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villystinka · 8 months

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self-reflect

this is not a rant

So I'm going to try to reflect on the lowest period of my life - end of 2019 to spring 2022.

The only way I can remember it is with what phases I went through like for example October and November 2019 I was obsessed with Avril Lavigne, December I was obsessed with Star Wars... I felt really down but don't really remember why. I'm pretty sure it was seasonal depression though

We going into 2020... God. First two months I was still obsessed with Star Wars and then Shameless but then quarantine started in march. I was 14 btw. Anyways .. I was living with my dad at our cottage which is in the countryside since in our apartment there wasn't enough space for me and my brother to study online. I had my own room at the cottage so it was perfect and I felt really free. I was obsessed with Harry Potter and 5sos and whatnot OHHH and Doja cat. Summer 2020 I went to the national round of the English Olympiad in my country and it was kind of exciting except there was covid and we didn't go to another town ... But it was okay. I think that was the last major competition I ever went to, I just didn't have the energy since then. Also summer 2020 I started anime LMAO. My first ever anime was orange❤️❤️❤️ it still has a special place in my heart and I watched it one night and it was 5th of July idk why I remember it. Anyways I had a very major phase with black clover and that's what I connect summer 2020 with. Except that I was almost every day third-wheeling but still going outside because I just couldn't say no to my friend (she's toxic btw and we're not friends anymore) when she called me to go outside with her fucking boyfriend. Keep in mind she was 14 and her bf was 20 at the time... We not gonna talk about that lol it's not my life anyway but she was Hella groomed and she had nothing against it, she was actively encouraging this kind of age gap in relationships .... Its not like she was suffering. Anyways. We going into September 2020. What I connect it to is my big phase with Naruto and then I watched fullmetal alchemist and then november-ish I watched death note but like in September we started school right and the separation between me and my friends started to feel real, although I kept contact w them throughout spring and summer 2020. Then we went back online in October-ish if I remember correctly. That's when it really started to feel bad but not really. That's actually when I downloaded discord and the reason was that when I was reading fanfics on wattpad I saw one of the authors I followed link to their discord server and I was like ok I'll join it! Met some ppl there but I'm not talking to them anymore but I was addicted to mudae 💀. Winter 2020 I connect to meeting a certain individual called David (he was 23 at the time and I was 15) and I fell in love with him but then I was ranting about it to my online friends in that server and they were like girl you're not normal HES 23. that's when I realized that age gap wasn't normal. Yeah anyways.... I also connect winter 2020 with haikyuu and Yuri on ice.

We going into 2021.. worst year fr. Started off with my jojo phase, and then MY AOT PHASE. I swear if I hadn't watched aot so many things wouldn't have happened. I joined a certain server and met so many of my current online friends and we've been friends for almost two years. They helped me ALOT throughout this period! Honestly I started drift off my irl friends and NOT because of my online ones but because of another reason.

Guess I should explain my whole relationship w my friends, that's exactly why I wanted to do this self reflect thing. Now that I'm doing better I can do a whole summary and look at it more objectively. They all already had build a lot more connection among themselves than I did with them even before I met my online friends. They were texting me at some point asking why I'm not texting them but they always made me feel like I was OBLIGED to do it and made themselves the victims and not actually considering the event in which MAYBE I'm not feeling well. Actually I'm still baffled whether I felt bad or not. I feel like the only thing keeping me alive was consuming media just to feel something. While sometimes I was feeling great there was always something missing you know? I knew I was isolating myself from everyone but I was rarely feeling bad about it until one point when I started feeling lonely. Before I didn't feel that way... Until like start of 2021 I didn't feel lonely at all. I felt almost free tbh. I felt like there wasn't school and I was in my own bubble "paradise" in which I was reading, drawing, watching shows, movies, anime etc. Man idk anymore. Then I met my online friends and I was sometimes talking to my irl friends about online ones and that was such a big mistake. It turned to the point when my friends would insult those people even without knowing them, just because they felt replaced or something??? You werent there, Emily. I'm quoting her: "If you keep talking to them, you're gonna lose all your REAL friends"

Yes I'm still holding a grudge about that. She wasn't there for me not even once and you expect me not to find a way to fill the void?? And when this solution worked for me at the time? I didn't have to look good to be friends with them. My past didn't matter, my anxiety didn't matter. We bonded over games, memes, shows, anime like??? Exactly what my existence was all about, the consumed media that we had in common was what bonded us, and we were doing fun things, like karaoke nights, dubbing over anime scenes, sharing funny stories from our lives, learning about each other and the fact that we were (are) living in different countries and could talk different languages was interesting. I learned a lot about different cultures/religions, I even fasted during Ramadan 😮. Anyways. One of my friends always said this:

Translation: "I'm surprised that you've ever went outside and not being on discord 🙃"

"I'm even more surprised you opened that message instead of being on discord 🙃"

Out of every possible way to approach this situation, in his place I would never say this. By the age of 15 aren't you supposed to be able to feel sympathy? Not even empathy, sympathy. Someone could've asked if something is going on and I would respond normally and I wouldn't feel so bad but this is not encouraging in ANY WAY, like no this is not encouraging me to go outside and hang out with you???? What were you trying to achieve??? And if I bring up this this to the person rn he wouldn't even feel bad. Explain to me how this is right lmao I'm not going crazy right??? He's wrong right???? I'm not all bad right????

Because that's exactly how I felt, I felt like it was all my fault. I didn't even vent to anyone irl, I realized I shouldn't burden anyone with my own problems (family) but exactly cz they didn't know anything they were assuming I just did that on my own whim, because I felt like it. No? But no one really asked what happened. That's why you don't know 🤦🤦 and now it's too late, I don't need comfort now. The real reason I felt so bad was my own thoughts, my own brain. If someone had told me that the battle within myself should be won by ME and me only, if no one could actually help, it would've kind of been different. If actually realized it.

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fluffyprettykitty · 2 years

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Middle

Pairing: Joaquin Torres x gn! reader (no other specifications)

Word Count: 1000 words

Outline: Joaquin has a surprise for you. One you truly didn't expect.

Warnings: a lil' swearing.

Author’s Note: Rumor has it local author is obsessed with half-birthdays. :)

P.S: dividers by @firefly-graphics // banners by @maysdigitalarts

Main Masterlist ・❥・Joaquin Torres Masterlist

‘Hey, I got a surprise for you. Can't wait for tonight.’

You read your boyfriend's Joaquin text again and again throughout the day, getting all sorts of thoughts in your head during the day. And once your shift is over you fly like the wind back home. Of course, that wasn't easy one bus derailed and the other was delayed. One million things went through your head but Joaquin kept telling you it was alright and no need for stress things happen. Ever since you and Joaquin had met you were constantly texting.

Joaquin and you met five months ago. Some twenty-odd days after your birthday which you had unfortunately passed on your own due to unforeseen circumstances. You had recited that story to Joaquin one night at a bar a couple of weeks ago and so he had made plans in his mind. To make sure you'd be celebrated on your half birthday. You deserved to be celebrated. That was clear. He started counting the days and quickly realized your half birthday would be coming up soon, a concept he was very familiar with from his childhood days.

Joaquin was in the military, and his job didn't allow him too much time off but thankfully you lived closed approximately to his base so it was good the timing was perfect. He often stayed at your place while you were working to fix your food or help you with some chores since he was kind and doting like that and he liked that chance of a different pace of life.

So he had made plans. Simple plans really. To treat you to a homemade dinner with wine, and to give you a gift. Nothing extravagant, but thoroughly intimate and loving. And invite your closest friends over afterward. It was Saturday afternoon after all and everyone was available.

When you got home you were greeted by him wearing black pressed jeans and a white t-shirt. The warmth of his smile and his endearing nature always changed your mood instantly. He had a golden chain buried inside his chest as he usually did.

"I made you dinner just for us two."

"Thank you very much, you know you didn't have to, we can always order pizza, I don't mind." You say placing your coat and bag at their designated place and locking the door behind you.

"Hm, but I couldn’t because you see." You walk further inside the tiny apartment to look at the balloon-adorned living room complete with birthday decorations. Confused you turn to look at him. There’s no way you had forgotten his birthday, was there?

"Is it your birthday, oh my god I'm sorry, did I forget?"

"No, no, Carino, is yours."

"What?"

"I couldn't wait till then, till the winter, you know I'm leaving on a tour soon and I have no idea when I will be back. It could potentially be after that and I-” He shrugs his shoulders and takes a deep breath, momentarily wondering if you’d hate surprises.

"See, I invited your closest friends and I hope I invited the right people and I wanted to tell you first in case you didn't like surprises or you know don't like one of your friends or something."

You look at him as he speaks, noticing how both nervous and confident he seems to be, swoon at his words and laugh.

“I am sure you have invited the right people. I don’t know that much anyway.” You continue laughing walking closer to him. “And I can’t believe you would do such a sweet thing for me. This incredible. Truly incredible. I am almost speechless.”

“Very please to hear that, mi princessa.” He breathes a sigh of relief and shakes his head. “I was worried a little.”

“You had me worried a little as well.”

“Guess that makes two of us.” You both chuckle and then connect your lips as a thank you and a greeting altogether.

“Fuck, it smells so good.” You sniff the air the minute you disconnect from his lips, the warm smell filling the room.

"Yeah we should get to it before is too late. I had the food reheated unfortunately I couldn’t time things perfectly." You take his hand in yours and smile at him.

"Don’t you worry about that all, I’m sure it’s great and yeah, I'm starving like a wolf."

The dinner was incredible. He had even made his very own bread. He always loved paying attention to details like that. Served it drenched in olive oil and tomato slices with oregano on top. He had made it all, entrees, main course but the dessert was reserved for the party. He had a beautiful chocolate cake in the fridge, had made half of it, as he told you, and didn’t want to jinx himself by screwing up the basic thing for one party.

Joaquin ended the dinner by handing you the gift. A beautiful silver cherished trinket of an airplane so it would always remind you of him. Joaquin placed it in the palm of your hand and closed it, kissing you delicately. He held your hand and made promises for even better days from now on.

