#baby nhs has a very rough time and needs a hug

[ibijau]

Futures past pt5 / on AO3

Nie Huaisang chats with Su She, and gets reminded of his mission

"I swear, if that shixiong of yours doesn't stop sneering like that every time he sees you, I'm stealing you," Nie Huaisang grumbled as they walked away from the training grounds. “And then da-ge will be happy to have another hard working disciple, and you will be happy to never deal with those stuck up idiots, and I will be happy to have a friend at home!”

Su She rolled his eyes, but there was a faint smile on his lips that pleased Nie Huaisang. He’d figured out pretty quickly that Su She liked being praised, reacting to it like a man lost in the desert who'd found an oasis. It was funny, and a little cute, and Nie Huaisang was only too happy to build up his new friend’s self esteem. When Su She was in a good mood, he was a little more willing to help Nie Huaisang with his homework, at least some of the time. He refused to actually do the work for Nie Huaisang, which was a shame, but just getting help was already something.

And it was help that Nie Huaisang desperately needed.

As weeks passed, it had become quite obvious that he was horrifyingly bad at studying, his grade plummeting down with each new test and surprise quiz. At least he could somewhat manage his homework if Su She or Lan Xichen were helping him, but… but he kept being punished because of his bad grades, meaning he ended up with very little time to spend with either of them. When he went to Lan Xichen’s house, he usually did some homework because that was easier than making conversation, but it didn’t happen that often. As for Su She… well, there were more fun things they could do together, and Nie Huaisang would fail his classes no matter what, so why waste time on something as stupid as homework now it was all obviously in vain?

“What’s the plan today?” Nie Huaisang asked.

"My mother sent me some treats from home and I don't mind sharing," Su She announced. "She figured I'd be sad, since I'm not able to go back for Qingming this year either. The teachers say my attitude isn't good enough yet, and going home might ruin all my progress." 

"They're all too hard on you, I swear." 

Su She shrugged. He was used to this. From what Nie Huaisang understood, most outer disciples were treated quite harshly until they proved they could be trusted to follow the rules. It might not have been so bad if Su She had been more the side to bend his neck and obey everything like some of the others, but he really had too much pride for a disciple of Gusu Lan. Still, being away from home for Qingming was harsh. 

Of course, Nie Huaisang too was stuck in the Cloud Recesses. In his case, that was because the trip would have been too long when he couldn't fly on his sabre, and Lan Qiren had warned Nie Mingjue that it would be bad for his brother to miss any classes due to that. The other Nie disciples had no such problem though, so they'd left and he was currently all alone in the cabin they shared.

Nie Huaisang didn't mind. A little quiet was nice. 

“Let’s go to my cabin to have some tea,” Nie Huaisang offered. “We can eat what your mother sent, and I should also still have some sweets, and I don’t mind sharing if it’s with you.”

It was, actually, almost the last of the candies he’d brought from home, and he hadn’t been able to get more. Students were allowed days off to visit the nearby town sometimes, but Nie Huaisang had been denied that privilege on account of his grades. He had thought of going anyway, but so far his fear of Lan Qiren still outweighed his desperate need for something fun. If Su She had been willing to come with him, perhaps… but Su She wasn’t exactly in a great position either, and didn’t want to make his situation worse by purposefully breaking rules, so they were both stuck inside the Cloud Recesses, the most beautiful prison in the world.

But it was a prison with decent company, and Su She agreed to that offer for tea. With just the two of them, they were able to get quite cozy in the Nie cabin. They dropped on the floor all the blankets in the cabin so they could sit in decadent comfort, at least by Cloud Recesses' standards. Half sprawled by the table, they drank the best tea Nie Huaisang had to offer at that moment (he promised, not for the first time, that one day he’d invite Su She to visit the Unclean Realm where he had access to much better leaves), traded treats much sweeter and tastier than anything usually available to eat away from home, and chatted quite freely, knowing there was nobody around to scold them if they got too gossipy. 

Su She, who tried so hard to never say anything bad about his fellow disciples where someone might here, ended up spitting a lot of venom on all those other Lan juniors, sparring neither inner nor outer disciples and denouncing their treatment of him as unfair.

“After all,” he spat, “I’m a much better musician than Han Mingzhe and Bao Tong, and my swordsmanship is at least as good as Li Xiaoping, but they don’t get scolded as much. But Bao Tong and Li Xiaoping have parents who are rogue cultivators, and Han Mingzhe’s parents are farmers which is at least honourable, while my father is a merchant, and a rich one at that. Everyone says I just bought my way into cultivation!”

Nie Huaisang frowned, looking down at his currently empty cup. This, he thought, would have been a conversation better accompanied by some wine. Complaining while drinking tea just wasn’t as fun.

“It’s stupid,” he said. “I mean, sure you can buy pills and all, but that wouldn’t take you very far with Gusu Lan’s style, that’s more of a Jin thing.”

Immediately, Su She hunched up his shoulders and looked down, a spot of colour on his cheeks.

“Actually my father tried to get me into Lanling Jin at first,” Su She muttered, sounding ashamed of the confession. “But they didn’t want me because I didn’t know anything about using a sword and they said I was already too old to be taught. Then we tried Gusu Lan, because we’d heard they use music, and I’m good at that. They also said I was a bit old, but they still took me in because they said I might catch up if I worked hard enough. But some of the other juniors still heard about me trying for Lanling Jin, and they’re convinced I must have cheated somehow, and… Well, a merchant’s son, no way I can have gotten here on my own merit, eh? Merchants are all dishonest, right?”

