#bro these things are SO ANNOYING i had the same injury earlier this year and it went away w/ time but like after two or three months

[taniushka12]

Guess who has an injury on the wrist and has their entire hand and wrist bandaged to try to prevent it from getting worse and thus cant write cant draw nor do anything w/ the right hand? This guy 😎*hand cast emoji*

[greekbros]

"greek-Bros: The Return of an Old Enemy"

Chapter 5: One Man's Weakness is his Own Wife

The preparations for the Dionysia was underway; maenads, satyrs and villagers decorate the streets with flowers, purple and gold ribbons. The amphitheater was being prepared for this year's theme of "The Downfall of Troy", a theme that Apollo earlier in the month repeatedly objected towards but Dionysus completely forgotten why Apollo didn't approve of....until the Dionysia.

Dionysus was helping his theater troops with the set. "A LITTLE TO THE LEFT!" Dionysus shouted to two stage hands movie a large crude cut-out of a very angry Zeus, "NO THE OTHER LEFT!" he shouted again.

The stage hands were at this point a little confused on where to go, so the both of them just stand completely still to see if Dionysus actually noticed. Dionysus tilts head head to see if the angle is right and stares at the cut-out. "..... perfect, now all need to do is fix the curtains an-" he suddenly felt a light tap on his shoulder, he turns around and sees Apollo we a stern look on his face with Ariadne next to him with a look of concern.

"Um.... Dionysus....is THAT supposed to be dad?" Apollo questioned as he pointed to what basically was the equivalent of a child's drawing of Zeus with sharp teeth, a unibrow and a few inaccurate details that would be obvious to most people.

"Um yes. Yes it is.", Dionysus defended the depiction with all his heart, "I made it myself....with Kale's help, he's been extremely helpful." He points to Kale, who ironically is the director of the play for Dionysia, helping with choreography with a group of maenads. He turns back to Apollo and Ariadne, he steps past Apollo and goes straight to Ariadne, romancing her with the same vigor as if it was still love at first sight.

"Ah sweet pea, you made it" he gives a small kiss her hand, "-listen I have been dieing to get your opinion on the set up for act 3 ," gives another kiss up her forearm, "-the maenads have helped with casting pretty well so far buuuut I may need-" kisses again up the arm, "-someone to fix the costumes for Ares and Heracles though, mostly because it's a little too small for the both of t-" again Dionysus was interrupted mid sentence with Ariadne placing he finger on his lips. As much as she adored Dionysus's courting and him in general, she also equally adored her subjects as any queen would. She lets out a sigh and gives Dionysus kiss on his nose.

"Dionysus, love, we need to talk.", stated Ariadne, "It's about the festival, we HAVE to call it off and continue on another day." she continued. "Apollo told me everything about what's been going on. If it's not safe for the public to be out as soon as the sun goes down, than we must postpone the festival." she argued.

He couldn't believe his own ears, first his brother and now his own wife attempts to convince him to cancel a celebration. So he attempts to continue his 'counter measure', he continues to woo her. He picks her up in his arms. "Oh don't worry my little pomegranate seed, things aren't THAT bad, it was probably the cats being naughty.", he tried to convince her as he started to nuzzle her neck. His stubble tickled Ariadne, she lets out a few giggles, suddenly the two are now locked into a battle of dodging the topic and inappropriate amounts of "pda". The two went back and forth on topic of canceling the event for the safety of the residence. It was between the traditions to party hardy or to prevent a possible mass animal attack that has yet to be resolved.

Meanwhile Apollo is standing three feet away completely growing tired kf the two's public displays of affection, mostly because he personally feels not only is this a massive waste of time but also it makes him feel internally irritated knowing he doesn't have anyone to do this with at moment... subsequently feeling left out. "You two DO realize it's four hours until sunset, I need to at least know you two will be safe before I leave." He interjected.

The two were currently locking lips with each other, Dionysus knew full well this couldn't go on much longer. Dionysus finished his kiss with Ariadne.

Like most men, he didn't like his mind or his plans changed. "How about....we make it during the day?" he suggested, he reasoned that since the attacks have mostly happened at night that there was plenty of time to celebrate.

