#anyway i had been avoiding telling anyone who is Officially My Boss that i'm thinking about leaving town so i had to do that one

[rowenabean]

.

[haifengg]

The Dutch Room - Chapter 5

Find all chapters here!

The people working at Panoma were as different as they could possibly be. There were only a few things they all had in common and one of these things was the love for Barbara. Pretty much every Panoma employee was coming here at least twice a week and it wasn’t just because the place was run by their close friend Taeil but also because Taeil was offering the two most appealing things humankind knew about: Booze and Girls.

Even though the ladder only appeared to about 95% of Panama's personnel, at least one half of the 5% was a regular at Barbara herself and June was in no way inferior to her male colleagues.

Perhaps she liked Barbara for other reasons than maybe Doyoung or Johnny but she liked it. The money they spend on girls, she invested in drinks. Every time she came here she remembered how important this was to her. Just like now.

Taeil was part of the Panoma team from the very beginning. In fact he had already been there when June joined the company so wasn’t really able to tell how he got there or what he was doing before he became a male madam. All she knew was that the lady who used to run the place was the actual Barbara but she never got to meet her just once.

That in mind June sometimes wondered what the place had looked like before it was passed on to her friend. The premises were located on the first floor above a copy shop a few blocks from their office. Which made it reachable and a place to go for a drink after work. Or for something else to do after work.

Taeil once told her that he refurbished the whole space except the bar. According to him it was hard to arrange the counter, drinks and shelves in an actually effective way and when he first started working here it was the first thing catching his attention: How easy it was to operate behind the counter and how everything was at the most ideal place possible. So he decided to keep it this way and it remains the same until today.

“I heard you helped out the big boss.” June stated, sitting on one of the high stools, stirring in her drink.

Taeil just showed up again after picking something off the floor. “Pardon me?”

She chuckled. “I said: I heard you helped out Jaehyun with something?”

He grinned. “Please, you don’t need to act as if you don’t know. I’m aware he’s telling you everything.”

June shrugged. “Not everything.”

“You know, even though Doyoung is officially his boy for everything and Johnny’s acting as his right hand, you’re the one he tells things.”

“Speaking of which-” June turned around as she spotted Doyoung from the corner of her eye. “There is our boy for everything!”

She grinned at him widely, watching him approaching with a woman closely following him.

“How’s it going pal?” June asked and thrived on the annoyed look he responded with.

Doyoung might not like being teased but if he would be serious about that he surely wouldn’t make it so damn easy for her.

“You do remember you have work tomorrow? That means getting out of bed on time.” She reminded him, her voice raised, as they walked past her.

Doyoung didn’t stop as he answered “You just go fuck yourself.” and disappeared with his usual hostess to the usual room.

June scoffed and mumbled into her glass “I would still be doing a better job than any guy I had lately.”

Taeil laughed. The Panoma people not just became friends to him, after years of being loyal customers, but some of them turned this place into his home away from home. And June was one of the people he got so close with he would consider her a sister.

“To answer your question: Yes I did.”

She looked up. “Did what?”

Taeil sighed and leaned forward. “I helped out Jaeyhun with this problem of yours.”

“So I was right. He didn’t tell me anything but I had a feeling.”

“Someone had to. Your boyfriend left quite a void we had to fill. That was some hell of a talk we had the other day and I’m glad we came up with something.”

June’s lively vibes died the second Taeil not only mentioned Lucas but also called him her boyfriend. She hated it when people knew better and still don’t care.

“He wasn’t my boyfriend. How many times do I have to tell you? I thought you would especially get it.”

“Why?” Taeil scoffed and handed a drink to one of his employees. The woman had just walked up to the bar and left with the drinks in her hand, without wasting a thought about the two of them or what they were talking about. “Because I own and run a hostess bar I would know about you don’t catch feelings for anyone?”

“Yes?”

“Honey, exactly because I do what I do and see what I see I know how it looks like.”

Now it was her turn to scoff. “And that makes you an expert about what I feel?”

“I didn’t say that. It’s just that I saw how you were letting yourself go just a little bit. People who didn’t know you wouldn’t have noticed.”

