#apologies this isn't more articulate i am so tired but i wanted to say something

[septembersghost]

in 2013, i feverishly marathoned breaking bad for about two weeks, suddenly wanting in on what was happening because it was such a cultural phenomenon. i crunched it in so fast that it probably did something to my brain - the first episode i had caught up in time to see live was ozymandias. (another show i'd loved was ending around that same time and was going very badly in its final season - if you know, you know - and breaking bad was also a distraction from that initially, but ended up being a fascinating juxtaposition.) in hindsight, i probably watched it too quickly at the time for it to have its full effect, but it was such an intense rollercoaster. i still remember the chills i had at "just get me home, i'll do the rest," at those closing strains of baby blue at the end of felina.

i rewatched breaking bad in 2019, more slowly, much more solitary, after the news of el camino was announced. (after the loss of my beloved dog who had once barked at walt.) the scope of it and its tragedy unfolded differently for me then. i (unpopularly, perhaps) had more sympathy for walt the second time around, and a very different perspective on his difficulty asking for or accepting help that is an initial burning ember of his descent. i ached more for jesse, who's seeking something in all the wrong ways, who tries so hard to be loyal to those undeserving of it, who has to pass through hell to make it back into the land of the living. there are images that are so indelible. the pink teddy bear. every expanse of desert. a red floor. skyler walking into the pool in despair, the eerie blue around her like a curse. it's such a masterwork, but far more than the violence or the action or the western influences or the villainy, i was struck on that rewatch by the desperate humanism. people are trying to survive, trying to cope, trying to get justice by seeking revenge and realizing the two can never meet, trying to claw their ways out or to the top and sinking further in, but it's all deeply human. that's what makes it effective, it never loses sight of that, even in the bleakest of its moments.

when better call saul was announced and people didn't know what exactly it would be - comedy? case of the week? courtroom drama? - i just remember being excited because i'd be able to join it from the beginning, and i did. i started watching that first night and stayed, and it's fitting, in a way, that i never experienced breaking bad like that - it was so clamorous, so fast - and yet weekly, yearly, i did have the steady slow burn of bcs. i can't tell you when i knew it was special. i could say it was in the very first episode, in that perfect noir lighting of the parking garage. or mike's monologue in five-0. or the devastating, quietly reeling, "i thought you were proud of me," in pimento. but it was clear that it was rising to the occasion, that it belonged in the firmament category with its predecessor.

the show felt way more personal to me, for reasons that are hard to articulate. i remember when they mentioned my city in S2, and the fact that we'd dealt with some difficulties with the care facility my grandmother had been living in when she passed the year before, and how it made the texture of jimmy's world feel so close and real. i remember watching kim and her post-it note montage, and just thinking how resonant she was to me. strangely enough, until this last season, it was a show i very much kept to myself. i look back at my old blog and can't believe the lack of its presence there. i don't know why i didn't post about it more often. i wish i had, if for no other reason than to have diaristic record of the emotions, but at the same time it left it in a sacred space. breaking bad was excellent, but better call saul was remarkable. it was a show that was very much mine.

i rewatched it, too, after el camino, in preparation for S5, and then when S5 began in 2020, i was very annoying about it because i wanted to watch it live. (a show i once loved that was ending was, for a brief time, airing in the same timeslot. in fifteen years, i'd never intentionally skipped it, but i did for bcs. it was more important. also, note a pattern here with things coming to bad endings and this universe being an unexpected balm to that agony lol.) my mom had never seen it, nor brba. she had to endure me dropping her into the unknown, and she was like, well, fine, if you're going to make me watch this, then i may as well watch the whole thing so i know what's happening. and we did, and she became as enrapt and invested as i am. i think i even appreciated its gorgeous cinematography - which is such an artform and such a signature of the show - more when she was noting it in awe with me. she came to love it just as much, and there was such a magic in watching her connect with it that i think it made me hold the show even closer.

