#and yet i give myself a bit of a self-treat somehow because i didn't have time to celebrate with my friends here | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kingskwing · 3 years

Note

That MC oneshot was absolutely amazing, your blog is off to a great start 🤩 if it’s not too much, could I request some angst (hc, oneshot, whtvr) with Luke of the reader dying before he does? Maybe the haven’t gotten together yet, and he’s regretful of everything he didn’t get to say nebfjdnk—

I'm going to use a James Cameron Avatar quote because it's one of my favorite movies and you are powerless to stop me, TOT SPOILERS IN WARNINGS

Warnings: mention of terminal illness, medications (anaesthetic, paralytics, morphine, vague mentions of whatever luke uses to self-treat), hospitals, major character death, reader is called pretty, luke has WAY more than 3 months

Notes: Reader is a doctor training to be a cardiologist :) yes I have to give my reader characters jobs smh sorry if it's not relatable,,, I could never,,, my own blood? Fine, I'm great. Calm, even! But other people's blood? Nawr I'm ok,,, also! @artingabyss had a fantastic idea for an extended version of this, so while this has setup for that, it can be read alone.

》 M.list | Part One | Part Two

one is certain

Ever since he first met you Luke was fascinated. You were a relatively well-known doctor on Marius' payroll, hired to help the NXX when they were caught in sticky situations. This was one of those times, Artem having gotten ‘grazed’. You were in the room within a minute of Marius calling you. However, despite how impressive your quick reaction time was, what made an impression on Luke was your priorities. You speedily gauzed the senior attorney's wounds and left once you were sure he wasn't bleeding out. Luke followed you out of curiosity, what could possibly tear you away so quickly? He got his answer when he poked his head around the door.

You were sitting at the side of an old man's bed, speaking to him softly. Luke watched you smooth what was left of the elder's hair, whisper something to him, and show him a picture. Luke couldn't make out what it was, but he did see the man smile. You were singing gently now, low enough that Luke couldn't identify the melody.

The monitor flatlined.

Luke panicked a bit, but waited upon seeing how unbothered you were. Reverently, you crossed his hands over his chest and tucked the photo beneath them before gently closing the man's glassy eyes. The man's gentle smile followed him in passing.

Luke went back to Artem's private room feeling uncomfortable. Would that be him one day? If he was alone when the time came, would someone do as you had done and spend his final moments making him smile? You were likely a stranger to that man, and you brushed off a regular and well-paying client to make sure someone else had a pleasant passing.

His thoughts were interrupted by the door finally opening, revealing you.

"Hey, all! What is it this time, gunshot? Knife wound? Something a little more creative?"

Your face was smiling now, but Luke could tell there was a sadness in it.

"Hey! The mace was a one time thing," Marius pouted.

"Wh- a mace?!" Rosa certainly had some catching up to do, being a new addition to the team.

Your stitching was quick and effective. Luke stood behind you, eyeing your technique now and again. Artem hardly indicated any pain, and when he did, you winced a bit and were somehow even more cautious.

Soon enough, you were finished stitching.

"Apologies, I haven't had a chance to introduce myself to you or… Rosa? Is that your codename?"

"Sure is," the attorney smiled.

"And you? What's your codename? Don't tell me your actual name, haha." You were facing Luke now, giving him a chance to look over your face.

"You're really pretty…"

Luke flushed at the awkward, bashful smile on your face as you fought to keep a giggle in. He'd said that out loud? For a split second, Luke wished his three months were up.

"Sorry! I'm Raven, didn't mean to make you uncomfortable," he recovered, more confident now.

"No worries at all! I'm Apothecary." You shook his outstretched hand with a firm grip. "Raven and Rosa, love the alliteration from the rookie duo! What are your roles on the team?"

"I'm a private detective and she's an attorney that works with Libra."

"Don't let Mr. Secret Service fool you, Poth. He's got stuff under his belt I can't even imagine."

"King!" Luke scolded. "Ah yeah, it's not supposed to be common knowledge," he said, to you this time.

"No worries! Also, dearest King, my name is not Poth." The threat behind your smile prompted a nervous laugh from the bold CEO. "How about you, Libra? Feeling better now that the drugs have kicked in?"

"Much, thank you."

"Look at that, manners. It's not rocket science, King," you beamed. "I've got patients, I'll see you all later! Someone restrain Libra, he's not getting up for the next day at least. Good to meet you, Rosa, Raven!" And with that, the door closed behind you.

"... Okay, they're gone. Luke! I can't believe you said they were pretty first thing, never pegged you for love at first sight," Marius teased.

"Ohhh, leave me alone! I'm embarrassed enough as is!"

"Even I must admit," Artem said, "that was entertaining."

"Not you too!"

》》¤

The second time Luke was drawn to your values was when Marius tested them. Vyn was the one in the bed this time, and when Luke left to grab a couple snacks for the group, he came back to a bit of a scene. Vyn, lying comfortably, was on one side of the room with Artem and Rosa on either side of the bed, but Marius was arguing with you in the room’s empty space.

“Poth, come on! I’m paying you more than enough to ask you to do this.”

“You’re damn well not, King, and you know it,” you spat. “Time and time again I have maintained my integrity despite your little trials, and I’m not compromising it now.” Your words were made all the more pointed by the finger you had jabbed at Marius’ chest for emphasis.

“What’s going on?” Luke asked Rosa.

“He’s trying to get paralytics and morphine from them for the NXX, said he pays for it anyways,” she scoffed. “I tried to get him to stop since they’re clearly uncomfortable, but-”

Luke had left Rosa’s side and crossed the room by the time she realized his absence. “What’s wrong with you,” Luke gritted, pulling Marius by the shoulder to face him. “You don’t know when to give up, do you? They said no. We can get supplies elsewhere, have been all this time. Are you really asking them to give up a part of themself for your convenience? I thought you were their friend.”

“I’m their employer first,” Marius hissed, turning on his heel and briskly leaving the room.

You heaved a sigh and shifted your weight, drawn-up shoulders an indication of your lingering frustration. Luke approached, leaning to meet your eyes so you could allow him permission to lay his outstretched hands on your arms.

“Breathe,” he said, coral eyes searching yours, trying to figure out exactly what you were feeling.

Chest rising and falling steadily now, you allowed the hands rubbing your arms and massaging your shoulders to ground you. Your shoulders fell with a muttered expression of gratitude.

“He does care for me, I promise. King is just worried since it’s Adjudicator on the line this time. That lung of his took a nasty hit and King likely feels guilty since I imagine he’s responsible for purchasing the bulletproof gear.”

“Yeah, they have a special bond.” Luke had let his hands fall while you spoke and they were now in his pockets, thumbs running over the fabric of his pants.

After a beat, you spoke. "Walk with me?" He nodded. "You guys mind if I steal him for a bit? No? Fantastic, if something goes wrong, Adjudicator, you know what to do," you said, nodding to the panic button and motioning for Luke to follow you into the sterile halls.

"Why did you want me to come with you?"

"Well, I do have an ulterior motive, but we'll come to that later. For now, I'd just like to get to know you. And, to thank you for earlier. I think having someone with a less familiar face scold him helped," you laughed.

"Oh! It was really no problem. He does seem like the type to get hot-headed when upset, but I'm surprised at how he treated you considering how much faith he puts in those he's close to."

"... maybe he just has the wrong faith in me, then."

Luke went silent at that, unsure how to respond.

"Wow, my bad! Still a little bitter! Way to make things awkward. So, speaking of awkwardness, you always tell people they're pretty before you even say hi?"

Luke threw his head back in a groan. "Oh, come on! It was an accident, you know that," he laughed, bumping his elbow against yours and you reveled in his embarrassment.

Luke was able to follow you nearly everywhere as you completed your duties for the day, chatting about anything and everything. However, he hadn't forgotten about that ulterior motive you'd mentioned, and neither had you.

"Ahem, about that other matter, may I take you somewhere private? It's pretty personal and you'll have every right to leave after I ask."

Apprehensively, he agreed, following you to your office. He noticed you added a 'Do Not Disturb' sign to the front of the door but opted not to lock it. Intentionally, he supposed.

"Make yourself at home, but I hope it's okay if I stay on your side of the desk. I don't want this to feel like an interrogation."

Luke had some idea of what this was about, but he wasn't able to put the nagging feeling he had into any definitive words.

"Raven, King gave me the rookies' medical records." You heard him sigh softly and saw him deflate but quickly went to clarify. "Hold on! He didn't look through them, if that's what you're worried about. And your name and personal details were redacted. I'm not here to ask you to relive every doctor's appointment you've had since your diagnosis, haha. I just wanted you to present this," you reached over your desk for a paper and slid it to him, "to your primary care practitioner. If you decide to sign it, it'll allow me to contact them regarding your condition, current treatments, and any dangers that may arise with conflicting medicines and such." Yes, you'd slipped into doctor mode instead of maintaining the casual atmosphere you'd hoped for, but you needed to sell this in case the time came to treat the private detective.

"I… yeah. Thank you," he said cautiously. He took the paper and carefully folded it, looking like there was a new weight on his shoulders. However, it quickly seemed to lift when the PA system announced the end of visiting hours. He laughed in surprise, not having realized how late it had gotten.

“See? How great am I on timing? Thanks for today, Raven, sorry for taking you away from the others for so long. Would you check up on King for me?”

“I apologize for him in advance, I know he’ll feel really bad about earlier.”

“Ahh, thank you. Tell him I forgive him, otherwise it’ll eat him up.”

“Will do,” Luke shouted, halfway down the hallway already, waving happily.

You watched him go with a chuckle, ignoring the knowing looks from your coworkers.

》》¤

Luke’s path crossed yours several times over the next two years or so before he was finally the one in the sterile accommodations of your hospital. Other team members got hurt more often than he did, but it didn’t mean he was infallible.

“You’d think Mr. Secret Service would be better at dodging bullets.” Luke looked at you when he heard your voice, finding your audible exhaustion strange.

The sun was a blazen orange, painting clouds with the colors of the warmest hearth. Purple and pinks played in puffy swirls, a sign of the coming night.

You shone in the falling light, bright rays highlighting your face from a slightly low angle. "I'm glad I had you sign that disclosure agreement. The reaction between that medicine the nurse nearly gave you and the one you're taking… it wouldn't have killed you, but your operation tomorrow could have been fatal."

He was stunned as you sat in the chair at his bedside and melted into the cushions.

"Long day, then? Fatal prognoses aside, of course."

You laughed weakly, but left your smile on your face upon seeing how proud he was of himself, having made you happy.

"You heard how many code blues went off today, yeah? Three were all from one incident, we were understaffed… I was only leading the operation for one, but I was present for all three. Thankfully, mine lived, but I can't help but feel I'm being selfish."

