#and there’s a lot of conflict with morality and humanity that DOES get fumbled a bit as it goes on

[hella1975]

bestie you have no idea how long my watch list is. why should I put aot on the list too

i thought we had something special 😔

[imaginaryelle]

On Aziraphale and “I’m soft”

I was talking with @irisbleufic about differences between show! and book!Aziraphale, and especially about the line “I’m soft” in the show, because it really threw me for a loop, but the reblog chain contracted some incredibly odd formatting, so this is a hopefully more-comprehensible version:

@imaginaryelle:  random but re: Aziraphale's show characterization vs book: I enjoy both, but they are so, so different in weird ways and when I rewatch the show I'm just left with dissonance & wondering WHY that change happened. The "I'm soft" line struck me the hardest, because I have literally never thought of Aziraphale as soft. Not emotionally. The closest to the book we got was maybe the french executioner? But then he just ignores the implication. The show version feels almost unfinished, as a character.

@irisbleufic: I mean, Aziraphale is physically soft, no question, but in any other sense?  Whoa, nope.  Not unless you count how soft he is for Crowley once he gets put through the wringer of a failed apocalypse and unlearns some of those rude, holier-than-thou tidbits he says to Crowley from time to time.  I mean, he’s soft for Crowley before their ordeal, but the ordeal is what adjusts (and hopefully eradicates) his prejudice. I’ve always found the whole “I can’t expect you to know what love feels like” thing remarkably callous, and the fact that Crowley gets cut off before he can say what his perception of a great sense of love is like just…ugh, I’ve always loved that moment so, so much, because it’s quite a perfect encapsulation of this entire disconnect between book characterization / miniseries characterization that we’re talking about:

“Odd,” muttered the angel, “I keep getting these flashes of, of…” He raised his hands to his temples.“What?  What?” said Crowley. Aziraphale stared at him.“Love,” he said.  “Someone really loves this place.” “Pardon?” “There seems to be this great sense of love.  I can’t put it any better than that.  Especially not to you.” “Do you mean like—” Crowley began. There was a whirr, a scream, and a clunk.  The car stopped.  [Enter Anathema, etc.]

@imaginaryelle: Yes, yes, I love that moment too! Okay, it took a bit longer than I hoped but I finally got my thoughts in order on this, and it ended up way longer and more like an essay than I originally thought it would, but I really enjoyed playing with it so I hope you enjoy it too.

Yes, absolutely Aziraphale is physically soft. He’s even described exactly that way by Shadwell (“the soft one in the camelhair coat”), and it seems to be pretty clearly about his appearance and presentation. Shadwell thinks Aziraphale is gay, fastidious (tries not to touch anything in the WFA headquarters) and an easier mark than Crowley, though he still finds the idea of threatening him “terribly risky.” We also have Aziraphale’s plump hands in the gun conversation at Tadfield Manor and the Compline reference too. But those and the intelligent/English/gay footnote are actually the only description of him I can find in the text. The only reference to height is that snake!Crowley has to look up at him, but that doesn’t tell us much. Which was surprising to find, because I had thought there was a little more than that, but yes. Physically Aziraphale is soft and I love that about him.

On a non-physical level, yes, exactly, in the book Aziraphale is extremely callous. Quite often. It actually surprised me, going back through my notes, how rarely he’s portrayed as anything else, but I think it does overall build a picture of him that, to me, has always been pretty immovable. I’ve never really been able to set aside that Aziraphale is, as Crowley says, a bastard. And he’s fairly thoughtless about it a lot of the time. He’s offhandedly pretty harsh on Crowley on a number of occasions, most of which got really toned down in the show. There’s the conversation about love, yes, which got especially confused in the show (the presentation made it seem like Aziraphale was talking about the Manor rather than all of Tadfield and they didn’t follow up on it well, and then it’s further muddled by the stain-miracle interaction). I would love to read pretty much anything on the subject of what Crowley was going to say there and how things are different for demons, because mmmmm, world building, and of course I love Crowley too.

But back to Aziraphale: there’re other callous remarks to Crowley too. In their very first interaction we have this:

“Yes, but you’re a demon. I’m not sure if it’s actually possible for you to do good,” said Aziraphale. “It’s down to your basic, you know, nature. Nothing personal, you understand.”

And then, when Crowley keeps on with his “but what is it about, really” line of conversation:

“Best not to speculate, really,” said Aziraphale. “You can’t second-guess ineffability, I always say. There’s Right, and there’s Wrong. If you do Wrong when you’re told to do Right, you deserve to be punished. Er.”

Like, here, let me just rub your face in the Fall for a second. You can’t help your basic nature but also you deserve punishment. Ouch. (And this is not in the show. In the show he references Crowley’s being a demon as related to “[making trouble] is what you do” and has what looks like a pretty disturbing experience watching his gift of kindness result in the immediate death of a lion by flaming sword.)

It’s implied book!Aziraphale is embarrassed about having said that, but he doesn’t actually change his tune. He brings up the “you’re a demon” thing twice more, both in situations where it’s clear he thinks he has the moral high ground, because of course he does, he’s an angel. (book!Aziraphale is less openly doubtful of Heaven’s rightness until closer to the end, I think.) In contrast, throughout the show it’s often Crowley who reminds Aziraphale that he’s a demon, and thus not nice, not forgivable and not to be thanked while Aziraphale maintains that Crowley is a good person. For another example, book!Aziraphale, in the wake of failing to find records of Adam at the manor, has zero reaction to Crowley’s fear, and Crowley is pretty obviously freaking out:

“What are we going to do now?”

“Try and get some sleep.”

“You don’t need sleep. I don’t need sleep. Evil never sleeps, and Virtue is ever-vigilant.”

“Evil in general, maybe. This specific part of it has got into the habit of getting its head down occasionally.” [Crowley] stared into the headlights. The time would come soon enough when sleep would be right out of the question. When those Below found out that he, personally, had lost the Antichrist, they’d probably dig out all those reports he’d done on the Spanish Inquisition and try them out on him, one at a time and then all together.

He rummaged in the glove compartment, fumbled a tape at random, and slotted it into the player. A little music would …

… Bee-elzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me …

“For me,” murmured Crowley. His expression went blank for a moment. Then he gave a strangled scream and wrenched at the on-off knob.

“Of course, we might be able to get a human to find him,” said Aziraphale thoughtfully.

“What?” said Crowley, distractedly.

And shortly after this, of course, Aziraphale finds the Book and just leaves when Crowley’s trying to confirm they’re still on the same side. In the show, this interaction doesn’t even happen. Crowley’s annoyed that they can’t find anything, but he’s not scared, and Aziraphale’s idea about using human operatives and his discovery of the book are split across several scenes and a fair chunk of time passing. Tv!Crowley watches him go into his shop into a sort of confused way, where book!Crowley is “feeling very alone” after not getting a real answer to two questions in a row.  

In the show, lines like the Eden dialogue and “Crowley, do something, I’m the good one,” and “I don’t even like you” etc, are heavily offset by a wider range of scenes showing how obviously in love Aziraphale is, with both Crowley and with Earth. His love of food and clothes, his obvious joy in dancing, the adoration in his expression over and over when he looks at Crowley, and the pain in his face when they fight. And when he says “I’m soft,” after his jogging conversation with Gabriel, I didn’t get the impression he was talking about physically, even thought that’s what Gabriel was talking about. To me, that line sounded a lot more like “I don’t like conflict and unpleasantness, I’m too nice, I care too much, I’m a soft touch.” And for tv!Aziraphale this seems largely true. We see a lot of his softness, on an emotional and philosophical level, and a lot of investment in both Earth and Crowley. But the book only gives us little clues towards that. Mostly in little Earth details Crowley brings up while trying to convince him to influence the Antichrist, or notes about his learning the gavotte/helping with book translations/ those lines of, He ought to tell Crowley. No, he didn’t. He wanted to tell Crowley. He ought to tell Heaven, directly after which he admits to himself they have more in common with each other than respective sides.

The show also completely cuts out some of his more oblivious caustic-ness towards other people. Tv!Aziraphale watches that French executioner go to death in his place without any apparent care, and he stands by as terrible things happen (the flood, the crucifixion, even Armageddon in the start), but he worries about it more. He’s not smug about it, he’s concerned that maybe—maybe this isn’t right, even though it’s Heaven doing it. In both versions he seems to tell himself that any time something really bad is happening, it’s some one else’s fault and he can’t really do anything. But for all that he admonishes Crowley about not wanting to help Anathema and hypnotizing Mary Hodges, book!Aziraphale is quite smug (“We’ll win, you know”/ evil always contains the seeds of its own destruction/[..] and everyone knew Heaven would win in the end –literally there are two times “smug” is used in the book and they’re both about Aziraphale) and he’s pretty blithe about the use of guns, terrorists freedom fighters, the idea of killing Adam (at least until Adam is in front of him), and just straight up saying that Heaven doesn’t really care about humans at all (most obviously when he’s speaking through the television evangelist while body-hopping). For me, the “softest” we ever see him is at the air base:

“There are humans here,” he said.

“Yes,” said Crowley. “And me.”

“I mean we shouldn’t let this happen to them.”

“Well, what-” Crowley began, and stopped.

