#anyway i did write two(2) things today bc i felt like it so thats cool . they are queued :]

[planetjisungie]

lucky charms- h.rj

characters; ravenclaw! renjun x hufflepuff! reader ft. gryffindor! mark and gryffindor! jeno (sigh)

summary; with the exams coming up, you need a little help with your charms. well you dont, you just needed an excuse to talk to your long time crush, huang renjun

an; i literally changed this on the spot 🤡 plot holes here i come- (also id like to think jeno is more of a hufflepuff but idk man)

sigh okay this is a long boi

end of year exams were in just a few weeks

yay, your absolute favourite !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sarcasm

now, charms

in room 99, classroom 2E in the south tower

i did my research

you were pretty good at charms, not nearly as good as you were in the care of magical creatures and herbology though

still above averagely good

you know who else was good at charms?

huang renjun

the star ravenclaw prince boy, the pride of the house and a very beautiful boy

best boi renjun

if jeno was being quite honest he was SICK AND TIRED of hearing you two pine over eachother

jeno met you in first year, and you quickly became best friends and even ended up in the same house as eachother

despite having different friend groups (your friend group consisted of you and eunji), you stayed best friends until now aka 5th year

just go with it okay

so as he was saying before i digressed, jeno physically is pained as he watched the longing glances both you and renjun throw when the other isnt looking

but it isnt his business to meddle with your lack of relationship problems

best boi part 2

BUT! but! he will give you both a tiny! eensy! little! minuscule! nudge

that nudge being forming a plan with you

you were slightly reluctant when jenos very enthusiastic face greeted you at the table saying he had ‘a totally brilliant, spectacular, show stopping, wonderful, flawless plan’

this was jeno we were talking about

the same boy who planned the failed midnight snack run a few weeks before

and as soon as he mentioned renjun your eyes narrowed

"proceed."

the plan was for jeno to ask renjun to tutor his friend who was falling behind in charms

said friend was you

and you were ahead of the class

bUT!! you agreed because he wasnt in your class, so there was no way he could know that right?

wrong.

who was in your class?

mark lee. one of renjuns best friends.

also the boyfriend of eunji and the reason you wanted to gauge your eyeballs out everytime you turned around to talk to them

thats right eunji ditched you to sit next to her little markie. bitch.

nonetheless, you agreed because your dumb, spontaneous ass forgot that renjun even knew mark, because if someone said ‘whos mark?’ you would go ‘eunjis boyfriend’

so of course, when all the students were making their way to their class, jeno caught up with renjun seeing as they both had muggle studdies

"hey man, i have a favour to ask"

stage one of operation: stop the oblivious fuckers from pining over eachother (that name may need some revamping) was a-go

"depends what said favour is"

smart boi™️

"is it possible to tutor one of my friends in charms for the upcoming OWLs?"

oh? this piqued china pretty boys interest

"i mean, sure, i could do with some revision too. tell them to meet me at the library after school"

and so jeno walked away with a smug smirk, victorious

and when jeno told you he had agreed later in potions, you were yet you werent surprised

so of you trotted after last period, kinda nervous because youre about to be in the literal breathing proximity of renjun

like obviously youve talked to him before but this time it was just you and him

alone

no get those thoughts out of your head

n e ways u perv

renjun sat at the back table, textbooks and notebooks with his neat writing in both chinese and korean all over the pages

smart boi part 2

so seeing him not looking at you

attention whore

wow why am i so mean today

you sat down and cleared your throat, placing your blank notebooks on the table so the boy wouldnt get suspicious

you had to pray to whatever gods were listening for your cheeks not to flare up the colour of the strawberries you had for breakfast

healthy girl™️

and the gods apparently answered your prayers

because as soon as renjun looked up and into your eyes you swore you were too distracted for your blood cells to even think about moving towards your face

and renjun nearly had a heart attack (by aoa)

poor boy

jeno had NOT told him that he would be tutoring you

he was going to be choked later

"sorry im late"

renjun was nearly offended that you would even apologise to him for being late by

2 minutes and 48 seconds

"no no its okay i havent been here long"

that was a lie he had study period last and has been sat in the same goddamn chair for an hour already but your presence made his ass cheeks ache less

so he started teaching you, but ???

you seemed to fully grasp the concepts

confused boi

excuse me ma’am/sir/señor/señorita whatever you prefer to go by-

you need to brush up on your acting skills dude

appalling smh your drama teacher back from your muggle school would be completely distraught

so for the next hour renjun ‘tutored’ you

things you already knew but this was a dream-

and actually he was a funny guy

he was also muggle born, so you could both relate over things you experienced as a kid

this lead to a raging debate over dora the explorer

that bitch was shaded in said debate, fully annihilated

hola soy dora your asshole

but,, it was fun. because jeno was pureblood and grew up knowing about all his magicky stuff so he was kinda boring sometimes

no tea no shade

but you ended the session with smiles on both your faces, cheeks literally aching with how hard youd been laughing and smiling

so lads

the next day at breakfast renjun was all happy, plonking himself next to mark at the gryffindor table because

man does not give a SHIT about the looks he was getting. he is huang renjun.

"why are you so smiley this morning? and why didn’t you come to my common room last night"

the gryffindor common room was the dreamie hang out

no one dared tell THE mark lee to go somewhere else with his friends

"sorry, last night i was tutoring y/n in charms" smiley boy still

mark seagull eyebrows: activated

excuse him?? charms?? you?? the one who got an outstanding in your report card??

something smells fishy here

"renjun... y/n got an outstanding on her charms"

eunji who had magically appeared next to mark basically said what he was just thinking

confused boi part ??

"wait what?"

but later on he didnt question you about it

he silently observed you

he told himself that anyway

quite honestly if you were spending time with him he was not about to complain

he was staring at you, simply put

my leng bby (thats you, youre my leng bby)

so for the next 2 weeks every day after school you would meet up to ‘catch up’ on your charms

that being said it literally always, every time, ended up with you two talking about something unrelated

like the 5th day you had a conversation about which series of power rangers was better

"SPD, obviously"

AM I THAT OLD?? on god i hate it here

"no, y/n, we all know that dino force is better"

i agree with y/n on this one pal

on the 7th day you talked about muggle sports that you both enjoyed

"i played a lot of cricket"

"cricket? okay tory"

"i am NOT a tory"

on the last day when you should have been, you know, LEARNING

you were having a lovely old chinwag about the x factor

"simon cowell is a king"

"i agree"

legend behaviour if you ask me

wait does chinwag exist in other countries??? translation: chat

so of course the exams came up

but you were dreading them for a different reason

this meant the end of tutoring with renjun

this was super bittersweet, you wanted to spend more time with eachother

you literally could it wasn’t that deep both of you are so dumb smh aint nothing stopping you

jeno agrees with me too, mans pulling out his hair still as you had somehow not gotten together yet

it was like watching snails race, incredibly frustrating but you know that there is the finish line somwhere over the horizon

so you took your exams and both of you passed with flying colours, obviously

smart kids

and you ran right to renjun to celebrate

seeing as he had

not really helped you but you thought that he thought he helped you

oh no honey he knew that you didnt need help

but he didnt know whether to confront you about it?

rip your guilty conscience

so after a long discussion with mark, our china boy decided to ask why the heck you wanted his help when you were absolutely fully capable

unlike mark

and when you saw him approach you first in the halls your heart went

NYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

that was the sound of a fast motorbike

"hi y/n"

‘damn renjun, couldnt have thought of anything better than that?’

"uhh hi renjun"

awkward silence by stray kids

"i just wanted to know why you asked for my help"

okay where is the nearest shovel and what is the most efficient way to dig a large hole-

as if renjun sensed your panic radiating off you in waves

which he did

"not that it was an issue! i enjoyed spending time with you, it was just, you didnt really need help"

he was a pure boy

so you puffed your cheeks and decided to just come clean

somewhere, jeno felt his senses tingling

"genuinely i just wanted to spend some time with you because i really like you"

renjun froze and wanted to smack his head into a wall

bruh

you noticed his expression and panicked yet again

stop panicking man its okay i gotchu

"it was jenos idea"

blame jeno is always a fool-proof plan b

unless you get pregnant, that would not be a good idea

so i guess its not fool proof

BUT I DIGRESS

renjun face palms and groans

"youre kidding me! all this time we wasted doing boringass charms work when we couldve gone on dates"

confusion™️

but?? you felt hopeful??

"i dont think im on the same wavelength"

"i like you too dumbass"

oH so YOURE the dumbass??

yes, yes you are renjun is best boi, accept the L which is really a W bc renjun likes you back

jeno who had found his way to you, listening from around the corner sighed in happiness

"fucking finally!!"

[ncitytexts]

Flutter.

SUMMARY: you never knew the reason why your heart always fluttered with the boy you had grown up with all your life.

PAIRING: jeno x fem!reader

GENRE: fluff! neighbor!jeno & bestfriend!jeno; friends to lovers au

WORDS: 2.3k.. like exactly 2.3k

WARNINGS: like. a speck of angst in the middle.

A/N: it kinda follows the american school system bc that’s the ... only school system i know LOL but alSO i usually write only soft hours aaaa but lets start off with my first fic with the one n only ... lee jeno hehe

Ever since you moved into your new neighborhood, only one person pops into your mind: Lee Jeno.

He was there when you first moved in, offering you a cookie his mom baked as you timidly clung on to your dad’s leg.

“Go on, sweetie. He’s going to be your future neighbor!”

Slowly approaching the long-limbed, yet small boy, he quickly took your hand in his and started to shake it. “Hello! My name’s Jeno. What’s your name?”

Little did you know that your encounter with Jeno would turn out to be the first of many, many other ones.

You had just turned six years old, and you were going to start your first day of first grade soon. Your mom insisted that you take the bus, calling it a way to  “make new friends”, but being the introvert that you were, it was your worst nightmare. Lightly tugging at your backpack, your mom said, “Come on, sweetheart, you’ll be okay!” You held back tears, and pecked your mom on the cheek before stepping on the bus.

The bus driver gave you a kind smile, but that did nothing to ease your nervousness. You walked down the cramped aisle filled with legs that stuck out and glittery backpacks and looked for lone seats; instead, you spot your neighbor, Jeno. At the same time, he spots you too, and gives you one of his iconic crescent eye smiles. 

“Come sit here, Y/N! We can be seat buddies for school!”

“O-o-okay!”

That was the first time Lee Jeno made your heart flutter.

You’re now twelve, but instead of your first day of first grade, it’s your first day of middle school. Jeno not only had found a new group of friends, but also became one of the biggest heartthrobs in the entire school. He had become good looking and was so tall that he towered over you at times. But still, he never forgot to hang out with you. He often came over to your house most nights to play games with you on your older brothers’ game consoles. He always went on ice cream runs with you and your mom, always yelling to his parents that “he’s off to get ice cream with Mrs. Y/L/N again!” Most importantly, he still rode the bus to and from school with you, insisting that he was your “eternal seat buddy”. 

