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twoblueheartslocked · 4 years

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Seblaine Para- Present Day (NYE1)

Para: Hold On To The Memories, They Will Hold On To You

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: Seblaine.

Sebastian: @colorsicantsee

Blaine: @twoblueheartslocked

Time: New Year’s Eve- Present Day. (1)

Location: Manhattan, New York

Info: A former Dalton Academy Warbler throws a New Year’s party for any former Warblers that can make it to NYC. Sebastian and Blaine haven’t seen each other in almost four years. They haven’t spoken for over two years. Both of them are changed and damaged in different ways. Feelings pushed down by time that never went away flare up in the worst way.

Warnings: Mentions of abuse, mentions of drug use, death, smoking, drinking, cursing.

Extra Warnings: (This RP is not Kurt Hummel friendly. You’ve all been warned.)

Notes: Under a cut because of length.

Blaine’s POV:

Breathe in and back out again, Blaine. Count to ten. You’ve got this. Most of these people here have your best interest in mind. You don’t need to worry. Everything is going to be alright. You can get through this night in one piece and you’ll be back home, in Brooklyn, in your cramped, shitty apartment, in your cramped, shitty bed, in your closet of a bedroom before you know it.

Blaine’s inner monologue, something his therapist thought him to do, did very little to quell the nerves and rampant anxiety that seemed to be chewing through the pit of his stomach as he made his way into the crowded New Years party. Former Warblers- from ages 18 to who knows, graced the walls of the rooftop Manhattan apartment that some Warbler, whose name kept escaping him, owned. For the third time since he tousled his loose curls with product that night he wondered what the hell he was doing here. He’d only been at Dalton for two years before he made the stupid, yet admittedly valuable, jump to McKinley High. He felt like a fraud among the alumni that had spent all four years within it’s halls. Still, he’d told Sam that he would try and with a promise from David and Nick to not abandon him, he managed to follow through.

He just hoped and prayed to a god he wasn’t sure existed that Kurt didn’t decide he wasn’t too good to call himself a Warbler and show up. His stomach gave a painful lurch at the recurring worry and the back of his neck throbbed, a phantom of clenched fingers squeezing too tight to make a point. And it was so intense that Blaine could swear Kurt was there, right behind him. He ducked his head, shame washing through him as his eyes darted around the room, wide and on full alert. Why hadn’t he worn a scarf? He’d been promised by David, who was promised by the host, that Kurt had turned down the invite, but he couldn’t shake the fingers and the ringing sound of disappointment in his ears that always sounded a lot like his ex-boyfriend’s voice.

He wasn’t prepared for the onslaught of attention he’d get as he was spotted by the first of his class of Warblers. Trent, and Wes were clapping him on the back, and pulling him into hugs. Jeff throwing an arm over his shoulders and shouting over the thump of bass- something about him being the man, the myth, the legend himself. Causing Blaine to tense up at the sudden contact, his cheeks flaring up red and hot at the words. He forced himself to smile, and give a gentle laugh to shake off the attention. Most of these people hadn’t seen him since high school. They didn’t really even know him anymore at all. Few did. These guys- they still thought of him as Blaine Warbler, the face of Dalton- with his easy smiles for everyone, and charisma and charm. If his old friends noticed his unusual quiet they didn’t address it. Blaine was glad for it. He didn’t think he could handle a look of pity for his losses or any of his plights.

He let himself be handed a clear plastic cup, someone must have remembered that he liked whisky, probably David, and he took a cautious sip. He didn’t need to get drunk and uninhibited around people he hardly knew anymore. Someone offered to take his short black pea coat from him and he politely declined, pulling the fabric around him like a shield. He felt a little like his teenage self, putting too much gel in his hair as if it would protect him and all at once he cursed himself for not giving up his coat. He made himself take another drink, hoping he could loosen up just a bit.

Twenty minutes in and he had managed to truly laugh at a few memories his old friends brought up. He even managed to talk about a few without second guessing himself. A little of his old confidence rising to the surface. He hadn’t even noticed that David had left his side until his friend gently tugged on his sleeve, his handsome, dark features looking stressed. Blaine’s body instantly froze, his eyes wide as he mouthed Kurt? to his second closest friend. But, David shook his head and sighed regretfully before he pointed to the balcony and time seemed to stop for Blaine because he wasn’t supposed to be here either.

There, on the balcony, framed by a snowy New York City skyline in a halo of cigarette smoke, looking bored even though Blaine couldn’t see his face, as he was facing the city, stood Sebastian Smythe. Clothed in a thigh length black pea coat, the grey hood of a hoodie peeking out over the collar, his long legs holding up a thin frame, too thin, actually. Did the man ever eat? As if Blaine were one to talk… And suddenly, just like that, seeing his absolute asshole of an ex didn’t seem as bad as this. Nor would it feel as bad. And for a second Blaine couldn’t breathe properly. And his heart throbbed at the sight of him and all at once he truly wished it was Kurt instead. He’d take feeling small and useless over the pain of regret and heartbreak any day.

Suddenly he was newly seventeen again and both of his parents were still alive and he was happy as his fingers laced with a uncharacteristically shy Sebastian’s. And Seb’s trademark smirk was gone and replaced with an imperfectly perfect toothy, wide smile that made his impossible green eyes crinkle in delight. And that smile was new to Seb and seemed made up just for Blaine for a little while and Blaine was giddy and free in a way he couldn’t remember ever feeling before. They fit together in a way that Blaine had never felt and would never feel again and Blaine’s heart had ached to just stay with him… and-

A slight shake from David brought him back to present time and Blaine dragged his eyes from the balcony to look into David’s deep brown gaze. David assured him that Sebastian hadn’t seen him yet and that they could just leave, but how could Blaine do that? It had been so long… He licked his lips and took a long pull on his drink, draining the rest in one go. He handed the cup to his friend and assured him that he’d be fine. He’d regret it if he didn’t say hello. Right? He stood up, feeling the heat of whisky course through him as he made his way through the crowd and to the open balcony door. He pulled his gloves on before pushing outside, liquid courage making him feel brave for a moment. He hadn’t noticed at first, but Hunter Clarington was out here too, looking like some sort of guard dog with raised hackles protecting his friend and Blaine almost turned back because what must Hunter think of him? Would he stop him before he even had the chance to speak? He braved it and gave Hunter a nod and a twitch of his lips that was meant to be a smile.

With each step towards Sebastian his heart pounded as if it were in danger. Boom, boom, boom... When his voice came out, he hardly recognized it as his own and when Sebastian turned to face him his booming heart ached all over again because god dammit he was still so beautiful.

“Hey, Seb.” It was soft and unsure and he prayed to see his smile, but knew he’d get the same old, I don’t care about anything, smirk.

Sebastian’s POV:

Sebastian didn’t care about this stupid Warbler party. He couldn't care less about pretending and parading around talking about majors and future plans and cramped dorm rooms and sketchy roommates. He hardly checked his Facebook let alone keep up with fucking Trent or some other random wasp from BFE Ohio. Sebastian didn’t even really know if he considered himself a Warbler anymore. Of course, Hunter insisted that he was. It was Seb, after all, who helped him climb out of his Steroid problem and who was dance captain for his short time at the school. He didn’t really have any friends from Dalton, just Hunter and Seb couldn’t decide half of the time if that was out of “bro code” or “owing him one”. He had run away to Paris after his heart was broken by every good Dalton boy’s favorite guy and he never went back. Sebastian’s heart wasn’t in Westerville, it wasn’t in Paris, either. Sebastian would know, he had spent countless nights chasing gold in the blue and brown eyes of Parisian men. His heart wasn’t even in his own body that he filled with expensive alcohol and nicotine, that he gave away to random boys under the flash of blue and pink lights, in graffitied bathroom stalls, in the back of expensive cars, in rooms where wives were gone for the weekend.

