Menaces to Society (Rhett Abbott x Reader)
Summary: You thought your boys were feral as children......wait until they turn twenty one
Warnings: Perry slander, Tillerson slander, taking a leak on somebody’s truck for revenge, drunken shenanigans etc.
Tagging: @sebsxphia @lewmagoo @bradleybeachbabe @nobody7102 @creativitybeware @rhettabbotts
The group of boys had all gathered at the Handsome Gambler, crowding around the bar as their favorite music blasted from the jukebox in the corner. After weeks spent on midterms and constant studying, the boys of the Delta Tau Epsilon Fraternity were more than happy to be blowing of steam, among them, Tatum and Tanner Abbott and Colt Tillerson.
“CHUG IT!!!! CHUG IT!!!! CHUG IT!!!” the boys chanted as they lifted Tanner up by his legs for the kegstand challenge.
Tanner took in as much as he could, the bar owner timing him as his frat brothers cheered him on. Finally, he swallowed the last little bit before Jimmy Peterson, the bar owner, clocked him in and put his time record up on the chalkboard.
“You my man,” Tate Dutton said, clapping a hand on Tanner’s shoulder. “Are the fucking kegstand CHAMP!”
Tanner and the other frat brothers cheered loudly as Bo Andreola, one of the football players, lifted him up onto his broad, husky shoulders. Around 1:30, Jimmy announced it was closing time, only to be cued by the playing of Luke Bryan’s “Time To Take My Drunk Ass Home”, the boys and all the bar patrons singing along like a bunch of screeching seagulls.
Out of the bar they stumbled, Tatum, Tanner, Colt, Tate and Jake Dutton, Joey Wheeler and a few others heading to the parking lot. “Alright fuckers,” Tatum slurred. “Let’s get us home, I’m drivin.”
“Uh the fuck you are!” Danny Gonzales told him. “You’re drunker’n I am. I’ll call my brother.”
Danny luckily had his brother, Antonio, on speed dial. Antonio never really drank and thus had become the designated driver along with three others. Unfortunately for them, Antonio was across town and wouldn’t be able to pick them up for at least a half hour.
They wandered up and down the streets, looking for a place to wait it out, when they spied two familiar vehicles parked on the curb. “Oh shit,” Tatum muttered after letting out a rather rude burp.
“Wassup?” Joey asked him.
“You know who’s trucks those are, right?”
“Aw shit,” Joey answered when he came to the realization. “That’s Trevor and Perry’s trucks.”
“What are those fuckin assholes doin in our neck of the woods?” Jake questioned.
“Probably doin each other in an alley somewhere,” Tate chuckled.
Tatum and Tanner gave each other a look as soon as an evil little germ of a thought began to bloom in the back of their heads. Even Colt could tell what they were thinking without even saying a word. “You know what we gotta do right?” Tatum said.
“Better do it now while we’re loaded,” Tanner told him.
Tatum readily instructed for him, Tanner and Colt to take Trevor’s truck while the others could have at Perry’s. “Alright boys,” Tatum announced. “This one’s for Dad.”
All at once the boys unzipped their flies and relieved themselves right there on the horrible men’s dirt spattered trucks, laughing the whole entire time. Too bad Jaime’s car hadn’t been nearby. Tate, Jake and Joey would have absolutely loved the thought of taking that one on as well. Bo and Danny held up their phones, taking a video of the drunken frat boys for later. It wasn’t long either before they were taking photos of their little graffitied creation, the words “Fuck you Perry” and “Fuck you Trevor” having been inscribed in the dirt with their own streams while the boys pointed at it and made stupid faces or stupid poses with it.
The sudden blurt of police sirens and the flash of lights made them all straighten right up. Sheriff Joy hopped out onto the curb and shut the doors to the cruiser, sighing and laughing all at once when she saw the culprits.
“Oh God, not you idiots again,” she sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose.
“HEY AUNT JOY!!!!!!” Tatum and Tanner greeted loudly and happily.
**************
“Rhett can you get the door?!” you called from upstairs.
Rhett groaned and rose from the couch, straightening his reader glasses on his nose before making his way to the door. When he opened it, he was a little less than pleased to find Joy on the porch.
“Hey Rhett,” she greeted. “I just picked up your little miscreants outside the bar and came to drop them off.”
“Oh God, what’d they do now?” Rhett groaned.
“Check their phones, I guarantee you there’s photos,” Joy laughed before heading back to the cruiser.
“Oh damnit,” Rhett muttered. “Darlin, ya’ll better come down here, it happened again!”
