#before you get in the confession booth you are presented with a terminal where you select amount of money based on the severity of your sin

[weaselbeaselpants]

Rewritten Alastor notes (TW: NSFL, Cannibalism, Vore, animal abuse)

This is unexpected I know, but I’m suffering from a major headache and I need something to do.

Alastor the Radio Demon in my non-existent Hazbin repaint. Things he has in common with his canon self:

Human soul of a man who died in the 1930s. Was a cannibal in life.

Tried (and succeeded) to corrupt a bunch of lesser demons. 

Respected by the big-bads of Hell, like Valentino and Vox. Feared among them as well because he creeps even them out.

Deer + wendigo motif still very much still at play.

Still asexual, though I wouldn’t recommend putting him on any pride flags.

Gets along with Charlie and loves antagonizing Vaggie.

Treats Nifty and Husk as goons and/or pets.

His weird hair tufts emote along with him like ears. I don’t know if they are ears though. I think Viv has the right idea not confirming what the frack is up with his anatomy.

Can’t ever stop smiling. Ever. That aspect of Al’s design is something real special that I think Viv has the right idea implementing. A character who can not stop smiling makes for a lot of terrifying and hilarious reactions. Just look at Sans near eternal smile. 

Inexplicably likes pineapple pizza. Funny out-of-character gag.

AGAIN: CONTENT WARNING ESPECIALLY FOR ANYONE WITH TRIGGERS TO THE STUFF ABOVE. KEEP READING AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Changes made to his character:

I do not mind Hazbin being crass and vile and offensively-over the top as long as it has a good grasp on what the joke is (like Helluva Boss :>). My Hazbin thesis is that all of the characters are “demons” in as much as they’ve done bad things or were bad people, but are not maniacal or sadistic + there’s hope for some of them. THEN there’s Alastor who absolutely lives up to the demon-reputation and did genuinely evil things in life. Alastor’s the kind of person who absolutely should be purged but has escaped because those who are supposed to be for justice aren’t threatened by him.

He isn’t involved in voodoo or has any affluent Creole background. With all do respect that aspect feels just a little too lifted from Dr. Facilier. My Alastor’s background is American “mutt” with an Algonquian-native grandmother.

His sin in life - and in Hell itself - is Gluttony. Taking a page from the OG Wendigo mythos, which describes them more as pulsating, gorging Elderitch abominations, Al’s MO in the show is to consume everyone and everything there is. 

Alastor’s demonic powers are presented as a wave of high frequency radio static that messes with a demon’s psyche so much it physically hurts them. Al then scoops up his victim’s souls to power his microphone and everything that demon had in it’s possession beforehand crumbles or becomes his.

Angel is afraid of him. Unlike in the canon cartoon, Angel is the one who recognizes Alastor and knows he’s dangerous, not Vaggie. Turns out, Angel had a run in with the Radio Demon sometime during the mid twentieth century (so when they were both pretty young in demon years). Angel tried to steal Al’s microphone but Al flung a nasty radio-frequency in Angel’s face, taking out one of his eyes. Angel was present during Al’s first attempt to take over Hell, so he immediately knows Al’s bad news and Alastor never misses the opportunity to mess with Angel in season 1.

Alastor is a shape-shifter. In what is probably the most grizzly detail about my take, he technically self-mutilates in order to re-imagine himself ala the Hellraiser Cenobites - which he does quite a bit to hide from Charlie’s parents.

Technically, Al is naked. What looks like a suit is actually his flesh. Look closely at you’ll see that he’s all stitched together like a crude taxidermy piece. Beneath his “skin” are his bones; which all look like mechanical radio parts and move independently of another. Sometimes Al tears them out if he thinks his “wiring needs to be reworked”, which is Al for ‘feeling an emotion’ and he doesn’t like that.

The motif my Alastor is supposed to invoke is everything about him was “stolen” and crudely pieced back together: he collects and traps other demons inside his microphone; he eats by unhinging his mouth and swallows in one gulp. Alastor’s anatomy invokes a lot of vore imagery as well as Ero Guro. Despite being ace, there is a sexual (but not arousing) edge to his character, which leads to a lot or horror and humor.

Alastor does not like that he was human. He’s even in denial of it and insists “I was always a demon. I simply had a nightmare that I was a man. Now I’m awake and the nightmare is long gone”.

Alastor’s human name was Edward; he was a sad, pathetic little man whom everyone walked all over. Edward wanted to be a radio host but was denied that position cause he ‘couldn’t smile’. Edward was deeply disturbed and fixated on ingesting human meat (a condition called ‘wendigo psychosis’). Despite committing murder and then eating all his victim’s bodies, he can’t recall most of the process and was frightened by his behavior, knew what he was doing was wrong. BUT he never went about treating his addiction with meat; he’d have “cold periods” where he didn’t kill and thought he was ‘fixed’ only for his psychosis to resurface.

Alastor’s demon self aims to be all the things that he wasn’t in life: happy, fulfilled, complete, confident, cheery, and satisfied. Al relishes in his self-made creepy image and no doubt took his demon name from a famous Alastair from his youth. 