Hunter had begged, and Sebastian hated it when he begged. “C’mon,dude. Don’t make me go alone. Everyone will ask about you.” “Man up and go. Don’t be a dick.” “Bas, please go.” Sebastian kept insisting in texts and phone calls that he found the party to be a waste of time even though he and his friend both knew he was afraid of seeing a certain somebody there. “What’s the point? It’s a party for people who had their peak in high school. How pitiful.” Hunter ignored him and told him that Blaine probably wouldn’t show up. Suddenly it was the evening of the party and Sebastian was being shoved into an Uber by Hunter who was visiting from Cambridge for the weekend. He chainsmoked the entire way to the party much to the chagrin of their disgruntled driver. Sebastian kept his eyes locked on the rear view mirror to make distinct eye contact with the grumpy man driving, he’d take a long drag anytime their eyes met and the man would huff. Hunter left a big tip, Sebastian winked on the way out with a dry laugh. “That was probably the most fun I’m going to have tonight.”

He walked into the party, the apartment was nice enough and lit with white Christmas lights strung everywhere. There was generic pop music throbbing through the walls and plenty to drink, nothing too crazy expensive but nothing cheap that would cause a terrible hangover the next morning. There were more than just former Warblers, there were some girls and some random guys. Maybe Sebastian could score tonight and leave early, lock Hunter out of his apartment that he did not remember inviting him to stay in.

Seb poured himself a shot of vodka and tossed it back before Jeff made eye contact with him and tried pulling him into a hug. He held his hands out and simply deadpanned a “No way.” before he turned to pour himself another shot as the blonde prattled on about whatever Ivy League he was attending. Sebastian nodded towards the balcony, Hunter followed and Jeff got the hint. Hunter started to reprimand Sebastian about how he could at least try to be nice but all he could focus on was the light snow that began to swirl in the air and the itch in the back of his throat for another cigarette. He waved his hand dismissively and lit another one, tilted his head back and exhaled into the dark sky.

Seb flicked his cigarette into the New York night. Maybe the ashes would settle among the stars. He tried to focus on that thought rather than listen to the familiar voice he had heard slip through the crack in the balcony door. He knew the minute he turned around, he was going to be Blaine’s fool all over again. Sebastian became aware of everything at once. He could feel Hunter shift his weight, he must have seen him through the windows. He could hear the conversation get louder over the excitement of Blaine being there, could feel the air trying to escape from his lungs, the butterflies fight against his rib-cage, his heart pound in his fucking ears. He swallowed a thick gulp that he hoped the other man didn’t see and took a shaky drag as he stared at the snow gathering on the buildings around them. Blaine loves this shit, he thought to himself. Sebastian hated the cold but he would stand in a blizzard if it meant listening to Blaine wax poetic about snow globes and winter magic. He’d never say any of that out loud, he’d rather throw himself off of the balcony into the busy streets of the city.

Sebastian bit his bottom lip and closed his eyes for a moment when he heard the door creak, the sounds of the party drift on the cold winter air. He needed to suck it up and turn around. He could do this. Sebastian spun around, his green eyes on Blaine’s giant golden ones immediately as if by some magnetic force. He took a slow, deliberate drag of his cigarette, prayed that nobody could hear the rapid thud of his give away heart in his chest. Sebastian noticed David’s tall figure behind him, felt Hunter’s nerves and heard him mutter “fuck…” under his breath. He flicked his cigarette, “Relax, David. I won’t hurt him.” Sebastian smirked, couldn’t look away from Blaine. He looked...well obviously he looked wonderful, he always did. Snowflakes were starting to collect in his black curls and his cheeks were red from the bitter winter air.

Sebastian hoped his voice sounded even and cool, hoped his chill ‘I don’t give a fuck’ demeanor that he worked way too hard on was evident, even though he felt like he was sixteen and stuck in the midst of a raging crush all over again.

“Hey Killer. Long time no see.”

Blaine’s POV:

Blaine’s brain buzzed at the use of his old nickname. The one that had gotten him in trouble with Kurt, the first time they were together, every single time it was used by Sebastian. Blaine had always secretly liked it, liked that it was his and no one else called him that. He’d never tell Seb, even as they had gotten closer, he always rolled his eyes and shook his head as if it miffed him when in reality it sent the butterflies fluttering around his belly. It was almost as nice as when Seb would eventually whisper B... into his ear when he’d let Blaine kiss his neck… Best not go there, Anderson. That was years ago. So, he rolled his eyes and sighed.

“Not that same old tune again.” He tried to make it sound playful, but really it just made him ache more. He turned and looked over his shoulder at David, giving him a small smile. “It’s okay- I’m okay.” He wondered if David knew he was lying. He nodded as if that would forced the point. David sighed and stepped back into the party, but Blaine could still see the outline of his body close to the door. He was thankful.

There was a snowflake clinging to Seb’s cheek like a lifeline, no wait, it was ash from the careless flick of Seb’s cigarette and Blaine wanted nothing more than to take his glove off, reach out and swipe it away with his thumb. Once upon a time Blaine had been on to him about this bad habit, and how dangerous it was, but couldn’t deny it’s attractiveness… This was absolute insanity. Blaine had only had Sebastian for a short time, but that was all it took to completely ruin him. Perhaps he ruined himself in the process, it was his fault they cracked in the first place. Right? His heart gave a painful thump as he let himself think back to their months spent getting to know each other, the real person behind their facades. He remembered his first taste of Seb’s mouth against his and how he thought, in that moment, that he’d be happy just kissing him for the rest of his life, but then their one perfect, intimate night together proved him wrong. He’d just wanted to touch him forever.

And for a moment, lost in his thoughts, Blaine almost smiled at the memories. That was until he remembered what came after, the news that ripped his happiness apart and left him gutted, the loss that rendered Blaine useless to himself and everyone else. The loss was his downfall in more ways than one and the reason Blaine allowed himself to go back to Kurt and the reason he was skittish now, the reason he hadn’t kissed anyone in nine months, the reason he was stuck in this shell of himself in the first place. Phantom fingers squeezed the back of his neck again and he swallowed hard, hoping it wasn’t noticed. Breathe in, breathe out. Count to ten. You’ve got this, Blaine. He shoved his hands into his pockets, hoping they’d think he was shaking from the cold.

He cleared his throat, forcing himself out of his memories, memories that did nothing but hurt him like they no doubt hurt Sebastian, even though the other man seemed to be doing fine on the outside, Blaine remembered the stricken, pained look and the welling of tears in too bright green eyes. Blaine knew you couldn’t fake that. He took another deep breath, and made himself smile up at the taller man, it was small and meek, but it was a smile nonetheless. He couldn’t bring himself to look Sebastian in the eye, so he instead focused on the little fleck of ash on his cold flushed cheek and tried not to think about how Sebastian was more breathtaking than the snowy city skyline he adored so much.

“I’m surprised you came, it’s not really your scene, is it?’ He forced a laugh, noting how Hunter was flicking looks between the two of them and over his shoulder where David was still no doubt lurking. “I didn’t even know you were in New York.” A lie- and it just rolled off of his tongue as if to prove something. But of course Blaine knew Seb was here, had been for maybe two years. “Are you going to school here, or just visiting?” The small talk would be the death of him. He’d give anything to just be in his shitty, yet cozy apartment where he wasn’t on display and where he could at least try to pretend he wasn’t miserable with a Netflix and donuts distraction. Midnight felt years away.

Sebastian’s POV:

“Well, you’ve always had an effect on me, B. You have me feeling a little nostalgic.” Sebastian took another long drag and blew the smoke out of the side of his mouth, one arm folded across his chest to clutch at his arm, cigarette at his side. He heard Hunter scoff and could see the shake of his head as if to say ‘you never give anything a rest, do you?’ How could he give anything a rest when his biggest regret was standing in front of him with nervous tension in the crease of his forehead?

