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#anyways. unsatisfactory results. and it gets frustrating because I feel so disappointing because I know before starting that I won't be abl
menshusband · 1 month
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What does a man have to do not to live in constant dread
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kimjihyun-archive · 4 years
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aswium // 아쉬움 with my husband obi wan? You’re writing is so so good ❤️
𝙨𝙖𝙮 𝙢𝙮 𝙣𝙖𝙢𝙚
prompt: the mingled feeling of disappointment, frustration, and regret that results from an unsatisfactory situation
warnings: a little angst baybee
word count: 878
author’s note: i’m so sorry this took so long!! i rewrote it so many times lmao. i hope you like it!!
Leia’s hands were tiny. Tinier than you ever thought possible in a human being. Her eyes were wide as she stared up at you, the galaxy swirling inside them. She gurgled and cooed in your arms, the same as Luke did in Obi-Wan’s.
The children, both of them, were lights in a time shrouded in darkness—yet you couldn’t help but feel empty. Across the room, the mother’s body lay limp, her tear-coated cheeks still warm. Their father had betrayed the Jedi and the republic—now presumed to have faced the same fate as their mother. And Obi-Wan, sweet, kind Obi-wan had to kill his best friend.
Destiny was a disgusting thing.
“Maybe we should’ve gotten out when we had the chance. The wedding, the children, the little farm—just as we discussed.”
“Perhaps we should have.” He stared down a Luke and Luke stared back at him, a glint in his eye that he’d only seen once before—in a young Anakin Skywalker. “But who would be here for them?”
You hummed in response, unsure of what to say. He was right, if Obi-Wan hadn’t been there, the fate of the child that stirred in your arms could’ve been much worse. But how could you give up on your self-indulgent dreams? After all you’d sacrificed, daydreams were the least of your issues.
Obi-Wan was calm in his demeanor as he rocked the child in his arms—but you could feel it. His mind was still screaming of the betrayal from the night prior. While you were mourning the loss of your baseless fantasies, he had to mourn his brother.
“So this is goodbye, little one?” You danced your fingers around Leia’s features and she cooed into your touch. You’d grown attached to the baby in the mere hours you’d spent with her. Maybe it was the resemblance to Padmé, someone you’d cared so deeply about—but something inside you wished to keep her, even if you knew you couldn’t.
She was already so different from Luke. He would whine when he was well fed and changed, hoping for attention—but Leia was independent, or at least as much as an infant could be. You were sure she got that from her mother, but you tried not to think about it for the sake of your aching heart.
Obi-Wan mustered a smile towards you and the child and you were positive he was thinking of the same thing you were. This could’ve been your life together.
There were so many nights spent of Coruscant with laughter filling the air and happiness palpable in the room. Your bodies were both wrapped in moon-soaked sheets but the glow of gaiety that settled deep in your souls was still visible. Obi-Wan mused about his dreams of a simpler life and you couldn’t help but follow along. The night was cold but his hands granted you solace—and together you drafted a life together, one that would never see the light of day.
You couldn’t help but wish for those evenings now. The two of you spent so long wishing for easier times that you didn’t realize you were in them. The Clone Wars were long and painful, but at least you knew what you were fighting for. Now, you weren’t sure what the point was.
“The Organas will take good care of her.” Obi-Wan craned his neck to get a view of Leia.
“I know,” You replied as the lump in your throat grew larger. “It’s not her I’m worried about.” You knew she would be safe on Alderaan, it was Obi-Wan who left you stomach spinning. “I can visit her.”
He stifled a laugh, but it sounded more like he was choking up sand.
“I’d make a terrible farmer anyway.”
“Yeah, you would.” You both chuckled, two stiff breaths joining the air.
There were so many things you wished to tell Obi-Wan Kenobi in that moment, but there were no words to describe how you felt about him. The fire that burned under your skin every time he looked at you, the nights you waited for him to come home, even if he were bloodied and bruise—how you would miss him.
Instead, you settled with—
“Can you say my name?” He raised a brow at the request. “I don’t care how you say it, I just don’t want to forget how you say my name.”
So he did. Over and over into the air, your name left Obi-Wan’s lips until it didn’t feel like you name anymore. By the time he stopped, it was just a jumble of letters that built a word—one you didn’t care to think about anymore.
Hot tears rolled from the edge of your cheeks, mimicking the ones that still chewed at Padmé’s. You didn’t bother to wipe them anymore because they were a memory. Though a sorrowful one, they were lines to trace when the nights got cold or your mind began to lose track of that night—of him.
“I’m gonna miss you, Obi-Wan,” you choked. He wrapped a hand around the top of your shoulder, his fingers burrowing their warmth deep into your flesh.
“Is or the wrong time to say I’m glad?” You laughed. Not because it was particularly funny, but because it was so him.
“No, not it’s not.”
taglist: @sydsney @cclkestis @scarletsoldierrr @morganas-pendragons
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marchivists · 4 years
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For the one word ideas, aswium + iwaoi please!
aswium: the mingled feeling of disappointment, frustration, and regret that results from an unsatisfactory situation
The lights were off. Tooru and Hajime had completed their usual getting-ready-for-bed routine: showers had been taken, teeth had been brushed, covers had been pushed back, phones had been put away. There had been none of their usual chatter. Their bedroom seemed anxious for it, as though the air itself longed to hear their laughter, to see messy kisses exchanged as tired minds drifted towards unconsciousness.
Tooru longed for something else. He could only just see Hajime in the dark, but he did not need to look to know that the other was not sleeping. Instead, he stared, unspeaking, at the ceiling, waiting.
Tooru was waiting, too- waiting for a solution to jump out from wherever it was hiding in his mind and say “Haha! Here I am! Use me!”
It did not.
He sat criss-cross on the bed, sheets covering his legs. He fiddled with his fingers, worrying at his nails, and thought about the night they’d had.
“They set a date for the pinning ceremony,” Hajime had said, voice tinted with pride. His scrubs smelled of sweat and hospital, but he joined Tooru on the couch anyway. Their chests rose and fell together as Tooru ran his fingers through Hajime’s hair. He smiled both at the news and the way Iwaizumi’s eyes danced with the satisfaction of a long, wonderful day of hard, tiring work. “May twenty-second.”