“I mean, when you think about it, we’ve got them into enough trouble as it is. You and me. Over the years. What with one thing and another.”

And I agree that he really needs to go through this whole trial with Armageddon to realize that he might be a bit wrong, about himself and especially about Crowley, and also about Heaven, and that he can afford to be a bit more compassionate and considerate and ask a few more questions all around. It feels like he’s learning things about himself that Crowley figured out a long time ago (Crowley gets a lot more description and character insight than Aziraphale does), and I love that. But I also feel like tv!Aziraphale is approaching from the opposite direction. That what he learns from the whole ordeal is to be firmer. To take a stand and act with more confidence and conviction. Which feels really weird to me. I like them both, but I watch tv!Aziraphale awkwardly pick up the sword and tell Crowley to do something and it feels like a completely different story, because book!Aziraphale is the one who initiates doing something, and he’s dreamy when he picks up the sword. He muses about “the good old days” and sets it aflame on purpose, and reaches for Crowley’s hand. And Crowley feels “free at last.” Finally free of fear, not terrified and desperate, and he takes Aziraphale’s hand and they turn to face Satan together.

It’s a good moment that illustrates what they’ve accomplished internally, and I’m actually really disappointed it was changed for the show, and the emotional payoff shifted to their trials.

I suppose in the end all of this is to say: I miss Aziraphale, when I watch the series, and I miss that story. The one that ends in crystal clear moments of taking responsibility for who you are and the role you’ve played and knowing yourself better, and then doing something with that knowledge. The series is fun, it’s a love story, and those versions of Crowley and Aziraphale are enjoyable to watch, but they feel very much wrapped up in each other, reflecting each other. I’ll probably play in that universe a bit. But it doesn’t hit the same chords, and it doesn’t speak to me the same way the book does, and I think the softening of Aziraphale’s character plays a huge role in that.

[hollowcrovvn]

The Ostensive Fumblings of Being Human (part 3)

Pairing: Connor x female!reader Rating: T (please note rating change) Summary: Set two months after the ending of Detroit: Become Human, androids are living in government created “pop-up” communities while efforts are being made to integrate them into society. You are a grad-student volunteer with the Detroit Crisis Response Unit (DCRU), working to help with relief efforts. And now, finally it’s time for that coffee.

Notes: Disclaimer: I am obsessed with Machiavelli so it was only a matter of time before I threw him in here. And by obsessed I mean I loathe most of his points of view and like some of them. It's a love-hate thing. One of my first “date questions” is always on Machiavelli and I feel like it is very relevant given the upheaval and changes in the “government” in the end of the game as a result of the revolution.Though his bit on Moses is making me have all the Markus-needs-to-eventually-appear inklings. (part 1) (part 2) (part 3) (part 4) (part 5) (part 6) (part 7) (ao3)

It had started as just a regular conversation on interests, tucked in the back of the coffee shop where there were nice sleek couches to lounge in, but had divulged into an intense debate on one of the most important topics of the past-- Kindles.

“Okay. The world treated eReaders like the devil in the early 2010s. Now? Can barely find a printed book anywhere.”

“Which has cut down on mass deforestation since paper is no longer in high demand.” Connor noted, playing devil’s advocate so perfectly it was enough to make a conflict addicted girl swoon.

“Exactly! So why all the fuss back when? Cause of some preoccupation with nostalgia ? Even now you got guys like Hank who bemoan the loss of paperbacks, as if we’re all gonna forget how to read in the meanwhile.”

Connor smiled and reached out, plucking the sleeve of your jacket aka the remake of the 2003 Canada Goose brand. He sat back, looking pleased with himself as you grumbled into your second latte. Granted, it hardly looked like coffee at all but more like chocolate milk with the amount of creamer you’d had them use. You’d refused to order your usual, to Connor’s chagrin. He had not yet it seemed formed an opinion to what your actual favorite was.

“It’s different! They responsibly source the materials for those coats now.” you insisted, but Connor only smiled and smiled, refusing to concede to your point. As if he had any room to talk. This man had at least four different styles, alternating between professional, casual professional, street  and hipster circa 2010. He mixed them sometimes to interesting effects. You were pretty sure he spent the majority of his paycheck on clothes.Then again, after spending most of his life being forced to wear the same damn android branded attire, you could hardly blame his enthusiasm.

“One could argue the shift to electronics however, is contributing to the climate change phenomenon.” Connor added, picking up the paperback book in question that had started this conversation. It was one of Hank’s, which was shocking. The Prince by Machiavelli. You half wondered if it was meant to be a joke on Connor’s expense or if Hank had actually recommended something halfway decent, if not a bit pessimistic, for the Android to learn about.

You huffed, “So we’re killing the planet no matter what. Great. Cheery. I need another coffee.”

Connor’s LED whirled, blinking before settling a solid blue. “Your pulse is elevated to 97 beats per minute and your blood pressure has raised by 8 and 6 points in systolic and diastolic blood pressure, respectively. I would advise switching to water.”

“How do you know that's from the caffeine and not your innate magnetism .” you said, trying to lower your voice to a “sultry” level, but only managing to laugh.

“That would be highly improbable. I emit no traceable magnetic fields.”

Then the mother fucker winked .

You had begun to realize the parts of his personality you thought were intentional deadpan humor, were in fact, just deadpan facts. That one though? Definitely intentional . He picked up the book, thumbing open the pages that were dogeared and worn.

“Published in 1532, a political treatise by Italian diplomat and political-theorist, Niccolo Machiavelli. Considered one of the first books of modern philosophy, it’s topics range from human nature, military prowess, governments and history.”

He flipped to a specific page that you could tell had been once been highlighted and circled several times, now faded with time. Once upon a time, maybe Hank had noted it.

“Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel.” he read aloud, perfect and clear. You shut your eyes and listened.

“Every one sees what you appear to be, few--” he stopped abruptly, drawing your attention upward. He swallowed, his throat bobbing, “Few... really know what you are.”

His LED flickered yellow for a few seconds and then faded back to blue. You didn't really have the heart to tell him the quote was being taken wildly out of context, because it fit too well. It spoke to him. Let it mean what he wanted it to mean.

“This should be a very interesting read. Have you read it?” he asked, turning to the beginning of the book.

“Oh yeah, me and about 100 other people in PHI 1100. “Contemporary Moral Issues”. After I limped my way through the introductory course, I managed to do somewhat decent there.”

“Do you enjoy philosophy?”

“I tolerate it. Barely. With clenched teeth. I think it’s all well and good to “feed your mind” as Dolce would say, as long as your stomach is full. That’s not a common thing for the poor though so philosophy has always seemed to me as… well, a rich-man’s way to kill time.”

You swished the remaining dregs of your latte around in the bottom of your cup.

“I think it’s real easy to sit on high telling people they need to think of this, or that when you don’t have to worry about where your next meal is coming from.”

Connor gave a wry smile, “Then it is a good thing I don’t eat. I will need to read a few more selections before I form a more in depth opinion.”

“Knock yourself out, hipster. I’ll send you all my ebooks I had to get for the classes if you want.”

He perked up, the LED on his temple spiraling.

“My designation code should appear now on your phone for upload.” he said with excitement. His eyes held onto yours patiently, the intensity of it making you flounder, quickly grabbing your phone. Sure enough there was a message that a “RK800” unit was attempting to sync to your device.

[ allow synchronization? y/n? ]

You clicked yes and watched as the phone took on a mind of its own, files opening and flipping at rapid speed until it settled upon your digital library. You set the phone down carefully, eyes flicking between Connor and the device. He had that same far away look Josh got when accessing the web. It took only a few seconds before your phone flashed the words the same time Connor spoke them,

“Upload completed. Thank you, reading these should be very…” he paused, “Fun.”

“And I thought I needed to get out more.” you said, enjoying the bright look of wonder on Connor’s face as his eyes flickered back and forth, clearly already browsing the new selection.

“It doesn’t bother you, does it?” he said, tilting his head, “I should have clarified if you meant to send them now.”

“It’s definitely gonna take some getting use to if you make a habit of connecting to my phone, but nah, it doesn’t bother me.” you said, but Connor still looked skeptical so you continued,  “I’m a little jealous to be honest, woulda made reading those bricks easier if I knew you three years ago.”

“It is very efficient. However, no more so than any other academic assistant android you could have purchased then.”

You felt a twist in your chest at the way he said “purchased” so easily when you could tell by the faint grimace on his face that the idea was as disturbing now to him as a “deviant” as it was to you.

“I meant like a classmate,” you quickly added, “Like the way we are now.”

“You study urban planning, not philosophy. Perhaps I should browse those texts as well so we can have more “classmate” simulate conversations.” he said, tilting his head to the other side as if considering the idea further.

“We can always talk about you.” you said, “What do you like?”

His head tilted slightly further, he almost looked like a puppy when he did that, brown eyes soft and always, always curious.

“I enjoy solving cases with Hank-- Lieutenant Anderson. I enjoy calibrating my reflex drive with coin tricks. I like talking with--”

You held up a hand, “Whoa whoa, back up! Coin tricks?!”

Your sudden enthusiasm seemed to take him off guard, but within a moment he produced a quarter from his pocket. He let it slowly walk across his knuckles one way and then faster backwards. You watched, rapt in attention and smiling bright.

