#and usually I would just journal but eh I am isolated enough right now

[floralgothpersephone]

Countdown

Sooooo.... several.... um months ago, I was tagged by @jaygirl987  and this has just been sitting in my drafts... forever??? oops. Oh well, I am feeling in an over-sharing mood. So I am going to do it now. Felt confident in sharing, might delete later. Response is below the cut, because we are writing essays tonight. 

Rules: List 1 Insecurity, 2 Fears, 3 Turn-ons, 4 Life Goals, 5 Things I like, 6 Weaknesses, 7 Things I Love, 8 Tags  I am going to tag: @akai-vampire, @claudeng80, @bookloverfio, @bigprincess-energy, @peachdoxie, @ruleofexception, @infinitelystrangemachinex, @anais-mitchell

ONE Insecurity:

---People who meet me for the first time always say I am remarkable. But I don’t really agree with that at all, I still don’t understand where people get that from. I feel very desperately flawed and a moderately dysfunctional human doing my damned best with what I’ve got, and isn’t that just a normal state of being for everyone making their way in this life. And if people say I am remarkable, and it turns out to be true, then does that mean I am not normal??? How is everyone else living their life then? What am I doing wrong??? or right?? or differently??? How do I bottle up this whole remarkable thing and share it with everyone else?? Being called remarkable makes me fear for everyone else. Because if i am struggling this much, and people still seem to think I am amazing then does that mean everyone else who is struggling is failing in some reguard?  I have met so many other people in the world who are just as special as me, and if i am raised above that then what about all those other people? Aren’t they remarkable too? Kinda takes away the meaning of remarkable then, if everyone else is also remarkable. I don’t know. Every time I meet someone new and they call me remarkable it makes my skin crawl. What sort of face are they seeing me wear that makes it happen so often? I just try and be myself, and stay true to who I am in any given moment but then that makes their statement have more power? I hate it. Nothing makes me more insecure. I can go from full blown confidence down to nothing the moment someone says that about me. I know I am odd and don’t quite function right in society, and have a very different perspective on it because of my dysfunction, but that shouldn’t make me remarkable. There are too many other people in this world for me to be remarkable. 

TWO Fears:

---I may never get to see Amber Gray perform Persephone in Hadestown

---Cockroaches. Turns out I have an actual phobia of cockroaches. 

THREE “turn-ons”: 

---Silly Antics, like sheer outrageous, ridiculous things that make you laugh until you cry. Like, I fall in love a little bit with everyone who has ever made me laugh. So like, the more you make me the laugh the more I look at that and go, “mhm tasty”. Also, if we are not laughing at some point during sex then what even is the point??? 

--- Loyalty, Reliability and just being supportive and a good friend. Like, I am very much very very demisexual and while I can look at people and love their look and their aesthetics and be attracted to that, I need a very firm established relationship for like... years, before I am ever actually interested in letting them into my bed. I need some definite proof that they are in this for the long run before I can let my sexuality come into play.  

---Being crafty and creative. Seeing someone make a very nice craft gets me all worked up in ways I can’t quite describe. But every time a partner of mine starts a project and is making things I want to jump their  b o n e s. 

FOUR Life Goals:

---Get my ass to fucking Greece and like. Stay there. For months. And just travel??? And like, take my time, no rushing around to do every single thing. I want to go to these places and be there for so long that I can just sit and be. 

---B a b i e s. Dear lordy if you look at every major decision i have ever made in my life, it has all lead up to the fact that I want to have kids, and I want to have a family in a very specific supportive and stable way and I need to complete these things before i can have my kids. BUT BOY THE HORMONES ARE STRONG AND I WANT THEM NOW. 

---Can I put travel twice? Travel is so important to me. I have to see the world, I need to map it. I need to see all the different types of humans and cultures there are in the world and I need to experience what there is in this life before its all over. 

---I have this home I like to dream about, its constantly changing, but its small, while having enough space to breathe, covered in plants, an entire wall that is just a bookcase to store the entirety of Alex and I’s mug collection (we are looking at least 80 mugs between the two of us currently). A claw foot bathtub in a room full of windows that is just a glorified greenhouse really. comfy reading nooks and places for play, covered in nothing but soft blankets and cushioned seats. A cat or two lounging around among all the soft places in the sun light. Walls covered in cork boards so that I can pin up hundreds of pictures of the family I have built for myself. Little foot steps running around from kids playing, and having my partners home with me to cook and raise the little ones together in a family and a community. I just. I just want that little domestic haven of something calm and secure that I never got to have growing up in my life. 

