#arabian nights plus tears

[seasaltmemories]

Rosea Puella: Year 9

Rating: T

Summary: After all these years, Kougyoku tried to teach herself how to treasure domesticity.

~

Kougyoku held her breath and counted.

Eight, nine, ten.

She let it go just as she let go of his hands.  Red eyes widened but before Judal could say anything she scampered back to her room and tried not to cry.

It had been difficult to shed all her pain and trauma, even if had only been for less than an hour.  Even the Kougyoku who had been happy and content with her life as a princess had never had the opportunity to so openly express her desires.  A few lingering voices kept screaming that she was stupid and naive to think that anything resembling romance would ever go good for her.  She was only opening herself up to the potential to be hurt again.

But don’t I deserve happiness too? Don’t I deserve to be loved as well?

The fear didn’t go away, but it seemed to settle itself with her decision.  What was done was done.  And after attempting such a harrowing task on one of her bad days, she honestly didn’t even have the energy to be anxious.  For now, rest would do.

The rest of the day passed in a languid, sleepless haze, until late that night, she heard her door creak open.  With a start, she sat up to find Judal staring at her with those wild red eyes.

“What are you doing here?!”  She didn’t mean for her words to be so sharp, but their edge was hard to dull.

“I thought this was what you wanted!”  He snapped back.  “Why are you yelling at me?!”

“I’m not--” Kougyoku sighed, realizing that she had unknowingly raised her voice.  “I’m sorry.  You surprised me.”  Apologies didn’t flow easily off her tongue either, but she had told herself a long time ago she at least had to try.  “I’m less angry and more...confused.”

Judal seemed taken aback by her words.  With a scoff, he crossed his arms.  “I have more of a right to be confused.  First you say all this sappy nonsense, and then you run away.  Half your shit didn’t make sense, but you mentioned ‘trying things again’ and well...” He focused his gaze on an empty corner of the room.  “Isn’t this what we usually do?”

A flash of heat traveled the length of her body.  God, even after all these years it came to her with the same virginal restlessness.  She hadn’t thought of their discussion as an invitation to her chambers, but now that he had laid the offer at her feet, she was tempted.  Whenever she overwhelmed her body, her mind didn’t have the ability to worry at all.  Such a familiar distraction.

But is it possible to break new ground while falling into old patterns?

“That’s not what I was implying.”  For now she figured that was the most honest answer.

Judal raised an eyebrow.  “So you don’t want to fuck me?”

“I didn’t say that.”  She didn’t know whether to laugh or scream at the absurdity of their situation.  “But I, I...I want to see if our relationship can exist beyond just that. And right now I’m not sure I can fuck you without simply using you as a means of release.”

Judal ran a hand through his hair.  “Look, why don’t you just tell me what to do then?  Otherwise I’m just gonna end screwing this up.”  With a plop, he sat down next to her.  For a moment all she could do was stare at him while he stared blankly back.

What exactly did she want?  She knew in an abstract sense she wanted romance and butterflies and all the sweetness that came with those love ballads, but she had no clear picture how to achieve such a thing.

“Can I kiss you?”  Suddenly it felt as if they were children again, feeling around all the awkwardness of adolescence.  

Her request made Judal blink.  He didn’t answer, but instead slowly nodded his head.

Before she could lose her courage, she leaned forward and pressed her lips against his.  It was as chaste as could be, yet she found herself counting just as she had when they held hands.  Meanwhile Judal didn’t seem to react at all.

As she pulled away, Judal rose to stand.  “Call me if you need anything else,”  He muttered before scurrying away.  With a sigh, Kougyoku flopped against her sleeping mat.  The sleep that followed was dreamless and deep.

~

The following winter, Judal couldn’t tell if things got better or worse.  This time he got the attention the evil little brat inside of him so desperately needed.  This time he was more than just a ghost haunting a family that had learned to live without him.  

The child by now had grown used to him, climbing all over him and giving him the same lack of regard she held for the others.  And meanwhile it felt like some of the old Gyoku was back.  Her moods weren’t gone and neither was that adult hesitation.  Multiple times he saw her squeeze her eyes shut, as if her next action would require all her concentration.  Yet often what followed wasn’t a tired sigh, but a light touch on his arm.  She hadn’t been this free with her affection since they were children.  In theory it was everything he wanted, but for some question he spent many nights remembering Hakuryuu.

It probably didn’t help that he and Gyoku had fallen in an imitation of their old nightly rituals.  Back then, even as he crept into her room like a demon ready to ravish some unsuspecting maiden, his thoughts had often been elsewhere.  He didn’t remember much from those nights, just the scorching anger he felt at the world.  And even if he didn’t burn quite so much anymore, it was difficult to keep his mind from wandering now that he returned to her quarters at night, waiting for her instructions.  Sometimes she sent him away, other times she asked to hold his hand.  One time, Gyoku clung to his bony frame for an entire night, as if he was a child with her doll. Meanwhile it was all Judal could do was stare at the ceiling and try to keep from shaking.

When dawn broke, he used it as an excuse to rise for the day.  It didn’t matter he hadn’t gotten a lick of sleep, he just had to escape that suffocating affection.

Yet he evaded Gyoku only to bump into the eunuch making breakfast in the kitchen.

For a minute, Judal could only stand there completely frozen.  For all their disagreements, the eunuch had never quite caught him with his pants down like this.  He didn’t know if there was still a chance for him to sneak back to Gyoku’s room or if he needed to prepare to start dodging knives.

“If you’re not going to help, then just go ahead and sit down.”  The eunuch shook the frying pan.  “I should have prepared enough eggs for the both of us.”

Judal studied him, making sure that he hadn’t suddenly grow a second head and was still the same Ka Koubun that seemed to be itching for any excuse to kill him.  But the eunuch kept quietly cooking without even sparing Judal a glance.

So with nothing else to do, he sat down and tried to make sure nothing extra was slipped into his portions.

They spent most of their meal together eating in silence.  Even if Judal was pretty sure, the eunuch hadn’t poisoned him, it wasn’t like they often spoke to one another, much less spent time together alone like this.  Judal realized that he should probably not press his luck any further and just slither off this his room to try and catch some sleep.  But the tension kept weighing on him, like a stone around his neck.  In time he couldn’t help but blurt out, “So you can probably figure out what is going on.”

“Oh, I’ve known for a while now.” The eunuch cocked his eyebrow.  “Of Gyoku’s many virtues, subtlety is not one of them."  He turned the cup of tea in his hands.  “If anything I’m surprised it didn’t happen sooner.  I thought she wanted you back mostly as an...outlet.”

Judal shoved a forkful of eggs in his mouth.  As much as he wanted to shoot back something scandalous, he did his best to hold his tongue until he conjure up a proper reply.

“I don’t think anybody but Gyoku can ever tell what goes on in that head of hers.  I gave up trying years ago.”

The eunuch dragged his nail around the rim of the cup.  “That’s not how she talks about you though.”

“What?”  Judal hadn’t meant to drag on this conversation any longer than it had to, but in the end his curiosity had trumped his pragmatism.

“It doesn’t matter that I have spent most of her lifetime serving her, taking care of her, apparently I can never understood her like you do.” He put on a grin, but it held no pleasantries.  “To be frank I am quite jealous of you.”

A deadly silence cut between the two of them.  Without realizing it, Judal found himself glancing outside again, tracing the path he could take to leave Xiaoshi.

You’d break Gyoku’s heart, but that’s all your good at aren’t you?  You ruin things, so why get used to a temporary happiness?

“You know what?  I agree you probably deserve her love more than me,” Judal sighed.  “I’m truly grateful for all that you’ve done for both her and the kid.  You’ll likely always be the better caretaker.”

For a beat, it seemed all the eunuch could do was stare at Judal with the stupidest of faces.  He couldn’t help but ruin any of his previous sincerity with that laughter that erupted from him unbidden.

“What’s your game?” The eunuch’s voice grew rough with emotion.  “It’s not like you to be so humble.”

“Good to know it looks so awful on me.” Judal grinned, but slowly sobriety overtook him once more.  “But as much as sometimes I wonder if I have any use here, I’m trying to remember that Gyoku chose us both, didn’t she? Even if you hate me, we should respect her decisions, shouldn’t we?”

The eunuch bit his lip, the lines of his pulled back tight with tension.  Judal wasn’t sure if he would faint from exhaustion or jump across the table and cut his head off.

“You sure know how to be irritating,” Golden-brown eyes snapped open.  “Even when you’re ultimately right.”  Ka Koubun stood, as if the conversation was done, however before he left completely, he turned and faced Judal one last time.  “Just make sure you aren’t leading her on.”

It should have been just another one of his threats, but for some reason those words stuck to Judal for the rest of the season.  Whenever he glanced outside, whenever he started retracing that familiar path, Ka Koubun’s warning would ring through his head.

On the first day of spring, Gyoku approached him full of girlish energy as the child squirmed in her arms.

“It’s tradition for us to view the peach blossoms, you have to come!”  She pulled him into her embrace, and the three of them moved together as a tangled mess of limbs and laughter.

Their steady touch guided him down a route he could  have never imagined for himself.

~

After all these years, Kougyoku tried to teach herself how to treasure domesticity.

Although fear and inadequacy had been the main forces that drove her from Rakushou, its constant stream of politics and intrigue had never been as comfortable as Xiaoshi’s slow, deary pace.  As a painful and agonizing process it had been, she had created a life here for herself.  It seemed ungrateful to act like nothing had been gained.

In fact, if a stranger came across them, Kougyoku realized they might be mistaken for any other normal, happy family.  The revelation didn’t make looking her neighbors in the eye any easier, but it made her start to feel like she might not actually be some strange monster only mistaken for a human.

But warmer weather not only brought lighter moods, but lighter clothing as well. And for the first time since Judal returned, she found herself having to grip with just how beautiful he actually was.

Of course back in Rakushou he had been gorgeous--but in an inhumane way.  He had wielded his beauty like it was a weapon he might turn back on any potential admirer.  The fact he no longer conjured up that coordinated illusion of make-up and alluring clothing, in a way made his clever grin and sharp eyes all the more irresistible.  She could no longer pretend her attraction was only the result of his deliberate seduction. He wasn’t trying to turn any heads, yet she still found herself staring all the same.

Despite how chaste she had tried to keep their affections, it seemed all Kougyoku needed was a brief touch and a warm body to light her flame.

So instinctively, she repressed.  Pushing down that desire was she pulled up her old shame was second nature by now.  Having a child should have satisfied any urges.  She was too old to be so hormonal; it was embarrassing.  After trying so hard to grow and learn to exist without needing either Ka Koubun or Judal as a crutch, she was throwing away all that progress to be a stupid whore, useless princess and waste of space.

It was only after having turned over that particular thought four or fives times that she stopped to analyze it.  After trying so hard to rid herself of the voices, it probably wasn’t a good idea to invite them willingly.

So not knowing what else to do, she brought it up with Judal one night.

“How do you get so comfortable with sex?”  After years of wielding crudeness as a weapon, Kougyoku almost felt dirty asking the question so directly, yet Judal didn’t even open his eyes.

“There was really nothing to get used to.  Al-Thamen didn’t feel the need to protect my delicate sensibilities.” He yawned and stretched his arms.  “When I got curious I was allowed to seek out whatever beauty caught my eye.  I got bored pretty quickly though and never really felt the urge to pursue it until I had a specific target in mind.”

“I guess I must be strange one then...” Kougyoku’s attention drifted to a fraying strand poking out from her blanket.  It seemed for all the progress Kougyoku made, she’d always be two steps behind everyone else.

“Yeah but so what if you like sex?”  Judal shrugged his shoulders.  “I thought people stopped worrying about this once they had kids.”

Kougyoku snorted, “Easy for you to say when you’re not the one at risk of becoming pregnant.”

“Well not all sex can get a woman pregnant.”

“...”  Kougyoku pinched her brow and did her best to keep her temper in check.  “Are you saying that women don’t get pregnant every time they have sex, because I knew that.”

“I mean sex doesn’t always have to be the old--”  He sat up and made a lewd gesture with his hands.  “Just as there are men who love men, there are women who love women, and they gotta be able to get off somehow too.”

Kougyoku could feel her cheeks burn.  She didn’t know which embarrassed her more, the actual contents of their conversation or her apparent ignorance.

“Well it’s not like you were the most attentive lover!”  She snapped.  Yet despite her mask of anger,  Judal languidly draped his arm across her knee.

“I could try you know?”  Judal spoke in a quiet voice.  “I don’t want to tell you how to live your life, but I just can’t see what good purity and perfection have done for anyone.”

Idly, Kougyoku stroked his hair.  For a moment, she tried to imagine how she would feel if their romance had been more similar to the ones she had grown up on.  They never would have been allowed a public relationship while occupying their old roles, but oh perhaps he could play the part of a lost prince.  Then she could be the brave and clever princess who helped restore his kingdom.  Naturally, he’d show his gratitude by proposing, and after a beautiful and extravagant wedding, he’d take her back to their marriage bed, remove her garments and--

--the fantasy fizzled into cinders.  Even in the most idealistic of daydreams, it was hard to separate Judal from those three lonely years he wrought onto her.

“I don’t know if I can trust you not to hurt me again.”  Gently, Kougyoku pushed him away.  “I know we’re both trying, but until I can be sure, I’ll have to take a rain check.”

So they kept to their chastity and virtue, but throughout that week, Kougyoku’s thoughts kept drifting back to his proposition.  Maybe her sexual education was lacking, but they had similar levels of experience.  She knew what pleasures she wanted, and how difficult could it be to trace back what tended to cause it?

On the hottest night of the summer, when sleep would have been futile anyway, she took the first plunge and began to explore her body.  And instead of imagining fairy-tales too delicate to ever truly exist, she tried to picture something closer to reality.  Instead of being motivated by self-hatred, she thought of seeking Judal out of affection, and the two of them laughing and joking as they tangled their limbs together.

What physical titillation she actually produced was small and sparse, but it was entirely her own.

That afternoon, as Judal instructed Taohua in her lessons, she chatted with Ka Koubun as he brewed tea.  Somehow the conversation got to her spirits, and when he inquired about what had raised them, she ended up spilling, “I touched myself for the first time last night.”

An awkward pause filled the room.  Then, slowly Ka Koubun poured her a cup and passed it to her.

“Congratulations.”

As bitter as it was, she savored its taste with an adult’s palette.

~

As fall’s cool breeze began to chill the weather more and more, Judal found himself beginning to miss summer’s heat.  It was a strange experience.  It wasn’t as if he wasn’t used to wanting things.  Judal felt like he had spent most his life doing just that.  But identifying a specific experience and knowing that without it, his life would be lacking in someway?  God, he couldn’t be certain he had possessed that much emotional intelligence since Hakuryuu.

And it wasn’t the heat that he mourned, but surprising his time with the kid.  As young as she was, she understood the rukh in a way only few did.  There was something infectious about her determination to crack a particular difficult spell and the resulting joy whenever she was able to weave one together correctly.

Last year, he had kept the lessons contained to summer as a precaution.  The first and primary reason was because he didn’t know what the child would do if she was given more power.  However he had also wanted to keep from possibly disturbing Ka Koubun or Gyoku.  While they weren’t unfamiliar with magic, he knew from experience that magicians and their direct access to magoi tended to make most people nervous.  But now a part of him itched to drag the lessons out, show her as much as he knew.  As much as magic had been an escape for him, it had also been a role forced upon him to survive.  He wanted to know what the rukh would look like free and unburdened.

So instead of wrapping things up as quickly as he could, he lingered with the kid, simply lazing in the sun with her.

“So do you like magic?”  It was an awkward segue, but he had never been as skilled as putting together pretty words as he had been with spells.

The child started, as if she was surprised to be acknowledged.  Not knowing what else to do, Judal rambled on.  “There are cities where you could study it even more.  A good magician is a valuable resource.  With a little hard work you could go anywhere and do anything.”

“Anything?”  She parroted back.

“Anything.”

Another autumn breeze sneaked between the two of them.  The child crossed her arms, rubbing goosebumps away, and Judal wondered if he should do something to help.  But before he could move in one direction or the other, the child finally answered.

“Can I bring Mama?”  Red eyes stared innocently up at him.  “I don’t want to leave her and make her sad.”

Something inside of Judal began to slowly tilt sideways.  Panicked, he fought against it with all his might.  “It’s not like you’d never be able to return. You shouldn’t have to stay with her forever.  I swear it isn’t normal to not want at least some variety.”

“Mama gets sick when left alone!”  The child stood suddenly, tears in her eyes.  “I don’t want Mama to die!”

The tilt inside of Judal turned into an ache in his chest he couldn’t ignore.  Shame burned through his body like a forest fire.  It appeared that even in such a humble place, he still knew how to flaunt his arrogance.

Seems like you didn’t need an entire organization to burden a child with responsibilities they shouldn’t carry.

“That bad huh?”  Judal fell back on his back.  “Weird, I figured she would have been glad to have me out of her hair.”  He didn’t know what to say with this revelation so he settled for staring at the peach trees’ orange-tinged leaves.

But before he could escape into his head the girl waddled over into his line of sight.

“Are you my papa?”  Her little brow wore a deep crease that looked awkward on her small face.

Judal took a deep breath.  “Yeah, who told you?”

“Nobody!”  She shook her head furiously.  “Ka was acting too stupid, I figured it out myself!”

“You’re a smart girl.  Got anything else you want to ask?”  He didn’t quite know what type of reaction he expected from her, the fiery anger of Ka Koubun or the quiet sorrow of Gyoku.  All he knew that in spite of all this, he still hadn’t planned for Taohua to simply sit down next to him without much to say.

Silence returned, but this time it wasn’t quite so stifling.  He wondered if there was a right move he should make here: if he should start confessing all his sins or if that would only lead to more damage in the long term.  Still saying nothing seemed a just as damning of a choice.

“Why was it a secret?”  The question grounds him back down to earth, giving him a place to start listing all his regrets and mistakes.

“Because I thought you might not like me.”  Judal gave a bitter laugh.  “I’ve gotten yelled at by a lot of different people over the years.”

“They sound mean.”

“Most of the time I deserved it.”

“Well...”  Taohua trailed off in a small voice.  “...I won’t yell at you. You don’t have to be scared of me.”

It was a too surreal situation to ignore--having his own child comfort him.  When he rolled over to face her, he didn’t know what he exactly planned to do, and that proved to be his downfall.  For when he had to look into those red eyes again, so familiar yet so alien in their purity, he was left dazed and dumbstruck all over again.

“I don’t want anyone to be sad...”

Slowly, ever so slowly, Judal reached forward and patted her head.  While he was caught up in worrying if he was giving the right pressure or not, he almost missed Taohua leaning into the touch.

“I don’t either kid.”

~

When it was time to sell their harvest, their usual buyer was nowhere to be found.

“He probably just didn’t have the time to travel to a literal hole in the ground like Xiaoshi.”  Judal explained to Kougyoku the night before he left.  “I can head to the city and see if I can find another merchant we can trade with.”

And so Kougyoku tried to listen first and be rational, putting aside her fears.  They talked logistics, how long they could afford to have him away, and what price they should aim for.  It was only when somehow their conversation got onto Taohua tagging along for the trip that she began to snap.

“Are you trying to hurt me?”  The accusation was nasty, but she couldn’t hold back her venom.  “Do you want me to worry that you’ll steal her away from me as well?”

Judal wouldn’t look her in the eye, and she didn’t know if that made it better or worse.  “It’s the opposite.  I’m trying to keep myself honest.”

And all too quickly, Kougyoku was hit with the realization that he was trying to get through every day just as hard as she was.

So that morning, she dressed Taohua in her best clothes, hugged, kissed her, and whispered about how much it would tear her heart apart to have to lose her as well.  And despite their altercation last night, she found it in herself to show Judal some affection as well.

“Come back to me...”  She threw her arms around his neck, nearly pulling him down to the ground.  She expected him to quickly throw off her touch, yet while his hands didn’t seem quite sure where to go, she could have sworn she heard give a soft inhale as he lingered in the curve of her neck.

For the next week, it would be like the clock had wound back to eight years ago, to that depressive haze where she and Ka Koubun had been on their own.  So she did her best right away to keep from falling into old bad habits.  With her heart on the open road, she pulled out the rice wine and tried to warm herself with some good old-fashioned distracting.

“What’s the cause for celebration?”  Ka Koubun asked as he reached across to pour himself a drink.

“I figured I outta make the best of a night without responsibilities.”  She took a shot and tried not to grimace .  “We should have fun while we’re free.”

So Ka Koubun indulged her.  And to thank him for his kindness, Kougyoku did her best to laugh loudly and keep all her fears to herself.  But as the night wore on and what party they could have with just another domestic partner faded away, he suddenly turned the conversation back to the morning.

“I was surprised to see you make such a scene earlier today.”

Immediately Kougyoku felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand.  “Why shouldn’t I get to be over-protective every now and then?  That’s what mother’s do.”  

“I suppose some act that way,”  Ka Koubun’s words cut into her like a swift winter gale.  She didn’t know why she was so on edge tonight, but Kougyoku was ready to hide away in her room if he was going to continue being so awful.

“Now don’t look at me like that,” Ka Koubun chuckled.  “I’ve been doing my best to stay out of your affairs, and let you be an adult and handle them.  Shouldn’t I be allowed to give my two cents now that we’re alone?”

“I don’t understand at all whatever it is you’re trying to say.”  Kougyoku moved to stand, but before she could complete the action, Ka Koubun captured her four simple words.

“Do you love Judal?”

She couldn’t tell what made her stumble more, the drink or the question.  The flush that followed was equally hard to trace.  The only clear sensation afforded to her facilities anymore was the dread curling in the pit of her stomach.

“I thought you two were starting to get along.”  It’s blatant misdirection, but those are the only words she can summon at the moment.  “Please don’t mess up things right now, not when they’re going well.”

Golden-brown eyes darkened.  “I ask for your sake.  I’d don’t know why you blame everything on me.”

“I have fought so long and hard to get to where I am today.  Why does anything have to change?”  She bent down and took his hands in hers.  “You have been so good to me for so long.  Must this be our breaking point?”

“And what is it that will exactly make us break?”  Ka Koubun gave a tired sigh, and suddenly the crease in his brow took on a very different meaning. “I don’t ask for much, but it seems I can never give you what he can.  If you truly don’t need me anymore I will take my leave with grace.”

“Don’t talk like that,” She could feel the prick of tears began, but they would be an awful defense for her supposed maturity.  After taking in a shaky breath she continue on.  “For most of your life, you have been by my side.  I sincerely doubt I would even be alive it if wasn’t for you.”

Now it was Ka Koubun’s turn to be the weepy one. “That doesn’t mean that one day a child must outgrow their toys and put them away.  You’ve grown into a fine woman my dear, and you have yourself a beautiful family.  I don’t want to intrude on your happiness.”

“How can you be so smart, and such an idiot!  You’re family too!”  Kougyoku squeezed his hands as if she was hanging onto them for dear life.  “I know I don’t always value you as much as I should, but don’t think for a second that it means I don’t love you.”

Kougyoku stayed like that for a while, clinging like a child as she replayed their conversation over and over again in her head, trying to trace the thread that would lead him to suggest such an outrageous thing.  When her trail ended at Judal and that dangerous four level word, she felt like throwing up.

“If you don’t love him it’s fine.” Ka Koubun moved to pull in her into a proper embrace, rubbing slow circles into her back.  “But if you do, you should tell him.”

