#anyway we saw splashing in the water and there were two seals slapping each other

[forkandknife]

I think I saw a harbor seal play fighting with a northern fur seal today

[golddaggers]

if you say so

pairings: mitch rapp x reader

warnings: cursing, mentions of sex.

a/n: writing this made me cry so much, but I don’t want to spoil anything. just see for yourselves.

word count: 5,3k+

December, 2017

It was another terrible winter night, the one that celebrated a month since the love of my life walked out on me. Yes, a bit amusing if you consider the fact I hated this season and everything that comes along with it.  

Ever since I was a little girl, I was never a fan of winter. Never wanted to go outside to play in the snow with my other friends, never enjoyed jumping into puddles of water and the rainy nights were my personal nightmare. I hated thunders with my whole soul. They were undeniably scary, plus the lightnings? Urgh, only to be thinking about it makes my body cringe. It was really awful.

But, my entire concept of hate changed when I met him, when I met Mitch Rapp. Honestly, I do not wish to sound cheesy, that is definitely not my goal, yet, I can tell you, without thinking twice that the handsome brown haired man I once called husband was my soulmate. He understood me in ways no one managed to do. Broke down my walls with a sledgehammer. I didn’t even saw him coming, still, when I clasped the grip of my life, I was already utterly in love with him. Mitch was… addictive.

I gripped a mug filled with tea, heading outside and opting to watch as the rain slapped the buildings, water gushing everywhere. It was a plainly normal scene, I agree, however, it felt like I had gotten a ticket to a ride down memory lane. I began missing his arms around my waist, his chin supported on my shoulder and how he would sometimes kiss my neck, his beard my skin itch. I missed his hoarse laugh. The way his eyes would go to a soft tone of liquid honey when he was about to tell me he loved me.

A warm tear rolled down my cheek and then I realised it was time to bring back the old picture hidden under the cushioned seat from the balcony. The photo was old, the edges already fading; Mitch had his lips pressed onto my face in a clumsy kiss, I was smiling and we were sort of hugging. That day was fucking amazing and I wish I could go back to that state of happiness.

Nevertheless, I couldn’t.

Summer, 2014

“You look really good on that, baby girl.” Mitch said with a cocky smirk, wounding his arms around my waist and nibbling at my bare neck, his beard grazing my skin, sending chills to my entire form.

“I’m only wearing my bikini bottoms, you can’t say that I ‘look good on that’ when I’m half naked.” I replied, laughing. “But thank you, Mr. Rapp.”

“You’re welcome, Miss Y/L/N.” The brown haired man kissed my cheek playfully then went to lie on the huge bed situated on the middle of the room. “You should hurry, though, because we should already be enjoying a beautiful day by the pool.”

“Yeah, I’m almost done, honey.”

The hotel Mitch and I had found in Jeffersonville, Vermont, wasn’t exactly fancy, but, considering we just wanted to be together and take pleasure in the little time we had before he was forced to go back to work, anything with the standard comfort fulfilled our needs. Plus, the place wasn’t so bad; it was a little cabin, everything beautifully carved and made out of wood. Simply perfect.

A goofy grin slipped whilst I observed the handsome man glancing at me; although we had been together for almost two years now, not one day went by without him making sure I knew how much he loved me. Which was why we faced hours and hours on the road so we could spend our anniversary in this romantic getaway. I guess he was feeling a tad guilty about how much he had worked lately, still, I didn’t blame him; I knew he was happy being the hero. Thus I was happy as well.

Finally, after getting fully clothed and applying the last layer of sunblock on my face, we went out, heading to the hotel’s pool section. Mitch, as usual, hooked his rough fingers with mine, the thumb massaging carelessly the back of my hand. It was such a small gesture, yet I could already feel a tingling sensation spreading across my body, causing me to smile.  

Because it was way too early, the place was nearly empty when we got there, five minutes later; I mean, no one would be insane enough to get up at 7 A.M. so they could hit the swimming pool. But I guess it’s what happens when you date a trained agent: sleeping in late is a very rare occasion. Mitch never slept past six and half in the morning, I had lost count of how many times I woke up to an empty bed and him outside our small home working out, punching sandbags or something. Not that I was bothered by it, that being the first thing I saw in the day always brightened up my mood.