FIVE Things I Like:

---Pottery!  (my craft of choice, I’ve been making pots for 17 years now and it never gets old) 

---Plants! (I live in a small jungle! I’m a plant witch! I love my plants! They are my only friends some days! But thats okay, I take care of them and in return they take care of me.) 

---Places! (I’m a map maker, I love learning about the identity of a location both on a map and within the human mind. How amazing that a collection of humans create an identity for a geographical space separate from other all the other geographical spaces. That’s wild! I want to learn what makes them all different forever!) 

---Purple! (My hair is purple, its been purple since I started grad school! I flirted with pink hair and orange hair last year to try on different types of variety and see how that fit but I am back to purple and I am back to my normal skin! My purple hair is the source of my internal confidence and a major point of my identity) 

---Music! (I am not sure I  would ever be able to navigate my own mental landscape without the aid of music guiding me through all my different emotions and feelings so that I could have a safe place to experience them without fear of repercussion) 

SIX Weaknesses:

---I over think everything (case and point, this post, whoops) 

---An open opportunity. Like, if I am given an opportunity suddenly that wasn’t previously available and wouldn’t be available in the future, I will move mountains to make it happen. If I see a window to be able to do something with a time limit I am jumpin as fast as I can to get through that window before it closes. I think its because I grew up with zero opportunities in my life when I was little so somewhere in my bones I believe that every opportunity I get is rare and special thing and if I don’t take it now then I won’t ever get another one. Sometimes its exhausting but I can’t honestly say there is a list of things that I could have done that I didn’t? I have very little regrets in that regard. 

---I am willing to see and recognized my flawed personality traits, but rarely ever actually do anything to fix them. I am a big of a believer in accepting yourself with all the flaws (part of the side effects of recovering from perfectionism) but that mentality has a different problem... in which you are so comfortable with the problems that you don’t have any desire to fix them? Yeah.  

---Um, I have a major weakness for brown eyed, brunette girls and have fallen waaaay too hard for too many of them in my life for it to not be a thing (that Alex teases me relentlessly about). Honestly the list is long, but good news. Fiona is on that list. <3

---Potential. I have a weakness for potential, sometimes that manifests in craft materials. (Oh I could make this into this other thing!) So I have quite the collection of crafting hoards. I rarely buy plants when they are big because I am far more interested in getting a small plant because of it its potential to grow into something. I love love love love working in clay because there is just SO MUCH potential for it to become really ANYTHING???? Its amazing!!! Like, if you imagine in there is a way to make it real. And I am obsessed with that feeling. 

--- I have a weakness for cream. I like half and half in my tea. I like whipped cream on my waffles. I like straight up cream on my strawberries. I like clotted cream on scones. I like creamy milkshakes. The creamiest of cheeses. If its a cream based sauce I’m in. Just. Cream. 

SEVEN Things I Love:

I just now realized that there is a difference in the lists for “like” and “love” LOL there is no difference to me. I have no moderation, I either love something with my whole heart or not at all. So lets wax some poetry on things I have already listed, because the things I like I also love. 

--- Okay, pottery, so like, Pottery is amazing??? Because you take dirt!!! like muddy gross squishy dirt!!!! and you mold it into something you like???? And then you FIRE IT!!! Like how metal is that???? You are creating something from DIRT. And on top of that, it lasts FOREVER. like, people hundreds of years from now are gonna be digging up our civilization and our computers are going to be dead, our papers and paintings: dead, our books? Hopefully not dead. But whats going to be left is our city foundations, our places, our trash and our shitty broken pots. And goddamn, I am obsessed with looking around our world and just IMAGINING what these people in the far off future are gonna think. And there isn’t a single piece of pottery that I make in which I am not thinking those exact thoughts and trying to imagine what that person in the future is going to be like when they find this.

