#before this recent downgrade of my memory those feelings that im forgetting something were my greatest superpower

[ilikecheeseandchocolatee]

Well not exactly a vent but it’s just stuff pertaining to my personal life that only a few mutuals know about sooooooo yeah read the tags first for content warnings

Just talked to a friend from school after a long long time because i wanted to make sure he’s doing okay (he’s Palestinian) and yeah i just talked about how I hope i see him whole and healthy when I come back to school next month, and he said that he hopes I’m better too

And I was like wait what

So yeah idk if you guys know but memory issues are probably my main main problem right now in that they’re actually horrifically bad and I should really see a professional about this as soon as I am financially able to. So I was like okay what if there was something wrong with me last time I was in school

So I asked him what I was like last October and he said that I seemed really stressed/paranoid and that I seemed really on edge (those are his words) and like damn. In that regard yeah I’m doing so so much better now than back then. Which is understandable because England always fucks up my mental health I just didn’t expect it to be that bad in October. What in the world was a stressed about? I had nothing to be stressed about except my medications doing their job. NOW I have about a billion things to be stressed about. And honestly what was I being paranoid about. I have pretty much no memories of last year now which is obviously not ideal because I have exams for fucks sake.

Past me I am sorry for always throwing shade at you, I’m trying to remember that I don’t remember the past and I can’t possibly judge you for things if I don’t remember what you were going through. But I keep forgetting about my memory issues. I’m very sorry and please know I still love you and I know you’ve been doing your best since you turned 15. I’m sorry that I keep doubting you and hating you. I’ll try to remind myself that I have issues.

Future me here is a promise. I promise that I’ll try to be kind to myself, ALL versions of myself. I’ll try to be kind to myself when I feel lazy and hopeless, and I’ll try to be kind to myself when my thoughts are getting the better of me. I’ll try to be kind to myself as I work on myself and I’ll try to see the progress I’ve made in the past few years. I’ll try to be kind when im struggling and I’ll try to be kind when I’m doing better. I’ll try to remember to not throw shade at any past version of me, because I’ll try to remind myself that I don’t remember most things anymore. I know I keep feeling like I DO remember but I need to accept that I don’t, not just the times when I get proof that I don’t. I need to remember that I do not remember things and to not judge past me anymore. Im sorry past me. And I promise future me. See you both