#bc i didn't want to put a load of effort into a game i didn't know I'd stick with

[lillybean730]

tell us more about the duality of kiwei. the public needs to know.

ok forewarning i may start rambling in this bc i have put a lot of thought into this guy and 90% isn't written down anywhere

ok came back to add a cut im so sorry for the unfiltered illness below im not going to edit it this is pure stream of consciousness

right so! for starters kiwei is for the most part very chill. a nice person, kind to children, helps old ladies cross the street etc etc. they also have so much goddamn grief and rage boiling inside begging for an outlet before they snap. (yes i do like the drk quest line how can you tell?)

they weren't always like that though, after the banquet and *especially* after haurchefaunt and ysayles deaths is really when this started building. see kiwei really gets stuck on the anger part of the stages of grief, and really doesn't start letting go until after they get compared to zenos. kiwei was really gunning to kill him after the massacre at the reach and hearing abt all the devastation he caused, and when zenos said "you want to rip my throat out huh buddy?" he was right. and that terrified and disgusted them. and getting called his friend? even worse

while all this turmoil was boiling within though, they really kept a vice grip on what did make them happy, namely their friends. alphinaud by that point was basically their little brother and alisaie was quickly joining the "honorary little sibling club", so they really tried to keep the mask from slipping to prevent those two from worrying. at this point they weren't all that close to the other scions actually, especially compared to how they become one big family by the end. anyway they also continued to be quite kind to strangers in an attempt to feel normal again, to try and find the joy of helping they got at the beginning of their travels. mixed results but hey they tried.

by shadowbringers the rage has died down a bit and mostly they're just tired. they feel like a living weapon and it doesn't help that many treat them like one too. when trying to sneak off to the tempest alone they genuinely didn't expect the scions to come with, given the inherent risk of standing next to a ticking time bomb. the events in the tempest are a huge turning point for kiweis emotional state. the kindness becomes less forced, friendships become deeper, and they (god forbid) occasionally express emotions to others outside of hitting things.

by endwalker theyre a lot calmer but that fear of doing harm just by the nature of being the warrior of light and being an impulsive person is really cranked up after the body snatching incident. and boy were they glad to finally kill zenos, he threatened their new family (and new happiness) for the last time.

basically, having this sort of impulse to hit people when they piss em off, the strength to kill gods, a deep desire to not hurt anyone, and the blood of hundreds on their hands makes for a contradictory sort of character

wow that became a stupid long discussion of their emotions let's talk design. kiwei is made of sharp lines and round curves. most of the spiky bits are "added" features let's say? sharp claws, scruffy hair, their facial tattoos, whatever weapon they have, and their little fang earrings. more basic features are round. their nose and face are round, and they prefer to wear soft fabrics instead of armor. there's a few outliers, scars in general to me are neither round nor sharp but that's up to personal views in design so i figured id mention it, and their little fangs bc kibby kat

even then there are softer sides to most spiky bits, their hair has braids (a tradition in their old family and honestly i will talk more abt that in a sec) and the claws also actually hold family meaning ok quick tangent

basically: the guy got disowned for "betraying the family by becoming an adventurer instead of the next matriarch". despite that, they still uphold a lot of family traditions. the braids are something their siblings did growing up, the bone carved jewelry is a family tradition (which im not talking abt here bc this is long enough im so sorry), and the sharp claws.

now: the timeline of claws works like this

ages 1-17ish: normal nails

(for women) ~17-before firstborn: allowed to grow out claws as a sign of being able to fight for oneself

after firstborn: cut those claws bc you might scratch ur baby

men do whatever you aren't there grow em out cut em who give a shit

so in the culture being an adult is signified by claws, but it's also a sign of immaturity. being an adult with nails means a position of authority and care over your family. it's sort of accepted that the mother's dont need to rely on claws to protect their kids.

