#and whoever told you otherwise is a bitch ass motherfucker

[sugared-violets]

every time i listen to my roommates talk about their shitty boyfriends i hear the siren song of lesbianism calling to me

[skeletorific]

Hello! I was wondering which friendsim troll do you think would be the best to rant to? Like mspa had a bad day and just needed to rant to someone kakat style about how they dropped their coffee or got caught in traffic or broke their favorite cup?

I didn’t really know how to rank this and so just decided to do all trolls and judge them based on how good they’d be to rant to. Also I’m gonna assume non-quadrant for this. The behavior would adjust a bit (depending on which quadrant)

Ardata Carmia: Absolutely does not want to hear about it unless it ends in revenge and is somehow relevant to her. She has her own minor slights to be worried about, THANK YOU. 0/10.

Diemen Xicali: He seems like a good listener up until a point, and actually has some pretty good life advice when he wants to. There is, however, a 40-50% chance he’ll tune you out to think about meat midway through. 7.5/10

Amisia Erdehn: She can be a bit no-nonsense and may tell you to suck it up more often than not, but if you get her past that hurdle she can be a pretty good listener, especially if you agree to pose for her while you talk. That said, maybe don’t use the 10 year old as a vent. 6/10.

Cirava Hermod: Will listen to you rant about the worst day of your life and respond “big mood lmao”. 4/10.

Skylla Koriga: The platonic ideal of the rant friend. She’s an excellent listener, doesn’t jump in too early, gets angry on your behalf or laughs if you’re the type to joke throughout. She’s just got one of those faces that projects empathy. Additionally, she’ll make you some good strong tea and pastry, which always help.12/10

Bronya Ursama: You’d think she’d be better at it, and she really does want to be there for you! But ultimately, well....Bronya’s a very busy person and very “solutions” oriented. Which can be good sometimes! But if you’re just looking to get something off your chest, she really doesn’t know what to do and may come off as lightly uncomfortable. She’s trying her best though. 6/10.

Tagora Gorjek: You have to be careful with your timing, if you catch him when he’s busy he’s like as not to tell you to get over it and get on with your day. Still, get him on a spa day, over some strong tea, there’s nothing he loves more than a good old-fashioned bitch session. He’s got some rants of his own, and saves them up for your mutual day of wrath. 8/10.

Vikare Ratite: He has trouble sitting still for long and it can be hard to break him out of his own head but once you get him down to earth again (so to speak) he’s a very sympathetic listener and not bad at the occasional pep talk, given his proclivity for looking on the bright side. 7/10

Polypa Goezee: She’s not quite as active a listener as Skylla but she lets you say everything you need to and has a knack for asking exactly the right question. Polypa’s not much for sympathy, but she has a way of nodding that says “been there buddy” and you almost always find that you feel better after talking to her for a while. 10/10

Zebruh Codakk: Look I’m gonna give it the benefit of the doubt and say that he genuinely has good intentions at the start but stuff that’s not about him tends to go in one ear and out the other. He tends to empathize by supplying anecdotes about his own problems, which can be grating, but ultimately if what you’re going through falls outside his experience he’s gonna find some other way to make it about him. Will be very enthusiastic to get you to use his feelings jam pile though. 2/10.

Elwurd: Also has a hard time not making it all about her own shit or just kind of waving it off with a “that’s rough dude”. Elwurd’s not great with emotional vulnerability and it really shows. Still, there’s potential if you’ve been around long enough for her to get her head out of her ass. 3/10.

Kuprum Maxlol and Folykl Darane: If you can make it funny you’re golden, Kuprum and Folykl love complaining as much as the next troll. Still, coming to them when you’re going through genuine emotional distress....really, what were you thinking? For the record, Kuprum is more likely to apologize for going too far afterwards but even that’s unlikely unless all of you are really close. Still, they’d absolutely be down to help you jack the palmhusk of the asshole who spilled hot coffee on you, no question. 4/10

Remele Namaaq: Like Amisia and Bronya, she’s typically more on the no-nonsense end of the equation and very solutions oriented. She’ll let you speak a little longer while posing but is also pretty likely to keep asking you “so what exactlye do you plan to do aboute it?” Still, she’s also likely to solve your problems just for the sheer flare of it.7/10

Konyyl Okimaw: Is a great listener and will kill you if you tell anyone. She can be a bit on the abrasive side “pfft, then WHAT, you cried like some kind of WRIGGLER?” but then immediately follows it up with “because i’ve been told crying in that kind of situation can be healthy, you know, in small DOSES.” There’s a lot of bluster, but if she can coach you through a panic attack after a massacre, she can handle this. 11/10

