#at 19 i really thought things were gunna be better but it was just followed by 2 years of hell in a mental health place 🫠

[slasher-smasher]

16 yrs old

Sinclair Twins x Reader

A huge thank you to the wonderful @thesightstoshowyou for beta reading my mess. I know I just posted the first one, I just have a lot in my head and want to get it down. Thank you for those who are reading, really makes my day. This one is a bit longer. Other parts here: 8 yrs, 19 yrs pt1, 19 pt2\

Warnings: none

Today was a beautiful day. There were no clouds in the bright blue sky, and the trees swished with the caress of an unusually cool breeze that blew through the town of Ambrose.

You were walking toward the station and laughing with friends you made while visiting your Uncle over the summer. Your parents have been fighting more at the most ridiculous things, so you relish the time you get to run away to the busy town.

“There’r drinks at the station we can ‘ave,” you say while wiping the sweat off your forehead.

As your little group enters the blissfully cool garage, you pass your uncle who was currently tucked underneath the body of an off-yellow vehicle.

“Hey Grumps, can we git some soda from the cooler?” You squat down next to him so you can hear him better.

“Sure, don’t care,” the muffled grumble replied, “Er, that Sinclair boy left gifts for ya’ earlier. Sumthin’ ‘bout yer birthday. It’s in my office.” You stand with a puzzled look on your face.

“Sinclair boy? No way it was Vinny. He never leaves the museum.” You ponder while walking to the small office that was tucked into the back. Looking at the desk you find the “gifts,” and let out a short laugh. One was of a poorly whittled wooden rabbit. Or, at least, you think it’s a rabbit.

“Oh Lester,” you sigh with a smile on your face. Next was a wax sculpture of a moth. The figure itself was unnerving in the usual Vincent fashion that just made you love it even more. The moth’s wings have the image of a woman’s face. It was a joke from when you embarrassed yourself when hanging out with Vincent in the House of Wax.

You moved some old papers and let out the highest pitched squeal when a large moth fluttered at your face from being disturbed. You tripped over the chair that was behind you. There was no noise but you could see Vincent’s shoulders shake from his place by the piano, his eye shining with amusement.

“Oh shut it! The damn thing tried to jump on my face!” You could feel the blood rush to your cheeks, but you were happy that the normally stoic man was laughing. A voice that sent chills down your spine broke you out of reminiscing.

“Ya gunna pay fer that?”

‘Oh no,’ you panicked as you gathered the gifts and raced out of the room.

You come into the sight of your friends protesting and saying Y/N gave them the drinks. The eldest Sinclair himself leans against a yellow car that looks like he was working on judging by the grease on his coveralls and cheek. His arms are crossed over his chest, pale eyes set in a frown.

“Bo Sinclair, quit bein’ an ass! Ya’ know Grumps lets me ‘ave some drinks.” You stomped right up in front of the young mechanic, clutching the figures to your chest. He was a whole foot taller than you, so the intimidating effect from your friends’ point of view was a bit washed out.

As Bo looked down at your face, then the sculptures.

He straightened and grabbed your jaw in a firm grip with his right hand, rough from the engineering he likes to study.

The touch making a dream you had flash like lightning behind your eyes of the way his hands caressed your skin and how you awoke breathless, angry, and slick.

His lips slid into a smirk that made you want to slap it off…or maybe run your tongue across it.

‘Fuck off hormones!’ you scolded.

“How was I supposed to know they were with you Prince/Princess?” he asked in that condescending way of his. The blood in your cheeks boiled. You would never admit nor understand why this bastard of a man gets under your skin so easily.

“I told you not to call me that,” you gritted out through your teeth not taking your eyes off his blues that now shined with glee. Oh, how he loves revving you up.

Bo was just about to make a retort that would make you want to break his handsome face when your Uncle yells, “Boy! Git the fuck over ‘ere and help me with this tin can. What am I payin’ ya’ fer?”

Bo closes his eyes and growls under his breath. When he opens them, they are a darker shade, the same shade as when he is angry.

“Another time, sweet cheeks,” he winks as he caresses your cheek with his thumb before he letting go and turning to lean over the hood while your uncle is under. He acts as if you two weren’t surrounded by tension so thick you can suffocate on it.

“Yer still on the fucking fan belt? Damn it old man let me do it.”

“Prick,” you huff and turn to your two friends who seemed like they were frozen, “Let’s go, ya’ll. I want ter see them new puppies they got.” The offer of cooing over cute things seems to perk them up and the chatter and laughter resumed as you all exited the garage.

As you leave you can feel the red-hot burn of Bo’s eyes crawling up your legs and body. Mainly, your ass.

‘Nope, not looking.’ You force yourself to face forward, not at the stormy eyes that follow you as you walk to the pet store down the street. You did your best to ignore the tingling on your face where he touched you.

Later, you find yourself lounging on some dusty couch under the House of Wax where Vincent usually works on his art and spends most of his time. You were facing the ceiling, lost in thought, arms draped over the back, legs crossed at the ankles. The candle that Vincent had for a light source bathed your skin in a warm glow. All you could hear was the scrape of a pencil over the paper as Vincent sketched in his book.

You were thinking about something one of your friends said while you were gushing over the tiny puppies.

“Hey, are ya and Bo together?” she had asked while cuddling a wiggling puppy to her chest. You let out a sharp bark of laughter and shook your head violently.

“With that jerk? Hell no. Most of the time I wanna bop him in the nose whenever he opens his mouth.” You giggled as you watched the pup you were giving attention nibble on your fingers.

“Yeh, but ya’ basically grew up wit them Sinclairs and even went ter the funeral. You guys must be close righ’?” asked your other friend. The mention of Trudy and Victor’s funeral made you sad, though it didn’t show on your face.

You had mixed feelings about it. They weren’t the best of parents; God knows you know firsthand with your own. But you were saddened about how it all ended; Trudy getting sick, and poor Dr. Sinclair. Despair, like a black viscous goo consuming every good thing in your life, swallows you up too. They all deserved better.

You remember when you saw Vincent, Bo, and Lester all standing in front of the casket, heads bowed in their black suits. Lester, being at the age of seven, only knew that his Momma and Pa are gone, too young to grasp the concepts of sickness and heartbreak.

Vincent was, as usual, stiff, and with his mask on you couldn’t tell what was going through his mind. You wanted to comfort and embrace them, but what made your heart feel like it was constricted by fishing wire was Bo. His hands were balled into fists, his face pinched like he was going to scream any second. One would think he would start throwing things, but it was his eyes that gave it away. The watery bright blue eyes that were looking at the face of his mother and jailer.

You have never seen them that clear blue before. A dark, stormy ocean seemed to permanently take residence in his eyes, but not that day. You will never understand the relationship the boys had with their parents, the twisted love they had. Hopefully, the neighbors who volunteered to take them in will fill the gaping hole that has been created.

You doubt it.

The scrape of a chair on the floor made you blink. Lifting your head, you watch Vincent get up from the desk and stand in front of a small block of wax that will soon be transformed into a creature born from the man’s dark imagination. His head cocked to the side as if debating what to do. His midnight hair that is getting longer every year brushed over his right shoulder. Getting up from the couch, you groaned at feeling of the small pops when you stretched.

‘God, how long was I zoned out?’ you thought. Walking behind him, you bit into your bottom lip in hesitation. You knew you had a bit of a crush on the quiet and probably emotionally stunted artist. He was so much better to deal with than that bastard of a twin of his.

‘Ah fuck it,’ you thought, then proceeded to wrap your arms around Vincent who stiffened like he’d been electrocuted.

“I never thanked you for the moth. It’s lovely,” you whispered into his shoulder blades as you laid your head on the middle of his back. He was still like a statue and you started to get worried you overstepped, about to let go when you felt him relax and squeeze your fingers once with his soft warm hands, the total opposite of Bo’s. A soft raspy, “Welcome,” could barely be heard.

You let go and step next to him, tilting your head to see his good eye. You always felt naked when that light blue eye was on you. You did not see any expression in them, just a cold emptiness.

“It was a monster of a moth by the way. I nearly escaped death.” You grinned as you saw him roll his eye in exasperation, “Also, Lester is gunna cut his fingers off wit those knives of his. He’s just thirteen. Where is he gettin’ all those damn things?” Vincent just shrugged and picked up some tools from the tray and proceeded to make his next creation. You huffed and walked back to the couch and ungracefully plopped onto it, content to watch him work in silence.

[intoafandom]

Why I like Kevan Miller, Steven Kampfer, Trent Frederic, Torey Krug, Tuukka Rask etc and why I will continue to like them.

(Sorry this is soooo long but it’s the only way I can explain)

So last night I got an anon ask and the person was asking why I like Kevan Miller when he’s a republican and I mentioned how I would make a separate post explaining my reasoning better and now that I have the time and its no longer 3 am, now seems like a good time lol.

So I’m gunna give a backstory about the players above that I mentioned and why a lot of bruinsblr doesn’t like them (so people that may not be aware know the context of why people are upset/dont like them). Most of bruinsblr doesn’t like Miller or Kampfer because they’re republicans. Everyone on bruinsblr is allowed to dislike them if they choose to. I recognize I’m in the minority on this app when I say I like and support Kevan Miller and Steven Kampfer. People on here also don’t like Torey Krug for the same reason and because he follows/followed Trump’s twitter account (since trumps account got deleted, torey now follows the “trump archives” account). People on here don’t like Tuukka anymore because over the summer, during all the blm stuff in the bubble, Tuukka went on tv in the bubble for an interview with a hat that said “Boston police” on it (the interview also aired right after the Bruins Organization posted about how they stand against racism, so people ended up calling Tuukka a racist hypocrite.) Last night, people on here found out that Trent Frederic follows Trump supporters and republicans on social media, which is why he’s losing some fans on this app. There are probably more stories about other players that I’m not aware of as well but these will be the ones I’m focusing on for now.

I am NOT going to start talking about my political opinions or my position on social issues. My account is called IntoAFandom for a REASON. So I can escape the real world and go “into a fandom” and have some peace. That’s why i never reblog or like or post about any real world events or issues. I want my blog to be solely about things, fandoms, and people that I love and care about. I don’t wanna come on my blog and see how a bombing happened or if someone got shot or this president signed this executive order etc etc. i wanna come on my blog and fangirl about Bucky Barnes being a sweetheart with kids or how amazing Matt Grzelcyk is at “tight turns” etc etc. Hence the name “IntoAFandom.”

I’m getting a lot of questions as to why I still support these players and I’ll definitely answer those questions in this post. Just so my mutuals know where I stand on this.

Now obviously it would be super easy for me to just go “well the player is super nice so i dont care about their political views.” And while that’s partially true for me, its not the only reason. For me, the reason is much deeper than that. I’ve never mentioned or talked about or even said it out loud. I touched upon what I’m about to say in that anon ask I got last night, but I’m going to go into detail now. It’s kind of hard to explain and the only way I can describe it is to tell you about my hockey journey up until this point, and specifically the 2018-19 season.

So one day in April in 2018, I was on school vacation and I was very bored. There was literally nothing on tv. However, as I was scrolling through the channels, I saw that a bruins game was on. I had never really watched hockey before in my life and the only experience I could remember having with it was when my mom was obsessed with them in like 2013 and how she set up this whole contraption to try and watch a game when a snowstorm made us lose connection. So with nothing else on the tv, crippling boredom, and being a Massachusetts native, I put the game on. It was literally just starting and the national anthem was about to start. We were playing the leafs lmao and it was game five or six of the series probably. I cant really remember because I didn’t think I would care this much about hockey at the time of watching it. But what I do remember was how CREEPY Tuukka looked😂 He was just standing there alone with a huge spotlight on him, head down, wearing these huge pads and looking straight up terrifying. I literally started laughing because of how creepy he looked. And then he put his cool ass mask on and right there I knew he was my favorite player. And to this day he is still my favorite. Tuukka was the first hockey player I EVER knew and could remember by name. I gotta admit, at first I thought his name was “Tuuk Arask” because that’s what it sounded like whenever the announcers would say it, specifically Jack Edwards lol. But then I was like “wait is it Arask or Rask” and after looking at his jersey like 3 games later I finally realized it was actually Rask lol. And I was like “Tuukka Rask. So freaking creepy lol. He’s my favorite.” I also have to mention that I’ve always been a sucker for people that play positions that no one else wants to play. Like for example, when I first started watching football in like 2014, my first ever favorite player was Stephen Gostkowski because he was the kicker. He was super good and he was instantly my fav. That’s what Tuukka was like for me. This huge, tall ass, creepy ass, goalie who was playing super well. How could i NOT like him. I didn’t really bother to learn any other players on the bruins team since they got eliminated in the second round. I remember saying to my mom “I don’t want them to be out. I wanna learn more.” I wanted to know more about the game and 6 games, or however many it was, wasn’t enough. So for some reason, I followed them throughout the offseason and in late September/early October I started watching a ton of their older games on YouTube. Not super old obviously, but games from like 2013-2017 ish. Just whatever I could find. And it was so interesting. I tried to only watch games where they actually won so I wasn’t wasting my time lol, but not having to worry about the score helped me start learning the game and some of the rules, like what an icing was for example. So then preseason games started and I got more into it. And then the beginning of the 2018-19 season started. I still didn’t really know any players besides Tuukka, even though I was watching YouTube games. The YouTube ones were more for me to learn the game and the rules rather than players (however, looking back, I did notice that Kevan Miller was a freaking beast, but I just didn’t acknowledge who he actually was. I just saw a player going absolute sicko mode and being like YEEEEAAAAH). The second player I could actually remember by name was Danton Heinen. I noticed he was playing really well and I was like omg who is that and I learned his name and he became one of my favorites with Tuukka. Next was Anders Bjork. I remember I was texting my friends and was trying to make it seem like I wasn’t a complete amateur at hockey knowledge, so I was like “hey guys, Bjork is back in the line up😃” and so I always remembered his name. Next was Ryan Donato because he was literally AWAYS smiling. Every time he was on camera he was SMILING. I loved it so much he was like a little bean. And so he was one of my favorites and i had a top three with him, heino and tuuks.

Now I was watching games and slowly learning important names like Chara, Bergeron, Marchand etc but it wasn’t really on my radar to actually learn all the players because I hadn’t even done that with the patriots who I had been watching and loving for yeeeears. But that was until I decided to watch a behind the b episode. And I was HOOKED. I instantly began to love and care about every single player on the roster. This was in like February of 2019. And that’s when I started trying to name everyone on the team, including their numbers. I made it a mission. I remember writing out lists in math class because I was so bored and would rather try to memorize hockey players. And that’s when I found bruinsblr. It was march by the time I started to post hockey stuff. And i made an instagram account so I could started editing them. I’ve had this blog since 2014 and its seen many phases, but march of 2019 was when I changed it into a mainly bruins blog. And I remember not knowing what “bruins lb” was and i never wanted to tag it because I thought it was like a club or something that I would be intruding on😂 So I started posting and reblogging bruins stuff and posting sucky bruins edits on here and on my insta account. And I started watching every single behind the b episode from every season and I was literally obsessed with the team. And then Donato got traded and i was heartbroken cuz I loved him and I was like Coyle is gunna have to wow me to get me to like him and he DID and i LOVE HIM. But then I decided to have a top five instead of a top three. And it was Tuukka, Krug, DeBrusk, Pasta, and Marchy. They were the players I noticed the most. And Marchy started LICKING people how could i not choose him😂 So then the playoffs come and we beat the leafs in game 7 AGAIN (and I literally missed the first two periods because I was at my confirmation) But I finally understood all the memes about the leafs and I finally understood hockey and hockey culture by this point. I knew the rules, the players, the memes, literally everything. And then we make it to the finals and get lil nas x singing old town road before game 1 and we get JD wearing that stupid hat😂 and the two people from The Office (one of them wanted the bruins to win and the other wanted the blues) and it was all just amazing for me. Then we lost and i was devastated. And we had to see pictures of CMac sobbing on the ice and JD sitting alone in his stall crying and all of them were so sad and after that journey we just went through i was fvcking crying too. We didn’t win, but that 2018-19 season is SO special for me.

The people on this roster (minus gemel smith and lee stempniak) are EXTREMELY special to me. They TAUGHT me hockey. They turned me on to an entirely new culture. I got to experience my first real bit of hockey. I got to experience EVERYTHING about hockey with them (besides the cup) in this ONE season of hockey. I saw the preseason games in china, the halloween visit to to the hospital, Chara bringing pies to the homeless, them buying toys for kids in the hospital at Christmas then visiting them, the new years game outside against the hawks, trade deadline crushing my heart, every round of the playoffs, players pushing through crazy injuries, loving players, despising other teams, all the memes, all the jokes, all the players. Everything. The 2018-19 season is SO incredibly special for me because it’s the first time I ever experienced real hockey and watched an entire season. The people on that roster mean so much to me because of that. Now take a look at the names on that roster. Rask. Krug. Miller. Kampfer. Frederic. They all helped me experience my first year of hockey. Freddy in his first freaking game, getting into a fight😂 Miller and Kampfer were BEASTS on the ice. Krug being a SPECTACULAR little defenseman, quarterbacking the pp and sticking up for himself and SLAMMING thomas. Tuukka Rask being the brick wall. There is no way that I could ever dislike the people on that roster unless the did something suuuuuper bad. I don’t know if you would call it hero worship or whatever, but those people on that roster are so fucking special to me. Even ones like JFK and Vaak and Colby that didn’t play that many games. They still made an impact for me as a hockey fan. THAT is the main reason why I will never stop liking and supporting tuuks, krugger, kampfs, millsy, or freddy. Everyone on that roster has a special place in my heart and I’m not going to let their political views change or tamper with the incredible experience they gave me during that 2018-19 season. I wont ever love another team as much as I loved that specific roster. And no one is going to change that for me. I dont care about their political views or whatever. For me, the experience and the feelings they gave me trump anything i may or may not disagree with. That roster is so special to me, I cant bring myself to dislike any of those people. I will always like those players, no matter how republican or democrat or whatever. Political views dont matter to me when it comes to those players.

Now besides all of that and the experience they gave me, I do believe that they’re still good people even tho they may be republican. I wanna start with Tuukka because it literally doesn’t make sense to me. Tuukka is not even AMERICAN. I dont think he cares that much about American politics since im pretty sure most his family lives in Finland. People got mad at him for wearing a Boston police hat. But I think those people are forgetting that Tuukka has been in boston for soooo long. There have probably been multiple occasions where the police had to help him or the team for some reason or another (they are technically famous after all). Tuukka wearing a hat that says Boston Police doesn’t make him a bad person. He was probably just showing support to the people that helped support HIM as well as his family and teammates. I follow Tuukka on insta and he literally NEVER posts anything political. Probably because NEVER actually posts ANYTHING at all lol. Tuukka had been my favorite from the start and theres almost nothing he could ever do that would make me dislike him.

As for the other 4, and any other players on the team that may be republican (honestly i bet most of them are because 1) most hockey players are and 2) a lot of the guys are christian/catholic and most christian/catholic people are republican as well) I choose to believe that political opinions dont make you a bad person. I like to believe that it depends on the circumstances for every individual. Now I’m not gay or black or anything. Im an 18 year old, straight white girl. So obviously i dont know what its really like for someone to hate or disagree with my race, sexuality, etc. I saw someone say (sorry I forget who it was) that they keep thinking “well what would that player say about me because im gay. What would they actually think about me. I cant support them.” And honestly that’s extremely valid. I never thought about it that way before. So if Kevan Miller for example was out here posting a bunch of homophobic stuff like “i hate gays” or “gays are all stupid” or anything like that, then yeah my opinions on him would probably change in some way. But I follow him on insta and i know the stuff he post about. I have NEVER seen him say anything like that. Ive never heard any bruin say anything like that. From what I’ve seen, they all seem like super nice, sweet, supportive people when they’re off the ice. (I think it’s also important to mention that I follow EVERYONE on the 2018-19 roster. I follow all of their instas. Most of them dont have twitter, but I follow all the ones that do. It’s part of the whole “that roster is incredibly special to me” thing). I choose to believe that following republicans or being one yourself doesn’t automatically make you a bad person, especially when you consider the different circumstances that every individual is under as humans. We all experience different things and that always plays a role in how you act or the opinions you have or the people you support. Someone’s political opinions have never stopped me from liking people. Ive clearly shown that I don’t mind republicans at all, but that doesn’t mean im going to dislike democrats either. Most of the actors/ singers that i like are democrats. And it just happens that most of the athletes i like are republicans. The political stuff doesn’t matter to me. I just dont want it being slapped in my face 24/7. I dont care if you’re a republican or democrat as long as you aren’t constantly talking to me about politics or social issues or trying to change my mind on stuff. Hopefully you can try to see my point of view on this and UNDERSTAND why I like them. Again, I’ve never told my hockey story to anyone so please don’t try and invalid my feelings about the season or the players.

