#bc even when it feels like hell its a unique hell. and more importantly its not your life anymore

[craycraybluejay]

i should get more method by smoking more weed + remembering the million times i got too fucked up and thought i was going to die or just very but not too fucked up and how it felt in the moment. the confusion, weird fixations, wack visuals, nausea, dissassociation, shame, real and vivid fear of death.

i can tell y'all i have had someone make active attempts on my life but there is no death as frightening as the idea of dying in a puddle of puke and other bodily fluids feeling so disoriented and so much physical pain and discomfort that you'd pay a million dollars to crawl directly out of your body. there's easier OD concepts to stomach like one depressants but the concept of dying on a psychedelic or an upper or even a stimulating dissociative is terrifying. or dying from contaminants which injure you a lot more than whatever you were meaning to take ever could.

i want to write angel having a seizure the way i did. i want to write him compulsively adding different substances because just the one isn't enough. i want to torture this lil guy as he tries and fails to save himself :3

[cupidmanic]

this is the first time in a minute where like, mad of my loved ones around me are in relationships and it is so beautiful to finally see my favorite people happy in the way they deserve. talking about things with them for years and finally seeing it (with all things too not just romance). it reassures me. they make me realize there's still things i've never experienced romantically yet (in general too but yk) and it makes me so joyful to know this life will be so long, and so vast. and full of pleasurable experiences even admits the heartbreaking ones. and even those moments can still be beautiful and meaningful. i'm so excited 2 fall in love again, even if i am absolutely with everything in my heart guts and soul enjoying the peace of mind i've been having. it just feels nice to take a fucking break from dating. i am a lot (as everyone just looovvveesss to tell and remind me!) and i know what i want and exactly who i am, and thats intimidating to a lot of people apparently. i cut everything off around november and it was sad but i needed to go through it alone. it was all just too much. it hurt and it felt so so good. it still does. i don't want to be avoidant, and i don't think i am but i just don't want to get hurt again. and more importantly, i really try my best not to hurt others too! but i needed to find myself again, without the crutch of companionship or the responsibility of another's persons emotions. because i will avoid at all costs neglecting or hurting someone in the ways that i've felt done to me all in the name of just simply not having the capacity (or... care enough). people really think, especially being a black woman, that because you can function you can carry it all on your own. i am a person with my own unique heavy set of needs and i have to be okay with understanding a lot of people will not be receptive to that, or even care at all. and it is ultimately up to me to protect myself and not allow nonreciprocal situations to happen. but some will care. some will and having a wall up won't help me. i think its just hard to trust myself again because its scares me how bad my mental can get, again, another thing that highly goes into consideration when dealing with new people. i kept asking him why he wanted to talk to me and he goes, cause i'm curious damn! and you know what, he ate me up on that one. its cute to have someone to banter with even if its just for now, bc these niggas be scared of me #lol (respectfully, can i blame them?) but, i just don't think curiosity is enough. sometimes even love on its own, isn't enough. tough lesson to learn on that one fr. i wouldn't be such a hard ass if the world didn't make me this way! sorry love, but i'm trying. i'll get my fairytale eventually. i'm okay with waiting for you because i know we're already here, just catch up! and i know they'll be one hell of a person to love me, truly love all of me. this glamorous hot mess.

i just love to think and talk and explore and daydream about love yes im a dork no i dont care its what glistens the mundanity of life in all aspects and all different types of love. but i think i just experience the feelings of it all way too deeply to enjoy it casually. i'm so stupid to even think i could try that shit the way i move LOL. but there's always one time for everything! ;) god bless ur 20's. to be young, stupid, dumb and in love