“What else?!” you asked and Connor gave a lopsided smile, standing up.

“I need a bit more room for this one. Okay. So-- first you flip.” he said and did so, flipping the coin up once in the air, “And then--”

He flicked it so fast from one hand directly into the other that you almost missed it. Your entire face broke open, “Ooooohh my god! Do that again!”

He was more than happy to oblige, this time flicking the coin back rapidly and then ending by catching it between two fingers.

“Okay you have got to teach that one to me.”

“I’m not sure if you’d be able to get it without a lot of practice, but-- here.” he took your hand in his, carefully directing you to hold your fingers in a scissor shape the way he had. His eyes were intensely focused as he moved you exactly where he needed, carefully stepping behind you and placing his hands on your hips.

“Stand a bit more grounded.”

He nudged your shoe with his and you complied, hoping he wasn’t registering the heat rising up in your face. Was he holding on just a bit longer than was really even needed? A bit tighter? You could just barely feel the brush of his shirt at your back, leaning towards it.

“Don’t move.” he said, a soft command. You stood back up straight.

He came around to stand at your side, not even noticing the small gathering of people who were now watching the pair of you.

“Alright. Ready?”

You nodded.

“Just... hold… still.”

He paused, LED whirling for a moment before he flicked the coin and it found itself, trapped perfectly between your index and middle finger. You all but squealed, laughing with unbridled delight.

“That was so freakin’ cool! Can we do it again?”

But before Connor could take the coin from you, a man pushed over to the sitting area and scowled.

“Hey. No fuckin’ tin-can’s. Did you not see the sign lady?”

You were caught off guard, but Connor immediately straightened.

“Sign? There aren’t anymore signs.” you said, remembering that there was no tell tale red sign with a blue triangle issuing that androids were not allowed when you entered.

“There should be. There was. Now we gotta deal with these plastic freaks acting like they own the damn city.”

He looked Connor up and down with measured disgust, eyes lingering on the LED that was quickly flashing yellow.

“You should keep your pet at home.” the man continued, “You don’t see people bringing their dogs where others eat.”

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to please return to your table.” Connor’s voice was more mechanical than you had heard it before, measured and even, despite the yellow light flickering.

“I detect levels of ethanol on your breath. A bit early for a nightcap, isn’t it?” Connor continued and the man’s expression switched quickly to shocked and then pissed.

“Keep your fuckin’ eyes off me, freak.” he said, shoving Connor, who did not even move a fraction. “Public intoxication is a misdemeanor under Section 750.168 of the Michigan penal code. I advise you take your coffee home, sir, and sober up .” Connor said, standing up way too far into this guy’s space to be mistaken for anything but an invitation that said, Hit me, do it. I dare you.

You moved forward, quickly slipping your arm between the two men, curling it around Connor’s abdomen. You slid your entire body between them, the asshole guy stepping back.

“Hey, he’s a cop . See?” you pushed aside Connor’s jacket, displaying the DPD badge on his hip.

“You wanna add assaulting an officer to that rap sheet he’s already typing up from his head?”

The guy noted the badge and despite his initial aggression, he took a step back.

“Whatever, bitch.”

You sighed, relieved he was backing off, until Connor lurched forward from behind you. You spun around, pushing your palms flat against his chest. He didn’t resist you, but he didn’t take his eyes off the guy either.

“Apologize to her.” he said, each word punctuated with rigid coldness, LED flashing red.

“Fuck you and your plastic-fuckin’ girlfriend.”

“Hey!” a voice drew all three of your attention up to a barista wearing a different uniform than the others, designating her a manager, “How about you all take a breather somewhere else before I call the real cops?”

“Fine.” you said, pushing back at Connor who had stepped forward again trying to outmaneuver you.

“It’s a nice sunny day and I’m not a fan of the smell of shit and espresso.” you said, giving the guy a glare of your own. You took Connor’s hand, ignoring any comments from anyone else as you headed out the door. Connor didn’t fight you, but walked briskly away from the coffee shop to the point it was now like he was leading you.

His grip was tight, unrelenting. His LED was still a vivid circle of red. Once you were far enough away, you dug your heels in and released his hand. He stopped, but still held on. He snapped his eyes to yours, looking confused and just so-- lost. Like he wasn’t even sure where he was or where he was going.

You didn’t even know where to start.

“… Connor, I am so sorry.”

What else could you say? You were the stupid one who invited him there. His brows furrowed tightly, anger still twitching in his lips as he shook his head.

“Don’t.” he said, voice strained, “Don’t apologize for them .”

His jaw was tight, working and unclenching. He was rubbing your hand in his own, a tick similar to his coin. People walked around you as you both were standing in the middle of the sidewalk, giving Connor nervous glances as they passed. He noticed finally and stepped to the side, filing into an empty alley facing the street.

“I need a minute.” he said, his pulmonary functions attempting to slow. You stepped closer, reaching up to gently touch his back. You stroked up once.

“Of course, just… take all the time you need.”

He was tense, every carbon fiber cord in his body ready to respond, to act. His LED began flickering, slowly turning yellow and holding.

“It’s becoming more common.” he said, disappointment evident in his voice.

“I’d say it was always common, people feeling safe to express their stupidity has just gotten worse.”

“Not that.” he said, sighing, “My… temper. Hank says I have a temper .”

A deviant android with a quick fuse, that wasn’t entirely unheard of, but yet Connor seemed disturbed more so by his own behavior than the other guys.

“I detected a significant jump in your pulse and breathing rate. You were upset. I upset you.” Connor said, going to release your hand. You snapped it back up before he could, squeezing tight.

“Connor. Look at me.”

He did.

“I wasn’t upset because of you, I was upset for you.” you said, searching his eyes, making sure you confirmed his understanding before you continued, “That guy was being a grade A dickhead and I… I made you show me those tricks and it just drew all that attention to you. It’s dumb and it’s unfair , but I should have known better.”

“I wanted to show you.” Connor said, insistent, “I knew it would make you smile. I… like that. When you were asking what I like. I like receiving positive feedback from you. It’s very informative.”

That got a laugh from you, quiet and resigned.

“Like that. I don’t know how I got you to do that, but I’m attempting to work it out. So far the data has been inconsistent.”

“Really?” you said, “How so?”

“You laugh even when I am actually not trying to be humorous.” Connor said, as if you were a bit silly for not knowing.

“You’re a funny guy.”

“Hank would say otherwise.”

Connor’s LED had returned to blue, holding steady.

“Your temperature is dropping. You should be getting home so you can warm up.”

“No.” you said, grinning. This time when he furrowed his brow it was not as sharp.

“Your current core temperature is not a debatable subject, ---. You are at 97.9 degrees.”

You hummed, “So question. When you do that, are you scanning my entire body or just the surface temperature?”

Connor opened his mouth, thought better, and then it closed it. You swore if he could blush he would be. You inclined your head expectantly.

“What else does the scan pick up?” you asked, both curious and enjoying the look of semi-panic rushing over Connor’s features. The blue LED flickered just for a moment.

“I know that you have not eaten in the last four hours and will begin to feel hunger pains in approximately the next twenty to thirty minutes.” he stated matter-of-factly, “You have a healed fracture on your left ankle, most likely from rolling it sometime within the last two years. Also, your pupils dilate when you look at me, indicating that you find me aesthetically pleasing.”

“Ho-kay.” you said, interrupting him and snatching your hand back, “You had me at the beginning there, I’ll admit.”

“Did I successfully embarrass you, ---?” Connor said, putting his hands into his pockets and following after you with a renewed smugness.

“Um. That’s such cheating. I can’t control my pupils!”

“Of course. I understand it is not conscious. Besides. I was designed to be pleasing .”

“Yeah? Then I’m gonna need you to tell me where to file a product complaint.”

Connor laughed and it sounded so human it infected your own smile.

“”Hello, yes Cyberlife?”, you continued, using your hand to mimic a phone, “”Do you take constructive criticism? Because your RK800 model is becoming a royal pain in my ass.””

“I’ve never had a bad review in my life!” he asserted, placing a hand over his chest in mock offense.

“That’s because you’ve only been alive for seven months! God. You’re an infant. I am literally on a date with an infant.”

Your laughter subsided when you noted Connor was no longer part of the chorus, turning to look at him, you found his own eyes trailed on you with the barest of smiles.

“This has been… different. Good, but different.” he said, choosing the words carefully, “I’d like to do it again.”

“Yeah, yeah, you smug bastard. You probably already know I’m going to say “yes” by the micro expressions of my eyebrows or some crap.”

Your joke was cut short as Connor stepped forward, gingerly reaching up and letting his hand trace the side of your face, thumb rubbing in gentle circles for a moment over the spot right next to your brow. His eyes were hooded, intent.

“No. I don’t think I see anything.”

He was so close-- god damn him for being so close. You couldn’t read his face at all on whether he was being serious right now or was being a tease. The LED light on his temple gave nothing away in it’s blue aura.

“Wait...right there.”

You felt your breath catch.

“I detect the forming of premature wrinkles.”

“Oh, you asshole. ”

You swatted at him, but he was too fast, dodging out of range with a school boy grin.

