#bengruminations

[the-shining-river]

Rewatching DD s01, and Matt is such a newbie vigilante, bless his heart. No plan, no suit, no idea what he’s getting into. Surprised by the idea Russians set up a trap for him, surprised people would go after Santino and kidnap Claire, surprised by there being corrupt cops at the precinct, totally blindsided by Fisk framing him for Anatoly’s murder and then Fisk taking out the Russians. Falling for Fisk’s emotional manipulation of him with Mrs Cardenas’ death and Fisk playing him and Nobu off each other in a win-win game.

Realising the bad guys have their own wars, it’s not just good vs evil. Realising the bad guys can be smart and ruthless, and intelligent, and that it's all way deeper than some kidnappings and assaults that he probably initially set out to fight against.

(Compare with Frank in DD s02, knowing exactly what he wants, and who to blame, and how to take them out precisely and methodically)

(Also, compare Claire definitely having some nice chemistry with Matt but bailing once she realises he doesn’t have a plan or a specific goal — he does what he does and doesn’t have an end in sight; and Karen who wants there to be an ‘after’ for Frank.)

[bengalaas]

Get to know the blogger

Hey! I got tagged by @serial-chillr​ and @fandomn00blr​, and this was fun, so I’m tagging @cafeleningrad​, @sausagesquirrel​, @blackeyewhiterose​, @dafan7711​ and anyone else who wants to, if you want to :D

Share your wallpaper: my favourite colour in roses, this kinda peachy pink

Last song you listened to: Take Me to Church cover by Sofia Karlberg

Currently reading: The Child In You by Stephanie Stahl. Psychology stuff!

Last movie: Spiderman: Far From Home. I hadn’t seen it before, and lemme tell you, in light of all the recent AI developments and the potential for deepfakes, it left a rather bitter taste in my mouth. Both the illusions by Mysterio and the ‘plot twist’ in the post-credits scene revealing that the Fury in the movie was never even the real Fury. Yuck.

Last show: Rewatching Daredevil S3 :}

Craving: Another two months of freedom instead of starting a new job XD

What are you wearing right now: Dark grey sweatpants, light grey hoodie and khaki green tee saying ‘stay wild’

How tall are you: 170 cm

Piercings: Just ears

Tattoos: Nah, I could never decide what I want and where. It’s a Big Decision, ya know.

Glasses? Contacts? Glasses.

Last drink: Some leftover red wine lol

Last thing you ate: heart-shaped pryaniki. um, glazed soft gingerbread kinda cookies

Favorite color: Fir green!

Current obsession: Attempting a plot for a Kastle fic. I have an idea and a vibe, but not much of a plot, and I’ve never written in a modern setting, and this is set in US and basically aaaaaaaa! (in a fun way)

Any pets: I have a kitty:

Favorite fictional character: Thorin Oakenshield.

The last place you traveled: I went to Ķemeri bog trail!. Awesome place any time of the year

[aklahan]

Elf Generations

Elven immortality must make for some weird generational and culture effects, in my opinion. Some calculations and assumptions below the cut :D

On the one hand, elves reach their majority at ~100 years old, so, let's say there are young couples with a baby on the way at ~200 years old. This would result in 2 generations living for 526 years on the shores of Cuivienen, while Orome finds them, ambassadors go to Valinor, ambassadors return, First Sundering happens. Then there's 96 years of a journey until the Second Sundering when the Nandor decide to stay in Rhovanion and not cross the Misty Mountains. And there they live for 3641 years or 18 generations (4263 years = 21 generations since Awakening) in starlit darkness until half a world away the Two Trees are destroyed, Valinor and any elves living there are dumped back into their native starlit darkness, except it's tragic now that they're grown used to all the bonuses from the Two Trees, and 48 years later the Moon rises and then the Sun.

Imagine the effect this would have on the Nandor who just lived there in Greenwood the Great, fought spiders and other Melkor-related problems, but had no idea about the grand throw-down that took place in Valinor. And then — bam! — Moon and Sun.

On the other hand, when we look at the biographies of separate elves, we see that a much slower generational turnover was equally possible. Lenwe (also known as Dan) was one of the first elves to awaken by Cuivienen, and his son Denethor was slain 4263 years later in Beleriand. Of course, Denethor could be a grand-grand-grand-grand...father at this point — or maybe not. Galadriel is 8295 years old at the time of the Lord of the Rings, and her granddaughter Arwen wed when she was 2778 — that's only 3 generations since the first rising of the Sun! 