Kougyoku gave a snort.  “That’s the nicest thing I’ve heard you say about Judal.”

“Believe me, swallowing my pride hasn’t been easy,”  He groaned. “Still if he makes you happy, then I don’t want him leaving either.  I think knowing where you stand might tie him down once and for all.

She thought long and hard about that.  Saying Judal made her happy felt dangerous, like expecting him to put her back together like a broken piece of pottery. Yet simultaneously she found it more and more difficult to imagine life without him.

“I don’t know if I can love him properly.”  Kougyoku confessed.  “I think a part of me wants to, but I don’t know if I’m still just grasping for something I don’t deserve.”

“I’ll respect whatever choice you make.” Slowly Ka Koubun let her go.  “But just know I don’t think it is foolish to want something like that at all.”

“Kougyoku took a deep breath and then leaned forward and kissed his temple.  “You’re allowed to want us as well. Always remember that.”

The sleep she had the night wasn’t the blissful haze she wanted.  But when she woke up the next day, something inside her knew that she would not return to woman she arrived to Xiaoshi as anymore.

~

“You should take me with you on your next trip.”  Gyoku said with out much warning one winter’s night.

Judal looked up from his hand to try and study her expression.  However it was that convenient moment that Gyoku decided to thoroughly examine the card she just drew.

With a sigh, he drew his own. “Why do you say that?”

“Taohua’s birthday is coming up soon, and this year I want to make it extra special.”  She pushed a strand of hair behind her ear, and Judal was struck by how much it reminded him of Hakuryuu.

Judal pinched his brow in an attempt to ground himself back in the present.  “Well I don’t know when I’ll need to leave Xiaoshi again.  I tried to save that for special occasions.’

“Oh,” Gyoku sighed.  Their round continued on for a few more turns before she finally laid down her hand and declared King’s Court in a very tired voice.   “I think it is time we turn in for the night.”

“Alright.”

He tried not to read too much into their conversation, but as the week passed it continued to weigh on him.  When its heft became too uncomfortable to bear, he finally gave in and devised a substitution for her.

As Ka Koubun put Taohua down for her nap, he sneaked Gyoku out of the house.

“Woah woah woah, what’s going on?  Where are you taking me?”  She shook off his touch before he could get her past the boundary between their yard and the rest of Xiaoshi.

“I don’t have any plans to travel soon, but that doesn’t mean we still can’t have a special shopping occasion.”  He moved to grab her wrist but settled for cradling her palm.  “The general store always stocks something special around the winter festival.”  

“I know that,”  Gyoku shot back.  “I’m not a child, I can purchase groceries by myself.”  Despite her protests though, she entwined her fingers with his and showed him the way.

Once they made it to the store, she was quickly distracted by the toys and fresh ingredients. Still Judal couldn’t help but get distracted by how others regarded the two of them.  From the elderly woman examining the silks to the teen cashier tapping his finger against the counter.  He didn’t understand what was so different about their outing this time, until it suddenly hit him.  This was the first time they had even been out in public together.

When they went to pay for their items, he noticed a vase of white flowers sitting not too far away.  It was quite unusual to have them this late into the season.  On a whim, he plucked one out and placed it behind Gyoku’s ear.

Gyoku turned to him with her mouth open already to say something, but before they could get a word in, the cashier said, “If you’re getting that for your girl, it will be extra.”

“No problem,”   Judal slide over the appropriate amount, and began to leave.  However he was halfway out the store when he noticed Gyoku had yet to move from her spot.

“You ok?”  He turned to find her touching the flower, as if she had thought it had disappeared.

“Yeah, just a little spacey,”  Gyoku met his gaze revealing the blush now painting her cheeks.  He was surprised to find just how alluring he found the rosy complexion to be when framed by her red hair, but before he could savor it for long, she had already outpaced him.

For half of the journey, it was all he could do to follow three steps behind her.  But overtime, her brisk pace slowed enough for them to walk side by side.  Then their hands started to drift together again, like two planets caught in each other’s gravity.

When they were back on the same boundary between home and the rest of the world, Gyoku stopped once more.  This time Judal stayed with her, waiting for her to be ready to move on.

Finally Gyoku met his gaze, no longer quite so flushed, but pink eyes still alight with something different.

“Judal...”  She wet her lips.  “...thank you.”

Taohua’s party turned out to be everything Gyoku dreamed.  They cleared all chores and other duties, so they could spend the entire day with her.  With Ka Koubun they were able to cook up a large meal of pork, rice, cucumbers, and all of her other favorite foods.  Together the three of them were able to scrounge together two new dolls and a brand new winter dress for her.  Once all the gifts were exchanged, they let Taohua decide what games should be played.  Naturally the game she came up with was some crazy combination of hide and go seek, tag, and Simon says.  As obscure as the rules were, Ka Koubun somehow ended up being the ultimate champion, still evading Taohua’s grasp while Judal and Gyoku were left to catch their breath on the porch.

“How does he do that at his age?”  Gyoku huffed as she leaned against Judal’s shoulder for support.

“I don’t know,”  Judal’s breath was equally as ragged.  “How did we get old, while he stayed so energetic?”

“Beats me...”  Slowly her wheezing died out, but even as she recovered, Gyoku still kept her head balanced delicately against his shoulder.  “...but I don’t reject it, or the life we’ve built.”

Judal felt his gut clench.  Regret was a strong word.  Would he have made the same choices if he knew this is where he’d end up in life?  If he had been allowed a different future, one with Hakuryuu where they may have not been happy but at least they would have been together would he--

“I love you.”

The confession was like a shock to the system.  Immediately Judal’s eyes flew open, like he was seeing for the first time.  Everything, from the sunlight streamed through the trees, to the sounds of Taohua and Ka Koubun’s playful screams, even the gentle touch of Gyoku’s arm around his waist was both overwhelming, yet something he feared not being able to truly process.

It all felt precious to him, but also stolen in some manner.  Like this was someone else’s life he had suddenly barged into.

You’ve thought about Hakuryuu more in a month then you did a decade ago.  Is it true grief that holds you back, or something else?

When he returned the Gyoku’s embrace, Judal was still certain he was messing up in some form or fashion.  His frame was too bony, and he could stop the trembling in his hands.  But slowly but surely, he found some words.

“Love you too.”

The way Gyoku lit up could rival the Sun itself.  In that moment, he decided that if his life was stolen, then he’d hoard it like the worst of misers.

For the rest of the day, Judal commit the most selfish of his crimes.

He simply allowed himself to exist.

A.N. It was almost surreal typing up that last scene.  It was something I had in mind five years ago when I started this beast of a project.  I never really imagined that I would find myself still tracing out their journey in 2020.  Some of that has to do with schedule slips and good old Corona pushing this final chapter back several months, but at the same time, when I first drafted out Kougyoku’s pain, I didn’t understand just how much I was reflecting my own, or how our own healing and happy ending would mirror so much.

I might not be a lost princess of a war-torn country in love with my cousin’s evil accomplish, but I do know what it is like to think of myself as unworthy of love.  And I love everyone reading this, whether you have followed RP since its earliest days or are only now finding in years into the future, I hope this fic brought you some joy, and I hope even more happiness awaits you in the future

~Seasaltmemories

[hummingbirdsaltimolockia]

I recently made a list of all the musicals I’m pretty familiar with and it came out to 63. and since my sisters won’t listen to my recommendations this is a masterpost of all those musicals with a few of my Thoughts and Opinions. this gets hella long so prepare yourself

-Les Miserables

ah, you never forget your first. I heard the symphonic recording when I was six? seven? so it has become the definitive version in my mind, but cast members (michael ball) are weak, and unfortch I haven’t come across a recording were all the cast members are top notch, though the 25th anniversary concert comes very close (norm lewis!! lea salonga!!)

-The Little Mermaid

ok so on the whole this show is not particularly great or interesting and honestly didn’t do very well on stage BUT hearing sherie rene scott sing poor unfortunate souls literally changed my life and is what really sparked my interest in musical theatre. also norm lewis is there

-The Band’s Visit

unlike any broadway musical you’ve heard fs. based on the movie of the same name, it’s about the egyptian police band being stranded in a middle-of-nowhere town in israel for in 1996. it’s a simple story but incredibly charming and ernest and surprsingly emotional. also the music is played onstage by the actors which is always cool!

-In the Heights

lin manuel miranda’s first musical and is honestly just as good as hamilton, if not better (I said what I said). it’s a slice of life kinda story about people living in washington heights. great music, great story, great characters, feels very real without being like....depressing.

-Aladdin

most of the songs from the movie stay mostly the same, I think they only changed arabian nights, and friend like me (which for the latter was a huuge improvement. I can’t NOT dance whenever I hear it. james monroe inglehart is a fantastic genie). and the flying carpet!! looks amazing!!

-Once on This Island

this story made me v mad initially (the female lead just. dies at the end), but I kept coming back to it because I loved the music, and it took me a while to figure out why and it’s because the caribbean island vibes are off the charts, and that reminds me of my childhood in sofl. and the vocals of the ensemble are amazing and the 2018 revival used a in the round stage with actual sand and live animals how cool is that

-She Loves Me

a super cute, super enjoyable, super fun musical based on the old film shop around the corner. zachery levi and laura benanti make some quality faces

-Next to Normal

oooof. a very intense show both in terms of theme and music. deals with bipolar depression, schizophrenia, drugs, suicide, hallucinations, death of a child....yeah. a very good show that handles all those heavy themes realistically

-Hamilton

so yeah when it first came out five years ago it was very hyped up and was called lin manuel’s “masterpiece” and when I listened to it I was like....dam they’re right. the lyrics and wording are so precise and having a story told by the protag’s enemy is so narratively juicey. plus the music is incredible (also listen to the hamilton mixtape if you haven’t it’s great)

-The Lion King

if you’ve followed me for any time you know I love the movie and the musical only makes it better. the songs, the music, the puppets, heather headley, the songs in zulu, the costumes...ugh perfection. the most successful disney show on broadway

-Aida

ever wonder what it’s like to be so darn good at singing that sir elton john writes a musical for you? well that’s what happened to heather headley and she completely deserved it. it’s a bit problematic in that the egyptian conquerors are all white and all the nubia slaves are black and like....they’re both in africa dude

-Anastasia

ok so I know it didn’t happen but the premise is so compelling and so gd tragic and christy altomare’s voice has such a fragility to it which is such a contrast to who anastasia actually was and the show features a song about russian refugees having to flee their homeland and it’s like the saddest song I’ve ever heard

-Anything Goes

honestly this musical on the whole isn’t that great for some...reasons, but it does have some great Friendship songs and Great tap dancing and sutton foster is in it and she is the epitome of a triple threat

-Cinderella

honestly just watch the brandy version because it’s the best version. better than the broadway version for sure, even though laura osnes is fantastic in everything she does and the show does have an amazing onstage costume change, but the brandy version has the coolest cast and costume and sets

-Ragtime

ho boy. so much to unpack here. while I think this is a “good” musical, it is too long, has too many characters and storylines, and deals with some heavy themes but doesn’t handle them very well so by the end it’s just exhausting and disappointing. BUT it does have the incomparable brian stokes mitchell and audra mcdonald, who is literally the best performer to ever grace broadway

-Thoroughly Modern Millie

there is so much spirit in this show it’s infectious. also sutton foster

-Dear Evan Hanson

sigh. so this musical gained a lot popularity among the Young People and...it..didn’t...deserve it? like again it deals with heavy issues like social anxiety, depression, and suicide, but like ragtime it doesn’t handle them very well; not in an honest way. and like everything they talk about is handled better in next to normal so

-Tuck Everlasting

based on the book, not the movie. the music is something really different and I don’t think broadway was ready to accept it so it didn’t run very long. and the adaption isn’t very strong, but the lead (sarah charles lewis) is very good and it does have a very sad song about miles losing his family

-Come From Away

so this is about the 38 planes that were diverted to a small town in newfoundland on 9/11. now with as much as america loves to talk about 9/11 I had never heard this story so it was cool to hear a different side of it. also it has a song that makes me tear up every time I hear it

-Annie

not much to say about this one. a classic

-Oklahoma!

speaking of classics, if you think this musical is boring and outdated, please listen to the 2019 revival. it rocks in every sense of the word

-West Side Story

this one is also a classic, and often called a masterpiece for good reason. the music is so strong and is integrated so well and it represents the characters on both sides. this video explains it really well. tho productions consistently have trouble finding puerto rican actors to play the puerto ricans....

-Natasha, Pierre, and the Great Comet of 1812

this one deserved sooo much more than it got, coming out in the same year as dear shmevan shmhanson. the lighting and set design is incredible and the music reflects each character’s emotion so it feels really honest, and almost like a supporting character. it’s so good guys. it has josh groban in a fat suit

-The Phantom of the Opera

unpopular opinion (maybe): I think gerard butler was a really good phantom. probably andrew llyod webber’s best work

-Waitress

based on the film of the same name, also the first broadway show with an entirely female creative team. also what baking can do came after my entire life

-Hello Dolly!

I fell in love with the movie version with barbra streisand, but then I learned that the original broadway production had a all black cast which is awesome but wasn’t reflected at all in the movie and that’s disappointing. great show tho

-Wicked

I can distinctly remember the first time I heard the ending crescendo of defying gravity. and the fact that it has so quickly become classic staple of broadway is a testiment to how strong it is

-You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown

yes there is a broadway show of charlie brown. the songs are funny and childlike and honest, and very ernest. also kristin chenoweth is hilarious as sally brown (she won a tony for it!)

-Chess

I love the music in the show, and some songs have very complex lyrics but the main character is kinda annoying. like yeah dude deserting your country with another woman and leaving your wife and kids behind is gonna have negative consequences. don’t know what to tell you

-Finding Neverland

not as good as the movie it’s based on. while some of the music is very pretty, the songs are pretty simple and kinda boring

-Venice

ok this show also isn’t very good, the character’s motivations are not clear, especially the villain, and the female lead’s songs are weak. but the premise and some of the songs are arresting, and I kept coming back to them

-The King and I

like wws, it took a very long time for a production to cast this show accurately, and it still hasn’t....quite done it. but the songs are very beautiful. r&h strike again.

-Matilda

features a bunch of v talented children and manages to be lighthearted but also really gets you. just listen to when I grow up

-Little Women

on the whole, not a great adaption. some good songs. sutton foster is great

-Bonnie and Clyde

oh boy you want some bad guy songs? how bout a whole musical of them? oh no the public hated us and we closed after 36 performances. ah well. at least laura osnes got her first tony nod

-Beetlejuice

very catchy show with a killer aesthetic. give alex brightman a tony just for being Like That

-Hadestown

this show has such nice lyrical rhythm, even in the spoken words, and it is so smartly composed and balanced. and even tho the broadway cast recording is out, it’s worth it to listen to the earlier album as well

-Catch Me If You Can

based on the film. just two hours of aaron tveit being a little brat and norbert leo butz flexing on everyone else’s vocal chords

-Miss Saigon

an extremely problematic and infuriating show that is unfortunately very beautiful. introduced lea salonga to the world, so that’s good at least

-The Hunchback of Notre Dame

speaking of problematic but beautiful shows. exceeds the movie in my opinion. the choral vocals just cut right through you

-The Fiddler on the Roof

I listened to the 2016 revival after not listening to this show for years and you know what? it’s really good! like heck!

-Mean Girls

yes they made a musical of mean girls. yes it’s pretty great. regina has a killer song near the end that I love to belt out

-Bandstand

one of the only musicals to make me cry actual tears just from listening to one (1) song. it’s about WWII veterans coming together to form a band just months after the war ends. also laura osnes fricking kills it in the last number

-Into the Woods

I’m not a huge fan of “fairy tales but make it realistic and therefore disappointing” but stephen sondheim is a very good writer and musician so it’s worth checking out. and the witch is played by bernadette peters in the musical and meryl streep in the movie so it’s a win both ways

-How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying

what it says on the can. a very fun, ‘don’t take this too seriously’ show. the lead was played by daniel radcliffe and nick jonas at one point so like. come on

-The Last Five Years

honestly this is a very depressing show, but it’s told in a interesting way. it’s about a couple who meet, fall in love, get married, drift apart, and ultimately get divorced, but not in that order

-Newsies

ok so the broadway version is very different from the movie, but it’s still worth checking out! the new verse at the beginning of seize the day makes it worth it!

-Legally Blonde

yes they made a musical of legally blonde. yes it’s great

-Daddy Long Legs

a little known musical about a young woman who is aging out of an orphanage and finds out she is being sent to school by a mysterious benefactor. meghan mcginnis has super sweet voice

-My Fair Lady

another problematic show about a british asshole who takes it upon himself to turn a flower girl into a “proper lady” (no one asked you to do that dude). but it is funny

-South Pacific

ok so I’m not actually super familiar with this show but it does have a very important song called you’ve got to be carefully taught about how racism is not “something you’re just born” so stop making excuses nellie

-Once

again I’m not super knowledgeable about this show, I’ve listened to it a few times, and read the wiki summary but I still don’t quite know what it’s about. but the music is really good, really different from a traditional broadway show. very enticing and sentimental

-Beauty and the Beast

I think this was the first disney movie that made it to broadway? I could be wrong. like hunchback, I think it exceeds the movie, esp if I can’t love her??? shoutout to my sister’s friend for blowing my socks off with that song in 2005

-Six

not a full blown production, just a rock show about the six wives of henry viii. I thought it would be like riding off the hamilton craze of “history but make it cool” but it actually kicks ass all by itself

-The Sound of Music

another classic, and edelweiss makes me emotional

-Billy Elliot

ahh this show has so much tangible emotion in it and it’s heavy but children are it and they carry it so well and the juxtaposition of the protests an d the dancing UGH

-The Lightning Thief

yes the percy jackson musical! is good and enjoyable! doesn’t take itself seriously at all (as it shouldn’t) and the last two songs go so hard!

-The Music Man

this is imprinted into my brain because of my sister’s drama group and from that day on I have never known peace

-The Scarlet Pimpernel

based on the film of the same name, it’s really good, the opening number goes really hard, and it SHOULD be revived with laura osnes

-Oliver!

this show is....good..but it’s just too long. too many extra songs that don’t do anything

-Sussical

beautifully whimsical and heartfelt. features an array of suess characters and stories

-Moulin Rouge!

the cast album that came late year and it kicks ass. it keeps some of the songs that were featured in the movie, and brings in songs that have come out since the movie like shut up and dance, royals, and bad romance

-The Greatest Showman

so technically this isn’t a broadway show, but it’s going to be, and I think it will be much better as a stage show than a movie.

[silver-lily-louise]

A Whole New World - a Shadowhunters fanfic

Chapter 4: Fools Off Their Guards 'A fool off his guard could fall, and fall hard' - Arabian Nights, Aladdin In which Alec makes his second wish, and Magnus makes good on a promise.

Read it from the beginning on AO3

Read Chapter 4 on AO3, or alternatively, read it below!

~oOo~

Magnus rematerializes in the living room, a little surprised to hear Alexander’s voice still coming from his bedroom. He’s been on the phone with his mother for at least an hour, since before Magnus briefly returned to the lamp to tend his garden. He frowns as he realises that Alexander isn’t speaking with his usual, easy cadence – his voice is animated, spiking in volume and pitch. Magnus finds himself wanting to go check on him; but he reminds himself that it isn’t his place, and he should give Alexander his privacy.

But when he hears a crash, all of that goes out the window, and he sprints to the open bedroom doorway. ‘Alexander, are you all right?’

A quick glance around the room reveals the source of the crash – everything on Alexander’s desk, including the potted plant and the desk lamp, has been strewn across the floor. Alexander turns to face Magnus, and Magnus’ breath catches at the blaze of righteous fury in his expression. He looks powerful and deadly, like an avenging angel, a world away from the kind, reserved man Magnus has been getting to know for the past ten days. When their eyes meet, Alexander visibly tries to calm himself, taking a deep, shuddering breath and running his hands through his hair. ‘Yeah,’ he says quietly. ‘Yeah, I’m okay. Sorry about that.’ ‘No need to be sorry,’ Magnus says, taking a step into the room. ‘Do you want to tell me what happened?’ Alexander tosses his phone – still clenched tightly in his hand until now – onto the bed with a little more force than necessary. ‘My mom,’ he says. ‘She… she found some letters. Between my dad and another woman.’ He laughs bitterly. ‘Actual, honest-to-God letters, can you believe that? Like he’s some sort of Victorian suitor. She confronted him, and apparently, the bastard didn’t even deny it. So she walked out. They’re done.’ 

His voice breaks right at the end of that sentence, and Magnus’ heart twists painfully as Alexander’s eyes fill with tears. He steps forward, closing the distance between them, and gently pulls his friend close, one arm around his waist, the other hand guiding Alexander’s head down to Magnus’ shoulder. ‘I’m so sorry,’ he murmurs. Alexander returns the embrace, then laughs again, his voice thick with tears. ‘It’s stupid, you know? I mean, obviously I’m pissed on her behalf, but it’s not… I’m not some middle-schooler whose parents are fighting downstairs, you know? I’m an adult, and I live all the way across the country. There’s no need for all of this.’ Alexander’s hand lifts briefly from Magnus’ back, as if he’s gesturing – at himself, or the room, or the general situation, Magnus doesn’t know. But he doesn’t have to, because his answer would be the same anyway. ‘It’s not stupid,’ he says gently, but firmly. He waves a hand as he talks, reassembling the plant pot and the lightbulb, moving the mess on the floor back into a neat arrangement on the desk. ‘He betrayed your trust and hurt someone you care about. You’re allowed to be upset about that, Alexander.’ A few moments pass in still quiet, before he says, ‘You know, you still have two wishes. Want me to turn him into a frog?’

He’s expecting a chuckle, and when he doesn’t get one, he pulls back, frowning a little. ‘Ah – Alexander, not that it’s not possible, but I don’t actually think it’s a good idea to-‘ Alexander shakes his head, lips twitching into a quick half-smile as he wipes his tears away. ‘No, it’s not that. I knew you were kidding, I just…’ He sits down on the bed, and Magnus sits beside him, waiting for him to collect his thoughts enough to speak again. ‘It made me think of something. Something that Mom said. She’s in a motel at the moment, and I said she could come stay here for a while instead. She told me that she wants some distance from Dad, but she can’t leave L.A. – her job’s there, and apparently no-one’s hiring through regular applications at the moment. The only chance she has to find something else is being head-hunted.’

Magnus smiles. ‘Okay. So, you’re thinking that perhaps we can arrange for her to find a job opportunity in New York?’ ‘Actually, I was thinking Colorado.’ At Magnus’ confused look, Alexander explains, ‘Mom lived out there when she was younger, and she always talks about going back some day. Plus, Max just started college in Wyoming, and after… all this, Mom’ll probably want him to have someone else close by.’

Someone besides Dad, Magnus hears. ‘Ah, I see. In that case, just to be sure I have everything clear – your second wish is for your mother to find a fresh start, an opportunity, in Colorado?’ Alexander nods, and the wheels start turning in Magnus’ head. ‘All right. Consider it done.’

***

Magnus strolls through the corridors of Yelloway & Stein, catching the odd glimpse of himself in an internal window. Suit-and-tie isn’t usually his thing, but maybe he should make an exception to that rule more often. He feels very professional.