“I’m freezing and I’m hungry and I think you need to go home and think about what you’ve done.” you said, crossing your arms against the frigid breeze.

“I told you all of those things a minute ago.” Connor said, returning to arms reach long enough to offer his hand in what you assumed was to be a handshake. You scoffed and submitted, letting him take your hand again lightly. He squeezed and let go.

“I’ll text you later.” he said, mirroring your own words. For a moment it almost felt so normal. Just a boy and a girl on a date. It hadn’t turned out to be what you expected, but that was something you were beginning to think you could live with.

“You better.”

When had it become so hard to concentrate? You rapt your stylus against your desk, oblivious to the crowd and the constant hum of conversation as people moved around the facility. You hadn’t heard back anything from Josh regarding the files you brought, in fact, you hadn’t seen an android inside the DCRU office in several days. You leaned back in your chair, hoping to catch a glimpse but instead found yourself looking right into the pencil skirt of London Fog-- aka your supervisor, Miranda.

“You interested in getting out of here?” she asked, curly brown hair tied back in a bun. You think she must been a librarian in a past life based on how she dressed. Nothing else would explain those cat eye glasses.

“Depends.” you said, voice wary. She laughed, because honestly you didn’t have too much choice in it.

“We’re doing a quick run through. We’ve gotten reports that there have been some break ins through the fence perimeter around the--” she stopped, trying to avoid the word “camp” like most people in charge. It was not a good connection to form.

“-- housing facilities. Just need to assess the damage and estimate cost. The androids asked specifically for the director to come, but she is busy elsewhere.” Miranda shrugged, “If I have an intern following me, I look more important!”

Ah, the director. Cinnamon dolce.

Knowing that there was not much more discussion to be had, you picked up your tablet and your coat.

“Where’s the damage?” you asked, voice weary.

“We’ve got a ride to the other side of the facility all lined up for us.” Miranda said, flicking through some documents and sending them to your tablet.

“It’ll be a good learning opportunity!”

Sure. Yay. Fence maintenance.

By the time you arrived it became very obvious that this was not some accidental damage or wear-and-tear, this was a full on someone-took-pliers-to-the-fence-and-cut-a-hole damage. You recognized Josh out of the crowd of humans and androids. He gave you a faint smile and then turned his attention to Miranda.

“Was it a break out?” she asked, earning a narrow look from Josh.

“We’re not prisoners here. Everyone knows they can come and go as they please.” Josh said, voice edged with warning.

“So break in?” Miranda said, confirming to herself. You flipped to the incident report she sent to your tablet and began to jot down notes.

“It would appear so. But nothing was taken. No one has seen anyone strange around the homes either.”

The “homes” for lack of a better word, were simple modular buildings, stacked in sets of three with outside stair railings. A few androids stood on said stairs, peering over the side down at them. The entire facility sat in an old parking lot formerly used by GM back in the late 2000s. It had been sitting vacant for years now and taken by the government for use in the re-homing process.

The modular homes were efficient, if not always “cozy”. The androids were able to file comfort requests, but you’d seen the stacks. It was hard to imagine it was easy to get much of anything, but it was safe . Safer than outside, where humans might attack an android on the street. Here there were soldiers and fences that were meant to keep the outside world out, not them in.

Markus would have not accepted anything less.

“I don’t like that. Have the military units informed to be looking for someone who doesn’t belong and pull any CCTV footage from this area.” Miranda said, stepping forward and examining the fence more closely.

“Tracks say three people!” a voice yelled from above. There was a young looking blond man, standing at the very top of the modular complex. He quickly made his way down, easily constructing a safe path to the ground.

Josh smiled with familiarity, taking the hand offered to him by the man warmly.

“When did you get back into the city?”

“A few days ago. Glad to be back though. D.C. is somehow even colder.”

Miranda turned her attention back towards the two men, greeting the newcomer with nothing more than a faint nod.

“Simon. You said three people?”

Simon nodded, pointing to a variety of spots that now showed traces of mud and slush disturbance.

“Three. They circled in, came this way…”

He moved ahead, heading behind the modular unit. There was a good fifteen feet between it’s back and the fence.

“Then this way. Stopped here, but then one set of tracks keeps going while the other two circle back.” Simon’s eyes narrowed, giving Josh a strange look.

“Something isn’t right. I smell--”

A flash. Blinding and loud. So loud that suddenly your ears were filled with unbearable ringing. You felt your feet lift from the ground, heat bursting across your skin. There were quick flicks of pain, as if a hail storm had pelted you. And then you found the ground again, hitting hard to the concrete as the ringing just kept on. Something heavy fell on your chest, knocking the wind from you.

Your vision blurred, arms shaking as you tried to find something, anything to hold onto to make the world stop spinning. Someone was ontop of you, arms curled around your frame. The smell of thirium and smoke was thick in your nostrils and when your vision came to, there was blue andJosh.

All cradled in a backdrop of red flames.

[theadmiringbog]

... using symbolic aggression toward women to bond and validate their heterosexuality. Dismissing that as “locker room banter” denies the ways that language can desensitize and abrade boys’ ability to see girls as people deserving of respect and dignity.

--

In order for gross, crude, sexual, or even slapstick humor to be funny to its audience, researchers have found, it has to succeed in two contradictory things: violating morals (that is, it has to be disgusting) while seeming harmless, detached from any true reality; certainly you can’t feel concern or identification with its subject. That a dead baby joke would be a whole lot less funny if you first described in detail how the baby suffered, the grief of the parents, the horror of the funeral. So, in order for boys to believe any of these antics were amusing, they had to systematically ignore the humanity of the girls involved—and that is not harmless at all.                

--

“Hilarious” makes sexism and misogyny feel transgressive, rebellious rather than supportive of an age-old status quo. It also puts boys’ hearts and heads into conflict, silencing conscience: they may know when something is wrong; they may even know that true manhood—or maybe just common decency—should compel them to speak up. At the same time, they fear that if they do, they’ll be marginalized or, worse, themselves become the target of other boys’ derision. Masculinity, then, becomes not only about what boys do say, but about what they don’t—or won’t, or can’t—even when they wish they could. It blocks them from considering women’s points of view, hardens them against compassion. Psychologist                

--

Being able to silently disapprove of others’ bigotry or homophobia was a luxury conferred by his own race and sexuality;                

--

Those involuntary sightings tended to happen younger, at age nine or ten.                

--

They all described themselves as “good guys.” And they were, most of the time. But the truth is, a really good guy can do a really bad thing.                

--

Men learn too often, subtly or overtly, to prioritize their pleasure over women’s feelings. That may or may not lead to assault, but it does raise ethical questions over how men treat sexual partners, particularly in encounters that skirt the edges of consent.                

--

Sometimes, listening to guys like Reza, I found myself privately dismissing their transgressions as no big deal. Because in some ways they weren’t: they were the classic teenage fumbling of someone trying to learn the rules. But what if that learning curve comes at girls’ expense?                

--

Despite their apparent mortification, boys do want their parents to talk to them about physical intimacy, for someone to go beyond the classic don’ts: don’t have sex, don’t get anyone pregnant, don’t get a disease, don’t be disrespectful. They are particularly eager to have their fathers talk to them about their own experience with sex, love, even regret.                

--

After nearly a decade of reporting on teenagers and sex, if I know anything for sure, it’s that parents just have to get over it. I know it’s awkward. I know it’s excruciating. I know it’s unclear how to begin. You may have never even been able to have such conversations with your own spouse or partner. I get that. But this is your chance to do better.                

--

Mothers and fathers (and any other adults in a guy’s life) need to challenge the unwritten rules of male socialization, the forging of masculinity through unexamined entitlement, emotional suppression, aggression, and hostility toward the feminine.                

--

Fathers, by the way, are chiefs of the gender police. Boys as young as four are keenly aware of Dad’s judgment, rejecting “girl” toys, even something as innocuous as miniature dishes, for fear he would think playing with them was “bad.” If they are willing to stretch beyond—way beyond—the way they themselves were fathered, then dads (or other adult male mentors) can make a tremendous difference in sons’ approach to masculinity, sex, and love.                

--

As for intimate relationships, dads can offer guidance on personal integrity; establishing and respecting sexual boundaries; mutuality; caring; pleasure. They may want to share their own evolution on some of these topics, including past mistakes and regrets.                

--

You Must, You Simply Must, Talk About Porn 

The ubiquity of internet porn in itself means parents no longer have the luxury of squeamishness; we can no longer afford to not talk honestly to our children (especially our boys) about sex. The potential risk to them and to their partners is just too great. Nor do I think it’s enough to dismiss porn as “not realistic” or “an adult fantasy”—that begs questions of what, exactly, is unrealistic about it and why its fantasies so frequently eroticize male aggression and female submission. Instead, as I said earlier, remind your son that curiosity about sex as well as masturbation are absolutely natural, but that porn’s perspective is limited and distorted, especially for someone without much (or any) real-life context.                

--

Although two-thirds of Dutch teens ages fifteen to seventeen with a steady boy- or girlfriend report that the person was welcome to spend the night in their bedrooms, the Dutch actively discourage promiscuity in their children, teaching that sex should emerge from a loving relationship.