“But you do know me, huh?”

He smiled. “I imagine I know you quite well. I learned a lot about you the past few years and I’ve never seen you like this before.”

“Well”, June said and chugged the last bit of her drink: “I’m sorry to tell you you’re mistaken if you think i could actually have cared about Lucas.”

She got up and grabbed her purse. “The only thing I cared about by that time was how the hell we were going to fix the catastrophe he caused and how we would be able to pull off everything we’ve worked for. To think a man - no - a fling was more important to me than the actual cause is foolish of you and you should know better. Good night.”

***

He dearly enjoyed her presence.

In this place of dozens of women it seemed to him as if she was the only sane one.

Compared to some of her coworkers she wasn’t actually pretty in a way which only meant she wasn’t hitting every single beauty standard society had come up with.

But she was ticking all the correct boxes for him. Her face was symmetrical but it looked like someone started to draw a portrait with a lot of motivation but lost track halfway through the process. And she knew that.

But instead of trying to cover it up or undergo plastic surgery she wore it with pride. Anong was never wearing heavy make-up and at some point Doyoung wasn’t sure if she even knew how to put it on.

In any case: He prefered her this way. Natural and approachable.

He was seeing her for almost 2 years every time he visited Barbara and he enjoyed her company up to this day. She made sure to always book the very same room beforehand when she knew he was visiting. Anong could sense how important consistency was to him.

“You know I’m discreet.” She said carefully and sat up. Anong never bothered to cover up her chest with the sheets or anything. Doyoung had once asked her about it and by that time she just laughed it off, replying that he had seen it anyway so why bother? Doyoung nodded at her question, calmly smiling and responded: “I know. That’s why I like you.”

“And you also know I am not into gossip. At all.”

He nodded again. “I know.” By now he could sense something was weighing heavy on her shoulders and he was impressed how well she hid the entire time they spent together this evening.

Anong rubbed her arm and avoided his eyes for a sheer second before taking the courage to ask:

“I am not asking this for myself but” She looked up meeting his gaze. “why has Lucas not been around for a while?”

Doyoung pushed parts of the sheets aside to sit up a little bit more straight. “What do you mean exactly?”

She tugged her hair behind her ears with both hands and took a deep breath.

"I'm asking this for two of the other girls. They are worried.”

“Honestly” He put up his hands. “I don’t know anything about his habits and who he is seeing.”

Anong sighed. She could sense how his mood changed, even though his face didn’t and immediately regretted having brought it up. But she had no choice.

“That’s not what I mean. You know some of us have children who they have to provide for. Those girls, the ones he was seeing, they’re struggling. So bad. And I need to tell them something. They know I am seeing you regularly so they keep asking me. They are my friends, please.”

The bagging tone rang out and made Doyoung get up and reach for his clothes.

“I can’t tell you anything about work.” He said terse as he pulled up his pants.

“I know but -"

“I can’t tell you anything about work.” He repeated with more emphasis and turned around. “If I were them I wouldn’t wait for him, there are plenty of other men out there.”

Anong looked him directly in the eye and understood what he was saying to her even if he didn’t exactly put it into words. She also knew that he wasn’t mad at her in any way. He understood she had to ask and she understood that he couldn’t talk about it. His job was at stake. Maybe more.

She watched him putting on his remaining clothes and eventually got up on her knees to check his tie. The rooms at Barbara didn’t have any mirrors for some weird reason so this became their little ritual because he hated looking sloppy.

As he walked up to the door she carefully asked: “You got nothing to do with it, right?”

Doyoung turned around, one hand on the door nod. “You know what I do for a living.” Then he paused, taking in the picture of the naked woman sitting on the disarranged sheets. This flawed woman that eventually got under his skin without him planning on it.

“You’re not one of the ones with children, right?”

Anong smiled softly. “You know what I do for a living.”

Navigation

[musetotheworld]

I'm glad you're still taking prompts because I have one, lol. Set after the Adam fiasco. Supergirl rescues Cat after an alien attack but a chemical secretion/reaction from the alien means they're literally stuck together until the effect fades. Quarantined at the DEO, they can't be 'professional' any longer.

