#anyways i just always think about this when someone new follows me and unfollows shortly after

[the-kipsabian]

i always feel kinda sorry for ppl who follow me for general wrestling stuff or something completely else and then they get blasted in the face with 99% of just kip content

but also. idk what you were expecting???

[nootvanlis]

Fuck Carmilla Con and Fuck SLC1698 and Goodbye

Yes this is another blog/fandom goodbye because my mental health is degrading and not getting any better.  I don’t know when/if I’ll come back.  And a lot of that has to do with Carmilla Con and SLC1698 which, fuck them.  If you care to know why, feel free to read.  And if you want to talk shit about me or send shit, don’t do it on my blog because I gave it away and frankly, I’m gone and don’t care enough to see it.

Carmilla Con

The con started with me and my friend.  My friend and I started the con by gauging interest from my Tumblr and Twitter following and tried to hype it up. And when we did get some attention, suddenly we were approached by another group and said they were working on one already, but honestly they had nothing done.

A member of that group DM’d my friend saying they were already going to make it.  We were hesitant about working together but I convinced my friend we should work together because the more the merrier.  There was 8 of them and 2 of us… you can guess that we were outnumbered.  

All the things my friend and I worked on suddenly got taken over by that group.  All the things we planned were scrapped.  There was no sense of compromising.  It’s what ever they wanted.  They changed it without consulting anyone.  And when there were decisions to be made, we were outnumbered because the group always sided with the one person who decided to be the leader.  The longer I stayed the longer I felt like shit and useless.  No matter what I did or decided, it’s ignored or denied.  I didn’t even feel part of the team.

As it progressed, I started getting into disagreements with the other members.  2 of them only cared about Wynonna Earp and admitted they rather attend a WE con than a Carmilla con which is why we had to cater to them so they can attend them.  They wanted us to work around their schedule.  I was deeply upset I was working with these type of people.  Who had other priorities.  Who didn’t even LOVE Carmilla as much as I did.  At this point, I’ve been crying everyday with how difficult it was to work with them but struggling with not leaving because I didn’t want the con in the hands of these people.

The last straw came when the “leader” decided to take over the job I’ve been working on.  The only one I felt confident in.  

My friend was a professional logo designer.  I asked her to help design a logo for the convention.  I was willing to pay but she said she’ll do it for free.  She worked tirelessly on it for a month, despite being super busy and came out with a super great design.  I showed the group and they brushed it off.  I thought maybe I’ll ask again down the road.  3 months later, I again say the logo is done but the “leader” said no, it’s not as good as hers.  At this point, she had taken over every single task and had not let us touch anything in regards to this con.  She wouldn’t budge because it was her own design.  They never took me seriously at all to begin with and they were in majority so I never would’ve got any input in anyways.

I asked our group chat and not surprisingly at all, they decided against a professionally done logo in favour of their friend’s.  Not only that, but they started mocking me.  That night led me to my first big anxiety attack in years and I went to therapy the next day. I left shortly after because I couldn’t handle it anymore.  My friend who started with me stayed.  I don’t talk to them anymore because this whole situation still triggers me.  It’s unfortunate because there were still people in that group I wish I had gotten to get to know better because they were nice to me.  It doesn’t help that I’ve met them all before at the Carmilla movie screening and they made me feel left out.  Even worse, they sent an email months later and the “leader” insisted they apologized and was trying to gaslight me but I know I never got one.  

I felt so guilty because my friend did it for free and it took her so long.  She stopped talking to me and unfollowed me.  This is the worst guilt I’ve ever felt that even to this day, I talk about it with my psychiatrist.  I’ve apologized countless times but I’ve never had that resolved and still feel like shit about it.  

I wanted the con to be about the community that loved Carmilla, that shaped who I am today, that I considered home for 5 years.  I wanted everyone to be treated equal and it be affordable.  I wanted everyone to have fun and have a safe space to be themselves.  It turns out, I wasn’t even going to be part of it.  

Now I heard very shady things about the con behind the scenes and how some guests were mistreated but that ain’t my business.  After what I heard, I hope the guests who had issues received what they deserve and karma will get to these organizers.  Seeing and hearing more of the con and how everything is completely changed is just upsetting.