Similarly we know Oropher was born some time in the Years of the Trees, while Thranduil was born in the First Age, and we have no idea when Legolas was born, but look — here's a smartass who's grandfather was born into a world with only starlight for illumination and possibly his grand-grandfather was one of those original elves awoken on the shores of Cuivienen. That's, potentially, only 4 generations since the start of elven existence.

Now WHAT IF both ideas are true at the same time? What if some elves (Nandor? -> Woodland Elves?) tend to marry young, while others (Noldor, Sindar?) get a few thousand years old before starting looking for a spouse?

WHAT IF ifamily trees like Arwen's and Aragorn's are totally possible within one elven family, or a mixed Silvan/Sindar or Silvan/Noldor family as well? 

[Source]

Can you IMAGINE what this would do to a culture? To language? :D 

Some elven clans coming up with legit folklore surrounding the Sun and the Moon. Festivals cropping up, falling in line with equinoxes and solstices. Other clans being like 'Pffft! It's just a lamp, and nothing is gonna replace the Two Trees'. Having a Sun-less world in their living memory.

Some clans slightly forgetting their mother tongue, or slightly adjusting it as language evolves over time. Cocking their heads in amused curiosity at the jargon the young ones come up with. Other elves having no idea about Quenya and being totally unable to even read Tengwar script, because, c'mon, for generations their clan has only used Sindar and Cirth.

“I was there, Gandalf” vs. the most ridiculous, wild superstitions and folktales that have evolved in the oral tradition / folklore of more 'fast-paced' clans.

One elf having a son at 300 y.o., and her best friend deciding to settle down when she's 2000 y.o. — for the friend's son? They're both adults, why not? Arwen did marry her own uncle's grand-grand-grand-....-son.

The trauma some elves carry around — from the kinslaying at Alqualonde, from all the wars, the drowning of Beleriand, the Last Alliance... vs. someone who counts as equally adult, possibly with a family of their own already, but for whom all that is ancient history and 'What do you mean Mirkwood was not always like this?'

I can't think of any other major points at this moment, as there doesn't seem to be any real religion or philosophy in Middle-earth, but language and culture and memories existing and evolving on this kind of a two-track timeline is a fascinating mess and I'm sorry I don't know more about anthropology or sociology to get into more depth, but this is fascinating.

(the math should be correct; the conclusions are just my assumptions or headcanons)

[onbanksofadragonriver]

Tbh, I’m on the fence about Varric in DA4. Sure, he’s a great character, but... I thought his story is nicely completed? After all the shit he’s seen in DA2 and DAI, is Bioware sure it makes sense for his character arc, to be involved in another game saving the world?

A cameo would be ok. But if he’s the OC’s employer or the narrator? Not sure. 

[bengalaas]

A Year In Review: 2022 Writing

So I’m weeks behind the usual end-of-year memes, but whatever. The past year has not been too great, although good things happened too. Anyway, here’s how it compares in terms of writing: 2019 | 2020 | 2021 |

Writing

I wrote a measly 7600w for A Different Kind of Courage, making 2022 the... third (?) year in a row when I’ve been planning to finish the fic, but then life happens and everything flies out the window. But those were quite solid three chapters and I’m rather proud of them, as the story reached the crash-and-burn end point of an arc. It was terribly satisfying to write. So many things coming finally together, mmm.

In the beginning of last year I randomly started Poludnica / Midday Shadows, a Shadow & Bones fanfic, of all things, and got some 16k words in before Russia’s war in Ukraine made me kinda unwilling to continue writing in a setting/aesthetic based on romanticized Tsarist Russia. But it was very fun while the inspiration lasted and maybe someday I’ll pick it back up.

I also wrote a small ‘Tasertricks in Thedas AU’ oneshot Dancing In the Ruin; a tiny M!Lavellan/Josie drabble Air; a similarly tiny Matt/Elektra ficlet Trade it all in for a lifetime of smelling your skin; and translated two fics: People Caught in a Storm (American Gods) by @spaceinthecage and Leave Barefoot (The Punisher) by She is Hale, which is a prose poem and I’m pretty proud of that one too :)

So that’s 38,600 words writing and 2145w translation.