how this applies to kiwei is up until shb kiwei had claws, but after some incidents where reaching out to touch someone (esp on the face) caused them to flinch they used their background in arcanima to help. they have painted sigils on their nails that project the image of claws without them actually being physical. by adjusting the flow of aether they can either become corporeal or disappear entirely. this occupies a weird space of maturity and immaturity, violence and comfort

a duality in other words

tldr: the cat is a little beast who is trying so hard to be kind despite the world seeming to be trying to make them a violent monster. kindness in the face of your own anger

honestly that tldr is all you need and im not sure i articulated this right

[astroismypassion]

hi!! i've got: (his) mars, pluto in my 1st house & his mars square my moon. his mars trine my sun. his mars conjunct my pluto. just lots of heavy aspects including his mercury/venus conjunct my chiron. i wasn't automatically attracted to him when we met but i knew he was exclusively focusing on me cos we meet at a bar where i was w my group of friends. he eventually (and by eventually i mean like a day later) made a move, flirted a bit heavy, and def had my interest more solidly. we flirted loads for like 2 weeks and there was HEAVYYYYYY sexual tension. i could TELL he could notice me when i'd walk into a room w our mutuals bc i could see him looking at me from my peripheral vision??? and at first i didn't reciprocate the same attention but eventually thru out the 2 weeks it developed more n more. some of our mutuals told us they could feel like he had some sort of "anger" towards me? and he was like "no no there's no anger" (I'm assuming its the constant playful bickering they took as "anger") so i think it was rlly obvious. n NOW.. after all this !!! this man is acting uninterested lol. like... approaching me less? i don't feel as "seen" as i'd felt before and I'm not sure what it is exactly cus like..what lol. we talk less and we meet less and it just feelslike I FEEL MORE now. and he seems like he feels nothing ? like nothing sexual even happened bw us but like what this is so confusing????

Hi,

I understand you, why you are frustrated now with how things are turning out right now. Your feelings are valid.

I do feel though that this was bound to happen. Obviously the man is more direct than you are, so he probably got fed up and isn't into mind games, but wants honest, straight-forward approach. You were playing the game of "who would care less" just so that you are not the person who would care more than the other person does.

With that Mars, Pluto in your 1st house makes sense that this person already knew what they wanted, desired, wished for from the get go. So this energy is usually straight-forward, but also short-term. So they knew what they desired quickly, but won't put in effort for a long time, if nothing reciprocal happens, they just withdraw and let it be.

Definitely both of you need to manage expectations as well. I feels like this person expected something, but you as well, yet you were unclear about it.

I almost feel you feel confused now with how the situation turned out, because you yourself were confusing this person with your actions for too long.

[thegeminisage]

doing a dog sidequest in zelda and i STILL cant pet them. got the ember trousers tho!!! i bet the whole outfit rules i cant wait to see it

wait wait these guys found a bottle...dont tell me its another gerudo love letter lol

oooh clues to the fierce deity armor...i found some already but that's COOL. and i gotta come back to get the sword even tho i snagged it with amiibo already lol

i've decided to clean up some shrines i've neglected to do...i promised myself i'd do more story but i never have TIME to sit down and enjoy it!!

this shrine by snowfield stable was absolutely delightful. 10/10. it feels like such a proper zelda dungeon

omg lol the well here is frozen

FAIRIES........man thats so cool. the way their light works in this game is absolutely stunningly beautiful. i wish they came in different colors like oot

always gotta grab a few seeds wherever i am but now it's time for A Different Shrine

i've got maybe 6-7 shrines i activated but did not do, and 2 shrines i did do but didn't get the chest at.....in hebra lol that was early game bs. "oh i want to have fun now i'll get the chests later" the literal devil talking smh

GOT MY LAST STAMINA WHEEL........taking a break 4 now but man am i ever stoked!!! my "being is overflowed with vigor" apparently. nice.

omg i never realized it but yunobo got added to the goron city statue!!

daruk looks like he's dabbing lol (i'm taking a pic of it for a sidequest)

death mountain intimidates me so i'm biting the bullet and heading to lanayru - i'm working my way from hateno up around the south/east side of the mountain. and i guess from there gradually towards kakariko, although i'm saving the ones in kakariko proper for later

IT'S NAYDRA HEY GIRL

good lord that horn went all the way back down to the ocean lol

omg my map says there's a letter in a bottle here...i see it now, but i can't believe i didn't see it when i was getting korok seeds before

i cheated and i know where the cave is, so i'm not gonna follow the brightbloom seeds. i'm going that way anyway on my korok journey and i don't want to do it twice in a row. koroks robbed me of doign this quest organically!! oh well. it's my own fault for looking at "user contributed" on the map lol

dragging my bike around in this cave with me bc my supplies are so desperately low lol. idw it to respawn i JUST made it

oh........................i don't know if i can get it back out lol

i did it!! it would have been less trouble to make a new bike which sort of defeats the purpose but whatever

mapla point, my old enemy...when i had 899 seeds in botw, here was the missing one

i can see the brightbloom seed trail from here! it's quite beautiful actually, especially at night. the reflections on the dark water..........