However, when you stepped on the bus this morning, he wasn’t there in your usual seats, so you ending up walking to your locker alone in the morning.

“I ... can’t ... get ... this ... stupid ... combi-”

All of a sudden, another pair of hands land on your lock, and you look up to find the one and only, Lee Jeno.

“I’m sorry that I was gone this morning ... what’s your combination? I’m sure I could open it.” Jeno says, while giving you another one of his genuine smiles.

Smiling at his genuine willingness to help, you say, “Trust me, Jeno. I might have a better chance at going to the office instead. My dad literally scribbled it down this morning and it could be passed off as a kid’s handwriting. Plus, what if you’re late for class?”

Jeno lets out a laugh and says, “Don’t worry about my classes! Can you read out the combination for me then?” 

“I think it should be 29-10-35,” you hesitantly say, looking down at the crumpled piece of paper in your hands, attempting to decipher your dad’s rushed handwriting. Jeno questioningly looks at you and snatches the paper out of your hands to stick it up to the closest window, as if he believed the sunlight would help him read the messy, loopy handwriting better. Suddenly, he lets out a “Ha!” and hands you back the paper. Jeno turns back to the lock on your locker while whispering, “It’s actually 28,” Click. “19,” Click. “36.” Click.

With one swift motion, he was able to get both the lock in his hands and your locker door wide open. You glance at the nearest clock and it reads 7:58 AM, giving you two minutes before class starts.

“See? I told you I would open it on time. Now, hurry up and get your books! I don’t think all the girls in this school would be fond of you if you were to be late to homeroom with me.” Jeno says with a smirk before holding his hand out to you, ready to sprint to class with you hand-in-hand.

That cocky boy, you thought. Grabbing your textbook and slamming your locker shut, you stuck your lock back on and placed your hand on Jeno’s.

The moment Jeno whisked you away to homeroom with your hand in his is the second time he made your heart flutter.

The ripe age of sixteen has arrived, and your friendship with Jeno has altered in ways that you didn’t expect. For one, Jeno got his license earlier than most kids in the junior class as he had an earlier birthday while your birthday was stuck in the summer, so you weren’t able to get it as quickly. So instead of riding the bus every morning with Jeno, he swore that he would take you to school every morning, which of course, was approved by your parents immediately. Two, junior year was taking a toll on the both of you, so your nightly visits through each other’s windows were shortened to once a week. However, today you had promised Jeno that you would meet him at his house for an AP Biology test study session.

You knocked on his door three times, one time with a pause, proceeded by two quick ones. With this knock, Jeno is sure that you’re the one on the other side of the door, and not another girl from school asking for his number.

“Ah! Y/N! Ready to grind on some bio?” 

Looking back up into his eyes, you lose balance, not realizing that you blanked out and didn’t even notice the door opening. You lean forward a little in an attempt to regain your balance, but your knees lock instead. Jeno steadies you by holding onto your waist, and says, “You okay?” You nod almost instantly, cheeks reddening out of embarrassment.

You take off your shoes before entering Jeno’s house and you’re instantly greeted by his mom. “Oh! Y/N! Jeno didn’t tell me you were coming,” she says while wiping off her hands with a towel, “I would’ve made you guys my neighborhood famous cookies!” She winks jokingly and you respond, “Your cookies are just too good, Mrs. Lee. I was all over them when you brought them over last week!” with a smile as Mrs. Lee approaches you for a hug. 

“Hey! Don’t think I’ll let you steal her heart from me!”

Before you can give Mrs. Lee a nice “I’m-glad-to-see-you-again” hug, you turn around to find Jeno leaning against the stairs. Realizing he saw the entire encounter, you smirk at him, saying, “And what if I do? Your mom is just so sweet!” You can hear Mrs. Lee laugh behind you as Jeno walks up to the both of you and says, “You’ll have to steal my heart before you can steal my mom’s!”

When Jeno said that, it was the third time he made your heart flutter.

Jeno then takes your hand and says, “Okay, mom, I’m gonna go study upstairs with Y/N. We have our AP Biology test soon and I don’t think you want us getting two’s. Bye! Love you!” Mrs. Lee responds with a “Mhm.” before Jeno leads you back up to his room, with your hand still in his. 

Once you step foot into his room, a wave of memories hit you. 

“Tsk. Y/N, are you climbing through my window again?”

Midway through his window, you say, “Sorry, I’m home alone again. And I keep hearing weird noises! Jeno, I’m just scared.” Jeno looks up from his school project that’s scattered all over his desk with a glue stick in one hand and a pair of scissors in the other. “So, what do you want me to do? Cut them apart with scissors? Snip snip!” 

After you helped Jeno with his Egyptian project for his presentation on Monday, you found the both of you staring at his ceiling, adorned by glow-in-the-dark plastic stars and planets. You began to fall asleep while Jeno was talking, and the last thing you remember is Mrs. Lee whispering to you that “your parents are here to get you”.

“Hello? Earth to Y/N? Oh my god, she’s a goner.” Jeno says while vigorously trying to snap his fingers in front of your face. You grab his hand and say, “Stop it, you dork, I need more help on cellular respiration. I can’t remember any of the products again.” Jeno makes a sound in agreement and you feel buzzes coming from your phone in your back pocket.

[2:03 PM] juuuudy🧚🏻‍♀️: hey y/n where are you rn?

[2:03 PM] diane💃🏻: yeah where you at bro? let’s go get ice cream!

[2:03 PM] y/n: oh i’m @ jeno’s rn for ap bio. guys i cannot fail

[2:04 PM] juuuudy🧚🏻‍♀️: WHat YOU’RE AT JENOS

[2:04 PM] diane💃🏻: WAIT DO U MEAN T HE LEE JENO

[2:04 PM] diane💃🏻: BRO WTF GET US HIS NUMBER

[2:04 PM] juuuudy🧚🏻‍♀️: ^^^ agreed!!!!!1

[2:05 PM] y/n: guys i can’t just give y’all his number thats just creepy

[2:05 PM] juuuudy🧚🏻‍♀️: bro wtf.... do u like him or smth?

Before you can type out a reply to Judy’s text, Jeno whisks your phone away from your hands. “Hey! Give me my phone back!” you say, trying to get it from his hands, but his height allows him to keep it held high above his head while he attempts to read the texts that you sent. All of a sudden, he stops resisting you and hands your phone back. Confused, you’re prepared to tease him as to why he gave into you, but you’re interrupted by Jeno saying, “Do you like me?”

Shocked and unable to answer, you were only able to spit out an “I don’t know.” You had never felt this nervous before, as you’ve never thought of it that way. But perhaps, you do have feelings for him. Jeno, clearly confused and also unable to answer, simply says with a straight face, “Let’s just get to work on AP Bio. You said you needed help anyways,” before turning back to his desk.

Instead of a fluttering heart, your heart broke into a million pieces.

But what you didn’t know is that he really had just hoped that you said you liked him.

It’s been two years after he asked if you liked him, and it’s never left your mind. Jeno ended up acting like nothing had happened anyways.

Now, both you and Jeno are eighteen. Your graduation is set to happen tomorrow afternoon, and you’re getting a whole wave of nervousness running throughout your body. Trying on dress after dress, Jeno sits in your room clearly bored and swiping mindlessly on his phone. When you finally find a V-neck dress that’s just the right length and adorned with a floral pattern, you step out of your bathroom to show Jeno.

Noticing that his eyes are still glued to his phone, you say, “Jeno? Hello?” He still doesn’t look up, so you decide to spit out nicknames you knew he wouldn’t like. “Jeno-jaem! Loser! Momma’s boy!” is the three nicknames that finally get his attention.

“Dude, you know I hate that nick-”

Jeno’s mouth gapes open as he looks you up and down. You notice his ears getting slightly red when you say, “So? Is this the dress I should wear?” Stuttering, Jeno replies, “U-u-uh, yeah.” You look at him suspiciously and mumble, “Okay, I guess not then.” As you turn back to the bathroom to change, he quickly grabs your hand and says, “What I meant is that you look beautiful in it. Absolutely stunning in it.” 

You can feel yourself blush. His hand is still holding yours, and after a few seconds of silence, you feel yourself suddenly asking the same daring question he asked two years ago.

“Do you like me?”

Expecting a rejection, you let go of his hand and turn back around. However, this time, he pulls your hand back into a tight hug and says, “Maybe I do. And maybe I’ve liked you since the first time I met you.”

It’s finally the day of your graduation, and you’re lucky enough to be sitting next to Jeno. While sitting on white chairs lined up across the stadium’s field, you can feel all eyes on you and Jeno. Ever since last night, Jeno has been close to you, making all the girls around you become filled with instant jealousy and envy.

You look down in your lap and play with your fingers nervously when you hear Jeno say, “Don’t worry about them. I know you think they’re all looking at you, but if it makes you feel better, you’re the only one I’m looking at.” Looking back up into his eyes, you give him the biggest smile accompanied with a blush.

Once the speeches are given and the diplomas are handed out, the principal makes the final, iconic line said at every graduation. Immediately afterwards, the stadium is filled with cheers and yells, as you and Jeno throw your graduation caps up into the air. You both stand up facing each other when he finally makes the bold move to take your face in his hands and connect your plush lips with his.

His simple, yet loving action was the fourth time your heart fluttered for him; except, this time, you know why it was fluttering.