Nie Huaisang grimaced, because he could just imagine the sort of things that Su She might have been accused of. Even his brother’s sect, which tried to reward merit and talent above all else, wasn’t always kind to anyone coming from a merchant’s family. It was a profession with money, but that didn't count all that much when the way they'd gotten that money was through the work of others, not like farmers or scholars who put such high efforts into their respective crafts. Of course, being descended from butchers, the Nie couldn’t exactly look down on others for their origins, and yet…

“Have you told the seniors about this?” he asked Su She.

His friend shrugged and scoffed.

“What for? Most of them agree, or they wouldn’t be so hard on me.”

“Then… what if I told Lan Xichen?” Nie Huaisang offered. “If he says something in your favour, then everyone else will have to be nice to you!”

“Lan gongzi despises me,” Su She muttered. “Sometimes I cross paths with him, and he looks at me like I’m lower than dirt. With everyone else he’s nice, but me… it’s like he hates me, personally. And it’s worse when I’m with you.”

Nie Huaisang's enthusiasm deflated at the reminder.

At least, this confirmed it wasn’t just his imagination. He also thought he had noticed that Lan Xichen appeared to harbour some kind of personal dislike toward Su She, but he couldn’t understand why. By all accounts, Su She had always managed to be perfectly polite around the sect leader’s sons, and while his personality wasn’t the most Lan-like, Nie Huaisang knew his friend had never done anything that cast shame upon his sect. It might have been about Su She’s origins then, but somehow that didn’t sound right either.

Lan Xichen was a little boring, but he put great value on his sect’s rules, and those rules said clearly that people should be judged by their actions, not their origins. Nie Huaisang had copied those damn rules often enough to know that. It really was so odd for Lan Xichen to react like this to Su She, and that made Nie Huaisang want to understand why. Everything else about Lan Xichen was so boring, but this detail made him feel like there might be some personality in the older boy after all.

“I could still ask him to do something,” Nie Huaisang insisted. “He can look the other way if nobody tells him, but I’m a young master of a sect too. I'm not very good at being one, but when I say something, he still had to listen. And if I tell him his father’s disciples are little shits, he’ll have to do something, or all of Gusu Lan will lose face.”

Su She’s expression only turned darker. “It will just make everyone hate me more, even the ones who didn’t care before. Please don’t say anything. I’m just going to work harder, and prove everyone wrong, and when I’m good enough I’ll…” he pinched his lips and dropped his gaze to the table. “They’ll see, they’ll all see. When I’m good enough, I’ll show them all, and everyone will regret that they didn’t respect me.”

Nie Huaisang nodded, and even patted Su She on the shoulder, feeling quite sorry for him. He’d never thought about it before, but the way things were was a little unfair. Su She was so hard working and getting results for his effort, but people treated him like dirt, while Nie Huaisang couldn’t be bothered with anything and would have failed even if he tried, but everyone still felt forced to treat him with a minimum of respect because of his brother.

It really wasn’t fair at all, but all Nie Huaisang could do was stand by Su She and make it clear he saw his friend’s talent, even if everybody else was too damn stupid to notice him.

Nie Huaisang couldn't do anything to help, but he made sure to give Su She the last of his candies, and hoped that counted for something.

-

It was always too damn quiet in the Cloud Recesses at night, and Nie Huaisang struggled to get used to it. Back home, there was always the noise of something happening somewhere. Disciples who'd decided to continue training after sunset, those on watch duty doing their rounds, servants going about their business... it was a constant reminder that people were around and the world was safe.

In the Cloud Recesses, there was nothing. If not for the snoring coming from one of his companions, Nie Huaisang might as well have been alone in the world.

Nobody was snoring that night. He was alone, and would be for at least two more, until the others returned from seeing their families and honouring their ancestors.

It was annoying enough to be stuck in this lonely quiet place in daylight, when he could at least see people, when he’d been able to pester Su She and feel less alone. Only Su She had long returned to the dorms he shared with other Lan disciples, and Nie Huaisang was alone in this deafening silence.

That was why he couldn’t sleep.

That was why he heard those footsteps coming near his bed, when there shouldn’t have been anyone else in that lonely cabin. It couldn’t be a demon or a ghost, not in the Cloud Recesses, which should have been a comfort. Once, before his father went mad, it would have been.

There were things against which no magical barrier could offer protection.

The footsteps came to a stop near the bed. Nie Huaisang silently shivered under his blanket, biting into his fist to avoid making any sound. If he was quiet, if he pretended not to be there, things would be fine. It had worked whenever his father went into a rage. Back then, as long as Nie Huaisang didn't move, his father seemed not to see him, a trick he'd figured out very quickly and shared with Nie Mingjue.

Maybe it would work here too.

Or maybe not.

Nie Huaisang felt a hand grab his blanket, and all coherent thoughts left him. He shrieked in terror as he leapt out of his bed, nearly falling face first onto the floor but caught at the last moment by strong, slender hands.

“What are you crying like that for?” he heard a strange yet familiar voice huff. “Do you really think anyone would dare attack you here? It’s only me.”