Al’s character arc throughout the ‘show’ (there is no show, why am I treating this like genuine pitch bible blah) goes as follows:

For the first season leading up the the finale and beginning of season 2, Al pretends to be Charlie’s friend until he backstabs her and takes over her hotel to harvest the ‘redeemed’ souls so he can restart his broadcasting-takeover that was just barely stopped years before. Charlie, Vaggie, and Angel intercept him however and destroy his microphone - which holds all the souls - causing him to loose his power. Charlie personality terminates his physical form leaving only his ‘heart’, which Lucifer makes Charlie eat so that Alastor will forever be under her control. The downside to this is Al’s soul+heart+person exists within Charlie now, and he of course speaks to her within her mind, trying to discourage, belittle, threaten or taunt her plans and feelings throughout the second season. Season 3′s opening would be about the main cast trying to get Vaggie out of Heaven once they learn it’s as corrupted as Hell. Charlie needs Al’s expertise, so she vomits him up. Al agrees to help her but is obviously not happy and vows to get his freedom back. In the second half of season 3, the main characters have to lay low while the angels partake in spiritual warfare against Lucifer. So Charlie and co. escape to the human world disguised as humans. Though an agreement, Alastor comes along and aquires a foreclosed motel for the demon’s to live (he intends to trap mortal souls while he’s there, though Charlie intercepts this too). 

Angel and co. end up discovering Al’s human identity (something he tried to cover up any evidence of having in Hell) and invite his now elderly human daughter to the motel. It works too well however, and the fright of seeing his daughter again triggers an all out anxiety attack in Alastor causing him to merge with the motel. Charlie has to traverse his insides to try and get to his crumbling psyche which would be very Akira-inspired.

Meanwhile, inside Alastor’s mind we see his demon form finally baring a frown and freaking out as the pathological spirits of his victims sing to him in a radio booth about the life he’d chosen and the lives he took away from them. (Yes, this is absolutely taken from Bojack Horseman)

Once Charlie cuts to his core+Al faces the fact that there never was another demon responsible for his actions, it was always just him, Al relinquishes his hold on that motel and his physical form become that of a baby deer, whom Charlie nicknames ‘Deerlastor’. Deerlastor doesn’t appear to have any of Al’s powers, memories, or personality but Angel and the other demon’s Al’s abused insist on killing it, sure that this is just another one of Al’s weird forms. Because of Alastor’s absence, it takes a lot longer and harder for the main cast to get back to hell and help Charlie’s dad’s stop the (previously human) angels who want to wipe purge ALL of hell.

To take out the main ‘enlightened’ angel that’s in the middle of trying to purge ALL of Hell, the demon’s need a power of their own. Deerlastor agrees to sacrifice its body and because of that, Alastor pops out from the deer’s body and head on collides w. the big bad angel-villain, eliminating both their souls. Alastor gets no proper redemption arc kids, he just gets to be the one to take out the main villain.

Edward/Alastor’s daughter’s name was Lavinia and she was the closest thing to genuine ‘love’ he had in his life and the only person who obviously looked up rather than ignore or abuse Edward. When Ed was arrested and confessed to his crimes, his daughter wasn’t allowed to see him and the knowledge that her father was a cannibalistic serial killer haunted Lavinia all her life.

His crimes were not sexual. This is NOT AN EXCUSE for what he did though because - 

- two of his victims were children. Yep. 

Unlike the rest of the filth-spewing demons, Al doesn’t appreciate racism or sexism. He thinks himself a feminist for his day...despite also having killed women and children. Keep in mind he’s also from the 30s, so he’s as “progressive” as people could be for back then, AND he believes that his partial native ancestry means it’s okay to call himself a ‘wendigo’.

In reference to an oooooooooooold ref sheet Viv made for Alastor back in the day, Deerlastor gets shot in the head and dismembered a lot but always gets up like nothing’s wrong.

Alastor does not like electroswing. He likes jazz, doowop, twist, show jingles, and lots of American Folk ballads. You know, the stuff they’d jam the radio’s with back in the 30s.

Big influences on my Alastor are They Shoot Horses Don’t They?, American Murder Song, My Friend Dahmer (a graphic novel), Llamas with Hats and Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk. 

(Ima thinking of renaming my Hazbin gang to better distinguish them between the canon. Alastor’s the only one who won’t be renamed though, just probably spelled a different way. (Alystar, Alaster, Alastar))

[brandonxdylan]

Terminal Bliss (1990)

Around season 5 of my premiere binge of Beverly Hills 90210, I decided that I was officially obsessed with Luke Perry, and while riding one of my crush highs, I purchased a VHS copy of his first movie called Terminal Bliss, which has never had a DVD or streaming release. It wasn’t cheap, but now that I’ve watched it, I feel like it was worth it. You know those store brand colas that always try to look like Coke but are always conspicuously, almost subversively...off? Well, Terminal Bliss is to Bret Easton Ellis’ Less Than Zero, as Dr. Skipper is to Dr. Pepper. I don’t think I can put it any clearer than that.

But I’ll try. What follows is part review, part commentary. I know it really has nothing to do with 90210 besides the fact that it stars Luke Perry (who, for the record, is basically playing Dylan McKay here, albeit a version of him with less fucks to give), but I figured this is the best place to post it, because I know I have a few followers who share my love for our reigning Fred Andrews.