"What? How so?"

"Well, I'm a doctor. Not a surgeon. I'm at this hospital on residency with King's recommendation, training to become a cardiologist. Saving that patient today… felt good. But the issue is that I'm feeling that for all the wrong reasons. Yes, saving her felt fantastic, but I had this thought of 'that'll prove my abilities as a surgeon, how fortunate I was able to do this'... I guess I feel a bit sick about it."

You were being awful vocal for someone who tended to prefer banter over deep cuts, but maybe Luke just didn't know you well enough to make that call.

"There's nothing wrong with that."

Your disbelieving stare made him remember he had to clarify instead of admiring your face in the little sunlight that was left.

"Consider this," Luke began. "You had a split-second thought, yes? Impulse thoughts happen all the time. Then, you quickly condemned that thought when you realized it was off. What makes someone morally corrupt is not what thoughts they have, but how they act upon those thoughts."

You pouted as you tried to consider what he was saying through your fatigue.

"Hey."

Your attention was drawn to his voice once again.

"Come over here," he gestured to the bed and scooted over to make room. "Lay down." You did as he asked, maybe a little too happily.

"This okay?" he whispered, having made sure his arm was beneath your head.

"Mhm," was all you could muster, already half-consciously pressing yourself closer to his warmth.

"I'll wake you soon, rest well Apothecary."

"Thank you, Raven," you mumbled before succumbing to sleep under the gentle touch of his fingers to your scalp.

Your coworker woke you when they went to move Luke into the OR first thing in the morning, having found you both asleep together.

You almost wished you were the one performing his surgery if it meant you could be spared the incessant teasing that happened while he was under anaesthesia.

》》¤

Over the next several months, almost an entire year, the NXX visited the hospital you worked at, but there was some unspoken bond between Luke and yourself that you both cherished. The rest of the NXX had caught on by now, you even caught Libra handing a book called 'The Psychology of Love' to a very reluctant Raven! However, nothing was said. Not yet. You really liked him, but until you achieved your goal of being the lead surgeon in cardiology, you wouldn't entertain any relationships. Thankfully, Raven seemed to pick up on that, keeping things right on the line between platonic and romantic.

To him, being with you felt natural. Carefree, comfortable, but it was hugely different from what he felt for Rosa. She was a huge part of his life and he was most at ease with her, but being with you? Incomparable. His heart would swell gently whenever you smiled. Light enough to know it wasn't some silly infatuation, but strong enough that it was anything but platonic.

Every time you took him to the hospital cafeteria for a subpar lunch (which you both always poked fun at), he fingered the little handmade item in his pocket. A small, bronze pin in the shape of a human heart, relatively thin for all the moving gears inside. On the back was a discreet wind-up lever, shaped like a small raven, made to power the gears when you wanted them to move. And, set into the middle of one of the exposed gears, was a small coral colored gem.

Hey, if he was going to ask you to be his after your promotion, he might as well go all-out, right?

》》¤

Luke got the call while he was at his work bench, hunched over the holoscreen tinkering away. Vyn's contact name popped up, upbeat ringtone shaking Luke out of his focused state. Vyn spoke slowly and clearly, fully aware of his feelings towards you.

When the line went quiet, Luke muttered a "thanks" before hanging up.

His eyes dulled, processing what he'd just been told. The screwdriver he was holding was tossed across the desktop.

Luke's hands slid into his hair and his breathing was ragged. All at once, his hands tightened, fisting his hair, and he screamed. You were gone and there was nothing he could do. Bloodied in an alley, all dreams of cardiology and fulfillment lost.

As much as Luke denied it, nothing could change the fact that a guy with a knife had taken all you would ever be for the paper in your wallet.

》》¤

The NXX was worried about Luke. He hadn't contacted anyone, even Rosa, since Vyn's phone call, and that had been just over a week ago.

So, when Luke called the NXX during a meeting, it's safe to say Rosa rushed to accept.

"Luke? Luke, are you okay?"

"... That's Raven to you," he laughed, if you could call it that. His voice was thick with sleep, and the rasp in the back of his throat didn't bode well.

"Luke," Artem interjected. "What's going on? Why the radio silence?

"I did some digging over the past week or so. They… Apothecary was murdered. Someone under Heirson. And it isn't his first time. I just need to find him."

Marius slammed a fist on the holotable in front of him and placed his head in his hands. "You mean to tell me one of my dearest friends was murdered and you didn't think I should be kept in the loop? Get your ass over here, Raven. I don't care how much you loved them, I did too. You're going to bring all your material on their case within the next half hour, or so help me—"

The dial tone was deafening.

"Marius! We haven't heard from him in a week!" Rosa couldn't help the outburst. She knew Marius had been grieving heavily, especially since he was the only member who knew their name having been friends prior to their admission into the NXX, but that didn't excuse his reaction. Rosa couldn’t help her small outburst. She understood that Marius was grieving heavily, having been friends with you prior to your invitation to the NXX.

Vyn sighed as Marius was scolded for being so insensitive. "I'll make tea," he resigned.

The three still in headquarters were confused by the five cups on the tray Vyn brought down until the gentle doorbell tone chimed through the building around ten minutes later.

Luke was on the CCTV outside, manilla folders tucked under one arm and a duffel bag slung over the opposite shoulder. Artem sent Rosa to answer the door, allowing her a moment of privacy with her childhood friend. A few minutes passed before Luke and Rosa entered the headquarters, allowing the work to begin.

》》¤

“He’s going to Nation A! That bastard is trying to run.” Marius finally made some headway, startling the whole group.

“There’s no extradition there,” Artem said. “A wise choice, if by some chance Darius was able to convict someone with friends in places as high as Heirson, he’d escape all punishment.”

“Not necessarily.”

Everyone’s eyes were on Vyn, who looked deep in thought after his statement. “Having reviewed all information available on the culprit, he’s deeply obsessed with, among other things, seeing… projects through.”

“There’s nothing to see through,” Luke droned.

The group was unsettled by the change in Luke, even after an hour, of him acting… lifeless. Rosa, however, knew better. She could see the smoldering embers of a violent rage burning beneath the surfaces of his glassy eyes. He tended to act similarly, although not nearly as intensely, when clients were killed, but he recovered quickly compared to some. Rosa hoped it would be the same this time.

“Ah, but there is. He couldn’t stick around after staging the mugging, as it was done somewhere semi-public to ensure it was discovered quickly. Yes, while him fleeing Stellis is bad news, we’re fortunate that,” Vyn looked Luke in the eye. “He will be at their funeral.”

Any hopes Rosa had of a speedy recovery for Luke quickly disintegrated in the flames he held within, blazing brighter than she’d ever seen them.

》》¤

Of course it was raining. It always did, didn’t it? The overcast sky rolled with distant thunder, a fitting testament to Luke’s current state. Yes, he had already planned to attend the funeral, but now he had a secondary goal in mind.

Luke and Marius shared a silent car ride to the funeral venue. Marius was a bit unsteady at the wheel, but made it on time despite his own nerves and the odd waves of unnatural calm Luke exuded.

Marius parked at the venue and turned to Luke. “I’m a well-known face, and even though Heirson doesn’t know the role I play in the NXX, my real name is still common knowledge. Yours, however, is not, and I’d like to keep it that way. Y/N absolutely told their family about you as Raven and that lowlife will be here, so you'll be at risk if you use your real name. I'm so sorry, Luke. I know how much you… yeah. I'll see you in there, wait just a bit so we don't go in together."

Luke felt a bit like a dog watching its owner leave it in the car with the windows cracked, but he paid it no mind. Instead, he thought about you. He missed you, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to see you in the casket, but he knew he had to. Not only would that be the final nail in the proverbial coffin, but he couldn’t wait to get his hands on the man that killed you. Figuratively, of course. There was so much he couldn’t say, so much he couldn’t do… He’d prepared himself to spend what time with you he could, but that was under the assumption that he would die first. Now that the shoe was on the other foot, he couldn’t believe he was ready to subject you to this.

Enough time had passed, so Luke wiped his eyes, left the car, and locked the doors.

He sucked in a breath to steal himself as he crossed the threshold, but it quickly escaped in a silent groan. A sign-in sheet. He really didn't like that he had to use his codename, but somehow, writing it made it real.

Luke abandoned his neat handwriting and scribbled out 'Raven' before dropping the pen to the clipboard. Exchanging a few hushed greetings was easy, but things got a lot harder when Luke entered the main room.

The first thing he saw was a photo of you propped up on a tripod with the words 'In loving memory of Y/N L/N.' Oh, god, he just realized something. Not only did you never know how he felt, but you never even knew his name. Luke silently mouthed your name, your identity, to himself, somehow both unfamiliar and comforting all at once. The next thing he saw was your coworkers, who recognized him in kind and greeted him briefly. Next, he saw your casket.

It was open, your serene face on display. He couldn't help but remember the ghost of your warmth on his side and that same expression as you slept with your head on his chest. Your soft breathing, the beeping of the heart monitor—

"Excuse me? Are you Raven?"

Luke quickly looked at who was getting his attention. It was your mother, you'd shown him pictures of her a few times. However, her eyes were far more red now than in any photo he'd seen, for obvious reasons.

"Ah, yes! Yes I am," he said, shaking your mother's outstretched hand.

"Y/N spoke about you often, I’m glad you’re here. They always said I’d like you.”

Luke felt his heart fall to ashes. NXX be damned, he was going to have this. He needed it. His hand in his pocket gripped the ungifted pin like a lifeline.

Luke directed his next words to your mother, but his eyes were fixed on you.

“Please, miss. Call me Luke.”

#file retrieved!#tears of themis #tears of themis x reader #luke pearce x reader #tot luke x reader

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shra-vasti · 4 years

Text

MAKES ME WONDER [5/40] The Parting

→ Synopsis : Your dream to attend a Seventeen concert was finally coming true but you weren't prepared for the events that were going to follow after Joshua made eye contact with you and chose to make you his partner for the mini game and take you out on a date as a winning prize.

→ Genre : fluff with a pinch of angst

→ Type : Idol x fan au

→ Word count : 1.5k

→ Taglist :@mngyuheart @vannie24 @uglyratlmao @rjsmochii @dwcljh @noniesgirl (let me know if you want to be added to the taglist)

→ Pairing : idol!Joshua x fan!reader

→ Main Seventeen Masterlist

→ Makes Me Wonder Masterlist

"Wow, I never felt so good while doing something so rebellious and troublesome."

The grin on your face widened when you took a look at his disheveled self, both of you trying your best at catching your breath.

He was not the perfect Joshua everyone sees on camera, you could see the blood in his veins all across his tan skin, glistening in sweat but still managed to take your breath away.

