#because that makrs me hate myself more than i already do....

[finnslay]

I'm so confused with tomorrow

there's a soccer game. I don't know where I go. Only certain kids can go to the media center. You have to have a 504 or IEP. I have a 504. But I don't wanna go to the media center... I wanna be able to sit and watch a soccer game with my friends and partner and make jokes and be freezing on the bleachers and complain about how I should've just not come because this day is pointless

The media center isn't gonna help anyway. I don't understand anything that's happening I'm gonna freak out. The soccer game...well...at least I know what's going on..

I just wanna be like the other highschoolers...I don't want to need special accommodations. I don't want to go into the "backup plan" for the kids who can't handle it...

I'm just gonna he alone when I freak out and they'll all try to help in the wrong way and it's gonna get worse and I'm gonna wanna die before going back to school...it's gonna make me hate myself even more and then im just gonna be miserable all weekend

Because it basically shows in my face that I can't be normal. I can't do fun things like other teens. I just have to sit in another room while the world goes on without me. They don't know how miserable that can make a person feel.

When I do freak out, they're gonna make it worse. Because they think they know how my brain works but they don't. None of them do... I hate when they follow something because "protocol" or some bullshit...because last time they did they tried to drag me into a wheelchair. It's terrifying...

It. Doesn't. Help.

And I don't even know what my 504 plan is...I don't know how it works. Nobody told me.

So basically. They're really fucking good at making someone feel worthless...

[antigoneidk]

"I hate you"|arvin russell

a/n: like the little slut that I am i couldn't help myself but think of this so here you are. I want to apologize for my smut experience I- also pics are not mine if you are the owner lmk so I can tag you!

warnings: smut, swearing( like what did you expect unicorns?)

I SUGGEST READING THIS(AND ANY KIND OF THOSE FAN FICS) WITH SEXUAL SONGS. It helps with setting the scene you know. Crazy in love(slowed version) could work in here lmao

_

Bottles of beers scattered all around the dining table, the floor, the couch both of them were sitting. The smell of burnt cigarettes filled the entire room, getting mixed with her cologne, complicated just like her. The four-grey under that lightning-walls representing his cold-hearted attitude, giving the feeling of loneliness and fright, the way he preferred treating people.

She wasn't the exception for him. She couldn't bring that loving boy to the surface. He did a really good job burying it deep down enough, so that nobody could break him, because he knew that the moment he would let himself break, it would have been over.

"Why did you do this?" her voice showed no emotion, her movements either. Her hand held her head as she turned to face him." I told you it wasn't necessary"

"He was driving me nuts" he kept staring at the wall across the room while he placed his cigarette on his lips. He could sense her fear from miles away, he could heat her thoughts through her mind clearly: He is a psycho.

"So you just decided to shoot him" she whispered now turning her attention to the gun next to her. She wasn't surprised anymore, it was what he had to do. Yes, she was scared. Shaking at the thought of him pointing his gun at her with no emotion, just pure evil. Yet she was sure that he would never do that, even if he wasn't going to admit it. Admit that y/n had the power to destroy him completely, leave him into pieces. Arvin was a 50/50 situation for her, he could've had her overthinking his actions for days, trying to figure out if he loved her or not.

Love, a word that no one has the perfect explanation for what it means. Everyone shows love in different ways.

For Arvin love meant that he had to kill, so he can save the ones around him. Eliminate the bad in seconds no matter the consequences. With the help of the devil his loved ones were safe.

For y/n love meant forgiveness. That even after everything she would have open arms for her loved ones, never re-thinking their motives but willing to help escape from their demons.

"I had what I had to do" it was his statement. With confidence he threw his cig down and pressed it with his foot for a few seconds.

"That's what you are always saying"

"It's the truth either you like it or not" he started to feeling bothered by her words. He didn't like talking that much and y/n was now a challenge he didn't have the power to accept.

"Yes" she stood up and walked over to his kitchen, grabbing a glass and pouring it with water. The cold liquid ran through her upper body being the oxygen she needed at that moment helping her not losing her mind as if she was crazy.

