#anyways there’s a couple of these in the works I’m just slow bc I’m Les Mis brainrotted

[landfilloftrash]

He has one mode and it's "tormenting Dresden" (due to a grief and anger unaddressed for 30ish years) almost as always with me; @anotherramblingfangirl for the incorrect quote drawn

[bloody-wonder]

mid-year book freak out tag

Les Bookes: read them, love them, write absurdly long posts about them📚

1. Best Book You’ve Read So Far in 2022? sadly i haven’t yet read anything that would blow my mind this year but i think my top 3 would be the power of the dog by thomas savage, empire of the vampire by jay kristoff and these violent delights by micah nemerever. the premise and the characters of the power of the dog are *chef’s kiss*, love me some evil gays and family dramas, but it’s kinda,, unfocused? it does that thing often found in classics when you want to get to the juicy stuff but the book’s like nooo veggies themes first. but the payoff is amazing and the ending is abrupt and very bold so i do recommend it if you don’t mind the slow pace. empire of the vampire is an extremely fun and very tropey high fantasy book with 🙌vampires🙌 and just a tinge of gayness. i’d heard a lot of mixed things about kristoff’s edgy writing style so i could mentally prepare and in the end i had a great time. i do have a lengthy list of criticisms, half of which are some version of “could’ve been much gayer“, but i suppose you have to accept the baby steps of cishet male fantasy authors, sighh🙄 and these violent delights is just a very solid dark academia book. a rare case when a book truly delivers on the buzzwords and comparisons mentioned in the blurb, so if hitchcock’s rope, leopold & loeb or the secret history give alluring vibes, check it out. (based on the afterword and the author’s bio i can safely say he’s my doppelgänger lol. i wish i could link that afterword somehow bc it’s like someone gazed into my soul and put it on paper). however, this book does read like a debut and in my opinion could’ve benefited from a couple of additional drafts in the course of which it should’ve preferably lost some of it’s ya-ness😬

2. Best Sequel You’ve Read So Far in 2022? the queen of attolia was the best one and definitely leagues better than the first book in the series but artificial condition isn’t far behind🧡 also the winter of the witch was a very satisfying conclusion to the winternight trilogy😊

3. New Release You Haven’t Read Yet, But Want To? vale aida, the author of the magpie ballads, just published her second book - it’s called hostis and as far as i understand it’s a mm enemies to lovers historical romance set in ancient rome. i would pick it up immediately but it’s the first installment in a duology (?) and i’m afraid i’ll have to wait for book two and read them back to back bc if it’s anything like her previous books it’s gonna be very slow burn and i wouldn’t be able to handle any cliffhangers. but who knows, maybe i won’t have enough patience anyway lol. i also just finished dream boy and now want to pick up jim grimsley’s most recent release - the dove in the belly - which sounds like a grittier version of heartstopper👀

4. Most Anticipated Release For Second Half of 2022? definitely fence vol. 5! in the last volume we finally had some skin to skin contact, who knows what depravities the next one will bring😅 there are also a couple of tumblr-adjacent comics i’m excited about: twelve percent dread by emily mcgovern from @emilyscartoons (which actually might be out already🤔) is about the quarter life crisis and working as a tutor in a rich family - both things i’m an expert in - and it’s gotta be hilarious if the snippets the author posted so far are anything to judge by. the dead romans (?) webcomic by @apolinariomabinis is the other one and i’m not so sure about the details but i think the homoerotic cassius/brutus art i’ve been religiously reblogging for the past couple of weeks are actually rejected scenes from a comic which the creator is gonna start posting in july :D

(tbh the og answers to the two previous questions were to paradise by hanya yanagihara and babel by rf kuang but now that i’ve read some early reviews i’m not that excited about these books anymore😬)

5. Biggest Disappointment? fucking vampire chronicles! *deep inhale* so. was anybody going to tell me that anne rice isn’t a good writer or was i just supposed to REread three of her books and find it out myself?? interview with the vampire is passable but underwhelming, the movie is by far superior imo, especially tom cruise’s portrayal of lestat. the vampire lestat is disappointing bc rice was just determined to retcon everything and make lestat a generic chosen one protag. but hey! at least the armand parts were good, right? well ig joke’s on me for picking up the vampire armand only to realize that as soon as rice makes someone a protag their personality is gone. but then, ig it’s true for her writing in general: her character work is just atrocious bc all of them feel the same and if you tune out for a minute and miss the scene change (which i sure did bc these books are boring af) you will never be able to tell you’re reading about different people now. her plots are ridiculous to non existent, her vampire lore gets ever more batshit (derogatory) the further you read and i find her preferred themes of religious guilt etc etc extremely tiresome. her prose is undeniably beautiful but if anything these books will forever be the example i hold up to prove that prose alone can’t carry a story. anyways,, at least it had some high quality smut👌 i just wish i could read it in a book like empire of the vampire instead ugh

6. Biggest Surprise? a density of souls by christopher rice who is, ironically, anne rice’s son😅 based on the blurb i thought it was gonna be some form of dark academia but it starts like one of those 2000s high school movies that are either nostalgic or didn’t age very well and then spirals into a high stakes intergenerational melodrama of massive proportions (the climax involves a freaking hurricane!) and goes to some very juicy taboo places with its characters’ relationships. the cherry on top is the afterword rice wrote for the new edition in which he recounts many a hilarious anecdote about his experience writing this book as a 20yo gay son of a very famous author and which was probably the funniest thing i read this year, all the more amusing for its contrast in tone to the melodramatic novel. another big surprise or ig more of a hidden gem was heart of stone by johannes t. evans which is a historical slice of life mm romance between an adhd vampire and his autistic secretary. (yes, i’m having a vampire themed reading year😁). very cute and wholesome, deliciously slow burn, binged it overnight but was somewhat let down by the ending bc imo the misunderstanding plot device overstayed its welcome and - oh horror! - the smut was fade to black😩 i mean the book’s still good but you can’t tease your readers with homoerotic blood drinking and then not deliver >:(

7. Favorite New Author? this year i read strangers on a train by patricia highsmith and can now safely say she’s one of my favorite authors. absolutely love her approach to thriller which is not about building up a mystery and resolving it in a satisfying way (forget about that lol) but instead about exploring the minds and feelings of her unhinged queercoded poor little meow meow characters. the same goes for philippe besson - i read another one of his “autobiographies” and i suppose if i’d read them in english his writing style would steer on the cringier side but it seems very appropriate in french. very excited to read dîner à montréal now to find out who this frenchman allegedly fucked next👀 i also have high hopes for christopher rice and shirley jackson to become my new favorite authors as soon as i read more books by them :)

8. Newest Favorite Character? murderbot is an aroace icon and “i'm in this picture and i don't like it” kind of relatable BUT phil burbank is a crusty man i can put into the washing machine and spin very fast hehe. also honorable mentions to father konstantin - very cool of katherine arden to write this frollo knock off character and then have him gay kiss unholy demons, 10/10

9. Newest Fictional Crush? marquis jean françois of the blood chastain. would drink from him on three separate nights any time😏 or whatever you need to do to get vampire married in eotv

💕Best Ships💕 an additional question selected and approved by me with the purpose of drawing the booklerina council’s attention to the fact that the framing narrative in empire of the vampire is basically damen/laurent interview with the vampire au which begs for fanfic writers who would go down the path jay kristoff was too cowardly to tread. (unless he plans to go there later in the series in which case i take back all the criticism😅 i do love me a slow burn but as of now book two is nowhere in sight so the point still stands). another fictional love story that stood out to me this year was ofc that of eugenides and attolia. didn’t care for how they got together in the end but the,, “inciting incident” for that relationship was sooo up my alley and the enemies to lovers banter was very good😏

10. Book That Made You Cry? the winter of the witch had all the bittersweet stuff the conclusion to a series should have and so it definitely made me tear up a couple of times but the book that made me cry the most this year was un certain paul darrigrand by philippe besson. life that gets in between two lovers, the dramatic farewells, the scar kissing, the flashforward scene many years in the future in which paul implies he regrets the choices he made way back when... there’s something about the unfulfilled love stories besson tells that makes you think how foolish, if only the characters said this, if only they did this instead, there would’ve been a lovely happy ending - and then you remember that it’s not characters you’re talking about, it’s real life people bc these books are at least inspired by besson’s own life, and so there’s no “what if”, there’s only what they did and where it led them😥

11. Book That Made You Happy? the porn fantasy webcomic for some inexplicable reason known as oglaf makes me very happy. very soothing to watch diverse pansexual cartoon people fuck and make funny jokes😌 the ladies of grace adieu by susanna clark was and the will darling adventures by kj charles (which i’m currently reading) are also a well of positive emotions. but i would be lying if i failed to mention that the bookish experience which is making me the happiest this year is re-reading the lymond chronicles with @starlingshrike🥰

12. Favorite Book Adaptation You Saw This Year? the power of the dog. i’m cheating a bit bc i watched it last year when it came out on netflix but it’s a good adaptation and a good film whereas the few i watched this year did not impress. *cough* heartstopper *cough*

13. Favorite Review You’ve Written This Year? the humongous vampire armand rant i wrote exclusively for katie in our tumblr chat lol

14. Most Beautiful Cover? empire of the vampire uk cover is gorgeous! the art inside the book not so much😬

15. What Books Do You Need To Read By The End of The Year? sighh remember i made a list of top 5 books to read in 2022? half the year is gone and i only finished one of them🙈 with fire and sword is on top of my pile of shame bc i started it all the way back in january and am still only a few chapters in. the other ones are the last two nightrunner books, fire and hemlock and rebecca - let’s hope i manage to read them this year after all, fingers crossed. the tbr pile of shame also includes you love me by caroline kepnes which was already featured on the last year’s mid-year tag🙈🙈 i also want to continue with the murderbot diaries and the queen’s thief as well as give another chance to gideon the ninth. hopefully i’ll also be reading more from the mlm authors i discovered in the recent months: the dove in the belly and dîner à montréal i already mentioned, to those i would add the snow garden by christopher rice which sounds like a very juicy thriller about a “a dark dance of sexual manipulation, twisted retribution, and murderous rage” between a married college professor and his secret student lover. sign. me. in.

i cordially invite @figuringthengsout @counterwiddershins @jimscoffee @fugitoidkry @magpiefngrl @sugarbabywenkexing @fandomreferencepending @pemberlaey @oliviermiraarmstrongs @moonsandstarsaregay @bellaroles @hello-jumping-in-puddles @thehalcyonharbinger to yell at me about the books you guys read this year :D

[xmxisxforxmaybe]

Officer Cutie Pants

Anon Request: Can I do a request on our sweet little detective, where he frisks, cuffs, and has a lot of physical contact with the reader, maybe some light hearted smut at the end? :P

A/N: This became a story, but I hope it still satisfies your request. I tried some third person for a change bc I get bored with “Y/N” and “you.” However, there are some places where I had to use a “Y/N,” but I did try to limit it. Feedback welcome, as always, especially if you are like omg stahhp this is way too much “she/her” and “you” flows better sis👏

WC: 6087

Warnings: Reference to a jackass in a club who doesn’t know what “no” means, minor physical violence of said jackass, SMUT (18+ please)

* * * * *

Mike hides his laugh behind his hand as Baxter’s girlfriend pushes her ass into her boyfriend, grinding back into him as he tries his best to still her hips. His forearms are strained with effort as he holds her at bay.

“Y/N. Get. In. The. Car,” Baxter growls out before adding a quiet, “Please.”

“Youuu are gonna have to cuff meee,” she sings, twirling in his arms and wrapping her hands around his neck. “Andstuffme,” she loudly whispers, causing Mike to laugh as Baxter looks ready to die on the spot.

The night had been a fairly quiet patrol, so when Mike and Baxter got a call for a drunken disturbance outside of a nightclub in their area, they both sat up a little straighter as their adrenaline kicked in. Baxter’s breath hitched as he remembered something, his palms all of a sudden very sweaty; he rubbed them over the starchy fabric of the uniform pants that covered his thighs, and Mike glanced over from the driver’s seat.

“What is it?”

“Y/N is there tonight—I just … I’ve got that feeling. Something’s happened.”

Mike’s foot pressed harder on the accelerator as he flipped on the siren.

“Hey, Mike!” she calls, suddenly aware of his presence. “Bax is bein’ a loatboad of nofun.”

“A loatboad, huh,” Mike says as he walks over, his arms crossing as he looks down from his substantial height of 6’5 at both Baxter and Baxter’s girlfriend.

“I can handle this,” he says, glancing up at Mike before returning his eyes to his girlfriend’s face.

He grasps her wrists and removes her hands from his neck, gently pushing her back. She giggles and leans against the cruiser, her head tilting up to look at the night sky.

She is absolutely drunk off her ass, along with at least three of the five friends she had been partying with.

“I wanna press charges against that bi—”

“Careful, sir,” Mike says, cutting off a guy who is almost the same height as himself, except it looks like this guy currently ran his nose into a doorframe. “You wanna tell me what happened here?”

Mike maneuvers his body to block Baxter from the view of the guy who is now insisting that Bax’s girlfriend assaulted him.

“I’ll tell ya wha’ happened!” she interjects, raising her head from its spot on the car and struggling again.

“Tell me what happened,” Baxter says, moving so that his back is to Mike’s, further distancing her from the man claiming assault.

Her eyes are filled with a wild anger until she realizes her boyfriend is the only thing she can see. She blinks, then grins at him.

“Le’s go downtown, Officer Baxty-Babe. I’ll take my pants off ‘n you can do that thing you do that makes me—”

“Please, please stop, sweetheart. You need to focus and explain what happened, or I am going to have to arrest you. Which means mountains of paperwork,” Baxter explains, moving to try to capture her gaze long enough to hold her attention. “Which means it will be a week before I can do that thing to you again,” he adds in a low voice, pulling a wide smile from her as her bloodshot eyes finally settle on his again.

Staring intently into Baxter’s eyes always makes her feel like she is being scrubbed raw. His eyes look dark in the dim light of the street, but they still hold that same pull that had initially attracted her. She quickly found out that dating a cop was hell, constantly worrying about what might happen to him, and after an initial few months of swearing she was going to break it off, and Baxter showing her why she shouldn’t, she acquiesced and let herself fall ridiculously in love with him.