Kara spends the first hour wishing teleportation were one of her abilities. That, or maybe J'onn’s ability to fade through walls. Anything that would get her out of this situation.

They’d tried to keep up the charade, of course. Sent agents to CatCo rather than bring Cat to the DEO. Spoken about Kara as if she were just an innocent bystander. There was no familiarity with any of the agents Kara knew so well by now, no bright smiles or questions about family. Everything stayed perfectly professional. They brought in a few DEO medics to act as ‘emergency responders’ and did everything possible to make it seem like a routine response to a strange situation.

And of course, none of it impressed Cat. She seemed impossible to please, sighing endlessly as she pulled away from Kara as if hoping the mysterious substance would suddenly release its hold. She didn’t yell at the agents, not beyond a few snapped comments here and there, but even without that it was profoundly uncomfortable.

Because no matter what happened, Cat would not acknowledge Kara’s existence. She avoided looking at her, the tugs at their joined arms were never commented on, and any time an agent spoke to Kara the pretense extended to that agent as well. For all the attention Cat paid her, Kara might as well have been a mannequin.

It had Siobhan smirking all afternoon until the DEO banished her from the office citing contagion concerns. Likely one of the agents had seen Kara’s barely suppressed anger after a particularly pointed interaction between CEO and new assistant, but whatever the reason, Kara was grateful. Even if it meant sitting next to Cat in awkward silence as the agents gathered samples and the medics ran their tests.

“We’d like to call your emergency contacts,” one of those medics says after the first hour, approaching with caution as Cat stiffened. “It’s been an hour, and protocol states we’re to reach out to the designated individual if the situation continues past that. Do either of you need to update that contact?”

“You can call, but I highly doubt she’ll bother answering,” Cat says. She sounds dismissive, even bored, but Kara hasn’t spent this much time learning her tells for nothing.

There’s a layer of hurt beneath the calm, and Kara wishes things were better between them. Wishes they still had the ease and familiarity from before Adam, before things went to hell and “strictly professional”. If this had happened then, she could have reached out, offered some form of comfort or understanding. Anything but sitting awkwardly and pretending she didn’t hear how much this was affecting Cat.

“No, Eliza is fine,” Kara says quietly when the medic turns to her, hoping they’ve been briefed well enough.

Alex is Kara’s official emergency contact in the CatCo system, but they can’t risk her showing up here. Not when the agents react with an instinctive respect, not when Alex commands it without thinking. Not when Alex has been around CatCo more than a few times since Kara started here. And not when Kara knows her sister’s image has shown up in several Supergirl shots over the last few months as DEO agents respond to whatever alien threat is looming.

Cat isn’t blind, and with the recent appearance of Bizarro so soon after only barely convincing her Kara wasn’t Supergirl, there was no sense in tempting fate. Better to keep Alex out of sight.

Except it turns out Alex might have been safer, all things considered. Because Cat goes politely cordial when Eliza arrives, asking questions and making casual conversation. And when Eliza makes a suggestion to the medics, Cat asks about her work.

“Oh, I’m a bio-engineer,” Eliza says with a smile. She seems fairly charmed by Cat’s friendly demeanor, even if she’d been a little wary at first. “This particular situation isn’t my area of expertise, but I do know a few things here and there.”

“Well then it’s a good thing you’re Kara’s emergency contact,” Cat says leaning forward a little in the way she does just before springing a trap. Kara wants to jump up, wants to do something, anything to stop whatever is about to happen, but she doesn’t know what it is. What if she just makes things worse?

“I doubt she ever considered they’d call for a situation like this, but I suppose it is,” Eliza says, looking at a sheet of paper one of the medics hands her with a slight frown. “I’m just grateful I can help, even if my doctorate isn’t really in medical fields.”

“I suppose that runs in the family,” Cat says, sounding interested but relaxed, as if she’s splitting her focus. It’s her way of putting people at ease, and it scares Kara more than any alien she’s faced before. She can’t stop it, doesn’t know what’s coming, but she knows something is about to go wrong. “A scientist mother with some medical knowledge, one daughter following in her footsteps, and the other flying her own path.”