[intothespideyverses]

a modest reinterpretation of “andi’s choice” in c-minor (inspired by a post by @ambimack)

in which bowie ghostwrites a song, andi tries to go ghost on walker, and [insert third awful ghost pun here]: 

so bowie is actually ringing up customers for once at the music store that I figured rarely got business because helloo it’s always damn near empty but I guess today there was a surge of customers seeking out guitar picks and vinyls to show how Cultured and Unique they were for listening to the beatles or whomever. anyway jonah is on his guitar, doing as jonahs are wont to do, and bowie drops the bomb on him with “so yeah remember that music coach I told you about? she hates you. she quite frankly and literally wants you dead. she told me this herself. why didn’t you show up???” and jonah’s like “andi don’t fw me anymore :(” which isn’t rly an answer bc lbr here homeboy was ALREADY running late. you mean to tell me him staring at that painting took 4 whole minutes? nah. 

so anyway bowie’s like “hm let’s change that” bc manipulating your daughter’s emotions behind her back is cool I guess. bowie, totally not projecting in any way whatsoever, suggests that jonah write andi a song. jonah’s not about it tho. “I can’t talk about my feelings!” he says, which is true considering he only just started exhibiting negative emotions for the first time ever last week. bowie goes, “sure u can! what rhymes with back?” and jonah almost says “crack!” bc thats clearly what bowie’s been on for the past 2 episodes but lemme not.

anyway jump to andi @ the spoon and her boo thang who’s not rly her boo thang yet bc terri hates us is facetiming her again. “so andi, my wife whom I would die for, what’s up?” and andi replies “my best friend is moving away :(” so walker, the understanding king he is, goes “aw pick your head up queen, your crown’s falling :’)” and tells her to go be with her friends and something about a bubble machine idk but w/e we still stan.

buffy comes in w/ all the junk the ghc left at her house including a knockoff tamagotchi which seems kinda before andi’s time?? like she was supposedly 7 when she got it which would have been around 2010? but once again w/e we still stan. and buffy reads the recommendation letter cyrus’ mom wrote for him which seemed a tad incomplete. “I can’t believe my mom forgot to add three references, what a waste...” he sighs.

but walker comes in and andi’s like “tf didn’t u just tell me to drink bubble soap and be w/ my friends? what r u doing here?” and walker, the modern day da vinci, says “im here to draw ur friends as a going away present for your fellow queen, buffy” and buffy looks shooketh like hey if andi don’t want him go get him sis! 

so walker draws a louvre level artist rendering of the ghc and instead of appreciating the fact that walker could probably make an exact recreation of the mona lisa, andi’s like “*rolls eyes emoji* *sucks teeth emoji* now i got TWO of these little boys after me what the fuck -_-” but that doesn’t matter bc buffy and cyrus are LIVING for it. 

“im gay so clearly im the better sassy best friend, step tf back bitch”

“the sassy best friend stereotype was made for my black ass cyrus so if you think for even a second I won’t claim my rightful spot you are sadly mistaken”

“let me have this one thing buffy I can’t even say the word gay out loud on this damn show can I at least have this?? can I?”

buffy takes a sip of her virgin margarita and goes...

anyway back at the music shop, jonah has just finished practicing the song bowie ghostwrote for him. jonah’s like “great this is perfect for me to sing outside andi’s window” and bowie quite litcherally flips a table and goes “you rly thought u were gonna pull that corny shit??? what year is it?? 1985 called they want their courtship technique back lol what a loser” and jonah’s like hm perhaps he really is on crack but doesn’t say it out loud bc that would hurt bowie’s feelings :/. bowie says that he already booked jonah to perform at the open mic being held THAT NIGHT lmao and jonah just about has another panic attack bc what??

“what??” he asks bowie who is too busy thinking about him performing “you girl” to bex when they were younger to even remember who jonah even is. jonah’s quite honestly shitting himself and wondering what tf he’s going to do. “being around you” is cute and all but it doesn’t go nearly as hard as andi deserves, especially if he now has to compete with artsy fartsy walker who could probably redo the sistine chapel all by himself if he rly wanted to. “hm..........how can one convey how truly deep in their feelings they are for the one they love?” jonah asks the universe, bc hey it seems to always work for bowie. 

the universe responds by sending a speeding car full of college kids blasting aubrey graham’s newest hit single right into the storefront window. 

“that’s it!” 

jonah’s handing out flyers at the spoon and cyrus literally melts into a puddle and I’m pretty sure this is the first nod to his crush on jonah since he came out to andi wow. andi’s like “since when do u do anything aside from throwing a plastic disc?” and jonah’s like “last week 🤗"

they go to the open mic and some girlie is throwing it DOWN w/ her accordion but bowie being the uncultured swine he is, pulls her off the stage. “anywayyyy here’s our final performance and the only reason we held this show tonight, give a big round of applause to jonah beck!”

jonah walks out with his guitar and an amazon copyrighted product shaped like a portable speaker. bowie’s like 🤨 bc this was supposed to be an acoustic performance tf does he need a backing track for? jonah sits down on his lil stool and clears his throat. “alexa play ‘in my feelings, jonah beck cover’”. the device plays a track consisting of jonah’s angelic backing vocals, and our boy begins to strum his guitar. he opens his mouth to croon...

“trap...trap bowie bowie”

bowie’s chiseled jaw drops to dirty ass music shop floor. “this is...not what I planned.”

“this stuff’s got me in my feelings...gotta be real w/ it...”

the entire audience has a collective heart attack. 

“an-di, do u luv me? r u riding? say you’ll never ever leave from beside me, cause I want ya and I need ya, and I’m down for u always...”

buffy and cyrus catch whiplash from turning so fast to face andi. “the song’s about YOU bitch!”

andi shakes her lil head. “puh-lease, no it’s not”

cyrus, doing his best not to cry, says “he literally just said ur name but go off”

andi’s in denial bc eww j*n*h b*ck? singing a song? for her? disgusting. but jonah keeps singing his little heart out and the lyrics are more and more damning as they go on. 

“trap, trap bowie bowie...I buy you rice on a string cause you not that showy”

“art 101 cause u just like zoey”

“fuck he is singing about me...”

“fudge that netflix and chill what’s ur net-net-net worth?” jonah sings, hitting an impossible high note. queen of vocals. 

“you’re the only one I luv~~~” he serenades, serving us mariah carey level whisper notes. ariana is cancelled! our boy finishes the song, basking in the thought of how many careers he singlehandedly ended by performing at this small hole-in-the-wall music shop in bumfuck, utah. drake your days are numbered sis. 

everyone immediately deserts the shop en masse like did y’all see how fast they all left last episode?? damn. buffy and cyrus stay behind while andi is frozen sitting in her chair bc what the hell does one say to that. 

bowie goes up to jonah and is like “so um...that was...different.” and jonah responds “ikr! see, ‘being around you’ felt too old school, too...2002. idk why that year specifically, but idk it just sounds like it was written in 2002 for a completely different person, maybe even bex, but what do I know? im just your friendly neighborhood jonah beck.” bowie is shook. “anyway, do u think andi liked it?” bowie looks up to see his dorder who he’s more or less forgot about in favor of m*randa and demon child for the past couple of days walking in slow motion to the stage. how she was doing that was beyond him. “well, she looks like she’s about to cry so that’s either a very good thing or a very bad thing. ur on ur own now bud.” and he skidaddles to where bex is waiting. oh yeah bex was in this episode too I forgot. 

andi approaches jonah and he’s like “...so...song....you like?” and andi’s internally screaming bc everyone for the past several weeks has been pushing this relationship on her including jonah himself and now he just sung this song in front of all these ppl and now she pretty much HAS to kiss him so anyway ya she does. 

when she pulls away jonah blinks. “oh...dosche”

THE END. 

will andi finally break up with jonah for good? will jonah avoid copyright infringement for covering a drake song on disney channel? will bowie seek help for his crack addiction? find out next time on dragonball z!

[amc-thoughts]

12 March 2021

wow...... its weird that i read my past journals and i remember the emotions i felt during those times. im honestly glad i wrote these journals as a way to remind me of such hard times. tbh im crying rn bc it was so sad...... summer 2019 abigail... u were just one sad bitch let me tell u 😂😂😂 its funny i can laugh at myself now bc now way did i ever think i would get to this point in my life... 2021 abigail vs 2019 abigail are two different people experiencing different points in their lives... isnt it just funny the way life works??? i find it quite amusing but i supposed thats how life is.... life has a funny way of teaching us things and im glad everything happened to me. break ups, break ups with ur friends LMAO, traveling to a foreign country, corona virus (who would have known huh anyways fuck rona).

tbh idek what im writing.... im kinda just typing whatever comes into my head.... umm currently ur in ur dorms crying in the dark bc u remember how worthless ur past self was feeling... what a crazy time.. i have not cried like this in a while.. which is fine. i am human lol. i guess a part of me just feels lonely... i think i just get sad time to time bc i wish i had a bf HAHA to put things plainly... i miss feeling excited/get butterflies for a stupid boy ... with covid and everything life is just hard to meet ppl... being at hufs and having my classes be online suckssssss. i wish i could meet my classmates and make more friends. but gradually i am getting there ☺️ i met celia today so woohoooo she was fun.

i guess i think in the back of my head how nice it would be to have a bf but rlly having a bf isnt everythinggggg like yes i could die single than to be with a toxic ass boy

***********

me: lol gurl u kno ur type is toxic

also me: gurl u right 🤪

HAHAHAHAHA

***********

i say i want a bf but opening up to a boy is so scary!!!!!!! wtf!!!!! how would i even know a boy here??? i cant go on tinder bc im too shy!!!!! scared!!!! i dont wanna go on a date and he kills me!!! ok i know that was being dramatic but hehe.... i know things usually happen when u least expect it so imma just chilllll.. vibe u kno... haha thats how i have been lately. u just a cool bitch and im PROUD OF YOU!!! me 2 me im proud of u bitch!!! u were so sad and pathetic but now u glow’d up!! look at u makin moves here in koreaaaa!! who else is traveling during a pandemic???? like u badass gorl hype ya self up!!! dont feel sad for urself anymore!!!! (thank u <3 ㅋㅋㅋ)

talking to myself like this makes me feel better. i get to just sit here and self reflect and its nice. i constantly push my worries to the side but u gotta talk about it sometimes

~ in ur letter to shitty ex bf u thanked him but in this letter i want u to thank YOU bitch! thank urself for getting this far in life and doing things you always wanted to do. you’re in a different country for COLLEGE!! thats so excitimg!!! go u!!!! ur so hard working and loving!!! keep being urself bc ppl will only love you for your personality and you will attact what you put out!!!

you’re a different person now....

2021 abigail 🤝 2019 abigail

time to be excited for what is yet to come ☺️ we never know what tomorrow will bring us but we should not let fear consume us and hinders what awaits us ✨✨

[jrbalufbfnzl]

I slept late yesterday n woke up at 9h30 bc my mom ws spamming my phone. I have to text wishes for my fam bc their granddad died and go to the pharmacy. Slept from 1 till almost 10 and didnt feel tired when i woke up. Ill try n b productive today im gna take my pills n walk the dogs. I also have to finish mty sisters drawing n listen to all her memos

I need to cut my hair i cannot stand the sensation

Thinking about having more tats n being anxious bout it for some reason

Ill try to be strong n turn away from food and hopefully as well ill be able to exercise but no food at ALL today sounds grear to me but no pills and no sleeping all day bc it ruins the mood

Didnt wake n bake but didnt meditate, im lazy to meditate thismorn. Been hanging on my phone for a lil more than an hour so ill just go out n do my stuff now

My dogs off her medication today i hope shell getbetter i cannot deal w the stress of her having a chronical serous disease.