[dillydedalus]

september reading

there is literally no way it is september. impossible. anyway this month we have  horror, Fake Dating, the rashomon effect, a time war, and most importantly, no neutrals to be found anywhere

the old man & his sons, heðin brú (tr. from faroese by john f. west) published on the faroe islands in 1940 and the first faroese novel to be translated into english, this is a story about the dramatic shift in life style during the 30s on the faroe islands, from hardscrabble subsistence farming/fishing to market economy. interesting look at changing life on isolated isles, and a much lighter (and shorter) take on the stubborn autonomous subsistence farmer than laxness’s independent people. 3/5

the white shroud, antanas škėma (tr from lithuanian by karla gruodis - english/claudia sinnig - german) a modernist, fragmented, nonlinear novel about a lithuanian poet gone into exile, now working as an elevator operator in a new york hotel, who is involved with a married woman but might also be terminally ill. in between the present timeline, the book flashes back (both in the character’s own writing and in third person) to his youth in lithuania, his torture at the hands of the soviet regime, his time at a DP camp in germany and so on. quite interesting, with some great writing. 3/5

things we lost in the fire, mariana enríquez (tr. from spanish by megan mcdowell) really good collection of horror-ish short stories that also touch on gendered violence, child abuse, poverty and argentinian history (esp. dictatorship and disappearances) - some stories are more overtly horror, with clear supernatural elements, others are more ambiguous. i don’t read (or watch) horror stuff so i’m a bad judge of how scary this is - i found it more gruesome and upsetting than terrifying, but the dread is strong in this one. favourites: adela’s house (hungry haunted house), end of term and the title story (women & self-inflictred violence), under the black water (the poisoned oil-choked river is very bad but maybe.... there’s something worse in there). good, vividly gruesome, sharp sharp sharp. 3.5/5

axiom’s end, lindsay ellis i really like lindsay ellis, of all the ~youtube video essayists~ she’s probably my favourite and this book a) has a cool premise - aliens + conspiracies + alien communication and b) a really cool cover, and it’s lindsay, so i was super excited for this one. and it would be unfair to say i was disappointed with it; it’s a fun first contact romp with really good pacing, cool aliens, on-brand lindsay ellis humour and some interesting ideas on communicating with someone who is truly alien and incomprehensible. it’s fine! i enjoyed it and will definitely read the sequel, it’s just... i was hoping it would be AMAZING, and it just wasn’t. no huge problems (except for a few lines i would have liked to take a red pen to), just.... it was fine. 3.5/5 

zeno’s conscience, italo svevo (tr. from italian by william weaver) imagine you’re a businessman in trieste who does a little unsuccessful writing on the side and one day you decide to take english lessons to improve your business opportunities with the uk and your english teacher is JAMES FUCKING JOYCE who tells you that you need to keep writing. incredible. anyway these are the autobiographical notes of one zeno cosini, a hapless hypochondriac smug self-delusional fool, who just cannot quite quit smoking, marries the one sister out of three he least desires, & works as an accountant (for the man who married his most-desired of said sisters) despite his rather tenuous grasp on bookkeeping. my favourite scene is when his future sister in law (2nd most desired) complains lightly about her difficulties with latin, he tells her that he believes latin is a man’s language and even roman ladies probably didn’t actually speak it, only for her to correct him on a latin quotation. i will say tho that this book is way to long to maintain the endearingness and often drags. 3/5 tfw u write for an audience of one but that one is james joyce so fair enough

der hund/der tunnel/die panne, friedrich dürrenmatt dürrenmatt (in addition to having a cool-ass name) really fucking slaps!  his stuff is really good, and often really really wild. these three stories are all weird & slightly existentially scary, two degrees left of reality, and just. so interesting! we have a man stalking a street preacher and his monstrous dog, a train going through a tunnel for way too long (and it is very scary), and a man becoming involved in a pretend-trial (or is it) and becoming convinced that he actually is a murderer (or is he, really?). anyway, dürrenmatt.... slaps. 4/5

wow, no thank you., samantha irby a mix of memoir and comedy blogpost and social critique blogpost about growing up poor & black, dating while fat, chronic illness, and settling down in rural america. it’s fine. i haven’t read irby’s previous collections so maybe i’m missing that emotional connection, but i thought it was mostly...okay?? not especially funny imo & i prefered the more serious chapters of which there weren’t enough. 2/5