They had celebrated with a kiss and a call to the nearest pizza place. They’d toasted with greasy pepperoni slices and drank cheap wine out of tiny paper cups. And then Tooru had gone to mark the special occasion in his calendar.
“Ah.”
“What?”
“I’m supposed to be in California that day. For a tournament.”
“Ah.”
And so they’d gone to bed, the argument they could have had unspoken and tense in the air between them. There was no reason to discuss the matter. Tooru might lose his position as a starter if he missed a practice, let alone one day of a tournament. He’d clawed his way to the court only to find his place there as solid as a footprint in sand. There were so many bright, hungry eyes watching and waiting for a chance to claim their own spot in the professional world. So, so many. And so there could be no skipping, no asking of special favors for Oikawa Tooru.
But the world would not rearrange itself for Oikawa Hajime, either. The date of the one and only ceremony that would ever formally recognize his hardwork and dedication to the field of nursing would not change just because the man he loved most in the world could not attend. And so the day would pass and he would have one less person to lock eyes with in the audience of loved ones as his career officially began.
They would move on. There would be other chances to celebrate and love each other. But this time, this chance, would be missed. It would be an unfortunate stain on an otherwise charming and cherished quilt. A small blip in a life of easy love and sturdy foundations.
Tooru turned to look at his husband. “I’m going to go.”
“You can’t. I know you can’t.”
He couldn’t. He knew he couldn’t. The absolute concreteness of that fact made him want to spike a ball through a window. He kissed Hajime’s forehead instead. “I am so very proud of you.”
Hajime took a strand of Tooru’s hair between his fingers and twirled it. “I know you are.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You didn’t do anything.”
No, he hadn’t done anything. But he couldn’t undo anything either.
“We’ll get your sister to FaceTime me in during it. I’ll cheer so loudly at your turn it’ll be just like I’m in the room.”
Hajime smirked. “And she’ll bill you for her new hearing aids afterwards.”
“Exactly.”
It was a fine solution on paper. But it didn’t fix anything, really. There was no repairing or sidestepping what could not be repaired or sidestepped. But they would make it work. Tooru closed his eyes and waited for other chances to love and celebrate to appear.
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qqueenofhades · 6 years
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Hi, I'm the Anon that asked if its ok to be sad about flynn spoilers and mad about the Flynn-erasure/Goran-erasure that is happening with the movie stuff. I am writing positive posts now- you know reasons why Flynn/Goran is fan-f*ckin-tastic. Just a couple posts- so ppl know. Kill em with kindess, right? Sorry if I annoyed you- this is my first fandom and I didn't know that the stars get into shipping (that was hard to see)- and it really disappointed me. I learned a lot.
Hi there,
I’m actually not sure what ask you’re talking about? If you mean the one about the other part of the script, I answered that one earlier, but I didn’t get one explicitly about being sad re: Flynn erasure. So I can promise you didn’t annoy me, it’s just that tumblr ate it. So yes, please don’t worry on that front.
As for the fact that the writers seem unfortunately trying to cram in a forced L/W resolution/endgame, rather than leaving it open for a potential season 3 pickup… well, as ever, they can do what they want with that, but yes, it is disappointing, especially given as the Flynn/Garcy fandom is sizeable and would be hoping for a better result in a movie purportedly for all fans and to give the series a fitting sendoff. Again, we don’t have full context and don’t know what happens, but it’s obviously a human reaction to be upset or not be thrilled about what we have heard this far. I’m still waiting to form my full opinion, and there are some things that gave me feels for sure, but yeah, it’s not the way I would have chosen to end it. I don’t know if I would have come around to this development if it had been given time to unfold naturally over a proper season 3 (forever bitter at NBC for purposefully sabotaging this and in one sense, ensuring that the movie was always going to be a rushed and unsatisfactory ending), but as it stands, yeah, I’m not really a fan.
Fandom can be difficult when you get invested in a story and can’t control it, and when the behavior of other fans impacts on your ability to enjoy it. Unfortunately the Timeless fandom, after starting out lovely and respectful and chill, has pretty much self-destructed, and that does not help. Hence why I am very judicious about how I engage with it and what I want to consume, and I have been in fandom for a long time, so you have to work out how to do that for yourself. What I would like to say is that being a fan of something is not a binding contract to always like everything it does. I myself probably won’t watch the movie, or at least ask trusted folks in advance if it’s worth it, or just watch selected scenes or reblog gifsets. I did not sign an oath in blood to always be bound to the official output of anything (whether Timeless or whatever else) and that’s the fun of transformative works and independent fandom. You don’t like it, well, you always have the ability to change it, ignore it, not engage with it, etc. There is no obligation to consume media that is not going to make you happy. The world is shitty enough and most of us use this for escapism anyway. So yeah.
You certainly have every right to feel how you feel, and there can tend to be fan policing (again, in any fandom) that dictates that you should be universally positive or universally negative about something, which again.. isn’t true. My personal position is almost always to be neutral-positive-ish and to wait for full context and be willing to allow myself to be pleasantly surprised, and that goes for most things, since I too have had to go through the process of detaching myself from being totally emotionally dependent on a TV show or fictional characters. This was harder for me as a fandom newbie, so again, I do feel your pain. But again, either way, there is no obligation for you to feel one way or another, to watch the movie if it won’t make you happy (again, I myself am being very very noncommital on it and am not going to race to anything about it) or so on. Flynn is likewise my favorite character and if they totally shaft him, I’m going to be big mad. But I’ll also completely ignore it, write some vent posts/critiques, and basically pay 0% attention to it in future fic or headcanons. Because if you ruin him, you can’t have him.
So what I’m trying to say is… yeah, the movie promotion/filming is seemingly leaving a bad taste in the mouths of our part of the fandom, and if we don’t want to watch, we don’t have to, or only selectively. I had higher hopes for the movie when it seemed like it would just be about saving Rufus and leaving the door open for a possible season 3, but since they know they might not get picked up, they’re trying to cram in overall answers/resolutions. Again, this is entirely their right to do so, and I am sure some fans will enjoy it; I am happy for them if so. However, it would be a shame if a series I have otherwise enjoyed and gotten so much creative inspiration from went out on such a flat note, and there was a clear intent to crowd out Flynn’s character, his relationship with Lucy, and everything else that he has centrally been to the series, for the sake of a small but loud group of fans. It would not fit with everything thus far and again, we have no obligation to like it or support it.