She stared at him from across the room. The way his hair covered his face, the way his gun touched his jawline, the way his veins popped up, the way he positioned his body, legs open, torso relaxed, his one arm next to him few centimeters away. He looked smoking hot, however she was mad, selfish. And needy. "I fucking hate you" Arvin heard her words even though she mumbled those under her breath.

"Oh do you?" he asked curious.

"Yes I do. I have hated you since forever. You are a horrible person" she moved from where she stood and made her way in front of him, talking at a slow pace hoping she could be able to get her words inside his head, that he could react.

He smiled towards her.

"I fucking hate you" she repeated once again leaning her body to his, barely touching his lips and her eyes staring exactly at his dark brown ones. She shivered at the feeling of the gun in the middle of the throat cold as ice knowing damn well she could be dead any time soon.

Their lips touched finally. It was a kiss full of hunger, their tongues playing a game they loved to. She wanted to touch him, ran her hands all over his body, feel his skin, touch him, make him feel like never before.

He wanted to. He needed to have her all to him self, on the top of him fuck him just like she did. He wanted to taste her.

Arvin grabbed her waist and forced to sit on his lap, his member already hard from his imagination. With the gun still pointing at her he kept kissing her, slowly falling to her neck and sucking her skin with no mercy. She intertwined her fingers with his hair pulling them with strength at the same time she started to move her body up and down on him, moving her hips a little more just to tease him, her breasts on his chest helping her with achieve her goal.

She felt the icy thing pushing her even more. "Stop teasing me or else I'll shoot you" his gravelly voice came to her ears and she smiled at her self without stopping. She enjoyed the feeling down there, of her pussy rubbing to his trousers, tight around him and his suck game that would've had her cumming in seconds.

He threw her body to the other side of the couch and got on the top of her, his arm grabbing both of hers and the other one pressing down at her area with his gun."Why aren't you listening to what I'm saying?" he pressed even harder. "It is not about you"

"I don't think so"she smirked"You are the one who's on top asshole"

She felt the gun making circles at her underwear, on the top of her clit teasing her. He wanted to hear her say it out loud. Say that she needed him, she needed him to please her, that he was the only one that knew how, that made her cum in seconds.

He left the gun to his side. With what it seemed like forever he kissed her lips quick and moved himself lower at her breasts, her nipples showing of her shirt that hugged her body perfectly, especially this area. With rush moves he lifted up biting his lips at the view in front of him. He licked all around her right nipple without touching it, growing y/n impatient.

"Just lick it already" she breathed out anticipating the feeling. He heard his laugh moments before her eyes rolled back, her upper body lifting and her nails dragging his skin of his hand.

He suddenly let her go of his hand and placing it on her area that was soaking like never before. He moaned at the sensation of his fingers inside of her, the hearing of her moans in this quiet room. He couldn't wait to fuck the hell out of her.

She pushed him back getting the strength to lay him down, turning the roles. Yes she wanted keep continue with what he was doing, however she knew deep down that this is not what he wanted and all she needed was to please him, more than ever.

"I'll fuck you today" she announced to him pulling his shirt off of his head. Her hands traveled to his hands, his veins turning her on, her clit twitching. Her tongue made a path of wet kisses with a lot of sucking in between, his abs being her most favourite part of him.

She took of both of their pants exposing the two of them. She touched him for a while her eyes scanning his face as he stared back at her. Then she touched her self for seconds, closing her eyes and imagining his fingers doing all the work.

He noticed how her face seemed relaxed, how her breasts were exposed, how her fingers moved inside her, how bad he needed her.

She pressed her wet fingers onto his mouth as she positioned her self and finally feeling him inside her. And then she went up and down, his tongue licking her warm fingers, his eyes rolled back, the need for more.

Arvin moved himself up connecting their lips, his hands on her waist keeping the tempo just like he liked. She scratched his back, red makrs making their appearance. It wasn't long after both of them were cumming a few seconds away from one another.

He wouldn't tell this even to his self, but he freaking loved her and the idea of losing her could have drove him insane.

"I fucking hate you too"

[abtoddler]

Soo, today was totally a day. I woke up for my dr appointment, and it wasnt my doctor but a fill in. I did tell him i needed the tests that i asked for 3 weeks ago, and should have had.