--- And on that note, places are just so fricking cool. Because I grew up in a mono-culture where the majority of the population belonged to the same culture and the identity of the place was a direct reflection of the people. But other places have SO MUCH DIVERSITY and I am just amazed and inspired about how you can take SO MANY PEOPLE from SO MANY DIFFERENT CULTURES and pack them all into a city, and then that city becomes its own culture??? and has its own Identity??? Like, New Yorkers, those people come from fucking everywhere on the entire planet, and YET everyone knows there is a New York culture that is just agreed upon? And New York has an cohesive identity to how it functions, and how it works. Just. How amazing is that. And Minneapolis, jeez, bless Minneapolis. Because it has the midwestern identity but its developing one all on its own. And it doesn’t have a National presence yet, so in a lot of ways its just developing its identity for the world and its just so amazing to see all the different ways that people provide input on how they want their city to develop, and with each step it comes closer and closer to a face it wants to display to the world??? Its like, seeing a teenage, trying out who they want to be and developing them self to become a real adult. And goddamnit I want to see Minneapolis into a fully mature Nationally known city. I can’t wait. 

---So plants, are like. The best therapy. Because plants don’t really talk, well okay I think they do, BUT PHYSICALLY, they don’t talk. And so in order to figure out what they need to you have to listen to them in a very different way then humans are used to?? You have to observe, and check-in and interact and just learn about a plant so that you can care for it. And I think thats exactly how humans are too, except we have this obnoxious thing called talking that sometimes make it difficult to actually figure out what is going on down below. Its easy for someone to say they are fine when they really are not. But plants don’t get to say that they are fine. When they suffer they do so silently and while they may want to scream for more water they have to let you know in other ways, drooping, changing color, dropping all its leaves in protest. And thats the other thing about plants too, is that every type of plant asks for help differently? How amazing is that. You have to get to know the plant on an individual level, there is no “one way fits all” fix-it for plant care. You have to know your plant. You don’t have to know all the plants in the world, just the ones you take into your care. And thats just so symbolic for me. And when I am taking care of my plants, I am taking care of myself too. Water for the plants, water for the Becca. Sunlight for the plants, sunlight for the Becca. Extra boost of fertilizer for the plants, extra boost of vitamins for the Becca. And I love my plants, even with their imperfections and wild ways of growing. Sometimes they get a whole lotta attitude in how they grow, and it isn’t picture perfect, but that doesn’t matter. Cause thats my plant! And its growing and thriving and I am so happy that its doing well! It doesn’t need to be the prettiest plant that ever existed. It just needs to live. And damn thats all I need. 

---Purple is just an amazing color. Like everyone has heard the poetry talking about the richness and royalty and the history that the color purple has. But for me? Purple was a color I was immediately drawn to as a kid for no apparent reason but that I liked it. And I was not allowed, because the color purple was Barney colors and my parents were so very concerned that the other kids would torment me (spoilers, the kids found other reasons to torment me, and I was just denied being allowed to wear my favorite color). And then there was the instance of my grandmother, who, lets be honest, doesn’t win any “good grandparent” awards. And she LOATHS the color purple. Just thinks its really ugly. And took every chance to tell me that whenever I went shopping with her or if she wanted to get me a gift and was looking for input. So i went through all these stages when I was little, only being allowed to like pink, but then internalized misogyny said that was dumb so then I chose blue to be my favorite color while completely denying that what I wanted was purple. So yeah. By the time college came around and I was an “adult” (lol) I was just like. Fuck this shit no one can tell me what I am allowed to like and claimed purple for everything in my life. and I mean. e v e r y t h i n g. Backpack? Purple. Every piece of clothing I owned? Purple. Jackets? Purple. ipod? Purple. Does the object come in purple? Yes. Well then that is the correct answer. When I broke down and finally dyed my hair purple (like I have wanted to do since I was little, but again, I was not allowed and can you imagine being a non-mormon kid in the little valley with purple hair in high school??? Fuck I would have been the anti-christ of all sinners.) But in Minneapolis it seemed like it would be far more acceptable and wouldn’t result in immediate social disgrace. So I did it. I graduated my undergrad and dyed my hair purple because I could. And it changed my entire life. No more wall-flowering. No more hiding in the shadows praying no one notices that you don’t quite belong. No more pretending that you don’t exist so that people can walk all over you as they pass by. When you have a wildly different color hair, you have to own it. There is no “oh haha, whoops” about it. You made that decision, you put the color in your hair with that intention. And now its there to stay until you cut it all off. And that was the kick in the butt for me. That was the thing I need to own my own self and to lay claim to my voice. And for a while, it wasn’t easy. It was learning a whole new skillset. And there was definitely a major time span that was just “fake it until you make it”. But I kept faking it for the sake of my purple hair, because every time I looked into the mirror it made me so happy I could cry. I wasn’t looking a the mirror nitpicking my reflection any more. I was just joyful, because my hair was purple and I loved it. So every time someone made a comment whether it was good or bad, I would be dying on the inside from having the attention on me. But I would pull out the big ole grin of joy that I wasn’t really feeling and be like “Yeah isn’t it great! Its my favorite color!” And the good comments would be happy for me, and the bad comments would be thrown off by my enthusiasm and usually go away. And at one point that big joyful grin wasn’t just a farce, and now, 9 years later, working for the federal government and people try and make a jab at my hair, I can just laugh and tell them how much fun having colorful hair is. And that they should give it a try too. 