Blinking away a few tears, Nie Huaisang scrambled to stand up while his future self watched him with an unimpressed expression.

“Sorry,” Nie Huaisang muttered, trying to put some order to his night clothes. “I get scared at night sometimes. Well, you’d know. Do… Does it get better?”

“No,” the older man bearing his face said, opening his fan. It was a different one from last time, but just as gorgeous. “It gets worse. I don’t sleep much these days. Haven’t in years. It’s a waste of time anyway.”

Nie Huaisang, who often thought that sleeping was the best part of his day, as long as he didn’t start panicking over nothing, didn’t know what to answer to that. He had a feeling his opinion on the matter wasn’t required anyway.

“So, uh, aside from sleeping, how have you been?” he awkwardly asked. “Anything interesting happened to you? How does time even pass for you? Did you also have to wait for several months, or is it just after the last time we talked for you?”

His future self glared and sharply closed his fan, making Nie Huaisang jump and effectively silencing him.

"How is Lan Xichen?” the man asked. “Have you made progress with him yet?" 

"We've talked here and there, but he's always so busy," Nie Huaisang muttered, wringing his hands. “It's really hard to chat with him, you know. And he’s got such boring hobbies, too.”

Not music and painting, those were valid ways to pass time, in Nie Huaisang’s opinion. And sometimes, serious people couldn’t avoid doing some amount of work, so he didn't even begrudge Lan Xichen that either.

But Nie Huaisang hadn’t taken long to realise that whenever they were spending time together, Lan Xichen wasn’t actually doing any sect work. After all, Nie Mingjue had tried to force his little brother to help with those things, so he knew what that looked like. And it wasn't calligraphy either that occupied the older boy, because Nie Huaisang loved that and would have struck a conversation about it if given a chance.

Instead, Lan Xichen had made a hobby of copying books and treaties.

Nie Huaisang had asked, once or twice, if Lan Xichen was trying to learn those texts by heart. The older boy had very awkwardly agreed that he was indeed doing just that, but he hadn’t sounded very convinced. He really was such a poor liar. Lan Xichen was going to be awful at politics if he didn’t learn how to conceal his thoughts. Then again, he wasn’t always like that, was he? With most people he was placid and radiating a sort of empty warmth. It was just around Nie Huaisang that he would get weird, and maybe around Su She as well, as if his disdain was just too great to be contained.

Just as Nie Huaisang was about to ask his older self if he’d ever found out what he and his friend had done to Lan Xichen to be so disliked by him, the man grabbed him by the collar and shook him.

"I thought I'd told you this was essential," his older self hissed, sounding too much like Nie Huaisang's father all of a sudden. "And you’re still only thinking about having fun! Do you want da-ge to die?" 

"Of course not!" 

"Then get serious about this,” the man ordered, shaking his young self once more before pushing him away with enough force that Nie Huaisang stumbled and nearly fell. “You have to earn Lan Xichen's trust, or he will choose the wrong friend, idiot that he is."

"Well, can't you give me hints?” Nie Huaisang mumbled in a trembling voice, trying again to straighten his clothes in spite of shaking hands. “You've got to know more about him than I do, can't you tell me how I'm supposed to get close to him?" 

This, of course, earned him another disdainful glare.

"I don't remember the boy he was," his future self said, "and the man he became was never worth my attention. Figure this out on your own, and be useful for once."

It struck Nie Huaisang as very unfair that his future self was allowed to not have anything to do with Lan Xichen, but wouldn't extend the same kindness to him. It also worried him that the man before him disliked Lan Xichen so much. Nie Huaisang just found the older boy a little boring, but he didn't have any particularly strong opinion about him. 

“You can’t do that!” he complained, clenching his fists. “You can’t… I’ve got to be told things! And if you can’t tell me about how to get close to Lan Xichen, then… then at least tell my why it’s important, and why… how does da-ge die, anyway?”

“Murdered, I’ve told you that already.”

Nie Huaisang stumped his foot. “There’s so many ways to murder someone, that doesn’t narrow it down at all! Tell me how, and tell me who…” He trailed off, a horrible suspicion hitting him. “Did… did Lan Xichen…”

Just thinking of it, Nie Huaisang felt a little faint and had to stumble against the closest wall, just to get some support. Whatever he thought of Lan Xichen, that was still his brother’s closest friend, Nie Mingjue's only friend. And besides, Lan Xichen didn’t strike him as a murderer. People changed, certainly, but how could a person have changed that much?

And yet his own future self, standing before him, was proof that such a complete transformation was possible. Nie Huaisang really didn’t see anything of himself in that man, nothing except his aged up face and perhaps a taste for fashion.

“Lan Xichen is too much of a coward,” his older self proclaimed, mouth twisting in disgust. “But he helped the murderer, willingly or not, and sided with him so many times that I’ve never dared come to him with the truth. I wasn’t sure he’d trust me, even with proof. I still have my opinion on that, whatever some others think he'd have done. But you…” he waved his closed fan toward Nie Huaisang. “You might change that. Da-ge’s opinion alone wasn’t enough, but Lan Xichen has no will of his own, he’ll be easily swayed if two people he trusts are denouncing the true nature of the man he protects. That’s all I feel safe telling you at the moment. I don’t trust you not to mess things up if you know too much. You only learned too late to keep your mouth shut.”