It was truly a sight to behold.

You bend down, holding your knees and watch him do the same before he extends his hand towards you which you gladly took.

"First thing first let's find some accessories to disguise my face, I don't want to take any risk of getting spotted in the streets like this, don't want you to be in trouble because of me."

You would have understood him if he had said he wanted to protect his image while looking for a disguise but you couldn't help the endearing feeling erupting in your chest at his words.

He cared enough to not get you in trouble instead of thinking about himself, his first thought was your safety.

You had to remind yourself that you are his fan, just a fan who managed to be lucky enough to receive a rose from him, dance with him and go on a date with him which led you here, you won't see him after today and the thought made your heart break.

You felt him tug your hand making you look up at him to see him confusingly staring at you.

"What are you thinking? I was calling you from the past 2 minutes, come one take me to a shop so I could get a cap or something."

"I know a shop near this area, let's go."

You unconsciously intertwined your fingers with him as you led him towards the shop which you were talking about, he let you drag him, his eyes trained in yours and his intertwined hands.

A small simple crept up on his face, his hand gripped yours firmly, he was astonished at how perfect your hands fit his.

He wasn't sure if he was allowed to feel the emotion he was currently feeling, you were his fan but he couldn't help but look forward to the rest of his day.

He knew you had something in you which kept him hooked since the time he first laid his eyes on you but what kept him wanting to be closer to you was the fact that you were treating him as a person rather than an idol.

He never once saw you behaving all crazy or too nervous, never heard you gush about how handsome he was or how you could even die for him, heck he was ever more astonished at the fact that you hadn't asked him for his autograph or a selca.

You made sure to maintain your boundaries, you didn't try to ask him about his personal life and didn't really care about anything related to his idol life only caring when he told you how he wish to escape this life for once and here you were granting him his wish knowing that you could be dragged in it too.

He found himself inside a small shop with lots of adorable accessories.

"Here it will suit you."

You put a big pair of sunglasses on his eyes before wrapping up his neck with a thick scarf which covered half of his face.

He looked at the small mirror satisfied with his disguise.

"Don't cover up too much , you'll attract attention."

"You're right."

You smiled at him widely before holding his hand again and taking him out of the shop.

"You see there's this restaurant down there where not many people come but the food there is so tasty and every seat of them is divided by small cabinets like walls for privacy so even if anyone was there inside with us they won't see us."

He just watched you gush about this particular restaurant you were leading him to and with each expression on your face he felt himself getting more drowned by you and his heart filled up with adoration.

Both of you reached the restaurant and made your order.

"Are you happy?"

"More than I could even explain, it feels nice going around walking without worrying if anyone will see me, being able to enjoy myself without being surrounded by fans or cameras or crew."

He leaned on the table, putting his elbow on it as he looked at your face.

"Then I'm happy that I could make you happy."

He laughed and nodded his head before reaching for your hand and giving it a squeeze.

"Thank You so much for today and everything you had done for me and also for paying for these since I didn't bring anything with me."

You frantically waved your hands in the air dismissing his gratitude.

"Think of them as my gift to you."

Both of you continued to eat in silence, neither of you talked but the silence wasn't awkward, it was rather comforting.

"You know-" you looked at him as he ordered the dessert for both of you and talk when the waiter left, "-I know I have said thank you before this but I can't really express how much greatful I'm feeling that you came in my life, I mean since you are my fan you may know that I wanted to quit if it wasn't for Jeonghan and ever since then even if I felt everything was so overwhelming I still tried my best and I always try to be the best version of me, but sometimes things get suffocating and hard that all I want to do is cry but then again I remember I'm an idol and if it cry it would ruin my makeup, my stylist often says that idols don't have feelings they don't cry."

You could feel your eyes getting filled up with tears as he explained to you and you let him share all of his worries with you, if you share pain it divides after all.

"Joshua, sometimes it's okay to break down, you aren't weak, I can only imagine how hard it may have been for you especially during the time when Seungcheol and Jeonghan were on hiatus but know that we will always be there for you."

You didn't even realize you were crying till he wiped your tears with his hands and he wondered how he was lucky enough to find someone like you even if it was just for a day.

▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️

"Don't get me wrong but do you have a boyfriend?"

You were standing in front of the hotel he was staying at as he asked you the said question while both of you waited for your cab to arrive.

"No I don't, I mean I did have one but we didn't end up on good terms."

He nodded his head, stuffing his hands inside his pocket.

"I'll miss you, I hope you'll meet soon somewhere in the future."

Your eyes met his and you weren't sure what he actually wanted to decipher through them.

"I'll miss you too, I was lucky enough to have a date with you let alone be able to spend a whole day with you, I couldn't ask for more, I hope you'll take proper rest and tell others the same too."

It didn't felt right for both of you, Joshua wanted the day to be just a bit more long, he didn't want to leave you yet, he wasn't sure why he was feeling like that but the thought of this being the last time he ever sees your face or be in your presence made his heart feel emotions he never felt, it was almost as if his heart dreaded the thought.

He wasn't sure because it hadn't been much time since he knew you, heck he didn't even know you existed 2 days back and yet here he was aching to hold you back and tell you to not live when you waved him goodbye and got inside of the cab.

You quickly shut the cab's door without giving him a second glance because you knew if you did you would change your mind and hug him tight.

You weren't supposed to feel so strongly for your idol, you weren't allowed to, you were just a fan supporting your idol so you didn't know why the tears were continuously slipping from your eyes at the thought that you wouldn't be able to be that near him ever again.

You didn't understand why you felt like it was your responsibility to take all of his pain away, you didn't understand why your heart was aching.

He would get busy after 2 weeks of vacation and he'll forget about you, you'll just be a vivid memory to be if not a forgotten one, you were just another fan among the sea of many others, there were lots of female idols with more perfect features, it wouldn't require him much time to forget about you but somehow those thoughts managed to hurt you more than it were supposed to console you.

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ask-ethari-anything · 4 years

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Sooooo...I'm gonna need a story of a time where a) Runaan got very jealous and b) you got very jealous. And no Moonshadow-y workarounds, either ("he got the last cookie and I really wanted it!"). Specifically when a hot guy was jonesing on your dude and you didn't like it and vice versa. There are no judgments here, just tapping my fingertips together in delight. Indulge us?

You’re going to need these stories, huh? Well then… *rolls up my sleeves* Here we go.

Did you ever wonder why Runaan was so persistent in pursuing me? We all know he’s terrible at flirting.

He wasn’t the only one trying to court me. Sure, he didn’t know what he was doing, but he needed to try, because if he didn’t, he might’ve lost me to another elf. No, don’t worry, he really wouldn’t have, but he didn’t know that at the time!

Who was this other elf, you ask? One of the village bakers. Runaan and I connected over weapons, because he came to me in my workshop. But Salvar and I connected over tasty food, because I would taste test his new creations for him. He saw me walking past one day, just as he needed a second opinion, and my feedback was so enthusiastic that he asked me to come help him another time, too! Well, I couldn’t say no to that. So I’d pop by and he’d feed me whatever he’d made. And a bite dragged out into snacks and then full meals.

Let’s just say I was a lot more visible out in the village, eating Salvar’s treats, than I was alone in my workshop with Runaan. It made Runaan feel very concerned for the trajectory of his courtship.

Jealous. He got jealous.

And then they found out about each other.

Most people would seriously consider backing off the moment they realized they were up against an assassin, no matter the context. Not even Moonshadows have that little self-preservation. But Salvar is not most people. He’s a few inches shorter than I am, slender as a whip, and very feisty. He’s good at what he does, and he knows it, but he can take things a bit too far…

Why do I find such elves attractive? These two were just different knives. One for the kitchen, and one for the hearts of his enemies. *sighs* I do have a type. And I do like plenty of social interaction. Why rush things? Even if I had made up my mind.

Anyway. one day, there was a bustle at Salvar’s bakery when I came by. He’d put a cake in his oven, shut the oven door, and when he opened it again there was an arrow right through the cake and its pan. He hadn’t left the kitchen. And it wasn’t an enchantment. He was pretty twitchy when I asked him what happened, and he just gestured imperiously to his arrowed pan.

We all knew whose arrow that was. We knew.

I couldn’t help myself. I started laughing uncontrollably. Of all the things Runaan could’ve done–lurking in Salvar’s rafters, poisoning his tea, challenging him to a duel–he shot his cake. With an arrow. Just as Salvar closed the oven door. Runaan had been hiding right nearby–somehow–and left his mark, and his intentions, unmistakably clearly. And he’d done it without threatening Salvar at all. A very Moonshadow tactic.

And I thought it was adorable. So soft, really, for an assassin’s skill set. Salvar was less impressed. But the fact that I was laughing so hard at what might’ve passed for a hard prank under other circumstances told me–and Salvar–that it would be better for him to move on. I’d made up my mind.

Salvar let me down easy, and I started cooking for myself again, with no hard feelings. That’s the beauty of Moonshadow courtship. The plausible deniability is astounding. And later, Runaan invited him to cater our wedding.

Victory flex? Generous winner? Just a good Moonshadow? This is Runaan we’re talking about. It was all three.

Now, me getting jealous? Hmm. That’s not really in my nature. On the other hand, I do have a really hot husband, and he’s occasionally attracted some intense attention that neither of us were interested in. You’d think Runaan would be good at saying no to that sort of thing–and usually he’s the first–but sometimes things get complicated.

We’d been courting properly for just a couple of months when the Silvergrove got visitors. A squad of veteran assassins assembled from all over the Moonshadow Forest, come to brush up everyone’s skill’s because there were rumors that trouble was brewing along the border and Runaan and his teammates might be getting a lot more work. Well, that got us all to pay attention. Runaan especially. He takes the defense of his people very seriously.

So he was out at all hours, sometimes for days, training extra hard, running trial missions with his squad, learning these veterans’ hard-won combat skills. When I’d see him, he was exhausted and sore and more focused than ever. He told me he wished he had more time to spend with me, but this was very important to him. So of course I let him train all he wanted, and I did everything I could to take care of him when he wasn’t. That boiled down to feeding him and tucking him in, and telling everyone that he needed his rest.

And then I talked to Lain about the assassins’ training schedule one day. And Lain told me that not everyone was training like Runaan was. That one of the older asasssins was working privately with Runaan on some kind of “fast track skill set” that would give him a whole new set of skills and put him on the path to becoming a good leader for the Silvergrove assassins.

Of course Runaan wanted that. Very much. And I wanted it for him. But something in my chest felt a little rebellious. Why just Runaan? Why not teach these techniques to every assassin and let them all decide who would make a good leader? They already know each other well. An outsider won’t know their strengths and weaknesses like they do.

