kart0 - Tumblr blog

[kart0]

GRAAAAAW

[kart0]

I finally lost the 25 pounds I gained because of the antidepressants. Why do I feel so miserable then. I should be happy.

I started sobbing because I wanted pizza so badly. Like, hyperventilating and all of that. And my family was there and asking me what was wrong, what happened. And I couldn't say it. That I am starving myself to death.

It got to a point where my body did get used to not having enough food. So even if I tried, I'd feel sick eating. And food became tasteless and a mush. It disgusts me.

But in my mind, I can still remember. When it was good. The smell, the texture, the flavour. I loved eating good food, and I miss craving. I have not had chocolate for so long. No candy at all. I stopped eating fried food. I never liked cheese or burgers anyways.

But I loved pizza. I know it sounds super dumb but like. I dunno. It makes me sad now, and that makes me even more sad. I've been thinking about it for quite some time now. How I miss eating pizza and enjoying the tasty crust, and I love tomato sauce. There was one time where I found out about Chicago deep dish pizza and my mind was blown away. I state, again, I do not like cheese. But I wanted to try so bad, just because of the tomato sauce. Whoever got the genius idea to mix tomatoes and cheese, cuz god damn you were spectacular. But anyways, not like I'd be able to try it ever. I don't live in Chicago. I don't even live in the US. Anyways. Now it upsets me thinking about food.

I still have this mentality of "I shouldn't eat this" "I need to lose weight" "the fastest way to weight loss is calorie deficit" and well. Here we are. 25 pounds lighter. And I feel terrible.

I thought I was doing better y'know. Being honest and being able to recognize what was going on, and what I was doing, and I , rationally, knew what to do. I read a lot of posts and I know what I should do. But still... It wasn't me feeling better. No. It was my body getting accustomed to literal crumbs and surviving off of energy drinks.

But all I can think about now is food. I go to bed hungry, thinking about food. I wake up feeling even worse, thinking about food. And do I eat ? No. Why ? I don't know. Maybe I am scared of it tasting bad. Maybe I am scared of feeling nauseous.

I wonder when did things go so bad ? So wrong ?

And I am so terribly ashamed of my behaviour. I don't want to tell anyone. Because..at the end of the day. It worked, didn't it ?

I lost weight. I reached my goal.

But now...how do I make this stop ?

[kart0]

The twitter situation update !

Hey ! It's been like 5-6 days I think since my last post ! About unfortunately being harassed n stuff. Well, I have in fact decided to create a new account and start fresh :) the hater will probably find me eventually, but at least I can be sure it will take some time. I am scared of disclosing my @ so I won't be posting here, only replying DMs or stuff.

Kinda sad I guess, but things happen, right :) this will pass. I'd rather have a very very small account than receive any hate ^-^ and it is kinda excited to start all over again ! So...hooray ?

[kart0]

Logging off from Twitter.

Ok basically I am being harrassed. Been getting some annoying and disgusting anonymous asks and must I mention, it's not the first nor the second time this has happened.

Anyways, I am now priv and will not post there anymore. Honestly, not that upsetting, I do not get affected by it but it's just annoying as fuck. Will miss the aspect of fandom tho. But who cares at this point right ?

[kart0]

hihii !! i used to follow ur art on twt and i love ur style sm ahhh ! i'm so happy to find u over here since i don't use twt as much and missed ur art 😭😭 esp miya twins and snos stuff

i also just want to acknowledge ur experience with having an eating disorder and i hope ur getting better :( i also have experience with anorexia specifically and it can be so fucking hard but i'm rooting for u !!! if u can, treat urself to a nice meal u love/used to love today !! love uuu, u got this dani ! 💛💛💛

Oh my god hi !!!! Can't believe you followed me on twitter, that's awesome !!! I feel so blessed that you decided to follow me here too ! Thank you so so so much for the support. And for being so sweet and nice.

I'm sorry that you had to deal with an eating disorder, it's truly terrible... But thank you for your message and believing in me ! I believe in us !!!!!

I guess these past few days have been quite hard because I didn't want to accept I have anorexia. Took a lot of strength to confess and write these posts.

Now that it's acknowledged, I can finally start to work on it, and get better.

I can do this !

[kart0]

Tw eating disorder

I have barely eaten all day. I feel miserable. I feel so hungry I feel sick. I skipped dinner, and made my mom cry because I have stopped eating together with my family.

I am so fucking miserable and I am so. So ashamed.

I think I can finally admit I have anorexia. Even though I am not as skinny as a "typical" anorexic person would be, I think I fit into the characteristics and behaviours of one. I skip meals, I don't see myself as skinny even thought I have lost a ton of weight. I am anxious about my looks and how much I am eating. I stopped eating candy, of anything that actually brings me happiness and pleasure. I do not binge. I feel like I do not deserve to have food. I do not deserve the pleasure of eating. I only eat when I do good. I have to battle for food. I have to behave nicely, do well on university, finish my projects, finish my drawings, interact with my friends, be thoughtful, and caring. That's when I can eat. When something I do is good.

And all I want is to get skinnier and skinnier. The problem is that I did have a goal before. But now that I am actually getting there it's like my goal gets further away and I am always never quite there yet. Like I need to keep doing this until...until when actually ? There's no limit to what I'm doing. If I keep doing this I will mostly die.

And I don't know how to stop. And I am so, utterly scared. How do I compromise, eating, and losing weight. I know I should eat healthy and exercise and build muscle and get strong and I was doing better I was eating and going to the gym but then it's like it just snapped and I started eating less. And less. And it kept going and now I am skipping meals, barely having any food. And I am so fucking tired. Being hungry makes me pissed and sad and just bad. Of course, I feel sick, nauseated, headaches, I already have low blood pressure and I am anemic. But there's this sick mentality of feeling pride whenever I feel like that. It's like a sick reward, a proof that I am losing weight.