Sebastian finished his cigarette and dropped it to the ground, stomped the flame out with the tip of his boot. It would be a little gift for the random Warbler who owned the apartment. He shoved his hands into his pockets and nodded as Blaine spoke. Sebastian noticed that he wasn’t making eye contact, which was strange for him. Blaine was charismatic and talkative and charming, he could sell paper to a tree. The warm light that normally seemed to follow the other man everywhere he went seemed dimmed, his smile didn’t reach those perfect eyes. Sebastian knew hurt, he knew quiet pain and it was written all over Blaine.

Hunter mumbled that he was going to grab them some drinks and left the balcony to just the two of them. Seb could hear New Years party goers yelling in the streets, could what laughter and dull music and car horns. It would be midnight soon and he wished he was lost in a crowded bar right about now rather than faking small talk with somebody he used to adore. Sebastian hated small talk and he hated faking how he really felt and here he was, failing at both.

“Okay, small talk. Here we go. Yeah, it’s not my scene. Hunter begged me to come. I’ve lived here for a couple years. I go to Columbia. How about you, Blaine? Living your wildest dreams? Married yet? Starring on Broadway? Breaking hearts? What’s new?” He cleared his throat and forced a smirk. He knew he sounded abrasive. Sebastian shoved his hands in his coat pockets and rocked back on his heels, ducking his head to try and get the other man to look at him, to really look at him. “See something you like?” He couldn’t wait for Hunter to come back with a drink to distract his hands and quiet his mind for a brief moment.

Blaine’s POV:

Blaine let out a mirthless laugh, it sounded small and timid in his ears and he cursed himself for sounding that way. He opened his mouth to reply, to say something that could match Sebastian, to keep up with him the way he used to be able to, but nothing came out. He just nodded, his shoulder coming up in a shrug as if he’d forgotten how to use his mouth. This was hell for him. This tension, this emotion that was threatening to take hold of him. Why the hell had he come out here? To say hi? What kind of bullshit was that? Did he think that it would prove something to himself? That he could do it without falling apart? There was a reason he hadn’t spoken to Sebastian in over two years. There was a reason Sebastian’s stance was defensive right now. There was a reason Blaine was internally falling apart all over again, after he’d done such a bang up job putting himself back together. He should have just left. It would have been better for him than this...whatever this was.

He watched as Hunter left the balcony, leaving him and Sebastian, miraculously, all alone. Seriously, why wasn’t this spot running wild with party goers? Midnight wasn’t even twenty minutes away and the people of New York would usually kill for this spot. Up high in the grey black skyline of NYC, he could even hear the faint sounds of Taylor Swift singing in Times Square in the silence that lay between him and Sebastian. Perfect melancholy soundtrack for this kind of night he guessed. He opened his mouth to try again, to maybe fill the silence but Sebastian beat him to it seeming annoyed and irritated that Blaine had asked anything at all. The use of his name caused him to tense for a split second and wonder what he’d said to warrant that when he remembered this was Sebastian. Sebastian’s default was usually annoyance. Or seduction.

He tried to make himself relax, and found that his first thought was to wonder how insensitive Sebastian could be to joke about Broadway and marriage, but he had to remind himself that Sebastian had only been around for the first part of his battle. He only knew half of what had happened to him. He didn’t know that he’d lost the music inside of him or that he felt every single day like an impostor in his own life and that love apparently was not for him. He took another deep breath and tried not to notice how Sebastian’s head dipped down for him, ducking so that he could see him. Or so that he could make Blaine see. It was familiar and a call back to younger years and it made Blaine’s heart flip. Yeah, Seb, I do. I see you. But, he didn’t say that because that wasn’t fair. Instead he stumbled over his words.

“I- N-no, I’m a Sophomore at NYU. I, um, I took a year off after high school because, um, well, you know.” He shrugged. Yeah, blame it on the dead parents. Sure, it was partially true, but Kurt and his “helpful” suggestion to take a break and stay with him for peace of mind was the real reason and it had done nothing but damage his mind. He took another deep breath and forced himself to finally look up at Seb. To look at his face properly, his eyes meeting an intense and familiar green that were hiding their emotions very carefully. Same as always. Blaine had spent months, once upon a time, gently tugging those walls down and with regret he remembered how they snapped harshly back into place within seconds, blocking him out completely.

His anxiety was on the rise again with those kinds of thoughts and he visibly swallowed and took another deep breath. His mantra repeating in his head over and over. Breathe in, breathe out. Count to ten. You’ve got this, Blaine. Maybe it didn’t really work, maybe he was kidding himself but it was currently keeping him from his urge to cry. To obsess over Sebastian’s flippant and annoyed words because maybe Blaine had broken Seb’s heart, but he’d also broken his own in the process. The fucking thing was still in pieces that never seemed to want to fit back the way they were supposed to. But his therapist had helped him see that while his actions when he was younger were warranted, given the circumstances, he maybe could have done it in a better way. Explained himself better to Sebastian. Then maybe the two of them would be someplace else right now and Blaine would have never gone back to Kurt. He also should have stayed in therapy in high school and not stopped going for years when Kurt told him he didn’t need it. His head might be someplace else right now as well.

He tried at sarcasm. “If you consider a cramped Brooklyn flat with a closet for a bedroom and working two and half jobs on top of classes The Dream then sure, yeah, I’m living it.” The sarcasm fell flat and he only ended up sounding self deprecating which made him want to kick himself because he didn’t want Seb’s pity. He ignored the marriage question altogether and instead chose to focus on what was actually new in his life. What could he even say? Hey Seb, I’m super fucked up, I’ve been in heavy therapy that’s breaking my bank for six months now. I take a shit load of meds that make me want to sleep for days sometimes, or keep me awake for days at other times. And sometimes they make it so I can’t eat, not even my sweets, you remember how I liked those, right? Yeah, and sometimes they make it so I can’t cry and then some days I can’t stop crying. Oh yeah, after my parents died and I lost you I went back to Kurt and he ended up being a bully this time around, like the worst kind. Can you believe I allowed myself to get abused? He struggled even thinking that word. Fuck.

No. No, he couldn’t say any of that. But, he needed to say something. Something that was good and positive about himself. Just fucking make something up, Blaine. “Ah, well, as I said, I’ve moved to Brooklyn. Like seven or so months ago. It’s cramped, and weird living alone after, um, never living alone before but it’s mine and I get a lot of time with my music now.” Never mind that he wasn’t writing or even playing at all. Only when it came to his school work and even then it was mostly uninspired.

“What about you? Is New York treating you as good as Paris does?” Suddenly he wanted to just tell Sebastian that he missed him. That he thought about him all the damn time and that over the course of the last four years he’d picked up his phone to call him and tell him and to beg him to come back to him over a dozen times. The one time he actually did it didn’t really count because he had been intoxicated and it was messy. Instead he lamely asked, “How’s your mom?” because he’d always liked Sabine and it was the furthest thing away from I miss you as possible.

He turned and looked back into the sliding glass of the apartment door, wanting to break the eye contact in some way, feeling trapped in the emerald hue. He didn’t want to feel trapped. It made him anxious. He could make out the shape of Hunter and David bent together conversationally as they slowly made their way back towards them. Both of them carried drinks in each hand. God, he wished they’d hurry. He could feel himself crumbling. The facade of happiness he’d painted on for his old friends falling apart the longer he stood out here talking like nothing had happened. He always did this with Sebastian. Always gave way too much of himself away to him. He let him see everything. And maybe it was because with Seb, he was allowed to be too much. Or he used to be allowed anyway. Now he had nothing. Just memories that ate him up all the time. Making Blaine feel the other shitty things in his life even more intensely.

He wrapped his arms around himself to try and hold himself together. Midnight was close. It would arrive and then leave and Seb would, too. Probably putting the thought of Blaine back into whatever locked compartment he kept him in. And Blaine would go home and feel the chance meeting way too much and all at once and fuck he needed more to drink. His head was already throbbing right along with his heart at the thought of having to sit alone and feel this little conversation.