Pleased that everything now had gone according to plan, you begin to collect the plates but Joaquin stops you. Your friends would be arriving soon so off you went to take a shower and get ready. In less than thirty minutes you were almost ready and that’s when your friends started arriving. Thankfully your friends helped you with your dressing choice and the party was on the go. They even got you small gifts themselves. So far this was meant to be one of your favorite birthday celebrations ever.

The party was beautiful, you danced the night away with your friends and boyfriend and thought how lucky you were to meet that man at the bus station that fateful morning.

And many more fateful mornings and nights were to come.

And you couldn’t wait.

If you want to be notified about my future stories please follow my library blog @fluffyprettykittylibrary and turn on notifications!

#joaquin torres #joaquin torres x reader #joaquin torres x you #joaquin torres fic #joaquin torres fluff #joaquin torres x y/n #joaquin torres imagine #joaquín torres x reader #joaquín torres fic #joaquín torres x you #joaquín torres #joaquín torres x y/n #joaquín torres fluff #danny ramirez x reader #danny ramirez #selenewrites

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peachiswritingg · 2 years

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Misplaced Temporarily

Summary: Spencer's scarf seems to be always missing and you always seem to have the same one. It's not long before someone notices, especially in a room of profilers.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x BAUAgent!Reader

Tags: fluff // secret relationship trope // drabble

Warnings: none!

Author’s Note: been on a cm rewatch! I missed the characters and this fic has been in my drafts for a while. Happy Reading <33

Words: 679

"I know it's very early in the morning but do you really need that much sugar?" Prentiss looked at Reid questioning his choice of coffee toppings. She heard that Reid had a sweet tooth but didn't know he would pour sugar for more than 5 seconds.

"Tell me about it. I once put 2 packets of sugar and creamer and found that too sweet." You interjected their banter. You yourself are puzzled with how Reid can take that much sugar even though you spend so much time with him. Besides, you are much more of a savoury person. I guess the both of you balance each other out. You do know why he is putting more sugar than usual though.

"Something about this case kept gnawing on me, like I feel that I'm close." Spencer yawns and rubs his tired eyes.

"I told you you should have gotten more sleep." You commented.

"Oh and hey, Groovy scarf Reid. " Emily finished making her cup of coffee and headed to her cubicle.

"I didn't even notice until she pointed it out." You giggled.

"Ahh, I accidentally took one of your scarves."

"I think it looks good on you." Spencer smiles hearing your compliment and gives you a quick kiss on the cheek.

"Save that for later, Dr. Reid." You teased.

...

"Y/N, honey, have you seen my scarf? It's the only scarf I have and I always mix it with your pile of scarves." Spencer entered the office where you were alone finishing some papers.

"You mean, this?" You look up to your partner and brandished the soft fabric that is wrapped around your neck. Today, the team had a new case and the state was a chilly one. You had your own scarves back home but forgot to pack them in your bag so you resorted to snatching Reid's. It was a calming purple tone that reminded you of lavender and even smelled like him. You couldn't resist not wearing it.

"Yes, that. Gimme, please?" He idly reached out to you.

"But it goes nice with my outfit." You insisted

"Fine. You do look good-"

Penelope walks into the room to get information from you, "Hey, you two. The rest are already grabbing their go-bags." You instinctively passed a file to Garcia but her eyes are studying Reid's hand - it was comfortably laying on your shoulder. You didn't even realize his hand was there until you felt her stare. Spencer quickly put his hand away and mumbles, "Meet you on the jet."

"What is up with him?"

"Haha, you know Reid." you tried to laugh it off with a bullshit excuse.

"Sure, sure. Nice scarf, Y/L/N. It looks familiar, where did you get it?"

"A thrift shop." You smile fondly basking in Spencer's smell.

...

"I swear to god, I left my scarf right here," Spencer mutters to himself. This has been happening more often than not and there was only one person in mind that would do this. He doesn't know why you do it but he finds it endearing that you liked to use his scarf. However, he was getting cold and it was his only scarf. It's worth it anyways to see you all dressed up in his clothes.

"What was that, kid?" Morgan picks up on Reid's muttering.

"Oh, it's nothing-"

"You lost your scarf again? Don't you only have one?"

"How do you know I only have one? For all you know, I might have multiple scarves of the same colour."

"I find that hard to believe."

"Guys, Hotch is asking for us to round up." You interrupted the conversation and Spencer followed your order to be in your presence. The two of you walk towards Hotch and the rest of the team whilst talking and laughing. Morgan can clearly notice how compatible you two were and then he notices the scarf on your neck that Reid is tugging on.

"So, Y/L/N seems to have a new favourite scarf." Penelope quips as she stands beside Morgan.

"And a favourite person," Morgan smirks knowingly.

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[ I would appreciate it if you left feedback in the comments or my ask box!

Thank you for reading <33 ]

#dr spencer reid #spencer reid #criminal minds fluff #criminalminds #jj criminal minds #criminal minds #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fanfiction #penelopoe garcia #emily prentiss #peachy writes

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nakachuchu · 3 years

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1:27 AM | Officer! Itadori Yuuji (nsfw)

SYNOPSIS: Modern AU - Officer Yuuji arrested you straight out of a robbery, but you claim you're innocent.

READER: criminal! female

INCLUDES: femdom, manipulation, corruption kink, riding, interrogation room sex, seduction, praise kink, unprotected sex, creampie, mentions of breeding

WORDS: 1023

WRITTEN: 05/11/2021

NOTES: Thank you for requesting from my time event! This isn't as femdom as I usually write, but I still hope you enjoyed it :)

"Officer Yuuji, I swear I didn't mean to," you said with a small pout. "My boyfriend made me. Ex now, I guess." You paused to sniffle. "He threatened to kill me if I didn't help with the robbery."

The truth was, you went into the robbery planning it out. It was true, you weren’t meant to be left behind but your boyfriend knew your pretty face would be able to sway the authorities. It had worked in the past, after all.

You made a mental note to break up with him. If he wasn't such an idiot, neither of you would have gotten caught in the first place.

Yuuji nodded, writing down everything you were saying. Although, his eyes seemed to flicker to your lips a bit more than he should have been.

"It's alright, Miss. We'll catch him and put him behind bars."

You rubbed your eyes with the back of your hand before reaching forward to cup his hands, shocking him.

"Thank you, Officer! Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Oh, no—"

"Are you sure?"

Your arms pressed your breasts together, spilling them over your low-cut dress. Yuuji gulped, obviously eyeing them.

Your dress barely hid anything. It was one reason why Yuuji believed you. After all, who the hell would rob a bank in a pretty, revealing dress that barely offered any movement?

"I realize it's late, but I'd do anything for you. That's how much I appreciate what you're doing for me," you said.

"W-Well, I-I don't know if we—we should—"

You smiled, glancing at the clock that read 1:27 AM. You got up from the chair and walked around the metal table to pull his chair back and sit in his lap.

"Are you sure, Officer?"

Your breasts were pressed up against his chest, arms laced around the back of his neck while you fluttered your eyelashes at him.

"W-Well, if—if you're offering..."

You leaned in, pressing your nose against his jawline as your nimble fingers unbutton his uniform.

There was just something about you that made him unable to say no. It was past midnight anyway and all the other officers were sitting around, doing nothing as usual.

The interrogation room was a simple room with a table and chairs in it. There was no recording system or two-way mirror. There was a camera in the corner of the room, but Yuuji could just delete that clip—after saving the footage to a private hard-drive, of course.

Your hands roamed his chest, purring soft compliments at how toned and hard he was. It was so simple, but your praises made his cock hard.

Sure, you had played the victim, but a little fun never hurt anybody. Besides, he was a good-looking man that made your stomach twist and turn in anticipation.

Your hand brushed against the bulge of his cock through his pants that had gotten too tight for him. His thighs clenched as you unzipped his fly and slipped your hand into his briefs, pulling his cock out.

"Oh, you're big," you cooed.

His cheeks turned pink, cock throbbing in your hand at your sudden praise. You chuckled and nipped at his jawline.

"God, I want you inside me," you groaned.

He was thick and you could see the veins on his cock. Your mouth was practically watering as you pulled your panties to the side.

You slipped your fingers between your slits, drawing cum from your cunt to run onto Yuuji's cock.

"Oh, my God," he whimpered, eyes glued to your cum smothered on his cock.

His brain and eyes barely registered you hovering above his cock and sitting down. Your dress was bunched up around your hips, allowing you to move better.

You threw your head back, a soft whimper escaping your lips at the feeling of his fat cock stretching you out and prodding at your cervix.

"Oh, my God," he whispered, closing his eyes with pleasure. "F-Fuck, you're so good—so hot."

"What, me or my pretty pussy?" you questioned, a weak smirk on your face as you moved your hips around.

"G-God, y-you—Fuck, all of you," he groaned.

You chuckled and gripped his chin with one hand while your other hand propped yourself up on his knee.

"Good boy," you praised. "Now, let's feel real good, okay?"

You bounced on his lap, making squelching sounds each time you sat back down. His hands gripped your hips, and you were glad you enjoyed pain because Officer Yuuji was a strong man and you knew your hips would be bruised tomorrow.

At this point, you didn't have to move at all. Yuuji, in his haste, was bouncing you onto his cock. You didn't mind being manhandled though. His cock was fat and each time you came down, your clit rubbed against his pelvis.

Your hands reached out to grip his shoulders. Your hair was jostling around, stray strands sticking to your sweaty forehead. Your hand traveled down, fingers rubbing against your clit.

“That's right,” you breathed out. “Fuck, you're so big.”

He groaned. “D-Don't say that. I'll—I'll cum. F-Fuck, ‘m close.”

You smiled. “Yeah, you wanna cum?”

Was that even a question? Your hot cunt wasn’t even comparable to the pocket pussy he had stashed away in his nightstand.

“Fuck yeah, I wanna cum. Wh-Where should I—”

“Inside. Right inside, Officer,” you panted.

Hell, if Yuuji was this gullible, you'd be able to get away with a lot more crimes. If you had his baby, there was no way he'd want to let you go.

All logic went away as his cum spurt out, filling you up. You moaned, mouth parted at the filling of being stuffed with his cum while his cock remained still and throbbed inside you.

“That's right. Wanna have your babies,” you muttered. “You'd be such a good dad, Officer.”

His eyes were screwed shut, barely registering what you said and what the meaning of those words really meant. All he really understood was that he'd be able to fuck you in the future if you stayed in his life.