We open with some moody shots of a boat drifting on a lake at sunset, and some kids playing in the twilight as Alex, our narrator and protagonist (although tbh you won’t be rooting for anyone in this film) provides a voiceover about the time he witnessed an accidental suicide. It seems while he was a child playing in a tree, a man came up and tied a rope around a branch, planning to hang himself. But the branch breaks, and he falls to his death instead. I’m not sure if this is supposed to be real or just a metaphor, but either way it’s super pretentious and heavy-handed (as is the rest of the movie), and it will come into play later, so hold that thought.

We then transition to Alex and his friend John (played by the reason for this post) as they play lacrosse. Alex and the new girl in town, Stevie, make eyes at each other. John asks Alex, “who’s the bitch?” and follows it up with, “you fuckin’ her?” Just the first of many classy lines courtesy of John/Perry, and I’m not complaining.

After this, we move into meeting the other members of their crew, including the improbably-named Bucky, a freshman at Ohio State who deals drugs, as well as his girlfriend and “best customer” Kirsten. Also Craig, played by the late Alexis Arquette(!) who is a huge Grateful Dead fan and who seems to lift right out of this circle of friends, but is also the only one who gives a solid, believable performance and actually manages to be likable. While out for a drive, John gives Stevie acid, apparently for the first time, even though Stevie seems to have a thing for Alex, who makes eyes at her once again. Alex says in narration that because he wanted her, so did John. Also, now seems like a good time to apologize for the shit quality of these screencaps. I’m not working with primo sources here, folks.

They then go this club (which seems to have an apocalyptic jungle theme) where Stevie and Kirsten waves their arms around dreamily together.

Kirsten says she’s into Stevie’s necklace, and Stevie says without a hint of irony: “my daddy made it for me. He’s dead now.” Then they all do blow and John brings Stevie into some sort of bathroom? Storage room? Anyway, they have sex, right there in the club, surrounded by lava lamps. Alex watches (creepily), and it seems like Stevie sees Alex too, but neither one says anything.

A few months pass, and it’s established that John (sporting an adorable scholastic look: see below) and Stevie have become an item, which stresses out Alex, who tries to deal by journaling(!!) This bites him in the ass, though, as it seems he handed in his angsty, bitter, drug-fuelled musings as an English assignment (sensible), and his teacher (appropriately) interpreted them as a cry for help and showed them to his mother. When informed of this, he calls his teacher a “lying antagonistic bitch” in front of the whole class, and is promptly hauled into a parent-teacher conference where his mom says that Alex “has become arrogant and sarcastic.” I love it. Alex is told to apologize to his teacher, but requests an “alternate path.” This is the point at which I realized that Alex is a pretentious douchebag, and no, there is no redeeming character arc to come. Alex then says he’d prefer to be suspended, is suspended, and then threatened with rehab, which he likens to being “burned at the stake.” Like...what did you expect? Also, he says that Stevie had an abortion, and John makes creepy eyes at Stevie’s freshman sister Tanya. Both of these things will also come into play later. Sort of. 

Back at Chez Alex, Alex’s Siouxie Sioux-looking mom goes for a tan in her home tanning booth, as yuppie mothers are wont to do, but not before taking a Valium, which seems like a real bad idea. She tells Alex that he has to stay and watch her to make sure she doesn’t fall asleep. He does, for a minute, but then he starts getting existential, and wishing that he was aborted like Stevie’s baby so he wouldn’t have to go to rehab. Jesus Christ, Alex, grow up. Anyway, it seems like in the midst of all this, he leaves because we hear the door close, a buzzer go off, and his mom scream his name so like...is she okay? We don’t know and it’s literally never mentioned again.

At John’s super bougie graduation party, Stevie gives Kirsten her dead-daddy necklace as a token of their friendship.

After John notices Kirsten wearing it, he hits on her, but she rebuffs his advances. John: “What, a guy can’t cop a feel in his own house?” Then Kirsten implies that it’s not that he hit on her, it’s that he’s doing so “in front of the whole world.” K. But it all turns out to be a moot point anyway because Bucky walks in, which ends the conversation.

Alex gets out of rehab just in time to make it to the party, and they all go for a joy ride in the new Porsche that John’s parents gave him as a graduation present. Here, yet another reason why John is basically just Dylan McKay. Also, Stevie pulls a Footloose and almost dies but it’s chill.

They go for dinner at Bucky’s dad’s country club, where Craig does a shitload of acid, and John is a dick to Stevie, who seems to be losing interest in him. When John invites her to go to the wine cellar with him and do some blow, she refuses and so he grabs Kirsten instead, calling her a “snow bunny,” which I think is the cutest way to say “coke fiend” that I’ve ever heard. And naturally, they do each other, in addition to the blow.

Meanwhile, at the table, tensions flare inexplicably between Bucky and Alex, who puffs on a cigarette and chews the scenery like it’s turkey jerky as he rips Bucky a new asshole for no real reason, calling him out for being a privileged asshole who is destined for a life of suburban mediocrity. Jesus Christ, man, what did Bucky ever do to deserve this unwarranted tirade? He’s not even a villainous character. He’s barely even a character at all, he’s been on screen for like three minutes total at this point.