Anyway… yes. I’m mostly trying not to think about it, and if it’s getting too much, I do advise stepping back or detoxing or so on. You’re not obliged to like everything, and you’re not obliged to react or remain engaged with it. Online drama is exhausting and frustrating, in my opinion, and I stay well away from it. At the end of the day, it still is fiction, and if it’s impacting badly on your mental health, at a time when we all need whatever scraps of it we can get, then by all means, do and react however you need.
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aiimaginesbts · 7 years
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The Tiger’s Labmate (M)
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~A Namjoon Birthday Fic~
Namjoon x Reader
Genre: University AU, fluff, angst and smut
Warnings: Public sex (I don't know why I keep writing these with Namjoon XD ), unprotected sex, inappropriate laboratory conduct
Word count: 8,456 words
A/N: As always, I have @hoeseok to thank for beta-ing this fic for me <3
Disclaimer/Copyright
You are perched on the tall laboratory stool at one of the tables, trying to look unaffected. However, it is difficult to maintain a cool facade when the girls in your class make a show for their sympathy for you as they pass by to take their own seats, smiling with pity, patting your back in consolation and saying words of encouragement in tones that are just chirpy enough to tell you that they're actually enjoying your misery. It isn't surprising though; you knew this would happen after the grouping for this course's lab came out and you are again paired with one of the guys.
Just then the man himself saunters into the room, quickly spotting you and heading over. Your gaze moves higher and higher as he approaches, finally having to tilt your head up when he stands next to your table. "I guess we're lab partners this semester," he points out the obvious with a dimpled smile.
"Yeah." You nod and gesture for him to take the seat next to yours. Namjoon. No introductions are made since he probably knows who you are, and assumes that you know him since you're taking the same course. Truthfully, you had to ask a classmate to point him out to you earlier. He's not easy to miss, you thought to yourself as you took in his towering height, his small, handsome face and his cute smile, wondering for a second why he hadn't caught your attention before. The answer is simple, really, and you know it yourself. After being paired with three different guys in various courses, you decided that the male population in your course are jerks and didn't bother getting to know the rest unless you had to.
Up close, Namjoon's height seems more intimidating, which is why you feel better when he's sitting rather than standing. His dimples look even more adorable at a shorter distance, and his eyes manage to convey a sincerity that somehow endears him to you. On the other hand, your wariness isn't something that is so simple that it can be brushed off with physical attributes. Before you can open your mouth to tell him something to that effect and probably make a fool of yourself from the get-go, the postgraduate student supervising the lab sessions for the course walks in and starts the briefing right away.
The first experiment is very simple and goes off without a hitch. Namjoon is pretty helpful and does his part so far, but that is to be expected. Perhaps it is the application of the theories you are taught in class that gets them excited, but they're always eager to run the experiments. It's getting them to write the reports that you find troublesome.
The labmates you've had before this were horrible partners. Knowing that they are paired with one of the top students in the year, they simply let you do all the work – essentially forcing you to do so since you need to keep your grades up to hold onto your scholarship. At first you tried to arrange meet-ups and write the report together, but they either contributed nothing to the discussion or simply not showed up at all. When you tried splitting the work, they didn't even bother to send in their parts before the due date, and you ended up having to finish their share of the work the night before the deadline.
Last semester you'd had enough. After two rows of being disappointed by your labmate, you marched towards the supervising postgraduate and demanded to work separately. As expected, she was taken aback by your unexpected request and the other students in the session enjoyed the drama, even though it was short – you weren't out to embarrass or demean your partner, no matter how angry you were with him. If you're going to end up doing everything anyway, might as well keep all the marks to yourself. At least others won't be benefiting off of your hard work. It was as simple as that.
There is no doubt that the girls are looking forward to witnessing another fiasco this semester, especially when you're paired with yet another boy. You absolutely loathed the fact that they have already expected that you will lose patience with your new partner, but unfortunately it is an outcome that you believe will unfold as well. So it is with wariness that you ask Namjoon how he plans to divide the report work between the two of you, fully expecting him to shirk the responsibility or make excuses to dump the work on you.
"Why don't we meet up and write it together?" He suggests with a nonchalant shrug.
"That's fine by me. How about we do it on Thursday night?" As long as you actually turn up, you add to yourself.
He winces at the idea. "Sorry, but I have badminton practices on Thursdays. Can't we do it another day?"
You frown, not wanting to reschedule the days you have set for meetups for your other classes and unable to rearrange your own club meetings. "How about the weekend? My evenings are full on other weekdays."
"I don't really want to spend time on homework on weekends," he hisses, features scrunching in repulsion at the idea. It may have been cute if you're not so frustrated you are tempted to pull at your hair. Or better yet, at his brown locks. However, before you can voice your irritation or come up with another solution, he suggests, "Why don't we divide the reports? You write the one for this experiment, I'll do the next one, and so on. That way we can work on our own time."
You purse your lips in thought, intrigued by the idea. "Sounds good, but how will I know that you won't submit a shitty report?"
His only response is a rise of his right eyebrow, which makes your heart flutter for no good reason. Still, you can't bring yourself to trust him without seeing the quality of his work. "Why don't you pass me the report at least two days before the due date? I'll do the same. That way we can check if there are any mistakes that needs correcting." And I'll have time to write a proper report and toss out your shitty one.
"Sounds reasonable," he says in that deep voice of his as he hurriedly shoves his things into his black backpack, obviously in a rush to join his friends who are already walking out to get lunch.
"I guess I'll take this one then," you call out to his retreating back, and he acknowledges you with a wave. Looks like you have about two weeks until he shows his true colours.
As you've expected, Namjoon finds nothing unsatisfactory in your first report, submitting it as it is. Trepidation starts to creep up on you as the days pass after your second lab session, anticipating Namjoon's email. You can't explain why you're feeling this way when you've already prepared yourself to receive shoddy work. Unlike the other guys you've been paired with before, you find yourself really wishing that he will not disappoint you.