“Now about the money you found me with…”

#jujutsu kaisen x reader #itadori yuuji x reader #itadori yuji x reader

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hanniesdegree · 3 years

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By the River | JJK

photo from bangtanger

pairing: jungkook x gender-neutral reader

prompt: you surprise jungkook with a picnic on your day off

genre: fluff, slice of life

warnings: n/a

word count: 860

author's note: This is gonna be part of a drabble series where it's all picnics with bts!

You see him with a growing smile when he notices you by the front lobby.

"Hey," you greet with a small wave. He, however, runs up to you and lifts you off your feet, spinning you in circles.

It's been a while since you've last seen him. Your schedules have been keeping you apart. But both of you have a free day today, and you had to do something out of it.

"Are we going somewhere?" He asks.

"I guess we'll see?"

You escort him out of the building and immediately head out to walk. It was a couple of minutes to the neighbourhood park. You lead him to a slightly secluded area, where a blanket and a picnic basket laid on the ground.

It wasn't anything extraordinary, really. You picked a nice flat spot overlooking the river, but it wasn't like you can plan a vacation. It's fine, you figured both of you needed some time to pause anyway.

Jungkook looks excited. Once he saw what you've prepared, he ran towards the spot, leaving you behind. He looks back at you, seemingly in disbelief, communicating 'you prepared all these?'.

You smile at his reaction and nod.

He takes a big inhale of the sharp summer air and he settles himself on the ground. He pats on the spot next to him, urging you to sit by his side.

He makes sure both of you are comfortable, then asks, "So what's going on? I thought we won't have a free day together for the next 3 weeks."

"Yeah, but a month ago I got a note saying my appointment today was canceled." You explain. "It just so happened that it was the same day as your rest day, so I wanted to surprise you."

"This is so nice, jagiya. Work has been exhausting and I've been wanting to see you for so long! I've missed you"

"Aw, I mis-"

"Hold on!" He cuts you abruptly, fishing for something in his pockets. "Before I forget, please accept this."

He hands you a small hand-wrapped gift with that smile. Like he knows to something. You eye him suspiciously even before opening the present. Then it hits you.

"Oh my god, I don't believe this," you slowly say, shaking your head. Jungkook looks worried. Oh no. Do you not like it?

Before he is able to respond, you almost shout,

"Yah! Jeon Jungkook! Have you been looking through my phone? This was supposed to be a surprise! How else did you know about my plans for today?"

You were clearly annoyed. He even had the nerve to ask you what brought this on, but he knew all along? You felt betrayed.

But he bursts out laughing. His shoulders are shaking and his eyes are crinkling. Any sort of annoyance melts away. You are obstinate, though. You breathe in deeply to keep your facade in place.

"Would you believe me if I say I didn't?" He notes.

You don't answer.

"But jagiya, I swear I didn't. I was eating my morning cereal one day and your phone was on the counter. It rang suddenly so I thought I should tell you. But I picked it up and saw the reminder for this day."

He pulls you in close to him and rests his head on your shoulder. He knows you're being dramatic, but he plays with the act and retaliates with soft affection.

"I don't like you right now," you pout, dragging your words as you lean your entire weight on him. "I really wanted to surprise you, you know."

"Couldn't you just have pretended to not know?"

"I thought of that, yes. But I also thought you were working hard too, so I wanted to give you something. You already do so much for me, and I wanted to let you know that I really really appreciate it."

His voice gets softer and softer with that confession, and something bubbles inside your stomach that you could not explain. It's these types of moments that make you think you want to do so much more for him.

So you give. And he gives. And you wonder what you did in your past life that led you to him.

He pokes you suddenly, bringing you back to reality. You were too stunned to reply. He laughs at you.

"Now, come on! Let's eat before these get cold." He opens up the basket and slowly lays down all the food on the blanket.

"They're already cold, I made them this morning."

"Really? I'm so excited!" His eyes grow big. You rarely cook lately; you haven't had the time. But today you went all out and prepared all his favorites. There was chicken, seafood, cheese, bread, and snacks. Lots and lots of snacks.

You continue your little escapade like this. He tells you random things from work and his new hobbies. When he gets excited about something specific, he becomes more animated in how he expresses his thoughts.

Jungkook would stand up and his arms would flail and his face would scrunch the entire time. And you laugh to tears every time.

How mischievous, you think. And you wouldn't have it any other way.

[fin]

part of the picnics with bts collection.

read picnic with namjoon

[masterlist]

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jay-and-dean · 3 years

Note

Hey J! I would love to hear your opinion on something. You write Dean so well that I feel pretty confident to ask you. (I mean you must know something about his way of thinking,his way of behave..I can proudly say that you have a master in Dean's psychology ok?🤣) I wanted to ask you,apart from the Destiel situation(this is another conversation) in your opinion,why the authors never gave him a real love story? They tried with Lisa..it just didn't work, they had 0 chemistry in my opinion. Cassie otherwise, was really interesting and I would even liked Jo, but the writers just decided against it. Probably they never gave the brothers a true relationship because it wasn't the main focus of the show and the fandom maybe wouldn't have liked it. Anyway I was just thinking that in 15years we have never actually seen Dean's romantic side and given the complexity of his character, it still feels like a whole part of him is missing,a piece of him that we never really got to see. What do you think about it? How would you have handled his love life? Do you think that is better that he never had a real one?

Hey Anon !

First of all, thank you so much for trusting me and for your kind words.

It's actually fun that you say I have a Master in Dean's psychology (I'm actually a professional Irl).

Now regarding Dean, all I can do is give you my personal opinion. But since you asked for it, here it is (sorry it will be a little long) :

I. Supernatural

First of all, I will talk about the general theme of the TV show. Most say, including the writers themselves, that Supernatural is about family. This alone, I guess, could explain the focus on the family relationships than love, in the romantic sense of the word.

II. Quests

But, this is not all. For me, Supernatural is an initiation story. And in that way, the focus is put on the theme of redemption.

II. 1 Sam

The redemption of Sam, who is the "gifted", like a lot of other characters in literature, the one who is too gifted to fit in, the one for whom it is a curse (Being good at school, highly sensitive, that prevents him for fitting in his own family codes, then the gift of boyking Sam, the "mark" of Demon blood and the "link" to the big Bad, very like a Harry Potter figure). His own quest will be to overcome the idea that he is unclean and finally use his gifts to define who he is and not just to fit in (In that he is really close to the journey of high IQ kids in real life). Sam's quest is personal, and as long as he can't "fit" with himself, how could he with a partner ?

II. 2 Dean

Dean... Dean has the exact opposite quest. Dean is the kid that forgot himself to fit in (in psychology, we call them the sacrificed child). He is the one who wasn't given an individuality, and therefore, no true free will. Supernatural really explores this theme until the ultimate quest, against God himself. You can note that the only relationship showed in the Supernatural was, once again a "prescript" which he can't invest exactly because it is. Dean's quest is individuality and freedom. In that way, it seems pretty logical that can't link himself to yet somebody else, as long as he didn't "kill" the father figure that is keeping him a slave of their will.

III. Sacrifice

Now, something else, in my opinion is standing between Dean and a serious love interest : Dean Winchester is a sacrificial figure. He seems himself like an appendix to his brother's story, he is expendable. So in his mind, I think, he doesn't even occurs to be the architect of his own fulfillment.

IV. His girls

I agree that Lisa and Dean had not an extraordinary chemistry, and, for me, it serves the story just perfectly. Lisa is barely a person, she is an idea, an ideal. Lisa represents "apple pie" life itself. She represent what the show sells us as a goal, a perfection when it is obviously like trying to make a fish live in a tree. Dean needed this prerequisite to continue his initiation. Dean leaving her is him closing the door on a fantasy that was holding him back since childhood, because he is the one who lost it.

Jo happens in the beginning of the show and, for me again, she couldn't work. She lives in the steps of her own mother and is not the "free" alterity Dean needs to grow.

Now okay but which girl could help Dean in his quest ?

In my opinion, someone who is "free" from his own prison. Someone stranger to the issues Dean struggles with, that open his view and gives him individuality (Cassie was a good try, but way too early in his journey).

V. This side of Dean

I agree. Dean is complex, and I could talk about him for hours (if you read until this point, you know... and bravo) and getting to see this side of him would have been great. Just because we love him so much that we want to experience everything of him.

I explore this in my fics with the greatest pleasure, and I could write about Dean falling in love all my life.

Dean's personality includes radical contrasts : The highest sense of responsibility, alternated with moments when he shelters himself in childhood for example. So I'm pretty sure that for a true love to occur, the woman (or man, gender really doesn't matter) would have to be able to reach those both sides of him. I see them sitting with cross legs eating candies in front of Scooby Doo.

Cockiness and insecurity is another contrast. Leadership and habit of submission to authority (I'm talking of the sexual way this time). Sensible vs rational. Adventurous but home-loving warrior that loves comfort...

Dean romantic side would be so complex. And after a very long answer no one asked for, I'm going to have to answer the most annoying thing : If you want to know how I picture Dean in a romantic relationship, mix my fics. That is literally what I dedicated my blog to exploring.

The individuation from his father's plan in Love me once, shame on me.

His quest of the stranger in Captive.

His struggle with apple pie life in Knocked-up.

His fight for free will in Greater Good.

The deconstruction of his culture in Rescue you...

God that sounds vain, I swear I am not, just passionate.

I have to conclued by saying I have no problem with Destiel but this is indeed, another subject. And that all of this is just my opinion.

Thank you so so sooo much for this ask and please forgive the 1k words answer and the OCD presentation.

Keep being so awesome.

Love love,

Jay

#jay answers #dean winchester #dean's romantic life #only my opinion

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terrm9 · 3 years

Text

after all that i’ve done (Tatum x Lina)

This is officially part 2 of you give it to me anyway; however it’s perfectly readable as a one-shot, too.

WC: 4.4k, Rating: M (mature)

Warnings: swearing, mentions of army injury, alcohol & drug consumption, sex - only talking about these things, nothing graphic.

Author’s note: As expected, this doesn’t meet my writing goals at all. I got tired of looking at it, though, so here it is. Thank you so so much for reading and leaving a feedback, it means the whole world to me <3

Five weeks.