By the time I started walking Runaan to morning training, a few weeks had gone by. He introduced me to his advanced trainer, Kelvik, and the moment our eyes met, I knew I’d been right to worry. The look he gave me when he realized Runaan had a boyfriend clearly said “How quaint. But I’m here now. You can go.”

Spoilers: I did not go.

I asked Runaan if he could avoid training with Kelvik, since he clearly had designs on him. And, bless him, Runaan said he’d been trying for the past week to shimmy away without making a fuss. But Kelvik was just as intense and subtle as Runaan is, and they both knew that everything came down to Runaan’s sense of duty. He’d do whatever it took to learn to keep his people safe. And Kelvik was teaching him that. Slowly and deliberately.

And then one day Runaan wouldn’t look me in the eye after he was finally finished training. And I knew that, whatever had happened, it had just gone too far. I was done being soft. My elf needed me, and I fully planned to step up for him. No one hurts my baby. I kissed his cheek and held him softly and told him that I’d make everything okay. And he just nodded against my shoulder.

There was a village dance that night. Runaan and I went together, hand in hand, as always. But I told him to sit with Lain and Tiadrin and chat. And I told them to make sure he stayed sitting. No matter what happened. Because I really wasn’t sure how my plan would play out–plans are more Runaan’s thing than mine. I just wanted him to stay safe, though. That’s all I cared about.

So I sat my boyfriend at a table at the edge of the dancing green and sauntered right up to Kelvik as he stood with his own squad and asked him to dance with me.

And the Moon granted me a boon just then–the rest of his squad looked between him and me with expressions that told me they knew exactly what was going on. And that was the last bit of courage I needed. I held out my hand with a bright cheery smile–Moonshadows can hide all kinds of things behind a smile, especially when they’ve got nothing to lose–and Kelvik took it.

I whirled him around the green with my best, most graceful moves. After the first dance, he begrudgingly complimented me on my skills. And tried to let go of my hands.

I squeezed. Hard.

“Oh, I’m not done with you yet. Dance with me again! This next one’s a real favorite.”

And he was too confused to say no. So we danced again. And I slowly started crushing his hands every time we touched. He gasped and winced, and I just smiled broadly and kept up the small talk.

I didn’t let him go after the second dance, either.

Halfway through the third dance, he finally blurted, “What do you want, Ethari?”

And through my cheery smile, I told him, “I want to break you in half, Kelvik. Can you convince me not to?” And then I snapped a bone in his hand.

He hid it well. He was an assassin, after all. But he’d opened the floodgates, and I couldn’t stop talking as I swirled and stepped alongside him. “Your selfishness is endangering everything Runaan holds dear. He just wants to be a good assassin, to protect his people and his squad. You’re using that to get close to him, and he doesn’t feel he can say no. So I’m saying it for him. If he comes home one more time and can’t look me in the eye because you can’t keep your boundaries straight, I will very cheerfully hunt you down and disassemble you. I’m very good with moving parts, and I have a bigger collection of knives than you do.”

I dipped him at the end of the dance, squeezed his broken hand, and said cheerily, “Is this in any way unclear to you?”

He growled up at me, “You’ve made your point, craftsman. No need to keep stabbing me with it.”

I hauled him up, gave him a jaunty bow, and headed back to have a drink with my boyfriend and my friends. Runaan looked at me, wide-eyed, as I joined him and the others. “What… did you say? I’ve never seen him look like that before. I think you actually worried him.”

I pressed a soft kiss against Runaan’s cheek and clinked my glass against his. “Just telling him how it is, my heart. I protect what’s mine, just like you do.”

His cheeks flushed the prettiest moonberry red, and that smile… Moon help me.

Then Lain had to go ruin the moment by saying loudly, “Does this mean we aren’t going to fight anyone?”

I looked across the green and caught Kelvik’s eye again. He’d heard Lain, and he gave me a long look. And then he turned away.

“Not this time,” I said. “This time, we win softly.”

#ask ethari #ethari #runaan #jealousy stories #tdp ficlet #story time

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ladylilithprime · 6 years

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Sastiel Creations Challenge | @ladylilithprime

↳ Theme: One More | Prompt: Day

Fluff Bingo Square: Movie Night

=I Did Not Live Until Today=

Read on AO3

MOVIE NIGHT IN the Bunker had been originally instituted by Dean, and the insistence of Sam that everyone in the Bunker, especially a stressed out and overworked teenaged Prophet of the Lord, needed to take regular breaks to relax and unwind before the constant "go, go, go" made them all go crazy. Hunts would occasionally interrupt the ritual, postpone it for a couple of days, but none of them were allowed more than ten days without a mandatory Movie Night. Dean had insisted that Castiel join these movie nights whenever he was around, intent on "educating" the Angel in what he termed the "classics" of cinema. Castiel had confided privately to Sam that, upon viewing these so-called classics, he was gaining more of an understanding of Dean than he was of why the movies were classical, which Sam had assured him was normal.

Movie Night had been weird after the Trials, because Sam would start out watching the movie with Dean and whoever else was there, but suddenly it would be hours later and he wouldn't remember actually watching any of it despite not having moved. In the wake of Crowley showing up in Sam's head with the brothers' code word tripping off his tongue to warn him that he had an angelic passenger who had taken over the driver's seat, Sam figured he knew what had happened and maybe he felt a little tiny flicker of gratitude for Gadreel sparing him having to watch the monkey movies again, but that was drowned out by the overall feelings of shock and betrayal and rage because how could Dean do this to him?!

It was Sam's decision to continue Movie Night even though it was just him and Castiel in the Bunker now. The original purpose of enforcing a break on overworked humans was still valid, even though now the overworked human was only Sam, and the secondary purpose of introducing Castiel to human entertainment was also still in effect, perhaps even more so after Metatron had downloaded a huge selection of American pop culture into Castiel's head without much in the way of context. Without Dean to steer the selection towards action films and neither of them particularly interested in watching mindless violence and gore, plus Sam's increased aversion to psychological horror films, the movies they watched tended to veer more towards musicals. If Castiel suspected that this, too, might be a bit of Sam's rebellion against Dean's stubborn adherence to mullet rock as the only valid music to listen to, well, he didn't call Sam on it and Sam didn't choose to admit anything.

Tonight was another designated Movie Night, not because it had been too long since the last, but because Sam knew that after the failure of the tracking spell with Gadreel's extracted Grace he, at least, needed something where the fate of the world was less dependant on the outcome. In hindsight, queueing up Les Miserábles was probably not the best idea given the overall setting of the movie and the themes of melancholy and grief that pervaded it, but he suspected Castiel would appreciate the other themes of faith and sacrifice and second chances.

He probably should have expected Castiel's analysis of the story's themes to extend to their lives, but somehow it didn't even occur to him until Castiel blindsided him with an abrupt declaration that Jean Valjean reminded him of Sam.

"I'm sorry?" Sam blurted, not sure he had heard the Angel correctly.

"He is a good man who committed criminal acts for a good cause and was harshly punished for it even after his incarceration ended," Castiel explained, gesturing to the screen where Valjean's pay was docked in front of the other workers, who were openly hostile. "It does not matter to these people that his intentions were noble - to feed his family - or that the crime was relatively minor, all they see is the criminal record and discount the good heart of the man who committed it and is stained by that record in the eyes of the society he serves."

"Cas, that's not... I started the Apocalypse!" Sam said, shaking his head. "That's a good bit worse than stealing a loaf of bread and running."

"You killed a demon," Castiel disagreed. "A demon you had been told by everyone around you was responsible for breaking Seals and that killing her would stop things. You were deliberately not told that she was the final Seal and that killing her would release Lucifer because enough angels, myself included, believed that if you knew the truth then you would not have killed her. Yet you do not blame me for lying to you, or for changing my mind and breaking through my conditioning too late to send Dean in time to stop you. Nor do you blame Dean for breaking under Alistair and being the one to break the first Seal which set things in motion. Instead, you continue to allow people, including Dean who should really know better, to cast the blame for things beyond your control onto your shoulders and even take on blame and responsibility where there should be none, forgetting that any penance required for playing a part long ago set out for you has been more than served."

Sam looked away from Castiel's placid, deeply knowing expression, but found he couldn't focus on the screen until a flash of silver catching light drew his attention. "Look, I don't... whatever redemption I might have earned with jumping has to be cancelled out by the things I did after getting out again, especially all the crap I pulled without my soul--"

"Do you think yourself responsible for your soulless self's actions, even though your soul was still in the Cage being subjected to Michael and Lucifer's torments?" Sam frowned a little at the low notes of guilt and sorrow in the Angel's voice and looked over, but Castiel wouldn't meet his eyes, staring instead at the screen as the old priest backed up Valjean's lie of gifted silver and gave over the candlesticks as well. "Hm. Heaven has not treated you nearly so kindly as this priest does..."

"Castiel," Sam started to reach out, but found his courage falter and lowered his hand with a sigh. "I know you didn't leave my soul behind on purpose. I knew it then, too, even with you keeping secrets and never having mentioned it before that moment... sorry, too, about the holy fire."

"There is no apology necessary," Castiel refuted, though Sam thought he looked moderately grateful for it anyway. "You were right to be suspicious of my actions and motives at the time, if not for that specific reason."

"Still..."

"Sam, I assure you, I hold no ill will over your suspicion of me, nor for your actions to try and stop me. If anything, I am deeply grateful for your continued faith in me even after I had gone off the reservation and done you considerable harm." Castiel shook his head. "We are getting away from the main subject, which is that you are not responsible for the actions your body committed without your soul present."

"It was still my body," Sam argued. "My... impulses or whatever, stripped of my inhibitions--"

"Not true," Castiel interrupted. "Stripped of your higher empathic functions and natural moral compass that is your soul, your body behaved with logical precision not unlike how most Angels would act. While that behavior likely seemed heartless or 'dickish' at times, this was in part because of the contrast to your usual compassion and kindness, but you weren't actively malicious or uncontrolled. Everything, including the decision to go to Dean with the suspicion that something was wrong and to ask him to be your moral compass, was meticulously and logically thought out and reasoned for the most optimal outcome. Recall that your soulless self felt that it was for the best that your soul be retrieved and rejoined with your body, and only rejected the plan when the possibility that doing so would kill you was presented."

"Whereupon I promptly tried to kill Bobby! Cas--"

"Sam," Castiel turned fully to face him and glared at him in a way that reminded Sam forcefully of the fact that this was an Angel of the Lord. "You. Are. Not. To. Blame. Your soulless self attempted to kill a man who showed every sign of being ready to kill you by forcefully reuniting your damaged soul with your body. A soul, I must add, which did not deserve the torment inflicted upon it and to which we owed the continued existence of the human race."