Somehow, I apparently have had less productive years. (how...??)

Beta thanks

@serial-chillr is still as awesome as ever, she knows the craft, and she also just holds my hand when I haven’t posted anything in a while and suddenly start doubting every single damn thing I know about English grammar XD

Progress

I think Poludnica was the most important learning exercise, as I cut myself some slack and just let myself get some writing done. So there’s some time-jumping, cutting of boring scenes I didn’t want to write, there’s short chapters, there’s more summaries and less descriptions than usual, etc. But apparently the pacing still works okay. So yeah, I guess I now have experience consciously writing an average fic just for fun :D

I also discovered that prose poems are a thing, and that I love them. There should be more of them.

Community

I’ve kinda drifted away from DA and The Hobbit; blazed through Shadow & Bone, and then @sausagesquirrel dragged me into the Daredevil/The Punisher fandom. So I’m making some new friends like @youwouldneverbreakthechain​  and appreciating the ones I’ve known for years, like the excellent @cafeleningrad, @serial-chillr, @vyrridiana, @dafan7711, and other pocket friends (and @dorianpink came back to tumblr!!) ♥

Comments

Unexpectedly many, on a fic I didn’t give much of a damn about :D So fandom is weird.

But also I’m so impressed by Serial and Squirrel and @valla-valla who have kept reading my fics even in new fandoms: you are so lovely, and your support means a lot to me ♥

2023

Honestly, I just want to finish something by this point lol. I’m hoping to have more free time this year, but I think that, for a while, at least, if I’ll be writing anything, it will be behind the scenes until I’m sure I can carry on. I really don’t want to update and then disappear again.

So that’s the most important plan. Sort out this inconvenience called depression, and fall in love with writing again :)

[bengalaas]

I love how "I just want to press a button / I want to see the results" has become an accepted and expected option on polls as an (attempted) means to reign in the chaos energy of this site. I've never seen such "I don't have an answer for you but I wanna interact!!" feature becoming almost consistently implemented in polls anywhere else except tumblr.

[bengalaas]

I just filled in an Excel of what I’ve read in these 5 days of January, and considering it’s 38 fics with ~300k wordcount total, I guess ‘reading not enough’ is not one of the 99 problems I have.

[the-shining-river]

Read the 2018 Esquire interview with Bernthal, and:

Steve Lightfoot, The Punisher’s showrunner, says that he told Bernthal, “All you talk about is your wife and your kids. That’s what this guy is. His superpower is the rage that he has toward the people that took them from him.” 

And kinda... yeah, I guess that’s what The Punisher is in Marvel’s comics. Which I’ve never read, but... I guess?

Sure, sometimes, completely randomly, so it seems, MCU does pay attention to what kind of a story they’re telling with their characters, be it about kindness and dignity (Black Panther), or accountability (Avengers: Civil War), or accepting yourself (Loki series), or the role of the disenfranchised (Falcon and Winter Soldier), or even the subjects of faith, sin, lawfulness, grief, and truth that they were digging into with DD S1 & S2, the tragedy of betrayed trust and army corruption in TP S1.

But considering the above quote, it feels like such a goddamn miracle, born of  two amazing actors’ chemistry, that we got any Kastle at all. And it kinda explains TP S2 — because what kind of a Punisher show would that be if he left the rage and loss behind him and crossed genres and ended up some kind of psychological drama about love and second chances?

So meh, not much hope of Kastle going forwards.

[bengalaas]

Census of the Potted Nation

I realised I have a ridiculous number of plants still, even after a part of them died this year, for some reason.

5 jade trees, plus... 14 new jade babies in their tiny little pots

3 rubber plants

2 miniature roses (an experiment to verify some kastle fanfic claims)

2 other tiny succulents (cousins to the jade gang)

4 purples (Moses in the Cradle? who comes up with these names?) + 4 more purples at the office

1 sad spider plant at the office

1 small, 3 medium and 1 huge ZZ plant

1 clivia

1 kalanchoe

1 large peace lily due to be split into 4 or 5 smaller tufts, I hope they survive whatever killed their brethren

1 small monstera deliciosa

1 small monstera adansonii

3 pothos plants

2 geraniums

1 sad Christmas cactus

and an echeveria

That's... 47 pots at home + 5 more in my care at the office. Nice!

