#as if the one before it didnt result in paralysis that lasted over an hour

[the-mandalorian-clone-lover]

Ranting

[eagesoldartblog]

Loveless Glasses 

What was Valentine's Day, but a way to monetize a holiday primarily based around affection and joy around lovers? Or not. Vivi muses, drumming her fingers against the leather seat. Whatever it was, Vivi didn’t celebrate it. Hell, she didn’t start until a few years ago, and even then it was minimal at best. Minimal being- she bought all the candy she could get February 15th and snack for the rest of the month while listening to podcasts around various whatzahavits and reading strange textbooks in her spare time.

Arthur, on the other hand, was much different. Vivi couldn't wrap her head around that fact. At first, she didn't even notice it, but leading up to it, Arthur was slowly changing out the colors of his outfit into light pinks and reds. Then on the eve of the mediocre holiday, he would use his spare time to make them-... her gifts for the day. Last year he spent the entire week making her a custom leather bound book, going as far as to take a class on book binding, just for that! … Not that she didn't appreciate it, no, she was stunned beyond belief and wanted to do something for him as well. But… this behavior was startling obvious when they spent a majority of their time cramped in the van. She glances over her shoulder, watching Mystery snooze in a ball on one of her spare hoodies, unaware of Arthur’s persistent work. Then again, he may have purposefully started to drown it out. Glancing back over at him, her eyes fall to the many, many cans scattered around him. So unaware and oblivious to her watching him for the upteenth time that week. 

Don’t get her wrong, she loves road trips, and she loves catching surprises when they were still in development. Spending time with certain people and having a glorified sleep over over the course of a month, or week. Even better when she is so completely aware as to why they’re so excited about whatever they’re hiding from her. Vivi never let them know that she did. And she loved how their eyes would light up and the joy that went into it. But this?

She didn’t love this. Didn’t love how he stayed up all night working and scouring his computer for nonexistent clues, and now he hardly sleeps more than an hour per night - especially now due to the fact that he’s tinkering with a pair of sunglasses.. 

Pink, a sharp magenta.

Hesitantly, Vivi brushes her fingers against the wire of her black ones. Those pink ones broke last week, and she was more than happy to forget about them- she didn't even know where she got it, much less why she wore it- and instead being content with these raggedly black ones. They had a charm to them. But no matter what she said, Arthur insisted. Reluctantly she handed them over for him to start blueprinting and getting to work… Said he can add something that allows her to spot more spiritual entities.

Watching this? She wished she simply threw them out. Nonetheless, her focus reverts back to Arthur. To his hunched back and his stained and dirtied vest that Arthur always cared about. He always got fussy over it, 

Something is wrong here. It shouldn’t be going this way. It shouldn’t.

The thoughts had been repeating in the back of her head ever since this road trip started. Getting louder and more persistent to the point where Vivi couldn’t ignore it. And despite that, she didn't act on it by Arthurs request.

Crawling over the seats, she hops onto the lower deck She should have put a stop to this a long fucking time ago. Her black rimmed glasses slip from off her nose and clatters to the floor, but Vivi doesn’t notice, even when it cracks and a lense pops from under her foot.

The van shifts and rocks from the sudden weight change, finally popping the little Buble Arthur was trapped in, and his brain flicker with dizziness when he looks back at her. Evident by how his head waved and he gripped the ground. 

For some reason, Vivi freezes. Her sleep ridden brain skidding to a stop like a deer in headlights, and it didn’t provide a proper response until Arthurs expression changes. For the first time in what seems like months, the corners of his mouth draw up, and he smiles at her, “Hey Vi.. Happy Valentines da..”

That was enough. Cogs turning in her head and the sound drowns him out because Vivi isn't able to hear him past the rising ring. Built up emotion suppressed so heavily Vivi couldn’t distinguish what it was made of. But the ugly mix of steam powers her body forth, feet so heavy that she was almost stomping. That is until he’s watching her with alarm, staring up at her with an expression of confusion decorating his face.

Over her shoulder, Vivi can hear Mystery yawn. Jump over the cushions, and she can feel like piercing stare drive into her shoulder. If she was any less confused, and tired, she would send the white dog a reassuring smile. 

But she wasn’t. In a fashion that was far too dramatic- even for her- she falls to her knees, forehead bouncing and hitting his shoulder. 