Tyzias Entykk: Roughly the same strategy as Polypa. More likely to joke about your problems, though if you tell her you’re not in the mood she can tamp it down. You worry sometimes about overloading her with all the stress she’s already under, but truth be told she kind of likes hearing about someone’s problems that aren’t hers. Nice change, as long as they don’t expect her to help too much. 10/10

Chixie Roixmr: She tries her best, she really does, but she’s honestly going through a lot on her own, and it can be difficult for her to hear about yet one more problem she can do nothing to solve. You’ll likely notice her politely trying to shift topics after a while, which she feels awful about, but ultimately she has to know her own limits. Still, if there’s something you know she can help with, she’s there no question. Also, if she’s drunk she will absolutely get furious on your behalf and recommend some stunningly violent solutions. It’s very dangerous but surprisingly therapeutic. 5/10.

Azdaja Knelax: Oh he’s fucking awful. He may be the brains of the group but Konyyl got the emotional intelligence. He genuinely cannot understand why you’re involving him unless you think there’s something he can do about it. Otherwise, save it for the vent chittr, kid. 0/10.

Chahut Maenad: As with everything Chahut is a bit on the changeable side, but she’s usually content to listen quietly while you get it off your chest. Like drunk Chixie, her suggestions for solutions tend to be unsettlingly violent and you’re never quiiiiite sure if she’s joking or not, but its a weirdly good distraction. Chahut tends to cope with her problems on her own, but she doesn’t mind hearing you out when you need it and extends as much sympathy as her nature will allow. Pats your cheek when you’re done and tells you to “chin up liTTle moTherfucker” but there’s a gentleness in her tone. You hope. 8/10.

Zebede Tongva: May end up being so excited by the fact that you want to rant to him that he accidentally tunes you out, but he means well. He’s not much for the emotional insight, but he gets shocked and angry and upset at all the right parts, so he does well for a listener. Just make sure you don’t upset him too much, or you may spend more time trying to calm him down than you do actually venting. 7/10.

Tegiri Kalbur: MUCH better than you would expect. Gets very invested in your problems and listens very intently. As his kohai, your enemies are his and your struggles are felt as his own. Still, he has the highest estimation of your ability to solve problems, and as such it can be hard to get a little hyped up on yourself. Be careful though. Get too hyped up and he may have you looped into a raid on whoever has offended you before you know what’s happening. 9/10.

Mallek Adalov: He doesn’t necessarily do well with real vulnerability and may flounder a bit more than necessary on the right thing to say, but he lets you go as long as you need to and doesn’t interrupt. Mallek’s not the most emotionally intelligent guy but you get the sense when he tells you he’s sorry, he means it. Depending on how low you’re feeling, will definitely let you crash. Tends to throw food at the problem until it goes away. 9/10.

Lynera Skalbi: Uh...may want to give this one a miss. She’s very defensive of you and can be hard to restrain once you’ve gotten her started. Unless you want blood on your hands maybe tell take this to one of your other friends. -5/10.

Galekh Xigisi: He can sometimes talk over you, but in general he’s surprisingly good at listening to you vent. His hive is always open (1. when he’s not busy) and in lieu of emotional insight he has a very nice goatdad who will let you pet him. 8/10

Tirona Kasund: As mentioned, don’t use the ten year olds for therapy, but Tirona takes to it a bit better. Not because she’s particularly emotionally intelligent, but because she likes the sense that you trust her enough to bring this to her. It makes her feel more adult, a feeling she really enjoys. Bringing smaller complaints to her (bad traffic, etc) can be a good way to strengthen the bond. 6.5/10

Boldir Lamati: An excellent listener, and she often takes a much broader perspective that can help you contextualize things if you need to. Failing that, though, she’s content to just listen to you talk about your day. Its relaxing to tune into. 10/10

Stelsa Sezyat: Do it while you’re doing your hair or she’s doing yours, and she’ll be the best listener you could hope for. That said, she loses points for scheduling issues. Nothing kills a good vent like someone’s beeper going off or having to be pencilled into her color-coordinated nightmare. 7.5/10

Marsti Houtek: Nothing about her demeanor indicates good person to vent to, but surprisingly enough she kinda shines if you just need someone to quietly listen and not say much. She gets that, she’s been through that, and while she’s never going to be like “tell me how that makes you feel”, she doesn’t stop you once you get started and may even give you a gentle shoulder pat when you’re done. Its not much, but for Marsti, its a lot. 7/10.

Karako Pierot: Wisdom far beyond his years. 15/10.