Surprisingly, a notice of an email from Namjoon pops up on your notifications three days before the deadline. Immediately you open it and read through the attachment, the assignment that you've been working on before lying next to your laptop, completely forgotten. Diving into the report, you expected a simple write-up that doesn't explain the results of the experiment well, or worse, a blatant copy of a senior's report, but it is nothing like that. Pleasant surprise fills you with every page, every sentence like drops of water pouring into an empty glass after a long drought, and you actually have to read the document twice before replying to the email, unable to believe there is nothing you want to change.
From: y/n y/l/n To: Kim Namjoon Subject: Lab Report
Nothing to add or correct. I'll print it out and hand it in at the next lab session.
He doesn't reply so you assume that he doesn't have a problem with it, but the next time you see him, a corner of his plump lips seems to be curled up just a smidgen. Ultimately you decide that his smugness is just a fabrication of your imagination, and decide not to comment upon it.
This part of the semester continues in more or less the same manner; each of you taking turns to complete the report, neither of you having anything to correct or add to the other's work. Your classmates quickly lose interest when the supposedly imminent blow-up on your part never arrives. For once, you have been lucky enough to get a partner who isn't only a smart and responsible student, but also a good-looking and friendly man. Not that you know him in much depth, really, since you never really interact beyond the lab sessions and the formal-sounding emails you exchange with each other, but you can tell that he's a warm and kind person just by watching him from afar. The semester passes by without any incident, because you don't count slowly falling for your labmate worthy of note.
Until one morning, you wake up to find that another email has been sent to you last night, just after you had gone to sleep. Seeing the name of the sender fills you with dread and you quickly tap on the notification to open it, rubbing sleep from your eyes as the application loads on your phone. The message jolts you up more effectively than any cup of coffee ever could.
From: Kim Namjoon To: y/n y/l/n Subject: Lab Report
I was just going through the calculations again and spotted a mistake. I've corrected it and will print it out to submit in the morning.
You check for an attachment, looking for the amended report but there is none. Immediately you type out a text to Namjoon – the first message you've sent to him that isn't in the form of an email.
Y/n [07:15]: There's a mistake in the calculations?
After staring at the phone for several moments, you start to feel like an idiot for expecting a reply right away. It's pretty early and he is probably still asleep, since the lab session is the first class of the day and it doesn't start until nine. In an effort to stop obsessing over his reply, you decide to take a long shower to soothe your nerves.
The cool drops of water hitting your body doesn't do much to distract you from the mistake you might have made, but it does calm you down a little, and by the time you get back into your room, your phone illuminates with a reply.
Namjoon [07:40]: Good morning to you too.
Before you can feel bad for bombarding him without a proper greeting, your phone chimes again.
Namjoon [07:41]: It's just a simple mistake. I already corrected it and made changes to the subsequent calculations so don't worry.
Biting your lower lip, you consider your reply as if he is right in front of you and you need to say it to his face. Of course you worry. Perhaps you did make a mistake, but what if you got it right all along and he just botched up your report? However you don't want to come off as frantic and distrusting, especially since he has done nothing wrong so far. You find yourself keen to give him the benefit of the doubt, but past experiences have taught you to be thorough.
Y/n [07:50]: Can I see it before we hand it in? I'd like to see where I went wrong.
The phone goes quiet for a while after that, during which you try not to badger him with more messages. It has taken you a few minutes to think about and type out your last reply, so he probably put down his phone to do other things. Instead you switch on your laptop to open your copy of the report so you can try to detect any mistakes. However, before you can open the document, the screen of your phone brightens with another message.
Namjoon [07:58]: Sure, I'm about to head out and grab some breakfast. Why don't we meet at the lab before it starts? It should be open by then.
You stare at the device in your hand in surprise. Truthfully you expected him to simply email the file back to you, but you suppose it's easier to meet so he can point out the changes to you himself. Although he must be confident with his correction, since there won't be any time to change the report by then. Shrugging to yourself, you toss the things you need for the day into your tote bag and head out.
The walk to the chemical engineering block isn't too far from your dormitory if you take the shortcut, but this morning you decide to walk past the other academic buildings, brisk steps covering the longer route allowing you to vent out the nervous energy bouncing inside. As it is, you're already in the lab when Namjoon arrives, cheeks bulging like a squirrel harbouring what you guess is the last of his morning meal.
"Here," he barely manages to make out with his mouth full, handing you a packet of chocolate bread. "Have you been waiting long?"
You shake your head, both to his question and at your surprise at his gesture. "Aren't you going to eat that?" He asks. "I didn't poison it, you know."
"No eating in the lab," you state, dropping the bread in your bag. Then you smile at him, wanting to let him know that you appreciate it. "But thank you. I'll eat it later."
He laughs at your response. "You're such a good girl, y/n." For some reason, you can take his words as a compliment, blushing instead of feeling irritated as you would with someone else. Looking down at the bag where the food is being kept, you feel warm and suddenly relaxed. Lifting your gaze, you look at Namjoon settling down and rummaging his bag for the report. Then you realise; you trust him. He has proved all your expectations wrong and shown his capability and sense of responsibility over and over again. There's no reason for you to worry. He must have made the changes after making sure that he is correct, and you feel a little small for doubting him.
Still, when he turns the pages of the report, you lean closer to see the numbers his index finger is pointing at. "You just did a miscalculation here. It's supposed to be three-point-six to the power of negative five, not the power of negative six," he says in a matter-of-fact tone.
You plunge your hand into your bag to search for your calculator, but he is one step ahead of you. "Here, use mine," he says, setting the black device on the table so he can watch while you double check the mathematical workings.
He is right; your calculation was off by a power of ten. The guilt deepens as you try to formulate an apology. "I did get it wrong. I'm sorry about that, and thanks for correcting it."
"Hey, it's no big deal," he grins, the prominent dimples making another appearance. "I can't believe that the tiger actually makes mistakes."
"Excuse me?"
"Oh! Um," his eyes dart away from yours as he realises that he has committed a faux pas. "I didn't mean it in a bad way. Everyone makes mistakes after all."
"No, I don't mean that," you clarify. "What did you call me?"
This time you can see the tips of his ears colouring as you zone in on the slip of his tongue. "I thought you knew... the guys in our class call you that. B-behind your back, of course."
