#because - AGAIN - i know my safety will NEVER be guaranteed because i am trans and queer

[a-dragons-journal]

Hi! I was scrolling through the otherkin tag (as one does) and saw on an ask you answered that you hated DNIs and didn’t want to go into it on that ask. So I’m curious now- why do you hate DNIs? I don’t have a DNI, and I’m not out to try and change your mind. I’ve just never seen anyone say outright that they didn’t like DNIs, so I’d really like to hear your thoughts. Thanks!

I ended up indeed going into it later, because people kept sending in asks about it, so this tag exists now, but in summary:

- I don't necessarily hate the existence of DNIs, because they can be a useful tool in certain circumstances, but I hate that they're starting to become an expectation/requirement and that it's now considered "creepy/suspicious" in a growing number of communities to not have one. It should not be an obligation to basically list your political stances, discourse opinions, and triggers - you know, things you can be attacked for/people can use to hurt you - in any circumstance, least of all on the Internet where anyone can see it.

- For that matter, putting a list of things that can hurt you in public where anyone can see it and know exactly how to target you if they want to hurt/harass you is a bad idea, whether it's a social requirement or not. Full stop. Unless you are in a relatively small group where you know the intentions of the people there (and often not even then!), it is not a good idea to tell people how to effectively hurt you on the Internet.

- I hate it when people put "[x bigoted group] DNI" at the bottom of actual discussion-type content posts (as opposed to, like, aesthetics and stuff), such as people putting "TERFs DNI" at the bottom of posts about feminism, because a) if you're worried about your post appealing to that group, maybe you should reexamine your post's content, b) I've seen firsthand more than once that those groups, TERFs especially, will purposely put "[x] DNI" at the bottom of their crypto-rhetoric posts in order to turn people's critical thinking skills off and make them more likely to accept the crypto rhetoric (foot-in-the-door tactic), and c) even if it's not intentionally malicious like the last point, it still makes it so the OP's post is suddenly immune to criticism, because "hey this comes off a little transphobic" can be met with "how dare you call me a transphobe?? I said 'TERFs DNI' right there!!1!", which, again, has to do with the whole "turning people's critical thinking skills off" problem.

- On a similar note, I hate this recent trend toward performative activism and "racists/transphobes/homophobes/etc. DNI!1!" feels like another permutation of that; I don’t like people demanding/expecting me to announce all my political opinions right out the gate. It should be my decision whether or not I want to share sensitive information about myself (and if you’re scoffing at the idea of a political opinion being “sensitive information” - if it can get you, again, harassed and attacked by a complete stranger, it’s sensitive information).

- People seem to forget that people can, will, and do lie on their DNIs and bios. Predators will lie about being "under 18” in order to make minors they’re interacting with feel safe and let their guard down. TERFs will lie about “transphobes DNI!” to ensure their crypto rhetoric spreads and gets a foot in the door of trans-supporting people’s thought processes. All “it’s to let the people affected by [bigotry] know I’m safe,” which is something I hear sometimes, really means is that the bigot in question only has to put up a DNI to make the people they’re planning to target lower their guard. There is nothing guaranteeing that someone actually believes what their DNI implies they believe. It’s an illusion of safety that just doesn’t - and, really, can’t - exist on the internet, by the internet’s nature. And people thinking they’re safer than they really are is what gets people hurt because they stopped being careful. I’m not saying people need to (or should) live in fear, but relying on DNIs is not a sustainable solution, imho.

- I hate people using DNIs/BYFs as an alternative to blocklists because it often becomes essentially them forcing other people to curate their internet experience for them, and then getting mad (or hurt) when that doesn't work out for reasons that should be obvious. Especially when you take it to the extreme of trying to regulate anyone who reblogs your posts, which I have seen sometimes - you can't seriously expect people to check the OP of every single person whose post they reblog to make sure they agree with your opinions on fandom discourse; that's untenable and it can only lead to people getting hurt. You are the only person who is - and the only person who can be - responsible for your internet experience. Curate your own space.

- as a minor point, "standard DNI criteria" is becoming a popular phrase and it's frankly a useless phrase because there's no such thing. Beyond "racists/homophobes/transphobes" there's literally no telling what a given person includes in what's "standard" - pro- or anti-ship? SFW agereg/petreg blogs? DDLG? Steven Universe fans? inclusionists or exclusionists? There is no "standard." (But then, I feel like how common that phrase is becoming says something about exactly how performative and empty the trend of DNIs is as a whole at this point in time.)

