#anyway I think whatever happened to his head may have made him sillier than he used to be | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

let-it-show · 4 years

Text

All The Love I Found In You 5/?

Have you read part 4? Cause it is right here! Whoosh I am tired! But I got another part for you guys. There’s some tough thoughts to work out for Elsa and Anna has her own struggle. ANYWAY ENJOY. Hey go HERE for part 6! And here’s the tag for @hellodemoiselle !

The rest of breakfast was a bit awkward. Menander tried to be positive, tried to get everyone going again and inspire joy, but neither Elsa nor Anna could feel it. When they dismissed him Elsa tried to make an apology for the unfortunate mood that had taken over the meal, but he acted like it was no big deal. Menander rarely tended to take offense to anything and Elsa was very grateful.

Too many other royal visitors liked to act like they were above human emotions.

The sisters left their dishes to be properly picked up by the servers instead of trying to help, knowing neither of them were in a place to even do somewhat of a good job. They left the dining room to start the day, though they didn't want to, while Olaf said he was off to the library. As they made their way into a hallway that would lead to the less home, less personal part of the castle, Anna gently took Elsa's arm and slowed her to a stop, then stepped in front of her.

"Elsa? I don't want to leave you for the day but...but I think I better go talk to Kristoff. This is one of the better chances I'll get to do it since I won't be actually doing the queen stuff..." She bit her lip, showing she felt guity.

It was a good idea and Elsa knew it, so she nodded. "Okay. I think you should too. I'm kind of worried about him." She didn't want Kristoff hurting. Deep down a more selfish part of her wanted to feel like she could hug and touch Anna around him without it being a blow to his heart....

Anna relaxed. "Yes. He's been really good about all of this. He wants me to be happy, you know? I want him to be too." She took a deep breath. "I'm nervous. I don't like being in this position."

"No, I imagine not." Elsa took both of Anna's hands, trying to find something helpful to say. Oh,of course she had suitors who had tried to date her, men and women had insisted they loved her and she turned every one of them down without much of a thought. She hadn't known any of them as more than acquaintances so it didn't weigh on her to stress over their well-being. "Just...just make sure he knows he's our family. He always will be. I'm not great at showing it, but I do love him."

"So do I." Anna squeezed her hands. "Just not the way I thought I did and almost wished I did. I just...I can't feel for him the way I feel around you," she said with red cheeks.

Processing what that meant was still hard for Elsa. "What is it you feel, around me?" she asked. Romance? They were sisters, and that was very taboo, wasn't it? At the same time they never really got to be like sisters. Did that mean anything?

Did it really matter when they were so happy with each other?

Anna looked down at their hands. "It's love but it's more than love. Devotion, longing," she whispered, still looking down. "Longing for what, I don't really know. I-I just need you. Without you I feel all mixed-up and alone."

Elsa felt like her heart was going to pound through her chest. That was about how she felt even if she felt no word or phrase was deep enough to describe it. She lifted their hands and placed little kisses along Anna's fingers. "I feel the same. Nothing feels right unless you are there with me." Anna was that other part of her that Menander's story had mentioned. She knew it and Anna knew it, but she felt scared to vocalize it.

Anna raised her face and Elsa took advantage to kiss her on the lips yet again. She could get used to it. Both of their eyes fell closed and they stepped closer to each other, hands still gripping each other and pressed between them.

They held the kiss for longer than the night before, Elsa's hands moving to her waist as Anna grasped her arms. Elsa wanted to hold her close but she knew they would be significantly delayed if she gave in. So even as her heart told her not to let go, she did, and she sighed when she had pulled her face away. "We have a day to get on with, I'm afraid," she said sadly.

"I know." Anna let go of her as well. "We better...we better get to it, huh?"

Elsa nodded. "Meet you for lunch?"

Anna smiled brightly. "Of course."

Being without Anna for that morning was torturous.

It wasn't meeting after meeting that got to her. They were rather dull and full of things she had to deal with all the time as the queen. There was new staff to hire as a couple of the castle's own would be moving far away. Sometimes that was a challenge, seeking who they could trust, but Elsa was pretty good at detecting anyone who might be trouble.

As a result it was again just another easy but dull task.

The paperwork was where things really got to her, because she was alone in the study reading line after line. Usually she may have enjoyed that retreat from people that still allowed her to work but she couldn't stop thinking.

She was away from Ahtohallan and found herself barely giving it a thought. The glacier, the spirits, the Northuldra - all were very precious to her. She would not just leave them all and never go back. She learned so much in that forest and found a harmony within herself she had sought for her entire life. There was no way she could turn her back on her answer and her heritage.

While she had found that peace in herself, in time she found that it didn't make her fully happy. It didn't make her complete. It just settled the storm into something she could more fully understand.