Please, I beg, please don’t comment on this calling racist or something. Please dont try and change me mind. Please dont tell me i need to educate myself. I know WHY i like these players. I know where they stand politically and who they support. But these players are too special to ME for me to actually give a sht about if they like trump or not. Honestly tho, feel free to give your opinion (especially if you’re gay or black or anything) cuz i dont mind hearing other standpoints as long as you aren’t mean about it or try to change my mind. If i change my mind, which i probably wont, I want it to be on my own terms. Please remember that we ARE still a hockey family 💛🖤💛

(Also I’m NEVER talking about this again. If anyone ever asks or something like this comes up again im just gunna link/ reblog this post)

(Also, thank you to whoever made it this far and actually read all of that. ESPECIALLY if you’re someone that doesn’t agree with me. Its good to hear multiple standpoints on this stuff.)

[stanbillyhargrove]

Demons pt 19

Billy Hargrove x Reader (Cat)

T/W: Self Harm (Cat), Abuse, Eating Disorder   Cat has a lot of issues

BIG WARNING: SEXUAL ASSAULT, DRUGS, SUICIDE

This will be a multi chapter series with fluff, smut, angst, all the things

Billy's POV

"More than one?"

Steve shook his head, "I shouldn't have said that. I need to leave."

I groaned and stepped away from him, completely deflated now, "Harrington-."

"I should go, keep looking for her," he mumbled.

I looked outside and noticed the sun starting to set and realized Neil and Susan would be home soon, "go home, Steve. Keep trying to call her place, maybe drop in and see if she came home later, bring Rocky home with you. Call me if you find her."

"But," he protested, "we can't leave her out there at night."

My emotions were just barely held back and I could tell my resolve was starting to crack when my voice hitched, "Steve. We won't find her in the dark, just keep me updated. If we don't hear anything by the morning we'll go to the cops, okay?"

"Yeah," he nodded, following me back towards the door, "yeah, okay."

"Steve?"

Steve froze, fingers curling around the door handle, "yeah?"

"This is all my fault isn't it? Do you think she hates me?"

He turned to look at me and sighed, "no. She doesn't hate you."

I watched Steve leave and returned to my room, turning up my music to a deafening level to try to drown out my thoughts. It didn't work, I just kept thinking of Cat bleeding out at home and being rescued by Steve, swallowing pills and Steve forcing her to puke, how horrible I was the last time I saw her. How Steve was always her savior and all I did was hurt her.

More than one?

I could feel her bones under my knuckles and hear her screaming in my ears. What if she doesn't come home? What if she's already gone? Cold and blue and floating in cold water or bloody and broken after a hard fall or hanging and swaying in the wind or-

"Billy?"

I looked up to see Max in the doorway and motioned for her to come in. She turned down my stereo a bit while crossing the room and sat next to me, wrapping a small arm through mine.

"She'll come back, right? Do you think maybe she left town?"

I shook my head, tears welling up in my eyes, "I don't know, Maxine."

"I heard you guys, in the kitchen," she mumbled, "talking about drugs. Is Cat doing drugs? Is that why she's been weird?"

I sighed, "no, I think someone drugged her. Maybe did something really bad. All cause I wasn't fucking there to, to protect her."

I couldn't hold back the tears anymore, they just started pouring down my face.

Max leaned into my shoulder, her small hands clutching at my arm, "but we can help her, right?"

"If we find her, maybe."

A couple hours later, after hearing nothing from Steve, after Neil forced me to sit at the table for dinner even though I was barely functioning, I had a thought that sprung up with Max's words.

Do you think she left town?

It was a desperate last hope but maybe, just maybe she had gone out to our little spot in the forest. Just outside of town but far enough to leave it all behind and be by yourself. The place we always went to to relax, breathe in the crisp air, to scream out our frustrations.

Maybe.

The drive out to the forest stretched out like an eternity, my anxiety rising with every minute that passed. What if she wasn't out here and she really was gone? Gone forever. Or worse, what if she was out here dead? Cold and lifeless with nobody around for miles. My foot pressed harder on the gas, the needle of my speedometer ticking upwards as I raced through the trees. I pulled into the clearing with my heart in my throat and stepped out into the moonlight.

"Cat? Are you out here?"

Silence.

My heart hammered in my chest and my voice cracked when I spoke again, "Cat? Baby?"

I finally heard grass rustling before her small voice came out of the darkness, "B?"

I nearly collapsed to my knees right there, "oh thank god, where are you?"

I heard some more rustling and then saw Cat walking towards me. Tears spilled down my cheeks as I ran towards her and gathered her into my arms. She was here, alive and breathing against my chest. I made it, I found her.

"I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry," I cried into her hair, "can you forgive me?"

Her hands twisted in the front of my jacket as she sobbed into my chest, her whole body shaking against mine.

"Why, why are you out here?" She sniffed.

"Lookin for you, Baby. Steve showed up at my place out of his mind cause he hadn't seen you all day."

She whimpered, "Steve's mad at me, you guys hate me."

I shook my head, grabbed the sides of her face in my hands to force her to look at me, "I was pissed, yeah. But I fucking love you, okay? I'm not gunna leave you, ever. Unless you really don't want me, but I'll still love you."

Her eyes were ringed with dark purple, like they were sinking into her face. I could see that the angles of her face had only gotten sharper and it hit me that Cat looked sick, very sick.

"Cat, we should talk, shouldn't we?"

She nodded and shivered against me.

I grabbed her icy hands and shivered, "you're fucking freezing, come on. Let's sit in the car, crank the heat up."

I led her to the car and gently ushered her into the back seat, sliding in after her and closing the door behind me. I reached over the front seats to start the car, cranked the heat up as high as it could go and slid my jacket off, wrapping it around her shoulders.

"How long have you been out here?" I asked, wrapping her hands in mine.

She shrugged, "came out here early this morning, just wanted to get away."

"It's pretty late, why are you still out here?"

She shrugged again, looked down at her knees.

"Were you planning on going home?"

Cat chewed at her lip but didn't say anything.

"Cat, Steve..he told me some things. Said he was scared you'd hurt yourself again. What does that mean?"

She let out a long sigh, pulled her hands from mine and slowly slid up the sleeves of her jacket, exposing the white bandages wrapped around her arms. I watched her start to unwind them and sucked my breath in when I saw the dark red scabs running down her arms. The skin around the scabs was purple and red, the bruising stretched across her pale skin and showed all the old white scars in her arm. I reached out and lightly ran my thumb across it, feeling the harsh dried blood next to her soft skin.

"Why..why didn't you call me?"

She shrugged, her lip tucked in between her teeth and tears threating to fall from her tired eyes.

"Cat, that's not gunna work anymore. Talk to me, please."

She let go of her lip and let out a wavering breath, "I didn't want to dump my shit on you. You have enough going on without my problems."

Anger spiked up my spine, "you idiot. I'm your fucking boyfriend! You're supposed to tell me things, not run to Steve when you want to fucking kill yourself!"

Cat flinched, making me once again feel like the biggest piece of shit when she pulled out of my hands.

I pulled my hands back into my lap and leaned back against the seat with a huff, "you've been doing that for a while? Is that the real reason you didn't want to have sex?"

She sniffed, wrapped her arms around herself, "the first reason."

My eyebrow raised, "what else?"

I thought I knew the answer, but I needed her to tell me, to trust me.

"B..." she breathed, "please, don't."

"Fine," I growled, "something easier first. But you're gunna tell me. When's the last time you ate?"

"I've got it under control, B," she tried.

"No. You don't. Whatever you're doing is out of control, obviously. You look like a corpse and Steve showed up at my house having a breakdown cause he thought you had run off to kill yourself. Steve fucking Harrington! Knows more about my girlfriend than I do! Do you love him?"

She looked up at me, shocked and hurt, "no! Not like that, he's my best friend."

It's time, "did you fuck him?"

She looked down and I couldn't help the whine that escaped my throat, "seriously? You wouldn't have sex with me but you'll cheat on me with Steve?"

"I didn't cheat on you, it was after I left you and I didn't plan on it! I just..I just wanted to feel normal and we were drunk and I'm sorry!" She cried.

"I thought we were just taking a break, that I did something wrong!"

She sniffed, "I'm sorry. I really am. I wish I could have been with you but I just...wasn't ready. Please, B. Don't be mad."

My jaw clenched, "do you love me?"

"Of course I do!" She leaned forward to grab my arms, her cold fingers digging into my bare biceps, "you have to believe me."

"Then you need to get better, Cat," I murmured, "if we're going to be together you need to get better. You need to tell me everything so I can help you."

She slid forward into my chest and I clutched her to me while she sobbed. Her legs wound around my sides so she was as close to me as she could get without burrowing into my ribs, which I would gladly let her if it would make everything better. Would let her slice me open, flay my ribs wide to tuck herself inside them so I could keep her safe, loved, alive. I rubbed my hand up and down her back slowly, shushing her until I hit the tender spot where I had punched her. She whimpered, hands twisting tighter in my shirt and I wanted to sink right into the ground.

"Let me see," I whispered.

Cat nuzzled into my chest, "it's okay, I'm fine."

I rolled my eyes and slid my hand under the bottom of her jacket and pulled it up her back, twisting to look at the purple bruise on her ribs. I ran my fingers along the bruise, just barely touching her and noticed the way her bones stuck out from her skin, how they made her look so fragile like she might crumble into nothing.

"Does it hurt to breathe or to move?" I asked, unable to take my eyes off her back.

I've had my fair share of cracked ribs, knew how badly they could hurt. Wish I had some right now, to take away from the storm of emotions in my head.

"Sometimes," she whispered.

I groaned and dropped my head to her shoulder, "I'm so fucking sorry, I didn't mean to. You know that, right? That I wouldn't do that on purpose?"

"I know, B. It was an accident," Cat soothed.

"I'm not, I'm not like him, Cat. I'm not, I promise. I'm so sorry," I cried into her shoulder.

We clutched at each other in the back of the Camaro, soaking in each other's tears as the night ticked on.

"Billy?" Cat breathed, her voice small and shaky.

"Hmm?"

"Remember that party? That I said a girl got drugged?"

"Yeah, Baby. I remember."

I knew what was coming but it still didn't prepare me for the words coming out of her mouth.

"There was more than one girl," she whispered, "I...one of them...was me."

Cat crumpled against me, letting out gut wrenching sobs. I wrapped myself around her as tight as I could, feeling like my heart had died in my chest, shattered into a million tiny needles that spread through my chest.

I rocked her gently, shushing her and hoping with every ounce of my being that I could hold her together.

"Cat, Baby, you're okay," I soothed, "I've got you, I'll protect you."

She sniffed and eventually began to calm down, her breathing slowing down as she cried herself out. I kept rubbing her back and whispering in her ear that she was safe and that I love her. Eventually I noticed her hands loosen on my shirt and I could hear her soft, even breathing and I pulled my head back to look at her face. Cat was peacefully sleeping against my chest, her lips just barely parted to breathe. I wanted to have a complete meltdown like Steve had, maybe drink myself into a coma. She'd been suffering for so long and I didn't even realize, I'd been so wrapped up in myself that the girl I loved was crumbling in front of me and I didn't see how bad it really was. I thought back to every time I had seen Cat, how she never went anywhere without big, baggy shirts covering her. How she was always freezing even in the Indiana sun. I thought of the first time I brought her out here and how she froze, went down on me and didn't want anything in return, how she'd basically ran out of my car when I brought her home. She'd been hiding herself from me since the beginning. I thought about that stupid fucking party, how I got distracted closing the pool and took too long to get there and red hot anger spiked through me again.

Gently, I laid Cat down across the seat and covered her with my jacket, waiting to make sure she didn't wake up before getting out of the car. I leaned against the car for a while, hands shaking while I puffed on a cigarette.

I ground the heel of my hand into my eye when I started tearing up again, "fucking hell."

With a growl, I slid into the front seat and slowly began the drive back into town. While driving, I kept looking back at Cat's sleeping form in the backseat. She had curled up under my jacket which should have looked sweet but I was straining my ears to hear her breathe, just to make sure she was still alive.

I pulled over in front of my house and turned around to look at Cat once more.

"Hey," I whispered, "you awake?"

I smiled tightly when she nuzzled into my jacket and got out of the car as quietly as I could before running up to the only window that had a soft glow coming through it. Max was up reading comics again. I tapped lightly on the window and waited a moment for Max to appear.

She slid the window open and whispered, "Billy? What are you doing?"

"Max, I found her. I found Cat."

She gasped and looked around me, "is she okay? Where is she?"

"She's..she's doing okay, I think. She's sleeping in the car. I'm gunna take her to Steve's, okay? I'll pick you up for school though."

She smiled at me, "okay, Billy. Tell Cat I miss her."

@elsie2018 @savagesuccubus @speedmetalqueen @charmed-asylum @florenceivy @@breadnbutternips

[nbbromancereader]

I literally just answered them all and had so much fun doing it! I'll send you some though incase you don't want to do every single one. Still loads though! 🙈 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 8.

Yayyy i really wanted to do this, even though I’m not British! I have pretty strong feelings about most of these questions so I’ll just go ahead and answer them all 😆 let’s do this:

1. Who’s been your favourite bake off contestant?

This one is hard, I have so many favourites. But I’ll say Dr Tamal Ray because I had such a crush on him

2. What are your opinions on Love Island?

Judge me all you want - I know it’s horribly sexist and just overall awful for a whole lot of reasons but I’m hooked. It’s just great TV, what can I say

3. What were your favourite CBBC shows back in the day?

I hear CBBC broadcast Hey Arthur, which we had in Brazil growing up. So I’m gunna say that one

4. What’s a British stereotype that you hate?

I don't necessarily hate any of them as they don't really apply to me, but the accent one is so inaccurate it’s funny. Another one I thought was strange when I first moved here was that people were a lot less classy than I had expected lol

5. How about a British stereotype that’s actually very accurate for you?

I fit in pretty well with the introvert, tea-drinking stereotype.

6. Favourite British accent?

I love a friendly farmer Somerset accent. I also love all Scottish accents, and maybe Geordie depending on who’s speaking 

7. Any British landmarks you want to visit?

I haven't been anywhere north of Oxford in 7 years, so I’d still like to see all things Northern, starting with the Hadrian Wall

8. What’s the best John Lewis Christmas ad?

That one with the hare and the bear was pretty cute, but Monty the Penguin wins

9. Where is the true North/South divide?

In my super non-expert opinion, anywhere north of Cambridge is no longer the South. There is no such thing as a North-South divide because the Midlands exist, and then I’d say the North starts in Nottingham. 

10. Explain the Freddos controversy for all your non-British followers

Cheap chocolate trebled in price, sending everyone into a frenzy 

11. Favourite part of a roast dinner?

Obviously the roast potatoes

12. What’s the best dunking biscuit?

Not a dunker at all. So none

13. What are your thoughts on marmite?

Give me all of it. Marmite is life

14. Favourite British swear word?

Bollocks

15. Busted or McFly?

Both are shite. But if I had to choose, Busted

16. Complete this sentence “the DFS sale will end when…”

Brexit happens?

17. Favourite Horrible Histories song?

I’ll be honest and say I don't actually know what this is. 

18. Which selection box does your family get at Christmas?

My boyfriend’s family usually gets Quality Street, but it varies. 

19. Which wife of Henry VIII deserved better?

They all deserved better than him! But I am particularly sympathetic of the first one.

20. What are your thoughts on school uniforms?

I think they’re necessary. You don't have to think about outfits, so you can save your nice clothes for the weekend

21. Is it pronounced scone or scone?

Scone as in cone with an s, duh

22. How do you take your tea?

Pretty strong with just a dash of milk and maybe a little bit of honey.

23. Give us some British TV show recommendations

Peep Show for sure, The Inbetweeners, Vicar of Dibley, Gavin & Stacey, Sherlock and GBBO.

24. Best thing to get from Greggs?

Vegan sausage roll for the controversy, cheese and onion pasty for the flavour

25. Jaffa Cakes: cakes or biscuits?

I feel very unqualified to answer this lol but I’ll say cakes. It’s in the name!

26. Which is the best movie in the Cornetto trilogy?

This one is a bit too British for me. I don't know

27. Which Gavin and Stacey character are you most like?

I am very pleased to say that I have been described as a hybrid of Pam and Gwen.

28. Louis Theroux or David Attenborough?

Sir David all day long. I do love Louis though.

29. Pick a song to be the new national anthem

I’m thinking the theme song of a really iconic TV show, like Countdown or Match of the Day? That'd be funny

30. Chips with gravy: a delicacy or an abomination? How about curry sauce?

Abomination. Likewise, curry sauce can fuck off

This was so fun to do, @vickypoochoices!! I feel a little bit more British now, having listed these. Hahaha

[ironbound-praetorium]

Interview with the Ironfist

1. What is your name?

“Raelin… Rae… Ironfist… that asshole…kinda answer to them all.”

2. What is your real name?

“Captain Raelin Michael Dawnsorrow. Yeah, I got credentials and everything.”

3.Do you know why you were called that?

“Cause my parents liked it? Fuck if I know… there were five of us, so I’m guessing they just wanted something that sounded good while they were yelling for all of us to come in and sit proper at the table… newsflash… we never did.”

4. Are you single or taken?

“That is a complicated as fuck question. M’Rose is waiting for me on the other side, so… technically taken….but I mean…she’s dead…I’m still breathing, and it’s not like she would care who was in my bed.”

5.Have any abilities or powers?

“I can go from zero to ‘fuck you’ in .5 seconds…and at .6 I’ve generally already thrown the first punch. Let’s see…I can make a keg of dwarven ale disappear in under an hour…I’m shameless, and while that might not be some super awesome power… it allows me to give no fucks, which is just how I like it. I can also heal…ya know, the Light works in mysterious ways…”

6. Stop being a Mary Sue.

“Well fuck you too!”

7. What’s your eye color?

“Blue..” he said, widening his eyes and blinking comically.

8. How about your hair color?

“You ain’t exactly the observant type are ya? Shit’s red as Alexstraza’s ass…damn and what an ass she has… whew!”

9. Have you any family members?

“Got th’Silverfalls… and while they ain’t family by blood, they are all I have left.”

10. Oh? What about pets?

“Yeah, cause I’m going to admit that a dragon is a fucking pet? You out of your mind? I’d rather not end up as flambé, thank you very much!”

11. That’s cool I guess, now tell me about something you don’t like.

"People who hurt kids. Man, just let them be little beasts and get messy...only innocent for so long, let them have that shit for as long as they can!”

 12.  Do you have any hobbies/activities you like doing?

“Fucking, fighting and drinking…and smelting. Mmm, I do love the smell of molten metal…”

13.  Ever hurt anyone before?

“Is this a serious question? Did I not just state I like to fight? Titans balls, you’re dense as fuck…”

14.  Ever… killed anyone before?

“Yeah, don’t much like to think on it…and I don’t make a point of being a bloodthirsty ass like that… those fuckers deserved it.”

15.  What kind of animal are you?

“The scaly kind…”

16.  Name your worst habits.

“Probably drinking and swearing… but let’s be honest here, the word ‘fuck’ is fantastic and should be used more often.”

17.  Do you look up to anyone at all?

“Maladir. I don’t know how he remains so steadfast even after everything he has witnessed…you would think after so many wars and loved ones lost, that the man would crumble under the weight of his sorrow… but there he is, day in and day out… doing what he can to make those around him better.”