I get home, and take a nap. I wake up, i have some food, and watched a documentary on the us. History, it was neat, do watch.

I am talking with daddy and my head, feels like a bat hit it. Like the entire bottom part of the skull where it meets the neck, is throbbing, burning, a buzzing feeling (the noise of a bee in flight but if that was a sensation)

Anyway ive been sick all day, but turned away at the er essentially saying keep my appointment for next week, and schedule with the apropriate appointment with neurology anyway no meds, no drugs, and with “pupils” as wide as saucers in full fluorescents. Which always fucking happens to me.

It sucks. It feels like water of fire and pain. I want to call it a knot at this place which is what im going to call it. The shit messes with my vision, makes me want to vomit and i feel like my insides are being squeezed so hard i poop firey hell and throw up every last bit of solid food. Ha jokes on my butthole, cause its handy. I fucking hate these things. I got to the er earlier this year. I went to today to get it on the record. These things are happening.

My vision is extremely bad while typing this. The contraction of my stomach is what has made me want to vomit all day, its like making a fist that wont let go. Of the sensory hell of it making everything that much worse. Then when it lets up i can breathe a bit. Now this is where it gets fun, my fingers have decided to join my toes. And so now they burn and twitch, instead of just the pain of the sharp sensation if a papercut was poured alcohol on it to clean the wound. I cant talk right for anything either.

One fun fact a dude did give up the numerological test to see whats up and yeap a bit of facial paralysis thats hapened. Haha so thats at least something new. Sooo much fun i tell ya.

Anyway thats why i ve been quiet cause this twitching, buzzing burny things down my neck, arms, legs, and feet, theres not really anything useful came from today other than the left side isses. Make sense for the side in my right where the buzzying always starts first. This is super scary.

I am super happy though that through my adventure in today. Big brother and daddy was kind, sweet and the helpful to me. I love them sooo much. Its been super wonderful to me, to know they got me, they can do the emergency room trip for me, they move and arrange everything. I know im pretty much on the way to experience this again in my lifetime. It has happened so many times already. Because every single one of the awesome big brothers who took me in when they weren’t much better off. They put up with all my issues, graciously. I am suppppper thrilled tuat they are looking out for me. So no matter what happens i really can rely on them, for my entire life. I love them so much, and when im all drugged up, and cant talk baby talk is fine.

It feels like my body is its own animal and i need to makr sure the petts continue. I am trying for self controls. Moving between areas of the house doing different tasks betwern each place, working this way has helped me keep organized in my routine. This is what i do to be myself. But im also in generally every day just in a diaper, or one of those sensory friendly suits.

So hers where my mind wif all this stuff. Its hard to type, thankies for being with me, i supper appreciate you taking the time to read this little bit of my day. I really appreciate it, and thank you for sitting with it. I know its hard, it’s scary the stuff the day has made occur. Your not alone, im not alone. More over, i think its my views that whth this stuff thers a neat aspect that comes from others just being friends with eachother. We are those hospital kids, that make fun friends only at the dr. But when you leave the hospital you have a pen pal, it lasts for so long. Then off it goes. Into one of the having been stories. But anywys im trsiling off. Sleep tight everyone. Thank you, and I appreciate having a place where i can ramble. It really is nice to have this place into where i can ruminating on this my issues, and ive gotten some wonderful feedback and I’ve been able to make some wonderful new friends Thank you for being with me today and keeping me company :) it was wonderful to have a babysitter while daddy and champ had their own schedules for the day and because of them this time im unable to function, its finally home.

I love it, and them, and being able to be Thankies everyone. Biggest of hugs.

[stoopsbookstore]

"Nothing I can Do"

Warning - Use of the C word said in moment of anger

"So that's it? 6 months for nothing? For you to say you want to break up and no good reason?" Y/N stood next to Kino's bed, the boy holding his head in his hands as the situation in the room grew more tense.

"I'm sorry, Y/N. It's just between my schooling, the radio station and the guys, I never have time and maybe we could be frie-"

"And we discussed that beforehand. We will text every morning and night, and we'll meet up when we can!" Y/N was exasperated, "and you don't think I have a lot on my plate, too? With fucking 6 classes, my job and an internship at the news station?"