Which suddenly occurs to her to say.

“Iloveyousomuch,” she gushes, her eyes filling with tears. “You’re so sexy ‘n smart ‘n officery ‘n I jus’ looove you.”

Baxter blinks, a long, slow blink of patience, and releases his grasp on her wrists. He moves his hands to her face and asks her not to cry.

“‘M not cryin’!” she declares, laughing as she flings herself into Baxter’s arms, finally able to make full body contact with him, her hands travelling south to grasp his ass at an incredibly high rate of speed before he snatches up her wrists again.

“Stop!” Baxter says loud enough to make her freeze, the tears she swore she didn’t have in her eyes returning.

“Okay,” she mumbles, stepping back and going slack against the car, so slack that she just keeps sliding until she’s sitting on the ground, her ass suddenly cold as it connects with the asphalt.

Gracie and Kendra move forward to help their friend, but Baxter holds out his hand, stopping them.

With a sigh, he kneels, thankful his girlfriend can’t make any more sudden moves.

“Sweetheart,” he says gently. “Please tell me what happened.”

“Can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Can’t.”

“You can’t remember?”

“I re’mber.”

“Then why can’t you tell me?”

She finally looks up, sniffling but not yet crying.

“You’ll kill ‘em.”

Baxter’s fingers flex as he suddenly realizes he should’ve trusted that feeling in his gut all along. He looks up at Gracie and Kendra, and they are frowning.

“Did you see what happened?”

“Not until after she hit him—but it was for a good reason, Bax,” Kendra answers.

Baxter turns his attention back to his girlfriend.

“If you told the girls, you can tell me, too.”

“Gonna kill him ‘n you’ll lose your job—”

“I am an officer of the law, Y/N,” Baxter says, his voice even and soothing, the exact opposite of how he really felt. “I took an oath to protect and serve. The least I can do is protect the woman I love.”

Gracie hiccups as tears fill her eyes and she softly says, “He won’t kill ‘em—ya gotta tell him anyway.”

Too drunk to have felt Baxter’s shift in demeanor from one of embarrassment to controlled anger, she feels reassured by Gracie’s appeal.  

“Tell me what happened,” Baxter requests again in the same soothing voice, his eyes trained on her face as she looks slightly over his shoulder and into the small crowd that had gathered.  

“We were dancing. ‘N it was fine. All the girls. Guys too. Some guys, couple a guys. Some guys started dancing. Yes. Wasn’t even really payin’ attention, just dancing ‘n then one of em was pullin’ me away, tellin’ me he was taking me home ‘n I said no ‘n he wouldn’ listen so I hit em—just like you taugh’ me,” she finishes, suddenly happy again as her face splits into a wide grin as she mimicks her upward, palm-flat punch toward Baxter’s nose.

He grabs her hand in time to stop her from accidentally hitting him, but this time, instead of restraining her, he presses a kiss to the back of her hand.

“Good girl. Now, can you stay right here for me? Don’t move?”

“I like it here. ‘S comfy,” she says patting the ground and leaning her head to the side.

Baxter’s movement is a blur as he brushes past Mike and starts in on the guy who apparently couldn’t understand the word no.

“Turn around. Put your hands behind your back,” Baxter says as he pulls his cuffs from his belt.

Mike is on immediate alert, ready to back up his partner. He acknowledges the backup officers who had arrived only a moment ago, and they work to push the crowd back.  

“What the fuck, man? I’m the one with the busted nose!”

“I said turn around,” Baxter growls as he steps forward, his eyes fixed on the guy’s face. “In my area, no means no.”

“I never touched her,” the guy says, an edge of panic creeping into his voice as he realizes he’s not going to be able to use the sympathy of a few fellow men. Neither Mike nor Baxter have any tolerance for men who don’t respect women, especially intoxicated and vulnerable ones, although it turned out that this guy’s target was not at all vulnerable.

“It was loud—I didn’t hear her. I swear, Officer,” the guy babbles as he complies to being cuffed, his Adam’s apple bobbing as his eyes dart back and forth

Mike steps forward and hooks Baxter’s elbow, angling him so he could lean down to his ear, “Bargain. Get him to drop the charge against Y/N if we let him off with a misdemeanor disturbance. Guy doesn’t have a record.”

Baxter’s eyes turn up to Mike’s and they are hard, unwavering, but Mike doesn’t look away. Under his partner’s gaze, Baxter’s anger falters and logic takes hold again.

“Interview Y/N’s friends while he cools his heels in the backseat. I’ll check in with the bouncer to make sure he’s never had an issue with the asshole before.”

Mike nods and is once more greeted by a cheer as he approaches Baxter’s girlfriend, a few of her friends joining in this time, making Mike grin and shake his head yet again. Meanwhile, Baxter walks the guy in custody to the backup’s cruiser and puts him in the backseat.

At least she’s okay, he thinks before he begins to clean up this mess of a night.  

*  *  *  *  *

Groaning, Baxter’s girlfriend lifts her head from the mattress between the two pillows she had fallen onto when she passed out. She has a vague recollection of her friends helping her into bed, but at the moment, much of the night was a blur.

Rolling over, she thinks hard.

Dancing. Lots of dancing.

Shots. More shots than dancing.

God, what got into me?

There is a rustling and a few thunks from the kitchen that make her sit up in bed, her heart picking up speed as she listens.

“Hello?” she calls, wondering if Gracie, Kendra, or Eliza had spent the night.

Clutching her blanket to her chest, she holds her breath as heavy footsteps scuffle down the hall.

Baxter appears in the bedroom doorway, a smile on his face and an apology for scaring her on his lips.

“You did scare me! Last night … bit of a blur,” she sighs as she lays back down.

“How much of a blur?” he asks as he moves farther into the room, his hands settling into the pockets of his gray sweats. He still has on his sneakers, and he’s wearing a black, LAPD t-shirt from the 5-k run the county hosted a few weeks ago.

She’s quiet for a moment and then sits up with a gasp, her eyes wide as she begs Baxter to tell her she’s wrong.

“I didn’t … oh my god. Please say I didn’t. That guy’s nose. OH. MY. GOD. I tried to—while you were on duty. Oh god, Bax. I’m so sorry!”

Baxter only smiles a little.

“So you remember it all?”

“The details are a little hazy—what happened to the guy I … bopped?”

“It was a little more than a ‘bop,’” Baxter says, pulling his hands from his pockets to make air quotes.

“I think I may have overreacted,” she says as she bites her lip, realizing that her mouth tastes like a drifter took a bath in it.

“The bouncer corroborated that he got pushy. It’s club policy to kick anyone out that makes physical contact, though. Apparently, you didn’t like that.”

Closing her eyes, she thinks back and remembered issuing quite a string of profanity as the bouncer escorted her out.

“Who called the cops?”

“The guy you slugged. Guess he has a modeling gig next week and no insurance. He wanted the ‘crazy bitch’ who hit him to pay for the damage she caused to his livelihood.”

“He was a model?” she asks, her lip turning up in confused disagreement. “No way.”

“Way,” Bax replies, sitting down gently on the edge of the bed.

Her eyes squint as she thinks hard about what transpired, frowning as she looked to Baxter’s face. It is still fixed in what she calls his “cop face.” His features neutral, his mouth closed and his eyes alert as he waits for her to talk—he has the patience of a saint, which makes him a damn good policeman.

“We were all dancing—a big group of us. The guys came up and pulled a few shots from the floating tray for us. I was feeling pretty stellar by then anyway, but I remember the feeling of his fingers closing over my wrist—tugging me away from the dance floor. I told him I had a boyfriend, but he shrugged. It was that fucking shrug. He pulled on my wrist again, and the rest is a blur—I do remember the way it felt when my palm connected with his nose—shit! I have a bruise!” she exclaims, looking at the bright patch on the heel of her palm.

Baxter’s eyebrow rises and he scoots closer, reaching out to take her hand in his to examine her palm.

“Are you mad at me? I don’t blame you if you are.”

Baxter closes his eyes for a moment, then raises her palm to his lips, pressing gently into the bruise.

“No. I’m not mad, sweetheart.”

“Am I in trouble?”

Baxter chuckles, his lips vibrating against her palm.

“Would I be here about to cook you a big hangover breakfast in my sweats instead of my uniform if you were?”

“I feel like I’ve sullied your sacred uniform,” she says, her grin shy before splitting into one of joy. “Wait—did you say breakfast?”

“Mmhmmm.”

“You are the best boyfriend in the universe!”

“I know. And I also know you will somehow think of a way to repay me for the merciless roasting I took at the station when Mike opened his dumbass mouth.”

“I will kill him. I don’t care how big he is.”

“You’ve clearly proven what a tigress you are,” Baxter replies, his face becoming more open as he relaxes, knowing that his girlfriend really is okay after the ordeal.

“Just you wait,” she says, her headache momentarily forgotten as she darts toward the bathroom.

“I shower … you cook!”

Baxter smiles and shakes his head as he stands and makes his way back to the kitchen.

As soon as the bathroom door shuts and she flicks on the light, she remembers her hangover. Opening the medicine cabinet, she pops a few ibuprofen and scoops up some water from the running faucet. Unable to take the dirty feeling any longer, she brushes her teeth as she turns the shower on and lets it get hot.

About 20 minutes later, she emerges from her bedroom, showered, comfily dressed, and feeling mostly human, to the smell of bacon and coffee.

Baxter is pushing around eggs in her skillet as she walks over to him, bacon on the burner beside the eggs, and another skillet of potatoes sizzling on the back burner. Standing behind him, she pops her chin onto his shoulder and slides her hands into the pockets of his sweatpants.

“You smell good,” Baxter says through a smile that she can only hear.

“So do you,” she purrs as she turns into his neck and nuzzles, enjoying the slight stubble along Baxter’s jawline that meant he had gotten ready in a rush to come and see her.

“Is that so?”

“Shut up,” she bites back playfully, her hands moving to grip his strong thighs from the inside of his pockets. “You know you smell better, look better, and are an infinitely better human than any idiot fuckboy in a club who thinks ‘I have a boyfriend’ is a challenge.”

She feels Baxter chuckle again, and as he steps slightly to the right, she pushes her hands deeper into his pockets, inadvertently exposing a strip of his stomach between his boxer-briefs and his t-shirt.

“Hey—if I get a third degree burn from bacon grease on my junk, I am going to be pissed at you.”

Laughing, she relinquishes her boyfriend and moves to pull down two mugs for coffee.

“You are so sexy, Mister Officer. I can’t help myself—as we clearly learned last night,” she banters back with a slight eyeroll at her own behavior.

“Can I ask you something?”

She puts Baxter’s coffee on the counter closest to where he’s scrambling the eggs, and then leans into the edge before replying, “Of course.”

“Why were you so shitfaced last night? I’ve seen you have a good time, but that seemed … out of character. Or maybe not? I’m just curious.”

“It’s a very legit question, Bax. And you’re right … a little out of character for me.”

Pausing, she takes a sip of her coffee. Baxter turns the burner off for the bacon and moves it from the heat. He turns the potatoes down before running his spatula through them, making sure they don’t burn. Sitting her coffee down, she moves to a cupboard to grab a plate and a few papertowels.

“Sometimes I just want to get fucked up. I wanna not worry for a night. Not overthink. Let the constant yammering in my head take a night off, ya know?”

Baxter nods and asks for two bowls for the scrambled eggs and the potatoes. She moves to the cupboard again and pulls out two white bowls, ones that are just a little bigger than the cereal bowls.

“Any particular worries?”

“Work, always.”

“I feel you on that one,” Baxter replies as he looks around for a serving spoon.

She reads his search and reaches into the drawer to pull one out.

“Toast?” he asks.

“Oh yes. I need all the carbs to quell the queasy.”

As she carries the bacon and eggs to her small in-kitchen table, she says quietly, “And you. Pretty much always.”

Baxter clicks the toaster down and turns to look at his girlfriend, his eyes narrowed and his lips a little tight.

“Me, huh?”

Chewing slightly on the skin behind her lower lip, she crosses to the toaster and leans on the counter opposite of Baxter.

“We talked about this when we first started dating, but I didn’t realize how consuming it would be. I think about the what ifs all the time. I love you. What would I do if—"

“Hey, hey,” Baxter says, cutting her off as he moves into her body, his hands coming up to cup her face.

In return, she slides her arms around his waist, her fingers moving under his t-shirt to touch the bare skin of his back.

Baxter and Y/N look at each other for a long moment before he closes the distance and kisses her, his lips forming perfectly against hers in a tender moment of genuine affection.

When Baxter pulls back, he holds her gaze as he says, “Imagine how I felt hearing that call come in for a club I knew you were at. When I saw you standing outside, I thought I was gonna be sick.”

She looks into Baxter’s eyes, and then both of them jump as the toaster pops, both of them uttering a soft giggle.

Bax presses a quick kiss to her forehead before pulling the toast out and setting it on a plate. She lines herself up behind him again and kisses between his shoulder blades over his t-shirt.

“Let’s both try to worry less.”

“I’m more concerned for any … what did you call him? Idiot fuckface?”

“Boy,” Y/N says, laughing. “Idiot fuckboy.”

“Fuckboy who tries to steal you away.”

“Never, ever gonna happen.”

“Even though I make you worry, like, all the time?”

“You’re worth it—you just may have to answer a few more what are they called? 213s?”

Baxter laughs, his teeth flashing, “Shit, sweetheart. If I had to answer a 213 for you, I think that would be the end of our relationship.”

“What’s a 213?”

“Use of illegal explosives.”

“Oh! Well, then. Nevermind. What’s the whatever I was code?”

“You came in as a 415 and a probable 390.”

“Oooh two codes! Yay me!”

Baxter is still smiling as he sits down catty-corner from his girlfriend.

“A drunken disturbance—pretty typical for a club call. Sorry to disappoint.”

After scooping half of the scrambled eggs onto her plate, she looks at Baxter with sincerity and says, “Thank you for not arresting me.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong—technically.”

