#before you get violent remember 1) you gave me permission to be gay i have receipts 2) never forget when i tried to speak my emotions

[lockwoodspecial]

FOR THE OTHER HALF OF BRENNACE,

i’m going to be completely honest when i say that i don’t know how to start this. for someone who loves talking so much ( i know you of all people are aware ), i’m actively finding it hard to know where to begin. can i hit a big cliche right away and go with the whole “holy shit it’s been 4 fucking years”? it’s funny because when i look back on our friendship, it always strikes me how totally and completely by chance it was. sure, i guess all relationships of any kind happen by chance. but there was quite literally next to nothing to tie us together. no one r/pg, no common friends, no mutual follows on personal tumblrs even. and it’s crazy to think what if. what if you hadn’t posted about wanting to do a f/orwood 1x1? what if i hadn’t been looking through the tags? what if we had never messaged each other? what if we hadn’t immediately connected and proceeded to spend hours crying about our kids on c/hatzy together? we started talking literally out of nowhere, and in a way, as ridiculously cheesy as it is, i kind of think it was fate. from that first conversation, we fell into a rhythm we’ve continued every since. we just fit. every single day i am reminded of how fortunate i am to have you in my life, but i also fully believe that the universe knew there couldn’t be a jenn without a bri. and bitch  -----  if you think that’s sappy and lame, i’m only getting started.

these four years have been some of the craziest in my life. between university and then graduating, living by myself for the first time and then adjusting to being back at home, job things and adulting, learning how to drive.....and top that all off with the most random family drama. the more and more things that happened, the more i felt like i was actually growing up and coming into my own as a person. they’re some of the most formative years, you know? stepping away from your safety net and all that. and throughout it all, you have been the one constant that i have always been able to turn to. whether it was that first time on a skype video call and you helping me hang up my map on my wall in my first apartment, to having you on the phone when i had to go to the creepy ass basement to throw out the recycling in my new building, to assuring me i could get behind the wheel and be okay, to teaching me how to fry jalapeños and laughing at me sticking plastic bags on my hands. the most random ass things but in each of those moments? they were big. and i mean then you incorporate 9 hour calls ( gaming or talking about everything and nothing, and yah i’m def averaging bc we’ve been on for way longer multiple times ), you coming with me to or from class and vice versa with you and work, me harassing your family as well as you, talking while you clean for fun ( u freak ), the 293489327589493084 texts and msgs, ton of movie nights..........and then on top of that, include both of us venting about the most random things and getting real at random hours of the night. i’m pretty sure over the span of four years i have talked to you the most out of anyone. and you have been there the most for me out of anyone. big or small, aware or not. i have always been able to count on you, confide in you, laugh with you, cry with you, harass you, grow with you, be a better me because of you. and i don’t know if you’re aware of just how much that means to me. having you as my best friend for these four years has helped shape me into who i am today so much and i am so fkn thankful for it. and always, always for you.

super lowkey but --- you’re kind of my favourite person. as harsh as you can be on yourself at times, because you can be and i know it, i’ll always be here to remind you of the total opposite. you’re one of the most genuine people that i know. you are who you are, you’re completely honest about your values, what you want, your likes and dislikes, your thoughts. and you are such a good person. we can joke continuously about how dark our souls are and stuff but you have one of the biggest hearts that i know. your loyalty to people you care about and to the right thing never wavers, and you will always go to bat for your friends. not to mention that you are a complete angel to people from your family to random strangers, and so, so good in helping out with literally everything ever. i’m not kidding when i say my parents want to adopt you. and on top of that, you are so incredibly talented and you better not doubt it. like dude, for real. the way your mind creates things, be it graphics ( pls hold ur applause at the beauty i made u, and yah i figured we’re gonna get through all our ships eventually ), or the actual poetry that is your writing, never fails to amaze me. i’m so happy i get to experience that with you. but while i could go on and on about how much i love writing with you, i’ll get gay abt that somewhere else i’m sure. you know what else? you have this amazing spirit. not only is it your drive and determination to do things and move forward, but your love to get out and do the most simple things is something that i have admired for so long. i remember when i came to visit you for the first time two years ago. man between roller blading and the movies and the flea market and random stores? we didn’t go wild, but that was one of the best weeks of my life. and that’s just a handful of things. please never, ever sell yourself short. because you’re one of the most incredible people that i know, and i mean it when i say you’re stuck with me telling you that forever.