It still sounded odd to Nie Huaisang that Lan Xichen could ever side against Nie Mingjue. Not long ago, he would have called his older self a liar, because Lan Xichen was boring but honest and just. Now though, having seen how Lan Xichen looked at Su She who had never done him any wrong… maybe it was possible that Lan Xichen would turn into a bad man, since he was clearly capable of being unjust after all.

“I’ll work harder to get close to him,” Nie Huaisang promised, pushing himself away from the wall now that he felt steadier again. “I really will. Maybe I can ask him to help with lessons a little more… I really need it, if I want to pass.”

“You’re not going to pass,” his older self announced. “It’s fine. Da-ge will send you here again, and you’ll meet some useful allies.”

At the news, Nie Huaisang let out a deep, heartfelt sigh. Having to come back in this boring place for another year sounded like torture, even with Su She for company. And then, meeting more people his future self wanted him to befriend… weren’t these people going to be just as boring as Lan Xichen?

While Nie Huaisang despaired, his adult self turned to check on something only he could see, and huffed.

“I’m running out of time. Fine, let’s be quick. Did you bring with you the information I gave you last time about Meng Yao?”

“Yes, I have it.”

Nie Huaisang took a step toward the place he’d stored his qiankun pouch, but his older self stopped him with a gesture.

“That Night Hunt in Yunping should happen fairly soon now. You have to go,” the older man ordered. “One way or another, you have to go. I don’t know when else we’d have such a chance to alter Meng Yao’s fate, and it is vital that he doesn’t enter Lanling Jin. Do whatever you must do, take whatever risk you must take, but make sure Meng Yao cannot join the Jin.”

Nie Huaisang obediently nodded, half spooked by the edge in his older self’s voice whenever he said that Meng Yao’s voice. Hating someone was just too much effort in his opinion, but apparently he’d grow to hate that Meng Yao person. But if that person was fated to play a part in Nie Mingjue’s death… in that case, and that case alone, Nie Huaisang could imagine he’d maybe become enraged enough to do something about it.

“I’ll do my best,” Nie Huaisang promised, hoping he wouldn’t have to actually kill anyone. Murder was messy, and Nie Mingjue would be cross, even if it was to save his life.

“I know what your best is,” his older self snapped. “You’ll have to do better than that. Take care of Meng Yao, get in Lan Xichen’s good graces, and then… then we’ll see,” he mused. “Depending on how well you do that, there might still be a few loose threads to cut. Xue Yang and Su She didn’t need the Jin to make trouble, we might do everyone a service and…”

“What about Su She?” Nie Huaisang cried out, grasping the older man’s wrists.

He was roughly pushed away, and earned a nasty glare for his outburst.

“Don’t mind that yet,” his older self said, straightening his sleeves. “All that matters for now is Meng Yao and Lan Xichen. Focus on them, I’ll explain the rest when the time comes.”

“But that’s…”

“I’ll return in a few months. You’d better have good news for me next time.”

Nie Huaisang launched himself at the older man, wanting to grab him again and force him to explain why he’d mentioned Su She. His hands found only empty air and he stumbled forward, falling to his knees on the hard wooden floor. It hurt, and might even bruise later, but Nie Huaisang didn’t even think to rub them or cry.

He knelt there far too long in that lonely cabin, and wondered what might happen in the future that would cause him to treat Su She as an enemy.

[bloojayoolie]

