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trnbrypngnbn · 7 years

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Hi, my name is Trina, 17 year old girl who chose to left home at a young age. Yes I do have a boyfriend, but that's not just the reason behind. There's a lot more. I do not intend to left home just because my father scolded me about knowing my secret relationship with someone. It's far more than that. And now is the time for me to speak for myself. I lived with my grandma for a long time since I was a baby, she was the one who raised me with so much love, care, affection and a lot more learning in life and about God. I am raised in a family who had a very strong faith. But despite growing up with all of those I grew up being a hard headed girl, not too much but a mild one. What I mean is, I do what I want to do, I tried whats in trend for the kids, for teens. It all started when I reached Grade 5, that's the start where I am courted by boys, but it never came up like a very much problem that time cause my grandma tries to talk to me in a way that I will surely understand what she preach. She will listen to whatever I have to say then after that she will take action to it. Then came my high school days, when I was in first year I am drawn to KPOP, everyone knows I love to dance, again... it all started when I entered a Cover Group, a dance group as you called. Every Saturday or Sunday I will ask for permission to practice at Anda, Intramuros. From Morning till Night because it's just a one day practice every week and yet theres a competition per month at that time so we have to struggle for time management, I am so late in coming back home, I even broke my curfew because of dancing. What hurts the most is, everyone thinks that I am taking drugs, or I am at a gimik, or I am with a boyfriend. To end that up, I let them know who am I with. Yes, it was all stress and I couldn't blame my grandma for that. I love her, but I love my hobby too. But I am studying hard, in fact I'm at cream of the crop section, the section 1. There's nothing to worry about my studies, I never let my Grandma down about it. Time goes by, I am in 3rd year. As far as I remember it was half way that year, my parents came back here in Philippines from Dubai. The same reason, my grandma can't take good care of us because she's stressed and she's getting old. At first, my mom seems to treat us good and with care. I love that feeling, she even takes good care of me when I caught a high fever. But a little time goes by, she became rough. One thing I can't forget that happened was when she slapped me in the middle of a whole court in our school with a lot of classes going on. Everyone was shooked, even I can't do anything but to cry. The reason? I pleaded for her to bring my project that I left in our home. That day was deadline, I was too busy, I have lots of report and projects going on that's why I left that one accidentally. She replied to me "Iresponsable ka kasi." And then she came raging, slapped me infront of my classmates and everyone else. Gladly my sister came with her, she was dragged by my sister to prevent any other misbehavior to happen. It's not that much, but my confidence broke down, ofcourse. After that incident, my classmates repeatedly asks me whats with my mom, whats the problem, and I couldn't tell them. I have a reputation inside the school to keep and it went like that. Patuloy lang yung mga ganitong bagay. Inside our house there is 4 of us. My mom, dad, my sister and me. I am treated as a blacksheep of the family. Right from the start I heard my mom blame me saying, "Di naman kami uuwi dito kung hindi dahil sayo eh. Matigas kasi ulo mo. Ang ganda ganda ng buhay namin sa Dubai, di kagaya dito mahirap kumita ng pera!" I just shrugged and still do my thing. To enjoy, study, and be with people who knows my true personality. When I'm outside, I am joyful yet reserved one. Many people get intimidated to me, and see me like a very good child. Like I don't do anything bad. While inside the house, they think like I am a very bad person. My mom and dad always says, "Wala ka na ngang kwenta, masama pa ugali mo." They're so mad at me for some reason. I graduated 4th year, with honor. Because no matter how bad I look to them, I never forget to study hard. I wanted to make them proud atleast in academics. But I think it's not that much appreciated. I won't be in the honor list if I don't strive for it, isn't it? Yet I never heard them say that they're proud of me. Instead they always threaten me that when I got a bad grade they'll stop me from studying, mag asawa na lang daw ako. Hahaha. I am so pressured. I don't want ro stop. Literally saying, I enjoyed my teen year, but what I am proud of is that I never tried doing drugs, smoking, and bad things such as those. But they always insisted that I do, they even want to get me checked in the hospital. I feel so bad. I REALLY FEEL BAD FOR MYSELF! I am always blamed for something I hated to do. I entered college, a new start for me. My sister planned to help me get into a good and private school, she promised me but I know that it's impossible, but it's okay. Since my parents always had a problem about money, I decided to take an entrance exam test in a state university in able to prevent them from spending money. Kasi in the first place, ako nga daw ang dahilan kung bakit nandito sila sa pilipinas at naghihirap. I studied at Sta. Mesa Manila. By the way, I changed for good, my close relatives like my tita and grandma saw that change from me. Inside the house, I do choirs, I mop the floor, I change bed sheets, I wash dishes from morning till night, I do things man can do, I operate all high tech devices, I do the laundry, I do the shelves, I clean the house, I clean the ref, I fold the clothes, and everything else. I do what ever thing that I can to please them, but I guess that wasn't enough. I'm still the "walang kwentang anak." And aside from that, I studied in a University where there is too much pressure going on. It's not just a school, it's a home for students who can handle a lot of pain in the brain. But my parents thinks that I am in a gimik, that I don't go to school, that I don't study. Everytime I came home from school, my