#and they taemin this look when they told him theyre genderfluid bc taemin had no idea what that meant

[endlessfics]

rippling

taekey (implied onkai on the side) | pg | 770 words | cw: mentions of religion | prism au 

“prism, he thought, would be a little safe haven of sort.”

taemin’s not necessarily the most socially skilled person out there. he gets a little awkward, he might stumble over his words, he might not say anything at all because he’s worried it will come out in the wrong way or just sound plain stupid.

but when he found out about prism, he’s excited because it’s an lgbt+ club. the picture of the poster stays stored in his phone and he thought of when to go there – because he wanted to. he assumed it would be an outlet of sort. throughout his everyday life, he stays stuck in a shell that defines him as straight. it’s something he isn’t. it’s something he’s painfully aware of that he isn’t.

prism, he thought, would be a little safe haven of sort.

except until he gets there.

he didn’t expect anything to be a walk on roses but he didn’t expect to be approached so quickly. he remembers how scared he felt and how much he regretted ever setting his foot into the club. he remembers his hands shaking when that minho pulled the other guy away from him and how that jonghyun tried to talk him out of his fear. luckily there weren’t a lot of people at the lounge section. most were downstairs clubbing.

he found himself unable to reply to jonghyun because he felt stupid. he thinks, just because life isn’t a dance on roses, doesn’t it mean he has to step on thorns right away. or? it gets worse before it gets better?

key was another story.

taemin felt like he was in high school again. where people judged you a lot easier. key would scorn at him, portray their complete distaste whenever he was around and taemin felt himself shrinking.

now, he stands awkwardly placed into a birthday party – not just anyone’s birthday. key’s birthday. jonghyun had insisted. jonghyun had talked him into coming and when he stood there, close to the wall, he thought of how he wished the earth would just swallow him whole and preferably spit him out somewhere he can be alone. he wishes he had said no to jonghyun. 

jongin said he was going to be there because jinki was going to be there. taemin has only spoken to jinki a couple of times. jinki’s nice, he has a soft voice that calms you down – jinki just made him feel soothed just from a few minutes of their presence. he wouldn’t mind his own jinki. but it’s jongin that has his own jinki and  taemin is left, back pressed against the wall while trying to avoid eye contact with whoever looks in his direction.

to say he felt welcomed was not true. he didn’t. he felt more of an outlier than he ever has in his whole life. he had a few friends in high school, he did well in ballet, he got along with the other waiters at his dad’s restaurant, he was good in church – but here? at prism? he feel so out of place it hurts.

he knows people talk about him. probably about how stupid he looks just standing there with an untouched glass in his hand. he didn’t want to drink around people he didn’t know.

is it because he’s a christian? a catholic? he thought about it for a few moments until he realised how stupid a gay catholic sounded. catholic and gay are the two biggest contrasts there are, he assumes. now he’s both.

now he’s both.

he also knows that his church won’t accept him as gay. but he also feels like people scoff at him for being religious. the silver cross he had as a necklace around his neck, the one he used to show now lies under his shirt.

the moment he lifted his gaze to be met with a drunk key telling him he probably shouldn’t be at their birthday party, is the same moment taemin feels like he has to run. key was drunk, he knew that. but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. he always knew drunk words were true words.

the second key left them to cheerfully go talk to someone else is when taemin decided to leave. he searched around for jongin only to see him with jinki. he searched briefly for jonghyun only to see them distracted by something else. minho’s with jonghyun. he took the moment to put his glass down and leave as quickly as he could.

at that moment, taemin re-considered the life plan he made when he was eighteen. he thought of how easily he could pretend he was straight.