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nothingnessthots · 6 years

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Amazing

I loved everything about today. for my first time ever tripping i wouldnt have wanted to do it with anyone other than the one and only Sydney, I felt everything i was looking at and there were moments when all i could decipher was the ground pulsating underneath my body as i sprawled in the forest of hoover. Everything was so real and living and it really made me realize that everything else literally doesnt matter. my friends are so amazing and made sure i didnt die and i dont think its because they wanted to or had to but its because they wanted me to be alive and you know thats why were all here. my friends are all so supportive and amazing i couldnt ask for anyone better. MGMT WHEN YOU DIE. all i know. is that acid is amazing. we went out there. WE WERE SO NOT READY CJNDJNDJK WE LITERALLY HAD NO WATER OR PHONES WE COULDA PASSED OUT BUT WE MADE IT. Mother earth herself granted us with Water. im so grateful for this beautiful place we live on. literally i was sitting on a piece of the world with my best friend for hours. watching the water come out of the dam looking like a whole ass daisy blooming in slow motion in front of my eyes but in reality it was moving so fast and it wasnt a flower but water fucking flowing. the water sounded like kali uchis voice. soothing and almost spiritual.i wish i could still see everything moving. -see you again tyler the creator- can i get a kissssssssss - back to the water, i def cried looking at it. we cried a lot. it felt beautiful. “is it raining or are these tears?” we literally wouldnt stop crying and thinking it was raining and now that i think of it i really wish it rained but we can save that for another time. our trip was so random but expected ya know. i asked sydney if she wanted to trip because i was thinking about buying some and it just HAPPENED. SYDNEY IS THAT BITCH. i really needed this trip day so i can relax and say fuck everything!!! you already know i got home though (after being gone for an entire fucking week in florida) threw all my shit into the washer and got all my goodies cleaned so i can be cutie again. then tripped. lmao we love a responsible queen. im currently listening to music and writing this. having such a fun time at 3:05 in the morning and i got home at 1:30. i bet you if i text sydney she would still be awake right now. i have terrible lock jaw but thats honestly it man. this is what im listening to right fucking now. i dont know whos going to read this. but if you are. i love you. i need you so. this song is adorable i just started typing it out lmao i feel like i need to sleep soon but i have so many things flowing through my mind i sort of want to play around on tumblr. all i want to say is thank you. we are more than amazing and the thots and nothingness that are coming out of my brain right now only make sense to me and thats okay. life. is. amazing, ohio really isnt too bad. it gave me the exact trip i was wanting my whole life. rolling around in a field in barely any clothing looking up at the sky watching the clouds turn into faces and look as if they are going to fall out of the sky onto me in a big embrace. i wanted to hug the earth, i hugged carlo in those moments. FLASH FORWARD to when we were in a car. im telling you me and syd shouldnt have been un super vised but we made it home safe and im going to add those videos onto here sometime. i took a lot of cool videos and i wish i had sydneys camera so i could mess around with all the footage and make something. i definitely need to go somewhere i can submerge my body into a perfectly warm form of water next time. the beach was fucking amazing last week too like i feel like i didnt get to experience it with anyone but lex. I started crying at one point in the trip because lex was not there. i cant believe my bff is out in florida doing what i did a year ago in california like that was a real life trip. i felt like even though me and lex are so far apart we still got each other and thats what its all about. next time i trip it will be with lex and we will cry and hug so much. im crying typing this right now. thinking about my best friend and how i love him with every piece of my HEART. thats how i feel about cheerleading too. YO I DID A BACK FLIP ON ACID BTW FUCK WITH ME BITCHES WE GOT IT ON TAPE AND THAT JUST SHOWS I WILL FOREVER BE ABLE TO FLIP MY BODY. im going to continue doing it forever. omgggggg midway through my trip STEPHANIE TEXTED ME and asked me to go to the gym TO TEACH A CLASS!!!!!!! i said no so fast. i almost freaked out and told her i was on acid but that would have ruined my vibe so thank god i didnt. but who else would that happen to. literally just me. i felt like i was in that episode of broad city where they eat shrooms and had to go to her bosses work to deliver her macaroons. this so throughout this piece i have been adding random songs that have begun playing on my youtube that have distracted but also helped me throughout this process. im shocked at how i did not get horny throughout my trip. ive been so sexuallly frustrated for no reason at all. i dont need to be frustrated over something like that and literally everyone was on their periods so women rule anyways!!! women are just as great as men and we can reproduce a fucking child in my stomach which is awesome but like why would anyone need that right now you know. basically what im saying is i got my period and we are working well. we as in me and my body. i had a very disassociating trip in my opinion. i felt as if i was just a soul settling in the warmth and comfort of my body. i felt as if i could step out of my body and observe it. i always want to feel the way i did as i was looking at everything. to conclude my flow of thoughts and nothingness i will leave you with this, you are amazing and alive and know that i am sending every possible positive force i have in myself to you. goodnight.

