#being very polite and restraining myself & not saying anything inappropriate :)

[dailykillermoth]

BATGIRL YEAR ONE #5 (2003)

[prorevenge]

Bully from my past decides to show up and talk smack. I get his ass fired, jailed and fined.

This takes place just a couple months ago, but I'll give some back story. In school I was bullied pretty badly. In this school bullying was unofficially popular and accepted. This meant many kids would compete to see how badly they could treat their "lessers". Among these ass hats were the clique who just hated. The type who had no reason, just that was the way they believed it was. Time passes though, I left that school, graduated at another, yet once or twice I have met my old school bullies and had to deal with them. No big special deal, just someone picking out of old habits and being told off. Otherwise everyone else I went to school with just did the same as I did and moved on. This guy was one of those who couldn't let it go and due to circumstance, I had to deal with him.

Understand I love my job. I'm a computer geek that is IT. A nice position where I get to choose how my work gets done with great pay. To me it’s a dream come true. So, with this in mind understand that I will fight tooth and nail to keep it if the need arises.

Time to start.

The whole thing started with a simple encounter. At the facility I work at we have contractors. People who come in and will do a job then leave. In this case SB (School Bully) was with one of these contracted companies who were supporting maintenance with electrical and frame work updates across the shop floor. I got one of my usual support request calls and went down to see what was up. On the way I saw him walking the opposite direction. At first I didn't recognize him, it has been nearly twenty years. So I nodded politely and moved on. It didn't click until later who he was, and at that time I decided to ignore it. I had my own job to think about.

Two days later the signs started. I was doing some stock audit work on the floor when one of the assembly workers I know (and I do know a lot of the shop floor workers.) wanted to ask me a question. I said sure, so he asked me if it was true that in school I tried to rape a class mate. I won't lie I was really taken aback. The answer of course was a resounding NO. I was pissed so I asked him who brought up such a thing. He told me that a contractor from a certain company was talking to him and a few others and brought it up. He said this guy talked a lot of hate full smack. He told me he didn't believe it but wanted to hear it from me. Fair enough. I asked for more details about the smack talking perp and his description fit SB. I was not amused.

I didn't want to deal with this, I was happy and didn't want to jeopardize that with my job by confronting a person who would just deny it. Asking the shop floor workers to back me up as witnesses wouldn't work either sense even though they are decent people, they wouldn't want to risk their paychecks for such drama.

Instead I called my brother who works as one of the maintenance managers. I convinced him to tell me were the company SB worked for was doing their work. I explained the situation and he told me to leave it be because with in a couple of months when the work is done they would move on. It was understandable, but i'm a little paranoid and wanted to keep my wits about me just in case. For about a week I stalked the group SB was with. I would simply walk by and make a note of who the shop floor guys he was working with. After SB moved on I would casually ask everyone, how things were going. The common thread was that one of the contractors on site really hated my guts and talked a lot of shit. Multiple people told me that when noticed me around he would go into small tirades about how I did this something else when we were younger. Things like how I did drugs, or I quit school because I was a waste. Things like that. The thing is that everything I heard was very nostalgic in a bad way. Everything said was a classic excuse the haters would have used. They never actually had a reason to hate me, so they would make something up. Hence why I called them the Haters.

After this I decided that it would be best to keep on damage control. I know how things can be, if a rumor is heard enough people can start to believe it. I didn't want to confront SB either sense I figured nothing would come of it. My brother was right, after a month or so this ass hat would be gone, but fate had other things in mind. My boss, being the nice guy that he is called me up one day asking if everything was ok. The rumors had gotten back to him and he wanted to ask me about them. I explained the situation and my plan for damage control. He understood and told me to keep it up. Unannounced to me he was annoyed enough to talk to SB's boss about what was going on. Which led me to my first real encounter with SB.

This happened the next night. I was heading to my car because I was done with the night. SB was waiting for me outside by the back lot. I was half way to my car when he called out.

SB: Hay, we need to talk!

I turned and saw him, but not wanting to deal with it I ignore him and continued to my car.

SB: Don't fucking ignore me, I have been through hell because of you.

He sped up and got in between me and my car. So now I have no choice but to listen, if I tried to go all the way back to the lobby he would just get in my way again.

SB: I got bitched out by my boss because of you. Someone said I was acting inappropriately while on the job.

Me: Okay, and this involves me how? (I said it all passively, figuring on playing dumb. It was obvious my boss talked to his boss getting him in trouble.)

SB: I know it was you who told my boss.

Me: Dude I didn't tell anyone about anything, I don't care, so just leave me alone.

SB: Fuck that, I know you, I know all about you, I remember the good days when we used to beat the crap out of you, I can bet you would love to have some revenge. I'm not going to let that happen by not letting this slide. You know your place or i'll beat you.

Me: ( I interrupted, I was getting pissed at this point.) Fuck you. This isn't that hell hole of a school; do you really think you could just get every one to hate me by spreading dumb rumors?

I remember this point very well, he got a real smug look on his face like some one who just won an argument. I can bet my remark let the cat out of the bag. I could also remember having to hold my self back from punching that smug face.