"I was just--"

"Cleaning up your mess, so you've said." Castiel was beginning to look frustrated. "But the Apocalypse was not just your mess. It was Dean's, and mine, and Lucifer's, and Michael's, and every angel and demon and human servant of either side who worked towards setting it off earlier than my Father planned. I would even venture to say that it was my Father's fault for refusing to step in when, despite Raphael's delusions, we had very clear evidence from Joshua that He is still alive and close enough to be aware of the situation." The Angel reached forward then and covered the shell-shocked human's nearest hand with his own. "Your soulless self recognized that, and recognized the unfair imbalance, and quite rightly called us out on our lack of respect for you and your sacrifices. Since regaining your soul, Dean's insistence on leaving past transgressions in the past except when it suits him to drag them out as evidence of culpability and questionable judgement has driven your self-confidence down to the point where you have even allowed Dean to make you believe yourself at fault for not looking for a brother and non-human friend whom you had every reason to believe were dead and at peace.

"No more," Castiel said with a fire in his vessel's blue eyes that had nothing to do with his borrowed Grace. "Sam Winchester, you will listen to me and believe this if nothing else: You. Deserve. Respect. And for my part in allowing others to be negligent in giving you that respect, you have my apologies."

For a long moment, Sam could do nothing more than stare at Castiel, stunned speechless and feeling more than a few echoes of the old awe and wonder with which he had first viewed this Angel of the Lord who had saved his big brother from Hell. It seemed impossible to believe, even with Castiel staring into him and all but demanding that he do so. For all he knew, he had fallen asleep on the couch next to Castiel and all of this was somehow some sort of incredibly vivid dream like the ones he tried to pretend he didn't have about the Angel, because if anything stood a chance at making their current arrangement far more awkward than it ever needed to be....

Castiel must have seen something of his thoughts in his expression, because the intensity faded into sadness and then, before Sam could gather his wits enough to try and reassure him, turned to resolve. "I will remind you of this conversation later, so as to establish better credibility."

"Um..." Sam blinked. That was unexpected. "Okay? Thanks? I'll... work on believing you, Cas, I will, I just...."

"Have several years of conditioning for expecting the worst to work around, as well as the more recent problems with maintained perception of reality," Castiel nodded. "I will remind you as often as is necessary of your worth and worthiness."

Sam nodded, more for the lack of any other way to acknowledge Castiel's words than out of agreement or understanding, jumping a little when the music from the television screen picked up in volume. He turned back to the movie, flushing darkly when he realized that they'd completely missed Fantine's entire arc and Valjean's crisis of conscience, and reached for the remote. "Oh, hey, let me--"

"No, it's--" Castiel's grip on Sam's hand tightened, then released with enough abruptness that Sam found himself stopping anyway, turning questioning eyes on Castiel. "I confess that I have been, ah, 'cheating' with this film, as it is one of the stories that Metatron saw fit to share, though not this particular version."

"Should we put on something else?"

"If that is what you prefer. I am enjoying watching it with you regardless."

It was on the tip of his tongue to ask if that was because of Castiel's bizarre comparisons between Sam and Valjean, but he swallowed it back and instead forced himself to settle back into the couch beside Castiel to watch the introduction to the Thénardier family and Cosette. The silence stretched between them as the music played, until--

"Sam? Why is Thénardier's wife making that gesture when she sings that there is 'not much there'?"

Sam swallowed down the urge to choke or laugh, because of course Castiel would ask about that. He cut a sharp glance in the Angel's direction to check if he was being trolled, but Castiel's expression showed only genuine puzzlement. "Uh... Well, I mean, uh... some guys get kinda hung up on penis size, uh, taking the whole 'bigger is better' idea way too seriously and, uh, thinking that bigger size makes them better able to please their partners, which, uh, really isn't true across the board. And, uh, there are a lot of guys who think that having those, um, extra inches is all they need for it to be good for their partner, which also isn't true." He found himself looking at the screen in a gambit to not have to meet Castiel's eyes, and moments later he pointed. "See, she's saying the line again without the gesture. So, uh, the implication is Thénardier falls doubly short of the mark."

"I see," Castiel said, his tone meditative. With his eyes averted, Sam couldn't see the speculative look the Angel sent in his direction, though he definitely heard the pointedly dry tone when Castiel added, "Mrs Thénardier would do better to find a more skilled pizza man."

Sam jerked his head around to stare at Castiel again, but this time the Angel's expression was the same sort of bland that he used when trolling Dean, and so Sam managed to force out a chuckle for the joke before settling in to watch the dynamics between the Thénardiers and Cosette with its very Cinderella vibe. Castiel muttered something about "punching John Winchester again" that made no sense and Sam wasn't sure he wanted to know about anyway, and then made a brief comment about Cosette's dream being similar to many human interpretations of Heaven, but otherwise said nothing until Valjean told Cosette that he was now her father.

"Another parallel," he said. Sam, who had hoped Castiel had forgotten about his weird fixation by this point, blinked in confusion.

"Uh, Cas, I'm pretty sure I haven't gone and adopted any random kids," he pointed out. Really, that seemed more like something Dean would do than him, Dean actually really liked kids and liked the idea of being a dad while Sam... not so much.

"Random, no," Castiel agreed. "You are, however, extraordinarily compassionate. I suspect that, if presented with an orphaned child whose situation required more specialized guardianship than a more normal human fosterage system could provide, you would be an excellent parental figure." He was silent for a moment, pensive and troubled, and then said, softly, "I had never had Nephilim of my own, nor am I likely to do so in the future, but if I did and was unable to care for the child myself, I would ask you."

"Me?" Sam gaped at him. "I mean, why me? Why not Dean?"

"Dean has an unfortunate history of being less than tolerant of supernatural occurrences, of children with powers beyond most human capabilities," Castiel said, shooting an apologetic glance at Sam even before Sam was aware of wincing. "A Nephil would inevitably have powers, and I am a Seraph. Only an Archangel could overpower and suppress the Grace of a Nephil sired by me, and there are no more Archangels available to do so. You have powers of your own and training in using them, albeit with an enhancement method that I would not recommend using with a Nephil, and would be well suited to teaching."

"Cas, my powers--"

"Are yours and yours alone. Azazel may have forcefully activated them on his own schedule and attempted to corrupt them and, through them, you, but he - and Ruby - failed. Your soul is far too pure and good for their hooks to find permanent anchor."

"But... I mean, you... angels... you always warned me against using them...."

"Only because the method with which you were amplifying them - that is, drinking demon blood - was so dangerous to you and the people around you, and training them to full strength properly after first tearing down Azazel's blocks would have taken considerably more time and effort... and, I suspect, those of my superiors actively assisting in bringing about the Apocalypse did not want you learning to use your powers without the addictive crutch of demon blood that could be used to prime your rage and point you at Lilith when the time came."

"So why are you just now telling me this?"

"Well," Castiel glanced away, looking somewhat sheepish. "To be honest, I did not realize that you were unaware that your powers were innate and not actually demonic in origin until I overheard you speaking of them in past tense as if they no longer existed because you were no longer drinking demon blood rather than you simply not using them. Given my clumsy understanding of social nuances and the complex mix of negative emotions you associate with your powers, I erred on the side of caution and did not mention it until our current conversation provided an opening."

Well. That was fair. Even so, Sam couldn't help but stare at Castiel as he attempted to process everything he had learned in such a short amount of time. The fact that the majority of Angels hated him was not new, but the fact that Heaven had actively sabotaged his efforts to be better than the demon blood that tainted him was... also not new, exactly, but Sam had never expected to hear it put so bluntly in conjunction with reassurance that his powers - and, by extension, Sam himself - did not come from a source of evil.

Even more bewildering was the hypothetical child Castiel spoke of and his assertion that Sam, not Dean who had always longed to be a parent, but Sam who had barely ever had anything to do with children even when he had been one, was to be given custody of the hypothetical Nephil if Castiel was incapacitated. The way Castiel had talked about the subject made it clear that he had never had Nephilim himself, and Sam knew that the creation of Nephilim was outlawed, and yet the Angel was sitting there, calm as you please, declaring that if he did ever have a child with a human and needed another parent besides himself and, presumably, the mother, that he would pick Sam. Sam, who was uncomfortable around kids at the best of times, even if he could fake passable competence in an emergency. Sam, who wouldn't trust himself to look after a completely human baby, never mind one that had "phenomenal cosmic powers" at its disposal. Sam who, until earlier when Castiel had declared that "nothing is worth losing you", had thought that Castiel might possibly consider him a friend at best and tolerated him as a reasonably useful asset at worst. Mind-boggling just didn't cover it.

And that wasn't even touching the whole thing with Castiel sounding like he was defending the actions of his soulless self. The subject of Sam's time topside without his soul was something Dean had never hesitated shut down hard, but Castiel had sounded almost... complimentary. Which made no sense, Sam knew, because without his soul he had been a tactless jerk, not--

"Your soulless self recognized that... and quite rightly called us out on our lack of respect for you and your sacrifices."

Sam swallowed against the lump forming in his throat, and again when it refused to be dislodged. Everything he did to help people, to try and make up for the damage he had caused, it never felt like enough. All the centuries spent in the Cage with Michael and Lucifer systematically taking out their rage on him amounted to only a year and a half on Earth, and the tortures blurred together to the point where Sam had long since lost count of how many centuries it had really been, shoving it down and shoving it down, his shaky forays into meditation and reshuffling his mind only managing to build the flimsiest of fences between his conscious mind and that echoing chasm of memory and pain, bits and pieces escaping here and there to scratch along his dreams. Little reminders that he may be out, maybe, but he would never be truly free. It was a truth, cold and logical and inexorable, that Dean refused to acknowledge in either of them, touched by Hell as they both were in different ways, and neither of them coping nearly as well as they wanted the other to believe.

"Stripped of your higher empathic functions and natural moral compass that is your soul, your body behaved with logical precision not unlike how most Angels would act."

The irony of an Angel of the Lord comparing his soulless self to other Angels was not lost on Sam, nor was the way that comparison gave him mixed feelings. All the years of praying, of believing in God and His Angels, having faith that some higher power was watching out for Dean and his Dad when he couldn't, that there was real good in the world to counterbalance all the evil being shoved at him from all sides...

"Sam Winchester, the boy with the demon blood."

...no....

"Nothing is worth losing you."

...but why....

"Sam? Sam, did you hear me?"

"Hm?" Jolted from his contemplating, Sam shot a guilty look first at the screen - how had he missed that much of the movie?! - and then gave Castiel a sheepish smile. "Sorry, Cas. What were you saying?"

"I was asking about Marius's assertion that he is in love with Cosette, when he has only just met her and barely interacted with her at all," Castiel repeated himself after a moment of scrutiny for his friend. "It seems disingenuous, more like the 'love' of the pizza man and the babysitter."