Taking a good deep breath, my eyes closed, I couldn’t help but think my life was exactly where I wanted it to be. After years working under the supervision of a boss I didn’t like one bit, I had finally managed to save enough money to open my vet clinic, in a successfully partnership with my best friend; had moved into a nice home, which allowed me to adopt my adorable Annie; had a healthy relationship with my family and, at last but not least, I had found the man of my dreams. The more I give this emphasis, I am more sure Mitch Rapp is the man I want to spend the rest of my days with. He is everything I had ever dreamt about or wanted in a partner.

It was fun to look back to the night we met, because, even then, I knew he wasn’t any ordinary person. Robert Mills, which was a friend of mine from school, had invited me to a small gathering; at first, I wasn’t going to go. The weather was horrible, my flatmate Cristina was sick with the flu… Everything seemed to be working so I couldn’t go to the stupid party. However, as if fate wanted Mitch and I to meet, Cris talked me into it, saying it would be good for me to unwind a bit after the rough week I had had at work. Therefore, I got on my favourite black dress, heels, light make-up and drove to Robert’s place. Once there I realised the evening wasn’t going to be much fun; to be honest, I knew Robbie wasn’t much of a wild guy. Nevertheless, just when I was about to leave, I spotted him leaning against a tall column, smoking a cigarette. I couldn’t quite place what gave me the courage, but I walked up to that handsome man. We talked all night long, both sat at a bench on the park in front of the house. That night was purely magical.

“Sweetheart!” Mitch’s hoarse voice called, splashing water on me playfully. “Come join me, please!”

“Mitch!” Exclaiming, I started drying myself with the white towel I had brought for him. “I don’t want to get wet.”

“Just for a little bit. I want to talk to you about something.”

“Why don’t you come here?”

“No, it has to be here. Please, baby girl, it won’t take long. Just five minutes, okay?”

“Five minutes!” Shrugging, I agreed, making my way into the cold water. “Jesus, this is cold!”

“I’ll warm you up.” He said, his strong arms wounding themselves around my waist. “You’re so beautiful, you know that?”

In delight, I just let my head fall to rest on his shoulder, my eyes sealed shut. Being within his embrace was an indescribable feeling, if there’s a place where I could die in peace, it was under his silky touch. My boyfriend dragged his beautiful upturned nose up my neck, his teeth nibbling at the sensitive skin of my earlobe, causing me to hum in pleasure. His thumbs, then, began a soft massage at each side of my body. I had no idea what he wanted out of this, but I was enjoying it a lot.

“Mitch…” I whispered, reaching back to cup his cheek. “You can’t do that to me in public. I can’t resist it.”

“Babe, don’t use that sexy voice on me. It’s not right.” The brown haired man muttered, his mouth now latched on the crook of my neck. “Plus, I called you here because I wanted to tell you something.”

“What is it?”

“First I want you to know that you are the love of my life. I have loved a few women back then, but when it comes to you, all those loves from before seems as if they were merely passions. Because when I look at you, my heart warms up, my legs tremble and I am struck with the realisation that I rather be shot on the stomach or be beaten up til I’m dead than to lose you.”

“Oh baby.” A single tear fell from my right eye, a lump forming on my throat. I swivelled myself to stare at him, noticing he was just as emotional as I was. “I love you so much.”

“Sh, babe, let me finish.” He smiled, wiping away the string of teardrops streaming down my cheeks. “What I am trying to say is that, whenever I have to be away from you, I feel this awful sensation in my gut, like something is missing. I miss the way your hair scatters on my pillow and how you steal the sheets all to yourself, leaving my feet cold in the dead of night. I miss your arms wrapped around my waist. You fixing my ties. You stealing kisses. I miss you. And I don’t want to miss you any more. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Y/N.”

“Yes.”

“Oh, no, let me ask first.” We both laughed, our cries mingling with the happiness. “Will you-”

“Yes, yes, yes.”

“Y/N!” Mitch squeezed my hand, tilting his head. “Will you marry me?”

“Fuck yes, baby, I’ll be your wife. Your partner. Everything that you want.”

Wearing the cutest smile in the whole wild world, he slided down my finger a beautiful ring. I could sense my heart pounding against my ribcage as I admired him awe, my hands cupping his cheeks, feeling the soft stinging of his beard against my palms. He laced his arms around my small back, pulling us even closer so he could finally connect our lips into a very meaningful kiss. There wasn’t anything wild or hot, like our usual. It was just two souls in love making a deeper connection through a physical act.