18.  Gay, straight, or bisexual?

“Been awhile since I’ve had a man in my bed, but I’m not opposed to it… or really anyone else. Could say I’m an equal opportunity sort…”

19.  Do you go to school?

“Ugh, yes. So many damned years of books and training sessions. Hated every second of it… much prefer to learn while out in the world and through discovery, not some professor who hasn’t even been outside his classroom in fifty years!”

20.  Do you ever want to marry and have kids one day?

“Only person I was ever going to marry was Vinnie. She ain’t here anymore… so none of that wedding nonsense for me. Kids? Eh…kinda old fashioned in wanting children inside wedlock…so likely not in the cards. Besides, I got dozens of tiny little patients more than happy to sit and color with me, be amazed by my dumb magic tricks and who need all the piggy back rides.”

21.  Do you have any fanboys/fangirls?

“I got a whole fanclub…no really, it’s a running joke in the Praetorium. Bri’s the president…”

22.  What are you most afraid of?

“Not getting to Vinnie on the otherside…”

23.  What do you usually wear?

“Armor…chain, leather… boring ass knight stuff. Not one for fashion, though I do clean up nicely..”

24.  Do you love someone?

“The Praetorium… Mal, Pixie… my Rose.”

25.  When was the last time you wet yourself?

“Doing it right now.” The shit eating grin made it hard to tell if he was serious or not.

26.  Well, it’s not over yet!

“Oh good, I love wasting time with idiots.”

27.  What class of society you belong to?

“The ‘Fuck What You Think’ Class…”

28.  How many friends do you have?

“Enough? Hell… I don’t keep count, which seems like a shitty thing to do to stroke your own ego. No thanks…”

29.  What are your thoughts on pie?

A devious grin crosses the Ironfist’s face, crinkling the corner of his eyes with amusement. “Which kind?”

30.  Favorite drink?

“The alcoholic kind.”

31.  What’s your favorite place?

“The sparring ring with Pixie on the opposite side!”

32.  Are you interested in someone?

“People in general interest me, so…. Everyone?”

33.  What’s your bra cup size and/or how big is your willy?

“Well, I mean the only way you’re truly gunna get that answer is if I show ya..”This was followed by the distinct sound of a zipper being undone.

34.  Would you rather swim in the lake or the ocean?

“I’d rather fly.”

35.  What’s your type?

“Breathing?”

36.  Any fetishes?

“I do love me some lingerie...though I don’t know as that counts as a fetish.”

37.  Seme or uke? Top or Bottom? Dominant or Submissive?

“I can do it all…whatever strikes the mood or moment. Got no issues taking what I want.. with consent of course… or being taken.”

38.  Camping or indoors?

“Outdoors. Shit’s too stuffy when ya add walls…”

39.  Are you wanting the interview to end?

“Happy ending?”

tagged by: @redroxwra  ((Thank you!)) Tagging: whoever hasn’t done this yet!

[looselucy]

February

“It’s a little grotty.” Harry complained. “Everywhere we’re going to look will be a little grotty, but we’re students and that’s the way it’s meant to be.” Zayn replied. “No, I know! I kind of want it to be a little grotty.”

We all agreed on that. To me, the house was perfect. There were two bedrooms upstairs, which me and Zayn had taxed, and one downstairs, that obviously used to be a living room, and that would be Harry’s. It was all very spacious, close to empty when we looked around. All the rooms were large, and yeah, it wasn’t the best house, but we weren’t expecting the best house. It definitely could have been worse. I liked it. We walked out of the kitchen, which was by far the grottiest room of the lot but not to the point you wouldn’t want to cook in there or anything. Not that I would be doing much cooking. We wandered around upstairs for a second time, making sure we loved it. “So, should we say we want it?” Zayn asked. “Yeah. She said they have three more viewings today!” Harry cried. “They’ll say that just to get our money.” I shrugged. “They probably don’t have any more viewings.” “Well don’t we want to give them our money? Since we want it?” Harry seemed lost. “I guess so.” “Then what’s the problem?” “Principles.” Zayn finished. Harry tried to shake it off, but I think he was genuinely a little bit confused, glancing between myself and Zayn as we chuckled quietly together, stood at the top of the stairs, still kind of glancing around ourselves and trying to get used to the idea that we were actually going to live in that house come September, just the three of us. “This all feels very grown up.” Harry groaned. “I don’t know how to go about it to be honest. Are we supposed to haggle?” “This does feel like there should be an adult involved.” I mulled. “I kind of wish my mum was here.” Zayn added. Zayn had turned 19 in our first week of university, so was the oldest of the lot of us, but it still definitely felt like we were too young to be making that kind of decision without our parents coming and looking at the house, telling us it was a good idea. It was one of the first times in my life that I actually felt like a proper adult, and to be honest I wasn’t enjoying it at all. “Okay. Let’s just do it. Let’s say we want it and get that deposit down. We all definitely want it, right?” I tried. “I do.” Zayn nodded. “Same.” Harry said. “Okay then, let’s do it.” We went downstairs and out the front door, where the woman was waiting for us to see what we had to say. The house must have been a fifteen-minute walk from uni, which was absolutely nothing in all fairness, but comparing it to my current five-minute walk, it may as well have been a good ten miles. I knew Harry and Zayn felt the same way about that, too, but I couldn’t help but feel excited about our new home; about the next year and how things would be. A good part about the house is we were now only a five-minute walk from Thimble, which was all good, maybe even more important than being close to university. Unfortunately, putting down a deposit to make sure that house was ours, put each one of us £250 down, which was kind of rubbish, but it felt pretty difficult to be in a bad mood once it was done. It was like I had been worried about the situation of living next year without even realising, and I guess having it done was a weight off my shoulders. We wandered back to uni together, buzzing with excitement as we moved. I had actually made it to my lecture that morning, despite going out the night before, and even though it was February, the sun was shining. It certainly wasn’t warm, but it had to be the warmest day of the year so far. “I find it weird.” Harry said as we walked back. “The thought that we won’t just be in that flat until we’re done with uni.” “I know!” Zayn called. “I was thinking the other day, how weird it is that you haven’t always lived with us.” “Literally, I feel like I got so lucky with you lot. The flat I was in before was literally full to the brim with wankers. Apart from Lily. The rest of them were… fucking awful.” There were so many reasons I was happy that me and Harry were friends, but that was the first moment I realised that one of those reasons was because it made Harry happy, too. I liked him being happy. “I would say you’ve been blessed with us.” I smirked. “I wouldn’t go that far.” He laughed back. “I would.” “I would too!” Zayn lifted and dropped his brows. The conversation flowed as we wandered slowly back to campus, but I have to say my mood dropped, because there was no way I couldn’t tell Tally about the housing situation when we got back. Her boyfriend was still around, much to my dismay, but I wouldn’t let him get in the way, because I really needed to speak to her, to get it off my chest and deal with the possible blow-up that could come from it. As soon as our building was in sight, my stomach dropped. “What’s up with you?” Zayn nudged me. “I’m gunna speak to Tally.” “Oh shit.” “Yeah.” “How do you think she’ll take it?” He asked at the door. “Who knows. I’m gunna find out very soon.” Usually, it felt like the lift took about a million years to clunk its way to the top floor, and I had my fingers crossed behind my back that it would break down again. Alas, it didn’t, and it felt like we were upstairs in no time whatsoever. I rolled my eyes at the whole idea of it. “I’ll make brews.” Harry sucked in air tight into his chest. “I think you’ll need one after this chat.” “Thanks.” I tried. “We’ll be in my room.” Zayn said. I moved quickly to Tally’s door, eager to get the whole thing out of the way. I knocked on, and keeping up with the speed of the whole thing, her boyfriend opened the door within seconds. “Hello.” I choked, hearing Harry flick the kettle on in the kitchen. “Can I speak with Tally.” “She’s busy.” He grunted. My second interaction was not going any better than my first, and it was probably going worse to be honest. I had never been one to put up with someone’s bullshit. “Y’know what, mate, I don’t care. I need to speak to her.” “We’re busy.” He barked lowly. I pushed past him with a knock to his shoulder, and Tally was sat on her bed. She looked sad already, before I was to break this bloody news to her. She seemed so down, and how could she not be when she had been locked in a room with that guy since Sunday? “Can I talk to you?” I asked. “In private.” “About what?” “I just need to tell you something!” “You can tell me in front of Jay.” She spoke nervously. “I’m gunna be honest, Tally, I don’t want to do fucking anything in front of Jay. I think he’s an arse.” I couldn’t have cared less at that point. “You fucking what?” He seethed, coming and standing tall next to me. “Oh my god, seriously?” I turned to him, because I wasn’t scared. “What kind of impression did you really think I would have gotten from you? What kind of idiot are you?” He couldn’t believe the words that were falling from my mouth, but I could. I had seen things like that before. The way he spoke, the way he acted like he was in control of her actions, how Tally was just sat on her bed all shy and pushed in, which was not the Tally I knew. “Pippa!” She cried. “I don’t fucking like the guy, so shoot me! Can I talk to you?” She just huffed and got to her feet, storming out into the kitchen. For a split second, Jay started to follow her before I tugged him back as harshly as I could and followed her, slamming the door to the best of my ability, trying to keep him at bay. Thankfully, he didn’t follow. “What was that about?” Tally cried. “Why the hell are you asking me?” I said as I got into the kitchen. “That guy seems like an abusive dick. What is going on?” “Look, I’m… I’m waiting til he’s gone, and then I’m ending things. Trust me!” She whispered harshly. “Why not now?” “Because he scares the living shit out of me.” She was a mess. I didn’t think he had hurt her, but nor did I ask. I just think she knew there was a possibility he could do that; there was something within him. The fact that he took out every single shred of confidence I had seen shine from her whenever he was in the room with her. It’s terrifying, what another human being can do to someone. “I will not hesitate to get him out, right now!” I slammed. Only then, did we hear the kettle click, and we turned around to see Harry still stood by the kettle, his eyes wide, forcing out the fakest smile you’ve ever seen. I’d completely forgotten he would be there. “I’ll leave you to it.” He brushed quickly. He practically flew past us and ran into Zayn’s bedroom. Tally stared at him bitterly as he left, and I had to ask, because it was just one other thing making me uncomfortable about being around Tally. “Is you being with this guy, something to do with how you feel about Harry?” “Me being with this guy is about him being nice to me at first and them completely fucking… changing! It’s nothing to do with fucking Harry Styles.” She was yelling. She was angry. She was scared. I couldn’t imagine being in her situation. It’s very easy to stand on the outside and just say, leave him, why are you even with him? But I couldn’t even begin to put myself in her shoes and feel what she was feeling. “Tally, you look so shook up.” I tried to lower the tone. “Do you want me to get him out?” Her bottom lip quivered, and as soon as she nodded she burst into tears, hiding her face as she did. In a way, I felt like some of that was down to shame. It was so out of character for her, and I could see how much she was hating it, how much she despised the fact she couldn’t stand up to him. It was easier for me to do it, from the outside. I marched furiously back towards her room and opened her bedroom door, and he was just sat on the bed looking at me, like he was waiting. There was a possibility he had heard. “You need to leave.” I said plainly. “S’cuse me?” There was a venom in his voice, a poison that had clearly seeped into Tally and weakened her, something that ran within his entire being. I think that was what creeped me out the most, how I knew he was unaware; he didn’t really know what he was doing, what was wrong with the way he acted, how he treated her. He really didn’t know. “You need to leave. Now.” I remained strong. “And why’s that?” “Because you’re not welcome here anymore.” “Says who?” He spat. “Says all of us!” “Nah. I don’t think so. Let me talk to Tally.” “Get out. Get the fuck out now!” I heard the door to Zayn’s room open and within seconds, the two of them were walking out with their postures straight and tense, filing down the corridor, completely ready to say their pieces and get the boy the hell out of our home. I hated that I needed the boys at that point, I didn’t want to need boys at any point, but when it came to intimidating someone like Jay, it probably would be a little easier with two lads at my side. They came and stood behind me in Tally’s room. “C’mon, pal. It’s time to go.” Harry muttered. I glanced behind myself momentarily, to see them both with their fists clenched down at their sides, and it didn’t take any more than that. Jay tutted, like he was still in control, but he grabbed a bag from the floor, not caring to chuck anything else in it as he walked out of her room and, thankfully, out of our lives. As soon as he was gone, I ran back into the kitchen, and Tally was sat shaking on the sofa, her legs tucked into her chest, tears gently rolling down her cheeks. “Has he gone?” She whispered. “Yeah. He’s gone.” She cried a little heavier after that, so me and Zayn went to either side of her and held her tight, whereas Harry went back to making brews, adding one more mug, because Tally would definitely need a cup of tea after that. + + + I heard him before I saw him. I knew it would happen. I had just been waiting for it to happen. He was one of Zayn’s best mates, for fuck sake, and Harry had admitted right away he would stay friends with him. I knew Louis would be around me again at some point. I was not looking forward to it. I also wished I had gotten a warning, to be honest. I had been round at Ed’s doing a little studying for the exam we had coming up, and it was 8pm on the Thursday evening, and I thought Zayn could have maybe dropped me a small text just saying he was there. I also would have tried to make myself look a little better if I had known. But it was too late. The day before, I hadn’t even dared speak to Tally about the house. Her day had gone terribly enough without me then adding on that strain, so my plan that evening was to sit her down and tell her the truth. But I was automatically distracted by the sound of Louis talking. “I did a painting of her. I think I felt a little better about the whole thing after that.” I heard him say as I quietly let myself into the flat. “You did a painting of Pip?” I heard Harry squeal. “Yeah.” “Can I see it?” “Believe it or not, Styles, I don’t carry it with me everywhere I go.” I shut the door as quietly as I could, and stood at the end of the corridor, hoping that none of them would spot me because I was very excited to hear more of what they had to say about me when they didn’t know I was there. “How you feeling about the whole thing?” Zayn asked. “Alright, yeah. She’s a nice girl though. I feel bad for the way I made her feel. She doesn’t deserve that.” “No, she doesn’t.” Harry tutted. “The fuck is going on? I thought you hated her?” I could hear the confusion in Louis’ voice. “Pippa and Harry have recently become mates, and I swear, he’s being weirdly nice about her.” Zayn scoffed and chuckled. “I reckon you want to fuck her.” “What? No I don’t. I’m not even attracted to her.” Harry huffed. “Okay, well, you’re blind then. She’s gorgeous.” Louis replied. “She’s alright. Wouldn’t go near her though.” I would have been offended, but Harry had been more than near to me. Harry had been all over me. We were still trying to cover our tracks and make sure nobody thought anything had happened, so of course he’d said that. I couldn’t be offended when I had felt his lips on my neck and his large hand between my legs, both of us sober and desperate. “You wouldn’t go near any girls the other night, and I think that’s because of Pip.” I heard Zayn say, clearly smirking. “You want her.” “I fucking don’t! I didn’t get the chance to go near any other girls. Trust me, I will.” “Okay, well then let’s do a lads night out tonight, and we can go on the pull.” Zayn challenged. “Fine. Lets.” I was finally done with them not being aware I was there. The night before, I had once again wound up in Harry’s bed, and because of that, I wasn’t exactly enjoying hearing him say he was going to go on the pull. It had been less than a week since we’d fooled around, and I just figured I needed a little longer than that. It was nothing to do with any possible feelings I could have for Harry. No way. Definitely not. I opened the door from the inside, giving them a little warning that they were no longer alone, pretending that his was my entrance, and I just loved hearing them shut up as I walked down the corridor towards them. It was weird seeing Louis. It felt like I hadn’t seen him for so long. He looked good, unfortunately. His hair was a mess and so was his facial hair, but that was always how I liked it. “Hey.” I smiled, being friendly. “Hey.” He smiled back, through a deep sigh. “Hey, Pip-Squeak.” Harry grinned. “How was your study session?” Zayn asked. “It was good, thanks.” As I walked over to the kettle, I offered drinks, but they all had beers in their hands and weren’t ready to calm down with a brew. They had gone a little quiet since I walked in, and I could feel all their eyes on my back as I faced the kettle, even refusing to catch their image in the reflection of the window in front of me. “Uh… Pip, can I talk to you?” Louis choked eventually. I was kind of hoping we would have left it at hello and not said anything more on the matter. I didn’t want to argue and I didn’t want to hear any more excuses from him. But I also didn’t want to be rude and say no. Maybe he had something he really wanted to get off his chest, and I was willing to give him the opportunity. As long as he didn’t start weeping to me about how he had painted a portrait of me, because that would have been too awkward. “Okay.” I mumbled. He clearly wanted a little privacy for the matter. He brushed himself down and stood up, giving me the tiniest smile he could possibly conjure up, before his head dropped to the floor, and he headed down the corridor to my bedroom. I followed quietly behind, until we were both stood in my room, directly across from each other. It was quiet for quite some time. I folded my arms across my chest and gave out a deep sigh, smiling to him, encouraging him. He struggled to say anything, so I cut in. “How’ve you been?” ”Okay.” He hunched his shoulders. “I’m a little put off by the fact you aren’t yelling at me.” “Mm.” I chuckled slightly. “I’m trying my best to become one of those people who doesn’t hold a grudge. I’ve had some growing up to do... I’m working on it.” I could see the way he looked at me, like the sun shone out of my arse. I guess that was one of the first times I saw that he had genuinely liked me, during our short time together. I wasn’t just some piece of meat on the side. We got on, very well, of course he had liked me. I had liked him too. I just didn’t feel that way towards him anymore. “I wanted to say sorry.” Louis sighed. “Even like... how I went about things afterwards. I dunno. The whole thing was pretty out of character for me. Then Harry mentioned… how it kinda knocked your confidence and... I feel like shit about it. And to be honest, you not attacking me is making me feel even worse.” This was the shyest I had seen him. Ever. His hands were jutting everywhere, and he kept trying to look me in the eye, but he would drop his head within a split second. Me and Louis were probably never going to be close, but I definitely didn’t want to avoid him, to not be his friend, to put a room on edge whenever he was around. “It’s okay.” I gulped. “Yeah?” “Yeah. We’re good.” “Oh. Okay. Good. Thanks, Pip.” He smiled. “Don’t mention it.” He walked past me towards the door, his head still down, but he was smiling. I was smiling too, because it truly felt so good to be on better terms. “You coming?” He asked me, stood in the open door. “No. I’ll leave to your lads night.” I sighed. He smiled one last time before he let himself out and went back to the kitchen to drink with the boys. It felt good, and I wasn’t expecting it to. I had always been the type of person who, once I had my mind made up on someone, once someone had screwed me over, that would be it. I never really believed in second chances. But having to mature and grow up hits you square in the face when you go to university. Suddenly you don’t live among people you unconditionally love, and who love you back. You don’t live among people who would do anything for you. I didn’t have my mother cooking my food all the time, cleaning up after me. Little things that once felt like they were magically done around me were suddenly in my hands, and my hands alone. I was growing up in a million ways, and I knew that how I thought, and how I acted with people, was one of the things that needed to change. It felt really good. Maybe second chances weren’t the worst things after all. Besides, I had probably given Harry about ten, and that was working out really well. Around five minutes after Louis left, I lay on the top of my bed with Fleetwood Mac quietly playing as I read a book simply for pleasure, for what felt like the first time in ages, when Harry stormed in, eyes alight. “What did he say to you?” He barked. “What?” I sat up and turned to him. “Has he upset you?” He was seriously wound up. I wondered if that was simply down to the thought of Louis upsetting me or if it was something else. I wondered what had been said between the boys since Louis joined them again. “No.” I shook my head. “He said he was sorry. I forgave him. It’s all good.” There was a look of relief that flushed his face for a second, but it didn’t last too long. Suddenly his expression had a bitter tint to it, like there was an unkind taste in his mouth. “Well, why didn’t you come back out?” He asked. “’Cause you’re doing your lads night.” I lay back down. “You can join us. Be one of the lads for once.” “I’m alright.” “Okay. Well.. Okay.” He turned, just about to walk back out of my room before something brought him storming back to me. “Are you going to start shagging Louis again?” He bit quickly. It felt like there was more to that question than he was letting on, or maybe I was just reading into it too much. It felt like he was actually saying, please don’t start shagging Louis again. Please don’t tell me you still have feelings for him. Please don’t go back to him. I sat up again, and he was really staring at me, just waiting for my answer. “No. Definitely not. I’m not a complete idiot.” I snickered. “Could’ve fooled me.” He grinned. “Why’d you ask?” I was too intrigued not to. “Well... I’m not gunna stand by and watch him fuck you over again, am I?” “Is that it?” I scalded. This was uncharted territory for the two of us. It barely even made sense in my head, but I figured all I was waiting for, really, was for him to turn around and tell me that he didn’t want Louis to touch me again because he wanted to touch me again. That’s what I wanted to hear. Harry breathed in straight to his tense chest, and replied. “What else could it be, Pip-Squeak?” + + + I woke up alone. For the first time in a week, I woke up alone. Harry, Louis and Zayn had done their lads night the evening before, and I figured maybe Harry would have clambered into bed with me when he was drunk. It was clear to see he hadn’t. I groaned and turned off my alarm, seeing I had one text. Ed: Tell Ringo I’ll be round at 12 to listen to her piece. Peace out. X It was only 10am, and I wondered why the hell I had set my alarm three hours earlier than my actual lecture was. But I didn’t struggle. I was relatively awake, straight away, which wasn’t regular for me. I put it down to changing my bed so I had fresh sheets the evening before. That must have been why I had such a good sleep. Even so, getting out of bed was always an effort. I groaned as I removed myself from the warmth, throwing on the first items of clothing I found on the floor, my belly rumbling as I did. My belly was always rumbling, I’d noticed. As soon as I was suitably clothed (I’m playing a little fast and loose with the word suitably) I opened my bedroom door and stepped into the hall. Have I mentioned before that my life is a joke? I’m sure I have. Once again, impeccable timing on my behalf as I took the step out, not being the only person to be exiting a room. A girl stepped from Harry’s bedroom, clearly in her clothes from the evening before, quietly shutting the door behind her, before her eyes met mine. My stomach was on the floor. I just stared at her, my eyes shimmering, my lips open. There wasn’t a chance in hell I could keep my eyes off the girl. She was stunning. “Hey.” She whispered. “Would you mind letting me out?” It must have been a little creepy, the way I was staring at her, and I guess I caught onto that fact pretty quickly as I shook myself out of the state of madness I was in, literally shaking my head, my hands shaking too. “Yeah… Yeah, of course.” I whispered back. I went into my room and retrieved the keys as quickly as I could, and when I returned to her in the corridor, I refused to look at her. Simply refused. “Thank you so much.” She said sweetly as I opened the door. “No worries.” Once she was out of there I just bit my lip and pulled myself together. Why should I care? One tiny, unimportant evening had happened where Harry had touched me the way he had touched her the night before, and we had both agreed, happily, that nothing like that would happen again. I couldn’t be upset. I shouldn’t have been upset. I am not upset. I do not fucking care. I stared at Harry’s door as I walked by, going straight into the kitchen, still shaking a little bit but ignoring it, because it really wasn’t worth thinking about. Zayn was in the kitchen, cooking, like always, and chirpy, like always, even though he was bound to be rough as hell. “Mornin’” He grinned. “Happy Valentine’s Day.” “Eww. Is it really?” I grunted. “Sure is. The day of looooooove.” “Yeah. Love and self-loathing.” Zayn just laughed, but all I could think about was why the hell seeing her had bothered me as much as it had. I wanted to be Harry’s friend, and I didn’t want to ruin it, no way. But the main thing I kept thinking about was why we both felt that us being together like that, could ruin it. Why were we both so aware that it wouldn’t just be a casual thing? Why was our short friendship such a cherished thing anyway? I slumped onto the sofa, knowing over-thinking was the worst thing I could do, but seemingly the only thing I was doing. “I’ve got some good news.” Zayn said, cracking another egg, predictably for me. “I need some.” “Keep the fifteenth, sixteenth, and seventeenth of July free.” He smirked. “Why?” I sighed, sinking even further. “There’s this local festival near mine. It’s only a small thing but it’s amazing, and my mum has booked us tickets. Kinda like an early birthday present.” “Are you serious?” I sat up again. “Yeah! She got six tickets, so I was thinking me, you, Harry, Mike, Ed and Tally.” That did perk me up, quite a bit. I knew Zayn’s mum treat him like a little prince, it wasn’t all surprising that she had gone all out for his birthday like that. I was just glad I got to be a part of it. “That sounds amazing!” I squealed. “Right? And it’ll have been over a month since we finished un,i so it’ll be a bit like a reunion as well!” I was excited for it. It couldn’t come sooner. But at the same time, I didn’t want this first year of uni to end. I didn’t want to go and spend a summer with my mum, or my dad, or whoever I’d end up with. I just wanted to stay there. Things were simple there. I would have done anything to keep things simple.

