Caught in the Crosshairs: Chapter 48: What You Want: Evanescence
Series warnings: Smut, mind control, canon typical violence, childhood trauma, language, chronic illness
Chapter Warnings: PTSD lashing out, minor injury, dream sequence (not smut but fluff)
Translations: buir: mother/father
vod: brother/sister
jai'galaar: shriek-hawk
ad'ika: little one
aliit: clan
di'kute: idiots
ner jetii'ika: my little Jedi
a'lor: leader/chieftan
Ner aliit, ad be ner b'riduur vod. Vizla'ad: my clan, child of my spouse's sibling. Child of clan Vizla.
ad be ner vod: "child of my brother/sister", niece/nephew
Vor entye, ner ba'vodu: Thank you, my aunt/uncle
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Omega had never been so worried in her entire short life. Not when she’d been locked in a cell on Kamino. Not when she’d been captured by Cad Bane. Not even when she’d been moments from drowning with Miria in the debris field of what had once been Tipoca city. All those things had been happening in that moment, and there were things she could do to fight the situation.
This morning, she’d woken up and gone sleepily to Miria’s room to ask her to brush her hair. The woman’s bed had been empty, and didn’t look like it had been slept in at all. After a hour of searching high and low for her General, she finally woke up Annalise and Jet. When even they didn’t know where Miria was, the entire farmhouse had panicked.
Hunter had circled back again and again to the empty barn where Miria’s scent trail left off. Irene had been with her, and Aram. It might have been comforting if Miria hadn’t been so frail and sickly. He feared the worst, that this whole adventure to Naboo had been her subtle way of telling him she was ready to rejoin the Force and she’d wandered into the woods like a dying barn tooka. He could imagine her trying to spare everyone the pain of her demise like that. Maybe Irene and Aram had tried to talk her out of it? Or gone looking for her without waking everyone else up before sunrise?
Tech was running scans using Jet’s droids to try to find any movement, Echo and Wrecker riding around on speeders with the perfume farmer to look around the farm for his wayward daughter. Omega was clinging to Hunter, who’d been trying to pick up a trail that led out of the barn, while Annalise was trying to get Irene or Aram on the comm. Only Argais seemed calm, sitting on the porch with his tea.
“How is this not stressing you out?” Hunter rubbed his temples, coming back to the porch to try to pick up the trail again, that just kept leading him back to the barn. “It’s your wife and kid missing too.”
“And that is precisely why I am sure Miria is in good hands. Though I am surprised Irene took Aram with her, since she is usually so protective of him.”
Hunter sat on the porch with the former Jedi, Omega in his lap. “I didn’t think she’d be the kind to coddle a kid.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t call it that.” Argais laughed, offering a cookie to Omega from his own plate. “But Irene lost all of her immediate family when she was young. She wants him to be strong enough to take down planets, but she never lets him face any real danger. Aram is strong and well trained, but he’s never had to use it.”
Omega looked up from Hunter’s arms. “Like how Miri says I can’t just be as strong as the rest of the batch, I have to be better?”
Argais nodded. “Though I think my niece is a little more familiar with the process of letting children fall and make mistakes to learn. You’ve seen more, Omega, than my son has… though I think that will change soon. He’s at the age where children often decide to rebell and throw themselves into things.”
Hunter’s arms tightened around Omega. “You’re talking about the rebellion.”
“I think Aram will end up in it.” Argais nodded. “If he goes, so will Irene. If she goes, so will I. My sister and Jet will make their own choices, if they wish to fight or remain here as a peaceful place in the eye of the storm. But even if they do, there will be plenty of weapons moving in boxes of perfume around the galaxy.”
Hunter sighed. He hated to think that one day Omega might want to fight as badly as Echo did. Miria did too, but she was too sick to- “I hear a ship.” He frowned, head coming up.
Tech frowned from where he was tapping at his datapad furiously. “I am not picking up any ship readings.”
“Doesn’t matter. Get down.” He hit his comm. “Echo, Wrecker, get back to the main house. Ship inbound and Tech can’t find it on the scanner.”