Charun Krojib: Usually tries to get you to vent out your frustrations through art, which is more helpful than you’d expect. They’re not the best at solutions or comfort in the technical sense, but they will occasionally have a surprising amount of insight. More than that, they’re a vey nonjudgemental presence, which is helpful. 8/10

Wanshi Adyata: Occasionally she will say something so wise and insightful into your situation that you’ll be baffled that something like that could emerge from someone so young and relatively shelters. Other times she’ll incorporate what you tell her into her fanfiction. Win some, lose some. 5/10.

Fozzer Veyles: Weirdly enough the only thing that didn’t change about Fozzer across his mindwipes is that he’s a terrible listener. Pre Wipe Fozzer would make everything about the revolution. Post Wipe Fozzer will take any complaint as a reflection of your views on the system, and lecture you about how it could always be worse. 2/10.

Marvus Xoloto: With Wanshi in terms of the Russian Roulette of vents. Sometimes he drops these insight bombs on you that just completely blindside you. Its not for nothing that he got a knack for reading crowds. But he may or may not also mine you for song lyrics on occasion. Also may try to make it a flirting thing. (”so anyways then he threatened me-” “haha oh damn and then wat lol ;op”) 4/10 at least you get to look at his tits

Daraya Jonjet: Like most teenagers, Daraya has a hard time relating to things outside her realm of experience, but she tends to get really angry on your behalf, which is extremely validating. Still, it may mingle a bit with her own general anger and wind up...not really being about her issue. She can redirect if called out though, and she tries at least to be there for you as much as you are for her. 7/10

Nikhee Moolah: Did someone say rage exercises. Because Nikhee sure is saying that! A lot! Very loudly! They ARE effective in that its a little hard to hang onto your annoyance with shattered bones. But Nikhee also gives the best pep talks, so it’s not a total waste. 8/10.

Lanque Bombyx: He’s such an asshole about it and usually act like you’re wasting his time, but he’s listening more than he lets on. You’ll be chewing him out about not paying any attention and he’ll finally burst out “for fuck’s sake if you’re haVing skin problems you can just borrow my routine” or some other, surprisingly helpful thing. You’ll have to push him hard to get him to follow through (or bribe him) but Lanque is extremely observant, even when he wants to pretend he isn’t. 4.5/10

Barzum and Baizli Soleil: R U N 0/10.

[pvnthcrc]

“I’m Mariposa Vivienne, not just anyone, but A QUEEN. Ask whoever you want, and they will say the same.” Mari’s cheeks sunk in exposing her sculpted cheek bones as she sucked in the smoke from the thin cigarette. A dry, sarcastic chuckle lest her lips as she didn’t bother to look at her friend, Anne. “I gave him everything, I gave him best years of my life, I taught him how to be a man, a King.” She spoke way too calm, almost nonchalant, yet the venomous smirk remained on her full lips. “Now, I’m Mariposa Vivienne Panthere, Angelo Panthere’s wife and a mother of his child.” Her eyes, eyes of a lioness threw a piercing shot at the 5 year old boy who played a slow melody on his father’s white Bösendorfer grand piano. She took a pause as if she listened to the melody, her long, black coffin nails brushing through her long, raven hair. Mari was deep in her thoughts as the cold stare stayed on her son. Anne noticed the way Mariposa was looking at the little boy, and just to hide the pinch of uncomfortable feeling she dipped her eyes into the glass of wine as she took a sip. “I’ve carried that child for nine months. And this motherfucker still fucks every dirty hole he sees on his way.” Mariposa said through her teeth and warmed her mouth with the liquor that was in her glass. “I was too stupid to get pregnant by that unfaithful ass cheater.” She stated lowly and only then Anne decided to speak up. “Mari, darling, you know how all men be... And Angelo, he’s one of the most known musicians in the world, I know he loves you but-...” Anne didn’t had a chance to finish, she got interrupted by Mari’s sudden shout. “Jahseh, stop playing that damn piano and go to your damn room!” Anne bit on her lip as she watched the boy who’s dark, cat shaped eyes looked at his mother. He had her eyes, his baby face seemed to be emotionless but somehow Anne felt bad for the boy. “Go to your damn room, Jahseh, or I’ll beat your ass in front of this white bitch. I said go!” Mariposa said in French to her son; he understood every word while Anne had no idea what Mari just said. He got up from the piano stool and without saying any word he left the huge living room. “When I see him, I see Angelo. They both make me sick.” Mariposa kissed on her teeth as her lighter flicked to fire up another cigarette.