[buckyscrystalqueen]

Life On The Road: Part 1

Pairings: Eventual Chibs x Reader

Warnings: Swearing, mentioned unprotected sex, one night stand, fluff, angst

Word Count: 4,380

Aesthetic by @sorenmarie87

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey y’all! It’s (Y/N) and Tinkerbell, the killer pitbull.” You said with forced happiness as you turned your phone and your Instagram live stream toward your dog in your passenger seat. Her ear twitched at the sound of her name but other than a huff, she didn’t move a muscle. “See, so vicious.” You turned the camera back to you and smiled as hearts and comments from your nearly two million followers started to pour in. “So anyways, I’d like ta thank y’all for all the awesome music suggestions last week on my blog; been busier than a moth in a mitten, I’ll tell you what. Y’all made this trip through Cali straight legit. However, y’all are so spot on with these songs, I managed to run out of gas somewhere north of Stockton. Yea, I know. Smooth as shit. Apparently the dang porch light’s on but ain’t no one home, t’day.

And a’course, I thought I had the back up diesel but I used it back in Vegas for the dadgum generator.” You sighed and ran your hand through your hair. “Normally I’d blame it on Tinkerbell but just wait until you see this Sunday’s video. I managed ta get her reaction on my GoPro the second the Beast pattered ta a stop an’ if it ain't the cutest thang, I don't know what is.” You reached out and fondly pat your dashboard as you talked about your truck and shrugged your shoulders.

“So any’a y’all out there in the Stockton area wanna come save my ass with some gas? I don’ wanna have ta lock Tink up in the Lagoon on the side’a the road, ya know?” You glanced at your side mirror as a 18-wheeler drove past you. “Welp. I needed ta stop for supper anyways so looks like I’m eatin’ here. If yea wanna rescue my southern ass, Tink and I are on interstate… shit, I ain’t even know. Looks like I’m unloading the bike from the back at save my damn self. Love all y’all!” You pursed your lips together and blew a kiss before waving at the camera. “Check in later!” With that, you hit the end button and sighed.

“The hail didn’t you remind me about gas, Tink?” You asked as you grabbed your truck keys and your purse. Tink, your gorgeous, beige, two year old, red nose, green eyed pitbull rescue, stood up and stretched on the passenger seat. You unclipped her seatbelt and she shook and waited for you to let her out on her side. You checked for traffic before jumping out of your black, Ford F350 Super Duty. You grumbled to yourself as you headed around the front to let Tink out so you could scrounge up something for the two of you for a slightly early dinner.

——

“Guys, look it’s her!” The Sons’ heads all perked up as Juice spun his laptop on the bar so everyone could see. Jax, Opie, Tig and Chibs all came over to watch your live stream.

“Damn… that accent gets me every time.” Tig moaned as Jax’s brow furrowed.

“Did she just say Stockton?” He asked as he tipped his beer toward the screen. The men all got quiet as they listened to the rest of your live video. As they watched, Juice pulled up a different screen on his laptop and pulled up the bookmark he had of your travel blog.

“Really, Juice? You have it bookmarked?” Opie asked as Juice navigated to the live map of your location. It probably wasn’t your smartest decision to give psycho’s the exact location you were in but you felt more secure as a single woman with your followers knowing where you were in case something really bad actually happened.

“That’s right outside Charming.” Chibs said as he pointed to the small photo of your dog’s adorable face; your choice of location beacon.

“Oh, we’re so going.” Juice said as you signed off your live video with a kiss.

“You’re gunna look like a damn stalker.” Jax said as he went back to his beer.

“Yea, on that note, I gotta get home.” Ope sighed as he grabbed his keys off the bar.

“I’ll go, just to hear that accent.” Tig said.

“Aye. Don’ ‘ear much’a tha’ back ‘ome.” Chibs agreed as he hit his hand on the bar. “Prospect! Get the truck and the extra gas can!”

“I call dibs. I found her videos first.” Juice said as he got up from the bar and closed his laptop.

“Can’t call dibs on a girl you don’t know.” Tig said as the three guys headed out to the lot to be your knights in shining armor. “She might be into older guys…”

“Ye’ve nothin’ on the foreigner, lads. Just ye watch.”

——

“Don’t you turn your nose up, miss thang. Just ‘cause it ain’t cooked on the grill, don’t mean it ain’t good steak.” Tink walked up to her Micky Mouse shaped dog bowl (so she would eat slower) and sniffed the cut up meat and dog food mixture in her bowl. You leaned against your tile covered counter top and cocked your eyebrow at her as you munched on the steak salad you had made. With a huff, Tink began to eat.

“Yea, that’s what I thought.” You glanced up your door as someone knocked at it and Tink instantly abandoned her meal. Her vicious growls and barks echoed in your 19 foot long, Scamp trailer as you reached up to grab one of the many guns you owned from the cabinet above the stove.

“I suggest ya back the fuck away from my door, now!” You called out as you pulled back the hammer on your gun. You grabbed ahold of Tink’s collar and stepped toward the door.

“Hey. umm… I’m… uh, shit. I follow your blog. Just figured you could use some gas.” Your eyebrows shot to your hairline as you kicked the handle of your door and let it fly open. You kept a firm grip on your dog’s collar and your gun pointed at the three men, who all jumped back when they saw you.

“See this is why I keep the danged map.” Your eyes danced between the three men for a moment before flipping the hammer of your gun up. “Easy Tink. Pas touche.” The second you said the French command for ‘leave it’, Tink laid off and took a seat at your heels with a deep, low growl still rolling in her chest. “Well… damn. If this ain’t the first time I got help from my followers. Come on in y’all.” You scratched behind Tink’s floppy ear and gently pulled her away from the door as the three guys looked at each other and stepped inside ‘the Lagoon’. You moved Tink’s bowl to the corner and set your gun down on the little table beside the chairs you had put in where the dining room table once sat.

“Wow…” The younger guy in the front said as he looked around your small fifth wheel. You had found it by happen stance after you lost your job four years before and it sparked something inside you. You took a year to clean it up, paint and decorate it to resemble a mermaid lagoon and make it more home-like than it was when you got it and you had been on the road ever since then. “It looks just like your videos.” You smirked and nodded as you leaned against your counter.

“I mean, it ain’t like I repaint the damn thing every other video.” You teased. “So y’all know my name. Who are y’all?”

“Tig, sweetheart.” An older, curly haired gentleman said as he stepped around the younger boy with a mohawk and tribal tattoos on his head. You could almost feel the cockiness oozing from  Tig as you took his out stretched hand and shook it firmly.

“You must be the one who found my videos in the first place.” You said sweetly as you looked at the younger man. He nodded and took your offered hand.

“Juice.” He said as a slight blush tinted the tips of his ears. You smiled sweetly and glanced up at the third man that, out of the three rescuers, you would absolutely not mind getting to know a little better if you had the option to.

“Chibs.” He said in a think Scottish accent you weren’t expecting. Your face revealed your surprise as you covered your heart with your hand.

“Well good Lawd will ya listen ta that accent!” You cooed with a sweet, genuine smile. “Betcha worked hard on that one.” You threw him a wink, causing him to blush as well. You looked at the three men and licked your lips. “Well thank ya kindly for helping me out. I’d love to stay and chat but I’m fixin’ ta have ‘bout a three hour drive ahead of me ta the next campground so I can get some laundry done ‘fore sun goes d…”

“We have a washer.” Tig said a little too quickly. He received a smack to the back of the head from Chibs, who cleared his throat.

“What he meant ta say was, if ye don’ wan’ ta race the sun, we’d be happy ta put ye up for the night. We’ve a washer and dryer ye don’t have ta pay for, hot water for a show’a an’ a real bed if ye’d like.”

“Well bless your hearts.” You sighed as you glanced down at Tink. “That actually sounds like heaven. Be able ta get ta bed early for once and give this little mutt a shower where she ain’t gettin’ dirty ‘gain right away. Won’t be much for company, though; Wednesdays are order days an’ I got bunch of them.”

“That’s OK.” Juice said with a nod of his head. You could tell just by the look in his eyes that he was slightly star-struck.

“Just so you know, we’re mechanics as well. If you want, we can look at your truck for you, free of charge.” You glanced over at Tig and smiled.

“Well I’ll take you boys up on that. I’m due for an oil change as is but I ain’t takin’ no free ride. So I guess just lead the way to the nearest gas station an’ I’ll follow y’all the rest of the way.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“You drink, luv?” You looked up at Chibs and nodded as you sealed the next envelope and put it in the box you needed to take to the post office.

“I do. Thank you kindly.” You took the beer from him and gestured to the seat next to you with a smile. “I legally have ta let you know that I’m recordin’. Though I’m always recordin’.” You said as you gestured to your laptop in front of you and the GoPro that was attached to the awning you were under. Chibs nodded as he took a seat and glanced up at the camera.

“Don’ ye get tired of cameras in yer face all the time?” He asked. You took a swig of your beer as you pulled up the next order for the crystals you sold on your laptop and laughed with a shake of your head.

“I’ve had cameras in my damn face for three years. I’m so used to it now I don’t even notice it.” You glanced over at him as you grabbed the box of Obsidian spheres and the box of Lapis spheres you had picked up to sell in Arizona from the tote box beside you. “It’s how I make money.” He cocked his eyebrow as he leaned back in the chair, jumping a bit when Tink pressed her nose against his elbow to get loved on.

“How do ye make money recordin’ yerself?” You glanced up at him and smiled as he scratched Tink on the top of her head.

“Lots’a different ways. Like right now, if I post this part of my week on Sunday’s video, I’m promotin’ the fact that I’m sellin’ crystals. I buy them ‘round the country and people flock ta them like bees ta flowers.” He chuckled at your analogy as you closed the shipping box and taped the shipping label to the top. “And I got companies that sponsor me for this an’ that.” You flicked your Mossy Oak ball cap to make a point.

“I wear their gear, promotin’ their business. My followers see that an’ they’re more likely ta buy their stuff. Ain’t much money in that; ten bucks here, five there but it adds up. I also write reviews on products I try out. Companies send me things ta try an’ pay me a few bucks to mention them an’ their products in my videos. I write those reviews up on Mondays and update my blog those days.” You shrugged as you closed the next envelope and grabbed the label.

“Travelin’ round the states ain’t just drivin’ ‘round. I work forty hours a week jus’ like everyone else. I just do it outta my truck.” You smiled as you grabbed the next box of tumbled stones you needed. “I do tutorials when I fix my RV or redecorate. I do yoga videos few times a month when I find a nice lake or some cool mountains and shit for a background. That’s what got me popular in the first place. Bein’ half naked in yoga videos an’ makin’ fun’a myself doin’ stupid shit when I drive. I called companies ta get sponsored way I do. But in the three years I’ve been doin’ this, I’ve been ta every national park few times and have met so many amazing people. I get ta see the United States in’a way ain’t many people get ta. An’ while it’s a pain in the ass ta live in a small RV sometimes, I ain’t gunna trade it for nothin’.”

“Sounds like a lot of fun, luv.” You smiled and nodded as you added another finished box to the rest.

“It is. I enjoy it more’n anythin’.”

“Wha’ made ye take off on the road in the first place?” You couldn’t help but pinch your lips together as you shook your head.

“Ain’t a story worth tellin’.” He nodded as you reached out, grabbed your beer and changed the subject. “How’s my truck?”

“Oil’s changed. Opie… one of the lads works ‘ere, is gettin’ a new radiate’a ‘ose. Yers woulda givin’ ye some trouble ‘bout a month or so. Rotated the tires for ye as well. And no, ye ain’t payin’ for shite.” Your jaw snapped closed and you scowled.

“Well thank you. That helps more than y’all ever know.” He tipped his head toward you as you tossed the last package into the box going to the post office. With a sigh, you glanced over at Tink, who was laying on her back in heaven, getting her belly rubbed. “Hey traitor. Wanna go get the clothes?” She twisted her body the slightest bit and huffed at you as Chibs pulled his hand away. With a grumble, she stretched and rolled over to her side, almost defiantly. You glanced up at Chibs and held your finger up with a smile. “You want a bath?” Almost instantly, she jumped to her feet and looked at you as her tail started wagging against the side of Chibs’ chair. You looked up at the man and smiled. “Wanna point me in the direction of a shower ‘fore I start laundry… maybe conserve water with me?” He smirked and nodded his head as he got up from the chair.

“I think tha’ can be arranged, luv.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Is it just me or does (Y/N) look like she’s putting on a little weight?”

“Getting a little puffy around the middle.”

“Love this view! Wish I could do what you do!”

“Stop hating on (Y/N)! Love that top, gurl. Going to get one myself, now!”

“Get it girl! Fuck the haters, you’re gorgeous!”

“Damn. Puffy or not, I wish I had a body like that.”

Your brow furrowed as you skimmed through the comments section of the most recent yoga video you posted by Lake McDonald in Montana.

“Puffy?! I ain’t puffy!” You said as you glanced down at your stomach. You had absolutely put on a few pounds in the past few weeks but you didn’t realize it was so noticeable. You glanced over at Tink as the two of you got some summer sun at a small campground in Montana. “Am I puffy, Tink?” She responded with a single, low ‘woof’ and you rolled your eyes. “Shut up.” You closed your YouTube app and set your phone down on your little table; trading it for a glass of sweet tea. You glanced at the liquid for a moment, trying to figure out what you had been eating the past few weeks that could have put weight on like you did.

You hadn’t been eating any different, sticking to chicken mostly because it was easy to freeze and easier to store in your small freezer. You didn’t eat many sweets because you couldn’t justify not sharing them with Tinkerbell and she didn’t need them either. The only real sugar you had was in your tea… You sat up slowly as you mentally ran through your grocery bills the past few months. Your stomach turned almost painfully as you realized ‘tampons’ hadn’t been added to the list in a while.

“Oh, son of’a bitch.” You took a deep breath, trying to steady yourself before standing up and grabbing your chair. Tink jumped to her feet, knowing the rules that she was supposed to stay at your heels at all times in campgrounds and followed you toward your camper. “Smart move, (Y/N).” You mumbled to yourself as you secured your ‘porch’ belongings inside and closed and locked the door. “Condoms, you moron. Condoms.” You grabbed your truck keys off the back tire and headed to the passenger side of your vehicle. You continued to grumble as you helped Tink into her seat and clipped her harness onto her broad chest.

“There's a tree stump in a Louisiana swamp with a higher IQ than me right now.” You grumbled as you headed over to the driver side and climbed in. You snatched the GoPro from your dash and dropped it in the middle console, not wanting to deal with filming yourself on the way to the store to get a pregnancy test.

——

Four pregnancy tests, a trip to the local walk-in clinic and an ultrasound later, you found yourself, absolutely, 100%, 14 weeks pregnant. You laid in your bed that night, staring out the sky roof you had installed yourself the year before at the star dappled night sky, running scenarios through your head of what to do.

You didn’t have a home to go back to, your permanent address was a PO box in your home town of Boone, North Carolina. The only family you had was an older, half sister that couldn’t stand the sight or though of you since, in her book, you were to blame for her mother dying during child birth. Your father dipped out when you were still in the hospital nursery and you had been in and out of foster care since you were a baby.

You made enough money on the road and had enough in your savings account that raising a baby on your own on the road wasn’t a big deal financially but then you’d be raising a baby on your own on the road. That in and of itself was a whole other beast to tackle. With your job choice, your child would be in the spot light from birth. Eventually, his or her father was bound to find out and would probably want to try to put a stop to it.