But Bucky does not take this lying down, and snatches the wig right off Alex’s head, calling him out for basically being just as privileged as he is. It’s the pot calling the kettle platinum, if you will. Anyway, their bitch-fest is interrupted by Craig who has a coughing fit (because of the acid? I guess that could be a thing). Alex takes off, followed by Stevie, and the two inadvertently interrupt Kirsten and John having sex in the wine cellar (as you do). Alex straight up sees them going at it, And although Stevie doesn’t, she sees enough to suspect. She also sees the necklace she gave Kirsten sitting on the floor, and picks it up. Kirsten’s response to all of this is to ask Alex which rehab he went to, because she thinks she’s getting too addicted to coke. Like that’s her actual excuse for fucking John. Whatever helps you sleep at night, sis.

Later, John goes to Stevie’s where he again creepily leers at Tanya, who is sunbathing by the pool. He tells her that she arouses his Lolita complex. Ew.

Then Stevie waltzes into the backyard while eating ice cream right out of the tub. This will be a recurring motif with Stevie, as you will see, as her passion for ice cream comprises about 83% of her character. John says that he has a gift for Stevie and so the two go for a drive. First, he gives her a snake (wtf?)

Then, the real gift, which is a black, oversized t-shirt (which is oddly even more wtf than the snake). As she reluctantly puts it on, John gets all weird and handsy, talking about how his babysitter used to get changed in front of him and it turned him on, and then talking about how constriction is the worst way to die (is that what the snake was supposed to represent?) This is all presumably the last straw for Stevie, and understandably so, as she tries to break it off with John, who pins her down and is alternately angry and weepy as he confesses his love for her. Eventually she wriggles free and runs off. Run, bitch, run.

A few days later, Alex shows up at Stevie’s, interrupting a dream she was having about her giving birth. What follows is the most bizarre conversation in the whole movie. First, Stevie offers Alex ice cream (again, right out of the tub, natch), saying that it’s “creamy, and dreamy, simply to die.” What’s with the hard sell? Are you a brand ambassador for Häagen-Dazs or something?

In response, Alex chooses to ignore this entirely, and instead says: “You know, music is the ultimate form of expression.” THANKS ALEX, NO I DID NOT KNOW THAT BUT THANKS FOR BRINGING IT UP EVEN THOUGH LITERALLY NO ONE WAS TALKING ABOUT MUSIC. They then take a hard turn into talking about sex. To make things stranger, Stevie gives Alex her necklace, without explanation, and starts playing the piano (is that necklace cursed or something? Why does she keep trying to pawn it off?) Alex proceeds to say some egregiously pretentious things about her choice of music (Shostakovich, for the record), as well as her choice of rendition. Around this point, Stevie gets annoyed with Alex’s presence (which makes sense), but he placates her by finally accepting her offer for ice cream. “You know, I think ice cream’s better than sex,” she says. OF COURSE YOU THINK THAT. Alex says that he can’t really comment on that comparison “...since I’ve never had ice cream.” BARF.

Then John shows up in full Dylan-mode: drunk and bitter. He tries to get Stevie to invite him in for the night, which she refutes by saying her parents are home (which they aren’t), and so Alex drives John home. En route, John warns Alex that Stevie is “a manipulative bitch.” Alex then calls out John for being a douchey nympho, and then John calls out Alex for being a know it all. Calm down, fellas, you’re both right.

At the grocery store, Alex listens to Craig go off about the virtues of the Grateful Dead, while carrying around an eggplant. They then run into Stevie and Kirsten, the latter of whom is eating a piece of fruit. When Craig asks what it is, she says “I don’t know.” Reasonable. I mean who hasn’t just picked up a piece of fruit from an unlabelled bin at the grocery store and started munching.

Stevie tries to talk to Alex (IN THE ICE CREAM SECTION), who is predictably standoffish and rude. Be that as it may, Stevie invites him to her sister’s party, and he reluctantly accepts.

Also, as a stray observation, I just wanted to point out that Kirsten always seems drunk. I don’t know if that was an acting choice, if she was directed that way, or if it’s just the way that this actress is. But in any case, it’s both ineffective and endearing, and goes a long way in contributing to the borderline surreal vibe that this movie has. Like this clearly does not take place in our world.

At the party, Bucky talks to Kirsten about their upcoming European vacation, which she seems kind of “meh” about. Then John shows up, and Tanya says that although she wants him there, she feels weird because of his relationship with her sister. Then John says it’s cool because he never really liked Stevie anyway. Tanya seems to accept this happily, which is kind of a bitch movie imo but whatever. Then, presumably for the sole purpose of stirring up an already over-stirred pot, Alex shows up to return Stevie’s necklace to her in front of all of their friends, which seems to reveal to everyone that John and Kirsten had a thing, and that Alex and Stevie KNOW they did. This motherfucking necklace, I can’t with this.

Bucky and John exchange words, with John making some low blows about Kirsten’s drug habit and how it was easy to get her to sleep with him because all he had to do was “put her on the one gram cycle.” Ouch. Anyway, Bucky retaliates (deservedly) by pushing John into the pool (which I TOTALLY called by the way).

Tanya pulls John out of the water and takes him into a bathroom to dry off and tend to his broken lip. He compliments her perfume and asks if it’s Stevie’s, which I guess is supposed to solidify his obsession with her, and to explain(ish) what he does next. He says that Stevie told him that she has a crush on him, and she admits it. Then they start making out but Tanya gets second thoughts and tries to protest. John doesn’t stop, and proceeds to rape her, all the while muttering Stevie’s name. Yikes.