It didn't mean she wanted to be alone in her understanding and only one person, one soul could fathom the power and beauty of the storm like she did.

That was Anna. That was who she wanted to be with. She didn't think it meant she wanted to marry her, but then what was it? She didn't think it meant sex either, but at the same time she still wanted to feel all of her.

Elsa struggled to understand, and all the while it all only brought her a big headache. She pulled her braid down from the bun to help. She'd worn it long enough.

It only hurt more as again she heard a familiar knock on the door and invited Olaf to step into the study. She hadn't expected him to come see her but had no desire to turn him away. She just hoped he wouldn't be in the mood for his sillier antics.

Yet as he approached Elsa, she could see concern in his wide eyes. "Elsa?" He hurried toward her. "Elsa, are you alright?"

"I'm...why do you ask?"

Olaf stopped on the other side of the desk. "Things at breakfast didn't feel right. I was going to leave it alone but I couldn't. I got worried..." He tapped the ends of his stick fingers together a bit nervously. "Am I allowed to ask?"

"Of course," Elsa said, folding her arms and resting her chin on her hands as she leaned forward. She tilted her head slightly, surprised that Olaf would suddenly ask for permission. "Why wouldn't you be?"

"It feels..." Olaf tapped his chin. "Private. What is happening with you two, sometimes I feel your magic and sometimes I guess I feel something else. I didn't want to intrude," he said with a small voice.

Precious Olaf. Looking at him, Elsa's smile reached her eyes. Of course the magic that made him, that flowed from Ahtohallan and into her, of course it enabled him to pick up strongly on their emotions. She couldn't possibly be mad at him for that. "You're a part of me. You're a part of both of us, Olaf. You can always ask."

He looked up at her with a wide smile. "Then answer me, are you okay?"

She sighed. "I don't know, Olaf." Being honest with him was something she had to do, even if it did feel a little tough. "You see...I only feel complete and happy with Anna."

"Of course," he said with that little chuckle of his. "She's your sister!"

"Yes...but it's something more than that. Olaf, we didn't get to grow up as sisters. At a young age we were pulled apart and even though I would glimpse her in passing, see her at dinner now and then, I couldn't spend time with her due to my powers. I didn't have good control and I was so scared to hurt her. We became two strangers in the same big castle." Talking about it made her heart feel heavy.

"You were never strangers," Olaf insisted while plopping his head - his entire head - on the desk. "At least you tried not to be!"

He was right about that. "I did like to do things for her when I could...sneak treats and gifts into her room when she was asleep if I could, or try to pass things via our parents." She had always done her best to make Anna's life a little better. The guilt she felt when that little girl would knock on her door and ask her to play was almost too much in those days.

She was unsure she would ever shake it.

"You're right, Olaf. We both tried in our own ways. I watched her and listened to her. But it was still a strange existence." They didn't get to truly know each other until she was twenty-one. Not even as a teenager. The connection wasn't what most sisters had, as far as she knew.

Olaf continued to stare. "Oooooh. Now you two can see each other as much as you want and do whatever you want together! It's exciting! Is that it?"

That was close. She thought so anyway. "Almost. But we've had that freedom and love for a few years now. It's only intensified. Olaf...I've never been interested in romance, having a partner, getting married, anything like that. It doesn't really suit me. But I can see myself spending my life with Anna. I want to give her everything, I want to share everything with her. She is my soulmate Olaf, you see that don't you?" She surprised herself as she admitted all of that. She hadn't even said all of that to herself.

Olaf started to tilt his head and it just fell to the side. He winced. "Oof that was too far...have you said all of that to Anna?" he asked.

She shook her head slowly. "No...we talked a little earlier. She told me how she felt for me. I told her I felt the same and kissed her but we didn't figure anything out." Elsa realized what she said and sat up straight in a panic, covering her mouth. Olaf did not need to know about the kiss.

"You kissed her?" He made a little bit of a confused face. It quickly snapped back to a smile. "True Love's kiss! There's never anything bad about that! It's just another way to show your care."

Slowly, she lowered her hand and looked at him. "Well....yes, I guess it is." Who said a hug or holding hands was the only way for them to show affection? Kissing Anna was just her way. It was just for them. ...And if she saw anyone else even try to kiss Anna she would kindly ask Gale to blow them away and-

Things ran a little deeper than she was sure she could convey to Olaf with words. For the moment, she supposed she was close enough. He had helped in return. "Ah, thank you Olaf," she said, reaching for his head to turn it right side up. "You've helped me work things out a bit."

"Oh, you're welcome!" he said, picking his head up and putting it back on his midsection. "Do you feel better?" he asked, looking at her hopefully.

She didn't have a good honest answer. Elsa felt a little more relieved, yes, but her mind was still a bit heavy. "I guess I feel a little better."