Five weeks of separation, five weeks filled with texts and phone calls and face-times and there was also a letter waiting on Lina’s bed one day – for old times‘ sake, Tatum joked.

And Lina has never been a patient woman, no. She hated those five weeks, in all her honesty.

(We managed five years, I can handle five weeks, she has been telling herself on repeat.)

The five weeks have passes. Lina’s year at Vancross was over. Election has been won.

She is home, at last. Home in Rutherland. Home in Mendozas‘ living room, Tatum’s arm wrapped around her shoulders and her own around his waist.

Leaning into his side and blushing under the attention she is getting from Mr. Mendoza, she is home.

(At last.)

„Lina!“ Tatum’s dad beams at her, a smile so wide she is sure his cheeks hurt. Where is all that Tatum’s stoicism coming from, she wonders (and then she remembers, those damn five years. Tatum used to be a perfect picture of his father – huge smiles and carefree laughters; there is nothing inherited in who he is now. He has become who he is in those five years.)

„It’s so amazing to see you again,“ Mr. Mendoza – Jerome, he insists – breaks her out of own mind. „Tatum couldn’t stop talking about you these past few weeks. It’s been Lina here and Lina there and ‚I wonder what Lina is doing‘ and-„

„Okay, dad, I am sure she gets it,“ Tatum interrupts, his voice carrying tracks of annoyance, but Lina knows it’s not really there. She has never seen a relationship more beautiful, more pure than the one between Tatum and his dad.

When Lina looks up at him, expression amused and an eyebrow raised, Tatum simply shrugs – he will not deny that he missed her. He will not support his dad’s teasing, either.

„Thank you, Jerome,“ she smiles back, probably just as widely. „I am more than happy to be back home.“

Tatum picked her up at the airport and Lina didn’t even consider going to her mother’s house. Without any conversation, they both knew she would be staying at Mendozas for some time.

She would be staying home.

„Well, I will leave you kids to it,“ Jerome winks at them and this time, Tatum does look slightly uncomfortable. „I promised Victoria I would help Josh with the nursery for the little one. Don’t wait for me with the dinner!“ He winks again and the suggestion behind his words is more than clear. Tatum’s hand twitches at Lina’s shoulder as he mutters under his breath.

„For the love of God, just go, dad.“

Lina is trying very hard not to think about what is happening. About how she is taking the stairs to walk into Tatum’s room – the room she hasn’t been to in six years. About how Tatum’s shoulders are tense under his tight black t-shirt, even though he is smiling softly at her as he opens the door.

About how this is all so well-known to her and yet so fucking different.

About the conversation they are inevitably having today. She is trying very, very hard not to think about that.

It takes several seconds for Lina to take the room in – to compare her memories to the present moment, to remember if the walls have always been this shade of gray and that there was definitely not a king-sized bed in teenage Tatum’s room.

"Ah," she can't help but grin as she spots the blank space above the bed.

"Where has the Emma Watson poster gone?"

Even though Tatum's face remains stoic, Lina catches a glimpse of amusement in his eyes.

"Dad turned this room into the one for visitors while I was gone," he replies shrugging. "I didn't think it would be, uh, appropriate to have the poster here."

Nodding, Lina takes the room further in and her breath hitches in her throat as she notices things that haven't changed, haven't been removed. The photo of the two of them from Tatum's eighteenth birthday party on a bedside table. The Valentine's Day card Lina made for him in the kindergarten pinned above his writing desk. The elegant black box sitting on the desk and she knows it's filled with the cinema tickets and concert tickets and the little notes Lina left from him in the books he has borrowed her. The ugliest mug ever made proudly displayed on a windowsill - Lina promised to bring him the ugliest souvenire from her trip to Prague and she came back with the mug. Photo of Lina in a long summer dress taken only a few days before Tatum left Rutherland, on a dresser (although it looks slightly rumpled and with a swell of her heart Lina wonders if maybe he had had this photo in his wallet while he was away, close to him at all times?)

"And these," she gestures around the room, "are not inappropriate?"

"Never," he doesn't miss a beat.

In two long strides, he closes the gap between them and taker her face into his hands, eyes full of that tenderness that scares her, full of affection and also, she notices, full of need.

„Lina,“ he whispers as he scans her face and Lina is not sure what he is trying to say – his eyes, God, those eyes, so beautiful, so breathtaking, screaming many things at once and Lina can only guess.

I missed you. I am so happy you are finally with me. I am, at last, at peace. I love you with my whole being and then some more.

All the things she feels within herself. All the things she is, just like him, not capable of saying. Neither of them has ever been a master of words. Of course, it has always been easy to talk to Tatum about others, about life, about nothing in particular.

But to talk to Tatum about Tatum?

(To talk to Lina about Lina?)

That’s... hard. Difficult. So easy to fuck up.

So she kisses him. Pulls him closer and covers his mouth with hers, pouring all that is unspoken into that kiss, hoping it could be enough.

(It is. It always is.)

Five weeks is a long time for everyone. It’s been fucking long time for Lina and Tatum.

The kisses are hungry, desperate, full of need and catching up, making up for the lost time – it would be so easy, so damn easy to just take his clothes off, to let him take hers off and then just have him take her.

So damn easy.

Lina knows he would do it, his higher principles be damned because the heat radiating from his body, the low rumble coming from the back of his throat, his hands caressing her torso – all a proof that he is just a man, that he wants her.

Tatum would do everything – anything – for Lina. He once told her he would die for her – and what a cliché, used by many, sung by rockstars and written down by poets, I would die for you, a confession or perhaps a promise, whispered freely by millions but meant scarcely by dozens.

Lina knows he means it. He would give up all his breaths for her.

(As she would for him. She decided to live for him, after all, and maybe that’s even more severe.)

And it’s so tempting she almost takes it, takes him-

It's the first time with you. (Spoken five weeks ago and still echoing in her head, those gentle words of his, for fuck’s sake)

- she can’t.

God, how she wants to forget what has been and what will be and just let them enjoy the moment of all that is physical and beautiful and easy - nothing that is their reality, has been for years, hard and ugly.

“We need to talk,” she whispers and she hates how her voice trembles already, trembles with all those wrong, dreadful emotions.

A long exhale leaves Tatum and he closes his eyes before nodding – and if he was tense before, he is statue-like now, the only movement are his hands, hugging Lina more tightly.

“Yes,” he says quietly and leads her to his bed, a habit older than Lina can remember – serious talks need to be taken to bed, they used to joke. Sitting next to each other, backs leaned against the wall behind them (knee to knee, shoulder to shoulder), Lina looks into his eyes briefly and murmurs: “Could you go first, please?”

There is no need to particularize what is this talk going to be about – two people that shared everything, two people who have been through most of that everything together, being separated for five years, well, that’s a lot of catching up to do.

And while they have gotten to the talks about Lina’s school and Tatum’s time in army already, while she already knows about the injury that made him leave and he already knows about all the fights she has had with her mother and how it all led to her year at Vancross, they have successfully avoided talking about the people they met in those years apart, until now.

There has been no talk about the relationships and as curious as Lina has been, she never dared to ask about Tatum’s sex life. He is her best friend, though. First and foremost, he is her best friend and she knows about the first girl he kissed and the first girl he has bought flowers for and the first one he invited for a date.

“It was not long after I joined army that I met Cara,” Tatum speaks, taking Lina’s hand into his own, fingers intertwined. “She was a cousin of a fellow soldier and lived in a town nearest to our base. She came to visit him fairly often and she was impossible not to notice,” he chuckles quietly. “So loud and cheery and full of joy. Everyone was excited to see her after some time. She brought life to the people that mostly talked about death. She never hesitated to show me that she likes me. And you know, at army, dating is anything but easy – but Cara was understanding. So we started dating after five months.”

His voice is soft when he tells her all of it (so freely, so naturally, and Lina wishes her story – her stories – could be that easy to tell, too), as is his smile. No matter what has gone down between Tatum and Cara, there is no grudge he is holding, not a sign of hatred. And maybe Lina should feel jealous, maybe there should be a pang of something inside her ribs, something uncomfortable. There’s nothing.

If anything, she is grateful that Tatum had someone he could rely on for all those years. Grateful that Cara had been there to look after him at times Lina couldn’t.

„She was always so,“ he hums for a moment. „So happy. It didn’t take long for me to understand that the happy face, the loud laughter, that those things were her cover up for something terrible, something that was making her miserable. But she never wanted to talk about it and so I didn’t ask. As she didn’t ask in return.“

Tatum’s head bumps into the wall softly, too and his gaze is on a ceiling when he speaks again.

„She was a good girl. And the relationship was... nice. Easy. We made sure it would stay easy. And in that easiness, it lacked depth. I have never gotten to know her better and she has never gotten to know me.“

A long silence follows and Lina wonders if she should ask more, if she should interrupt his thread of thoughts. Before she can say anything, Tatum speaks again and this time, his voice is filled with regret.

„She had your hair.“

She reminded me of you, is what he is not saying.

„How long did the relationship last?“ Lina asks when the silence gets too thick, too uncomfortable.

„Three years and something.“

„You broke up when you had to leave army?“ she prompts softly, curiosity getting the best of her.

Tatum shakes his head before looking down at Lina and responding.

„No, we ended it before the injury happened. She found the photo of you in my wallet one day, after the discussion about my driving license – she needed to see the thing herself and as she opened the wallet, the first thing she saw was, well... you. She asked me ‚So this is the girl you are trying to forget?‘. After my initial surprise, I only said that you are my best friend.“

Breaking the eye contact, he looks ahead before finishing the story.

„‘The best friend you are in love with?‘, she asked again and it was the first time someone said that aloud. I couldn’t lie to her, not when she asked so directly. She said she understood and you know what Lina? I think she really did. I never found out who was she trying to forget, but she did understand me.“

„And after Cara?“ Lina asks, even though she is afraid she knows her answer.

„After Cara, there was nobody.“

„Are you-,“ she takes a deep breath to calm down her rapidly beating heart. „Do you really mean that you only slept with Cara? Ever?“

Tatum laughs at that, squeezing Lina’s hand. „Life in army – or healing after the injury you have gotten there – do not exactly give you opportunities to get laid, galyetas.“

„Oh,“ is all Lina manages to breathe out. „Oh.“

Oh, shit. Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

This is her worst nightmare. This is worse than anything she feared.