SB: Do you think anybody gives a shit about you? Nothing’s changed......(this is when he said it. The nickname that still pisses me off. He called me the derogatory word they called me in school. The one they used as an excuse to beat me up, or insult me. NO i'm not posting it here.) I bet I can get everyone to hate you because you know your worthless.

By this point my emotions were in the open and I think he noticed because instead of stopping he picked up momentum.

SB: I seen you and that fat fuck of a wife around town, maybe i'll tell her to. I can bet she would kill herself if she knew what a (nickname) you are. What are you upset, are going to cry like you use to? How about this, i'll say what I want when I want or find you and your fucking wife and beat you to death! I'll leave you alone to think about what I said and i'll see you tomorrow, fucking (nickname).

He left it at that and walked off. I stood there for a bit and thought. I was now seething. I really wanted to turn on the ass hole and punch his lights out. But I know if I did I would just get fired because of the no tolerance rules we have. Then I had an idea, he was right, by this point I wanted revenge. He insulted me and my 5-month pregnant wife. Nope, not going to put up with this shit.

I went home and vented the event to my loving wife, who listened and gave me a well needed hug. The next day I went into motion. The first thing I did was talk to security, they had cameras for the parking lots, so I requested the video for the time frame SB and I had our little chat. The video didn't have audio but at least I had proof of his approach. This is why you become friends with the other departments ladies and gentlemen, you never know when you will need their help and help they did. They found exactly what I needed. The video showed him come up on the back lot and hiding behind the fence, then it showed his approach as I was walking to my car. It made it obvious he was waiting for me sinse he had no reason to be there. They copied the video, and per my request sent it to my boss, and to site VIP. The VIP is the guy who runs the entirety of the plant. VIP is just the IT nickname. I then called my boss and explained the email and what happened. I also explained that I sent it to the VIP. So we ended up scheduling a meeting later for that day. It was just me, my boss and VIP. It was mainly to explain the video and what happened. During the meeting the VIP got the contracting companies owner on call. I then once again explained myself. I explained SB's threats and that I have felt like my safety was put in jeopardy. My work place has a no tolerance rule for threats like this so I knew it would be taken more seriously if I added that in.

Now for the results. During the talk after I explained what happened, the contracted company told us they would fire him, because to not do so would risk the contract they had with us. My VIP also called the police as per the rules for anything like this. The police came, took a statement from me, my boss, saw the video and then arrested SB during his lunch break due to the threats of violence. A week later I got a summons to court to speak on my behalf. I told the judge what happened as I told my boss and VIP. I wasn't told what SB was charged with sense the county decided to charge him on their own, but I do know he spent a small amount of time in jail and got a fine. After that I was allowed to get a restraining order just in case.

This kind of thing still peeves me off, but I wanted to type this up while it was still fairly fresh. I also wanted to wait until things were said in done. I was told by a lawyer I asked before writing this that sense his trial is over the matter can't be overturned because of what I wrote here.

Also for those curious VIP is basically the manager of the entire plant, but calling him that actually makes his role seem less then it really is, so calling him VIP seemed more fitting to me. Also note that I can't release the video, its company property and I don't want to get fired.

(source) (story by Atlusfox)

[rpleaseikemensengoku]

Sake

Hi hi!

Admin Torrie here I wanted to let you know that the Fair Meg and I worked through a bit of inappropriate fun!

Meg was our daring MC getting tipsy at a Sengoku party for warlords while I urged her forward as Hideyoshi!

Character changes are signaled with and ellipsis (…)

Happy reading!

WARNINGS: Alcohol 

Sake

Mai was sitting between Hideyoshi and Mitsuhide tonight, the two of them glaring over her head as they usually tended to do whenever they were in the near vicinity of each other. She rolled her eyes and poured two saucers of sake, handing them to the both of them without a word and picking at the remnants of her dinner. 

Mitsuhide turned towards the lady sitting primly between them, taking the carafe and pouring her a saucer in return, watching keenly as she thanked him with a smile, only sipping at it. “Why is it you only stick to one drink, Little Mouse? One would think you’d be comfortable around us after 2 months, don’t you think?” She flushed a little, her hands faltering on the saucer and nearly dropping it. “Um… well I. I’m not exactly. I’ve never been particularly good at holding my drink. I don’t think anyone wants to see me with my hair down so to speak.” His smirk widened, his eyes glittering as he leant forward a little, “really now? I think it would make for a rather interesting display myself.”

…

“Leave her alone Mitsuhide.” Hideyoshi nearly barked, several drinks in himself. “Ignore him Princess. Drink however much makes you comfortable.”

He admired the way she carried herself. So much softer than the women that followed him around in town. Though that wasn’t to say she didn’t have confidence. He had nearly taken her life for insurrection all those months ago when the met.

His lips loose from the alcohol he voiced his amusement at the thought. “Though if this is you acting restrained I’m curious to what sort of belligerent tone you take on this time.”