[secretgamergirl]

A Random Roundup of Surprisingly Positive Trans Portrayals

Over the last half a year or so, I’ve run across a number of bits of media I’ve come across which blindsided me with trans characters that rang pretty true. Every time, I was tempted to sit down and write a proper review, but other things were going on, so I’m just going to sit down and bite the bullet with a collection of relatively quick takes.

So let’s start off with Swiss Army Man. It’s an indie film, but it caught on a bit with wider audiences thanks to, well, the titular character being the magical farting corpse of Daniel Radcliffe. Odds are you’ve at least heard of it, but at least no one I’ve talked to about it had any idea there was anything trans-related in there, so you might be thinking I’m reading into it. Quite the opposite. The main character is, with absolutely no ambiguity about it, a closeted trans woman, and the entire plot of the movie is directly about her coming to terms with that, learning to accept herself, and stop worrying about everyone judging her so she can transition already (which she’s heavily implied to do just after the credits roll. A lot of this is subtext, but plenty of it is just plain text. I mean, halfway through the movie she starts dressing as a particular woman she sees as a rolemodel and getting lost in very girly fantasies, and these are specifically presented as her only really happy memories in a later life-flashing-before-her-eyes sort of scene. I’d really recommend watching the whole thing yourself, since hey, it’s a funny uplifting heartfelt movie (if requiring a trigger warning on suicidal imagery) but here’s someone else’s spoiler filled, inconsistently gendering explanation of a good chunk of the trans imagery.

Somehow though, all this gets lost on a huge chunk of the audience. Including most professional reviewers, even ones for LGBTQIA-focused media outlets. I read one shortly after watching it which stubbornly insisted it was trying to convey that the main character was a gay man through a bizarre metaphor that didn’t work. I’m tempted to call that one willful ignorance, but it IS to be fair one of those movies that plays around with an unreliable narrator and an odd mix of grounded reality, obvious fantasy, and supernatural elements that are hard to fit in either of those boxes. As someone who takes in a lot of that sort of thing, my personal takeaway is that while the main character is just imagining the corpse talking as an imaginary friend to cope with her suicidal loneliness, it does seem to be, within the observable reality of the movie, a legitimately magical corpse full of hyper-compressed Gyo gas. And a metaphor about shame. The main character being trans though is completely unambiguous and clear through every possible prism.

I do find it interesting though that on the commentary track, the pair of writer-directors responsible for it fail to directly refer to the main character’s womanhood, mostly just talking about her loneliness, and how relatable it is. So, blatant as the nature of the movie is, this may be a case of closeted trans women creating a story about a closeted trans woman without even realizing it.

Next we have a Korean film I stumbled across on Netflix with the unfortunate title of Man on High Heels, which I have to assume is trying to riff on Man on Fire or something similar. It’s about a tough martial arts action figure sort of cop who ignores procedure and beats confessions out of crime lords, who’s even more respected in the underworld for being such a stone cold badass than by the police force who has a pretty easy job accordingly. Who is, again, a closeted trans woman. This one I went into expecting to cringe a bit at a weird exploitation action comedy, but it plays the premise completely straight. When the movie starts, she’s been walking that knife edge for a while of starting HRT, buying a new wardrobe, and practicing with makeup, while still very much in the closet, and the main thrust of the drama is her trying to scrape up enough cash for The Surgery while trying to preserve her tough macho action legacy, and generally fumbling, with fellow cops thinking she has a drug problem and mobster fans thinking she’s gone crooked. Lot of emotional gut-punches too with flashbacks, falling out, and not exactly a happy ending. It doesn’t have the same inner monologue as Swiss Army Man, but it still feels fairly authentic in terms of the emotional turmoil she’s going through. And of course it gets some basic facts about medical transition wrong. Still, not what I expected.

Turning to TV, somehow I ended up marathoning through the entirety of Sons of Anarchy on a whim. Now, I cannot actually recommend that anyone ever watch Sons of Anarchy. Frankly it’s a poorly written show which spends more time than not completely rudderless, constantly forces people to act completely out of character to spur on new plot arcs, and stumbles hard every time it tries to say anything about women, race, politics, or morality.

Some time in the 5th season, a random filler episode has the core cast hiring a trans prostitute to stage explicit photos with someone they’ve knocked out in order to blackmail him, resulting in a very forced exploitative scene. It certainly doesn’t help that the trans woman in question is named Venus, and played by Walter Goggins (not that I approve of cis men playing any of the characters I’m listing here, but Goggins is the most overtly masculine actor in the mix, and playing the only character on this list who is out as trans and well past first transitioning). That episode left a particularly bad taste in my mouth, and I’m curious if there was some backlash to it at the time, because in the next season, Venus returns, as a minor recurring character who gets fleshed out and made significantly more sympathetic. She gets a tragic and cliched backstory full of sexual abuse of course, but she’s at least in the running for the single most morally centered character in the series, gets a lot of sympathetic dialog, and sticking up for her in various ways becomes a way to signify someone is, for the time being at least, on the path of righteousness.

What really amazes me though is the last season. The entire final season of Sons of Anarchy is frankly a train wreck. Season 6 ends with the incredibly pointless and poorly motivated murders of its most sympathetic major characters (including the main audience surrogate) to stir up conflict, and as a result season 7 is just a ridiculous exercise in body stacking. Almost every character ends up either dead or at a complete loss of what to do with themselves, and there are really only two characters who can be said to really get a happy ending. Tig, one of the more consistent characters, who can largely be described as the Designated Weirdo in the core cast, ends up spending the last season dating Venus, and their last scene implies that him falling in love with her breaks him of his weird self-destructive performative freakiness, and they get to live happily ever after. Everything else about the final season, and really the show at large, I rolled my eyes at, but hey, pleasant surprise there!

Meanwhile, turning to Japanese children’s television from a few years back, there’s Kamen Rider W. Like every Kamen Rider series, it’s a self-contained superhero show with lots of quirkiness and rubber-suit action sequences. The main gimmick the W alludes to is that the hero of this particular show is really two people. When it’s time to throw on the suit and jump into action, one of the two protagonists passes out, the other getting a split consciousness (and then of course late in the series when they get their ultimate powerup, they full on merge into a single body instead). One of these characters is Shotaro, a dorky wannabe hard boiled detective. The other is something of a mysterious MacGuffin character named Phillip, who has quite a lot going on, but most significantly for this article’s purposes, this is Phillip:

Broadcasting standards in Japan are a bit further behind the times than they are in America, so you can’t ever full on come out and state that a character is gay or trans. The best you can manage is to just barely provide plausible deniability while implying the ever loving hell out of it. And so we have Phillip, who is about as blatantly not-a-man as you can really get away with, visually. Whether the idea is to subtley portray a trans woman, or to portray the only non-binary human character I can recall ever seeing in anything is a tough call, but the hair clips and some variation on this non-quite-a-dress are present on Phillip in every single episode other than the one where a contrived sting has Phillip throwing on a dress and a wig to really pull of a Lovely Magician’s Assistant look... and trying to find a screenshot of that by searching for “Kamen Rider Phillip Dress” just gave me a variation on the standard Phillip Outfit on a female manikin at a cosplay shop.

Anyway, Phillip is great. Aside from being Very Clearly Trans, Phillip Very Clearly Has Autism (sensitively and realistically portrayed), but neither of these is ever commented on by anyone in the show. Instead, everyone is constantly talking about how Phillip is so unambiguously the more powerful, intelligent, and competent of the two, and constantly suggesting Shotaro is dead weight. It’s fantastic. Oh and the two are also as unambiguously in a romantic relationship with each other as broadcasting standards will allow. There is blatant queer-baiting between male leads in every Kamen Rider show, but I mean, they have a love theme, their ultimate weapon/armor is rainbow themed, and the lyrics to the show’s opening are all about the ultimate union of body and soul between two partners.

Incidentally, Kamen Rider Wizard from 2 years later does make a more overt effort of trans representation with a minor character, but fairs far worse with it, and the following year’s Kamen Rider Gaim has... this character, but I’m trying to focus on surprisingly good representation, and neither of them exactly qualify.

Finally, the tragically obscure 7th Dragon III Code VFD for the 3DS, along with making literally the entire cast of NPCs and PCs explicitly bisexual features as a prominent NPC a game designer/time machine designer who shortly before the game begins switched over to being called Julietta and dressing like this:

I haven’t found the time to finish it, but misgendering localization aside, yeah this is totally in keeping with my general composite image of my fellow trans game devs, and she’s great so far.