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mentalrubikzcube-blog · 7 years

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Confront Yourself Ch. 2

Chapter 2 We arrived at the hospital and I was rushed inside. I only caught a few images of what was going on because my eyes were still very strained and sore. My head was also still trying to work up the strength to make sense of all of this. Daya stayec at my side. She was alwats there for me. I even saw Spitz there. Daya threw him out. Apparently there was a bit more to the story. Daya woukd later on confide in me that Spitz originally was gonna bring me to the hospital in his car and as he was "helping" me in he got rather "handsy". Daya had been looking for me and checked if I was smoking, which was the go to spot if I'm not waitressing. She saw Spitz and called the police and 911. I was completely unconcious the whole time and dont remember the assault or the fainting. It had to be from lack of sleep. Once the nicotine hit my sytem combined with Spitz's rage, I guess it was too much and I collapsed. I cant belive, well actually I can, but still. How could you take advantage of your employmee? Who am I kidding, its Connor Spitzman were talking about. Scoundrel extrordinare. After sometime in the ICU, I was aloud to go home and told to get rest and take a week off work. Daya stressed to the nurse that she would make sure I made a full recovery. She definitely would hold hold up her end of the bargin. She took me home and tucked me into bed. Very little was said. We both knew that I needed to just rest. What was there to talk sbout anyway, it had been a traumatic day for us both. She needed rest just like I did. When I suggested she stay the night she about cried. Daya was one of the few who knew that extending an invitation like that wasnt common for me. She thanked me and got the couch ready for her to sleep later. After a wonderful dinner of chicken cordon bleu and golden potatoes we both headed to bed. I fell back into my deep space sleep. It felt good to let go and finally recharge. As I lay there, I Kofeel tears roll down my cheeks. Why am I crying? I thought to myself. I wiped them away and fell again into my comatose sleep. Numb. Black. Perfect. Serene. Gone too quick. Before I knew it Daya had brought me breakfast in bed. Waffles, eeggs, bacon, mixed berries, orange juice, even a side of cinnamon butter, and finally a little vase with wildflowers. The works. "Wow, thanks D." I was so grateful to gave someone who cared about me so much. She smiled and headed out of the room. Returning with my Firefly mug filled with rich Columbine coffee. "Three packs of sugar and just enough cream to coat your throught so you can drink more, right?" Daya chuckled I smiled. She knew me so well. Now before you getbthe wrong idea. No, she is not my girlfriend. She is however my best friend and I would literally die without her. She keeps me grounded and I do my best to do the same for her. After breakfast, coffee, and a morning smoke I wanna get out and go for a walk. If I'm gonna be on sick leave then I atleast wanna get some fresh air and get outside. That's the best way to feel better if youre system is upset. I tried to go for walks whenever I need to clear my head or just feel better in general. As I was getting ready Daya was in my ear telling me about how what if I fainted again and that I needed to be careful, I assured her I would be and she finally relented and let me go on my walk. I walked up the street and around a few corners. I passed pretty neighborhoods and not so pretty ones. I finally came upon a small strip mall. I wondered along the siewalk gazing st the colorful and vast stores that were included by one another. Matress store. Carribean dining. Hat repair place. Subway. I kept walking and then I saw a shop worth looking into, it was called Miss Lovely Lovely's Curio Cabinet. From the outside it looked like a vintage bookstore. I opened the door and it triggered a little bell. A lady emerged from a chair and greeted me warming then the sun after a long frost, "Hello traveler, may I offer you some Egyptian cinnamon tea?" She was a very sweet old lady. She had long almost transparent white hair and her eyes were an emerald green. Very shiny and flawless. "No thank you." I repiled. I looked around the shop in