Kino bit into his hand, he knew Y/N was right, "I just feel like we should work on oursel-"

"Save it," Y/N grabbed her bag, running out of the door and almost slamming into Wooseok who had opened the entry.

"Kino? What was that?" Wooseok sat next to his older friend, patting his back as tears flowed out of his eyes.

Kino curled up in the tall boy's lap, sobs coming out, "my biggest mistake."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shinwon and Yan An had to drag Kino out of the radio station's rundown studio they let him use for his music. The trio walked to the cafe, Port Town's Caffeine, opting to sit in a booth.

"You need to eat, Kino, Ms. Hyuna said you locked yourself in there and you've been there since yesterday," Yan An sat next to him as Shinwon ordered the drinks and snacks, "Hui told me he found you asleep at your computer the past 2 weeks, that's not good."

Kino kept quiet as Shinwon handed him his iced coffee and a muffin, picking at the wrapper.

"Is this about that bit-"

"I told you, Shinwon. It was all me. My choice, ny regret, my decision," Kino perked up, his eyes void of all emotion, "she's not anywhere in the wrong for this."

Shinwon sat back, bitter as he noticed Y/N walking in with another boy, "holy fucking shit, that slut."

Yan An and Kino turned around, taking notice at the pair, the boy with his hand on Y/N's hip as he guided her to a chair.

"We're not together, bro. If she wants someone else, that's fine, that's what I wanted her to do."

"We can leave if you'd like," Yan An started picking up the wrappers and empty cups, "we don't have to stay. I know it's still fresh."

Kino shook his head, "guys, I'm fine. I mad-"

"Kino?" The guy with Y/N pulled his mask down, walking over to the group as Y/N kept her eyes down, "what's up, man?"

"Hey Vernon, what's been up with you?" Kino offered a seat next to him as Vernon waved Y/N over, the girl bitterly walking over.

"Oh, I've been good," Kino lied through his teeth as Y/N kept her eyes on the table, fiddling with her fingers while Shinwon glared holes into her head.

"Cool!" Vernon turned to Y/N, "Let me introduce yo-"

"We know who she is," Shinwon barked, crushing his cup, "he used to fuck her in our dorm. How is his sloppy sec-"

"Shinwon!" Kino and Y/N yelled at the tall male, his drink covering the table.

"That's low," Yan An scolded Shinwon, "what he meant to say is they were together. I'm guessing Y/N told you?"

"Yeah. She had mentioned she had a class with a Hyunggyu and they dated for a bit, but I didn't think it was him," Vernon felt the sudden awkward tension, looking between Y/N and Kino, "we can go if you'd like."

"Um, no. It's fine, Kino and you seem like you need to catch up, I'll actually go order food," Y/N stood up before being cut off by Kino.

"Actually, if it's okay with you, Vernon, I'd like to talk to Y/N."

"It's up to her, dude," Vernon helped Yan An clean up the now liquid-free, but still sticky table.

Y/N bit her tongue, nodding, following Kino outside.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What the fuck did you tell them?! Why did Shinwon try to attack me like that?!"

"Because it's Shinwon, he's impulsive. And I told him that I broke up with you, he took it as I did it because you hurt me, cheated on me, did something to me."

Kino and Y/N stood in the alley next to the cafe, both of their faces red with annoyance, anger, bitterness, regret.

"Have you told him it was you?! Not me! Did you tell him I cried myself to sleep or that Roa had to basically rip me from my bed to go out?" Y/N's words were like knives in Kino's heart, "I'm not saying this to makr you feel guilty! I'm saying this because Shinwon's accusing me of cheating and all this shit, calling me a slut, but it's been hard for both of us and I'm not going to be talked to like that by someone who eats his entire weight in trashy fast food!"

"I've tried telling him! I've told Hui! I've told Yan An, I've told Yuto. I've told my entire group of friends that it was me! It's not my fault that he wants to be an asshole!"

"Well, birds of a feather flock together! I wonder he got the idea of me being a horrible person from! Calling me a slut?! What the hell?!"