they say in harlan county: an oral history, alessandro portelli really impressive oral history about life in harlan county, appalachia, focusing on the labor strikes and conflicts in the 30s and 40s, but really exploring life and politics in the region from the first non-native settlement there to today. really interesting, sometimes inspiring and often infuriating and probably worth reading if you’ve ever listened to which side are you on. 4/5

rashomon & other stories, ryunosuke akutagawa (tr. from japanese by jay rubin) fun fact: if you read the short story “rashomon” expecting to get the, y’know, rashomon effect, you won’t get it bc the film actually takes its plot from the story  “in a grove”. anyway this is an interesting collection of classic japanese short stories, many of which are actually about unreliable witnesses/narrators. i particularly enjoyed “in a grove” and the truly disturbing “hell screen”, but found this particular collection just a bit too long. 3/5

women without men, shahrnush parsipur (tr. from farsi by kamran talatoff & joceyln sharlet) a magical realist feminist novella about 5 women in iran who all try to liberate themselves from men in one way or another, more or less successfully (one of them turns into a tree, another becomes undead), until they end up in a semi-utopian garden together for a time. disturbing in its depiction oppression and sexual/gendered violence. i don’t really know how i feel about it, but it’s a really unique and interesting reading experience; very fraught and ambivalent in the end. 3.5/5

take a hint, dani brown, talia hibbert i think this is the first actual pure genre-romance book i’ve read... in years??possibly ever? idk. anyway this is mostly a pretty fun & sweet story about ambitious & emotionally constipated phd student dani brown and security guy with tragic past zaf ansari, who begin a fake relationship for Various Reasons (as you do) and both develop Real Feelings (as you do, predictably). it’s mostly really enjoyable but man i’m really not used to Romance writing & it’s a lot. in the end everyone is very genuine & earnest & emotionally honest which.... not to be even more emotionally repressed than dani but i cannot deal with that. anyway given that 2020 truly is the gift that keeps on giving this was a fun fluffy delight & i might  read more from the series. 3.5/5

this is how you lose the time war, amal el-mohtar & max gladstone two agents (red and blue) on opposing sides of a time war (the futuristic techy Agency vs the eco/organic Garden - neither of them is Good or Bad exactly) start writing letters as they hunt each other through the strands of time’s braid and eventually (inevitably) fall in love. really interesting concept of time travel and different timelines (if, like me, you conceptualise past as down and future as up, this will trip you up so much), very lyrical writing that sometimes toes the line to overwritten but mostly really works. 3.5/5

DNF: the madman of freedom square & the iraqi christ, hassan blasim (tr. from arabic by jonathan wright, german tr. by hartmut fähndrich) bindup of these two short story collections about iraq. these are incredibly brutal, depressing & horrifying stories about a country in a constant state of war & struggle. couldn’t bear it, probably not ever & certainly not right now. 

allegro pastell, leif randt (audio) this is brilliant, bitingly funny novel about a millenial couple, tanja & jerome, and their on-and-off long distance relationship. they are privileged (and half-aware of it), attractive, successful, very in touch with their own feelings (couldn’t be me), self-reflective, faintly ironic in everything bc sincerity might be cringe, and you will hate them. these are people who perform their feelings rather than feel them, dissect all their opinions and impulses to the point of both paralysis and narcissism, engage in constant navelgazing and cannot form any relationship that isn’t based in constant evaluation and judgment. they pride themselves on their nonconformity but are really the greatest conformists of all, and the most square, boring, spießig people under the veneer of their urban liberal drug-and-club lifestyle. had so much fun with it even as i was constantly cringing at these people. 4/5

[roominthecastle]

Okay but Sting’s Desert Rosé... I am officially fixated on this one

bc Cheers!!!!

bc I’m almost sure it’s Michael’s handiwork. He has the ability to construct such things + a history of hiding puns in them, e.g. “Strangers Under the Train” & “Bend It Like Bentham” can be spotted in the background in his trolley problem simulation (TPS)) + Janet doesn’t leave the tape room

bc it specifies that the bar serving as a framework for this (forbidden) meeting w/ Eleanor is named after Sting’s Desert Rose which Sting described as a song of romantic-sexual longing placed within a larger philosophical context - “romantic love as an analog for the greater love of God” [x] and thus redemption (see the “Redeem Yourself” poster on the wall by the door).