I can't keep doing this but I don't know how to ask for help because I am so embarrassed because it should be so fucking easy. LITERALLY JUST FUCKING EAT. EAT. JUST EAT YOU MORON. YOU STUPID BITCH. DO YOU WANT TO FUCKING DIE ??????????

I don't want to tell anybody. I want to deal with this on my own. Part of me thinks I can do it, I can recover and be healthy again. I already went through this once, and I did get better. I can do it again. But the other part of my brain keeps thinking I do not know what I'm doing. I will fail. And how I should keep doing this, even though it's very dangerous.

I am so hungry. I will try to eat something before bed. I hope I get better. I don't want to be like this anymore.

[kart0]

SORRY FOR SPAMMING UR LIKES... UR ART IS JUST SO BEAUTIFUL

Thank you so much love 🩷 this means a lot to me.

[kart0]

Venting about me being stupid tw ed and suicide thoughts

...hey

I feel like I should start this by saying I've been actually pretty well lately ! I am drawing again, I lost weight which was something I really wanted, I think I made new friends, and I've been growing a lot on social media - I love the attention btw

So what do I have to complain now ? Dani doesn't this get tiring ? Uhhh yes but it's my blog so FUCK YOU

Anyways, it's exam season and there's a lot of things to do. And I have to mention I am illiterate I do not read nor am good at writing. I guess it has to do with my anxiety, I have a lot of thoughts. A LOT. That keep playing 24/7, so it's kinda hard to write something coherent.

So, I have this class, ceramic class, and I am terrible at it. Like. Super bad. Everything I do looks so bad it's literally disgusting to look at. Ok so we had this essay to do and I did, proudly, and I finish it on time which made me so happy. And I thought I did pretty well in fact !

Hm. Thought. We got our grade today and I got such a bad grade. Like. Not even half of the grade. And now I can't stop crying and feeling so stupid specially because ! Basically everyone in my class uses Chatgpt and gets away with it. And I swore, on my life, that I would never, NEVER, use AI to do my work. To do nothing, really. I have an ego the size of the universe, and I am extremely proud. It's my dignity on risk. What would my parents think of me ? What would I think of myself ???? I would never do that. Instead I keep writing everything on my own, with references of course. I used to think I'd rather get a low grade instead of using chat fucking gpt.

Well, now that I actually got a low grade I am really really upset, and regretful. Why did I have to be so proud and stupidly arrogant with my abilities. I know I FUCKING KNOW I can't write for shit. I keep thinking about how I should've used AI.

And I feel so shitty I skipped dinner tonight. Because I feel like I should starve and die. I do not deserve food. All I have to feel right now is fucking pain, and be miserable. Because I am failing this class. And I know, rationally speaking, this is super dumb. It's just a class and it's just one essay y'know. And I need to eat. Cuz honestly I'm pretty hungry.

But I keep thinking about what I did, and how I could've done so much better. I feel like such a fool.

Such a fucking fool.

And now my thoughts are spiraling, how I should either dropout of college (again btw) or kill myself ! Damn bro. Chill for a second.

And I have been eating less. Too less in fact. That's how I've been able to lose weight. So eating even less each time feels like a sickly accomplishment somehow. And I keep weighing myself everyday, morning and night. Sometimes 10 times a day. And all I want is for the number to get lower. It's so sick I should stop but I don't know how. And I feel so embarrassed and ashamed, I haven't told anyone about this.

I need to lose more weight, I NEED to lose more weight. Keeps on replay, and I work even harder to not eat. It's a game of being unworthy of basic human needs. I am starving myself to death. I know that.

And now I am punishing myself by not eating anything at all because of a fucking essay. Why do I keep doing this. What am I even trying to achieve with this. I keep feeling sick and nauseated and it's so bad and I keep taking pills for headaches and I just feel so... stupid

But I need to see me getting skinnier. I feel proud. And there was a time when this happened before too, when I was 18-19. I was so skinny back then and I did not eat.

And now it's happening again and I can't remember how I stopped the first time.

I don't want to feel sick all the time. I don't want to keep looking at the scale. I don't want to think I have to deserve food.

I don't want to die.

But I want this to be over. So much. And I know it's not the end of the fucking world but why, why does it feel like this all the time. Why can't I be normal, and have normal thoughts, and behave normally, and just be fucking ok for once.

I was doing so well... How did I end up like this again.

When will this ever stop ?

[kart0]

Tattoo artist atsumu n flower boy kiyoomi

[kart0]

Btw I love him too

[kart0]

Girl

[kart0]

Hey guysssdss ! Just wanted to thank everyone for supportng me and being so nice to me even tho I don't deserve it. I'm drunk rn whoops but just wanted to hug you all. Y'all seen my ups and downs and always try to ckmfort me when I'm going thru it. I couldn't be more thankful for y'all. Yamgk you. I love you. Hope I can make you happy with my rawuings.

[kart0]

You can see it's not a phase...

[kart0]

Some head canons idk

[kart0]

no pressure but atsumu being good with little kids is so near and dear to my heart !!!

Awesome suggestion <3 tysm I'll try to think of a cute interaction or smth <3333

[kart0]

Skipped class today, so I could spend all day drawing atsumu.... So if you have any scenarios or head canons pls send me

[kart0]

Fucking hell I'm so miserable I want to drop out of this stupid college I hate it here it sucks I just want to die