Andrew Bogut, Cats, and Children: Perfect & perfectly loveable, baby boy. ,Lived w/adored children of every age & 2 small dogs! Friendly, affectionate w/strangers, happy & sweet. PANDA ID 5110 2 12 MOS 88 LBS BROOKLYN ACC INTAKE DATE – 12/22/2018 “I was given up for no time and because of my size.” Poor Panda, his parent gave him up for two very lame reasons and now he is in danger of losing his life. This gloriously happy, super friendly and affectionate boy is just a puppy, and full of puppy playfulness. He adores greeting new friends with jump up hugs and then kisses to their hands. We adore his smushy face that speaks to us of some possible bulldog heritage, and how can you resist a boy whose tail just never stops wagging and whose face lights up at the sight of you? He’s completely socialized, having lived and played happily with many children of every possible age, as well as 2 small dogs! He is very strong little man at 88 lbs, so any family who takes him on would need to be prepared for being pulled like a sled in the Iditarod when on walks. But he is so eager to please, so happy to be in company, that further training should be a breeze. Given how precious he is, it was no surprise he scored ALL COVETED 1’S ACROSS THE BOARD ON HIS SHELTER ASSESSMENT! So don’t wait another minute, hurry and MESSAGE our page or email us at MustLoveDogsNYC@gmail.com for assistance fostering or adopting this proven, perfect, family pet. A Staff Member writes: “Panda’s former owners describe him as friendly, affectionate and very playful. Panda loves being around people and likes belly rubs. Per our behavior staff’s assessments, Panda is a very large, strong dog with the capability to pull over an average adopter. His adopter must be prepared and able to handle a dog of this size and strength. It is recommended that he be walked on a front clip harness or head halter, which help diminish his strength through leverage, and that he be trained using positive reinforcement, reward based training to not pull on leash.” PANDA, ID# 51102, @ 1 Yr. Old, 88 lbs. Brooklyn ACC, Large Mixed Breed, Black / White, Neutered Male Owner Surrender Reason: No time and Panda’s large size Shelter Assessment Rating: Experienced Home (due to strength/size) Medical Behavior Rating: 1. Green OWNER SURRENDER NOTES – BASIC INFORMATION: Panda is a large dog, 1 years old male neutered. The owner bought Panda from a breeder when he was just 4-5 months old. The owners are surrendering Panda due to his large size and having no time. He has been living with 2 adults and 4 children. When strangers come over Panda rushes to the door and greets people by jumping up and giving hugs. He is excitable to meet new people. He wags his tails and licks your hand. Panda has lived with a house full of children ages 3, 5 11 and 16 years old. Panda is very playful and follows the children around. He sometimes throws his weight around and plays rough. He likes to jump up and also play tug. He is playful and excitable around children. Panda has lived with two small dogs. He is very playful around the dogs but sometimes plays rough and throws his weight around. Unknown behavior around large dog. Panda has never lived with cats. Unknown behavior around cats. Panda has no resource guarding. Panda has no resource guarding issues - owners can touch his food bowl while eating and the children remove things from his mouth and toys. Panda has never had a bite history. He is partially housetrained and has a high energy level. He has never had any medical issues. Other Notes: Panda is partially house trained. He gets a walk 3 times a day. He defecates outside on walks but will have pee accidents in the house. Panda is crate trained and spends 7-8hr in the crate but sometimes he consistently barks and whines in the crate. For a New Family to Know: The family describes Panda as friendly, affectionate and very playful. Panda loves being around people and likes belly rubs. He likes squeaky tops but chews them up in a day. He sometimes chews on shoes. He eats a diet of eukanuba dry food twice a day. INTAKE NOTES – DATE OF INTAKE 12/22/2018: During intake Panda immediately greeted counselor. He jumped up and licked counselor face and hands. His body was lose and wiggly. He kept jumping up making it difficulty to collar him. He allowed to be scanned and photographed. SHELTER ASSESSMENT – DATE OF ASSESSMENT, 26-Dec-2018 Look: 1. Dog's eyes are averted, with tail wagging and ears back. Allows head to be held loosely in Assessor's cupped hands. Sensitivity: 1. Dog leans into the Assessor, eyes soft or squinty, soft and loose body, open mouth. Tag: 1. Dog follows at the end of the leash, body soft. Paw squeeze 1: 1. Dog does not respond at all for three seconds. Eyes are averted and ears are relaxed or back. Paw squeeze 2: 1. Dog does not respond at all for three seconds. Eyes are averted and ears are relaxed or back. Toy: 1. Dog settles close, keeps a firm grip and is loose and wiggly. Dog does not place his/her body between you and the toy. Summary: Panda allowed all handling throughout assessment showing no concerning behaviors. PLAYGROUP NOTES – DOG TO DOG NOTES: Panda's previous owner reported that he lived with two smaller dogs and played roughly with them. He has not been around larger dogs. 12/23: When off leash at the Care Center, Panda greets the novel female dog with a heightened stance, chattering his teeth and chin overs. He becomes increasingly sexually motivated, attempting to mount and paying little attention to our interruptions. The two were separated due to the increasing intensity Panda displayed in his attempts to mount her. INTAKE BEHAVIOR - Date of intake: 22-Dec-2018. Summary: jumps, excited, friendly. MEDICAL BEHAVIOR - Date of initial: 23-Dec-2018. Summary: excitable, sensitive w/ ears, allowed handling. BEHAVIOR DETERMINATION: EXPERIENCE (suitable for an adopter with some previous dog experience, especially with the behaviors outlined below) Potential challenges: Basic manners/poor impulse control, Strength/leash pulling. Potential challenges comments: STRENGTH/LEASH PULLING: Panda is a very large, strong dog with the capability to pull over an average adopter. His adopter must be prepared and able to handle a dog of this size and strength. It is recommended that he be walked on a front clip harness or head halter, which help diminish his strength through leverage, and that he be trained using positive reinforcement, reward based training to not pull on leash. BASIC MANNERS/POOR IMPULSE CONTROL: It is recommended that default behaviors such as "Leave it", "Sit/Stay", "Down" are reinforced to substitute any frustration and teach him to control his impulses instead of simply reacting; proper management is also advised. Force-free, reward based training only is recommended. MEDICAL EXAM NOTES 24-Dec-2018 Progress Exam. ACR: Intake 12/23. Noted to be ataxic on pm walk and has odd head circling behavior when excited. S/O: Dog is BARH, slight head tilt to left BCS 5/9. EENT: Mild+ amount brown waxy debris AU (AS>AD). Oral Exam: Grade H/L: Auscult wnl. Abd: Soft, non-painful. MSI: No ataxia noted during exam today Mentation: appropriate. A: Otitis externa, AU. P: Cleaned AU and applied Mometamax - continue SID x 6d, then recheck. Is the Initial Medical Status being Changed? No. New Medical Status: Is the Initial Behavior Status being Changed? No. New Behavior Color: 23-Dec-2018 DVM Intake Exam. Estimated age: ~1.5-2yrs based on PE and secondary sex characteristics. O reports P is 1yr. Microchip noted on Intake? scanned negative. placed by LVT. History : Owner surrender due to his large size and excitable behavior. Subjective / Observed Behavior - BAR, allowed most handling; sensitive to ear manipulation. Excitable and pulls on leash. Evidence of Cruelty seen - none Evidence of Trauma seen – none. Objective: BCS 5/9, EENT: Eyes clear, ears have heavy black exudate, AU; no nasal or ocular discharge noted. Oral Exam: could not evaluate due to cooperation. PLN: No enlargements noted. H/L: No murmur ausculted; CRT < 2, Lungs clear, eupnic. ABD: Non painful, no masses palpated. U/G: intact male. testicles are smooth and symmetrical. MSI: Ambulatory x 4, skin free of parasites, no masses noted, healthy hair coat; tail appears dislocated at the distal end. CNS: Mentation appropriate - no signs of neurologic abnormalities. Rectal: externally normal. Assessment: otitis externa, intact male, possible dislocated tail. Prognosis: excellent. Plan: recommend behavioral training, at time of surgery, ear cleaning and claro otic application + oral exam. (did not allow during intake). SURGERY: Okay for surgery *** TO FOSTER OR ADOPT *** If you would like to adopt a NYC ACC dog, and can get to the shelter in person to complete the adoption process, you can contact the shelter directly. We have provided the Brooklyn, Staten Island and Manhattan information below. Adoption hours at these facilities is Noon – 8:00 p.m. (6:30 on weekends) If you CANNOT get to the shelter in person and you want to FOSTER OR ADOPT a NYC ACC Dog, you can PRIVATE MESSAGE our Must Love Dogs page for assistance. PLEASE NOTE: You MUST live in NY, NJ, PA, CT, RI, DE, MD, MA, NH, VT, ME or Northern VA. You will need to fill out applications with a New Hope Rescue Partner to foster or adopt a NYC ACC dog. Transport is available if you live within the prescribed range of states. Shelter contact information: Phone number (212) 788-4000 Email adopt@nycacc.org Shelter Addresses: Brooklyn Shelter: 2336 Linden Boulevard Brooklyn, NY 11208 Manhattan Shelter: 326 East 110 St. New York, NY 10029 Staten Island Shelter: 3139 Veterans Road West Staten Island, NY 10309