Now overthinking/reading into things is my forte, and that’s exactly what’s happening behind the cut, so beware:

The puns in Michael’s TPS have direct relevance not only to the “practical nature” of the simulation at hand (strangers are literally under the trolley as they keep mowing them down amidst spurting blood and flying body chunks that “curiously” only hit poor Chidi despite Eleanor’s close proximity), but also cleverly hint at Michael’s own feelings on the issue that won’t get revealed until later. Bentham’s famous “greatest-happiness principle” governs his actions when he chooses to sacrifice himself to give Eleanor & the others a chance to secure passage to the real Good Place where eternal happiness awaits. He “bends it like Bentham”.

IF we can take TPS as precedent (and that’s a big if, I know, but it’s fun), then Sting’s Desert Rosé is also likely to be more than just a simple pun. Then it is both relevant to the practicalities of the situation at hand (it is a bar that serves wine) and to feelings which have not been articulated yet and will come into play later. Michael’s solution to the trolley problem (self-sacrifice) develops silently and remains in the background until a situation demands its disclosure. The implication of Sting’s Desert Rosé is a feeling of deep longing for the love of a woman and even that of a higher being (God) - a painful desire to return to the “good place” (or the “pre-fall” condition).

Michael is already invested in how Eleanor sees him and he also wished to follow them to the real Good Place, but since he is still a demon, gaining both her & (the show’s version of) God’s love (=entry) must feel like a long shot at best. I think he became painfully aware of this as a result of those ethics lessons and his billion failed attempts to sneak into the Good Place. All this likely informed his trolley problem solution, too. Being made aware of how fundamentally disqualified he is hasn’t enabled him to change it, it just made him feel miserable since the longing is still there, a longing no other “sane” demon has. Yet it doesn’t stop him from trying to help the others, which makes me wanna wrap him in an eternal hug.

If we look at the lyrics and compare/contrast them w/ the show, several thematic similarities emerge. (ofc these could be entirely accidental and/or irrelevant, but they are still there, imo)

“I am looking for myself and my loved one”

The Algerian Arabic intro (which sounds almost like a prayer) sums up Michael’s journey of discovering what it means/feels to be human. Such a journey inevitably involves the pains & pleasures of choice, of identity forging, and the experience of love (returned or otherwise). Janet started out as an anthropomorphized mainframe and now, after a social “evolution” induced by environment interacting w/ some unique “susceptibility”, she is questioning what/who she is. Michael is in the same boat: he started out as an office drone demon but that’s not quite what/who he is anymore. Both were obedient workers “pre-programmed” to serve but now they make their own paths separate from their kind. They threw out the rulebook and are actively choosing the recipients of their devotion, even when those recipients can no longer remember them.

“I dream of love as time runs through my hand those dreams are tied to a horse that will never tire My life is for you”

Janet gravitates toward Jason and Michael toward Eleanor in particular. They have to let them go at the end of S2 as another round of experiment kicks off, but one connection, in form of ticker tapes, remains and we can see them holding and reading these w/ unwavering commitment. It’s likely just a coincidence but a very nice one still, so I am going there: the word “ticker” can refer to a watch (and thus time), the heart, and the machine connecting Michael and Janet to Eleanor and Jason respectively.

The titular desert rose is not without concrete relevance, either. All her life Eleanor lived in Arizona which is home to several deserts (Sonoran, Mojave, Chihuahuan). This is at the core of one of my favorite gags where Michael keeps asking the freshly rebooted Janet for Eleanor’s file, and she keeps handing him cacti instead. Then, when she finally produces the file, it still has a bunch of cactus pictures in them. If we roll w/ this desert connection, then Eleanor = desert rose def works too (+ she is wearing red in the bar scene)

“This memory of Eden haunts us all This desert flower This rare perfume, is the sweet intoxication of the fall”

The fall and Eden are key elements in Genesis. Eve shares the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil w/ Adam and they get booted from paradise. Something similar happens in the show, too, albeit w/ some neat twists. Eleanor insists that Michael attend Chidi’s ethics lessons (=“tree”) where they acquire knowledge (=“fruit”) of, yes, good and evil. She shares it w/ him and it changes Michael, which leads to his disobedience or “fall” and ultimate banishment as their “good place” gets completely disassembled.