“I love you.”

“Me too, darling, me too.”

October, 2017

A small pile of clothes, alongside with thrown shoes, made a slight disarray on our bedroom’s recently cleaned floor. Not that we cared, anyway, we were way too busy trying to get our breathings back to normal, feeling the cold touch of our sweat dripping down our backs while two tired, but blissful, smiles rested on our lips. Mitch and I had made quite a mess tonight.

I guess it was the long time we spent apart from each other that caused us to be so hungry. My beloved husband had been tasked with an undercover mission in Afghanistan, one that lasted over two months. Meaning that when he got back home, there wasn’t anything we wanted to do other than make sure we knew how much we had missed one another. The rest didn’t matter at all.

“Sweetheart?” He muttered quietly, after pulling me to lie my head on his chest, hands slowly stroking my back. “You haven’t talked much… Is everything okay?”

“Of course it is, Mitch, I’m just a bit numb. That’s all.”

The man laughed loudly, shaking his head while tightening his arms around me in a clumsy hug. I, on the other hand, solely smiled, too busy drawing imaginary figures on his pale arm. It was so damn good to be around him again… No words were actually needed. Just the warm sensation of his skin against mine, protecting me from the coldness of autumn. The worst time of the year was coming.

“I was thinking…”

“You thinking? That’s news! What have they done with you in there?” I joked, looking up at him and seeing the frown forming on his face.  

“Very funny, Y/N.” He replied, shifting us so we were lying facing each other. “It’s serious.”

“Fine, fine, I’m sorry. Tell me.”

“Okay, uh… So, we have been married for two years now.”

“Yes, we have.” Now I was smirking, I loved seeing him acting so nervous. It was so incredibly adorable. “What do you want to tell me, baby?”

His tepid hands reached for my cheeks, cupping them gently and directing me the beautiful honey eyed glance I loved so much. His eyes never seemed brighter to me, which caused a shy grin to pull up the corners of my mouth. Mitch smiled as well, his thumbs massaging my cheekbones. I closed my eyes for a minute, too overwhelmed by his blazing gaze.

“I don’t want you to be pressured about what I’m going to say. If you don’t want to, that’s okay with me. Whatever makes you happy, makes me happy too.”

“Please spill the tea. I’m curious.”

“Let’s have a baby. We have been together for five years, we’re married, have our own place, stable jobs… It’s the right timing to start our family, don’t you think?”

“Wow, Mitch, wait a minute.”

Sitting up straight on our california king sized bed, I carefully observed his features, the beam of hope fading away from his eyes. It wasn’t like I didn’t want to have a family with him. If there was anyone I would want to have a kid with, that someone was Mitch Rapp. Nevertheless, I couldn’t ignore the fact he worked for the government as a CIA agent. It was a dangerous job; Hell, I was constantly worrying whether he would return home whole from his missions. Also, my husband had many enemies. I don’t know if I could risk the life of a child.

“I know what you’re thinking.” The honey eyed man murmured. “I know that look.”

“Then you know I can’t do that.”

“But you want to, don’t you?”

“Yes, of course, I want everything with you.” I sighed, shaking my head, a couple of tears escaping. “But it’s risky, you and I both know it.”

“I’ll quit my job.” Mitch said, staring at me so vividly I knew he wasn’t just saying that out of the heat of the moment. “I can easily find another one. Or maybe work with you at the pet clinic. I honestly don’t mind.”

“Oh no, please don’t say that. I don’t want you to give up on your dream job. I love you way too much to allow that.”

“Listen to me.” He intertwined our digits again, giving a soft squeeze. “I know what it has done to us. Fuck, I hate when I’m too far from you. I don’t want it any more. So… At the end of the year, I am going to resign.”

“Baby…”

“No, I have set my mind on it. I can be on the training team, or preparing the new recruits. But no more missions. I’m done.”

“You promise to me that’s what you really want?”

“Cross my heart and hope to die.”