“Viv’?” He tosses his lap top aside and Vivi resist the urge to spit at it. Instead half focusing on the alarm evident in his eyes. When Vivi doesn’t respond, only sinking in closer, it occurs to him. Arthur grips one of her arms gently and loops his metal one. He knew why. Didn’t need an explanation for her sudden shift in attitude. 

Why? She’s tired. Vivi’s really, really fucking tired, hasn’t slept in maybe two days and now the flood gates of thought have opened and allowed her impulsiveness to bleed even more into the box of clarity and action. 

It was nothing compared to Arthur, but her head screams and rings and everywhere she looked it was spinning and so blurry and yet falling asleep meant being victim to some panic inducing sleep paralysis or the worry that Arthur would push it too far. The fear and stress was immense.

And every night, Arthur would be there when she tossed and turned. Came to the bark and call from Mystery who often realized when that would occur. Arthur cared, and he loved her. He didn’t need some shitting holiday to express it, and she knew that. He would also give the world to her if given the chance, even if it meant he would die. He was so much better than her in that regard, he actually cares for his friends. He-

Arthur’s lifting her the smallest bit, holding her against his chest with mild difficulty and extreme caution, before plopping her down and rearranging her onto their- her bed. The thought pokes and prods and stabs through her brain, but she couldn’t even come up with a proper reason for feeling this dead. Arthur was suffering, not her!

She knew that. But with it, she only can make out the thrum of something distorted and wrong in her head. Knots and ribbons of wrongness tangled in horrific messes. 

Arthur fluffs the pillow under her head and reaches over to snags a folded, knitted blanket adorning primarily yellow and white and- clarity rings through again and Vivi’s mind focus’s on that blanket because she made that for him, why is he- drapes it over her. Gingerly tucking it under her, like a child. 

For a single second golden meets bluet, and Arthur gives her his best smile. 

Only to try and leap back. Vivi’s arms shot up, fingers tightly lacing behind his back. A yelp gets lodged in his throat as she rips him down against her. Much to his surprise, he’s now laying completely on top of her. Arthur blinks blankly and tries to snag a handle on anything to pull him up until Vivi rolls them both over and he is next to her. A blanket- his blanket- hurriedly being thrown over his side and in that moment he realizes what she's doing, but a bit too late. 

Arthur clears his throat, “Vivi-”

“Shut up, I don’t care,” She hisses in response, burying her face against his chest to keep him steady... at least that's one part of the reason, the other part being that she couldn't stand this part of herself and didnt want him to bear witness, “I don't care about this person you’re after. Please, just- fucking stop for one night..” Too late…

Arthur’s body stiffens, the metallic arm is pinned under her side and the other one lowers to hug her. Murmurs something illegible into her hair. “I.. Vivi, I - I have to find him.. F-for you-” 

A fit convulses through her and she tightens her hold, she glares harder into his shirt, not caring about the wet drops of tears wetting it now. Instead, “Don’t do it for me then. I would want more than anything in the entire fuckin’ world for you to stop all of this.” 

“I can’t-” 

Vivi grits her teeth, imaginary steam burning her lungs, “You won't be able to find them if you’re dying, Artie. Wh-what then?” She asks, her voice quivering from frustration- As the ball in her chest fights and jumps to leap out of her chest in the form of sobs and pain and screams instead of the cold determination and sternness she needed. Instead, her shoulders shake and her hug tightens. 

Arthur sputters the smallest bit, before his hand is stroking through her hair, maybe having given up on even debating it. 

But oh no, that wouldn’t be enough for her, would it?

“Wha- who is this guy..?” Vivi chokes out, already able to recite what Arthur would say next. Her boyfriend. A man with purple hair. Someone so tall you would be able to spot him in every crowd. A man with a smile so sweet and a scent so spicy he’d made your heart melt with just one.

After a few moments of silence, He says his name, and she doesn’t hear it. Nothing from those inaudible syllables makes a difference in her mind besides allowing the floodgates to flow faster and the cogs to turn harder. The results crashing against her eyelids, and soaking through. Running along her face and her body shudders and curls and Arthur doesn't stop holding her. 