Meanwhile, Kirsten apologizes to Stevie for sleeping with John. Stevie responds by screaming: “YOU ARE DISGUSTING!” This causes Kirsten to break down, and she confesses that she’s really struggling with drugs (as she literally does a line of coke), and how her dad is sending her to Europe with Bucky to save the embarrassment of sending her to rehab. Stevie softens and the two hug it out.

Craig shows up at the party with an old VW wagon to say bye to his friends before he commences his tour with the Grateful Dead for a year. Why was he in this movie again? I mean, aside from being the only likable character and serving up this LEWK:

John finds Stevie and offers her ice cream (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) as a last ditch effort to get her to go to his lakehouse, which he’s been trying to get her to do for most of the movie. She tries to say no, saying that they need time apart, but when John insists that nothing will happen because Alex is coming, she has a change of heart and agrees to leave. That very minute, for whatever reason. I mean if it were me, I’d wait until the next day instead of leaving in the middle of this huge party I was throwing, but you do you. Before they go, Tanya shows up looking devastated, but won’t tell Stevie what happened. Kirsten agrees to look after her while Stevie’s gone.

At the lakehouse, Alex says in narration that he realized that inviting both of them was just a ruse so that he could get Stevie there. No shit. They take the speedboat out and John literally drags Alex all over the lake on water skis, ignoring his signals to stop until Alex faceplants into the water. Fantastic.

Later, Stevie catches Alex reading a book on existential philosophy and low-key calls out his overwhelming pretension. Alex then shows her lines he’s drawn on his arms where he would cut if he were *actually* suicidal. He calls it “necro-masturbation” and she’s understandably put off by this weird confession. Still, instead of heeding this as the final in a long line of crystal clear harbingers of the doom to come, she ignores it and stays.

That night, during a power outage, Stevie starts up a game of Twister by candlelight, which leads to some brief albeit appreciable homoerotic play between John and Alex, and later, a makeout session between John and Stevie. Surprise, surprise. But then, Stevie pulls away and says “that was goodbye.” Goddamn.

Alex muses about how changed John is, and how worried he is about him as he sulks off by himself. The next morning, John asks Alex for help tying up the speedboat. They row out to where the boat is, chatting about acid as they go. Meanwhile, Stevie wakes up and watches from the shore as John gets on the speedboat and tells Alex just how much he loves Stevie. Alex is not having any of it, however, as evidenced by this face:

John then admits that he poked a hole in his condom in order to get Stevie pregnant. Alex calls John a “bastard” in the most dramatic of all stage whispers, as John strips down to provide the patient viewers with the first and only shots of a topless Luke Perry.

Then John leaps into the water with a rope to tie the boat to its anchor. But his foot gets tangled in the process, and he can’t surface. Alex watches, as does Stevie, neither one doing anything. Although in his defense, Alex does effectively convey some conflicted thoughts on the matter. This goes on for a minute or two until eventually, John FUCKING DIES. Alex ties all of this back to the idea of accidental suicide as introduced in the opening scene: John seemed intent on killing himself with drugs, but killed himself in a different way instead...sort of...I guess. Alex posits that even if he did cut John loose, he would have killed himself with drugs eventually anyway. FAIR FAIR OKAY ALEX BUT MAYBE LET’S BACK UP TO THE PART WHERE YOU COULD HAVE SAVED HIM BUT DIDN’T? Like I know he was a disgusting rapist junkie but basically everyone in this movie is so like fuck off with that holier than though shit pretty please?

Alex and Stevie comfort each other in silence as the film ends.

Honestly, this movie was a fucking trip. It definitely wasn’t bad enough to earn the “so bad, it’s good” badge. It was bad in a more subtle way. I feel like if I had been doing as many drugs as these characters, I would have enjoyed it a lot more. But even still, it was far from a waste of time, and managed to be entertaining in spite of its lesser qualities, which include (but are not limited to) amateurish acting, a goddamn hot mess of a script, clunky dialogue, and of course all of the super hamfisted and on the nose plot points involving drugs, rape, and promiscuity that even Beverly Hills 90210 and Riverdale wouldn’t touch.

There were some things I was kind of into though. For one, it was actually really well shot. Like, genuinely, by any film’s standards. There were some cool creative visuals, and the whole film had a music video feel to it, which kept things stimulating. As well, like I mentioned at the beginning, the movie almost manages to have a surreal, Bret Easton Ellis thing going. If you’ve seen the film versions of Less Than Zero or The Rules of Attraction then you know what I mean. But unfortunately it’s just a much worse film than either of those. With a better script, better acting, and some general polish, it could have been on par with them.

TL;DR: If you’re a fan of Luke Perry (or if ANY of what I’ve included in this post appeals to you in ANY way), then I would low-key recommend Terminal Bliss. I could see this becoming a bad movie night staple if only it were easier to find (I do not necessarily recommend paying a small fortune for a VHS copy). Also, the song that plays over the end credits is kind of a bop and I recommend that even more than the movie itself. 

If you’ve actually read through this whole thing, THANK YOU and GOD BLESS because I know this post is a fucking monster with limited appeal. But I felt it was my duty to write. Maybe I need to get a life, idk.