“I’m very proud of them both,” Eliza says without looking up from the report in front of her, totally missing the way every agent in the room freezes at her words.

The worst thing is the way Cat reacts. Rather than anger, or gloating, she’s silent. Even Kara can’t tell what she’s thinking.

The agent in charge reacts first, phone out and calling the DEO and giving an update now that Cat Grant has proof of Kara’s identity. Even if she didn’t have a recording or the words in writing, she had enough information to run the story anyway. The lack of concrete evidence wouldn’t matter at that point. The story would be out, and millions of eyes would be on Kara. Irrefutable proof would follow soon enough under that kind of attention.

The relocation to the city DEO base doesn’t take long, and if the situation were any less serious Kara would be seriously put out at the fact there’s been a closer base all this time. The flight to the desert base takes no time at all, but getting the dust off her boots and cape is a pain. Every time she forgets and collapses into her bed or onto the couch she has to spend the next day cleaning up the mess.

“Well, thirty minutes alone in a shadowy government building and no one’s come to threaten me,” Cat says once they’ve been settled into the med bay. The medics have all scattered to run various tests on the substance now that they’re in the same location as the labs, and the two are alone for a moment for the first time since the alien had attacked. “I’m starting to think I might make it out of here after all.”

“Give it a bit,” Kara mutters. “This time of day, Alex is probably just stuck in traffic.”

“Ah yes, that would be the Danvers sister with a spine, correct?”

The words hurt, and for once Kara doesn’t push down the emotion. She lets it boil over into anger in a way she’s never dared before. But she’s never been both Supergirl and Kara with Cat before. She’s never been able to show every side of her, she’s had to hide no matter what face she presented to the woman.

“If we have to be stuck together, you could at least try not being insufferable,” Kara grits out, raising their joined arms to make her point. “You might be the Queen of all Media, but this is a shadowy government organization that doesn’t exist. This kind of fight wouldn’t be as easy as you’d like to think.”

As soon as the words leave her lips Kara wants to take them back, horrified she’d spoken so frankly. But she’d impressed Cat, Kara can tell that much, and it keeps her from immediately backtracking. Beyond that, she gets nothing.

Settling back in her chair with a disgruntled sigh, Kara resigns herself to a very uncomfortable few hours until the scientists come up with something to break them apart.

At this point, she’d rather go five rounds with her uncle.

***

“Kara!”

The worry in Alex’s tone, as well as the fact she’s using her real name, tips Kara off that someone has filled her sister in on the latest developments. Which means things might get very awkward very shortly.

Well, more awkward than they already are, she thinks as she moves to stand and gets pulled back by Cat’s weight against her. She’s consciously dialed her strength back to human levels to avoid hurting her boss, which means the tug nearly pulls her off balance and has her staggering slightly to regain it.

“I’m okay, Alex,” Kara says, resolutely ignoring the way Cat rolls her eyes. They haven’t said a word since Kara had snapped at her, and this doesn’t seem like an auspicious time to break that silence.

“You’re not okay! Mom gave your secret away to your boss, who happens to be the head of an international media conglomerate. Oh, and you’re also physically stuck to that boss. So no, Kara, don’t tell me you’re okay.”

Kara can’t blame her sister for being upset, but she’d hoped it wouldn’t be this bad. Right now, she’s not sure whether to be embarrassed or frustrated with Alex, even though Kara understands where her sister is coming from.

“It’s handled, okay?” Kara tries to reassure her, still hoping they can keep the situation from devolving further.

“Not yet it isn’t,” Alex says darkly, turning her attention to where Cat is still sitting looking fully composed. How she manages that with one arm stretched in front of her and attached to Kara’s is anyone’s guess, but she does. “You have a single good reason I shouldn’t lock you in a cell so deep they never find you?”

“You mean other than the inconvenient detail that I’m currently attached to your sister?” Cat fires back. Alex is in full tactical gear with a rifle slung over one shoulder, probably to make a statement, but Cat doesn’t flinch. And if not for a small flicker of fear in her eyes, even Kara would think she was perfectly calm in the face of Alex’s anger.