... Her eyebrows raised and she slowly turned her head to face Hideyoshi, a dangerous gleam in her eyes. “Is that your way of saying I’ve got a big mouth Hideyoshi??” Ah yes, she still remembered the days clearly when he’d nitpick her every mood, obvious still got a small chip on her shoulder. Mitsuhide’s lips twitched in amusement, chiming in, “don’t worry Little Mouse. You could never hope to beat Hideyoshi when it comes to making a fool of yourself while under the influence. However much you drank.” …

“I beg your pardon Mitsuhide!” Hideyoshi felt his cheeks flare at the foxes comment. “I’m not that bad! Besides not everyone can have your constitution.”

Slightly embarrassed he swirled his sake in the saucer, wondering if maybe he needed to pace himself better. No, that was just what Mitsuhide wanted! With a triumphant smile he finished his drink and looked at Mai.

“Would you be so kind?” He bowed his head politely, hoping she would pour for him.

… Mai tried to hold on a laugh, her lips twitching at Hideyoshi’s reaction as she obliged. She set the carafe back down with a thoughtful hum, glancing between the two men and then back to her own saucer, finishing her drink. “Then… perhaps it’s okay?” She mused, wondering if she really should relax for one night. She turned to Mitsuhide first, a questioning look in her eyes that he instantly answered, smug over the fact that he’d been asked over Hideyoshi. “Of course, Princess.” She held up her now full saucer, smiling warmly at the two of them, “Kampai!”

…

“Kampai…” it came out as a mumbled cheer, the disappointment over having Mitsuhide poured her drink visible in his actions.

Still it was rude not to respond, drinking faster than normal to bolster his spirits he sighed as he relaxed his posture. The room had taken on a sort of happy glow everything brighter, specifically the princesses smile.

…

Rather than sipping it like she had done earlier, she knocked it back this time, swallowing and beaming once she was done, growing more confident by the minute. It did feel nice to relax and drink again, almost like she did with friends back in modern day. She elbowed Hideyoshi playfully, placing her saucer down, “why the long face Hideyoshi-san?” Mitsuhide was snickering to himself as he watched him.

…

“My face is not long!” Hideyoshi flared a brilliant shade of read before he promptly ducked his face behind his hands. Was his face long? Did he look upset? Damn, he’d need to get better at that.

He glanced over at Mitsuhide who had taken to snickering at the pair, that could only mean one thing. Danger. Though maybe he could learn a thing or two, Hideyoshi sat up straight and gave his best sneer. Trying desperately to imitate Mitsuhide’s general impassive enjoyment of the situation. It didn’t work.

… “A-ah… did I upset you?” She winced slightly at his reaction, reaching out a hand to pat at his forearm. “You’re uh… making a bit of a weird face there Hideyoshi.” Mitsuhide outright choked on his sake, turning his head to hide his wheezing laughter. “T-that’s his normal face Mouse.”

…

Defeated, Hideyoshi slumped forward. Sipping the drink in front of him, he pouted while Mitsuhide and the Princess poked fun at his attempt to imitate the fox’s face. So maybe that wasn’t his best idea. That’s when it hit him.

Hideyoshi poured the princess another glass with an innocent smile. “I guess I have to wipe my poor attempt at imitation from your mind.” He snickered flashing a bright smile at Mai.

… Mai laughed, not catching on to what he meant, but charmed by his smile. “I guess so. Kampai!” She cheered at him again, slowly tipping the saucer back with a hum, wiping her mouth after. “This isn’t so bad,” she decided out loud, maybe a little louder than she’d intended, flushing slightly at the eyes that glanced up, eeping and clutching her cup closer.

The sake wasn’t as strong as she thought it was though, or maybe her tolerance had gotten better??

…

That’s was cute. She was cute. Mai May be embarrassed but at least she seemed to be enjoying herself. It wasn’t very often he got to see the princess let loose, it was refreshing. Watching her have fun. She deserved it after all the hard work she did in the castle.

Hideyoshi, caught up in the moment, finished off another drink and turned to her. “I’m glad you’re having fun Princess. You deserve it.”

…

“Mm!” She smiled happily at him, leaning slightly against his arm as she held out her cup to him. “Pour me another, Hideyoshi?”

…

“Of course Princess.” his whole body warm from the alcohol, or was it her touch? Who was to say. Hideyoshi shared a triumphant smile with Mitsuhide before pouring the last of their sake into Mai’s cup. “That’s the last of it.” Hideyoshi proclaimed with a warm chuckle.

…

She tipped it back, swallowing slow and savouring the taste with her eyes closed. She’d gotten used to it now. The burn was slow, the feeling of tipsiness hitting her later than she’d even realised when she moved her head and the world was slow to catch up. Oops. Mai tipped her cup back again to catch the last of the dregs, not noticing that she was leaning too far back until she felt hands catching her, “whoop!”

…

Hideyoshi watched as she teatered back, quickly putting his arms out to stop her fall. It’s not like it would have hurt but that ever present worry in the back of his mind wouldn’t allowed her hit the tatami. “I’d say you’ve had enough princess.” Hideyoshi whispered as helped right her. “Can I take you to get some fresh air?” He asked blatantly ignoring the way the world seemed to spin when he moved too fast.

None of that mattered though, his own well-being that is. So long as Nobunaga and the princess were taken care of he’d be willing to make sacrifices. He waited for her answer, giving her a stern look as he offered his hand to help her up.