"We've been broken up for 2 weeks and you're already on your knees for some fucking other cunt! You're already in bed with Ver-"

"Who said I'm in bed with him?! We're partners in an acting project together and we figured we would take a fucking break before getting back to the scene! At least I'm not the fucking asshole who broke up with someone and couldn't give them a real fucking answer!"

"I broke up with you because I thought you'd be better without me and with someone else! I felt like I wasn't there enough for you to be happy and I didn't want you to feel trapped out of guilt!"

The venom in both of their words raced through their veins, both of them embarrassed by what they just said. The reality hits them both as the tone in the alley went from angry hatred to heartfelt sincerity.

"I've told him it was all my decision, you had nothing to do with it. He's just annoyed at the aftermath."

"Is that Hui texted me saying he found you sleeping in the radio station's record studio at least 4 times last week?" Y/N walked over to Kino, the space between them closing as the two looked at their feet.

Kino's voice wavered in defeat, "maybe."

"Hyunggyu," his real name a gross taste to both parties, "You need to take care of yourself. You need to eat and drink, make sure you're getting some rest."

"Why do you care? You sounded so angry before," Kino looked up to see Y/N holding back tears.

"Because even though it was a shitty breakup, I'm still going to care for you," Y/N grabbed his hands, "we may not be together, but we can still care for each other."

Kino and Y/N looked at each other, both of their cheeks wet with tears that they didn't even notice until now. Kino took his sleeve of his sweater and wiped at Y/N's years. The two sat in comfortable silence, Y/N making the first move to hug.

"Hey, Kino!" Shinwon was at the beginning of the alley, watching the two like a hawk, "we're needed at the radio station."

Kino broke the hug, Y/N with a soft smile on her face as Kino kissed her cheek.

"We can talk more later," Y/N wiped at the last tears falling.

"I'll facetime you when I'm out. Sounds good?"

"Yea," the pair shared one last hug as Vernon and Yan An showed up, Kino and Y/N walking towards them, "take care of yourself."

"You too. Good luck on your project."

"Good luck on your recording."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Happy Thursday, this is Kino's corner and I'm your host, DJ Kino with my friend, Shinwon," Kino talked into the microphone, a melancholy cloud over his head, looking at the sheet of songs he was suggested to play, "I know it's been a long week, a long day and I don't want to bring anyone down."

Kino stared at Shinwon, the older male nodding in approval as Kino took a breath in.

"I don't want to get too depressing, but I want to talk about break-ups, make-ups and regrets. We all go through them at one point in our lives. Sometimes all at once, two at a time or one right after another. Here's my story about a break-up that I regret and still do, but I've come to terms with it."

Kino started tearing up, the pain in his chest dull as he focused on making sure his voice doesn't crack.

"We were together for a good amount of time, 6 months, you know long enough to fall in love, find each other's quirks and fears, learn about each other. I felt like she could find someone better. I wasn't there for her and if we did see each other, it was only for about 5, 10 minutes top between classes. I broke up with her, giving her the reason we were too busy. I didn't want to tell her that it was because I felt like I wasn't enough, I knew she would feel guilty and I guess I'd rather her hate me than her feel guilty about me not being enough."

Kino watched his phone light up with a notifcation.

"I'll admit, I've been one of those exes who would look at their Instagram, snapchat, line, kakaotalk, Facebook, all that shit. She does look happier and I'm glad for her. Yes, we still talk and see each other out, but I don't think there's any chance of us getting back together."

Kino unlocked his phone, a text from Y/N, her classic snarkiness coming through.

'You know I listen to the radio show, right? :P'

"I know there's certain people listening," Kino chuckled as he queued Shinwon to play a song, "I think there are some people who may need to listen to what I'm about to play. As you know, me, my cohort, Shinwon, as well as our friends Hui and Yan An, have a group, we're called Pentagon, we're recruiting more people, at least... we're trying."

Shinwon laughed as he played the intro, "auditions tomorrow at 2! We have 6 spots open!"

"Thanks, Shinnie. This is a song we just did, I hope you'll like it, it means a lot to me. It's called 'Nothing I Can Do'. I hope you all like it."