- also as a minor point, I am frankly just not a fan of how often DNIs put things like "Steven Universe fan" and "neonazi" right next to each other like they're the same level of bad. I recognize consciously that this is not the intention, but it sure does come off that way sometimes. It reminds me a bit too much of those callout posts that have six pages about the person's bad opinions on anime or whatever and only then go "oh yeah and also they sexually abused, threatened, and sent their friends to harass a minor and we have screenshot evidence of all of that. anyway here's three more pages about why their art is bad because they drew a 16-year-old in a crop top one time".

And, let me be very clear here: I do not hate people who have DNIs, nor do I want to act like they're never useful. They are, sometimes! But I do feel they're being misused and they're starting to become an expectation and that's a huge problem, for the same reason that people trying to force everyone to put their age/basic personal information in their bios is a problem - it's a safety concern. I am honestly convinced that at this point, in most circumstances, DNIs are doing more harm than good.

If you want to use a DNI, that's up to you, and it's not like I'm gonna harass people about it ('s why I started that "dni critical" tag, so people could who don't want to read this stuff could avoid it) - but I want people to at least understand the risks they're taking depending on how they go about it. If it's useful to you, then good, I'm genuinely glad! It just concerns me how it's being treated by the larger Internet right now.

(And, of course, that's all just my personal subjective opinion - take what you like, leave what you don't. You're more than welcome to disagree with me; this is not a make-or-break argument for me, just one I have strong feelings about xD)

[carlyraejepstein]

potentially upsetting topics: sui, gender dysphoria, abuse and parents, sex

Elliot Page’s coming out rescued an awful day. Its wording is unbelievably powerful, a comment I have made once before and will continue to do so. In it, he so strongly encompasses the fears, the sorrow, the rage, but most importantly the determination and the defiance of not only him but every trans person. I hesitate to use the word “community” because it implies a certain connection that might just not be there; I play a bit of Counter-Strike but I don’t consider myself part of the Counter-Strike community; yet when I read Elliot’s words I feel solidarity, I feel a pull to the trans community that I often don’t feel I pay my dues to, and it feels good, really good. Like I said on Twitter once, other trans people being, existing, living, is just rad. Inspiring, even, despite how that word has been worn out by cis people.

However, there’s a certain something that Elliot didn’t write, for Elliot never wrote “I am a man”; only his name, and pronouns, how he wishes to be referred to. Of course, we cannot possibly know what this omission means or does not mean to Elliot, but it’s something that concurred with a shift in how I perceive my own gender.

I remember first properly ruminating on gender in 2012 or 2013. My understanding was primitive, coming from Wikipedia. Once I knew what transgender or, given the time period, transsexual, the curiosity never really went away. I knew at this point about transition, and I knew about deed polls because of my resentment of my parents, I knew about HRT and I even knew about the GICs. I felt compelled to be an ally in that turbulent period in both my life and in the online culture I immersed myself in from around 2015 to 2017. At this time a friend was going through their own transition and seeing them gave me pause for thought; partly pride, partly worry but a small kernel of imagination, wondering if that could ever be me. It was when I went to sixth form, with its environment permitting greater yet still constrained self expression, that I felt gender dysphoria hit me with its full weight. Thinking, wondering, worrying about being transgender has been the central dialogue of my internal and external monologue ever since. Not a day passes where I don’t think about the dysphoria I feel over my continued closet-dwelling and the malignantly gendered properties of my body. On a January morning in 2019, at my very lowest point, motionless under the covers, I gave myself a choice between transition and death, and I chose transition.

It’s been a complex journey. When I was 13 I shortened my gender neutral name to make it more masc (which I have now happily embraced as my middle name). I leant into the deepening of my voice because I thought it gave me authority, conditioned through the harsh words of people from public Team Fortress 2 servers. I’ve done almost everything under the sun that gets people to say “I’d never have known!” when you come out to them; I worry that I still do and that nothing has changed. I’ve gone and cross-dressed when my parents were out, and I’ve been traumatised by Susan’s Place. I am autistic, no one who has met me can escape that fact; not that I would want to, and as a consequence I am so much more confident in my presence on the internet than I ever have been in the flesh, despite me still not knowing how to make friends; hence I’ve ended up trying to piece my transition together through 4chan (I know, bad) and Reddit and Twitter.