… She giggled, covering her mouth and deliberately rocking side to side, “I think so! Yeah that’d be great. Thanks Hide- Hideyoshi~” She hiccuped a little before taking his hand, breaking out into fresh giggles once she was on her feet, swaying into his chest. “Ahhh~ Take me away~” The alcohol hit her in a rush as she had stood, feeling way drunker than she had thought earlier.

…

What was happening? He flushed, though his cheeks were already red from the alcohol so he doubted anyone would notice. Right? “As you request.” He responded as he swooped the princess up off her feet. “Hold on tight.” He whispered before announcing to the room you were no longer feeling well so he would be taking you back to your room.

Finally alone out in the hallway, Hideyoshi made a beeline for the hallway close to the gardens. Hoping to get the two of you fresh air.

...

Mitsuhide just watched them with a raised eyebrow and a smirk. Oh he’d have so much material to tease them with come the morning. Mai had squeaked as she was swept up, holding loosely onto the front of his robes, blinking in disorientation. As she got used to it, she didn’t protest, just snorted softly and made herself comfortable, laying her head on his chest and tracing little circles with her fingertips. “Where’re we goin’ Hideyoshiii… This isn’t the way to my room…”

…

“I know princess, I offered fresh air.” He glided through the hallways, taking care to to knock the princess into anything as he weaved his way through the narrow hallways. “So I’m taking you for air.” He said as a burst of wind hit his face, finally making it out into the gardens.

… She sucked in the fresh air, taking in a deep breath and letting it out in a slow sigh. Ah the cool air was nice. “Mmmm… you gonna let me down then?”

…

“Ah sorry princess.” Hideyoshi scrambled, gently putting her down. Making sure she was steady on her feet before he stepped back. “Shall we walk? Or do you want to sit and enjoy the night air?” He asked her, slightly concerned by the chill outside.

...

“Mmm, let’s walk. It’s nice out,” she hummed, taking a moment to stand straight before glancing around. And then she took off without him, giggling as she jogged lightly along the hedge lined paths of the garden. “C’mon Hideyoshi! So slooow!”

…

“Ha-hang on!” He stumbled over his words and his feet. Chasing after her, impressed that she was able to move that quickly in the confines of her kimono. “Princess wait!”

… “Why wait? This is no time for waiting!” She whirled on her feet, twirling and laughing in the moonlight before ducking down another pathway, hopping alone the small round paving stones surrounding the small pond. Then she paused, leaning down to look at her reflection in the water.

...

When Hideyoshi leaned over them he could see her smile on the surface of the water. She looked happy and a warmth bloomed in his chest. “Careful not to fall in Mai.” his voice was low, soft, happy as he huffed. Chasing after her had been harder than he anticipated and he liked that too.

She was different from most of the women he knew. The princess, if she was one, not that he questioned his Lord, Mai was just different. Much more energetic and resourceful than your average woman, let alone princess. He was fond of her, overly so sometimes, he thought.

…

“Ah, you caught me,” she joked as she turned to look at him, gently bumping his shoulder with hers. Mai shifted sideways so she was sitting on the ground, her legs crossed daintily, happily leaning against his shoulder. She looked down into the water again, her face peaceful. They could see the reflected sky in the water and she soon turned her face up to see them unmirrored. “Aren't the stars beautiful, Hideyoshi?”

…

“So they are.” He mumbled as he looked up, having not noticed them before she mentioned them. “You talk about the stars a lot. Can you not see them where you’re from?” He asked innocently trying to make as much conversation as he could. Truth be told, he and many of the others, didn’t know much about the princess, that includes where she came from. Some days it seemed as if she had just dropped from the sky.

…

“Not really. Not like this,” she seemed to turn melancholy at the reminder, her smile fading. “There’s so much smog it clouds their brightness. There’s so much light on the ground it blocks out theirs,” alcohol seemed to make her somewhat poetic. She thumped her head back on his shoulder, her eyes drifting half shut as she reached up to the sky as if trying to catch them.

…

Why was there smog? How did they get their fire’s so bright it blocked out the light from the stars? Is that how they got all that smog. Hideyoshi tried desperately to wrap his mind around what the princess was saying. Was it because he was drunk? Is that why he couldn’t understand?

“I’m sorry princess. I didn’t mean to upset you.” he whispered as he wrapped an arm around her shoulders. She smelled wonderful, though he didn’t know like what? Most of her was a mystery but maybe that’s what drew him to her most days.

…

“It's so beautiful here. And none of you seem to appreciate it. You're all too busy with your stupid wars.” She sighed, leaning her full weight on him. “It's so ugly where I'm from. And yet I still miss it.”

The princess paused, reaching for Hideyoshis hand to play with his fingers. “Do you have any family, Hideyoshi?”

...

“I guess that depends on what you count as family. I have Mitsunari and my men. Nobunaga if he was generous enough to consider someone like me. Biologically no, not anymore.” He smiled sadly looking up at the stars, trying to wonder what a world without them looked like. He let the princess play with his fingers, especially when she looked around happily like that. Besides, it felt nice.

“If you miss it. How-” Hideyoshi paused trying to tread the water carefully. “How about I take you back sometime?”