Sebastian’s POV:

Sebastian could see a million little emotions flit across Blaine’s face. Sebastian had kept track for a little while on social media but, it had hurt him to see that he had gotten back with Kurt. He had taken a step back after that. He stopped checking his Facebook obsessively, stopped staring at his Instagram, didn’t send texts or snaps. Blaine had drunkenly called him one glorious, hopeful night but it was all taken away from him the next morning. Sebastian noticed that Blaine mentioned moving and living alone. He had heard that the two of them had split and kept that information folded up like a secret love note in the back of his head. Sebastian couldn’t keep his stomach from flipping in excitement to basically hear it confirmed out loud. He reprimanded the butterflies battering his ribs, had to silently remind them that simply hearing words didn’t really mean anything and they were all just going to be let down again. “Isn’t it strange? We’ve both been running around the city for about the same amount of time and haven’t ran into each other? I suppose it’s because you’d never find me in Brooklyn.” Sebastian threw in a trademark eye roll for good measure, trying his best to keep his voice blase. His fingers itched to light a cigarette, his nerves were on fire from the specific spike of adrenaline that only a past heartbreak can cause.

He ran a hand through his hair to shake away the snowflakes that had gathered there and shivered, he wasn’t sure if it was from the nerves or from the weather. “New York treats me just fine. There are so many beautiful men, so many parties. I stay busy.”

Sebastian’s face fell slightly when the other man asked about his mother. Part of him felt angry, like how dare he? Maybe if he cared so much he could have reached out a few times. The other part of him understood because Blaine grew close with Sabine in the short time they were involved. Seb knew that if she were there, she’d pull the other man into a lavender scented hug and tell him in her accent that she had missed seeing him around. “She’s good.” He shrugged his shoulders. Sebastian wasn’t about to get into any of the messy details of how their relationship had become fucked up since Blaine was in his kitchen baking Christmas cookies with her. He loved his mother, she was his closest confidant. But he had messed up so many times in the past few years that she had developed little worry lines in her beautiful forehead, sounded sad on the phone with him more often than not, cried for him and begged him to slow down.

Sebastian heard the door slide open, saw Hunter and David appear with drinks behind Blaine. “Fucking finally.” He held out his hand for his drink. “Took you long enough. We could use the pick me up, couldn’t we, B?”

Blaine’s POV:

Blaine tried to smile, but it came out more as a wince.”Yeah, I guess you’re right.” In reality Blaine knew it was relatively easy to avoid someone when you knew they lived around you. Blaine would often find himself checking in on Hunter’s Instagram or Facebook or Twitter to see if he was in town. Hunter was much more active on socials and would often post some of the places he and Sebastian would frequent. Blaine knew places to avoid in Manhattan for the most part. Plus, it wasn’t like Blaine had spent his first years here going out and about by himself all the time. No, that was difficult when where you went and what you did was mostly dictated by someone else. When you mostly only did things that they wanted to do.

“Hey, Brooklyn isn’t so bad. I’ve been working at a local coffee shop and a bar there for the last few months and it’s been pretty therapeutic. And sure, the apartment is shitty, but it beats the overpriced ritzy places in Manhattan.” He rolled his eyes, trying to come across as playful. His apartment in Manhattan had actually been incredible. Just not the people he had to share it with. He wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to forgive Rachel for denying what was happening right in front of her. He cleared his throat, trying to get rid of the thought before he was engulfed in more anxiety about it. “Besides, I lived in Manhattan for the first three years I lived here, so there was always the chance we could have run into each other then. Guess fate wasn’t having it.”

Beautiful men and parties. Of course Blaine knew Sebastian did that sort of thing. He did that sort of thing when he was fifteen. But, he could feel that this was meant to sting him a little and if not, it stung anyway. He didn’t like thinking about Sebastian with random men every weekend, but he wasn’t stupid. Not about this anyway. And Sebastian had never been shy about his sex life. It didn't matter if he already knew though, he could feel his face fall at the confirmation, could feel the sudden stricken look and did his best to cover it up. He bit his lip and forced himself to nod. “It’s good that you’re keeping busy. I’m happy the city has been good to you.” the words tasted rotten on his tongue and where the hell were Hunter and David?

Blaine noted the way Sebastian’s face fell at the mention of Sabine and knew that he’d messed up by asking. Blaine had been incredibly fond of her, he found her glamorous and lovely and admired the way she loved Sebastian so much. But Seb’s short answer and stiff shrug made Blaine wonder if maybe she hated him now, too. Hated him for hurting her son even though Blaine hadn’t wanted to. He wouldn’t blame her. He still hated himself for it. “I’m glad to hear that.” The words felt hollow even though they were true.

David waited until Blaine could see him before he nudged him and handed him his drink. The cup was full and Blaine had to fight the urge to down it in one go.He shouldn’t be drinking anything at all. It would work against his medicine and probably make him sick but he couldn’t find it in him to care as he took a gulp like the whisky was water. Yeah, Seb had been right, the pick me up was needed. He smiled and thanked David for the drink, his friend asking if he was cool before he moved to lean against the railing on the balcony with Hunter. The two of them were turned toward each other and seemed to be picking up their earlier conversation which left him alone with Sebastian again.

He turned towards his old friend- friend? Lover? God, what even was Sebastian to him? Neither word seemed good enough. He lifted his cup for another drink, his eyes catching on Seb’s cheek again. The cigarette ash was still there. Still kissing Seb’s cheekbone and Blaine opened his mouth to tell him about it when the sounds of thousands of people started counting from the streets below joined by the crowd in the apartment. He froze, the voices blending like a choir in perfect harmony.

They had gotten to from eight to five and Blaine shot Hunter and David a look because why didn’t they tell them what time it was? Blaine had been hoping to excuse himself before midnight, was hoping to have himself hidden away in the bathroom so he didn’t have to hug a bunch of strangers or have someone kiss his cheek and he didn’t have to pretend he was excited for the new year. But, here he was, standing not even three feet from Sebastian Smythe and he didn’t know what to do. 4-3-2… and suddenly there were fireworks bursting overhead, it was a new year and there was confetti billowing in the winter night to the melancholy tune of Auld Lang Syne as it rang out. Snowflakes danced in the air while the people below kissed and laughed like they'd never feel sorrow again. He wished he could relate.

Sebastian's POV:

Sebastian’s stomach fell, fell through the apartment building floors, the butterflies gone. Guess fate wasn’t having it. His mouth stiffened and he took a sharp breath. He wanted to pinch the bridge of his nose, a nervous tick of his when he got frustrated. Sebastian fought against his own body, the acidic sick feeling in his stomach, the jittery adrenaline running through his veins, the trapped 16 year old in his brain yelling and screaming and begging Blaine to just fucking take him back. Just tell me you miss me, please. I miss you. I feel like you hate me and that makes me hate myself. “It was fate, sure.” Sebastian’s voice was dry and he fought the urge to laugh. You know that maniacal laughter when everything is just too much and your lungs feel like they might explode and your skin is burning and all you want to do is scream and laugh and tell everybody to just fuck off? “I guess fate has never favored me.”

He was so over this small talk. He was disgusted by the reactions happening under his skin that nobody but him could feel. Blaine was Sebastian’s first and only heartbreak. He was disgusted by how sprung he still was, had lied to himself and told himself that he was over it. Sebastian had never been over it and that realization was so embarrassing that he could hardly stand himself and he wanted to tear himself out of his skin. Most of the words Blaine was saying were just floating over his head at this point, he was so disappointed with the direction of this meeting. Sometimes when Sebastian got drunk or sad or high enough he would let himself imagine reuniting with Blaine. That Blaine would tell him he missed him and Sebastian would say that he loved him and they’d patch each other’s wounds and kiss in pools and hold hands in parks and share french fries and Blaine would tackle him in his mother’s backyard and kiss him all over his face, his neck and they’d laugh until their stomachs hurt again.