i love a lot of trash (i say this fondly), because i'm a character person over a plot person a lot of the time - give me characters to love and i will persevere and put up with a certain amount of nonsense, i can't help it. i fall in love with characters. bcs exists in this place of honor where it's both prestige television with astoundingly intricate writing and character development and every plot is interconnected without a thread being dropped, and yet it's also beloved to me. it's truly a gem. i love these characters so dearly, despite the fact that it's a dark universe and, yes, many of them do terrible things. the sacred hearts, the myriad identity issues, the justice complexes, the sacrifices. the love story that feels so intimate and honest that it's unlike any other romance on television. its existence as a ghost story, as many of us have discussed. the people feel so grounded and real that they become a part of us. i've said this before and i'll say it again - the story may not be real, but the love we have for it is.

there's so much i could say about them all, this entire cast of indelible characters, but i just want to give a moment to kim wexler. kim and i are not particularly alike as women in certain ways - i wear my heart on my sleeve, i cry too easily, i'm terrible at confrontation, i'm too soft and dreamy. in other ways though, i understand her. the propensity to listen instead of speak, the insularity (in my case from being an extreme introvert), the sense of aloneness, the anxiety, the carefulness (in both what she says and things like changing punctuation over and over in a document to get it right), and even the sense that this world is structured horribly unfairly and the wish that something could be done about it, and how easily that desire can go wrong. the way she wanted more. i always admired her unwavering resilience, her capacity for understanding and unexpected decisions, her intellect, the depth of her heart underneath what she was willing to show to most. we, the audience, were let in to see that. it was almost conspiratorial, between she and us (sometimes with and sometimes without jimmy). the facets of that character that were explored and that rhea portrayed so stunningly are unendingly special to me.

seeing her fall and her self-loathing and her guilt and her diminishment has actually been quite hard on me - it's fathoms away from what i live with and yet also feels too close, like invisible scratches across my skin. as someone who's so self-hateful/critical/blaming, as someone who feels like she walks around in the body of a long-dead girl whose potential was wasted, as someone whose illness stopped her life cold and made it very small (at this point, has essentially made it a single room), it's not something i'd wish on anyone, including fictional characters i cherish. it's probably overly identifying, it's emotional rather than logical reasoning, but that's how i'm wired. i love her so much and i want something better for her now. some measure of healing and hope. i don't need a "happy" ending, we know the abquniverse is troubled and tragic, but she has been through her suffering and trevails, and i'll still wish for her to come back into the light somehow. i still want her to save herself.

maybe it's like orpheus, and you cannot look back. it's a sad song, but we sing it anyway. michael mando said in an interview recently that these shows have developed their own mythology, like modern homeric tales, they are epics and fatally flawed hero's journeys, and it's stunning how they've done that while still keeping everything very grounded and realistic and tangible. there are no paranormal happenings, no gods interfering, no manipulations by fate, and yet the breadth of that humanistic philosophy is an ethereal power in itself. the show feels literary. it feels textured and rich and lived in. it looks like nothing else and that visual language has painted itself across our minds as viewers. it's unexpected not only in its tragedy but in its humor, in its profound exploration of the human condition, in its romanticism.

i'm rambling and i don't know what exactly i want to say here, because any tribute i write will be inadequate. i wasn't a part of the fandom until we got here to the end, to this final season. (i am very sorry to the people i've bothered talking about it so much and emotionally analyzing it, that was certainly never intentional.) maybe i should have kept it to myself, but it has been wonderful sharing it with all of you, and i feel very blessed and grateful that it brought such amazing things to my dash, and such thoughtful, wonderful people into my life. i'm so thankful i got to share it with friends i already knew, and new friends i was lucky enough to find. it's been an absolute pleasure to spend this time and share our thoughts together.

endings are hard. no matter what, they are, because it's closing a chapter, and you can never have it again anew, even if you revisit it. there was a very kind post about this on the sub. we experience a sense of grief at endings, and i think we need the time and space to feel that. passions and stories and art do keep us alive.