“How could you embarrass me like this, Jahseh?” Mariposa was furious; she dragged her 10 years old son to the empty room and pushed his body against the wall. “But what did I do, mom? I haven’t done-...” Jah tried to explain himself but instead his cheek ended up burning from a loud slap that her hand left across his face. “How could you tell The Willson’s about your father not being at home right now? How dare you open your mouth you little piece of shit!” Mari wasn’t loud, but her low, soft tone stabbed her son harder than a dagger could. “But dad’s on tour, I haven’t said nothing wrong!” Jah wanted to rub on his cheek and just leave, but he remained emotionless and held his mother’s stare without even blinking, which pissed Mari even more. “Your bitch ass father is not on tour, you idiot! He’s living with that bitch right now, but you be talking too much!” She rose her hand again, and another slap touched his soft skin. Nothing changed in his face. “You told me he went on tour.” Jahseh replied as his mother was on flames. She opened her mouth to drop another hurricane on her son, but she changed her mind and smiled at him. “Now, fix your damn face and go back to guests.”

“Mari, I haven’t been home for 3 fucking months. I been on a damn road, I’m fucking tired and now you pulling all the bullshit on me when I just want to get a damn rest, at my own house.” Angelo tried not to raise his voice as he eased his tie that now hung over his neck. He picked up a heavy, crystal decanter and filled up a glass with his favorite cognac. “No, Angelo, you will have to listen to me, I don’t care if you’re tired or not!” Mari hissed as he approached her husband and took the glass away from his hands. Angelo sighed heavy and shook his head while rubbing on his nose bridge. “Posa, tomorrow’s Jah’s birthday, let’s just act like a normal family, ight? I’m fed up with your drama, let me celebrate my son’s 16th birthday, that’s all I’m asking right now.” He made a step closer to Mariposa and opened his arms in attempt to get her closer and hush her down, but instead Mari threw his own drink right in his face. “Fuck you and your son, you motherfucker! I know you’ve been with that bitch!” She kept yelling, and this time, for the first time after all these years Angelo wasn’t able to deal with his wife’s hysterics; he grabbed her by her shoulders and gave her a hard shake. “Shut the fuck up! Say anything ‘bout me but don’t ya dare to say shit ‘bout your own son you psycho ass bitch!” Like a wild cat. Mariposa began scratching and pushing Angelo but he held her as tight as he could. “I hate you! I hate you both! Get your hands off me, fucker! Ya’ both ruined and keep ruining my life! Burn in hell!” She kept yelling and to shut her up Angelo’s palm landed on her cheek in a slap. A dead silence filled the living room. Angelo pushed her away from himself and left the room before leaving the house. Mari fell across the couch and exploded in a loud cry. A few minutes later two hands gently wrapped around her shoulders. “Ma... Don’t cry..” Jah said softly bringing his mother closer to himself. “GET THE FUCK OFF ME!” She pushed Jahseh away and got up from the couch pointing his finger at her son. “You and your father, I hate you both! You two are the same! You’re a fucking monster just like he is!” Jah clenched his jaw and got up as well. “Ma, ya need to calm down..” Although, she was thinking otherwise. “Don’t tell me what to do! Get out the house, I don’t wanna see your stupid ass anymore!” Grabbing Jah by his dreads he dragged him towards the main entrance while sending kicks to his body forcing him to go faster. “Get out!” As she kicked him out, she shut the door right in his face. It was a chill night, Jah had only his shorts and flip flops on. Shaking his head and rubbing on his shoulders, he began to walk away from the mansion. Where the fuck should he go now? He didn’t had his phone with him, his father probably at some fancy ass hotel right now. He just kept walking, aimlessly. He couldn’t go to his friends, what would he tell them? Plus, he had to keep that perfect picture of their family. What if everyone gonna laugh at him because of all this bullshit? All he could do is to walk. “Yo, Jah, is that you?” Jah didn’t even notice a black Benz that pulled up besides him. Jah had to squint his eyes due to the lights of the car just to figure out it was his plug, Kevin. “Why ya half ass naked walkin’ ‘round here?” The plug laughed some as Jah smirked and shook his head. “Bruh, I went outside for a smoke and dat damn security system locked the whole house, I can’t get in.” Jah was that great ass actor who deserves the damn Oscar’s because when he lies, he lies. Kevin chuckled and leaned over to open the passenger door. “Hop in, I got new stuff ya might like.” Jahseh got into the car and the plug drove off. They had a chat about this and that before Jahseh asked. “Yo, do you have something that would KO my ass? My mind goin’ crazy right na’, fuck lean and weed bruh, this shit ain’t able to shut down my mind.” At that moment, Kevin parked the car and both stepped out. Now, they were on the way to Kevin’s appartment. Jah’s question caused the male to chuckle. “What, no more xannies for you, Jah? I got something if you’re not pussy..” He opened the door letting Jah in. “Let me try bruh, I just need whatever. Just put it on my check.” Jah said plopping down on the couch. “Well, okay.” Kevin went to the other room and after some while he came back with a strap that he threw at Jah. “Wrap it just a little beneath your shoulder.” Jah let out a laughter. “Ya trynna gimme a shot bruh?” Although, he did what he was told. For right now, he could care less. “Ball your fist up.. relax it... ball it up again.” Kevin instructed as he watched the vein bulging up on Jah’s forearm. Jahseh’s curious gaze followed after Kevin’s actions. He saw a syringe, then felt a light pinch, and then... he flew away, far far away, to the lands of euphoria where everything seemed so peaceful and easy. And he didn’t want to get back to the real world, so he didn’t.