“I’m still thankful.”

“And you’re still gonna repay me,” Baxter says, his voice low and his eye shutting with an exaggerated wink.

Laughing, she shakes her head as she takes a big bite of eggs and reaches for the bacon.

“I’m more inclined to fuck you into next week for making this amazing breakfast.”

Baxter’s lips pull down in an exaggerated frown as he shrugs before declaring, “Or we could read this as two separate thank-yous from the tigress. She can feel free to make an appearance whenever she likes.”

“As if I need a reason, Bax.”

Their eyes meet for a moment before Baxter clears his throat, grinning as he tucks into his breakfast.

Conversation flows easily between the two of them, and soon enough, both are leaning back in their chairs, sipping the last dregs of their coffee.

“How’s your hangover?”

“Mostly cured, I believe,” his girlfriend says from over the rim over her mug.

“You going to the gym?”

Baxter shrugs, his fingers drumming on the table.

“In that case,” she says, standing up slowly from her chair, “I think we oughta treat ourselves to a lazy day … in bed.”

“I like … the sound of that,” Baxter replies slowly, taking his girlfriend’s proffered hand. “I did have a really long night. Some drunk broad came on to me while I was arresting her.”

She spins around, feigning offense, and Baxter laughs, his hands whipping to her sides to tickle her. She bats at him and speeds down the hallway to her bedroom, pausing to turn only to be met with a body full of her boyfriend as he tackles her onto the bed.

Still laughing, they look at each other for a moment as their smiles quietly slip into an intense kiss. They both taste like coffee and bacon, their shared meal a reminder of their shared lives.

Baxter settles between her legs, his growing hardness evident through the forgiving material of his sweatpants.

She is dressed only in sleep shorts and a thin t-shirt, so when she pushes her hips into his, she moans at the friction when he bucks back into her.

Baxter’s lips kiss at her chin before he nudges her jaw up by tangling one strong hand in her hair and pulling.

Her lips part with a silent sigh as he kisses down her neck, soft, slow, long kisses where he presses the whole of his full lips against her skin before moving down a fraction to repeat the action. The feeling of his lips on her skin has always driven her wild and today is no exception.

She knows she’s already wet, but she doesn’t want to be needy for him. She keeps thinking back to Baxter’s banter in the kitchen and wondering if it really did hide an insecurity: perhaps he needs some reassurance that he is the sexiest man she has ever been with, that no “model” will ever turn her head when she knows she is coming home to Baxter. Her drunken teasing last night outside of the club meant nothing; she was out of her mind.

But right now—right now, she is here and more than willing to show him how important he is to her.

With a growl, she pushes at Baxter’s shoulders causing him to look up with heavy, confused eyes. With every ounce of lust she feels, she flips Baxter over and straddles him, thrusting her hands in his hair and mimicking his earlier tug of her own head.

“I want you.”

Pulling even tighter on his thick curls, she flattens along his body and starts to nip along his jaw, the stubble chaffing her lips and scratching against her teeth as she mouths at him before moving down his neck.

She licks along the strong muscle and settles into the indentation between the muscle and his windpipe to suck at little patches of skin, not hard enough to leave a mark, but hard enough for Baxter to shiver as he wonders if it will.

She works her way down to the exposed skin at the neck of his t-shirt, pulling on the fabric with her teeth before sitting up so she can maneuver him out of it.

Baxter lays back slowly, propped on his elbows as his girlfriend swirls her hips against his bulge. His mouth falls open and a sigh escapes as she pushes him down again.

He’s fit; his lean muscles standing out enough to make her lick her lips in appreciation and run her hands over his pecs, kneading them before lightly pinching his nipples into stiff peaks. He’s sensitive, everywhere, which always makes their time in the bedroom all the more satisfying.

She flattens her body along his again, his cock now pressing into her stomach as she leans down to kiss across his chest, moving to his right nipple to pinch it between her teeth.

Bax moans and reaches to run his fingers through her hair, pushing it out of the way so he can see her lips on his skin.

Flicking her tongue, she plays with his nipple before moving to the left one to repeat her ministrations, her right hand back to kneading that strong muscle before sliding up to his shoulder and back again.

He has soft skin, mottled with freckles that make her want to kiss them all every time she sees them and a thin smattering of hair on his chest that scratches lightly against her lips as she continues to kiss his chest before following his happy trail to his stomach.

Humming in the back of her throat with pleasure, her tongue swirling through the trail of softer hair, Baxter can barely control his hips. They are desperately trying to rut against her body, and she has a strong feeling he doesn’t even know he’s doing it.

Sitting up slightly, she places her hands on his hips and pushes down.

“Behave for me or you’ll spoil all the fun.”

Baxter looks down, his face the perfect picture of debauchery: cheeks flushed, eyes heavy, and indentations on his bottom lip where he’s been biting.

He blinks, long and slow as if coming out of a fog, then huffs out a tiny laugh, his hands moving up to run through his hair before settling behind his head.

Her eyes trail over the way his biceps flex and she can’t help but reach into the course hairs of his underarms, scratching just enough to make him twitch before she smirks and returns her hands to his stomach.

Moving her body lower, she’s straddling his lower thighs now, Baxter’s thick cock clearly visible beneath the grey fabric, and at this point, she’s barely able to stop herself from stripping and mounting him on the spot.

But she wants him to know how much she needs him and from this angle, he can watch her face, also flushed with swollen lips from kissing his torso, fill with an unabashed desire as she grasps the bulge of his dick.

Slowly, she squeezes, not quite wrapping her hand all the way around his covered length, but pressing into him and sliding upward, jerking him off in the most teasing manner she can manage until a spot of precum leaks through his underwear and stains the grey of his sweats an even darker grey.

“Fuck, sweetheart. You’re killing me,” Baxter mumbles as his big blue eyes are flicking between her hand and her face, almost begging but not quite.

She takes hold of the waistband of his sweats and works them over his hips, Baxter lifting his ass off the mattress to help.

They repeat the process for his underwear, but she scoots down the bed to tug his clothes off. After pulling his socks off, too, she scratches her nails along the bottoms of his feet, making him jerk again, his face grinning as she pinches the big toe on each foot.

“So sensitive,” she breathes, her voice sultry.

She runs her fingers through the thick but soft curls of his leg hair, sliding them up and over his knees, slowing down only to push his thighs apart so his entire package is on display.

He’s so pretty, perfectly proportioned, and she reaches out with both hands to lightly grasp each testicle. She plays with the soft skin and watches Baxter’s cock jump as she applies more pressure, switching his balls to one hand so she can give them a good squeeze.

She takes the base of his dick in her other hand and very lightly begins to stroke him, once again watching the way her boyfriend responds to her touch and feeling the ache in her pussy which has become so pronounced that it feels like its throbbing in time with her heartbeat.

Sliding the thumb of her hand that was playing with his balls beneath them, she presses her thumb into his perineum and begins to move in firm, tiny circles, massaging him until his thighs are twitching and his chest’s rise and fall quickens.

She bends over now to take the tip of Baxter’s cock in her mouth, licking the precum from his slit first before closing over his head and lightly sucking. She slides her mouth over him, taking as much of his shaft as she can until Baxter begins to breathlessly plead.

“Stop—stop. I want to come inside your pussy.”

As if she couldn’t get wetter, the way Baxter’s mouth moves as he pleads sends a fresh wave of arousal to her center.

“Ride me, please. Wanna watch you.”

With a quiet groan at his words, she slides off the bed and strips out of her clothes. Baxter’s head turns to watch and he licks his lips before pulling on his worn, bottom lip, doing that thing that always makes her feel like a teenager again, crushing on the cutest boy she’d ever seen.  

Baxter shifts on the bed, adding another pillow behind him so he’s sitting up a bit more as his girlfriend straddles his hips. Still holding herself over him, she reaches between her legs and slides her fingers through her slickness.

Holding them up, coated in the evidence of her arousal, she murmurs, “Look at what you do to me, Bax,” before slipping them into her mouth.

“Kiss me,” he says, his eyes trained on her lips as she removes her fingers, the intensity of his gaze a bare beacon of his desire to taste her.

Leaning forward, she braces her palm on his chest as she kisses him, and with her other hand, she maneuvers his dick to her entrance, sliding down onto him, pulling his groan of satisfaction into her own mouth as she deepens the kiss.

“You feel so good,” she groans out as she breaks the kiss and stills her hips so she can just bask in the sensation of being filled up by the gorgeous man underneath her.

“So fucking good,” he answers.

After grabbing onto a fist full of dark curls and tilting his face up, she gives him a wicked smile as she starts to move, rising up and falling down at a teasingly slow pace.

She loves the feeling of control, but what she really loves is watching the way Baxter’s mouth falls open as he pants out his pleasure, his hands sliding over her hips and reaching up to grasp her breasts. He pulls on her nipples before he lets his hands fall to her hips again, silently encouraging her to bounce on his cock before asking again.

“Fuck me. Show me how much you want me.”  

All teasing is dispatched with as the room fills with the sounds of their pants and moans, both of them lost in the bliss of good sex between people who know what their partner likes and what their partner needs.

Her clit is swollen, aching for his touch and as he nears his orgasm she waits, patient, wanting him to come inside of her, wanting him to get lost in his own pleasure.

Baxter’s hand slides around and tries to touch her, but she grasps both of his hands and brings them to her breasts, squeezing them with him as she grinds into him, swirling her hips before rising and falling, repeating the motion until she can tell he’s about to come because his chest is red and when she steadies herself with one hand over his heart, she can feel it beating hard.

His hips buck up erratically into hers as his lips purse with an exhaled breath and he begins to groan, his face twisted into a magnificent ecstasy as he lets go, his hot cum shooting thickly all over her inner walls, the feeling something she would struggle to explain but nonetheless it’s a feeling that causes her eyes to close at the intimacy of it.

His heartbeat is slowing as she opens her eyes, unable to stop her smug grin at the way she’s left him damn-near cross-eyed after coming for her, but as he begins to wiggle out of her body, it’s clear he knows she needs him, really needs him, so Baxter pulls her to him as he flips her onto her back and quickly moves to between her thighs.

He admires his handywork for a moment, his thick fingers playing in their mixed arousal before he latches onto her clit and sucks. He glances up and her head is thrown back as her hands grasp her breasts; she looks like a goddess to Baxter as she pulls on her nipples and bites her lip, finally giving herself over to his mouth.

He releases the pressure and flicks his tongue rapidly over her clit before sucking again, this time, his suction pulling out her orgasm in a near-violent wave of release as his name echoes off the walls of her bedroom.

Baxter licks lightly at her clit, coaxing her down until her thighs press against his face, signaling him to stop. He presses a kiss to her mound, then to her stomach, right beneath her belly button before he presses a final kiss to her sternum and lays flat, his head nestled between her breasts.

She reaches down and swipes at the sweat along his hairline, running her hands gently through his hair.

“Mmm. Mmhmm,” Baxter sounds, and she can see his eyes are closed, his dark lashes resting prettily along the skin beneath his eyes.

“I think that was the best cure for a hangover I’ve ever had.”

“Not the bacon? Or potatoes?” he mumbles.

“No—definitely just you. You are the ultimate cure for a hangover.”

“Box me up and sell me. We’ll never have to work again.”

“Like I would ever fucking share that with any other human on earth. You’re mine, Officer Cutie Pants.”

Baxter laughs, his breath a warm puff across her skin. He twists his position, his chin now resting on her chest so he can smile at her, his eyes crinkling in the corners.

“I’ll be only yours as long as you’ll be only mine.”  

“Hmm,” she replies, pressing her lips together in mock-thought. “I think forever sounds like a good amount of time.”

“Forever it is,” Baxter answers, pushing up to lean over her face, his kiss full of a gentle, loving warmth.  

* * * * *

Our fancy bean never wears sweats, so this is all I’ve got for reference material:

Special thanks to @sherlollydramoine for nurturing my muse at 2 am 💞 

Tags: @ramimedley @clumsybookworm18 @r-ahh-mi​ @aboutthatmelancholystorm​ @alottanothing @sherlollydramoine @txmel @diasimar @hah0106 @flipper-kisses @rami-malek-trash @ramisgirl512​ @dancing-disco-deacy @just-a-queen-bee @eightiesriot @s-k-y-w-a-l-k-e-r @breadnbutternips

[anextraordimarylife]

My Take on Le Coup de Foudre

Warning!! This post contains the massivest of spoilers of this drama! Please enter this post with caution!!

Just yesterday, I finished this wonderfully, slow-burning, and wholesome Chinese called called Le Coup de Foudre, which means Love at First Sight in French. This drama was based off of the light novel I Don’t Like the World, I Only Like You, so you can already tell that there will be a solid foundation for the drama. After watching countless heartbreaking and devastating dramas, Le Coup de Foudre was a perfect watch to break into the summer binge. Buckle your seat belts because you are in for a long review!