[purplesurveys]

781

Another quarantine survey for y’alls.

How are you coping? I enjoyed the lockdown in its first few weeks because back then it really felt like a nice break from how hectic January and February were. By now it just feels like it has overstayed its welcome and my anxiety is back to growing by the day, except this time it’s worse because I can’t actually go anywhere or do anything to get rid of it temporarily. Tl;dr I’m doing less and less well. How have things changed for you? School, mostly. The situation in the Philippines isn’t conducive to online learning, so we’ve had to cancel schooling altogether because it was the most humane option to make sure no student gets left behind. Some schools opted to mass-promote (read: pass) all their students, while the schools that selfishly chose to continue holding online classes face online backlash everyday. 

On that note, my graduation ceremony is indefinitely postponed and Andrew and I have had to give up a lot of the usual procedures for thesis, like doing fieldwork or having a required number of respondents for our questionnaire. What are three positives to being Isolated or in Quarantine? I get to stay with Kimi all day, my dad cooks amazing food for us daily, and I have so much free time on my hands which I use to watch videos or movies. What are three negatives? I haven’t seen my friends in months, being ordered to stay at home still feels different than voluntarily staying at home, and I have so much free time on my hands which leaves me to overthink and be paranoid.

Have you taken on a new hobby? Not really. I wanted to get into cooking/baking, but my dad always wants to be in control of his kitchen so I’ve barely had any chance to help out. Have you kicked any bad habits? Drinking coffee everyday. I stopped when I noticed I was getting a headache every night, which was my original schedule for making a cup. Have you watched a lot more television or movies? I’ve watched more YouTube but I generally find it hard to start on new shows or movies so no, not really. I’ve always preferred rewatching my favorites. I did revisit Descendants of the Sun starting the other night though; I hadn’t gone back to it since December but I’m glad I did now because it’s such a good show(!!!!!) Have you been separated from someone you love? Tons of people that I love, from orgmates to close friends to best friends to my girlfriend. Discovered any new bands? Nah, I’ve stuck to my faves. With Hayley hyping up her first album for the last five months and finally releasing it a week ago, my eyes and ears were only on her lol Have you shopped more online? Nope, no money these days ha. Have you cooked more? I’ve tried helping my dad more like I mentioned but ugh, he’s so possessive in the kitchen. Have you baked more? Same thing. Have you learned to knit or sew? Nope. Did you end up in Isolation or Quarantine? Just quarantine. I never showed any symptoms and neither did my family, so we’ve all bee in quarantine from the very beginning. Did the stores all close? Save for groceries, they were all closed in the first few days/weeks. But through April, more and more businesses (mostly restaurants) started to come back and offer delivery or pickup services. 

In the Philippines where the government has been hugely incompetent, they lifted the lockdown for nearly the entire country yesterday despite the number of cases not showing any signs of slowing down and DESPITE NO MASS TESTING BEING PUT IN PLACE SINCE MARCH. That means this whole quarantine has been fucking useless. And now that people have been crowding highways and malls again, a second wave is just waiting around the corner.