Perhaps the biggest reason I am not out is the time when I decided I would come out to my mother as trans. When we were in Munich we had walked past a pride parade, and when we got back to the apartment I revealed off hand that I was bi. My mother chided me for not telling them before hand since it was “polite” to do so, as if it were not my choice to make because, as I still believe to this day, it’s not a big deal and it’s none of their business. But I decided this time it was important, and that I could trust her. It turns out that just like every other time, trusting my mother is a bad idea that is guaranteed to cause me pain every time I make that mistake. She told me that because she “knows more about [me] than [I] do”, that she thought that I was just straight up wrong, couched it in rhetoric about how she thought that I was too weak to be trans, and quoted the shockingly offensive “autism is extreme male brain” theory to me. It was really devastating at the time and I think it still affects me to this day, especially as she constantly tries to worm her tendrils back into my life after I moved out.

But enough about my mother; she is a fucking flat out abuser. She has emotionally abused me, and undoubtedly my brother, all our lives. I was relieved that my dad chose not to react aggressively as she did, but with a modicum of respect and agreement not to make such a big deal out of it, something I would never expect my mother to match. In the middle of writing this piece I had to decide that I could not do it any longer, and I would never let her back into my life again.

Where that conversation in late 2018 relates to Elliot Page’s statement is my mother’s purported belief that “you don’t have to define yourself as a man or a woman”. Going past the fact that she is lying, since her tolerance for all trans people is thinner than the grey hairs on her head going on the basis that she couldn’t bring herself to say one positive thing to her own daughter that afternoon, it struck me recently that I can more eloquently describe my gender through elimination rather than a label. I am happy to call myself a woman, a trans woman, and I don’t feel as if I really am wavering in or around the binary. But what I can say for definite is that while I have been a boy for almost all my life, and am holding onto that, I am not, and never will be, a man.

Where that leaves me is that I am not a man, but must I be a woman? If I am perhaps not a woman, am I non-binary? No; it doesn’t feel right. However, if I attach just a convenience to the label woman, I can give myself that flexibility in how I feel and how I present myself, and perhaps the biggest example of that is how in recent months I have made peace with my voice. It is not really a femme voice; I hit vocal fry just speaking normally. But I know how to be expressive with it; it is my voice that I have honed over 19 years after all. One day I want to find someone who will help me upgrade my voice (and yes, upgrade) but keeping it means I fulfil one cool thing about being trans, and that is saying fuck you to the very existence of the gender binary. I keep this voice out of necessity, but I’m still trans femme, I am still a woman and I still want my facial hair zapped off.

As well, I reserve the right to say I used to be a boy. Not a man, but a boy. That’s why they call it boymoding, right? How else can I describe the first 17 years of my life? I can be a boy all the same now, although I may be pushing it aged 20, and at the point at which I am really stretching that concept which at this point I am adhering to solely for my safety and comfort, I shouldn’t need to use it anymore. Wishful thinking, of course.

I think we should consider why we use “man” and “woman” in the first place. From my perspective they are simply words to describe people with two different sets of primary and secondary sexual characteristics, convenient because, well, being cis is unavoidably common. But they are not discrete, as we so often have to reiterate using intersex people as an unwilling crutch, where one does not occur in the other they are so often analogous and often they overlap! Supposedly 60% of teenage boys develop further breast tissue, and 40% of women have some form of facial hair. Thinking that the two are discrete gives rise to the idea of “biological sex”, a concept developed by cis people either to misgender trans people in a way they think is philosophically rigorous, or to reconcile their tenuous support for trans people with a continuing belief in the gender binary. Personally I would like to smash the concept of biological sex to bits because it is not useful to us. At the very least it may describe one’s primary sexual characteristics but bottom surgery exists, and I don’t happen to think that it is “mutilation”. I don’t need to argue that “biological sex can be changed”; they are not discrete categories, and I don’t need to move between them, or seek validation for having moved between them. It is not a helpful generalisation for bodies, diverse as they are.