He says it like it's a good thing, but you ignore his last sentence. You know that they talk about you behind your back, but to have a nickname that isn't meant in a good way actually hurts more than you could have imagined. To you, caring about your grades is a good thing, necessary even, since you have a scholarship to maintain. Attending a private university costs a fortune, but you made your choice when you wanted to join one of the best programs the country has to offer. You have no choice but to do your best in assignments, tests and reports, even if it means having to be strict with your partners. It's just as frustrating for you to get an uncooperative teammate as it is for them to get an overzealous one.
"I'm sorry, I really shouldn't have said that," Namjoon apologises, correctly interpreting your silence as a sign of being hurt. "Especially since I don't agree with them."
"It's not like I enjoy asking people to do our joint assignments properly," you say, glad to hear that your voice is coming out strong and stable. "I'd love for someone else to take the reins, but we can't all be rich kids who don't need to care about their GPA."
"I understand. That's why I really am sorry."
You nod mutely, accepting his apology. A few moments of silence pass, and he adds, "Some rich kids do care about their GPA, you know."
Scoffing in disbelief, you glance sideways to see him already looking at you. "You mean, like you?"
"Well, more than academic performance, I'm actually interested in learning. I'm not here to just get a degree to make my parents happy. Although there's that too, of course," he acknowledges with a tilt of his head.
You hum thoughtfully at his statement, a little impressed despite yourself. Once in a while you've had to remind yourself that you're ultimately in the pursuit of learning, not just to get straight A's. "You must be one in hundreds then."
"The only one in this class probably," he laughs, and you can't help but crack a smile even though it isn't even that funny.
"And you're the only one around here who makes me feel happy just by smiling," he comments on your improving mood.
"What?"
"I'm just saying you should smile more. You look so uptight most of the time."
"How can I help it, with the guys calling me names behind my back," you say half-jokingly, trying to gloss over the fluttering of your heart at his previous comment.
"Who cares about them? A smart, capable woman like you doesn't need a man to survive, or to be happy. Unless... you need to get laid?" A wiggle of his eyebrows accompanies the last remark.
"W-what?" You repeat stupidly, flabbergasted at being asked such a daring question by the guy you've developed a crush on out of the blue.
"I mean, how long has it been since you've gotten some physical satisfaction?" He rests his elbow on the table and plants the side of his face in his palm, watching you as if your answer to the question is the most interesting thing in the world. You, on the other hand, don't think you've ever felt more mortified your entire life.
Before you can think of a response, he bursts into laughter. His impossibly deep voice makes his guffaw insanely sexy, and your body responds accordingly, tingling at the pleasant sound. "You're cute when you get all panicky like that. It's good to see another side of you, different from the intimidating student with perfect GPA. See, you're a normal human being just like the rest of us," he nudges you playfully and looks away, a signal that you're off the hook.
However, something about his words, something about him makes you want to answer the question. To expose your weak, vulnerable self. To show him that he should not be intimidated by you. "It’s been a while."
"Hmm?"
You're not sure if he didn't hear your whispered answer, or if he doesn't understand what you meant by it. "It has been a while since I... got any physical satisfaction, as you put it."
At first he looks surprised by your confession, but in a split second his features soften, then turn thoughtful. You can almost see the gears turning in his head before he ceases any and all of your mental activity by leaning in to whisper, "How long has it been since someone got this close to you, then?"
Warm breath tickles the shell of your ear, the close proximity, the smell of soap from his morning shower mixed with his scent causing your heart to beat twice as fast. "A-a while."
"Really?" He sounds genuinely surprised, but is quick to recover to pull back just a little so he can cup your face and look into your eyes. "Then... how long has it been since you've been kissed?"
Before you can answer, he darts forward, pressing his lips to yours. Even though the kiss is soft, almost hesitant, it catches you by surprise. Your eyes wide, unblinking, unlike his closed ones, so near you can see each eyelash, but not for long. It's not difficult to give in to the kiss, your eyelids fluttering shut and you press back against him.
Sensing your reciprocation encourages Namjoon to deepen the chaste contact, angling his head to get even closer and making things a lot less innocent. His tongue swipes your bottom lip and you part them immediately, letting him explore your mouth. The hand on your cheek remains there, his thumb softly brushing back and forth but his other hand has other ideas, moving down the side of your body.
The white lab coat you're wearing adds another barrier to his touch but he doesn't let it deter him, continuing to the hem of your skirt where it meets your knees. He pushes them apart so he could drag his stool a little closer between them, hiking your modest skirt up to your mid-thighs. You're already short of oxygen from his kiss, but air flow seems to completely stop as you feel the slightly rough palm brushing against your inner thighs, making its way closer and closer to your center.
Nervousness mounts inside you, but you don't want to stop him, regardless of what he may think when he discovers the proof of your arousal between your legs. Sure enough, it only takes a gentle pressure on your panties to tell both of you that you've soaked through the material. He pulls back a little, breaking the kiss but still close enough for you to see that his brown irises have all but disappeared with lust. "How long has it been since you've gotten this wet?"
His question retains some of the teasing that it had earlier, but it is almost unrecognisable under the need in his voice. "I don't remember," you breathe, barely able to get the words out. The statement is truthful; you honestly can't remember when you've gotten so aroused, if ever. All you know is that you want him to keep touching you, even if it causes you to burst into flames.
You sigh into his next kiss as he rubs your core through the ruined panties, but shame returns when he backs away and abruptly sinks to his knees between your legs. His hungry gaze pierces into you as he silently hooks the band of your panties. Biting your lower lip, you nod and lift yourself up using the seat as a leverage so he can pull your underwear down.
With your skirt bunched up nearly to your waist, your pussy is completely exposed to him. Knowing that he can see your juices dripping onto the stool fills you with utter mortification, but his position between your legs prevents you from closing them. He runs the tips of his fingers up and down your slit tentatively, experimentally applying more and more pressure, enjoying the increasing volume of your moans until two of his digits pierce into your warm heat.
You hiss in pleasure as your walls part to make room for his fingers, moving in and out slowly at first, but gradually gaining speed. Unconsciously you buck forwards, blinding searching for more, just a fraction of an inch but it doesn't go unnoticed by Namjoon. Using his free hand, he coaxes you to widen the space between your legs so he can lean forward to flick his tongue over your clit.