But your child would be raised to love the country and be respectful to the environment. It would see the beauties of the world most children didn’t get a chance to see. Sure, it would slow you down on the road a bit but in all honestly, where were you in a hurry to get to anyways? You lived day by day, staying in places for a day or a week at a time. It was entirely up to you. It would also open you up to new business opportunities as well… not that that was the sole reason to keep your baby.

It would give you the chance to meet even more people around the country and maybe even joining one of the many groups that traveled around together. But keeping the child meant home schooling and more bills per month. Couponing a little more hardcore than you already did could help that. You knew enough people on the road as is that getting hand me downs from other families would be easy.

You rolled on your side and looked at Tink, who was peacefully snoring away. With a baby, you would have to consider getting a bigger RV or adjust maybe just the current layout. Tink would have to get used to sleeping on the floor or at least down by your feet since she was spoiled. Eventually, you would have to turn the back area where you had the chairs you didn’t really use into a toddler bed.

A smile pulled at the corners of your lips as you though about having a baby. Watching her walk for the first time in the waters of the Atlantic Ocean. Helping him learn to read in the summer sun by Lake Tahoe. Sure it wouldn’t be easy by any stretch of the imagination… but at the end of the day, it would be worth it. You sat up and grabbed your phone as you flipped on the light on your bed. Tink opened her eye to see what you were doing just as you snapped a photo of her. With a grumble, she put her paws over her eyes and huffed lazily as you took the photo you really wanted and began to edit it. Half hour later, when you were completely satisfied, you added the photo to your Instagram without thinking of any consequences.

@TinktravelstheUSA- Mommy is so mean to me! She’s bringing a cryin’ little monster into my home for Christmas. I protest this new development, mommy. Babies suck!

Baby (Y/L/N) due in early December! Mommy-to-be and big sister, Tink are super excited to share the beautiful world with their little bundle of joy!

Within seconds of you uploading the photo of Tink with a drawn ‘future big sister’ hat, the comments and likes started rolling in. Congratulations and well wishes poured in with the peppered in negative comment here and there. They were always expected from people who didn’t agree with your lifestyle choices or others that were jealous for one reason or another. You smiled broadly at your decision and put your phone into do not disturb mode before climbing under your blankets to call it a night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey Chibs. You’re gunna wanna see this, man.”

“Kinda busy a’ the moment, Juicy.” Chibs called out as he held the starter he was replacing in place. He got the first screw tightened in place before he was pulled out from under the car by his ankle. “The bloody ‘ell…” His words sputtered to a stop as he stared at the instagram photo you had posted the week before of you doing a handstand by a lake you found in Buffalo Bill state park in Wyoming outside of Yellowstone and it was beyond obvious that you were five months pregnant.

“With everything going on, I haven’t been keeping up with her posts…” Juice couldn’t finish as Chibs ripped the laptop from his hands. He walked over and set it down on the work bench in the back of the garage.

“I need ta talk ta ‘er. ‘ow do I talk ta ‘er?!” He shouted as he clicked on the arrow beside the photo. He didn’t know whether to be happy or pissed as looked at the photo of your dog, resting her head on your baby bump protectively by the same lake. “Moth’a christ.”

“We can send her a message but I don’t know if when she’d see it…”

“Tha’s m’child, Juice!” He shouted as he started to shake violently. “Ahhh, fuck tha’s m’child.” Tears welled in his eyes as he grabbed onto the table edge in front of him for a moment. His stomach rolled and he ran to the trash can in the corner.

“Hell’s wrong with him?” Gemma asked as she stepped out of the office. Juice turned the laptop toward her as Half Sack ran toward the club house for a wet washcloth and some Jameson.

“Remember that girl with the dog who parked her RV here for a night like six months ago? Yea, she’s pregnant.” Gemma quickly came out of the office and headed over to the computer as Chibs sunk down into a corner.

“How do you know it’s yours? This gash could just want…” She started as she put on her reading glasses and looked at the photo.

“‘cause I was the first man she slept wit’ in a year.” Chibs groaned as he closed his eyes in an attempt to stop the headache that was beginning to pound in his skull.

“She had a thing for his accent. And she’s not after money or she would have messaged me to find Chibs. I stumbled on this myself. Don’t think she would have ever told him…” Chibs instantly lurched to his feet and got sick again, causing both Gemma and juice to cringe.

“Alright, get him into the clubhouse. No one needs to see this.” Juice nodded as he closed his his laptop and headed over to grab his best friend.

“Come on, buddy. Let’s get you inside.” Juice said as he helped Chibs to his feet.

“M’child. I’m gon’ be a father.” He muttered as he stumbled along, too stunned to say much anything else. “Fuck, Juice. M’child.”

“I know, buddy. I know. We’ll figure it out.”

Part 2

[graveyardari97]

I need this a whole sperate post.

[https://minority-media.tumblr.com/post/165119573343/life-is-strange-bury-your-gays-and-bullshit] -read this last night.

THIS RIGHT HERE BASICALLY SUMMERIZES HOW I FELT ABOUT THE ENDING OF THIS GAME AND WHY IT DESTROYS ME ON SO MANY LEVELS!

I didn’t even know what Life is Strange was until I saw video compilation of all the worse bury your gays. I didn’t even know that was an actually trope till I show it. I was just coming off the episode where they killed off Lexa I was so sad and pissed at the same time because I recently talked about how good the show was with how they were making the Clexa relationship but that even up in flames hella fucking quickly and I stopped watching. I tried to keep watching for the other actors I liked but I couldn’t do it then I think three episode later they kill off Lincoln a black man.

Anyways, in a way, Pricefield/Amberpice/Amberpricefield kinda mirrors Clexa in a way. The two medias gives us a strong relationship between two of the main leading ladies takes their time for you to love them as individual characters and then as a couple.

To later be like all this time and effort we put into this relationship was basically for shock vault it meant nothing here’s a relationship that’s drier than my hair!

Like, how many times do you want me to kill Chloe fucking game!? There was only two choice I didn’t think twice about and that was kissing Chloe and sacrificing the town! The whole game never gave me any reason to like the town. So, why make the right ending being the one where Chloe is dead?!

And another thing, people who think you’re a terrible person for nuking a whole town that didn’t give a fuck about the character we play gets me so mad.

I made a post a while ago talking about it and it will still piss me off. I don’t know much about the writing process in video game storyboarding but as an armature fanfiction writer, I thought of five different ways this could’ve played out.

Max could’ve re-winded back to the bathroom stopped Chloe from going in. She could have gone back to early in the game and warn people of the storm [sure people will think she’s crazy but there are beached whales] Chloe could’ve texted Max back in the BtS timeline “I’m having a shit day and mom’s got a shitty boyfriend that doesn’t like me. I want to hear your voice” IDK!

I am only 19-years-old and I could come up with a better story than the train wreck that Life is Strange is oh wait I already have!

I admit that I am a shit writer but a number of people that have read my original stories and liked it. Makes me really want to adapt my stories into a TV show. Shameless plug of my own story.

The war between hunters and supernaturals has been going on for years however the newer generation has brought this century long conflict all new sorts of drama. Follow the life of Ashley Kimaru and her group of friends as they fight off her ex-girlfriend who is hell-bent on ridding the world of these demons.

Does that sound interesting to you? If not the whole group of friends are in the LGBT+ and has/have dated one another and still make jokes about it daily. Here’s a something I wrote.

A twelve-year-old Ashley was sitting on the edge of the roof eating Sea Salt Ice Cream. It was the anniversary of the death of her parents, she was doing everything she could to avoid class.

“Hey what are you doing up?” asked young Jade.

Ashley looked up at her friend. “It’s that day. I can’t believe it’s been that long.” said young Ashley bringing her knees to her chest.

Jade confused. “What the hell are you going on about?” asked Jade.

Ashley sighs. “My parent’s death,” said Ashley.

Jade fumbles. “Oh, right I forgot. I’m sorry,” said Jade.

Ashley smiled at her best friend. “It’s not your fault,” said Ashley.

“I was wondering where my girlfriend when off too. Hey, babe you okay?” asked young Kylee.

Ashley shrugs “Hey K. I’m okay I guess.” said Ashley.

Jade not having any of this. “No, she’s not. It’s the day her parents were killed so she’s up here sulking,” said Jade.

Kylee frowns. “C'mon Ashley I don’t like seeing you sad,” said Kylee.

Ashley chocks back tears.“Sorry….I just can’t get his face out of my head,” said Ashley.

Jade sits next to her best friend letting her lean her head on her shoulder. “It’s not your fault! Listen to me you were only three. You couldn’t have done anything about it. Your parents would be proud of you now. The leader of a pack.” said Jade.

Ashley giggles. “You always know how to cheer me up, Kyuubi!” said  Ashley.

Jade nugs Ashley’s shoulder playfully. “Heh-heh it’s my job to cheer you up, Tanuki. If I can’t then who can?” said Jade.

Passing Jade a popsicle stick. “I’ll have to remember that. Hey, I got you this,” said Ashley.

Jade’s eyes lit up“Holy! You got me Sea Salt Ice Cream!?” asked Jade

Ashley grinned. “I know how much you wanted to try it. I bought it for you,” said Ashley

A bit hurt that her girlfriend didn’t think about her. “What I don’t get one?” asked Kylee.

Ashley gives her an apologetic look. “Sorry, I only bought one for Jade because she’s asked me to make her one,” said Ashley.

Kylee frowns. “Oh, okay then,” said Kylee.

Kylee stood there watching as her girlfriend was sitting there laughing with her ex-girlfriend. The two of them have known each other ever since they were kids. Jade met Ashley’s parents they were good friends after all. Sitting there listening to the stories about the adventures that Ashley and Jade had before and after the tragic event was making Kylee jealous.

Jade laughed recounting a remember. “You remember when you got stuck in that tree?” asked Jade

Ashley groans. “How could I forget? You had to run home to get my mom. I was so terrified of falling.” said Ashley.

Jade nodded. “Yeah, when I burst through the door mom thought you were really hurt. She ran out the house faster than I could keep up,” said Jade.

Ashley smiled. “She worried about me. When we got home that day she wanted me to remind you that she thanks you,” said Ashley.

Jade lean against Ashley. “I couldn’t let my best friend stay stuck in a tree. Besides dad would’ve kicked my ass,” said Jade.

Ashley grinned “Yeah, my dad would’ve been pissed if he heard you left me out to dry.” Ashley laughed.

Kylee looked at her girlfriend confused. “Wait, you call Ashley’s parents mom and dad too?” asked Kylee.

Jade nodded. “We’ve been friends since we were babies and our parents were friends too. So, it was like we had another set of parents,” said Jade.

Kylee side glared Jade.“Oh, so you two were really close huh?” asked Kylee in a bitter tone.

Ashley smirked. “Heh-heh-heh that’s an understatement. Jade was my first girlfriend.  My mom thought were going to get married.” said Ashley.

“Kylee shocked by this nearly falling off the roof. “What?!” asked Kylee.

Jade sighed. “After the death of her parents. Everything wasn’t the same anymore. I tried my best to keep her together but it wasn’t working out. So, we ended things.” said  Jade.

Ashley hit her head on Jade’s shoulder “Jade, I’m sorry I didn’t call for a while after that. I was so depressed with life,” said Ashley.

Jade wrapped her arm around Ashley. “Don’t worry about it Tanuki! I know you didn’t mean to cut me out of your life,” said Jade.

Ashley smiled up at Jade.“See this is why I love you so much! You always know how to cheer me up.” said Ashley.

Jade leaned her forehead against Ashley’s. “It comes with the job description. Best friends are there to cheer one another up.” chuckled Jade.

Ashley closed her eyes. “I’ll have to remember that next time,” said Ashley.

Jade kisses Ashley’s forehead.“See you don’t have to be depressed on this day,” said Jade.

Ashley smiled. “Thanks, Kyuubi,” said Ashley.

Jade shifted her weight. “Hey, I know what will cheer you up!” said Jade.

Ashley’s ears perk up. “You mean?”

Jade grinned. “Yup! Happy birthday,” said Jade as she handed Ashley a CD case.

“You did!” freaked Ashley.

Jade stuck her tongue out at Ashley with a wink. “Look at the back,” said Jade as Ashley flipped the case to the back as she gave Jade the biggest hug ever.

Kylee feeling left out. “What did she just give you?” asked Kylee.

“I got her the “Wicked” soundtrack and it’s signed Idina Menzel,” said Jade

Ashley smiled that her face hurt. “You’re the greatest, Jade!” said Ashley.

Jade shrug sheepishly. “You want to start playing it?” asked Jade

Ashley snapped her fingers. “You wanna sing “For Good” with me?” asked Ashley.

Jade nodded. “If I get to be Glinda,” said Jade

Ashley give her friend that look that said are you really gunna ask that. “Always,” said Ashley.

“I’ve heard said that people come into our lives for a reason bringing we must learn and we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them. And we help in return. Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true but I know I’m who I am today because I knew you. Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun, like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood. Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better but because I knew you. I have been changed for good.” sang Jade

“It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime. So, let me say before we part: So much of me is made of what I learned from you. You’ll be with me like a handprint on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend. Like a ship blown from it’s mooring By a wind off the sea. Like a seed dropped by a skybird In a distant wood. Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better But because I knew you.” sang Ashley

The two of them started singing the song as Kylee watched. Sitting there in complete and utter jealousy because she doesn’t know anything about Ashley or even Jade for that matter. It was that day everything went down hill for the three young girls.

I still think I’m a shit writer but I have been told otherwise. I don’t know I would love to know what you think.

Here’s to hoping one day maybe I do get this greenlit. I’m just tired of all the queerbaiting and guilt tripping these story writers are doing. They do not know what type of damage they are putting us through. I still find myself crying over Lexa’s death. And I keep thinking how sacrificing Chloe is the “good” ending of the game despite everything that Max is.

This isn’t about some fictional character dying! No, this is about how showrunners and whatever other people that want to make a story use us as shock value. It isn’t fair that there is a trope that is called burying your gays it isn’t fair that we are not looked at as being part of the fandom! Yeah, I’m looking at you Supergirl cast that mocked Supercorp and I don’t even watch Supergirl! I just want to see my story, my life being just as important as heterosexual ships. And it feels like we’re always fighting a losing a battle because people fail to see why we are so hurt.  

Dammit….now I made myself cry. I guess I’ve been holding onto that thought for a while now. It shouldn’t hurt this bad just because I’m gay. I shouldn’t have to fight to see people like me in media happy. This is the result of this trope having me yelling at my computer screen at 11:34 PM.

I just….can’t. Well, that’s my rant for today. I’m gunna get back to writing about my happy gay characters

Being gay shouldn’t hurt this much.

[forgotten-in-love]

Why did you cheat?

Well as I've said, there's really no excuse for cheating on someone, but if I had to explain my feelings I'd say that I was in a relationship where it was really good at first and then a lot of issues started to come up. In reality, the relationship was only decently healthy for about 9 months but it lasted over 2 years. I was becoming very unhappy, there was a lot of jealousy and insecurity, thinking everyone was attracted to me and had alterior motives, didn't like when people would compliment me on my pictures, would be very passive aggressive and never tell me why he was upset and would just post passive aggressive statuses instead, get upset if I didn't text back quick enough, question why I'd wear make-up to the club I worked at (like thinking I was looking good for someone else type stuff) saying that he wished I wear it for him more often, would apparently text other people there to keep tabs on me to make sure I wasn't dancing/flirting with anyone but would almost never want to come with me or dance with me, when I'd finally get really upset at any of these things he'd suddenly become really self deprecating saying things like "I'm sorry I'm such an awful partner, I don't know why your with me..." etc. so then I'd feel bad and convince him he wasn't a bad partner. It's her really bad, I started adopting the same problems and treating him the same way when he'd do the same things (being hypocritical) and he'd get pissed as if he hasn't gotten angry at me for the same silly things. When it would get too bad, I'd break up with him but then he'd sort of make it seem like I was the only happiness he had, that he didn't don't know if he could live without me. He'd cry hysterically begging me not to break up with him saying he'd get better, he'd say all the right things; And I'd be genuinely scared that he'd do something and I cared about him so I'd end up getting back with him in the hopes that maybe it'd get better. Then it would happen all eve again. One of the last times we were broken up for a month, during which time I slept with someone else, I ended up having to come drop off important mail for him that came to my place (he'd lived with me for a while) and I asked him to not be home so I could just leave it outside, he was in the parking lot, he took the mail then started going off asking me if I slept with anyone and I said I didn't want to talk about it, he asked again so I finally said yes, then I started just walking to my car, he followed me and asked me the same question. I was confused so I was like "I already told you..." then he slapped me across the face and I just got in my car and drove off. We weren't together for almost 2 months after that during which time I reconnected with a woman named Jazmin who is 10 years older than me who I had met online when I was 13 and developed an emotional relationship with. I had always promised that I'd come see her once I was 18 and I was 19 at the time and just said fuck it, I'm gunna come to Las Vegas and see you so I bought plane tickets for a month out to see her. Then Liam and I started talking somehow, same thing as always. I was honest about Jazmin and told him everything about her and I and my plans to see her. He said he wanted to be with me and begged me not to go. I told him I needed to get closure with Jazmin and that without doing that, we couldn't start off in a good new relationship... I told him I couldn't promise that I wouldn't sleep with her, he was very upset. For a couple weeks he pretended to be at least moderately understanding but last minute was going back to not wanting me too and it was just so complicated and I was scared he'd go off the deep end and I cared about him and I did want to try again so I just said "fine, I won't sleep with her. I promise". I went to see her. He started texting a lot, getting passive aggressive, angry, not letting me have much free time to not reply to him, would get mad if I didn't, got mad when he saw a picture I posted of myself wearing make up and assumed I was trying to look good for her, tried calling me to argue (white I was with her on the strip) over and over. And I was just so so over it. I was so unhappy with him, he wasn't changing, he was making me feel like shit and I realized how much sooner I should've left him for good, but that I'd only stayed because I didn't want him to kill himself and because I thought he'd get better. On one of the last days there, I was so upset, I wasn't talking to him, Jazmin came back to my hotel, we drank, we talked, she knew what was happening and we ended up sleeping together. I felt horrible, I'd never cheated on anyone before. I went back to Portland and didn't tell him. I sort of looked for an excuse to end the relationship again and just haven't gotten back with him since. It's been a little over a year now. And the reason I didn't get sucked back in was because I just couldn't deal with the guilt of what happened and knew I couldn't tell him and I also couldn't be with him and just lie about that. So my guilt kept me away. And that's what happened.

[yogimanayo123-blog]

(photo by  @locapinay)

.hans. Interview

.hans. is a Korean rapper from New Zealand, I interviewed him to learn more about his music, current favorite artists and a few other things!

Read below

1.    When and how did you get interested in hip-hop?  

I always knew of it growing up, but when I was around 14, I started getting into it a bit more just because a couple of my friends were listening to it too. It just went on from there.

2.    What gave you the drive to make your first EP? Did you have any fear about sharing it?

I just felt like I needed a project out there really, before that I’d been putting out sporadic singles here and there but I really just wanted something that I could call a body of work, more so than an EP or anything. It was a little bit scary sharing it at first because I thought the first song sounded way too pop. I told myself “No ones gunna listen anyways”, so I just put it out for free !

3.    Who are your biggest influencers (musically or personally)?

I think for me; Mac Miller, Chance, Isaiah Rashad,  Home Brew and King Krule are very big influences in my own sound. I think King Krule especially these days.

4.    As a second-generation migrant, did you have any identity difficulties growing up in New Zealand?

A bit, yeah. Just growing up in general, it’s hard to find a sense of identity sometimes. It wasn’t all bad though, I’m very thankful for my upbringing.

5.     What advice do you have for young kids who may battle identity issues due to where they grew up?

This sounds so cliché and lame, but just be yourself. Don’t do shit that doesn’t sit well with you. People will respect you more for it.

6.    Do you think it’s important for artists to use their platforms to speak out on political and social issues?

YES! Although I don’t expect artists to be conscious 24/7 365, I think it’s a waste of a platform to not say anything at all.