i wish i could shoot arrows while riding the bike/any vehicle. that would fucking rule

if theres one thing i do like about koroks its how the boulder rolling puzzles from botw became these put the boulder OUT of the hole into the tree puzzles. really good subversion since rolling boulders into holes is now completely doable with ultrahand without any effort or thinking at all. and thank god for that frankly.

i thot maybe this cave guy would turn out to be a yiga but he was legit lol good for him

ok, before i tackle lanayru proper i need more FANS........always out of mf supplies around here smh

the gacha i use for fans also gives out portable pots and flame emitters, at what feels like a higher rate...i don't use flame emitters often but it's nice to know there will never come a time when i'm not able to cook lol

49 fans, but only 9 steering sticks! if only there was a gacha that gave out nothing BUT fans and steering sticks...bc soon i'll have to go load up on THOSE

kinda good that i need fan refills so often tho bc from there i go straight down to this construct camp and then into the mining cave to trade zonaite for crystalized charges AND there's zonaite mining in there...a good thing to do regularly. i don't have as many problems finding zonaite as i do with that middle step of trading it for crystalized charges lol. i kind of wish they hadn't added that in there

ugh, off to lanayru we go.

it's fine. i have snowboots now, and so many fire arrows

WAIT DROP EVERYTHING STAR PIECE

lmao. warp into lanayru warp out of lanayru

oh my god i left at 2:55am i can't BELIEVE i made it in time. thank you, bike. thank you, dark link armor

ugh. ok. back to. lanayru

first stop of COURSE back to the wisdom spring. girl i finally have that claw

done. one down two to go........i have the claws i just never wind up at the springs lol. i never want to go near the quarry again <3

AWWW addison is here shivering in the cold...he says he eats food to deal with the weather conditions but man!!! buddy!!!!!

love it when he gives me muddlebuds. king

accidentally dropped my bike off the side of the mountain lol. i used recall on it just in time but it went too far before i canceled and dropped into a lizalfos camp. life is so textured

spotted naydra coming out of her hole (and doing just fine). beautiful! sadly not chasing her at this time though rip in peace the mats i could have farmed

plotting my next few korok seeds and apparently there's not one but THREE sets of gloom hands near one of them (purifier lake). no fucking thank you i'm quitting before i get to that one. a problem for tomorrow me

maybe if i'm careful i can fly over them...? eugh there's a shrine near there too. why do they make certain areas scary in both games!! there was a lynel here in botw!!!!

oh it's zelda 🥺🥺🥺 she's so far away though, i can't go chasing her either...babygirl i miss you

ugh fine ok it's the next seed and i don't wanna quit yet...i'm just gonna fly over them. you have to be kinda close for them to spawn...hopefully it will be fine...

yea tho i walk through the shadow of death or whatever i fear no evil if i can fly the fuck over it

successful landing. no hands so far. if i don't move much while i solve this block puzzle. OF ALL THINGS. maybe it will be fine

I DID IT......

AND it looks like the shrine is underground. huge win for me

wow! and one long trip thru an underground road later here i am at the good old promenade. a great place to either start or fuck off from tomorrow <3

[jadenightthewriter]

Okay I know I'm sending these in all different rlly long asks which is probably a little annoying. HOWEVER. Sep and marcellus don't even rlly need to scheme bc a) marcias way less stubborn in this au than she is in canon. Like she's still super stubborn but if marcellus specifically brings an idea to her then she will genuinely consider it and also b) despite being 10 years younger than her, marcellus is Super strong from carrying around loads of gold all the time (and marcia. Lost a lot of weight in dn1) so whenever marcias. Neglecting her basic needs like food or sleep he can just pick her up and carry her to wherever she needs to be abdjfbfnfn. He doesn't do it in public tho he has Some respect for her dignity <3 also yeah their rooms r just. Full of random magyk/alchemy stuff like maybe marcellus has more alchemy when marcia has more magyk but honestly they use each others rooms to store stuff just as much as they use their own so it's all kind of mixed in.