Lina feels Tatum’s gaze on her, an unspoken ‚It’s your turn‘ hanging between them but she cannot, she cannot.

She feels like throwing up and crying at the same time and she cannot do this, she must run and run and run until she cannot catch her breath and never return because Tatum, her Tatum, deserves everything and she can give him nothing.

Not daring to look at Tatum, Lina tries to take a deep breath – to take any breath (and it feels like she has done the running already, she ran away and yet here she is, next to the man she loves, next to the man she is going to destroy.)

"You know you don't have to tell me anything, Lina," Tatum whispers, his knuckles caressing Lina's colarbone softly - a touch featherlight, almost too tender to bear.

And she needs to take another deep breath, the fire inside her blazing sedulously (painfully. It hurts to burn for Tatum, it pains as much as it pleases).

It all feels too much – his touch, his presence too good, too terrific; it feels like a dream.

(One she will soon turn into a nightmare)

„No, I do,“ she chokes out at last and finally looks into his eyes, forcing her memory to capture them fully – the chocolate brown of his irises with the specks of deep green in them, the dilated pupils and that damn warmth seeping from them, all those emotions. His eyes are smiling at her, eyes loving and caring and once she tells him everything, all of that love and care and smile will be gone and she begs her memory to remember Tatum’s eyes.

She begs her memory to forget everything but Tatum’s eyes (beautiful and breathtaking)

„I missed you,“ she begins. „I missed you like hell, Tatum, From the moment you were gone, it hurt. And I needed to find some kind of distraction, something to fill my mind with. The letters were not enough sometimes.“

Her voice is so apologetic, cracking after every other word and she hates it, hates how it sounds, hates how it is certainly telling Tatum where this is going, already.

“It was…” she stops and shrugs, trying so desperately to find the right words - which is ironic, really, as there are hardly any right words for this. “Manageable, that first year. I got drunk or high - sometimes both - went home, reread your latest letter and cried myself to sleep.”

Determined to look straight ahead of herself, Lina doesn’t see Tatum’s intense gaze on her. She feels it, however. (She always feels him, no matter her senses.)

She also hears his faint scoff.

Manageable has probably not been the most right choice of a word, then.

Then again, she has never done this before. Has never spoken about those years without Tatum to anyone.

Years of loneliness she decided to fill.

(Needed to fill, so desperately.)

Years of self-hatred that still lingers.

„The letters stopped coming, then,“ she whispers and even though she knows now why, she knows about her mother contacting Tatum only to ask him to stop sending them because it’s ‚too hurtful‘ for Lina; even though she knows all of it, she cannot keep the hurt from her voice.

„It was maybe three or four months after the last letter that it began to dawn on me, that another one is not coming. I was at this party and the first time, it was not planned, not intentional. It just... happened. I was getting drunk and ready to go home to reread the letter when it hit me, you know?“ she gulps and blinks several times to keep the tears from falling. „It hit me that I do not have anything to reread. And the guy was there, buying me drinks the whole night and he told me about his hotel room. So I went.“

Now, she needs to squeeze her eyes shut and the tears do fall and she hates them, hates herself, hates the past. But the dam has been broken and words are flowing out of her and she needs to tell Tatum everything, even if it is the last thing she will ever tell him.

„I do not remember his name and I do not remember what he looked like. I only remember that I hated every second of the sex, but the feeling of hating something else than the emptiness in me was strong enough for me to keep doing this. The second time, I planned it. And the third and every single one after that. I do not know who those people were, Tatum,“ she whispers and it scares her how still Tatum is, his hand still in hers but unmoving. There’s no reassuring squeezing.

(It’s what she deserves.)

„I never asked about their names and I never gave away mine. It happened every other week – I went to the city, got drunk, got fucked, went home. One time, paparazzi caught me kissing a woman in a bar and of course, the next day the picture was all over the magazines. My mother took a flight back home, then and I thought that maybe she would ask me what was going on, that maybe she would care. She tossed a bag my way, filled with wigs and contact lenses and told me that if I want to ruin my life, I need to make sure it doesn’t ruin her career, too. Then she left.“

Annie – Lina’s only female friend before Dionne – always used to say that what Lina is doing is a perfect example of post-breakup behavior. It never made sense to Lina. There was never a relationship. There was no breakup. She was just lonely and wanted some company.

It makes sense to her, now. She knows now that she loves Tatum in a way that is far from friendly and she knows now that she felt that way all those years ago, too. Back then, she would never admit that.

But Lina knows now. Her best friend, the closest person she has ever had, the person she’s been in love with left and Christ, that hurt more than a breakup.

„I do not know how many men I slept with, how many women. I never counted. The only thing I know that I never enjoyed the sex, not once,“ Lina scoffs and then muses, more to herself than Tatum. „Sometimes I wonder if I am even capable of that. Enjoying sex. Not that it matters,“ she adds in a rushed voice, because truly, her selfish wonder about her selfish sex life is not something that matters at the moment.

„I hate that it was that way, Tatum, I hate everything about those years you were gone. Most of all, I hate myself. But I cannot take that back. Those things are part of me now, no matter how hideous that part is.“

Silence. Long, terrible silence.

„What was the last time?“ Tatum asks suddenly and his voice is hollow, emotionless, so awfully neutral.

„Three weeks before Vancross? Maybe a month?“

This time when Tatum speaks, the emotions are clear in his voice – surprise, most of them all.

„And nobody after that? Nobody at Vancross?“

„Of course not!“ Lina exclaims, more loudly than intended – she still doesn’t look at him, though. „I was... There was no need-„ she bites her lower lip, trying to find the right words. She decides on the truth, in the end. „You were there with me. I was not lonely anymore. Not empty.“

There is a long silence, thick and suffocating and Lina feels like choking, drowning, this is the end, she thinks. She cannot meet Tatum's eyes, the fear of what she might find in them too tremendous - hate, disgust or perhaps resentment?

(All the things she would find in her own eyes, did she look in the mirror now)

And she deserves that look - the look that will crush her and destroy everything that is (was) between them; she deserves so much worse, she knows, but it doesn't make it any easier to open her damn eyes and look at him.

Taking a deep breath through her nose, Lina braces herself to face the reality, squeezing her eyes shut even more tightly, as if the counter movement of the one that is her goal could miraculously encourage her to do it and-

"I am sorry I was not there," she hears Tatum's whisper, the sound full of pain and regret and her eyes snap open without any forcible impulse sent by her brain.

What the fuck is the first reaction she manages to get out of herself.

„I should’ve fought harder for us,“ he adds and tugs her hand, forcing her to – fucking finally – look at him. „I should have been there, one way or another.“

„For fuck‘s sake, Tatum,“ Lina snaps and stands up, not able to sit calmly. „Stop this. Just...just stop this, okay? You cannot be sorry. You need to hate me, resent me. I screwed everything up. Be angry or something.“

„Lina,“ he whispers softly for what must be the eighth time that day and stands up too, cupping her cheek softly, gently enough for her to break free if that’s what she wants. „As if I could ever hate you.“

Lina’s heart breaks at those words. She is sure it does, she can feel the sharp pain in her chest and it must be that, right? Tears are threatening to fall once again and her hands are trembling and Tatum just stands there, thumb tracing her cheekbone tenderly, looking at her, waiting.

Patiently, calmly. Waiting. As he always is.

„You should,“ she whispers at the very same moment the first tear fall down, at the very moment a sob leaves her mouth. „You need to. I am not the Lina I used to be, Tatum. I am not a good person. I am all those terrible things that you are not and I can only cause you hurt. Please, Tatum, for your own sake just... please, just hate me.“

Tatum bows his head down, his lips – warm, soft, gentle – touching her cheek, kissing the tears away.

Lina’s heart keeps breaking.

„I know who you are, Lina girl. I see you as you are.“

Another kiss on the other cheek.

„It’s the past. Past that has not been easy for either of us. But it’s gone. We have each other now and I will have you for as long as you will have me.“

„But-„ she protests, only for Tatum’s thumb on her lips to stop her.

„You are not what you have done. You are not what happened to you. You are my best friend. My Lina. My galyetas. You are still the very same Lina that created the Valentine’s Day card for me at the age of five because you were worried I wouldn’t get a card from anyone else.“

They both chuckle at the memory – the bastard got eight – eight! – Valentine’s Day cards that year.

„You are still the Lina that alarmed her mother and all the assistants on the President tour because you needed to get back to Rutherland immediately – because it was the first Mother’s Day without my mom and you knew I would be miserable.“

Well, yeah, her mother was not overly happy when she had to pay for the private jet that took Lina back home. Immediately.

Tatum’s hand traces her jawline, falling down on her neck, her shoulder, her exposed collarbone until it lands on her chest, until Lina’s heart beats under it.

„You are the Lina I grew up with. You are my best friend. You are the most important person in my life and that cannot be changed. I know who you are. I see you as you are, I see you as the beautiful, loving, compassionate Lina you are and it hurts me to know that you cannot see yourself that way.“

Another sobs escapes Lina and she feels dizzy, heart beating rapidly, head underwater.

(How is she supposed to deal with this? With him and with herself?)

„I will make sure to remind you,“ Tatum whispers into her ear, kissing her earlobe there and again, Lina has no idea what to say. Again, she acts instead.

She kisses him, a deep, slow kiss and here it is again, that hope that it’s enough.

(It is. It always is.)

*** ***

Thank you so much for reading, again! I am already working on the third part in which these two finally get to the banging so I hope you won't get tired of them just yet

#l & t #foreign affairs #tatum mendoza #tatum x mc #tatum x lina #lina monroe

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sillyrabbit81 · 4 years

Text

Her Heavy Cross

Summary: Three years after tragedy hits, Lana she decides to start dating again. She meets Will through a dating app and they begin an online romance. After months of constant requests, Lana relents and agrees to meet and go on an irl date with Will. But is Will who he says he is? Lana is quickly pulled into an intense relationship forcing her to confront her tragic past. Will Lana face it or will she close her heart forever?