Ariadne nodded her head no, "No, Apollo had mentioned some these animals have attacked during the day too. He's seen them occasionally, we have to postpone. Maybe during a day that..." She thought about her request...." No nevermind.", She blurted.

Dionysus was confused, was there truly a way out of this annoying cancelation? "... nevermind what?" He asked.

Ariadne has set her trump card, "oh, maybe...just to make the people feel a little bit safer... invite your father to the Dionysia?", she bashfully asked.

Dionysus stood there with a blank expression, a few seconds later, he started laughing. "Ahahhahaha, oh Ariadne, that's really fucking funny hahaha!" he laughed continuously, he looked up and saw Ariadne's face, she wasn't very happy. "Ohhhh you're serious." He realized what she was suggesting wasn't a joke, but a genuine suggestion. "Look, I'm NOT going to bother my dad to babysit us. Delphi honestly isn't in any danger, and we've had two attacks....in three months!" He argued. The conversation started to get a little more serious.

Ariadne let out a small huff, "I know you want to keep the festival going but the safety of people are a little bit more important than tradition right now. I don't care if it was two, or three or a thousand attacks, you know very well that the festivities will be ruined if someone gets hurt.", she told him. "Please I beg you, not just for my sake but the sake of whomsoever might get hurt. It's either you get your father to come over to make sure nothing bad happens....or no sex....for a year, plus no cuddles either. Seriously Dionysus, if someone gets killed over this I swear I probably won't talk to you afterwards!" She was at her limit, if Dionysus was going to be stubborn about festival, than she was going to be stubborn with him.

Dionysus was at an impasse, he couldn't risk making his ultimate wine-wifu upset and to top it off he could not stand the idea of being ignored by her for such an undisclosed amount of time. He also couldn't just CANCEL one of the most important holidays in Greece, mostly Dionysia was also a performing arts contest, and Delphi has been going strong for several years against Delos and Sparta so his ego was on the line. He turned around and pondered to himself, hoping to figure out a way he could make both parties happy. "What if I raised the defenses around the town?....what if I can make wine bombs....that makes wolves too drunk to attack people?" he suggested,.

Ariadne stood there speechless, trying to decide if she was shocked or not to hear this from Dionysus. She motioned to one of the maenads to hand her a prop. A maenad handed her a peacock feather, mostly she didn't want to be responsible for any injuries the Dionysus could probably sustain from this. Ariadne with a gentle smile, worked with what she got, started whipping him with the feather. "YOU. ARE. SO. DAMN. STUBBORN. WINE. CAN'T. SOLVE. NOT. BEING. ALIVE." She shouted as she 'mercilessly' hit his shoulders and back.

Dionysus couldn't help but defend himself by curling up and blocking his face. At this point, he was already in hot water with Ariadne, so he decides to pretend to actually be hurt and start screaming.

Apollo was now just sitting on a director's chair that was provided but one of the stage hands, in fact the whole amphitheater's staff and volunteers were watching this incredible marital dispute. It was rare to see Dionysus and Ariadne fight, some even started to provide snacks to each other. "HOW ABOUT THIS-" Apollo announced.

Dionysus and Ariadne both stop and looked at Apollo. The two pausing midway through their dramatic theatrics.

Apollo stood up and let out a long sigh, "look, if it makes you feel better Dionysus.....as compensation for losing a day-" he said mid sentence.

"A WEEK" Ariadne shouted, she hoped to at least wait a week to make full sure what ever has been going would be solved within the week.

"NO. THATS TOO LONG!" Dionysus furiously responded but was again getting pelted by Ariadne's peacock feather. "AAAH NO NOT AGAIN!" he shouted.

Apollo continued on, "..... loosing a week of the Dionysia, I will make it sunny....for a whole week....just so that you celebrate...none stop...for a whole week." Apollo knew he was going to make BILLIONS of mortals completely confused, ruin many people's sleep schedule...but all to convince the god of wine to cancel a party.

Ariadne was very happy about the idea but it was something. "DEAL!", she shouted, she stopped whipping Dionysus with the feather. Dionysus stood up, not even feeling anything, with his ego a little bruised having had his will be bent. He begrudgingly decided to the agreement, "Fine. But I better get a summertime blow out during that week dude." He conditioned.