Warming up the substance on the spoon turned into a daily basis for Jah, he was able to do it with his eyes closed since it’s been a while of his relationship with heroin. Being more than sure he’s all alone at home, Jah sat in jacuzzi where he tightened the strap around his arm and held it’s end between his teeth as he aimed the needle to his vein. Another shot, another dose of a paradise. His head fell back as his eyes closer, his arm with the trail of red marks from the numerous shots fell over the jacuzzi border. “JAHSEH!!!” What the fuck her voice is doing here, in his fairytale? What the fuck is wrong with this high? Why he could hear his mother? Why it feels like her arms touching him, why it feels like her nails dug into his skin? Why his face burns as if it gets hit after hit? You know what, not today mother satan, you not gonna appear in his fantasy and ruin it for him. At the end of the day, everything is a fantasy, right? Jah threw a hard punch and his fist felt like it hit it’s target. He heard a scream, his mother’s scream, and it made him feel good. He threw another punch. And another. His vision cleared up a little and now he was able to see the silhouette of a woman. Well, today he’s on a weird trip if he can see his own mother in his own heroin dream, but if it’s only a dream he can do what he want, right? Climbing out of jacuzzi, Jah grabbed the woman by her hair and pulled her closer. “I’m fuckin’ tired of ya shit, bitch.” His hist curled up and smashed against the beautiful face. The woman fell down, Jah hovered over her and continued throwing hit after hit over her face and her body. And it felt so good.. All these years of being hated, humiliated, beaten up and terrorized by her, it felt so good to release his hurt and anger in this heroin dream of his. Suddenly, as by a snap of the fingers, Jahseh sobered up as if he never took his shot. His chest rising high, up and down from a hard breathing, his knuckles bleeding and when he looked down he saw Mariposa who tried to crawl away from him. “Ma...” He muttered not really believing in what his own eyes showed him. Grabbing his phone, he dialed 911. That’s how Jahseh Panthere ended up in a rehab, that’s how he got on probation, and that’s the secret The Panthere’s had to pay a good check for to keep it unknown and hidden from every single soul.

[embracetheapocalypsewithme]

Cursed Land, Part 2: September

This is the second part of a multi-chapter fic for @ladylorelitanyfanfiction‘s / @ladylorelitany’s Monster Mash challenge. Part one is here:

Part 1: The Black Box

Part 3: The Call of the Void

Part 4: The Abyss

Summary: Rebecca begins to read Negan’s private journals from his first few days on the road after the world ended. What could have happened to him while he was wandering to make him so fearful of a certain part of the region in the northeast that he won’t even mention it? Perhaps the journals will reveal more of his past...

Word Count: 3,354

Warnings: Language, horror, and (hopefully) this is legitimately frightening.

Part 2: September

September 7

Writing this in a nice, fresh fucking notebook, like it’s the first day of school or something. Shit. Maybe it would have been the first day of school today if the world hadn’t ended, huh?

I don’t even really know why I’m writing this shit, or who I’m writing it for. I’ll probably be one of those dead fucks soon enough, wandering around trying to take off people’s faces. I guess I just want to keep track of the days. Today was the end of the first day on the road, and it’ll be hard to keep track of time without some kind of log.

I couldn’t stay in that house alone anymore. Too many memories for me there. The road is more dangerous, for sure, but it’s also new and open. I feel like I can breathe again out here.

But I’m lonely.

Dead fuck sightings: 25.

September 10

Wandered for the last few days. Finally made it out of the city this morning. No more tall buildings. Now there’s just suburbs, parks, and McMansions all around me. Fucking ugly ass, overpriced shit architecture…Lucille hated that shit just as much as I do.

Fuck I miss her a lot. It’s hard to think about her too much. Fucking fuck this sucks.

Camped out in the middle of a playground. Feels wrong to light a campfire here, but fuck it. Not like there are any kiddies around to burn their little hands in it or something. No homeowner’s association to bitch me out for it either. Ha! Bet those prissy fucks died on day one of this shit. Who’s laughing now, Mr. McMansion Motherfucker!

Dead fuck sightings: 12

September 12

The suburbs are getting decidedly less suburb-y. The houses are further and further apart, and are either big and expensive-looking, or run down little shacks. Looks like I’m starting to hit the rural areas. That’s probably not a bad thing since less people = less dead fucks coming at me.