Pairing: OMC x OFC

Word Count: approx 3k

Warnings: swearing, mild smuttiness

Authors Note: The story started as a Henry Cavill fanfiction but I changed it to be an original character, but shades of Henry are still there. Hope you enjoy the story and thanks for reading.

Part 9 Part 11

Part 10

We eventually got up. We showered and dressed. I fed Perrin, and we ate breakfast. I asked Liam what his plans were for the day.

"Not much. I thought I would stay with you until you kick me out." He winked. "What are your plans?"

"Well, I have to kick this guy out..." I said with mock agitation. Liam feigned a look of hurt. "Not much until tonight. I'm going to Dave's house for dinner. I'll see my nephews and niece, which will be good. My Mum too, I suppose."

"Dave's your brother, right?" I nodded. "You haven't told me much about your mother. I think this is the first time you've mentioned her."

"We don't always get along. Mum's mellowed as she's gotten older, but she was a bit of a tyrant when I was growing up. She didn't like Andy. Well, she didn't like any of my boyfriends. She always judged them based on their jobs like she wanted me to end up with a doctor or lawyer or something like that. It's like she thought she'd wasted her money sending me to a private school because I found myself attracted to tradies."

"What's a tradie?

"A tradesman."

"Gotcha."

I laughed at a memory. "I used to tell my friends that if a guys hands weren't calloused enough to cause a run in my stockings, then he has no business touching my legs."

Liam burst out laughing. "Are you serious?"

"What can I say? I like a man who is good with his hands." I shrugged before continuing, "anyway, that's one reason why my mum and I didn't get along."

"What about your Dad?"

"He passed away three years ago."

"I'm sorry."

I didn't say anything for a while. I played with the crusts of my toast, breaking it into little crumbs. I think Liam sensed my mood and changed the subject. "You went to a private school?"

"Yeah," I said. "An all-girls, Catholic one at that."

"Well, that explains a lot." Liam quipped, his tone very serious, but his twitchy lip gave him away.

I narrowed my eyes and frowned. "I hate you."

Liam ignored me and cupped my face with his hands. "Kiss me." He ordered. And I did.

We spent most of the morning sitting together and talking. We spoke about the books we were reading. We found that we had similar taste in books when we talked before we met. Liam had recommended a book to me, and I had finished it a few days ago. I showed him my bookshelves, and we compared which ones we had read. He asked to borrow a couple.

Later we just sat on the lounge. We talked, held hands, cuddled, kissed, had coffee, and then some tea. We took turns patting Perrin, who had taken to Liam really well.

It got close to lunchtime, and it seemed like we were both trying to work out a way to avoid the inevitable parting. Neither of us had brought it up since breakfast. Eventually, Liam asked, "when can I see you again?"

Liam was sitting up, and I was laying on my back with my head in his lap. Liam was stroking my hair, sometimes taking a curl and twisting it around his finger. I smiled when I saw him do that since I had done the same to him earlier.

"As soon as possible," I replied. "I'm going to miss your pretty face." I reached up and patted his cheek patronisingly.

He gave me a small smile but didn't say anything. Then his god damned lip twitched.

"What are you thinking?" I asked. "I can tell when your lip twitches that you're thinking something naughty or you know something I don't know."

"My mother tells me the same thing." His lips stretched into a full grin, revealing his Hollywood white teeth.

"Well, I'm not your bloody mother, so tell me."

"I was just thinking about all the parts of you that I'm going to miss."

"You're very cheeky."

"Unfortunately for you, my mother tells me that too."

"You're a fuck knuckle," I said, smirking. "I'll bet your mother doesn't tell you that."

Liam's eyes went wide. "Bloody hell, Sweetheart. Anyone would think you didn't like me." He was smiling though.

"It's because I like you that I insult you. I'm very polite to people I don't like." I said, putting a sickly sweet smile on my face and batted my eyelashes at him.

"You're lucky you're cute." Liam leaned down and kissed me. "You haven't answered my question. When can I see you again?"

"Well, we both work all week. I guess that means we will have to wait until Friday night."

"Do you want to come to my place on Friday after work? Spend the weekend with me?"

"Ok. I'll ask Dave when I see him tonight if he will have Perrin for me. But it shouldn't be an issue."

Liam's face was unreadable for a moment. Then he smiled and kissed my forehead. "I'm already looking forward to it." He sat back and said, "well, I suppose I had better call an Uber."

I sat up and waited for Liam to book his ride. When he had finished, I said, "Call me tomorrow night. After work?"

Liam nodded. He scooped me up and sat me on his lap. "Don't worry, Sweetheart. You won't get rid of me easily." He smiled and caressed my cheek with the back of his fingers. "Now, kiss me."

I threw my hands around his neck and kissed him hard.

Liam kissed me back, his arms wrapped around my waist, and he crushed my body into his. Our kisses became ardent, and I squirmed on his lap. I didn't want to let him go. Not ever.

I wanted him again now, and I cursed myself for letting him call for an Uber. I felt like he was part of my life like I had already given let him into my heart when I let him in this house. This sacred place. Mine and Andy's place. It seemed as though he had just blended into my life and any thoughts of the future now included him.

But I also knew enough to hold back, to remember I didn't really know him. The weekend wasn't real life. It was an illusion. It wasn't the daily grind of work, come home, sleep, do it all again. To make it worse, Liam's life wasn't normal. Would I adjust? Could I adjust? Did I even want to try?

I knew I did want to try, at least. Liam seemed worth it. Worth the risk of another broken heart, another love snatched from my grasp. If I didn't try with Liam, then who would I try with? And if I never tried, then love would be gone from my life forever.

Liam pulled away. "I had better go now, or I think I'll never leave." We got up just as his phone alerted him the driver was less than a minute away. He grabbed his bag, and I walked him to the door, and he followed behind me up the hallway.

We got to the door, and before I could open it, he turned me around and pinned me to it with his whole body. His forehead pushed against mine. He kissed me, forcing his tongue into my mouth. He ground his body against me. "Lana," he breathed. "Lana, I..." He stopped talking, kissed me again softly then pulled away.

I didn't know what to say. I didn't want Liam to stop. "I'll call you tonight," I said despite our plans to call tomorrow night. I knew I wouldn't be able to wait until then. I opened the door for him.

As he walked out the door, Liam put his hand on the back of my head. He brought me to his face, and he kissed the top of my head. "As you wish." He winked and pulled the door closed behind him.

The rest of my day felt lonely. I moped around for a bit. I threw Perrin the ball for a while. He was too old these days for more than a few runs, but he still loved it. I did some washing, cleaned my bathroom and put my Ben and Jerry's tub in the bin. I painted my nails.

When the afternoon wound down, I called Riza.

"Hey, Slut!" She said when she picked up.

"Piss off," I said back.

"Well, don't keep me in suspense. What the fuck happened?"

"I don't even know where to begin."

"Well, did you fuck him?" I shook my head. If Liam thought I was direct, he should talk to Riza. I didn't say anything. She knew me well enough to know what the answer was by my silence. "'Bout fucking time." She said, and I laughed. "So tell me about him. What's his name? What does he do for work? Where does he live? Boxers or briefs?"

"Uh, his name is Liam. Liam Cross."

"Like the actor? Man, that's weird. I knew a girl once whose name was Indiana Jones. I couldn't do it cause I kept thinking about Harrison Ford."

"No, Riz. Not like the actor, he is the actor."

Stunned silence. Then, "you're shitting me."

"Serious as a heart attack."

"Why didn't you tell me before?"

"I didn't know who he was," I told Riza about the Will/Liam thing.

"You're really not joking. Send me a pic."

"I didn't take any."

I swear I could hear Riza roll her eyes. "Of course, you didn't. You never do!" Then she shouted, "Hey Jen! Lana..."

"Riza! No, no, no!" I shouted.

"Fucked Liam Cross," she finished.

I hung my head. Fuck. I could trust Riza, but Jen, I wasn't sure of. She spent all day on Instagram and Snapchat. I didn't know if she could keep quiet.

"You there, Lansey?" I heard Jen talking in the background. "Hang on a sec, what's that, babe?" More Jen talking. "Oh shit, you looked good on Friday night Lans, no wonder you got fucked."

"How do you know what I wore Friday night?"

"Jen found pics."

"That quickly?"

"Yeah, they're everywhere. Some of you guys at a shop too. Hey, that's the shop near Mike the Butcher, right?"

This was news to me. I knew they took pictures, but I didn't think they were posted. I should have though. Why wouldn't they be? "Fuck."

"Did you just meet him? On Friday?"

"Yeah, why?"

"There's this one picture of you two, and he's touching your cheek. You two look like you're in love," she teased, making love sound like llllooooouuuuv. "Ha! There's Perrin!"

"Is my name mentioned? Do they know who I am?"

"Doesn't look like it. You two look perfect together."

"Tell Jen not to say anything. Please?"

"Yeah, yeah, no worries."

She kept talking, but I'd had enough. "I've gotta get going," I said.

"Lans, you ok?" She knows me too bloody well.

"Yeah," I bit my lip and took some deep breaths. "It's a lot to take in, you know. He's bloody famous, it's like, I don't want that shit in my life."

"Is he worth it?"

"I think so. I mean, he's a sweet, kinda daggy guy who happens to be built like Hercules and sexy as fuck. What's not to like?"

"I always thought he was gay."

Before I could stop myself, I said, "He's definitely not gay. I'd never believe a gay guy could growl a girl out like he does." I've got to learn to keep my mouth shut.

Riza yelled, "yas girl! You got a keeper!"

I laughed. "Fucking hell. Alright, Riz, I've really got to go. Say hi to Jen. Don't say anything!" Riz agreed, and we hung up.

Dinner at Dave and Lucy's was mostly uneventful. I jumped with the kids on the trampoline and played some wrestling on the PlayStation. My mum wasn't too much of a bitch. I forgot about the pictures and didn't think about Liam for a while. I needed that. I felt like the weekend was such a whirlwind and so much happened I needed some time to get back to normality, something familiar.

After dinner, Mum went home, and the kids wanted to watch a movie. I got on the lounge with the two older ones, Charlie and Harry and went through Netflix. Lucy had taken Lilly to bed. I saw Liam's face in one of the movies thumbnails, and I groaned. It was the one where he was a superhero. It was nearly ten years old. Though it didn't seem possible, he was even more handsome now. I quickly flicked past it.