He knocks on the door to Human Resources and opens it, giving the clerk a smile – though he dials down from his usual radiance, keeping things casual, unsuspicious. ‘Hi. Recruitment want the resumes we have on file for new talent. Where can I find ‘em?’ The clerk gestures over to a green out-tray on top of a filing cabinet, returning to their computer screen. To Magnus’ eyes, the mouse movements look a little more suited to playing solitaire than administrative work – but he’s hardly one to judge secretive practices in this particular office, and on this particular day, is he? He brushes that thought aside, gathering the resumes. ‘Thanks,’ he says, unsurprised when he receives no acknowledgement from the clerk. Ordinarily, he’d be annoyed at the utter lack of good manners, but today, any decrease in attention is a boon.

Alone in the elevator, he produces one more resume to add to the pile – the one Maryse Lightwood keeps hosted on an online recruitment site. He waves his fingers over it lightly, infusing it with a subtle magic; it won’t change what they think of her qualifications, but it’ll compel them to at least read the resume before throwing it out.

No one bats an eye as he strides into the Recruitment office, dumping the pile of papers on an in-tray marked SCOUTED. He turns on his heel and leaves, putting on the air of someone far too busy to stop for chit-chat. In a way, that part’s not even a deception. Yelloway & Stein is the fourth most prestigious law firm in the state, meaning that he still has numbers five through twelve to go.

***

Six days after Magnus’ excursion to Colorado, Alec is starting to get nervous. Magnus can go anywhere in the world in the blink of an eye – yet here he is, hanging around in a tiny New York apartment, with probably one of the top twenty most boring men on the planet. ‘You know,’ he says hesitantly, as they tuck into the leftover Chinese food they saved for lunch, ‘you don’t have to stick around. I’m sure what you did in Colorado worked – I can move on to my third wish, if you need to get going.’ Magnus shakes his head, gesturing with his chopsticks as he finishes his mouthful before speaking. He handles them more elegantly than Alec could ever hope to – centuries of experience combined with some sort of natural grace, Alec supposes. ‘Like I said, I can stick around a while. After all, I want to make sure all three of your wishes are properly granted.’ He pauses, meeting Alec’s gaze more directly. ‘Of course, if you… if I’m interrupting your routine too much, I can always find another place to keep my lamp.’ ‘No,’ Alec says, knowing his answer was too quick but hoping Magnus hasn’t noticed. ‘No, not at all.’ Truth be told, much as he likes the independence of living alone, he forgot how nice it is to have another presence in the home – a friend, a roommate, someone to talk to and laugh with and sit next to on the couch.

Magnus’ serious expression lightens a little. ‘Okay. But please, do let me know if I’m outstaying my welcome. I’m eight hundred years old, time passes a little differently for me,’ he jokes. Alec rolls his eyes. ‘Yeah, sure, because I’m gonna complain about a magic houseguest who’s literally only sticking around to make my dreams come true.’ He looks back down at his food, not quite meeting Magnus’ eyes as he says, ‘No, don’t worry about any of that. I like having you here.’ It’s too earnest, too honest to be said with eye contact. But it doesn’t matter, because he feels his stomach swoop anyway just remembering that beautiful, warm smile; the one that Magnus wears whenever Alec shares something from even remotely near his heart.

***

Three days later, Alec comes home with a small parcel, hastily wrapped in a suitably tiny gift bag. ‘Magnus?’ he calls. ‘In here,’ comes the reply from the living room, and Alec walks in to see Magnus banish a plush-looking yoga mat, snapping his fingers to change from his black tank top and sweatpants back into a regular outfit as he smiles at him. ‘Good day?’ ‘Yeah, it was okay,’ Alec says. He manages to stop thinking about what it would have been like to come home ten minutes earlier, but only because he’s struck by a sudden wave of fondness at how quickly they’ve settled into this routine of theirs. He shakes himself, producing the gift bag from his pocket. ‘Here, I got you something.’ Up until now, Alec didn’t think Magnus could look this taken aback. ‘Me?’ ‘Yes, you,’ he says – but as he hands it over, his phone buzzes in his pocket. ‘Ah – one moment.’ He pulls his phone out, a thrill of excitement and nervousness thrumming through him as he sees who it is. ‘Hi, Mom.’ ‘Hi, sweetheart, you’ll never guess what happened – I got a call from a big legal firm in Colorado. They want me to join the senior team in their family law department!’ ‘What? Wow, Mom, that’s amazing!’ Alec easily translates the happiness he’s feeling into false surprise, even as he looks up at Magnus and gives a thumbs-up. Magnus responds with a dazzling grin that sparks something even brighter in his golden eyes, silently clapping his hands in a gesture of triumph and joy.

Alec talks with his mom for a few more minutes, listening to the details of her new job, how they just called out of the blue, how she’d almost forgotten about putting her resume out there on that old recruitment site. ‘I’m really happy for you, Mom,’ he says softly. ‘Thank you, sweetheart. Listen, I’ve got to go – there’s a lot to sort out here, they want me to start as soon as possible – but I just wanted to let you know, I know how you worry. Talk soon, okay? I love you.’ ‘Yeah, I love you too, Mom. Bye.’ He hangs up, sinking into an armchair and basking in the happiness for a moment. ‘Well,’ Magnus says, taking the seat next to him. ‘Two wishes granted, and both for someone else’s sake. Honestly, Alexander, I’m half-expecting you to ask me to cure world hunger next.’

That startles Alec out of his reverie, and he looks sharply at Magnus. He’s been so preoccupied with the issues close to home, he never thought - Magnus seems to understand his alarm, reaching out a hand to rest it reassuringly on Alec’s arm. ‘You’re a kind man, Alexander, and no, you haven’t missed a huge, altruistic opportunity,’ he says, his tone teasing but his expression gentle. ‘If you’d asked me for something like that, I would have said no. Believe me, I understand the temptation to use magic to solve the world’s biggest problems, but wish-granting is… subtle, by nature. If you go too big with it, you wind up causing more problems than you solved. People get suspicious of large, anonymous donations, and the finances of a charity are shut down for six months while it’s investigated. An island hit by a hurricane is fixed overnight, and the next time one strikes – when there’s no genie around – humanitarian aid isn’t considered a priority anymore, because it was okay last time, wasn’t it?’

Alec gives a hmm of understanding. ‘I see your point. It must be frustrating – knowing you have all this power, but that snapping your fingers can’t just…’ ‘…Fix everything?’ Magnus supplied. ‘You’re right, it is frustrating – especially during the first hundred years, when every experience is so new and exciting, and every time you help someone it feels like an adventure.’ He smiles. ‘But most of us do what we can, behind the scenes. We can make a sizeable difference, even if we can’t eradicate the biggest problems. For example, my dear friend Catarina spends half her time as a medic with the Red Cross, guiding people to ‘miraculous’ recoveries.’ His eyes soften as he looks into the middle distance for a moment, before his focus comes back to Alec. ‘My advice?’ he says, softly, waiting for Alec to nod before he continues. ‘Use your last wish for yourself, Alexander. Do what I’m sure you’ve only done a handful of times before, and be as selfish as you like. I assure you, you’re more capable of good deeds by paying your luck forwards later, rather than trying to fix something big with unruly magic and a half-baked plan. There’s no shame in taking this opportunity just for you – in fact, in terms of making a positive impact, it’s probably the best option.’

Alec smiles. ‘Okay. I get it.’ His eyes alight on the tiny gift bag, forgotten on the coffee table. ‘Speaking of things that are just for you, open your gift! I need to know if I got the right one.’

Magnus takes the bag and gently lifts out the present, the wrappings disappearing mid-air as he throws them haphazardly over his shoulder. He blinks at the small piece of metal in its inordinately large plastic envelope, a small furrow of confusion gathering on his brow. ‘What’s this?’ ‘It’s a hinge,’ Alec says, rather obviously. He knows it’s a hinge, you idiot. ‘It’s for your lamp,’ he continues hurriedly. ‘The lid. So you don’t have to seal it up with wax again, and you won’t get stuck, but it’ll still be attached.’

And… okay, wow. If Alec thought that that smile had set his heart racing, it was surely nothing compared to the expression on Magnus’ face now. His mouth is slightly open, lax, as if in shock, his eyes are slightly wide and sparkling as he blinks, and his brows are still pulled together almost imperceptibly. Abruptly, he gets up, striding over to the lamp. He removes the hinge from packaging which once again blinks out of existence before it hits the ground, and there’s a flash of green light. He turns around with the lamp in his hands, and Alec sees that the hinge is now fused to the lamp, allowing the lid to tilt smoothly away from the main opening and then settle back into it snugly. Alec quickly discovers that he was wrong before. Nothing compares to that smile, and he knows that for certain because Magnus is looking at him with it right now, and Alec doesn’t want to ever look away even though a whole colony of butterflies has apparently just moved into his stomach. ‘It’s perfect, Alexander,’ Magnus says. ‘Thank you so much.’ Alec shrugs, trying to control his own pleased grin. ‘It’s nothing, really.’ ‘No,’ Magnus says vehemently. ‘It is certainly not.’ He looks down at the lamp. ‘I don’t remember the last time someone got me a gift,’ he murmurs. ‘Let alone such a thoughtful one.’

A part of Alec wants to ask Magnus how that can be true, when he spends so much of his time making others happy. Who wouldn’t want to thank him for that? But he’s not entirely sure that those last few words were meant to be spoken aloud. And he’s not entirely sure that if he starts talking about how grateful he is for Magnus – for all his help – he’ll be able to stop.

So instead, he changes the topic. ‘So, tell me – what’s the plan, after I make my third wish? What’s next for you? You planning on staying in New York a while, seeing the sights?’

Magnus’ attention seems to return to the here and now, and he places the lamp back on the mantelpiece with reverent care. ‘No, I don’t think so,’ he says. ‘After all, with such an innovative solution to my lid problems, the world is once again my oyster, hm?’ He winks, and Alec smiles, trying to return the playful tone and mask his foolish disappointment. Of course he isn’t sticking around. He’s been waiting on you long enough already.

But in that case, Alec’s going to take his advice, and he’s going to be selfish for once – he’s going to spend tonight in Magnus’ bright, reassuring company, and he’s not even going to think about his third wish until tomorrow. Just tonight, he tells himself. I’ll just ask him for tonight – no more, no less. He can always say no. Although of course, Alec’s fervently hoping that he doesn’t.

He turns and grabs his coat, winding his scarf around his neck. ‘Well, in that case,’ he says, ‘there’s something you really ought to see before you go.’ ‘Oh?’ Magnus asks. ‘And what might that be?’ He snaps his fingers, and a long, dapper coat appears over his own shoulders, a vibrant blue neckerchief peeping out from where it’s tucked warmly around his throat. His eyes darken to a rich brown, disguising their golden magic. They leave, and as Alec’s locking the door behind them, he says, ‘It’s this one path in Central Park. It’s fairly out of the way, pretty quiet – but it’s beautiful this time of year, because all the leaves have turned. It’s like something out of a fairytale.’ ‘Well,’ Magnus says with a smile, gesturing for Alec to go first, ‘I do like a fairytale. Lead on, Alexander.’

***

Magnus loses himself in easy conversation with Alexander on their way back from the park, and tries not to think of the third and final wish looming on the horizon.

He’s surprised himself, these last few weeks. He’s spent more one-on-one time with Alexander than he has with anyone else in the last hundred years, bar Catarina and a handful of lovers, and he’s found himself surprisingly… attached. He put it down to loneliness, at first – two years of house arrest would do that to anyone – and then he tried to pass it off as just flirting with a handsome guy, a way to pass the time while he waited to repay a favour. But somehow, without him noticing, he seems nice had turned into he’s my friend. He’s fun to flirt with had turned into I adore his company. I can afford to stick around for a while had turned into gods, I’m really going to miss him. Magnus hasn’t missed anyone in a long, long time, and he’s dreading it.

But it’s for the best, he reminds himself. Alexander’s a nice, regular mortal, who doesn’t need his life turned upside down by a sentimental old genie who doesn’t know when it’s time to move along. He’s polite, and thoughtful, and kind – far, far too kind to ever tell Magnus that it’s time for him to get back to his real life, to come down from the clouds bearing a fleeting whimsy of magic wishes and touch down in steady reality again. Magnus knows all of this. But knowing something and being happy about it are worlds apart, sometimes. Just like him and Alexander.

He tunes back in as his companion starts telling an anecdote of the time Jace convinced Max to climb to the very top of a tree, to throw down a frisbee that was stuck up there. Unfortunately, the seven-year-old had gotten stuck right alongside the frisbee, and had started sobbing – which had meant that Alexander (as the oldest, and tallest, and the one with the longest arms) was drafted into a perilous rescue mission, whilst Jace and Isabelle crowded the base of the tree, hoping to break any falls. There’s a fierce, fond love in Alexander’s eyes as he laughs at the memory, and he’s waving his hands in an impression of Isabelle as he recounts how she was yelling at Jace, calling him a reckless, irresponsible disaster of a human being –

Alexander suddenly starts toppling, his foot sliding out of control on a thin layer of evening frost, a gasp of faint surprise on his lips as he falls away from the sidewalk and towards the road. Magnus moves before he can consciously register it. His magic sticks his own feet to the floor as he reaches out with both hands, grabbing ahold of Alexander’s coat and pulling with all his might.

Alexander lurches forward, coming to rest with his torso pressed against Magnus’, his weight supported by the arm Magnus has thrown around his waist as well as the hand that’s still fisted in the front of his coat. A car zooms past them, right where Alexander’s head was a moment ago. They stand there for a few seconds, their stunned silence broken only by the noise of the traffic and their heavy breathing. ‘Are you all right?’ Magnus murmurs, his heart still pounding. Alexander blinks a few times, his tongue darting over his lips briefly before he can form the words. ‘Y-yeah. Thanks,’ he breathes.

A faint pink appears in his cheeks, growing beyond the already-present glow of the cold air, and it snaps Magnus out his trance as he realises the kind of tableau they must be making right now. He lets out a slightly breathless laugh, hearing how it comes out half-nervous, half-relieved, and absolutely zero percent casual. ‘Think nothing of it,’ he says, stepping back, steadying Alexander before removing his hands. He takes a deep breath, just managing to find a veneer of confident charm and an easy smile. ‘See, I told you,’ he says. ‘Didn’t I say that if I had a chance to save your life, I wouldn’t make you waste a wish on it?’ Alexander laughs, and the tension between them breaks. They walk home, comfortable in each other’s company – albeit a few inches further apart.

~oOo~

[seouledbysisi]

Something New

Chapter Twelve

Sasha

A couple of months had passed without Jaehyun physically there with her. She lied in bed in sorrow most nights. How had things changed so fast. She understood that his mom had a responsibility to do what was best for her children and she had to get away from her father but it was such bad timing. She and Jaehyun had just gotten together and things were going so well and now she wondered could they weather through this change. They hadn’t been together for a really long time so she prayed that he wouldn’t find someone better or more like him there in Korea. Every night before she fell asleep she replayed their last goodbye or ‘see you later’ as he called it.

-FLASHBACK-

They stood in the airport holding each other’s hands.

“I don’t want to let you go.” Sasha spoke as tears started to well up in her eyes.

Jaehyun sighed and pulled her into his chest. He held her tight. His heart had started pounding like crazy. It scared him to leave her. What scared him most was that she wouldn’t be able to deal with the distance and she would call things off. “I don’t want to leave you either. This is so hard for me too. You know that, right?”

She nodded in his chest. A tear escaped. “Don’t forget about me.”

He pulled back from her and stared into her face. Trying to permanently lock in her features in his brain. “How could I ever? You’re the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time.”

She wiped her nose. She couldn’t control her emotions. She was breaking down. “What if you find someone else whose prettier?”

He shook his head quickly. “You’re the prettiest in my eyes. Besides you have everything I want and need.”

His mom came up and rubbed her back. “I’m so sorry, Sasha. But you’re more than welcome to visit us whenever. Just say the word. You’ve been so good to my family and at this point you’re apart of my family.” She kissed her forehead and stood to the side.

Ivy, Brianne and Johnny all walked up and joined in the group hug.

“See you later,man!” Johnny said as he patted his shoulder.

“It’s time, Jeffrey.” His mom said softly as she rubbed his back.

He finally allowed a tear to fall onto his cheek. “Have no fears, babe. I’ll always be yours.” He whispered to her. “I love you.” He spoke quickly and let her go before she could even respond and grabbed Max up and followed his mother and Ellie.

Ivy pulled her into her embrace and rubbed her hair. “It’s gonna be okay, love.”

-FLASHBACK ENDS-

A knock formed on Sasha’s door. Her mom came on in and laid on the bed with her. She knew her daughter hadn’t been the same since he left.

Sasha knew her dad didn’t approve of how hard she had been taking Jaehyun’s departure but he just didn’t understand. Jaehyun meant a lot to her and his presence was something that she longed for.

“I have something for you.” Her mom whispered as she laid a piece of mail in front of her. “I think you should open it. It’s from Mrs. Jung.”

She tore the mail open. It was a letter from her plus a plane ticket voucher to use anytime she wanted.

Hello Sasha,

I pray all is well. I’m so sorry for causing an inconvenience to you and Jaehyun. I see how hard it is for my son without you. He doesn’t talk much and stays locked up in his room and I know I’m the cause of this behavior. You may not understand this but I had to leave. I couldn’t stay here where my husband is, I couldn’t allow him to change my mind about leaving. I pray you will forgive me and not ever punish my son. He loves you very much and so do I. Here’s a plane ticket. I meant when I said you could come here whenever. I’d love to have you here!

With so much love,

Mrs. Jung

Her heart felt a bit lighter after reading Mrs. Jung’s words. She could never be mad at Mrs. Jung. She understood that they were dealing with tough circumstances and she wasn’t a selfish person. Nonetheless she just missed Jaehyun. Seeing him on FaceTime was great but it was nothing like getting to feel the warmth of his arms wrapped around her or the spark from the soft kisses her gave to her. It was just different but she had to find a way to deal with it because she couldn’t lose him.

Ivy

The ladies walked the halls of school together. There were posters advertising the prom’s theme everywhere. Arabian nights.

“So we’re still going prom dress shopping after school, right?” Ivy asked the girls.

Brianne looked over at Sasha with sad eyes. “Yeah of course.” She answered under her breath.

Ivy sighed as she noticed that Sasha didn’t answer. “You’re still going to prom. Me, you and Johnny! He’s both of our dates, he has no choice in the matter.” She giggled.

Sasha shook her head. “No, this is senior prom. Our last one, I’m not ruining your moment simply because I don’t have a date. I’m fine, I’ll probably just try to FaceTime with Jaehyun that night.”

Ivy snatched her around. “The only way you will ever ruin it is by not going with us. Johnny already knows he’s both of our dates. Jae wouldn’t want you to miss this night, Sasha!”

Sasha exhaled deeply. “So you’re making me go?”

“You’re damn right I am!” She responded with her hands on her hips.

Brianne giggled. “And if you don’t want Johnny you can always share Taeil with me!”

Ivy rolled her eyes. “She should be ever so lucky to walk arm in arm with my man!” Ivy laughed.

“I guess I’m going dress shopping then.” She sighed. Her phone pinged. Jaehyun.

I’m thinking of you, baby <3

Her face lit up. She wasn’t expecting a text from him but it’s almost like he knew the right moment to remind her that everything was going to be okay in due time.

Ivy snatched the phone. “He’s so cute!” She handed the phone back. “He loves you, Sasha!”

Brianne smiled. “I don’t know how you do it. I’d be stressing out everyday!”

Sasha shrugged. “This is the test of all relationship tests.” She giggled. “But I’m not giving up.”

Ivy beamed at her. “That’s the spirit. Plus he’s loaded, you can see him whenever you want.”

Sasha rolled her eyes. “His parents are loaded, he can’t just use their money on me whenever he feels like it.” She chuckled.

Ivy shrugged. “Johnny does for me.”

Brianne cleared her throat. “Speaking of him again, did y’all ever have sex?”

Ivy began to blush. “Now you know if he had popped this cherry y’all would be the first to know! But I do think it’s happening soon.”

Sasha became curious at this point. “Everyone has sex on prom night, you think it’s happening?”

She nodded with a huge smile. “It better cause if it doesn’t I’ll be so disappointed!”

“Why?!” Brianne exclaimed a little too loudly that people in the hallway looked at them.

Ivy giggled. “Because I’m ready. Every time I’m around him I’m hot and bothered. Something has got to happen, cause I don’t wanna feel like this every time he’s in my presence.”

“You do realize that the feeling will probably be amplified once y’all act on it, right?” Sasha told her with a smile.

Ivy shrugged with a smirk on her face. “Well so be it! I’m too ready for the di-“

“Don’t finish that sentence!” Brianne quickly cut her off. She was a little weird about too much intimate ‘bed talk’.

Johnny

For some reason a few scouts from SM had been in and out of the music room all day. Johnny wanted to be nosey to see what had been up.

He stood to the side of the door as he listened to someone singing. The voice was amazing. Sounded like the voice of an angel.

He cracked the door open a bit and was even more shocked that the voice was coming from Taeil. He knew he was in the school choir but he had no idea the man had vocal cords that good.

https://youtu.be/sCAIXySOw4w

Taeil

After he got through singing the scout gave him a standing ovation.

“Your choir director recommended you. How do you feel about being an idol?” She asked.

Taeil raised an eyebrow. “What’s a idol?”

“It’s a singer, performer in Korea. You’ll be placed in a group. You’ll go through rigorous training and when the company thinks you’re ready you’ll debut for the world to see.” She explained.

Taeil shook his head. “I just do this for fun. I’m not trying to be a performer.”

“Think about it, what could be better than having a million screaming girls who are infatuated with everything about you?” She asked with a smirk on her face.

He shrugged. “I get enough attention from my girlfriend.”

The woman sighed. This was harder than she thought it would be. “What about traveling the world? What could be better than experiencing many different cultures?”

“Now you have a point. That could be fun.” He said with a smile.

She nodded. “And some of your schoolmates have already been scouted as well.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Like who?”

“Taeyong Lee and Johnny Suh.”

His eyes widened from shock. He wondered why Johnny hadn’t mentioned anything. They hung out with the girls every weekend so it was strange that nobody had mentioned anything.

“Look, you have an amazing voice and we need that. You have range and you could potentially debut being a main vocalist. Your voice would be out front! Here’s my card. Contact me soon if you’re interested because after you graduate we need you in Korea! I’m looking forward to your call.” She said and grabbed her things and left out.

Taeil started back playing the piano. He had only visited Korea before like maybe twice. His parents were born there and he had grandparents there but that was about it. He wasn’t sure what he was going to do but he knew that SM wanted an answer sooner rather than later unfortunately so he didn’t have time to think long.

-stay tuned

[couragehopelovefaith]

Aladdin (2019) review (contains spoilers)

So... I went to see “Aladdin” tonight and wanted to write down my thoughts. If you haven’t seen the movie yet and don’t want to get spoiled, don’t read any further. 

The original Aladdin is good, but I very rarely re-watch it. So I didn’t have many expectations. But this live-action actually might be my favorite made so far, for so many reasons.

First… The Genie. While I have a huge respect for Williams and his work, I have watched the original movie in English only once, so I don’t have as strong emotional attachment to him as some others might have. When the trailers and clips came out, I knew from the moviemakers’ tweets and announcements that the production was still on going. Even so, I did not have any critizism for Will Smith’s performance or the CGI. But when I saw him on screen… gosh, he melted my heart. Him and the script added so much more depth to Genie’s story and his part and performance were very well done and funny in their own way - and also way more emotional than I expected. I actually clapped, when he panickally asked Aladdin to wish something in the end and cautiously rehearsed to say no for once. I had no idea Smith could sing so well, so that was a pleasant surprise. I hate when people are trying to copy their predecessors, so I was really glad that Will made Genie his own while still honoring the original work. So please… don’t let this movie slip away just because of your prejudices.