Apollo could breath a sigh of relief, he had at least avoided disaster for the citizens of Delphi. Now it was off to Delos to arrange some defenses around the countryside. Delphi may not have any 'wolves', but he was worried of Delos did. "Well, good to see we're at an accord. Dionysus, please be careful tonight and good luck to you, Lady Ariadne." He waved as he went to find his chariot.

Ariadne and Dionysus waved goodbye to Apollo. Ariadne looked up at Dionysus and tried to tickle him the the peacock feather on his neck. He tried to not crack a smile but he couldn't resist being ticklish let alone be mad at his wife. "Hahahehehe, ok ok, sorry sweetie. I just really hate canceling anything." He apologized.

Ariadne chuckled and gave him a kiss on the cheek, "it's ok, but your brother is right you know." She assured him. "Come on, I'll help you pack a few things up." She went on to help put away some of the decorations. Dionysus turned around, "Ok pack up the small stuff everyone! Dionysia is cancelled for the week!" He announced. The staff and followers were all shocked and some started to comment amongst themselves. "Don't worry, the party will continue next week with a full week of sunshine and hardcore partying. As of tonight...um...just like... don't go out at night. Stay home and get wasted indoors my dudes." He finished off his announcement, turned to went to help with putting away some of the things.

Kale had finally comeback from a 45 minute wine break and was completely confused as to why everyone was putting away everything. "Ok seriously I need to lay off the marlot because WHAT THE FUCK did I just FUCKING nap through the Dionysia?!" He shouted. A satyr walked up to fill Kale in, "um nah brah, Dionysia is cancelled until next week....after that its party time on steroids." Kale at first was frustrated because he worked on the dance routine for the play, until he realized there was a whole week to make some changes. "GASP! I must go, improvement awaits!" He dramatically left to come up with another part of the scene.

End of Chp5

[kumeko]

A/N: For the Bound by Blood zine! I’ve always wanted to look at the darker side of Nezuko’s transformation, the blood lust and hunger barely controlled.

…

…

…

…

0.

Nezuko knew of death, knew of the ways it could linger like a bad cough. She had watched as her father wasted away over the years, his body growing thinner and weaker until it was a kindness that he didn’t wake up one day. Her mother faded away from heartbreak, more a ghost than a person until the end. When death came for her, Nezuko had hoped it would be quick and painless.

Instead, it seemed death had a sense of humour. The attack was quick, her body falling to the ground before she could put everything together. It was only as she lay on the wooden floor, her blood pooling around her, that she’d even realized she’d been injured. Nezuko felt disconnected from her body, unable to scream as her mother and siblings fell around her, their bodies dropping one after another like broken dolls. Something, someonedarted between her family, killing them faster than she could blink. At the edges of her vision, flames licked the walls, turning her home into a pyre.

Something sharp pierced her skin and suddenly she felt everything: every cut, every bruise, every broken limb. A sharp, metallic smell flooded her nose and she could taste the blood on her lips. Her body burned as though poison ran through her veins and she screamed.

With what little of her consciousness was left, Nezuko prayed that Tanjirou wouldn’t return until long after the slaughter was over.

1.

Nezuko knew nothing. Her eyes blinked open in a wooden structure, her brain slowly supplying her with the words to describe her surroundings. Every part of her body ached, but that sensation as quickly fading as she sniffed the air. An utterly delicious scent tickled her nose, a rusty, iron-filled smell that permeated on every surface of the house. Drool dripped off her lips as she realized she was surrounded by a feast.

A rotten feast. She didn’t have to touch the torn bodies strewn around her to notice that they weren’t fresh, that they were the remnants of another hunter. Even the blood beneath her hands was cold and thick to the touch. Instinctively, she knew it was a bad idea to drink that. Her stomach gurgled, starving, and she licked her lips as she stared at the body of a young boy.

She should go. A meal could be found elsewhere. Flames engulfed the vast majority of the house and even if she wanted to stay, she couldn’t. Still, it was a waste. An utter waste.

Her nose twitched and Nezuko turned toward the entrance to catch a new scent. It smelled faintly of charcoal and soap, an oddly familiar combination. Something about it, about this house and the bodies, jogged her memory. She knew the boy (and it was a boy, not yet a man) approaching the building.