"Namjoon!" You gasp and he groans, from the taste of you or from his name uttered so wantonly from your lips, you're not sure which. He alternates between giving your bundle of nerves kittenish licks that drive you crazy and pressing the flat of his tongue against it, making you tremble. His digits never stop moving, now making obscene noises every time he shoves them into your flooding core, but you can't bring yourself to care.
That is, until his dewy lips form an 'o' to suck on your clit, and any remaining sense you have is tossed out the window. Your grip on the edge of the table is so hard that your knuckles  turn white but you hold on, calling his name over and over as the only thing you can think of is his mouth attacking your sensitive bud and his fingers hooking to brush against that spot inside you and you simply explode. From head to toe your body shakes from your orgasm, head thrown back as you hold on to the table and the strands of his hair so you don't topple off the stool.
Blinding white adorned with stars fills your vision as your high takes over, not noticing that Namjoon has removed his fingers so he can lap up your juices. Once you've regained your sight, he has already licked you clean, although the lower half of his face is covered with your essence. The sight floods your pussy again and this time you make the initiation, pulling him up to share a rough kiss, but before you can do anything else, the sound of your classmates approaching wrenches both of you back to reality.
Remembering where you are drives you into a panic, hopping down your seat to yank your ruined panties back on so hurriedly you almost fall over but Namjoon quickly grabs you by the shoulders and hold you steady until you're ready to sit again. Then he swiftly wipes his face with the sleeve of his shirt just as the first of the students pile in. Your cheeks are blazing with arousal and embarrassment, and for the rest of the morning you can't bring yourself to look at Namjoon for more than two seconds, focusing on the motions of the experiment instead of his face, his lips, his fingers... and the tent in his pants that he tries to hide by standing as close to the desk as possible.
After that incident, you find yourself talking to Namjoon a little more. Just a little more. Your conversations mainly revolve around classes and assignments, never anything personal, but at least you've gone beyond the formal weekly emails that you exchange for the sake of your lab reports. However, neither of you brought up that occurrence again, and you start thinking that it was just the one time. Slowly you're able to gather your courage to act normally around him again, even as your feelings for him grow, enraptured by his personality and wit. On the other hand, part of you is disappointed that he hasn't made another move since.
Your contact with him, even in classes are still minimal, since you usually sit with the more studious girls and he typically hangs around with the guys in the class, although sometimes you spot him sitting away from the rowdy crowd when he wants to concentrate. Times like these make you wish that you can sit next to him, wondering if he will make interesting comments on the topics covered in the courses as he usually does in your shared lab sessions. The cowardly side of you prevents you from taking the leap, afraid of what others will think if you suddenly sit close to him, wondering if people will assume that you're dating if you do so.
It's not much of a concern for Namjoon it seems, as you find out a fortnight later. Halfway through your Process Plant Design class, the lecturer flashes the next assignment on the large projector before the computer room. You look at the problem carefully, mentally planning the design of the heat exchanger in your mind, but your thoughts are interrupted when he declares that the work must be completed in pairs. Upon finishing his announcement, students get up from their chairs at once, navigating around the long tables to secure a partner of their choice. You're glued to your seat, watching your girl friends pair with each other, swivelling your head to see anyone you can team up with.
"Wanna do this together?"
Tilting your head up, relief washes over you even before you see Namjoon, because you already know that it's him. You'd recognise that pleasant voice anywhere. You nod, agreeing right away and pull up a chair so he can sit next to you in front of the computer you've been using. This course includes the usage of AutoCAD, a drawing software that you find very engaging. You thoroughly enjoy figuring out the commands needed to draw the equipment, examining the results at different angles, slowly building the 3-D models to completion.
As usual, you like to do things methodically, but Namjoon works a little differently than you do. You don't notice very much since you take turns working on the lab reports separately, but now that you're discussing the assignment, you realise that he loves trying new things. He prefers to attempt the problem at hand using steps that are not established, experimenting with the software. At first you find it extremely frustrating since it results in a lot of mistakes, but slowly you start to enjoy his way of going about the homework, learning almost as much about the software in one day as you have the whole semester.
In fact, the two of you get so engrossed in the drawing that you stay for over an hour after the class ends, the lecturer telling you that he needs to lock the room by eight that night and reminding you to leave by then. You don't stay that long, but the sky is already tainted a deep orange when you and Namjoon exit the building. You start heading off in the direction of your dormitory, but he stops you by grabbing your wrist, freezing you in your tracks at the first physical contact you've had with him since he touched you so intimately.
"Where are you going?"
"Back to my dorm," you answer incredulously. He must know where you're staying; most of the students are staying at the dorms, as the university is quite isolated, housing options are very limited.
"I'll walk you back," he offers, but it's more of a statement than a request.
"Isn't the boys' dormitory the other way?"
"Yeah, but it's getting late." True enough, the walkways between the buildings are deserted, most of the students have already headed back after classes, the latest of which is at 5 o'clock. You don't intend to argue with him, but the direction he's dragging you towards makes you dig your heels into the cemented walkway, forcing him to slow down, but you're not strong enough to make him stop completely.
"Namjoon! Why are we going this way?" You exclaim as he pulls you away from the buildings into the large circular garden in the middle of the academic structures.
"Because this is a shortcut, dummy."
"I know that," you retort. The beautiful campus has the departments built around the huge garden. Although a 'park' seems a more fitting term; it has sections of trees growing thick and in large enough groups that it's impossible to see through them, several gazebos and even a stream running through it. Cutting across the gorgeous green space would bring you to the other side of the academic grounds, and your dormitory lies just beyond. "But we’re not supposed to use this way after six!"
Namjoon rolls his eyes, suspecting the reason for your protests. "You don't believe this place is haunted, do you?"
"You know that if a security guard sees anyone entering this place after hours, they ask you to take the longer route, don't you?" You counter.
"Did you see any guard stopping us?"
"No."
"Good."
You jerk your arm out of his hold irritably, but continue to walk on the stones placed in a twisting path, a trail made for aesthetic purposes as well as to discourage people from trodding on the grass. "Do you know why one side of the buildings is never finished?" The buildings surrounding the garden are built in the shape of a five pointed star, but one side remains unfinished and deserted.
His non-committal shrug almost goes unnoticed out of the corner of your eye as you widen your strides, eager to escape the park. "It's because they won't let the university build on their land."