Yes, Jafar was not as “rough”, chilling or threatening as in the original, but he was still convincing, especially when his “true colors” came out. He wasn’t meant to be all evil right from the start - or at least show it to the audience. I actually prefer villains, who show their true essence little by little and deceive the heroes. I liked the fact that his agenda was more political and that we get to know more about where he actually comes from and how he was treated. (Plus, let me tell you, some theorists who made guesses about his roots will be very pleased.) Jago was made really plausibly, and he preserved his sassy and funny side. I am a bit sad that we did not see “Prince Ali reprise”, but I also understand why they left it out. “The second rate”-reference from the sequel was a nice detail as well.

I really liked the new characters, especially Dalia, they were really entertaining and refreshing add to the story. Abu and the Carpet stole my heart from the very first moment, and I actually gasped in pain, when the Carpet was ripped. I had no problem with the white character, either. Still, Rajah was my ultimate favorite in the end. ;) 

I also adored the fact that Sultan was more than a little comical relief (although, the moment with him, Genie, Aladdin and Jasmine was HILARIOUS). A part of me wanted to see Jasmine as a slave and tricking Jafar by her “affection” to him, but Jafar actually trying to kill Sultan and her friend to get Jasmine to agree to marry him is way more efficent and horrifying. Even though I knew what was going to happen, “That was close”-moment with their wedding was also very thrilling.

Naomi was, IS, Jasmine. I liked the changes in her story so so much. She was able to keep Jasmine’s wittiness and independence, but also add some sadness, gentleness and wisdom in the character. Some people might disagree, but her wanting to know more about her people, acknowledging her blindness and prejudices and becoming a Sultan and was everything I hoped and more. I also loved how she at first was guarded and distant towards Prince Ali, became suspicious about Aladdin’s true identity, and wanted to know more about him. Their balcony scenes and discussion after “A Whole New World” are way better in this movie, in my opinion. When it comes to the original, I was always really disappointed that Jasmine didn’t get her own song. Now we have it - and It's perfect as far as I’m concerned. Naomi’s voice and the way that the scenes were created, were mesmerizing. I seriously got some chills and tears in my eyes, and bumped my fist through the air. Yes, it is quite different from the rest of the movie, but that only makes it unique for me. When the soundtrack was published, I listened this song for hours - and cried everytime. It’s such an empowering song and I think many people in different circumstances will relate to it. Some people refer to it as “second Let it go”, but in my eyes it's actually really different and better. One of my favorite things about this movie is the fact that they deepened the relationship between Jasmine and Aladdin. This is actually one of the most romantic remakes as well. 

In addition to “Speechless”, “Arabian Nights” is my favorite from this movie. The whole first scene and how we fly from the sea through the whole Agrabah is really fascinating. I also loved that they chose to make it longer, since it was my favorite from the original and I remember thinking: “Oh, is it over already? So pity.” But all the other songs were great as well. I was a bit worried about “A Whole New World”, since it is such an iconic masterpiece, but it was carried out beautifully. The special effects and Will’s Performance in “Prince Ali” and “A Friend Like Me” were breathtaking. I didn’t think “Prince Ali” as too slow or plain, and, in my opinion, more Genie-transformations would have made the scene confusing and hard to follow. Maybe that’s just me. It was really hard for me not to start dancing and singing from the top of my lungs. 

Aladdin was perfectly casted as well. Mena Massoud isn’t the most impressive singer, but he figured out the essence of Aladdin and sounded very close to the original, while adding his own layer to it. I especially adored the second reprise of “One Jump Ahead”, but other his songs were also good. I like that in the “One Jump Ahead” he actually sounds like he is running away from someone. The good change was also that you could actually see how he changed his mind about freeing the Genie little by little and how he didn’t capture the essence of Prince Ali right away, but was really awkward and nervous at first (it was visible in, for example, “Prince Ali”, where his confidence grew gradually). Plus, the fact that the Genie emphasized the rules and the importance of “putting your words” right while doing the wishes was clever. All in all: charming, sensible, funny and natural performance by Mena. 

As a side fact, the costumes were both close enough to the original ones, but they still had some originality, which I really respect.

The long story short: do yourselves a favor, and go watch this diamond (pun intended). In my opinion, it really is worth of your time. I got the feeling that there might be a chance for the sequel. Hopefully it will happen at some point. 

[acmaintenanceindubai01]

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[bxcketbarnes]

Undercover

Pairing: Mitch Rapp x Reader

Author: @ninja-stiles

Words: 5363

Author’s Note: So, this was supposed to be done a long time ago, but I couldn’t like, I didn’t feel like writing smut cause it always discourages me, but I finally finished it! Mitch was the result of the survey and someone had provided this idea, although it’s slightly different, so thank you! I hope you guys enjoy it! Thank you to my lovely best friend @mf-despair-queen for proofreading this for me!

I’ve been working under Stan for a couple years now, even before he brought in new recruits. I’m the only women that he had taken under his wing and I couldn’t be anymore grateful. He took me away from my fucked up home life and made me feel loved again. I saw Stan as a father figure now since my actual father died in combat and my step father is a fucking piece of shit who beats his wife and daughter. While he was training the new recruits, he sent me out on many missions, not wanting me to meet them yet since he didn’t know how they’d feel about a women being in this profession.

I laid on my bed staring at the ceiling as I stroked the top of my unloaded gun, thinking about how my mom’s doing or if she’s even alive. I sighed, sitting up, grabbing the cleaning supplies, trying to keep my mind off of everything. I take apart my pistol, cleaning every piece of it when there's a knock on my door.

“Come in,” I muttered, glancing towards the door as Stan walks in, closing it behind him as I begin putting the pieces back together. I place the now put together gun on my nightstand, giving him my full attention.

“Keeping your mind off things?” He asked and I raised my eyebrows, shocked that he knew what I was doing. “I used to do the same thing,” Stan mentioned, answering my mental question as he picked up my gun. “Whenever my mind needed a break, I'd always clean my gun,” He chuckled, placing it back on the stand, sitting down on the bed next to me.

“Yeah. Well, my mind wouldn't shut the fuck up,” I muttered, playing with the ends of my shirt, glancing up towards him. “Did you need something, sir?” I asked.

“Yeah. You're going to be going undercover to this grand ball event. The target you’re after is going to be there tomorrow night and I need you to take him out. You’re one of my best recruits here. You think you can do it?” Stan asked and I nodded my head, getting off my bed, grabbing the suitcase that’s under my bed and beginning to pack. Stan placed a file on my bed, telling me to study up before taking off tomorrow morning. After I had packed a few clothes, I sat down on the bed, picking up the file.

“Geoffroy Silvestre, huh?” I mumbled, opening it, reading everything on this man, assuming I’ll have to interact with him at some point during the ball. Two kids, an ex-wife. So, if I have to make a move on him to get him alone, so be it. I glanced through the papers, seeing some surveillance photos of the man meeting with an Arabian man, men in the background carrying crates, presuming to be weaponry. I looked through a few more of them when a familiar guy in one of the picture’s catches my attention, sitting up straight. No way… I looked a bit closer, seeing my step father standing in the background with a guy, testing out a gun and my blood boiled. How could he put my mother in danger like that? Did Stan know about this?

I set the file in my suitcase, sneaking out of my room, heading towards Stan’s office. I opened the door, barging in without knocking. Luckily, no one was in his office. I slammed the door behind me, standing in front of his desk, arms crossed, glaring at him as he closed his laptop, giving me his full attention.

“Something wrong, Y/N?” Stan asked, leaning back in his chair and I scoffed, pacing from side to side.

“Is something wrong? Of course there’s something wrong, Stan,” I glared, placing my hands on my hips. “How come you didn’t fucking tell me that my step father was involved with the target?” I asked him, leaning my hands on his desk. His face stayed blank, always able to hide his emotions well.

“This is the reason why. Your reaction. Plus, I thought you hated him?” Stan asked and I let out a breath, sitting in the chair.

“Of course I fucking hate him. He’d beat me and my mother, but I’m just worried for her safety. If he pissed someone off, they’ll find him and she’ll be in the crossfire. I can’t lose my mother,” I sighed, tears pooling in my eyes. Stan got out of his chair, crouching down in front of me, grabbing my hands.

“It’s alright. She’s safe, okay? I have people out there who keep an eye on her since you can’t,” He told me and I smiled softly, wrapping my arms around his neck, giving him a hug.

“Thanks Stan. Sorry I got all pissy at you,” I mumbled and he chuckled, ruffling my hair and I hit his hand, playfully glaring at him.

“It’s okay. Now, get to bed. You have a plane to catch in the morning.”

 I stepped out of the cab in Paris, staring up at the beautiful hotel in front of me while smiling slightly, not believing that I’m actually here. I’ve wanted to come here since I was a kid, hoping to kiss someone I loved at the top of the Eiffel Tower. I sighed, remembering that I’m here on business and walk into the hotel, checking in before heading up to my room on the 63rd floor. Once inside the room, I see a beautiful blue dress on my bed and I smiled, placing my suitcase on the space next to it, picking the dress up and holding it to my body in front of the mirror.

“This is absolutely gorgeous,” I muttered to myself, glancing towards the clock, seeing it was almost five p.m. “I should probably start getting ready., I mumbled, placing the dress back on the bed, heading into the ensuite, taking a quick shower. After I finished washing the essentials, I walked back into the bedroom, white towel wrapped around my body while another towel held my hair up. I open my suitcase, pulling out a blue lace bra and matching panty, sliding them on before placing a robe over my body. I blow dryed my hair, curling it in some loose curls afterwards, applying some light, natural makeup to my face. When I walked back out into the bedroom again, I noticed the clock telling me it was almost seven o’clock.

“Damn it. I’m going to be a bit late,” I sighed, slipping the robe off, sliding the dress up my body, adjusting my breasts, making sure they’re shown off in the best way possible. I slipped on my shoes quickly, my phone going off and I glance at it, seeing a text letting me know that my driver was here. I replied that I’d be down in a minute, grabbing my gun holster, attaching it to my left thigh before heading out.

 The driver pulled up to the big building where the event was held, a guy opening the door for me and I quietly thank him before waltzing inside, showing security my invitation. I glance around for exits inside just in case something goes wrong while also trying to find my target, making my way over to the open bar. I smiled at the bar tender, ordering a sex on the beach. As I waited for my drink, a handsome man that seemed to be around my age stood next to me, ordering a rum and coke. He glanced over at me, giving me a grin and I melted a bit. Holy shit. This guy is gorgeous. Introduce yourself, idiot.

“Evie,” I smiled, holding my hand out to him and he took it, smiling softly at me before bringing his lips to the back of it, blushing slightly at his actions.

“Beautiful name for a beautiful lady. The name’s Jacob,” He smiled and I grinned, the bartender handing both of us our drinks. I go to pay when Jacob stops me. “This is on me,” Jacob smiled, handing the guy a twenty before walking off with me.

“Oh, Jacob. You didn’t have to do that. I could’ve paid for my own drink,” I blushed, getting a little distracted from the mission. I glanced around the room as I took a sip of my drink, loving the taste, finding the target in the corner of the room, flirting with some broad. “Jacob, do you mind if I go say hi to someone I know? It’ll take a minute unless you don’t want me to come back,” I asked, cursing myself for getting involved with this cute chestnut-haired man who has this stubble on his face and gorgeous whiskey colored orbs that I could get lost in.

“Of course I’d want you to come back. I would like to get to know the woman that took my breath away,” Jacob mumbled and my cheeks flushed, pressing my lips together.

“A-Alright, I’ll be right back,” I muttered, taking a gulp of my drink after I turned my back to him, feeling his eyes burn a hole into my back. I let out a sigh, my heartbeat pounding against my ribcage as I strolled closer towards Geoffroy. By the time I got over to him, I finished my drink, placing my glass on one of the servant's trays when they had walked by. I stood near him, listening to his conversation with a man, the woman he was with disappeared from his side.

“Sir, do you think discussing the weapon dealing at such a high security ball is wise?” The man asked and Geoffroy scoffed, rolling his eyes at the naive man.

“Please. I own half the security in this place. It’s fine,” He muttered, glancing over at me and I gave him a small charming smile, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. “Excuse me, Dan,” He mentioned before walking over towards me. “Hello, beautiful. Need a drink?” Geoffroy asked and I nodded my head and he stopped a servant, ordering a scotch on the rocks, before looking over at me.

“Sex on the beach, please,” I smiled and the servant nodded, heading towards the bar. “What’s a dashing man like yourself doing at a ball without a lady on your arm?” I asked him, grinning and he gave me a seductive smile.

“Well, I’m supposed to be here for work, not pleasure. But, why not have both?” I fake giggled at the man, placing a hand on his arm as his wrapped around my waist, squeezing my ass lightly and it took all my might not to sucker punch him. I looked out of the corner of my eye, seeing Jacob glaring at us and I bit my lip, wondering if he’s jealous. God, I bet he’s an animal in the sheets when jealous.

“Work? What do you do?” I asked, grabbing my drink from the servant when he came back, taking a sip from it.

“I’m an arms dealer. Does that turn you on? A big muscular man like myself dealing with all different types of guns?” He smirked and I almost threw up in my mouth, giving him a fake grin.

“Oh definitely. Pardon me for a moment? I have to use the ladies room.” I dragged my hand down his chest as he let me go, making my way back towards Jacob, hoping he’s out of sight from Geoffroy. Jacob grabbed my wrist, pulling me to a secluded area and I gasped as he pushed me against the wall.

“Flirting with other men, huh?” His deep, coarse voice whispered into my ear, making me shiver slightly, gulping.

“I-I…” I started, getting cut off by him pressing his lips to the edge of my ear, dragging it down towards my earlobe, nibbling on it slightly.

“Don’t even try to lie to me. I saw you. Was this your plan? Make me jealous? Hm?” He asked, trailing his lips towards my neck, placing wet kisses against my flushed skin, my heart jumping, arousal pooling in my panties. Christ almighty.

“Y-Yes… was it working?” I asked, suppressing a moan from escaping my lips. His hand gripped my waist, pressing his body against mine, moving his lips down towards my exposed collar bone.

“Absolutely it was. You’re lucky I’m not going to take you right here, right now,” Jacob growled, biting my skin as a gasp left my parted lips.

“As much as I’d love you to have your way with me here, I have a hotel room not far from here,” I muttered, taking my lip between my bottom teeth as he brought his head back up, looking down at me with lust circling in his orbs. He brought his hand up towards my face, rubbing my cheek with the pad of his thumb, feeling the calloused skin against my soft skin before he leaned down, connecting our lips. My fingers ran through his hair, tugging on the ends of it slightly as I moved my lips against his. Jacob’s arm wrapped around my waist, holding me close to him as his tongue poked out, licking my bottom lip, asking for entrance. I parted my lips, granting him entrance as our tongues danced together, Jacob trying to fight for dominance which I’m all for him having. He pulled away from me, resting his forehead against mine, rubbing circles on my hips.

“We should take this back to your hotel room…” Jacob whispered, glancing into my eyes as I nodded my head, swallowing thickly, running my hands against his broad chest. He intertwined our fingers together, leading me out of the building and into a taxi, giving the driver the address to my hotel. Jacob leaned his head into my neck, nipping at the skin as my hand gripped his wrist, holding in the moan until we’re alone. I leaned my head back, lips parted as I felt him suck on my skin, surely leaving a dark purplish mark on my neck. My hands rested on his cheeks, moving his head up towards mine, looking into his eyes for a few seconds before pushing our lips together. One of Jacob’s hands trailed down my side, staying on my hip as his lips moved against mine, dragging his lips up, pulling away slightly, feeling his minty breath hit my face.

“Your lips are so addicting.” I whispered, eyes closed as I heard him chuckle lightly. I opened my eyes, glancing up at him as his hand moved a curl out of my face, smiling softly. He was about to say something when the driver cleared his throat, both of us pulling away from each other, cheeks flushed as Jacob payed our driver. We get out of the cab and I intertwine our fingers, leading him into the building, quickly getting into the empty elevator, pressing the 63.

“Well, this will be a long wait,” He muttered, eyebrows raised. I giggled, leaning on my tippy toes, still feeling short while wearing six inch heels, kissing down his jawline towards the nape of his neck, looking for his sweet spot. His hands made their way back to my waist, his lips grazing the side of my head as I placed wet kisses to his neck, biting the skin softly, small moans leaving his lips.

Jacob’s finger lifted my chin up, placing his lips back on mine for the third time tonight and my heart fluttered a bit, never having a guy so soft with me before, especially with my past. I pulled away from him resting my head on his chest as I let out a small breath, trying to get the bad memories out of my head.

“You okay?” He asked me and I nodded my head slightly, my eyes closed as I softly rubbed his chest.

“S-Sorry. I-I just, um, bad memories,” I muttered, running my hands through my hair, pressing my lips together lightly. He smiled down at me, rubbing his large hand on my arm, placing a chaste kiss to my lips.

“I can help you forget those bad memories, if you allow me to?” He asked and I nodded my head, feeling a little desperate.

“Please…” I breathed out, the ding of the elevator going off, signaling us that we finally got to our floor. I take his hand again, walking towards my hotel room, opening the door. Once both of us are inside, Jacob pushes me up against the back of the door, lifting me up by my thighs after he pushed my dress up, roughly moving my lips against mine. I let out a little moan, one of his hands pushing down one of the straps of my dress, exposing the blue lace bra I’m currently wearing.

“Fuck. Lace and my favorite color,” He groaned, placing some kisses on the top of my breast, carrying me towards the bedroom, throwing me onto the bed. Jacob moved my robe and suitcase off the bed before crawling on top of me, his hand trailing up my thigh, landing on my gun holster. My breath hitched, digging my nails into his bicep as his eyebrows furrowed together in confusion, leaning up, taking the gun out of the holster. “Why do you have a gun?” He asked me and I leaned on my hands, lips moving like a fish out of water, trying to find a unsuspicious answer.

“U-Uh, I-I carry it… for protection,” I muttered, looking up at him and he didn’t seem convinced. “I-I wasn’t going to shoot you if that makes you feel better.” I bit my lip as he put it down on the nightstand, standing up, pacing slightly.

“Are you here for a reason?” He asked me and I gulped, shaking my head. “You just lied to me.” Jacob growled, narrowing his eyes at me.

“No! I didn’t, I swear! A friend of mine gave me the invitation because she couldn’t make it and since I live in America, I had to fly here. She knew that I always wanted to come to Paris, so she thought this would be the perfect opportunity to go out and find someone that I could fulfill my dream with,” I semi-lied, sitting on the edge of the bed, Jacob now standing two feet in front of me.

“What’s your dream?” He asked and I blushed, letting out a small sigh, not really wanting to reveal the dream I’ve had since I was a teenager.

“I-I’ve always wanted to kiss someone I truly loved on top of the Eiffel Tower. Childish, I know.” I frowned, looking down at the floor, thinking that he’s going to want to leave now.

“That’s not childish at all. I’m assuming you’re the hopeless romantic type. It’s cute,” He smiled, crouching down in between my legs, grabbing onto my hands, rubbing the back of them with his thumb slowly. I was about to tell him something when my phone rang, pulling the device out of my bra, seeing a text message from Stan.

 “Y/N, have you gathered the information on the target? Haven’t heard from you in quite a while…”

 “I thought you said your name was Evie,” Jacob muttered and my body stiffened, holding the phone close to my chest. When I didn’t say anything, not making eye contact with him, he let out a sigh. “So you were lying. Why’s Stan Hurley messaging you, huh?” He asked and I furrowed my eyebrows together in confusion, knowing that I don’t have his last name written on my phone.

“How do you know that’s his last name?” I asked him and his eyes widened, standing up, moving towards the dresser that’s in the room.

“Because, it says so on your phone,” He lied and I stood up, heading towards my nightstand where my gun is.

“It doesn’t actually. It just says Stan. For all you know, he could be my father or something,” I muttered, bitterly and my hand reached for the gun. By the time I pointed my gun at him, he had one pointing at me as well.

“Who are you?” He asked and I laughed bitterly, tilting my head to the side.

“I could ask you the same thing. Here’s what we can do. We can be civil and truthful and no one has to get hurt. Just answer me this. Are you working for the good guys or the bad guys?” I asked.

“Alright, I can do that. I work for the good guys. Specifically, I work under Stan Hurley,” He muttered and I lowered my gun, letting out a sigh of relief, placing it back on the table. “Now, what’s your real name?” He asked me and I glanced towards him.

“Y/N. What’s yours?” I responded, asking him the same question and he put on the safety on the pistol, placing it on the dresser, walking towards me.

“Mitch, Mitch Rapp,” He answered lowly, turning me on slightly with his deep voice, his eyes glancing down at my exposed breasts. “We were after the same target, but luckily you got something out of him. I seemed to got distracted somehow,” Mitch muttered, his arm sliding around my waist, pulling me close to him as his fingers played with the zipper of the dress.

“Oh yeah? A lady get your attention?” I whispered, our faces inches from each other as he nodded his head.

“Most definitely. The most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and there was no way that I was leaving without getting a little closer to her.” Mitch bit his lip, brushing his lips against mine, nibbling on my bottom lip slightly. My breath hitched in my throat, gripping his biceps as he began to unzip my dress, making the blue fabric fall to my ankles, exposing my body to him. I stepped out of the dress, moving Mitch towards the bed as he sat down on it, looking up at me.

“Well, I was a bit distracted as well. You see, there was this guy there and he looked so incredibly good,” I whispered, straddling his hips, resting my hands on his shoulders. “I’m not usually the type of girl to go home with a guy I just met, but I totally wanted to go home with him.” I bit my lip, pushing his shoulders down, his back hitting the soft mattress below us.

“Shut up,” Mitch muttered lowly, pulling me down by the back of my head, pressing his lips to mine, shutting me up. I moaned into the kiss, my hands on his chest as I gyrated my hips on his a bit. He groaned, thrusting his hips up a bit, feeling his semi-hard on against my ass. Mitch’s hands trailed down my sides and onto my ass cheeks, squeezing them lightly before he smacks one of his hands against the panty-covered skin. I let out a gasp in our heated kiss, my fingers gripping his hair as I brushed our lips together.

“O-Oh, god.” I moaned, my forehead pressed against his as he smirks.

“Do you like that, baby? Huh? Do you like when I smack that fine ass of yours?” He asked me, his hand smacking my ass cheek once more before he moves my panties to the side, pressing his fingers against my wet folds.

“Y-Yes,” I muttered, bucking my hips against his fingers, needing more from him.

“Yes what?” Mitch growled and I whined as his fingers left my skin. His fingers running through my hair, tugging on it lightly, my head tilted back.

“Yes, sir,” I moaned, his lips pressed against my neck, sucking on it lightly. One of his arms wrapped around my waist, standing up as he kept his hold on me, laying me on my back. Mitch crawled on top of me, ripping my bra off, gasping as the cute fabric was ripped into a few pieces. I was about to yell at him when he pressed his lips against mine for a few seconds.

“I’ll buy you a new one,” He muttered, trailing his lips down my chest, wrapping them around my hardened nipple. My hands reached above my head, gripping onto the sheets as he bit my nub before moving his attention to the other nipple.