[chaoscrystals]

Every note in my phone 20

Songs I have written recently: Where does pain come from? Fumbling in love Romance is dead The many paths and their overwhelming generosity Mercy escapes me like hot steam Well, I'm jealous too * Ukulele songs for 9/10 Easy living What a wonderful world What a little moonlight can do I believe in true love I believe in miracles Sea of love Three little birds Stormy weather Blue moon * Manic mantras of September 10 2017, a piece by nova luz Do it at the right time and in the right way. Your intestines will be grateful You love them more than you can say You think you love him but you think it might go away You still want to kiss and hug him You want to feel your body Sometimes you want to die And sometimes you think "i just can't get enough of this life it could never be too much" * More thoughts about Jonathan How long will my feelings last and where will they take me? I have to let go enough to enjoy myself. I feel a hole in my heart that I thought music would fill but it's not quite doing the trick, I want to be surrounded by people. I kind of wish I was going to his show instead of the one I'm going to be playing at tonight. Oh well. Maybe I can go say hi afterwards I went to try and find him and he wasn't there. I kept having flashbacks to when  was royalty giving away everything I owned. I imagine her to be one of my past lives. It also really got me thinking about masculine and feminine dynamics in a relationship. Like am I behaving in a masculine way if I'm the pursuer? I feel really stupid and like I've already done a lot of stupid things like imagining that he had a girlfriend! I unfriended him on facebook and everything. Self-hatred. I wonder what that's all about. There wasn't anything between them at all? I actually do have really intense jealousy issues and i couldn't recognize that in myself my whole life. But now I have. I am a very jealous person sometimes. And I'm insecure cause my mom drilled it into my head that all men cheat and are bad. Hah Fuck I want to scream. Its not worth it to hold onto but damn There are certain energies in my house that she doesn't notice and I shouldn't let it get to me but I do. She will leave her trash anywhere on the floor or just anywhere but can't admit to it * Here is a strange thought What if the real reason I play music is because I need the attention? Or because I think it will get me a man? What if that's the real reason? Fuck this mosquito is fast I keep having all these thoughts. Thinking about sex a lot. * Why? I have to be screaming. I'm in agony. Please don't leave me. Eevery day crops up a new bunch of thoughts I don't feel ready to deal with. Why do I have so much resistance to my own thoughts? Haha. I can't help but laugh. My desperate tries at being a musician. It shouldn't be a hierarchy of who's a better musician but it is. Okay I have to be honest with myself: I've been really disgusted with the big name bands and big name venues and whatever big name artists I encounter for the past few years...and I feel a little morally superior for avoiding those places and people. But the truth is, I want to be a part of that world, and I still kind of want to be a big name myself. Or at least work with big names. I have to admit this is the truth. I want clout and attention. I just do. * Short term goals Follow up w yo re mi Learn Hawaiian songs (at least 3) Listen intently to music Think intently about music Release resistant thoughts about music Set up online store/ focus on making and vending jewelry * I think that nobody realizes!!!!!!!! * What's an image what's a red banded branded Christmas tree out of season what's a starter how's it gonna start her not the seasons but when the seasons had reasons, oh I remember those days well. Aren't I old? And you're only 22 you're so far removed from the world I once knew. Rolling meadows and green everywhere. You youth only know rolling blunts * Hey are you noticing me? How do i make you feel? Is there anything you wanna tell me? Do you care about me? Do you hate me? Do you have a crush on Marisa from mannequin pussy? Are you two friends on Facebook? I'm not going to look right now. Will you tell me the truth about these kinds of things? Can you help me? How? Well okay, I'm gonna start letting you help me. But first we need to hang out more. We never hang out. I hate not hanging out with you but thinking about you all the time. What do you think of me? Do you have a crush on anyone else? Do you think I'm better? Is anything ever gonna happen between us or am I gonna end up on the floor crying and alone? Does it scare you that I feel this intensely? Are you scared of what other people will think? cause I am. What's gonna happen Is marisas music better than mine? Do you still love me? I'm living in a fantasy... Can you help me? I'm not okay and I'm supposed to smile. I'm supposed to listen. I like listening and smiling isn't so bad. I love you. Do you love me? I love you. Do you love me? Do you think I'm amazing? I think you're amazing. And if you thought I was amazing then I would think I was amazing. I have insane jealousy and insecurity! Do you love me? Do you think about me? *Am I in love with an illusion? Are the ghosts and illusions in love with me? Does it work both ways? Am I going crazy? Am I bending the fabric of space and time? Hmmm a mighty fine time love by my slide sleeping safe sound slander pander panhandle. I have no excuses I think I love you and I think I want to be with you very badly. I think about you all the time That's why I wrote you so many letters that I've never sent and spent so much time drawing pictures. I just feel like im seeing everything But its probably at least mostly in my head. Disclaimer: I love to self-isolate so...don't take it personal.. * I'm so smitten. I think I love him. I spend most days fantasizing about him. This is crazy. What if I'm wrong? I can't live my life avoiding heartbreak. What the hell. I don't care. Id rather him knowing how I felt, reject me, than hide how I feel but still try to get him to be mine and end up rejected cause I have too much internal conflict to even be able to handle it. * One last thing I tried to hide from my suicidal feelings but tonight I really wanted to kill myself, I really wanted to die. But I kept pedaling home. I don't know why maybe I think its the right thing to do. Its bad to want to die there must be something wrong Ha I really wanted to kill myself I kept thinking "I hate myself" "I hate everyone" "Look at us fools" I don't know. The world can burn and I can busy myself trying to MAKE IT * Mercy escapes me like hot steam When you feel like you want to die I sit and cry All the years are creeping by And my thoughts are a limit, an inhibition I know it could be different I have no mercy for crying Though its all I can do in the meantime, we really feel like dying If you really feel like dying You can have your angels write a sing a long If you do it a lot your heart will grow stronger Just go a little longer I don't want you to disappear I love you and I always have my dear Key of b September 2017 * Please love me? Did you notice? Do my pimples and little cysts that everyone has bother you? There's I'm a hallucinating a bad smell in my nose. If I had one hour left with you if read you all my poems. Do you think I'm beautiful? Do you think I smoke too much pot? Am I too stupidly romantic? * I always next to gargabr garbage because I have an infection that won't go away. I think if I decide that its going to go away and act that way then it will. Has my infection always been obvious? Have I always had the precursors to having this infection? Can I tell him everything? Can I tell him about the infection? * Do you love me? An interrogation by nova luz Does it bother you that my skin isn't smooth? Does it bother you when I complain? They say the human brain can't tell the difference between imagination and physical reality and I really think this must be true, because every day I think I'm falling in love with you but the you I love is in my head. We have a lot of conversations in my imagination but almost none in real life.. Do you feel bad now? I want to make you feel bad because you aren't paying enough attention to me. Its hard not to think in archetypes. Combinations of faces of what we are seeing..or want to be seeing. You're a face in my archetypal boyfriend. I wish we saw each other more. Why don't you want to see me? Why do you hardly say a word to me but when I want a kiss you oblige me? Do you love me? Do you care that I'm using the word love even though you're not my boyfriend? I feel like I'm walking to the edge and being on the verge of tears. The edge of my capacity, how much wistful fantasizing can I handle before it gets the best of me? They say you create what you think about. I believe it. I believe in a lot of things people think are supernatural but it starts to seem normal once you realize everything is imbued with consciousness. Um...is this interrogation too much? Are you scared? I have to ask because I need to know how you really feel inside. And not just about me. Please help me. * They say that you create and attract what you think about so then maybe it's not a surprise that years ago I was seeing flashes of my life today. Maybe even you're here because I thought about you so much. Do you think so? Do you think there's something mystical about life? I do. * Hey so I need someone who can keep me safe.I'm a woman. It feels unnatural for me to initiate everything. I heard you when you said you didn't identify as a man and honestly this was my reaction to it and you can tell me what you think after. This is how I feel about what you expressed: There is definitely a lot of reasons for you to not identify as a man, but I just want to bring it to your attention that there is a big difference between feeling that your gender and energy is not what you were born as, and rejecting the gender you were born as because it's associated with tyranny and evil. What do you feel are your motives for disidentifying yourself as male? * Presents for Jonathan: Anything that can open the third eye Anything calming Or grounding Art booklet Ideas for art booklet: I want it to be something with clear messages, since there's a lot of things I feel like I want to tell him. I should make a list of messages for him and create the art pieces to match. I want to make a second version of the cards I gave him because I feel like I didn't get it quite right. I can see it in my head. I want to give him some writings I've already done and some new ones. Should I send him the really manic ones? Hmmm.. Messages I want to give to Jonathan: Divine masculine/divine feminine Sickness is our creation and our job to cure truly. True curing seems magical to me. I love you I feel like we are the same It hurts to not hear back from you I love your name I don't know if the intense polarization I feel is a good or a bad thing I love you * You seem like someone I could share my life with. You're still some white boy and your aura is kind of...murky and weak but you are a sweetheart Why do you avoid me??? Are you ignoring me??? Why do I think I'm falling in love with you? You seem like someone I could share my life with. Oh fuck. Were you thinking about me too? Or am I just crazy. Please its getting to be painful. I need to know. Were you thinking about me too? Even though you didn't know who I was? Am I the blue haired girl of your dreams? Please help. Am I going crazy or is everything I think real? *How could it be that i have no idea what I'm doing or whats going on? I'm hungry Don't forget to make a note of messages received Everyone makes art Eveeryonne is afraid of aging because here on earth some people can't age with no grace or distinction * The way you left last night made me feel kind of hurt. I thought it was weird that you left so abruptly and i was questioning whether i was right thinking there was something between you and that girl and I was trying to keep my cool, from the moment I realized that was the same person I had freaked out over before. Like I believed that she was your friend and I actually still do weirdly enough not that its any of my business anyway cause you're not like, my boyfriend or whatever but I just feel like that. I was just sad when you left. Can I say something? I would feel worse if I just kept it inside. Its just that the way you left had me questioning whether there was something b/w the two of you and I know its not even my business cause you're not my boyfriend but I cant help it * Dear Jonathan wow it has been a whole week and you're still here!! Congratulations. I don't know how you're doing it. Just trying to mess with you I don't know why you thought you could ignore my text but then like my drawing on facebook o.k. that's really annoying!!! If I had one of those bags of apples I would throw them at your head!! Do you get it yet? Is there something to get? I would like you to. Do you have other girls you think about? Do you think about me a lot? I'm really jealous of your friend Ali Why did you leave like that with her and that old guy? You left in such a rush my friend noticed it too. I felt really hurt at the time and I kind of still do. Whatever fine she's your friend. But I'm still jealous and I still think it was inconsiderate that you left like that when I really think you knew it would make me upset. And then you didn't say anything when I messaged you. That was shitty. And then you liked by stupid post! I want to throw glass bottles at your head sometimes. Its like you drop off and just go into your own world. I miss you :( I'm still mad at you!! If you don't know what I want from you by now I'm going to scream * It ended up that my memory was good enough to not have to write down all the messages I receive. Hmm. I may have to write some down. Again, I know I can trust my intuition to tell me when is the right time * Congratulations you are our 100th visitor. I could scream in agony--i mean joy-- I'm breaking, I was already broken but I'm going to keep breaking more inside. I think nobody knows. And especially not you. How can I be sure You don't know what the fantasies are like in my head. I can't take it. It would be different if...it wasn't so far detached. And I don't know because I'm too scared to share 90 percent of the fantasies I have. It might be getting close to the time I have to go. I don't know. Its not that I have anywhere more important to be. Should I just say it? Please don't let me fall in love with you. I think you share my fantasies. I think me making jewelry is a sign from the divine and yet again I don't fucking know why. What about my blue hair? Have you seen me before? In your dreams? I think I need to bury my fantasies. Eventually. When they're dead. That will be the time. Get it out of my head so I don't feel like its me dying. What the Fuck?? Why aren't you doing anything? Why don't you ask me how I'm doing?I'm sorry that I'm so nervous you must hate me. I want to cry. I want to rest my head on your chest. I want to kiss you in Brooklyn again, I want to kiss you in my borough I want your hand between my legs everyone wants me but I only want you. I'm starting to see, you're very far away from me. Have you heard that the mind can't distinguish between thought and reality? So I was living in my daydreams and it felt like you were my boyfriend. I've always been afraid of deluding myself, because everyone around me seemed to have thought that thought itself was an enemy. Think about it Its all true Thought is adversary as well as friend. I know because if I hadn't thought my way here id be dead or non existent, barely a flash of lightning on another plane. Sorry I got carried away. You must hate me * I feel sexual I want him to be my flower My heart is far off. Longing and blind to what's right in front of me. Waiting to eat. Waiting to use the bathroom. Waiting in line. Wasting my time. Every day life is opinionated, it doesn't feel hollow anymore, since I broke the barrier. Haunted. Tells me where to go. Listen close. I think I love him I think it is our destiny to fall in love. Lethargy works like alcohol without you having to drink. Alcohol works like my kitchen sink. I think I love him. I'm never happier than when I'm daydreaming about resting my head on his chest, and we are resting in the grass. My magic is disorganized and has no ritual. I think I might feel a little better if I settle into a natural pattern, nature is my heart is far off is a forest is nature is my heart is running to catch me is right by my side again. Whether I want him or not when I think to it. When I think it too he comes to me, I think he is right by my side, I only thought of you because it felt good just to have you in my daydreams and imagination, I thought of you and I felt you coming, and then you were here and I screaming inside because I still think I might not deserve, and I need to know I need to hear you say that yes, you want to be here with me too. Because I was distracted I'm sorry. I love you too * Everything makes me angry I feel this heat in my entire body Who told me that my naked body was inherently sexual? Is a newborns body inherently sexual? Is sexuality bad? Is toxic Christianity going to be erased from American society? Banal Infidelities fiel diety stays loyal to me, there's only one diety, theres only one god I know that's wrong

