#and when its gross and snowy a lot of the time. i wanna be able to go out. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

caluski · 6 months

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ive made myself hot chocolate wine. hot wine chocolate maybe. its mostly hot chocolate and some wine... i only added a little because i havent made hot wine in a long time now, i was worried id evaporate the alcohol and make it gross. but it turned out fine and its good, maybe next time ill make some with spices. maybe replace oat milk with some other one... i think cashew might be good, maybe if i spot it on sale somewhere. with cinnamon maybe, with slices of orange? orange matches both chocolate and wine, why wouldn't it work with both at the same time. i wish i could spend an hour or so in the kitchen, making different infusions that i could try with someone else. its always so much more fun to try new things with another person.

i dont really mind drinking alone, since i already usually do it while watching something or writing. but i do really really miss drinking coffee or tea with other people. i miss talking to people so very very much. i talk so much.. if one somehow hasnt figured it out yet from the absolute fucking abundance of long posts on my blog, but i really do love talking. my big problem is that i talk so much, that my hot drinks cool down before i get to take a sip or two. im really horrible at keeping that balance between being caught up with the conversation and drinking. although i never really have much to say, i keep repeating the stories ive already told a million times before, and i say silly stuff, and i complain about a lot of things, and i get sidetracked constantly. not really in like, adorable or quirky way, i can imagine it must be annoying for the other people in the conversation, especially when i get too excited and interrupt people and dont listen very well. i think its one of those things i wanna improve about myself.

yesterday, as i was walking home through the centre of the city, i was horribly in need of coffee, it was so cold and i was in a good mood, and i only had weak green tea that morning, and since it was still pretty early in the day, the cafes had some free spots. but i walked in, looked around, and walked out. its like everything reminds me of loneliness these days, and when i got inside, tables were all taken by couples or groups. i dont think it was a sign of anything, but it made me so awfully bitter. i know loneliness doesnt make me special, i know literally everyone experiences it to some degree, but god, it really hurts to look around and see that despite everything, people always have someone out there. a best friend, a significant other, family member, whatever.

theres that stupid thing everyone always repeats, "theres always someone out there who loves you, even if you dont know about it". i used to hold onto that desperately, but its so dumb. unrealistic and dumb. it makes you hope that maybe right now youre alone, but once you'll be at your rock bottom, SOMEONE will magically show up and say, i care for you, and i will be by your side to support you, or whatever. but then you hit the rock bottom and theres nothing, or better yet, someone you had hoped would stay with you suddenly says "i have anxiety and seasonal affective disorder, i cant be around you or ill get worse, too", and you dont want them to get worse because of you, of course you dont. theyre being reasonable, and you know that, and you cant do anything about it. even if you do guilt-trip them into staying, would that even really help, if they resented you for it secretly for the rest of their life.

a week ago or so ive walked into a cafe, as well, but i got so overwhelmed that i had to pretend to look around which tables are free, and left right away. just brought in mud and puddles, probably, since it was such a snowy day. i worry that one day ill be better, but i wont be able to step foot inside a cafe anymore, because it will remind me of nothing but the days when it was just me and self-loathing. not that i can really afford cafes anymore, but i cant think about that now. or worse, that ill never get better, and ill never get to experience it again, the presence of another person by my side, having coffee or tea or desserts, and talking and laughing and maybe even flirting. that thought makes me nauseous, but i know its likely. it kind of sounds like not much to wish for, but it feels almost too perfect to ever be possible - not only to have money for that in the first place, but also a person who cares for you enough to want to be around you, to want to talk to you or listen to you, a person who wont tell you "we can go out, but i have only an hour" and then leave after 20 minutes because it turns out in that hour was included their ride back home.