“On the way.” Echo said seriously.
It was only a few moments before the ground between the back barn and house depressed like something had landed in the grass. Hunter couldn’t see a ship, but he felt the electromagnetic pulses he always sensed from machinery. Echo and Wrecker lined up with him and Tech, weapons in hand, as a cloaking feature dropped and revealed a sleek black ship.
“Stand down, soldiers.” Argais smiled. “That’s my wife’s ship.”
Hunter froze. “... She has her own ship. A stealth ship.” No wonder he couldn’t find a trail out of the barn after Miria went in it. She hadn’t walked out, she’d flown.
Why would Miria leave the planet without telling them? Unless it was a last request to her aunt and cousin… what if she was already dead? He was going to lose his mind if she was already dead. She couldn’t leave them like that!
The ramp dropped open and Irene was standing in the doorway, hands on her hips. “I don’t know if I’m mad you’re pointing blasters at my ship or impressed you knew where we landed with the cloak on.”
Aram’s mass of black curls appeared behind her. “Hunter’s got those senses, Buir. He knows stuff.”
The clones holstered their weapons, Hunter’s eyes trying to see past the two Mandalorians as they stepped down the ramp. He leaned over and finally, blessedly, spotted the flutter of a pink sundress.
Miria had her hands clasped in front of her, her eyes lifted up to look around the farm like she hadn’t appreciated it fully before. Her skirts and bell sleeves billowed a little in the warm afternoon breeze, and there was ash scuffing her round-toed shoes. She smiled faintly as Hunter ran over to her, hands hooking into her vest. “Miria- whatever the hell your middle name is- Halcyon! Where the hell have you been?”
“It's Adeline, and I-” She started
The rest of the Batch darted over, clamoring around their leaders. “Easy with her, Hunter.” Wrecker grumbled. “Miri’s little.”
“General, where have you been? When your mother was unsure, we all became very concerned.” Tech leaned over to look at her while Echo tried to calm Hunter.
“I’m-” Miri tried again, cut off this time by the corporal.
“Vod, don’t shake her like that. I know you’re upset, but-”
“Miri, I was scared.” Omega wrapped her arms around Miria’s waist.
Miria cleared her throat sharply. “Is everyone quite through talking over me?”
That seemed to startle the men, who all blinked at her. Hunter let go of her slowly. “Sorry, Miri….”
She smiled faintly. “I’m fine, boys. More than fine.” She flexed her fingers thoughtfully. “I went with Aunt Irene to heal, and it worked.”
“Heal…?” Echo blinked.
Miria nodded, stepping up and wrapped her arms around his middle. The hug was tight, and she startled him when she picked him up metal limbs and all and spun in a circle, laughing. “Yes!”
The Batch started yelling again, crowding around to hug and examine her. “You’re better?!”
“You’re not dying!”
“Oh thank Manda.”
Miria smiled. “I finally have what I thought I’d never get, boys. Time.” She looked around. “Now it’s a matter of out lasting the Empire.”
The guys nodded, and Omega squealed with delight. Irene caught Miria’s eye and beckoned her to follow her back to the barn the Jai'galaar had been originally parked in. "I'll be right back." Miria patted Hunter’s shoulder. "Can you tell Mother I'm alright?"
"Sure." He smiled and led the others back towards the house.
Miria joined her aunt back by her forge. "Yes, Aunt Irene?"
"I've got something for you. A gift." Irene pulled a small piece of metal from her pocket.
"Beskar? Aunt Irene, that's so hard to get ahold of…" Miria frowned. Mandalorian steel was being stolen left and right from the planet as the Empire went after Separatist, Republic, and neutral systems alike.
"Ad'ika, you think I don't know a trick or two to find it? I'm Mandalorian, beskar belongs with my people. I made this for you." Irene nudged Miria towards the smelter.