[bengalaas]

.

[bengalaas]

Aesthetically, this is my kind of a guy

Dobermans are the most beautiful doggos

and BMW is the neatest car 👌

[bengalaas]

A Year In Review: 2021 Writing

I haven’t noticed this meme going around this year, but I like this format I use, so whatever, I want to compare :) | 2019 | 2020 |

Tagging all those already tagged in the text + @dailyspark and all who want to, if you want to :))

Writing

The only thing I was writing last year was A Different Kind of Courage (Hobbit fic, Fili/Tauriel rarepair pool noodle canoe!) — 31′600 words of it, which is less than I wrote in the nerve-wracking plague year of 2020, but about the same as in 2019. There was also a 4 month sabbatical, oops. 

It’s ridiculous how I keep planning that next year will be the one where I finish this story lol, and it just continues to not happen, but at least, at 75k words, it’s now my longest fic to date!

Beta thanks

Beng has a beta now! The plot ramblings and writing craft discussions, and grammar investigations, and shameless enabling of mutually beloved tropes with @serial-chillr have been one of my highlights of the year. She’s amazing, both as a beta and a friend, and I’m so happy to have met her!

Progress

This year, I read Gail Carriger’s “The Heroine’s Journey”, which helped me understand better how this structure could be applied to a dual POV romance, and I think I’ve been using some figures of speech from Mark Forsyth’s “The Elements of Eloquence” more consciously. This year, I was also forced to figure out what a Midpoint is and how to use it in a story. And considering Courage is nearing the final arc, there’s a whole lot of wrapping up I’ve had to practice, if only in my head for now. In general, I’m also pushing myself more, so there’s more rewriting going on, but also the final quality is better? I hope :D

Also, thanks to having a beta, my drafts now pass through Google Docs at some point, instead of me just doing all my writing in the AO3 drafts like some heathen savage, so there’s finally a spellchecker lol.

Community

I’ve somewhat drifted away from the DA fandom, and The Hobbit crowd is smaller, but we’re fighters, all of us! This year, I’ve met wonderful, talented people like @sausagesquirrel and Templefugate, and am continuously blessed with the snark, thoughtfulness, kindness, beauty, and integrity of @cafeleningrad, @serial-chillr, @vyrridiana, @dafan7711, @barbex, @nichtsneu, @greenjudy​, and others.

Comments

The bestest ♥ Special shoutout to SausageSquirrel who didn’t even ship Filiel before, and to @valla-valla who's been with me on this journey for years :,)

2022

Finish A Different Kind of Courage! XD

Seriously. There should be smth like... 25k words left if I measured the structure right? Given my average annual wordcount, it should be doable??

I have 362 days till the next yearly review! XD

[bengalaas]

Mirrors

Ok, here’s a take and I’m kinda confused I don’t see more people seeing it this way? Loki season finale spoilers under cut.

The way I see it is that the whole “I know what you feel” and “I just want you to be okay” is Loki projecting heavily. 

Because Sylvie IS him, but from an even crappier timeline than his own, because she didn’t have Frigga growing up, she — for all his faults — didn’t have Thor. She didn’t have a safe home in Asgard, and nobody taught her magic. I think meeting Sylvie made Loki realise his life was maybe not SO bad after all. Especially how he has just recently seen how it all ends in his reality, Frigga’s death, the Ragnarok, even Odin’s death. He has recently realised he still had things to lose, while Sylvie lost them when she was just a child.

I think there’s empathy and projection, and protectiveness from Loki’s side — because he doesn’t know how to “be okay” himself (yet), but he sure wishes it for Sylvie. I think he treats Sylvie the way he would like to be treated himself. She’s a warped mirror, a variant of himself, and that bit of “Because you can’t trust anyone and I can’t be trusted” just killls meeee, it’s poetic as hell. 

There is no chemistry in that kiss, no romance. I don’t think it was even meant to be shippy. I think it was a gamble, born out of Sylvie’s misunderstanding and distrust and aimed at derailing him. I think she mistook Loki’s persistent empathy (who’d have thunk) for her as something romantic, and decided to use it. 