[intangibleromance]

Daddy issues.

It's so weird when I look at photos of my father, I know it's my dad but the feelings aren't there. He has hurt me more than anyone in my life ever has or could. Even when he is being kind, I always assume it is hime being a phony. He has never been there for me, or for my siblings...and a part of me feels guilty because they can have a relationship with him but I can't. I can't trust him, and I can't seem to get over that. It could be because I spent a few years of my adult life living with him, getting to know the real person that he is. It was a really rough time in my,life, and in his life. Resulting in me getting a restraining order...on my own father. I know it sounds so shitty, but it felt worse than it sounds. It was so hard for me emotionally... Knowing I koved to dover to live with him and my mother, and suddenly he kicked me out of the apartment because he was having marital problems... He literally didn't care what happened to me. He threatened my life, he destroyed my personal belonging, (all in a drunken rage...) He tried jumping me and attacking me outside my place of employment - resulting in me losing my job. He would harass me every night he was drunk, flooding my phone with text messages about how much I suck and how he hated me and my boy friend, it was our fault his wife wanted to leave him. He was in so much denial, he couldn't even see that it was his drinking that was the problem. I felt like I was stuck in the middle of something I couldn't get out of. I would lock myself in my room in hopes he would just leave me alone... I was scared to come home after work because I was afraid he would be awake and drunk and angry... He lied to his whole family about me. Told them (my aunts and my GRANDMOTHER) that I attatcked him, that I hurt him and that I was the reason his marriage failed. He was so unwilling to look at himself, to see what he did...to take ownership of his actions that he lied to them about me. Made them dislike me and even literally shun me at my sister in laws baby shower. My own grandmother wouldn't even hug me.... I cant begin to express the pain I felt and how horrible it felt knowing that they felt that way because of a lie. Because he was so immature he couldnt be honest about what HE did to ME.

**deep breath**

It took a lot for me to move to NH and live with him and my mother. I mostly went because of her, and in the end....she was never there. And it became a very scary situation.

My childhood memories of my father don't get any better. His addictions have always been a problem and have always made a mess of my families lives. He sexually abused me for years, and molested my sister. I never understood that his behavior was wrong, because he was my dad and I was little. I knew it made me feel uncomfortable and I knew it made me feel weird...but he was my dad, so I thought that is what it was suppose to be like. I can't imagine what happened to Amanda, and I think about it all the time. Her inability to even speak about it, lets me know it was really bad and probably VERY traumatizing to her. How she can hug him or look him in the face wuthout ever receiving an honest apology, I don't get. He has NEVER fully admitted what he did, he will drunkenly rage about it, and about how it was so long ago and I should get over it and he made a mistake. Never truly understanding the IMPACT he had on my development, my emotional well being. In not even sure I fully get it yet, but I know how I am, is based a lot,on that relationship I had with him. It is really hard to be around him. A lot of the time I'm pretty sure he doesnt care at all about me. There hacr been MANY times he has wished death upon me, told me he hated me... Probably because I'm the only one of his kids that still holds him accountable. It really hurt me a lot, and I am so self aware and I analyze myself so much that I cant help but realize a lot,of my,issues in relationships come back to him and how he has treated me. That gives me hope that someday I will be able to get over this, someday I won't need him to apologize or take ownership.