Michael has a spark of deviance in him from the get-go, an innate urge to color outside the lines, but he starts to cross them in earnest only after Eleanor enters the picture. First, it’s in the form of 802 reboots, which is 800 more than he is authorized for, but he gets fixated on besting her. The 2nd big moment is when he takes his senior staff pin (the very symbol of everything he ever wanted) and pins it on her, irrevocably betraying everything he previously stood for. He pulls a sort of “reverse Lucifer” (his “rebellion” takes place in the show’s approximation of hell and is driven not by pride but by humbling himself) but it’s patterned on the fall of man. This mix of demonic and human heritage would be very in-keeping w/ his character: a demon longing to experience what it’s like to be human.

“No sweet perfume ever tortured me more than this.”

It is one of the greatest sources of irony in the show how the torture master ends up tormenting himself with and within the very framework he constructed for others. At the end of those 802 reboots, nobody is suffering more than Michael. His subordinates may be frustrated but they eagerly turn his failures to their advantage while the ultimate responsibility still rests w/ Michael who, already after the 2nd failed reboot, runs the very real risk of dying the only death his kind is able: the eternal shriek. The four humans endure a measure of psychological-emotional torture, but they forget all but the last week of their afterlife due to rebooting, whereas Michael remembers everything. He has to endure failure over and over again bc Eleanor keeps figuring him out, upping the pressure w/ each reboot, and, finally, exposing him to blackmail by his own underlings. This is when he reaches complete isolation which is a special kind of hell even within hell.

This 1st type of torture Eleanor (unwittingly) puts him through is mental in nature. She repeatedly hits him where it hurts the most at that time - his sense of intellectual superiority -, gradually evicting him from a life he’s known since forever. The direct continuation of this process is when she makes attendance of Chidi’s lessons compulsory, which again forces him to fully confront the fact that he’s not always the smartest guy in the room, not always in control, and - most importantly - that it’s okay bc the others are there to help and guide him when he’s in need.

This breakthrough gives way to the 2nd, more complex phase that involves (social) emotions that tend to develop as a result of cooperation (esp the kind Team Cockroach engaged in). We can already see their effect creep in when e.g. Michael is plagued by fear at the possibility of losing his friends or when he experiences the first sharp pangs of remorse. He is no longer immune to the full palette of “human suffering” bc he cares and even loves now, and it all stems from and loops back to Eleanor. She is the one he desperately clutches after the dangers pass, it’s her disappointment that slices through him even though he let the rest of them down too, and it’s her “progress reports” that fill his life after they have to part ways.

In this new phase he is forbidden to help or have any kind of contact, but when he can no longer stand doing nothing, he has to risk everything again in exchange for a few minutes w/ her. He could have easily nudged her in the right direction w/o revealing himself - the way he did when he saved her life. But no, this time he shows himself, prompts her to just ramble on about Kangaroo Jack, which, objectively speaking, is an insane risk to take when you can get caught every second, so you know Michael only took his feelings w/ him and left objectivity behind, and, at the end of it all, she still looks at him and sees a total stranger bc this is the only way for her to gain entry to paradise.

Now that’s some exquisite torture in a bar named after a song of romantic-sexual longing placed within a larger philosophical context.

[cryptidofthekeys]

Jason and Dean prompts!