"No, Aunty Lanny, I want to watch that one," Harry said.

"Isn't it too scary?"

Dave called out from the kitchen, "it's their new favourite. They've been watching it all week."

"Then we can watch something else," I said.

Both boys protested. I half relented. "Have you seen the sequel?" It had much less screen time for Liam since he had teamed up with a couple of other superheroes in that one.

"There's a sequel?" Charlie was excited.

So we watched the sequel. I'd seen it before, but it was weird watching it now. I actually enjoyed it more than I thought I would. Although it was obvious that Liam was the actor, it was surprisingly easy to forget him and believe he was really the character.

He looked different to the Liam I knew. His hair was lighter, he was clean-shaven, and even the way he held his face was different. The way he moved and mannerisms weren't Liam's either. His voice was different too. The most apparent change there was the accent. Those harsh American tones seemed so strange after hearing his soft Queens English ones. Although, scenes with his shirt off still made me think of Liam.

After the movie I said goodbye to the kids, and they went to bed. I asked Dave if he would watch Perrin next weekend. I tried to sound casual about it, but Dave knew me better than that.

"Girls weekend?" He asked. I tried to say yeah, but I blushed, and he knew it wasn't a girls weekend.

Dave was eight years older than me, the same as Liam. I adored Dave. I remember following him around as a kid, wanting to do everything he did. As we got older, I watched the same movies he did, read the same books he did and listened to the same music, which is probably why I prefer 90s music to 2000s music.

He was sweet about it for the most part. He even got me alcohol a few times when I was 17 and took me to the pub with his mates when I was 18. He was protective though. Not one of his mates was allowed to touch me. It had made me mad at the time, especially when I had the hots for his best mate Chris since I was 12. So when he worked out that I was probably going to be spending the weekend with a guy, I expected him to freak out. He didn't.

"Is he a good bloke?" Dave asked. "Treating you well?"

"Yeah, he is." I couldn't help but smile.

Dave grunted, "I can tell by the look on your face, you are smitten. Alright then, Perrin can stay."

"Thanks, Dave. Don't tell mum."

"Yeah, Nah. I'm not stupid."

I went home and got ready for bed straight away. I was mentally exhausted, but I still called Liam. Not only because I said I would. I did miss him in my bed already. I felt lonely again. Of all the things about being married I missed, sleeping with somebody else in the bed was high on the list.

When I went to call, I was confused for a minute because I couldn't find his number. Then I remembered he was in my contacts as Will. I changed the name and called him. I hoped I wasn't calling too late.

"Hello, Sweetheart." Liam's voice sent a ripple of excitement through me.

"Hey," I said. "How was the rest of your day?"

"Good. Do you want to FaceTime?"

"I'm in bed."

"Me too." He said, and I heard the ring of FaceTime come through the phone.

I answered. Liam's face appeared. So did his naked shoulders. Sweet Jesus, he couldn't fit in the frame.

"Much better," he said, smiling. "How was your day?"

"Ok, I just hung around at home then saw the fam. Dave said he would have Perrin next weekend," I got flustered thinking about it. I cleared my throat. "So yeah, that's sorted."

"Excellent. I'm really looking forward to it. How was the family? Was your mum ok?"

"Yeah, she was good. The kids are fans of yours, by the way."

He gave a short laugh at this. "Really? Did you tell your family about me?"

I said I didn't and told him about the kids and the movie. "They loved it. I liked it too." I told him about how it was strange to watch him act after actually knowing him, and for a lot of the time, I had forgotten it was him. I just believed the character and enjoyed the story.

"Thank you." Liam seemed genuinely pleased. "That is the aim of what I do."

"I did tell Riza about you. Her wife, Jen, found pictures of us almost immediately."

"Did you see the ones from yesterday?"

"She told me about them, but I've not seen them."

"You ok?"

I shrugged, "it is what it is. I asked them not to say anything about us."

Liam changed the subject and showed me he had started one of the books he had borrowed. Once again, I was grateful that he seemed to know my mood and not push me.

We talked for about ten minutes before I started yawning.

"I better let you go. You're tired, Sweetheart."

"Yeah," I said as a yawn overtook me. "I think you're right." I blinked several times, my eyes watering from the yawns. "Call me tomorrow night?"

"I definitely will. Goodnight, Sweetheart."

"Night, Liam." I fell straight asleep.

Part 11

#original character #original fiction #romantic story #happy ever after

9 notes · View notes

ethan-bears · 5 years

Text

Home for Christmas (Nolan Patrick x Reader)

You've resigned yourself to spending this Christmas alone. But Nolan has other plans.

Author's note: I started writing this out as a thought to send to @lindylovegang for her soft thought night tonight but I realized it needed to be a small book whole fic instead, so I decided to do this instead of editing my final paper. This is also not edited. I might edit it later. Who knows.

Warnings: light swearing, holidays, slight angst but it gets fluffy real quick, it's my first fic so it's probably not great, I'm on mobile and I can't figure out "keep reading" and I'm very sorry

Word count: absolutely no idea but good luck fam

gif credit to: bretthowden

*****

This was not how you wanted to spend your first Christmas in Philadelphia. Ideally, you wouldn't even be in Philly at all right now. You should be on a plane back home to your family and friends and the warm, familiar streets of your hometown. You should be waking up tomorrow morning in your grandma's house with the smell of warm bread surrounding you like a hug.

But no. You were trapped.

The blizzard had started to roll in earlier this morning, and you thought to yourself that it wouldn't be that bad, right? It was just some flurries. They wouldn't ground any flights, right?

Oh how wrong you wound up being.

After three hours of waiting for news in the airport terminal, followed by another hour and a half desperately trying to reschedule your flight to a time that would still work and getting nothing out of every airline representative in the building, you somehow managed to get an Uber driver crazy enough to come get you in the ocean of snow. Fighting back tears, you tried to console yourself in the backseat. At least your apartment would be warm. And you had a little tree, so it would still feel like Christmas. You'd make some soup and Skype your family, and while it wouldn't be the same as being with them, it would be better than nothing!

"Reckless optimist," you sighed as you flipped the light switch to your apartment only to be met with continued darkness. Alone in a dark, cold, apartment on Christmas Eve, snowed in with nowhere to go in a city that came nowhere close to feeling like home. Merry Christmas. Slumping against the door, you felt your hot tears break free and cascade down your face. You decided to let all the stress and frustration that had been building all day take over your body, sobbing harder than you could ever remember. Each new wave shook your body, sending you to the floor. You didn't care. It couldn't get worse, so why not act like it?

During a pause in the festivities you decided to check your phone to see if you had any messages from your dad, only to find a text you definitely didn't expect from someone who was definitely not your father.

Sir Nolan the Rosy-Faced: hey, just checking in, i know you're probably mid flight rn but just wanted to make sure you land safely when you do. Crazy storm. Text me?

Sniffing, you paused to process the message. Nolan wanted to make sure you were safe? It shouldn't really have surprised you, but the fact that he was concerned enough to text you while he thought you were still midair was...touching.

You fired a short text back explaining that the flight wasn't happening, thinking he'd respond with a simple "okay" or an "oh, sorry to hear that :(". But the next text you got (mere seconds later) surprised you again.

Sir Nolan: oh my god that sucks! Wait.....does that mean you're home alone tonight?

Me: Yeah, and the power's out, so it's suuuper cold, but idk it's fine, I'll just layer up and go to bed early I guess

Sir Nolan: are you okay?

That one hit you like a truck. No, you thought, I'm really, really not.

Me: Yeah, I'll be fine

Sir Nolan: are you sure? Cause I can come over if you want.

Any other night, you would be losing your mind at an offer like that. Ever since you had met Nolan, you'd had the biggest crush on him. All other crushes seemed like weak sauce compared to how you felt about him. But you'd cried all your energy out. The best response your heart could muster was a meek, "Sure, but don't worry if the snow's just too much."

You were met with a resounding, "Already on my way."

You decided that if you were going to be having company you should at least get up off the floor. You shuffled your way into your bedroom, habitually flicking the light switch before you remembered it was pointless. You fumbled in the dark to your desk drawer, trying to find your flashlight, and once you found it you turned it on and started changing into your warmest pajamas. Now that you weren't just a puddle of self-pity, you started to think about Nolan's sudden inviting-over of himself. You first met him during training camp when your work friend brought you along to meet up with Travis, her boyfriend. She figured that since you were new to the city and also a huge hockey fan that it couldn't hurt to introduce you to some guys on the team and help you make some friends. You weren't sure what to make of Nolan at first. He seemed so quiet and awkward that you thought your own quietness and awkwardness would make conversation impossible with such a knockout of a man. You wound up being horribly wrong, once again, but that time it was in a good way. Neither of you were really the super-outgoing party type, so whenever one or both of you started getting exhausted with the atmosphere you'd usually drift off into your own conversation in a quieter part of the room. As a result, he became a good friend incredibly fast. It seemed there was nothing you couldn't talk about with him, even though you still got nervous about certain things. Like your personal feelings for him. But that had never come up before, so you were safe. For now.

You knew he knew all about how hard the transition to Philly has been for you. How homesick you get, how you can't help but wonder if you made a mistake taking the job offer that brought you here (even though it was your dream job), and how you felt like it was hard to click with so many new people. Which was probably why he seemed so worried about you being alone tonight. He knew you felt alone most of the time anyway.

An hour and a half had gone by and you were starting to get worried about him. He only lived 20 minutes away, and even with the snow, it shouldn't take him that long unless he was stuck and just too proud to call you. It had given you time to call your mom, which you were grateful for and made you feel a lot better, but you couldn't ignore the knot in your stomach anymore. You were just about to hit "call" when you heard a knock at the door. Or more like a thump at the door.

You practically sprinted over to open it for the man-sized popsicle with his arms full of grocery bags standing on your doorstep. You paused for a second with your mouth hanging open, both amazed by the fact that he actually came over and by...him. The cold made his already pink cheeks bright red, and the snowflakes were sticking to his long eyelashes and the free locks of hair that didn't fit under his beanie. You had never seen anything more beautiful in your life.

"Can...can I come in?" Nolan's teeth chattered, snapping you back to reality.