amazement. There were so many things. Clothes, books, toys, trinkets galore, and so much more. "Look around dear and let me know if you need anything." She said sitting back down. I did just that. This place was fasicinating. Vintage and modern stuff mingled together. It was beautiful and kept blinking thinking it was a dream. How have I not been here before? I ask myself. After looking at the jewlery and clothes, I gravitate to the books. After looking throught many titles I was compelled to ask her if she had a book that could help me sleep. That space sleep was temporary and I know it. "Ma'am, do have anything about insomnia?" She smiledcat my request. She disappered to the back and reappeared with a small brown leather bound book without a name. "I was hoping you would have come sooner, Reylnn Yorfath." Shd said my name, How did she know my name? I pondered in horror "Wwww-ho arrrrre you?" I stuttered "Miss Lovely Lovely of course." She chuckled "I go by many names, but that isnt important, you need this book to fix what you have broken." I didnt know what to do, so I accepted the book with no name and looked it over. It was rather tiny snd the pages were stained from the years. It also had a vintage air about it. Flipping through I saw that many of the paragraphs had multiple sentences underlined. It was very intriguing. I still didnt understsnd how she knew my name, but I wanted that book. "Hhhhh-ow much?" I asked, sounding like an idiot "No dear, this is a gift, before you can be at peace you must confront yourself." She said lovingly "Thank you." I said quietly tucking the book into my purse, I slowly made my way out of the store still amazed and looking around. Once outside I immediately light a cigarette. What just happened? I asked myself I began to make my way back to the house before Daya got worried. When I got to the front door, I looked in the window and saw Daya was sitting on the couch reading a book. I love the way her hair shimmers in the sun. To be honest I might have a slight crush on Daya, but I would never tell her. It woukd ruin our friendship. Anyway, I make my way inside and greeted her. She immediately started into how far I walkdd and if I took breaks as to not get too tired and pass out again. "Yes, Mom, I made sure to be careful." I teased her, she got a little frustrated but eventually laughed it off. I set my things down and told her about the little shop. She had never hesrd of it before. Weirdly, she checked the internet for it but there was nothing as if it didnt even exsist. Then Daya became a litte worried and asked me, "Are you sure you went there? Maybe your head is messing with you. I told you, you needed more rest." Daya huffed and looked at me concerned. I had left out the part about the book thinking she would freak out, I was even happier now I hadnt. I knew what I saw. It was real. Everything happened just like that. But then I began to question. Had I really gone there? Theres nominternet listing and my mind has been being weird lately. I swore it really happened thought. It seemed so real. Thoughts swirled around my head and I knew I had to see if I had the book. But I didnt want Daya to see and ask me about it. She woukd think I was crazy. I said rather shyly, "Well, I'm gonna go get some rest then. I guess my head is just still messed up. Anyway thanks Daya." Then I slipped away to my room with my purse. Once insixe inside I closed the door and locked it. I put the purse on the bed and stuck my hand inside. I felt my wallet, perfume, sunglasses, smokes, lighter, and other odds and ends. Where was the book? Had I really imagined all of that? I began to think to myself. Suddenly I panicked and thought once more, Am I going crazy? Did I hit my head harder then I thought? Is this insomnia eating away at my memory and thought patterns? I started to shake a bit, but I looked once more in my purse. Wallet, keys, sunglasses, BOOK! It was there. How had I skipped it the first time? Or was my mind just playing tricks on me again? I didnt know. All I knew was that I had the book and now I could finally cure my insomnia. I sat on the bed and began to read. I was shocked by how accurate and headon this stuff was. Before I knew it Daya was knocking on my door for dinner. I stashed the book under my pillow. Because for whatever reason I didnt wanna spark her