…

“You couldn't. But… I appreciate the thought.” She bit her lip, trying to find a way to describe it. “I've been. Exiled. From my town. But my family is still there. My little brother, my mother. I don't know if I'll ever see them again.” It had been months since the wormhole. What must they think of her suddenly going missing?

Tears were suddenly rolling down her cheeks and she turned her face to hide it in his neck, muttering an apology.

…

Hideyoshi suddenly felt very protective of the princess. Turning to cradle her in his arms trying to sooth her by petting her head down her hair. “I’m sorry, I had no idea.” He rocked her back and forth waiting until she seemed to calm down. He knew what it was like to be alone and it broke his heart that the princess was feeling that way. “What do you say? Should we head back?” Hideyoshi asked as he swiped his thumbs over her cheeks drying her tears.

…

“Mmm. Sorry. I don't usually… let it affect me like this haha. This is why I don't drink sake!” She declared, sniffling a little and giving a watery laugh. His soft touch was helping wonderfully though, and she couldn't help cupping his large hand to her cheek, taking comfort in it for just a moment.

…

Hideyoshi’s heart took up a hurried pace, racing in his chest. That was the alcohol right? It had to be. He smiled down fondly down at the princess, enjoying the way her small hands barely covered the tops of his hands. She was tiny wasn’t she. “No need to apologize Mai, I am partially to blame. I did encourage the drinking after all.” He let a low chuckle sound from he back of his throat.

…

“Well next time I'll make sure we stick to lighter topics,” she gave a small giggle, getting to her feet and stretching slowly, barely hiding a yawn beneath her hand. “Time for bed, I think.”

…

“Are you okay to walk? Or would you like a ride?” He asked as he bent down offering the princess a piggy back ride. The sky lighting up a little more as she laughed. He would see to it that she made it to her room safely regardless of how she let Hideoyshi escort her.

...

She wouldn’t protest to the ride, reaching up to put her arms around his neck and snuggling close. Ah, he was so warm. And tall. The ground looked far down from here. She snorted out loud at the thought, resting her cheek on his shoulder. “You’re so tall Hideyoshi. It’s nice.”

…

Now that made him laugh. Had she just snorted? What a funny little woman. “Oh? You think so?” Hideyoshi squeezed where he had gripped her thighs happy she was at least enjoying herself. “Are you enjoying the view?” He sported a smile as he slowly made his way out of the garden and back towards the castle, the moon now high in the sky as lanterns sparkled in the distance lighting the path back to the castle.

…

“Yes! I feel tall. I must look tiny to you huh?” She was laughing at the thought, imagining herself the size of a bug. “Like a small insect. You don’t think I’m an insect right Hideyoshi?” …

“Of course not princess. I wouldn’t even entertain the thought.” Hideyoshi looked mock offended as he traveled carefully back up the pathway. “Am I just some giant to you?” he snickered giving a little hop to resituate the princess higher on his hips.

…

“No!! Well. Yes.” She snickered, waving a hand, “but you also have several other great qualities!! Like… you are… hmmmm.” Mai tapped her lips in thought, a sly smile coming to her face. “You are…..” …

“I am what Princess? Other than waiting?” he snickered again watching her struggle to compliment him. Was it really so hard? The alcohol on his brain began to nag as his thoughts spiraled, no. Stop. He knew he had great qualities. She had to be teasing him. Right? His pace slowed to a near stop as his grip on her loosened as he stood lost in thought.

… “You are… Reliable. An’ strong. An’ responsible. An’ han’some…” She murmured into his shoulder, blushing a little as she complimented him openly, right into his ear. “An’ kind. Very kind…” Mai snuggled into the back of his neck with a sigh, “I like that.”

…

This time Hideyoshi had stopped moving for a different reason. Not anticipating the sting of compliments the princess had just string together for him. “I- I, uh,” he didn’t know what to say. Spit it out Hideyoshi. “Thanks you Princess.” His chest was warm and his cheeks took on a blush that spread to his ears.

Unsure of how else to respond he picked up walking again, deciding he would take a more leisurely pace back to her room. He was enjoying her warmth against his back, much different from the warmth of his blush and the sake.

...

She nodded with a soft laugh, sensing his embarrassment. “How come you shake off all your admirer’s compliments so easy but you stop short at mine huh? Y’don’t believe me? S’that it?”

…

“Those women don’t really mean it.” He turned his face to smile her as best he could. “You’re much to sincere princess.” He chuckled as he gave her thighs a squeeze. “Of course I believe you.” Hideyoshi murmured sheepishly.

…

“Good,” she huffed, satisfied. Otherwise she’d have to find some way to prove it to him and she had no idea how to do that. Mai yawned on his back, closing her eyes and laying her head on his shoulder. “You’re also pretty comfy.”

…

His shoulders shook in a laugh as she relaxed into him what a funny, adorable, young woman. “I’m glad I can assist you in your pursuit for comfort.” He paused trying not to shiver as her breath hit his neck. Oh. “Let’s get you to bed, how’s that sound?”

…

“That’d be nice,” she murmured, her lips moving against his neck, brushing just gently enough and struggling to stay awake. She was totally dozing by the time they’d gotten back inside, breathing soft, certain of her safety in Hideyoshi’s hands.