Part of her wanted to reassure his panicked cries. A greater part of her inhaled the thick, iron-rich smell beneath his skin. His blood was still warm, still pumping, still sweet. Nezuko’s thoughts scattered as her hunger burned, and she attacked her first meal.

2.

The boy’s hands were gentle. Nezuko learned that first, before she even learned his name. The boy’s hands were especially gentle now, as she rested on his lap, his fingers combing through her hair. She’d felt this sensation long ago, somewhere in the fogs of her memory, but if she lingered on the thought any further than that, her head would split in pain.

Instead, she leaned into his touch, grunting slightly.

“You always liked this,” the boy said, chuckling softly. Sadly. Seated on a tatami mat, he continued to stroke her hair.

“What sort of self-respecting demon does that?” Another boy said—a demon. With her right eye, she looked up, over the table where the demon boy shot her a disgusted look. “Especially a brute like her.”

“Nezuko is not a brute!” The boy—Tanjirou, his name was Tanjirou she remembered—growled back. Despite his tone, his hands remained gentle. “She is beautiful and kind and—”

“Right, right, got it.” The demon boy rolled his eyes.

“Yushiro.” The final occupant of the living room sighed. If the demon boy smelled faintly of blood, the woman was thick with it. “What did I say?”

“I didn’t—”

She cut him off. “Don’t insult our guests either, alright?”

“Nezuko is beautiful,” Tanjirou asserted a final time, his brow furrowed. When Nezuko returned her gaze to him, he beamed down at her. “Don’t listen to his lies.”

His words and actions always had a strange weight to them, a familiarity that she couldn’t understand. She wasn’t even sure if he was talking to her sometimes. The only thing she knew was that his hands were gentle, just as his voice was kind, just as his eyes were welcoming. Despite the steel in his posture whenever they faced danger, he did not look like a man who could fight. There was a streak of kindness to him, a streak that would kill him one day.

It could have killed him earlier, if she hadn’t stopped attacking him. Nezuko still didn’t know what had held her hand, only that it was a memory of similar tenderness.

“She is lovely,” the woman agreed. The aroma of blood intermingled with her scent throughout the house, just enough to keep Nezuko’s hunger at bay.

“Not as lovely as you,” the demon boy immediately replied, his chest puffed with pride. Turning his attention to Nezuko, he frowned. “So, she really doesn’t eat anyone?”

“Of course not.” Tanjirou resumed his ministrations. His movements were as steady as a stream. He looked from the demon boy to a demon woman, his gaze utterly confident. “Nezuko would never do that.”

She closed her eyes. That wasn’t right. She didn’t know why, but that wasn’t right. While his body was littered with wounds, the ones branded on his arm were from her claws. They were a warning, a reminder of what losing control meant.

Tanjirou didn’t realize that. Or maybe he didn’t understand that despite how much stronger he’d gotten, he was still quite weak. As he stroked her hair, she could feel the muscles in his hand, the delicate bones of his wrist. His skin was paper-thin and his muscles were nothing compared to hers.

It would be easy to reach up and snap his arm, to break it in two and devour his life-sustaining flesh. To sink her fangs into his neck and lap his warm, sugary-sweet blood.

As though reading her mind, the demon boy snorted. “That brute of a girl—”

“Yushiro!” the woman warned, an edge to her voice. ���What did I just say?”

“I was—”

“One more and you will be kicked out.” She sighed, her shoulders sinking. “Anyway, that is really impressive. I have never heard of a demon doing that before. Even us—it might be a little blood, but we need it all the same.”

“That’s cause she’s Nezuko.” Tanjirou’s hand stilled and she opened her eyes to find him beaming down at her. “She’s a good girl.”

I’m not. Nezuko opened her mouth, but her broken vocal cords couldn’t do more than groan at the weight of her words.

(Months later, when she stood in the sun, Tanjirou scared that she’d disappear, Nezuko wasn’t afraid in the least. She’d already been burned. These rays were nothing compared to his warmth.)

3.

The wind whistled, an oddly sharp sound that tugged on Nezuko’s consciousness. It ran through her hair and clothes, and dazed, she wondered if she had fallen asleep outside. Not only was it chilly, the cool night air hitting her skin painfully, it also wasn’t very respectable. What would the villagers think? Her bro—

Nezuko’s eyes opened before she could finish the thought, before she could grasp her identity. Dangling upside down in the treetops, her eyes widened as she remembered her predicament. They were in the mountains, surrounded by demons and desperate humans. One of the demons had trussed her up, his wires binding her limbs so tightly that she couldn’t move. Straining her muscles only made the wires dig in tighter, cutting into her skin until she bled.