What kind of restrictions did your government put into place? It’s different per province but in my case, we had a ban on liquors, mass gatherings, and non-essential travel; an 8 PM-5 AM curfew; and checkpoints everywhere. For a brief time, homeowners in our village couldn’t even jog outside but I think they’ve loosened up on that rule now. Has this affected any travel, events or plans for you? Hasn’t it, for all of us? An year-end college party that my orgmates and I usually go to was obviously cancelled; I still don’t know what’s happening to our graduation; and plans to volunteer for an animal welfare NGO have been cut off. I was also supposed to go to Thailand and Vietnam this year, but I’ve had to forget about those plans. What is the first thing you will do when you get the chance? Drive up to Gabie, for sure. With all the crazy in the world, we forget how much we take for granted. Is there anything you feel you had taken for granted? Time with my loved ones. I’ve definitely thought about the times I declined on Angela’s offers to go out, or flaked on my blockmates, or opted to skip out on dinner with my orgmates so I could go home. Let's finish off with some nicer things! What is your favourite thing about life? I dunno if I’ve found a favorite thing about it yet. I find it pretty unfair for the most part. What is your favourite thing about nature? How peaceful it can be. Nature has always served me well when I’m in distress, and I will never forget the time I was in Sagada, and I had just gotten out of a breakup and was still reeling over my lolo’s death, and when I reached the top of a hill, I allowed myself to cry while in front of this view.

Favourite place in the world? Sagada, Baguio, and Palawan. Favourite animal? Dogs, if you don’t know me well enough already. Favourite Colour? I personally like pastel pink, and ~aesthetically~ I like black or white. Favourite Foods? My favorite food ever is burgers, but I also like sushi, chicken wings, and steak. Favourite Holiday destination? We don’t have an established destination. My family likes going to new places every time we have the chance to travel. Have you been on a cruise ship? Yes. Have you flown to a travel destination? Sure, several. Have you ever been on a bus or train to a holiday destination? I don’t remember anymore but we probably were. Ever been on a helicopter? I have not. Ever been in a submarine? Smaller chance of that happening cause there’s little opportunity for it, but it sounds like an awesome experience. Thoughts on Theme Parks? I will go there for the theme park food, but I’m fine with not going on any rides. Thoughts on Carnivals? Like a fair? They’re great fun, and I prefer them more than theme parks because they’re more lowkey. I also just go for the food hahahaha I don’t go on rides. Thoughts on Island Life? I’m technically living one because I live in a giant group of islands... but I wouldn’t want to live my whole life in just an island per se. I like being in the city, and I like living in a noisy environment where everyone and everything is busy. Ever taken a ferry to a destination? Eh, not really. We’ve taken smaller boats to get to certain island provinces, but not a ferry. What is the best thing about travelling? Learning new things, seeing new sights, meeting new people, getting to know new cultures.

Who would you like to travel with next time you go on a trip? I’d love to travel with Gabie. I’ve never done it with her before. Randoms.. Favourite television series on Stan? I’ve never heard of that. Favourite television series on Netflix? I don’t watch any shows produced by Netflix. My current favorite show to watch there is Descendants of the Sun, but my other favorites are there too, like Friends, Breaking Bad, and Brooklyn Nine-Nine. What movie are you keen to see? Right now, none of the upcoming ones, or at least the upcoming ones that were meant to be released by the summer. None of them seem appealing to me. Do you study or work or both? I study, but I’m so fucking close to the finish line. If you could have any career, what would it be? I’d love to be in PR. I’d still be in media which is my strong suit, but none of the journalism bullshit I’ve grown sick of in the last four years. Do you play Animal Crossing on Nintendo Switch? No, I’ve never really been a fan of the series so I’ve never felt the need to get the game. I’m happy with Mario Kart 8 haha. What gaming console do you like best? Either the Wii or PS2 as I had a lot of memories with them. Speaking of gaming, name your top 5 games? Pass. Have you ever been to a convention like Comic Con? Nope. Life gets tough, how do you cope? I take a nap, I go to a café somewhere for a few hours to be alone, I take a survey, or I drown myself in work to keep me preoccupied. Do you like housework? If I’m not forced to do it. Are you afraid of the dark? If the dark was meant to be scary, like if I was in a haunted house or if I’m in the woods in the middle of nowhere at midnight. Otherwise it doesn’t bother me. Do you have pets? Yeah, I have the best dog.

[ghostregalia]

Hello old friend.....

They say when you’re going through turbulence in your life it helps to journal your feelings from day to day. Meditation also helps......I guess i should’ve stayed up on that task otherwise I’d find myself getting over this a little easier. I must learn to forgive myself for these things and never relent. It’s funny. I usually find myself to be the more emotionally mature and reasonable and yet I feel myself begin to grow transparent to no fault of my own. Feelings I thought I’d made a conscious decision to avoid rear’s it’s head. I had paranoia’s about this sort of thing happening but they were always assuaged by the person in question. I’ve done so much growing only to find out the very foundation of such are now in question. 