As a person who has transcended from Korean drama land to Chinese dramas just a year ago, I knew that there will be a fresher beginning from how the drama began: the couple’s fate already being determined. I LOVED THAT PART. You can expect a happy ending from the start! It may be cheesy, but I felt reassured that the characters were guaranteed an ending they deserved. These types of details are seriously what set this drama a part from the others. Their happy ending made you even MORE intrigued of their journey to get there. cue the awes :’)

The overarching plot of this beautiful drama is the loop of loops called the love story of YanMo and QiaoYi (⺣◡⺣)♡ They met through the awkwardest means: QiaoYi was the one that chose to sit beside YanMo to avoid sitting next to the grossest guy in their class. Her choice on being his deskmate was a big deal since he was “(their) math course representative, got first place on the whole grade, and was the apple of the teachers’ eyes” and QiaoYi was all that YanMo wasn’t, meaning she was one of the last people in their grade. But what I loved about QiaoYi was that she worked hard to get better at school even when her classmates didn’t believe in her improvement. I think this was the first moment where I saw her true character, and that there was more to her than I thought. I rarely get to see this in the chinese school arcs, so I thought it was so so school!! Anyways, back to their love story. I believe that through knowing her determination to improve, YanMo AND the audience began falling for our soft, kind-hearted female protagonist. As the episodes progress, you can spot how much YanMo tries to get QiaoYi’s attention by getting her a coke, dressing up for their meetups, and helping her with the math lessons. The tiny things like these made their love story so realistic since YanMo still held onto his shy and reserved personality while stepping out of his comfort zone slightly just for her, which is a huge deal for him. The whole Britain exchange student and QiaoYi’s dad’s plotline really brought this drama onto another level. QiaoYi’s intentions on not going to Britain and YanMo’s want for her to come with him held very strong reasons, which made it SUPER HARD to pick a side. Sadly, this became the end of their school arc :( When their school arc began to carry over to their adulthood arc, I was on the edge of my seat each time they mentioned each other’s names and their past. DON’T GET ME FREAKING STARTED ON WHEN THEY STAYED IN THE SAME APARTMENT DON’T START! Their reunion at the TV Station made my heart stop. Although I saw it in the first episode, I felt when I saw the scene again, I was glad that my connection to them was built strongly, which made the scene 10x more meaningful (for me). As the drama moved on with QiaoYi quitting her job to go to Beijing, I realized that was a huge move for her. GO HER! I don’t think I would’ve ever found the courage to do that. Their interactions that happened until their confession episode was FREAKING WORTH THE BLOOD,SWEAT,ANDTEARS!!!! The writers did an incredible job pacing their relationship afterwards as well. I’m so glad that we were able to get 35 episodes to get a fully developed love story to occur. This drama definitely hit one of my top three dramas of all time (yes it’s that gooodddd)

Moments and Details that Made me Love the Drama EVEN MORE

Zhao Guanhao and QiaoYi’s sibling dynamic ( three words for it: wholesome, empowering, and iconic)

QiaoYi’s cute and sweet friendship with Hao WuYi. When they both made up by wearing red uniforms was HONESTLY the cutest thing in the planet.

ZHAO GUANCHAO AND HAO WUYI’S LOVE STORY (a super romantic side love story to the main!! you would think it would be bland BUT NO SHISTER NO IT ISNT!! my sister even thought it was better than the main plotline, which i obviously disagreed with)

(YanMo’s uncle, which was super hilarious to find that out) FEI DACHUAN’s loyalty to his friends and his big heart. His rough exterior would make you think he’s scary and a delinquent, but his perseverance to their tech company and QiaoYi made his character get much more flavor!!

YanMo’s (fake and genuine) smile (▰˘◡˘▰) What I loved the best about this was that QiaoYi is the only one that sees both of these hehe

YanMo’s mom (loved how she was NOT a bitch at all which was SO DIFFERENT!!)

Zhao Suying’s and Tian Weimin’s connection with their children. You would believe that a stepfather would be a complete jerk to his stepchildren, but NO NO SIS. Weimin’s determination to be a part of his step-children’s lives really gives me hope for guys oml. Especially when he worked to get QiaoYi’s approval when he just married her mom. Also the detail of actually having a stepfather was really unique bc I don’t really see that in the dramaworld. Last but not least, Weimin and Suying’s love for each other was adorable without a doubt. I was never bored with their scenes :)))

THE ICONIC CAMP SCENE WHEN YANMO GOT DRUNK: Holyshit I peed laughing at him so much LMAO

DOLLAR AND GRANDPA: The dogs of Le Coup de Foudre aka the realest matchmakers of the drama

When QiaoYi’s MoLi doll got a partner doll (which was supposed to be YanMo) when they grew up!!

The ending part when YanMo answered QiaoYi’s question of “How is Your High School Love Now?” to “She’s my wife and she’s sleeping beside me.” (my heart and world shattered and ROSE COLORS FILLED IT WHEN THIS HAPPENED)

The compilation of all of their post-wedding moments: really answered so many questions to the plot holes from their childhood HEEHE

The youtube specials they have!! I didn’t realize they had this until I almost finished the drama, so go check it out if you want more moments between them (especially YanMo being jealous!!!)

Last BUT NOT LEAST! When YanMo knew from the beginning that their first meeting was not their actual first connection.

To finally close this review, I would like to say that this drama changed my view on so many things. I hope that you relate to some of my favorite moments (to those who finished it), and that this drama made you feel things as well. Also, I’m definitely going to watch this one again, ngl it might be tonite lol

This was my first #maryspeaks post, and I hope you loved it!! Make sure to check out my future posts too!!

[nnegan13]

lil gift for paige (@air-bison-yip-yip) ily girl 

textfic, on ao3 here 

set in college!AU, if everyone feels kinda OOC its cuz I personally feel like people are different when they’re texting than when they’re interacting irl so sorry if it feels off lmao it’s still fun if you overlook that part aha 

also the formatting is different bc if I did it the same way I usually do texts in fic this would’ve been So Much Harder 

anyways enjoy!!! 

— 

Martino Rametta to entirely dead inside: head count please 

Eva Brighi: sadly, awake 

Sana Allagui: silvia and fede are still sleeping 

Luchino: Marti Elia says that if you don’t stop turning the lights on and off he’s going to fucking kill you

Luchino: and gio and Sofia are missing 

Eva Brighi: Sofia? 

Sana Allagui: nice 

Martino Rametta: nico’s with me 

Martino Rametta: eyes on ele? 

Eva Brighi: bathroom 

Sana Allagui: someone go tell her not to puke too hard cause I had to clean up last time and I don’t wanna do that again

Eva Brighi: she says fuck you 

Sana Allagui: delightful

— 

Edoardo Incanti to Eleonora Sava: heard you had quite the night 

Eleonora Sava: remind me to never do college again 

Edoardo Incanti: i thought you liked all the higher education shit 

Edoardo Incanti: ya know 

Edoardo Incanti: learning things so you can make ur mark on the world 

Edoardo Incanti: all that sentimental shit 

Eleonora Sava: fuck sentiment 

Eleonora Sava: can you call the police on a university? the school’s trying to kill me 

— 

Giovanni Garau to Eva Brighi: what do you want for breakfast 

Eva Brighi: you’re an angel 

Eva Brighi: but it’s almost noon just come back we’re getting lunch 

— 

Luchino to fede text when u wake up we went to get pizza: turns out I was wrong gio and Sofia weren’t missing 

Luchino: just gio 

Luchino: does anyone actually remember Sofia leaving the party last night? 

Luchino: anyways gio’s back 

Luchino: chicco and edo say they’ll be here in five 

Eva Brighi: shit we’ve left 

Luchino: you did? 

Elia Santini: do you pay attention to anything? 

Elia Santini: anything at all 

Elia Santini: sofia didn’t even come last night ffs 

Elia Santini: they fucking changed the name of the chat dude 

— 

Sana Allagui to Eleonora Sava: when ur done we’re downstairs 

Sana Allagui: please hurry up some of us are starving 

Eleonora Sava: why did you let me drink so much ur supposed to stop this stuff 

Sana Allagui: ur very persuasive when you want to be  

Sana Allagui: are you hurrying or are you just ignoring me now 

Sana Allagui: I’m sending edo to get you 

— 

Sana Allagui to Edoardo Incanti: how long does it take to wrangle your girlfriend 

Edoardo Incanti: not my girlfriend 

Edoardo Incanti: and don’t fucking say stuff like that you’ll give me ideas 

Sana Allagui: so she’s as slow at getting with you as she is at getting dressed? 

Edoardo Incanti: fuck off 

Sana Allagui: I’m hungry, charms 

— 

Edoardo Incanti to Fede Canegallo: when are you taking ur test 

Fede Canegallo: why 

Fede Canegallo: need me out of the apartment or smth? 

Fede Canegallo: miss sava coming over? 

Edoardo Incanti: dick 

Edoardo Incanti: i guess you aren’t coming to pizza then  

Fede Canegallo: you don’t even care 

Fede Canegallo: you can just take ele now 

Edoardo Incanti: there’s nine other people with us 

Fede Canegallo: you’d still get down then n there if you were given the chance  

— 

Eva Brighi to Fede Canegallo: edo says he’s disowning you 

Eva Brighi: what toppings do you like on ur pizza 

— 

Eleonora Sava to Giovanni Garau: did i leave my shit at yours 

Eleonora Sava: please say yes 

Giovanni Garau: yeah its here 

Giovanni Garau: [pic] 

Eleonora Sava: blessings from above 

Eleonora Sava: are you joining us or no? 

Eleonora Sava: Eva says to send you the tongue emoji but I’m not feeling nasty today 

Eleonora Sava: she’d send you one herself but she’s got pizza grease on her fingers and doesn’t want to get her phone dirty 

Giovanni Garau: tell her that’s sexy of her 

— 

Edoardo Incanti to Eleonora Sava: it’s rude to text at the table 

Eleonora Sava: desperate times, mr. hypocrite 

Edoardo Incanti: who’s getting ur table manners so wonky 

Eleonora Sava: wouldn’t you like to know 

Edoardo Incanti: i would, yes 

Eleonora Sava: ur no fun 

Eleonora Sava: just gio, I left my stuff at his this morning

Eleonora Sava: and I’m worried that if I go back to get it I’ll be roped into another midterms drinking game like last night 

Eleonora Sava: he’s not exactly being the most helpful right now 

Edoardo Incanti: want me to get them for you? 

Eleonora Sava: my knight in shining armor 

Eleonora Sava: don’t you have your own midterms to studying for? I don’t want to take time away from that 

Edoardo Incanti: its nbd 

Edoardo Incanti: how bout this 

Edoardo Incanti: I’ll get ur books and you come study at mine and make sure I actually get shit done instead of playing fifa all night 

Eleonora Sava: deal

Eleonora Sava: wait if I rat you out for playing video games instead of joining us last night can we still do that or no  

— 

Eva Brighi to *plays Baby K even harder*: @chicco @edo @fede ur all the WORST 

Eva Brighi: fifa instead of drinks? 

Eva Brighi: I’m appalled I really am 

Edoardo Incanti: who knew appalled was even in ur vocabulary 

Edoardo Incanti: and why are you texting about this we’re all here 

Eva Brighi: fede isn��t and I want to express my anger at all 3 of you at the same time 

Chicco Rodi: when fifa calls it calls 

Federico Canegallo: doesn’t make it sound better chicco 

Federico Canegallo: nd some of us like having working brains to get through midterms with 

Eva Brighi: who are you and what have you done with fede 

Federico Canegallo: fuck off Eva

Edoardo Incanti: its true high school fede would be ashamed 

Elia Santini: last week fede would be ashamed 

Elia Santini: I’m ashamed 

— 

Eleonora Sava to Edoardo Incanti: eva’s reading my texts over my shoulder I’m sorry 

Eleonora Sava: please let me study at urs they haven’t killed you yet 

Eleonora Sava: I will spam you with pleases until you say yes 

Edoardo Incanti: are you done eating 

Edoardo Incanti: lets just go now 

— 

Sana Allagui to we’ve reached 40 days and 40 nights in relationships wilderness ladies and germs: barrage of obnoxious texts? 

Silvia Mirabella: they’re leaving to go study 

Silvia Mirabella: both of them are too straight laced to actually think of doing otherwise 

Silvia Mirabella: leave ‘em be 

Sana Allagui: they left pizza early 

Sana Allagui: and now we only have one car to get back 

Sana Allagui: chicco’s not going to let me DJ so what’s even the point anymore 

Sana Allagui: it’s what they deserve

Chicco Rodi: when did I say that 

Giovanni Garau: i’m coming n I’m bringing my car don’t get ur panties in a twist 

Sana Allagui: stop thinking about my panties gio 

Giovanni Garau: ffs 

Elia Santini: Sana i’m behind you 

Sana Allagui: many thanks 

Federico Canegallo: I’ve filled my obnoxious quota earlier I’m too tired to do anything else 

Martino Rametta renamed the group what happened to having a working brain fede? 

Eva Brighi: Marti you shit 

Eva Brighi renamed the group we’ve made it to 40 days and 40 nights in relationship wilderness ladies and germs 

Eva Brighi: literally the only established rule of this chat is that we only change the name to keep track of the days 

Martino Rametta: this is exhausting 

— 

Chicco Rodi to Rocco Martucci: do you have the chat muted

Rocco Martucci: sorry who is this? 

— 

Eleonora Sava to Eva Brighi: Eva 

Eleonora Sava: Eva I’m struggling 

Eva Brighi: you left pizza early to go study with edo I am not speaking to you 

Eleonora Sava: evaaaaaa 

— 

Eva Brighi removed Eleonora Sava from Le MAT&T 

Eva Brighi: ele WILL try to thirst text you today do not answer her 

Eva Brighi added Eleonora Sava to Le MAT&T 

Eleonora Sava: sorry what the fuck was that for

Silvia Mirabella: no you don’t get to protest you’ve abandoned us 

Silvia Mirabella: go study miss sava I’m disappointed in you, frankly

— 

Eleonora Sava to Federica Caciotti: are you guys at gio’s 

Eleonora Sava: Fede? 

—

Federico Canegallo to Giovanni Garau: how’s it going over there 

Giovanni Garau: we don’t have dumb sticks up our asses and aren’t studying so it’s going well 

Federico Canegallo: Eva if I wanted to talk to you I would’ve texted you 

Federico Canegallo: give gio the phone 

— 

Eva Brighi to Federico Canegallo: fuck you 

— 

Eleonora Sava to Sana Allagui: are you guys at gio’s 

Sana Allagui: ERROR 404: The person you are trying to reach is not available. Check your connection and try again later. 

— 

Sana Allagui to Le MAT&T: [screenshot] 

Sana Allagui: and here we have the rare procrastinating ele sava in her natural habitat 

Eva Brighi: what a beautiful creature 

Federica Caciotti: truly moving to see such majesty in nature 

Silvia Mirabella: i can’t believe you’ve captured her on record 

Eleonora Sava: I know you’re all sitting in the same room laughing at each other 

Eleonora Sava: I’m never speaking to you again

—

Federico Canegallo to Edoardo Incanti: so are you guys still studying 

Federico Canegallo: or are you fucking now

Federico Canegallo: because if you’re fucking I’m not gonna come home 

Edoardo Incanti: 1. you’re a piece of shit 

Edoardi Incanti: 2. did you text me thinking that I would respond if we were fucking? 