"It's supposed to be love at first sight, Cas," Sam explained, scrubbing a hand down his face. "It's like... when two people who've never interacted before meet, and there's this... connection that forms between them, like they click on a level that is deeper than physical or emotional. A look, a touch of hands... you just know, looking at that person, that this is it. This is the one." He shrugged. "It's talked about in books and movies and stories and songs all the time as this big romantic ideal, a lot like soulmates... uh, cupid-type soulmates, not me and Dean type soulmates."

"Do you not believe in love at first sight?" Castiel asked, tilting his head to the side with that puzzled curiosity that Sam found endearingly familiar.

"I don't disbelieve in it," Sam said, choosing his words carefully. "I mean, being a hunter has taught me that every story has some root in a truth. I just don't necessarily think that it always happens the way the stories make it sound. Like maybe sometimes it's one-sided, or something gets in the way like they live too far apart or one is already married or..." Sam bit his lip before he could continue the thought with mention of angels and humans, because he knew from Castiel that most instances of humans and angels coupling were less about romance and love and more about lust and awkward power imbalances, and the last thing he wanted to bring up right now was the hypothetical Nephil again. "Besides, just because love usually happens more slowly than a couple of seconds doesn't make it any less deep or meaningful or special."

"I see," Castiel hummed, and then, "Sam? How do you know when you're in love?"

...Shit.

"Uh," Sam reached up to rub the back of his neck, only to force his hand back down again when he realised what he was doing. "It's different for everyone, Cas...."

"I am aware," and there was a definite note of impatience in the gravelled voice. "I am asking how you know when you are in love."

"Oh," Sam mumbled. He could feel his face heating up and very nearly prayed that the heat wasn't a visibly obvious blush before he stopped himself; Castiel would probably hear it if he did. "Uh, well... not to sound like a broken record, but it was different for everyone I was... I mean, I felt differently about different people, even though it's all still love."

Castiel made an encouraging noise, and when Sam chanced a look in his direction, the Angel was turned more towards him than the screen, clearly interested and wanting to hear more. Well, okay then. Sam leaned back into the couch and closed his eyes, reaching back into the depths of his memory for the times he was in love or thought he was, shying away from some of the memories like Madison or Sarah or Amelia, and focusing on the deeper ones, the ones that got under his skin and stayed there across the years, even just as scars. There was a pattern there, a set of feelings that overlapped each instance.

"Happiness," he began, because that was the obvious place to start. "When you see the person, you feel happy. Being around them, sitting next to them, holding hands, hugging... full of happiness and joy and peace. You feel happy when they're happy, sad when they're sad, hurt when they're in pain... You want to protect them, even when you know they can protect themselves. You would fight, kill, even die for them, not because they would ever ask it of you, but because losing them is... unthinkable. It's agony. And all the pain is worth it, because seeing them smile is... it's better than Heaven."

"Oh," Castiel breathed. "Yes, that... that makes so much sense now."

There was a shuffling sound, and the couch cushions dipped beneath shifting weight, and then Sam felt one of his hands being enfolded in Castiel's, the skitter of that unfamiliar Grace held tightly leashed beneath his skin tingling just at the edge of Sam's awareness. He opened his eyes and looked at Castiel, who was beaming at him now from much closer than he had been. "Cas...?"

"Sam," Castiel was still smiling, but it was warmer, softer than the brilliant joy of before, more comfortable and... "Thank you for sharing your feelings with me. I was never able to explain myself adequately to my brothers, and so they frequently drew incorrect conclusions that I lacked the necessary frame of reference to refute or correct. Perhaps now I can make them understand."

"Understand?"

"That I am in love with you, Sam Winchester," Castiel squeezed Sam's hand gently. "My world started the day I took your hand. And I would not have it any other way."

"Cas... I...." He couldn't say it. He wanted to, God, did he ever want to say it back, but the words caught in his throat, too used to being choked back after so many years. "Cas...."

"I know. Sam? Will you hold me again? I enjoyed that quite a lot."

"Sure, Cas," Sam shifted, shoving the whirling of his thoughts back and away, and opened his arms. Castiel released his hand and moved closer, pressing the length of his body against Sam's. He let out a soft sigh as Sam brought his arms up to curl around Castiel, settling in a loose embrace that still managed to fully encompass the Angel's smaller physical frame. Together, they turned to watch the movie, wrapped up in each other and the mutual assurance that their feelings, spoken or not, were returned.

"Tomorrow we'll discover what our God in Heaven has in store...."

=End=

#sastiel #sastielcc #sastiel creations challenge #spn fluff bingo #supernatural fic

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mariakov81 · 2 years

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Hii dear ❤️ how are you doing ❤️

Can I have a free future spouse and career reading pls 🙏

Thank you

Myself capriate

Hi! Thank you for your ask! You gave not so much information on the situation, so I tried a new spread for me which is called Who is my future spouse. It assumes that you haven't met yet. It doesn't give dates or period of time. Just information of the person who is meant to be a spouse. Please don't take it too serious. Treat it like a game.

1 — How the meeting will happen

2, 3, 4, 5 — Cards describing the person

6 — Emotional potential

7 — Intellectual potential

8 — Material potential

9 — Social status

10 — Spiritual potential

11 — What are his thoughts about love

12 — Past relationship experience

13 — Readiness to new relationships

14 — How you relationship is going to develop

In general - the meeting could happen because of some older man, he can influence it somehow. It can also mean a party, because it is King of Cups and maybe some family celebration?

From the cards describing the person I could tell that the person is young, dark haired, loyal and enthusiastic. He can be under influence of some woman. He could be emotional and sad, regretting the things he lost (maybe his past relationship?). He could have a potential in him and be determined towards his goals.

He is romantic and emotional, he wants to meet someone, he has a critical mind, maybe sometimes he could say some evil or sarcastic jokes, but that is why he uses an attack as a defense. In material sense he could be still dependent on his family and be like a kid sometimes. His social status - he works, his job is a routine job, he does the same things every day to be paid ( like all of us). Again he is a bit naïve and open-hearted.

Maybe that is why he is looking for a woman who is is strong, understanding, empathetic, and willing to take others under her wing. He had a past relationship experience and a good one. But now he is eager to start new relationship. Unfortunately cards didn't want to show the development of the relationship - they showed High Priestess, but I think it's for the better.

As for the career (again do not take it too seriously) I asked about the career development in 2022. So you are ready to work, you are hard working. You may start your carrier in something non-commercial, something that require a lot of emotions, creativity, drawing. But in regards of money it might not be very profitable this year, this will be your investment for future.

And after that I asked in what sphere you could benefit and the cards said

Sun -Careers in leadership, storytelling. Fun jobs. Outdoor jobs. Self-realisations. Working with people with kids, education. 7 of cups and Moon can suggest something creative - fantasy illustrator, acting, internet advertising, writing, photography, show business.

#anon tarot readings #free tarot readings #future spouse spread #carrier readings #asks #answered asks

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paganchristian · 3 years

Photo

A picture I took out the window, a peaceful ride in the country, the rolling hills, the cows, the clouds, the blurry images streaming by like a tape, a childhood feeling, memories of gazing at the sun or the moon out the window and the ribbons of powerlines dancing, how beautiful they felt to me then, how full of happiness they seemed to be, dancing in such lovely curves, in rhythm with the music on the radio.

It reminds me of something simpler, more innocent, and more joyful, and more hidden, from the world, untouched, unseen, unfound, but wholly at home, loved and belonging, not alone, just almost yet unborn, living in a cocoon where the smaller and more simple the world, the better it is, and if the only other creatures who know me best are my other friends who are children. And we all inhabit a secret world where innocence is everything and nothing but innocence exists. My sisters, though, weren’t that innocent and kind in all ways, to me. And disturbing things had already taken root in me, in religious obsessive confusion, at that young age, and a feeling of numbness was starting to settle in, and a repression of my natural personality had already begun to work its way into my life. It’s visible in home videos where my behavior began to change, and though no one says they knew why, I recall that a teacher was an influence upon me, to stifle my joy and exuberance, and as submissive as I had been taught at home too to be, I willingly shrank into a tiny shell. But if I just vaguely let my memory rewind itself into the territory of faulty memories and feelings that tell more than facts, I can tap into a sense of pure innocence that I think is actually a mixture of reality, and fiction, and wishes and present tense life that has let me regain a feeling of childhood again, and paradise regained.

I think that my relative is reachable, if only I reach them in such a delicate way, and I found and really saw and wanted to read again, this book I’d gotten, about mental health issues, certain mental health conditions they have. It’s been sitting there but something just suddenly made me want to read it again, so eventually I may, though I’m having some difficulty with it, because I feel depressed by the subject matter. I feel unsure that it will really help me. Their particular manifestation of this condition is not typical and I don’t know if the book addresses this variation. But maybe I can find other books or good websites that address that particular variation of the condition. And really that condition might be a secret locked door that will let me reach them much better, if I can find the key to open things, because it is well known to have tremendous impacts on relationships of all kinds. Whether it extends to our family relationship, they seem to have the idea that it doesn’t but after all I’ve read, and sensed and they have seemed to hint, I wonder if it does. I wonder if I could help them much better with their problems if I understand all this, and yet, this condition is notoriously hard to treat so maybe it is more of a matter of accepting what is. Sometimes it’s treatable but often it seems to be very resistant to treatment, unless the person with the condition t is very willing to cooperate.

And I’m not a therapist of course and they’re not coming to me for psychological treatment, yet sometimes loved ones can help far more than therapy, as was the case for me, with my bipolar and anxiety, and yet my case was different, by far, than average. And the loved ones and friends helped a while, but then I changed myself over decades of struggle and isolation and being totally alone and unable to voice my feelings to those who didn't’ care any longer (and therapy and drugs didn’t help either, but I was never treated for bipolar type 2/cyclothmia, only depression, so not sure about that aspect of the drugs). Sometimes family and friends and loved ones can help, other times not. Then the ones who helped me eventually turned their backs on me, but maybe it was too much, maybe it’s more of a burden than most can stand after a while.

Even therapists are often depressed and they have one of the highest suicide rates of the occupations, I think I read. It makes sense, if you think of the burdens they are feeling if they can’t help but feel overwhelmed by all they hear from others and then not being able to help them, as often people don’t respond well to treatment, and then therapist likely was attracted to that occupation because of relating and sympathizing with those suffering, which means they are more likely to be depressed or vulnerable to depression or mental illness, you would think, than the average population. It’s not uncommon for therapist to have their own therapists too.