[aether-somerset]

I replied to you in my blog, in case Tumblr is not showing tags.

(Here is the reply, for those curious. And here is what it was replying to.)

Wow. Just like… wow. First of all, I did not expect anyone towrite a paragraph at me at any point, especially when I’m so new tothis fandom (also, I don’t recall ever asking a question? I’mgetting forgetful in my young age, clearly). I’ve watched the anime(or at least, the DR1 anime, I’ve yet to check if there’s more),and I’ve so far played up until the end of chapter 5, so this is…well, I’m not going to pretend for a second that I can fathom mostof what you just said. I also get absolutely zero of the referencesyou made outside of DR1.

I don’t think I’m able to confidently rebut most of what yousaid, especially since the only fictional detectives I couldconfidently compare her to is Naoto Shirogane of the Persona seriesand maybe some characters from Ace Attorney, so I suppose all I cando is… well, ramble about my favorite character in this game. Thenmaybe apply those ramblings to why I like that scene. Click read morefor an equally lengthy essay, probably.

Now, it’s difficult to not be biased about this character. She’sbuilt from an archetype I like, she’s played well from myperspective, and her character design is gorgeous to me. I liked herfrom the beginning, instantly recognizing her as the aloof,analytical, distant one, who likely had emotions beneath theprojected front of stoicism.

As the story progressed, she seemed to be uncovering the mysterybetter than anyone else, and along with Byakuya and Celeste, she wasthe most pragmatic. They were the power trio of the story; the cold,calculating Byakuya who saw the game as it was and lacked regard forhuman life. The (usually) stoic, conniving Celeste who was theultimate liar right up until her series of fumbles. And she, thevoice of reason, the audience surrogate, and the one who kneweverything all along all the time.

And though you mention how she solves the mysteries with a shrug,I beg to differ.

First of all, she evidently shows interest in these cases, as ininvestigations she will examine everything down to details thatnobody else would ever have considered.An alternate title would fittingly be Ultimate Tutorial, becauseshe’s fine with taking Makoto through the motions of everything. LikeByakuya, she’s fond of “Tell them, Naegi,” and all-around gettingpeople to come to their own conclusions. That’’s something she foundimportant. She didn’t like tellingpeople the answer. She liked to see them come to their ownconclusion.

In the fifth trial, it’s evidentthat she herself experiences some panic. And it starts to becomeclearer that the emotion she’s expressing is not one of disinterest –she’s just got more of a poker face than Celeste could dream of. Evenwhen essentially cornered, her expression barely changes. She gives asmall speech or two, but overall, she’s the same old Kyoko. In herpanic to not be put to death, she frames Makoto, and expressesremorse for her actions; apologizing genuinely, not pretending sheknew he’d be okay, and taking full responsibility for what she’ddone. Now, this garbage room scene is something I’d been through onlytoday, so I can’t fully analyze it, since it’s still all floatingaround in my mind.

One thing I remember clearly is the issue with Sakura being themole. From both a story and character perspective, this is one ofMakoto’s ever-so-typical stupid, unreasonable,you-picked-up-the-idiot-ball-for-the-sake-of-the-plot moments.Makoto, who’d so strongly stated that Kyoko needed to trust him,refused to trust her, and his reasons for not telling her are beyondweak and contrived. Some cite Hiro’s “Kyoko’s a ghost!” tobe one of the worst moments in the game, but for me that moment hasnothing on Makoto’s unwillingness to tell Kyoko about Sakura. Atleast Hiro can be comical –  the pointless contrivance of thisconflict makes me want to bash my head against a wall. It’s clearthat he damned Sakura by doing this. By his on-and-off againcowardice. I often like Makoto as a character, but I just as oftenfind myself realizing that he’s barely a character at all. He’s awalking plot trigger, doing whatever the story needs to progress theway it does.

Back to Kyoko though; as she states, her response to Makoto nottrusting her was an overreaction. But therein lies something veryimportant about her character – it was a human reaction. It’s notcalculated, it’s not reasonable, it’s not professional – it’s notthe stoic, almost disinterested front she projects the rest of thetime. She takes it personally, and she blows it out of proportion inher own way. Frustrating as this forced plot point was, it’s one ofthe moments in DR that shows how she is beneath the facade. I canrelate to Kyoko here.

And, personally, I never thought she sounded scripted. No more sothan anyone else, at least. She speaks as her archetype would.Expository, wordy, and thoroughly thought out.

Kyoko to me has never been“awesome” or “badass.” These terms to me fit characters likeByakuya, Mondo, Sakura… but not Kyoko. To me, Kyoko was all aboutthe intrigue. She herself was a mystery. I loved her as a character,where she’d interject and why. Who she spoke to and in what tone.Moments like handing Byakuya her room key, moments like the suddenrage about the headmaster. It was never about what she did, but howshe did it. Yes, she has plenty of room to grow, and I hopethroughout the series I see the growth I’m looking for.

She’s also perhaps the mostconsistent character in the story. Where Hiro and Byakuya get highlyexaggerated, and get kind of grating at times, and Toko went from badto please actually fucking die,Kyoko only gets better in terms of her characterization; if onlybecause she is surrounded by increasingly eccentric characters andhas to act as the most sane of the lot.