It was a simple was sturdy affair, anvils and tools cleaned and put away with the meticulousness of a disciplined warrior. Miria doubted her arms would have been able to lift some of them, even if the stifling heat that must have come on when the forge was lit didn't take her out. "For me? I'm not Mandalorian, Aunt Irene. It seems… tactless, for me to accept."
"Here's the funny thing about my people. We like foundlings." Irene smirked. "You don't have to be born on Mandalore to be a Mandalorian. Our people find ways to increase their clans, even without having a ton of kids… it's practical, considering the mortality rate when we go to war. And those of us who follow the old ways like to go to war."
Miria scowled. "I've seen enough war."
"And you'll see more. The Empire’s not going away anytime soon." Irene walked over to a work table. "Now, as I was saying: Mandalorians like taking foundlings and expanding families. The way I did it was taking Argais' family as part of my aliit. The Draper-Halcyon family is now a part of Clan Vizla. I'd rather have them than those Death Watch d'kute. But since you've been removed from the family for so long, custom indicates you receive a formal invitation, as what your parents accepted didn't apply to you then and won't retroactively apply because you're over the age of fourteen."
Miria blinked. "Fourteen?"
"The age of Mandalorian adulthood. We live hard and die fast." Irene shrugged. "C'mere."
Miria cautiously approached, head spinning. An invitation to a Mandalorian clan… a place of belonging, a history and legacy she could wrap her fingers around. It was something she'd often thought about, commiserating with her men about their heritage as Mandalorian but displacement from everything to do with the culture. Crosshair had once casually mentioned that not having a clan felt uncomfortable, which meant that it bothered him more than words could say but he was too proud to admit it. If he ever came home, she might could give it to him. "What does it mean, for me?" She finally asked.
"Well, on the surface level it's permission to enter our sacred places and wear our armor if you wanted. You'd also have the right to Mandalorian birth, wedding, and funeral honors, and a place in Manda if you earned it. More personally, it makes me your a'lor, your chief." Irene explained. "That gives you access to more help by creed, and me permission to act on your behalf if needed."
The little woman gave her aunt a hard look. "Why do I get the feeling this is more for your benefit than my own?"
"Because you're not an idiot." Irene smirked. "Yes, there's something in it for me. But most importantly for you, ner jetii'ika, is that the Batch would be included in the offer. You're their commanding officer, so their a'lor. This is something like… a merge of clans. And should anything happen to you, they would have my protection. I know you asked Aram about securing your inheritance for them. Consider this a part of it."
Miria chewed her lip. "You're not going to start ordering me around, are you? Because as nice as it would be to not be in charge, I have to maintain my responsibility to my squad."
"You're blood-kin to Argais and Annalise Draper. I learned my lesson about giving orders twenty years ago with them." Irene laughed. "I might have been a deadly Sith assassin once upon a time, but that neither impresses or intimidates Nabooian warriors. And when I say warriors, I don't just mean your uncle. Your mother was a royal guard once, and she fought during the battle of Naboo. Don't let the cute farmer wife getup fool you."
Miria couldn't resist a smile. That sounded like her mother, to throw her entire being into a battle against impossible odds. She'd probably offered to make a young queen Amidala a snack before the scrapped droidikas were even cleaned out of the palace. "Then I see no reason to refuse… it would be my honor."
Irene held up a pendant on a beskar chain. It was round, the shriek-hawk symbol of her clan embossed into it and no bigger than the honeycomb middle of her own chest plate. "There's one condition to me giving you this Miria Adeline. And you must hear me out before you decide. Deal?"
"Deal." Miria nodded. Even if she disagreed, hearing her aunt was always insightful.
"You must let go of what the Jedi taught you. You have to stop caring about being likable."
Miria squeaked. "How in the Force is that something to be desired?"
Irene held up a hand. "Listen to me before you decide. And yes, I know what I'm about to say will sound cruel. You need to hear it anyway."
Miria braced for impact like she was in a crashing ship. "... I'm listening."