She's so selfish… Vivi hasn’t ever deserved him… nothing she’s done or will do can truly make up for everything that Arthur has given her and that one thought hurts. It hurts, and cuts and the ache is so strong

“D-did-...” her mouth is moving faster than her thoughts can collect, rampaging through a weakened filter that was too hard to reinforce, one burning question she always forced herself to shove down, no matter what, “did you love him... ?” 

With that one question, Arthur’s body stiffens like he was hit by a wall of bricks, shoulders tight and the fingers half buried in her hair halt and nearly grip, “Is that why you keep- why you keep searching…?”  

She's such an asshole, why now? Why on his favorite fucking holiday did you decide to have this breakdown?

Silence fills the van. Mind for the laptop’s fan’s blasting and the scratching of Mystery’s nails against the floor as he tries to plug it in the way he always did. Except for Arthurs stilted and shuddering breath and his all too quick heartbeat thumping away at his ribcage. Save for the swirling thoughts that fill her mind and soul and makes each beat of her own feel like earthquakes and lightning striking her arms and legs and bruising her all over. 

Silence. That is until Arthur takes a deep breath, and nestles her close, lips pressed to his forehead as he whispers, “I do.. But I love.. I love you too, I love you both…” 

They stay there. Until no light is shining in any part of the small space. Until Mystery is snuggling up to her legs and snoring. 

Vivi doesn’t let go.

But in the morning, she wakes up to click-clacking and a gift box beside her pillow.

And nothing in her heart. 

[webmuch]

Cupping Therapy For Your Face – Vacuum To Get Glowing Skin

What is cupping all about that everyone has been talking about lately?? To be honest I had heard of cupping therapy but only researched about it when I came across the famous VJ, Bani J’s Instagram account. She recently shared a picture of herself undergoing the Chinese cupping therapy. I got scared at first but when I read more about the ancient eastern medicine practice, I understood how it has helped so many people since. Check out what Bani J had to say about the cupping therapy and read on to learn all about why facial cupping should be a part of your beauty routine.

You look at someone and judge them. Before you even realise you're doing it, before you even realise it's done- it's so innate the programming. ___________________________________________ People that train, athletes, competitive or not, go through a lot of pain on a daily basis. Some internal, some external. It's like muscle warfare, mental warfare – yes one more rep pick it the fuck up.. And then there's all the stuff life likes to throw at you. The good, the beautiful, the love that gets you so high you just want to bury yourself in it, the bad and then the really really fucked up shit that makes you feel you have absolutely no control and where was that fucking thing we like to call 'the point' in all of this to begin with? ____________________________________________ So yes, the notorious ever changing 'point', Don't always assume or think it's all for vanity. Don't assume just because you see the 6pack abs that they were easily obtained, that life is so easy for them, don't think just because you see the smiles and hear the laughter that it didn't take a 90 degree trek and a hell of a horrifying trudge to get to that point. This is the problem with social media these days. It's one highlight reel after the other. Well, here's my highlight, I'm in pain. Physical, emotional and spiritual. I'm also smiling and deliriously in love. It's been a hard week and some of y'all know my moms been sick and she's gotten sicker. And it sucks balls. So yeah. Struggle town population +1 for sure. Not here to crib about it, here to let you know everyone is struggling. Feel the love yourself and then try and see people through it with that Love. It's the most we can do. That's all ❤️ ______________________________________________ PS: this Chinese cupping therapy is Bomb. Hurts like hell, and you're left with these amazing marks. But ayy.. scar tissue always stronger than regular tissue right? Fun science fact: The spots that are redder than others are where there were bigger deeper knots/ stress/ tension. The skin gets red because of the increase in blood flood, relieving of the pressure built up inside and helps get rid of toxins. Now, I need a nap. Gday!

A post shared by ⚡Lady RocknRolla ⚡ (@banij) on May 24, 2017 at 1:21am PDT

Cupping therapy is an ancient form of alternative medicine in which a therapist puts special cups on your skin for a few minutes to create suction. People get it done for many purposes, such as to help with pain, inflammation, blood flow, relaxation and as a type of deep-tissue massage. It is said to promote circulation and tension relief, however facial cupping has an opposite effect visually. Instead of getting bruises the treatment works to increase blood flow and circulation which leaves you with glowing, decongested skin.