"You'll feel better when you see Anna, then!" Olaf kept smiling. "I'm going to go back to the library for now. You come find me if you need to and we'll find a fun story," he told her.

Elsa smiled at him. "Sure.

Olaf was right. When Elsa found Anna in the Great Hall with a little picnic basket and heavy cloak over her arm, she immediately felt better. She swept upon her with a big hug and would have kissed her, except that there were guards around and Gerda was also about. The kisses were meant to be private.

Anna took her hand. "I figured you wouldn't object to a picnic outside. I've got a nice big cloak to keep you warm."

If she wasn't worried about letting her down, Elsa would have indeed objected. She didn't want to feel the chill. It was too unsettling. However, she nodded anyway and let Anna pull her out.

It wasn't so bad though; Anna had chosen a stone table on the royal grounds that had a little decorative shelter. It even had a little Arendelle flag sticking out from the roof and was in good shape. They had to have eaten in it before, but usually the sisters preferred to wander off farther or sit under a tree. Anna clearly chose it to keep some of the spring breeze off of Elsa. The sun was shining as brightly as the day before and the weather was very calm.

Once Elsa sat, and shivered because her butt was definitely cold, Anna covered her with the cloak and hugged her around her shoulders. She squeezed her and sat down opposite her with the basket on the top of the table.

"I had some warm vegetable soup made," she said as she unpacked a couple of thick bowls with covers carefully attached. Next she took out some rolls and a couple of containers of what she said was hot tea. "I wanted to come outside and away from anyone who might hear us..." she explained and looked at Elsa.

It made sense then, that Anna had asked her to come out even though she knew it might be cold for her. There was indeed no one around them. They were far enough from the walls that even if someone had a window open inside, they couldn't be heard. "I see," she said, reaching for one of the bowls of soup and a ladle for it. "So did something come from your talk with Kristoff, then?" As tired as she was of feeling it, once again she felt anxious.

Then Anna seemed to wilt. Sadness was the main feeling around them, and Anna looked at the top of the table. "He's going to go, for a while anyway."

"Go?"

Anna nodded and picked up a roll, but that was all she did. She didn't even reach for her soup. "He has liked visiting with Ryder in the past and so he decided he wants to go up to the forest to stay with the Northuldra for a while."

"Oh." Elsa didn't know what to say to that. Well, she did, and it was that she thought it was a good fit for him. At the same time she didn't think Anna wanted to hear that right away.

Anna voiced it anyway. "It's a good idea, it is. Kristoff still likes to sleep in the stables and he...well he talks about reindeer so much and how much he loved all the reindeer up there. Ryder is his 'brother from a northern mother' he told me once." She closed her eyes. "It's a good idea." She opened her eyes and they were wet. "He belongs up there," she said and her voice cracked as she couldn't hold it back. Her hands covered her face as she tried to silence her crying.

In a flash Elsa was up and on the other side of the table. She climbed onto the seat and took Anna into her arms, sharing the cloak with her. "Anna, Anna," she said, not sure what she wanted to follow that up with. She just held her tight.

"I know it wil be good for him," Anna sobbed, and slowly lowered her hands. "But he's still my dear friend and family. He will probably visit and he will still supply ice...if we need him we can send for him. But he won't-he won't be here."

"I know." Elsa gave her face little kisses, wishing she could take away the fat tears currently rolling down her own cheeks.

"Elsa I'm going to miss him so much." Anna turned her body completely into Elsa and kept crying. All Elsa could do was keep holding her, keep kissing and nuzzling her face. She wasn't really sure how a genuine breakup and aftermath went. All she had to compare were the times she had separated from Anna, once in a flurry of drama to the North Mountain and again clad in her white dress and riding Nokk.

How she had hurt her...and Anna did not deserve more hurt.

"You will Anna, I know. He needs to do this though. Kristoff needs to heal and this will probably help him." Elsa also knew how much Ryder talked about Kristoff and looked forward to his visits. Someone eager to see him and spend a ton of time bonding with him - actually, Kristoff was probably going to have a nice time up there."Think about the fact he will be happy," she tried to tell her.

Anna nodded a little against her. "He will. I want him happy, so happy. I wish I could have done that for him. I just couldn't."

"And that's okay, Anna. You deserve to be true and honest with yourself." She returned to peppering her with kisses. "It's difficult, yes. It will get better with time." That much she was sure of. Anna's guilt would go over time and Kristoff would still be there for them. For the moment he had wounds he needed to lick somewhere away from them.

"Maybe. With you...it hasn't." Anna looked up at her. "Ever since you left to stay up there I've missed you every day. And now, he'll be up there, and when we are normal again, will you...you'll...what will happen?" she finally asked.

Elsa hadn't expected to be asked that but she knew it was something to address. As a result she wasn't totally thrown off by the question. "Oh Anna...I..I haven't thought about the forest much as all these two days. I'm not even sure I want to go back to living there." She meant it.