Then, in a swift movement, I straddled his lap, lacing my arms around his neck and quickly planting a kiss on his soft, pink lips. Without thinking twice, he returned the fond action, palms gripping the back of my tights, eliciting a gentle, delighted hum to fall from my mouth. I didn’t want to admit out loud, but I was happy Mitch had made that choice. I hated the fact we had to spend so much time away from each other. Now it was like I could breathe properly. I wouldn’t have to worry about my husband’s safety any more.

A few moments later, we broke the kiss, still gasping and heaving.

“I’ll ask again now.” He mumbled, hands rubbing my back at leisure. “Do you, Mrs. Rapp, want to make a baby with me?”

“You are so cheesy.” I chuckled, hiding my face on the crook of his neck, intoxicating myself with his manly scent. “Yes, I do, Mr. Rapp. Let’s make a baby.”

“It will be my pleasure.” My husband answered and I could already feel his ‘excitement’ poking my inner thigh.

“I’m hoping it will be ours.”

“I’ll make sure it will.”

“Alright. I trust you.”

Chuckling, Mitch pushed me down onto the mattress so he could be lying above me, my legs wounded around his waist. His nose poked mine, teasing before sealing our lips in one hell of a good kiss. The night was surely going to be fun.

November, 14th, 2017

While pouring fresh tea inside a large mug, already wearing my thickest set of sweaters, I began wondering if I would ever get used to missing Mitch. He had left only a week ago, but each morning I woke up without him by my side caused a dull ache to spread on my chest. It didn’t matter how many times we had done it before, I was never fully completed unless he was with me. Some might say I was addicted to him, however, they didn’t know about our personal life. They didn’t know the extension of our love towards one another. And this was something I guess no one will ever truly understand.

Taking a deep breath, I decided it was best if I went upstairs to snuggle under my comfy sheets. I had woken up with a horrible belly twisting that made me stay all the day long at home, because I couldn’t stop throwing up; when I called Cris to let her know I wouldn’t go to work, she offered herself to drop off some healthy food at my place once the working day was done. Such a good friend! She even suggested to stay with me the night, but I couldn’t get her away from her kids or husband. Thus she left, about thirty minutes ago. To be honest, I was already better. I had taken two pills, ate a good warm soup… My stomach seemed to be completely okay now.

As soon as I stepped inside my room, my phone began ringing; upon realising it could only be Mitch, my heart skipped a beat and I ran to pick it up, not able to wait another moment. I needed to see his face.

“Hey babe.” He said, winking at me playfully. “How are you today?”

“I was a bit sick earlier, but I’m better now.” I answered honestly, placing the cup of tea on my nightstand. “Some food probably didn’t sit me right.”

“You have to eat properly, Y/N. Especially now that we’re trying to have a baby.”

“Yes, you’re right. I just wished you were here.”

“I’ll be home soon, baby girl. Just one more week, alright?”

“Uh-uh.” Sipping at my delicious drink, I gazed at him, watching him smile. God I loved that man with all my heart. “Are you okay?”

“Well, I would be if you were here with me, but since you’re not, I can only say I’m good. My heart misses you. And other things miss you too.”

“Ew, you pervert.”

Our call lasted about an hour, one that made me forget that I was ever feeling sick or sad. We laughed, told each other about our day, him having a lot more to say than I did, a couple of jokes, a few cheesy ‘I love you’s and when we finally came down to our senses, it was way too late for either of us to be up. Mitch yawned while I stretched, barely able to keep my eyes open.

“Alright, we should go sleep.”

“Yeah, I think we should, babe.” I agreed, nodding, blinking way too many times.

“I love you, girl.”

“I love you more.”

He glared at me seriously, pausing and taking a deep breath afore breaking down into a cheerful laugh. It was so contagious, I wasn’t able to hold back a chuckle; seeing him so happy made me feel great inside.  

“If you say so.”

“Bye, baby.”

Waving one last time to me, still smirking, Mitch ended the call. I threw my cellphone to his side of the bed, heaving in pleasure and finally feeling at ease for a change. Within seconds I felt myself drift off, his beautiful image still floating inside my mind.  

November, 16th, 2017

Today was marking exactly two days since I had last spoken to my husband and, as usual, I was starting to feel anxious. In the five years we had been together, whenever he was away working, there wasn’t a single day we didn’t find a way to let the other know we were fine. Either through messages or calling. So it was pretty weird that he hadn’t make any sort of contact, but I was trying to not let my bad thoughts get best of me. Mitch was probably stuck with something so he wasn’t able to reach me. Yes, that was the probably the explanation behind this.