[trendingnewsb]

The Trump Super Fixer Who Knows Where All the Bodies Are Buried

When Stormy Daniels appeared at Donald Trumps penthouse hotel room, on the lustful summer night in 2006 that has come to haunt his presidency, the two were not entirely alone.

Trumps loyal bodyguarda towering former NYPD detective with clipped white hair and a steely expressionmet her at the door to the suite, according to Daniels account of the alleged tryst. Keith Schiller had already worked for his reality-TV star boss for seven years, ever since a chance encounter with Marla Maples in New York, and hed quickly risen through the ranks to become Trumps head of security. Now, he and his boss were in Lake Tahoe for a celebrity golf tournament and, as several women present for the bacchanalian weekend would attest, Trump was looking to get laid.

Schiller was apparently ready to help.

Earlier that day, Trumpnewly married for a third time, with an infant son at homehad visited the curvaceous, blond Daniels at a promo booth for Wicked Pictures, the adult-entertainment studio where Stormy was a contract girl. (Theyd already shared a flirty ride around the course in a golf cart, Daniels claims.) While there, Trump also ogled another blond bombshell, porn star Jessica Drake. As the women tell it, he scored both of their phone numbers. He singled out Daniels in particular for a dinner date.

As night fell, Daniels arrived at Harrahs Lake Tahoe Hotel and Casino, where Trump was staying. Eighteen floors up, and she found herself face-to-face with the hulking Schiller.

Keith was always with him, the porn star told In Touch Weekly in 2011, five years after her alleged romp with the future president. Thats how I got in touch with him. I never had Donalds cellphone number. I always used Keiths.

For a man so notoriously loquacious on Twitter, Trump has kept an ironclad grip on the particulars of his personal life.

Hes master of the NDA for his Trump Organization employees and former campaign staffers, even trying to ensure White House staff cant talk. And throughout the years, hes relied on a small cadre of fixers to help muzzle those who dared blab about his private peccadilloes. One of those loyalists is Michael Cohen, Trumps personal lawyer who was the target of a federal raid, reportedly over his role in paying Stormy Daniels to keep quiet, and possibly for his communications with The National Enquirer, whose owner David Pecker is a strong Trump ally.

The magazines parent company bought the silence of at least two people with stories that would have been spectacularly damaging to Trump just before the election: Playmate Karen McDougal, who claims she and Trump had a long affair during the same time he was wooing Stormy Daniels; and a Trump World Tower doorman who apparently had intel on rumors about a secret Trump love child.

Hes knee-deep in all of this.

Michael Avenatti, the lawyer for Stormy Daniels

The other main fixture of Trumps inner circleone of the few who seems to know all the details about all the women and, like Cohen, is a person of interest to the investigators of the Russia inquiryis Keith Schiller.

Schiller did not return messages left by The Daily Beast, and one of his attorneys declined to comment for this story.

There is no doubt that Keith Schiller knows where all the bodies are buried. Next to Michael Cohen, if Mr. Schiller ever turns states evidence, the impact on the president would be catastrophic, Michael Avenatti, the lawyer for Stormy Daniels, told The Daily Beast.

While the national focus has been on Cohen, Avenatti says Schiller is a Trump stalwart whos long been on his radar.

Hes knee-deep in all of this, Avenatti said.

Perhaps no one in Trumps inner circle, save for Michael Cohen, has the presidents trust more than Schiller. But where Cohen is brash and fiery, Schiller has remained a low-key presence in his boss shadow.

Politico has called Schiller Trumps longest-serving and closest aidethe man who is widely credited with knowing how to manage the presidents moods, his diet, what triggers him and what soothes him.

There are only two whisperers in Trump world, as far as Im concerned, one former aide told Politico last November, adding, its Keith Schiller and Michael Cohen.

As Trumps hired muscle since 1999, Schiller has allegedly facilitated Trumps extramarital excursions, socked a protester outside Trump Tower, and delivered former FBI Director James Comeys termination letter.

Schiller skyrocketed from part-time watchman to Trumps director of security in just under six years. And he followed his boss to Washington as head of Oval Office operations, where he served as gatekeeper, confidant, and fixer for Trumps McDonalds cravings. He was an interpreter, too, for frustrated aides.

The 59-year-old former detective has been described as Trumps loyal lieutenant and emotional safety blanket. Trump reportedly was crushed when Schiller departed the White House last September for a private security gig. Even Cohen was worried about how Trump would react in the wake of Schillers exit, telling Vanity Fair, I feel guilty that hes in there right now almost alone, especially now that Keith has resigned.

There are only two whisperers in Trump world, as far as Im concerned, one former aide told Politico last November, adding, its Keith Schiller and Michael Cohen.

As Schiller has maintained a low profile, Cohen catapulted to the white-hot center of the news after Stormy Daniels filed a lawsuit against him and Trump, to invalidate a hush agreement she signed in the weeks leading up to the 2016 election. She says the contract is invalid because Trump never signed on the dotted lineand because it violated public policy by suppressing her speech in order to influence the race.

Cohen is now facing more legal troubles after the FBI raided his office last week for documents relating to, among other things, his $130,000 payout to Daniels in exchange for her silence about the alleged Trump affair.

Trump railed against the search as a witch hunt, and floated the possibility of firing Rod Rosenstein, who oversees special counsel Robert Mueller, after the latter referred the Cohen probe to the U.S. Attorneys Office for the Southern District of New York.