Sebastian took a much needed swig of his vodka cranberry that Hunter had made a little too weak and rolled his eyes to himself. Of course Hunter wouldn’t make him a strong drink. He was probably too worried about him. It didn’t matter, Sebastian already planned on ditching the party for a bar anyway. Suddenly, the world seemed to explode into noise. Sebastian could hear the countdown echoing all around them. Hunter and David distracted and cheering, clapping each other on the back. The people inside of the apartment wrapped in the golden glow of Christmas lights left up from the days before, some of them were kissing strangers or old lovers, shaking hands and hugging and laughing. A few of the party goers exploded onto the balcony in a burst of noisemakers and music but Sebastian felt like he was alone, just staring at Blaine as he awkwardly clasped his plastic cup. He felt like he was stuck in the worst snow globe ever produced. Such a sad scene; two damaged boys too afraid to fix anything surrounded by kissing strangers and dirty snow and cheering partiers. They say that the people you’re with at midnight on New Year’s eve were who you would spend your year with. The thought made Sebastian feel so alone because he didn’t really feel like Blaine was really there.

In the back of his head, where he kept his most guarded secrets, Sebastian knew he would give anything to be wrapped in the warmth of Blaine, the glow of cheap lights on their skin, kissing the taste of New Year’s champagne away.

The words were out of his lips before he could stop them. Sebastian knew his eyes looked pained, and that his flirty voice didn’t match his sad but eager body language.

“You don’t wanna kiss me, B?”

Blaine’s POV:

Blaine’s body tensed even more at Sebastian’s words. He knew Sebastian didn’t believe in fate or any of that sort of thing, but the way he said seemed so sad. No Seb, I’m the one that fate doesn’t favor. I’m the fuck up and the reason we’re in this awkward, forced conversation. I’m the reason you’re making yourself stand out here in the cold that you hate so much. You’ve never liked it, only tolerated it for me. Blaine used to love the wintertime, it was magical and it made him feel so full of wonder but he’d lost so much during the winter that the magic had turned harsh and had made him bitter towards the season. No, it wasn’t Seb’s fault or fate’s. It was all his. Why were they doing this? Sebastian hated small talk. He’d always hated the way people scrambled for answers to questions he didn’t give a shit about.

It’s my fault you’re out here, making yourself do things you don’t like doing in the first place. I’m always making you do that. Pushing you out of your comfort zone... Always making you feel and hurt and god, you should hate me. The only thing you ever did wrong was let someone like me see how good you are. You wasted it on me. The words were there, threatening to push past his teeth. He could remember the hurt, no the heart wrenching look on Sebastian’s face when he’d broke it off with him. It didn’t matter why he did it. But he would face a thousand insults and bruises every single day again over seeing that face ever again. He ignored the little voice that sounded a lot like Sam, telling him that he had been forced to face that anyway. A voice sounding like his own told him he must've deserved it.

You don’t wanna kiss me, B?”

Hunter and David were suddenly paying very close attention to the two of them now. And the words sent a spike through his heart and at first he thought he might have been being cruel. Taunting him, and turning what they had into some mockery, but the tone didn’t match his face. Seb’s eyes were full of a pain that Blaine knew well, and his face was eager and open and Blaine could, for just a moment, read him like a book. God, how much are you hurting, Seb? And for a second Blaine ached to just pull him into his arms and hold him close. To reassure him that their time together was so much more than just a fling. That he had loved him wholly and completely and still did. He wanted to kiss his face and tell him that he was so fucking sorry for how it ended and that he deserved the world. He wanted to tell him that even when he had gotten trapped by Kurt and manipulated into a three year relationship of insecurities, and head games that he was unable to dig himself out of, he'd thought about Sebastian. Seb wouldn’t have done those things to Blaine.

What I wouldn’t give to turn back our timeline and keep you with me. Make you feel all the love and attention I have for you. I’d make you see that you deserved all of it and none of the bullshit I did. I’d let you help me though what I lost and I wouldn’t have pushed you away, no matter how much it hurt to bring you down with me.

Still the words were locked in his brain, he couldn’t say them. He didn’t deserve that peace of mind. Telling him how much he missed the summer nights and autumn weekends and winter touches wouldn’t do shit. The damage to them and then to Blaine had already been done. Blaine had started it and then Kurt had seen to the rest. He’d messed Blaine’s mind up completely and manipulated him into thinking he wasn’t good enough for anyone. Therapy only went so far and even Blaine knew that if he wasn’t so stupid he would have left Kurt before it got as bad as it did. And then maybe he’d have found a way back to Sebastian and begged him to give him another chance. But Blaine had been stupid and and wanting to tell Sebastian all of this stuff was unfair to the other man because even if Seb gave him a chance Blaine was so fucked up he wasn’t sure he knew how to do any of it anymore. Nor did he deserve the chance. His hands had gone clammy in his gloves thinking about his relationship with Kurt and he wanted to scream. The cheering and the music and the blood rushing in his ears was all too much.

Maybe Blaine was wrong and he was misreading everything. Maybe Sebastian wasn’t hurting and was only being polite to him because he felt sorry for him. Maybe someone had told him about the last few years of his pathetic life and Seb was taking pity on him. Maybe he and Hunter would go home later and laugh at him. He swallowed hard, biting into his lip hard enough to feel the pain, his breathing picking up as he really looked at Sebastian. No, Blaine wasn’t wrong. Sebastian was hurting, the pain was truly written all over his face. In the way he stood, in the way he tried too hard to sound casual. He didn’t need to try, casual was as easy for Sebastian Smythe as breathing. This was different. The man in front of him was feeling some of the same things as him and it made Blaine feel even worse about himself.

He wanted to run, he wanted to scream but most of all he wanted to walk over and kiss Sebastian. The words had left him with an even bigger ache than he had when he’d first spotted him that night and if he didn’t leave soon he’d embarrass himself not only in front of Sebastian but in front of the rest of his old friends. Some legend, huh? He took a deep breath and lifted his cup to his lips and finished his drink, trying to figure out how he could leave. But, as he was setting the empty cup on the ground and his feet were instantaneously carrying him towards the taller man and his fingers were shedding his gloves. And while Blaine knew he couldn’t kiss him, he wasn’t brave enough nor was it fair to Sebastian, he knew that he needed to at least touch him. Show him that he missed him and that he was happy- or as happy as he could feel right now, to see him.

He tucked his gloves into his coat pocket and stepped up to his person. His eyes were level with Seb’s shoulders and he couldn’t bring himself to look up for a moment. Finally, after what felt like hours but had probably only been seconds, Blaine lifted his eyes to meet Sebastian’s. The other man seemed frozen in time. Blaine’s left hand, shaky and freezing, came up to rest against the side of his face, his thumb softly brushing the little flecks of ash that had made a home on Seb’s cheek away. How easy this felt to him. Standing here with Sebastian’s snow cold face in his hands. It felt so good and Blaine’s lips twitched into an almost smile… And what was he doing? All at once Blaine was overwhelmed. His breath hitched and his eyes were suddenly blurred either from the cold or tears either way it made him drop his hand and shake his head.

“I- I- fuck, um, you just h-had something…” He lifted his hands to show that Seb had something on his face but it seemed silly now and he shook his head, frustrated that he couldn’t get the words out. “I’m sorry. I should go. I have to work in the morning.” A lie. He ducked his head, feeling his anxiety overtake him and why he hadn't brought anything to calm himself down? He looked up, but not into Seb’s eyes, his arms wrapping around himself as he felt like a deer in the headlights. He nodded a goodbye to Hunter and shook his head at David. “I’m good David, I can get an Uber. Stay and have fun, okay?” He turned, head dipped and looked up at Seb through his lashes so that the other man couldn’t really see his face properly. “It was good to see you, Seb, I really hope you have a good night.” He swallowed hard and nodded, as if that would prove he meant it. “Happy New Year.”