Federico Canegallo: I mean its been a couple hours since I left so I was just making sure it was cool to come back 

Federico Canegallo: typically people don’t fuck for entire afternoons on end so 

Edoardo Incanti: please stop saying we’re fucking 

Federico Canegallo: so you’re not? 

Edoardo Incanti: i’m not going to answer that  

Edoardo Incanti: go to gio’s tho she’s moved past procrastinating and gets annoyed if you interrupt her 

—

Martino Rametta to Eleonora Sava: nico is wondering if we can use your pasta 

Eleonora Sava: will you be following a recipe 

Martino Rametta: i’m not gonna lie to you that was an ask permission after the fact kind of thing 

Martino Rametta: it is edible tho if you want to have some when you get home 

Martino Rametta: when will that be? 

— 

Eleonora Sava to Edoardo Incanti: what are you doing for dinner 

Edoardo Incanti: i think talking in person about this isn’t violating the rules 

Eleonora Sava: it is 

Eleonora Sava: I can text and study at the same time and therefore I’m still studying and therefore we have to stay in separate rooms 

Edoardo Incanti: you can be really obnoxious sometimes 

Eleonora Sava: it’s a talent 

Eleonora Sava: welcome to studying with me 

Edoardo Incanti: ok you’re getting crabby 

Eleonora Sava: rude 

Edoardo Incanti: we’re officially done studying for the moment 

Eleonora Sava: ok official means two party consent 

Eleonora Sava: I did not consent to stop studying 

Edoardo Incanti: acknowledged and overruled 

Edoardo Incanti: i’m coming to you don’t flip ur shit 

— 

Chicco Rodi to someone get milk I haven’t been able to eat cereal in four days and i’m dying: [pic] 

Chicco Rodi: Spotted! Edoardo Incanti out getting saucy with Eleonora Sava when they both said they’d be studying. Maybe they can use their combined genius to turn their ‘break’ into a ‘date.’ xoxo Gossip Girl 

Edoardo Incanti: fuck off man 

Federico Canegallo: edo all you have to do to make this stop 

Federico Canegallo: is stop being a fucking coward and tell her how you feel  

— 

Chicco Rodi to Eva Brighi: edo and ele are at that greek stand by the conservatory 

Eva Brighi: how dare they get gyros without me 

Eva Brighi: what are you doing there 

Chicco Rodi: not getting gyros bc now I have to spy on them 

Eva Brighi: unfortunate 

Chicco Rodi: the things I do for them 

Eva Brighi: what, exactly, are you doing for them 

Chicco Rodi: ur getting too hung up on the details 

—

Elia Santini to *plays Baby K even harder*: drinks tonight? 

Martino Rametta: some of us value our livers 

Eleonora Sava: and our grades 

Eva Brighi: if you value ur grades so much 

Eleonora Sava: don’t say it 

Eva Brighi: why aren’t you studying rn? 

Eva Brighi: mm? 

Elia Santini: again, drinks tonight? 

Elia Santini: bueller? bueller? 

Luchino: I’m in 

Chicco Rodi: @elia we’re gonna try to play that one game from New Girl tonight 

Giovanni Garau: i fucking love new girl 

Federica Caciotti: doesn’t that revolve around American politicians 

Chicco Rodi: historical figures, please 

Chicco Rodi: and yes 

Federica Caciotti: interesting 

Sana Allagui: I’m coming just to watch you guys be confused 

Edoardo Incanti: when is this starting 

Chicco Rodi: may or may not be four drinks in 

Edoardo Incanti: is2g 

— 

Eleonora Sava to Giovanni Garau: is anyone at urs rn? I need a quiet place to study 

Giovanni Garau: no 

Giovanni Garau: why don’t you go home? 

Eleonora Sava: Eva will yell at me 

Eleonora Sava: and edo forgot one of my books there earlier when he picked them up I’m sorry 

Giovanni Garau: ok i’m leaving right now 

Giovanni Garau: door’s unlocked but please be quick our neighbor will steal everything we own  

Eleonora Sava: eva’s right you are an angel 

—

Federico Canegallo to Edoardo Incanti: are you coming home or nah 

Edoardo Incanti: went to gio’s to study 

Edoardo Incanti: back later 

Federico Canegallo: do you even need to study this much for the one test you still have 

Federico Canegallo: I don’t understand you 

—

Edoardo Incanti to Eva Brighi: ele is exhausted please don’t yell at her when she gets upstairs 

Eva Brighi: … 

Eva Brighi: fine 

Eva Brighi: but only cuz you said please 

— 

Eva Brighi renamed the group 41 days and 41 nights in relationship wilderness ladies and germs 

— 

Eva Brighi to Eleonora Sava: Marti wants to know if you want anything for breakfast he and Nico are going out 

Eva Brighi: he also called me lazy for not getting off the couch to ask you in person 

Eva Brighi: will you yell at him for that pls 

— 

Silvia Mirabella to *plays Baby K even harder*: drinks here tonight for those of us who are feeling reckless or actually are done with midterms 

Silvia Mirabella: starting at 21 but we’re getting Thai at 19 if anyone wants to join 

Chicco Rodi: can u be both? 

Silvia Mirabella: yea that’s allowed 

Chicco Rodi: sick 

Elia Santini: if we want Thai but don’t feel like actually going to the Thai place 

Silvia Mirabella: no 

— 

Silvia Mirabella sent a link to silvietta.sil, profile on PayPal to Le MAT&T: fund drinks for tonight pls and thanks  

Federica Caciotti renamed the group Le Mom’s not buying the booze anymore 

Silvia Mirabella: funny 

Federica Caciotti sent a link to federicarica, profile on PayPal: fund my career launch into comedy pls and thanks 

— 

Federico Canegallo to do NOT speak to me about the scooter: fifa tourney @ 15? 

Elia Santini: ye 

Giovanni Garau: taking my last midterm but I can be there at like 16:30 

Federico Canegallo: lame 

Chicco Rodi: will I actually get to play today sir 

Luchino: sounds good 

Rocco Martucci: do any of you actually go to class 

Elia Santini: @chicco @rocco no

Chicco Rodi: fuck you @elia

Martino Rametta: same with gio but Nico says he’ll be there at 15 

Martino Rametta: he’s wondering if you’ll have snacks or no 

Federico Canegallo: tell the little fucker he can die before eating all of my good pretzels again 

Martino Rametta: he says bite me 

Federico Canegallo: @edo hello???? 

Federico Canegallo: update edo is still sleeping but told me to tell you all he’s going to kick your asses 

Elia Santini: fat fucking chance, charms 

— 

Eva Brighi to Eleonora Sava: making coffee would you like some 

— 

Edoardo Incanti to Eleonora Sava: hi please tell me you actually went to bed last night instead of studying more 

Eleonora Sava: I did 

Edoardo Incanti: ok good 

Edoardo Incanti: when are you taking it 

Eleonora Sava: tomorrow 

Edoardo Incanti: are you feeling better about it than you were yesterday? 

Eleonora Sava: yes 

Eleonora Sava: thank you 

Edoardo Incanti: of course 

Edoardo Incanti: i’d offer to let you come study here again but fede and chicco want to play fifa 

Edoardo Incanti: lucky fuckers are already done with their midterms 

Edoardo Incanti: but if you need someone to study with again, I’ll take on the task 

Eleonora Sava: how kind of you 

Eleonora Sava: I’m ok tho 

Edoardo Incanti: if you’re sure 

— 

Eva Brighi to Eleonora Sava: are you down for Thai or no? 

Eva Brighi: because now is the time to say something if ur not 

Eva Brighi: silvia is Determined to get spring rolls 

Eva Brighi: I think only you could stop her 

Eva Brighi: sana tried suggesting that Salvadorian place but sil shut her down hard 

Eva Brighi: come save us from tyranny pls 

—

Chicco Rodi to *plays Baby K even harder*: just wanted to publicly make it known that I kicked Fede and Elia’s asses at fifa 

Sana Allagui: ladies we’ve been demoted to peanut gallery

Sana Allagui: this is a federal offense 

Eva Brighi: @chicco I’ll be impressed when you can beat ele at mario kart

Federica Caciotti: same 

Martino Rametta: points were made

Silvia Mirabella: guys he might die lets not make him do that 

Sana Allagui: can we still take them to court 

Federica Caciotti: yes of course 

Eva Brighi: get ur fucking lawyer ready boys 

Luchino: wait court for what 

Giovanni Garau: grabbing the game cube when I go home this weekend 

Giovanni Garau: mario kart tourney Sunday night 

Federico Canegallo: um pay attention to this tourney pls and thanks 

Chicco Rodi: I’ve been challenged tho 

Chicco Rodi: and they’re suing us 

Federico Canegallo: I will smother you in ur sleep chicco PAY ATTENTION 

— 

Edoardo Incanti to Eleonora Sava: contrary to what the gc says it was mostly me who beat fede and Elia 

Eleonora Sava: color me even more impressed than I already said I was 

Edoardo Incanti: you didn’t say anything 

Eleonora Sava: exactly 

Edoardo Incanti: no one asked you to be sarcastic about it 

Edoardo Incanti: now what’s this about mario kart 

Eleonora Sava: don’t even try I will kick ur ass 

Edoardo Incanti: I’ll have you know I’ve won every single Incanti cousins mario kart tourney since we started doing them when I was like nine 

Eleonora Sava: its not that hard to beat Eva she’s shit 

Edoardo Incanti: we have other cousins ya know 

Eleonora Sava: did mario kart even exist when u were nine 

Edoardo Incanti: ya p sure

Eleonora Sava: hm 

Eleonora Sava: sounds dubious

Eleonora Sava: old 

Edoardo Incanti: hey 

— 

Eva Brighi to Le Mom’s not buying the booze anymore: yeah I think Thai is fine 

Sana Allagui: its not 

Eva Brighi: what’s not fine is hiding in ur room and not answering ur texts all day 

Federica Caciotti: ok so we’ve gotten through procrastination ele and annoyed ele and now we’re on to hermit ele 

Federica Caciotti: we’ve almost completed the cycle 

Silvia Mirabella: is she alive can you tell 

Silvia Mirabella: sana shut up about the food for a sec 

Sana Allagui: ok easy for u when ur the one that’s winning 

Eva Brighi: yeah I’ve heard her go to the bathroom once or twice but she hasn’t come out besides that 

Eva Brighi: I’ve texted her several times and when I call she sends me to voicemail 

Sana Allagui: have you like knocked on the door 

Eva Brighi: I may be an idiot but I’m not stupid Sana 

Eva Brighi: of course I have 

Eva Brighi: ele if you’re reading this knock on ur wall twice 

Eva Brighi: ok she did it. love you ele please come out and eat something  

—

Chicco Rodi to *plays Baby K even harder*: @ele so are you going to beat my ass in mario kart or not 

Chicco Rodi: you didn’t say anything 

Chicco Rodi: i need to kno how many blows my pride is gonna take this week 

Federico Canegallo: ok you are preemptively anticipating ele beating you when gio’s beating you right now 

Federico Canegallo: you’re not even playing anymore ffs 

Chicco Rodi: some things you just have to accept fede 

Edoardo Incanti: who the fuck says preemptively anticipate 

Eva Brighi: don’t be jealous just bc some fede sounds fancier than you 

Edoardo Incanti: is this bc I insulted ur vocabulary yesterday 

— 

Sana Allagui to Eleonora Sava: not responding to hermit ele takes some strength 

Sana Allagui: is everything ok?

— 

Edoardo Incanti: appalled 

Edoardo Incanti: dubious 

Edoardo Incanti: preemptive 

Edoardo Incanti: anticipation 

Eleonora Sava: no I am not arguing with you about this 

Eleonora Sava: I’m studying 

Eleonora Sava: unlike some people 

Edoardo Incanti: mm ok point taken  

—

Sana Allagui to Le Mom’s not paying for the booze anymore: ok Eva w/e you’ve done to piss ele off has extended to me 

Sana Allagui: she’s not responding to my texts 

Eva Brighi: well what did you say 

Eva Brighi: also she’s not pissed off she’s Stressed 

Eva Brighi: i’m Stressed 

Sana Allagui: I asked if she was ok 

Sana Allagui: n she didn’t say anything  

Silvia Mirabella: ele knock twice on the wall again if ur stressed 

Silvia Mirabella: eva did she do it 

Eva Brighi: no 

Eva Brighi: her phone’s going straight to voicemail now I think it’s off 

Silvia Mirabella: damn 

Silvia Mirabella: frontal assault into her room? 

Eva Brighi: I have a better idea 

— 

Eva Brighi to Edoardo Incanti: hey

—

Eleonora Sava to marti make sure nico cleans out the lint filter on the dryer or I will cut you: someone please water the plants on the veranda 

Eleonora Sava: I just realized that I didn’t get to them this morning and they’re sitting directly in the sun 

Martino Rametta: i would totally do it but I am not home atm 

Eva Brighi: I have a good idea for you 

Eva Brighi: you could come out and do it yourself 

Eva Brighi: ele? 

— 

Martino Rametta to Eva Brighi: everything ok with ele? 

Eva Brighi: you’ve been gone all day I forgot 

Eva Brighi: she isn’t coming out of her room or answering her texts 

Martino Rametta: oh so Test Ele 

Eva Brighi: I think its worse than usual 

— 

Martino Rametta to Eleonora Sava: hi i would request that you set aside your books and take ten deep breaths 

Martino Rametta: nico seconds me 

Eleonora Sava: :/ 

Martino Rametta: eva did water the plants on the veranda she sent me a pic 

Eleonora Sava: :) 

— 

Edoardo Incanti to Eva Brighi: sorry I was talking to nonna 

Edoardo Incanti: she wants us to come over soon 

Eva Brighi: like today soon? 