i am endlessly thankful i had this one, in a way that i don't quite feel for any other show. if i'd loved it less, maybe i could've talked about it more. these past years have been so unrelentingly difficult for me, just this year itself has been such a struggle, but there was a constancy and a sense of...not even escape, necessarily, but exploration and empathy, that i found throughout the course of bcs. i have endless admiration for the actors who portrayed these roles to perfection, to the directors and cinematography that made the show so exquisite to look at, to the writers who worked to honor every step of the journey, to the costuming, to the music, every part of the show handled with such artfulness and care. it does make my heart hurt to come now to the final curtain, and we're not only saying goodbye to this show, but to the entirety of the universe that encompasses it, to a story that began fourteen years ago, no matter when we joined it. in the end, the hurt is only another aspect of that love and the gratitude i have. i'm so glad i made that decision to watch back when i did. i'm so glad each of you who's here did too. it's been quite a ride.

[valleynix]

How I Would Have Written Resident Evil: Village

let me preface this by saying a few things: i am slightly tipsy as i write this, so i apologize for any misspellings, incorrect lore, or things not articulated well. i also do not hate Ethan nor the original story of RE8, but i do think there was a lot of wasted potential and unnecessary plot holes

moving on, under the cut

i'll start off by saying that i loved Biohazard. it's genuinely one of my favorite games and the atmosphere is done so well. i love the horror, the mix of action, and the genuine fear you can feel as you run around, searching for answers.

Village did not have this, and it was a massive disappointment, as was the game itself, overall. i do still love it and it'll always be one of my favorites, but Capcom fumbled hard with the plot and the general story.

let's start off with this: in my own little fantasy land where Capcom doesn't hate women (joke), Mia would have been the protagonist in Village. think about how well the story could have gone between her knowledge from the Connections, her unknown relationship with Miranda, the fact she likely would have been struggling to actually fight (just like Ethan should've), and how much different her interactions would be.

i'm genuinely so tired of seeing husbands and/or fathers searching for their lost wife and/or child in horror games. appeal to a different audience!!! where's my mother searching for her lost child, taken by Eldritch horrors???

anyway, i won't be super detailed, but we'll say Mia is the protagonist and Ethan is sidelined :3

throughout the game, i personally would have made it much more obvious that the lords are indeed a family. like, i thought it was obvious enough, but apparently lots of people in this fandom didn't get the memo?? so i would make it more apparent.

and just like i mentioned in the one video i'd already made on this (kinda), i would have changed the lords' appearances and their deaths, pretty much meaning that only Donna (maybe) would have been killed. everyone else would have just been something for her to escape from.

(i'm sorry this isn't super detailed. i don't want it to turn into an eight hour essay, which i may do for a video later on, but anyway)

i will say that i probably would have changed the beginning sequence and made it more mother-daughter focused before Rose is taken. like, imagine Rose being kidnapped right from under Mia's nose without all the brutality and shooting, as comedic as that was, once you knew. the whole thing with Chris not telling Ethan what was going on was probably the dumbest thing in these games and i will forever stand by that.

so, we'll just say that Miranda somehow finds a way to subdue Mia long enough to kidnap baby Rose, and Mia wakes up cold and alone and has to follow a barely-there trail of footprints and feathers that eventually lead her to the village and the horrors within

i also probably would have kept the game during nighttime or early morning, simply because of how terrifying that would be. it's not as fun when you can blatantly see the mutants trying to stalk you (ahem. lycans.)

at this point, Rose is taken and we now have an angry mother on our hands that is very wary of what's going on around her, but now knows that Miranda is a culprit (because in my mind, Miranda has no real reason to hide from Mia, and came to her in her true form). this would leave the audience to question what she really knows and what she's been hiding, and while it would create skepticism, it would also generate curiosity.