"We both know the Sith walk in the darkness, and darkness leaves you blind." Irene said firmly. "But staring at a sun will blind you just as surely. The Jedi were blind in their total commitment to the light side, and that hubris killed them. They never saw what was coming because they ignored the signs. They didn't deserve what they got, but it was a trap they could have foreseen if they hadn't been so self-righteous. You still think like a Jedi, you kill the voice inside you that tells you what you need in favor of looking at the wants of others."
"What do you mean?" Miria frowned.
"You gave Crosshair a choice on Kamino, and he chose the Empire."
Miria's jaw tightened. "I will never take his freedom from him, Aunt Irene. As painful as his choice was, it was his to make. He had his choices stolen too often in the Republic."
Irene raised an eyebrow. "And the chip you still think is there?"
"He has to choose to fight it. It's… not that I must be likable. It's that it's what's right. He can only be free if he breaks his own chains. I'm not his heroine, as much as I wish to be." Miria swallowed hard and met her aunt's eyes.
"Can you live with the decision he made?"
Slowly, the young woman nodded. "I'll… I'll try, Aunt Irene." She finally whispered. "I can't force him… but I can try to convince him to make a better choice. It's never too late to come home."
Irene laid the pendant in Miria's hand. "Wise words, spoken like a proper Mandalorian. Ner aliit, ad be ner b'riduur vod. Vizla'ad."
"Thank you." Miria repeated as Irene put the clan Crest around her neck. It hung over her heart, and felt solid and heavy when she touched it.
Irene smiled. "A broken light still shines, ad be ner vod."
Miria touched her crest again. She was perhaps a Jedi no longer… but a Mandalorian, a broken light… existing in both sides of the spectrum without contradiction. "Vor entye, ner ba'vodu. I will remember."
"Keep your eyes closed."
Miria stood still in the center of a recently gleaned field, boots in the soft dirt. Just tilled, she could smell the damp earth and sweet perfume of broken flowers. Argais and Irene were circling her, the steady hum of their sabers and her own filling her ears.
This was training, as if she were still a padawan. This time, however, she was training in both light and dark of the Force.
She heard an electric crackle, not unlike the electrowhips she had faced before. "To harness the dark side and not fall to it, you have to learn to enjoy the pain." Irene said firmly, on her right. She shifted her saber to her left hand. "Take it. Give it a purpose."
Miria nodded. "I'm ready."
"Are you?"
The lighting struck her squarely in the shoulder, knocking her off her feet. She thudded into the soft soil with a groan.
"You said you were ready." Argais said mildly.
At the outskirts of the field, Omega tugged gently at Annalise's apron. "Why are they beating her up?"
"It's training." Hunter explained, arms crossed. He didn't like it either, but Miria had asked them to stay out of it.
"It looks like it hurts." Omega frowned.
"It probably does." Echo sighed. "But she's stubborn."
Tech was just recording as Miria got to her feet. "I do not understand this kind of training."
Miria flexed her arms and lifted her saber, adjusting her stance. "Again."
Argais smiled faintly. "Brave woman. But you're not using the Force to sense your surroundings. You've been reserving your energy to stay alive. Now, you must use it."
Miria closed her eyes again. The anxiety of a known attack coming prickled at her gut, distracting in its intensity. If she couldn't master this, she would fail again.
"Show us what you're made of." Irene was smirking, she just knew it.
Another crackle of lightning echoed. Miria gritted her teeth and reached out into the Force. Show me.
It burst into blinding light in her consciousness, the sensation of her aunt and uncle close by and the rest of the family at a distance. Irene was rolling lightning in her hand, Argais poised and ready.
This time when Irene attacked, Miria threw her hand up. The electricity struck her palm, and Miria started to tense with the intention of fighting it.
"Irene is stronger than you, Miria." Argais chided. "Use what you've learned."
Irene was stronger. It was no good to throw her own strength against that impenetrable wall, but if she could use that strength against her aunt…
Don't fight. Claim as my own.
She pulled the lightning inward, cycling it as a circuit through her body. Two fingers on her saber hilt lifted and she directed it out, back at Irene.
"Good. Maintain your focus." Argais' voice was right next to her, and she ducked his saber as it came down. "Open your eyes."