At least, that’s what I fucking hope!

I guess a bunch of them could form some kind of roving mob ‘o’ flesh-eaters and swarm onto the road at any minute. Wouldn’t that be a fucking fun way to go? At least they’d probably tear me apart so that I wouldn’t come back as one of them. Maybe.

Dead fuck sightings: 9

September 15

Yep. I fucking knew it. I’m in the woods now. The houses are basically miles apart and most of them are really fucking shitty looking. There are thick-ass woods everywhere and let me fucking tell ya: they’re spooky as fuck.

Less walkers around here though. So, I guess I’ll take spooky woods over actual danger.

I’ve always been bad with directions, but I think I’m headed north east. There’s really no rhyme or reason to my wandering; I’m just trying to stay the hell away from the cities. They’re fucked.

It does get kind of lonely at night, and I hope that I meet an actual living fucker here soon. Could use the company.

Dead fuck sightings: 5

September 17

Someone’s following me.

They think that I can’t tell, but I can totally fucking tell. I may look big and stupid, but whoever-the-fuck is a really shitty stalker. I mean, at least try to cover up the sound of your footsteps, right?

I can almost feel them watching me right now while I write this over the fire. I don’t know why they don’t just approach me. Better not mean me any harm because I will sure as shit put a stop to that ASAP.

And, yeah, I just heard a twig snap behind me. Fuck fuck fuck.

Write write write…just a big dumb fuck pretending to write his fucking journal. Blah blah blah. Come get some you stupid fuck. I fucking dare ya!

Dead fuck sightings: 3

Creepy stalker sightings: 0, but I know you’re there motherfucker!

September 18

Creepy fucking stalker made contact this afternoon. 

Turns out, creepy fucking stalker is a not-too-bad looking woman who’s scouting for a group a few days from here. She goes out looking for other survivors while the rest stay in a little place in the woods. Doesn’t seem super fair to let her go out all alone, but maybe everyone else is feeble and would only slow her down?

We’re heading back to her camp now. We should be there soon. Maybe my luck has finally turned around! I could use a fucking break and some company. If we can fortify the place and start growing food, maybe we can all get through this. There’s safety in numbers and in time we can start rebuilding a little.

Fuck, I wouldn’t mind trying to repopulate the world with my new companion. She’s looking not too bad sitting across the fire right now…

Dead fuck sightings: 1, but it was mostly harmless, so does that count?

September 19

My former stalker’s name is Gail, by the way. We’ve been getting to know each other during the trip back to her camp. Not like that…well, not yet anyway…

Any-fucking-way, Gail says that she’s originally from a small town not too far away from this camp she’s in now. Evidently, the place is a ghost town called Falling Creek that she used to visit for kicks as a teenager in the “before times”

(Doesn’t that just sound so fucking dramatic? Before Times? But, I guess the situation is a tad fucking dramatic, after all).

The place was abandoned way back in the early 1940s. Like, the town was bustling one day and then winter came and by the next spring everyone just kind of fucked off. She says that there are a lot of creepy stories about why everyone left, but what good ghost town doesn’t have spooky stories about it?

The place probably just lost their source of income and everyone decided to go to greener pastures or whatever the fuck.

Anyway, Gail and her group decided that it would work well as a base because no people = no one to get infected and try to eat you. I like the way she thinks.

Seems to be working out too because we haven’t seen any deadies in days. Oddly enough, I can still smell them though. It seems like that dead body smell just follows us everywhere we go. Maybe it’s all in my head…some kind of PTSD maybe? I just wish my symptoms weren’t so fucking gross.

The weirdest part is that Gail says she can smell it too. Here’s hoping that the camp has cleaner air than these woods. We should be there tomorrow if we keep making good time.

Dead fuck sightings: 0

September 20

Fuck yeah, motherfucker! We are at the camp now! 

Just arrived this afternoon, and the folks waiting around here seem pretty relieved to see Gail. I’m relieved to see a goddamn bed, even if it is pretty vintage and crawling with dust mites.

(Don’t think about the dust mites, Negan. It’s better than whatever crawls around you all night when you sleep in the woods anyway…)

So, these are the folks here at the camp with me:

Gail: Of course, my lady stalker. Really nice, no-nonsense kind of a gal. Saved my ass from probably starving to death in the woods. Gail’s pretty fucking cool, if you ask me. Nice butt too. (I’ll stop now…)

Max: One of Gail’s neighbour’s kids…well, former neighbour.  Poor kid’s mom got eaten and Gail took him with her. Cute kid. Thinks he’s tough, but he can’t be more than 50lbs soaking wet.