But anyway, if I just have to accept my relative’s issues rather than help them, because their mental condition is often not responsive to treatments, well, ok. And that makes me think, about the idea that maybe sometimes we can’t even stand to see our flaws, and it will destabilize us if we do, and not only that, but we need to be validated in our wrong ideas, so that we feel like we have a sense of purpose and worth, and it’s really strange to think of that. Usually people don't think that way and yet I have lived that out myself and it really feels, looking back, that I did need that. As long as it doesn’t do any kind of harm to anyone and it’s the best you can do, then maybe sometimes people are so trapped in their delusions in certain ways for the time being that they might need that.

I think that I don’t have to worry so much about upsetting the fragile balance of my family member, if I just don’t go too in depth or say too many things that seem too challenging, too judgmental, or whatever, about their issues. Not that I’d say it as criticism or advice or even suggestions directly aimed at them anyway, but just like I said, if I made a blog or wrote letters or made a website or whatever like that and shared it with them, this is my life, my interests, and instead of expecting you to be interested I will just give this to you to do as you so choose, to read it, or not, to respond or not. It’s not directed at you, just a depiction of my life, my life story, my interests, my passions, the things I’d share if I felt I could share, but since I don’t want it to be a burden or an obligation, since I feel like maybe I’m too far out on a limb for anyone to relate to all that much, I will just share it in this distant, kind of detached way.

If you really want to talk and enjoy responding to what I say, maybe we can find new things to talk about but if not we already talk a lot, every once in a blue moon, which is enough for me. This is just throwing this out there, just in case we can be even closer than we are (We are now already close in this rarely talking but I trust and love you so much kind of way, even if we don’t need to talk much, maybe couldn’t find anything to talk about in common. But we’re there if things fall apart, or if we just have to vent to someone. That kind of “close-ish” family relationship type of thing).

And I know that if I did that my views, my values will be confrontational and challenging to them, because they have expressed such extreme sensitivity and offense and misunderstandings over other people that I know they would see my views in the same way and they have told me they stew in rage and self-loathing and bitterness and feeling abandoned over the littlest of things. I know it’s fragile and yet I feel like if I just keep things very low-key, simple and only occasionally hint little bits of what might be considered “too positive”, or “too simple”, or “too spiritual” or too cool and aloof, too detached, or too whatever it is, too judgmental, that they might read and distort and misinterpret me to mean...

Then I think I can write these things. I just have to carefully weigh each word, even when I’m putting it in this detached, distant space that is not directed at them, but just my own thoughts. My relative needs someone to help them somehow, and they are not willing to reach out or look for help in many places at all, so I’m one of the very very extreme few people (or maybe the only person) who is in a position to help them. The only other person they are very open to is just as stuck in the same mental condition they also have and so I don’t have any real hopes for them to help.

I don’t feel the best qualified to help myself. I’m not always the most optimistic or the most encouraging or the most good at compliments and cheering people up and framing things in this really friendly, kind, gentle, uplifting way. I try m y best but it seems that it just flies by me and I’m oblivious. I see others responding in much more helpful ways but I don’t even understand how they do it or what they’re doing but I just see that it’s much more uplifting and encouraging and validating and enthusiastic and whatever. More insightful, clear and well-articulated, more helpful, and so many different things I see many do much better than me, when it comes to cheering up people or helping people who are down and troubled.

My main strength, I think, is that I don’t judge and expect too much, and I’m actually not overly optimistic, not unrealistically, so, and not overly simplistic, because I’ve been there myself. Yet because I’ve overcome things in this really weird and difficult way, sometimes what I say sounds too simple and easy, but it’s not. It’s just so simple it’s hard to trust and be willing to try (and others may need other things but my case was not and is not minor and if it worked for me, it can work for some of the worst cases of depression, which mine was one of the worst my former psychiatrist, an expert in the region, said he’d seen, in his many years of treating people. He expected I might be depressed all my life). It’s not that I needed only simple things to help, because what helps me is elaborate and complex, many-layered, immense, and even still, fragile, and only healing but not curing me,... But parts of what have helped me the most are very simple and sound dismissive to some people, but it’s not.

Anyway, maybe I can learn how to be more helpful and encouraging in ways I see others doing so much better than me. But it’s just one more thing for me to try to figure out, when life feels like too much. And when I can’t just wait before I act to figure it all out, because they need my help and care right now. Though sometimes things change much more quickly than you would ever expect, once you have the right information and take the right actions to grow, improve and change yourself. So I am hopeful. And I ask God for help, as ever. Yet when I wrote all this about my relative on this blog, things seemed to change, and I noticed and felt like reading that book though before I’d had it on the shelf for months and it felt hopeless, worthless, but suddenly I saw it differently. Something about blogging, what is it, it changes my feelings. Maybe it’s some mysterious energy of people reading or maybe it’s something else, like my own consciousness reacting in new ways to the focused sort of social atmosphere and the endorphins of that or maybe it’s something else. I wonder what it is.

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polarbearvien-prettycurves · 4 years

Text

Two month old 24-year-old self

I was wondering how I've been since then. Same duration with my quarantine life as solo and yolo. 😄

The world stopped revolving because of the pandemic yet it's kinda not that for me as my mind is wandering as always. It may sound selfish but somehow there was a time that I wished that the world would stop for a moment as I couldn't really catch up and I am really lost. I didn't know this gonna happen for real but not in the way that pandemic would be the reason. I just want it to simply stop without any reason for me breathe at least. Now, that it is really happening, it can be a cure or a torture or maybe both in many ways. It seems like my zodiac year stopped and felt like a breather.

Anyways, this is how I was since then. Time is swift and within that short span of time many things happen, like twists and turns.

I faced a lot of things and it really challenged me bigtime. I made decisions I didn't know I could like being bold and honest of how I feel and stand for myself. I showed people if I am upset towards them and I just don't settle for being treated that way anymore just to keep things at peace even if it comprises me, my well-being. Big no for this now. I would rather lose some people than to lose myself. Maybe this is the start of learning self-love and finally giving it to myself this time. I can't please everyone and that's okay. I don't want to live like that anyway. I never do. It's just that I have this too much understanding and kind heart but was underrated, unappreciated and abused by many. So I am trying to save and heal it!

Maybe some things are meant to happen. I am grateful that I did. I just couldn't imagine being locked up here and living with someone I am not in good terms with. Good thing is I was brave enough to be vocal and confront that person whom I used to be my roommate that is also workmate in the office about our setup in the dorm. It is nice that she left immediately before the hard lockdown. This is the best way for us though as it would a torture and unhealthy for both of us if we continue to be housemates. Actually, this is the first time I felt that sometimes parting is a good thing. Hahaha.

Since then, I was able to start to do things I wanted to do on my own without minding other people around me and no more hesitations to do so. How peaceful that is to me. I don't have to feel the need to take care of others who is not also grateful about that anyway so I'd rather stop. Haha. This time, I am taking care of myself, still learning but I do in the best way I can. Hehe.

I do things on my own. Strong and independent woman here. Haha. Trying my best as I fight my inner demons to live and keep myself sane in a new and unknown enviroment where I only have myself to rely on. I do the grocery, strategize and decide over things as I pray to God for me to be safe and sound, as I push myself to trust and believe in me too. So far, so good and I am grateful for everything even if things were more difficult than it used to be when I can just go anywhere before the quarantine restrictions and all that.

In this kind of setup, I am also dealing more with myself closely especially my thoughts and feelings. I tried to confront myself with it sometimes, but most of the time I tried to make myself busy and distracted from those. It's pretty hard honestly. I sometimes I can't help but dwell in it like I am drowning in my own yet manage to swim and rise from it. I got to ask question myself with a lot of things like who I really am, what do I really want to do in life, how stagnant my life is in this stage like I still in no progress zone. I haven't proven anything nor at least financially capable but simply a cycle of sustenance to survive everyday living and fulfill basic responsibilities on my shoulders.

I also try to forget some things and people. I even dare to have attempts to do the things I was so afraid of like detaching and letting go little by little. I had my 5 phases of grief over things and people I am attached with or I love and care too much. I am finally learning to not get involve myself with those. Well, before this lockdown, I had convo with some relatives and confronted with the history of family issues I, we, used to ignore and after exchanges of sentiments. It happens to be the end of everything and finally cut our ties. It should have been done a long time ago but for Dad's sake I just kept silent about it and since he's gone, these things are bound to happen anyway. Maybe this is how peace can be achieved. No matter how we would want to keep some people and things, it is not meant for keeps but just a season.

As for this ecq, actually just around 2 to 3 days ago... I decided to get rid of pictures in a whim. So far I didn't regret it. Hahaha. Those pics was from the person I used to care for but I am taking this time to forget and get over with. Hahaha. Yeah, it is very hard for me to delete pictures as I am a memory keeper but I have to. Maybe I am a little bit changed. Haha. But before this, I usually rant at facebook but mostly in twitter through my threads of tweets about everything I think and feel. Haha. Yet, I decided to deactivate my main facebook account since yesterday for real to hibernate myself and to detox with technology particularly with social media as I spent most of time there instead of dedicating it to myself. I want to totally deactivate from everything but I couldn't as it is also my source of info and my communication iny work. Hayss. Haha. For now, I keep anything else active but less engaged except for youtube for music, vlogs and random videos. Hahaha. Yet, I wanted to be productive but my procrastination and unmotivated self impede me to do so. Haha. I hope moving forward I could have that discipline and consistency to finally achieve my goals. But for now, maybe I will focus on healing with my pains, wounds and scars, knowing myself more, doing my hobbies, learning new things and working on to be the best of myself soon. That's how I want this quarantine. Wish me luck and I pray I will!

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the-sapphire-general · 7 years

Text

My Thoughts and Feelings About Sephiroth (Part 2)

There was originally going to be just one part about what I think and feel about Sephiroth, but it turns out I have more to say than I thought I did. You can say I'm passionate about Sephiroth. Not a day goes by without at least thinking about him several times. Lol Anyway, if you haven't read my previous post, here's the link because I will describe things I have said in the first part in more detail.

My Thoughts and Feelings About Sephiroth (Part 1)

As I mentioned before, I can identify with Sephiroth. At first I didn't consider him an idol considering how different we are, but I realized about the similarities we have, even if those similarities can be different. I hate mentioning my former friend, but she used to be someone that took advantage of me, a lot of the time without my knowledge. So I know how Sephiroth must have felt after discovering that everyone lied to him about his origins. Now his situation was extreme compared to mine, but the key thing is we were both betrayed somehow. It's difficult to handle, and we both took it hard, with Sephiroth taking it farther than me. Betrayal, whether big or small or somewhere in between the two, isn't pleasant, especially if those who betray you are people you thought you could trust. I know what that's like, and it's not an easy thing to just brush off as if it were nothing.