Blaine turned on his heel and before David or anyone else could stop him he made his way into the crowded party. He kept his head ducked, bee lining it toward the front door, hoping to god that no one noticed him. He managed to avoid everyone’s hands but not their eyes as his name was called out over the music a few times by random voices, he nodded politely but didn’t stop. He hoped they’d understand and even if they didn’t it didn’t matter. It’d be months before they reached out to him again. The elevator was muggy as he rode down, which made the cold air that hit his heated face seem even more cold when he stepped out of the building. There was already a text from David asking if he was okay, and Nick had sent a series of question marks. Blaine ignored them, his eyes blurry as he pulled up the Uber app and tipsily tried to type the address of the party into his phone.

Breathe in and back out again, Blaine. Count to ten. You’ve got this.

It wouldn’t be until he was home an hour later, tucked into his creaky bed and numb with a dose of sleepiness via an Ambien bottle and the whisky from the party that he’d allow himself to really feel the events of the night as the emotion and pills pulled him into sleep. His eyes would be red and his head would be pounding in the morning.

Sebastian’s POV:

Sebastian knew it was cliche but to him it suddenly felt like the world had stopped. Blaine was moving towards him, he was taking his gloves off, reaching for him. The snow fell slowly, slowly, slowly and his music-worn hand was on his cheek. He knew those hands so well once upon a time, knew the calluses at his fingertips, had felt them drag across his belly underneath his tee shirt, felt them on his lips. He blinked and stood silently as Blaine’s thumb wiped at a spot on his cold cheek. Sebastian became aware of Hunter and David watching, he could feel the hush that fell over their conversation. He wondered if Hunter regretted begging him to come. Hunter had stood by on the sidelines when the two of them were involved, and had tried to pick up the pieces at their abrupt end. Hunter got to, once again, witness Sebastian’s downfall.

Just as fast as Blaine’s rough hand cradled his cheek, it dropped back to his side and Sebastian felt colder than he had all evening. “Thanks for that.” He muttered the words mostly to himself as he rubbed his own hand over the spot. “Same to you.” Sebastian watched as Blaine hurried through the party. He noticed that he didn’t stop to say goodbye to anybody. Blaine had changed a lot in the past few years, that was for sure. Sebastian never thought he’d witness Blaine shy away from attention or the chance to work a room with his bright smile and easy going charm.

Sebastian decided that he had had enough of the party and the reunions and took off as Hunter tried to walk over. His friend was talking but Sebastian had ignored him with a hand up in the air. Sebastian weaved through the bodies inside of the apartment and ignored everybody that called out to him, though it was only a few people since most knew better. He could feel Hunter following but didn’t turn around, instead he chose to basically throw himself down the stairs and run into a cab that was waiting for somebody else. Sebastian was faster than Hunter, he could lose him. He shoved a fifty towards the driver and gave him the address of a random club he knew he could score boys and free drinks and drugs at, “and hurry.”

He lit a cigarette outside of the club and exhaled into the bitter air. He shoved his free hand in his pocket and let the nicotine wash over his nerves. Sebastian could hear the bass from the club reverberate through the air around him. He wasn’t going to cry. He wasn’t going to scream or send any shitty messages. He was going to finish this cigarette, get some guy to buy him a few rounds, maybe do a few lines in the bathroom, dance until his thighs burned in a wash of colorful lights, and end up in the bed of a guy with dark hair but not the right eyes.

/fin.

#seblaine #seblaine canon divergence #seblaine para #para: memories #seblaine rp #para

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fmlfpl · 4 years

Photo

Lineup Lamentations - GW35+

Our Transfers, Captains, and Starting 11s for the week!

—

WALSH

TRANSFERS:

OUT: Kane and Calvert-Lewin

IN (for -4 points): Firmino and Benteke

Welp, Kane and Mou hooked me again - nothing new there.

DCL I still love and it is quite upsetting that I didn't own him this season when he was getting all his points and did own him for a strand of just straight blanks and nothingness since the restart. Oh well. I'm sure this is not the last of DCL in my team, and I will look forward to owning him next year. If anything, maybe this barren spell is a blessing in disguise as it may keep his price down a bit and prevent him from having much preseason buzz...

As shouted on the pod, it seems like its a nice time to reunite with old friends. Benteke picks himself, love him so much and maybe he bangs in the revenge game. Just a fun punt.

Bob has been pretty fucking bad for FPL but I love him and haven't owned him all season. I can stomach a few blanks from the lad, but at least I don't have Kane anymore. It's probably not a good sign for my rank that I'm using the tv guide as a significant factor in my decision making process but hey, whatever brooo. I am definitely worried a bit about him starting against Burnley but he did just rest against Villa so maybe he'll be good to go for the duration. Another old friend and someone who I get a lot of xJOY from watching - there is nothing that I've seen from him that leads me to believe he'll get in the points, and I don't think there is some hidden gem here for the run in by any stretch, but I like him so I'm getting him. Basically I figured it's more fun to have him than to start a third Wolves defender..again...and also seems cooler and more fun than any other defender so let's do it :)

GK:

de Gea (SOU)

DDG didn't have to do much so he got a clean. Great job by him and United. It's a good sign that when Ole makes his five subs he's bringing on Fredrick and other shithouses and kind of killing the game dead which doesn't make the last handful of minutes feel so nervy.

Soton are good, though, and I could see them scoring, but with the way United have looked they still feel like a good place to back for cleans. He's not making any saves really to speak of but 3 cleans in 5 from the restart is right about where I thought they'd be.

DEF:

Maguire (SOU)

I am going to roll with the slab over Saiss to keep my shares at 2 for United and 2 for Wolves cleans. Same kinda shit with DDG, he's been individually bad as per but the team is dominating and I see that continuing against Soton.

Dock & Boly (EVE)

Really, really, really, really, really good fixture for a clean.

It's always hard to imagine where an Everton goal could come from and this fixture is no exception. As long as they don't get caught on a counter ping long ball, which they shouldn't do with the extra CB, they should be ok. I expect them to be in cruise control for this game and fully dominate and control it. Whether or not they themselves score, fuck if I know or care, but clean sounds good.

MID:

Sterling, De Bruyne, and Foden (bha)

Besides Raz, no clue if the other two will play 30, 60, or 90 but either way I expect this game to be an absolute fucking.

Rolling with the three City friends till the end seems good, and they are good.

Harry Potter plays some insane stuff and if he rolls out something similar here as he did do against Livp it could get silly. An early goal and the weed hanging their heads could mean many more to follow. That's the hope, anyway.

Bruno (SOU)

Ya, ok bro. Shitting points at the moment. Cool.

Pulisic (shu)

This is suddenly back to being a rough attacking fixture, but with the way Puli has been going recently I'll always back him to return against anyone. Sheffu midfield seems like it could be problematic and they as a team should beginning to feel it in their legs. Chelsea still need to win every game and Sheffu are kinda done for the season so hopefully they are on it and Puli running at Basham et al is too much for them to handle.

FWD:

Benteke (avl)

Back to his old stomping ground with Villa absolutely needing 3 points in this one I could see some goals for us. Just a fun play for me and again gives me something extra to cheer for on Sunday when I wake up to watch the game :)

Firmino (BUR)

He did put them to the sword in the reverse fixture..not that I usually put any stock in such a thing, but hey, it did happen so just reporting the news.

Without Mee I could envision him being difficult for them to contain with his movement so maybe he is going to get in there with some points. It wouldn't stun me to see him on the bench for like Minamino or some shit but hopefully not. Also is nice to have one of Alon's favorites in there to boot. Go get em Bobby.

CAP:

Sterling (bha)

Raz never in doubt.

Didn't start last game...and Jesus has just started a few in a row...so there's a reasonable chance he's playing striker. Love the fixture here and the stars seem to have aligned for the cap shout.

He's been playing really well lately so it makes this a really easy decision for me.

—

ALON

TRANSFERS:

OUT: Alexander-Arnold and Calvert-Lewin

IN: Saiss and Vardy

Off with the hyphenated names they’re banished from my team for rest of season no hyphens fuck it.