“Fuck, Mitch. S-Sir, please,” I begged, my eyes fluttering shut as his lips left my nub, moving down my stomach towards my core. His hands gripped my panties, pulling them down my legs, throwing it to the floor before spreading my legs open, kissing up my legs. I leaned on my elbows, looking down at him as his head was placed in between my thighs, licking up my slit. A  loud moan left my lips, arching my back as his tongue came into contact with my clit. I glanced down again, seeing his eyes on me as I writhed underneath him, his tongue delving through my folds, lapping at my juices. “Jesus Christ,” I muttered, feeling my lower stomach clench as Mitch slipped a few fingers into my entrance, pumping them slowly.

Mitch removed his tongue from my clit, leaning up towards me as his fingers continued pumping into me at a faster pace, small pants leaving my lips. He leaned his forehead against my cheek as I gasped, moaning his name softly as he continued. “You like that baby? You like when I’m touching you like this?” Mitch asked and I nodded my head, one of my hands gripping his bicep.

“God, yes, sir. I need more. Please give me more,” I moaned, looking him in the eyes as he grinned sinisterly. My nails digged into his skin, my legs beginning to shake as the tips of his fingers kept brushing against my sweet spot. I let out a loud gasp, my juices flowing as I came on his long slender fingers, his teeth grazing my earlobe.

I breathed heavily as he slowed his fingers, prolonging my orgasm. Once I came down from my high, I sit up, unbuttoning Mitch’s dress pants as I pull them and his boxers down. His cock slaps against his stomach, my lips parted at how big he is. I kneel next to him, taking his length into my hand as I stroke him slowly, licking my lips a bit. His head hung back, groans leaving his pink lips as I begin to jack him off faster. I dip my head down, licking up the underside of his cock, feeling the veins pulse slightly. My tongue circles around his tip before taking him into my mouth, bobbing my head on him slowly.

“Fuck baby girl,” Mitch moaned, his hand resting on the back of my head, pushing it down lightly. One of my hands rested on his thigh as the other softly massaged his balls, hearing him moan my name. His fingers gripped my hair, moving my head on his length, his tip close to hitting the back of my throat. I groaned on his length as he began to fuck my mouth, hisses leaving his lips as both his hands hold onto my head. I breathed through my nose, taking him deeper into my throat as my nose is pressed against the dark hair. I gag slightly, deepthroating him as his hand slapped against my ass cheek once more. Mitch pulled me off his cock, pressing his lips roughly to mine. “I need to be inside that tight pussy, right now,” He growled lowly and I bit my lip.

He got up off the bed, getting behind me as he pushed my back down, bending me over. My chest was pressed against the mattress, my ass in the air as he rubbed his length against my skin. Mitch stroked his tip in my folds a few times before pressing in slowly, sinking fully into me as I moaned, my walls squeezing his cock. He began thrusting into me, my hands gripping the sheets, lips parted as no sounds came out. Fuck, he’s so big. Mitch’s thrust started to become faster, his hips slamming into my ass, a clapping noise echoing throughout the hotel room along with our heavy breaths and moans.

“Oh fuck, Mitch,” I moaned, leaning my head back as he bent down, pressing his lips to my bare shoulder blade. “God, you feel so good. Don’t stop,” I breathed, moving my ass back against him, his cock reaching new depths.

“Trust me, baby. I’m not going to stop. Not until we both cum,” He groaned, biting my skin as his hand came around from the front, rubbing my clit roughly. I gasped loudly, writhing underneath him as he hit my sweet spot over and over. Mitch brought my hands behind my back, pinning them to the small of my back with his free hand, his thrusts becoming more rough.

I let out a small scream, desperately wanting something to grab onto as his thrusts dug me into the mattress. “I-I’m going to cum, sir,” I moaned, biting the sheets as my eyes fluttered shut, the pleasure surging throughout my body as his hand that was rubbing my clit move to my ass, slapping it.

“You can’t cum ‘til I tell you to,” He growled, slapping my other ass cheek, alternating as I moaned, loving the demanding side of him. “Got it?” Mitch asked and I nodded my head on the mattress, gripping my own hand.

“Y-Yes, sir,” I groaned, my walls clenching on his length, trying really hard not to cum, my stomach churning. Mitch groaned from behind me, his thrusts becoming a little sloppy as he released my hands, both his hands moving to my ass, spreading my cheeks.

“Cum with me, baby,” Mitch moaned, smacking my ass once more, pleasure surging through my body as he hit my sweet spot once more, my walls clenching tight against his cock. My body begins to shake a bit as I began cumming on his length. His hands gripped my skin, slamming into me once more, his cock deep inside me as he released his warm load deep into me. I grip the sheets once more, moaning out as I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling his hand rub my outer thigh.

“Fucking hell,” I panted, Mitch pulling out of me slowly, feeling our juices drip from my pussy onto my leg. I collapsed on the bed, breathing heavily as Mitch laid down next to me. “You are absolutely incredible. Holy shit. I don’t think I’ve ever been fucked that good.” I bit my lip, blushing slightly as he grinned at me.

“Well, I’m glad. Um, I don’t want you to think that this is all I want. I-I actually knew of you before I came here. Stan sent me here to keep an eye on you, just incase something happened. I saw you one night at the Barn and I always wanted to talk to you, but Stan hid you from everyone,” Mitch confessed and I sat up, my eyebrows raised slightly.

“Y-You knew of me?” I asked and he nodded his head, sitting up as well. “Then how come you didn’t bother trying to see me?” Mitch’s lips parted as I asked the question, looking like a fish out of water.

“I don’t really have a good answer for that, but I practically begged to be let on this mission,” He mentioned and my cheeks flushed, honored that someone went through so much trouble to get to me. I smiled, realizing that he actually knew who I was.

“So, you pretended not to know who I was then?” I asked and he nodded his head again, scooting a little bit closer to me.

“Yeah, and now that you’re in my grasp, I want to know more,” Mitch whispered, his lips brushing mine ever so softly and my heart skips a beat. My eyes flutter shut as he pressed his lips to mine, kissing me softer than he was earlier.

“I’d be glad to let you know and have more of me,” I whispered, glancing up at him and he grinned, pulling me back into a kiss.

[stickthisinyourearpodcast]

The Afghan Whigs. September 28, 2017. Cincinnati, Ohio. 

Review by Rich Richmond 

A really great rock and roll show is best experienced among friends. Last night about 1000 friends came together in Corryville and were treated to just that, a really great rock n roll show. The Afghan Whigs were back in town and were welcomed home in a big way. “The Congregation” as they’re informally known, are nowhere more reverent than in the Whigs hometown of Cincinnati. The faithful worship at the altar of Dulli and breathe in every word, every riff, every moment. This was the homecoming game, bonfire, and dance all at once.

There is no common fan, I’ve never met a casual Afghan Whigs fan. Of course, this is no common band.

Born in the ashes of the post-punk, pre-grunge era, The Afghan Whigs don’t have hits. Their songs don’t have regular verse-chorus, verse-chorus structure. Their albums are mini noir movies, not concept albums necessarily, but concepts (love, sex, regret) strung together singularly to tell a shared story. And last night they shared their story with us. Not willing or able to rely on hits or rest on their laurels, The Afghan Whigs played a show full of songs both new and old. And the congregation devoured it. This is a band of artists. Committed to the music, the lyrics, the passion. They make new art. This tour is a tour supporting their new album so that’s from which most of the songs came from. There is no beer song or pee break. There is the music.

The show opened with a new song, “Birdland” from their latest record, In Spades. Dulli performed the song, alone, and a cappella, striding on stage like a conquering hero returning to claim his glory. The fans could feel the opening song in their bones. “It's going to be “Birdland” I commented. Several nodded in knowing approval.  The band remained focused on the new album most of the night. “Arabian Heights”, “Toy Automatic”, “Into the Floor” were all performed. And unlike bands who present new songs from a new album as a warning, a permission slip to hit the head, Dulli and gang approached them with the same ferocity as they did their classics. It's rare that he even bothers to introduce a song, other than via the opening chords. The exceptions being an extended (and completely unnecessary) and very fun introduction to the original version of Going to Town, complete with an (also unnecessary) invitation to sing along; we did, and a heartfelt dedication of “Can Rova” from Do to the Beast to late guitarist Dave Rosser who lost his battle to cancer earlier this year. It was the first time I wept, but not the last. Har Mar Superstar, the amazingly surprising opening act, joined the band on stage to sing the lead single from this album, Demon in Profile. It was a highlight. Fortunatly, HMS had put a shirt back on by this time...

“Can Rova” was not the only time the band visited their previous album Do to the Beast. “Matamoros” was an early set crowd pleaser and the albums thunderous opener “Parked Outside” served as the beginning of the epic closing encore. Again showing their dedication to making and embracing new music. 

Of course, it was the classic songs that really brought out the beast. “My Enemy”. “Debonair”. “Somethin’ Hot”. “Summer’s Kiss”. “Faded”, but we’ll get to that. The classic songs exploded from the stage every time. Dulli wasted no breath on introducing them, he saved that for screaming these songs for the thousandth time with the same passion and energy as the first time he probably sang them. And the congregation replied. Loudly. To every word, verse, nuance. Even the sniffles. “My Enemy” had the crowd screaming, “Something’ Hot” had them jumping up and down and dancing wildly, as much as you could on the packed floor and “Summer’s Kiss” had every single person remembering their youth, their first Whigs show, their first lingering summertime kiss, their first heartbreak. It was a collective experience. It always is.

The emotional tribute to late guitarist Dave Rosser before “Can Rova” added additional emotional heft to the tune. But emotional heft is what Dulli is all about. His lyrics are deep, dark, personal. Very personal. A sharp wit and a curt tongue lead the stage banter. (it wouldn’t be an Afghan Whigs show without a lecture from Dulli on flash photography) he has fun, the band has fun, clearly demonstrated by bassist John Curley’s miles of smiles and epic dance moves. But The Afghan Whigs take the art seriously. This is a performance. An event. A moment in time. To them, there is no difference between an album, a painting, a novel or a rock and roll performance. The art is what matters. Taking in the moment is important. While he lectures us on our cameras (few were even out for any length of time- a refreshing change) he also passionately pleads with us to be in the moment with the band “This is happening right now, this is happening for the first time, the last time, the only time this evening,” Greg said reminding us of the immediacy of the performance, the power of the moment.

Greg makes real connections with the fans emotionally recognizing Cincinnati as their hometown, welcoming his mom to the show along with the Curley family. He also recognized Curly’s god-like status among local music circles calling him eminence at one point.

The show weaved in and out of new and old but never felt dated, stagnant, or cold. At times I was transported back to my youth, a time when Corryville was a dimmer, darker place dotted with rock shops, head shops, record stores and rock and roll laundrymats instead of clean streets, condos, and chain restaurants. It felt modern and fresh, even the Imagine Dragons like the moment when Dulli brought a singular drum out to bang for a song felt appropriate. Even the covers sounded fresh and awesome. The Whigs have a talent and mastery of turning others people songs into their own. Tonight The Beatles Dear prudence and Bonnie Raitt’s I Can’t Make You Love Me seemed as familiar to the fans as original Whigs songs rather than classic covers.

There’s not much to say about Bogarts as a hall. It’s clean now, but the floors are still sticky and the sound blows. There’s no pitch to the floor so where you stand is what you see. Usually the back of some dude’s head. But the mix was good. Curley’s bass resonated through your chest. Patrick Keeler’s (part Dave Grohl, part Taylor Hawkins, part Stewart Copeland) drums echoed through the room. The highlight, of course, is Greg’s voice. Flavored by years of smoke, bourbon and screaming, it was in fine form tonight. A welcoming blanket of sound screeching poetry about regret, loss, love, sex and even hope.

The show ended with an encore. The congregation learned their lesson from the last time The Whigs played Bogarts and Dulli famously denied us this celebrated return to stage deeming the audience not “into it” enough and thus not worthy. The crowd stomped their feet, clapped in unison and shouted song titles at the top of their lungs until the band returned to the stage. Our reward for our loyalty. After conferring with Curly, Dulli launched into “Parked Outside”, the HEAVY opening track from 2015’s Do to the Beast. I’m sure Bogart’s has seen some heavy shows, but probably never had a heavier moment than this song. Its crunchy guitar and thunderous drums ripping through the house. “Summer’s Kiss” was next, an exhilarating moment where everyone was 17 again. And, after an incredibly reverent and amazing run through of the first verse and chorus of Bonnie Raitt’s “I Can’t Make You Love Me”, “Faded”. Many bands have their closing song. The song that puts the exclamation point on the evening and let you know it's ok to go home. You know a Guns N Roses show is over for example when All tosses his microphone deep into the crowd near the end of “Paradise City” for example. The Whigs have “Faded”, the emotional 8 plus minute closer from many fan’s favorite album Black Love. It’s the perfect album closer and translates to the perfect show closer. Slow, brooding, emotional, there's not much that can be said about this song. More tears. From me and from my friends new and old around me as we shouted the song to the roof of Bogart’s and beyond letting Dulli know we hear him, we understand him and we appreciate this art he has made.

I can appreciate that this band is something of an acquired taste, but once you taste it there is nothing sweeter. Thanks gentlemen for a truly great moment.

[seasaltmemories]

Rosea Puella: Year 8

Rating: T

Summary: He gave it a month.  A month to see if there was any room for him in that little house anymore, if Gyoku would give him the decency of disdain, if the eunuch would grow some balls and kill him like he wanted to, if the girl would ever elicit any emotion from him besides plain old fear

~

Judal paced back and forth as he waited in the backyard.

Patience had never been a virtue of his, but knowing the eunuch, he enjoyed making him wait.  Once he had processed that Judal wasn’t some ghost or other shit, he had been quick to return to the sharp-tongued snob he always was.

“What do you want?” Ka Koubun threw the words out like a knife as he cradled the child against him.

In the past, Judal might have adopted the same sharpness, maybe add in a jab just to piss him off some more.  But as he imagined how such a scenario would play out, he was overcome with exhaustion. “Just want to talk to Gyoku,” he sighed.  Honesty tasted unfamiliar on his tongue, but he swallowed it down all the same.

“You think she wants to talk to you!?”  It seemed Judal’s less snarky attitude only made him grow angrier.  “After you defiled her purity, burdened her with a child, then abandoned them both?!”

“’Course I wouldn’t be surprised if she hated my guts--” Judal groaned.  As unsure as he had been about returning, spite half-tempted him to go ahead and march right into the house as if he had only gone out for a walk.

What kept him glued right in place was the pair of wide red eyes that studied him fiercely.

“--but then why do you expect a monster to care about what others think?” He knew he was showing teeth, but he wasn’t sure if it was in a smile or a snarl.  He waited for a reaction, but they only continued to look at him in confusion and that tiredness returned full force.

“If she doesn’t want to talk to me, then I can make sure you never have to see me again.”  Judal grew dead serious.  “I’m not doing this for myself you know?  It’s for her.”

Ka Koubun wavered, eyes darting back and forth as he thought.  Then out of nowhere he shoved the child into his arms.

“If you hurt her, I’ll rip your fucking throat out.”  There was no heat to the curse, only a deadly chill.  Before Judal could react, Ka Koubun had already scrambled inside.

That was what brought him here: waiting as if this was his execution.

The child had stopped playing and simply sat quietly on the steps.  Despite having been so full of energy before, she kept to herself, fidgeting back and forth.  Every now it then she would glance over at him when she thought he wouldn’t notice.

He always did though, because he kept doing the same thing.  Ugh, why did Ka Koubun stick the brat on him?  Did he hope mere proximity would get those nonexistent paternal instincts going?  It was difficult seeing the use in letting her presence affect him before he had even made it one step back into the house.

But it was even more impossible to keep that nagging feeling in the back of his head from bugging him.

“Oi, kid!”  The child sat up straight and her face turned red, as if she had been caught with her hand in the sweets jar.

“Who are you?”  Her words were high-pitched and indistinguishable in that way all children sound identical when young, yet there was a quiet fear to them.

Judal chewed the inside of his cheek.  “An old friend of your mother’s.  What about you, kid?”

“I’m Taohua.”  Taohua, now he could remember Gyoku choosing that.  It was like her to try and make something good of a situation that had just been plain bad.  

“And that was Ka.”  Taohua pointed at the door as if she was excited to have finally drifted back into territory she knew.

“Oh don’t worry I know the old bastard.”  It only occurred to him then that he probably shouldn’t curse in front of a...two year old? four year old?  Whatever the case he quickly dismissed the concern when he considered the actual war crimes he had committed.

“He takes care of me and Mama.”

“I’m sure he does, he even took care of her when we were children.”  He had talked with kings and queens, faced down the most powerful warriors in the world, and yet somehow this was the most tense ordeal he had ever experienced.

“Are you Judal?”  From the top of his head to the very blood in his bones, he froze.  His body was still functioning, he could see her curious expression, but his brain couldn’t put the pieces together to form an actual thought.

Before his terror could show however, the eunuch popped back out of  the house with his cold smugness.  The mere air around him made Judal annoyed, which at least was better than petrified.

“Gyoku is not feeling well, so you can’t see her today.  Still she’s willing to let you stay for the week no questions asked.”

“Guess that will do.”  Judal ran a hand through his braid.  “I’m gonna wash myself up.  Tell me when it’s dinner time, eunuch.”  He traced the steps back to his old room yet was surprised when he got there and found that it had been left untouched.

With a sigh he plopped down on the sleeping mat.  Was this supposed to be when you said home, sweet, home?

~

He didn’t get to see Gyoku that evening.  When the eunuch called him for dinner, it was only the kid and him sitting at the table.

“Gyoku’s feeling unwell,” was the only explanation that he would give.  As simple and logical as it was, his defensiveness made Judal suspicious.  When the same excuse was parroted the following morning, it became impossible to contain his restlessness.

“If she didn’t want to see me then why didn’t she just say so?  Didn’t have to fake the fucking plague.”

Ka Koubun flinched before his scowl grew even deeper.  “Then why don’t you try making her feel better?  You’re obviously successful at that aren’t you?”

He had prepared another insult before he had even finished processing the eunuch’s, but as he readied to cast it like a spell, he was struck by the pettiness of it all. It wasn’t as if respectability ever meant much to him, but god were they old.  The little vanity he still held had to admit it hardly looked any good on them.

“Have you taken her breakfast yet?”  Without thinking, Judal scraped his leftovers onto a clean plate.  “Might as well be useful if I’m annoying.”

His bluster managed to carry him out, but as he approached Gyoku’s room, his sails began to lose their wind.  So far Xiaoshi had been completely predictable.  The eunuch was a pain in the ass, and the kid was terrifying in her normalcy.  But there was no predicting what Gyoku would be like.  Back at Rakushou she had been uncertain yet blindingly determined.  If someone had told him she would later become a simple farmer in the middle of absolutely nowhere, he would have laughed in their faces.  Yet could she have changed even more drastically since then?  And even if she hadn’t, did she only want him around so she could work up the strength to tear him limb from limb?

Judal shook his head.  Questions were useless if you weren’t willing to face their answers.  Before he could lose his nerve, Judal knocked on her door.

“Come in,” A quiet voice wisped.  And so Judal took a deep breath and did as he was ordered to.

He didn’t know what he was expecting when he entered, but it hadn’t been for the sight to be so familiar.  Her room still managed to be somehow bare yet disorganized and cluttered.  In the middle of the mess laid Gyoku on her sleeping mat.

“Judal...”  As she sat up, her blanket fell back to reveal some things had changed.  There was a round softness to her body after having to bear the weight of a child.  He didn’t know why he focused on that.  Maybe so he didn’t have to look her in the eye.

“Yeah it’s me...”  He ran a hand through his braid.  “Did the eunuch not deliver the news?”

Silence suffocated the room.  He must have lost his tolerance for pain because for some reason he thought looking at her might make things easier.  Bad decision.  That sad, soft pink managed to hook its talons into his heart and refused to let him look away once their gazes met.    

It probably wasn’t the best decision, but if he couldn’t look away he wanted to at least see less of her.  He approached her without speaking, until they were face to face.  Striking distance, idly he thought.  But Gyoku just continued to stare and stare at him, as if she had forgotten how to do anything but that.

“Your hair’s a rat’s mess.”  Probably not the best comment to make, but it helped him break eye contact and focus on her unruly tangles.  “Do you want me to do something about that?”

He waited for an answer but wasn’t surprised when nothing came.  Still he needed some sort of motion to break up his restless energy, so he grabbed her comb and sat next to her all the same.

Tentatively he brushed it through her locks.  

“Ouch!”

“Sorry,”  From this angle she couldn’t see him, but he ducked his head all the same.  “I’ll be more gentle.”  Slowly he pulled apart a nasty knot with his hands.  After years of keeping his hair neat and presentable, maybe even he could do more than mess this up.

“I’ve done a lot of traveling lately.”  The irony didn’t escape him, but those words seemed less crude than the full truth.  “You should see Balbadd now, can barely recognize the place anymore.”  It wasn’t like him to chatter away, but it was something to fill the room with.  The lesser of two evils.

“Your old fiance managed to turn into a somewhat respectable king.  Has two little pups with the Fanalis bitch that used to trail behind him.  Might be cute if the perfection of it all wasn’t so sickening.”  He rambled on like that--telling all he knew of their old friends and foes, of the weird mishaps he got into on the road.  He wasn’t sure if she was even listening to it all, but he told those stories for himself first and foremost.

He didn’t mention his third and final trip to a destroyed village that had never been his home.

When he was finished with her hair, he got up to leave, but before he could take even a single step, Gyoku grabbed his hand.

“Judal...”  She drew in a deep breath, as if it was taking all her effort to mutter those two syllables.  “...I don’t forgive you.”

Even without the influence of magic, her words still felt as cold as Vinea’s iciest of waters.  “What reason should you?”  He tried to brush her words off, but he was sure if he looked at her again this time he would never be able to move again.  Time to be serious for once in his life.

“Look, I don’t care to pretend I’m redeemed or any of that bullshit.  Just want to take responsibility for the mess I made for you.  Do you want my help?”

He waited for an answer once more, and it seemed even less likely to come.  Maybe that is how she would enact her revenge--leave him waiting here until he withered away into nothing but dust and bone.  And through it all she’d probably stare without blinking once.

But if that was her plan, she must have decided to save it for later, because eventually Gyoku spoke.

“You can stay.”  It wasn’t a complete yes, but it definitely wasn’t a no.

Maybe that was the best they could do for now.

~

Life in Xiaoshi proceeded from then on, but something about it never felt real.

For one thing, the following day Gyoku was up and running chores.  The fact that no one commented that she had been cocooned in a pile of blankets for the past few days would have stood out to him, but soon that observation was eclipsed by an even greater one.

Nobody seemed to react to his presence either.

It wasn’t as if he was a ghost, he was given chores to do and acknowledged and spoken to (although glaringly Ka Koubun never left him alone with the child after that first morning).  No it was more subtle than that.  They treated him as if he had never left, as if three years hadn’t passed between them.

Well that wasn’t true either.  Gyoku didn’t seek him out at night nor scream his name in a fit or whisper it like a love-song.  It was back to before they had even knew Xiaoshi existed--when the demon child and whore’s daughter had grown up and were trying to be Kou’s sacred oracle and precious 8th princess.  Back then he had welcomed the change, had probably been the first to temper their relationship into something cold and professional in search of people like Hakuryuu.  He hadn't needed a sad, lonely girl, just someone who could offer him the power to free himself and burn down the system that had so mistreated him.  But here in the middle of nowhere, he couldn’t take Gyoku’s bland greeting and neutral stares.