I must add that as a trans woman the fact that I may have a penis doesn’t mean that I use it in the same way as a man. I use mine to pee, primarily, and it’s definitely not going inside anyone except myself any time soon; a whole zine was written about how trans women fuck and use their bits to fuck, so I definitely don’t need to anyway.

Another bullshit concept is “biological destiny” or “biological reality”, although I will give less breath to this one because at it’s core it is fundamentally misogynistic, and it so often is divorced from any sensible definition of reality. It’s like if I had to have my arm amputated and then someone came up to me and said “you’ll always have two arms, you were born with them and you’ll die with them”.

I’ve heard and thought a lot about gender abolition but it seems to me that its proponents expect that like the state, gendered differences will just disappear over time. But I don’t want that to happen. If the binary is done away with I don’t want gender to disappear I want it to flourish! Because gender is beautiful, men are beautiful, women are beautiful, and everyone in between or outwith are beautiful. On the other hand, me and you don’t need to be men, or women, or call ourselves non-binary to be beautiful. Being trans is about cultivating your own beauty and your own identity. When cissiety demands that the only identity and presentation we’re allowed is one that corresponds to what they decided was between our legs when we were born, why give ourselves only one other choice?

I don’t really know how to end this piece because I wrote one half of it one day and the other half a couple of weeks later. At the very least I’m glad I can attribute my peace with not necessarily being a woman but a femme to Elliot Page, and not my rotten bastard mother.

[zithjen]

Some Core Issues of this World

Before we dive into the execution of a revolution we should probably address why change is necessary and why it is so important that it happens soon.

The issue that has always bothered me personally the most is that of the exploitation of the worker. To think that the t-shirt I was wearing was sewn by a girl my age or younger, in a run-down factory, breathing in poisonous gases, continuously working her hands bloody (literally) because she has no real choice but to let companies exploit her, just to ensure that her family can afford the barest necessities of life. It is one of the most disgusting things I can think of. She doesn’t have the option of doing something with her life that fulfils her. She has to sell her labour at a wage that is no where near enough to provide for her loved ones. And to top this off employers could not care less for their employees’ safety and thus the working conditions are often insecure and endanger the workers. Phew, all the topics that come to my mind when thinking about this. Apart from endangering their workers, big companies and employers take away people’s means of living by for example pressuring them to sell their farmland which has been their main source of food and income for generations or buying up a vital fresh water source, bottling it up and selling the water these people used to get for free straight from nature for money which they simply do not have (not to mention the pollution created during the process if plastic bottle-making and then the shipping of the goods (I tip my hat to you if you also immediately thought of companies like Nestlé who are one of these monsters)). Or, which I might find even worse, such factories polluting their environment with chemicals either out of self-servitude or ignorance. Excuse me, I get carried away. Awful things that we let happen.

Now, as for the reason why this is an issue that could and needs to be ended by a system change is that this exploitation is the absolute base on which capitalism is built. Capitalism relies on the means of production getting cheaper and cheaper and the market to continue expanding. And seeing as we as consumer ship expect less expensive products the money we do not want to pay needs to be taken from somewhere. I can guarantee you that CEO’s will not part with a single penny which means that labourers (this includes office workers as well nowadays, contrary to Karl Marx’ time where this particular class struggle was first properly studied and where Marx’ oppressed class, the Proletariat, was made up by all workers (meaning factory and manual labourers) of the world) will have to deal with worsening working conditions and even less pay.

Instead of having only a handful of people in a company call the shots, make most of the money and not care about the people doing the actual work, anarcho-syndicalists as well as communists suggest self organisation and the complete abolishment of hierarchies, as well as a reconnecting with the work we are doing. The people working in a factory deciding how, when, and what they want to do that is, however, just a small part of that change.