…

That walk back to her room was quiet, though Hideyoshi kept his blush the entire journey. Her soft sleepy breaths against his neck keeping him flustered. Gently, he set her down and propped her up against a sturdy wall until he had her futon set up. Careful not to wake the princess as he laid her down in her bed.

…

And yet, she stirred as she was laid down on the futon, murmuring his name, “Hideyoshi…” She looked sleepily up at him, her hair fanning out on her pillow and beckoning for him to come closer. …

Hideyoshi sat down next to her head, leaning over her as he was beckoned. “Yes princess?” He questioned, wondering what she might need. Depending on the task he may need to find a hand maid.

…

She reached up a hand to cup his cheek, slowly leaning up and pressing a kiss to his lips. Her lips were soft and warm but the kiss was firm. Intentional. “Goodnight,” she whispered, her breath ghosting over his lips before leaning back and snuggling underneath her covers, asleep a few seconds later.

…

Frozen, Hideyoshi was frozen. There was no way that had just happened. No, that had to have been his imagination, or the alcohol. Why would the princess kiss him of all people? After a moment of panic his features softened as he twisted his fingers through her hair. He smiled down gently at the princess, dream or no, he was happy. Very happy. “Goodnight princess.” He murmured before clearing the sleep tangled strands away from her forehead and standing to take his leave.

It had been a good night, a very good night indeed.

…

fin

[mychemicalrant]

Getting it on Both Ends

There’s kind of a weird emotional set of walls that someone with aspergers has to walk between. On the one hand, we are visibly set apart from everyone else through our appearance, behavior, interests, etc. On the other hand, we’re not visible enough, so we get accused of all manner of ill intent. This plays out in the following ways:

Wow, you’re autistic.

So I recently went on an interstate trip that, while challenging in many respects (lots of socializing with strangers, changing sleeping environments), went surprisingly well. My dad and I then met up with some old family friends of his, people who had known me since before I was born. They have a stunning, beautiful, amazing, accomplished, incredibly gifted and experienced 19 year old neurotypical daughter who they couldn’t be more proud of. Like, this kid was a superstar in high school and in their little community with friends, boyfriends, admirers from all over. Now she’s working with children and going to college for a degree in Awesome Incredible Career. I...am a 30+ year old job-challenged newly diagnosed autistic with few friends, no car, and have just moved back in with my parent. Suffice it to say my self esteem was a little low. I’ll admit, by this part in the trip I was incredibly weary of traveling and socializing. We had taken this very cross-country trip 15 years ago to see these same people and I remember having a panic attack the whole week from being so far from home, but that’s another story. My point is, I was visibly off. I went outside to spend time by myself, I stimmed like crazy, I drank ungodly amounts of beer, I ate a ton (because eating is readily available and encouraged in that part of the country), and I hyperfocused on a few of my travel interests. I’m a huge fan of collecting things and I like to collect certain things while I’m on the road, so I ended up dragging everyone along to search for these items.

Things were going pretty well, I guess, but in the back of my mind I was stressing. Was I coming off too weird? Too excited? Too distant? Too uncomfortable? I didn’t want to embarrass anyone but I knew I was slipping into the end of my rope. I had just spent one and a half weeks in hotels/stranger’s houses meeting an endless stream of new people in a strange area I wasn’t familiar with. And, like it or not, I’m autistic and always have been even if I didn’t always know it. But there’s something poignant about growing older and still seeing yourself acting outside of your age-appropriate behavioral expectations in front of people much, much younger than you who are absolutely nailing maturity. After all my worrying and insecurity about this...I overheard a conversation I probably wasn’t supposed to hear. The daughter was talking to her dad who has, again, known my parents since before I was born and visited frequently when I was a child. He knew my mom before she died. And he said “...ever since [my mom] died mychemicalrant’s been....weird.” And his daughter said, “Oh, I thought mychemicalrant was nice!” It was a very humbling moment, I guess. I am really nothing at all like my mom, which I think is part of this observation, but the fact of it is that I have had my weirdness blamed on my mom’s death since I was ten. And that never feels good. Because I know I’m really being blamed for autism, and that is something that I can’t help. Getting over tragedy is something that society expects you to do and also provides a context for my inappropriate level of development, but...that’s not what it is. So, ouch.

You can’t be autistic, that’s bullshit!

Anyway. So I’m licking this wound slowly on the drive home. My dad doesn’t say anything to me about my “behavior” (like he would have had to do when I was growing up) so I figure the moment has passed and he’s unaware of the whole thing. See, my biggest fear is my dad getting blamed for my behavior. Like, my parents were always critical of me to a point, but my dad is an Enneagram 9 and he lets things be what they are for the most part. But being a single parent and having a “troubled’ child attracts unwanted attention, and I’m scared to death that my autistic presence will cause some of the legal ruckus it caused when I was a kid. That’s...well, that’s another entire story, and maybe entirely TMI for tumblr. Back to the present: I get home and call my friend to tell her of this experience and how it made me feel. She was sympathetic about it, which encouraged me to share some really good news from my vacation:

I made a new friend who is really fascinated in me (cool) and this person friended me on FB. In doing so, she found my months old Autism Diagnosis Coming Out post and commented on it, which bumped it up to everyone else’s timeline. I had thought everyone had seen it and chosen not to say anything, but suddenly I was getting a stream of supportive and loving messages from old friends, including a friend of mine who is pursuing their own diagnosis right now. !! I was very excited about this, and mentioned it to my friend on the phone, who knows this person. And suddenly all of the polite, restrained, “You’re undergoing a spiritual journey right now that means you will overcome your autism when you’ve learned XYZ spiritual lessons” in regards to MY diagnosis became “There is no way they’re autistic, they’re a fucking spoiled only child who got everything they wanted from their mom because they threw a tantrum if they didn’t, they are autistic like I’M autistic, please!” Me: This friend got along with their mom as well as you get along with yours?? My friend: Yeah, exactly, [Friend] is exactly like me! A spoiled only child who didn’t learn social skills because their parent didn’t teach them! Me: ...You know I’m an only child too, right? My friend: Oh, but your situation is TOTALLY different, I mean, blah blah blah...

Yikes. This conversation has stuck with me. First of all, I’m really proud of my other friend for seeking a diagnosis. I have always known they struggle with some form of executive dysfunction and a diagnosis makes that make so much sense. I’m super proud that they are pursuing this path. Also, it does not surprise me that my friends might also be on the spectrum or otherwise neurodivergent because these are the people I was closest with. I um...don’t have the heart to tell my friend in the aforementioned conversation that I strongly suspect she may be somewhere near the spectrum, too. My point is, not everyone believes me when I tell them I have autism because they have a built in, violent, cruel, irrelevant stereotype of autism in their minds. (My friend worked with troubled children from broken homes who included kids with autism, and naturally these kids looked/acted nothing like me.) But it was the vitriol with which she body slammed our mutual friend while pretending to begrudgingly accept my diagnosis that took me aback. It made me think a lot: if my friend who is seeking a diagnosis doesn’t have autism and is instead a spoiled only child who didn’t learn to socialize (this person is actually extremely empathic, generous, and creative), why does my other friend think they are pursuing a diagnosis? I didn’t have the energy to ask, but I had a few guesses. And none of them reflected well on my friend’s feelings towards me and my diagnosis. So, there you have it. On the one hand, I’m so “weird” I’ve had the cops and CPS called on my family to investigate potential abuse because my behavior indicated that something was seriously wrong at home, and growing up I was a constant source of embarrassment for my parents. On the other hand, I can’t possibly be autistic because only little boys who bite and scratch and hit their moms with broken bottles are autistic. It’s an uncomfortable place to be. I’ve had legitimately had my feelings hurt by being called out for being autistic and called out for "not really having autism” in the same week.

I think this is not unusual for those who would otherwise have fallen through the cracks, diagnostically-speaking. But, here’s where I’m at right now emotionally. I am trying to adjust to life in a new place (that part is going really well) and adjust to my new understanding of myself as autistic. This isn’t easy when I have to oscillate between shame (I really am autistic and this does have social consequences, not just for me but for those around me) and worry that I’m not “autistic enough” and I’m somehow defrauding those who are truly disabled or lying to everyone about my condition. In other words, I am still trying to define my relationship to autism. I have a lot of pain and shame to wander through first.

[lastsonlost]

AN SJW ALMOST CAME CLOSE TO SELF AWARENESS.

There is a particularly aggressive strand of social justice activism weaving in and out of my Seattle community that has troubled me, silenced my loved ones, and turned away potential allies. I believe in justice. I believe in liberation. I believe it is our duty to obliterate white supremacy, anti-blackness, cisheteropatriarchy, ableism, capitalism, and imperialism. And I also believe there should be openness around the tactics we use and ways our commitments are manifested over time. Beliefs and actions are too often conflated with each other, yet questioning the latter should not renege the former. As a Cultural Studies scholar, I am interested in the ways that culture does the work of power. What then, is the culture of activism, and in what ways are activists restrained by it? To be clear, I’m only one person who is trying to figure things out, and I’m open to revisions and learning. But as someone who has spent the last decade recovering from a forced conversion to evangelical Christianity, I’m seeing a disturbing parallel between religion and activism in the presence of dogma:

1. Seeking purity

There is an underlying current of fear in my activist communities, and it is separate from the daily fear of police brutality, eviction, discrimination, and street harassment. It is the fear of appearing impure. Social death follows when being labeled a “bad” activist or simply “problematic” enough times. I’ve had countless hushed conversations with friends about this anxiety, and how it has led us to refrain from participation in activist events, conversations, and spaces because we feel inadequately radical. I actually don’t prefer to call myself an activist, because I don’t fit the traditional mold of the public figure marching in the streets and interrupting business as usual. When I was a Christian, all I could think about was being good, showing goodness, and proving to my parents and my spiritual leaders that I was on the right path to God. All the while, I believed I would never be good enough, so I had to strain for the rest of my life towards an impossible destination of perfection.