Perhaps there isn’t an unconditional component to love. I find myself asking more and more questions becoming increasingly more confused and dissatisfied regardless of the answers. Perhaps I myself don’t know what I’d look for either in this instance.   Perhaps I’m the selfish one. I mean it wouldn’t conclusion to come to if you’re one staring in from the outside. The integrity of even the most intimate i have newfound doubts in. Quite the precarious situation that my only perhaps futile means is the idea of isolating myself entirely from everything.  Only because i don’t know what’s true and what’ not anymore. I have no concept of how to actually function as a good human being. It seems either you lulled into a mutual gain co-dependence or you take advantage of such a thing for gain....in whatever way that may be.  Often times when people are confronted with dissonance they attribute it to not having “themselves” figured out. I find this very puzzling because people are changing all lthe time and I try to have a grounded idea of who i am and what i want to be all the time..........all because i don’t want to be disingenuous with myself. Dishonest with myself. Hurtful to myself. I would especially not want this to a reason why i did this to others........yet these things always seem to happen to me. romantic or otherwise. I listen. I try to be attentive. I try to be reasonable.....and yet there’s always this thing that happens. A disconnect in communication, or misrepresentation of feelings.....i don’t know what it is but i’ve near had my fill of having my emotional capacity put under a stress test. I try so hard to be a good person, a good friend, a good lover but it seems it’s never enough. Maybe i should just chase money for the rest of my life like all the other sycophants in my society. Love feels good but until it is clear in ones mind and the one engaging in it is fully self aware of what comes with it I think I’ll pass for a while. I’m tired of being hurt for no reason other than a person ignorance of what drives them to wake up everyday. If you read this to the end then I probably trust you more than some of my friends with my feelings. I’d rather just shout them out into a void and reflect on them later. I guess it’s better than bottling them in right. Something i use to look to her for......eh it’s whatever.

[wishingfornever]

1/31/2018 – No Contact:  Petty Bourgeois Emotion

If there is a God then he would truly be a tyrant.

Sorry… Starting off a bit strong.  The point is, I realized why I haven’t been able to tend to my journal as of late.  I got a TON of hours lately.  So much so that I can’t really handle the journal.  I get home late at night, consider writing in my journal, but I forget. Then I have to fall asleep.  I hear my cousin in the other room…  I don’t want to wake her.  So, nothing gets done.

A lot of work means little time for play.  My days off consist of me doing nothing for an hour and then realizing that hour lasted the entire day.  D’oh.

Work went well today… was thinking of some of the things I wanted to tell you but haven’t due to… well, the workload.  It’ll lighten up in a bit.  I work today (current time being 12:45 in the morning, which means I would have been the 30th of January instead of 31st had I hustled, but whatever).  I worked yesterday, of course, and it went… well.  The day before, not so much.  The 29th…  Really bad.  I don’t think Diana likes me.

I’ve been punished for my lust.  :/

I thought my manager I have been closing with did too.  No, she’s just usually annoyed.  She speaks so softly and I can’t hear that well because everything was loud with my dad.  I really realized I’m not fond of my dad, lately.  :/

Regardless, work went well today.  It’s a tuesday, so better than monday. January is the Monday of Months, of course.

My manager was late for her bus on the 29th.  Yesterday (or today, whatevs) we got out at a regular time.  It’s great.  I hope she caught her bus but idk.  I had a lot of time to think, mind you. Think of… what?  My life?

I’m feeling more centered. Found… several songs.  One is an animation…  Beautiful, I think. Just… it appeals to me.  I have it on repeat, basically.  It’s… given me a bit of hope.  I listen to the lyrics and… well, I relate.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRpiBvwKX6c

The song is called “The Villain I Appear to be” which is apt.  Listen to it… maybe you’d disagree.  After reading what you’ve read. Knowing what you know.  Maybe you’ll know better.  Maybe I’m not familiar with the villain I really am.  Hard to tell.

There are several other songs.  Expanded my favorites.  It’s… helped. Music is a salve for the soul.  These songs, I’ve stumbled upon in one way or another… they’ve been a light when I’ve been totally isolated in solemn darkness.

There is this song… makes me think of Esther.  I think I’ll keep it to myself.  It’s a good song, but I’ve already shared one in this post.  Won’t share another.

Man… Was thinking about Dennis earlier today.  Months ago, I was coming up with a plan.  I was going to call Esther a whore or something?  I wouldn’t have meant it but if Dennis exploded at Shane, he’d DEFINITELY exploded at me.  So, I would have picked a fight.  Would have been easy.