"Who's 'they'? You mean ghosts?" He doesn't sound convinced, not by a long shot, but he's not making fun of you either, and you're thankful for that.
"Ghosts. Demons. I don't know, supernatural beings. The university isn't new and it's not like they don't have money so why don't they finish it otherwise? It's the only explanation. And you know that stream is part of their dwelling too, don't you?" You point to the running water just a few metres away, repeating the stories your seniors have told you.
"You know that people say talking about them is a way of summoning them, don't you?" His soft whisper from behind you lends the words a creepy air and you immediately clamp your lips shut. You continue walking resolutely, fuming at your own idiocy. "You were the one who made me talk about it," you blame him. Only silence greets your unfair accusation, and after a few steps you realise that the sound of his sneakers have stopped.
Turning around, your heart leaps into your throat. Behind you stands no one. "Namjoon?" You call, fear making you frantic, wondering what caused his disappearance.
"Namjoon!" You start to retrace your steps despite being scared out of your wits, finding him being the only goal in your mind. However, before you can take more than a few steps, a hand taps your shoulder from behind, making you scream, the worst scenarios playing in your head. It's only Namjoon, laughing so hard he has to clutch his stomach.
"Fuck you, Namjoon! That was mean," you scold him, your voice coming out much louder than you intended as you realise that he must have hidden in some of the greeneries to scare you. You march past him at full speed, not caring for his company for a second longer.
He follows you from behind, still chuckling softly but it soon dies down when he realises how angry you are at his little prank. Catching up to you is easy with his long legs but upon catching sight of your teary eyes he sobers completely, then apologises somberly. You ignore that apology as well as his subsequent ones and after a while he falls silent. Still, he sees you right to your dorm, where you leave him without so much as a 'goodnight', much less a 'thank you'.
Over the next few days, messages from him continues to fill your inbox at sporadic intervals; either apologies or attempts to start a conversation, all of which are ignored, but he has a good sense to stop just before he gets on your nerves too much. The time also gives you a chance to reflect upon your actions. Instead of remaining angry at Namjoon, your vexation turns onto yourself. You're not completely unreasonable, and you do know that he was just playing a harmless joke, but when you actually think about it, the reason you're so annoyed is because how it made you react. The crush on him is something that you've already acknowledged, albeit a little begrudgingly, but what you didn't expect is the depth of your feelings for him.
You're used to being overlooked, used to being made fun of, used to being talked about behind your back, used to be taken advantage of and used to being the brunt of jokes due to your intimidating behaviour in classes, too-serious personality and strong outward front. You've told yourself over and over again that you don't care, yet it has made you even more closed off to people, afraid to show that you're just as flawed as the next person, that you're not strong because you want to be, but you're strong because you have to be. It doesn't matter what others think of you because people don't really know you, but with Namjoon it's different.
It may have started out as an accident, but Namjoon has seen through your cracks and instead of thinking less of you as you'd expected, he respects you even more as a person because of it. Your weaknesses, instead of being something to be hidden, becomes the reason he wants to get to know you better. The progress may have been slow, but you've been lowering your guard more and more around him as your trust in him grows. Perhaps that is why it hurt you so much when he laughed at you, even over something silly.
Your insecurities may have played a part in the way you reacted, but you know that it's your shock over your feelings for him that made you lash out. The thought of him in danger, or of simply being absent in your life leaves you cold and terrified. After being used to distancing yourself emotionally from most people, the thought of liking someone this much and potentially opening yourself to being hurt is more than you can handle.
Most of all, as more time passes by, the more idiotic and immature you realise you're being – up to the point where you have no idea what to say to redeem yourself. So when the following week rolls by you sit there on the bench next to him, watching him twist the small red valve wordlessly, still being stupidly silent because you don't know how to express regret over your behaviour.
The air between you and Namjoon is heavy, only broken by his simple comments at how much sodium hydroxide has been used to titrate the solution in the conical flask. Normally you would argue with him over the shade of pink your phenolpthalein has turned into, but this time you write down the readings without complaint, accepting his decisions; your foolish way of making up to him that he probably won't recognise.
Nothing worthy of note happens all morning until you're done with the experiment. You're washing the glasswares used while Namjoon puts them away, and just as you're rinsing the last beaker you hear a smash of glass next to you. The supervising postgraduate swoops down to your table, telling Namjoon off for breaking the glass burette. Others file out of the lab, eager to get lunch but you stay behind, even though you can't do or say anything while he's being berated for his carelessness.
With a warning to be careful in the future and orders to clean up the mess, she exits, still frowning and mumbling to herself, leaving Namjoon behind with you. You get off of your chair and walk over to the corner of the room, scooping up the broom and dustpan that sit on the floor. "That's okay, you can leave, I'll clean up," he says, but you shake your head and start sweeping up the pieces that fell on the floor. "Sorry for troubling you," he apologises yet again, starting to pick up the shards of glass on the table.
"Don't do that, you'll hurt yourself." You let go of the handle of the broom to reach for a cloth to protect your hands as you take the sharp remnants of the glassware from him. He nods gratefully, taking over the sweeping. "Besides, that's my line."
"What do you mean?" He asks, confused.
It's time to set your ego and fears aside. The only way for things to change, for better or worse, is to push past your insecurities. "I'm sorry for acting the way I did before. I know it was just a joke."
"Nah, I'm the one who took it too far," he brushes it off, but you want him to know that you're sincere. About everything.
"Still, I shouldn't have gotten so mad and ignored you after that," you reason, and before he can argue, you continue, "besides, I never returned the favour you did for me that time." You have doubts about bringing this up, but you want him to know what you desire and this is the only way you can think of to bring it about.
"What favour?" His expression is genuinely puzzled as he tips the contents of the dustpan into the special bin for broken glassware.
"Uhm, that... you know." You can feel your cheeks heating up, even though he isn't looking at you, too busy taking off his lab coat and folding it.
When he takes in your hesitation and expression, however, the topic that you're trying to broach suddenly clicks in his mind. "Oh." It delights you to see him flaring pink as well, for the first time seeing Namjoon in a less than his usual confident state. "You don't have to. I didn't do it to get anything in return."
"Why did you do it then?" You ask even though you're dreading the answer. It's not because he pities me, is it?