7.    In a previous interview you stated that “if you are inside hip-hop you have a responsibility to stand up for the struggle and to also be socially conscious and acknowledge the origins of music”. I couldn’t have worded that better, and living in Korea I have noticed that as hip-hop becomes more mainstream here there is also a lot more culture appropriation and not many artists speaking out about problematic issues. What steps do you think Korean rappers could take to make themselves more aware?

Just study the culture. Take the time to study the socio-political climate that this music originated from, learn to respect that and be grateful that the culture has given you a platform to express yourself.

8.    Do you ever experience a creative block in your music or personal life? How do you regain motivation?

All the time! I had a really really bad one from 2015 to 2016 where I would hate everything I did, or just didn’t record anything at all. I personally just try stay away from music for a while, at least until I can get back into a creative space.

9.    Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

As the 1st choice goalkeeper for Manchester United.

10. Can you give us any info about your upcoming projects?

Not really, because I haven’t exactly started haha, but I am looking to put something together for 2018. I would very much like to put another visual out too.

11. Do you think you would ever try to break into the hip-hop scene in Korea? Why or why not?

No, not really. I like the scene but I just feel like I wouldn’t be able to adapt, plus my Koreans not that great anyways ☹

12. Are there any artists in the Korean hip-hop scene who you really dig?

I haven’t been listening to too much lately to say, but I do really like Nafla, Okasian & DPR Live.  

13. Can you recommend some of your favorite New Zealand hip-hop artists for our website viewers who aren’t from New Zealand.

There’s waaaaay too many to name, but I’d say start with anything from the YGB collective.

14. Can you remember the first album you bought?

It was the Midnight Youth album, The Brave Don’t Run hahah, bought it straight from the Warehouse.

15. What do you do in your chill time?

Watch music videos all day.

16. Favorite Korean snack and favorite New Zealand snack?

Korean is probably Onion Rings, NZ probably Blue Bird salt n vinegar chips.

17. Our website has a large focus on personal style- how do you use clothes to express who you are? What’s your ideal outfit?

Oh wow, I don’t really think I have much style to be honest. I do have this hoodie I bought in Katoomba Sydney that I really like though. I don’t really put much attention into my clothes, but I’d say my ideal outfit would be something very plain? Anything not formal, I hate formal shit.

18. I have a few questions from some of your followers:

o   Are you going to the Drake concert?

YES

o   Do you know about the Korean Hip Hop concert happening in Auckland? If so, are you going to it?

No, not really a fan of the artists to be honest.

o   Who would you want to collaborate with in the New Zealand music scene?

Tom Scott.

o   What’s the last song you listened to?

Gus Dapperton – I’m Just Snacking.

19. Describe yourself in 3 words.

Blue Katoomba Hoodie

20. One last thing, say anything. Express yourself!

Listen to the new Gus Dapperton EP man shits fire. Also my good friends Imugi have an EP coming out soon so watch out for that !

Check out his upcoming gig at the Basement Theatre in Auckland:

https://www.facebook.com/events/1964048520537625

You can also follow Hans.’ soundcloud and instagram accounts below:

https://soundcloud.com/kimyuntak/tracks

https://www.instagram.com/kim_yun_tak/

[itsudemoyoshiwara]

[18:06] Kisling turns the corner, fiddling with the phone in her skirt pocket. Today had been remotely boring and Callista hadn't texted her at all. As she looks forward, she freezes upon who it is exactly that she sees. She stares at Lek, her face as white. Should she talk to him? Should she leave him alone? Agh... [18:07] (no name) Lek walked down the street with music blaring about in his headphones, taking a deep breath through irritation in an attempt to calm himself down. Looking over the area for anyone before spotting the female. Although she seemed to already start walking off before he could talk with her. Clenching his teeth as he looked around some more. He would definitely be recognizable for Lumi, he even had the backpack and baseball bat with him right now just like the teen years. Although with his back turned the male wouldn't notice her, looking down to ruffle at his hair with a sigh. Stressed Lek was stressed. [18:09] Kisling stares at him a bit more before shaking her head, clenching her fists and walking stiffly up to him. He'll probably run, or something. She stands behind him for a moment, unsure of what to say or do but she probably looks like some sort of stalker, she knows. Kisling reaches out to touch his shoulder gently and she would back away after doing so, afraid of his reaction. Nobody wants to get hit with a bat. Even if it's in his backpack. [18:17] (no name) Lek didn't seem to notice her until Lumiere walked up behind him and touched his shoulder. That glare and smug look still stuck on his face while pissed. Turning walkway while pulling down his headphones, figuring the person talked already and he hadn't heard. The man thought it may have been Kayla and didn't make any rude or harsh movement towards the touch. Although seeing Lumi he would freeze, frowning deeply before turning his back to her. Planting both hands over his face while peeking up at the sky in a mumble, "Go figuah." Taking a deep breath with puffed cheeks on the exhale he would start to walk off like she wasn't even there. He didn't need this, there was way too much to deal with. All this stress and turn of events keep piling up, the last thing he needed was for Lumi to go right back at it. Although his actions would have seemed rather cruel or heartless even though, despite his anger, each step just stabbed at him. [18:20] Kisling looks completely dejected, her arms hanging at her sides limply. She kinda knew he'd ignore her but, hot damn. Gotta be like that? You should probably go home and wait for Callsita. Then again, Callista would get on you for not taking the chance to talk to him. Remembering her roommate's words from the night before, she walks slowly after Lek, her hands clutching the sides of her skirt as she moved forward. The scene was probably awkward to see, should anyone pass by it. [18:30] (no name) Lek kept walking, tensing up as he didn't hear her call out yet. Was she... really going to leave him alone? That just didn't seem right, after what she did before it was hard to imagine that Lumiere would just NOT follow. Lek felt rather uncomfortable about it, trying to peek around his shoulder without giving it away. Which would lead to turning his head an inch and then trying to play it off, going near the corner to turn. With this he would take the chance to quickly glance over and notice a piece of her arm. She was following! Bah! He looked forward and facepalmed, another deep breath before spinning around. "What?!" Wow. That was rather harsh and blunt. Although he was already so stressed this week and knew she would eventually say something if the woman was following after. Easing up he looked upset for barking the word out, noting her hair. It was different. Even after seeing her three years later it seemed like his memories kept pulling out images from three years back. [18:35] Kisling bites her lip as she follows him, wondering how he'll take her essentially stalking-- She flinches as he finally notices her, her gaze falling downward. She knew that seeing him was probably the worst thing right now, especially if what Callista had said was right. Looking back up at him, she says nothing, reaching out to grab lightly onto his backpack. Should he start walking again, she'll just keep following; though if he pulls some sprinting crap, there's not much she can do at that point. Her body was weaker than it used to be, after all. Shame really. "I'm not going to try and talk you into anything, I promise," Kisling says quietly, her grip on his bag a little tighter as she speaks. He'd better not run. [18:44] (no name) Lek looked down at her, his expression growing soft. When seeing her for the first time in three years he thought it was a dream, him going mad. He had those dreams before, rather they be consider nightmares or not was uncertain. But.. seeing her again. It was more of a realization. It really was her. She really was here, now, and she was going to stay here. He wanted to leave this town badly but not until he would fix things with those two men threatening Kayla. Looking down at her hand grabbing the backpack he was thankful she wasn't going to hold his hand. Contact.. only made things even worse- harder- to deal with all this. Turning around as he started walking again, taking deep breaths through the stress. Today was more exhausting than most days, Kayla and him fought- what? Twice? Thrice today? His whole body was tensed up while noting that Lumiere was still following. After awhile he would turn around again. His voice at first a shout before getting weak, "Lumi! Will you... stop?! Sirousley?! (c) [18:44] (no name) All you.. ugh.. ya say ya ain't gunna talk me in nahthan but followin' me is da same shit.... yur bein' selfish." [18:44] Kisling (honey.martiel): LOL.)) [18:51] Kisling keeps her attention locked on her hand, still holding tightly onto his bag as she continues to follow. His stop seemed somewhat abrupt to her and she bumbs into him softly, looking up before he turns around. Lek's words hurt, of course. However, they were true and she couldn't help but smile a bit, covering her mouth soon after she notices her expression. "But I am selfish," she says simply. "And, I want to see you before you try and run off or something." Kisling had a feeling he would. Did Kayla fail to keep him with her too? Was he that adamant about not being around her? [18:58] (no name) Lek flatbrowed a little as it seemed like she was smiling. What? No. Maybe you're seeing things, or her lips would tensing up. Then again it was Lumi, so maybe she was trying to smile to lighten the mood? It was still.. a little odd. Taking a deep breath he would continue, as if just flushing out feelings to her once she admitted. "Ya'know?! Do ya even fuckin' think 'bout how all dis is makin' me feel?! But nah. Ya jus wanna do what -you- think is best. Well it's not best. Jus go ba-...jus... stop it." He turned around and started walked away a little faster. Lek's voice had grown weaker and even slightly shaken while he ranted. Noticing his blurt all that out he would at least stop himself before saying more, last thing the guy needed was to do something embarassing like cry. [19:03] Kisling takes a deep breath, seeming a bit agitated at his accusations. Not thinking about him? He didn't think about her either. It's only returning his behaviour. As he picks up his pace, she does as well, still following him quite dilligently. She reaches out to grab into his bag again, pulling him back a bit in hopes that he'll face her a third time. Where does he get off about feelings and shit? He's the one who left her ass without a word for two years, and then refused to try and explain himself. Lek could give her that courtesy, she's sure. "Hey!" If he resisted, she'd pull again or grab tighter in order to relentlessly follow him. [19:10] (no name) Lek clenched his fist and rubbed the right thumb against the curled up index finger near the fleshy part. Other hand on the backpack that, as she tugged, he would stop to turn. Looking at her weakly before beginning to look forward as if ready to attempt walking off again. Although she would repeat it, looking over in a agitated grunt. He just wanted this to be over with. His expression was almost a plea, "What?" Seeing her was just too difficult. Hell, just knowing she was within 100 miles of him was too difficult. Lek wanted to hold her and pretend like nothing else matters but it did. He didn't need to get her hopes up to crash them back down. [19:15] John Cook (markandrewharris) waves tot he pair on teh street. "Excuse me, folks. Can I have a moment of your time? [19:16] Kisling looks at him with a frustrated expression, her free hand also clenched into a fist. "Where do you get off telling me shit like that? When you're the one who was inconsiderate in the first place." Her tone is low, angry. She'd tried really hard not to resent him for that, to think he had a good reason but the way it stood... him not telling her, it really pissed her off. "The least you could do is tell me. Do you want me gone? I want you to honestly tell me that you don't want me anymore. Why did you leave? Huh?" The setting for this was probably inappropriate, also given that her volume was beginning to increase the more she spoke. Maybe Callista shouldn't have cheered her up last night. Pulling on his backpack again, she starts to drag him away; a nostalgic feeling. If he tried to run off, she'd steal his backpack. Mhm. John's words distract her for a moment as she turns to look at him, "Uh... I guess?" she says, somewhat shly. So bipolar today. [19:25] (no name) Lek took a deep breath as she said what he was waiting to come out of her mouth. Raising his voice at her in frustration, "Incasidareut?! Realley?! I fuckin' did it fo' you! Bu naah, what da fuck you do? Huh!? Ya say it dohn maddah why I'm doin' dis. What if ya got hurt?" He grunted in frustration and looked to her shocked as she said to just say it. Should he? It did seem like if he didn't Lumiere would continue on with this. Clenching his jaw at the thought, was it really time to do something he would hate himself for? Although it seemed the best, he would have to hurt her for Lumiere to finally have some closure and heal. To find someone else in her life and be happy. Biting at his lip he would mutter out, "I'm gunna leave tahmorrow. Dohn try ta follow. I....I dohn waunt you." Uggggggggh. His heart just about ripped up from that. Being dragged he would lower his ground and pull at the backpack with a grunt through his teeth, "Lumi. Stop. It's.. over." His feeling spinning negatively, (c) [19:25] (no name) anger at himself but anger nonetheless. Lek of course didn't channel it at her, he seemed to never actual channel his temper at Lumi like others. Although there was John. It would probably seem like Lek hadn't changed the last three years as he glared over at the man and snapped at him in a brusk tone, "Fuck off!" [19:26] John Cook (markandrewharris) held u pa figner to Mat. "Mind yourself, son." He looks to the nicer girl. "I'm looking for information about a woman who drowned in this town and now haounts the town as a ghost with seaweed hair and water flowing out of her mouth." He said, with a serious face. [19:31] Kisling keeps a grip on Lek's backpack as she hangs her head. Now wasn't the time to be yelling at him, not in the middle of the street. Glancing over at John, she shakes her head, "I'm not sure. I haven't heard about that." The way he took it so seriously, with how that sounded... Normally it would make her laugh but. Ugh. As soon as Lek goes off, she jerks him forward, glaring at him. Had he not grown up at all? Good lord. "You..!" This whole scene was embarrassing. She had to get him somewhere else so they could talk. Looking at John again, she apologizes and starts to drag Lek off again. [19:32] Kisling (honey.martiel): i.e., she's disregarding Lek's words till she gets him alone. u wu So it falls on deaf ears.)) [19:34] (no name) Lek looked at her like he was perfectly innocent, "What?!" and frowned as the other man spoke to him, seeing it as if it was some sort of insult. Especially as he said son, turning around all and laughed in disbelief ((like 'ohnohejustdidnt' type of gesture)) with the shake his head. Hearing about a ghost he would, quite literally think this guy must be insane. Suddenly the man pulled would his baseball bat and point it towards John with a pissed look. His tone was still harsh, "Listen dipshit! I look like yur son?! Fuckin' watch yo mouth bahfo' I bust it!" Although it may have looked almost comical with his stance all 'tough guy' and the bat pointed at his before he stumbled sideways in the same stance as she dragged him away before lowering the belt, "Bah! Let go!" [19:34] John Cook (markandrewharris) calls after them as they leave. "I'm holding a sermon the sunday after next in the townhall during the evenign! I hoep to see you there!" Before he looks around for someone else to randomly talk to. [19:46] Kisling stops after the gate clicks shut and turns around, grabbing his jacket with both hands. "What... is your," she pauses, pushing him against the gate with as much force as possible. "Your issue!?" Wow. Violent much? Not very like you, Lumi. Kisling glares at him, her eyes finding his. Letting go of his shirt, she leans forward as usual and is up in his face. "Tell me again what's over? Who do you not want? Look me dead in the eyes and tell me exactly what you just said." Her tone becomes less angry and more upset the more that she rambles, looking like she might cry by the end of it. Kisling balls her hands into fists that hang down at her sides, continuing to look up at him. "Well?" [19:52] (no name) Lek quirked a brow at the man's words in a mumble, "Da fuck is a sermon?!" Meanwhile he would have got dragged about reluctantly and lowered his head. Memories. Groaning as he stumbled with her, "Lumi.. stop... didn't ya hear meh?!" It pained him already in saying that it was over once, he didn't want to do it again. Stopping abruptly as she turned around with a dumbstruck and upset look on his face. Suddenly grabbed he would just allow her to push him with a step back before his own voice rose, "Calm yoself!" His eyes wouldn't meet hers and constantly look off anytime she tried. Suddenly.. up in his face. Flashbacks right there of about anytime she had every yelled at him three years back. Finally he would back up and try to head for that small door, shouting out as he didn't need to look at her. "IT is ovah. IT's been ovah. Since I left two yers back. -We- done." His posture turned more slumped, "We're done.. I'll be gone so it ain't mean no thang. Jus fo'get me." [19:59] Kisling watches as he scrambles to ditch her, her frustration hitting it's peak. She stomps angrily, like a dissatisfied child. He couldn't even look her in the eyes and say that? "God dammit! You're so pathetic!" she screams, rushing forward and pushing him away from her. "I'm not taking that bullshit from you! You can't even be convincing?!" His lies hurt more than if he had actually meant it. She knew he was lying, he had to be. He couldn't say it to her face and he was terrible at lying to her. Unable to handle it anymore, she falls to the ground in a blubbering heap and tries to text Callista. She takes off her glasses, fumbling with the buttons as her vision becomes blurred with tears. Why did she even try? [20:11] (no name) Lek stopped as she called him pathetic before stumbling forward as she pushed the man. He tensed up completely, his heart seeming to stop as he bit his lip so hard that blood was drawn. He had to really do something to make her hate him, to stop this. What exactly though? He was doing this for her, right? To protect her. But turning around he would hate himself in these actions. Grabbing onto her arms he would slam her, although lightly, against the wall and lean down. Lying through his teeth before sounding rather harsh, "Ya wanna know da truth?! I. Hate. You." And there he might have just died inside. Convincing though. Was that convincing enough? Maybe not. He needed her to HATE him, "I've- I've ahlways hated you. Yur a fuckin' waste ah mah time. Ahlways held meh back at da 'cadamy. Yur. Nahthin. To. Me. So fuckin' drop it. -Now-. Bah'fo-" although whenever she started to cry he would let go of her and back up. Watching her wall down and gave this heartbroken expression. Was that really neccessary? (c) [20:12] (no name) She was.. so persistant. He felt like it was the only way to make her stop trying. His heart seemed to beat painfully and stomach feeling with toxins as he turned to walk away. Each step felt like miles. Going on he would proceed to the motel, this seemed as low as everything could go. [20:23] Kisling leans forward, her hands pressed to the ground as she bites her lip to muffle her sobbing. What the fuck was with him, he could seriously say things like that to her but not look her in the face while he does so? Even if she knew he wasn't being truthful, those words hurt. She forces herself to stand and brushes off her skirt,  rubbing her face with her sleeves. "I still don't believe it." She pushes her way through the gate and heads back to her workplace, probably to hide behind some of the bookshelves and sulk while she waited for Callista.

[intoafandom]

uhh do you like kevan miller? wasn't he the one who said "all lives matter"? LMAO it doesn't matter if he's a nice guy in the locker room. if he has problematic lines and political positions, that should be enough. please, educate yourself.

I know I always say that I will never post anything political on my blog, but I’m probably gunna have to make a post about millsy/kampfer/now freddy/hockey culture (just so my followers/mutuals know where i stand on this stuff so i never have to talk about it again lol. Cuz trust me its a whooole thing lol)

Ok so back to Miller. I think I’ve said this before (but on a small scale) that I haven’t been watching hockey for toooo long. I only started watching during the playoffs of the 2017-18 season when a game was just randomly on my tv cuz nothing else was on. Now i cant remember if he was actually playing during the like 5? games that I watched, especially since the only player I could remember was “Tuuk Arask” (which is what I seriously thought his name was lol). Either way, they got eliminated and for some reason I follow the team the entire summer and kept up with their preseason and everything. Which then lead into me watching the amazing 2018-19 season and so on to this day. And again I cant remember if miller was actually playing during that year cuz i only got reeeeally into it on like march 2019. But what I do remember, is that I started watching older games on YouTube in like October of 2018. They weren’t playing yet and theres only so many preseason games and i wanted more hockey as a new fan. So i watched ton of games aaaall the time and miller was a BEAST. And again, as a new fan at this time, i knew literally nothing about the game or players numbers or even their NAMES. Like for context, im a SERIOUS patriots fan, and even I cant name everyone on the team plus their numbers like i can now with the bruins. But anyways, not knowing anything, i just watched for the score + the crazy hits and fights that would happen cuz that’s what draws your attention as a new fan you know? I wasn’t watching for the players, I was watching for the HOCKEY aspect. I wanted to learn and experience what it was. So after watching a ton of older games and getting halfway through the 2018-19 season, I started to actually care about the players and figure out who they actually were as well as their numbers. And i got obsessed with figuring out who they all were and I got so proud of myself for finally being able to identify them on the ice without seeing their faces on the bench. So miller was a part of that group. He was on the roster when i made that little mission for myself. I also have to point out that the 2018-19 season his VERY special for me because its the first time I actually watched an entire season of hockey. I got to experience literally everything except the cup. I got every round of the playoffs, the outdoor new years game, pre season in china, learning the actual GAME etc. The roster is very special to me because they were the first hockey team I ever came to love. Kevan Miller was a part of that team. Like Ryan Donato and JFK and Bjorkie and MoJo etc. I LOVE the people on that roster for something more than just hockey. Its hard for me to explain because it’s a very special thing that I’ve never actually talked about or said out loud and im not going to get entirely into it rn cuz I’ll probably make another post about it with all of the other stuff i said. But basically its pretty much impossible for me to hate the people that were on that specific roster. That’s one of the reasons why I will always like Millsy. Among other reasons as well.