While we are on the topic of exploitation, something else that is grossly being exploited is our earth and her resources. I don’t know where or when people got the idea that the earth is a 24 hours unlimited all you can eat buffet but it isn’t. Get that idiocy out of your heads. On the bright side, not all people are completely unaware. So there have been multiple trends in recent years such as a ban of plastic bags in supermarket chains all over the world and the most recent trend of refusing plastic straws. While it is admirable that some people are doing something it is hardly enough. What needs to change is again the system. 100 companies are responsible for 70% of emissions and although I do not know the numbers for the responsibility of ocean pollution I’d wager our plastic sins, while despicable and under all costs needs to be reduced, if not stopped, are nowhere near as harmful as that of big companies. Now, more important than continuing to reduce the harmful ways in which we impact our planet as individuals, is that we pressure big companies to either do the same or make sure they disappear forever. Aside from harmful emissions and plastic, in order to make profit, companies destroy enormous amounts of forest (especially in South America) for mono cultures of plants such as soy and palm trees. I have to admit geography is not my area of expertise, however, if I’m not mistaken then the hummus layer (which is the layer with most nutrients) in the ground in the rain forests is rather thin and can only be used for a short amount of time before yield is close to non existent without massive fertilisation. As though removing a big chunk of our planet’s lungs, our oxygen provider, wasn’t bad enough, using such amounts of fertiliser is incredibly harmful. And eventually these big stretches of land will have to be abandoned and by then the ground is so exhausted of nutrients that the forest struggles to reclaim the land. I can not even express my disdain for such reckless and stupid actions. And again we have only scratched the surface of these atrocities. We have yet to address the massive loss of life and habitat during deforestation. But I’ll leave that to organisations such as WWF and Green Peace.

Another topic close to my heart is discrimination. This will take me some time to cover as we are talking about discrimination against different ethnicities, people in the LGBTQ community, women, and, tied to the discrimination against ethnicities, xenophobia, and I’ll scrape the topic of the absolute brainlessness of borders and keeping people out of a country.

As a foreigner who grew up in the central European country I quickly learnt how normal discrimination is. As a child I got harassed and called slurs due to my origins. I wasn’t alone in this. If you didn’t absolutely adapt to the predominant culture you would have a though life. While this can be rather traumatising it is nothing compared to what prejudices for example black people in Europe as well as the US have had to live with. Shot at, killed, unjustly taken into custody, wrongly imprisoned. To name a few. I can’t believe that I am explaining this because the only right thing, on which I will not argue with anyone, is to judge a person based not on their skin colour, clothes, physical appearance, piercings, tattoos, hair colour, headscarf, burka, or anything like that, but on their actions and their capacity to show kindness. Back to the topic at hand. While there may be a lot of minorities, such as black people who live in poverty, which in no way represents their laziness or inferiority, they are not given the same opportunities as other people because of their skin colour. Prejudice and decades of oppression has forced them into impossible situations, where for many survival is their biggest concern. Being denied access to education or having to “sit with the brown kids” at lunch is what keeps them imprisoned in a lower class. This struggle is exceptionally painful as black people freed themselves of slavery mere decades ago just to be continuously mistreated.

Unfortunately, discrimination is not limited to people of colour. Modern women’s rights movements, which have been going on for over 100 years also still struggle and have to fight for each scrap of equality. I will not delve too deep into the topic. I will say though. My body. My choice. You can fuck the hell off if you tell any woman who did not specifically ask for your opinion how she should live her life. This is regarding clothing choices, choices regarding children, or how many or few sexual partners she has. Aside from that, many people see equality between men and women as achieved when plain and simple it has not been. The pay gaps being the smallest issue. Women are denied jobs for which they would be the perfect candidate for the reason of being female. The annoying thing about this is that many are not aware of their own prejudices, which makes it that much harder to battle. Women are naturally assumed to be the stay-at-home parent and are pressured into the “right” gender role. This applies to both men and women of course and the issue of bigenderism will be another point of discussion in the future. DISCLAIMER: Just because you do not do one of these things that does not automatically make you a non-sexist. It just makes you not quite such a sexist. Treat women as equals and there you go. Now actively say or do something for equal rights for women and you’ll be a feminist. This includes all women; white, black, Muslim, Christian, trans, etc. (We will discuss feminism and the fears connected to it at a later point as well.)

Speaking of trans (great TRANSition). Acceptance towards the lgbtq community is lacking as well. Not only is there a lack of acceptance but people actively hinder lgbtq members from being happy and living their lives the way they want to. I will try to make this very clear: they are not harming you by loving who they love and fucking who they want as you are. Who do you think you are, attacking them when they do nothing to harm you. Instead of complaining or hating queer people you might want to judge people based on their morals, as I have said before. A gay guy that’s rude is just as much of an unlikable person as a straight guy. He is, however, not an unlikable person because he’s gay. Never. Let people do what they want as long as they don’t harm anyone. And no one has a right to harm them for being who they are. Not civilians, not police. We just passed pride month, which, apart from reminding us to love who we love, should remind us of those who have fought for the rights of lgbtq members. It should remind us of those who were crushed and prohibited from loving and those who were suppressed by their governments and their police. Hatred will not stand against love.