Mia traverses the village in relative darkness, led only by the moon's light (hehe symbolism) and the occasional torch. she searches the village for any inhabitants, and while she mostly finds blood and corpses, she also finds a group of people still surviving and untrusting of her.

i think the scariest thing would be that every time Mia progresses and comes back to the village, more people are missing and she finds out rather quickly that it's Miranda's doing. this would leave a sense of fear within her: Miranda is watching and waiting, she is causing Mia distress and threatening her without outright doing anything, letting her know she is unsafe and alone without ever laying a hand on her.

we'll say she goes to Donna's first, under the impression that the hermit dollmaker could have taken Rose per Miranda or she's just being mislead by Miranda posing as a villager (or even the witch lady). from there, she's forced through hallucinations, vivid fabrications of Rose and Ethan, all while struggling to see what is real and what's made up.

she finds out that Rose isn't at the Beneviento Estate, but now, Donna isn't letting her leave. she's not allowed to let her visitors through those doors, saying something similar (though perhaps slightly more afraid) to, "Don't leave... I can't let you." this may hint at the fact that Donna herself does not want to hurt Mia, but cannot let her leave.

Donna's boss fight consists of hallucinations and fabrications, and Mia "dies" when she succumbs to one and doesn't realize what it actually is. there is no "monster" in this section, but it's probably one of the scariest parts, as it takes place throughout the blackened estate and the dolls are, in fact, still moving and making little noises.

Mia escapes somehow, and when she returns to the village, she overhears a conversation from Miranda and someone else (perhaps Rednic?) basically hinting at the megamycete and the ritual and what needs to be done. this begins the plot of finding out what the fuck is going on and where the hell is her daughter, which she believes will be found together.

(sad mother moments, of course. i'd make them tearjerking.)

Mia then finds herself stumbling to Moreau's reservoir, cold and angry, and from here, she starts to realize just how deep Miranda's corruption really goes and how much danger she's actually in. in her mind, prior to this, she thought Miranda was under some kind of control or that she was simply a lackey in a larger scheme of things.

after all, the Miranda she knew was much different than this one, much less angry and violent. Mia doesn't recognize this woman any longer, and she begins to find herself very afraid of what she's gotten herself into, though she doesn't regret it.

Mia hears Moreau's pleas for his mother to help him, to be proud of him, to notice him, and all Mia can feel is the heartbreak of a mother watching this child throw a tantrum for his mom's attention. she tries to kill him, but in the end, she finds herself out of ammo and cornered and freezing her ass off, as well as injured from wounds so graciously gifted to her by lycans and the varcolac.

she escapes, leaves Moreau to his cries and his desperation, and at this point, Mia wonders just how much farther she can go until she collapses. she remembers those little moments with Rose when everything was starting to look up and when she thought her life was going to be normal again, and for a time, she fades into unconsciousness.

when she wakes, it's eerily quiet, and she knows she needs to leave. after more of the villagers go missing and they mention laughing and screaming from the castle, Mia decides she will go there next in her attempt to find Rose and take her away from this fucked up place, get her out of Miranda's grasp before she can do god knows what with her.

the castle is... eerie, yes, but not quite as dangerous as she had been expecting. she meets the Dimitrescus and she's most likely flirted with a bit (as they tend to do), and because Mia is a woman, her pleas are heard and she is allowed to speak, if only for a moment. they come to find that Mia is only there for her daughter and she will gladly leave once she's found, but they're under orders from Miranda now to keep Mia alive (wink wonk).

that doesn't stop them from chaining her up and giggling as they leave, as they did before. i'd make the castle much darker and make more noises throughout the halls, like footsteps or quiet laughter, maybe some soft clanging or things slightly being moved, like vases or chairs, only for there to be nothing.

it's creepy, but there's nothing outright dangerous until Mia finds herself cornered in the kitchens with a very angry Bela now out for blood. she holds back only a little during this little spat, but eventually, it gets to the point that Mia shoots open the window and only distracts Bela before she runs and manages to get away.

(it's now a safe room for her, as Bela would have run away when her weakness was exposed and warmed up, bruised ego be damned. she'll just regroup with her sisters and go from there).

i think the phone call scene would still happen, but it would be a little different. at the very least, it would still show that Miranda does not care about the lords as much as she claimed to and cares more about the ritual and ceremony, but now Lady Dimitrescu is pissed and wants Mia out of her castle before she can actually kill one of her daughters.

(i like to think Bela and/or Cassandra would be in the room, quietly observing, and if the player looks away long enough, looking back would show one or both of them staring right at Mia before quickly looking away. you know the drill).