I scratched my ears until they bled n couldnt hezr well yesterday

UPDATE : i managed to walk yhe first dog and fed both of em. Im waiting for my pills to kick to walk the second one. It was a struggle to get something non triggering to eat and im trying to wait as much as possible to eat. Days are fucking short anyways and ill xhabge my password and lockdown uvereats to not order some tonight maybe. Ill try and sleep early and stay strong and also get ready to see peeps and maybe feel a lil bit better but also i wanna stay alone. I cried a bit bc im ashamed to be so paralysed at 25 time is running fast and hezlth as well and the fall could be terrible idk. I felt anxious to walk both of the dogs at the same time or evenbto vring them to the parc or go to the pharmacy even tho its 5mins away n its kind of a nice walk. My stomach and intestine hurts tho. I hope ill manage to go to the pharmacy n exercise today n shave my hair n meditate and finish my sisters drzwing. Its not that much

UPDATE 2 : its 30 to 7 and i managed to cut my hair and walk the two dogs once. I feel zncious about walking them a second time but ill make it feed them then take them out.

My best friend made a post sayin that knowing otger people dezl w the same stuff as her is rezsuring so i ferl less guilty of "making it about me all the time" bc thats rly not what im trying to do and my bf told me i wzs incapable of listening so i guesd it fucked up my self apreciation.

Sometimes i feel like my bf is the only thing in his world and i also feel like its giod for him but at the same time i feel like im wrong znd im the one taking toi mych space. I have 0 sense of whats real and whats not and as soin as im thinkin ab smth that is not invalidating to me i kind of gaslight myself into thinking otherwise znd remarks my bf made repeatedly in the past arent helping. I have to finish my sistets drzwing walk the dogs n exercise. Today i felt anxious multiple times and wasnt really able to get out of bed. I didnt meditate first thing in the morning either whoch i shouldve. Im gonna try my psycholoist tomorrow to take another apt bc i missed the last one. I feel like a failure. Good thing is im not hubgry at all bc of aderall and stress so thats cool. Ill try ti go to the pharact tomorrow as well but even thibking about livin another dy and having stuff t do makes me rly anxious i feel incapable of having a routine.

Update 3 : did the drawing, hate it and i dont have my mind up to that. Esp sibce the dezdline is so close and i feel like my sisters work ethic is so abusive and self centered that i just dont have fuel to turn her idea into smth cooler and add detzils or a personal touch. I just dobt want to experiment w it and i hate doing it and it shows. I walked my first dog for the second time fed them both gave the last pill to my second dog abd im about to walk her out now. I feel shitty about my day.

Today my ideal me :

Wouldve woke up meditate exercise and took care of the dogs in a whistle withiut thinking to avoid building up unecessary anxiety and have the drawing done by thr end of the morning and went to the dog park and pharlacy afterwards anf make music.

If someone saw me from an outside perspective :

I think they would think that my depression is quite invalidating and that im just letting myself down completely

Today i did :

Nothing consistent but i feel like i did my best within my possivilities and i went above my lack of motivation to draw and rakr care of the dogs

I felt :

Down empty and dead anxious and tired.

I ate :

Two biscuits and a bubble tea

Tomorrow i'll :

Try to meditate and exercise and feed the dogs and get ready for what its worth and go out a little abd go to the pharmacy abd call my shrink and try to get sum weed even tho i shouldnt but the anciety is too much

Im grateful for :

Having the strenght to write stuff down znd maybe itll be the start of a routine

My shrink being so lame she accepted that i get surgery

The dogs remiding me that i rly shouldnt br like my parents and helping me reflec and remember on abuse and stuff

[adhdvane]

i have so much angel halo fodder to farm but its magna fes so now is the best time to do it anyways i’m gunna try and 5* eahta today/tomorrow/at least before 25th is a reasonable goal. i need to max 11 more silver relics so 11 lazuline vessels for that + it takes 745990 exp (approximately ~25 lazuline vessels) to go from lv 1 to 150 (but I might be able to do it in less with journey drop boosts when using them since it seems to say that journey drop boosts and such only have no effect on the exp gain when putting weapons into the reserve and not the act of using the vessel on a item and vessels are also special considering unlike other exp upgrader items they can have a chance of grand success and its double jour drops right now so might as well) then other than that all i need are 6 more silver centrums, 4 of which i can get from just hosting the raid twice today (if i somehow get blessed i can get all six if i can get them to drop from the share chest both times) (otherwise getting 8 more heavenly horns from just joining raids to get 10 to trade for the other 2 centrums will be easy) (i have the two peacemaker stars for the two hosts) (i then proceeded to ramble too long so the rest is under the cut. ii keep writing shit out tat’s too long and then just deleting everything and never posing my rambling anymore but like fuck it at this point im keeping this)

and that’s it, i already did the awakening step on all 10 katanas yesterday which was the most painful step bc need 500 white dragon scales will always be the worst step in my opinions, which is why i spent yesterday getting to like 438 yesterday using the campaign exclusive quest (bc the drop rate for scales on that quest is surprisingly amazing considering the low ap cost even after you’ve done it 30 times) (but i ended up quitting 438 and then proceeded to buy the remaining 62 with cerulean stone bc i have a bunch still and tbh the only thing worth spending cerulean stones on are white dragon scales or shit like translucent silk, broken teacup, coverging rays, etc bc the drop rate for those is stupid, and i guess technically i’m going to need those 50 jumbo best bones when i get to the 5* part of death, but i still have more than enough stones if i wanted to buy all 50 of those drops and i’ll defiantly be getting even more after the roulette starts so i’m not even concerned, bc yeah i got the sunlight stone now for death but i’m still pretty damn far from deal w/death, though maybe not as far as i think if i just remember to host my go and primarch raids for a couple days, wow yeah actually im stupidly closer than i thought bc im only 12 celus fragments from all 30 i need, the only annoying issue in the last step is going to be taking the time to farm the 10 primeval horns bc sometimes they don’t drop when you join proto hl, i know its guaranteed from share i’m just always weary about hosting that raid since it is 18-man elixir limited and i can’t solo it, and have had a time in the past were i was only joined by people leaching and it sucks when only you and like 1 other person contribute. so i always feel better join one bc i can make a decent contribution (and even like sort of mvp race or usually more vice mvp race for like 2nd or 3rd) (okay one time i joined a proto baha hl raid that was between like 70~60% bc it was on earth and 8 ppl already, and upon joining discovered like most of them had jumped ship, and the log was dead and was like well fuck, but started raiding anyways, and trying to send back up requests anyways, ended up getting some momentum, painfully got it always through to 50% dark by my self (kind of annoyed i took my light grid with my spheric harp bc i thought it was going to be an instance were it would get to 50% super fast so the off element wouldn’t matter and not that everyone but host had retreated) and then like around ~45% another person finally joined and me and this one other person destroyed the rest of the boss in like a minute, that was one of like 4 or 5 times i’ve mvp’d proto baha hl upon joining. tbh i kinda wish i knew what the host was doing, like if they were sitting there watching, was afk, or had like left the raid page to do other things. like if they were just hoping someone would come in and beat it for them, or had sorta given up but didnt want to fully end the raid just incase, look okay i just felt fucking good thinking i helped out a lower rank player get through a hl raid that they were abandoned on by several other players who appeared to have either not being strong enough, or joined saw the damage and jumped ship bc it looked like it was going to fail. though if i remember correctly the time limit was pretty far gone so that’s probably also why no one was joining, i was just a dumb fuck who didn’t look at the time before i joined, then realized, and then just fucking felt bad and was like well fuck it lets see how far i can go by myself bc clearly everyone else is dead and i don’t have anything to lose and im not stoping anyone else from potentially saving this bc there’s still like 7 slots open that anyone can join at any time...) anyways the last thing i wanted to say was i remember i was like a little peeved when they announced everyone who finished chapter 4.5 in the demon slayer collab would get kengo for free bc FARMING FOR KENGO AROUND THE TIME IT CAME OUT HURT BC I HADN’T BEEN HL FOR VERY LONG SO IT TOOK A LOT OF EFFORT, esp like bc extra II class suck worse than row iv bc you have to make the ccw element change for every goddamn class. but i was glad they compensated us with materials and i was mostly just glad for the extra silver centrums and steel brick (even tho i just realized i have fucking 50 steel bricks where the fuck did those come from like i don’t remember having so many), but i remember thinking to myself like oh wow thank 40 samurai distinctions, thats so useful, wow, what am i going to do make another murakumo and unsigned kaneshige?? i think im good. guess those will sit there forever... and then a couple days ago when i started thinking about finishing eahta up since i literally finished farming the demon slayer event the day after the second half was unlocked (when u can just auto extreme+ with ur fire team u don’t have to do shit, i got all the items i wanted and after than even played to get the 200 battle trophy for the heck of it. i only wanted the tickets, ring, dama crystals, steel, summon unlock mats just ‘cause those spellbooks, skill jewels, the fire urns bc i know they’re farmable but they’re annoying and i am low on fire urns, and then i was like i guess the summon since it’s a 1 copy only thing and can’t be reduced even though i’ll literally never use it bc i have gabriel and gabriel has a sub aura, i guess maybe it could be potentially useful for prometheus solo’ing because of the 1 turn debuff resistance, but the times i did solo prometheus i never had problems running out of veils or clears and tbh garnet carbuncle has a shorter cooldown and again i’ve got lily and gabriel already (and 5* lucifer now) so like i’d much rather have my four summon slots for that be gabe, moon ssr, luci, garnet carbuncle. (heck i don’t even take extra damage cuts for the wilnas trial vane, lily, gabriel, and 5* feower’s gravity and delaying the everloving shit out of wilnas is enough for me, though i’ve never done the raid so maybe it would be helpful there.) anyways then i just spend the rest of the event drops on half elixers, and back to what i was saying i was thinking about finishing eahta and looking at all the mats i need and then remember oh yeah i need 30 class distinctions don’t i? which ones do i need for eahta??? oH THAT’S RIGHT. SAMURAI DISTINCTIONS. so that fuckin worked out perfect (not that i don’t have the pendents to just buy them anyways). anyways im going to shut up now and probably never re-read any of this ramble i wrote ever again bc adhd brain be like no read only write

[byunrelatable]

ok on the ask game, 5 + 19 !! this is gonna get long bear with me oof. i’ve confessed to two people, one was a boy that i was once close with but he ignored me after we broke up :”) it’s fine he’s an ass anyway. but the second person is my current gf and holy uh this is actually kinda personal so i won’t go too in depth but we can say i did it bc it was too much not to anymore (pt 1/?)