curiosity. I wanted this treasure all to myself. I unlocked the door and met Daya in the living room. Waiting for me was shrimp and rigatoni. It smelled amazing. I couldnt wait to dive in. Daya gave me the pills the doctor perscribed and we ate. After a great meal and equally great converstaion we both agreed it was time for bed. "You need anything?" Daya asked as I was brushing my teeth. I shook my head. We echanged goodnights and she shut of the lights. I slid into my room, anxious to see what else the book said. Already it had me addicted. I was somewhat experiencing withdrawl when at dinner. Which I thin was more guilt then anything. I wanted to tell Daya, I really did, but I knew she wouldnt understand. So I would keep it to myself until I knew for sure it cured me of this insanity which I was desperately on the brink of. I read to myself, "Life is defined as the state or quality that distinguishes living beings from dead ones and from inorganic matter, characterized chiefly by metabolism, growth, and the ability to reproduce and respond to stimuli. The period between birth and death. But to Live means something else entirely. Live is defined as to remain alive, be alive, to exsist in a specified way. We all are given Life, but seldom do any of us Live. We need to live. Be alive and go out and enjoy the world. Get out of our comfort zones. Aid our fellow man and conquer the earth the way The Creator intended. For out Creator is Life and we only Live through Him. For the wages of sin are death, but the Gift of our Creator is Eternal Life through His Son. All you must do is believe." I shut the book and rolled my eyes, "Great, a religious book, but still how did she know I was gonna come in there, I mean Im sure she gives everyone the same book but how did she know my name?" I wondered to myself, I didnt know how to explain all of it, so I decided to try an sleep. I place the book on my nightstand, roll over, and pull the blanket up. Maybe I'd give the book another chance tomorrow, even for being a religious book it wasnt bad. I fade into a deep sleep and I'm standing in a meadow. The breeze is light and airy. I gaze around at the cloud filled blue sky and the crisp green grass benath me. Out of nowhere I hear a voice say, "Do not be afraid, whom I have chosen. For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry ground; I will pour out My Spirit on your offspring, and My blessing on your descendants. They will spring upnlike grass in a meadow, like poplar trees by flowing streams. I am the First and the Last. Apart from Me there is nothing. All who make idolsare nothing, and the things they treasure are worthless. Those who would speak up for them are blind; they are ignorant, to their own shame. No one stops to think, 'Is not this thing in my hand a lie?' Such a person feeds on ashes, a deluded heart misleads him, he cannot save himself. I have made you, you are My servant. I have swept away your offenses lime a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to Me, for I have redeemed you. Sing for joy, you heavens, for the Creator has done this. Shout aloud, you earth beneath. Burst into song, you mountains, you forests and all you trees, for the Creator has redeemed you, He displays His Glory before you. Be gratious and humble becore your Creator!" While the voice spoke everything around me was changing constantly. Before I knew it I was no long err in the meadow but up in space looking at earth from above. Just floating along in space with no problems. Then suddenly I was in the mountains looking down on the majesticness of the world down below. Then suddenly I was deep in the woods and the wind wooshed about creating a harmonious rhythm through the branches and the leaves. I was amazed by everything I saw. Out of nowhere there was a flash of lightning and booming of thunder. I instinctively dropped down out of fright. I heard the same voice one more and it spoked louder now, "I am the Alpha and Omega, The beginning and the end, there is nothing without Me. Nothing! Bow before your Creator you miserable creation." I got down on my knees and bowed, and in the blink of an eye I was back in my apartment in my bed like nothin happened. What just happened? I thought to myself. I fell back asleep after much tossing and turning, no crazy dreams this time. Just a deep deep deep sleep.