"Oh, yeah, sorry! God, Nol, you're shivering!" you remark, ushering him through the door. Not that inside was that much warmer, but anything was better than being out there.

"It's cold," he laughs.

"Wow, AND he's meteorologist!" you quip back. "What can Nolan Patrick not do?"

Shaking his head, he made a beeline for your kitchen, looking for a place to set his bags down.

"Took me forever to find a place that was still open tonight," he muttered, pulling what looked in the dark like to-go boxes out of one of the bags. You shined your flashlight up to the ceiling to make it light the whole room as Nolan continued to pull items from his three bags. You just stood there, still dumbfounded by him.

"Pat... what's all this?" you manage to squeak out.

"This," he said, pointing to the to-go tubs, "is soup. I'm not completely sure what kind, but I figured soup would be the best thing no matter what. I didn't know if you had any crackers, so I brought some saltines. And some oranges because I knew you'd want something fruity and healthy and oranges are festive. And this," he pulled a thermos out of the second bag, "is hot chocolate. Made it myself." He grinned, sliding it towards you, obviously proud of himself. You could barely contain your own grin, feeling yourself blush. You were proud of him too.

"I saved the best for last," he continued once you took a sip of the cocoa. You frowned.

"What else could you possibly have brought?" you asked, genuinely astonished.

He looked you in the eyes and gave you a smirk. Holy hell. You were glad he probably couldn't see how pink your own cheeks were getting. The things he did to you and he didn't even know.

He carefully pulled a basket out of the last bag, and you could see it was full of a bunch of other things. You couldn't believe it.

"Nolan..." You trailed off, feeling the tears starting to well up again. Inside the basket were a bunch of little gifts with a note that read "For: y/n, From: Us". It had some of your favorite candies, one of those cheesy home-state-scented candles, a scarf with your home team's name and logo on it, and a tin of your favorite tea from a tiny local tea shop in your home town. You tried your best to fight the tears, but you weren't strong enough, rendered useless from your earlier fit.

"Nol-" You couldn't even finish your question before your own sob choked you. You set your thermos and flashlight down to bury your face in your hands.

"Hey, hey," Nolan whispered, pulling you into a hug. You wasted no time in hugging him back, squeezing him as you sobbed into his chest. "Shhhh, it's okay," he muttered to the top of your head. He slowly ran a hand up and down your back, rocking you back and forth. It only made you more emotional. He had never hugged you before, and you hadn't been hugged like this in what felt like years. You just wanted to stay there in his arms forever and ignore the world around you.

"It was a team effort," he continued. "Some of us thought you could use some things that remind you of home."

"Who...who found the tea?" you said into his chest, muffled by his sweater.

"What?" He smiled, pulling out of the hug a bit to let you speak up.

You wiped your face and took a breath. "Who found the tea?"

He pulled the rest of the way out of the hug, much to your disappointment. He leaned his head down, staring at the floor.

"That was me," he mumbled, tucking a loose strand of hair behind his ear. "I remembered you mentioning it, and it was hard to work out, but they agreed to send me some." Somehow, his voice kept getting lower and lower.

You could hardly believe your ears. He remembered that? You swore you had only mentioned it once in passing after you got a really disappointing chai from a coffee place down the street. You had no idea he had been paying attention. And he went to all the trouble of getting a store with a locals-only business model to ship a product long-distance. You started to wonder if.... No, you thought, don't get your hopes up again tonight.

You stared at him for another moment, trying to soak in the situation. He seemed surprised when you went back in for another hug.

"Thank you so much!" you whisper, knowing that if you said it any louder you'd start crying again. You could feel him relax into the hug and gave him a little squeeze before you ended it.

"Soup time?"

"Soup time." Nolan nodded, practically beaming.

You sat on the couch, eating as carefully as you could in the dark, though your eyes were getting pretty adjusted. From then on, it was conversation as usual. It came so naturally with him that even when you weren't saying anything, you were still happy. You exchanged stories about your favorite Christmases, what you thought the best cookies are, and weird things your families do during the holidays for hours, barely even noticing the time or the cold. At some point Nolan had pulled the blankets off the back of the couch and tossed them over both your laps. You didn't notice that you'd been getting closer and closer to him with every story until you laughed so hard you fell on his shoulder.

"Stop laughing!" He pouted, audibly trying to stifle his own laugh. "I almost got hypothermia. I could've died!"

"I can't...I can't!" you breathe between laughs. "You fell through the ice...but just one leg?!"

"Yeah, and I was stuck there on my side almost doing the splits between the ice and the water and my sister just stood there laughing. Just like you!" He nudged you, pretending to be annoyed. "But eventually she pulled me out and carried me back home. Couldn't move my leg for hours, it was just sticking straight out like..." He stuck his leg in the air, demonstrating, and only making you laugh harder. You could hardly breathe. You knew it probably felt funnier because of how exhausted you were, but you didn't care. Nolan had put a smile back on your face and back in your heart.

"Hey, Nolan?"

"Yeah?"

You swallowed. "I just... I'm not complaining that you're here, obviously, but... weren't you planning on spending tonight with Kevin and his family?"

"I was, but they've got each other, and someone else who's super special to me was sad and alone, which made me really sad to think about. You deserve to be happy and I wanted to help. Easiest decision I've ever made."

You really did not have it in you for another cry, so you settled for teasing him instead.

"That's really cheesy of you, softie."

"Take it while you can," he laughed.

"I know," you smiled.

Your eyes were starting to feel heavy and you let out a jaw-cracking yawn.

"Damn," Nolan remarked. You grunted in response, earning another laugh from him. "Wanna lay down?"

You nodded, leaning into his shoulder.

"You're warm," you sleepily drawl. You wanted to lay down, but you didn't want to get up to go to your bed. You wanted more snuggles, and right now you didn't care if he read into it or not.

He seemed to get the message, moving to lay down and taking you with him. He wrapped his arms around you after making sure the blankets covered you both as much as possible. You smiled contentedly, settling into your position and closing your eyes. You barely had time to contemplate how touchy he was being tonight compared to his normal reservations about hugs and touching before you were completely gone.

*****

Nolan woke up first the next morning. He was careful to move as little as possible to avoid waking you up. You looked so peaceful, curled up with your head on his chest. He felt his heart swell as you shifted to wrap your arms around his torso and fell back asleep within seconds. He smiled down at you, noticing how beautiful you were, even with your messy bedhead and your cheek squished against his chest. He wanted to stay in this moment forever. Just the two of you.

The power had come back on at some point during the night, so it was no longer freezing in the apartment, and the lights on your tiny tree had come on as well. He glanced back over to the kitchen to the basket on the counter. It had been embarrassing enough to admit to being the one who hunted down the tea like a police dog, so he left out the part about the whole gift basket being his idea in the first place. He would've bought you everything himself, but he wanted you to know that you had other friends, too, and that they wanted to show you that they were thinking of you. The scarf was Carter's idea, the candy TK's. Claude had suggested the candle, and being the local expert on how to be good to the woman he loved, Nolan took the advice and bought the candle as well. It did make him strangely jealous of your hometown in a way he couldn't quite explain. He was worried that you would be looking for any excuse to move back home, which he really didn't want. If it made you happy, then of course he'd support you, but he'd never felt for anyone the way he felt about you. The way you laugh, how passionate you get when you talk about something you care about, whether that's a person, a subject, a place, or what the best pizza topping is. He loved everything down to the way you word your sentences. He loved how much you loved.

He was awoken from his thoughts by you stirring and opening your eyes to look at him.

"Merry Christmas," you mumbled.

"Merry Christmas," he mumbled back.

You laid your head back down, enjoying the comforting rise and fall of his chest.

"You hungry? I can try and make you some breakfast. Emphasis on try," Nolan offered.

You laughed at the thought. "That'd be nice. But I don't wanna get up."

"Me neither," he sighed, tracing his thumb along your arm. He was not ready for when you suddenly shot off the couch, eyes manic and wide.

"Oh my god!" you shouted. "I didn't get you anything for Christmas! And you did all that last night!" You waved your hand at the kitchen. Nolan sat up, confused and cold, missing the weight of you on him.

"It's okay, y/n! I wasn't expecting anything."

"No, okay, I'm making you breakfast, and it's gonna be the best damn breakfast I've ever made. Lay back down," you insisted, marching off to the kitchen, wincing at the still-cold floor.

As nice as it sounded to stay under the warm blankets, Nolan didn't want to just sit there doing nothing. Suddenly he had an idea, even though it was a risky one. He decided it was a risk he needed to take eventually.

"Get out!" you playfully threatened, brandishing a spatula at him as he stepped into the kitchen. He put his hands up in mock surrender.

"I won't touch!"

"Good," you smirk, turning back to your pan.

Nolan shuffled around nervously, working up the courage to say what he wanted to. He swallowed and took a deep breath.

"I, uh...I have an idea for what you can give me. If you, uh, still want to give me something. Besides breakfast, I mean." Smooth, Patrick, he thought.

"What's that?" You met his gaze, making his stomach flip. The things you do to him and you have no idea.

"Maybe we can go out sometime? Like, just us. On purpose. To dinner or something?"

You looked like a deer caught in the headlights, making Nolan immediately second-guess himself. He bashfully broke your eye contact, focusing on the floor again. He felt the blush on his cheeks worsening.

"Are you... serious?" you ask, voice full of wonder.

"Of course I am!" he mumbled insistently. "Wouldn't ask if I wasn't."

You almost knocked him over with the force of your hug, a truly impressive feat.

"Yes, yes, a thousand times, yes!!!" you laughed, not even bothering to play it cool. Nolan smiled so much it started to hurt, but he didn't care. He felt like he could take off and fly, he was so relieved. The weight of the world was replaced by the weight of you clinging to his shoulders. And he couldn't imagine a better way to spend his Christmas. Maybe, just maybe, he thought, Christmas would be like this forever from now on.

*****

You relaxed into Nolan's arms as he followed you back to the stove, hugging you from behind and resting his chin on your shoulder. Suddenly, you felt something more than the giddy high of getting asked out by your crush. You felt a sort of peace you hadn't felt since before you moved.

You were home for Christmas.

#red i hope you like it im sorry if it's weird or if im weird #nolan patrick imagine #hockey imagines #emma writes

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