To further prove how Sephiroth and I are similar is our personality traits. For starters, we are both quiet. Now it's hard to tell online if someone is shy or outgoing, but believe me, I'm one quiet girl. I'm real timid in real life. I don't think Sephiroth was timid, and I bet he was just sheltered growing up. Be honest. Hojo sucked as a father, and Sephiroth wasn't treated like a human being. So Sephiroth may have been socially awkward, which can appear as timidity or coldness. I'm timid and I can get a bit anxious, but I hide it really well. I'm not a social butterfly, and neither is Sephiroth, but that doesn't mean I'm purposefully ignoring others. It's just I'm not good at socializing. I am socially awkward myself and people have to get to know me to know the real me. Others saw Sephiroth as cold and distant, but they didn't even try to get to know him. Angeal Hewley and Genesis Rhapsodos saw past this and became his friends. Sadly others see me as cold and distant as well, and to be honest it hurts. I bet it bothered Sephiroth as well. Or maybe he didn't care, I don't know. I'll believe that it did bother him. Of course, despite our shortcomings, Sephiroth and I do have friends (well, Sephiroth used to have friends). I may struggle to be social, but I can bond with others. I mean, hello! I have my boyfriend, his friends, my family, my own friends, and my online friends. Sephiroth had a few close friends, but at least it's something. Angeal and Genesis. I swear, if things didn't get so screwed up, they would have been best friends forever. Heck, Zack could have been a great friend to Sephiroth if he was given the opportunity. In a way, they could have helped Sephiroth back in Nibelheim, but the damage is already done.. What I'm trying to say is I understand this real well because I've been there. It just makes me want to give Sephiroth a hug and possibly a kiss to comfort him and let him know that I care. Though he might be annoyed by my affection. Lol

The next similarity we have is we're intelligent. Unfortunately a lot of people don't see me as intelligent, but Sephiroth's intelligence is what has me striving to prove to others that I am all while improving my own intelligence. They just see me as a girl with average intelligence and I was once accused of being an idiot. I wonder if Sephiroth had naysayers always doubting him. Looks can be deceiving. I'm not what others claim that I am, and it's annoying. This brings me to my next point. When Sephiroth was still part of SOLDIER, others might have perceived him as so many things, which includes being cold and distant and such. I've said this already, but this isn't just assuming that someone is cold or timid or whatever personality trait. It's about others assuming things about others that may be false. Sephiroth didn't consider himself to be better than everyone else (prior to Nibelheim of course). Heck, he didn't even show interest in fame to the point that he allowed Genesis to take it, possibly unaware that he was jealous of him. Maybe he tried to do that to ease his jealousy. Though Genesis should have handled his jealousy better. Before you assume anything about a person, either get to know the person or keep it to yourself until you see who they really are. Otherwise, it can be damaging to them. It was to Sephiroth. Something tells me all those soldiers had mixed opinions about Sephiroth, many of them potentially formed out of false assumptions and simple ignorance. Okay I'm getting too deep into this due to my own personal experiences, so I will switch to the next similarity.

Sephiroth and I hate certain people. How else can I explain my former friend that I have mentioned plus other people? Although Sephiroth took it to an extreme and hates everyone, I can still relate. Now it doesn't mean I will be as destructive and cruel as Sephiroth, but I can relate. Everyone at ShinRa treated Sephiroth like an experiment without his knowledge. He was never told about his origins. He never knew his parents. Then again, never finding out that Hojo is his father is a blessing (unless he somehow found out already?). He was deceived and manipulated ever since the day he was born. Correction, he was manipulated BEFORE he was born! He has the right to hate those who mistreated him. However, that doesn't justify any of the horrible things he did. Now my case is nothing compared to Sephiroth's since I was simply deceived by certain people, but my dislike for them is reasonable. Seriously, who would be able to let someone pretend to be your friend only to harm you emotionally and verbally, try to control you, spread lies about you, and basically destroy you? That's what my former friend did, and I hate her. All the bullies I've encountered throughout school? I hate them too. But that doesn't mean I would try to hurt them back because that wouldn't make me any better than them. I was given one opportunity to tell off my former friend online after I cut off contact for years. I told her to get well because she was sick, but she was getting better. She insulted me, not directly, but she did imply it. I was furious. But what did I do? I kept my mouth shut, told her to have a good life, and bid her farewell. Telling her everything that she made me feel and how much I loathe her would have only caused trouble, and the last thing I need is for her to stalk me online or try to pick a fight with me since she's freaking insane. She got angry over tiny things, physically assaulted someone just for being rude, as in getting into a conversation between the skank and someone else. Like what the fuck?! She could have told him to wait until she was finished. She was not psychologically well in my opinion, but I'm not one to confirm it because I'm not a psychologist. I thought she had changed but I was wrong. All my suspicions I had about her have been confirmed. Everything. And I vowed to never speak to her ever again. So Sephiroth and I may have handled our hate differently, but it still counts as something we have in common. Looking back, I see Sephiroth as an extreme version of my hate, anger, and pain, making me picture what I would have been like if I had taken it too far. It's a bit terrifying for me to imagine, and I am glad that I have more good inside me.

Now the next thing is something that still affects me to this day, and it's this. Sephiroth and I have felt like we were different, that we didn't belong anywhere. Having an identity crisis isn't fun, and Sephiroth is proof of that. He's not like everyone else. He's the only one with long silver hair and green cat-like eyes, he's part-alien, he's the strongest of all, and he always felt different because of this. I feel like I'm different because I'm not as outgoing as many people, I get worried about what others think of me, I'm not as confident in myself and my talents, and people don't pay attention to a wallflower like me. So I'm trying to improve myself and find my own place where I belong. Sephiroth found his, albeit in a rather dark way, but I have yet to find myself. But I know I will soon, and I have loved ones who can help me.

With all of this that I've said so far, Sephiroth means a lot to me. He means a lot to me more than I thought, and just by typing this, I'm realizing that he's a character that I love and admire in the exact same level as Sonic the Hedgehog. And as silly as it may sound, I get defensive when others talk smack about my favorite fictional characters like Sephiroth. Why? Because he's someone that I can identify with, regardless of the myriad of contrasting characteristics that we have. Opposites attract!

Now what else I wish to talk about related to Sephiroth...Well, there's his current self. I can hear those that say he's a cruel bastard that will kill you at first glance in milliseconds. My boyfriend and his friends think so. Well, you know what? It's bullshit. If that were true, then why didn't he kill Zack, Tifa, and Cloud immediately? Why didn't he kill Cloud and his team right away during numerous points in the game (other than the fact he needed Cloud to get the Black Materia for him)? Because he's not just a one-track mindless killing machine! This may be an unpopular opinion, but really, Sephiroth doesn't go just "Kill kill kill! Stab stab stab!". You kiss him on the cheek, stab. You compliment him on his looks, stab. You try to join him in his cause, stab. You try to have small talk, STAB! It's boring, predictable, and annoying. Do you really think I would do that on my Sephiroth blog? I would have grown tired of it! I deleted the posts about this, but do you want to know how many characters, users, or whatever I've had Sephiroth kill in roleplays???........One. That's right. One, a character that a friend roleplays as here on Tumblr, in a span of....a year-and-a-half, I think? If I had followed the "logic" of Sephiroth the utterly mindless killing machine and does nothing else, I would have had him impale over 1000 characters, users, anons, etc., maybe 10,000. You get my point.

This sort of thing strips everything about Sephiroth. He's cunning, arrogant, and manipulative, so of course I would have to implement that in his interactions if I want him to harm or kill a character, for example. And in some cases, I portray Sephiroth as just being intimidating, mistrustful, and bitter towards characters. In others, he is intrigued by who he's talking to, and he shows a range of emotions (as long as they fit him). I make him multidimensional. Really, try portraying Sephiroth as just a killing machine and nothing else and see how long it takes for you to get tired of taking out tons of people's muses in split seconds. I'm sorry if this portion became somewhat of a rant but it has been bugging me. Moving on to another Sephiroth subject.

Ahhhh, the theories. I almost forgot about them. Let's see, the lab rat theory is kind of possible, but ShinRa didn't blatantly abuse him. Otherwise, Sephiroth would have had serious psychological issues prior to Nibelheim. If he had endured severe physical and psychological abuse, he wouldn't be calm and collected. Of course he was abused to a degree, but the thing is he didn't know he was abused. He had no idea ShinRa used him as just a tool. That's clever of them. Cruel and despicable, but clever. They had to be discreet or else Sephiroth would have questioned their motives early on or tried to get away from them. Sephiroth was their puppet, which does explain why he referred to Cloud as his puppet. If others manipulated him to screw him over, he will do the same back at them. Sephiroth basically gave them a taste of their own medicine. Unfortunately, he takes it out on the whole planet. Think about it, though. He was deceived and manipulated by others, and this is his way of showing others that he will never allow himself to be controlled by anyone anymore. And this brings me to the next theory.

Jenova possessing Sephiroth is a famous theory and I don't blame people for believing and supporting this. I confess that I used to believe this theory as well, but as I looked back at the events of Crisis Core and Final Fantasy 7, it doesn't make sense. First of all, after being used by an evil company his entire life, why would Sephiroth allow himself to be controlled by an alien that arrived to the Planet millennia ago? Yes, he was at the library at ShinRa Manor for a week reading endlessly about his origins without sleeping, and possibly eating or drinking anything. Obviously that must have left him vulnerable, but I don't believe Sephiroth would have been brainwashed easily. He was controlled by ShinRa, and he wasn't going to allow anyone else to control him again, especially Jenova. Sephiroth was the one who controlled her, not the other way around. If Jenova had gained control, that would undermine Sephiroth's reputation as the main antagonist of FF7. He is the villain, the real villain, not Jenova. Sephiroth burned down Nibelheim. Sephiroth killed many people. Sephiroth killed Aeris (or Aerith) in FF7. Sephiroth summoned Meteor to injure the Planet in order to absorb its life stream to become a god. Sephiroth created the Remnants to achieve his goal to claim the Planet as his own, become an unstoppable god, and bring despair to those who stand in his way. It's all Sephiroth. And besides, Jenova is a parasite. I doubt she would have planned all of this before trying to destroy the planet. I also doubt she's even alive. Sephiroth is the master of his ongoing desire to take back what he believes is his planet, conquer it as a god, and destroy anyone who stands in his way.

Alright then, this post has gone long enough. Now I'm not sure if this is all I have to say about Sephiroth. Well, I assumed that I did’t have much else to say in the previous post, and look! Here's another one. I like doing this sort of thing. It makes me feel good and I just love Sephiroth. I could go on forever if I want, but I’ll end it here. I hope you liked this and if there’s any more things that I haven’t said here, I’ll make sure to do a third part.

#sephiroth #final fantasy 7 #part 2

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