Vanity Fair highlighted Trumplands fears of the brooding president going rogue and also firing Mueller. Trump was usually calmed by former aides Hope Hicks and Schiller, whose departures have left Trump to operate largely unchecked.

Last year, ex-campaign manager Corey Lewandowski told CNN hed regularly call Schiller anytime he needed help deciphering The Donald.

Any time I wanted to understand something, I would ask Keith, Lewandowski said. I valued him for all the roles he played.

One of those roles, apparently, was acting as liaison to women who caught Trumps interest.

Back to the Tahoe penthouse. July 2006. Stormy Daniels is on the verge of an encounter that will, a decade later, turn her into a household name and attract an astounding 22 million viewers when she spills the dirty detailsthe spanking, the unprotected sexon the venerable news program 60 Minutes. And, she says, the person greeting her at the door is Trumps buzzcutted consigliere Keith Schiller.

Oh yeah, hes waiting for you inside, Schiller allegedly told Daniels, before she entered the room and found Trump lounging in pajama pants.

After they were intimate, the porn actress says Trump promised, Im gonna call you.

I have to see you again. Youre amazing, he added.

Later that same night, porn star Jessica Drake remembers Trump inviting her, too, up to the Harrahs penthouse. She was uncomfortable going alone, Drake claimed at a press conference with her attorney Gloria Allred, so she took two other women along. (Those gal pals havent yet been identified.)

When we entered the room, [Trump] grabbed each of us tightly in a hug and kissed each one of us without asking permission, Drake told reporters in October 2016.

He was wearing pajamas, she continued. A bodyguard was also present.

The group left after about an hour of idle chit-chat. But when Drake returned to her hotel room, a man called her on Trumps behalf, according to an account in GQof Trumps Tahoe trysts. The man asked Drake if shed return to Trumps suite. She declined. Soon, she says, Trump phoned her directly and asked her, What do you want? and How much? On a third call, he allegedly wooed her with an offer of $10,000 and use of his private jet in exchange for sex. She again declined.

Drake has not publicly disclosed whether Schiller was the bodyguard at the penthouse, or whether he was the man who contacted her on Trumps behalf. Neither Drake nor Allred returned messages seeking comment.

Oh yeah, hes waiting for you inside, Schiller allegedly told Daniels, before she entered the room and found Trump lounging in pajama pants.

Yet the next evening, Stormy Daniels got a similar callfrom Schiller for sure, she saysasking if shed join Trump and his fellow celebrity golfers. When she arrived, Schiller was the one to escort her to Trump, who was schmoozing with NFL star Ben Roethlisberger.

Months later, Schiller would again greet Daniels at a Hollywood launch party for Trump Vodka and steer her to Trumps VIP section.

And in July 2007, the wingman was tasked with ushering Daniels to Trumps bungalow at the Beverly Hills Hotel. Daniels says Trump blustered about his hatred for sharks before confessing that his efforts to get her on The Apprentice had failed. Then he propositioned her, asking, So, can you stay? But shed lost interest in the mogul; she dismissed Trumps advances and left. Their meeting lasted for two-and-a-half hours. At the end of it, she says, Keith Schiller politely walked her to her car.

Former Playboy model Karen McDougal also mentioned Schiller by name last month in her CNN interview with Anderson Cooper, in which she dished about her alleged affair with Trump. The onetime Playmate of the Year met the reality star in June 2006just a month before the Tahoe bashat a party at the Playboy Mansion, where Trump was taping an episode of The Apprentice. Not long after, on a summer night in L.A., she said, Schiller picked McDougal up and drove her to the Beverly Hills Hotel bungalow, where she met Trump for dinner.

McDougal said she had unprotected intercourse with Trump that nightWe talked for a couple hours then, it was ON! We got naked + had sex, she later jotted in her notes, according to The New Yorkerand was heartbroken when he tried paying her afterward. Im not that girl, she told him. She wept in the car as Schiller drove her home.

As her affair with Trump persisted, McDougal said she got to know Keith pretty well. The 6-foot-4 protector was always involved in her communications and visits with the future president. McDougal kept Schillers phone number and the digits for Trumps personal secretary. Both would put her in touch with the real estate mogul.

Keith is a nice man, McDougal told Cooper. Yes, I got to know him. Hes funny.

A year lateron a winter eve this timeanother woman met Trump at that same Los Angeles bungalow. Their encounter would turn out to be more fraught than the presidents other romps.

As her affair with Trump persisted, McDougal said she got to know Keith pretty well.

As with McDougal and Daniels, Trump enlisted his security guard to bring Apprentice contestant Summer Zervos to the Beverly Hills Hotel. Zervos lawsuit doesnt identify the man by name, and her attorney did not return messages seeking comment on the identity of the bodyguard.

When Zervos arrived, she says her TV boss ambushed her. He kissed her very aggressively and touched her breast, according to a pending lawsuit. She repeatedly pushed the mogul away, and moved to another part of the room to avoid his advances until he finally relented and ordered dinnera club sandwich and fries. He reportedly complained about the price.

Zervos is now suing Trump for defamation, and says the Beverly Hills encounter was one of several in which Trump kissed her, groped her, and pressed himself against her without her consent. In the run-up to the 2016 election, Zervos came forward as one of more than a dozen women to accuse Trump of sexual misconduct.