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myentirelifeismeaningless-blog · 7 years

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CHAPTER ONE When do you know that you are broken? I mean literally at a point where nothing anyone could do would fix things, would fix... You. I dont know why I am the way I am exactly but I know I have lived a far from normal life. I lost both my parents by the time I was 13. Thats where my story starts. Not because I want to emphasize the impact it had on me emotionally, mentally, or physically but because I honestly dont remember a lot before that time. Have you ever watched a movie while you were half asleep and fell asleep and the next day you remember bits and pieces but cant make sense of it? Well, that was my childhood. I guess I subconsciously blocked out a lot. Anyway... It was February 11th, 3 days before valentines day... I didnt come from a wealthy family so we couldnt always afford to do the fun stuff when it came down to school events and whatever.... This time was different. My mom was a diehard romantic, the kind that read those cheezy novels from the grocery store and the kind that would waltz around the living room with me and tell me how one day I would make someone the luckiest girl in the world. (You get an A for effort mom, not exactly the most accurate statement but it was a nice gesture.) Well, my heart fueled mother convinced my dad to let us get me a tux for the Valentines Day dance. I was excited. That actually doesnt do it justice, I was ecstatic. I had only been to one other dance at that point in my life and it was "5th quarter" some lame ass dance they did every friday after the football games. This one was different. I was in 6th grade, this was the biggest dance of the year for that grade, and Nikki (my first crush) was going, and she didnt have a date! (later she broke my heart by hooking up with one of my friends, moreless right in front of me. But that story is for another time...) Nikki was cute, extremely cute. She had straight blonde hair, was very petite, and was kinda shy. Ive always had a thing for shy girls, the intimacy that comes with them opening up about anything always made me feel sorta important I guess or loved or like I mattered, it made me feel something when I had gotten so used to nothing, ever. I had first period with her though, I wasnt popular or athletic or anything so I was entirely too nervous to say anything to her but I was going to make a move at the dance. I dont remember much about school that day but I remember waving at her in the hall and she gave me an amazing grin and blushed. I was restless with anticipation the rest of the day. My dad was out of town at the time. He drove a truck long distances to support two sisters, my mother, and myself and would been gone for over a week at times. My mom ("Mommy", yea I was a mommys boy) picked me up from school that day. We went home and spoke to my sister Lynsey briefly and then left for preperations, she was 3 years older than me and my family was pretty cool with the amount of trust they put into us so she had the house to her self until we were back. She didnt want to go because it wasnt important to her, I dont remember what she said but it broke my heart that she didnt care about the only real thing I had ever been genuinely interested in on top of the fact that it moreless downplayed my first romantic experience into something undesirable... I am truly grateful that my "little" big sister stayed home. We lived right off the only major higway that ran smack through the middle of the 4 cities in the area, just behind the local radio station, the tux rental shop was about 15 minutes away. My mom had already made arrangements for me to try on several of the more popular styles. (She was almost as excited as me... I may have told her about Nikki) She really was amazing, I was her only son and my Nana had told me about how my mother had wanted a little boy since she was playing with dolls as a girl. (I was her miracle and she dedicated her life to me, ... maybe a bit much as my sisters constantly accused me of being the favorite.) She was very chatty about the night on the ride there, motherly advice with girls and such... I was a bit embarrassed but I actually listened even though I was pretendinding to ignore her the whole time. I had to maintain what little sense of pride I had in at least being cooler than my parents... (Even though they were OG hippies and how TF did I compete with people that were so confident that they could smoke weed and fuck in the middle of a crowd...) She told me to be a gentleman and be nice to all girls but to make the obe I was interested in the center of my focus but not be so focused that I make her feel as if she was being watched. She explained that it was a difficult thing to master but she had confidence I was capable. She gave me a lot of other tips but my mind wandered as I stared out the window, my ruse was phasing to reality because adrenaline was kicking in more and more as the time passed. I eventually wasnt listening. This is the first time I have ever told anyone about this specific memory, it was