you are my person. yah yah, you knew i would pull out the grey’s quote eventually. but never have i found something that just seems so much like us. except for this whole concept of ‘drift compatible’ - a bond and understanding between two people that is so deep that it’s kind of like at times they share the same mind ( i had to go find a post you reblogged years ago to get that meaning right and simple ). i like to think that despite all of our differences, because we are two very different personalities, that’s us. you once told me that we have a friendship that you don’t feel like you deserve. there are a lot of times where i feel like i don’t deserve you. you are patient, understanding, caring, supportive, and so, so strong and solid. you always have my back, no matter what. i could be having the shittiest day in the world and want to hate everyone but still want to talk to you. because you always make me happy. and not just in the superficial ways like we can joke around and spend hours watching animal videos or making dumb faces at the camera or weird sounds into the mic. but you know me. you say it and i deny it, but you do. you know me better than anyone and that means the entire freaking world. and you know, we talk about eventually leaving this blue hell and living together with dogs and being a general Mess and i would like to remind you that i am 10000000% serious. this is a thing that’s gonna happen. i trust you more than anyone, i believe in you more than anyone, and i’m gonna continue harassing you more than everyone forever. you are my best friend. you are the best best friend. you are my person, you’re my other half. i love you so, so, so, so much. ( get it, i did four because four years? ) thank you for helping make these four of the best years of my life. thanks for being there with me through it all. thank you for being my best friend. i think i started this gay ass rant with ‘holy shit it’s been 4 fucking years’, but....can you believe it’s only been 4 fucking years? we got our entire lives ahead of us because we’re gonna die together as old ladies probably with you beating my ass in some way. can’t wait to start that trend when i see you in one month and hug you so tight that you’ll punch me. what can i say? i love you, bitch. HAPPY FOUR YEAR FRIENDAVERSARY, HOE!     /     @fierceli

[countcalebwrites]

My military experience Pt. 2

So yeah. I left out a few things in Pt. 1. Minor stuff. The time I pretended I had to use the bathroom to give my foot a rest. I left out a lot of stuff about marching. We had to march. A lot. At specific cadence. The training instructors were trained to look at everyone’s timing at once, so you best not fuck that up. 

When you talk to a training instructor, you’re required to start the statement off with “Sir/Ma’am, Trainee [last name] reports as ordered!” Exception being simple statements like “Yes sir” and etc.You’re also required to say “permission to adjust?” if you want to move your hands while talking. The training instructor I had reminded us a lot, as if you don’t say that before moving your hands, he’s allowed to take violent action towards you.

Another thing I left out in Pt. 1 was my first lunch break. I thought lunch time would be a rather chill moment and a break from all the hostile shit, but boy was I wrong! You’re supposed to carry your food and walk a certain way or you get CHEWED out. When you walk by all the instructors who are eating, they look for things to chew you out on. Scary. You’re not allowed to talk during lunch, or you also get chewed out. I experienced this. I asked someone to pass the ketchup and my training instructor flipped. So I tried to use sign language and pointed at the ketchup then I pointed at myself. They understood. I was halfway done with my food and then lunch ended. You’re supposed to eat REALLY fast. 

Anyway, it was eventually recommended that I get transferred to med-hold. I didn’t tell my training instructor about this for a while. Idk. The news got out in my dorm that I was transferring out. Some dudes walked up to me and told me they liked me and didn’t want to see me go. That was pretty touching cause I didn’t think anyone cared about me like that. One dude asked if I ever went to LSU, and how he almost played against them as a punt returner, but he got kicked out of college for weed and ended up joining the air force as his new path.

Real shit.

Anyway, I packed all of my stuff in this heavy ass bag and got escorted to my new dorm. I had a wingman who was being seperated from training. He got into a fight with someone. He was on one of the last weeks of training, too. I figured I shouldn’t fuck with him.

We had to wait in this office to talk to this high-ranking dude before getting transferred. I was pretty bored. I decided to read the small bible they gave me at church. I got yelled at for reading that and was told to read my air manual. I was like “aight whatevs” in my head. I didn’t care what I was reading. I read some of the combat section of the manual. It told me that kicking someone in the balls is a very viable combat strategy. Word.

Got called in. Dude asked me my plans in life blah blah. Then he approved of me leaving. 

One rule I didn’t mention is the fact you’re supposed to have a hat on outside at all times. You’re also never supposed to wear it indoors. You have to develop a quick technique of folding it and unfolding it a lot to put it in your pocket. I had my heavy ass bags and etc and I forgot to put my hat back on when I walked outside. A training instructor backed his truck up and yelled “HEY YOU. NICE HAT. REAL NICE HAT YOU GOT THERE. NICE HAT MAN!!!”

My personal training instructor (who didn’t notice I didn’t have my hat on) told me to put it on. Fuckin weirdos. 