AND YEAH UR SO RIGHT I have been making designs for them (+esmerelda) and I'm having a lot of fun I've given Marcia the curly toes. I think marcellus gets red python skin. I've got a baby marcellus design done and coloured that I put like. The smidgiest bit of effort (<-read:1 google search) into making period accurate as well as I could. But older marcellus is free game bc who knows what they dress like in the modern day castle it all seems a bit mad tbh

And. Yeah <33 septimus is having a better time in this au than in canon. Not that he was having a Bad time in canon especially (besides the horrors) but marcia in this au has some idea what she's doing (<-did frantic research on how to help traumatised kids when she first met marcellus) and marcellus also knows what he would've wanted to happen when he was in the same situation. So it's just. Nice?? Idk. Marcia has done this before and she knows at least some of the mistakes not to make again basically. Septimus is just happy and also kind of overwhelmed to have so many ppl care abt him

no it's ok lol, it helps me stop my brain from running too fast in too many directions

i meant more as in septimus wants a pet lizard or smth and they just trick her into thinking it was her idea lmao. but also it's So Nice to realize that in this au marcia has someone who's actually capable of making her take care of herself. in canon lots of people tried but they just didn't have the ability to actually Make Her. i feel like in thm the reason why she's doing pretty well and looking after herself is because she sort of had to after sep became eow and she was left to sort herself out.

marcia and marcellus absolutely do matching sibling outfits. they probably make sep join them <3 (the shoe guy terry or smth hates this whole family)

designs 👀👀 can i,,, see them,,,,, mayhaps

marcia and marcellus probably have lots of conversations about how to look after sep, and they probably cry a little bit about how marcellus only had marcia (which, i love her and marcellus loves her and she's super great, but also she was a singular traumatized person with 0 experience with children)

[harristops]

I get that Ash had a terrible game but y’all are making it seem like the world is ending because of it and she’s straight up human trash. It’s just a game at the end of the day. Calm down. Saying she doesn’t care about the team is just bashing at this point. It’s one game. I get she hasn’t been consistent and lots of comments right now are reactionary but some of the comments aren’t fair and too extreme. She’ll be the first one to be critical of herself for the game. I don’t get what the point is of feeding more into the hate she’ll both put on herself, and also be getting from everyone else. Y’all are doing too much.

I see your point and I agree the part about saying she doesn't care is reaching. But it's frustrating to watch a team that has potential squander it. Again not all of it is Ash's fault but she didn't try yesterday. In the other 3-0 games some of the goals she just stood there and watched them go in. I have been giving her the benefit of the doubt (sun in the eyes, screened by a player, poor defense) but the reality is she's consistent at not making an effort to try and save some of the goals that go in. I don't know if it's because she can't keep diving or jumping or falling bc of her body or if she's just declined with her reflexes. I don't think it's an overreaction, tbh. I think people are frustrated at her performance this season for several reasons and they have a right to be frustrated. Ash isn't putting the same time in as everyone else with training, but Scott also isn't managing her well load wise. And it's probably more frustrating to Gotham fans who watched Kailen and her backline enact a forcefield and have one of the best defenses in the league last year to watching this. People want their team to win and it doesn't matter who's on the pitch. Ash is better than this and it's not exaggerating, tbh. Yes some are more reactionary and upset than others, and I really do hope she bounces back because I want the best for her, but I can admit she's not having a great season at all.

[roundthatcorner]

"Something that didn't happen but did. But only for a minute" Can you elaborate on what you think this means?

(Okay,hopefully you are still here, anon (carpal tunnel = me reluctant totype much of anything, sadly, bc I need to save my loser hand for myjob…Gird your loins or w/e, this is long…and meandering…)

Ithink I stuck that in the tags of a post, but I was just paraphrasingPaul’s lyrics in ‘The Pound Is Sinking’, where he sings ‘hear me,lover/I can’t be held responsible now/for something that didn’thappen/I knew you for a minute/oh, it didn’t happen/no, only for aminute/your heart just wasn’t in it anymore’ (probably you knowthis, but just for background…).

So,just let me like riff on my interpretation a little, and don’t be toooffended if I get off track, it’s all related in my head:

Incomparison to the kind of nether-world of John and Paul’srelationship with each other, we can maybe look at theirrelationships with their (eventual) wives to see what wouldconstitute, at least in Paul’s mind, something that actually'happened’. No matter what we think DID happen between John and Paul,it was clearly never a 100% fully fledged relationship, right? Theynever got married, they never bought a house together, they nevermade each other breakfast every morning, they never adopted kids,etc. They never actually ran away together – at least not withoutcoming back. Paul wrote those lyrics after 10 years of marriage withLinda and 4 kids, and in comparison to that level of day in, day outcommitment, whatever John and Paul had is something that onlysemi-happened, or only happened for a minute (or happened in 'anotherlifetime’ or 'was I just dreaming or was it only yesterday?’).