Dermatologist’s have said most of the time we get dull skin because of lack of circulation or stimulation under the skin. Unlike the traditional cupping therapy the reason it doesn’t leave bruises on the face is because the cups keep moving, controlling the blood movement which transports toxins away from the surface to be drained through your lymph system. It apparently feels like a vacuum sucking up your skin but it doesn’t hurt. No doubt there will be some redness on your skin but that should fade away within a few hours. They say that the next day after getting this treatment done your skin will feel soft, toned, firm and glowy.

Cupping Therapy For Your Face – Vacuum To Get Glowing Skin

Check out our favourite Farah Dhukai showing us how to do facial cupping with your own home kit below:

INSTANT FACELIFT shrink pores. tighten skin. get rid of acne. heal scars. pretty much achieve perfect skin. HOW??? Go on amazon. Get a cupping kit ($25). change your life. Ive been doing this for the last little while and ive had so many ppl ask if ive had filler in my face and tbh this is alllll ive been doing. its LIFE changing. ☕️This is DRY CUPPING (hijama). It “boosts”ur cardiovascular system and gets your blood circulating. Increased blood flow = HEALTHY “PERFECT” skin! It also reduces inflammation (acne) and activates lymphatic drainage = reduce puffiness, lifts/tightens, removes dark circles ALL YOU NEED: ✅Facial Cups – I got mine from LURE ✅Any oil – I used Chia oil ‼️#1 RULE – ALWAYS KEEP THE CUPS MOVING OTHERWISE YOU WILL BRUISE. apply oil to CLEAN face -I use the pink exfoliator to gently massage the oil all over I do my brows and lips 1st with the small cups – gently squeeze to get suction + “stick” where u want to treat, immediately release and do it again. DO NOT GO ON YOUR EYELID or under eyes. Temple, and brow bone only. I do the same to my lips, but after im done, i run the suction along my lips to get a nice plump Use the larger cups for cheekbones, forehead +jaw/neck .Pinch to get suction and move in an upwards motion. Do this a couple times. Your face WILL turn red. This is your blood circulating. Its a good thing. You can see once im done my left side, it looks MUCH TIGHTER and more LIFTED than my right. The results are instant!! Once youre done both sides, move the cup in circular motions to finish ⏰Do this for 5 mins, 2-3 times a week PS. in case you didnt notice..i was going thru a breakout Cupping is THE BEST when you have acne. I had a big videoshoot 2 days after i filmed this and my acne was literally GONE from doing this ALONE. As “uncomfortable” as it is to show flawed skin in the "perfect instagram world", I wanted to show you that im not perfect. "Perfect” skin is a process, and even if ur going thru a "bad skin day", you can take steps to make it better. It always gets better. In any situation (skin and life)⭐️ Tag a friend you'd cup with Disclaimer: test cup 1st

A post shared by Farah D (@farahdhukai) on Apr 20, 2017 at 7:44pm PDT

  There are plenty of at-home kits available in the market and online but if you are not familiar with how it is done exactly, we suggest getting your first treatment done from a professional. This vacuum technique has been used for years to treat acne, double chin, wrinkles and saggy skin. Keep reading to know all the benefits of using the cupping therapy for your face:

Boosts circulation A healthy skin depends on proper blood circulation. Also, this stimulates the cells that produce collagen, which firm the skin.

Rejuvenates skin

Better nutrition brought to the skin helps bring a young glow. Any beauty products used post-treatment are absorbed better and are more effective.

Reduces wrinkles

The suction motion reduces the visible fine lines, wrinkles, and scarring because of injuries or acne. The skin will also looks plumper. The connecting tissue under the skin is stimulated so that it heals and reduces smile and laugh lines.

Therapeutic Benefits

Facial cupping is helpful to patients suffering from a range of health related problems with the head and neck area without the need for more extensive treatments. They are: Sinus infections, headache, facial paralysis and earaches.

Procedure

A facial cupping session typically lasts for about 30 minutes. First of all you skin need to be cleaned properly and then you can apply any therapeutic oils such coconut, jojoba or any other essential oil according to your preference. First gently massage your face and then being the cupping. Keep the cups moving continuously don’t spend too long on one area and don’t apply too much pressure either. You want to gently use the vacuum motion all around the face.

Side effects?

The procedure has side effects, say experts. Firstly, the pressure for the vacuum should be controlled and monitored according to skin type, texture and condition. If used with too much pressure for too long, it can cause bruising, tenderness and swelling. Frequent use can also cause skin laxity by damaging the underlying elastic fibres and collagen.