i keep thinking, one day ill find someone, one day i wont be lonely anymore and then ill let it all out of my system. but i know its silly, because by the time ill find someone, ill forget how to really be a person, how to have a conversation. i talk to myself a lot, in my head, but its not enough, it doesnt really feel like anything. i write a diary, i write short stories, i write posts on this stupid blog, but nothing feels like talking to another person, and its awful. my memory is far worse, i stutter more and more with each passing year, im being more and more awkward in such an uncomfortable and humiliating way, that it only makes my brain scream at me to shut up forever. i know why my family doesnt want to talk to me, im more unpleasant than ive ever been. i know its unfair to be blaming them for not wanting me around; they stopped asking about anything, recently, because i cant stop crying whenever they start the topic of job search. i cry too much these days. i had to stop showing up to my favorite grocery store, because theyve seen me too many times all wet-eyed. and i cant help it anymore! i know im still human, i know im not a victim, i know my suffering isnt greater than anyone else's. but something has changed and i cant imagine getting better, anymore. or at least going back to who i used to be. theres no hope anymore! and if theres no hope for me anymore, what do i do? "just surviving" isnt neutral, its horrible, its painful, its a nightmare. i dont want my life to look like this. i dont know what to do anymore. and ive said it a thousand times, i know, but its the only thing i have floating around in my useless empty head. i miss hope. i miss believing that i could still be happy, one day. and i know that was stupid, too, i can see it now, but at least it was something to hold onto.

i miss being around people. i miss it so much. i miss talking to people so horribly. i miss laughing and i miss being held. i dont need all this cortisol. i dont want to forget what it feels like to not be alone. but the more i want it, the more out of reach everything feels, the more unrealistic even the simplest things seem. i might as well be dreaming of living in alternate universe fanfiction.

#i dont really say anything new or interesting here sorry. its not worth the read i just had to pour out my thoughts somewhere #pogaduchy

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iheardarumorxxx · 4 years

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Midnight Sun, Chapter 2 - Open Book

Not even a full paragraph in and I have to call Weirdo on something. In the Twilight canon, it is often mentioned that vampires are always always always cold. Like, big old blocks of perfectly sculpted ice. But here, Eddie boy says that his skin had cooled to match the air around him. Can’t work that way. Either Pires are heat sinks that are always freezing, or their temperature can change based on the temperature around them. Can’t be both.

Also gonna bring up the chapter titles real quick. Maybe SM will try to hamfist it, but in Twilight the chapter titles were (supposedly) related to the chapter. First Sight was Bella (supposedly) falling in love at first sight w Edward, and Open Book was Bella going on about how she was an open book and couldn’t hide anything and wore her emotions on her face etc etc. It doesn’t make sense to me to keep the same chapter titles when we’re obstensively living in the head of a different character.

Would have been, if I'd been able to really see it.

What SM was going for here was ‘Edward was so lost in his own head that he couldn’t even see the sky above him even though it was beautiful’ but this doesn’t work. Wanna know why? It’s because of this: The sky above me was clear, brilliant with stars, glowing blue in some places, yellow in others. The stars created majestic, swirling shapes against the black universe - an awesome sight

Weirdo described the sky with perfect, flowery detail, expressed outright the colors that were swirling above him and the way the stars swirled and made shapes. He wouldn’t have been able to do that if he was too focused on his own thoughts to pay attention to it. This is what I mean when I say that SM hasn’t really mastered the First Person POV. This would have absolutely worked if instead of ‘I’ it had said ‘he’.

As a note: Weirdo calling Bella ‘unremarkable’ in terms of how she looks just comes off as those shitty ‘you aren’t even that hot’ responses from people when they get rejected.

And Weirdo describing the way Tanya leaps at him reads really flat and boring. The play by play method to show how Graceful and Ethereal the Pires are is gross and the flat emotionless tone makes it read like a laundry list of actions.

Chagrin sighting number two. And I’ve gotta say, this little thing with Weirdo and Tanya reads a little more realistically than any interaction between our main couple throughout the entire Twilight Saga. Sure, Widdle Eddie isn’t into her, but they’re openly and honestly communicating about it, which is more than Bella and Weirdo ever did.

Mostly Tanya preferred human men

This sentence right here completely invalidates Weirdo’s entire argument about how he would murder Bella with his Schlong if he ever gave into his desire for her, as there is clearly a way to hook up with a pathetic, weak human without killing them.

Two chagrins in one chapter, I am blessed.

though her feelings were not deep, hardly pure, and, in any case, not something I could return.