David: Another neighbour of Gail’s. Dude had a pretty good gun stash (because that’s how small town folk do, I guess?), so when shit went real sideways, Gail hauled ass to his place with Max in her pickup. After a few days she and David decided to jump back into the truck with his boom-sticks and they came to Falling Creek to get away from the hustle and bustle of the metropolis of Maple Pass. (just kidding…who the fuck has ever heard of that place?) I high-key think he wants to fuck Gail. But then again, who doesn’t? (I lied about stopping.)

Alan: David and Gail picked him up on their way to Falling Creek. He was just walking along like I was, minding his own business. Must have seemed harmless enough. He’s a quiet guy. Hard to tell how old he is – got one of those faces where he could be 28 or 48 and both would make sense. Says he’s half Native American on his mom’s side. Spent time all over the place and never really settled down until things got all weird with the dead rising and stuff. Guess that’s as good enough an excuse as any to stay put for a while.

Mary: Teenage girl they found in the woods a few weeks ago during one of Gail’s expeditions. She doesn’t really talk. Like, at all. Poor thing is totally fucked up and traumatized by whatever it is she saw before Gail found her. She just kind of walks around like one of those dead fucks most of the time. I don’t even want to think about what she witnessed to make her like that. Truth be told, she kind of gives me the creeps, but I’m trying to at least talk to her (…at her?) ...Maybe eventually she’ll snap out of it.

Speaking of creepy, Falling Creek is pretty eerie in and of itself. Gail says that she used to come here with her friends to drink and fuck as a teenager. Seems legitimate to me. The place is 100% deserted, and nature has started to take it all back. Everything’s crumbling and overgrown with weeds. It’d be the perfect place for kids to come and be sure no one else would follow them.

Who the fuck would come here otherwise?

Dead fuck sightings: 0

September 25

Missed a few days of writing. Just trying to get used to being around people again, I guess. It’s weird to have someone to talk to…

Gail is great at conversation. She’s just so warm and nice. Like a pair of fucking undies fresh out of the dryer cradling my balls. Soothing. Maybe this is the start of something good for us?

It’s fucking hard to talk sometimes and be open with people again. I was never really good at it. Even with Lucille. Sometimes I wonder if I made her worse in the end. She spent every day trying to bust down my defenses, and what the fuck did she get for it? Cancer!

I know that’s not how cancer works, but there are moments when you have to wonder if things could have been different.

Dead fuck sightings: 0 (ghost towns for the fucking win!)

September 27

Gail wants to go out on another of her expeditions. I told her that there was no way I would let her go out there alone, but she shot that right the fuck down. Says I’m too big and noisy and that she can sneak around a lot better alone. Makes sense, but I am 100% still not keen on the idea.

No one else seems to share my trepidation though, so I guess I should have more faith in the lady. She knows these woods pretty well and she can handle herself. Not like there are any dead fucks in the woods around here anyway.

(Side note: That’s a little weird, isn’t it? I know that this place is a ghost town, but you’d think that at least a few would wander in from the surrounding communities…)

I guess I’ll just twiddle my fucking thumbs and wait for her to come back. She leaves tomorrow morning…

Dead fuck sightings: 0

Found written on the back of the previous entry’s page in Negan’s handwriting:

The weeds will take it back. Nature will always take it back.

Everything goes down to dust in the end.

Ashes. Ashes.

Now all fall down.

September 29

Went to write today and found the fucking poetry or whatever the fuck written on the back of the last entry. It’s in my handwriting, but I don’t remember writing that at all.

Do people sleep-write like they sleep-walk? Is this some kind of weird trauma thing?

Whatever. It’s fucking weird. Not surprising though, given the circumstances.

Gail has been gone for a couple of days. She’s due back tomorrow, and I think I’ll feel a lot less stressed once she’s here again. She’d better show up because I don’t want to go skulking through the woods for her if she doesn’t. They’re fucking spooky as shit at night. And dark.

Alan and I have been getting along well. He’s telling me all kind of fun facts about the area. Old stories passed down from his grandmother about the place. Some Native American legends and stuff mixed in. Real interesting stuff.

Makes the time pass faster anyway.

“Life is very long…” Who wrote that. Was that T.S. Eliot? In The Wasteland? Or The Hollow Men? Maybe it was Oscar Wilde? Who the fuck knows anymore!

Dead fuck sightings: 0 (surprise, surprise!)

October 1

Last night was super fucking weird. And, to be clear, I mean super fucking weird in a world that is already really fucked. So that must tell you about the level of fuckedupedness that went down. I’m trying to think of where to even start with this and it’s hard to pinpoint.

I guess the first thing was that Mary started whistling.