"You...wait, what?" Anna sniffed and looked up at her. Her eyes glittered with hope.

"I'm not completely sure yet! I...there is much I still want to learn and see through Ahtohallan and I do enjoy the spirits." Not feeling them ebbing into her mind was strange but freeing. She felt like she had before the call, minus having powers.

Anna studied her face as if looking for any trace of a trick. "You mean it?" The tears weren't falling anymore. "I know you said you aren't sure but..."

"I do mean it. Being without you isn't right. Its not-leaving you had never been part of my plans and though I was distracted, I have still longed to be with you." She kissed the corner of her mouth. "I just don't know what the right decision is." She knew. She just wasn't sure how to go about shifting her life again. Perhaps it was easier than she thought...

"For now, I'll take that answer," Anna said cuddling into her. "For now I need that answer. It doesn't make me feel totally better about Kristoff, but...but it helps." She hugged Elsa under the cloak and rested her head on her shoulder. "It helps."

"I love you, Anna." Elsa closed her eyes and let the feeling of their shared flame envelope them, the chill far away. She rocked just slightly as she sought a way to comfort Anna further. Anna crying wasn't something she was okay with unless it was in joy.

"I love you too," Anna murmured. "I want you to stay forever."

"I know you do," Elsa replied with a smile growing on her face. Could there be a person sweeter than Anna? "We should eat, Anna. The soup will get cold, and even with ice powers I liked my soup hot." She didn't pull away.

"You're right...and YOU should eat!" Anna moved and Elsa opened her eyes to see her looking at her. "You need to warm up Elsa."

Elsa beamed at her. "I'm warm right now. But I am also hungry. Let's enjoy our lunch," she told her, and Anna agreed.

They stayed together under the cloak, cuddled together as they enjoyed their meal. Anna raised her ladle to Elsa's mouth several times and giggled as she fed her while Elsa rolled her eyes but smiled and took it. They linked their arms as they sipped down their hot tea, sharing little glances with barely any talking. Anna's face still showed a little red, her eyes too and her makeup was a little runny - Elsa still liked actual makeup and so her sister used it too.

They decided after eating to go up to their room and fix Anna up. Both of them needed a minute before trying to resume the day. Their emotions were running high, mostly in a good way but Elsa was aware that Anna's sadness hadn't up and vanished. She could still feel it even as Anna hid it for the castle staff.

The basket and dishes were returned to the kitchen. As they exited, Elsa heard music. It was beautiful music, a waltz full of wonder. Violins worked under expert fingers and the carefree melody of the flutes made her smile. "That's wonderful, what is...oh!" Realization dawned on her.

At the same time, Anna responded. "Ah, Menander's band must be rehearsing for tonight! Some of ours are joining, I think. I know they all had a great time last time they all played together."

"Oh it's amazing. Tonight will be great," Elsa told her as they climbed the stairs to the bedroom.

"Uh huh, but you're forgetting something." Anna snickered. "You don't dance, Elsa."

"So? Why would tha-ooooh." Oh no. The queen was going to be expected to dance. And she was going to have to dance nicely while looking happy about it.

There was a small amount of give luckily. Anna was graceful but she was also Anna, which meant she got carried away and sometimes tripped over her feet or knocked over another human being. Elsa didn't think she would go quite that far, but perfection from her would actually be a bit suspicious.

They reached the room and the music could still be heard. Anna grabbed Elsa's hand and pulled her in, giggling and closing the door. "Come on come on!" she said, leading Elsa to the open part of the room.

The music was very muffled, but it was there. "Anna..." Elsa had a feeling she knew what Anna was about to do.

And she was right. Anna pulled her close and put an arm around her waist. She raised Elsa's other hand in her own and squeezed it. "Time for you to dance. Put your arm over mine."

"Is this right?" Elsa asked, a bit thrown off. She'd watched people dance hundreds of times. She just hadn't felt like paying total attention since she, again, did not dance.

"Yes," Anna said, and she began to move her feet. "Follow my lead, Elsa. We're going to dance." She smirked at Elsa.

Elsa glared back. "You're enjoying this too much."

"I sure am!" Anna gave a little tug to encourage Elsa to move with her.

With some reluctance, Elsa finally lifted a foot to follow. The music was nice and she did kind of want to move to it, just, in her own way. She let Anna guide her, trying to follow her steps.

She stepped on her foot. "Ow!" Anna yelped.

"Sorry!" Elsa tried to pull her hand back from on top of Anna's arm, but Anna shot her a look.

"Don't you dare. Dance with me, Elsa. Move with me," she said and her voice was so soft it sort of lulled Elsa back in.