This goes back to that thing I was bitching about in chapter one about Weirdo and only reading surface level thoughts. He isn’t an empath, he can’t descern from her surface thoughts how deep her feelings might be. Based on how his power comes across, it’s likely that he can’t actually interpret any kind of tone at all, and is guessing at the emotion behind the thought. Just because Tanya makes a passing thought about Eddie that may be ‘unpure’ (gag) doesn’t mean that her feelings for him are strictly lusty and naughty.

By the way, it’s only chapter two and I’m already sick of hearing about Bella’s ‘chocolate brown eyes’.

That time jump that they did from Snowy Alaska back to Fork High cafeteria was jarring. We have literally travelled through space time to get back to The Plot(tm) as quickly as possible. Maybe, just maybe, it would have been beneficial to see some of Weirdo’s drive back, get some more introspection, more of an idea of how he plans to handle himself re: The Bella Thing, even if it is in his whiny, affected urple prose.

Humans were constantly desperate to feel normal, to fit in. To blend in with everyone else around them, like a featureless flock of sheep.

Unlike our great, wonderful, perfect Pires, of course. They would never dare to try fitting in with the Sheep that they have decided to live among and try to blend in with. This goes to prove my point that SM’s Pires don’t give a flying shit about blending in with humans, even though it is supposedly Vampire Mafia Law that they don’t get exposed.

"Maybe you're not as scary as you think you are,"

Despite the fact that SM tries so hard to make him come off as the stereotype of ‘dumb jock’, Emmett deserves a better series than this one. Not being afraid to roast Weirdo is absolutely fucking A+ in my book.

We are, yet again, applying Pire logic and physics to not Pire things to show how Strong and Powerful and Amazing our Pires are. I must once again posit that these things are not Pires, and therefore, would not behave in this manner, even when a Pire is interacting with it.

I am once again unconvinced by this Let’s Shit On Jessica Stanley thing I’m having to schlock through. Sure, she’s a lil petty, but she doesn’t come across as overt mean girl bully and she never has. SM never made her feel like anything more than a (in fairness, extremely stereotypical) teenage girl trying to be nice to the new girl in school and being put off by her weird behavior.

Small point to make here, just because I realized how bored I was with the debate over whether Weirdo would go to class and murder Bella or not. Because this is a companion piece to an already published novel, we know what’s gonna happen. Now, a good author wouldn’t let that stop them from making the tension feel real. Even though I know the outcome, I would still be focused on the journey to get there. But I’m not, because it reads as dry and dull. The tension isn’t there and I’m not enjoying the journey to get to the ending I already know. The characters aren’t even likeable enough to keep me entertained. This is why companion pieces and POV shift retellings are so hard to do.

it was hard to believe that anyone so vulnerable could ever justify hatred.

I feel like this is supposed to be the first lil glimmer that Weirdo is In LUV with Bella or whatever in this POV, but the thing is, his patronizing tone and the way he is seemingly always going on about how weak and pathetic Bella is just kinda makes it feel like he’s acting like her Dad.

Though they didn't want to stand out from the herd, at the same time they craved a spotlight for their individual uniformity.

I only have one thing to say about this. Fuck You Edward Cullen.

I feel like Weirdo is starting to craft this idea of Bella in his head, much like he does with everyone else, but because he doesn’t have the crutch of using his surface thought mind reading powers, he has to guess at her thoughts (much like typical normal human people do because we’re weak and pathetic unlike the Pires), and he’s basically assigning her the thoughts he thinks she should be having. He’s crafting Bella into the perfect ideal for himself without taking her atonomy into consideration.

"Ladies first, partner?"

This is a continuity error. In Twilight, he did not say ‘Partner’, just ‘Ladies first’. It’s nitpickey, and I’m aware that it’s nitpickey, but it’s jarring if you know Twilight well enough to know the dialogue. If we’re going to see the same scene from a different POV, the only thing changing should be the inner monologue, not the dialogue between characters.

I could feel myself warming slightly to the higher temperature.

Bzzzzt, no. I already talked about this earlier, but everything established in canon shows that Eddie doesn’t ever warm up. He and Bella cuddle under a blanket and he is still described as rock hard marble adonis ice. He can’t warm up, according to established canon.