1: Jason and Dean struggling to find each other in a crowded place (more like Jason struggling to find Dean's stupid ass). Fortunately, Jason knows just the thing. (prompt number one comin right up! Gonna put a keep reading here just in case)

Dean and Jason were out and about, they had needed some stuff from the grocery store, of course... Jason didn't exactly like going to this particular grocery store because there were so many crowds, so many people... It irritated him, luckily though... Dean was with him, so he had something to focus on to keep him distracted, he was listening to Dean ramble off some of the items they needed, and every so often Dean would go off topic and be rambling about something else, they eventually got to the aisle they needed to be in and started gathering some snacks and various other foods, Jason had went into the other aisles to grab some of the extra stuff Dean told him to get. After they had gotten everything they needed, they headed for the checkout immediately, Jason rolling his eyes when he noticed the cashier's fear, he looked away from them and just let Dean do everything, after the stuff was paid for they both hurriedly headed out, Jason already seeming more relieved to be away from all those noisy nuisances, his relief was short lived however when he noticed there was a large crowd formed in the streets, Dean seemed confused "Th' fuck is all this shit?" He then took notice of the floats beginning to pass by and he seemed interested actually "Ooh! A parade, huh?" He sped off into the crowd, leaving Jason behind to sigh "...So much for getting home quickly..." He muttered to himself, casually walking towards the direction Dean headed in. However he got lost in the crowd after trying to search for him, whatever this parade was in regards to it definitely had gathered a rather large crowd, after a bit of searching, Jason had gotten fed up and stopped dead in his tracks, for a few moments he was silent until he spoke "Dean's a lil bitch!" He yelled out, not caring if he got a few weird looks because as if right on cue, there was someone yelling out profanity and pushing his way through the crowd "What the fuck did you just say about me you fu-" He paused after he pushed the final person out of the way only to see Jason standing there with his arms crossed "You got a problem, buddy?" He joked, grinning down at Dean who only rolled his eyes "You lookin' to get your ass kicked today? Because I can definitely oblige" Jason only laughed at that "I'd love to see you try pipsqueak... But, more importantly... Let's get our groceries home before we fight, I'm not going back in there again" Dean nodded "Yeah, good point... Let's go" And with that being said, Dean and Jason finally headed on home to put the groceries away, they will probably most certainly fight afterwards but nothing actually serious of course. (got no better way to end that bc im not doing a fight scene rn) 2: Imagine the big, bright smile on Jason's face when Dean finally says ‘I love you’ for the first time. (prompt number two babey) Dean had told Jason he was going to go out for awhile, to keep watch of the place while he was gone which Jason didn't mind doing, he really didn't feel like dealing with people today, which luckily for Dean that makes his plan much more easier... He went out to an area only he really knew about, its a place he never told Jason about... He was going to forge the other a new weapon, a hook and chain something that isn't usually common... It'd be the perfect gift to build this up considering he knew Jason really loved unique weapons and he really needed more time for what he wanted to say, for once he wasn't feeling as confident as he usually was, this always occurred when he wanted to just go for it and tell Jason how he REALLY feels about him. Dean took a deep breath at the thoughts, the fear of how he thought Jason would react is what scared him the most, he knows its just his mind overthinking things but... He can't shake the feeling of Jason either not feeling the same or worse... He'll make fun of him even for... Having these emotions, either way... He was going to try and admit to it today, he just shook his head and tried to ignore the bad thoughts as he began to forge Jason's new weapon, he was lucky that Jason didn't know he could also forge and make weapons, Jason was the one who collected random stuff and turned into weapons, he still remembers the day Jason gave him the handcrafted weapons he had made and admittedly that had brought a smile to Dean's face, he loved how creative Jason could be, some of the stuff he's brought in before Dean didn't even think it COULD be made into a weapon but somehow the other made it work. After a long and exhausting while of forging, he wiped the sweat from his forehead and took a deep breath, it was complete... "Hopefully he likes it..." Dean