It was sort of tricky, but Elsa caught on quickly as Anna moved them around the room. Her hand remained in Anna's tight grip as her fingers gently played on her back. They drew ever closer and Elsa began to lose herself a little, everything blurring slightly. Her body almost moved of its own volition without Elsa even trying to tell it to. Her footwork matched Anna's and they went together seamlessly. The music felt louder even though she was sure through the floor and doors they should barely be able to hear it.

In fact, it was as though there were an orchestra in her head and suddenly it happened again.

Elsa was in her body. Anna was in hers. Even though they switched they continued to dance with each other without missing a step. Elsa was looking into Anna's brilliant eyes, the rims not red and her face smooth and perfect. There was no trace of sadness at all. Instead there was glee. There was laughter. There was love.

They were pressed together as their arms ended up around each other once again, turning in slow circles. Anna reached up once to tuck a stray hair of Elsa's before her arm returned to the embrace. They were one and it was perfect.

It was unsurprising that their faces grew closer. They touched their foreheads And Elsa stroked her face. Lips connected once again and eyes closed as they melted into one another. The music was all around them. It encouraged them and told them to keep going. It was even stronger than the call of Ahtohallan had been...

Elsa felt she could stay like that forever. She wanted to. Reality had to come back, however, and the music began to quiet. Their lips separated though they held each other still, and they were back in their bodies. Elsa was almost disappointed. She wanted to see Anna's face.

Even if she couldn't see her face, Anna was still there in her arms. For the moment that was more than enough.

#Frozen 2 #fanfic #elsanna #elsa #anna #olaf #kristoff

40 notes · View notes

dovakhiindrabbles · 5 years

Note

Have you done anything for J'zargo or Kharjo, or even Derkeethus yet? IDK if it's even within your flavor spectrum, so you totally don't have to. But if you are ok with it though; maybe surprise us with a little story that involves 1 of them? 😻 Whatever prompt/story idea you want, I'm just really wanting to read something about 1 of them in your fun style!

Uh, hot take but the fact that I can’t marry Kharjo still upsets me a little to this day. I don’t entirely get why you can’t marry any khajit characters in general honestly, but that’s why I’m here – so I can write a fic where you can marry him

Anyways, I’d be super happy to write this prompt for you! I only hope that you have a marvelous day and enjoy!

———————————————————————————————————–

Someone had left you nightshade.

It happened one foggy morning where mist brimmed on your skin and only the songs of a few wayward birds alerted you to the rising of the sun.

You stretched your limbs and let out a yawn before slipping on your scattered boots and a heavy overcoat, the autumn chill thick in the air. You tipped back the flap of your tent to creep outside when the sight of a peculiarly bright purple caught your attention.

It was nightshade – the deadly flower used in all sorts of poisons and venoms – a herald for danger in the stories you heard as a child. Even now it lingered in use of summoning the Dark Brotherhood – perhaps the most resonant symbol for difficult times.

A knot ensnared in your throat and whatever air was in your lungs vanished at the very sight of the sickeningly vibrant violet petals.

“Oh gods…” You whispered with a suddenly shaky voice. You glanced around hurriedly, anything could’ve been lingering in those bushes and trees. “Gods, we need to leave!”

You scrambled from your shelter and to the tent beside you where your companion, Kharjo, slept, flinging back the tent opening with eyes as wide as saucers, fear plastering your expression.

Kharjo was already awake, sharpening one of his daggers when you arrived. His ears pricked up attentively and his pupils filled in grand inky circles – a smile tinging at the end of his lips.

“We need to leave…!” You huffed out through your clenched jaw. “We need to need now!”

Kharjo wrinkled his nose in confusion and leaned forward as he saw your evident panic. His hand clasping your own, gentle and soft, would’ve soothed your worries most any other time – but then, it only propelled your fear.

If something happened to him… you wouldn’t know what you’d do. The very thought made your blood run cold. Your very lip began to quiver.

“Slow down,” Kharjo squeezed your palm, his fur warming your snow-touched skin. “What’s going on?”

You swallowed hard and ushered him out, your companion easily towering over you like a pillar to a fern. You pointed to the soft purple plant at your tent, almost annoyingly idle.

“Someone left nightshade outside my tent,” You exclaimed. “I think the Dark Brotherhood o-or someone is after us! It’s too dangerous to stay here.”

Kharjo’s ears drooped in an instant. His fur puffed out in embarrassment and even his tail swept sheepishly at the ground. “I… are you s-sure about this?” He rubbed the back of his sneck, biting the inside of his cheek.

“What do you mean?”

You were already bundling all your things together, even taking apart your tent in your urgency. This wasn’t something you were willing to wait for. “What else could it mean when someone leaves you a deadly plant?”

You shot up and pieces of your things scattered from your grip. You stifled a series of bitter curses. “I-I mean the damn thing is used to summon the dark brotherhood for their contact killings!”