Fast-foward. I’m in med-hold. Med-hold is where you go if:

1. you are injured

2. you are overweight or underweight

3. you are suspended/about to seperate

If you fall into one of the above categories, you go to med-hold and they decide what happens next. Some people get sent back to training if they get their weight right or their injury heals. Some people get sent home after further doctor visits and etc. That was me.

Med-hold isn’t nearly as hostile as the rest of the training, but it can be. Some of the people there might have mental disorders, so the training instructors are a bit more chill. After I got briefed on everything and temporarily got my cellphone back to call my parents, I went to my new dorm. I pretty much went to sleep immediately. I was even more sleep-deprived than I was before.

When I woke up, this white dude was laughing at me saying I was in a pretty deep sleep, as he was shooting rubberbands at me the whole time without me flinching. I didn’t really know how to respond to that. His nickname was McCrazy, and you can kinda guess why they called him that.

Uusually med-hold dorms have a training instructor, but they just happened to be short on people. So we kinda had our own rule there. We had pretty crazy dorm chief. (a dorm chief is the same rank as you basically, but he’s responsible for keeping order and can tell on you to a training instructor)

One time, after we showered, he walked out naked and said “everyone admire my HUGE dick. Don’t worry, it doesn’t make you gay to admire a dick.”

One morning he woke up and began singing “I love my mamacita, I give her my burrita”

Another time he walked in and said “yo I was on a scouting mission to see what kinda bitches I can fuck when I get outta here”

This one white dude referred to him as a “stereotypical black dude” which landed him a side-eye (from me). Anyway, dorm chief basically tore his ACL during training and wasn’t allowed to go home or anything because the military pretty much doesn’t like to send people home with injuries to avoid lawsuits or something like that. 

I kept to myself for a good while, but med-hold is SO BORING. You’re required to clean your dorm and make your bed and report every morning and etc, but you’re mostly not doing anything except for talking to people in the dorm if you’re not going to one of your doctor’s appointments.

I ogt so bored I started doing a lot of real-life trolling. Like walking up to this one guy and saying “say bruh, you wanna start something?” all menacingly. Then saying “Cause you look rather educated, I think you’d make a good partner if we started a business” He laughed and told me “man I thought you were tryna fight or something”

I did this kinda stuff a lot. One day I wrapped myself in tattered sheets and told everyone I’m an ancient sorcerer who can cast spells. Don’t judge me, I had to entertain myself somehow!

Other people had their own troll routines too. This one dude I knew (we were very cool) pretended to be gay a lot. It was probably a kinda homophobic routine, but it was just hilarious to me because of how he executed it. Like one time we were all going upstairs and he yelled “mmmhmmm. get yall sexy asses up them stairs”

Then another time he walked up to me and he was like “yo man, you tryna get me to suck yo dick or something?? Walkin’ round here like that” lmao

There were a lot of hypothetical discussions and etc in our dorm. “Who would win in a fight, Hulk or Goku?” I pretty much said Goku for every hypothetical. Eventually our dorm chief chimed in and he was like “man. Y’all niggas should be picking Goku everytime for that shit”

Speaking of the dorm chief, he eventually told me “Yo Bailey. You didn’t really talk much when you first got here, but you talk a lot now. Even though you’re fucking weird, I’m glad you’re talking and shit now”

There was this one dude in our dorm, he was in charge of door duty. That’s not the official name for it but yeh, it was door duty. Basically, you sit/stand at the door and do a security clearance for people exiting and entering. People have to show ID and you’re supposed to verify it and ask them to come in. I did this duty a few times.

One time a training instructor came (you’re supposed to screen training instructors too) and I asked him to ID and he told me his name. I thought this was a trick and asked him to show ID again and he told me “OPEN THIS GOD DAMN DOOR” and I was like “*cough* access granted” and let him through.

Another time, a dude from a different dorm came and asked for our dorm chief. I told my dorm chief and he was like “yo tell him I’m not here” So I did. Then the dorm chief said “wait nevermind” and came to the door. The guy I just lied to looked at the chief, then looked at me and said “yooo you bitch ass nigga” lmao

Anyway, the door duty guy was weird. He was from Wisconsin. He told me that there’s not many black people from Wisconsin, so he wanted to “study” me. Weirdo.

Speaking of racism, this one white dude got transferred in our dorm, and I HATED him. He was really racist. He made jokes about black girls being too loud and I wanted to beat his ass. The assistant dorm chief who was afro latino basically said he was excited to bully that guy.

Every week, we were required to attend a “don’t kill yourself” meeting. It was boring as shit. But that was clearly an issue, as some people probably ended up mentally fucked from knowing they were stranded there for so long if their injury took too long to heal.

At times, it felt like I’d never get to home or return to training. 