mom would say, "San ka nanaman galing? Lumandi ka nanaman jan sa labas. Maghugas ka na jan, para naman may pakinabang ka." There's just too much going on. I never came home peaceful. I am stressed inside cause I feel like there's no one inside our home that I can talk to after a tiring day. The place where I expected that I can be open and appreciated. I experienced going in school without eating breakfast because there is nothing prepared in the dining. I go to school with a 150 in hand. Including my fare back and forth and the rest for my food. Until every week, that 150 is deducted to 130, 120. How can I survive with that? They don't gave me extra. I always have to ask for it. Before going to school, I asked for my grandma or Tita, or Ate if I can borrow any amount of money to lend me, pandagdag lang sa baon ko. In school, I was always alone. My classmates often see me spacing out. I eat alone, I sit alone, I wait alone, I am always with myself. But my parents think that I have a lot of friends. Akala nila may "barkada" ako, kasi mukha nga namang may barkada ako sa schhol. Yes, I do have few friends. My classmates can prove that. They never really tried to know who I am. They never talked to me without judging a little thing about my shortcomings. Instead they judge me for what I showed them. I admit I never go home straight from school, instead I make myself occupied and happy because I wanted to spend my day without a problem, I play in SM alone, dance, eat when I have spare money, I do what makes me happy, because I know that at the end of the day, I'll come back home with the same problem, the place where I feel so toxic. I am suppressed. I never feel appreciated at home. Just because I show them a side where I'm strong doesn't mean they need to use my potential that much. Aside from that, I have diseases, my spinal column suffers from a dextroscoliosis, I told my parents about it, but they just keep telling me that, "Ipapa check-up ka na lang pag may pera na." Don't shrugged me off, it's not a little defect. Years go by but still nothing happened. But when it's them that's sick, money was all over the place, they can even find ways to borrow money. They were supposed to be the people who'll help me grow, but they don't. They'll supposed to be the people who can understand me. I don't exactly know what to feel anymore. Feeling ko umaagos na lang yung buhay ko sa ganon lang. I do sometimes think that I have mental issues, or emotional problem because of keeping this all inside. I never ever had a chance to speak without being scolded, without hearing unpleasant words. I never ever had a chance to speak where I'm right. They always made me feel I'm wrong. I'm wrong in everything I do. People, I love my parents. We have different ways to show our love. I showed them that but they can't see it because they're blinded by the things I did before that caused them to be where they are now. Before I left, I send a message to my sister about taking care of them including my little sister. I told her not to leave their side no matter what happens because she's the responsible one in their eyes. I told my sister to bear whatever my parents are doing, because out of all people, my sister is the one who can justify what I am saying right now, she's the only one I can lean on when I am done of myself that time. She's the only one who believes in me and of what I am capable of. Sabi nga niya, "Ikaw pa yung mas panganay satin gumalaw." ( I miss you so much Ate. ) Whenever I am near to breaking down, I always seek for my sister's company to tell her how miserable I feel. I told my Ate that maybe, I wasn't the daughter our parents could be proud of.Thats when I left bringing my uncomplete self but bolder, searching for people who can complete me atleast because that's what I never felt. Hinahanap ko yung sarili ko, kung san ba ko talaga dapat lumugar. I wouldn't be this tough if only I did feel that love from my parents. I don't have the family you think I have. Yes people, I may look good, but you don't know how many things are going on in me. At some point in my life, I'm suicidal, I wrote my stuff in Tumblr. I even do wrote a suicidal letter. Hahaha. But my faith that was taught to me prevented that to happen. To teens like me, you're lucky if you have parents who supports you fully and cheers you up. You don't know guys how lucky you are. I'm not trying to ask for sympathy, I just wanted you to know a part of my side. Parents, always remember that caring is different from satisfying your ego of being in parenthood. You we're all designed to love your child unconditionally, understand them atleast, and listen to them, an ear that listens is much better than speaking your preach everytime. Reach out for your child, before it's too late. You may not admit that you're doing the same thing but you'll never know until you ask. Ask them what they feel about you, ask them if there is something you need to improve or change. It's not always your child that needs to fit in. In all forms of relationship, balance is the key. You're not just designed to feed us to grow physically, you need to feed us to grow our individuality, to nurture it. Dictation leads to incontentment, so let them decide for themselves, when they seem to choose the wrong path thats when you need to preach. "Papunta palang kayo, pabalik na kami." Yes that's true but we are in a way different path, once we're born our stories are already written in our hands, you all need to accept that. We are who you showed us to be. Parents will be parents. I didn't ask for you all to believe what I said, but I'm leaving this here. It's your choice to believe or not, whatever you have to say, you're all free to say it. But always think before you speak. I don't intend to trigger you all but this is what it is. I don't want me nor my parents to be bashed, I dont want our personal life to be at stake just like this but I don't have any choice but to speak myself up. This is the only form I can, and the only way I see. I've tried confront and personal talks but it leads to misunderstanding so I leave it all here never to be done again. This is just a part of the story, I repeat. It doesn't end here.

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