And in this chapter, we finally start the Shitting On Mike Newton run. Mike is the fucking worst in this book and is treated like shit, all because -- can you guess??? -- all because he thought the new girl was pretty and had a little crush on her. Mike gets shit on SO FUCKING MUCH in this series just for daring to think Bella is pretty.

Ignorance was bliss to the human mind.

OR EDDIE YOU’RE JUST ARROGANT AND RUDE AND NOT AS INTERESTING AS YOU THINK YOU ARE. The Cullens fucking PRANCE around this school in their designer beige turtlenecks with their flashy fucking cars and look down their noses at the pleb humans who could never be as good as they are, and especially with the way SM wants to paint Forks as this fucking insular hick town where everyone knows everyone and are probably socioeconomically lower than American average, its RUDE AND GROSS and makes them look like stuck up fucking JERKS. But sure. Keep touting on about how humans are scared of you.

And yet again, we get an example of Eddie boy ignoring the fact that Bella (for all of her faults) is a HUMAN PERSON and not some game for him to play. ‘Wahhh, I can’t read her thoughts, that makes me angy and frustrated’ and whining about how he wants her to GO AWAY because her blood makes his froat hurt but how he wants her to stay because she’s so MYSTERIOUS AND DEEP.

This didn't fit with the scenario I'd been constructing in my head.

And this is exactly the point I was making up there. Edward is making wild assumptions about Bella based solely on his experience with the human condition from his immortality, but he is also crafting her into what HE thinks is the right way for her to be in his mind without taking into consideration that she is a complex human with feelings and emotions. But instead of actually correcting himself, he continues to do this, and we know he does because he continues to posit that she’s deep and wise even though we know different from being in her POV for three and a half books.

A lot more of this dialogue is changed from the conversation in the original Twilight than I thought. It should be easy to keep at least the dialogue consistent.

I clearly was not as perceptive as I gave myself credit for.

This is the most true thing that Eddie is going to think in this entire book, and it isn’t even genuine and that upsets me so much.

my mother always calls me her open book.

I would like to use my solid four years of Twilight knowledge to point out that Bella Swan is not an open book, she’s a lying liar who lies about things, even though she says all the time that she doesn’t like lying. She was always going on about how she fakes her emotions for the benefits of others, she is not an open book at all.

The reason she was upset was because she thought I saw through her too easily.

And, of course, Weirdo eats this shit right the fuck up.

"I find you very difficult to read." "You must be a good reader then,"

This exchange didn’t make sense in Twilight, and it still doesn’t make sense here. Unless Bella is being sarcastic based on her previous statement, the exchange just... isn’t good. And it’s pretty clear that Bella isn’t being sarcastic. So. Explain it, someone, pls.

Emmett still deserves a better book than this one. He is literally out here like ‘Everyone makes mistakes, Eddie boy.’ But we are still talking about murder here, so...

And that’s chapter two. I didn’t mean to do it all in one long post, but I couldn’t really see a good break in it to cut it in half. The human bashing is already getting worse and it’s making me annoyed. As you can probably tell from the Cap Locks. We get the first glimpse of Eddie being ‘protective’ that we know is gonna get creepy and paternal as the story goes along. And I know that SM was going for an old timey thing with Eddie, but Bella’s inner monologue was really dry and boring, and Weirdo is even worse in that area. Yet again, we see the First Person POV slipping. Little things that just don’t work in Eddie’s head.

Join me tomorrow for more, and thanks for reading along.

#sierra recaps stuff #ms liveblog #midnight sun #midnight sun spoilers #long post #ms chapter 2

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hyucksbf · 7 years

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hey im finally doing a tag game again

mso i was tagged by sooo many people to do a Lot of different tag games a rlly long time ago but then a lot of shit happened nd i honestly forgot who tagged me in what and what i still had to do so im rlly sorry if u were waiting for me to do one u tagged me in :( but im gonna try 2 keep up with them now !! so i’m gonna start w the tags that @saltatricis-alas tagged me in (ily cee ♡♡♡)

a-z tag !!!