Other than your face if you have cellulite on your legs, thighs, hips area cupping therapy can help reduce them: Cellulite, which is basically fat deposits just beneath the skin along with a lot of collagen. It can be effectively broken down with vacuum pressure. Many people use this treatment for cellulite reduction and to make your skin firm.

( Also read: How To Get Rid Of Cellulite To Be Summer Ready )

The post Cupping Therapy For Your Face – Vacuum To Get Glowing Skin appeared first on Posherry.

from Cupping Therapy For Your Face – Vacuum To Get Glowing Skin

[gooeyguy]

email to my teacher (warning alot of personal stuff)

Hey so, sorry to email you out of nowhere like this? But i feel like maybe im finally at a point where i can explain more thoroughly why im having trouble with school or just succeeding in general. I think its really important that i tell you some of this junk because theres a chance it might make the rest of the year easier for you and me.

I wanted to start off with apologizing for all the trouble ive caused you throughout the year with the annoying comments, disruptions and backtalk.  And most of all the terrible ability i have with doing and turning in work.

This email is mostly to explain my situation and reasoning for acting/struggling the way i have been (not to annoy you or be sarcastic).

Alright so, if you havent noticed i struggle with some things and one of them i never really bring up is ptsd. I have been diagnosed and im hoping to enlighten you on my specific issues with it, (everything i mention will apply to me as to make it less confusing from here on)

 I have a specific type of ptsd called Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD; also known as complex trauma) This type of ptsd is different in that it results from repetitive, prolonged trauma. My causes for being diagnosed are specifically natural-detachment from my mother and physical/sexual abuse growing up and some other things im not going to mention.

My side effects from this are,

Attachment – "problems with relationship boundaries, lack of trust, social isolation, difficulty perceiving and responding to other's emotional states, and lack of empathy"

This is strongly linked to my reactive attachment disorder and explains alot to why i am the way i am. Heres a link to a website http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/mental-health-reactive-attachment-disorder#1 that explains a bit of what it is so that i do not have to make this already long email that much longer, i would also really appreciate it if you read even just a little.

I have an extreme lack of trust in others and am constantly doubting myself, there is not a second of the day where i dont think im a horrible person, i could be doing better, im disgusting to look at ect. The social isolation is a big problem for me, because im “this way” i feel that bothering others with my presence/problems/medical difficulties ect. is not necessary and for the better. Hence why i refrain from asking when i really need help, im scared to bother you. I dont want to make you angry and i know you and mrs mumford are already so stressed by the time my bell starts.

Biology – "sensory-motor developmental dysfunction, sensory-integration difficulties, somatization, and increased medical problems"

This ties into my Fibromyalgia and eds which ill explain more about after i go through ptsd. Its all kind of one big mixed bag of disorders that tie together and make me the way i am.

Affect or emotional regulation – "poor affect regulation, difficulty identifying and expressing emotions and internal states, and difficulties communicating needs, wants, and wishes"

Like i talked about before i feel extremely useless and annoying when asking for help or even talking about the things i enjoy. And when trying to explain my difficulties i stop midsentence or forget words/forget what my problem is and it becomes frustrating.

Dissociation – "amnesia, depersonalization, discrete states of consciousness with discrete memories, affect, and functioning, and impaired memory for state-based events"

THIS is what i blame for never being able to remember anything. With fibromyalgia i have whats called “brain fog” and with the constant dream like state im in because of dissociation it makes my memory absolutely terrible. Remembering your names in class took me until almost 3rd quarter and it was utterly embarrassing(i still forget sometimes), its even more embarrassing when i forget basic buttons on the calculator and have to ask in front of everyone looking like an idiot.Or when i try to shout out an answer in class and it comes out gibberish because my mind is everywhere all at once, Or when we have a test on the formula we learned a week ago, and of course my mind draws a blank. I cant remember, and it makes me so frustrated with myself that i want to break down right there in class. It renders me doing weird things too, like the other day i put the icecream in the bread drawer, and on sunday i woke up and got ready for school. Theres alot of other things i could say but its as if fibro is laughing in my face.