Dropping Trent feels akin to dropping Kevin: I’ve probably made a big woopsies here and he’s gonna start 4/4 or 3/4 and haul because he’s the best but... maybe not? Maybe he gets rested/rotated for Burnley as we expect and maybe Liverpool don’t clean rest of season as I personally expect and then I’m doing ok?

Maybe... maybe...

I’m also just going partially with gut on Vardy vs. Bournemouth more then anything else. Form is some sort of mystical lover and every time she’s in our grasp she slips away and every time we think she’s gone forever she reappears... Hoping the form angel pegs Vardy’s butt-hole this weekend and he hauls.

GK:

Ederson (bha)

Was Eddy worth the funds out the gate? Probably not... But I also know my own weaknesses and I’d’ve probably somehow have talked myself into some shit-can like Foster on no cleans and alas here we are.

I’ll take the points and genuinely expect a clean in all four remaining matches from Citeh.

DEF:

Doherty & Saiss (EVE)

Sheesh this feels yuge. Double Wolves into Everton come on Wolves. Don’t have anything to say I’m just on my hands and knees praying for this clean man...

Maguire (SOU)

Tough one for me to read.

Part of me thinks that the chaotic style of Southampton’s attack will have The Oaf on toast but also part of me thinks ManU will just strangle them to death with their elite possession and passing breaking the press all the time and Soton will be huffing and puffing by 45′... Not sure how this goes but yeah I duno.

Go get’em big guy.

MID:

De Bruyne & Mahrez (bha)

It’s very realistic that neither of my City dudes start and that tilts me off so hard just thinking about watching City do The Seaweed 6-0 or something and not be a part of anything fuck meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee REEEEEEEEEEE!

Martial & Fernandes (SOU)

I still think that these two are the best two ManU guys to get. Tony looked great despite not scoring and what can we even say about the lad Bruno he can’t not run into points right now.

Pulisic (shu)

Gonna be tough to break down but also the possession and pressure should be relentless from Chelsea here.

Hopefully Pulisic taking 9000 touches in the box leads to some FPL points that tricky little fucker I love him.

FWD:

Vardy (bou)

Come on Vardz.

Not a thing I often say but come on you Vardz. Take the Cherries apart baby.

Jimenez (EVE)

Walsh talked me into this (keeping Jim) on the pod and it made a whole lotta sense to me.

Sometimes in life you just need to talk it out with someone you trust like your pod partner and then you can see more clearly and here we are. I actually feel great about a Wolves bounce-back against an Everton side with no midfielders.

Jim should be getting lots of chances and touches in the box and get the fuck in there. Overdue for a pen too maybe Keane or Mina does some mad shit? I haven’t given up on you yet Jim. Let’s go.

CAP:

Vardy (bou)

Whatever, right?

I mean I think capping either of my City guys is completely unreasonable this week (for the record I would cap Raz over anyone this week) so it’s between basically Bruno, or Vardy for me this week...

Why would I cap Bruno there? What’s to be gained? He’s owned by everyone and will be capped by everyone. It’s not fun and it’s not how I play the game.

I see weeks like this as an opportunity to both have more fun and to go for a maybe under the radar cap shout huge chunk rise if he hauls and Bruno is held relativlely in check... No pressure Jamie no pressure at all... Just... save me... Plz...

#lineup lamentations

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ts-hvv4 · 4 years

Text

RITES OF PASSAGE

Let’s Look back fondly on those who have been voted out:

SARAH: We never got to talk and thats sad. Sorry to see you were first boot.

MALIK: You were cool and I liked you but you stopped being as active. Love to hear more from you though!

NED: Sorry bro, it was either going to be you or me. I saw from the other season you played that you seem to be a really skilled player, so it’s a bummer (and probably fortunate for me) that we didn’t get to see that play out this time. I assume that life just got in the way the first few days-- I totally understand that-- and I hope you’ve done well since we last spoke!

JAKE: You were fun to talk to but unfortunately a bit inactive and an easy vote.

SARAH: King of Starbucks. ILY but you were kinda inactive so Im sorry you left </3

MALIK: We didn't meet tbh but I heard thing about you.

NED: I didn’t get to play with you this time, but honestly I’m really glad I didn’t have to compete against you. Dude, you are a force to be reckoned with and I am so thankful this game wasn’t a repeat of Open Ocean (https://survivor-pacific-islands.fandom.com/wiki/Survivor:_Open_Ocean) where you voted me out first while I was on a ski trip two years ago!!! I don’t know if you’ll read this but you are one of the most dominant, scarily good players I’ve ever seen and I know if you lasted longer this game would have gone in a completely different direction. I know it’s been a while but I hope you’re doing great!

JAKE: I didn’t play with you and idk you.

SARAH: pls send me more pics of ur kitty cat. I love.

MALIK: I know you frrom Facebook! Sadly you didn't last here.

NED: I was hoping to be able to meet you but unfortunately things didn’t pan out that way. I’ve heard great things about you and I’m hoping we’re able to meet after this game ends!

JAKE: I didn’t play with you but I heard you were a crackhead rip

SARAH: We never got to chat but I screeched when I heard tribal council about how you snaked Kage in Thera.

MALIK: I actually really enjoyed your company! Sorry you left early, things just happened.

NED: Birch, you’re an incredibly kind person and I loved getting to know you. I really appreciated your openness and getting to see firsthand your genuine care for others. The only reason I voted you out is that it became apparent that you were probably not going to be on my side moving forward, but I hope you’ve been doing well since the world ended a couple weeks ago and I’d love to hear about how things are going since we last talked about them during the game.

JAKE: You were really nice in the game and I enjoyed our conversations, unfortunately I don’t think you connected enough with everyone which lead to your vote out.

SARAH: I literally never know if you are loyal to me or if you want me dead. You are a WILDCARD and I love playing with them but you were pretty bad for my game so I had to vote you out. I am sorry :(

MALIK: I heard you were chaotic! But also didn't officially meet you so sorry there.

NED: We didn’t really talk much but u seem cool. HAGS! I don’t know Kage so that was what I would say if we were in middle school and I was signing his yearbook

JAKE: Idk what you were on but you were kinda crackdt during our tribe swap which is why I think people wanted you out LOL

SARAH: I heard you went around telling everyone Andrea/Ned/I are in a F3 alliance really early on in the game. LOL 1) who are you? 2) how do you know me? 3) imagine after getting voted out having the audacity to still talk to ppl about the game. We love cheaters!

MALIK: Girl, girl, girl. You wanted me in your group, then you were talking RECKLESS about me, being fake about it but then spearheading a vote against me when I didn't do a damn thing to you. You say it wasn't personal but I felt it was because I didn't see why you went so hard to go after me. But gg to you though.

NED: Olivia!!!! Dang, I am really sad this went the way it did. When we talked on day 1 I was planning on being with you all the way. It just became clear that I wasn’t in your serious long-term plans when other people came to me about the 5-person alliance you were in pre-swap that you hid from me. I wish it could have worked out, because you’re super cool and you honestly should have gone much further than you did. You were a great player both strategically and socially and I needed people like that on my side, not against me! I can’t wait to talk to you again and catch up after the season’s over, because you’re a great person and I loved the time we had together.

JAKE: I was shook to see you get the boot pre-merge and I thought we would reunite again at some point, robbed and gone too soon

SARAH: Sorry you left, I loved the way you played on flops and would have really loved to work with you this season

MALIK: I actually really grew to like you a lot Keegan! Hard to connect to at first, but towards the end of the game, I really liked you. I hope we'll talk more afterwards.

NED: Dude, I really enjoyed talking to you and voting you out broke my heart because I know how much you wanted to be there. It came down to the same situation as Olivia, because I knew you were in the alliance with Olivia and also the one pitching my name as a contingency plan, which honestly scared me. My goal in the early stages of the game was to fly under the radar and make as few waves as possible, so it was my priority to eliminate anyone who might throw out my name and possibly expose the cutthroat game I was actually playing. I felt I had to take that opportunity to vote you out, because I know you’re an extremely competent player and would have been a hurdle for me to overcome down the road. I’m sorry things ended the way they did, because I truly did enjoy talking to you and comparing notes on Survivor! Also, you freaking killed it in the music video challenge and should probably go pro.