When the lavender eyes snapped open, Miria was moving at top speed. Argais came after her hard, a skilled duelist in his own right. But Irene wasn't one to be left out of a fight, and soon Miria was ducking both her blades as well.
Block, duck, parry, twist. Combat was a dance that Miria had always struggled to keep to the beat of. Today the music found her willing and able, unafraid. The elusive state of battle meditation slipped over her, and she struck with all she had.
"Good girl." Irene grinned, eyes shining.
Good girl. Crosshair’s good girl. He isn't here, they stole him. He was mine!
Miria let out a howl and wrenched into the Force with all her strength, sending both elder fighters flying backwards.
Argais extinguished his blade and held his hand up. "That's enough, Miria."
His niece sank to one knee, breathing sharp. Irene put her sabers on her hips and sat up. "Miri?"
"He was mine." She whispered, dropping her saber and putting both hands in the dirt. Grounding, centering herself to the planet of her birth. "I'm sorry, Aunt Irene. I… lost my temper."
"One hell of a Force pulse. You'll learn to use it on purpose." Irene smiled. "You're fine, ad'ika. You wanna tell us what happened?"
Miria slowly stood back up. "... no."
She walked to the house, leaving her saber in the dirt behind her. Omega and Annalise reaching for her. Wrecker, gentle giant that he was, put hands on both their shoulders. He didn't totally understand what was going on with Miria, but he knew that look on her face. "Give her a minute."
Miria dragged herself to her room stiffly and dropped to her knees beside the bed, putting her head on the mattress.
She'd been afraid of this, of losing control. Of hurting someone… Why did it all have to keep coming back to violence and pain? All she'd ever wanted in her life was peace; a life filled with gentle laughter and love. What was the Force thinking, choosing her life to mark the end of the very Empire that had stolen all she wanted to live for?
"Crosshair…" She croaked softly. She needed her guiding star right now. Something to keep her heart where it belonged, something that could stop that nightmare vision Vader had shown her from happening. "Crosshair… Crosshair…"
Every repetition of his name crumpled her shoulders in further, until her tears flowed like rainfall and the anger she tried so hard to accept bled from her figure. She let herself feel all of it, the agony and hatred alongside the sorrow and fear. The salt stung her eyes, lulling them closed when she'd cried and screamed herself out into her mattress.
I was yours, and you were mine. Crosshair… Crosshair… Crosshair…
"Crosshair."
The room was dark, devoid of any personal affects or warmth. The spindly soldier lay in his bunk, eyes closed. Miria took a step closer, eyes lingering on his face. When she reached the bed, she leaned over and cupped his cheek in her hand. He stirred faintly, making a tiny grumble.
"... Jedi."
"No. Not anymore." She whispered, leaning closer. "I left that behind."
When her forehead touched his, his eyes opened slowly. "... why?" He breathed.
"For you. Always for you." She smiled. "The best man in the galaxy."
When her lips touched his, his hand moved to the back of her neck and held her to him. "This is a dream."
"Perhaps. But do you care?" Miria let him pull her into the bunk, settling herself into his arms.
"No."
"Nor do I." She kissed Crosshair slowly, patiently. "I can't care about anything but what you and I will build. It will be mine. You will be mine… and I have always been yours."
"Mine." His hands gripped her hips tightly, like he couldn't bear to let her escape.
"Mine." She nodded. "Come back to me, Crosshair. I gave you a choice, on Kamino. But it's not too late to make another one. Tell me you love me."
"Miria…"
"Miria?" Aram’s voice and a knock on the door snapped the dozing woman on her knees. Her tired head lifted, eyes red and cheeks salt-slick.
"... are your parents alright?" She rasped.
"Yeah. Just some bruises." He eased in and put a hand on her shoulder. "Are you?"
"I… will be." She closed her eyes. "I just… want to go home."
"You'll get there. I know it." He pulled her into a hug, and she leaned in.
I’ll find you, love. If it’s the last thing I ever do. That's my choice.
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