.hi kam!! i love u thanks for the asks and thanks for sharing your story!! im really glad things worked out with you and your gf, sounds like you two have truly been through thick and thin together, you must have a very strong bond. that makes my heart feel very warm, im so happy for you!!

im going to put the rest of your asks, as well as my responses to the questions, under the cut so this doesnt become a super long post. to answer 5 and 19 in short, i will say that my answer to 5. have you ever confessed your feelings to someone? is yes, and its an embarrassing story, it also involves underage drinking so anyone uncomfy with that should not look under the cut!! and my answer to 19. share a positive memory about the last person you texted, i’ll probably keep that answer pretty short but true to my word, everything is going under the cut from here on out. thank you for sharing your story kam

send me two way asks!!

here’s the rest of kam’s asks:

we didn’t date then bc things were complicated (like i said, pERSONAL) and i,,,, did it a second time with her months later,,,,, i wouldn’t have if my friends didn’t push me to do it but they did annnddd we started dating then!! and haaaaa i uh,,,, did it once more at the end of feb this year,,,,,, bc we weren’t together at the time (this is also very personal so i could tell you abt the whole thing privately if you wanted) (pt 2/?)

in short i woke up and she asked me to be her gf again sOo, lol it’s all fun. aaannnddd here we go okay i literally just texted my gf as i write this oof but i think one of the fondest memories i have is both kinda negative but i view it positively? it was around the end of january in 2016 and we had been talking for a month or so. at the time i wasn’t in the best state of mind. (pt ¾)

i don’t remember the conversation word for word, but i have recollection of crying a lot at school waiting for my exam and just realizing how much i cared abt her and her about me and i think that marks the moment we became best friends rlly and damn who would even think to get to where we are now oof not me?? (pt 4/4 i went all out i’m sorryajsndnf)

what a story!!! like i said before, im really glad it all came together in the end, and that you have such a wonderful supportive gf

5. have you ever confessed your feelings to someone? yeah okay. from seventh grade until 11th i had a huge crush on this boy in my class. he was always doing crazy cool exchange programs. in 8th grade he went to school in coasta rica for a year, we e-mailed (lmao) all the time while he was gone. he came back in 9th grade and i was so so excited to see him again. he left again in 10th grade, and that was a hard year for me. my dad and step mom (who practically raised me) were getting divorced and i was going through some weird shit with an older guy (gross. he’s gross and predatory and i didnt know better cause i was like 15/16). so i started drinking and sneaking out and partying. 

the kid i had a crush on came back in 11th grade and i was ecstatic. we picked up our friendship where we left it off. but here’s the kicker: he was (and probably still is? but probably isnt as much of a hardass about it) a devout christian, and drinking was NOT in line with his values. he had heard from his mom that i had been doing stuff like that, and he brought it up and said he was concerned. i told him i’d stop, because i was young and i had had a crush on this kid for over four years at this point, and our mutual friend kept dropping hints that he was interested, and.. sigh. so i told him i’d cut the partying and he said he had to see it. fast forward to spring, i applied and got into a program which sends students to japan for two weeks, and this kid also got in, and i was STOKED to be in japan with him for two weeks. the first week it was fun. our last night in tokyo, i wanted to spend some time alone with him, and the rest of our friends were planning to buy some sake (we were literally 16 but they did it, they didnt get carded) and drink it at the hotel, and they wanted me to distract him cause they were worried he’d rat them out, and i was so down to try that because i wanted to spend time with him anyways. so i asked if he wanted to go on an adventure–just go get on a random subway line and see where it leads. he kinda blew me off, which stung. then in an effort to get him to hang out with me, i told him what the other kids were planning (they had specifically told me not to tell him). i told him, and said “so i really think we should just go somewhere else so we dont have to be around that.” he didnt listen to me, instead he followed the rest of the group into the convenience store and they were like uhhh, then he went up to my friend hannah and was like “so you’re buying sake huh?” and she looked at me like what the fuck arianna and i looked at her like im sorry i couldnt get him to come with me and he was like whatever and then he left the convenience store and our other friend jay went with him. i assumed they went back to the hotel. so i went back as well but they werent there. when i asked someone else where they were, they said “oh, they went out into the city on a random subway line just to go on an adventure!” the literal exact thing i had suggested. i was livid. moreso, i was really hurt. so i decided to say fuck it and get drunk, cause i had been abstaining from alcohol ALL YEAR for the sake of this ONE GUY who had really played me and led me on ALL FUCKING YEAR and lowkey for the past FOUR YEARS. so i was like, whatever. so i got drunk. then jay and the guy came back from their adventure. i asked my other drunk companions if i seemed sober (bad, bad idea. they were not good judges) they all said i seemed fine, so i went to give the kid a piece of my mind. get to his room and its just him cause his roommate had been with us in the drinking room. so i say, hey i need to talk to you. the first thing he asks is if i had drank, and i said no, like a liar with a big fat crush. then we sit down on opposite beds, and i told him i was really hurt that he rejected my offer to go on an adventure and immediately did the same thing with jay. he gave me a bs excuse like “it was kinda spontaneous” and i was like, thats bullshit. then i poured out my heart, about crushing on him for the last four years, about being a good friend when he dated hannahkate in seventh grade, about always waiting for him to come back, about working so hard to stop drinking just to be the person he wanted me to be. and i told him i loved him.

his response? “thank you for telling me.” and it shattered my heart.

when he walked me to the door of his room, he said “by the way. you were slurring the whole time, and your breath smells like alcohol. i knew you had drank from the start.” needless to say, THAT was embarrassing.

i go back to the room, drink more, eventually everyone leaves and its me and hannah. i tell her what happened, freak out a bit, cry.

the next day we woke up kinda early and went to this man-made island place i dont remember the name of, and we spent the day there. i was really quiet and reserved all day (not like me, then or now). i did not eat. when we got back to the hotel that night, hannah gave me a melon bread, and i said i wasnt hungry. she said “you havent eaten all day. if you dont eat this right now, im going to take your phone, delete [kid’s name] from all your contacts, delete every picture or video you have on your phone, erase him from your life. do you want that?” to which i said, no. and i ate the bread. it was tough love and i needed it. i was a little better the next day.

a few days later in kyoto the kid and i talked on a rooftop at sunset. i felt a little better after that. it was hard going through all of that, after four years of pining for him, but.. it was good. it was closure. i laid my cards on the table, i finally told him how i felt, and he rejected me. and it hurt, but there was nothing left to say, and it finally closed that door that had been slightly ajar for four years. and i was able to move on after that, fairly quickly actually. jumping back into partying cause i didnt have someone to impress kind of helped. well, it also kind of spun my life off in a horrible direction that led to a horrible depressing senior year of high school, but thats another story.

yeesh, that was long. on to the next one!!

19. share a positive memory about the last person you texted the most recent person i texted is my friend named nico. the first memory that comes to mind is last summer, we used to hang out a lot, one night we went to this 24 hour diner called beth’s cafe that we both love. we went at like 4 am and it was so so so fun. afterwards we watched emperors new groove in his bed and then passed out. i love nico so much. we used to be a lot closer in the summer, but at the end of summer i fucked up and we had a falling out. we still are friends and we still talk (i.e. we texted today planning to hang out this week) but.. its not the same. and i really miss the way things were before. golly isnt that bittersweet. now im a lil sad. but thats okay

thank you to anyone who read all that garbage uidsgfihjs

[randisnotonfire-blog]

Just a bit out of my league Pt.3 Stan Uris X Reader/Henry Bowers X Reader Modern AU

 Summary: (Also I changed this btw) Drama, drama, and more drama is all that can describe the messy Tozier family right now. Y/n is still battling whether or not to leave Henry just for the sake of her safety. You and Richie’s mom is deciding if she wants to really send Richie off to a mental institution because she found out about his friend group and him trying to kill Pennywise. Even with forgiveness this will all end in tears and heartbreakers doing the usual; heartbreaking. Henry had apologized to Y/n but their relationship is at stake mainly from the fighting. Stan, oh poor Stan. Forever stuck in the friendzone Stan ends up telling Y/n the truth causing an, already, horrible triangle between Y/n, Henry, and Stan himself in Pt.4!

Song: Out of my league by Fitz and the Tantrums and DNA by Lia Marie Johnson bc these both fit the theme PERFECTLY

Warnings: Fluff, angst, depressing parts, cursing, underage drinking, not taking advantage of people, some humor, family drama

A/n:Okay so I do but I don’t have writers block atm so thats sucks (Insert dick joke bc I am a walking female version of Richie Tozier) but eh at least I get to write for a bit anyways x3 also the drama in this kind of but doesn’t remind of Stranger Things season 2 but like I am still flipping my shit bc season 2 comes out in 15 days so like ye also SO SO SO sorry if Henry and anybody else is like super oc (Original character)

    If you are sensitive to family and love drama then please don’t read,                                                        You have been warned

    (Not my photo I just found it on ye old internet but like this fits one of the scenes in Pt.3 lol)

                                           *          *         *

    You don’t even know why Henry had skipped the rest of school today but it just happened. He seemed off, ever since that fight he backed off a bit but it was still a ‘okay’ relationship. When you walked home you found your mom sitting at the dining room table with Richie talking about stuff… “Richie I really do think it would be a good idea for you to be in a mental institution sweetie” Your mom sounded off…different. She didn’t sound like the alcoholic she was. You walked up to the entry way but you were in the position of not being seen unless you moved somewhere different. “Mom seriously I am fine” “No Richie you need to leave!” she said her voice cracking from being stressed. You felt heavy tears trying to release from your soft emerald green eyes but you tried to fight it. “Just fight back the truth” you thought to yourself. “Mom! I am perfectly fine here! Remember we only moved here so Y/n would be better about everything! And to get away from fucking dad..” Richie said loudly but softly saying the last part about your dad. “Richie…-” before your mom could finish talking Richie got up and left the table. Leaving the house to just you and your mom.  “Mom..” you said walking to the seat Richie had been sitting at. “You saw everything” you nodded then took a seat at the table. “It’s going to be fine..trust me” you gave her a pain killing smile and she broke down and her flustered cheeks filled with heavy crystal blue tears. You closed your heavy lids then she got up and left the room. “Mom wait” You said somewhat softly knowingly that she wouldn’t be able to hear you. “Love you…” you spoke in a whisper tone, letting the tears flood you ran your hands through your hair and started to full on cry. 