So there I was, 31 years old... 4 montha pregnant. Emotional, and reflecting on my life. Planning my baby shower, thinking about the next steps in my life. And it dawned on me that my entire life I spent trying to make sure George was happy. I lied to me consouler, I hid from my family...I allowed his behavior to damage me so deeply that every time he hurt me I would sit and feel bad for him.... That is so messed up and I realized that he was manipulating me into feeling that way. He would always talk about how horrible his life was and cry, but how come he didnt care about how horrible he was making my life?

The last straw for me, was him lying to me about me. Soubds fucked up, because it was. He tried telling me that I attavked him and that I know I did, and that I shouldnt feel bad but that he was over it. Like....Wtf. I told him j waznt inviting his family to my baby shower and he lost it, intold him I would only invite them if he told the truth. He replied to that with calling me a bunch of names, blocking me on social media and proclaiming that I no longer have a father. I cried for a long time about all of this, that I don't think I can cry about him anymore.... Bottom line is that I do not trust him to not hurt me. I dont trust him with my emotions any longer..

**deep breath**

Someday I will be okay. One day at a time. One writing at a time.

#metoo

[bloojayoolie]

Being Alone, Andrew Bogut, and Cats: PERFECT & perfectly loveable baby boy. Lived wit children of every age & 2 small dogs. Friendly affectionate, happy & SWEET! Pande ID 51102 12 Mos Ama ng & waiting at Brooklyn ACC I'M STILL WAITING! I SPENT MY HOLIDAYS ALONE :-( “I was given up for no time and because of my size.” Poor Panda, his parent gave him up for two very lame reasons and now he is in danger of losing his life. This gloriously happy, super friendly and affectionate boy is just a puppy, and full of puppy playfulness. He adores greeting new friends with jump up hugs and then kisses to their hands. We adore his smushy face that speaks to us of some possible bulldog heritage, and how can you resist a boy whose tail just never stops wagging and whose face lights up at the sight of you? He’s completely socialized, having lived and played happily with many children of every possible age, as well as 2 small dogs! He is very strong little man at 88 lbs, so any family who takes him on would need to be prepared for being pulled like a sled in the Iditarod when on walks. But he is so eager to please, so happy to be in company, that further training should be a breeze. Given how precious he is, it was no surprise he scored ALL COVETED 1’S ACROSS THE BOARD ON HIS SHELTER ASSESSMENT! So don’t wait another minute, hurry and MESSAGE our page or email us at MustLoveDogsNYC@gmail.com for assistance fostering or adopting this proven, perfect, family pet. A Staff Member writes: “Panda’s former owners describe him as friendly, affectionate and very playful. Panda loves being around people and likes belly rubs. Per our behavior staff’s assessments, Panda is a very large, strong dog with the capability to pull over an average adopter. His adopter must be prepared and able to handle a dog of this size and strength. It is recommended that he be walked on a front clip harness or head halter, which help diminish his strength through leverage, and that he be trained using positive reinforcement, reward based training to not pull on leash.” MY VIDEOS: https://youtu.be/q032OXKG-dw The Panda Shuffle https://youtu.be/k_ajVaduYNc PANDA, ID# 51102, @ 1 Yr. Old, 88 lbs. Brooklyn ACC, Large Mixed Breed, Black / White, Neutered Male, Intake Date: 12/22/2018 Owner Surrender Reason: No time and Panda’s large size Shelter Assessment Rating: Experienced Home (due to strength/size) Medical Behavior Rating: 1. Green OWNER SURRENDER NOTES – BASIC INFORMATION: Panda is a large dog, 1 years old male neutered. The owner bought Panda from a breeder when he was just 4-5 months old. The owners are surrendering Panda due to his large size and having no time. He has been living with 2 adults and 4 children. When strangers come over Panda rushes to the door and greets people by jumping up and giving hugs. He is excitable to meet new people. He wags his tails and licks your hand. Panda has lived with a house full of children ages 3, 5 11 and 16 years old. Panda is very playful and follows the children around. He sometimes throws his weight around and plays rough. He likes to jump up and also play tug. He is playful and excitable around children. Panda has lived with two small dogs. He is very playful around the dogs but sometimes plays rough and throws his weight around. Unknown behavior around large dog. Panda has never lived with cats. Unknown behavior around cats. Panda has no resource guarding. Panda has no resource guarding issues - owners can touch his food bowl while eating and the children remove things from his mouth and toys. Panda has never had a bite history. He is partially housetrained and has a high energy level. He has never had any medical issues. Other Notes: Panda is partially house trained. He gets a walk 3 times a day. He defecates outside on walks but will have pee accidents in the house. Panda is crate trained and spends 7-8hr in the crate but sometimes he consistently barks and whines in the crate. For a New Family to Know: The family describes Panda as friendly, affectionate and very playful. Panda loves being around people and likes belly rubs. He likes squeaky tops but chews them up in a day. He sometimes chews on shoes. He eats a diet of eukanuba dry food twice a