol. Smoked with her and grandpa and mom and talked about a whole bunch of shit. Tried to explain about how I treasure my personal time way more than investing my time into growing my wealth, had to try and do it without giving him shit for spending all his time trying to make money and not having any of it left to himself after the divorce. Also asked if he was gay and he said nah so that puts that to bed lmaooo. we went out to the Keys and that was kind of a disaster. I always kinda romanticized the thought of them when I was a kid, remembering like bright white sandy beaches and beautiful water, but there’s actually not much of that at all down there. The beach we went to smelt like rot. It was beautiful but covered in seagrass and very shallow, me and tessa and tav and trusten had a nice time of swimming against the current together joking about shit. Made a nice dinner of fried salmon and asparagus for my little brothers. Felt nice to cook again, should probably do more of that. Things boiled over with my mom when she kept fucking with the other food I picked out for us. Wasted a whole pack of bacon out of spite and so I flipped shit and decided I was done with them. Spent a day playing video games and tanning and laying around, was probably best to heal up my nuts anyway lol. We left the keys a day early because of it, but not before we got to watch this tenacious D video that they had. No wifi lol. Lessee. Came back up, saw gabbi and I think I like her new bf. They seem pretty good together, but I tried to warn them to not nitipick each other to death now that they’re moving in together. Good luck lmfao. Drank 9 beers and a cider with my uncle DJ and cousin Dom and his girlfriend was cute too, I shared wayyy too much about my life, told half my family about how I had my friends photograph me fucking at the old well, but ate some delicious fucking italian cooking and had a wonderful night. Smoked with DJ and mom and listened to their old stories of growing up as kids and getting into trouble for smoking and stuff. Oh and right before the keys I started binge watching Doctor Who. Since Katy went and watched every single episode of rick and morty in one night I asked her what her favorite show was that I could do. Doctor Who is a Little more involved, but I’ve gotta say it’s fucking incredible. Fell in love with it within minutes, had me giggling like an idiot all week. I’d stay up til like 7am watching episodes, get a few hours of sleep and then try to do whatever everyone else was though by the end of the trip it wasn’t much. The drive home wasn’t very eventful, me and mom split it, and it ended at a nice pit stop at dar and pa’s for some pancakes and a nap before I had to head home. Was trying to do a melee tournament and see katy and found out I needed to get my tire fixed, but then costco was going to take too long and so would melee so I just got back to greensboro and had a nice night of watching adventure time and a little sex and cuddles. Pretty fucking solid vacation despite the fighting with the fam, not gonna lie. Plus this is like the first time I look really not-fat in beach pictures, it’s kinda incredible.

So Katy... I spent a lot of time talking to Katy. We’ve at least snapchatted every day for the past month now, but haven’t had another drunk convo like when I was at the lake. After seeing her when I got back on monday I also spent the night with her again weds, and we’ve been bingewatching Adventure Time from the beginning and I took her out to eat at Smith Street Diner, it’s all been fantastic. But she couldn’t see me tuesday because she had another guy friend over (and another on thursday, but I was at work anyway lol). So I get kinda jealous that she has this beautiful ass kid and all these other guys wanting to fuck her, mostly because I don’t have other people or a very decent schedule to hook up right now, orr even get to go out drinking with her. Feelsbadman. It also feels like it’d be too much work/money to try to get a side chick anyway, and plus, melee is my real side hoe let’s not kid ourselves.. [speaking of which, the day I couldn’t see her I kicked ass at melee and won a little money, so that was pretty fucking great.] She’s amazing to spend time with and she gave me a toothbrush to keep in her bathroom and I love cuddling up with her beautiful body, but tbh she’s pretty standoffish whenever I try to get too intimate in person (mostly trying to kiss her too much), and when she refuses to send me a message back because she’s with somebody else I can’t help but shake this feeling like I’m not good enough for her... Feelings are stupid. I worry about going too hard too fast with her, but every time I’ve gone too far off the deep end she’s been able to laugh it off, which I think is incredible. Definitely should have scared her off with the shit I was saying about trying to make her fall in love with me (and not vice versa, for the record, because I still don’t have any feelings <:^D ) when I was 10 drinks deep, but somehow she even laughed that off. Plus she’s fantastically nerdy and exposed me to doctor who and this show is like my favorite shit right now lmao. I’ve just wrapped up the fourth season, which is about 37 hours of watching within the past two weeks.. It’s so fucking goooood, man. She told me all I had to do was catch up to her at the 12th doctor but I wanna go back and watch all the old stuff after that, too. so like 56/835 episodes done so far so good lmaoo. Anyway. Idk I just hope I get to spend a lot more time with her doing cool shit. I don’t know what I am to her, so I have no idea if this is gonna go anywhere, but it really doesn’t matter all that much to me anyway. I just enjoy hanging out with her, and she got me to quit smoking cigarettes completely, and now I’m watching this wonderful show instead of wasting my fucking life bored on twitch streams, and I’m even actually starting to get motivated to start exercising again. And the sex is greattttt lmaooo. So I want to spend as much time with her as possible. It’s pretty gay, not gonna lie, but that’s where I’m at right now. Idk why I’ve always needed some cute girlie to help motivate me to get my shit done, though. Personal flaws...

OH HOLY FUCK so this week was the most productive week ever though, because not only did I manage to get laid and place 3rd in melee this week, I also FINALLY got to take the exam for my RPSGT!! The day I was originally scheduled for was a shit show, I drove 2 hours out to fayetteville and found out they had fucked up my registration and I didn’t get to take it that day after waiting for hours to see if they could fix it, but luckily I was able to get rescheduled for the day after, so I left Katy’s place to go to Durham and took it at 8am thursday. I was fucking sweating a little, not gonna lie. They were asking me all sorts of questions about pediatric sleep medicine that I wasn’t quite prepared for, and some of the scoring questions were confusing to me, but I managed to pass! So now I finalllllllllly have made it to become a real sleep tech. Gonna get that fat raise and finally get to a point where I can stop worrying about money, it’s fucking phenomenal.

So I’m so fucking ready to get off work... Gonna go back to raleigh today and see fonzi and frankie and maybe johnny so that’s gonna be sick. There’s this new melee mod that came out so I’m thinking about getting a soldering iron and fucking with my controller, maybe I’ll actually be good at this game lol. Dunno when I’m hanging with katy next hopefully every day lmfaooo. I guess I’ll update when I update.