Tell me how I hurt you.  Cry, rage, just don’t act as if I mean nothing to you.

He didn’t know he had cared when during those early Xiaoshi years she had been the one chasing after him.  Maybe it was his ego.  A monster liked to know they were still feared.  And oh he hadn’t felt like one in such a long time.  On the road you’re just another face.  He had never experienced anonymity before.  It was so freeing it made his head spin, and he had thought there would be no greater joy than to die in a forgotten grave.

But then Balbadd had changed everything.  It’s funny, that was where he had first remembered Gyoku existed since becoming oracle.  In the same streets where she had saved his life, he saw dear old idiot Alibaba wave around his newborn daughter for the world to see.  He had been just another face in the crowd, probably wasn’t even noticed by him, yet something about the parade seemed to scream, “Isn’t there some place you belong?”  Call it whatever you like, the voice of the rukh or delayed guilt, but those words had stuck with him even after he had left town.  Without much thought he followed their call until it took him back to Xiaoshi.

But what was the point in sticking around if that wasn’t the case?

He gave it a month.  A month to see if there was any room for him in that little house anymore, if Gyoku would give him the decency of disdain, if the eunuch would grow some balls and kill him like he wanted to, if the girl would ever elicit any emotion from him besides plain old fear.

Things didn’t change.  So that morning he packed his stuff and left.

He didn’t even make it out the backyard before Gyoku was screaming her banshee scream and chasing after him.

“Bastard!”  He had barely any time to process the insult before she tackled him face first in the snow.  “You don’t get to just show up again and then pull the same shit!” She shoved his head further into the ground, her grip against his scalp so tight he wondered if her nails would draw blood.

Hmm, maybe it would be her instead that killed him.  It was a dangerous thing to do, yet he couldn’t help but laugh at the thought.

Gyoku’s confusion at his reaction gave him enough breath to choke out a few words.

“Nice to be in your thoughts so early in the morning, princess.”

She grew still at that.  From the sound of footsteps, he gather that their kerfuffle must have awaken the others.  He counted his breaths quietly and once he reached ten, Gyoku got off him and helped him up.

A sarcastic grin tugged at his lips.  There was that endearing softness she had never grown out of.  Even in her worst rages, she had always been too good to completely lose control.

The smirk got knocked off his face when her right hook sent him back sprawling against the ground.

“You don’t get to joke at a time like this. You don’t get to call me, 'princess.'  And you certainly don’t get to leave right after I got used to having you around.”  There was Vinea’s ice again.  No, if she could summon it twice, then it must be her own now.  Still this time the chill didn’t last because slowly tears melted against her eyelashes.  “You don’t get to live in our doorway, half-in, half-out.   If you’re going to go then you must leave for good.  I told myself I wasn’t going to depend on you anymore.”

It’s funny, that those tears brought him so much relief.  At the same time he wanted to wipe them away so bad, yet he knew that would probably earn him another punch.  In a sorta compromise, he played with the fabric of her sleeping robe.

“Was just taking a morning walk.”

“Liar,”  There was no venom in her voice, just truth.  “Make your decision now, but I have a family to look after.”  She lacked the fine silks of her old life, yet she had never looked so regal before, baby fat and all.

As if he was the eunuch himself, Judal couldn’t help but stand up and trail three steps behind her back to the house.

~

As they moved into spring, they slowly but surely reached a sort of homeostasis.  For the most part they went through life in the same quiet manner.  There were no more beat-downs, no more solitary walks, just preparing the fields and getting through another domestic day.  Still now Gyoku and him had landed somewhere between the distance and closeness they had oscillated between.  Some days they would simply live and work beside each other nothing more, but the barrier didn’t feel so forced because she was just as likely to spend an evening with him playing card games and chatting about nonsense.  It was strange and unfamiliar, but not unwelcome.

“You have such an obvious tell.  When you twirl your braid around your finger like that, I just know I have you!”

“Like you’re much better.  Your poker face is so weak I’m sure a blind man could read it”

“You know those first few weeks what I missed the most about you was the sex.”

“Eh it was only a distraction for me.  Haven’t fucked anyone else you know.”

“Hey don’t think I don’t see you sneaking that card under the table!”

“As if I don’t see the way you scrape your nails against each card before choosing one.  You have your tricks and I have mine.”

“I think what hurt the most about you leaving was the embarrassment of it all.  I thought you would change and then you left me at my weakest.”

“I had thought I had changed too.  But I guess I’m my most evil when I’m at my weakest.”

“King’s Court, I win!”

“Bullshit!”

They didn’t have their old post coitus heart to hearts anymore, never even touched each other anymore.  He could only pick up those blunt truths when she deemed to drop them.  Gyoku had changed.  There was still that same bluster to try and do things right, act as if she was perfectly fine, but it no longer felt so desperate and pleading.  She tried to move the stars for no one’s benefit but her own and she would do it whether he liked it or not.

It wasn’t what the selfish beast inside of him wanted, for her to be the pitiful, predictable princess of yesteryears, worried about upsetting him.  But more of him could work with it.

Farmwork begun up again, and as they worked side by side, they truly felt like equals for the first time since they had been children.  Maybe he had caught her discarded nostalgia, but he didn’t think it hurt too much to savor it when he could.

You can’t hold onto to anger forever.

~

In another world, it would have been enough.  Even if Ka Koubun hated him for the rest of time, navigating a normal life within an abnormal household would have been a fine enough purgatory to land in.  Hell, for all the crimes he had committed, it would be a far better fate than he deserved.  There was just one mistake holding him back from his content ending.  The girl.

He hadn’t been able to avoid her, as much as it seemed to annoy the eunuch, but to say he had really spent time with her was an exaggeration.  They existed in similar spaces together.  She would mutter quiet “thank you’s” whenever he passed her food during dinner and he’d return a gruff “you’re welcome” as he searched for somewhere else to look besides her face.  In theory she knew his name, but despite her question back during that snowy first meeting, he didn’t know what it meant to her.  If she saw him as either a terrible demon or a returned god, she didn’t show it. He wasn’t sure he wanted to be either of those things, but the fact she already had some preconceived notion of him before he even appeared before her eyes wore on his nerves.

He tried asking Gyoku about it once.  It was most likely that she had been the one to bring him up to Taohua in the first place.  However, she had skirted the issue with a less than subtle hand.

“You could always talk to her about it.”

“You think a child would be better at explaining things than you are?”

“Maybe not about about everything, but Taohua would know herself the best.  It shouldn’t be hard to get her talking, she’s a chatter-box,”  Her robe slipped off her shoulder as she wiped the sweat from her brow.  He stole a few glances at the scrap of peach skin before going back to work.  The summer sun was hot.  He didn’t need Gyoku getting self-conscious and wrapping herself up in a bundle of layers. That would only make the work take a lot longer, he told himself.

“It’s your decision to claim her or not, but I will not lie to her about her parentage.”  Gyoku’s response was so unexpected, he almost missed it.  “My father was just a name.  I wanted to give Taohua more than that.  I thought you would feel the same.”

Decades old jealousy stirs at her words.  Even a name was more than he had.  Al-Thamen had deemed things like a heritage and family to be ill-suited for a tool.  Hell, even his own name had only been chosen to erase any trace his parents might have left on him.  It would take an unusual amount of cruelty even for him to wish that fate on anyone.

Still he didn’t know if his presence would be much better.  Even without a father, the girl had two parents in Gyoku and the eunuch.  Were they perfect, of course not--years living with them had exposed all their deepest darkest flaws.  But they loved her, and that was a gift Judal doubted any of the three of them had ever had.

He wasn’t sure if he could love her though--or if his love would bring anything but disaster.  Just look at how it had ruined Gyoku.  He thought that he would try to make due with the current status quo.  He’d let those red eyes haunt him in exchange for a roof over his head and something like forgiveness.

But then something in the rukh shifted.

Even after losing his command over them, Judal had never lost his ability to see the rukh.  It had been a cruel joke, salt on a wound that refused to heal, but slowly he had learned to live with it.  Even if their sight sometimes gave him phantom pains in limbs he hadn’t technically lost, he got better at managing the aches.  It had been his only option between that or letting the loss consume him, and well somehow he was still here.  One of Xiaoshi’s few blessings was that its rukh were quiet and listless.  They were rarely ever riled up, so it was easy enough for him to let them fade into the background.

But as he was returning to the house after a full-day’s work, he saw the rukh fly and race like he hadn’t seen in years.  Without thinking, he followed them, frantic and half-wild.  

Their trail ended in Taohua’s room, where she sat playing with her dolls.  She looked up at him, completely confused as if she hadn’t just put together a spell that was only one or two rukh combinations away from freezing the entire house.

“What--” Judal took a deep breath.  “--the actual fuck!”

The girl looked as if she was about to cry.  With her concentration thoroughly broken, the spell fell apart into harmless individual rukh.  Relief flooded his veins, but before he could enjoy it fully, a new problem was upon him.

“Ka!”  The girl pushed past him.  When Judal turned around he found the eunuch cradling her against his legs as he brandished a kitchen knife.

“What are you doing?” His words were just as sharp as the weapon in his hand.

“What are you doing pointing that thing at me?”  After the years of contempt and disdain Judal had suffered from him, his tolerance was worn raw.

“You’re the one I found in an upset child’s room. You do the explaining.”

“God, what delusion did you come up with?  That I’d try to eat her or something?”

“I’m gonna give you until the count of three. One--”

“Oh for fuck’s sake!”

“Two--”

“She was using magic, goddamnit!”  Judal gripped Ka Koubun’s shoulders.  “Does your pea-sized brain have any idea of what that means?”

After all his big talk, he seemed to forgot all about the knife in his hand.  Bewildered golden brown eyes stared into red. “What?  But she’s so young?  Were you teaching--”

“If I was teaching her, then why would I be so surprised?”  Slowly Judal let go of him.  The wheels in his head were spinning at top speeds.  If he’s going to be able to convince him of the necessary action they must take, he must appear calm.

Now free, the eunuch was preoccupying himself with the child.  “Taohua, what were you doing?” He stroked her head in a comforting manner, but Judal couldn’t tell who it was supposed to comfort.

“Playing,” She muttered, still twirling the doll in her hands.

“What were you thinking about?”

“Kazue needed a new dress--”  She wouldn’t look him in the eye.  “--and I was hot.”

The eunuch closed his eyes and sighed.  He seemed just as pissed as before, but thankfully he put the knife away and turned to address Judal.

“Is she a magi?  Like you?”  

“Don’t know,”  Judal shrugged.  He racked his brain for any information Al-Thamen had gathered about the children of magi.  It had always been a rare occasion, but in theory there were only supposed to be three of them at a time in the world.  You couldn’t just breed an army of them.  Still the brat magi had messed things up and bumped the number up to four.  No reason the rules couldn’t be broken again.  Besides maybe since he lost his magic, he was dead to the rukh.  “What I do know is that she needs training.”

The eunuch stiffened.  “I will not let her be made a weapon.”

“Do you think I want her to have to suffer what I went through?!”  Judal was holding his temper in check by the skin of his teeth.  The only thing that was keeping him from fully exploding was the fact that doing so would hurt more people than just the eunuch.

And he was so tired of innocents getting caught in the crossfire.

“Look, I can teach her the basics of the rukh, what it feels like to channel them and how to properly guide their course.  It’s better she knows what she is capable of so she can control it.” Judal clenched his fists.  “So she doesn’t become me.”

Ka Koubun studied him with those distrustful eyes.  But before he could speak, Taohua waddled over to Judal.

“You see the butterflies too?”

By the end of the month, they fell into a routine.  Once a week, Judal would sit down with Taohua to teach her a different aspect of the rukh.  In theory the lessons were only supposed to be theoretical, but sometimes he would slip in a spell or two when no one else was around--like how to ease the pain of a bruise or produce a light.   Such a move might make the eunuch pull out the knife on him again, but he had a rational reason for once in his lifetime.

It gave him a chance to observe the child and see what she would do with the material she was given.  If when given power her baby fat and pudgy hands would melt away to reveal a monster beyond imagination.

And as autumn fell, he pulled together all the information he had gathered, and judged.

The child was perfectly normal.  Sweet and energetic, but flighty and stubborn at times.  She really did chatter away any spare moments of silence she came across as Gyoku said.  She didn’t like being told what to do, but hated to see others upset.  She loved to use ice magic, just like him when he was younger, and laughed and laughed and laughed without a single ounce of shame.

And with every smile of hers, a bit of the fear faded away.

~

Judal was just getting used to things when Gyoku had another episode.

The eunuch and child didn’t seem at all surprised by it, going about their routine as usual, but for Judal all the regrets and worries of winter returned full-force.

Your presence is a poison.  Go before the child catches it.  It doesn’t matter how much you try to change, you will always be a monster.

But for some reason he didn’t run, and the next day Gyoku came out after lunch to sit next to him and bask in the sunlight.  They didn’t speak for a long time, just watched the day pass by in one peaceful breath and out the next.  Despite the pleasant atmosphere, dark clouds in the distant signaled that a cold front was on its way.  While such weather was normal around this time of year, it still unnerved him all the same.

Will you still be tolerated after they are forced to see the real you?

“Will you comb my hair?”  Gyoku’s words were such a surprise, Judal did a double-take to make sure he wasn’t imagining them.  While her gaze was trained firmly on the horizon, there was a certain tautness to her shoulders that seemed to demand she be acknowledged.  “I’m so tired...but you always look so good no matter what.  I figured you would do a better job than me.”

Judal took a deep breath.  “Sure, no problem.”

Carefully he brushed through her red locks.  He was almost certain he’d end up pulling too hard at some point, perhaps accidentally rip out a chunk of hair, but as they fell into a rhythm, Gyoku gave a content sigh.

Perhaps she is lying and--

“I thought I was doing so good--”  Gyoku’s voice brought him back down to the real world.  “--but I guess the cold always brings the voices out.”

“I didn’t know what I would find when I returned.”  Judal spoke slowly, feeling around for the right response.  “In the back of my mind I always wondered if you might give up on living.”  He was glad she hadn’t, but such affection felt dangerous in this no-man’s land they cohabited.

“Oh I thought about it a lot--”  Gyoku gave a sad laugh, “--but funny enough it was you who kept me going.”

Judal held his breath as he waited.  For what, he couldn’t say: maybe another verbal slap across the face, another cruel damnation.  But what followed instead was much more tender.

“I had this dream about you a few years ago,”  Like a nervous child, Gyoku fiddled with the fabric of her robe.  “The peach trees were in bloom, and we just sat under them--together.  Sometimes neither of us said a word, and sometimes I would yell horrible things at you, but you were silent most of the time.”

Judal’s grip on the comb grew tighter.  Somehow this was a crueler choice.  Self-flagellation was becoming his bread and butter, but if she was going where she seemed to be...

“Dreams are just dreams,” Judal muttered.

“Maybe, but in the last one, you told me that if I wanted happiness, I should go ahead and just grab it.”  A light blush dusted her cheeks.  “Even if it was just a figment of my imagination...it really meant a lot to me.”

Judal screwed his mouth shut.  He didn’t trust his tongue at the moment.  It was a stupid, sentimental creature that would only hurt her more in the long run.

“I remember those dreams as well...”

“Done with your hair,” Is what he said instead.

Gyoku turned around to look him in the eye.  The fading sunlight gave her a gentle elegance.  She looked nothing like her past self--all done up in elaborate hairstyles and fine silks.  Still with the way she let her long hair flow freely past her shoulders, she looked more mature and at peace with herself than ever before.

“I’ve told you this before, but I will say it again: I promised to never depend on you again.  I don’t want to tie my happiness to someone who has hurt me.  Still--”  She looked up at him through soft eyelashes.  “--have you ever considered starting over?  Trying things out again?”

“I always thought I would be dead by now.”  Judal blurted out.  It was a non-answer, but when had they found the time to grow up?  He wasn’t used to second chances.  Wasn’t used to imagining a future for himself that didn’t end with him alone and dead in a ditch.

He should have remembered he was a monster.  He should have ran right then and there and forgotten everything about Xiaoshi.  Instead he grabbed her hands in his and brought them to his chest.

“Is this what you were thinking of?”  He waited for her disapproval, that his hands were too rough, his grip was too tight.  But Gyoku only smiled at him sweetly.  

“It’s just what I wanted.”

A.N.  Another year wait between chapters, I guess I pulled a Judal, I feel I’ve grown and changed as much as the characters have so it took a while to fall back into them (especially to find Judal’s voice again after how long it had been) but I hope to have finally brought some catharsis

[rhysgfrelsa-eudyptula]