I like that he’s tough as nail and that he isn’t scared of anything or anyone. I like how much of a nice guy he is in the locker room. I think it was pasta? in his recent spittin chiclets interview, (it may have actually been cmac. I cant remember) but one of them mentioned how because of Millsy’s rehab and covid, it was super hard to actually SEE him. Like he was never around. And everyone would get so excited to see him whenever he was supposed to come back, only to get super sad when he wasn’t able to make it due to more surgeries etc. The guys know him the best and if they can get past his political opinions and still love him than that HAS to count for something right? I know Kevan Miller as a pretty great player who’s tough as nails and always stands up for his teammates. He never gives up and battles back. He seems like a great dad and his daughter is adorable for an added bonus lol. I’m not getting into my political opinions and whether or not I agree with his. And honestly I don’t really care about his. I follow him on insta, as i do with every single bruin since the 2018-19 season, and ik the type of stuff he posts. He doesn’t really post a lot of political stuff. He only really does on his story and even then its not that often. Ik a lot of liberals will be like “well if he supports this thing then everything else is bad and i cant support him” I’m not like that. One “bad” thing that they like or one “bad” opinion is not a enough for me to think he’s a bad person. Especially when you consider everything else about him.

Please do not tell to “educate myself.” I like Kevan Miller for many reasons. I know his political views and the stuff he stands for. It’s not that I dont care, it’s that i dont think his political views matter enough when I judge his character. Political views aren’t super important to me and i dont really care to take them into consideration when judging if I like a person or not. Miller can support trump if he wants to or whatever. Its not that I like him because he likes trump, i like him cuz he’s not afraid to say he likes trump. He’s HONEST which not many people nowadays can say. I knew what I was getting myself into when i said i like miller since most of bruinsblr hates him. But im not going to let a group of people decide who I should and shouldn’t like or why I shouldn’t like a person. I wanna decide for myself, even if others get upset by my decisions.

I’ll make a different post explaining everything better.

[looselucy]

Sunflower

19 “Come in, come in!” My mother ushered the two of us inside. I was cringing at my state already, but I refused to let go of Harry’s hand. Even when my mother opened her arms to him, expecting a hug, I made the experience very awkward for him because I just didn’t let go. He leant down to her, receiving a warm welcome. “You must be Harry.” She said the obvious. “So I’ve been told.” Harry replied. He gave her a friendly kiss on the cheek before he withdrew, and I wondered if Curls just had this effect on mothers, because my mum was swooning just looking at him. He’d said four words and I could tell she was smitten.

He withdrew from her, and came and stood beside me, our arms bashing together and my fingers tightening around his, already using him as support before she’d even said anything to me. “That’s a strange outfit choice.” My mother said, her voice so bright and cheery it was like she wanted to fool me into thinking it was a compliment. “Good to see you too, mum.” I groaned. “Cheer up Florence, it’s Christmas!” She smiled. “Now come on through, make yourself at home.” She pottered off to the left-hand side of the house, into the kitchen, and Harry automatically came and stood in front of me, looking down to my miserable self with wide eyes, and I could tell that he was already confused by the greeting my mother had given me. “It’s going to get worse.” I shrugged, not looking him in the eye. “That was nothing.” “Ren, she didn’t even say hello to you.” I just shrugged again, and dropped his hand, following her into the kitchen. It wouldn’t have usually upset me. I was used to my mum greeting me by commenting on my outfit, or asking if I’d washed my hair, or asking why I was looking so pale. I was very aware she was going to say something like that, she had done for years. I guess it only bothered me because Harry was there witnessing it. Harry had an idea that my parents were going to give me a hard time, but he was there, seeing it with his own two eyes. He’d seen the very tamest thing he could, and he was shooting me this look already. This look of sympathy and sorrow, already. He hadn’t seen anything yet. He followed swiftly behind, plastering a huge smile on his face, and returning to his charming self as my mother leaned herself against the kitchen counter, watching his every move. “Your home is lovely.” Harry complimented. “Thank you very much.” My mother returned as me and Curls came to a stop at the other side of the kitchen counter. “A realtor came round last week and told us it’s worth almost a million.” “Are you moving?” I gawped. “No, we just wanted to know.” “Right. Where’s dad?” “He’s out playing a spot of croquet. He’ll be in soon I imagine.” Harry placed his bag on the chair that was tucked against the counter, and in a couple of seconds, he pulled the bottle of white wine from inside, passing it over to my mother with a grin on his face. “For having me.” He simply said. “What a gentleman.” She took it from his hands, and looked it up and down. “This is a nice bottle, Harry. It’s nice to know you have good taste.” She moved to the far side of the kitchen to place the bottle in the wine-rack, and I turned to Harry, which he felt, and turned to me. “I nicked it from work.” He whispered. “Louis said it’s a good one.” “I adore you.” I whispered back. “So Harry,” My mother grinned, moving back to us. “Florence hasn’t told us very much about you, since she never bothers to speak to us. I need to know everything.” “Well your daughters a very busy girl.” Harry gracefully flicked his hair, he had complete control. “Her manager almost didn’t grant her the time off for Christmas. I imagine the place will fall apart without her.” “Hopefully not, she needs that job.” My mother nodded. “Tell me about you, Harry?” I watched Harry’s brows flick down, just for a moment, something my mother would never take note of, but I certainly did. The little flinch, the slight crease of his features, read that he couldn’t believe that my mother had twisted his words and not found a positive in them. Harry had said they needed me at work, and all she could think about was how I needed to work. All I cared about, really, was the effort Harry was making. “I work in a high-end cocktail bar.” He began. “I’m on very good money. I have my own apartment in the city. I enjoy collecting art, and I have a cat. My dad is an interior designer and my mother is a care-worker. I once came third in a talent show, but that’s a totally different story.” “One I would love to hear at some point over the next few days.” My mum cooed. “Did you go to university?” “I did.” He nodded. “Where did you go? And did you graduate?” Her eyes shot to me for a split second, before they were back on Harry, waiting for his answer, praying it would suit her needs. “First-class honours from Nottingham University. Business Studies. It was tedious.” He smiled. He was doing everything he possibly could. He even tainted his own university time to make me look better. He’d told me himself how much he loved uni, but he added that end bit just to help me out, just in an attempt to make me look a little better in my mother’s eyes. I couldn’t believe how well he was doing. “Well, it’s very good to hear my daughter has found herself such a well put-together young man. You’re very lucky, Florence.” “I feel like I’m the lucky one.” Harry cooed, his smile fake in my eyes but probably not in my mothers, as he wrapped his arm around my shoulder. I sunk into his side, smiling to my mother, seeing the look of approval trace her features. I breathed a sigh of relief, because it was working. This ridiculous plan was actually working, and I could see it all happening in the cogs of my mother’s brain as she watched us. She was buying it. I mean… it would have been weird if she wasn’t buying it, but she was really buying it. Harry moved and kissed my temple, delicate, and then returned to his previous position. Beatrice looked very impressed. “So how have you been, Florence?” She asked next. “How’s work and… stuff?” “It’s good. I’m good. Yeah, it’s all going pretty well, actually.” “How about therapy?” She asked, her tone dropping. “Has Florence told you she attends therapy, Harry?” “She has, yeah.” Curls nodded. “It’s going pretty well. I… I need to talk to you and dad about it, at some point this weekend.” I had set myself up for it now, the chat that Dr Jackson wanted me to have with them. Mentioning it then, even if it was briefly, meant that I had to say something, at some point. I didn’t want to avoid it, so it was better for me to say something then. It made me feel like I had to do it. She nodded, accepting what I had just said even though I had been expecting her to question it. She accepted it very quickly. Everything was confusing me. “Well it’s lovely to finally meet you, Harry. Theodore is very excited too, but this is the first Christmas for three years where he hasn’t been on-call at work, so he’s taking his time to relax. Why don’t you two go upstairs, make yourselves at home, and come down when you’re ready.” “Okay, sounds good.” I shrugged. She gave a little wave, directed to Harry more than it was to me, but to be honest I couldn’t blame her. Harry engrossed an entire room without even meaning to, I’d seen it happen. My mother’s reaction to him was totally natural, and Harry was purposefully turning on the charm. She turned and walked to the back door, letting herself out of there and leaving the two of us alone again. “You gunna show me to your bedroom or what?” Harry grinned. “How many times have you said that in your life?” I sniggered. “Less than you think.” “Of course.” I rolled my eyes. We walked back into the hall and made our way up the grand staircase that lay in the centre, turning round on ourselves on the left hand side as I took him to the room where we would be staying for the next few nights. I think Harry was excited to see my room, to get a snippet of my life, to feel like he knew me a little better. So when he walked into the room, and saw how blank it was, I couldn’t help but laugh at the disappointed look on his face. The walls were blank, the sheets white, the curtains white. No books, no old teddies, no TV, no stains on the carpets, absolutely nothing. There wasn’t a thing in there that suggested a teenage girl had inhabited it for any length of time. “Is this the guest room?” Harry asked me. “No, it’s my room.” I answered. “There’s nothing here!” “I took everything I needed to uni! My mum and dad threw away everything else.” I spoke. “Then when I got my flat, they painted and stuff. I think they do use it as another guest room now, but yeah, it’s my room.” I could tell Harry was confused by that, but he didn’t say anything about it. I didn’t think it was weird, I thought that was a relatively normal thing for any parent to do once their child had moved out. He moved, throwing his bag onto the bed and opening it, routing through its contents for something or other. I took my ruck-sack off my back and dropped it to the floor, swallowing, watching Harry in silence for a few moments. “Thank you.” I said from nowhere. He lifted his head to me, some of his untamed curls falling in front of his face before he brushed them away, looking to me like he had no clue what I was thanking him for. I was realising that Harry didn’t have a clue how amazing he was. He didn’t have a clue the effect he had on people, how kind and thoughtful and inviting he was. He genuinely didn’t know. “What for?” He puzzled. “You were great, with my mum then. I just… I’m never gunna be able to say how much I appreciate what you’re doing for me. I know it was your idea but… I dunno. Just… thanks. You’re very good at being my boyfriend.” He grinned like a fool, his lips stretching from ear to ear, and I had to question why he didn’t actually have a girlfriend. He was gorgeous, good job, polite, sweet, charismatic. There had to be something wrong with him. It genuinely didn’t make any sense. He was there, with me, pretending to be my boyfriend, when I imagined he had girls at his feet, especially in his line of work, where he was handing out bloody cards with his number on. The only thing that made sense was that he loved that part of his life too much. He loved having that many choices when it came to his female endeavours. The boy was living the high life. “Well, you’re welcome.” He struggled for the right thing to say. “I’ll return the favour next week.” I promised. “You don’t need to do anything. Just be yourself. All they’ll care about is if you’re nice or not. So don’t worry about it. Just be you.” 20 We strolled into the dining room hand in hand, watching as my mother plated up the table, a soft smile on her face as she did. The early evening was dark, harsh winds making the branches of the trees outside clatter against the windows. My mother had tried to drown out the noises with piano music, but the gusts were unrelenting. Even so, walking into that room gave off a pleasant feel, candles scattered across the table, the twinkling lights of the Christmas tree in the corner giving an ethereal glow to the room. “This looks amazing.” Harry commented. “Thank you. Do take a seat.” My mother instructed. “You’re both on that side.” She scurried from the room, walking round the back of the house to get into the kitchen as we sat down and tucked ourselves in. Harry turned to me, leaning close so I could hear his low voice. “I think we should be kissing when she walks back in. Looks really natural then.” “Okay.” I nodded, giggling quietly. “Move closer then, so you’re ready.” He did just that, hovering his face just an inch from mine, ready to press his lips against mine when my mother walked back into the room. He looked directly into my glittering orbs, not shying away regardless of our close contact. “You have brown eyes.” He whispered. “My ex-boyfriend called me poo eyes.” I whispered back. “I’m not gunna do that.” He chuckled, still quiet. “That’s a terrible nickname.” “He was a pretty terrible person.” I shrugged. “We lasted about a month before we broke up.” “Well when he’s calling you poo eyes, I’m not surprised!” He gawped. “They’re more like… the centre of a sunflower.” “You’re probably the nicest boyfriend I’ve ever had.” “Honoured.” “She’s back! Kiss me!” He thrust his head forward and he planted his lips against mine, closing his eyes straight away as I rushed to catch up, propping my lips against his, breathing him in. It only lasted a moment. Once we heard my mother place the wine glasses on the table we pulled away, returning to our previous position, our chairs pulled close together. It wasn’t just that we were trying to show we were close, because in a way it had just become natural. We were used to this charade, after practicing and anticipating this. We hadn’t even planned on tucking our chairs so close that our arms were brushing, it just happened. “Are we cracking open the wine I brought?” Harry grinned, noticing the glasses. “Not tonight.” She replied, fixing the cutlery, which was apparently out of line. “We’re going to be drinking a fair amount over the next few days, so we thought we’d have a dry night.” I whipped my head to Harry, seeing his face drop. He’d really wanted to drink. He’d really wanted to get himself to a state where his dreams wouldn’t wake him. He didn’t want our first night together to be difficult, he didn’t want to wake me with his screams. He knew that alcohol would numb his racing mind, and he’d really needed that. We both knew I’d experience his dreams at some point, but he really hadn’t wanted it to be on the first night. He wanted to ease into it. His face dropped when he realised we were to be thrown in the deep end. “That’s a shame.” He tried to hide his disappointment. “I might go all shy on you.” “I doubt that, Harry.” My mother chuckled. “You don’t seem like the type.” She scuttled from the room again, shouting my father’s name and telling him everything was ready, as Harry sat beside me trying to control his breathing, looking down to the table cloth like he could find the solution to his problems woven within the fabric. “Please don’t worry about it.” I leaned closer to him. “It’s not going to bother me! It’ll be fine.” “I just wanted… Fuck. I didn’t want you to see me like that. Not tonight.” “I know. I’m sorry.” “Why are you sorry?” He finally looked my way. “I… I don’t know.” Footsteps pulled us from our conversation, Harry whipping his head behind himself to see my father enter the room, hands in his pockets and a smile on his face. Harry leapt to his feet automatically, holding his hand out in greeting. My father approached him, mirroring the action. “Nice to finally meet you, Sir.” Harry breathed, trying to return to his normal, charming self. “You too.” My father replied genuinely. “Sorry I wasn’t around when you arrived.” “No worries at all.” Harry grinned, their shake still firm. “I understand your schedule must be hectic. You deserve some time off.” “Thank you.” He moved and sat himself down at the other side of the table as my mother started bringing out the food she had prepared and my father asked about my well-being, and work, and the other basics that I just mulled over. Once everything was set up, my mother sat herself down. “This looks lovely.” I smiled, picking up my knife and fork. “Tuck in.” She instructed. I took a moment to appreciate the sight of the food in front of me, knowing that this would be the best thing I’d eaten for months. Even above everything I’d eaten at restaurants. My mother was many things, and one of those things was a damn good chef. Everyone else was already tucking in by the time I started cutting at the food, and then rushing to shovel it into my mouth, relishing the taste, ready to devour the rest in seconds. I noticed my mother watching me rush my food across the table. “Be careful how much you eat.” She said. Still chewing, I shot my eyes up to her, glaring at her across the table. I waited until I’d swallowed to reply. “What?” “Just be careful how much you eat, Florence.” “If you don’t want me to eat this much food, don’t make me this much food!” I snapped. “I’m just saying! You need to watch your weight and keep healthy!” “And I’m just saying, if you don’t want me to eat this much food, don’t plate me up this much food! I just…” I lost track of myself, shaking my head and trying to brush off the moment. I pushed some more food into my mouth, staring at her as I did. “So how did you two meet?” My father asked us, moving the conversation along. “She came into my work one evening.” Harry spoke, then turned his head to me. “You looked beautiful. I was infatuated.” “I kept him on his toes.” The lie slipped from my mouth easily, too easily. “Kept him guessing.” “She made me work.” Harry grinned, joining the lie just as naturally as I had started it. “Why would you make a boy like Harry work?” My mother asked me. “I was in the palm of her hand.” Harry answered for me. “She was just… making sure I wasn’t faking anything.” “He wasn’t!” I beamed. “There’s literally nothing wrong with the boy!” That wasn’t a lie. As far as I could see, Curls was faultless. The way he was impressing my parents and making me look so good was only lifting the pedestal I had placed him atop. Suddenly, this idea that I had been classing as insane since the second it was conjured up, was the best thing I’d involved myself in for years. I turned my head to Harry, and he was already looking at me. He shot me a wink, one that made me blush in appreciation. He knew how well he was doing, and that wink just showed that. It was nice that we could do little things like that, things that meant something completely different to us than they did to onlookers. “Well it’s nice that Florence has finally brought home a nice boy.” My mother smiled sweetly. “The last one she introduced us to was a nightmare.” “He wasn’t that bad.” “He was awful, Florence.” My mother corrected me, and she was right. “He wasn’t the best.” I sighed. “You’ll have to be on your best behaviour when you meet Harry’s parents.” My mother said. “I imagine they’ll be expecting good things.” “I can’t wait for them to meet her.” Harry answered for me once again. “They’re going to love her.” “I hope so.” I huffed. The meal continued in pretty high spirits, my parents questioning Harry on his time at university and his plans for the future. Harry bounced back with the perfect answer to every single question, and occasionally my mother would catch my eye, lifting her brows as if to say, you’ve done well, don’t fuck this up. I was really hoping I wasn’t going to fuck it up. I really was. 21 “Thank you for a lovely evening.” I heard Harry speaking downstairs. “It’s been wonderful getting to know you.” “You too.” My father replied. “I’m very much looking forward to meeting Matilda tomorrow.” Curls continued. “Hopefully she’s just as lovely as Florence.” “You’ll probably fall in love with her.” My mother giggled. I rolled my eyes as I pulled on the largest t-shirt I owned, knowing it would have to suffice due to the fact I didn’t own a pair of pyjamas. I knew my mother would never say anything, because those thoughts were low, even for her. But I could tell she was wondering why the hell Harry was with me. It angered me so much, that she thought I wasn’t worthy enough for someone like him. I wasn’t good enough for him. The most ridiculous part was, I agreed. Harry was a completely different specimen. Every word was dripped with charm, every smile and every movement was almost like he’d calculated it to be hypnotizing, but you could tell he hadn’t because it just fell from him so naturally. In the real world, under circumstances that weren’t as bizarre as ours, a boy like Harry would never choose a girl like me. My mother was right. Harry appeared in my room a few minutes later, a tender smile on his face as I lifted the sheet from my bed and began to clamber beneath it, tucking myself in before he could get a glimpse of my bare legs, watching Harry with a subconscious, sympathetic glint in my eyes, hoping he would be okay. “Day one, done.” I grinned. “A complete success, I’d say.” He smirked, nearing the bed. “Do you mind if I sleep in my underwear?” “Whatever makes you comfortable.” I knew Harry was going to despise the evenings sleep, so I wanted him to be as at ease as he physically could be. He began to unbutton his shirt as I buried myself further between the covers, attempting to keep my eyes off him as he undressed… But I’m only human. My eyes kept flicking to his body as he shuffled the shirt off his arms, revealing a mangle of tattoos that I hadn’t seen before, splattering across his body in an unorderly fashion. “Excuse my ogling,” I had to say something. “But how the hell do you stay so in shape?” “Ogling me, are you?” He lifted his brows, clicking the button of his jeans open. “Flattered.” “I asked you a question.” I brushed him off, yawning as I lay so I was facing away from him. “Yoga.” “Yoga?” “Yeah, yoga.” I heard him snicker. “Sorry, I didn’t realise you were middle-aged, single mother.” I chuckled at my own joke. Only moments later, I felt the bed dip as he slipped in beside me, predictably just in his underwear, but I hadn’t given myself the chance to watch him strip to that stage, it just felt a little intrusive, even when he was going to spend the evening by my side in that state. “You’re ridiculously sarcastic.” He groaned, getting comfortable beside me. “It’s one of my only good features!” “Whatever you say.” I turned again so I was looking at him, propped on my side as Harry lay on his back, one hand tucked to the back of his head as he stared towards the ceiling. “How do you think it went?” I asked quietly. “What?” “Today. The whole thing.” “I think we did alright.” He turned his head my way. “You were amazing.” I said honestly. “I did turn the charm on, didn’t I?” “You did.” I giggled. “What did you think of my mum and dad?” “I quite like your dad.” His voice was low, lovely to listen to. “Yeah, he’s harmless most of the time.” “Not quite sure how I feel about your mum.” I could tell he wasn’t her biggest fan. As wonderful as he was with her, I had seen the flickers of disapproval crease his features throughout the day. I had seen his reaction to certain comments she had made, things she had said to me. It didn’t sit well with him. “I guess you can see why I was dreading this so much.” “It’s just… Her comments seem so snide.” He remarked. “It’s almost like she doesn’t know she’s doing it.” “I don’t think she does half the time.” I sighed. “Kinda makes it worse. That’s just… how she feels about me. How she sees me. Through and through.” He nestled so he was on his side, looking me in the eye. His hair was stretching across the pillow and falling in his face, curls messy and untamed. Every inch of him looked soft to the touch, his personality seemingly similar. “I can’t say I know you that well,” He gulped. “But I think she’s got you all wrong.” All the words Harry had been saying about me that evening were for show, to make us seem like a real couple, to try and change the way my parents saw me and the lifestyle I was living in the city. It felt nice to hear him saying something in private, something that wasn’t for pretence. He said that for me, with no ulterior motive. That was simply how he felt. “Thanks.” I whispered. He shrugged, because it meant nothing to him. I imagined Harry was the type of person who threw around compliments and kindness just because he liked people to be happy. He wanted everyone to feel good about themselves, to surround themselves with every simple pleasure they could. I decided to return the favour. “Harry?” “Hm?” “I genuinely think you’re one of the nicest people I’ve ever met.” I watched his entire face change as a smile bust his lips, his lashes fluttering for a moment as he took in what I had just told him. I didn’t imagine it was the first time he’d heard those words, people must have told him all the time, or at least something similar. But I could tell he appreciated it, and I liked that. “You’re alright when you’re not being sarcastic.” He chuckled. “Thanks, I do try.” “What shall we do tomorrow?” “Dunno. Haven’t thought about it.” “It’s Christmas Eve! We have to do something.” He said. “Well, we’ll be going to the pub tomorrow evening. We always get very drunk on Christmas Eve, you’ll be glad to know.” “I am glad to know!” “But we have the day to ourselves. What were you thinking?” “Show me round your hometown.” He suggested. “It’s boring.” “I bet we can make it fun.” He smirked. “Okay.” I chuckled. “We’ll make it fun.” Naturally, I let my eyes close, the long day taking its toll as I felt sleep creeping up to me. I felt Harry shuffle again, and after a few minutes, I shot my eyes open. He was back in his original position, hand under his head, eyes open, staring up the ceiling. I watched him in silence for a few more minutes, wondering when he was going to close his eyes. It didn’t look like he was trying to nod off, in fact, it seemed like he was trying to do the exact opposite. “You okay?” I whispered. “Yeah.” “Get some sleep.” I instructed. “I… I want to wait until you’re asleep.” His voice shuddered, only slightly. “Maybe if you’re already asleep… if we’re lucky, I won’t wake you.” “I don’t mind either way!” I tried. “But I do, Ren.” He turned his head to me again. “It’s a long shot, but I just want to try. Just in case. Can we try… please?” I nodded, and closed my eyes, hating that even though we both knew it was coming, and we were getting along so well, he was still so uncomfortable and saddened by our sleeping arrangements. So worried that I was going to have to see him at his weakest. And I hoped it would work. I hoped he wouldn’t wake me, for his own sake. I hoped. 22 My eyes dozily opened to a dark room, confused as to my whereabouts at first, confused why I had woken. A whimpering sound coming from beside me reminded me where I was, and who was there with me. I stayed perfectly still as the tired state I awoke in disappeared, waiting for another noise. It happened only moments later. As my eyes became accustom to the light, I noticed a trickle of sweat bead from Harry’s neck and travel slowly down his body, dipping into the centre of his chest as his breathing became more frantic, eyes gripped shut, lips quivering. I watched it all play out in silence, absolutely fascinated. I hoped it would stay that way, just the heavy breathing and the occasional whimper. Because if it stayed that way, I could let it all pass. If he stayed in that state, I would just wait until it had ended and fall back to sleep, saving him the humiliation I knew he would feel. So I tried to ignore it as I watched him get worse, as I watched his fists grip at the sheets and his hair become damp. I tried to ignore it for as long as I could, but when the sobs got louder, I finally admitted to myself that it was only going to get worse. “Harry?” I whispered. There was a fear in my voice that I hadn’t been expecting, and it didn’t take me long to realise that I was genuinely scared. I’d never seen anything like it before in my life. His hair was beginning to stick to his forehead, his face scrunching as though he was amidst a breakdown, the muscles of his arms stretched so tightly it was like he was going to hurt himself. I couldn’t bear to see him like that. I just wanted to help him. I just really wanted to save him from his terrors. I sat myself up, looking down to his body, the sheets only reaching his hips as jolts of fear trembled his frame. “Harry, please wake up.” I whispered again. My attempts were feeble, and I think one of the reasons for that was because I knew how humiliated Harry would be if I woke him. He hadn’t wanted me to see him like this at all! Never mind to be waking him, just as panicked and scared as he was. But I couldn’t help myself. I had this need inside me to comfort him. Hesitantly, I moved my hand to his chest, placing it softly down on his skin and feeling his heart beat, alarmed by the pace. I pressed a little harder, half convinced the beat beneath my palm couldn’t be real. That’s when he screamed. He cried out into the room, low and rough, fists tightening as he shuffled. I’d never seen terror like it in my life. It was controlling his entire body just as much as it was his mind, and I needed him to wake up. I just needed him to wake up, because seeing him like that was starting to physically hurt me. “Harry!” I cried, louder that time. “Holy shit. Harry? Harry, please wake up! Please, holy fuck. Please!” I moved so I was on my knees, hovering my body over his as I clasped my hands over his cheeks, gripping to his skin and lowering my face closer to his, hating that the only reply I’d received from him was more screams, more hollow cries of fear as his body began to quiver more violently, cracking his neck backwards and puffing his chest out. “Wake up! Harry? HARRY WAKE UP!” His eyes shot open, suddenly, gasping in a swell of air as though he had been drowning. He was awake. I watched as reality began to work its magic on his body, running over him and easing every muscle that had been straining just a moment before, his eyes filling with water as he looked up to me, head still buried into the pillow. “Ren?” He mumbled, questioning my presence. The way his eyes flickered over my face suggested he still wasn’t quite sure what was real and what wasn’t. His gaze was hollow, bewildered. “I’m here!” I moved my face even closer to his, trying to smile. “You’re awake. I’m here.” I kept my voice quiet, hoping my words and my being there would soothe him, would ease him into the real world. His breathing became erratic again, but I could tell he was trying to stop it right away. I could tell he was just confused. His eyes never left mine. “Ren?” He questioned again. I nodded, taking my fingers and wiping away the sweat that had stayed on his forehead, glancing over him, still concerned about his state. The thought that he went through that, every single night, alone, was enough to make me want to share a bed with him for the rest of my life. It was enough to make me always want to be there to wake him, to look after him, to take him from his nightmares as soon as I physically could. One experience of what Harry went through every single night, summoned this existential need within me to help him get better in any way I physically could. “I was in the room again.” He trembled, his voice still broken. “I was in the blue room.” “You’re not in the blue room.” I told him. “Look at the walls. Tell me what colour you see.” His eyes darted to the side for a split-second before they bolted back to mine, gazing up to me like I was a vision, a spirit of calm and hope that he couldn’t quite comprehend. “White.” He gasped. “You’re in my room, with me, okay?” I continued. “White walls. White room. You’re okay. Tell me you’re okay.” He shook his head. “I’m scared.” His bottom lip was jutting and quaking, bright pink, swollen. Lost. “What should I do?” I asked, trying to hide the fact I so desperately wanted to cry. “Stay with me.” He instructed. “Please stay.” “Okay.” We remained that way for a while. I kept my face close to his, holding his eye contact with as much confidence as he always held mine, because I knew in that moment that I was Harry’s remedy. I was his confirmation that he was awake, that he was okay. I kept my knees bent beside his body, my back beginning to ache thanks to the position, but I didn’t care. I needed to be there for him. I watched as the mist that had clouded his eyes faded, and green returned. I had never realised how extraordinary his eyes were until that very moment. Every flick and burst of his life seemed to be held within the whirling emerald colour. Each beautiful characteristic he possessed bursting brightly as though desperate to reach further than his eyes allowed them. His eyes were as kind as his soul. We could have stayed in that position for hours and I’d have been none the wiser, but eventually, once his heart was beating at a regular pace, once his bottom lip was back to the regular plumpness I recalled, he spoke. “You have some gold, in your eyes.” His voice was so quiet it hurt. “I do?” “The petals of the sunflower.” He had been concentrating on each different stroke of my eyes in the same way I had his. In that moment, I knew having me there had calmed him. I hadn’t been expecting that, and neither had he. Harry had thought having someone there, witnessing his one weakness, would be humiliating, excruciating. And maybe on some level, it was. But in other ways, having a presence there with him, someone to calm him down and remind him where he was, had helped. “Will you have another?” I swallowed, hard. “No.” He shook his head. “It’s usually just the one.” “Are you tired?” “No.” “Do you need me to do anything?” “I need you to get some sleep.” “But-” “Ren, sleep!” He instructed. “Please sleep.” I could tell he wasn’t putting on a front. It wasn’t like he was asking me to sleep, but silently praying I would stay awake and comfort him some more. He was okay. Even if it was just for the evening, he was okay. I nodded, finally moving so I was snuggled next to him once more, gazing across as he gave out a large sigh, still wrapping his mind around what had just happened, how the entire experience had differed just having someone there. I watched as he placed his hand over his heart and closed his eyes, relaxing at the thought of now being able to get a little sleep. I couldn’t drag my eyes from him. “Thank you.” He mumbled quietly. “For making that easier.” “I wish there’s more I could-” “No.” He cut me short. “You were perfect.” I didn’t know how I’d done it, how I’d managed to keep my cool, to act in a way that didn’t end up embarrassing him or making the situation worse than it already was. Apparently, I’d been perfect. And that was all the information I needed to peacefully drift back to sleep.