And I think that’s the major difference between them in the end. Because Loki broke the mold: Sylvie could have trusted him. He would not have betrayed her. But Sylvie played according to the script and could not change her path. 

I would like to think that in the end that was one of the reasons that got Loki out of his sad funk of having opened up and being betrayed in return. Sylvie simply got her revenge. But Loki, he KNOWS he can be anything he wants to be now. He came out of this ordeal STRONGER. And he knows he’s more powerful than he thought, he believes he writes his own destiny now.

That’s some serious character development guys, no romance necessary. Looking forward to Season 2 very much! (And Strange’s reaction to the multiverse, it’s gonna be priceless lol)

[bengalaas]

Hi Beng, may I ask for your expertise here? I'm a bit lost what kinds of criticisms can be launched at the concept of NFTs. As I have the feeling the problem of carbon footprints are an undesirable side effect of these things, I only vaguely understand what's the issue with the core concept of NFTs.

Hey, Lewis!

From what I understand, the absurd is they use this super complicated technology to basically make an image file or gif file the "real", the "original" file, so all others would be considered "copies". But,

1) anyone can do that; I could NFT your published digital art and try and sell it as the "original" and there's not enough legal framework for the actual creator to stop this;

2) it's just stupid, because in the electronic environment things (originals included) can be copied so easily. I'm not sure what copyright laws would apply to NFTed art/music, but at least from the local Electronic Documents Law perspective, any copy-pasted electronically signed document still counts as a document original. (the traditional ending clause of "this agreement has been drafted in 2 original copies of equal legal force, one for each Party" is completely pointless with esigned documents because the number of originals is unlimited). The non-fungible part of that acronym is baseless. But perhaps I really don't know enough about any potentially applicable copyright laws.

3) and yeah, the carbon footprint of generating these tokens, plus the shortage and cost surge it causes in electronics market (graphic cards, microchips, laptops, etc.) due to the high demand from the NFT and crypto crowd.

4) it's just so... pointless. It's such an artificially created, illusory, fake product with no inherent value. It's so much time and energy and resources being brutally wasted.

[bengalaas]

A Year In Review: 2020 Writing

This has been a strange year, to say the least, and it's weird to look back at the New Year's resolutions I had for it. Writing has been complicated, with little downtime from work and uni, and the lowkey stress permeating this whole plague situation has taken a bite out of my concentration and inspiration. 

But here's a review of what I still managed to get done :)

I’ve seen a different end-of-year format making rounds, but I’m using the one from last year. So if you see this, feel free to either consider yourself tagged, or just take the tag as an expression of love and thanks ♥

Writing

My main writing resolution was to finish A Different Kind of Courage (Hobbit fic, Fili/Tauriel) in summer/autumn, but that didn't work out. I did write 27′500 words for it, and I'm not giving up on that rarepair pool noodle lol. At 43'400 words it's also my second longest fic to date :D

I added a 3800w chapter to Canticle of Chaos (Loki x Dragon Age crossover). By this point I'm pretty sure that fic is kinda cursed, so I'm writing it very slowly and only when I’m feeling lucky lol. Nevertheless, I think it's some of my best writing, and it's been a great exercise in “writing for yourself”.

I also translated a wonderful series, Lucky Heart (American Gods, Laura/Sweeney), 5600 words. I absolutely loved the rich mythological and metaphorical layers of the original, and it was a treat to try and reflect the author's style in English, playing with the rhythm and the word choices. Neither English, nor Russian are my native languages, so I’m double proud of this one!

Sometime in autumn I took an unexpected detour and fell into the tiny Varric/Merrill canoe and started a series Mirrors and Manuscripts, currently featuring 2 works at 6155 w total. 

And some smaller things: I polished and posted an old F!Brosca & Zevran oneshot (No Honour in Dust, 1260w), and a curious writing experiment with M!Hawke/Isabela (Asyndeton, 1040w). I'm also slowly filling the “30 Days of OC” challenge with Martin Lavellan (5800w). And there were two other DA Drunk Writing drables, but they disappeared into the void whence they came from (I accidentally deleted them).

So that’s a total of 51′100 words, which I think is not bad, considering this fun year, and actually it’s 20k more than last year :D

Beta thanks

Still no beta, the bengalaas be wild and unspellchecked. 