“Alex, relax,” Kara orders, trying to sound authoritative in the hopes it will make Alex trust her. “She didn’t tell the world last time she figured me out, what makes you think this time will be any different?”

“We don’t know she wasn’t going to tell the world,” Alex argues. “We convinced her before things got to that point.”

“Oh, please,” Cat says, finally standing and moving to Kara’s side. It presents them as a unified front, something Kara has missed and hopes isn’t temporary. “Do you really think I would let a story like that just sit around if I had any intentions of publishing?  Like hell I’d risk the Planet scooping me. If I’d intended to expose Supergirl’s secret identity, the article would have been written and posted that night.”

“You could’ve been waiting for proof,” Alex argues, refusing to back down even when Kara raises a calming hand. “The way you’ve treated Kara lately, you really expect me to believe you were somehow looking out for her?”

“I had all the proof I needed to at least raise the question in people’s minds. The rest would have followed.” Cat is just as determined as Alex, and considering the agent’s earlier threat, Kara is impressed. It takes a strong soul to stand up to Alex when she’s feeling this protective.

“No more arguing,” Kara tries again.

“You’re right, no more arguing,” Alex says, eyes narrowing as her hands tense. “Because there’s nothing to argue about. If she tells anyone who you are, or if she so much as hints at holding this against you in any way, I might not bother with that cell.”

“Alex, out!”

This time Cat’s reaction isn’t subtle, though she mostly hides it behind a scoff. But Kara knows her too well, and Alex is too well trained to miss this one. Cat is legitimately frightened Alex might actually carry out her threat.

“I see what you mean about the sister,” Cat says, turning as far as their linked arms will allow. “She’s certainly convincing.”

“She’s worried,” Kara defends, wanting to make this right but not knowing where to begin. It’s not just Supergirl that’s between them now. It’s betrayed trust and buried hurts freshly resurfaced. It’s secrets and confidence and failed communication. There’s too much to fix with a few words.

“I did manage to catch that, beneath the bluster,” Cat says with a deep sigh, turning back to meet Kara’s eyes. “And loath as I am to admit it, she’s right.”

“What do you mean?” Kara asks, not sure where this is going. Cat almost never admits she’s been wrong.

She can show it in a hundred different ways, but the words don’t come easily. And when she’s in situations that put her on the spot like this, she usually defaults to pretending she’s completely in control.

“God, Kara,” she groans. “Even you, with all your Sunny Danvers optimism, have to admit I’ve treated you like shit lately. I can’t blame Agent Scully there for thinking I’d do the same in this situation.”

“Then why did you push Eliza for my identity?” Kara asks, confused. “We could’ve sat in your office until they solved the problem and skipped all of this.”

“I saw a chance for the truth and took it,” Cat shrugs. “I didn’t think much beyond that. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised your sister wants to lock me in some cage somewhere.”

“I won’t let her do that,” Kara says immediately, daring to reach out with her free hand to rest it on Cat’s shoulder. “She’s worried about me just like she always is, but I won’t let her do that to you, okay? In fact, I’ll make her bring you a phone so you can call Carter. And Adam, if you want.”

She’s not blind or an idiot, she knows why Cat is scared. If it were only about herself, she would have fought. She would have reminded Alex who she is and what pressure she can bring to bear. She would have demanded to speak to the director, to the President even. The fact she hadn’t speaks just as much as her threats would have.

“You aren’t my assistant here,” Cat says with an attempt at her usual dismissiveness. But Kara can see the thanks in her eyes, and she knows how much the offer means.

“I am unless you’re firing me,” she dares to say, one brow raised in something like challenge as she stares Cat down.

“I believe that would fall under the ‘holding this against you’ clause of your sister’s threat,” Cat points out with a wry smile.

The moment stretches on, full of unspoken communications that Kara doesn’t think any of the languages she knows could encompass. It’s them, purely and completely, and nothing else. Something has shifted, something has changed, and for once they’ve both decided to let it happen, trusting it’s all for the better.