“Oh fuck-” An idea popped into your head that made you lose your grasp entirely. “What if it’s a threat? What if someone is going to send the Brotherhood after us?”

Kharjo appeared to crumple further and further within himself. He couldn’t bring himself to move and though he’d never admit it, the fearless mercenary nearly forgot to breathe.

“I ah – I think we should talk…” He took a few weary steps to you as you knelt down in some feeble attempt to collect your items once more.

“We can talk once we’re on the move,” You spoke in a slurred mess of worry. “You should start packing!”

“No, I shouldn’t,” Kharjo sat down beside you, his eyes so utterly drenched in color that softened alongside his voice. “because nothing is wrong.”

You stopped to gawk at him in confusion. “Kharjo, I know we can take on anyone – we’re a good team but I’m not willing to take the-”

A bit of quiet laughter slipped from Kharjo. “I never thought the Dragonborn would be so easily frightened.” His ears perked up and his smile couldn’t help but almost gift you the same.

Ever since you’d met he’d had that sort of miraculous effect you hadn’t found with any other. Like a scale you both balanced one another out just so from the very moment your both intertwined as a stranger willing to listen to the stories of a simple caravan guard.

You wrinkled your nose and a bit of indignancy bubbled to the surface. “I-I’m not scared for me!” The shroud of pride melted away as your shoulders sank and forced your nervous eyes to meet his own. The weight and worry pooling in your gaze as solid as stone. “I’m scared for you – of losing you.” You bit your lip, your words caught in tremors. “I-I can’t stand the thought – I don’t know what I’d do if… if I lost you…!”

A few tears slipped from your eyes and trickled down your cheeks. Almost frantically, Kharjo raced to wipe them away, his fingers still brushing your face. “You’re not going to lose me! I’m fine, you’re fine and…”

He swallowed hard, mustering a sheepish confession as his ears fell back against his head.

“I… left the nightshade.”

You heard the words but they didn’t quite process through your head for a good few minutes. However, once it did, your jaw nearly dropped.

Like he’d spoken a foreign language your expression twisted into one of absolute bewilderment.

“You… you what?”

Kharjo’s fur puffed out in alarm. He scrambled for the flower still settled before what once had been your tent. He grasped it in his paws and unfurled, allowing you to see in the early sunlight.

“It’s not what you think!” he urged. “I swear!”

He folded his lips and frowned as he studied the petals like one may with a jewel. “In my home… it is a gift for loved ones – for protection – it’s to tell someone you care… that you…” He glanced away, red creeping to the bare tips of his ears. “you love them…”

A period of silence passed between the two of you, two hearts, both beating with the strength of a pounding drum within your chests.

Kharjo took in a sharp breath and wrinkled his snout with a suddenly hurried, embarassed tone. “B-Besides, when we first met you brought something precious to me, my amulet! I only thought I should return the favor.”

He pushed the nightshade into your open palm, both of you hesitant to let the other’s hand pass your fingers.

“I just want you to be safe… and know I lo-” He thought better of himself. “I care for you very much.”

Everything about him eased in an instant – speaking just above a whisper. “I’m sorry I caused such a fuss, I truly did not mean for it.”

He rose from his spot beside you and mindlessly began to collect his things, smiling faintly. “But as long as we’re ready, we may as well get back on the road. No use wasting daylight!”

As if you could actually focus on packing now. Your stomach swarmed with butterflies and heat rushed to your face – to say the least, you roughly resembled a strawberry.

You could barely pay attention to a single thing other than that silly Kahjit and his even sillier gift.

It was without foresight, fragile, and ridiculously dangerous.

But you loved it – more than words could describe and with simply all your heart.

And you adored Kharjo.

So, with as equally little foresight as your companion, you lifted yourself up, leaned down beside him, and pressed a chaste, gentle kiss to his cheek.

Kharjo’s fur exploded outwards in what one could only describe as a ‘poof’. He whipped his head to you a gawking gaze and thinly lined pupils.

You beat him to the first word.

“I love you too.”

He reached crazily for a sound – any coherent sound he could possibly respond to you with. It took far longer than he liked to admit.

“Y-You… love me? I-I mean as I love you?” He sputtered a few nervous laughs. “N-Not that I’m saying I love you in a certain way! W-We could always forget this whole morning happened if you mean-”

“I love you exactly as you love me,” You simpered. “I’m just sorry I don’t have a flower for you to show it.”

Kharjo smile dso wide it must’ve hurt, pulling you into an embrace so tight and so tender in had no place in the icy tundra of Skyrim.

“It’s not necessary. You are more than enough.”

