#being comfortable with being boyish as a kid but then being insecure in less girly behavior as she gets older

[franollie]

this is going to be on my mind forever

[mindholes]

sorry I do not know how to make read mores on mobile :( I’ll edit once im on my pc again but don’t read if you don’t want to go through a long winded emotional journey with me ok thank you

just got into a big argument with my sister over the phone - for the first time in a very long time since she moved to England - that made both of us relive our childhood traumas and realize we have a lot of baggage that has been left to fester and I’m so exhausted because we’re both trying to be emotionally mindful whilst simultaneously fighting our inner demons and trauma caused by the other and the whole family dynamic in general

and my main thing when I was a kid was that everyone thought it was cute and funny to refer to me as the little runty, Tom-boyish, aggressive one. when I was a teenager, my grandma always cut my hair super short and my voice was husky so I was teased a lot for being less girly. my shoulders are also wider and I’ve always had thicker calves because of bike riding. even though I’ve always felt very sensitive, small, and soft, my whole family thought it was super funny to refer to me as a bull in a China shop, or my moms favorite “Buckbeak”. Essentially telling me I’m an aggressive animal who needs to be approached in a specific way so as not to anger me. It was to the point where they convinced me I had anger management issues. so it’s a lingering wound for me, that my family never saw me as the kind and sweet person I’ve always felt I was — to the point where they used to laugh when I wore dresses. and my sister was a kid back then too, so logically I don’t blame her, but today she spoke to me in a way that triggered that hurt so deeply, and then I accused her of insensitivity which in turn triggered her hurt.

and things are still early with me and my sweet partner and Im still at that stage where I get nervous about sharing the unhealed parts of my emotions and thoughts and experiences with him. like I was sobbing on the phone to my sister just now in a way I’ve only sobbed when talking to my family - the visceral feeling of being 10 years old again and being mistreated and misunderstood and remembering how my sister would taunt me and ridicule me while she was grappling with her own family-inflicted trauma. it’s scary to go through the last decade and a half convincing yourself you’re a completely different person now and then all it takes is a tone switch from your sister and you’re immediately back at square one and feeling like she’s about to pinpoint your exact insecurities and mock you for it

and all I felt in that moment was that I desperately wanted someone in my corner. my sister has her husband and the one other time we fought before this, when we were both shaking and sobbing, her husband immediately comforted her and reminded her that she’s a good person, that she’s loved and that she’s not evil. meanwhile I was left to fend for myself and I believed in that moment that I was evil for still feeling neglected, misunderstood, and angry.

so I ignored my gut feeling to not share anything and I just sent my partner a message letting him know like “just got off the phone with my sister after arguing and crying for an hour” and I was kind of being a little “haha” about it because I didn’t want to bother him and he immediately responded - even though he’s at work right now - saying “oh no sweetheart, you can tell me all about later, ok? I’ll be there for you, I’ll be your rock” and god he’s so corny, he’s so over the top, but he’s doing everything I’ve always wanted someone to do for me and I love him so much and am so thankful for him. he is so stable and so thoughtful and calm. he is so logical but so emotionally in tune with both himself and me and I never thought something like this would be possible. he’s so precious to me