And it is in these times, I believe, that we need love for one another more than ever before. We have reached a certain standard of living in western society that we do not have to fear for our lives. Unfortunately, not all people are that lucky. People flee from their home countries, whether it’s because it’s at war, or they can’t provide for their families. For whatever reason they flee, they are looking for a better life for their families and themselves and they need to be given a chance. Of course the problems in their countries need to be solved, but until they are these people need a home. Instead of pretending that they are all evil you could get over yourself and get to know some of them. Yes, there may be a cultural difference but it might be interesting to get to know it, broaden your horizon. Everyone is a human as you are. Some where just more or less fortunate in where they were born and how their country has been or is being governed. They have worries enough. Be kind to them. There is no need to put them in concentration camps, build walls to keep them out, separate children from their families, or be scared of them altogether.

Speaking of concentration camps (aka ICE). Many anarchists will agree that we hold no love for the police. I only briefly mentioned police brutality in the paragraphs about discrimination. I did not even scratch the surface of the disgusting things they do. They have been given the power and the right, by their government, to use force when they deem it necessary. Keep in mind they choose when they want to use force. It is no coincident that there are more black people being shot than white people by police, or that more lgbtq members are beat up than cis men. There is an imbalance in the distribution of power. We are governed from the top down and it is all we can do not to submit and accept this injustice.

If you take anything from this, let it be that we are all human beings, who deserve to live our lives as we choose, without fear for survival. Assuming we are different from one another because we are born in different places marked only by an imaginary line, or the colour of our skin, sexuality, or gender (which is also an ide constructed by our society).

It is not a coincidence either that all the oppressed are not white, straight, old men who sit in positions of power and assure that these few named injustices continue. It is our duty to ensure that no innocent is harmed and every moment we fail to do just that, is one moment too much. We need to fight this. Now.

[phoenix-angel-suyari]

This got long...

Spent three hours in the car with my sister yesterday while she alternated between being intentionally, ignorantly Queerphobic as fuck and yelling at me over my life choices. First thing you should know is that my sister is aware that I am bisexual. So let’s just start with that. She claims she understands my queerness. She understands being gay. She says she “can even understand pansexuality”. But apparently, those are her hard limits. She has some seriously black and white issues with the Trans community. And any other sexuality is not valid as far as she’s concerned. 

As usual, thinking of my Nephews’ health, safety and stability (new baby’s cicsmale so, yeah looks like another Nephew for now - and I say for now because one’s 15 months old and the other is in the womb, there’s literally no knowing at this stage if they’ll both identify as cismale in the future) I tried explaining them all to her as she ticked them off. I tried getting her to understand. But, she’s not willing to understand. She doesn’t think she needs to understand. And every time I try to have the conversation with her that her children could be literally any kind of queer at all in the future and she should learn to be positive and accepting now for their sakes, her response is always, “Why would you say something like that! Don’t curse me!” 

The irony of her yelling at me for my life choices comes from a place of pure entitlement. See, I did not get the chance to choose my college. I was told I would go to the college that offered me the most money and was in the city so I could commute because room and board was too expensive; because my mother was a single mom raising two kids and I was the oldest (and accustomed to sacrifice) I obeyed. I took out substantial loans - to which my mother co-signed - so I could afford college. When I wanted to change colleges, I was told that I had to first finish one college before I could go to another. My mother would no longer co-sign my loans if I didn’t graduate from one college before attending another. I was not allowed to do any semesters abroad because we “couldn’t afford it” and there was no way my mother was allowing me to go to some foreign country - not even for school. When I got very sick and had to take medical absence so I could be treated, my mother told me we would “figure it out”. Unfortunately, taking medical leave invalidated me from my father’s insurance. Then I got my first loan repayment letter. I showed it to my mother who responded, “You’re an adult. Figure it out.” So I got a job. 