“So we think we have a solution,” Alex interrupts. She’s removed most of her tactical gear, and is holding an opaque container in one hand and a stack of papers in the other. “So we’ll see about getting you free, then we can move on to making sure none of this makes headlines tomorrow.”

Cat sniffs at the sight of no doubt every NDA the DEO has on hand, but doesn’t protest. Kara knows any protest would be solely for show, but she’s grateful they won’t have an argument about this as well as everything from before.

As Alex directs them towards the sink and begins to scrub at their joined arms, Kara narrows her eyes down at the foam. “Alex, is that dish soap?” she asks incredulously, recognizing the blue liquid from years of household chores.

“Something about it negates the adhesive properties of the alien secretions,” Alex says with a shrug. “One of the scientists suggested it after remember something her kids did a few years back.”

“Soap and water,” Cat says in disbelief. “We were glued together for hours because no one thought to try soap and water.”

“Would you rather we tried that first and the soap had a negative reaction with the substance?” Alex says sharply, looking a little defensive of her science division.

Kara’s just glad to finally be free, and as soon as they’ve dried their arms off she pulls Cat into a hug, unable to resist the need to hold her close. They’d been stuck together for hours, but this feels different.

And from the way Cat doesn’t fight, just wraps her own arms around Kara, she thinks the need is mutual. Whether it’s just catharsis, or whether it has something to do with the shift in their relationship, Kara doesn’t know. But for the first time since Cat had insisted they be purely professional, she’s hopeful they’ll have a chance to figure it out.

And when Cat’s lips press just barely against her neck before she finally pulls back, Kara thinks they both know what’s changed.

[thebibliophagist]

   Goodreads   Amazon

“For as long as I could remember, I had been apologizing for existing, for trying to be who I was, to live the life I was meant to lead.”

I have been trying for about thirty minutes to come up with an adequate summary of this book.  A summary that doesn’t belittle the subject matter or leave out any important details. A summary that doesn’t reveal any spoilers. I’m at a loss, honestly, so here is the official blurb:

Amanda Hardy is the new girl in school in Lambertville, Tennessee. Like any other girl, all she wants is to make friends and fit in. But Amanda is keeping a secret. There’s a reason why she transferred schools for her senior year, and why she’s determined not to get too close to anyone. And then she meets Grant Everett. Grant is unlike anyone she’s ever met—open, honest, kind—and Amanda can’t help but start to let him into her life. As they spend more time together, she finds herself yearning to share with Grant everything about herself…including her past. But she’s terrified that once she tells Grant the truth, he won't be able to see past it. Because the secret that Amanda’s been keeping? It’s that she used to be Andrew.

So first things first, I think I need to start with a little disclaimer.  I am a straight cisgender female.  I understand and fully acknowledge that I cannot relate to Amanda’s struggles.  This book was not written for me, and that is completely okay.

Now, onto some rants, which you are fully welcome to skip--

In case you hadn’t realized, the year is 2017 and for some reason, trans people are still an issue.  I work in a medical practice, and we have trans patients. (Not many, but some.) Is this is a big deal? No. Do people make it a big deal? Yes. My boss, in fact, will often strike up a conversation about famous trans people just to get a rise out of me.  She thinks it’s funny when I get angry about this. She doesn’t care one bit about whether the patients overhear.  Small children can understand people wanting to be referred to differently, but this forty-year-old woman can’t.

Personally, I don’t understand this, since someone else’s gender has literally no bearing on my life, but we evidently live in a time in which politicians think it’s a-okay to make laws about who can use what bathroom under the guise of “women’s safety.”  Now, I don’t mean to get all political on this blog (although I kind of do), but I am much more comfortable with the idea of peeing next to a trans woman than I am with the idea of peeing next to somebody who feels like it’s their place to dictate what someone else does with their own genitalia.

Anyway, on to my review.

The main criticism I’ve seen of this book is that it’s too easy. That Amanda never really struggles.  Her mother accepts her immediately. Her father, though a little more reluctant, makes an effort. She’s given easy access to hormones and surgery despite her (seemingly) lower-middle-class upbringing. She’s into stereotypically girly things like makeup and pretty dresses. She easily passes as a woman and not one of her new classmates suspects that she’s trans. Upon walking into a new school, she instantly has two football players hitting on her and four girls clamoring to be her new best friends. The criticism, it seems, is that Russo should have written a more honest book.