Again, months ago.  I was more angry then.  After he blocked me when I thought we could reconcile.  Bullshit.  That’s still bullshit.

Whatever. Point is, after doing some weight training… I’m not sure I could take him.  Not confident in my strength anymore.  This is why I think God is a tyrant.  This was the one thing I had faith in and now… it’s gone.  I had nightmares where I’d just decay and my muscles would weaken.  Maybe that was my body trying to tell me that my horrors became the facts.

I’m not pleased.

Needless to say, I’m not trying to get in a fist fight with Dennis.  Not anymore, at least.  I need more exercise first, and even then… I don’t think I have the heart for it.  Then again, the ORIGINAL plan was to have him hit me but I know he wouldn’t do that.  We’d have to agree on the fight to make it legal.  It’s on private property, so it should be fine.

I thought about it long and hard.  Again, not the plan anymore.  I guess the plan is to keep bitching about them until I get tired of it.  Yay?

Been watching a lot of streamers lately. Probably a bad thing.  It’s been making me late.  I’ve considered streaming myself.  Gives me someone to talk to.  I am starting to feel the lack of friends.  I’ve selected this solitude for myself. How generous I’ve become.  D’oh…

Oh, my NationState.  MN Has been INACTIVE.  Yes, for reasons.  Mostly that I’m busy and the responsibilities stress me the FUCK out. Like, really.  Life sucks.  -,-

Among my musical discoveries, I also discovered the most attractive woman I’ve ever seen.  A PornStar.  At least, she was the most initially attractive woman.  Her name I Mia Magma, born several years before me.  A German woman and it took me forever to discover this.  I saw her doing a very passionate blowjob and I couldn’t even fap.  She just had the face of an angel.

Later, I discovered her teeth were somewhat peculiar and she doesn’t have much of an ass, unfortunately.  Ah, well.

Still, she’s a beautiful woman.  I made a PornHub account just to say she’s beautiful.  Used my public screen name as my private screen name was… taken.  I avoid numbers.  Bad luck.  So, I said fuck it. I don’t have anything to hide from anyone.  Why should I care?  Oh, what if someone finds me?  Finds where I live and kills me?  Bah!  I don’t care.  Doubt they would.

That said, I realized I might not have mentioned this.  I was watching A LOT of porn and I was concerned that I miiiiiight have had viruses. Could have explained the blue screening too.  So, I found an antivirus.  Got a years subscription.  Would get too but I’ve been talking to one of my cousins about getting a new one.  Seems since the bitcoin bubble, prices for computers went up.  I think I mentioned this, actually…

Regardless, I’d have to get a new antivirus if I get a new computer and I think this one would at least last the year.  I found USB drives at work. Cheap and should be big enough for this file.  I’ll move the important files over to it and work directly from there.  Hopefully, if my computer dies before I’m through, I’ll be prepared and I won’t have to salvage everything or start over.

I woke up this morning screaming.  No, didn’t dream about Esther. Leg cramped.  Right calf.  I could feel the muscle in a place it wasn’t supposed to be.  Not a good sign.  Thought today was going to be bad.  It may have been… a little bit.  Again, for the most part it was good.  Tiresome though…

I’ve been trying to get back into gaming but… eh.  It’s sort of why I wanted to start streaming.  So I could have a REASON to get back into gaming.  It’s not a good way, but it’s something.  In fact, I should probably embrace not gaming.  It might help.  Idk.

You know, I don’t ever get to share what I want to share.  I know I’ll forget something but…  Eh.  I’m going to watch a French-Iranian movie called “Persepolis.”  I just downloaded a picture quoting the movie so I figured I’d enjoy the source material.  After, might play a game of… something and go to bed.  Idk.  Tomorrow, I don’t work.  :D

Persepolis… was a really good movie.  Though, I think it hinted that she (Marjane Satrapi) was raped at one point?  Two men and she was sleeping in an alleyway.  I hope she wasn’t.  :/

I liked how in the movie, she wasn’t afraid to portray herself as the villain.  She acknowledged what she was doing was wrong.  As a child wanting to gouge out the eyes of another child and other instances into adulthood.  Heavy stuff.  Of course, some cases… she did what she had to.  Still, she regretted what she had done afterwards but she acknowledged that they were wrong.  She didn’t hide her own injustices.