Edoardo Incanti: no like in a few weeks 

Eva Brighi: ok 

Eva Brighi: wait aren’t you guys doing fifa right now 

Edoardo Incanti: does that make me incapable of texting nonna 

Eva Brighi: she doesn’t text 

Edoardo Incanti: calling nonna then w/e 

Eva Brighi: edoardo incanti did you actually speak to our grandmother or are you bsing me 

Edoardo Incanti: i promise I did I’m just very tired atm 

Eva Brighi: ok lover boy I’ll let it slide this time 

Eva Brighi: text ele for me I haven’t heard or seen her all day and I’m getting worried 

Edoardo Incanti: weird she’s been texting me 

Eva Brighi: of fucking course 

Edoardo Incanti: is everything ok? 

Eva Brighi: she’s being a recluse 

Eva Brighi: I’ve found that she gets like this around tests its p usual 

Eva Brighi: but this feels off I’m worried 

— 

Edoardo Incanti: in order to properly be a recluse you have to turn your phone off you know 

Eleonora Sava: I have no idea what ur talking about 

Edoardo Incanti: Eva says she hasn’t heard from you all day 

Edoardo Incanti: you haven’t been responding in the gc 

Edoardo Incanti: but you’ve been texting me 

Edoardo Incanti: don’t recluses avoid all contact w the outside world 

Eleonora Sava: whoever said I was trying to be a recluse 

Edoardo Incanti: is everything ok? 

Eleonora Sava: yes 

Eleonora Sava: why wouldn’t it be 

Edoardo Incanti: i’m coming over 

Eleonora Sava: you don’t need to 

Edoardo Incanti: i am tho 

Eleonora Sava: edo 

Eleonora Sava: edo seriously you don’t have to 

Eleonora Sava: edo pick up your damn phone 

— 

Edoardo Incanti to Eva Brighi: are you home? 

Eva Brighi: ya 

Edoardo Incanti: come buzz me in 

Eva Brighi: she’s not gonna let you in I’ve tried that 

Edoardo Incanti: w/e just do it pls 

— 

Federico Canegallo: where did you go 

Edoardo Incanti: ele’s 

Federico Canegallo: ok 

Federico Canegallo: not gonna finish the tourney? 

Edoardo Incanti: we played for like two and a half hours I think that’s enough

Federico Canegallo: ok 

Federico Canegallo: are you gonna come to drinks 

Edoardo Incanti: depends 

Federico Canegallo: ok 

Federico Canegallo: tell her to feel better 

— 

Eva Brighi to Le Mom’s not buying the booze anymore: ok better idea is here now 

Sana Allagui: don’t tell me you got edo to come over 

Silvia Mirabella: eva now is not the time to try to set them up 

Sana Allagui: it’s brilliant 

Eva Brighi: ok contrary to popular (silvia’s) belief chicco and I are NOT crazy for trying to set them up 

Eva Brighi: n this isn’t part of that 

Eva Brighi: they are friends and friends are allowed to do shit like care about each other 

Federica Caciotti: and have romantic feelings for one another 

Eva Brighi: not! the! point!

— 

Silvia Mirabella to *plays Baby K even harder*: numbers for Thai? 

Luchino: me

Elia Santini: ok the tourney’s almost done 

Elia Santini: you’re sure you won’t bring any to us 

Silvia Mirabella: we are going back to mine after this why would we bring it all the way to fede’s 

Chicco Rodi: me for Thai 

Giovanni Garau: same 

Martino Rametta: me n nico too 

Elia Santini: traitors 

Martino Rametta: we literally are already done with the tourney you’re just a sore loser and want to play until you win a game 

Elia Santini: ur exposing me 

Elia Santini: i will eat ur firstborn 

Silvia Mirabella: edo? fede? 

Federico Canegallo: nah I am gonna pity play Elia until he wins 

Elia Santini: fuck you 

— 

Edoardo Incanti to Silvia Mirabella: any chance you could make a stop here after Thai 

Silvia Mirabella: no i literally just told Elia I’m not going to yours 

Edoardo Incanti: at ele’s 

Silvia Mirabella: oh 

Silvia Mirabella: yeah of course 

Silvia Mirabella: what do you guys want 

Edoardo Incanti: the drunken noodles and that one yellow curry 

Silvia Mirabella: will do 

Silvia Mirabella: is ele ok? 

Edoardo Incanti: yeah she’s alright 

Silvia Mirabella: tell her I’m glad she’s ok 

— 

Eva Brighi to Edoardo Incanti: how’s ele 

Edoardo Incanti: hungry 

Eva Brighi: we’ll stop by soon 

Eva Brighi: almost done I promise 

Eva Brighi: besides that? 

Edoardo Incanti: she yelled at me for a bit for coming over n got mad when I took away her textbook 

Edoardo Incanti: but then she calmed down 

Edoardo Incanti: currently on the porch 

Edoardo Incanti: she’s v concerned about the plants 

Edoardo Incanti: says you did a shit job of watering them 

Eva Brighi: that is what she wants to say rn 

Eva Brighi: so picky 

Eva Brighi: is she feeling better? 

Edoardo Incanti: i think so 

Edoardo Incanti: really remains to be see tho 

Edoardo Incanti: she’s very stressed 

Eva Brighi: ok 

Eva Brighi: keep me updated 

— 

Silvia Mirabella to Edoardo Incanti: i come bearing food 

Silvia Mirabella: buzz me in pls 

— 

Federico Canegallo to *plays Baby K even harder*: we’ll be over soon 

Eva Brighi: cool we started w/o you 

— 

Eva Brighi to Le Mom’s not paying for the booze anymore: mission check on ele post drinks is a go 

Eva Brighi: I might be too drunk for this but w/e

Eva Brighi: all the lights are off 

Eva Brighi: it’s quiet 

Eva Brighi: checking her room 

Eva Brighi: oh! 

Eva Brighi: they are asleep 

Sana Allagui: they 

Silvia Mirabella: they?

Eva Brighi: yes edo is here still 

Sana Allagui: nice 

Federica Caciotti: how does ele look 

Eva Brighi: relaxed 

Sana Allagui: are they snuggling 

Eva Brighi: yes 

Eva Brighi: its v cute 

— 

Eva Brighi renamed the group ok they were snuggling last night are we still in the relationship wilderness, who knows? day 1 

Chicco Rodi: sorry they were what last night 

[racingtoaredlight]

The degenerate’s guide to college football TV watch ‘em ups, 2019 season, week 4

The game of the week screams off the page but there are plenty of actually decent footballs happening on this here beautiful final Saturday of the summer.

Let’s see if I have the mental fortitude to write even a single word for each game, good or not. What the hell does good have to do with degeneracy, anyway?

Times are Eastern, schedule is stolen from FBSchedules and odds are ripped from Vegas Insider.

Saturday, September 21

Matchup                                                          Time (ET)          TV/Mobile

11 Michigan at 13 Wisconsin                         12:00pm              FOX

You can throw out the rankings when these teams play because neither one of them has any business being ranked this highly! One of these teams will be basically out of the running for the playoffs by the time this is over. Everybody expects Michigan because Wisconsin hasn’t allowed a point this year and Michigan has mostly sucked so far in both of their games but this is the perfect place for a shitty Wolverines team to start tricking people. Wisconsin is up 110-0 on teams that are made of sawdust. Michigan is at least particle board, if not sterner. Wolverines +3, under 44.5.

Michigan State at Northwestern                    12:00pm               ABC

With an o/u a hilarious 36.5 I wouldn’t turn to this piece of shit if every single person on twitter were cryptically sending out tweets like “MICHIGAN!” and “nooooooooo” and “asdjseskrjhjsdbf” and “THERE’S STILL A WHOLE QUARTER LEFT!” You aren’t fooling me.

Western Michigan at Syracuse                       12:00pm             ACCN

What the hell is this ACCN thing, anyway? It’s just an ESPN skin but it’s got like 2% market penetration. At times like noon, September 21st, 2019, we can all be thankful for the unlikelihood of accidentally switching to ACCN while searching for football to gamble on.

ULM at Iowa State                                            12:00pm               FS1

Louisiana-Monroe is a real dark horse contender for the Big XII title.

UConn at Indiana                                              12:00pm               BTN

Webster’s dictionary defines the word “torture” as...

Tennessee at 9 Florida                                     12:00pm             ESPN

I’ve had this weird premonition all week that Florida is totally going to fuck this up. On the one hand, the Gators should score more than 14 on defense. On the other hand, they should give up some points on offense. On the third hand, Tennessee is in a very bad place as a football program. Vols +14, under 49. But don’t put more than $1.50 on any of it.

Southern Miss at 2 Alabama                            12:00pm              ESPN2

Do people bet a lot on Bama games? Nick Saban seems to willfully undercut gamblers every week. The Tide are easily 39 points better than Southern Miss but they could realistically sit on a 24-0 lead for the entire second half.

Boston College at Rutgers                               12:00pm                BTN

BC just lost to Kansas by 24 and here they are favored by 8 the next week. Rutgers is probably really that bad but that still seems impossible. 32 points worse than Kansas? NAIA schools aren’t 32 points worse than Kansas.

23 California at Mississippi                              12:00pm              ESPNU

Don’t look now but 6 Pac teams were ranked in the top 25 this week. Rather, go look now. No way that lasts. Never trust a west coast team heading east for an early kickoff.

Elon at Wake Forest                                           12:00pm               RSN

Wake Forest sucks but nobody sucks more than Elon Musk.

4 LSU at Vanderbilt                                             12:00pm             SECN

Some things you can count on. One of them is LSU’s football team never making a goddamn lick of sense in any context.

Morgan State at Army                                         12:00pm            CBSSN

The Troops have a -49 point line as I write this but apparently every other betting option is off the books? Not sure how that works but it’s probably illegal.

 Coastal Carolina at UMass                                1:00pm       FloSports / NESN

There needs to be better vetting before allowing teams to just move up to FBS status. This is horrible.

Louisiana at Ohio                                                 2:00pm            ESPN+

This is a very tiny step up from the 1pm game. Ohio has been a mess so take the Ragin Cajuns on the road +3.

CCSU at Eastern Michigan                                 3:00pm             ESPN3

There is no watchin this one up, either, so find other things to amuse you. Like gambling or day drinking.

Troy at Akron                                                        3:00pm            ESPN+

Finally we get that magical intersection of stupid, useless, and entertaining and it’s a goddamn ESPN+ game. For shame. SHAAAAAAME!!!!

Louisville at Florida State                                    3:30pm            ESPN

Did FSU’s big comeback last week wake the ghosts and get Willie Taggert on track in Tallahassee? Probably not. What little I’ve watched of these two has me thinking Louisville is a straight up better team than FSU so my advice would be to take the Cardinals +6.5 but that’s right there on the line. Don’t think twice.

South Alabama at UAB                                        3:30pm            NFLN

The Iron Bowl, Jr.! UAB -11 seems like pretty good value but you CAN THROW OUT THE RECORDS WHEN THESE TWO PLAY! A fun game to play if you watch this one is to see what fanbase is best represented in the crowd: UAB, USA, Bama or Auburn. Roll damn Tide.

Temple at Buffalo                                                  3:30pm          ESPNU

This seems like a conference rivalry but it isn’t. That’s all.

15 UCF at Pitt                                                       3:30pm   ABC/ESPN2 (RM)

I saw UCF mentioned as a legitimate top 5 team this week so I’m expecting them to lose. If Pitt wears their sweet yellow helmets I especially expect UCF to lose. So load up on UCF -11 because I am a fucking idiot. Book it.

22 Washington at BYU                                        3:30pm    ABC/ESPN2 (RM)

Poor, sweet UDub. What might have been? Probably nothing but what will be is definitely nothing. BYU is sure to follow up their big upset of USC with a belly flop.

Wyoming at Tulsa                                                 3:30pm         CBSSN

O/u has moved up to 46.5 but that still seems low to me. Very appropriate CBS SN fare here. This is just good watchin’.

Miami (Ohio) at 6 Ohio State                                3:30pm            BTN

I don’t want to be a true believer in Chase Young or Justin Fields. I need to stick to my traditional hate Ohio State stance because any time I’ve flirted with liking a player on their team it has ended in heart break.

SMU at 25 TCU                                                       3:30pm            FS1

SMU has looked better than a dead fish so far this year. I’m kind of intrigued in this game as entertainment. I don’t want to pin expectations on it but I might hang around for a quarter or so.

Bowling Green at Kent State                                 3:30pm          ESPN3

Here comes the MAC to ruin my good mood.

Appalachian State at North Carolina                     3:30pm          RSN

And here’s Mack to ruin my good mood even more.

8 Auburn at 17 Texas A&M                                      3:30pm          CBS

Just the words Auburn and Texas A&M next to each other promises a level of psychosis that will be tough to live up to. I hope you’ve got a defibrillator nearby if you take it upon yourself to place bets on this game.

Kentucky at Mississippi State                                 4:00pm        SECN

I think this is the entertaining side of S!E!C!

South Carolina at Missouri                                      4:00pm       SECN Alt.

And this is dark, depressing, unwatchable side of S!E!C!

Central Michigan at Miami (FL)                                4:00pm         ACCN

Once upon a time there was a small, slow, relatively unathletic wide receiver from Miami who went to Central Michigan and became a huge star, one of the best in the NFL, a Madden cover boy, probably a serial rapist who is now unemployable even though he’s still one of the best football players on the planet. Where am I going with this? Oh, yeah, don’t move to Pittsburgh.

West Virginia at Kansas                                            4:30pm          ESPN+

What if Kansas wins again? Does Les Miles sign a fully guaranteed 25-year extension and then immediately retire?

New Mexico State at New Mexico                             4:30pm         ATTSN

That’s some rivalry game you’ve got there. Would be a shame if it happened at the end of the season instead of the middle of September. What the fuck is this game doing on September 20th? What are these two teams planning that’s so important at the end of November?

William & Mary at East Carolina                                6:00pm         ESPN3

Has William & Mary always used “Tribe” for their team monikers? I definitely should have noticed that before now. That’s really kind of gross and weird. Anyway, I don’t see any betting info for this game but if you’re looking for a FCS -over-FBS upset for this week, this is the one for you.