I feel compelled to do the same things as an activist a decade later. I self-police what I say in activist spaces. I stopped commenting on social media with questions or pushback on leftist opinions for fear of being called out. I am always ready to apologize for anything I do that a community member deems wrong, oppressive, or inappropriate- no questions asked. The amount of energy I spend demonstrating purity in order to stay in the good graces of fast-moving activist community is enormous. Activists are some of the judgiest people I’ve ever met, myself included. There’s so much wrongdoing in the world that we work to expose. And yet, grace and forgiveness are hard to come by in these circles. At times, I have found myself performing activism more than doing activism. I’m exhausted, and I’m not even doing the real work I am committed to do. It is a terrible thing to be afraid of my own community members, and know they’re probably just as afraid of me. Ultimately, the quest for political purity is a treacherous distraction for well-intentioned activists.

2. Reproducing colonialist logics

Postcolonialist black Caribbean philosopher Frantz Fanon in his 1961 book Wretched of the Earth writes about the volatile relationship between the colonizer and the colonized, and the conditions of decolonization. In it, he sharply warns the colonized against reproducing and maintaining the oppressive systems of colonization by replacing those at top by those previously at the bottom after a successful revolution.

As a QTPOC (queer, trans person of color), I have experienced discrimination and rejection due to who I am. I have sought out QTPOC-only spaces to heal, find others like me, and celebrate our differences. Those spaces and relationships have saved me from despair time and time again. And yet, I reject QTPOC supremacy, the idea that QTPOCs or any other marginalized groups deserve to dominate society. The experiences of oppression do not grant supremacy, in the same way that being a powerful colonizer does not. Justice will never look like supremacy. I wish for a new societal order that does not revolve around relations of power and domination.

3. Preaching/Punishments

Telling people what to do and how to live out their lives is endemic to dogmatic religion and activism. It’s not that my comrades are the bosses of me, but that dogmatic activism creates an environment that encourages people to tell other people what to do. This is especially prominent on Facebook. Scrolling through my news feed sometimes feels Iike sliding into a pew to be blasted by a fragmented, frenzied sermon. I know that much of the media posted there means to discipline me to be a better activist and community member. But when dictates aren’t followed, a common procedure of punishment ensues. Punishments for saying/doing/believing the wrong thing include shaming, scolding, calling out, isolating, or eviscerating someone’s social standing. Discipline and punishment has been used for all of history to control and destroy people. Why is it being used in movements meant to liberate all of us? We all have made serious mistakes and hurt other people, intentionally or not. We get a chance to learn from them when those around us respond with kindness and patience. Where is our humility when examining the mistakes of others? Why do we position ourselves as morally superior to the un-woke? Who of us came into the world fully awake?

4. Sacred texts

There are also some online publications of dogmatic activism that could be considered sacred texts. For example, the intersectional site Everyday Feminismreceives millions of views a month. It features more than 40 talented writers who pen essays on a wide range of anti-oppression topics, zeroing in on ones that haven’t yet broached larger activist conversations online. When Everyday Feminism articles are shared among my friends, I feel both grateful that the conversation is sparking and also very belittled. Nearly all of their articles follow a standard structure: an instructive title, list of problematic or suggested behaviors, and a final statement of hard opinion. The titles, the educational tone, and the prescriptive checklists contribute to creating the idea that there is only one way to think about and do activism. And it’s a swiftly moving target that is always just out of reach. In trying to liberate readers from the legitimately oppressive structures, I worry that sites like Everyday Feminism are replacing them with equally restrictive orthodoxy on the other end of the political spectrum.

Have I extricated myself from a church to find myself confined in another?

At this year’s Allied Media Conference, BLM co-founder Alicia Garza gave an explosive speech to a theatre full of brilliant and passionate organizers. She urged us to set aside our distrust and critique of newer activists and accept that they will hurt and disappoint us. Don’t shut them out because their politics are outdated or they don’t wield the same language. If we are interested in building the mass movements needed to destroy mass oppression, our movements must include people not like us, people with whom we will never fully agree, and people with whom we have conflict. That’s a much higher calling than railing at people from a distance and labeling them as wrong. Ultimately, according to Garza, building a movement is about restoring humanity to all of us, even to those of us who have been inhumane. Movements are where people are called to be transformed in service of liberation of themselves and others.

I want to spend less time antagonizing and more time crafting alternative futures where we don’t have to fight each other for resources and care. For an introvert like me, that may look like shifting my activism towards small scale projects and recognizing personal relationships as locations of mutual transformation. It might mean carefully choosing whether I want to be part of public disruptions or protests, and giving myself full permission to refrain at times. It may mean drawing attention to the ways in which other people outside of movements have been living out activism, even if no one has ever called it that. It might mean checking in with myself about how I have let my heart grow hard. It may mean admitting that speaking my truth isn’t justification for being mean. It might mean directly dealing with my religious hangups so that I can come to a place where the resonant aspects of theology or spirituality become part of my toolkit. It means cultivating long-term relationships with those outside my (not that) safe and exclusive community, understanding I will learn so much from them. It means ceasing to “other” people and leave them behind. It means honoring their humanity, in spite of their hurtful political beliefs and violent actions. It means seeing them as individuals, not ideologies or systems. It means acknowledging their agency to act justly. It means inviting them to be with us in love, and pushing through repeated rejection. Otherwise, I’m not sure how I can sustain this work for the rest of my life