I have been in an out of work since. I eventually paid off my loans and I am loathe to get into that kind of debt again (we won’t even discuss the debt I’m actually in) without a guarantee. Now, while all this was going on my sister graduated HS and it was time for her to go to college. She decided she wanted something easy and far away from home so she went to a culinary school six states away, studying pastry for two years. My parents paid for all of it. She even took up sailing. My parents paid for it. She came home two years later with a degree and got ONE job, decided she “wasn’t made for work” and told our parents she wanted to get a better degree then fucked off for another two years. 

Now, I had a job and she was in college. So I was paying a lot of her bills and sending her care packages and all the sorts of things your siblings do for you so your parents don’t find out what they’re really up to. I helped her out of financial jams and basically supported her in the places where my parents just literally could not give her any more money. 

And then one day she wanted a new tattoo and called me so I could pay for it. I didn’t have the money when she called me and I told her that and told her I could help her the following week. Let’s just say that was when I realized that I was part of the problem as far as her attitude was concerned. But, she was my little sister and I loved her and so even though I was more careful about it, I still paid for her own success and fulfillment for years. (A lot of this I fully admit stems from wanting her to have a better life than me; and there is literally no accounting for selfish egocentrism, but I digress.)  

The point is, my sister went from our parents paying everything, to me paying everything, to her significant others paying everything, to her husband now paying everything. So her view on responsibility and financial strife is admittedly stunted. She told me that I need to go back to school and get a degree so I can get a job. And while I agree that part of the sticking point for my employment is very likely that, I also am not financially capable of that and not sure I ever will be again. Besides the fact that I am not putting myself in that position again when I have literally no support network and am facing imminent homelessness. My sister argued that I was “being ridiculous” and then says, “Mommy can pay for it.” 

Our mother can pay for it. The woman who has only helped me ever pay ONE bill in my entire adult life. And then made me feel like shit about it. Our mother who’s response to every single financial conundrum I have ever found myself in has been, “You’re an adult; figure it out” and who then nitpicks the ways I do go about it. Our mother who is retiring early, because my sister - who was specifically told NOT to get pregnant by her health care team and has done it not once, but twice now - is “sick” and “overwhelmed” and needs her. Our mother who plans to move in with my sister to care for her home and children (and her) - who is very much capable as of this moment, but extremely spoiled - and who’s planning to leave me high and dry because I’m an adult and can figure it out, can pay for me going back to school. 

Sure. Let me just go do that. Let me ask a woman who has never trusted me with her credit card like I’m some thief who will rob her blind, to pay for school I don’t even want to attend. 

My cousin - one of the one’s whose more like a sister to me than my own sister and whom I had a conversation with many years ago and whom agreed to take in any children I had in the event that I died or became incapacitated - when I told her of the car ride up, said of my worry for my nephews potentially queer future in my sister’s household, “They’ll always have a home with us.” (Us being herself and her husband & children.) And like...THAT, that is what family is, right there. That’s what it’s supposed to be. I can’t even tell you how fucking relieved I was to hear that. 

I haven’t had any children of my own - not because I can’t - but because I’m not financially stable enough to support them on my own and I love them too much to expose them to the kinds of people and abusive toxicity I have been living with my entire life. And it just fucks me up so much that so many people who HAVE children can’t even love them enough to accept them for who they are, for things they CAN’T HELP. 

And all I want is to be able to BE that. To be there, to be capable, so that I can take in my nephews if they get tossed out on their asses for being queer. So they can know they can come to me and be safe and loved and supported and not have to live through the shit I have lived through because they don’t want to be a BURDEN. 

And I am just so very fucking frustrated, I can’t even put it into proper words. 

[saintsnsinnersbdb]

Routines: The End of the Beginning (Part 5)

Written by @Lassiter_SASBDB.

https://www.twitlonger.com/show/n_1sriff1

I was finally getting the hang of this Deity gig. At least the Creator must think so because there hadn’t been any stop-motion events for a random deity lesson lately. And I had a routine now. Every morning after the manse locked down for the day I hit my retreat in the forest and went all Dali Lama, meditating until I could hear the prayers of the race and then decide what to do about them. This morning was no different, although as the weather was getting colder and snowier I was gonna want to find someplace a little warmer soon. No point in freezing my well-kept keister off sitting in the snow, know what I mean? Must be someplace with a hot spring around here. Or hey, maybe I can get Fritz to build me a sauna out behind the manse. But for now, this will have to do. As I settle down cross-legged on the ground my mind wanders to some of the species who were keeping me up at night –hardy-har-har – with their issues.