***************
The boys were absolutely silent as Rhett scrolled through Tatum’s phone and his camera roll, his face contorting into confused and wide-eyed expressions every so often.
“So let me get this straight,” Rhett said, breaking the long, pregnant pause that had come over the kitchen. “You idiots were loaded beyond all human reasoning, were waiting for a ride home and decided to take a leak on a vehicle?”
Tatum burped again. “Yep.”
Rhett bit his lip, trying hard not to laugh, looking at you as if you’d break first. “Alright, you jackasses go upstairs and make yourselves cozy, I’ll discuss this with your mother.”
The boys all stumbled up the stairs, trying their best not to wake Amy and Jeff’s baby who had just fallen asleep in yours and Rhett’s room. “Are they in trouble?” you asked him.
“I’ll be nice and let’em off the hook this time,” Rhett chuckled. “Tomorrow when they’re all hungover is a completely different story.”
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His Funny Familiars (Rhett Abbott x Reader)
Summary: You thought wifey’s familiars were a sight to see?? Wait untill you meet Rhett’s
Tagging: @sebsxphia Hon the video that inspired this was too cute to pass up and I couldn’t resist (lol).
“Fuckin hoodlums,” Rhett muttered as he carefully pulled the prybar from the fencepost for the nine millionth time in a row. Why the hell was Wabang full of so many disrespectful little shits from out of town who thought they owned everyone and everything?
He pulled the prybar loose, his face taking on a pinched look as the pain in his hand shot up into his arm and elbow. “Ya’ll better get that checked out,” remarked a familiar drawl. “Fractures can lead to something worse.”
Rhett turned his head to see Billy Tillerson making his way down the hill with a wicker basket in his hands, his eyes looking more tired than usual. “And you’d better get some rest,” Rhett chuckled.
“Oh believe me, I am,” Billy answered. “Gotta get it now while I can. Shania’s gonna have the baby soon.”
“Six more days,” Rhett assured him. “Six more days and the little guy’s comin.”
“Don’t remind me,” Billy laughed as he set to work, helping Rhett repair the fence.
The two of them bantered back and forth as the early morning sunrise began to peek over the hills, the mists surrounding the hills as the chilly spring morning welcomed the day. Rhett loved mornings like this, cool, misty and with hints of sharp moisture and the smell of grass in the air.
“Oh by the way,” Billy said. “I made a little something for your Ma last week. (Y/n) was kind enough to share the recipe with us.”
“Her Irish Soda Bread?”
“The very one.”
Rhett’s huge grin grew bigger as he hammered in another nail when all of a sudden he caught sight of a familiar ringed tail hanging over the edge of the basket.
“Hey! Meeko, outta there you little ring-tailed thief!”
The baby raccoon chittered and squeaked as though he had understood Rhett perfectly, his chubby little body dropping into the grass and zooming straight to his master like a tame dog.
“That thing’s tamer than our dog,” Billy laughed.
“Probably because (y/n) and I feed him and his siblings all the damn time,” Rhett replied.
Billy’s head suddenly looked up to see a dreaded sight making its way over to the fence along a path from the road. “Uh oh,” he groaned.
“What’s up?”
“Brace yourself,” Billy said under his breath. “The gorgon approaches.”
There she was, Gale Burch, that pinch faced menace from up the road, her grey hair cut into a neat pageboy, her grey dress stiff and without a single wrinkle in it, black shoes holding in her feet while on her elbow was a little black purse hanging from a thin silver chain. God she looked evil, more evil than she usually did when the Abbotts and the Tillersons saw her at St. Mike’s on Sunday mornings.
“Ah just who I wanted to see,” Gale crowed. “The neighborhood heathen and his little accomplice.”
Rhett cleared his throat and mustered all his strength to bite his tongue and be polite for once. “Good to see you Mrs. Burch.”
“Oh spare me the polite façade,” Gale spat. “I’ve got a bone to pick with you Mr. Abbott. In fact, several.”
“Oh?”
“Don’t play dumb with me you brainless sinful little twerp,” Gale hissed. “That disgusting little pest sitting there at your feet went rooting through my trash receptacles looking for his next meal. If it were up to me, I’d have it turned into a hat.”
Meeko chittered and curled around Rhett’s ankle, covering his little eyes with his tiny paws.
“Well, who knows, maybe it’ll cover the bald spot on the back of your head,” Rhett said with a smug little grin.
“Oh you smart mouthed little shit!” Gale hissed. “You’re just like your mother. A hateful, godless little Irish heathen that breeds like a lowly rabbit!”