Hampton at Liberty                                                      6:00pm         ESPN+

Liberty’s football team only went to FBS because Jerry Falwell, Jr. made a promise to a young man in a locker room and the younger Falwell is a man of his word when it comes to young men in locker rooms. Allegedly.

Wagner at Florida Atlantic                                           6:00pm        ESPN+

Wagner “Seahawks” is a missed opportunity so obvious I don’t think it needs to be spelled out. Prove me wrong.

Ball State at NC State                                                    7:00pm       ESPNU

I always think of Marvin Gaye when I see Ball State. And for the last couple of years every time I think of Marvin Gaye I think about rumors that he was a serial killer. I don’t believe every rumor I hear about rich and/or famous people but I do believe most of them. NC State -19.5 is a pretty solid bet if I get to use your money for it.

16 Oregon at Stanford                                                   7:00pm        ESPN

I don’t want to sell myself as some kind of Pac-12 expert but I absolutely expect Stanford to win this game by 30 because it is exactly the kind of thing that happens in Pac-12 football.

Baylor at Rice                                                                 7:00pm       CBSSN

Baylor out here sullying the good name of CBS Sports. It’s like finding out Matt Groening was a passenger on the Lolita Express.

Old Dominion at 21 Virginia                                          7:00pm        ESPN2

I know it’s ODU but Virginia winning by 27 seems like a dodgy concept against literally any team in the country. UVA has a decent shot at going 12-0 and losing the ACCCG by 100.

Southern Illinois at Arkansas State                              7:00pm        ESPN3

If you asked me once a week every week for the next 52 weeks if Southern Illinois is a D-1A school or not I would be wrong more often than not. It turns out they aren’t in the MAC at all.

Georgia State at Texas State                                         7:00pm         ESPN+

Get rid of FCS and make a real college football playoffs, you cowards! Isn’t a game like this between two FBS level programs mockery enough? How much more degradation can the product withstand before you have to give up the ruse and pay the players?

Charlotte at 1 Clemson                                                  7:30pm         ACCN

Charlotte’s odds of winning the Coastal are as good as anybody’s.

UTSA at North Texas                                                      7:30pm     Facebook

utsa-unt utsa-unt utsa-unt. There! Now you’re beatboxing!

San Jose State at Arkansas                                           7:30pm        SECN

Bad west coast team going east to play a bad SEC team in the evening. Hmm. Not sure the rules here.

Oklahoma State at 12 Texas                                           7:30pm          ABC

Chuba Hubbard is gonna get his Heisman moment tonight. I can feel it.

Nevada at UTEP                                                               8:00pm      ESPN3

The dark heart of football degeneracy is still beating. MWC and CUSA linking back up for a game only the most stupid among us can love. And I am as stupid as they come.

Nebraska at Illinois                                                           8:00pm       BTN

I told you ranking Nebraska was a mistake. I don’t think I needed to but it’s still worth noting that I did.

7 Notre Dame at 3 Georgia                                               8:00pm       CBS

This is only the third all time meeting between Notre Dame and UGA. The line for this one is up to 14.5 but both previous meetings were decided by one score or less. That’s not necessarily relevant to this matchup but Georgia -14.5 still seems crazy to me even though I hope they win by 58.

Colorado at 24 Arizona State                                     10:00pm     Pac-12N

The first rule of Pac-12 after dark is betting on a Pac-12 after dark game is a terrible idea. That’s probably the only rule.

Sacramento State at Fresno State                             10:00pm     Facebook

A game that belongs on facebook. Maybe only on facebook. Why waste money on upkeep for stands and press boxes?

Toledo at Colorado State                                             10:15pm       ESPN2

I will for sure be torn away from the TV but this late run of weird matchups in style and uniforms is exactly what I love about college football and it will just keep getting better the deeper we get into the night.

Utah State at San Diego State                                     10:30pm      CBSSN

This is my entire brand explicated. A potential first round QB playing against San Diego State until 2am east coast time on CBS Sports? Be still my heart.

UCLA at 19 Washington State                                     10:30pm       ESPN

And the marquee late game is Mike Leach and Chip Kelly in a seemingly very lopsided matchup. Run it up, you stupid boomer pirate.

Central Arkansas at Hawaii                              11:59pm  Spectrum / Facebook

A great night of degenerate football only truly ends with a Hawaii home game. On facebook? Sure. Facebook should make one of those stupid little handheld black & white TVs that only receives facebook sports broadcasts. I would probably buy one just to watch Hawaii on the smallest screen possible.

[ecotone99]

[AA] Keep the Change Kid

WARNING: Contains swearing and sexual references.

Introduction: This is a chapter from a mostly finished novel I wrote 10 years ago. Time restrictions and especially a huge amount of editing yet to be done have prevented me from completing the project, though I do fully intend to finish it before my time on planet Earth is up, which may well be sooner than I would prefer. At any rate, the plot of the novel is as follows; after shooting Condoleeza Rice (remember her?) in the head with a sniper rifle, a lone and expert assassin is being hunted by the dark forces of one government or another. These hunters are led by an individual going by the cover-name of “Mom”. Mom is a British ex-secret service operative with SAS and a “diplomatic” background in South-east Asia, among other locales. He is a very tough and capable individual (picture someone like the actor, Charles Dance, perhaps best known for playing Tywin Lannister in Game of Thrones). He employs a band of Russian/Chechen ex-military/FSB operatives, particular in their capacity for violence and ruthlessness. The assassin they are hunting is a young half Asian/half Caucasian woman of exceptional beauty and grace, as well as cold-blooded focus and precision in the trade she has assumed for herself. She goes by the cognomen of “The Angel of Death”. A tacky cliche of a name to be sure, but this was not intended to be permanent, but rather only a working handle for her as I developed the plot. She is being protected by a type of guardian angel named Aidan. Aidan is a wise-cracking smart-ass type, unique in that he was brought back from the dead by the “Heavenly Powers That Be” (whomsoever those might be), for the express purpose of protecting the life of our lovely assassin.

The novel’s plot is set in and around Vancouver, British Columbia during the unfortunate reign of George W. Bush, one of my favourite whipping boys at the time. This chapter (and the following one) deals with one of Mom’s operatives named Anton. Anton is a hapless Russian of limited intelligence and unlimited violence. On orders from Mom he is trailing a couple travelling north from Vancouver on the way to Pemberton BC in a pick-up truck during a lengthy and ferocious summer storm. Anton thinks this couple are the assassin and her guardian angel Mom and his crew have been tasked to take out. He will discover many things during this long, stormy night and the following day.

If any readers of this story indicate a desire to read the next chapter in this drama, please comment to that effect and I will post that under the title of “For Morons Like You” forthwith.

Hope you enjoy the read. Cheers, Popeye Le Pew.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

‘Come on ya prick… hurry-up fer chrissakes… I'm gettin soaked here, eh!?’, a woman’s raspy voice, punctuated by a burst of desperate, phlegmy coughing, calls out in the night.

‘Yeah, yeah. Keep yer friggin panties on will ya, I gotta piss’, a man’s booze-slurred voice barks back.

Anton, lost deep in a dream of perplexing dimension, is rudely awakened from an uneasy sleep by the loud drunken voices just outside his Pathfinder.

‘I ain't wearin no panties.’

‘Well then keep yer bra on.’

Disoriented and groggy, Anton looks around trying to blink the sleep out of his brain and trying hard to figure out where in the Hell he is.

‘I ain't wearin one of them neither. Let’s go Stud, its takin ya longer to piss than it did to blow yer load, eh?’

It comes to him after a moment or two and he curses the one that put him here: MOM! Fucking Mom!! Ублюдок!!! Anton is in fact in the parking lot of the Chieftain Pub in Squamish, BC. ‘If is not asshole of world, is sure smell like”, he’d scowled as he drove into town earlier that day. The paper mill just across Howe Sound bestowed “a certain something” to the Squamish air. Though he doesn’t realize it, he's been fast asleep for the past couple of hours… with the truck’s engine idling.

The wind is still howling like a troop of drunken banshees and the torrential rain that was falling when he’d arrived hasn’t let up, but rather seems to have increased in intensity. The voices are coming from the right and, leaning across the passenger seat, Anton wipes a narrow strip of condensation from the window. He can see a man and a woman by a pick-up with “Pemberton Spud Farms” on the driver-side door. “Is where cell-phone signals come from, for sure.” In the downpour, he can’t quite make out if they’re the same two people in the photos Mom gave him, but it is the truck he’s been looking for.

The man finally finishes relieving himself, opens the driver’s door and climbs into the pick-up. He rolls his window down and spits before leaning over to unlock the passenger door. The woman climbs in saying, ‘about friggin time, eh! Couldn’t ya have pissed before we come out?’

‘Couldn’t you shut the fuck up?’

‘Close yer goddamn window, I'm friggin cold.’

‘Ah quit yer bitching,’ he says, lighting a cigarette and tossing the match out the window.

‘I wanna stop at the Mickey D’s to get some grub.’

‘Fuck that, I ain't stopping till we put some miles behind us.’

‘Come on ya cheap prick, I’m hungry and it’s a long ride to Mount Currie, eh? Be nice to me and maybe I’ll blow ya on the way up.’

It was an offer he wasn’t about to refuse. It’s a long drive up to Mount Currie after all.

‘Yeah, yeah OK, we can stop at the slop-shop up on the highway.’

‘Alrightee then Stud, but yer buyin, eh?’

‘Sure. That’s me, last of the big-time spenders,’ he says as he fires-up the engine and drives to the parking-lot exit, spitting out the window again and planting a large gob on the hood of the Pathfinder as he drives by.

Anton waits for them to get ahead a bit and then pulls out after them, staying half a block behind the pick-up. Is not matter with the raining like this, they are not seeing nothing. They are the goddamns drunk anyways. Fucking shit, he thinks, wishing he were off somewhere, drunk himself with a hooker to take the edge off his blues instead of following these two through the driving rain in this god-forsaken stinking dump of a town. Anton does bad moods rather well.

Taking out his cell-phone he tries calling Mom again, but doesn’t make a connection. ‘Is the bullshits’, he snarls. The pick-up stops by the intersection at the highway and turns north. Anton comes up to the flashing traffic signal, waits for a couple of cars to go by and then follows. Up ahead, just past the main intersection, the pick-up slows, turns into a McDonald’s lot and lines-up in the drive-thru lane. He pulls the Pathfinder over to the side of the highway and waits. Is going to being the long goddamns night, he thinks, watching as the driver gets out, walks around to the back and rummages around in the pick-up’s box. He removes something and deposits it in a garbage container by the take-out window. ‘What’s in fuck he is doing now?’, he mutters. The man then takes a sports-bag from the box, looks the cargo over and gets back into the cab. Though Anton can’t get a good enough look to compare him to the man in the photos, he thinks, must be is guy. Mom is saying he is having the sports-bag with him and is tall.

The cloying odour of hot grease and fried food wafts in through the heater blower and Anton’s stomach starts to growl. Though he hates American fast-food, Anton realizes he’s famished. He hasn’t eaten since before he left Vancouver and thinks, I am gotting to eat somethings, anythings.

Waiting until another car drives in behind the pick-up, he shrugs his shoulders and pulls into the McDonald’s lot, lining-up in the drive-thru lane and calling his order into the mike on the menu board when his turn comes up. Sitting there, compulsively cracking his knuckles, he sees the pick-up’s order being handed out from the take-out window. It then pulls ahead to the road, stops to let some traffic by and turns onto the highway. Shit!! Is better I not am losing this prick in pick-ups, Anton thinks and puts the transmission in reverse to pull out of the drive-thru line himself. Checking the rear-view mirror he curses seeing that two more cars have come up behind his, boxing him in. He’s stuck there and fidgets nervously, waiting for the car in front of him to get its order and get out of the way. Ahead, a hand holds a large fast-food bag out of the take-out window and remains suspended in mid-air, waiting for the driver of the car to take it. But the man appears to be having some kind of a problem with the transaction. He’s dropped his money on the ground.

‘Come on fucking motherfucker, you are hurrying ups. I don't am having all the fucking nights to waiting for you’, he calls out his window.

A man’s head emerges from the car’s window, completely ignoring the bag plainly being held out to him, and turns to glare at Anton. It is a large, curiously deformed head, perhaps the product of foetal alcohol syndrome. The head sticking out of the car window bears an exceptionally ugly face, sporting an exceedingly belligerent expression. And it looks only too eager for trouble. Anton has seen a number of unfriendly faces in the course of his life, starting with the band of mujahedeen fighters who came to kill his father, uncle and older brother when he was seven years old. That face in the car in front of him is even uglier and less friendly-looking than that of the FSB drill-instructor who made Anton’s already miserable life a living Hell. One of the most satisfying moments he ever had was when he put a bullet between the bastard’s eyes. The eyes on this guy’s face are having considerable trouble focusing. He’s obviously very drunk.

‘Eh!? What the fuck’s goin on buddy? Ya got yerself some kind of problem back there or what?’

Anton sticks his head out the window and looks at the guy, thinking, oh shits, now what is!!?

‘Who, me? You are meaning me? I not am was speaking at you, I am calling the friend who is go to washrooms for the pissing.’

The face continues to glare at him, it’s mouth hanging open and it’s eyes each looking in a different direction. It’s not buying Anton’s contrite explanation.

‘Zat right, eh? Sure sounds like yer having a little problem with me.’

‘No, no. Is cool, is completes cool.’

‘I could maybe fix that problem for ya… howboudit pal… ya wanna go, or what?’

‘No, no, is not the necessary, is not the problems with you. Is with the friend I am was calling. At washrooms. Not you. He is pissing the long times.’

‘Yeah? Well yer startin ta piss me off, pal!’

‘Is all the big mistakes. I am not here for the pissing-offs to you, I am come for Bigs Mac and fry, like you.’

‘Ya sound like yer some kinda foreigner. Zat what ya are, some kinda goddamn foreigner?’

Anton reaches over and takes his M88 from the glove-box and screws the silencer onto the barrel. He considers firing several rounds into that ugly drunk face glaring him right away, but remembering why he's there in the first place, puts the pistol on the passenger seat and pulls his jacket over it. He pokes his head back out the window, smiling with as much meekness as he can muster. Not an easy feat for Anton.