Gundam Wing fanfiction AU with a bit of GI Joe influence (blame BHG she a*muse*d me into it. XD) Pairings: 1x2 (eventually), 3x4 (sorry old hat but can't do better this story), 5x6 (eventually) Rating: explicit (cussing, eventual yaoi lemons, guns, tanks, 'splodeys.... Don't try this at home kids it ain't pretty.) Chapter 1: Cobra Commander Plays “Capture The Tanks” Heero and the other GI-Gundams with him bounced along the sands of the Arabian desert in their two Leo Humvees, the two Trago tanks and one Vayeate tank taking longer to get to their destination. Heero wondered about the Intel, not sure how reliable this “Wizard of OZ” was. When they were close to their coordinates, the Leos stopped just behind some dunes that hid them quite well. Heero and the others get out, Heero belly crawling nearly to the top of the dune and looked towards their target. /Targets appear unaware./ Wing Zero informs in a metallic, monotonous voice through the tiny speaker embedded into his right ear canal. “Prime target status?” Heero inquires. /Unknown, stand by./ Wing Zero replies. Flash, clad as per usual in black light body armor over their usual blue with white (silver) trim bodysuits, belly crawls up next to Heero. “Any word?” “Negative. Awaiting confirmation.” Heero states. “Status of the Tragos and Vayeate?” “Ten klicks south of us, sir.” Breaker says after belly crawling up to the other side of Flash, the comms system on his back making him look like a square shelled tortoise, it was wired into his helmet which had a mouthpiece hanging near the right corner of his mouth, over his blue and white (silver) bodysuit. /Target acquired. Cobra Commander confirmed. Ten yards Northwest of your current coordinates./ Wing Zero announces in his ear. Heero swings his binoculars over, and as Wing Zero said, plain as day, stood the Cobra Commander with Storm Shadow at his right side…. The two as different as night and day. Cobra Commander was clad in a skin tight black body suit with a face concealing black hood, the Cobra emblem was emblazoned in bright blood red on the hood and on the left pectoral of the bodysuit, and obviously armed to the teeth with thigh holsters, back holsters and hip holsters carrying a small variety of guns and knives of varying sizes. Heero was willing to bet that the knee high shitkicker boots also concealed knives if not small pistols. Storm Shadow, on the other hand, was clad in a resplendent white body suit and a half mask covering his face from the bridge of his nose down and a close fitting hood. Storm Shadow was more obviously armed to the teeth, possibly because the black weaponry stood out more on the white than Cobra Commander's did. Not to mention the rather noticeable katana strapped to Storm Shadow's back. Heero couldn't tell which one stood out the most... they stood out spectacularly on the light tan sands of the desert. Meanwhile on Cobra's side of the oil field... /Enemy Leos in position ten yards southeast of you, two of them. And two Tragos and one Vayeate approaching from the same direction about ten klicks from our location. Recommended action, disable or destroy. For best results, those sticky bombs, smoke bombs and grenades that you stashed away. A game of “capture the tanks” would give us a bargaining tool to keep those Global Idiots of Gundam safe and keep those asshole scientists at bay./ Deathscythe informs Cobra Commander through the tiny speaker embedded into Cobra Commander's left ear, though he could have used the one in the right also. “Ez şa me, ku tu ji min re da baş dizanin, hevalekî kevn min ên hezkirî im.”1 Cobra Commander says, keeping his voice as low as he can. “Did you say something?” Storm Shadow asks, turning towards him, onyx eyes examining him like an entomologist examines some super rare species of dragonfly pinned to a pinning board. Cobra Commander suspected that the Chinese man was not as he seemed. He knew the man was Chinese from the look of his almond shaped eyes and also from the formal Mandarin and swearing in Taiwanese or Vietnamese he had caught the man doing every now and then. No proper Chinese would dare swear in Mandarin, it just wasn't done. Cobra Commander had his suspicions because everything the man did made his own instincts scream “cop” and “law enforcement”. As such, Cobra Commander didn't confide nearly as much in the man as any person would to their right hand man. When you can't trust those truly in charge, it was severely bothersome not to be able to trust his right hand man. “Just talking to myself, busy mind and all that.” Cobra Commander replies airily, waving Storm Shadow off with his hand in a negligent manner. “You keep these idiot grunts working as long as you can. I need to go elsewhere.” Storm Shadow looked at him askance. “Don't give me that look. Do as you are told, unless you want to find out personally what I do to those who question my orders and my decisions.” Cobra Commander states irritably. Storm Shadow shrugs one shoulder and looks away from Cobra Commander. Cobra Commander was tempted to slap him on the back of his head... tempted, but he had things to do... namely disabling tanks, before they could turn things into a FUBAR day. Cobra Commander then made his way to one of the supply trucks, the one that still had it's ramp conveniently attached. He had ordered it that way in case they should have company... of the irritating kind. When he entered he walked along one of the walls near the rear door, looking for the sticky bombs, smoke bombs and grenades that he had stashed. Sure enough, they were all right where he had stashed them, between the chains marked “CHA” and the oscillators marked “OS”... Cobra Commander smirked to himself at the inside joke. Chaos should have been his middle name. Duo Chaos Maxwell... it had a nice ring to it. He chuckled at his own joke and placed six sticky bombs, four smoke bombs, and a couple grenades into the small saddlebags that he had installed on the tail of the motorcycle that was also sitting in the truck. He had only allowed his own personnel load the motorcycle into the truck, Yazidi people whom he called family, about three currently with him, four others he had forbidden to ever accompany him, not counting the young-ins. He knew women were capable, but he respected them and wanted to keep them safe. The motorcycle itself had been loaded in, despite the odd looks it received, just because the other Cobras weren't smart enough to be inventive or able to figure out ways to deal with things, doesn't mean he wasn't or couldn't. He knew he'd need something small, fast and open to him being able to reach things from the vehicle, a motorcycle was a perfect tool. This motorcycle however, was more than just a motorcycle, it was a gorgeous black and green Kawasaki Ninja H2R, considered the most mental of all super bikes, it was not pretty. It possessed a deadly beauty that no other bike could match. It was the masterpiece of Kawasaki, in Cobra Commander's opinion. If Lamborghini had a Japanese bike building cousin, Kawasaki would be it. The H2R looked aggressive, like it wanted to tear you limb from limb... and kick your ass with a steel toed boot. Cobra Commander lovingly strokes his fingers along the top of the H2R. It was lean, mean and deadly, like himself. It was said that no mere mortal could handle it, such was especially true about this particular bike. /Good thing I am Shinigami, not any mere mortal./ Cobra Commander thinks. If motorcycles were angels, the H2R would be Lucifer, on his way to hell. Which was why he named it after the most famous fallen angel, though nicknamed it Lu. It was one of his pride and joys, having built and tweaked it by hand from scratch from the tires up. And like the H2R from Kawasaki, he didn't even bother trying to make it street legal. He had built it to the same exacting specifications as Kawasaki did... plus some tweaks here and there that made it even meaner than Kawasaki's version. Considering the nine hundred thousand US dollar price tag, he had decided that building the thing himself would be a much better option than buying one and tweaking it. Once he was done with the tanks, Lu would then be loaded into his personal helicopter.... he never left any of his babies behind, much to the irritation of the scientists, not that he really cared what the old troglodyte codgers thought of him. When he wanted to get the job done, the job got done. It wasn't his fault if their visions of world domination were idiotic at best to him. He had his own plans to accomplish. He straddled the H2R, pulling off the glove on his left hand to place his hand on the touch pad just above the gas tank, one quick scan later and Lu snarled to a start and then purred beneath him. He put his glove back on and revved the beast. Lu snarled and trilled, giving a buck as if eager to be off and running, this gave him a stab of pride in his heart, his bike was as wild as he, himself was. Cobra Commander had a Shinigami smile as he disengaged the kickstand and gave Lu some throttle... the H2R lurched like a nightmarish version of a racehorse at the opening of the starting gate, giving him the sensation of flying. He roared out of the supply truck, the few Cobra grunts nearby shuddered in fear as Cobra Commander's wild laughter made them think of the bony fingers of death reaching for them or the feeling of someone walking on their graves. He rode out, taking a longer more roundabout route before turning Lu to aim where the tanks were expected to be, becoming a black comet racing over the surface of the desert sands. /Anomaly detected. Cobra Commander appears to be on his way to the tanks... he is approaching 200 miles per hour./ Wing Zero alerts Heero. “K'so.” Heero spits out. “Something wrong, Sir?” Flash asks/ “What do you know can get up to around 200 miles and hour in less than ten minutes?” Heero asks. “Unless he has a rocket strapped to his ass, I'd say a really fast motorcycle on a suicide run.” Barricade speaks up from where he was leaning against one of the Leos. “Warn the tanks.” Heero orders. “Too late.” Breaker says as he starts hearing the tanks broadcast a general 'What the fuck is that?' over the radio. Heero wanted to wait for the tanks, they would be a turning point, he knew. “What do we do?” Ban'zai asks from the second Leo. “We wait.” Heero says grimly. /That is Wufei's opinion as well, he doesn't know what Cobra Commander is up to, he was simply told to keep the grunts working. Nataku relayed his opinion./ Wing Zero says. The roar of Lu's engine and the whine of it's supercharger would have been all the warning the tanks would have received, had they been able to hear it, before pulling an all stop and nearly making themselves dizzy spinning their turrets to try to catch a glimpse of the black, angry comet that was now bedeviling them. “Flint, you got visuals?” Steeler, one of the Trago commanders asks the other Trago commander through their coms. “Other than what had looked like some kind of wicked, angry, black comet? No. Thunderwing?” Flint replies and adds a question in to the Vayeate commander. Thunderwing snorts, “Are you kidding? I'd have an easier time playing prairie dog just to spot this devil.” Cobra Commander couldn't help himself, really... it was too damned funny, watching the turrets spin round and round so fast as he lapped them laughing gleefully. But he had to get this done, he grabbed the first sticky bomb from the saddlebags and slowed his speed as he turned to one of the Tragos, popping the seal for the sticky bomb, it's protective metal casing dropping to the sands as he moved in to reveal the gluey, sticky softball sized explosive that was it's name. He was lucky that the tanks had stopped while trying to figure out what he was, he slowed down to nearly a crawl as soon as he was on the right side of the farthest Trago. He opted to stick the bomb onto the top of the track rather than throw it before the gunned the H2R's throttle and raced away. He made a wide circle as he pulled another sticky bomb from the saddlebags. The first bomb goes off with a bright white flash, the bang sound as if a hakkotsu thunder b grenade had gone off a mere five feet away from his head and a puff of dark grey smoke that seemed to pelt twisted and shattered track onto the sands like a bad parody of rain. He starts forward again, this time aiming for the second Trago. “Goddammit, I'm hit but with what? Who or what is this damned thing?” Steeler yells and growls. “I can't tell, it hit your other side.” Flint replies. “Most likely it is Cobra Commander and probably on a motorcycle if his speed was any indication.” Breaker tells them over the radio. “Sonofabitch.” Steeler growls. The black comet slows once again as it gets in between the two Tragos, zipping away with a snarl and a trill leaving another sticky bomb on the second Trago's right side track. As he made the wide turn, the bomb went off, another bright white flash, loud bang, puff of smoke but with the added sound of the resultant shrapnel pinging and clanging as it pelted the side of the first Trago as well. “Damn this son of a bitch.” Flint growls. “That little demon got your tracks.” Steeler says with a growl. “Which means he probably already hit your tracks.” Flint responds, fuming. While they were busy talking, Cobra Commander was busier. He turned towards his last victim, the Vayeate and smirks under his hood and mask as he grabbed two sticky bombs from his saddlebags, popping the metal casings off of them, slowing as he got to the Vayeate's left side. “That means he's after mine now!” Thunderwing growls, giving the orders to move the Vayeate. Indeed he was... but even as the Vayeate started to lurch forward, the two bombs were already stuck on the larger Vayeate's track, and Cobra Commander had already moved over to about one hundred feet behind the second Trago he had hit, the middle one. He pulled out three handmade M-18 smoke bombs and a hand grenade from the saddlebags and started to juggle them. The two sticky bombs explode, almost at the same time, the double flash was nearly enough to blind Cobra Commander, the double bang was almost loud enough to make his ears ring, almost. But the sound of twisted and broken tracks pelting the sands made him chuckle, even as the Vayeate tried to move forward. The slack in the track made it lurch and it stopped immediately. “Where the fuck is he?” Thunderwing hollers as the double bang reverberated in the Vayeate. “I'm gonna rip his arms off and beat him with it! I'm gonna strip his hide off in strips!” Thunderwing continues to rant and rave. “Easy now, Thunderwing, it's only one guy.” Steeler surprisingly tries to soothe. “Dude, even I know not to even dare look at much less touch Thunderwing's baby.” Flint replies. “WHERE IS HE?!?” Thunderwing roars. Cobra Commander pulls the pin from the hand grenade and while still juggling the smoke bombs one handed, chucks the hand grenade at the middle Trago, it lands on top of the turret and Cobra Commander goes back to juggling the smoke bombs. The resultant blast actually does make his ears ring this time, but he doesn't stop grinning from ear to ear, not that anyone could see his maniacal cheshire cat grin. “He's got to be nearby.” Flint says rather loudly as the grenade actually made his own ears ring. “On the count of three, we pop our heads up and see if we can spot him” Steeler says. “One” Thunderwing growls. “Two” Flint says, still a little too loudly. “Three” Steeler says. They all pop their heads out of the top at the same time.... only to see something drop into each of the tanks, one by one as Cobra Commander pulls the pins and chucks the smoke bombs right down each hatch. “What the fuck you little shit! I'm going to kill you!” Thunderwing roars as purple smoke starts filling each tank and billowing out the top. Unable to breathe in the smoke, all four from each tank have no choice but to rush out. As they rush out, Steeler, Flint and Thunderwing try to find Cobra Commander. The sound of a gun being cocked startled all of them. Thunderwing found himself the recipient of the muzzle of a SIG SUAER Legion pressed to his left temple. An arm wrapped around his neck, making him bend a little to accommodate the surprisingly shorter Cobra Commander. “You sonofabitch I'm gonna kill you.” Thunderwing growls. “How are you gonna do that? I'm not the one with a gun pressed to my head now am I? As for the rest of you.... disarm yourselves, just toss them near my lovely bike... hurt the bike and I'll shoot a body part.” Cobra Commander orders. They all do as he says, not without some nearly disasterous moves but when Cobra Commander's finger tightened just a fraction on the trigger, they thought twice. Once everyone was disarmed, Thunderwing included, Cobra Commander moved his head in a way to indicate movement from them. “Good, now go over there behind that first Trago, about one hundred feet and sit down all nice and slow like and put your hands on your heads.” Cobra Commander says. “You won't get away with this, bad guys never do.” The driver of the Vayeate growls. “Good, Bad, I'm the one with the gun.” Cobra Commander simply says, ironically quoting Ash from the Evil Dead series. /The tank haulers and personnel are on their way, they should be here in about ten minutes./ Deathscythe informs Cobra Commander. “While we wait for some more playmates, who's up for a round of Kumbaya?” Cobra Commander suggests cheerfully as he swings Thunderwing around and lets him go, making the guy stumble into the rest of the group. He pulls out another SIG SAUER Legion and cocks it. “Just so you know... they are set to PewPewPew. Which means I can shoot as many bullets with one squeeze as are loaded into the mag. Don't tempt me.” Cobra Commander warns, he keeps at least one gun trained on them as he straddles the H2R and turns it to face them. He leans on the handlebars and points both guns at them in an almost careless fashion. The group of 9 men glares at Cobra Commander who sighs. “Which way would you want to do this then?” He asks irritably. “You get to keep your lives but lose the tanks or you get to lose your lives and still lose the tanks. Your choice. I surprisingly prefer to let you all live and just take the big toys away from you. Don’t let your foolish pride make me do something I would surprisingly rather not do. Hell, I even offered to sing Kumbaya with you all. I hate that song. I prefer Five Finger Death Punch or Bring Me The Horizon or Disturbed… not some stupid campfire classic that no one likes.” Cobra Commander rants. “Why do you care anyway? Aren’t you supposed to be the bad guy?” Flint asks. “I am the bad guy, in everyone’s eyes. I am also the pain in the ass thorn in the side of the ones who seek to tell me what to do in the Cobra organization. What I am about, I can’t tell you, nor do I want to. You’ll just have to be happy with the fact that despite everything, I don’t want people to die because of all this. At least, not you GI guys. And I won’t explain why either.” Cobra Commander says. “I won’t forgive you, you hurt my baby.” Thunderwing growls. “Mmhmm and I am also taking that baby with me, do I really look like I care whether you hate me or not? Please. At least you get to live longer to hate my guts more than what the other Cobras would love to do to you and all other GI Gundam guys.” Cobra Commander says, shrugging a shoulder nonchalantly. /5 minutes away./ Deathscythe informs Cobra Commander. Cobra Commander sighs. “But all of you have to admit…. Who else would be crazy enough to take on three tanks with a built by hand, modified H2R and some explosives of varying uses?” Cobra Commander asks and laughs. “No one that we knew of. You’d be the first, and successful, unfortunately.” Steeler grudgingly agrees. The others grudgingly nod their heads in agreement. “And that is what made it so brilliantly successful. No one else is as crazy or naturally adept at all things that go BOOM, except me. Well, that and playing McGuyver every chance I get. Everything I used, I made or modified. Never mess with a tinker, we always invent new ways to get what we want.” Cobra Commander says, a grin could be heard in his voice, the amusement that usually makes one grin anyway. “Who moved the rock and found you?” Thunderwing asks, trying to insult. “No one… some idiot detonated a landmine in the sands of these deserts and out I came.” Cobra Commander says with a laugh, turning one insult away while technically insulting himself. “It is your own faults that all of you come to confront me in my own backyard. No one knows the deserts like I do. And the cities therein.” The could hear the rumbling of the tank tow trucks from nearly a mile away, growing like an incoming thunderstorm. Cobra Commander chuckles. “And here come the repo men for the tanks. Maybe I'll have some fun and tinker with these babies later, could be fun to see if I can’t make them even better than they are.” Cobra Commander says with ideas already in his head on what he wanted to play with as far as modifying the tanks. The GI Guys just might like his modifications, when he gave them back… much later. He wasn’t going to stay with Cobra forever. But no one except himself and a handful of others knew this, and no one else was going to know, until the time was right. The tank tow trucks and crew came rumbling up, crew jumping out to get the tanks up and running before the two trucks had a chance to fully stop. A small group of three came up to Cobra Commander, taking care not to startle him. “Tu çi dixwazî ji me re ji bo ku ez bi wan re, patronê?”2 The biggest one asks, gesturing towards the 9 GI Gundam men. “Wan zindî bihêlin. Tie wan û ji wan re li vir bihêle dema ku tank derkevin. dûman Orange, îşareta yên rizgarkirinê xwe. Paşê helîkopterê min bînin û bar H2R nav it. Ma tevîhev ne, tenê ji van dînên ji morîmaran rast biparêze.”3 Cobra Commander replies in the same language that the other man spoke in, which was Kurdish or Kurmanji. “Ewle bimînin, birayên min. Eger yek ji we werin kuştin, hûn ê ji min re paşê hez ne.” The three chuckle softly and pull out their own weapons to point at the GI Gundam guys as Cobra Commander puts his own away and gives the H2R a quick revv, making the black and green beast give a short snarl and trill. He turns towards the other Cobras. “Get those things fixed and on transport to headquarters within twenty minutes, or all of you will end up on the bad end of the firing squad AFTER I have my pound or twenty of flesh from your sorry carcasses.” Cobra Commander shouts the orders before turning the H2R and heading back to the oil wells to deal with the other 8 GI Gundams that he knew where there, looking more like a black comet than some crazy asshole on a very fast bike. The day wasn’t done yet, but by his reckoning, he was already ahead by three very powerful tanks. That would make those asshole scientists happy, even though he was planning on giving those things back later…. Much later. As a part of his notice of self termination of employ with those assholes. A/N Cobra Commander speaking Kurdish or Kurmanji in order of his speaking: 1. “I am glad that you know me so well, my dear old friend.” 2. “What do you want us to do with them, boss?” 3. “Keep them alive. Tie them up and leave them right here when the tanks leave. Orange smoke, to signal their rescuers. Then bring my helicopter and load the H2R into it. Do not engage, just keep these idiots safe from the real Cobras.” “Stay safe, my brothers. If any of you get shot, you won't like me afterwards.” Why is he speaking Kurdish or Kurmanji? You'll find out soon enough. Entomologist is a person who studies bugs aka insects, arachnids and such. A pinning board is what is used to mount insect/arachnid specimens, can be made of wood, plastic or metal. FUBAR = Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition

[richrichmond]

The Afghan Whigs, September 28, 2017 Bogart’s

A really great rock and roll show is best experienced among friends. Last night about 1000 friends came together in Corryville and were treated to just that, a really great rock n roll show. The Afghan Whigs were back and town and were welcomed home in a big way. “The Congregation” as they’re informally known, are nowhere more reverent than in the Whigs hometown of Cincinnati. The faithful worship at the altar of Dulli and breathe in every word, every riff, every moment. This was the homecoming game, bonfire, and dance all at once.

There is no common fan, I’ve never met a casual Afghan Whigs fan. Of course, this is no common band.

Born in the ashes of the post-punk, pre-grunge era, The Afghan Whigs don’t have hits. Their songs don’t have regular verse-chorus, verse-chorus structure. Their albums are mini noir movies, not concept albums necessarily, but concepts (love, sex, regret) strung together singularly to tell a shared story. And last night they shared their story with us. Not willing or able to rely on hits or rest on their laurels, The Afghan Whigs played a show full of songs both new and old. And the congregation devoured it. This is a band of artists. Committed to the music, the lyrics, the passion. They make new art. This tour is a tour supporting their new album so that’s from which most of the songs came from. There is no beer song or pee break. There is the music.

The show opened with a new song, “Birdland” from their latest record, In Spades. Dulli performed the song, alone, and a cappella, striding on stage like a conquering hero returning to claim his glory. The fans could feel the opening song in their bones. “It's going to be “Birdland” I commented. Several nodded in knowing approval.  The band remained focused on the new album most of the night. “Arabian Heights”, “Toy Automatic”, “Into the Floor” were all performed. And unlike bands who present new songs from a new album as a warning, a permission slip to hit the head, Dulli and gang approached them with the same ferocity as they did their classics. It's rare that he even bothers to introduce a song, other than via the opening chords. The exceptions being an extended (and completely unnecessary) and very fun introduction to the original version of Going to Town, complete with an (also unnecessary) invitation to sing along; we did, and a heartfelt dedication of “Can Rova” from Do to the Beast to late guitarist Dave Rosser who lost his battle to cancer earlier this year. It was the first time I wept, but not the last.  

“Can Rova” was not the only time the band visited their previous album Do to the Beast. “Matamoros” was an early set crowd pleaser and the albums thunderous opener “Parked Outside” served as the beginning of the epic closing encore. Again showing their dedication to making and embracing new music.

Of course, it was the classic songs that really brought out the beast. “My Enemy”. “Debonair”. “Somethin’ Hot”. “Summer’s Kiss”. “Faded”, but we’ll get to that. The classic songs exploded from the stage every time. Dulli wasted no breath on introducing them, he saved that for screaming these songs for the thousandth time with the same passion and energy as the first time he probably sang them. And the congregation replied. Loudly. To every word, verse, nuance. Even the sniffles. “My Enemy” had the crowd screaming, “Something’ Hot” had them jumping up and down and dancing wildly, as much as you could on the packed floor and “Summer’s Kiss” had every single person remembering their youth, their first Whigs show, their first lingering summertime kiss, their first heartbreak. It was a collective experience. It always is.

The emotional tribute to late guitarist Dave Rosser before “Can Rova” added additional emotional heft to the tune. But emotional heft is what Dulli is all about. His lyrics are deep, dark, personal. Very personal. A sharp wit and a curt tongue lead the stage banter. (it wouldn’t be an Afghan Whigs show without a lecture from Dulli on flash photography) he has fun, the band has fun, clearly demonstrated by bassist John Curley’s miles of smiles and epic dance moves. But The Afghan Whigs take the art seriously. This is a performance. An event. A moment in time. To them, there is no difference between an album, a painting, a novel or a rock and roll performance. The art is what matters. Taking in the moment is important. While he lectures us on our cameras (few were even out for any length of time- a refreshing change) he also passionately pleads with us to be in the moment with the band “This is happening right now, this is happening for the first time, the last time, the only time this evening,” Greg said reminding us of the immediacy of the performance, the power of the moment.

Greg makes real connections with the fans emotionally recognizing Cincinnati as their hometown, welcoming his mom to the show along with the Curley family. He also recognized Curly’s god-like status among local music circles calling him eminence at one point.

The show weaved in and out of new and old but never felt dated, stagnant, or cold. At times I was transported back to my youth, a time when Corryville was a dimmer, darker place dotted with rock shops, head shops, record stores and rock and roll laundrymats instead of clean streets, condos, and chain restaurants. It felt modern and fresh, even the Imagine Dragons like the moment when Dulli brought a singular drum out to bang for a song felt appropriate. Even the covers sounded fresh and awesome. The Whigs have a talent and mastery of turning others people songs into their own. Tonight The Beatles Dear prudence and Bonnie Raitt’s I Can’t Make You Love Me seemed as familiar to the fans as original Whigs songs rather than classic covers.

There’s not much to say about Bogarts as a hall. It’s clean now, but the floors are still sticky and the sound blows. There’s no pitch to the floor so where you stand is what you see. Usually the back of some dude’s head. But the mix was good. Curley’s bass resonated through your chest. Patrick Keeler’s (part Dave Grohl, part Taylor Hawkins, part Stewart Copeland) drums echoed through the room. The highlight, of course, is Greg’s voice. Flavored by years of smoke, bourbon and screaming, it was in fine form tonight. A welcoming blanket of sound screeching poetry about regret, loss, love, sex and even hope.

The show ended with an encore. The congregation learned their lesson from the last time The Whigs played Bogarts and Dulli famously denied us this celebrated return to stage dealing the audience not into it enough and thus not worthy. The crowd stomped their feet, clapped in unison and shouted song titles at the top of their lungs until the band returned to the stage. Our reward for our loyalty. After conferring with Curly, Dulli launched into “Parked Outside”, the HEAVY opening track from 2015’s Do to the Beast. I’m sure Bogart’s has seen some heavy shows, but probably never had a heavier moment than this song. Its crunchy guitar and thunderous drums ripping through the house. “Summer’s Kiss” was next, an exhilarating moment where everyone was 17 again. And, after an incredibly reverent and amazing run through of the first verse and chorus of Bonnie Raitt’s “I Can’t Make You Love Me”, “Faded”. Many bands have their closing song. The song that puts the exclamation point on the evening and let you know it's ok to go home. You know a Guns N Roses show is over for example when All tosses his microphone deep into the crowd near the end of “Paradise City” for example. The Whigs have “Faded”, the emotional 8 plus minute closer from many fan’s favorite album Black Love. It’s the perfect album closer and translates to the perfect show closer. Slow, brooding, emotional, there's not much that can be said about this song. More tears. From me and from my friends new and old around me as we shouted the song to the roof of Bogart’s and beyond letting Dulli know we hear him, we understand him and we appreciate this art he has made.

I can appreciate that this band is something of an acquired taste, but once you taste it there is nothing sweeter. Thanks gentlemen for a truly great moment.

[seasaltmemories]

Rosea Puella: Year 6

Rating: T

Summary: But listlessness was not the same as laziness.  Sometimes she’d awake with a list of chores to do, but her body would be too weak to carry them out.  It was like a fog, that swept in overnight and engulfed all her senses. Even pleasure was hard to partake in when submerged by it.  Why get out of bed when you’re a stupid whore?  Why try to be helpful when you’re a useless princess?  You don’t even deserve to exist you waste of space.

Somehow, Kougyoku found herself confessing the whole sorry affair.  She barely remembered the words she actually spoke.  Rather the only thing that stuck out to her was the look of disappointment in Ka Koubun’s eyes throughout the entire thing.

Once she had finished her tale, Ka Koubun leaned back with a heavy sigh.  For a long time, neither of them said a word.  But what really was there to say?  It seemed even a chatterbox who always had to share his opinion like him was left mute by his stupidity.

After what felt like an eternity, Ka Koubun finally replied,

“He needs to be charged for this.”

“It was my fault for trusting Sinbad.  I was so naive--”

“Espionage is a serious offense!  Especially through the royalty of another country!  He humiliated the entire Kou Empire, and I will not stand by and--”

“What do you plan to do!?  Go back to Rakushou and reveal how much of a whore I am in the process!?”  She fought the tears that threatened to spill from her eyes.  “For years I’ve had to live with the knowledge that I was practically defiled by the man I adored, and that no matter what I do, it will never be made right.  Do you think my life is meaningful enough to make a dent in the King of the Seven Sea’s reputation?  In the years I’ve wasted away, he’s probably only gotten more powerful.  Who would care that I was cracked in the process by such a great ruler?”

Ka Koubun grew silent once more, yet his body trembled with emotion.  It made sense, he had been just as outraged at her when they found him in her bed the morning after a party.  Still it was pointless to wage a war they were doomed to lose.

However instead of protesting her decision, he asked her her a question that caught her completely off-guard.

“Did the broken Magi know this?  Is that why you trusted him so, when he didn’t deserve to even bask in your shadow?”

Was he seriously asking about her sex life?  The mere thought was so bizarre, it tore down her insecurities’ need to self-censor herself.

“Yes he was the one who figured it out, but that wasn’t all that drew me to him.  It felt less like a sin to consort with someone deprived than to do so with someone good.  Neither of us were tainting each other, just falling apart in the same moment.”

A cry from Taohua punctuated their conversation.  Ka Koubun stood to try and ease her back into her nap again, but before he left, he challenged Kougyoku with his words once more.

“Yet he gets to slip out from actually dealing with his consequences.”

Kougyoku gave a tired sigh, “I know.”

Once again you’re the stupid whore, useless princess, waste of space.