Awhole range of possibilities exists for what their relationshipactually was (I have another ask that I am trying to formulate aresponse to that will be more along those lines), and so these lyricscan be interpreted a lot of different ways…but essentially…nomatter how far they went with each other, romantically or sexually, Idon’t think either of them ever got quite what they wanted out ofeach other, you know? Neither of them was ever fully satisfied by it– there was always SOMETHING in their relationship that was out ofreach – unattainable – whether because of their ownpersonalities, conflicting demands and desires, fame on a level noone could possibly understand (I mean…really…the ENORMOUSpsychological pressure on them is simply unfathomable and somethingwe should always try to have deep, deep empathy for), exteriorpressures, homophobia, the hard slog of being in a band together,jealousy, competition (!!), differing drug habits, etc.  

Like,I think we can get a pretty clear idea of WHAT John wanted out of arelationship by comparing his relationships with Paul and Yoko. Whydid John swap Paul for Yoko? Presumably because he was gettingsomething from Yoko, at least in the first couple of years of theirrelationship, that he COULD NOT get from Paul, or wouldn’t ask forfrom Paul, or couldn’t expect from Paul. Paul was never going to beat his beck-and-call 24/7; Paul was never going to go on about himbeing a genius without also expecting him to actually producegenius-level work; Paul was never going to BLOW UP everything theyhad built, their whole world, for John, on an impulse; he was nevergoing to tear the Beatles apart for John; he was never going todevolve into junkie-ism for John; he was never going to stop writinggreat songs because it made John jealous when he did; he was nevergoing to stop being the prince of swinging London because it madeJohn feel stultified in comparison; he was never going to…put hiscock on the front of an album, or mail back his MBE, or put on artshows that are designed solely to rile/exasperate/pull-one-over-onpeople (Paul’s art, in contrast, is almost always 'invitational’). IfJohn was into his 'great debunker’ mode in '68, Paul could not be hispartner in that – but Yoko could, since she never put in thefucking hard work of building their Empire (though she has happilyreaped, for decades, the benefits of what she helped destroy).

(Also– Paul could never stop being a man in order to bolster John’smasculinity, or to quiet his gay panic, or lessen his probablepost-Brian-dying existential crisis about what-the-fuck theirrelationship, or any gay relationship, could ever be. A best friendwho you can fuck but is also a woman (so it’s alright)? That’simpossible for Paul, he can only go two-for-three there.

Also,not unimportantly – for all John described Yoko as a genius, blahblah blah, she was NEVER EVER going to write a number one hit. Youknow? She was NEVER actually competition for him – he never wasgoing to look at her and be like, “Gosh, I like your songs on thisalbum better than mine…”, LOL. Yoko and his post-Beatles work wasa way of REMOVING himself from the game – how better to escape fromthe pressure of coming up with another Ticket to Ride than byproducing Life with the Lions, or whatever-the-fuck? He TALKED a shitload about his genius after the Beatles were over – but by thatpoint his genius (which was being the leader of a ROCK 'N’ ROLL BAND,btw, in case anyone (Yoko) ever forgets) was atrophying. The world will never love Yoko the way it loves John or Paul, which allows John to win that competition BY DEFAULT -- with no effort! -- while also getting to play a bit of a martyr vis-a-vis her and her treatment by the press/society/fans.

Also, Iwould compare what Paul was able to get from Linda to what he gotfrom John (it’s a valid comparison, obviously – Linda and John werevery different Libras), but doing so doesn’t quite make sense here,since Paul never actually made a choice between John and Linda. WhatPaul chose Linda over was dying – literally fucking dying – of abroken heart.)

So,having hashed out some dynamics or dysfunctions that were presumablypresent no matter what 'level’ their relationship went to, and whichpresumably drove them apart, you’re probably saying…what the fuck,dude? Because all of this is sort of putting the cart before thehorse, right? Since John’s impulse to do all of theseBeatle/Paul-ruining things, which necessitated 'Yoko boat’ ratherthan 'Paul boat’, had to come from somewhere…

Myactual shortened timeline-sort-of view of their relationship and myCONJECTURE on how it may have happened: sometime between 1964 ('If IFell’) and May 1968 they moved into a semi-stable phase of theirrelationship which is semi-explicitly romantic (the sexualinterplay/experimentation presumably far pre-dates this period, maybedating back to their first months together ('Baby Elvis’ – John wasphysically/sexually knocked-the-fuck-out by Paul from the start)), inaddition to being ten dozen other things. One or both of them mayharbor the notion at this point that some day – when the demands ofBeatlemania are done, when things are more settled, when they haveaged out of fucking around so much, when they buy an island, when thepress hounds them less, when homosexuality is more destigmatized inaddition to being decriminalized (1967 in Britain, which may playinto this) – they will be in a yet more stable, more exclusive &more serious relationship.