#Skyrim #Kharjo #Skyrim Kharjo #Skyrim Fanfic #Skyrim Fanfiction #Fanfic #Fanfiction #Kharjo x Reader #Kharjo x Dragonborn #Kharjo x You #x reader #skyrim the elder scrolls #skyrim tes #I thought I'd post an actual writing since I've done so much Rosie stuff

116 notes · View notes

cosmosogler · 7 years

Text

after this many instances, i can’t tell if being dressed up like an ice cream cone just makes my day horrible or if being dressed up like an ice cream cone is what makes me feel a little sillier after a horrible day.

i dunno. pastel colors are just cheerful. i like these shorts and they only go with the ice cream shirt and the pokemon shirt.

well. i tried to sleep early last night but i was kept awake by, hmm, the usual sort of memories that make your eyes snap open when you’re laying alone in the dark. snoop won’t protect me the way i know eve would. i could feel the, just... heaviness wearing into my face as i tried to settle in and get some sleep.

it keeps me up a lot of nights. weird things set it off. laying in certain positions. unpredictable trains of thought, or maybe my thoughts just get derailed every now and then. certain noises. makes it hard to get comfortable.

i don’t have to “bury the hatchet” with dad if he doesn’t acknowledge there even is a hatchet, right? because his behavior during the family vacation was unacceptable and he never said even one word about it except to be passive aggressive the last month at home.

i wonder if mom notices that i ask about my brother and sister and the dogs but not dad. honestly i don’t really care how he’s doing... i don’t have energy to devote to things i don’t care about and i don’t have the energy to pretend i do care either.

i actually don’t usually ask mother how she is doing either. i feel like that’s a bad habit to get into. i really don’t have any other resources right now though. since i’m three hours ahead of my family now i really can’t... find any good time of day to call my siblings and chat with them. not that i was talking to them that much at home anyway...

anyway i went to school. i left at 7:55, which is TECHNICALLY before 8. i had woken up while it was still dark, 6:30... it was hard to get moving.

no one was at the department when i got there except people who were actively teaching classes so i sat at my desk and tried to power through the quantum homework by myself. i did get a little help with the problem i had trouble with last night from an internet acquaintance, and i did the third and fourth problems by myself with not too much trouble.

jennica came into the office about 10 minutes before class and i asked her for help. she pointed out what i should focus on and i compared it to algebra distribution and she said “not at all.” then she proceeded to describe how to do the problem using algebra distribution and i got annoyed but i didn’t say anything at the time. quibbling about what to call the thing i was doing cost me time i needed. i tried to do the rest between mechanics and quantum and didn’t get it done. i had to turn it in anyway. i was a little over halfway through it. at least i ha all the other problems done.

after quantum i was hanging out with the other students in suzanne’s office and we were talking about how to manipulate operators because the professor had not been clear on what exactly he was doing when he showed us some stuff at the end of class. he’d skipped a step or two and we were trying to kind of reverse engineer his final equation. jennica disagreed with us about where we could put the operator, even though it was clearly shown in the book. then she started doing the exact same thing we had just done on the blackboard and continued to disagree with us while using the math we had just used. i got that angry static in my head so i went out to try to eat some lunch in my office.

i know she’s probably smarter than i am, or at least a more consistent worker, but it’s frustrating to argue with someone who agrees with you but won’t consciously agree with you. and it’s frustrating to argue with someone when you’re using facts from the textbook with the page open and they are saying “no, that’s wrong.” and then not explaining why they think that.

but she got the homework done and i didn’t. so.

anyway i was checking my emails while i was unpacking my lunchbox and i found the email from the physics adviser.

(aside- i instinctively spell it “advisor” and i can’t figure out why because every spellcheck keeps correcting me. i looked it up on google and the dictionary says either is fine but i don’t like the red line.)

so my test scores were so bad that i had to meet with him in less than two hours to discuss “schedule adjustments.” i responded the responsible way: by freaking the hell out. i paced around in my office for about 30 minutes before i gave up on trying to sit down and i went out to the counseling center for my group intake appointment. i also stopped by the pharmacy. and i tried to call mom four times. she didn’t answer. i talked to oz about it a little bit while i was walking and waiting at the center.

i know, deep down, that in my field any sign of weakness or inconsistency is basically death. getting sick will get you laid off when finances get low. being a woman will get you laid off when finances get low because if you’re a woman you have to be exceptional to be considered average. (white) men with the very same qualifications get priority.

i do not have the advantage of good health. i just don’t. this seriously hurts my ability to perform on a rigorous class schedule. this is why i think that i may not... get my phd. i am afraid that knowing i might not get it is what will cause me to not get it. i’m afraid that the lack of confidence is going to be the deciding factor here. but i can’t not know about this. it’s a very real handicap for me. when i am too stressed for too long my internal organs start permanently shutting down apparently.

ha ha, in a few years i’m not going to have any non-vital organs left. probably.

during my intake interview i started crying and said i was very unhappy today. i felt really bad for taking this interview and making it about this upcoming talk with the advisor. i had brought up that one of my goals for group would be to make the transition to graduate life... at that point i was worried about it still being “graduate” by the end of the day though.