age: im sixteen now ew

birthplace: united states of Shit

current time: 5:44 pm

drink you last had: milkkk

easiest person to talk to: hm... thats kinda hard to answer honestly ? it depends on the subject at hand,, like most of my friends i’m okay with but with everyone theres always a touchy subject i won’t be able to talk to them about with so

favorite song: right now ?? better better from day6′s new album,, but of all time ?? i have no idea lmao

grossest memory: idk ive always been hard to gross out so i dont rlly have a grossest memory rip

hogwarts house: hufflepuff !!!

in love: no not really

jealous of people? :(

killed someone: uhhhhhhhh no ???

love at first sight or should i walk by again: u cant love someone like that unless u know their personality so neither !!

middle name: i can finally answer this question aaaaaa its terrence !!!

number of siblings: two younger sisters,,

one wish: for everyone to be happy and content

person you last called: i think the last call i made was months ago when my friend was in the hospital so ??

questions you are always asked: “are u a boy or a girl :o” which is fine if the follow up questions wasnt “wait really ?? but u look like a girl lol” ::)

reasons to smile: my friends and the music we make together

song you sang last: sentimental by winner !

time you woke up: 6:30 ish ??

underwear color: blue ??

vacation destination: new york city i rlly wanna spend a week in nyc these days

worst habit: well i bite my nails but when all of them are too short to bite anymore i start biting the skin around it instead :// my fingers are often bloody these days its bad

xrays: i only had a couple done when i broke my arm in second grade lmao (also yea my sister confessed to being the one who pushed me off the damn waterslide ten years later gee thanks :^))

your favorite food? ive been fkn CRAVING salad these days ?? its so weird ??

(theres no z so im gonna make one lmao) zodiac: leo sun and libra moon ::)

another tag game !!

(also tagged by my mom @saltatricis-alas ily

name: hunter !!

birthday: july 25

zodiac: i’m a leo sun, libra moon, nd thats abt all i know jshjfh

height: last doctors appt they told me i was 65 inches (5′ 4 or around 165 cm) so guess who is finally growing !!!! this short ass bitch !!!!

sexual orientation: sexually im ace but still figuring out romantically

favorite color: soft pink nd tiger orange !

fave book: the outsiders,,

fave artists/bands: day6 is The fave, so is nct, but after that i literally dabble in everything ? so

last movie i watched: wonder woman :’)

hogwarts house: hufflepufffff

random fact: uhhhh lets be boring and say ive been studying clarinet for seven years now heck yea

when did you create your blog? i created my kpop blog in like july last year then remade it in march of this year to what it is now (an nct blog bc i had found my true loves)

do you have any other blogs? @klarinetto which is my music/band blog, @kangkei which is my day6 blog, nd then @in-ten-tion which is my kinda random blog lmao

what made you want to get a tumblr? okay listen i never wanted a tumblr one of my old friends made me get one in middle school nd then she made an account on some other social media site that i dont remember as an agreement, now look at me years later still on this hellsite

do you get asks on a daily basis: no :(

why did you chose your url? bc i love one (1) boy and his name is lee donghyuck aka haechan the love of my life

and now for those to suffer!! (also im gonna tag some new mutuals uh if u dont wanna u dont have too !!): @jisvngie @taeyongtown @hyukhyuck @makkeuga @hrjn @2monstax @snowy-lion @renjae @rosehyuck @haechnn @markcity @iwriteblogpostsnotsongs

#also u guys dont have to do both i just put both on the same post so i didnt have 2 tag yall twice #anyways sorry im annoying u can ignore this if u want jsjgf #im gonna go practice bc its that Time #then i have to do an english paper thats due tomorrow #i h8 my english teacher i h8 her !!#tag game

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egg-bread-cryptid · 6 years

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I rewatched The Force Awakens

For the first time since I saw it in theaters I know 😱😱

And I really loved it!!! I have rewatched movies and I didn’t like them but I loved this film just as much if not more. I still liked The Last Jedi despite its many and glaring flaws, watching The Force awakens only highlighted them and the tone and direction is so different from both movies they almost don’t seem connected but I still liked it, amazing I know, but I wanna talk about TFA.