If you support the con, fine.  I’m not angry at you, just disappointed.  It’s all I wanted for the fandom, the cast, and the crew.  You and everyone deserve it.  But I’m not going to support it.  As a matter of fact, it still triggers me hard.  And being on social media, at cons, staying in this fandom is triggering to me everyday.  I have over 1000 people muted and still can’t get away from it.  So if you’ve read this far, don’t EVER talk about this convention with me.  I spent 6 months in therapy JUST to handle Clexacon and I still had an anxiety attack every day and even in front of Natasha who was kind enough to help me calm down.  It hurts to know the people I look up to, my own friends, the people I dedicated 4 years to are supporting the people that bullied me.  And that I wasted so much time planning something I wasn’t even “allowed” to participate in.  Months later and I’m still getting panic attacks over this and at one point, was nearly hospitalized.  I don’t think any of them took the severity of what they put me through seriously and I still don’t think they ever will because they got what they want and won’t receive and backlash or repercussion.

But the biggest thing that hurts the most is Natasha and Elise promoting this.  I love them so much but they both hurt me the most which is the biggest factor of me leaving.

I don’t want to be a party pooper and don’t want to be selfish so I figured I’d just leave because 1 miserable person leaving won’t make difference.  I don’t think anyone really cares about me that much.

SLC1698

Now if you’re wondering why I fucking hate SLC1698, it’s because they betrayed me and stole the idea.  While I left the fandom to recover from all con mess, they decided to make a whole new discord server and took everyone of my members away.  I worked hard to promote the fuck out of my discord server and have a place where Carmilla fans can meet new people and chat.  But no, they took my hard work to get “their” server started out.

That wasn’t even originally their idea.  The idea originated on MY fanfiction channel on my discord server.  The book club idea was started by at least 6 or 7 people.  Some of the people had been on your server for years.  Everyone was tight knit and it was almost like our own little family.  But then someone decided to claim the idea as their own and built a new server in secret without any input from anyone else.  One of the members consulted with there 2 close friends and not the other people who helped make what it was and take over it.  

Even though they say it wasn't supposed to replace my server, they never really acknowledged the revival of my server when I came back.   Which funnily enough, is similar to the con situation.  They completely took over and made something that was supposed to be fun into work.  And that server is completely devoid of fun because of all the demanding rules.  Fanfic is supposed to be fun.  Not a job.

Since all the members joined that new server, everyone left mine and left it dead.  All my friends were gone.  I’ve never felt so fucking alone in this community.  They stole my friends and my community while I was already dealing with the feeling of uselessness from the convention.  I felt like no one even gave a fuck about me and I still feel like that.

To people in either the groups, don’t interact with me.  Fuck off.  And fuck off with your fake kindness and promoting my stuff.  Stay away from my friends and leave us the fuck alone.  I want nothing to do with you or any of you.

Everyone’s so eager to say “community” but it stopped feeling that way for me a long time ago.  This fandom is so tiny I can’t fucking escape the situation and the people who hurt me.  My mental health degraded so much in the last 2 years.  Sucks when the thing you love causes so much pain.  It stopped feeling safe after all the betrayal which lead to anxiety and panic attacks and suicidal thoughts.  I had to be honest with myself and see that this isn’t safe for me anymore even if I love it.

My biggest mistake was making it my obligation to provide stuff and then letting people take advantage of me.  People keep asking for content and videos and I don’t have any so I feel like I let everyone down. I even risk getting kicked out of LFF and security following me around just trying to get a video of the panel. I feel like it’s a job, an obligation and it’s no longer fun. I do it out of the kindness of my own heart AND for free, providing for a community that’s helped me out a lot but now I feel like I’m being used.  I feel so exhausted.  I get anxiety when I don’t “provide” enough content because I don’t want to let people down.  I want to be able to give more but I want to feel happy doing it but I feel so miserable.  I don’t even know what I deserve anymore.

I feel like sometimes I’m the glue that sticks things together and when I’m going through something, everything somehow starts falling apart and right now, it’s happening to my group of friends.  All my friends are leaving the fandom, too so I’m starting to feel lonely.  I want to go out and and meet new people here in Toronto.

Thank you to my friends who have been super patient with me and put up with my mood swings this year.

I want to get better.  I want to move past this.  I want to support Natasha and Elise for as long as I can.  Which is why I need to leave.  It’s gonna be extremely boring and nothing can fill the void that Carmilla left me but I’ll live lmao.  Thanks for everything and everyone who has made this last 5 years enjoyable.  Until next time, I hope to talk to you all again.

I wish I could go back and do this all over again.  I wish I can be 20 again and rediscover it

If you want to stay in touch, I’m on my personal twitter/instagram; girlvillains. If you still want to meet up next month, DM me there.  DO NOT ask me about any of this and trigger me or I’ll block you.  Respect my boundaries about this situation if you talk to me.

If you read all this, thank you.  Thanks for letting me be this dramatic for years lmao.

[luxury-loki]

Infinity War chat: Part 1

The time has come.

I’m sorry this is so long, please don’t unfollow, just scroll past and pretend it doesn't exist if you don't wanna read it lol.