you know, when i went to the pharmacy, i kept telling myself “i’m not going to need those later” in an effort to talk myself out of refilling my medications. i’m not going to need those later, it doesn’t matter, nothing means anything.

when i looked at the front door i sighed and said to myself, “but i will need them later, won’t i.” and that heaviness fell over my entire body again. i’m not afraid to die as much as i am afraid to survive.

mom finally called back as i was leaving to get to the advisor’s office back in the physics department. i told mom what was going on and she said “well, talk to him then!” and i dunno, i felt so brushed aside. i didn’t tell her i was afraid of losing my tuition waiver or my paycheck because of the change in course credits or whatever was going to happen.

the professor was very nice as usual. he did tell me that my prelim results were extremely worrying. i actually almost passed the thermo portion of the test, but i got essentially a 0 in literally every other subject. he wanted me to drop down into undergrad courses for two out of my three subjects. it ended up that undergrad quantum meets exactly during my classical mechanics lecture, so i got to stay in graduate quantum. he said that was very risky. i told him it wasn’t that i was deciding to take a risk so much as that looked like it was just how it was going to be. he said yeah.

he was nice about it... he told me that once the university had taken on a graduate student they couldn’t just screw them immediately and that he and the board had put a lot of effort into adjusting my schedule to make sure i had a chance to succeed. and retaking one graduate course next year won’t put me too behind schedule. but if i don’t get a b+ or higher in any of the courses i’m taking now i would be in a lot of trouble schedule-wise and gpa standard-wise.

i dunno. i feel like i didn’t actually have any control over any part of this situation. i feel like i got cheated out of the potential to do well on that test by my eight-month illness. i feel like i should have kept going anyway even though i could only eat so little that i had even lost a lot of weight.

feeling cheated is the worst. or, one of the worsts.

i feel like i don’t have any control over the direction my life is going in. i mean... i’m making choices, i’m making a lot of them every day and lots of compromises and calculations. but big picture wise i am severely limited by how sick i get and by how dumb i am. i didn’t have any choice about how my schedule was going to change. i didn’t have any choice in which grad school i got to go to.

i guess i made the choice to go to grad school at all. 2 choices is NOT very many though.

i chose to cough up a pile of money for snoopy’s well-being. mike told me that it is worth it, cats will definitely live longer if they are on the prescription diet after they get kidney disease. snoopy doesn’t have a lot of control over her life. i try to give her some say in what happens. i ask to pet her, i stop brushing if she doesn’t want to even if she’s still kinda grimy. it’s sometimes easier to figure out what cats do and don’t want than it is to figure that out with dogs.

i’m not gonna compensate for the lack of control in my life by grabbing snoopy’s though. i’m just trying to recognize that i can work within some parameters. even if i’m not happy about the way my academic life is already falling apart around me 10 days into the semester.

so i got a new e&m class and professor with the undergrads. his teaching style is a mess but i already know the material very well from this part of the course. i’m kind of surprised and shocked that he is doing this part of the course so early- why aren’t they working on point charges and forces BEFORE they do flux and green’s theorem and stuff like that?

he asked me to meet with him tomorrow after lunch. so i’ll be doing that i guess. i need to look up his course web page and syllabus...

after class i was feeling REALLY bad so i went home. i said hi to snoopy and cleaned her litter box and sat around for a while. then i made spaghetti for dinner. it was missing something, and i’m not sure what it was, but i know i didn’t have it anyway. i’m thinking i should use a different kind of marinara sauce.

then i ate a ton of oreos and listened to a taz episode. it was really good... the podcast, i mean. the oreos had gotten a little stale. i forget that it’s humid here and food ages differently.

i had meant to get to some homework from my to-do list but i spent the night diddling around on the computer doing basically nothing instead. i also had ice cream because i just really wasn’t feeling good at all emotionally and i wanted sugar.

tomorrow i need to teach two labs in a row!!! hopefully it will go better than my first one, which did not go well at all!!!!!

i’m not sure how to proceed here. i didn’t really... read anything tonight. like the lab manual, which i did want to brush up on before i tried to teach the lab again. there was all kinds of weird stuff in there that we didn’t do in the practice lab last thursday and i wanted to be more familiar with it. maybe i can do that before i leave tomorrow. i’ll try to get up a little earlier...

man, i don’t want to sleep at all. i remembered my dream last night. i kept getting talked over by neckbearded dudes. i couldn’t do anything without getting interrupted, and also i was in a part of “dirt college town” that i had never been in before and it was difficult at best to navigate. at the end i was wandering around in a swamp (which was also in a computer?) and there were the nerds trying to “find secrets” and also there was a bear. i wanted to be alone i think. well, i do now.

#tw suicide

2 notes · View notes