The wires reverberated with each movement, giving off sharp twangs as they alerted the demon below her. Like a moth trapped in a web, she couldn’t escape, her movements only ensnaring her further.

“Oh, you’re awake,” the demon said. His hair and skin were as pale as the moon, his words as cold as the distant starlight. There was an idle curiosity in his eyes, but even that emotion was fleeting. “Just in time.”

“Nezuko!” Tanjirou grunted, his breathing strained as he struggled to get to his feet. Blood soaked his haori, red blooming on his chest like spider lilies. Rips and tears in his clothing revealed numerous cuts on his body, his injuries far more serious than he let on. “I’ll save you!”

He was injured. Nezuko’s eyes widened as she took in her boy, her prey. The rich, thick scent of his blood filled the air even as it pooled at his feet, yet it didn’t tempt her. For once her stomach roiled with anger, not hunger.

Tanjirou was wounded. She could hear how many bones were broken with every wheeze he took, hear just how many cuts he’d sustained with every grunt he made. Her blood burned and Nezuko growled as she struggled against the spider’s web, ignoring how the threads cut into her flesh. Her blood dripped down the wires, coating them a bright red.

“Don’t cut yourself too much,” the demon grumbled, clicking his tongue. It was the closest thing to an emotion he’d shown so far. “It’s too annoying putting you back together.”

“Leave her alone!” Tanjirou shouted, climbing to his feet only to fall once more. Nezuko heard his muscles strain, his heart trying to pump more and more blood to compensate for the loss.

“No.” The demon stalked forward, as silent as a predator. Lifting Tanjirou up by his mop of hair, the demon smirked. “She’ll be part of my family now. I need to replace the one you killed.”

“That’ll never happen,” Tanjirou swore through clenched teeth, his hands curling into a fist. A rare anger course through his voice. “That’s not what family is.”

Family.

Nezuko couldn’t follow the conversation. Just thinking about the word made her head hurt. She couldn’t understand the demon’s quiet insistence anymore that she could understand Tanjirou’s harsh rebuke. What she did understand, however, was that these overly complicated sounds they tossed at one another only meant one thing: the demon was going to separate Nezuko from Tanjirou.

No, the demon was going to remove Tanjirou from her. He was going to kill him.

Nezuko ground her teeth. Tanjirou was hers.

Like oil on flames, the fire within her burned even hotter at this. She couldn’t say what happened next, only that it felt like every part of her burned. Unable to bottle her rage, it exploded out of her, running down the wires before reaching her target.

4.

The box was dark. Nezuko kept her eyes closed as she curled up inside it. Whether they were open or closed, she saw the same void. The only thing connecting her to the world was how the box moved, how Tanjirou jostled it as he moved from one place to another. There were other, muffled sounds outside, the sounds of strangers and of a pond. Nezuko never knew how to take these signs of the outside, of this world she almost never saw.

But the box had come to a stop now, and she opened her eyes, anticipating a release.

“NEZUKO!”

Tanjirou’s desperate scream was the only warning she got before a sword stabbed through the box, piercing her belly. Nezuko gasped, the restraint in her mouth muting her scream. Paralyzed in pain, she couldn’t react before the sword withdrew and speared her once more, plunging into her chest now. Blood invaded her lungs, and though she didn’t need to breathe, she choked on it all the same.

“Nezuko!” Tanjirou yelled once more.

His kind hands were nowhere to be found. Instead, all Nezuko could feel were the firm, wooden panels of her prison, and above it all, the piercing pain of her injuries. She wanted to call out his name, to bury her head in his arms. Nezuko needed comfort.

Instead, she was hit with drops of warm blood, dripping in through the holes in the box.

“Taste this!” challenged a stranger, a man who smelled like a gale and sounded like a hurricane. He shook the box, knocking her side to side before dripping more blood in. “I know you want to!”