Atsome point it becomes clear to one or both of them that this is notgoing to happen: Brian dies which fucks everything up (nothingharshes a buzz like death, especially the death of one’s gay mentor, which may then precipitate a decisively un-gay turnaround), Paul gets engagedto Jane in a last ditch effort to save their relationship, and Pauland John as-a-couple fizzle out. Possibly it’s even amicable atfirst, like they’ve agreed to put it on hold because they acknowledgethat they can’t give each other what they want – which wouldexplain why Paul is so docile and accepting of the Yoko thing atfirst. Not only does he not think it will last (another of John’swhims – Chip Madinger puts the Two Virgins recording on the VERYSAME DAY that John announces that he is Jesus fucking Christ! (*)) andmaybe it’s actually in-line with what they’ve agreed to, but Paulalso doesn’t yet understand that John will at some point becomewilling to destroy the whole dang thing, all-or-nothing, 'if we can’tbe lovers we’ll never be friends’, etc.

Withouttheir being lovers, all the little resentments John has towards Paul– over leadership, talent, looks, personality, music, etc, that heis able to overlook when they’re fucking – boil over. If John’sperception becomes that Paul has managed to wrest the band away fromhim by sexually manipulating him (**), then that’s one more reason forhim to now try to assert his dominance – by foisting Yoko on all ofthem, which only drives home further how not-the-leader he is (in hisown mind), since if he WERE the leader, they would accept her(especially because he thinks she’s cool, and they generally thinkeverything he thinks is cool is cool!). Having Yoko nearby all thetime also conveniently keeps Paul-and-his-sexual-wiles away from Johnand gives him a continuous alternate sexual outlet. For John to’re-take’ the leadership position (which has always actually been aco-leadership, of course, since the moment John and Paul were theones wearing matching blazers while everyone else had plain shirts)would require that he start writing better songs than Paul – onlynow he’s too heroin-addled to effectively do so and he’s got writer’sblock something major, so instead he withdraws further into Yoko andheroin and non-communication. At the point where Paul is begging himon bended knee – writing Oh Darling for him and then repeatedlyTELLING him it’s for him – Paul is at his lowest point yet and he is STILL writing more songs than John andpretty soon he’s refusing to go along with Klein, too, which onlyfurthers the resentment. And especially if Paul’s love andprotectiveness towards the band partially caused him to put thebrakes on the relationship with John, what better way for John toessentially fuck with Paul and get all his latent heartbreak anddisappointment out than to leave Paul with nothing by destroying theband, too?

(*) John really seems to have experienced a BREAK with reality at this point, and it’s bizarre how rarely this is explicated in discussions of him finally getting together with Yoko. After years of compulsively drinking/drugging they go to India where, at least at the start of things, John is STONE COLD SOBER and meditating for hours on end – anyone’s psyche would be shaken up by this! And then Paul LEAVES – which, even if it wasn’t precipitated by any argument or whatever (I’m agnostic on this), had to be massively destabilizing for John because suddenly he has HOURS to ruminate on Paul and their relationship and what he is and isn’t getting from it, and he no longer has Paul actually physically there to ground him, both in reality generally and in his Paul-ness and how essentially lovable and fascinating and alluring John finds him and will always find him. 

(**)Paul may well have been the first guy that John was physically turnedon by – bisexuals supposedly realize their same-sex attractionslater than their opposite-sex ones and comparatively later than gaypeople do – but moreover Paul seems to have SET and embodied thepattern of John’s male attractions for the rest of his life. Not fornothing was John’s intended panty-dropper line to Tony Manarosupposedly 'you’re prettier than Paul’. Practically every rumor I’veever seen of John’s sexual encounters with males in his later yearsemphasizes that he liked PRETTY BOYS (and who’s the toppermost of thepretty boy heap?). So if John was conflicted about his attraction tomen, it makes sense that he might manage to blame that on Paul, too.

Hopefully this makes a slight bit of sense…at any point in there at all, lol. Feel free to ask me again if I didn’t quite hit the mark or if you want clarification. :)