However, I’d like to thank @hollyand-writes for a betaing opportunity :) I’m sure there’s room for improvement in how I communicate my comments, and, being a non-native English speaker, there’s stuff I can’t really comment on, but diving into things critically is something I do enjoy, so — thanks for letting me :)

Progress

I think, this year I'm getting a bit better at finishing things. Oneshots and prompts definitely have forced me to focus on keeping the right amount of tension in my writing up until the end, and then to wrap it up nicely. 

I’ve started compiling glossary lists with smut expressions and vocabulary lol, and also body language, facial expressions etc. Because it’s unbelievably frustrating to clearly picture what the character is doing and completely forget what’s that gesture called in English. Glossaries save me some time.

And also... I’m learning to let fics progress at their own pace. A reader reminded me in summer that a slowburn is a slowburn for a reason and it would be wrong to force it to move faster. It would break the authenticity of the story, of the characters. And when I was trying to push and finish a chapter recently, I again realised that the reason it’s not working is because I was ignoring the underlying truth of the story in favour of getting shit done. So. Truth ftw. Even if it takes its sweet time to emerge.

Community

My corner of the fandom has been wonderful, filled with talented, friendly people like @hollyand-writes​, @cartadwarfwithaheartofgold​, @lucyrne​, @barbex, @cafeleningrad, @dorianpink, @serial-chillr, @dafan7711​ and others. Thank you for being here and making this an inspiring, positive place! ♥

Additionally, raw respect for D, who made 100 lists x 30 prompts this year, and has been a staunch, supportive, positive voice in the fandom and an overall wonderful person. 

I’ve also started talking with people more, and even joined the DA Drunk Writing Circle :D

Comments

I’ve been blown away by the comments I got on the Varric/Merrill oneshots, those were totally unexpected! Comments on the Lucky Heart series have felt so damn gratifying, for having been able to bring those stories to the English-speaking readers. Comments to Courage... they just warm my heart so much :))

Detailed, long-ass responses to the Varric/Merrill shots and to my own comments have been a delight. When discussions in the comment sections flood my email and AO3 starts to feel like a social media site... I live for it :))

2021

I’ll continue working on Courage and maybe puttering away on Canticle of Chaos. Maybe finish the 30 Days of Martin Lavellan series.

I don’t feel like starting any new multi-chapter fics, because I think that the next step for me would be to learn to plot properly and write a first draft before starting posting, and I just can’t see myself doing that next year lol. 

I’d like to do more Dragon Age oneshots and prompts. Write something small and whimsical. Maybe Varric/Merill, since people seem to like it. I’d like to learn to write faster, so random prompts it is. Maybe I’ll finish playing DAI, for once. That might give fodder for new fics too. 

And here’s a crazy idea lol, but maybe I should try writing something in my own native language next year XD

[bengalaas]

Thoughts so far

Staying away from tumblr has forced me to redirect my attention to media that makes me feel more rooted in my own society/culture, instead of being bombarded by issues that are really not that relevant to me, or that I disagree with, or simply don't care about enough. At the same time, scrolling through tumblr requires making hundreds of micro-decisions: do I reblog or just like? is it wrong of me to just like? what about that Discourse on likes not helping artists at all? do I know any of my followers interested in this, to warrant a reblog? 

This is the reality of my overthinking brain, and it's stupid, but also actually tiresome.

So instead I decided I prefer to look for fandom content on my own terms. To browse for Hobbit content when I feel like looking at Hobbit content, and to browse for Dragon Age when I feel like Dragon Age. Instead of having it all spoon-fed to me via the dash and then having to decide what to do with it, how to tag it, etc. Being offered fandom content on a push basis, instead of pull, has somewhat burned out my love for it, I find.

And when I pull content on my own terms - lo and behold! - I've finally finished watching/rewatching the series and movies that have been on my list since the start of the year, finished some crochet birbs, went on a hike, learned how to make hummus, made cherry jam and generally reconnected with friends and family. 

What I'm saying is, decision fatigue is a thing, and it can build up from tiny things too. And I really, really don't have excessive reserves of it to spend browsing and micro-deciding on “We need to discuss..” and “Why is nobody talking about..” kinds of posts.