#aside from having sleep apnea and the joy of not needing a cpap machine

[gallusrostromegalus]

I am constantly procrastinating working on my original fic by writing fanfic. Any advice for how to refocus and finish my novel?

Well. The novel probably needs a nap.

Procrastinating is a symptom that something is preventing you from doing the thing you "should" be doing. Most of the time it's an unrelated, but actually higher priority task like resting after an illness (society is fucking lying about anything else being more important) or filing your taxes (actually this one is pretty important).

...but if you're procrastinating on one creative project with another creative project, you're not procrastinating: something about the novel is off right now, the fanfic is more appealing to you.

Consider the following:

You may be writing fic because it brings you more joy than the novel. If you really want to get back to the novel, figure out what would make working on it more enjoyable. Engagement from a beta-editor? Skipping this really boring scene and coming back to it later? Adding more smut?

You may also be writing fic because it's got a lower spoon coat than the novel and you need to conserve your spoons right now. Any extra stress in your life? Moving? Toothache? Recovering from Covid? Annoying roommate? Sick family member? It's an election year? ANY of those could soak up extra spoons and make your novel too expensive for your spoons budget. Let it take a nap, and come back when you're feeling better.

You may be sharpening your artistic skills on a lower-stakes project before going back to the novel. This is pretty normal- even Michaelangelo took breaks to work on other pieces while sculpting The David, both for a change of pace and so he could try something out without fucking up the big block.

Fortunately, you're writing, so you can always try writing the challenging scene a dozen times in different docs or save the parts that were good but don't not in a spare parts bucket doc.

Or keep working on that fic, it's helping you learn on a subconscious level.

You don't love the novel right now. This is alright. This is usually temporary, and the solution is the same- put it aside and work on something else.

Maybe you are just bored of the novel. That's fine and normal, you just save all the documents to your hard drive and come back later. When the fic inevitably gets boring too, you'll come back to the novel and either go "oh hey this kicks ass!" And return to it with renewed enthusiasm.

...Or you'll come back to it and go "oh. This is actually a piece of shit" And that's okay too, because there's nothing more useless than polishing a turd, but that turd is still valuable as compost. You learned things writing it, and you can still rifle through the novel for good lines or scenes or turns of phrase and put those in your spare parts doc to ferment into The Good Shit in the back of your mind.

HOWEVER:

If you are experiencing a different phenomenon wherein you are actively distressed while writing the fic- either out of misplaced guilt, or the fic isn't actually fun you just feel compelled to do something, or absolutely every creative endeavor is stressing you out, you may be experiencing a serious mental or physical health issue and you should see your GP or a specialist ASAP. Pain is an indicator that something is wrong. Do not ignore your body's warning light.

That sounds really dramatic and hyperbolic but realizing I was not enjoying ANY creative work was the symptom that finally got me to sit down and go "huh. All these random pains, irregular sleep cycle, frequent migraines and weird bouts of vertigo aren't normal either, I should get this looked at." And it turned out I had dangerously low blood oxygen at night from undiagnosed sleep apnea. I have a CPAP machine now and it's AMAZING.

I really hope this is regular artistic shuffle and not a serious health concern, but if you're experiencing creative stress AND a bunch of other shit, it may be serious.

[izzy-izzard]

Suffocating in my sleep: losing my mind

I just need to get my thoughts down on paper. Some quick background info, I’m 26 years old, 187cm and weigh 101kg. Whether my weight is part of the problem or a side effect, I’m not sure. So I was diagnosed with sleep apnea. I say I’m not sure if my weight is the problem because this started when I was a teenager and quite lean. I don’t so much as snore as I choke and gasp for air in my sleep. I was oblivious to this, aside from comments from my family, friends at sleepovers, and occasionally waking up from nightmares where I was suffocating in my dreams.  Doctors said it had to do with my adenoids and that I would grow out of it. I never did. I didn’t really understand the problem, but I knew I was tired. Like all the time. I thought it was just part of being a teenager. My grades and creative ability declined through high school, but I was able to still get into a good university. I honestly don’t know how I worked full time and managed to complete my degree. I could hardly do the readings without falling asleep, could barely stay conscious during lectures. Again, I thought I was just overworked. I used to love writing. I would write all the time. Pages and pages a day, I mean you couldn’t stop me. Drawing too! I could spend hours doodling. Now? Nothing. I sit down to write like I used to, and I can’t focus. I either fall asleep at my keyboard or hate what little I manage to write. My confidence is shot, I feel like I’m not smart enough to come up with a decent plot. I thought I was just a bad writer. Recently my sister and I went on a trip. We shared an air bnb and she could hear me sleeping. She voiced her concerns. We looked into it online, and for the first time I read up on the dangers of sleep apnea. I nearly cried. Everything I read sounded terribly familiar. I was relieved to know that there was actually something wrong with me. For years I have been exhausted, thinking that this was just how life was. I thought that I just wasn’t strong enough, disciplined enough. That falling asleep in the middle of the day was just me being lazy. 

Now that I finally have a job with health care, I found a sleep lab near me. I took another sleep test to confirm what I knew. I still had sleep apnea, and it was worse than ever. I had mirco-wakings 54 times an hour. My breathing stopped for 69 seconds on average sometimes. The oxygen levels in my blood dropped from 90% to close to 70%. Staring at the paper of my test results, I couldn’t believe how bad it was.

I am currently on week 2 of my CPAP treatment, using a machine to help me breathe while I sleep. However, the effects have been minimal. I am really disappointed. I thought I had found the answer to my problems. But I’m still tired all day, but now I’m getting headaches from problems with air pressure from the machine.  

I think I might need a new mask. One that covers my mouth too. I believe my adenoids are still the problem. I can’t really breathe through my nose, and when I do it’s rarely through both nostrils. I plan on going in to see my sleep doctor tomorrow, and I am just praying he can help me. I’ve been tired for almost 10 years. I just want to be normal. I just want to be happy again. To find joy in the things I used to. I want to be able to make it through the day with my eyes open. I want to be able to ride the bus without passing out and missing my stop. Almost every problem I have is caused by my lack of sleep. My depression, my lack of creativity, my weight game, my general lack of energy and motivation.  I cannot stress how important a good night’s sleep is. If this sounds familiar and you think you might have sleep apnea, I beg you, go to a sleep lab and get checked. For those of you who don’t, please don’t take sleep for granted. Turn your phone off an hour before bed. Get a sleep app and have a regular bedtime. Sleep is so godamn important!

I feel like I’m not even alive sometimes. Like I’m living in a haze. I can’t focus. My mind wanders. It feels like my soul is lingering just outside my body, vaguely aware of its movements. All my life I wanted to be an author, and now I can’t bring myself to write anything. Books put me to sleep. Movies and tv shows are hard to follow. Video games take too much effort. Drawing is too hard. Nothing brings me joy. I spend hours just sitting still, watching youtube or facebook videos. Their short length means I don’t need to pay attention so much. I don’t feel smart anymore. I feel like my brain is rotting. Considering the fact that it’s being deprived of oxygen, that makes sense.  I am praying that this treatment works eventually.