She’s not roasting Byakuya for distrusting the others in thisscene. Quite actually, she’s roasting him for his sheer apathy andinability to understand how people work. Really, I’m shocked shenever threw his own words in his face. It was he who went on and onabout “not assuming others work by your own morals” yet that’sexactly what he did. He assumed that there was some gain to killingSakura, some clear-cut reason she died, something.By judging things from the perspective of his horse, the highest ithad been all game, he couldn’t solve the mystery.

As distant as Kyoko is, as soloas she likes to work, she understands people.She’s the only one who actually thinks like Byakuya claimed to think.She knows everyone has their own motives, people will do things thatmake no sense and act irrationally. It’s only natural she’d sass him– Byakuya made a fool of himself. He was indignant, clueless, andabove all; he went against his own advice. Her reaction fits. And thefact that she takes this tone with him shows further character.Beneath her stoic front, there lies an attitude.

It’s clear here that the majorissues are our differences in experience with characters and ourpreferences of archetypes. We saw everything about Kyoko from anentirely different perspective, and projected entirely differentinterpretations onto her. Same could be said about DR1 as a whole. Isuppose I’m the target audience for this, after all – having lovedPersona, Ace Attorney, visual novels in general… It’s right up myalley. I love this game, and all of its characters. Except Toko. Toko can just… not.

So in conclusion, I suppose, allI can really say is that Kyoko to me is a very endearing charactertype that I’m comfortable and familiar with. She has great moments,and her moments with Byakuya show how much they clash and in the bestof ways. This scene, to me, represents Byakuya’s huge mistake, andKyoko picking him up on it in the most satisfying of ways.

My ramblings were probably disjointed and not a very good argument, but I tried at least

[aion-rsa]

Slott’s Silver Surfer Rides a Wave of Crazy, Cosmic Adventure

When you explore the galaxy with one of the most powerful figures in the Marvel Universe, every day is an adventure — but what happens on those days where a major cosmic crisis arises, or, worse, the events of your previous exploits come back to haunt you? Dawn Greenwood, the girlfriend and traveling companion of the Silver Surfer is about to find out.

Writer Dan Slott and artist Mike Allred’s fan favorite “Silver Surfer” series is ramping up the action with some big stories that pay off long plot threads and bring back old friends and foes. It all starts with “Silver Surfer” #10 where the title character suddenly finds himself face-to-face with his old master, Galactus, who is now a being known as the Lifebringer. It then continues with a series of big issues as Slott and Allred head towards a story they’ve been wanting to tell since they first launched the book back in 2014.

CBR spoke with Slott about his plans for the series, the status of the Surfer and Dawn’s relationship, writing Galactus in his new Lifebringer incarnation, and his plan to get “Silver Surfer” back on a regular monthly schedule.

CBR: In “Silver Surfer” #9, Dawn Greenwood runs into Mr. Rappaport and it feels like a very important event. Can you refresh our memories about the character? Is he someone who has been in the background of the book for a while?

Dan Slott: We have seen Mr. Rappaport. He hasn’t been named, but we’ve seen him show up in the book every now and then in a ghost like or stealth mode manner where the Surfer and Dawn haven’t been able to see him. We, the readers, though have been aware that Mr. Rappaport was there, and keen-eyed “Silver Surfer” fans can find a reference to Mr. Rappaport somewhere in the first volume of our “Silver Surfer” series. IT’S ALMOST LIKE WE’VE BEEN PLANNING THIS! [Laughs]

And bear in mind Mr. Rappaport is just the name Dawn was calling him. That might not be his real name.

Another interesting development in this new volume of “Silver Surfer” is that Norrin and Dawn have become a romantic couple. Has he ever had this type of relationship with someone since gaining the power cosmic?

Since gaining the power cosmic? Well, over the years we’ve seen him tormented over being kept away from Shalla-Bal, and we’ve seen him care for people deeply, but in the start of my and Mike’s first “Silver Surfer” story arc, the whole reason Dawn comes into Norrin Radd’s life is because this cosmic machine, the Motivator, scans him and plucks from all of time-and-space the person who is/was/will-be the most important to him.

You’ll have to wait and see exactly what it means when someone as cosmic as Surfer loves a mortal.

It seems like so far he’s not having the best of luck with their new relationship. In issue #5 he took Dawn to see her long lost mom without asking, and in issue #9 he was ready to destroy the hologram planet when he thought they had harmed her.

He’s fumbling in all the ways anyone does, but when he fumbles, Surfer fumbles with The Power Cosmic backing his every move. That’s kind of dangerous.

Issue #10 sees the return of an important figure in the Silver Surfer mythos and one who’s changed a lot in recent months, his former master Galactus. Will those changes be reflected in Galactus’ appearance in the issue?

Yes! Dawn and the Surfer’s only interaction together with Galactus was with “The Devourer of Worlds”; the purple helmeted Galactus we all know and fear. Anyone reading Al Ewing’s “Ultimates” though knows that Galactus is now The Lifebringer! He’s clad in gold and seeding life throughout the cosmos. This is the first time the Surfer will meet that version of Galactus. That’s gotta mess him up a bit… [Laughs]

It’s fun. I also like that there’s been a little Surfer-Ultimates love going on. Over in “Ultimates” the Never Queen has been showing up. “Ultimates 2” is one my favorite books that Marvel is putting out. I love all of Al’s books.

Whenever the Surfer meets Marvel characters, we’re not off in some bubble. If he meets Thor it’s Jane Foster. We’ve seen him meet Miles Morales, Squirrel Girl, and Ms. Marvel. He’s clearly in the current Marvel Universe, except most of the time we’re off exploring places in the cosmos that no Marvel fan has ever seen before.

That means we’re on the edge of discovery all the time. So it’s neat when suddenly the Surfer’s thrust into a situation where has to deal with the fact that the universe he knows has changed. We saw him meet the Unseen on the moon. He was expecting Uatu, the Watcher. Like a lot of old time fans, the Surfer was very much, “What’s happened to Marvel continuity? What’s going on?!” [Laughs]

What’s it like writing this new incarnation of Galactus and bouncing him off the Surfer?

When we meet him in issue #10, Lifebringer Galactus is doing something that is saving the fabric of reality. He’s protecting the universe and needs the Surfer to help. So right at the get-go Surfer gets thrown into a situation where he has to help his former master. They have to work together for the sake of us all, and that’s… weird.

He’s no longer the angry, bellowing force of nature that’s HUNGRY! He’s like, “Former Herald! Help me out.”

What Galactus and the Surfer have to do is epic, and that’s the fun of it. They’re thrown into this big thing, and just like with “Mr. Rappaport”, fans will see that as we’ve been moving along in this new series, we’re starting to pick up a few puzzle pieces. Everything is coming together to form a larger picture, and more and more things have been seeded and they’re getting ready to pay off. It’s as if we’re building to something… HUGE!

I imagine that continues in issues #11 with the return of Warrior One who is now Warrior Zero.

Every being on Planet Prime strives to be the best at one thing. The Surfer got into a fight with their greatest warrior, and after losing to the Surfer, he no longer was that one greatest thing. So he went from being Warrior One to Warrior Zero. In issue #11 it’s time for his vengeance. He must destroy the Surfer at all costs to get back his ranking.

And this happens at the worst time! It’s when Dawn and Surfer really have something important to do.

I wanted to take a moment to talk about your collaboration with artist Mike Allred. You guys have been working together on this book for a while now. What’s it been like?

Working with Mike Allred has just been the best ever. I’ve never worked on a book with this long of an unbroken run of just working with one artist and building that relationship. When we get to “Surfer” #10, it will be our 25th Surfer story together, or 26th if you include the “Marvel Point One” from way back in the day.

Mike and [colorist] Laura [Allred] are just this positive force of nature and creativity. They’re so much fun to work with and so professional. They’re sweet human beings and so godlike in their talents. I’m just so happy at the end of every “Silver Surfer” issue. It’s because of all the love they put into it all.

Awhile back we talked about how you had three big “Silver Surfer” stories that you and Mike wanted to tell. What can you tell us about that?

When we were still in the planning sessions for the book we worked out all these big stories, and there was this one story that before we could do it we had to tell all these other stories first. And we’ll finally get there with “Silver Surfer” #12.

We have a very devout following on “Surfer,” but it would be great if we had more readers. So much of what we do on this book is out of love and the fact that it makes us happy. Then you see the sales figures for anything in this market and it’s like, “Oh god! Hang in there, Surfer!” So I kept hoping we’d get to issue #12 and we made it! YAY! We hit issue #12 and we’re going beyond!

Issue #12 is an emotionally epic story.

So “Silver Surfer” #12 is not the book’s final issue?

I can be very late on plot and scripts as I tighten every bolt and polish every bit and bauble, and Marvel needs Spider-Man to come out regularly. So if there’s ever a conflict over which book has to come out, we always have to jump Spidey to the front of the queue, and that’s frustrating.

I love working on Spidey, but a lot of times that means that Silver Surfer gets short shrift on the schedule. But with our big “Clone Conspiracy” event wrapped up, I’ve got a normal schedule now, and working hard to keep a nice, unbroken run of “Surfer” from now on! So get ready to ride that monthly, cosmic wave!

The post Slott’s Silver Surfer Rides a Wave of Crazy, Cosmic Adventure appeared first on CBR.

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