It was just around sundown when I noticed it. Kind of a faint and soft sound; it was a melody I didn’t recognize, but it was the first real noise I have ever heard her make, so I thought it was pretty fucking cool.

I walked outside of the main building and saw her sitting on a bench beside the doorway, just whistling away. She was looking into the woods, which were already dark as fuck by this point. I sat down next to her on the bench and just listened to the sound.

It was kind of fucking pretty.

It was around this time that I noticed that the dead body smell had come back.

Less pretty.

I wanted to quiet her down since sound seems to draw them to us, but by this point Max had come out and sat down on her other side. I didn’t want to be a dick and discourage the poor thing from making noise, so I just kept an eye out for anything unusual.

After a few minutes David joins us and starts asking Mary about the song. Stuff like, “What is that you’re whistling?” and “Where did you learn to do that? It’s awful nice!” Of course, she doesn’t answer. Doesn’t even really acknowledge any of us being there. Just keeps on fucking whistling to herself.

Her eyes were just staring out into the tree-line. It was almost like she was looking for something. Maybe she was trying to call one of the deadies to us for shits and giggles?

Mary ends the song, but holds the last note for a long time. It’s high-pitched and almost hurts my ears just thinking about it. Like a tea-kettle that’s boiled and waiting for someone to finally take it off the burner. The sound just keeps going and going. It seems like forever, and I’m honestly getting a little fucking weird-ed out. I swear she never even blinked or took a breath the whole time.

All of a sudden the door slams open and there’s Alan looking like he’s seen a fucking ghost or something. He runs up to Mary and before I can stop him he’s shaking her and telling her to stop. He’s not mad…just like, panicked? He’s got a hand over her mouth by the time I get up and drag him off.

Mary stops and just looks up at him with these big, brown eyes. It’s almost like she didn’t know what she was doing, or didn’t remember. The girl looked genuinely confused as shit.

Alan apologizes to her, and then says something like: “You can never whistle like that at night. Do you understand? It calls them to you. Please, never do that again, Mary.”

She nods like she understands and just gets up and goes back into the building. Everyone kind of starts to move away from Alan except for me. I sit back down on the bench and he does the same.

We sit in silence for a few minutes just looking out at the trees that surround the town. Eventually I say, “Do you really think that whistling draws the dead fucks to us? I mean, I haven’t seen any of them since I got here. It’s actually a bit weird.”

He answers, “It is weird, isn’t it? No dead things around, but you can smell the death, can’t you?”

“Yeah. Honestly, I was starting to think it was all in my head. Real fucking relieved that you can smell it too, buddy.”

“I don’t know if that’s cause for relief or concern, to tell you the truth,” he mumbles to himself.

“What do you mean?”

“I’d better not talk about it. It’s something that...” he trailed off like he was trying to find the right words to explain, “In my grandmother’s culture, there were things that you just don’t talk about. You don’t even think about them. They’re that powerful. Things that live in the woods. Things that can be called to people who seek them out without realizing, until it’s too late and they’ve laid their own trap. Whether through greed, or curiosity, or just plain old bad luck.”

“You talking about fucking ghosts or some shit, Alan? I don’t really believe in this kind of supernatural shit, you know.”

He looked at me, “Yeah, well…in a world where the dead walk, who’s to say that ghosts aren’t real. And for the record: No. Not ghosts. Ghosts would be infinitely better than what I’m thinking of right now.”

At this point I’m getting exasperated with the guy. I mean, if you’re scared of some shit just say it. Don’t play coy with this “Oh it must not be named aloud!” bullshit. I was about to call him out on this when the bushes to our right started to rustle.

Look, I’m a big fucking guy and I can hold my own in a fight, but I’m not too big to admit that I just about shit myself when that happened. I think that feeling was mutual for Alan because we both got up real fast and spun around to see what was making the noise.

It was Gail. Of course it was. In all of the weirdness of the evening I almost forgot that she was due back that afternoon. She grinned at us and her face was cast in an orange glow from the setting sun. She looked tired and a little worried, but hot as fuck in that moment.

“Hey fellas!” she called out at us, waving, “Sorry to startle you. And sorry for being late. Had a little bit of a hold up in the woods. Got turned around for a couple of hours.”

This actually made my heart skip a beat. I mean, I’m not in love with the lady, but she did save my ass and I feel like I at least owe her one. The idea of her lost out there alone really fucking freaks me out. Especially since she knows these woods so well.

After a few minutes of me playing the concerned guy who needs to know “How did this happen?” and “How can this never fucking happen again?!” she calmed me down and we all went back inside for some food and more conversation.

Here’s hoping that she at least takes someone with her next time she’s out there.

Dead fuck sightings: 0, but at this point I’d welcome them over weird whistling girls and Alan’s creepy bullshit.