[yogimanayo123-blog]

(photo by  @hyracuese)

.hans. Interview

.hans. is a Korean rapper from New Zealand, I interviewed him to learn more about his music, current favorite artists and a few other things!

Read below

1.    When and how did you get interested in hip-hop?  

I always knew of it growing up, but when I was around 14, I started getting into it a bit more just because a couple of my friends were listening to it too. It just went on from there.

2.    What gave you the drive to make your first EP? Did you have any fear about sharing it?

I just felt like I needed a project out there really, before that I’d been putting out sporadic singles here and there but I really just wanted something that I could call a body of work, more so than an EP or anything. It was a little bit scary sharing it at first because I thought the first song sounded way too pop. I told myself “No ones gunna listen anyways”, so I just put it out for free !

3.    Who are your biggest influencers (musically or personally)?

I think for me; Mac Miller, Chance, Isaiah Rashad,  Home Brew and King Krule are very big influences in my own sound. I think King Krule especially these days.

4.    As a second-generation migrant, did you have any identity difficulties growing up in New Zealand?

A bit, yeah. Just growing up in general, it’s hard to find a sense of identity sometimes. It wasn’t all bad though, I’m very thankful for my upbringing.

5.     What advice do you have for young kids who may battle identity issues due to where they grew up?

This sounds so cliché and lame, but just be yourself. Don’t do shit that doesn’t sit well with you. People will respect you more for it.

6.    Do you think it’s important for artists to use their platforms to speak out on political and social issues?

YES! Although I don’t expect artists to be conscious 24/7 365, I think it’s a waste of a platform to not say anything at all.

7.    In a previous interview you stated that “if you are inside hip-hop you have a responsibility to stand up for the struggle and to also be socially conscious and acknowledge the origins of music”. I couldn’t have worded that better, and living in Korea I have noticed that as hip-hop becomes more mainstream here there is also a lot more culture appropriation and not many artists speaking out about problematic issues. What steps do you think Korean rappers could take to make themselves more aware?

Just study the culture. Take the time to study the socio-political climate that this music originated from, learn to respect that and be grateful that the culture has given you a platform to express yourself.

8.    Do you ever experience a creative block in your music or personal life? How do you regain motivation?

All the time! I had a really really bad one from 2015 to 2016 where I would hate everything I did, or just didn’t record anything at all. I personally just try stay away from music for a while, at least until I can get back into a creative space.

9.    Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

As the 1st choice goalkeeper for Manchester United.

10. Can you give us any info about your upcoming projects?

Not really, because I haven’t exactly started haha, but I am looking to put something together for 2018. I would very much like to put another visual out too.

11. Do you think you would ever try to break into the hip-hop scene in Korea? Why or why not?

No, not really. I like the scene but I just feel like I wouldn’t be able to adapt, plus my Koreans not that great anyways ☹

12. Are there any artists in the Korean hip-hop scene who you really dig?

I haven’t been listening to too much lately to say, but I do really like Nafla, Okasian & DPR Live.  

13. Can you recommend some of your favorite New Zealand hip-hop artists for our website viewers who aren’t from New Zealand.

There’s waaaaay too many to name, but I’d say start with anything from the YGB collective.

14. Can you remember the first album you bought?

It was the Midnight Youth album, The Brave Don’t Run hahah, bought it straight from the Warehouse.

15. What do you do in your chill time?

Watch music videos all day.

16. Favorite Korean snack and favorite New Zealand snack?

Korean is probably Onion Rings, NZ probably Blue Bird salt n vinegar chips.

17. Our website has a large focus on personal style- how do you use clothes to express who you are? What’s your ideal outfit?

Oh wow, I don’t really think I have much style to be honest. I do have this hoodie I bought in Katoomba Sydney that I really like though. I don’t really put much attention into my clothes, but I’d say my ideal outfit would be something very plain? Anything not formal, I hate formal shit.

18. I have a few questions from some of your followers:

o   Are you going to the Drake concert?

YES

o   Do you know about the Korean Hip Hop concert happening in Auckland? If so, are you going to it?

No, not really a fan of the artists to be honest.

o   Who would you want to collaborate with in the New Zealand music scene?

Tom Scott.

o   What’s the last song you listened to?

Gus Dapperton – I’m Just Snacking.

19. Describe yourself in 3 words.

Blue Katoomba Hoodie

20. One last thing, say anything. Express yourself!

Listen to the new Gus Dapperton EP man shits fire. Also my good friends Imugi have an EP coming out soon so watch out for that !

Check out his upcoming gig at the Basement Theatre in Auckland:

https://www.facebook.com/events/1964048520537625

You can also follow Hans.’ soundcloud and instagram accounts below:

https://soundcloud.com/kimyuntak/tracks

https://www.instagram.com/kim_yun_tak/

[yogimanayo123-blog]

(photo by  @hyracuese)

.hans. Interview

.hans. is a Korean rapper from New Zealand, I interviewed him to learn more about his music, current favorite artists and a few other things!

Read below

1.    When and how did you get interested in hip-hop?  

I always knew of it growing up, but when I was around 14, I started getting into it a bit more just because a couple of my friends were listening to it too. It just went on from there.

2.    What gave you the drive to make your first EP? Did you have any fear about sharing it?

I just felt like I needed a project out there really, before that I’d been putting out sporadic singles here and there but I really just wanted something that I could call a body of work, more so than an EP or anything. It was a little bit scary sharing it at first because I thought the first song sounded way too pop. I told myself “No ones gunna listen anyways”, so I just put it out for free !

3.    Who are your biggest influencers (musically or personally)?

I think for me; Mac Miller, Chance, Isaiah Rashad,  Home Brew and King Krule are very big influences in my own sound. I think King Krule especially these days.

4.    As a second-generation migrant, did you have any identity difficulties growing up in New Zealand?

A bit, yeah. Just growing up in general, it’s hard to find a sense of identity sometimes. It wasn’t all bad though, I’m very thankful for my upbringing.

5.     What advice do you have for young kids who may battle identity issues due to where they grew up?

This sounds so cliché and lame, but just be yourself. Don’t do shit that doesn’t sit well with you. People will respect you more for it.

6.    Do you think it’s important for artists to use their platforms to speak out on political and social issues?

YES! Although I don’t expect artists to be conscious 24/7 365, I think it’s a waste of a platform to not say anything at all.

7.    In a previous interview you stated that “if you are inside hip-hop you have a responsibility to stand up for the struggle and to also be socially conscious and acknowledge the origins of music”. I couldn’t have worded that better, and living in Korea I have noticed that as hip-hop becomes more mainstream here there is also a lot more culture appropriation and not many artists speaking out about problematic issues. What steps do you think Korean rappers could take to make themselves more aware?

Just study the culture. Take the time to study the socio-political climate that this music originated from, learn to respect that and be grateful that the culture has given you a platform to express yourself.

8.    Do you ever experience a creative block in your music or personal life? How do you regain motivation?

All the time! I had a really really bad one from 2015 to 2016 where I would hate everything I did, or just didn’t record anything at all. I personally just try stay away from music for a while, at least until I can get back into a creative space.

9.    Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

As the 1st choice goalkeeper for Manchester United.

10. Can you give us any info about your upcoming projects?

Not really, because I haven’t exactly started haha, but I am looking to put something together for 2018. I would very much like to put another visual out too.

11. Do you think you would ever try to break into the hip-hop scene in Korea? Why or why not?

No, not really. I like the scene but I just feel like I wouldn’t be able to adapt, plus my Koreans not that great anyways ☹

12. Are there any artists in the Korean hip-hop scene who you really dig?

I haven’t been listening to too much lately to say, but I do really like Nafla, Okasian & DPR Live.  

13. Can you recommend some of your favorite New Zealand hip-hop artists for our website viewers who aren’t from New Zealand.

There’s waaaaay too many to name, but I’d say start with anything from the YGB collective.

14. Can you remember the first album you bought?

It was the Midnight Youth album, The Brave Don’t Run hahah, bought it straight from the Warehouse.

15. What do you do in your chill time?

Watch music videos all day.

16. Favorite Korean snack and favorite New Zealand snack?

Korean is probably Onion Rings, NZ probably Blue Bird salt n vinegar chips.

17. Our website has a large focus on personal style- how do you use clothes to express who you are? What’s your ideal outfit?

Oh wow, I don’t really think I have much style to be honest. I do have this hoodie I bought in Katoomba Sydney that I really like though. I don’t really put much attention into my clothes, but I’d say my ideal outfit would be something very plain? Anything not formal, I hate formal shit.

18. I have a few questions from some of your followers:

o   Are you going to the Drake concert? 

YES

o   Do you know about the Korean Hip Hop concert happening in Auckland? If so, are you going to it? 

No, not really a fan of the artists to be honest.

o   Who would you want to collaborate with in the New Zealand music scene? 

Tom Scott.

o   What’s the last song you listened to? 

Gus Dapperton – I’m Just Snacking.

19. Describe yourself in 3 words.

Blue Katoomba Hoodie

20. One last thing, say anything. Express yourself!

Listen to the new Gus Dapperton EP man shits fire. Also my good friends Imugi have an EP coming out soon so watch out for that !

Check out his upcoming gig at the Basement Theatre in Auckland:

https://www.facebook.com/events/1964048520537625

You can also follow Hans.’ soundcloud and instagram accounts below:

https://soundcloud.com/kimyuntak/tracks

https://www.instagram.com/kim_yun_tak/