With the positive thinking in my mind, I got up from bed, ate a delicious breakfast, put on some clothes and went to work. Busying myself was probably the best option I had now, despite feeling still a little bit sick, I wasn’t going to mope around home. My clinic needed me; once there, I totally forgot about the external world. Just me and the adorable animals. They always managed to get me a better mood.

During the whole day, I found the necessary strength to not check my phone repeatedly; it wouldn’t do any good to martyrise myself. I knew my husband; he was damn good on what he did. It was worthless to worry, plus, Mitch wouldn’t want that. Maybe he just rescheduled his coming back and hadn’t told me to make me a surprise.

Shaking my head, I focused on the last animal I would have to treat today. My head was feeling a bit light and needed my bed as soon as possible; I was definitely not better from whatever I had. Perhaps I should just throw away all of my food. But, if I were to be honest, I wasn’t exactly feeling up to eat anyway.  

“Okay, this pup is very much healthy.” I said, scratching the back of the dog’s ears. “Don’t be so preoccupied, he only has a mild cold. This big boy should be better in a few days. Just make sure he eats right.”  

“Alright.” The sixty and something woman smiled at me. “Thank you, Mrs. Rapp.”

“Call me Y/N, please, and I am the one who’s thankful you chose us to take care of your little one.” We shook hands for a brief second. “If that doesn’t go away in a week and half, bring him back here.”

“I’ll do that. Again, thank you so much, Y/N.”

Mrs. Emerson waved goodbye and disappeared through the tall brown door of my office, leaving me completely alone for the first time today. Inhaling a deep breath, I opted to use the last fifteen minutes to sign some papers; nevertheless, no matter how hard I tried to fight, I still could feel that something was off, even though I didn’t know what was causing me to be like that.

Huffing, I realised I couldn’t push myself any further; mind was too fuzzy and I still had to drive home, so, in about five minutes, I packed all my stuff, everything perfectly set to my departure. I gave the keys to Philip, the receptionist, then went outside, feeling the rough wind slap my face. Urgh, I hated this crappy season.

On the way back to my place, a thin rain began to fall and the traffic grew heavier. A trip that lasted ten minutes got extended to twenty. Nonetheless, the second I arrived, I felt my entire body froze when I spotted a black Mercedes parked outside my house. This sort of thing never brought good news. A small part of me still wished the car wasn’t waiting for me, that this whole thing was just one big misunderstanding.  

I was wrong, obviously.

“Mrs. Rapp, wait!”

“Yes?”

“I’m a Irene Kennedy.” The beautiful woman who had stopped me from going inside introduced herself, her traits very much austere. “I work with your husband, Mitch Rapp.”

“Oh.” It was all I managed to say. “And?”

“I need to speak with you for a minute. Is that okay?”

“Sure.” Tightening the coat around me, I motioned to my home. “Let’s get inside first. It’s really cold.”

“Okay, that’s sounds good.”

While we made our way towards my residence, I wasn’t able to contain my curiosity, glaring at her by the corner of my eye, searching for any clues on her appearance that would help me uncover the reasons beneath her sudden visit. Even though I couldn’t spot anything out of the usual, the weird feeling at the pit of my stomach got back, this time even stronger, so much I was damn sure I would be throwing up soon.

My hands began shaking and I had to take a good deep breath before unlocking my front door, revealing the neatly organised living room. If Irene had noticed my nervousness, she had done pretty great job at pretending everything was fine. Maybe she was just used to handling the soldiers wives always being worried about their husbands.

“Do you want anything?” I questioned, clamping my bottom lip between my teeth. “A glass of water? Juice?”

“No, I’m fine. Can we talk now?”

“I know what you’re going to say and I-I don’t know if I’m ready.”

“Sit, please.”

“How badly?” The words had come out so low I wasn’t sure if Kennedy had understood what I had said.

“I beg your pardon?”

“Mitch. He’s injured, isn’t he? That’s why he hasn’t called me, right?”

“Mrs. Rapp…”

“Call me Y/N.” As I dismissed her, I could already feel the tears welling up in my eyes. “When can I see him?”

“Y/N, I’m afraid it’s little bit more serious than just a injury.”

“What do you mean?”