day. INTAKE NOTES – DATE OF INTAKE 12/22/2018: During intake Panda immediately greeted counselor. He jumped up and licked counselor face and hands. His body was lose and wiggly. He kept jumping up making it difficulty to collar him. He allowed to be scanned and photographed. SHELTER ASSESSMENT – DATE OF ASSESSMENT, 26-Dec-2018 Look: 1. Dog's eyes are averted, with tail wagging and ears back. Allows head to be held loosely in Assessor's cupped hands. Sensitivity: 1. Dog leans into the Assessor, eyes soft or squinty, soft and loose body, open mouth. Tag: 1. Dog follows at the end of the leash, body soft. Paw squeeze 1: 1. Dog does not respond at all for three seconds. Eyes are averted and ears are relaxed or back. Paw squeeze 2: 1. Dog does not respond at all for three seconds. Eyes are averted and ears are relaxed or back. Toy: 1. Dog settles close, keeps a firm grip and is loose and wiggly. Dog does not place his/her body between you and the toy. Summary: Panda allowed all handling throughout assessment showing no concerning behaviors. PLAYGROUP NOTES – DOG TO DOG NOTES: Panda's previous owner reported that he lived with two smaller dogs and played roughly with them. He has not been around larger dogs. 12/23: When off leash at the Care Center, Panda greets the novel female dog with a heightened stance, chattering his teeth and chin overs. He becomes increasingly sexually motivated, attempting to mount and paying little attention to our interruptions. The two were separated due to the increasing intensity Panda displayed in his attempts to mount her. INTAKE BEHAVIOR - Date of intake: 22-Dec-2018. Summary: jumps, excited, friendly. MEDICAL BEHAVIOR - Date of initial: 23-Dec-2018. Summary: excitable, sensitive w/ ears, allowed handling. BEHAVIOR DETERMINATION: EXPERIENCE (suitable for an adopter with some previous dog experience, especially with the behaviors outlined below) Potential challenges: Basic manners/poor impulse control, Strength/leash pulling. Potential challenges comments: STRENGTH/LEASH PULLING: Panda is a very large, strong dog with the capability to pull over an average adopter. His adopter must be prepared and able to handle a dog of this size and strength. It is recommended that he be walked on a front clip harness or head halter, which help diminish his strength through leverage, and that he be trained using positive reinforcement, reward based training to not pull on leash. BASIC MANNERS/POOR IMPULSE CONTROL: It is recommended that default behaviors such as "Leave it", "Sit/Stay", "Down" are reinforced to substitute any frustration and teach him to control his impulses instead of simply reacting; proper management is also advised. Force-free, reward based training only is recommended. MEDICAL EXAM NOTES 24-Dec-2018 Progress Exam. ACR: Intake 12/23. Noted to be ataxic on pm walk and has odd head circling behavior when excited. S/O: Dog is BARH, slight head tilt to left BCS 5/9. EENT: Mild+ amount brown waxy debris AU (AS>AD). Oral Exam: Grade H/L: Auscult wnl. Abd: Soft, non-painful. MSI: No ataxia noted during exam today Mentation: appropriate. A: Otitis externa, AU. P: Cleaned AU and applied Mometamax - continue SID x 6d, then recheck. Is the Initial Medical Status being Changed? No. New Medical Status: Is the Initial Behavior Status being Changed? No. New Behavior Color: 23-Dec-2018 DVM Intake Exam. Estimated age: ~1.5-2yrs based on PE and secondary sex characteristics. O reports P is 1yr. Microchip noted on Intake? scanned negative. placed by LVT. History : Owner surrender due to his large size and excitable behavior. Subjective / Observed Behavior - BAR, allowed most handling; sensitive to ear manipulation. Excitable and pulls on leash. Evidence of Cruelty seen - none Evidence of Trauma seen – none. Objective: BCS 5/9, EENT: Eyes clear, ears have heavy black exudate, AU; no nasal or ocular discharge noted. Oral Exam: could not evaluate due to cooperation. PLN: No enlargements noted. H/L: No murmur ausculted; CRT < 2, Lungs clear, eupnic. ABD: Non painful, no masses palpated. U/G: intact male. testicles are smooth and symmetrical. MSI: Ambulatory x 4, skin free of parasites, no masses noted, healthy hair coat; tail appears dislocated at the distal end. CNS: Mentation appropriate - no signs of neurologic abnormalities. Rectal: externally normal. Assessment: otitis externa, intact male, possible dislocated tail. Prognosis: excellent. Plan: recommend behavioral training, at time of surgery, ear cleaning and claro otic application + oral exam. (did not allow during intake). SURGERY: Okay for surgery *** TO FOSTER OR ADOPT *** If you would like to adopt a NYC ACC dog, and can get to the shelter in person to complete the adoption process, you can contact the shelter directly. We have provided the Brooklyn, Staten Island and Manhattan information below. Adoption hours at these facilities is Noon – 8:00 p.m. (6:30 on weekends) If you CANNOT get to the shelter in person and you want to FOSTER OR ADOPT a NYC ACC Dog, you can PRIVATE MESSAGE our Must Love Dogs page for assistance. PLEASE NOTE: You MUST live in NY, NJ, PA, CT, RI, DE, MD, MA, NH, VT, ME or Northern VA. You will need to fill out applications with a New Hope Rescue Partner to foster or adopt a NYC ACC dog. Transport is available if you live within the prescribed range of states. Shelter contact information: Phone number (212) 788-4000 Email adopt@nycacc.org Shelter Addresses: Brooklyn Shelter: 2336 Linden Boulevard Brooklyn, NY 11208 Manhattan Shelter: 326 East 110 St. New York, NY 10029 Staten Island Shelter: 3139 Veterans Road West Staten Island, NY 10309