Trump has adamantly denied all the womens claimsand those of Daniels and McDougalboth on Twitter and through statements from the White House. After three accusers went on Megyn Kelly Today in December to discuss their experiences with Trump in light of the #MeToo movement, a spokesperson for the president said, The timing and absurdity of these claims speaks volumes and the publicity tour only confirms the motives behind them.

Meanwhile, this past November, the House intelligence committee grilled Keith Schiller about another group of women rumored to be linked to Trump. This time, though, the setting was not at the shady greens of Lake Tahoe nor in the glittering heart of Beverly Hills, but in Vladimir Putins Russia.

It was November 2013, and Trump was in Moscow for the Miss Universe pageant. During a meeting at the Ritz-Carlton, where Trump was staying, a Russian participant approached Schiller and offered to send five escorts to Trumps hotel room, the bodyguard testified. He said he dismissed the proposal as a joke and told the stranger, We dont do that type of stuff.

Schillers comments were in reference to the so-called Steele dossier, penned by a former British spy, which alleged that Trump had engaged in perverted sexual acts with Russian prostitutes and that the Kremlin had tapes of the sexcapades as potential blackmail fodder. Trump and his team have called the Steele dossiers claims fake news and a total political witch hunt. Cohen, who is suing several parties involved with the publication of the dossier, called the report ridiculous on so many levels.

Schillers closed-door testimony about the Russian prostitutesthose beauties supposedly at the center of the infamous pee tapecame before a House panel investigating Russias meddling in the 2016 presidential election, NBC News reported.

In a contradictory bit of news this week, former FBI Director James Comey claims in his new book that Trump told him he did not spend the night at the Ritz-Carlton, and therefore the pee tape couldnt be true.

But Schiller said he informed Trump of the Russian prostitute proposition as they returned to his hotel room that night. They both laughed at the idea, and Schiller guarded Trumps door for a bit before heading to his own quarters.

Trump went to bed alone, he said.

As aide-de-camp, Schiller has learned to anticipate his boss wishes.

In August 2015, Schiller removed Univision journalist Jorge Ramos from an Iowa press conference. Trump refused to take a question from Ramos, who also wouldnt back down, prompting Schiller to stride menacingly across the stage and push Ramos out of the room.

When asked about the confrontation during a deposition, Schiller said, I took it upon myself to go and remove him, because it appeared that he was dominating the news conference, not listening or not being cordial or respectful to Mr. Trump

The deposition was for a lawsuit filed by Efrain Galicia and four other Mexican activists, who claim Trumps security guards attacked them during a September 2015 protest outside Trump Tower. Schiller had asked the demonstrators to remove an 8-foot-long Make America Racist Again poster. When they refused, Schiller ripped the sign away and headed back toward the building, the complaint says.

Galicia followed Schiller, whose back was facing him. When Galicia attempted to retrieve the sign, Schiller swung around and clocked him. (Schiller says he believed Galicia was reaching for his concealed weapon, a deposition transcript shows. He said he used a minimal amount of force to get [Galicia] off of my firearm and off of my body.)

During the December 2016 testimony, Schiller claimed hed never discussed the Galicia incident with Trump. Schiller said Trump never asked about the encounter, despite being named as a defendant in Galicias pending suit.

When asked if he always obeyed Trumps orders to remove disruptive people from events, Schiller replied, Not always, no. If someone complied with requests to be quiet, Schiller said he would let them stay.

Im not a robot, Schiller said. Its been times when it wasnt appropriate and I didnt do it.

Schiller has shied away from media interviews. But he did grant a one-hour videotaped conversation to his childhood friend, author Rich Siegel.

I spent a lot of time at bars with him, Siegel said. If he thought something was wrong, he was ready to get his fists in there… There was never a fight he strayed away from.

Siegel and Schiller grew up together in New Paltz, New York, before Schiller joined the Navy. He married his wife, Lena, when he returned home.

In 1992, he began his NYPD career as a transit cop near Yankee Stadium. In the interview with Siegel, he said he became a narcotics investigator and did cocaine busts in the Washington Heights neighborhood of Manhattan.

Schiller routinely took cases to the Manhattan district attorneys office. During one visit, he spotted Trumps second wife, Marla Maples, with her personal bodyguard. I looked at him. Totally not impressed by his stature, physical stature, Schiller told Siegel in the 2016 video. I said, if hes a bodyguard, I sure as f*** is a bodyguard.

Im no stranger to putting my hands on people, he added.

I ask the ADA, Do you know Donald Trump? He says, Yeah. I says, Can you put in a good word? Im looking for side work, Schiller said.

Trumps security boss gave Schiller a one-month trial that blossomed into a 19-year constant companionship. Every night we were out with different events. Fashion shows. Baseball games. Whatever, Schiller said.

In the beginning its a fascinating job, he said, adding, Believe me, so from where I came from, its an eye-opener and a great experience.

In 2004, Trump transferred his then-head of security to Las Vegas and needed one of a handful of part-timers to rise in the ranks.

He said, The only guy that I feel that can do this is Keith, Schiller said. I had a great rapport with Mr. Trump and I still enjoy that.

Read more: https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-trump-fixer-who-knows-where-all-the-bodies-are-buried

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