#and while it is true that skyspear should not have killed zuala it is also true that it was always how it was going to end

[stardustedknuckles]

Yasha’s relationship to Zuala was distinct in many ways from her relationship to Beau and I don’t mean to conflate the two necessarily, but I quite enjoyed that Zuala was every bit the playful troublemaker I hoped she’d be, the complement to a zealous and rule-abiding Yasha. Because I think that’s what Yasha glimpsed underneath Beau’s stoicism for so long - in the rare moments she let her guard down, just enough to swipe at a moment of something like enjoyment, she was very much similar. Whether it was punching Fjord, heckling Caleb, or planning chaos, the Beau Yasha saw long before Beau knew how much she was giving away was so very much like Zuala. Zuala chafed under authority in a way that never occurred to Yasha. Zuala got the two of them in trouble and grinned “worth it” and Yasha realized it was. Zuala was quicker and knew Yasha would never scratch her and Zuala was kind above all else.

So yeah. The Yasha we met may have been broken, may have gone from someone who aspired to be a great leader to someone waiting to be told what to do, but her will to live wasn’t the only thing that couldn’t be snuffed. The things she learned to love about Zuala, the parts of her Yasha kept closest and missed the most, were so much of who Beau was when she forgot to be surly and distant.

A lot of those traits were there in Jester too, and even Nott, but there was something about Beau specifically that called to Yasha even as they both kept up their guards. I have to imagine that hearing about Tori settled one of those mysteries for Yasha and simultaneously hooked her that little bit further because it wasn’t until then that either of them knew enough about the other to make any real connection. At that moment, Yasha was so quick to validate Beau when she started trying to say that it wasn’t the same as losing a wife and so on - it wasn’t the same, but it was something that clicked. An indication that on some level, Beau really did get this very specific grief because it wasn’t that they lost someone, it’s that this person was forcibly ripped from them. By a parent, a leader at that. By fate, even. It wasn’t just the grief of being without Zuala or Tori, because that’s where the difference is of wife vs maybe-girlfriend. It wasn’t about that. It was the grief that they weren’t strong enough to keep something terrible from happening to someone they cared about. Skyspear killed Zuala and saw no reason Yasha shouldn’t continue on her path. Thoreau removed Tori from Beau’s life with the same expectation that things would carry on as they had.

Idk, I just really appreciate that the same traits that got Beau rejected by her family were the traits that got Zuala killed by hers. So much of Yasha wishes she could have stopped what happened to Zuala - she had even seen it coming, if only as an anxiety - but Zuala made her choice and didn’t need Yasha to agree or to save her. I liked that she understood why Yasha would not cross Skyspear, she knew what fate Yasha feared, and she did not get upset with her. She simply said “then I will do it” and no part of that required anything of Yasha. She died knowing full well the price of breaking the rules. There was nothing for Yasha to do.

And I like how that translated to Beau in the end, because Yasha was very clear that she wanted to protect her family while also understanding that they were capable on their own. It would have been so easy to become someone who stepped in for Beau or any of them too much, to have grown into someone who overlooked the Nein’s own capabilities in the name of preventing bad things from happening to them. But I think part of learning to forgive herself for what happened to Zuala (and part of not pursuing a resurrection) was the understanding that Zuala had accepted the possible consequences before she made her choice and she made it all the same. There was nothing Yasha could have done and nothing Zuala would have asked of her. She was very clear: the risk of death was worth the reward of the change she believed in. 

This whole time, by Yasha’s recollection, we have assumed there was a formal execution. Plenty of chances for Yasha to step in, to stop it (whether that was even feasible or not) only for her to run instead as her wife was killed. That last part is how Yasha saw things for a long time. But now we know - the only thing Yasha could have done differently was... overcome the years - the lifetime - of conviction that Skyspear was immutable, the brainwashing that she was chosen by the gods and the final authority, and so on. No big deal, right? Of fucking course it was a big deal - because that is what it would have taken to go with Zuala and explain this together, and that was not a reasonable request for Zuala to make of her. So she didn’t, and this too was a form of love. It would have been so easy to have had Zuala question Yasha’s commitment to their relationship, but she left to talk to Skyspear knowing exactly why Yasha could not follow and accepting that bringing about this change was her task - and it did indeed happen, but not in Skyspear. In Yasha.

And I really like that it changed Yasha so profoundly that even when she was a shell of who she’d been, part of her still recognized and was drawn to the qualities in Beau that had caused Zuala’s death - except this time, Yasha’s ready to fight for the world to know who she loves. This time, after all these months growing with the Nein and finding her new family, neither she nor Beau will be a pawn of fate. This time, all of Yasha’s choices are her own and she will choose her family and her love every single chance she gets.