Let’s talk about it. 

I thought it was truly incredible. Never left a cinema feeling the way I did after that film. So many emotions all in one go and I can't even begin to explain it properly but I'll try anyway.

PLEASE READ:

I reckon I'll sort each part by theme, one part going up each day. I think there will be 2 parts:

character developments

Storylines/plot events

Part one: Characters

I won't be going over all of them, just the few who really touched me. I may cover some important character development in part 2 tomorrow when I discuss story lines.

Loki

“You will never be a god.”

I know this is the one you're probably most interested in as he is the main focus of my blog so I'll start here.

I expected it. I had time to prepare myself and so although it was extremely sad, and obviously I am heartbroken at the loss of my favourite character, I did see his death coming, which I am extremely glad about. When writing this post I have seen the film twice, and I cried more at his death the second time because I think the first time I had less of a chance to fully process it for how mental the rest of the film was. 

I am so unbelievably pleased and relieved that he had a hero's death. He died trying to kill Thanos in order to protect his brother which is so incredible, and I loved the call back to the line “we have a hulk” which Stark uses on him in the first Avengers film. The fact he refers to himself as son of odin, and looks at Thor as he says it was truly incredible, it was showing his character has completed his character arc, accepting that he is both the rightful heir of Jotunheim and the prince of Asgard, he doesn't need to belong to just one place. His last line “you’ll never be a god” was also extremely touching, showing he always felt immense pride in being raised as a prince on Asgard, and being raised to be a ‘god’. 

Thor’s last moment with him, when he hugs his body and just cries out Loki’s name BROKE me. Such an incredibly touching moment.

I do truly believe he is dead, and I am inclined to agree with Thanos, “no resurrections this time”. He was an incredible character, and I do look forward to seeing him in the time jumps/flashbacks in avengers 4.

RIP Loki, you will be missed.

Thor

“What more could I lose?” 

I can't not talk about Thor. He stole the show. Both the character and Hemsworth.

Chris did and INCREDIBLE job at portraying this broken Thor that we have never seen before. The God of Thunder was completely stripped of everything he loved from the very beginning. Having just lost his father, and before that his mother, he had lost the life of half the Asgardians who he now ruled, and worst of all, had lost his brother. His brother who died infront of him, attempting to save his life, whilst he was completely helpless. His brother whom he’d grown up with, fought against, fought with, lost before, and now lost again.

It is very clear that vengeance, and pure hatred over Thanos has overtaken Thor. He no longer cares what happens, as long as he can defeat Thanos. He has completely given up, most likely believing that everything he’ll ever love will be brutally taken away from him as all else in his life has, meaning he no longer has anything stopping him from doing whatever he can to end Thanos’ his life. He takes this adventure to craft his new weapon, and then makes the most incredible entrance to a scene you’ll ever see. 

Even amongst all the hurt and pain he is drowning in, he still makes room for some light hearted, if slightly sad, humour. Commenting on family difficulties and the incredible line to Cap: “I see you’re copying me with the beard!” as just a few examples.

Thor is very much, for now, a Lone Ranger. although he has The Avengers, it’s very clear that at the moment he is feeling like the weight of he world rests on his shoulders alone, and I think it is a lot for him to handle. I hope he uses his anger and grief positively in the next film too, and I can’t wait to find out what he will do next. Thor’s entire character arc across all the films is so unbelievably impressive, and if we have to see him die, I will definitely be extremely upset. 

I reckon lots of people will leave Infinity war with a huge increase of love for this character, he has really proven himself as one of the strongest, most caring, and bravest Avengers yet. We started with Thor as this egotistical, over-emotional warrior, who was too childish to truly understand the effects of his actions, but we stand here now with a character who was able to look Gamora in the eye, the daughter of a guy who had murdered his brother, and forgive her. Now that is character development.

Banner

“Oh screw you, you big green asshole! I’ll have to do It myself.”

Anyone who knows me IRL will know I am a huge Mark Ruffalo stan. He is both an amazing person and a talented actor, and I was SO HAPPY to see Banner shine through in this film. Not Hulk, Banner.

This whole concept of Hulk being around for two years meant he’s learnt a few tricks, and when he doesn't want to come out, he won't. This gave Banner the perfect platform to prove himself. He showed he was strong, and brave without the hulk. He stepped forward to try and help even if it was scaring, going into battle as himself for the first time must have taken a lot of guts and I am SO proud of him. I am so glad after all these years Ruffalo has finally been able to show what this shy, adorable, strong, and intelligent scientist is really made of.