muttered to himself, testing the hook and making sure the chain it was attached to wouldn't snap or nothing went wrong with it, once he made sure it was sturdy and strong enough he had grabbed the wrapping paper he brought with him and placed it into a large box, he then proceeded to wrap it up rather... poorly but listen, Dean can only do SO much... He's not good at EVERYTHING, once it was wrapped up enough to him, he turned and headed back to their 'house', his nervousness was starting to become more intense with each step he took... After awhile he had finally made it back and crept inside, noticing Jason was nowhere in sight so he must've been in his little area for the evening... Dean took a deep breath, his heart was racing as he called out "Yo! Jason! Can you uh, c'mere a sec?" He hid the box behind his box and his heart had almost sank when Jason came out of the darkness and then the other was standing right in front of him, arms crossed as usual "What do you want?" He didn't sound irritated or as if he were in a bad mood right now so that was a good sign... Dean however was not doing so well right now, his heart was pounding in his chest and he was obviously nervous "I uh... Um... W-Well..." He mentally cursed himself for stuttering and making it more obvious than he needed too, meanwhile Jason merely rose a brow "...Well? Spit it out already..." Dean shook his head and scoffed "G-Give me a minute! Th...This... isn't... is... um... uhhh.. isn't easy!" This made Jason fall silent and he was now waiting patiently, he even uncrossed his arms, he seemed... Interested as to what Dean was going to say. Dean was beginning to shake and panic internally, he took a deep shaky breath and pulled the box from behind himself "U-Uhh... here.... I... I made ya something..." He quickly shoved the box into Jason's arms and turned away, he couldn't do it... He just couldn't... Jason looked confused as he glanced down at the box and opened it up, his eyes widened as he grabbed what was inside, the chain clanking against itself, he looked over the chain itself and then the long sharp hook that was attached to it, he felt the tip and winced at how sharp it was, it had actually drawn a bit of blood from his finger even! He looked up at Dean "...You...? Made this...? Yourself?" He was... absolutely shocked, he had no idea Dean could make stuff like this... Watching as the other nodded "Yeah, uh... hope you like it..." He was about to walk away before he stopped dead in his tracks, he sighed... No... No, he would NOT do this again... He would NOT let his fear destroy another opportunity... He turned around and walked back up to Jason "No, that's not all... I'm... Jason... I.... I-I've... I've got... to tell you something...!" Jason fell silent and placed the hook back inside the box and set it to the side, he then stared down at Dean and waited for him to speak, he was... Somewhat hopeful this was going to be what he thinks it was... He knew his hope was probably false but, still... Maybe... Just maybe... Dean proceeded to jump in place and wiggle his arms around and even clench his hands into fists occasionally "Fuckin' hell why is this so hard?!" He shouted, mostly at himself, rubbing at his face with his hands, he was becoming angry with himself, why couldn't he just do it?! Why couldn't he just say it?! He looked up at Jason, the other still said nothing and just waited for him to speak... He's taken so many deep breaths and now he's taking another one "...Jason... I.... I'm.... I uh... umm... I lo... looo..." His heart pounded louder than it did before, he then shouted it out really quickly "ILOVEYOU!!" Dean squeezed his eyes shut and waited for the worst outcome to befall him, he waited... and waited... and waited... But there was just silence in place, he slowly opened his eyes but he didn't look up at Jason, he couldn't look at the other's expression... He was afraid of what he'd find until he heard Jason speak up, his tone becoming softer, well... As soft as a voice like his could be "...Dean... Look at me..." Dean took yet another deep breath and slowly shifted his gaze up to meet Jason's, he was shocked at the other's expression... It looked... Softer, loving even... "...You have no idea..." He paused, before smiling "How long I've waited to hear you say that..." And now Dean was REALLY shocked, he didn't expect that in the slightest "Yo...You aren't... like, upset or angry at me or anything?" Jason shook his head "Angry? Why the hell would I be angry for you loving me? Truth be told... I've felt the same way for so long... I was... You know me, I'm not afraid of anything but I was... Always afraid of you finding out and making fun of me for like, being gay..." Dean's eyes widened before he shook his head and grinned, tears were in his eyes now... "Nah man, We both know I'm an asshole for sure... but I'm not THAT