"Because... I like you," he says with a shy chuckle, rubbing the back of his neck nervously before mumbling, "and you look really pretty in a lab coat."
"Oh." This time it's you who aren't sure how to respond. The cleaning is done, but neither of you move, almost frozen, both not wanting to leave the company of the other. Namjoon has made his feelings clear. It's high time that you do the same. "Well, to be honest... I said I want to return the favour, but it's really because I want to do it."
"Oh." The tension is so thick that you can cut it with a knife. "Why do you want to do it?"
Presented with the same question that you've asked him before, you find the answer thankfully easy. "Because I like you too." With the confession off your chest, you step closer to him. Placing your palms on his chest, you note that he has gotten completely stiff, from shock or nervousness, you don't know which, but his muscles jump pleasantly under his shirt at your touch.
Putting your weight on the balls of your feet and his steady form, you tiptoe to press your lips against his. Namjoon's reactions are reflexive, leaning down so he can deepen the kiss, his hands on your back pushing your body flush against his. Evidence of his arousal is made clear to you just as you feel your underwear dampening, reminding you of your promise. This time it is you who sink down on your knees, trying to make quick work of his belt and jeans. Although the lab takes up most of the floor and it is lunch time, if anyone passes by they can still see you and Namjoon, but that risk adds to the thrill of doing something forbidden. No one would believe that the rigid model student would do such a thing, in a laboratory, no less.
Once you manage to undo his button and zipper, you impatiently pull it down with his boxers, and his cock slaps you in the face as it's released from its confines. "Shit! Sorry, are you okay?" He cups your face in concern, but it doesn't mask how his voice has grown husky with lust. You smile up at him, taking his shaft in your fist and flicking your tongue over the tip, much like the way he flicked his own over your clit weeks ago.
Namjoon's groans fill your ears as you suck on the head, growing louder when you take more and more of him in your mouth. You start bobbing your head up and down his cock, giving him a preview of your warmth as your pussy gets wetter and wetter, begging for his dick. Your hand pumps the other half of his length that you can't quite swallow, meeting your lips every time you take him in. His fingers tangle in your hair, his tight grip providing you with balance but he doesn't force your movements. "God, you're amazing," he croaks when you fondle his balls gently with your free hand, the sudden twitch of his hips warning you of his impending high but you stop before he could reach his peak.
The only sounds coming out of his gaping mouth are the noisy inhale of air to replenish the oxygen in his lungs, but you can see the disappointment etched across his features at your denial. "Namjoon, I want you. Inside me," you tell him clearly, leaving no room for doubts or misunderstandings.
"A-are you sure?"
"Yes," you confirm, nearly tearing up as you rub your legs together, you need him that much. He helps you to your feet and you let him, not trusting the little strength left in the lower half of your body, but he doesn't stop there. A squeal escapes you when he lifts you into his arms, prompting you to wrap your legs around his waist so he can carry you to the table you'd just cleaned earlier, depositing you on the surface and placing himself between your dangling legs.
"Do you know how cute you are when you make sounds like that?" He asks right before he smashes his lips against yours, not giving you an opportunity to answer. "How beautiful you are when you have a serious look on your face?" Your mewls are muffled as he nips on your bottom lip. "How sexy you are when you're like this?" He undoes as many buttons of your blouse as he can without taking off your lab coat, exposing the tops of your breasts to him. "Do you have any idea how hard I've been crushing on you all semester?" He flips your skirt up and pushes your soiled panties to the side, shoving two of his fingers all the way to his knuckles easily due to your overflowing juices.
"Namjoon," you moan, holding on to him for dear life as he slams his digits into you over and over again, already making you shudder with excitement and desire.
"Do you know how delicious you taste?" Retracting his fingers from your heat, he pushes them into your mouth, watching like a depraved man as you suck on them, tasting yourself as your eyes lock onto his. "I could eat you out all day," he professes, coaxing you to lie down on your back and staring at your pink center with only his starving gaze makes  you squirm.
You'd love to feel his mouth devouring your pussy again but right now you're desperate for something else. "I need you inside me right now Namjoon. Please."
"Anything you wish," he says with a grin. He tugs your underwear off and runs the head of his cock along your folds, coating it with your arousal. You're already going crazy with the simple contact, and you know you're destined for insanity the moment he pushes into you. Inch by inch he spreads you open, stretching you to the limit to make room for his cock until he's completely buried inside you.
For several moments all you can do is focus on your breathing, while he pauses to give you time to adjust to his size. "Damn, you're so tight. I don't know how long I can last like this," he breathes.
"I don't care. I just want you, Namjoon."
"Fuck," he mutters to himself at your words and begins to move, withdrawing until only the tip remains inside you, then plunging all the way in with such force that you let out a grunt as you're pushed back on the table. "Are you okay?"
"More than okay. It feels so good."
That is all the approval Namjoon needs. Holding your waist in a bruising grip, he starts thrusting hard, mercilessly pounding you into the unforgiving wooden surface. You can't control your cries of pleasure bordering on pain from his powerful thrusts, but you don't want him to stop, so you circle your legs around his middle, lifting your hips to try to meet his piston-like movements.
"Just look at your boobs bouncing in your lab coat like that, fuck you're so hot," he murmurs appreciatively at the sight before him. On the other hand, you can only whimper pathetically as your body jiggles with his thrusts, your limbs starting to tremble as he shoves you closer and closer to the edge.
His name falls from your lips repeatedly with growing urgency as you spin further and further out of control until you finally snap. Your screams heightens his pleasure almost as much as the sensation of your walls caving down on his cock, forcing his own high as he fucks you through your own. His release is hot inside your depths, and you relish the feeling, especially when he moans your name and bends over your body, burying his face in the crook of your neck. Soft kisses along your collarbones draws out a sigh of contentment from you, allowing yourselves a moment to come down from your euphoria before reality takes over.
As soon as you're both dressed, Namjoon helps you off the desk, but doesn't release your hand. His thumb swipes your hand back and forth tenderly as he asks, "I know I went about this all wrong, but would you be my girlfriend, y/n?"
You nod bashfully and feel his interlaced fingers tighten around yours as he smiles happily at your answer, his dimples giving you the urge to poke them. As you stroll out of the lab hand in hand, you wonder to yourself if you should bring an extra pair of underwear in your bag from now on.
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