I had a few appointments I ended up going to. One I went with this one dude, I remember his last name was Farr. He was cool. I remember we debated some random shit in the waiting room and we asked this one woman for her take and when she left he said in a semi-british accent “I must say, she had quite nice cleavage” The accent was funny cause he was definitely a southern black dude.

But yeah. to be honest, she did. He wasn’t lying. Speaking of cleavage, this might be TMI, but I thought I developed erectile dysfunction or some shit. I hadn’t been sexually aroused in so long lmao

Anyway, I also remember the TV talking about Clint Eastwood talking to a chair or some shit? Was weird. Being in military training kinda cuts you off from the rest of the world. I had no idea what kinda stuff was happening in the news. 

The foot specialist doctor who saw me told me there was pretty much nothing that could be done for my foot except surgery, and that the military wouldn’t want to pay for that.

He was right. After rehab and a few more checkups, I eventually got an orange armband. That armband means you’re getting sent home eventually.

Eventually. Like I said, it’s not a simple process. A lawyer has to terminate your contract, etc. All that waiting sucked.

I remember the A/C dying and us being allowed to go to the mall and shop and shit with our paychecks. That was cool. We HAD to leave and not stick around be cause San Antonio is hot as fuck. It was regularly 100 F and we had winter uniforms on. Some dudes bought magic the gathering cards, yugioh cards, etc. One dude bought a basketball for some reason. I didn’t really buy shit. 

I remember going to this one chicken place on the base and falling in love with the girl who took my order for my chicken tho. I was telling myself stuff like “Damn...she def wants me cuz she took my order with a genuine smile. Then I had one of my trademark inner debates. Like “nigga, that’s what she’s paid to do. She don’t want your ass. You can’t talk to women here anyway.”

The more cynical me had a point. 

Anyway, after we ate I remember us going to this old ass theater and watching a movie. It was Diary of a Wimpy Kid. I got nacho cheese on my uniform and it came right off and I was all amazed by the stain technology. Diary of a Wimpy Kid wasn’t memorable, by the way. I forgot what happened.

Oh, I forgot to mention: I was sick. I had the damn flu. Sharing space with 30+ dudes probably does that.

Remember the racist guy whose ass I wanted to beat? One time I came back and found him drinking out of my canteen. It had my name on it. I told him to keep it. Who knows what kinda germs that shithead had. $10 down the drain!

When we got our A/C back, things were a lil better. I was still pretty sick, but at least I wasn’t going through extreme temp changes anymore. We kept having our nerdy discussions. This one dude was talking about his Pokemon team and naming pokemon whose names I didn’t recognize. I was kinda upset by that cause I used to run a Pokemon fansite. Smh. He was a native dude from Louisiana. He told me if he lived in the town I’m from, he’d probably kill himself.

Aight then.

I ended up coughing a ton from being sick. Especially at night. Oh, by the way. Two people are required to patrol the dorm at night while everyone sleeps. I had that duty once. The buddy I mentioned earlier who would do the gay trolling routine told me to drink water and don’t worry about doing my patrol, he’d handle it for me. I really appreciated that. 

I didn’t want to keep people up with my coughing and sickness, so I slept in the bathroom. It’s not as bad as it sounds. One time someone walked in, pissed, and left. Then he went back in and did a doubletake towards me and went “Yo Bailey, WHAT THE FUCK”

and left.

Weeks passed. I’m still not home yet. I was getting really annoyed. Also, time seems to go by a LOT longer in a military dorm. My first day felt like an entire week had passed. One time I volunteered to help deliver some documents. That was a good idea. The people I delivered the documents for told me they’d help me get home faster for helping them.

The day finally came. My name was called. “You get to go home” I was so happy. Wearing regular clothes again felt wild. As a trainee, you’re kinda trained to move out of the way for training instructors and higher-ranked people. When I had on jeans and a t-shirt, I moved out of the way in this hallway for an instructor he was like “hah, it’s cool brotha, just pass”

I felt human again. Not being yelled at by an instructor felt legit. This one guy called me by first name, which I had to get used to again. Was kinda weird.

I got to the San Antonio airport and this one military guy saw me with documents in my hand (they were military seperation documents) he was like “yo you getting deployed bruh?” I was like “nah, the opposite lol”

Ended up at the airport in Dallas. I was alone this time. I ended up lost for 45 minutes. That airport was fuckin huge. Imagine a sick dude in an airport wandering around for almost an hour. Not pretty. My flight to New Orleans was delayed anyway though.

Finally got to New Orleans. Finally got home. Got on my computer. Played Channel Orange. I wanted to listen to that so bad for some reason.

SHE’S GIVING ME...PLEAASSSSUREEEEEE