Kylo Ren is actually terrifying in the beginning...like I got legit anxiety?!?? Idk if I was as scared of him the first time I saw this film.

All of Finns screentime in this movie was amazing I really want to know about his life he is so amazing being able to reach into that inherent good inside him despite a life of brainwashing and indoctrination.

FinnPoe5evah tbh even though I ship a good FinnReyPoe poly relationship. It’s god tier don’t fight me on this

I just really loved seeing Rey’s life on Jakku omg she’s such a little badass rescuing BB8 she can talk to him correct me if I’m wrong Luke didn’t know how to do that until the end of New Hope/Empire strikes back. I loved how she was just ready to destroy Finn when BB8 said he had his masters jacket. I’m love Rey!

Flying away from Jakku that whole scene owns me Finn using the MF guns.

FinnRey moments like he still trying to pick her up even tho they getting chased “boyfriend?”

Han Solo and Chewie back in action aboard the millennium falcon!!! Chewie’s shrug when they ask if Han is a war hero like sassy boi!!

Again Kylo’s anger outburst were less funny this time????

I wanna know more about Rey’s visions she had some future visions that was really cool how she saw her interactions with Kylo and it’s their meeting in the woods but it’s snowy foreshadowing their final confrontation.

I love Finn using the lightsaber I know he’s not Force sensitive but I want him to be a Jedi so bad.

POE’S ALIVE YEAH BOI

Rey is so grossed out and confused by Kylo it’s amazing how did Reylo become a thing.

Ngl tho I was able to appreciate Adam Driver’s acting in it more than I did the first time. It’s good it’s good.

Boi when she switched the Force mind trick on him he’s so shook what?!?!

Rey is awesome x100

Han and Leia reuniting I’m not crying you’re CRYING

I didn’t miss C3PO tho tbh sorry not sorry

FinnPoe reunited and it feels so good they are such boyfriends!!!!

BB8 Head butting R2D2 I love these driods I wanna see them takenoved the galaxy in the final film

Rey is awesome x200

Leia hugging Han before he leaves and listening to his heartbeat this is the last time she’ll hear it I said it aloud and made my mom cry I’m sorry mom!!!

“That’s not how The Force works”™️ best line

Finn being so intense and aggressive over Captain Phasma prob trying to control some ptsd my poor boi

I don’t actually remember the scene of FinnRey reunited??? Idk why who distracted me was I talking then?!?!?!?!?!?

My friend hugging my arm and me holding my moms hand during the Han/Kylo scene

THIS SCENE CONFUSES ME AND I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO ANALYZE IT MORE?!?!?!?

Chewies cry omg dispare rips your heart out or you have no soul

Leia Feeling Hans death through the force ;-;

GO XWING FIGHTERS GO POE YOU’RE DOING AMAZING SWEETIE

HOO BOI FINNREY BOTH READY TO TAKE KYLO DOWN!!!! FINN DOING HIS BEST PLEASE MAKE HIM A JEDI

Rey is awesome x100000000

HER BEATING UP KYLO WAS JUST AS SATISFYING AS THE FIRST TIME!!!

Kylo “you need a teacher” Ren reminding Rey she can use the force which leads to his downfall is awesome

SMACK HIM IN THE FACE AGAIN

How did everyone get off of the Starkiller base so fast?!?!? How did Kylo survive this it’s just...so convenient...

Idk why Finn was passed out for so long tho...

I think Leia hugged Rey because she felt her pain through the force

R2D2 coming back to life yay!!!

Chewie being happy with Rey makes the copilot position ;-;

Rey climbing the island to find Luke her eyes full of so much emotion as she hands him the lightsaber and you see Luke again and it’s SO MUCH EMOTION THE CUE CREDITS AND YOURE SO HYPED

I’m gonna forget what happens after

(￣^￣)ゞ

Anyway that’s it I HAVE A LOT OF FORCE AWAKENS FEELS and if I’m 100% honest I missed all the FinnRey interaction in the last Jedi I could have had even tho I like Rose and the movie but there was a lot wrong with it and I would have preferred they kept directors and writers but idk how that works or what all the politics are so... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#the force awakens #star wars #the last jedi

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