Mia somehow finds a way to sympathize with Lady Dimitrescu, perhaps because she refuses to kill Daniela while the former is nearby or something, and she ends up escaping (though it's obvious the action is allowed, as Lady Dimitrescu is blatantly keeping her distance but ensuring Mia is chased out. yada yada).

more creepy village stuff happens, more fights with lycans, blah blah. i'm not entirely sure what to do here, but i'll think more on it.

the factory would be last, and i think it would be incredibly interesting with Heisenberg likely knowing that Mia and Miranda had a past together. he might try to use that against her and try to convince her that Rose is their only hope for being free (maybe playing into what she'd seen with his siblings), but he's ultimately denied again.

Mia doesn't know this dude, doesn't know his true intentions or if teaming up with him will guarantee her death at the price of his freedom. everything she'd gone through would have been for nothing, and so, she refuses.

i think the factory would have been creepier if the mechanical noises weren't so loud and in-your-face, but that's just me. keeping the lights low and the enemies quieter but still lit up would have been great, but oh well.

after making it through the factory and proving how strong she really is (never doubt a mother), she is, once again, faced with the opportunity to join Heisenberg or join the dead. she denies him once more, manages to escape the factory (and Sturm) as metal flies by and she's probably pierced a few times, and when she eventually becomes free, she just collapses in the middle of a dusk-lit village.

she's been through so much, lost everything dear to her, and she still hasn't found answers or her daughter. she begins to wonder if she ever left that first hallucination at Lady Beneviento's but she's too tired to care-

and then the moldy tendrils begin breaking from the ground, near enough to terrify her but far enough to know that she's not in immediate danger. she hears laughter and searches through the mold (which she comments on), vision blurry, only to completely freeze when she finds Miranda standing near one of the tendrils, watching her with a fond smile on her face.

this is all i've thought about (because the ANGST of seeing your, at the very least, old coworker/friend who is now a CULT LEADER and trying to kill you...) but i'll probably expand way more on it if i ever do a video on it. i didn't want this to turn into a massive ramble (even if it already did), so i'll pause here for now.

i didn't hit everything i wanted to and i'm sure i'm missing a LOT of points, but these were all the major things i would have changed or implemented. i am very tired and tipsy, and i do apologize for anything that doesn't sound quite right or that's left with like... no other point or explanation. i'll do better next time <33

[unluckyxse7en]

your tags on that polyamory being queer post are SO good. this is exactly the reason intersex people are included under the queer umbrella and lgbt acronym (like lgbtqia+), but people who are and aren't intersex will discourse about it and say intersex isn't queer and that it's only included because intersex people are seen as "inherently nonbinary" which isn't true and that's never why it was included, but okay :|

(Adding the screenshot of the tags in question mostly bc future me WILL need context kdfkdkkf)

And. God yeah, exactly!!!! Tbh, and this is pretty mainstream, but I realized a lot of this mindset a while ago, when I was able to articulate why I had so much issue with people bitching about cishet aces in the community.

Being ace and understanding there’s still so much you have to go through, to unlearn, and risk punishment for when it’s literally a part of who you are and not something you can control or change…. It just stands to reason this extends to other issues as well, and is a core reason it’s more important to seek that solidarity in similar communities, than tear them apart because you can’t see their struggles past the differences.

Ace people aren’t “the enemy”. Intersex people aren’t “the enemy”. Polyamorous people aren’t “the enemy”. “The enemy” is society and media and even more modern “traditions” telling us there can only be one right way.

Ace and intersex and polyamorous people, and so many others, need a community, and while they can have and form their own, it can be so much safer to have a larger community backing you. We need to be able to give each other that option. To give each other that safety.

I hope it was ok to respond openly to this and lmk if not, but I really appreciated the ask and wanted a chance to yell more because seriously…. Why don’t more people Understand™️.

(Disclaimer: it is very late and I am very tired while writing this, and I’m queuing it up, so I apologize if I wrote any of this poorly or if I look like I’m getting hung up on the wrong part.)