type of asshole, so wait... Y-You... You feel the same...?" Jason immediately scooped Dean up and chuckled, he also had tears in his eyes right now "Yes, yes I do... and thank you for the weapon... I love it, and I damn sure love you..." Jason immediately pressed his lips against Dean's, giving him a nice little smooch which made Dean blush intensely, the moment Jason pulled away he noticed this and laughed "You're blushing~!" Dean then scowled and gave the other a swift punch to the arm "S-Shut the fuck up! ....Wait..." He had finally noticed and cheekily grinned at Jason "You're also blushing too ya smartass!" The other merely grumbled and rolled his eyes "Whatever..." He couldn't hide the smile on his face "...I'm glad you feel this way... I'm glad we... both finally... admitted it... This is.... the happiest day of my life..." Dean couldn't help but smile, he gave him another smooch, this time on the cheek "Same here babe... Same here..." (two gay punks finally admit love for each other! y o w i e w o w i e! ...im sorry for using that quote- but onto the final prompt) Horror movie night with the lads! Dean sighed and slumped down on the couch "Jason, I'm fuckin' bored...! There's nothing on TV!" He exclaimed, which led to Jason standing up from his spot and walking over to one of the shelves, he quietly skimmed through it until he pulled out a certain movie "Let's watch this..." Dean looked over at the movie Jason had in his hands... It was See No Evil... Dean rose a brow "...Never seen that one before? What's it about?" Jason shrugged "The plot and backstory is a bit... Plain but honestly, the gore is pretty good... Think you can handle it hotshot?" Dean only laughed "Pah! Are you kiddin'?! It's just a silly movie, I can handle ANYTHING!" Jason scoffed "We'll see about that..." He popped the dvd into the player and then immediately set back down on the couch, it was a good night for a horror movie night anyways... It was quiet as could be, pitch black out and there was even some thunder on occasion. (listen... I k n o w- that horror movie isnt very good to many people but hey... I love it and want to reference it so shh- also it kinda fits for reasons being Dean gave Jason a hook as a present so just shsh-) Once the killer came on screen, Dean actually looked surprised "Damn... A pretty tall dude that one is..." Just then, he watched as the killer sank his hook into one of the victim's leg and this made Dean whistle "W o w... Pretty interesting weapon, don't see a hook used TOO often..." Jason nodded "Yeah..." He glanced over at the other, noticing he wasn't terrified or even scared in the slightest yet, if anything he looked excited for the gore... After awhile and halfway through the movie, Jason had gotten a great idea... He smirked for a moment before getting up "I'll be right back, gotta use the bathroom..." He then walked off, leaving Dean alone for a good bit... He walked into his room and grabbed his own hook and chain, he wanted to test something... He didn't know if this would scare Dean or not but he was somewhat hopeful that would be the case. Jason slowly crept out of his room and stood a good bit back from the couch, he'd have to make sure NOT to hook the couch, he didn't want to tear it anymore than it already was... He stood there for a few moments and then he threw it, right beside Dean, upon hearing the loud clank Dean yelped and jumped back, which led to him falling off the couch, he then noticed Jason holding the chain and snarled "You fuckin' asshole! What the FUCK?!" Jason couldn't help but laugh at this situation "Oh man... You look like you saw a ghost...!" He continued to laugh and then he pulled his chain back and grabbed it, he then walked over towards Dean who immediately tackled him onto the couch and began throwing (fake) punches to which Jason only chuckled at that and placed his hook against Dean's back "You wouldn't last five seconds in a horror movie if this is what you're going to do... I think you forgot... About my weapon" He gave Dean a little poke with the sharp end of the hook, he noticed Dean only grinned at that however "Oh... You're gonna get it... I'm GONNA get you back... Shoulda never given that stupid hook to you, knew you'd pull some bullshit with it!" Jason sneered and chuckled "I'd love to see you try..." Dean only gave him a final 'punch' and scoffed "When you least expect it big boy... Is when I'll strike..." Oh yes... Dean would get him back, he'd just wait until Jason never expected it... (aint got a better way to end this either but bam, three prompts donezo! Next up for story wise is gonna be a full length one and not "quick fire prompts" its gonna be a werewolf au in fact with these two lads, which should be fun to plan out but here's some quick fire prompts and some references to a movie I really love even if it isnt the best plot/backstory-wise)