I was keeping an eye on the little girl I’d rescued and her mom. Her mom needed to make the choice to leave that male and then I could help her more, but until then I had to settle for comforting the kid and protecting her when I could. Hey, spandex can cover a lot of bruising and I heal quick, so no big. And there were others like this kid, in the same situation with a male who took his frustrations out on his female and young. I’d intervened more than once but without a place for them to go no amount of whispering in their brains could convince most of these females to leave. I was gonna have to talk to Wrath about it. Or maybe whisper an idea into the brain of one of the females at the manse. I’ll put it on my “to do list”.

I also had new concerns and, wincing to myself, all of them female. One was a civilian, Breehanna. I’d me her while I was on one of my scouting runs for she-who-shall-not-be-named….oh who am I kidding? I have no prob naming the bitch. Devina wasn’t gonna go psycho monster on me because I thought her name. She was just one naturally. Now, back to Breehanna… the female was being majorly taken advantage of by her ghardian. I couldn’t do a lot until she made some decisions, but I’d be taking myself over to her place in the now for in person visits from time-to-time just so she knew she had friends. Feeling alone can make people do damned stupid shit. Like another pair of females that I’d recently prevented from running headlong back into trouble.

Sloahne, I’d known for a while, but she’d shut me out and had made some epic bad choices that had almost gotten her killed, and they still could. I dunno what she’s hiding or why she’s so paranoid about the Brotherhood, but I’m going to be finding out. She has a future. Providing she doesn’t keep doing the stupid. And speaking of doing the stupid, what am I going to do about that pre-trans Chosen, Talia, that tried to make a run for it with Sloahne? I do /not/ agree with Annalise’s former breeding program for the Brotherhood, but Phury has pretty much gotten that set to rights, with Cormia’s help, so the kid does have options for a future that don’t include being an involuntary baby-maker and blood donor. She was just too stuck in the vampire equivalent of adolescent rebellion to see that. Unfortunately, that rebellion had taken her into some dark places in both her head and reality. Drugs and a human male had nearly ended her. And now that Phury had temporarily sent /all/ the Chosen back to Sanctuary she was going to be more bullheaded than ever. Maybe some Lassiter-style quality time is what she needs. But not the kind that’s spent watching rom-com’s and eating popcorn. No, this needs to be more serious. Maybe with her spending some time picking her butt up off of the floor on a regular basis. Now that might be a plan….

Get a grip, I chide myself. Focus or you’ll be out here freezing your hey-nonny-nonnies off all morning.

Clearing my mind, I inhale and exhale rhythmically until the prayers of the race come streaming in… a female who wants rehvenge on a cheating male….nope, not touching that one. Rehvenge is never a good motive. Now if she just wanted out, I could open a door for her but I’m not hanging him up by his ‘nads over a slow fire. She needs to ask for something else. Now, what else do I have.... a male praying for his female’s safety on the birthing bed as she enters labor…man, I wish I could guarantee that, but I don’t get to decide when somebody’s time is up. Even with medical help, all too often the races females die in childbirth, and it doesn’t help that the race’s only “doctor” is #Havers. He’s entirely too complacent about the number of females who die having young. But this male wouldn’t take his female to the clinic anyway. He sees #Havers as being out of his reach. Making a decision, I reach out and nudge an older female who lives down the road from them go check up on the pregnant female. She’s assisted in a number of successful deliveries and I trust her more than #Havers anyway.

There are a few more, odd and sundry. Some are easy, some are hard and some are a big “NOPE”, but all in all, it’s a light morning. Gives me time to take a trip into Caldwell for my own purposes. I’ve got a line on Devina. I think she’s surfacing again, although why the fuck she just won’t just leave Caldwell, I don’t know. Hmm…she went off radar after our last encounter. Maybe I can shove her off again. It's worth a shot.

Rising, I demat to a clearing and stretch my wings, their iridescent magnificence shimmering in the sunlight. Think I’ll go for the big glow here. After all, there’s nothing like shining a light in the darkness.

#TBC