#and you're kinda just in this infinite loop of questioning until you just give up and accept that ghost is ghost

[abyssembraced]

((Quick heads up that my portrayal of Ghost might seem a little inconsistent for a little bit. There are a couple things I'm not super satisfied with right now))

[rabbitindisguise]

I was like HM HM I MIGHT BE GETTING MANIC AGAIN and my therapist was like "oh dw :) we're here for you" starting to suspect that people don't know what it looks like when people have mental illnesses or the warning signs, like for example, "hey I think I'm experiencing symptoms again"

And like, it's not that I don't think that she's bad at her job- okay no I do kinda think that she should have been more concerned. I think the difference between a therapist and a compassionate third party who patiently listens is she's supposed to be honest when I'm going insane and help prevent me from doing problems. And that does require a degree of honesty from me- which is not typically something I give but I did this time x2 so I feel?? Miffed? There's a difference between invasively controlling a non-cooperative person, because it will repel them from ever getting help, but it's another to hear someone say OKAY CUFF ME BOSS and being like is prison really the right thing for you? Just take the win and move on please

I think when someone isn't fitting the picture of disruptive they're not ringing the bells for therapist that say "could be a threat to oneself or others" but there are other problems that that are more nuanced than that and mitigating them is how to prevent the other bit. I had known I was feeling like a shaken cat for months and I wished she had done something, and I only know now that this morning I woke up and the idea of doing anything was like trying to do jumping jacks underwater that I realized that, oh shit so that's what I've been on about for months.

And the most difficult thing is that like, what am I supposed to do?? What am I supposed to do? There's only so much I can tolerate from myself, and the iron will of steel to manage my (greatly increased) emotional range while depressed can only go so far with mania. This is not the first time I've asked myself this question and it sucks and I hate it.

And like, small mercies that I don't do some of the stuff that other people do (alcohol binges, unsafe sexual behaviors, blowing on my money on dumb shit- I've figured out how not to do that at least which is minor progress, and the most I did was buy a sports bra instead of an external hard drive because I knew I wouldn't have time to back things up in the next month anyways, totally normal decision to make). But I'm tired of being in this dumb loop of getting whipped up into a frenzy, making a string of horrible bad decisions, and then waking up at rock bottom again. It's not "progress" or "a sign of problems I need to work out." (Things my therapist said) Imagine saying a toddler upset they dropped their food on the floor is evidence of "supply chain issues." This kind of supportive counseling is something that applies to people who aren't chained down by this horrible gremlin that bites people until it gets bored and leaves. And maybe I'm doing the thing in the words meme where I'm picking up topics so the gremlin can't use them like a stick to hit people with- but like. No. There is infinite things to discourse about. I'm not going to make this large of an error infinite times in my life. I'm sure people have made their piece with being human in this way but I've yet to manage it. There is a level I need to expect from myself, and I need external checks because otherwise my internal checks will cease functioning. I thought I could try and like, shore up skills but the most I did was noticing I was getting anxious and seeking help, which isn't good to prevent the problems of not receiving help and treatment.

And like, I sooort of get the thing people are saying like, "oh you're holding yourself to a kind of perfectionist standard, everyone has bad days!" Except I don't have """bad days""" when I'm depressed. When I'm depressed I have a hard time summoning the energy to be anything but mildly amused at YouTube comments section, a la "here's a guy with free time." When I'm manic, everything is irritating all of the time, I have no patience for anything I suck up praise I get as holdover from being a Decent Person when I'm depressed and use it to justify getting More irritated like ~how dare someone mildly inconvenience me personally.~ The biggest problem is that it doesn't look that way on the outside and I never phrase.it that way because I know that's wrong, it's always something that can on the surface read as justified until you open the AITA thread only realized I'm basically Throwing Out The Socks Guy. And sure, I can at some point no longer be manic and accept that I can fail at anything and get the "now that's growth" meme, but in the moment this is not the case and what people often miss in those scenarios is that like. . . sustained change is more important than incidental problems, and many of these guys go on to fundamentally considering the issues in a new light. Four months ago I just go right back on the idiot train. I'm not seeing evidence of sustained change. This has happened twice (2 times) and I'm not willing to allow a third or even fourth time.

And like, charitably, this is perhaps an issue of experiencing depression starting in middle school. My capabilities for emotional regulation that is beyond "sad and kind of numb" to "sadder and even more numb" is basically non-existent, or at least functionally like I haven't grown up beyond Exploding like middle schoolers do when having two co-occuring emotions at the same time. While that's understandable for someone half my age, it's not so for me, a full adult. Uncharitably, I'm too willing to do the immature things like staying up late and eating sugary snacks rather than complete meals that throw my moods out of wack when I'm manic, making my mania worse, and slacking on my routine is the first to go because I get Anxious first.

My next therapy appointment is going to be about;

Figuring out a system where someone who is not me can tabulate some level of behavior from me (maybe related directly to the problem) to figure out when mania is hitting

A way to break mania before it gets to a certain level

Medication for mania- it looks like benzos might be the best bet, because they're not qualified to do the tests necessary for lithium at my prescription place and I don't want to start lithium so close to moving now anyways. I'm going to try leaving a voicemail on Saturday to see if I can get an appointment with my new psychiatrist earlier to see about getting a prescription on standby for a short duration to take when I go Nuts and hopefully have them for when I move in case it happens before I see my next psychiatrists

God help me do any of that when my head is full of cotton and I want to nap 18 hours a day

Writing all this is like - do I think bipolar is natural? A social construct? Social model of disability? I don't know frankly. I think of it as a form of mineral deficiency that makes people insane, which certainly needs treatment. I think the idea that bipolar is purely manifested by our understanding (like the arbitrary difference between ADHD and autism) is inaccurate, the same way I think allergies and COVID are fundamentally different things- which is to say I don't think bipolar fits into Mental Illness Syndrome Soup like many other things do. I dunno I dunno. Tired. Want to nap a thousand years. Need to get back to laundry.