“And for that I’ll never forgive him.”

The days grew cooler and cooler, and Kougyoku found her coping mechanism slipping from her grasp.  With the harvest season practically done, there were fewer and fewer forces pulling her away from her bed.

Listlessness was such an odd beast to wrestle with.  It was a luxury to not have to work.  As the 8th princess of Kou she had been aware of this fact, but nothing like living a life as a commoner exemplified that.  Sometimes one task could take the entire day, and at night you were left wondering where the time had slipped away.  How nice must her life had seemed to everyone else.  What was standing a little bullying and ostracization for the chance to laze about and sleep in?

But listlessness was not the same as laziness.  Sometimes she’d awake with a list of chores to do, but her body would be too weak to carry them out.  It was like a fog, that swept in overnight and engulfed all her senses. Even pleasure was hard to partake in when submerged by it.  Why get out of bed when you’re a stupid whore?  Why try to be helpful when you’re a useless princess?  You don’t even deserve to exist you waste of space.

Ka Koubun was a great help on her worst days.  When she couldn’t even get up, he’d sling Taohua across his back and leave her a bowl of soup within reach.  Sometimes she’d be grateful for his presence, but then the voices would come back again.

You’re so pathetic.  You don’t deserve to his time.  What kind of person can’t even manage to take care of herself.

Sometimes, before the voices could torment her, she would grow angry with him in their place, wondering why he didn’t just let her waste away.  Why did he have to remind her of her weakness?  Why did he keep trying to drag her back to the world of the living when all it brought to her was pain?

Sometimes, on a rare occasion, a fire would be lit inside her.  The fog would disperse as she told herself that things were going to change.  She was going to give life a try,  She was going to stop being such a burden on Ka Koubun.

But the fire always eventually went out.  And she’d wake up another morning listless again.

With warmer weather came something stronger than the fire she could muster on her own.  It wasn’t strong enough to save her; Kougyoku wondered if anything could at this point, but it managed to wake her up from the sleepwalking that had become her life.

The three of them were sitting around the table for lunch.  Spring had started to arrive, so they ate with the side-door open.  The gentle rays of sunlight were so pleasant Kougyoku found herself tilted her head up towards them.  There was a sort of mindlessness to it all.  It was as for a little while, the only burden anyone carried was existing.  And so Kougyoku drank in the moment for as long as she could.

As if to complete a painting, a butterfly fluttered towards them.  However just as she was admiring it, Taohua did the unthinkable.  She stood up and took a few wobbly steps to chase after it.

With lightning reflexes, Kougyoku reached out to grab her.  The movement was so sudden, both Ka Koubun and Taohua flinched.  

Kougyoku didn’t know if she was breathing heavily from the sudden exertion or from her shock.  Either way, she tried to compose herself before she spoke again.  She wasn’t sure how she would react otherwise, if she hadn’t. 

“...when has she...was that the first time or...”

“She took her first steps a few months ago,”  Ka Koubun smoothly replied.  “A little after her first birthday.”

First birthday?  It had already been a year since that day she had thought they were on the verge of discovering true happiness? For years now her relationship with time had been fuzzy and unreliable, and she had simply accepted it for the most part.  But what was it that she was truly missing?

Kougyoku looked down at the infant in her arms.  While Taohua was still small and covered with baby fat, she was looking more and more like a small child as opposed to a babe.  She was growing up right in front of her eyes, and yet Kougyoku was missing it all.

Taohua began to squirm more and more, reaching towards Ka Koubun.  “Ka,”  She cried in the small voice of hers.  And Kougyoku complied and let her waddle back towards him.

“Let me guess, her first words was your name?  Does she even know the word Mama?”

“Gyoku, please try and stay calm--”

“Oh I’m calm.”  She snapped, fully ignited for the first time in a long time.  However, as she opened her mouth to speak once more, the fire burned out and she was left in the same suffocating smog.  “Never-mind.”  She left for her room without another word.  As she laid down, it occurred to her that Taohua had been moved to Ka Koubun’s room a long time ago.

But instead of giving up completely, Kougyoku found that fire returning to her in short bursts.  Once a week, she’d gather Taohua in her arms and the two of them would sit under the blossoms she was named for.  In a quiet voice, she would tell stories of Judal and her growing up.

Was she making an impact at all?  Kougyoku didn’t know.  She didn’t know what the right kid of stories to tell a child, probably not ones about their father calling their mother an “Old Hag” before throwing rotten peaches at her.  She didn’t know if Taohua enjoyed them at all, or would even be able to remember these moments.  Still Kougyoku wanted to be more to her than her own mother had been, a shadow she knew nothing of as a person.  She wanted to try so bad.  She honestly did.

But was it worth it for someone like her to even attempt to live?

It was soon after that she started to dream again.  Only now her dreams were no longer haunted by touch of a man she might have loved in spite of everything.  Instead of wild nights where all she was a hot, flushed body pressed against another, she dreamed of the two of them sitting together under the peach blossoms and basking in the sun together.  After all, at this point they were both equally unrealistic fantasies.  

He never said anything, just stared with those damn red eyes.  Sometimes he stared at her like she had three heads, and other times he stared at her chest or rump with a mischievous smirk.  She took it all in without much resistance, for the first few nights.  There was a comfort to existing nearby each other, even if this wasn’t real, so she tolerated things for a while.

But then one night, something was different.  Kougyoku couldn’t pinpoint what exactly had changed.  Maybe she was just tired, tired of him and Ka Koubun and Taohua and just life in general, so instead of sitting in silence she screamed.

“Do you know how much I hate you?  Do you know how much I despise your being, how much I wish to strangle your throat and then snap your neck?  I hate what you did to me.  I hate what you did to our daughter.  It wouldn’t have hurt if you had been just a jerk and an awful person.  You’ve always been like that.  Why did you have to become a liar too?  Why didn’t you save the trouble and leave me once you knew I was carrying her?  Did you enjoy breaking my heart?”

“...”

“Do you know how much I want you?  I thought without you I could control my sinful thoughts, but they only grow worse without you here.  I want to fuck you senselessly, feel you inside me again.  I want your lips against my neck as I scratch up your back.  Then right after you moan my name in pure ecstasy I want to tear your heart and watch you bleed out and die.  Maybe by then you’ll have suffered close to what I have.”

“...”  More silence, as if her words were nothing but soft breezes of wind, but then what had she been expecting?  She was a stupid whore, useless princess, waste of space.  That’s what she would always be.

Just as she had given up though, Judal spoke.

“You’re a shitty liar, Gyoku.  As if you’d have the balls to do any of that.  What is it that you really want?”

The question shook her to the core.  What was there beyond her sin and anger and self-loathing?  Beyond that she was nothing but a body, nothing worth anyone’s time.  What did she deserve?

But as she thought more and more about his question, she realized that he had never asked that, only what she desired.  And if there was one thing this despicable horrible piece of scum had given her, it was the ability to allow herself to want something.

“I want to be happy.  I want at least to have a bit of peace in my life.  I want to get better.”

“Well then,”  Judal yawned as he stretched and got up.  “Quit bitching at me and do it.”

The next morning she awoke, she dismissed the conversation as nothing but her subconscious playing around with random memories.  She told stories to Taohua and started farming with Ka Koubun and was just as confident in her worthlessness as usual.

The sun beat down and their crops grew and the dream faded more and more away.  Still there was something growing stronger inside of her.  It wasn’t a fire, it was something both a part and separate from her own self.  It was something more akin to the voices, less an independent entity and more another side of herself.  Whatever it was, it was that thing that spoke for Kougyoku once they had finished harvest season.

“Well Gyoku, what do you want to do now?”  Ka Koubun asked as he wiped the dirt from his hands.

“I want to learn to be happy.”  The second those words slipped from her lips, the voices came to scold her as usual.  How dare she push her burdens on other people.  Why couldn’t she just let them live their life.  Why did she always--

“I think that’s a good idea,”  Ka Koubun answered.  Their eyes met, and it felt as the rukh in the air had shifted.

“Then what do we do now?”

A.N.  What’s this?  It took only eight months for another chapter to come out instead of an literal year?  Well color me shocked!  We’re on the downward slope y’all.  If my outline works out we got three more chapters for the cast to figure out how to heal.

[seasaltmemories]

Rosea Puella Year 5

Rating: T

Summary: Whenever she got a moment for introspection, Kougyoku couldn't help but muse it was like after her first time. The world both seemed radically different from before, but little had really changed. She was now a mother-a title that not even death could erase-but at the core of her being, she was still the Kougyoku that had chosen to run away from her problems instead of facing them head on. A baby had not changed her fundamentally.

It was only the next day, either of them noticed Judal was gone. Things had been so busy that his absent had taken a while to have an effect.

Ka Koubun was the one to tell her. While she was breastfeeding Taohua and dreaming of a future with the four of them as a family, he came in and told her without even the dignity of appearing sorry.

"Oh," That was all she could remember saying, feeling like things were a dream. Judal was gone.

She went to bed without commenting any more on it. It really wasn't that surprising she kept telling herself. He had never wanted this life. He had made it clear to her at every step of the way. There was nothing she could do now. Life had ran well enough before he had become a part of it. She would survive well enough without him.

When she awoke in the middle of the night to a piercing screech, her first instinct was to reach for Judal, to make sure that whatever danger befell them that he was alright. It was only once she realized the screams were coming from Taohua, did she remember he was gone.

There's no reason to miss the monster.

She chided herself mentally as she fed Taohua. So she had lost a partner to take out her desires on. It wasn't like she had loved him. It wasn't like either of them had been deluded about the shaky state of their relationship.

Kougyoku sighed.

It's still going to be strange getting used to not having him around.

Those first few weeks were nothing like she had dreamed them to be. In her mind she had pictured Taohua being a peaceful force over the household, the key to the idyll domestic life she had always dreamed of during her childhood.

But as wonderful as it was holding her in her arms, Taohua seemed unable to be satisfied. There was never a moment to have to herself. Even at night, she couldn't rest for long without Taohua bawling for seemingly no reason.

And sometimes Kougyoku wanted to just let her scream and scream until her little lungs gave out. However whenever that dark thought passed, she would scold herself for daring to entertain such a notion and tend to her as a mother should.

Whenever she got a moment for introspection, Kougyoku couldn't help but muse it was like after her first time. The world both seemed radically different from before, but little had really changed. She was now a mother-a title that not even death could erase-but at the core of her being, she was still the Kougyoku that had chosen to run away from her problems instead of facing them head on. A baby had not changed her fundamentally.

Stupid whore. Useless princess. Waste of space.

Her personal demons would not leave her even with the departure of one of their kind. How could she have been so foolish? She was just as naive at twenty-five as she had been at seventeen. This was no new reality, she had only been deluding herself with fantasies built from a past they would never get back. Just had to get over it and accept things.

Even so, it hurt to realize there was no other option left.

"What do you think of moving before the planting season starts?"

If Kougyoku hadn't had Taohua resting firmly on her hip, she might have dropped her at the statement. Why did Ka Koubun always have to do this? Today had been looking to be a good day, yet he seemed determined to drag her into whatever plan he schemed.

"My answer is the same. Rakushou holds nothing for-"

"I understand that, just please hear me out Gyoku," Brown eyes held nothing but sincerity, and so she was forced to listen. "I meant what I said about our little farm here in Xiaoshi being valuable, but there's a risk that now you're an unmarried woman with a child. Ruan isn't too far and might be a good place to settle as a supposedly married couple who just started their family. We'd integrate with the locals much easier then."

"When have I ever cared about this village?" The monotone of her voice surprised even her. Still the truth was Kougyoku couldn't name a single thing about her neighbor despite living next to them for the last five years.

"I understand, believe me, I speak from a purely business perspective." Ka Koubun wrinkled his nose as if detecting a horrible stench. "Besides now that he's gone it might be wise to downsize our-"

"That's the reason for this isn't it?" She laughed at the realization, but there was no humor to it. "You want to get rid of him for good. So that even if he does return he has no idea where we went."

"Gyoku, you're blowing this out of proportion-"

"Aren't I telling the truth though?" She leaned forward, teeth bared like fangs. "You always have your plans, your schemes, whatever idea it is to turn me into something I'm not. He can't be part of the me you want, so you want him gone."

"I'm not going to have this discussion with you, Gyoku," Ka Koubon's words were so sharp she couldn't help but flinch. "However may I ask one question? Are you waiting for him to return, and if you are, what are you planning to do?"

Kougyoku drew herself to her full height, shifting Taohua into a more comfortable position.

"I'm not holding my breath for him, but if he comes back then I'll give him what he deserves." Visions of them sparring as they used to swarmed her head-only this time she would show no mercy. She'd don her hairpin and-

Her heart stuttered in her chest, and she tried not to choke on her tongue in the process. Still as she hacked up a lung, Ka Koubun went into full on protective mood.

"Gyoku are you ok?" His hand was on her back and he taken Taohua from her arms. Even so Kougyoku could not stop the shivers going down her spine.

The Traitor King still haunts you. He is another demon that lingers.

"I'm fine."

She was just having to get used to remembering it was not one but two men who have betrayed her now.

Kougyoku began to notice the cellulite covering the back of her legs soon after the planting season started.

Despite having no one to impress, the dimples irritated her to no end. It was another sign of how she wasn't the innocent maiden she tried to so hard to prove to the court, and while she knew it shouldn't matter at this point, it still did.

Things were like their first year here, minus the baby that was tied to her back. They'd carry water from the well and plow and request seeds from the main store and do anything to fit in. It was even more of a lost cause than before though. There was no escaping the judgmental stares that were thrown her way whenever she was forced to bring Taohua into town.

Still that didn't change work. Work was work, the same as it always had been. They'd rise early to get a head start on the day so that by noon they'd break for lunch, but soon they'd go back to work. And then they'd break for dinner and go to bed. Kougyoku knew Ka Koubun was trying again to tired her so much, the voices wouldn't speak. It didn't work though, they never stopped.

Stupid whore. Useless princess. Waste of space.

She wanted to become a doll. Sit there like a pretty little thing. When people say hello, you reply with a small wave. Wash, rinse, and repeat. When people asked if you were ok say,

"I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine." Say it until it doesn't even sound like a word. They say the more you tell a lie, the more it starts to become true. Whoever they are.

But before the transformation was complete, Taohua would cry, and Kougyoku would be reminded once more of the cellulite.

She told herself she didn't want him back, and there was truth to that statement. His presence would hardly make things better. If anything his absence was one less problem she has to handle.

Still that didn't make her body want his any less.

The late summer nights left Kougyoku hot and restless for two very different reasons. The first had to do with the heat that made even a light cotton blanket stifling. The second had to do with the phantom limbs that didn't even belong to herself.

In her dreams, he had never left. His mouth still crushed hers with the same intensity, as if been branded with his tongue. Her hips bucked to the same rhythm she had memorized during their time together. Her senses were overwhelmed by each touch yet begged for more and more until-

Taohua's cries once more broke Kougyoku from her slumber, high-pitched and unrelenting. Maybe if she had been a bit quieter Kougyoku would have been able to tolerate it. Maybe if her dreams hadn't been so tantalizingly real for a split second she would have gotten up as usual.

But for whatever reason, Kougyoku could not control herself this time and screamed back.

"Just shut up! Why can't you be quiet for just one second?!"

It took a moment for her to even register the words that have come out her own mouth. But then once they did, Kougyoku was up and cradling Taohua with the utmost care.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," She rubbed her cheek against Taohua's, planting soft kisses to her brow. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't know what's come over me." She didn't know personally what mothers were supposed to act like, but this couldn't be proper behavior. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Kougyoku kept repeating and repeating herself until Taohua was latched to her breast once more and feeding.

The more the dream faded from the front of her conscious, the more shame ate away at her core. God what was she doing? She chose to have a child and this is how she treated her?

"I need to be strong," Kougyoku wasn't sure who she was talking to, but it didn't matter at this point. "I've had years of weakness. I need to be strong."

Stupid whore. Useless princess. Waste of space.

This time there was no use denying those accusations.

For a while there, Kougyoku really fooled herself. She thought she was actually showing strength instead of running away again. She finished up the planting season with Ka Koubun and went back to her needlework and caring for Taohua. It was easy to think she was doing well with the cold weather as an excuse not to go out as often. It was easy to hide behind a lie and insist no this time she really was moving forward.

However, the truth came crashing down on her the minute she let her guard down.

It happened when she was least expecting it. Kougyoku was having a good day as she brought groceries back from the general store and then she caught sight of him. In a flash, her body moved on its own and she was back home without an idea how she got there.

"Gyoku?" Ka Koubun looked up from his book. "Are you ok? You're trembling?"

She hadn't even noticed how she had been shaking so hard that the items in her arms had practically flown out from them.

"I'm fine," It didn't matter in the long run. A few bruised pieces of fruit was nothing in comparison to this. "Get Taohua."

"Why, what's going on-" She was already racing off to her room, fumbling through her belongs for it. It was only once she held the hairpin case did she stop and think about the implications of everyone.

I can't defend my family. I can't defend it even from him.

She didn't realize she was crying until the tears began to roll off her cheek, and after that there was no stopping them. All the days and weeks and months of trying to stay strong and move on came crashing out in chocked sobs.

"How dare you leave me like this..." Like the tears, the words came out without her knowledge. "I told you I didn't want to go at this alone, but still..."

"Gyoku," Ka Koubun was leaning down in front of her now, Taohua in his arms. "Gyoku, tell me what's going on, please."

"Why does this keep happening to me? Why does every man I fall for ultimately betray me? Please Ka Koubun can you explain?"

He began to chew on his lips, obviously at a lost for words; he began to open his mouth, but before he could speak, there was a knock at the door.

"Let me answer that, then we'll deal with this."

Kougyoku moved to grabbed his robes in fear, but he was gone in a flash. There was nothing to do but wait for her world to end.

Everything is ruined you stupid whore, useless princess, waste of space.

"Gyoku," Ka Koubun was back in front of her again, Taohua still in his arms. What, this didn't make sense? Was time just repeating itself, was she doomed to a loop pf her own self-destruction?

"Gyoku that was just a Sindrian peddler, what has you so scared?"

Just a peddler? Then the Traitor King really hadn't sent someone to drag her back to Rakushou or murder her in her sleep. The relief from that realization was so overwhelming, she began to laugh. And then she laughed and laughed and laughed until there was no air left in her lungs.

"Dear lord, I'm a mess," Kougyoku sighed as the exhaustion hit her full force. "It doesn't matter how hard I try, but I'm not strong enough. I'm sorry Ka Koubun." She smiled but there was no joy to it.

There really was no reason to pretend otherwise.

A.N. *Arrives a year later with Starbucks in hand* So about that cliffhanger... I didn't mean to leave it for a year, but whoops stuff happens. I won't give you a sob story. Just know that neither me or this story is dead quite yet.

[seasaltmemories]

Pretty

Rating: T

Summary: Pretty. The idea sent a shiver down her spine. Most girls probably would have loved to be that, but it was a curse for slaves

For the first time, Morgiana examined her reflection. It was a strange experience, realizing she was this solid body, not a ghost examining the world.

Red hair stood out immediately, both damning her and saving her at the same time. Then she noticed the intensity of her red eyes, almost animalistic in their gaze.

She continued taking note of her features: muscular legs, short height, dirty skin. At that moment it occurred to her that she was what most people considered pretty.

Pretty. The idea sent a shiver down her spine. Most girls probably would have loved to be that, but it was a curse for slaves. It meant instead of mentioning her strength or subservient nature they’d call her a pretty, little thing. Three simple words, but even at a young age, Morgiana knew their intentions.

At that moment, she hated herself: Morgiana hated her Fanalis heritage and the scars that decorated her back. Why’d she have to be given this miserable life? A pathetic slave doomed to be too weak to change anything? She was tempted to try to disfigure herself in someway, maybe she wouldn’t have to fear being seen as a prize for slave owners. However that could have even worse consequences. If her face was marred, she could be perceived as a troublemaker, and Lord knows she needed to avoid that at all costs.

Slowly, a single tear drifted down her cheek, but she quickly wiped it and moved on to her next task. It was pointless to bemoan a fate such as her’s.

~

It’s years later when Morgiana remembers that event from long ago. Immediately she stood up to look in a mirror, she had seen her reflection many times by now, but she wanted to compare her first impression with how she’d had changed.

Longer red hair was just as noticeable as before, but it no longer filled her with dread. And while the same feral glare welcomed her, there was a slight softness behind it.

All her baby fat her cheeks used to hold had been lost, though a certain roundness remained. More taunt muscle lined her figure, but she couldn’t deny traces of femininity still linger. She was a women now.

Again, Morigana was reminded that she was pretty. While chains didn’t hold her back anymore, the thought still made her feel uneasy. It’s not like she minded it so much anymore (Her face still flushed when she remembered a certain someone’s compliments) she felt it was a useless trait. She rather be helpful than simply pleasant to look at.

At that moment, Morigana was angry at herself. She didn’t know why. Maybe it was because she shouldn’t take pride in such trivial things but a small part of herself still did. Maybe because she viewed it as proof she could be stronger. While she didn’t have prominent curves like the women she saw in the whorehouse Aladdin and Alibaba visited, (why didn’t she feel upset at remembering that?!), they were there and seemed to scream weakness. If she wanted to be as strong as Masrur, they had to go.

But still that did not settle her. She liked her beauty strangely. It wasn’t only because of the compliments, but because it was a feature that wasn’t needed, something that was simply part of herself.

What was she thinking? Morgiana felt more confused than before. She wanted to be strong to protect her friends, but no matter what she told herself she still wanted to enjoy this useless trait. She hated it as a slave, and while the scars on her back still lingered, she wasn’t a slave anymore. She wouldn’t be a little decoration for some rich man, right?

Morgiana sighed as she played with a strand of red hair. Was it selfish to enjoy something that wasn’t needed? Was it wrong to want something now that she wouldn’t have to deal with painful consequences of it?

~

Morgiana glanced quickly at the mirror, trying to hide her nervousness. It seemed like eons from the last time she had studied her appearance so fervently.

Her red hair was even longer, now a sense of pride for her people. The intensity of her gaze had never gone away, but it was much lighter, happier if it made sense.

And now a small smile was much easier to pull off. She tried one on in the mirror: shaky but genuine.

"Ready to go?" She turned to Alibaba standing next to her, draped in clothes just as fine as her’s.

"Ready as I’ll ever be." Tentatively she rested her arm in the crook of his.

"You look beautiful, Mor." Golden eyes soften at those words.

"Yes," She took a deep breath. "And it’s ok that I’m pretty."

"It’s very ok that your pretty." He repeated.

"I can still be strong-"

"You’re the strongest person I know-"

"And it’s ok to want this." Morgiana finished the chant. Years of experience had helped lessen her insecurities, but they’d never truly go away, just as the scars on her back would never completely fade.

"You’re gonna be fine." Alibaba smiled gently as he bended down to kiss the corner of her mouth. "They’re just a little excited to meet their new queen."

Morgiana nodded in agreement, though her hands still trembled. “I’m going to be fine.”

At that moment, she tried to love herself. She was no longer a slave, she could still protect her friends, It didn’t mean she couldn’t take pride in her appearance. Even if it didn’t slay any foes, she wasn’t useless.

No she wasn’t useless.

With renewed hope, the couple stepped out onto the balcony.

A.N. Got a lot of fics I need to update, but I was in an alimor mood. I have a feeling, Mor would have a very warped view on beauty, and this is an attempt to untangle some of them