‘No, no I not am the goddamns foreigner like you are say, I am tourist. I not am being here for having the problems with good guys like you. Nice to be meeting you and visit your great city.’

‘What the fuck…? Yer a tourist? Ya sure you ain't got yourself no problem with me? Cuz if ya come looking fer one… I’m the guy fer ya alright!’

Fuckings Hell, this prick is not wanting to gives up, Anton thinks.

‘No, no, is no problems, you can believing to me. Is everything cool. Only with friend at washrooms, he is taking really long times for the pissing. You are the friendly Canadian guys, I am not having the problems with you. Really.’

‘Oh Yeah? Ya sure bout that?’

‘Yeah, is no problems, for sures.’

‘I mean, if ya wanna go… ya wanna go or what?’

‘Look mister guy, there is being your Bigs Mac and fry, they are wait for you. You are enjoying delicious hamburgers and having the nice evenings.’ You are fucking-offs now or I am shoot you in goddamns face, you prick, he thinks as his hand reaches for the locked and loaded M88 next to him.

The face looks at him, still trying hard to focus with limited success and then, somewhere in the remnants of his tiny pickled brain, the penny drops and he abruptly turns toward the hand holding the bag out to him. His head collides with it and he exclaims, ‘what the fuck!? Oh yeah right, my burgers.’ He looks down at the bills he dropped a moment ago, opens his door and reaches down to pick them up, grabs the bag the hand is holding and hands the hand his money. He takes his change and drops it on the pavement and says, ‘aw fuck-it!’, and closes the door again.

‘Hey… awright then buddy. So yer a tourist eh?’, he says looking at Anton again with a crooked grin on his stupid face.

Anton smiles and nods his head enthusiastically as he takes out a pen and paper. He jots down the car’s license-plate number thinking, I am fixing you later you сосунок петуха, you just are waiting.

‘Sure, you are rights-on, I am the tourist to you fantastics country Canada and I am visit you beautiful city Squamish this nights.’

‘Zat right? Huh, well whaddya know, a tourist!? Hey, I don't got me no problems with no tourists.’

‘OK mister guy, this is good… I don’ts gots the problem with you too.’

‘Aw that's great, that's just great!’ He turns to his companion beside him and says, ‘Ain't that just great baby? Guy’s a goddamn tourist.’ He sticks his head out the window once more, blinking his eyes as he tries to focus on Anton. ‘Well you have yerself a real nice time in our town there buddy, we gotta get goin now… welcome to Squamish, eh?’

‘Fucking crazy whacks-job,’ Anton says as the car pulls out to the exit and drives up the highway in the same direction the pick-up went earlier. He considers ignoring his own order and leaving immediately in pursuit of the pick-up, figuring it must be quite a ways up the highway by now. Screwing it, he thinks, pick-ups is not can be that far and I must am eating something, even if is this shit of McDonald, and moves up to the take-out window.

‘That’ll be twelve dollars and sixty-three cents please,’ says a skinny teenager with bizarrely pointed ears, buck-teeth and coke-bottle glasses somewhat too large for his face. He looks like a rabbit who’s parents could well be closely related, too closely perhaps. And, possibly being that particular fine dining establishment’s number one best customer, has really, really bad acne.

Holy cows, is the fucking Canadian mutant, Anton thinks, recoiling. He shakes his head, reaches over to take the bag the kid is holding out and hands him a fifty.

‘Oh, a fifty,’ the rabbit-kid says, holding the bill up to his glasses and squinting. ‘Don't you have anything smaller?’

‘No, is all I am gots. Make it fast kid, give to me the changes, I am in the big hurry.’

‘Well I don't have change for a fifty sir, you'll have to wait for my manager to come and break that bill for me.’

‘Where this goddamns manager is?’

‘He’s just in the men’s room.’

‘What he is does in there? Is jerks-off?’

‘I’m not really sure but I think he’s taking a long du…’

‘Is OK kid, I don't are needing to knowing of detail.’

‘If you’d like to pull into one of those parking slots off to your left to wait, he’ll be out to change that as soon as he’s done, sir.’

‘No! I not am having times for waiting of fucking manager to wiping asses of he. You are keeping of changes kid, buying yourself new head,’ Anton says and pulls out to the highway. He peers squinting through the driving rain, one hand on the steering wheel, the other holding a soggy, dripping burger on which he munches while trying to keep the Pathfinder steady in the howling wind. After several kilometres he finally sees the car that was in front of him at the drive-thru and what looks to be the pick-up’s tail-lights beyond it in the distance.

The weather has turned from really bad to atrocious. Anton finishes the now cold French fries and second triple burger and, feeling like he’s just been horribly violated, belches loudly. ‘Fucking Americanski garbage’, he scowls. Throwing the wrappers and bag out the window in disgust, he takes out his cell and tries calling Mom again but still can’t get a connection. He watches as the car from the drive-thru pulls out to pass the pick-up and smiles. Flipping his cell-phone open again, he dials 9-1-1 thinking, you wait Canadian cocksucker prick, is shits hitting the fans for you soon, and is connected after half a dozen rings.

‘This is emergency services, what area are you calling from?’

‘Yeah, I am driving on 99 Highway to the Whistlers.’

‘Exactly where on Highway 99 are you sir?’

‘Sure, you are right. I am exactly on 99 Highway.’

‘What part of Highway 99 are you travelling on at the present time?’

‘I am not knowing what is part, but is… you know, on way to the Whistlers, just north at Squamish.’

‘Do you have an emergency to report? What is the nature of your call please.’

‘Yeah sure is emergency, is why I am call you. What you are think, I am being lonely?’

‘Could you please tell me what is your emergency sir?’

‘There is the car just now, is passing really fast, is swerves like the crazy guys, almost crashing to me. I am seeing this car is passing of pick-ups ahead and almost is crashing to pick-ups too. Car is nearly drives in ditches.’

‘I see. And what would you like us to do?’

‘What kinds of question this is!!? I am thinking you are better to sending somebody for stopping this crazy guys before he is kill somebody.’

‘Were you able to get the license-plate number of the car sir?’

‘Yeah sure, I am getting. I am writing this down, just the minute, I am telling you number… OK, here goes… is VNG 642. You are getting this?’

‘VNG 642. Did you happen to take note of the make and model of the car as well sir?’

‘Is looking like the Chevy Blazer, old shit-box, lots rust. Brown maybes, yeah, colour is for sure brown.’

‘An older model Chevy Blazer, brown in colour with lots of rust, is that correct sir?

‘Yeah, that’s it, is what I am say to you. The old shit-box Chevy Blazer. Is the goddamns rusty buckets.’

‘And the vehicle is northbound on Highway 99, north of Squamish at the present time? Is that correct?’

‘Uh-huh, this is right. The 99 Highway, past of Squamish. Is driving north.’

‘What type of vehicle are you in sir? Are you the driver of this vehicle or are you a passenger?’

‘No, I am driver for sure. I am being all alones, is not no passengers here. And is the Pathfinder I am driving. Nissan.’

‘Is this your own vehicle sir?’

‘Vehicle of me? No, I am renting.’

‘A rented Nissan Pathfinder. Which year would that be sir? And what is the colour?’

‘Why are you ask me questions like this about car I am driving? Is the fucking pricks in goddamns shit-box Chevy Blazer who are drunks you must are worry for, not car of me.’

‘I require the information about your vehicle for my report sir. And I would appreciate your not using foul language when speaking to me.’

‘OK, I am being sorry for to say fucking at you and pricks and goddamns too, is no personal, I just am being nervous with this kind of dangerous drivers. I am scare he is killing me. Sorry lady.’

‘I understand sir. Can you tell me the year of the vehicle you're driving?’

‘What year is!? Is 2002! You don't are knowing this? Month is September in cases you don't are knowing this too.’

‘The vehicle sir, I am inquiring as to the age of the vehicle you're driving, not what the current year is. What is the year of that vehicle please?’

‘I don't am knowing. I am not asking guy at renting place what is year. Is not making the difference for me as long as is running. But colour is black.’

‘I see. Do you know the license-plate number of the vehicle?’

‘No, I don't am knowing. What this is, the fucking quiz-show? Oh sorry, I am forgets, you don't are liking the fucking. But OK, I can stopping car to having looking at plate numbers if you are wanting this.’

‘That won’t be necessary sir.’

‘Good, because is raining like the dog and cat. I am not wanting to gets wet like the duck.’

‘I understand. I’ll need to get your name sir.’

‘Name? Why for you are needing name of me?’

‘For our records sir, we require your name for our records.’

‘You are telling my names to the drunks guys in Chevy shit-box Blazer!!? I am rather you not are telling this. I not am want to having troubles with this drunks guys.’

‘No sir, you won’t be having any problems from that driver. Any information you give us will be kept strictly confidential.’

‘What this is meaning, strictly confidential?’

‘It means we do not give out the information that you provide us with.’

‘OK, if you are being sure.’

‘Yes sir, I'm sure. What is your name please?’

‘My name? You still are wanting to knowing name of me?’

‘Yes sir, what is your name please?’

‘Is Josef.’

‘Is that your surname or your given name sir?’

‘Giving name? I am just giving you name of me? Is Josef. You not are understanding my English?’

‘I can understand you perfectly sir. I just need to get your name.’

‘Josef, I am telling to you already.’

‘I will need to get your surname as well sir.’

‘What this is meaning, how you are saying? Sir-name?’

‘Surname refers to your second name, given name refers to your first name.’

‘I am already giving to you first names. But I am having four names. What you are calling other names?’

‘I need you to tell me your name, sir.’

‘Which names you are wanting first?’

‘Your first name sir.’

‘I am telling to you already, Josef. Is first names.’

‘I will need your surname as well sir.’

‘What name? Sir-name?’

‘Your family name.’

‘You are not wanting other names first? They are coming before the family name.’

‘Just your first name and your family name is all I require. What is your family name please sir.’

‘Stalin. Like Great Hero of Soviet Union who is squashing Hitler like the cockroach.’

‘Have you been drinking this evening Mr Stalin?’

‘Yeah sure. I am drinking delicious super-size Coca-colas with eating triple lousy cheeseburgers of McDonald and shitty fry. Is diet Coca-colas. Why you are caring what I am drinking?’

‘I meant have you been drinking any alcohol this evening Mr. Stalin.’

‘No, of courses I am not drinking no alcohols. I do not drinking the alcohols. Besides, is against law for drinking the alcohols and driving of cars. You are not knowing this!!?’

‘Yes Mr. Stalin, I am familiar with the law.’

‘Well I am sure hoping you are being familiar about drinking the alcohols and driving cars law. Is very big problem in my country. So, you are wants to knowing something elses?’

‘What is your address sir?’

‘I am visitor to your country. I am living at Moscow. You know in Russia? Used to be Soviet Union, but now we are calling Russia agains. Same places but name is different. You are wanting address in Moscow, Russia?’

‘Do you have an address here in Canada Mr. Stalin? A hotel or friends you're staying with perhaps?’

‘No, I am just flying at Vancouver today. I am not yet having time for to checking in hotels.’

‘What is your address in Moscow then sir?’

‘You are not telling address to drunks guys in car? I am not wanting to having no troubles. I am telling you this before. You have listen to me when I say this to you?’

‘Yes, I am listening to you Mr. Stalin. I promise you, you won’t have any trouble. Your address will remain in our confidential files. There's no need for you to be concerned. I only need it for my report.’

‘Is happens all times in Moscow. Guy I know is get shoot last year because he is giving address to police. In fucking head. Oh sorry, I am keep forget you don't are like fucking. Sorry lady.’

‘Yes well, we do things a little differently here in Canada Mr. Stalin. You don't need to worry about that happening.’

‘OK, you are sounding like the nice lady, I will trusting you. But oh boys, I am hope is not nobody waiting to shoot in head of me when I am comes home.’

‘If that should happen Mr. Stalin, you may rest assured it is not in any way connected with this call or the information you provide.’

‘Yeah sure. OK, I am giving to you address now. You are having the pens to write this down?’

‘Yes sir, I have a pen. You may go ahead and give me your address.’

‘Is Kremlin Apartments, number 622, 1942 Red Square Moscow. You are getting this?’

‘Kremlin Apartments number 622, 1942 Red Square Moscow, Russia, is that correct sir?’

‘Yeah sure, that’s is it.’

‘Is there a postal-code for that address?’

‘Of courses is being the postal-codes, but I am not remembering. I just am movings in.’

‘Well thank you very much for calling this in Mr. Stalin. We really appreciate it.’

‘You welcome. Is nice country this Canada you are having here. Maybe I am buying couple house in the Whistlers for girlfriend of me. Listen lady, I am hoping you are not minding for me to saying this, but you sure spending lots time asking the question to me. You don't think you should be getting off from phone now and catching drunks guys in shit-box Chevy?’

‘Yes sir. Enjoy your visit to Canada. You drive safely now. Good night Mr. Stalin.’

‘Yeah so longing lady.’

Several minutes later, two police cruisers come tearing up the highway behind him with their lights flashing and sirens blaring. Anton chortles with glee and pulls-over to let them pass and then resumes on down the dark highway. They should is taking cares of drunks prick from drive-thru of McDonald. It is not long before he comes up to the Chevy Blazer and cruisers by the side of the road. Slowing as he passes, he sees a couple of constables struggling to put a large hand-cuffed man into the back of one of the cruisers. ‘Is what you are gets for piss-off to Anton, you stupid fuck,’ he says laughing as he drives by.

Trying Mom again, he still cannot get a connection. Well, at least drunks prick from drive-thru back at Squamish has getting whats is comes to him. Is too bads I am not having the chances to shoot this prick in face of him, he thinks, I can trying Mom later, after fucking storm is finish. Is must havings to stops sometimes. Maybe is being the phonebooths on this bullshits highway to nowheres and I can call to Mom from there. Anton emits a sigh of dejected resignation and settles down to what he figures will surely be a long and uneventful drive down a dark deserted highway. (Just you wait Anton my lad, just you wait - ed)

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