              The next morning you woke up in your bed, which you don’t even remember getting in here. You had woken up from a nightmare but thankfully it was Saturday morning. Sitting up in bed you looked around and to your surprise you were still wearing last night’s clothes. Then you noticed Henry, he was sitting at your bay window looking out at the fall leaves. “How did you get in here…?” You said then his head quickly turned to look at you. “You called me to get here” he mumbled but you could still understand him. “And then what happened?” you said fully clueless. “As I said you called me, you said about some spare key in a bush. Then when I got here it looked like you got into some of your mom’s alcohol…So I had to carry you up here because your mom would be pissed if she saw you like that” he said as he walked over to your bed and sat down next to you. “Y/n you know it’s okay that you did that” “No it’s not” you shook your head then looked at him in the eye. “Don’t tell anyone, promise?” you said then he smiled back and said “Promise”. Then the next thing I knew, my hand was on his shoulder and my face was close to Henry’s. It was like some sort of “Kiss-me” body language. I didn’t want it to seem as if we both took advantage of the situation but he went for it. Then his cheek was against mine, I knew it was now or never actually have my first kiss like this with him. But the thought of us making out after a night of me drinking alcohol was too much, So I said the first mood-killing thing that popped in my head. “I-I think Richie might be aw-” he ignored me trying to get out of this. Henry was obviously the one to be like this but it still was mixed feelings for me. Our worlds collided as soon as we met in a different way. The door than swung open to reveal Richie complaining that he is hungry. “What the fu-!” he yelled then in a natural instinct, for when your brother walks in on you fucking making out with your boyfriend,you jumped up letting go of him.

     “Why aRE YOU HERE HENRY!” Richie yelled. The face you gave him was “Shut up and is mom home??” he nodded “Yeah she is home” just from knowing. “Get out!” you yelled back at him. “Fine!” Richie said putting his hands up then slammed the door shut and walked away. You got up and walked over to change into something different, Henry quickly went on his phone just to distract him from staring at you. 

                                              *       *      *

  “Hey Henry, how is your dad sweetie?” your mom asked when she saw you and Henry walking downstairs into the kitchen. “He is doing okay Mrs.Tozier” he smiled through the lie he told your mom then let go of your hand so you could sit down at the dinner table. Then Richie came barreling in wearing super baggy navy green jeans and a band shirt. “Are you seriously going to be wearing that today?” you said as you were putting your hair up in a high ponytail. “Yes I am Y/n” he said as he sat down next to you. “Mom is it okay if Eddie and maybe Stan comes over today?” Richie spoke up once he set down his phone so he could start eating the breakfast your mom made. Everything was weird and different. It was almost like a normal family, your mom actually made breakfast and wasn’t wasting her time drinking away her problems, Richie actually acted like the typical little brother and wasn’t cursing 24/7. But it was nice for once. You caught Henry staring at you, when you looked over at you he smiled. “what the aCTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON” you thought yourself. Am I losing my mind?? You looked around to see if there was any alcohol bottles anywhere but one was to be found in the trash, it was full. “Sorry but yes they can come over Richie” your mom said softly. She walked over to turn off the TV, walked back and placed the food on the dinner table, then sat down. “Well this is different” you mumbled. “Y/n are you okay?” Richie looked over at you. “No I am not okay Richie” “Watch the attitude” Your mom spoke up. Henry was ignoring everything and just eating everything on his plate. “Y/n?” Henry said,you gave him a soft ‘mhm’ “Mrs. Tozier, is it okay if me and Y/n go out for a bit?” “Sure just if you guys are staying out late she needs to be home by around 7pm” Henry nodded, grabbed his belongings then took you by the hand and left. 

    “I n-need to tell you something” Henry said as he took a deep sigh. When you two were holding hands he looked you in the eyes, you both ended up stopping by the bridge. “You can tell me anything Henry” he nodded. “Don’t tell anyone please.” You nodded. “I k-killed him…” you were shocked by this. “Who is him?” you said softly. “My dad” he muttered in a somewhat mad tone. “Henry I can’t hear you, please speak up baby” you said as you looked at his guilty face. “I said I killed my dad!” he said loudly. You closed your eyes, “Can you please just walk me home, the sun is setting..” you fought off any sadness you felt for his dad because his dad was a total asshole. You started walking back home but Henry stopped you, “Please Y/n don’t leave me. I’m safe to be around, you’re safe” he said the last part in a almost non audible tone. “Henry I know it’s just- I need to get home” Henry shook his head. “You can walk yourself home” he said as he went opposite directions home. You sighed and walked yourself home. 

                                                    *        *       *

  “Mom I’m home!” You called out as you closed the door. “No you need to leave Went! (According to WIKI fucking WIKI for Stephen king’s movies and books lmao it said that Richie’s dad’s name is Wentworth Tozier so like correct me if im wrong in the comments) the kids do not want to fucking see you!” Your mom shouted at the top of her lungs. Then you heard a glass bottle shatter. You flinched slightly and walked up to the kitchen walk way. You hid yourself but only you could see what was going on. “If you already have another fucking girlfriend then you need to pack your shit and leave!” Your mom screamed. You saw the broken glass bottle, it was a wine bottle, then you saw a non-broken bottle sitting on the table. “I will leave when I fucking want to leave Maggie!” Your dad screamed back at her (Maggie is Richie’s mum just to clear that up too) you hated seeing them both like this. But you couldn’t help wonder, how did it go from normal mom to your mom and dad both fighting. This hadn’t happened since Richie was in elementary school. Almost 4 years ago… You snapped back into reality when you felt a hand on your shoulder, in reaction you turned around and it was Richie. “We should go up to our rooms…” “Why?” and as if on cue: “I’m calling the fucking cops!” Your mom screamed. “That’s why” Richie said as he pointed at your mom. “Y-yeah..” You said as you both rushed upstairs.

     “Why does this all have to happen Y/n” Richie said, you had both been sitting in your room on the floor. He had his head resting on your shoulder, it felt like forever since you both had to do this. Just listening to the screams and the cop sirens felt too real, “It’s going to be fine Richie” you closed your eyes and reminded yourself not to cry since you and Richie both had already been crying over all that has happened. “No it won’t and you know it won’t too Y/n” he spoke heartbreaking words. Then Richie’s phone started going off, Bill had a request to face time. Richie quickly lifted his head up off of your shoulder then answered the facetime call. “Hey Bill” Richie said with a pain-killing smile. “Why are you in your sister’s room…” Bill said after he took a sip from his water bottle. “uh-” “It’s fine Bill, I’m up here with him” You interrupted him because you knew it made him pissed off a bit. “Shut up” Richie said. You giggled a bit causing Richie to roll his eyes. “Is that Y/n” Stan whispered to Bill but you could both hear him on the other line. “Yeah, why?” Bill said. Then Stan sent him a text saying that he liked Y/n, when Bill looked at the text he nearly choked on his drink. “OH YEAH BECAUSE OF HIS FISH” Bill said trying to not blow his cover. Then Stan appeared on the screen. “Hey Y/n, Richie” he said with a nervous laugh. “Wait why do i hear police sirens! RICHIE Y/N ARE YOU FUCKING OKAY!?” Eddie then yelled since he was having a sleepover with Bill and Stan. “Yeah it’s just ya know…local kid threw a rock…at my window…” You said and looked at Richie, “Yeah it was some psycho!” “I doubt that Richie” Stan said with a bland expression on his face. “Whatever” 

                                      To be,

                                                       Continued 

@lovertozier 

[seriestrash]

London’s Calling

1 || 2 || 3 || 4 || 5 || 6 || 7 || 8 || 9 || 10 || 11 || 12 || 13

Epilogue: Forever

Word Count: 1515

☏ ☏ ☏ ☏

Two weeks pass since her final day at school and Riley is back in her old New York apartment. She’d only been back in the country for the day and there were already boxes sprawled across her room, just like the day she left. 

It’s weird, to just ‘pick up where she left off’. Riley already knew she wouldn’t be able to slot into her old life like nothing happened. Even though on paper that’s essentially what she was doing. Same apartment, same school, same after school hang out spot, even most of the same friends. That misplaced feeling she had during her visit in Spring Break returns, the one Riley predicated she’d have until she readjusts. Strangeness aside she’s ultimately relieved to be back. 

It’s late - late for Riley at least - just after 10pm. Riley had briefly seen the two geniuses and Zay when she arrived. Of course Maya was there too but she stayed long after their other friends left. The blonde practically handcuffed herself to the brunette the moment she landed. Riley quickly became overwhelmed with the new-old life change and during dinner Riley delicately tried to hint at Maya to leave so she could have a moment alone to process things. Too excited to have her best friend back Maya wasn’t catching on but luckily Topanga picked up on it and suggested that Riley gets an early nights sleep. Alone. Making light of it of course Topanga tells the very pouty blonde that she has nothing to worry about because Riley was back and they had forever to spend with each other. 

Thankful for her mother having her back Riley retreated to her room where she spent a few hours going through her boxes. Trying to decide if she wanted to set her room up the way it was or give it a new look. You know, that whole readjustment / can’t slot into the old life thought she keeps coming back to. 

A new look was what she decided on, although she wouldn’t be making any headway with her decorating that evening. Riley was just thankful her bed was set up with fresh sheets. It’s just now dawning on her how exhausted she is. Just as Riley gets to her feet after crouching down by one of her boxes she hears rustling on the fire escape. Riley lets out a quiet chuckle and shakes her head thinking Maya had already returned to visit but she’s shocked to see Lucas standing by the open window.  

Riley told her friends about moving home the moment she knew it was definite. Riley knew that it would get back to Lucas of course but she didn’t allow herself to think about that, as she hadn’t let herself think of him much after Spring Break. Riley knew Lucas would have known she was coming back today, even though she made a point to not talk about him with her friends. Still, she’s surprised to see him so soon. 

“May I come in?” He asks sheepishly. 

“Sure,” Riley nods, still taken by surprise. 

“I heard you were back…” Lucas says as he climbs through the window. 

“Yep,” Riley says quietly.   “I heard it’s for good?” Lucas finds Riley’s gaze. 

“I think so, yeah.” Riley shifts nervously on her feet. 

“Can we talk?” Lucas motions to the bay window. 

Riley nods slightly and follows him over. Sure Riley and Maya had sat in the bay window already, it was the first thing they did when she got back but that was light, that was fun. This would be the first real bay window session Riley had in a year and it was certainly coming earlier than she thought. 

“I know I said I’d respect however much time you needed but you texted me a couple weeks ago and I kind of got excited that you were back…” Lucas chuckles nervously. “I’m sorry if you’re not ready.. We don’t have to-” 

“Lucas, it’s fine,” Riley wears a small smile, “I’m glad you’re here.” 

“You are?” More and more hope creeping into the boy by the second. 

“Yes,” Riley bops her head gently, “I was thinking about calling you tomorrow, to talk.” 

“I can come back then… If that’s better for you?” Lucas asks quickly and Riley feels her chest getting warm as she watches his nerves get the better of him. 

“No, stay,” A slight giggle escapes her. 

Even with light laughter filling the room things are still a little weird, but that was to be expected.  "I’ve spent the past two months trying to think of some grand gesture to prove how sorry I am-” 

“Lucas, you don’t need a big gesture,” Riley gently cuts him off, “I know you’re sorry and I know you didn’t mean to hurt me.” 