Rhett’s blood began to boil as Gale walked away, her pointed, beaky nose in the air and an insatiable urge running through him to the core, the urge to bury Gale Burch in a hole so deep it might as well be on the nearest doorstep in hell.
“Now Rhett, I wouldn’t....”
“Oh I’m not gonna kill her,” Rhett said, cutting Billy off. “Believe me, I’ve got something better in mind.”
Back to the house they went, where they found you in the kitchen and tiny little Hannah sitting on the counter, swinging her legs and her little socked feet as you scooped pumpkin cookie batter onto a tray. “Whatcha lookin for cowboy?” you asked him.
“Lookin for that mealworm shit you bought for the raccoons,” Rhett answered as he searched the cabinets.
“On top of the fridge,” you answered.
Rhett gently moved you sideways before grabbing the bag of mealworm and chow mix off the top of the refrigerator. “Might I ask what you plan on using that for?” you enquired, noticing the mischevous look in his eye.
“You don’t need to know darlin, it’s all good,” Rhett answered as he and Billy traipsed back out the door.
As soon as he was out of earshot, you peered out the kitchen window to find the two of them heading down the driveway hill in the direction of Gale Burch’s property.
“Son of a bitch,” you whispered, rolling your eyes.
“I know that whisper (y/n),” Cecelia remarked, picking Hannah up off the counter and onto her hip. “What are those two little weasels up to now?”
“I don’t wanna know,” you answered, throwing up your hands. “They told me I didn’t need to know, so I’m not asking.”
“Any idea where they’re going?”
“Over towards the Burch property.”
Cecelia made a face. “Wonder what old fish face did to’em now,” she seethed. “The other day she was giving Mrs. Garcia hell for her climbing roses being too tall.”
“Well,” you said. “We’ll find out tomorrow what they were up to.”
********************
“Alright Meeko,” Rhett whispered to the little raccoon. “Go git’em.”
Meeko climbed straight up the perfectly white picket fence and into Gale’s yard, dropping right into the neatly manicured grass to pick up a few of the mealworms, digging up the miserable witch’s vegetable beds like a kid in a sandbox. Betty Sullivan’s little chihuahua, Pinky, had attempted the same feat but had been met with the unfortunate wrath of Gale’s nasty cat, Gremlin. Rhett prayed that Meeko would make it out without arousing the wrath of that spoiled rotten little furball.
“Ya’ll think he’s gonna make it out?” Billy asked.
“He’s a smart little fucker, of course he’ll make it,” Rhett answered.
The two of them tensed up when they heard the clanging and dropping of old glass bottles from the recycling cans. Their hearts threatened to beat out of their chests when they heard that horrid snarl and hissing that signaled Gremlin lurking about.
“Oh shit,” Rhett said under his breath.
Meeko hissed a second later, the two men only able to guess what was going on behind the fence, too nervous too look for themselves. Finally, Meeko wriggled his way out from under the fence, climbing straight into the curve of Rhett’s arms.
“You little turd,” he chuckled. “Scarin us shitless like that.”
“Holy shit!” Billy laughed. “Rhett, ya’ll gotta come and look at this.”
Rhett peered over the fence, biting his lip as he held back a laugh.
The garden beds were an absolute mess, dug up down to the roots with the vegetables all knocked over and the driveway littered with garbage from the trashcans.
“C’mon,” Rhett told Billy, still holding on to Meeko. “Let’s get outta here before we get attacked by that monster cat of hers.”
********************
Rhett knelt beside the pew in the church, crossing himself before he scooted in next to you, Hannah, Royal and his mother, biting his lip as though a devilish little laugh could escape at any minute.
“Rhett?” Cecelia whispered.
Rhett snickered as the other parishioners began filing into the sun filled church. Sister Bernadette made her way down the aisle towards the front, her white hair completely hidden by her black habit.
“Rhett James, what did you do?” Cecelia hissed, resisting the urge to hit him on the back of the head with a hymnal.
Rhett didn’t answer her. He just kept his eyes on his hands that were folded in his lap, never once daring to look up at his mother.
You and Cecelia cast each other a quick glance before you saw the sour looking Gale Burch walking into the church, mean as ever, muttering something under her breath about a raccoon tearing up her garden. Cecelia turned to Rhett, slackjawed, wide eyed and shocked as she clamped a hand over her mouth.
“Oh my God, you didn’t,” she hissed under her breath.
“I did.”
You laughed a little yourself before Father O’Keefe entered and the service began. You couldn’t wait to hear this one when you got home.
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