 Dissociation in my own words is feeling like nothing is real, things dont feel like they happened. What does feel real is the pain/feeling in my body, i am a very anxious and jumpy person so im very sensitive to loud sounds/touch/weather and certain (triggering)  talk among students. And yet i still feel in a daze,My vision will sometimes blur and i am very prone to falling/accidents, staying focused can be extremely frustrating because my brain feels like a cloud, its almost uncontrollable like a dream. I dont think anyone can control those very much so i think its a good example.

Behavioural control – "problems with impulse control, aggression, pathological self-soothing, and sleep problems"

Im pretty okay with impulses, i of course have alot of very impulsive thoughts but i am good at controlling them id say, same with aggression but i very much so struggle with sleep problems because of nightmares from ptsd and chronic pain from fibro, i have not been diagnosed with insomnia but im sure i fit the criteria im just really bad at opening up with doctors/people ect.

These are just a couple more symptoms to help explain,

Cognition – "difficulty regulating attention, problems with a variety of "executive functions" such as planning, judgement, initiation, use of materials, and self-monitoring, difficulty processing new information, difficulty focusing and completing tasks, poor object constancy, problems with "cause-effect" thinking, and language developmental problems such as a gap between receptive and expressive communication abilities."

Self-concept – "fragmented and disconnected autobiographical narrative, disturbed body image, low self-esteem, excessive shame, and negative internal working models of self".

Alterations in relations with others, including isolation and withdrawal, persistent distrust, a repeated search for a rescuer, disruption in intimate relationships and repeated failures of self-protection.

Loss of, or changes in, one's system of meanings, which may include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair.

Variations in consciousness, including forgetting traumatic events (i.e., psychogenic amnesia), reliving experiences (either in the form of intrusive PTSD symptoms or in ruminative preoccupation), or having episodes of dissociation.

Changes in self-perception, such as a chronic and pervasive sense of helplessness, paralysis of initiative, shame, guilt, self-blame, a sense of defilement or stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings

Now that im done explaining the ptsd, Fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia is a chronic pain disorder that my doctor believes to be linked to my other disorders, Fibromyalgia has to do with the senses we as humans all have, feeling, hearing, taste, and sight. The difference between someone with fibro and an average healthy person is lets say theres a knob for how strong each of these senses are, so imagine someone taking all those knobs and turning them all the way up to max sensitivity. Youd think oh cool youre like a super hero (like my sister likes to say) but no its the exact opposite, it does not benefit me whatsoever. Feeling, paired with ehlers danlos syndrome both my joints and my muscles are constantly in pain and some days ill have what you call a “flare up” which is where getting out of bed usually isnt an option for my body, i cannot remember the last time i didnt feel at least a dull ache in my head, i get migraines at least once everyday and unfortunately i get nauseous so i dont eat very much . Almost everything is irritating to my skin, a simple light rub of my finger on the top of my forearm is irritating and raw feeling (like ive been sitting there rubbing the same spot for hours) /Writing is over all painful, including typing as well/

If youve ever woken up in the morning with sore muscles from pushing yourself too hard the day before,that is how the muscles in my body feel, if you press on them they ache, and sting/burn when i use them. painful touch for most of my body paired with constant anxiety of getting bumped into/touched is stressful and tiring. On a good day my pain scale is a 5 from 1-10 but thats if im really lucky.

Then theres the weather, if im too hot and i start to sweat, the sweat stings my skin and i end up going into a frenzy of scratching and agony.  If its too cold my joints will start to lock up and become painful, its like they freeze and when i move them it feels like im shattering ice in my hand mixed with dull muscle ache. If its a good temperature theres still the feeling and i swear, the sound i can hear of my joints grinding together like two pieces of rubber being rubbed against eachother slowly.

Hearing is also bad, loud sounds are very irritating to my ears and will cause my migraine to get worse.(Talking too loud)Other irritating sounds, paper rubbing against paper roughly making that blblblb sound, high pitched noises of any loudness, squeaks, repetitive beeps ect.

Sight wise turning on lights abruptly is painful and makes my migraine worse, any bright light in general.

Taste doesnt really matter so i wont mention, but because these knobs are turned full blast it means the nerves and pain receptors in my body are being over worked constantly by my brain

And my brain thinks its doing its job by constantly acting like ive been running triathalons.