I have a lot to say on this matter.

First, imagine Amanda is not trans. Imagine she’s your average female YA protagonist starting at a new school. Would you be all up in arms that two boys thought she’s cute?  Would you think it’s weird that a bunch of girls accepted her into their inner circle?  No, you would think it’s just any other YA book.  So why does this have to be different?

Second, I don’t see why a book featuring a trans character must immediately be heartbreaking. There are enough sad stories on the news. This is not an exposé. It’s not a list of every awful event that has ever happened. If that’s what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the wrong place.  This is a book that brings awareness to a group that is very rarely shown in literature, especially young adult literature.

I have been thinking and thinking and thinking since I finished this book and I have been unable to come up with any book I’ve ever read that’s featured a trans protagonist. (I should probably put a disclaimer here though that I have read a ton of books in my life, and it’s entirely possible that I have read such a book and just forgotten about it.)

I do recall that Chuck Palahniuk’s Invisible Monsters features a trans character, but she’s not the protagonist, and also, I read that book 10+ years ago, so I’m not sure if it even counts anymore.  My point here is that it’s really uncommon for a book, especially a young adult book, to feature trans characters, so I think it is wonderful that this book even exists, let alone that Amanda is such an accessible character.

Because even though this book might not be “honest,” all of the characters felt so real. I feel like I could wander into the nearest high school and find these people.  And sure, maybe Grant was a little too good to be true.  (Many YA love interests are.)  Maybe it’s a little unrealistic that Amanda could immediately find a group of four girls willing to take her on shopping sprees and teach her about sports bras and defend her to the death, but I just keep coming back to my point that it’s absolutely irrelevant.  Because this happens in so many young adult novels. It’s not exclusive to this one, and to insinuate that this book can’t use the same tropes as a young adult novel featuring a cis protagonist is ridiculous.

Before I get on to my next point, I just want to give a warning to any readers that might be sensitive to it: Throughout her life, Amanda is subjected to an awful lot of bullying, including being attacked in a bathroom. Prior to her move to Lambertville, she attempts suicide using her mother’s prescription pain medication. I feel like it’s important to mention this not only for people who may want to avoid these triggers in the books they read but also because it explains the undercurrent of anxiety that runs through the book. Amanda’s life in Lambertville might be pretty good, but she’s always prepared for the fallout. She’s always ready for someone to be just around the corner, poised to attack. She knows that peace and quiet never lasts.

I had my expectations about what would happen. I thought maybe Grant would find out and make a scene. Or Parker, Grant’s friend that Amanda rejects at the beginning of the book, would find someone from her hometown to tell the entire school her secret. I try to maintain spoiler-free reviews at all times, so I can’t comment on what finally happens, but it was not what I expected. It was also not unbelievable. Another credit to the author for not taking the easy road, but also not randomly throwing a wrench in the plot.

I almost wanted this book to be longer.  I definitely wished for a more concrete ending. But then I thought about it, and I decided that I’m okay with the book being short and I'm okay with the ending. I think it’s better to hold out hope that everything turned out well for Amanda.  As a rule, I generally despise open endings, but I’m not convinced that a nice tidy ending with a pretty bow would have been any better in this book. So while I might have wanted to see the entire town simply accept Amanda as she is as she and Grant run off to New York together to start a new life together, I’m sure this would have brought even more criticism and even more cries of “impossible” or “unrealistic” or “dishonest.”

I just loved this book so much. I can hardly believe it was a debut, and I am so impressed with the way Meredith Russo was able to touch my heart. I will absolutely keep an eye out for her future work. I hope that she continues to write books like this one.

As a side note, I would ask you to read the author’s note at the end of the book. I often skip over these, but for some reason, I was compelled to read this one. It is so, so important and explains a lot of the criticisms people have had with the book.

Final rating: ★★★★★

#mmdreading: a book by an #ownvoices or #diversebooks author