#and this isnt to say that drawing trans men with breasts or more feminine bodies is wrong

[too-cute-foryou]

this might be a take too hot for tumblr but I think that some people should just be banned from drawing trans men all together. doesn’t matter if you’re trans yourself, if you’re doing this I think you need to stop

[thathumanwiththecatears]

its the night after my birthday rn as im starting to type this, and i have no idea if i will actually finish this tonight and post it or not so just for reference to see how long it takes me to talk about this its currently 1:43 am on 2/5/18 and everything id under the cut because its very long.

so, i want to talk about literally everything going on in my head about gender, and im not gonna leave anything out, not even the stuff that i would normally be really afraid to talk about on here cause i just need to put everything down in words. 

I currently identify as a genderfluid person who leans more on the masculine side. and just for clarification i will say i also call myself trans, trans masc, nonbinary, and genderqueer. I discovered that i was genderfluid in 2015 and i have been happy with that label ever since, of course with the normal self questioning every genderfluid person goes through. 

for kind of a while but mostly recently, i have started wondering if i am possibly also intersex. for anyone who doesnt know what that means: its when you are born with ambiguous sex traits, so that can mean a lot of things like different hormones and genitals and stuff. so apparently, most people who are born intersex dont actually know, and neither do their parents, because if there is anything physically “out of the ordinary” you could say, they will just do a surgery to fix it first. 

now one thing that made me think this was the fact that i have a hormone imbalance. and i havent actually looked into anything that much to even know if that is a sign of it, but what i do know is i was told to take birth control to fix it and i can not stand how it makes me feel. It feels wrong, sometimes it almost feels like my body fights with it too and like i have more testosterone because of it trying to counteract it. again none of this is scientific, i literally dont know how this shit works and feel free to tell me i am an idiot. There are also 2 other reasons i think this but im actually rethinking the posting literally everything cause im too uncomfortable posting about those two so im gonna not talk about them, but feel free to make up your own idea if you so choose, you will probably be wrong.

things that i had before starting birth control were: hair on legs and under arms growing really fast, i smelled worse, i will say i had a stronger libido, i had long dark hairs that would grow from under my chin and neck (not extremely noticeable but they were there), some hair on my tummy, and a few hairs occasionally grew in between my tiddies, and i had a VERY messed up menstrual cycle like i very rarely had periods. there are more things but at this time i cant think of anymore. these things have all like not stopped but chilled i guess, and i almost hate it?? which is one of the things that is making me more interested in trying to go on T. 

There are many things i want from T but also so many things i am afraid of. i will mention the stuff im afraid of first cause i honestly feel like that is an easier list for me to talk about. so big big one, is my hair, i am terrified to lose my hair. so much of my self confidence comes from my hair its not even funny. i rely so much on my hair. people always question if im drawing myself when i draw characters because all of them have hair extremely similar to my own, but i just love this hair, i always have, and the fact that i actually get to have this hair on my head makes me incredibly happy. 

another thing im less concerned about but a bit is my voice. i know that that is like one of the main things trans guys usually want to change but i like my voice. i like how it sounds, and i like to sing. im afraid of what my voice will sound like after, im afraid i will hate it, and the thing is, that isnt reversible, if i go on T and my voice changes and i dont like it, i cant just stop T and have it go back. that is a permanent change, same with the hair. the things im most afraid of are the permanent things so im very afraid of it.

face shape changing is one thing im on the fence about, on one hand i think it would be nice, but also, i like my face shape, or at least the face shape i pretend to have in selfies, but I also use makeup to make it more masculine and i love how that looks and wish it could really look like that. Because of the fact that im genderfluid not a trans man makes it so much harder. 

things i think would be fantastic though, a big one for me is getting rid of periods, and i know that can be done by other things but it is deff a huge plus to this too, you see I got really used to not having them like ever, and now i have them every month, and i cant stand it. this is also gonna be really gross but whatever, i dont even like, do anything sometimes. i will just free bleed, if im home, if im wearing one of the pairs of pajama pants that i know always wash out all the blood then i just dont bother with anything, i have a short and not too heavy period so i dont even ever bleed completely through the pants either, so it just kinda works. its just so annoying and i hate that i have to deal with it now. 

another thing is weird to some but body hair growth, some people hate it but i kinda like it sometimes, and if i decide i dont i can just shave it off and everything is great. also beards, i love beards, and judging by my family and the fact that my face tries to grow hairs without T tells me i can deff grow one. and again if i decide i dont want it i can just shave it off. 

body fat migration, to make me have a less feminine body, and muscle growth, are both things that on my fat ass body i dont think would make too much of a difference quite honestly, but would i be pumped to look less feminine and be able to get more muscle if i actually worked out? HELL YEAH. and im just gonna slip this lil thing in here i like the idea of the uh,,, growth, that happens else where but just my body changing like that makes me happy, i know for a fact that i want to get my chest removed because its extremely annoying and gives me dysphoria, and quite honestly my tits are fucking ugly, i dont care how body positive i want to be and how i support any other person with large breasts, mine are so fucking ugly i have hated them since they grew in.

there are a ton of tiny things too that change that i want and like also just the fact of having those hormones in my body would make me feel normal. estrogen doesnt make me feel right. it makes me feel like something is wrong with me, and like i have taken away a part of myself. i dont know how to describe it, but that “hormone imbalance” felt more “right” to me than this. i feel like im messed up now. 

im just conflicted. I want to be happy, I want to feel okay in my body, but right now i dont, and i also dont know if being on T would fix it, or give me irreversible side effects that i can never fix and leave me feeling the same way. I honestly just feel like i would be better with my “imbalance” cause that was the most normal i have felt. but apparently thats not “healthy” 

literally like the main thing here is im not a trans man, and im not a cis woman, and yeah i lean more on masculine, but will i regret doing things to my body that actually make me physically closer to being male. i dont know, and there is no way to find out without really regretting it. but im just not happy how i currently am either, so it just makes it so hard. there is like no way for me to be happy like this, i just dont even want to have a human body, i would rather exist as just a formless entity that has no male or female traits. 

this post didnt even help me figure stuff out. im still just as confused. I just want to be able to live as a man but keep my voice and hair, if i could do that i think i would be 100% ready to go on T. and these are such petty things and i feel so bad about being caught up on them cause trans men talk about how they are afraid to lose their hair but say how its worth it to them. and i feel so bad that i dont know if it is worth it for me. like i dont deserve to transition if i dont think its worth it.

it has been an hour now. and i think im done now. but i might post about this again.