Lucas looks relieved to hear her words, “Good, but I still feel like I need to show you how much you mean to me.” 

There he goes with his two best types of apologies. A million ‘I’m sorries’ followed by gestures to prove just how sorry he is. Although, normally Lucas’ gestures are subtle but this one was anything but small. 

The Texan pulls out a folded piece of paper from his jean pocket and hands it to Riley. 

She unfolds the paper and looks at it confused, “What is it?” 

“Tickets, to Paris.” Lucas states. 

“What?” Riley laughs nervously and shakes her head in disbelief. 

“They’re for the week after we graduate senior year. I’m going to have to work the rest of high school to pay them off but they’re ours.” Riley’s still puzzled so Lucas continues. “That’s two years from now. I want you in my life in two years from now- I want you in my life twenty years from now. Even if it’s just as friends,” Lucas gushes, “Riley, we’re forever and I’m so sorry if I made you doubt that or think that I doubted that.”

“What about Rain?” Riley fidgets as she quickly gets overwhelmed with the situation.  

“That finished long before it even started,” Lucas says, “I know you deserve more details and if you want them I’ll explain everything but right now I just really want you to know that it’s always going to be you for me. Forever is a long time, Riley and if you’ll let me, I’d like to spend it making things up to you.” 

Riley is at a loss for words as she stares into his emerald eyes. 

“Did you mean what you said?” Riley whispers. 

“Of course. I’d do anything to make it up to you,” Lucas edges closer in desperation. 

“No, not that,” Riley shakes her head. 

“Then what?” Lucas asks. 

“At Maya’s you blurted out something-” 

“Yes,” Lucas says firmly as he continues to hold her gaze as he now realises what she’s talking about. “I just thought it would hurt too much to say it before you left - the first time - so I didn’t.”

“Not talking is kind of what got us into this mess,” Riley shares a deflated laugh. 

“That’s going to change,” Lucas nods, trying to convince Riley, “We can talk more. I don’t want anything left unsaid.” 

“Okay.” Riley nods too, pointing her gaze at her lap.

“Okay.” Lucas lets out a little breath of relief. 

“I forgot to say something before I left New York too,” Riley says quietly as she lifts her head. 

“Yeah?” Lucas tilts his head slightly to the left.

“I love you too,” Riley’s smile is ever so slight but full of warmth, still masked with a hint of reluctancy and fear to let him in again.

Lucas is hit with a tidal wave of emotions, shock, relief, overwhelming joy. Lucas holds Riley’s gaze. Her smile is sweet but there’s still a sense of sadness behind her eyes. A tireless but something more than the absence of sleep. 

Lucas opens his arms and wraps them around Riley, pulling her in closer to him.  An ear and cheek pressed to his chest and with her eyes gently closed she lets out a breath of relief. It’s as if she’s waited the entire year for this one hug. Lucas rests his chin on Riley’s head and the longer they stay like that in a peaceful silence the more Riley can feel her worries melting away. 

Even after embracing the last few months of her time in London, Riley had been carrying around that lonely feeling with her and the pain of her estranged relationship with Lucas. But, there was something so therapeutic about their embrace that had Riley thinking about it long after Cory chased Lucas out the window. 

When Riley lies awake in bed that night thinking about it she knew the damage between her and Lucas was not irreparable. It of course - like any of the obstacles she faces with her readjusting - would take time but she knew they were forever. It’s this exact thought that sees Riley reaching for her phone to update her status and it’s then that she knows she speaks not of a place but a person. 

THE END

End Notes: Firstly I just want to say that I hope this ending is satisfying enough for my readers. I know I could have spent time writing about Riley actually adjusting to those obstacles she’ll approach but I felt like that wasn’t the story I was telling. London’s Calling was about Riley and Lucas surviving a year of disconnect. So basically their story begins and ends in the bay window. I don’t need to detail them doing anything past this point because I sounded like a broken record. They’re forever. Their story goes on long after my words stop. 

Anyway……THIS HAS BEEN A RIDE. I just want to say thank you SO much to everyone who has read this story. Thank you to anyone who has liked a chapter, reblogged it with or without tags, sent a reply or taken the time to shoot me a message about it. YOU ARE ALL THE REASONS WHY I WROTE THIS. 

I just really hope you know that I see ALL forms of appreciating you send me. Whether its replies / tags in reblogs etc. I know I don’t reply to all of them bc I don’t sometimes have the means to but I see them all and they all make me SO HAPPY!! 

some active readers and reviewers that I want to give shootouts to include:

❤️@rileyliley❤️ @reytonbleyer ❤️ @grizbehr @maddog-sunshine ❤️ @spamiam77 ❤️ @madelinecoffee ❤️ @shadowhuntersbabe ❤️ @rowmeyer ❤️ @roastturtleduck ❤️ @shebe67 ❤️ @plutoxriley ❤️ @alwaysriley ❤️ @an-autumn-rose ❤️ @irish97​ and a special shoutout to @siennese whom I’m pretty sure has sent me in-depth reviews for every single chapter!!! 

I know SO many more of you deserve recognition but thats all I can give for now but please know I love you all so much and I cant wait for the next story we share together ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[thealter-ego]

Another day, another boi

Aku tau aku selalu cerita soal lelaki di sini. Karena aku nggak tahu lagi harus bercerita sama siapa, karena aku nggak pernah percaya diri untuk ngomongin hal ini ke siapapun, even itu sahabatku. Mungkin karena persona yang kutampilkan sehari-hari seperti perempuan cuek yang tomboy, jadi apabila tiba-tiba aku bercerita soal laki-laki, aku takut malah akan ditertawakan dan menganggap hal ini lucu bagi mereka.

Ok, jadi kali ini, i feel like someone have crush on me. I know it sounds weird and overconfident. But there is so many things that he did to me, that made me feel like that. It's already happened since maybe 2 months ago but i just want to tell what happened today. Just very this day.

So me and my friends including him, we were visited a museum for doing our project together. We shud be on the way at 7am but suddenly my stomach wasnt well that i had to have a breakfast first. So i was eating in the 24hrs restaurant near my home and the bus shelter that im gonna use. I told my friends via group chat and one of my friend said thats ok, then he also answered that its better if we had a breakfast first before we go. So yeah, we were having a breakfast first.

Pls notice that his place is near from my home that actually we can go together but he didnt asked and i was worried if i asked first it would make him unconfortable to go with me. So yea thats a lil intermezzo.

Soo long story short after eating my breakfast i was directly walked to the bus shelter to wait the bus. There was 1 bus that we dont have to transit but it just has a few buses that its gonna take a long time to wait. After a half hour i take the transit bus bcs i just dont wanna wait too long.

Setelah melewati beberapa shelter he said that he got the one way bus. I was a lil upset bcs MAN IM GONNA BE LATE BCS OF THIS TRANSIT BUS. But thats ok bcs i love seeing streets thru bus's windows anyway hehe.

After few hours he has arrived at the final shelter sedangkan aku posisinya masih lumayan jauh. Meeting point-nya pun bukan di final shelter, melainkan di sebuah tempat tidak jauh dari shelter. I thought he wasnt gonna wait for me bcs.. u know.. he SHUD BE doesnt care. But then he said:

"I'll wait here (shelter) bcs i dont want to look like a lost person. Im gonna wait T (my name) here. Im gonna wait the cameraman".

Yes im the person behind the camera in this project. And yes, he was waiting for me, for that long.

Tbh my stomach was like.. full of butterflies again. Omg its been so long, i never felt like this again. I kinda miss this feeling haha.

I was a lil worried bcs i was afraid that im gonna be awkward even though i already had a lot of boi friends around me but why is he made me worried.

When i was arrived, i saw him sitting on the bench, looked at his phone, while looking for me everytime a bus arrived. He saw me, then he get up, and walking like he dont care.

Ok i was just like.. ok. Thats ok. I was act like i dont care too like.. walking so fast thru ppl that block the way. But somehow he was trying to take care of me too WKWK I KNOW THAT SOUNDS CHEESY but u know, when we were walked passing thru the streets he was guiding me like trying to protect me.

When we arrived at the museum we shud bought a ticket. I didnt have coins that time and he pay double then i said that i wanna borrow his money and ill pay later. Ill tell u how this story end in the very end of story.

Then, another stories. So, he is really love photography and videography but he doesnt know how to operate it really well. He has a lot of equipments but he doesnt really use them lmao. Thats why he was so excited when we were going to build our own PH so we will produce so many videos together (with my friends ofc). And he was just bought an equipment and he was insisted me to use it bcs he was curious how to use them lol. I was like.. ok whatever hopefuly it will helps. But then we were spend like half a hour for setting up the equipment lol. And it wasnt going really well😂.

After we did our project, we were taking photos together using timer feature on camera. He was the one who clicked the shutter. My friend asked him that he shud know his position in the frame. From all the position, he took the position beside me. I mean, LITERALLY BESIDE ME, ON MY RIGHT. In the second photo he choose to take at the very left position, and i was half sit down for pose. Then in the last photo, he still choose at the very my left, he did a pose just like me. WHY IS HE ALWAYS COPY MEEEE???? LMAOOO.

After we doin our project in this museum, we were about to go home but we wanted to visit a tower near the museum. We were going to the upstairs to finish our project. The stairs are pretty old but i was like, ok it's easy to climb. But when we were going downstairs, i was so scared. I have acrophobia and the stairs like has a hole in every stairs that i could see the bottom of the tower. IT WAS SCARY THAT MY FEET WAS SHAKING. The handle is too short for me and i was carrying my heavy camera. Two of my friends was made me more scared that they made a joke of it. And u know what he said?

"It's ok, it's fine, there is nothing on the bottom", like.. did he tried to comfort me????

That what i like about him. He always made me feel safe and calm in any situation. But in that time i was like "YEA ITS BCS THERE IS NOTHING ON THE BOTTOM THAT MADE ME SCARED!!" LMAOOOO. Then he laughs.

After that, they were having an afternoon pray. Then he was keeping the project items and he said that i cud keep his gadget so i can copy the files. I dunno why i write this point but i feels like he trusted me to bring his fancy gadget lol.

Then we were waiting the bus that we'll gonna use. The bus wasnt seems like gonna coming so we were visited a minimarket near the shelter. We bought a lot of drinks, and one of my friend was buying 3 bottles of water. That time i finally had coins so i want to pay the ticket that he paid for me. And he said:

"No no u dont need to pay it back",

I was like.. "umm.. ok" lmao why i was so flat.