As a Communist, that’s good.  In a debate, Stalin and Mao are inevitably brought up.  Can’t deny they happened, can only educate as to WHY it happened.  If the fools you’re debating refuse to learn then they aren’t looking for a debate but a confrontation. You won’t sway minds because they’re not offering their minds to be swayed.  They have nothing on their mind beyond, “You’re the enemy” despite not knowing why.

There is a lot of history.  Concerning imperialism over Iran, the war with Iraq, the religious dictatorship.  Marx said religion was the opiate of the masses.  I wonder if Satrapi is a practicing Muslim.  Wouldn’t be surprised… she thought she’d be a prophet when she got older. Have sections where she spoke to god directly.  Then there was Karl Marx, which was interesting.  Apparently, after doing a bit of research, she compared Marx to God?  Yeah, that sounds like something ripe with controversy.

Still, as I said, I wasn’t expecting much communism in the movie.  I mean, the picture I downloaded… it says “Love is a petty bourgeois emotion” with Marjane looking at a dog.  I thought the movie was going to be about something else, I didn’t realize the heavy political undertone.  I like how everyone but Marjane and her mother have American accents.  They both have Iranian accents.  Of course, the religious guard have actually… kind of soft and gentle American accents.  If it wasn’t for the fact that they were the bad guys, they’d be… adorable.

They all look the same and when they’re not harassing people, they seem quite earnest.  Weird to say.  Like, they confront Marjane because she’s running and that makes her butt jiggle.  She explodes at them (love a strong woman) and they’re confused and almost sad.  Again, these guys are all interchangeable with one another.  Not sure if that’s intentional or not.

I hope… my books sell well enough to the point that I can contact Marjane.  Ask her questions, trade ideas…  She is the Frida of my generation.  An incredible and deep artist with Communist tendencies? Yes, please.  And I think her and her family are terribly clever.  I respect that.

I feel like I’ve been getting more dumb lately.  Spelling errors, punctuation errors, etc.  I’m slipping.

I also want to talk to her now.  I need… guidance.  Someone who can understand me.  She had depression and I certainly do.  We have different backgrounds but I get her.  Of course, she parties a bit more than I do.  She’s not a social outcast, now that I think about it… but she is a wide eyed dreamer.  Typical communist, I know.  ;)

I’m not like Marjane.  Maybe she won’t understand me, now that I think about it.  But we are likeminded… perhaps a better word but eh. Could just be wishful thinking.

Eh… I found a page on facebook… as well as facebook profiles.  There are tons.  Think adding her is too personal.  I liked the public page.  I want to send her a message but… what would I say?

Hi, I’m a young 20 something with NOTHING happening in my life and I feel like a chronic failure.  Our only similarities is that we’re both communists and struggle or used to struggle with depression! Please respond!

I… don’t like messaging famous people. I feel like I’m just… trying to get attention.  I don’t like being noticed by the streamer while watching twitch for similar reasons.  I feel a lot of guilt for something totally irrelevant.

So… I ended up venting in a stream.  Mentioned that I want to message Marjane.  Someone told me that if I were to ask for guidance ask if she has time to chat.  I just discovered her.  That’s… rushing things, I guess?  I don’t know.  Maybe I should research her more? I don’t know.  I don’t know anything.  :/

Ugh… I’m caught at a bad time.  Very bad time.  But that’s life, eh? I’m going to go to bed.  Maybe… maybe I’ll message Marjane tomorrow.  Talk to her… share my story…  Or something, I don’t know.  All that I know is that I know nothing.

Time is 11:50.

I was offered a job at work today.  Discount Tire.  Overtime is 20 per hour.  Not sure what it means for regular pay but it’ll be better than Dollar General.  I’m excited.

I’ve been feeling very… inspired, I guess.  Not necessarily inspired positively or negatively just more susceptible to emotions.  When I found out I’ve been noticed, I was just agape with joy.  I was hoping earlier that it’d happen to me because I was thinking the universe was turning against me.  That maybe I wouldn’t get the chance to see Ariel.  My frivolous spending spree has set me back by a lot… I won’t get a card until next week.  I’ll call the number and get set up.

I’m excited.  More money means Ariel comes sooner… but I also said I wanted to leave.  I’d leave later because this would be a more serious job.  Maybe I could get it when I come back?  If I come back? I don’t know.  I’ll see how I feel.