I really hope his character in Infinity War will make more people appreciate Bruce Banner in his own right, not just as Hulk. He is often overlooked I feel, but personally is one of my favourite MCU characters, and has given us some of the most touching moments across the MCU such as: his relationship with Natasha, his new friendship with Thor, and the sad secret he keeps about once trying to kill himself.

GO BANNER! You are truly an adorable gem, and I want to see more of him over coming his anxieties in the next film, and definitely more of his relationship with Nat.

I think over all the impressive thing is that Hulk wouldn’t come out because he was scared. He had been beaten up by Thanos once and no longer wanted to face him. This is completely different in Banner. Banner saw his friends being beaten and saw the danger that was coming, and instead of shying away, he stood up to it and fought with all he could give. He isn’t necessarily physically strong, but I’ll be damned if he isn’t one of the toughest emotionally.

Star Lord and Gamora

“I love you more than anything.”

These two come as a pair, and what we learnt about their relationship, and how it came to an end, was so unbelievably touching and incredibly heart breaking.

The moment they share when Gamora persuades Quill to promise to kill her was so sad. You would only ever ask that of someone you truly love, someone you know who will always do whatever they can to support you, someone who truly loves you. Their relationship has been well built, and constructed, and I felt was one I truly had gone the journey with, from start to end. When the two say they love each other I shed a tear, I had no clue that it would be the last time they spoke, and it still made me cry.

Thanos pushed Quill. He pushed him and pushed him until he broke and pulled the trigger on Gamora. Although it did not kill her due to reality tricks, the mental effect that would have on a person is astonishing, and Quill has already gone through so much. The anger he oozes when he discovers her death too is so raw and emotional, ruining the plan he had so carefully constructed from pure rage over the loss of his soul mate was torturing to watch. 

Gamora’s backstory was very sad too, discovering how she was manipulated as a child was disgusting, and to have her life ended by the one who had ruined her childhood filled me with such rage. I never thought marvel would kill her off as she was so strong and brave in the other films, but we saw a far more emotional version of her here, especially when she cried over Thanos when she first thought she’d murdered him. Showing she still felt compassion for this being who had utterly destroyed her life, made me feel so much sympathy for Gamora, and I will miss her strong female presence immensely. RIP G x

Vision and Wanda 

“I just feel you.”

I can't even think about these two without wanting to cry. Their whole relationship was squeezed into this film, yet felt like one I had been following for years. The love they feel for one another is immensely clear, and the connection they both have over the mind stone makes their bond even stronger. 

The fact Wanda had to murder Vision in the desperate hope of stopping Thanos, only to have time reversed to witness him die again but with no positives was agonising. Both Bettany and Olsen acted beautifully, conveying the pain each was feeling so well that it practically oozed out of the screen. That last moment before his death when Visions tells her he loves her had me sobbing, and I think “I just feel you” will go down as one of the most meaningful lines in MCU history.

I have such a new love for these two characters which previously I had not cared for all that much. Their relationship is definitely one of, if not the favourite, of mine in the whole MCU, and if they both don’t return in Avengers 4, catch me throwing myself off a bridge shortly after.

Thanos and The Black Order (last one)

Rest of this has been a bit emotional hasn't it Jesus. I’ll end on a less sad one.

“Perfectly balanced, as all things should be.”

Thanos was an INCREDIBLE villain. This whole concept of him being so horrifically evil, yet also truly believing what he was doing was good, made his character so complex. He believed he was saving half of humanity which was doomed to otherwise fall. We can probably safely assume he is wrong, and that there are other ways to accomplish this, but deciding if his intentions are truly bad or good is difficult. When we see him crying for Gamora it is extremely unsettling. This mad titan, who has done so much to make us hate him and feel no sympathy for, now stands before us, weeping for someone he loves, just like many characters before him have done. He is so tough, yet also clearly so broken and desperate. I do hate hm, I truly do, but I am seriously impressed by the level of complexity his character has developed in just a single film.

“Rejoice, for you are about to die at the hands of the children of Thanos.”

E B O N Y  M A W. Only gonna talk about him from TBO cus this post is proper long and he’s the only one who really jumped out at me.

I won't lie, I am kind of sad he died! He was so chilling, and not to mention extremely powerful. This whole concept of believing it was a blessing to die for Thanos, and his speech in many scenes, including on the New York street, on the Asgardian’s ship, and on Gamora’s planet gave such a dark atmosphere to the scenes, and really emphasised Thanos’ powerful character. The Russo Brothers stated he would be a fan favourite in an interview and I completely agree. A truly chilling character.

Thanks for reading! if you made it to the end come back tomorrow at 5pm for part 2 and make sure to comment and like x

Thanks,

Lara x