The bus still doesnt coming so we decided to wait in the opposite shelter bcs there is so many benchs that we can sit on it. I was sitting beside him bcs there is no benchs left. I took my friend's water bottle to put it in my water bottle bcs mine was almost run out. But he was get up from the bench and seeing me holding the bottle, i asked him, "u wanna drink?"

He said, "yea just a bit! Ill open the bottle for u first"

I was like (again) "ok".

He drinks and I was going to bring my bottle and he was too. I mean i want him to pour the water into my bottle. But i thought he was want me to put it by myself. When i want to take the bottle he was goint to pour the water into my bottle. It was looping couple times lol but ended up he pour the water into my bottle lmao.

The bus was finally coming and i was just realized that im gonna go home with him with the same bus's rute. Omg what shud i do.

But it ended up that we separated away bcs i choose to stands in the women area and he was in the men area. I thought he want to stay beside me but he didnt. After we transit, he

HE ALWAYS LIKE THAT. AND IT'S MAKE ME SO CONFUSE.

i mean, if he doesnt have a feeling, could u just like... be a normal person??? I never been like that with my boi friends that i knew.

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey,

i feel mixed things. i went to the good friday service and a part of me is happy that it wasnt awkward and i wasnt the only one that decided to go but another part of me is sad that i didnt get to spend that one-on-one time with jason. but i am glad that eunice and angela were there too. during the service, i took notes diligently and after the practical time, i did my best to distance myself from everyone else so as to not feel judged or pressured. and it did go well for a while and i was good at not speaking until we got into the small chapel and started writing our new commitments. my heart did break when i saw the whip and crown of thorns and touched it and i cant even imagine the physical, mental, and emotional torment that Jesus went through leading up to His death. And I kind of wish I had spent more time there instead of moving faster so that other people wouldn’t have to wait. But after writing my commitments, I decided to pray on my knees and I was aware when people started leaving and I knew that the room was either totally or nearly empty by the time that I was done but I just felt like I really needed that time to be with God and confess what was on my heart. I know that I’ve been struggling with what it means to rest in Christ and that’s something that I’ve never been very good at and really trying to understand my value in God’s eyes. I think I am still struggling with my identity in God but I did carry out my commitment. I am a lot more proud and bold in my faith. I’ve been able to more openly talk about my faith in my dorm, on the first floor, at work, at the train station, anywhere. And I am really proud of myself and how far I’ve grown since last year. And initially, I wasn’t really in the mood to have fun and games and laugh and fellowship but i pushed myself to learn to receive and relax so i laughed alongside them. and i did actually have a good time. i got a lot closer with chelsea and angela, jason, chelsea, and i decided to eat kbbq together afterwards and it was really fun! joyce and jiham later joined us and we all talked in between conversations. and i accidentally slipped and said, “i dont drink anymore” when jason jokingly offered me some and everyone immediately exclaimed, “WHAT?” to me in disbelief. And to my surprise, Jason asked if I had a problem with it before but stopped and I confirmed his suspicions. But looking back on it, I’m kinda surprised he got that from what I said? It could just be that I drank a bit but decided not to anymore? But anyway, I was half expecting them to press further into it but they didn’t and I’m partly sad that I couldn’t share and relieved that I didn’t have to share. I think I could have but it did make me feel kind of bad when they reacted so strongly. But throughout the day, honestly, I was forcing myself to put on a smile and pretend that I was okay. And it didn’t seem like the mood or the moment to share my struggles and I really do thin I define myself by how much I serve and give bc it is such a huge part of my identity. And I think my intentions are usually pure but there is always a part me that needs to give in order to feel like I’m worth something. And that’s definitely something that I need to seriously pray about. I think a lot of the times, I wait until I’m at church to pray instead of just doing it when I need to and because of that, it feels fake sometimes at church. It feels like I don’t really mean what I’m saying. And I definitely do think I need to spend more time with God to get over it. I do want an honest and pure relationship with Him and I know a lot of the times, my feeling like I need to be a leader gets in the way of that. And I pretended like I was fine and kept saying that I was okay but I also couldn’t stop thinking about how I literally didn’t want to live anymore on Saturday. That was less than a week ago and I just felt like I was in so much pain and suffering and misery that I couldn’t take it anymore and I just wanted to die and kill myself so that I could be happy and with God and just be in pure joy and bliss. But I’m afraid if I say anything, P. Josh will think I’m not yet ready to serve and take MAST away from me and I would honestly be so upset because of that. It would feel like EIC and yearbook all over again. But, not becoming EIC gave me the opportunity to build a much more intimate relationship with God and come back to Him and maybe this is a sign that I shouldn’t be serving in MAST bc it’ll just stand in the way of me being able to rest and receive and learn who God is through that. 

Oh, I also saw Chaeweon earlier and we sat together and it was gr9. BUT, she left early and I didn’t have time to say bye! :( But we are still going to hangout tomorrow so I’m excited for that! 

And my suspicions were confirmed, Jason and Angela are going out! And I want to ask more about it but I think I am a little more understanding of their relationship now. On the one hand, I’m a bit upset just bc I don’t want it to be like my freshman year where everyone in leadership was dating each other and that just made a lot of people feel left out and uncomfortable. But I am happy for them and I hope they grow strong in their faith together. I think they both have their own issues and I think Angela could easily take advantage of Jason on accident just bc she’s so strong and he’s so kind. But they’re both my friends and I do really hope things work out.

My day today—

it was pretty good. honestly. i started my day by getting my dishes done and out of the way, chatted with Emily for a bit in the morning, and headed to school. I revised the pamphlet for A^2 with the updated fonts and printed my leaflet for graphic design. There, I ran into Andrew Shike and helped him out with cutting and checked items out for the both of us. And then I hurriedly tried to take pictures on the 10th floor but it was a STRUGGLE. And my pictures came out okay but I didn’t have enough time to take better pictures and upload them before work and the media lab closed when I got off my shift, soooo. I just decided to take my time to get good pictures for class and my portfolio tomorrow. i think i’ll try to do it after hanging out with chaeweon for lunch! hopefully we dont take too long. well, idk. i would love to chat for hours with her and it not be awkward but i also do have some work to do. i guess she can accompany me and then we can just spend the day together from there? but, we’ll just have to see how things turn out tomorrow.

and honestly, im in a constant state of being on the verge of tears. true joy is something that i have not felt in a while and i can feel myself getting numb and afraid and anxiety-ridden and im just upset bc i worked so hard to get away from that but i feel like im just reverting back into my old habits.

i drank at the beginning of the school year bc i wasn’t in a mentally good stable. im still not in a mentally good place, lol. but i am better. kind of. i just felt very alone and like i couldnt trust anyone last semester and i was the most concerned with my grandma’s health at the time bc it didnt look like she would be making it by the time i returned for winter break. and i sought refuge and mulan and dana. and bc they were there for me, i was desperate to be accepted and so, i started casually drinking with them. marlena too. she respected my choice to not drink before but the temptation was there and i went for it. and granted, i didnt drink a ton but i was definitely on my way to becoming an alcoholic. i drank nearly daily for two weeks and since then, there have been moments when i was tempted to just drink to avoid my problems and ease the pain. and thank goodness im not 21 yet or else i would’ve bought so many bottles already. it’s bc i dont have easy access that im still sober and not an alcoholic but looking at everything that im going through, sometimes i just want to give up and solve my problems by not thinking at all. 

i dont know if i feel alone bc i know that i have people around me that care about me. but i do feel like theres this wall thats dividing us and keeping me from really being raw and vulnerable and just facing my fears and anxieties and worries head on. and im wondering if the only way to get over this is to confess it to God. And while I think that will help in part, I do think I also just need to be okay with trusting others with my life and weaknesses and vulnerabilities and thriving in where I fail. Because none of us are perfect. I feel like before, people were jealous of me bc of how perfect I seemed. But now that I’ve let people see my weaknesses, I feel like they judge me and deem me unfit to lead and serve. But if this is how I can better develop my relationship with God, then why not do it, yknow? Idk. I’m just. conflicted. struggling. theres a lot on my plate and i just want to throw myself at my work so that i dont have to think about it.

[mousepatrol]

8.15.17

ok lol 2day um

i woke up at about 930 so not bad. messaged rose bc i was supposed to hang out with her and turns out her power was gonna b out so stuff got messed up but hopefully friday will work better for her so we can go to the mall then

i honestly ran out of things to do at like 11am. ok so i did forget that im supposed to do some emails but i H A T E emails so i guess i will do them now (im writing this a bit early). actually i called the electric company because i was supposed to upload a pic of my id to verify that i am me and i was like... searching the whole site and couldnt find the upload, so i called them and they said it was under contact me???????????? like. weird. shouldnt it be in my account or something? ugh honestly i dont know but i did it and also just made sure that its good to go for the 25th and it is so yay we will at least have some power over there, thats good.

but uh, bad news is my roommate set up the internet installation today and uh. we wont get internet until the 29th soososoosoooooooo............ yknow. that fuckin sucks, because i fall asleep to youtube because bad bad anxiety/panic at night (esp in new places) so i guess im going to download a bunch of episodes of skam to listen to for those days because 1 theyre in norwegian so idk whats happening mostly/can tune it out and fall asleep more easily and 2 i might just be fucking bored lmfao. but anyway im kinda mad because we had the ability to set up this installation about a week and a half ago... i told my roommate i could take care of the utilities, but she said no she wanted to do the internet and well. this is what has happened. everyone is moving in that weekend so of course theyre completely booked, i mean come on. its just really dumb

so i spent a couple of hours today on this discord chat that i found a few weeks ago for snape fans (jesus i know im a nerd but i like it ok, chill, i have no friends). it was actually really really good. there were only about 8 of us there, but we talked about gender (most of them werent cis it was crazy! there was a nb pan like me!) aand trauma and snape. it felt... so good to be able to talk to other people about cptsd and ptsd, even if it was kinda broad (i wenta little intense at one time, im an oversharer idk what to do i need my therapist lol). it just felt great to know that WOW. these people know what i mean. they completely feel me and i also relate to them, it was great. there was also this one person from DENMARK!!!!!!!!!!!! they gave me information abt their professors research because he does stuff in my field! THEY SAID I SHOULD VISIT IF I GET TO GO THERE!!!!!!!!!!! omgomgomgogmommg im gonna gooooooo

um um um! i did a measly amt of writing for my fic bc i was distracted but im about to work on that. i went to the gym for arms today (was great btw) and i saw THREE dUDES From MIDDLE SCHOOL. i did not recognize them at all but they came up to me and i knew two of the names but it was really weird. i tried to be nice but knowing me i was probably just awkward. i really tried i promise

i came home and got sleepy so i laid in bed for like and hour and then had dinner and fucked around and i did the 1 reply that i got today. now im gonna do some writing and then go to sleep or watch a movie, cya