The recollection of pain comes in avalanches of distress for me. I usually experience the intense turmoil of fibromyalgia in the winter, or whenever cold fronts shatter the air and its frail victims. My limbs cannot contain the strength possible to function during those cold spells. Fibromyalgia’s lengthy sentence comes and goes for some, but, as a teenager, it’s disheartening. For the rest of my life, I will never be able to remember living without every waking moment marked by pain.

The abnormality of fibro weighs on my shoulders when I’m asleep, awake, or anywhere inbetween. I wake up at 4:30 each morning in order to be shuffling around by 6:20 a.m. The heaviness of my body pulls me down and pains me as I take a shower, put on my clothes, and put my small backpack on my shoulder to head out to school. Any sense of touch creates extreme levels of pain for me. Touching my arm, poking my leg, and brushing against my back hurt as much as twisting my ankle. My distraught reaction is a lot like a dog crying in pain and distrust after you accidentally step on its paw. Because im always in pain im always right next to the emotional breaking point, im always on the verge of tears. The smallest things can make me break down.

The pain prohibits me from being a teenager. Thanks to fibro, I cannot dress up in my favorite clothes and be what you call “Extra” everyday as i so much wish to be during the winter. My hands are crooked and shake too much usually to apply makeup. I struggle with applying eyeliner, because my hands hurt too much wrapped around a brush. The uncomfortable school chairs make me weep when I return home, because they destroy my concentration, forcing me to focus on the overwhelming pain I feel. I used to excel in school, but now, I can barely think fast enough, and come off as ditzy. I feel like I’m constantly struggling to maintain the fragments of my intelligence I lost due to fibro medication and fibromyalgia itself.

My GPA, became my ball and chain in school, rather than an accomplishment worth sharing. During the year, my schedule is dictated by the weather. Cold weather causes agonizing, excruciating pain that races down my spine and branches through my limbs. If a cold front passes, rain falls, snow falls, or temperatures drop, I freeze like the Tin Man, except there isn’t any oil to move my joints. The way I get sleep should be considered a torture method. Many people feel refreshed or renewed when they wake up after 8 hours, but I feel completely restless and exhausted. And thats if the nightmares from the PTSD dont interrupt. I toss and turn for hours in pain, because the pain signals interrupt the sleep cycle. I cry intensely whenever I think of sleep; school usually means a lack of sleep, but I am further deprived without choice. My biological system cannot allow me to rest, and continues to tense my muscles in a constant state of flight or fight.

With most schools starting at 8 a.m., my body struggles to run on 8 hours of sleep (which really feels like two). The exhaustion prevents me from hanging out with some of my closest friends. In the early stages of having fibromyalgia, I used to be able to do school clubs, hang out with my best friend, and go to cons with my friends often. Now, I spend my time huddled down, trying to make up for the nights of lost sleep. The lack of sleep and the endless pain contribute to extreme depression. And to keep my mood relatively happy i act like a goose in school with friends which doesnt do me good with teachers, I do it to not break down and let myself get too low around others because i know id regret embarrassing myself like that more than anything. The pain yearns for my thoughts to leap toward suicidal thoughts, and I was obsessed with death for years and still am. There was a time when I searched for ways to end my life, because nobody could help me and I couldn’t face living the rest of my life knowing that I’ll always be in pain. I still have these thoughts, and I believe I always will as long as I emit pain. Hence why i was in the hospital for a week recently, the hopelessness and embarrassment is dragging me down. The whole idea of having fibromyalgia embarrasses me. I’m embarrassed that I am constantly being called crippled, disabled, or chronically ill.Or worse not being noticed at all while struggling. I’m embarrassed that fibromyalgia makes me feel like I’m 67 instead of 16. I’m embarrassed that I will never be able to be an artsy beat poet like Patti Smith, or a rock ‘n’ roll guitarist like Keith Richards.

So i think thats as much as i can cover for you right now with my two of my biggest problems , im extremely exhausted and im not joking when i say my fingers feel like they are gonna fall off haha.  

Im terribly sorry for how long this email is but i think i got most everything with these two topics in there, also dont feel obliged to reply to this, im already embarrassed i even wrote all this down (terribly).

Quick thing i would like to say before i end the email, with all respect i am not looking for sympathy in any way. I am simply stating the way i am  in hopes that if you understand itll make things less stressful for me and you. So dont feel like you have to do anything for me.  

Thankyou for reading if you got this far, really. (btw forwarding this to Mrs. m******d is totally okay with me)