JAKE: I couldn’t really connect to you that well on our original tribe but you did seem like a nice person.

SARAH: Im sorry we didnt talk too much. We just happened to not be very similar and as much as I can force a convo, it was weird as fuck.

MALIK: We hit it off immediately at the beginning and you were my favorite, and then similar to Olivia you ghosted me and didn't say much to me. I really did like you in the beginning, and I wish you had just told me how you felt then. Because you really did seem cool.

NED: Trent, you are the freaking man! While you were here, you were killing it as a player, and that’s on top of having a BABY on the way!! It was really great getting to know you and play with you at the beginning of the game-- it was honestly kind of scary how well-connected you were, and I respect the heck out of you. I hope you’ve been able to spend some more time with your wife while all of this has been going on and I can’t wait to catch up with you!

JAKE: I hope you are less stressed now that the game is over, tbh I wasn’t sure how much I could trust you early on because Sharifa and Kurt told me about the alliances you had without me, and I did lie to you about the Birch vote LOL but when we tribe swapped we did get really close and I appreciate you sacrificing yourself basically this round, hope I am doing you proud!!

SARAH: KING OF BOOKS. Lets still chat about it. I'm sorry that you got fucked over bc of your idol. You seem so genuinely nice that I would love to be friends after this.

MALIK: I LOOOOVE YOU SO MUCH! I was worried coming in about how we'd get along this game, but we left off where we were last time!! I'm glad me and you were there for each other and I'm glad you could protect me from the evils! You were so robbed!

NED: You are one of the coolest people, for real! I loved talking to you on the heroes tribe and I'm sorry for exposing your idol and voting you out lol. I hope you're doing well!

JAKE: I couldn’t really connect with you when we finally merged, plus I heard about your idol and I felt like it was a smart choice for you to go.

SARAH: MY LITERAL BEST FRIEND. I AM SO SORRY U GOT SNAKED BUT I CANT WAIT TO SEE U SOON. ILYILYILY

MALIK: was glad I connect with you more privately and I missed you. You did end up throwing me under the bus, and I was very pissed with you and the others but I still have love for you It's ok

NED: You suck at this game. Hope to see you never

JAKE: We didn’t talk as much as I’d like, but I also was threatened by you coming into merge because I perceived you as having a lot of solid connections which intimidated me, which is why I pushed to vote you out that round. The conversations we did have were really nice though!

SARAH: I am so glad I got to meet you, you are a literal icon and although I'm pretty sure I was way more loyal to you than you were to me, I feel like we get along super well and I'm happy we get to chat about this season after everything is over :)

MALIK: I was drawn to you immediately for some reason, but I think it's the villain charm. Sorry like I tried to work with you TWICE, and you lied to me and tried to vote me the first time(likely) and then waited till then to think we could now work together because you're down and out, vs when I was. That turned me so off of you and even when you weren't my target, I was happy you were out of there. I do really think you're a cool dude though and hopefully after the pandemic we'll see each other!

NED: We didn't get the chance to talk a ton so it's understandable that we went after each other. From what I've talked to you though, you seem really dope and I think we'd get along really well.

JAKE: I couldn’t get a good read on you throughout merge and even though we had an alliance together I was wary of you, but besides that we had some really good conversations about animal crossing and CS so I hope you’re doing well.

SARAH: You played a good game and it wasnt until the last minute I realized that you play a very cut throat game. No shame. Props.

MALIK: I've missed you. I was so sad to see you leave, and I didn't think we'd connect how we did. I miss the talks of anime and shows we had together!!

NED: My German friend, I love you and I hope you're doing well. I wish I could have stayed in Germany longer because the people at the airport there were really nice and it would have been cool to meet you! I also met some German college students in Sweden and they were dopeeeee so if you're anything like them then you're dope too.

JAKE: Dennis you are a sweetheart but I knew you were too much of a threat to let slide by any longer in the game after you worked hard to solidify yourself in the majority again. I’m sorry for lying to you about the vote, was just idol paranoia and stuff.

SARAH: I loved talking stratgey with you and loved playing with you. Sorry if you didnt feel the same :(

MALIK: I. LOVE. YOU. No. lie. I didn't expect to connect with you so much after it all went down during the merge, and even though I hurt you with voting you that one time, I tried to make it right between us. I definitely want to keep in contact with you the most after this season. Our bond took me by surprise.

NED: It was fun but difficult talking to you! You said I never talked to you but I vividly remember complaining to people about how you left me on read all day multiple times lol. But it's chill, I've only heard great things about you and the fact that you're Jake's friend can only mean you're really cool!

JAKE: I’m happy that I finally got to play a game with you and even though it was a rocky ride you had my back in the game and I appreciate that a lot. I wish I listened to you more though

SARAH: Theres a reason you have never been voted out before until now. You are good at what you do. You are good at every aspect of this game. I am sorry that I used you to get far and cut that off. To be fair, I knew you were not loyal to me. However, I do believe our relationship and the things we talked about personally were real so Id love to still chat after this game.

MALIK: You are such a sweetheart and I'm glad we got to play together, I see why you've won twice, you were ON IT. And if it wasn't for TS I probably wouldn't have caught on to how amazing you were playing. You did that damn thing, but you had to go (Even though that wasn't when I was going to attempt it.)

NED: I'm gonna freaking cry typing this. Sharifa you are incredible and I hate myself for ruining what we had. Talking to you was one of my favorite things to do during the game and I had to do what I did or else you'd be a 3-time winner! Tell me I'm wrong! You're still amazing and I'm so thankful we got to meet during this game.

JAKE: So I was pretty upset when I found out that you and Kurt had turned on me and were lying to me so much (especially with the emotional way you framed our alliance) but I do respect you a lot as a player because damn you’re fierce and now I know why you’ve won twice and made the finals 3 time, you are a true villain.

SARAH: You were going to win this game after Sharifa was voted off. You are well liked. We barely talked and butted heads and I still liked you. If you ever want to chill, lets grab a drink after this whole COVID19 thing.

MALIK: Easily my #1 guy here. we bonded like from the beginning, and we really grew an amazing relationship with each other, and merge was strained but we kept reconnecting, and then you leave when I'm left out on knowing you were the true vote. I'm sorry I never knew you were really going home, and I NEVER did vote you. Sorry you think so, and I hope you forgive me by the time you see this but I never did vote you, and I hope you give our bond another chance. Lukas was supposed to tell you but idk if he did or he forgot and I hope you forgive me. If not I'll count my losses and leave it there.

NED: Kurt, you are one of the kindest people I've ever met in an ORG. You're so friendly and funny and down-to-earth and I truly enjoyed getting to know you as a person, not just an ally. I hope you can forgive me for going so overboard when I voted you out, you're still a homie and I'm really grateful for you during this game.

JAKE: Same as above with Sharifa but we did talk things out after that Sharifa vote. I wish things went differently in the game but it is what it is, outside of the game you were really fun to talk to and vent with all of the shit going on as I felt I could relate to you with a lot of things.

NED: Dude, you are so freaking hilarious and I WISH we had met pre-merge!!! By the time we got to know each other it was kind of too late to change up my gameplan, but I want you to know that the conversation I had with you the night before you left is probably the best, most real conversation I've ever had with anyone in any game. I'm so thankful for that, it really lit a fire under me to win that final immunity and I honestly just loved talking to you. I hope we can become actual friends after the season is over because you're incredible!

JAKE: I never really trusted you in the game and I think our relationship was rocky for the most part, no hard feelings though because you were hilarious and a great troll the entire time and I hope we can turn up at club cafe one night when this pandemic ends xxx

MALIK: Such a crazy person!! You were so amazing and I'm glad we met at the merge. You had funny moments and crazy ones but what would this game be without you.

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