“Mitch, uh, he…” Irene muttered uneasy. “He passed away.”

At first, I didn’t quite know what to do with that information, because it simply could not be true. Mitch Rapp, my husband, the future father of my children, would never, never, leave me like that. We had made promises! We were going to make a family. For God’s sakes, we swore to grow old together. It was lie. A mean, terrible lie. But then, once Irene started to rub my arm, I realised it wasn’t. He wouldn’t magically appear from behind a curtain saying ‘surprise!’. It was that moment everything crashed down. All my senses simply decided to cease their functions, leaving me to rot.  

I struggled, trying to breathe, trying to make out of the darkness and fog that suddenly clouded my sight. Nevertheless, the more I tried, I knew, deep down, I didn’t want to, really. If it meant I would be living in a world where I would not have my soulmate beside me, I didn’t want live at all.

“Y/N, are you okay?”

“No, I’m not.” Tears were now rolling down my cheeks, breathing growing harder and harder. “I-I… What happened?”

“He was shot in a crossfire, we tried all we could to bring him back, but the bullet had gone too deep.”

“W-when can I see him? His body.”

“Soon. We’re making all the arrangements to his funeral.”

“Okay, I-”

But I was never able to finish that sentence.  

When I regained my senses again, I was no longer at home, but actually in a very bright, white place. I had wires connected to my body, an IV that made my arm ache a bit and a monitor beeping to each of my heartbeats. What was I doing at hospital?

As if someone was reading my mind, a very nice looking woman walked inside my room, a chart on her hands. She smiled at me politely whilst I sighed, shifting on the hospital bed.

“How you’re feeling, Mrs. Rapp?”

“Awful.”

“That’s okay, you have been through a traumatic event. You’ll need time to recover.”

“Why am I here?”

“A woman named Irene brought you in last night, you were passed out. She informed us about your husband, so we were sure it was just the stress, but we ran some tests and-”

“Oh.” The sinking feeling in my belly returned, once the memories of last night’s events flooded back in. “Where is she?”

“Uh, Ms. Kennedy couldn’t stay, she called a friend of yours, Cristina Anderson.” The woman mumbled, her eyes weary. “But I have good news.”

“Good news?” I shrieked, narrowing my eyes. “The only good news you could tell me is if I’m dying.”

“Mrs. Rapp, I wish there was something I could do besides telling you how sorry I am for your loss.”

“Oh shut up, no one of you know what I’m going through. I-I just… I want to die. Please, inject me with something. Ease my pain. I give you the rights.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re pregnant.”

“I’m what?”

“We ran some blood tests, just to rule out the causes of your dizziness and faint. Your friend told us you have been sick for a few days. I’m sorry this is the worst timing in the world for you to be receiving this news, but… You’re pregnant.”

December, 2017

It is still hard for me to get up from my bed each morning. To not feel his arms tight around my waistline, or hear him whispering how much he loves me. I was still paralysed and I didn’t think I would be much better in any time soon, even though I needed to due to my current situation.

I took a sip from my tea, trying to control the tears that threatened to come back. The rain smoothened a little, yet, the wind kept whooshing, slapping my face and probably leaving my cheeks reddened. Remembering him made me feel at home, at least for a while.

“I wish you were here, baby.” Stroking my still straight belly, I whispered to the wind, hopeful that whenever he was he would hear me. “Just to see the child you wanted growing. I understand you had go, but it would be so much better if you were here to go through this with me…”

A single tear slipped. I still had so much to tell him… I wanted to see him again, hear his voice, hold him one last time, say that I loved him more than anything; that he was the most important person in this world for me; that I would never feel complete again; that nothing would ever be the same without him. I would give anything to do that.

His happy face haunted my thoughts, the last words repeating themselves again and again in my mind… “If you say so”. It was ironic that despite shattering my heart into a zillion pieces, Mitch was still able to leave me with a gift. A small piece of him to remind me that he would always be my side. His last wish would become true.

“I only hope you’re watching us from there and that you know I still love you more.”

And, after I said that, a soft breeze hit my face, as if he was answering me. I smirked, walking inside, more sure than ever that, as long as I kept him within my heart, Mitch would always be by my side.  

you said ‘I love you girl’

I said ‘I love you more’

Then a breath, a pause, you said

��If you say so’

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