kinda a personal keepsake but whats the point anymore... The last words I ever heard my mother actually speak in person were "Are you excited baby boy? I love seeing you like this!". Baby Boy was my mothers secret nickname for me. I didn't like being called a baby because I was the youngest and I was often excluded from things due to my age. She told me in confidence that being the youngest was a blessing because it meant that everyone else was there to teach me how to make things better than it was for them and that I would always be her baby boy. I still got mad when anyone else even mentioned the word baby in reference to me. It happened fast. It actually took me years to remember bits and pieces... Loud crunching noises. Grass. Mud. Bright lights and screeching. A large patch of grey leather. Red. A lot of red. Black. A man? Angel? Demon? "You're gonne be ok, we are going on a little ride. Have you ever flown before?" I couldnt speak. I could barely breathe. More black. I was unconscious for almost 2 months. We had been in an accident and as you have likely gathered my mom didnt make it. Someone had pulled out in front of us and in an attempt to avoid the accident she swerved to the left lane but there was another driver at the back left corner of our vehicle in her blind spot. She clipped them and it caused us to drive directly into the median. It was a large ditch. My beautiful, amazing, nothing to give but love mother died instantly on impact and I was crushed and mangled into a pile of broken bones and flesh. They told me I was "lucky". I did not feel lucky. I never have. It was another month after I woke up from the coma before they even told me anything. I was in intensive care, on more drugs than should ever be given to an 11 year old child, concussed, and had just been in a coma for weeks but I vividly remembering asking "Wheres Mommy?" when I woke up. My Dad had to leave the room and I didnt understand why at the time. I thought he didnt want to see me because I was damaged. I think this was the first time I ever actually felt lonely. The next week was a lot of laying in bed constantly being told not to move much and being fed morphine intravenously on the hour. Sometimes it would make me sleep, sometimes it would numb me a little but I still hurt a lot but my Dad stayed by my bed the entire time day and night and the "man" in me kept quiet to show him how tough I was. I hadnt been able to spend this much time with my dad in years. I loved it as much as I hated it. It was nearly a month before they told me about my Mom, after I was moved out of the ICU. I remember when my dad told me. He had someone stand outside and not let anyone in under any circumstance. I thought his instructions were odd but I still didnt understand. I screamed. It was a mixture of crying and screaming and sobbing. When my dad let me know about the accident and my mothers fate I thought I would literally die from the emotional pain. I had never had an emptiness like this before and it was devastating. My balance was thrown off. I actually felt like I was falling. My dad had to call in a nurse because I went into a panic attack, I suppose this is why they had kept it from me for so long. I didnt care what their reason was. I had been betrayed and lied to every day, every time I asked, every time I begged to see my mommy... This was the first time I remember feeling resentment, and it was towards the people I loved. Let me be clear, I understand their reasoning but look at things from the perspective of an 11 year old boy that had almost no friends except his mom. I was hurt by the ones closest to me. How do you live with that as one of your earliest memories? My new temporary home, Huntsville Childrens Hospital. The most polite hell one could ever ask for. Nearly a full year of pretending to be happy to see someone every time they came to remind me that I would never see my best friend, my mother again. A year of getting cut on, turned into a cyborg(I mean technically they screwed metal onto my body, so yeah... ), and various types of physical therapy before getting to go "home" (Im not sure if I can ever be at home again, not then not ever...). For real, I had to learn to walk again, more on that later though. In an instant and the few short months that followed my life was changed forever and I was thrown into experiences and emotions that no person should ever have to face. But I faced them, I had determination that was picked up off the old man but I had something else that few will understand. For those that do I am truly sorry, for whatever tragedy has befallen you it altered the very base foundation of your structure or so to speak it changed you completely and the person you were before is gone. Im talking about that trapped feeling like you are being held hostage by the world. You wake up, participate, dredge through life with no purpose, and prepare yourself to do the same again the next day. Because you have to. This feeling controls you and turns you into its slave. Everything loses meaning including relationships. I survived by dying. To be continued...

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