With a soft plop, the blood hit her forehead before slowly sliding down her face. Nezuko shivered at the warm sensation. Her skin was cold. Always so cold. She craned her head up slightly, allowing the droplets better access as they hit her skin like pebbles, painting her skin as red as a woman’s lips. No matter how much she shifted, though, the droplets never slid into her mouth. No, they dripped past, splattering her clothes.

Unceremoniously, the box was tossed to the ground, the impact jolting her injuries. Nezuko curled tighter into herself, not sure when another sword would sink into her skin.

“Get out!” the stranger ordered, kicking the box for good measure.

For a long moment, she stayed still. Muffled as it was, she could faintly hear Tanjirou struggling to reach her. His breathing was strained again, his heart beating all too fast, and she could smell the sickly-sweet scent of sweat as he struggled to reach her. Nezuko remembered the white demon and pushed the box open, not caring if there was sunlight or moonlight on the other side.

She found neither when she poked her head out, only the cool shade of yet another house. This one was filled with people, and her hackles raised at their hostile stares. Under the sun, just out of reach, was Tanjirou, his face pressed to the ground.

A growl escaped her lips automatically.

“Hungry yet?” the stranger asked as he stood before her. Despite his tense stance, his eyes were full of anticipation as he flicked blood at her. He dangled his arm in front of her, red rivulets running down his skin and splashing on the floor. “Come on, take a bite.”

He wanted her to attack. He was downright eager for it. The others were too, Nezuko dimly realized, as their scents warped, hostility changing into something darker.

“Nezuko, don’t!” Tanjirou cried, but it was hard to hear his voice.

It was hard to pay attention to anything but the red dripping down her skin, to the wounds on her body aching for healing. His scent was entirely unlike Tanjirou’s—bitter instead of sweet, sharp instead of soft. Saliva dripped down her mouth either way. There was a hunger within her she hadn’t filled, a hunger that she had ignored for years now.

A single taste could fix that.

A single taste would fix that.

Her tongue ran over her teeth in anticipation. The man’s lips tugged into a sharp smile.

With as much force as she could muster, Nezuko turned away, rejecting the scent before her. She had waited this long, she could wait a little longer.

There was no way this man’s blood could be nearly as delicious or tempting as Tanjirou’s.

5.

The world was burning.

No, that wasn’t quite right. Despite the fires roaring around her, the smoke and ash lying on her tongue, the world wasn’t burning. Just this small town, this small district. Just a few dozen people who couldn’t escape the wreckage. People trapped just as she was, stuck under the rubble of a broken inn.

Nezuko clawed at the earth, trying to drag herself out of the rubble. Her head rattled from her injuries, her body aching from the fight. It seemed the only reason she left her box these days was to fight. The house, the mountain, this town—wherever she woke up, there were demons.

And the boy, Tanjirou, had dedicated himself to fighting them.

One day, he would die that way. But that day wasn’t today. Nezuko grunted as she pulled herself forward, ignoring the blazing pain where her leg and arms used to be. She couldn’t, wouldn’t lose him. Unfortunately, she couldn’t see him, couldn’t smell him—his charcoal scent was hidden in the ash,

“You should just give up, you don’t have the energy to regenerate,” her enemy stated confidently, her perfume coiling around her like a snake. Despite their fight, her make-up remained unsmudged, her painted lips as bright as blood. No matter how many floral scents she hid under, the stench of death clung to her like a second skin.

Nezuko gritted her teeth as she stared at the demon. This woman had injured Tanjirou. She had wounded this whole town, burning it to the ground with a smile. Her mind flashed to a different, kinder woman, to a gaggle of kids who tugged on her hands. To Tanjirou, who smiled despite the spectre of death lingering over him.

She thought of all of that and her limbs began to burn.

Unaware of this, the demon winked at her, her lips curled into a sly smirk. “If only you’d drunk some blood. Come back in a hundred years.”

The fire within her grew into an inferno, and Nezuko only had to think and her limbs regrew near instantly. Forcing herself to stand, she spit out her wooden restraint.

The demon stepped back, shocked. “How? That’s impossible!”

Nezuko growled, her blood boiling as she attacked.

6.

Nezuko knew one thing: Tanjirou loved her. Her brother had moved the sun and moon to save her, to transform her from monster to human. Whether it was watching out for her, protecting her, or simply giving her a hug, Tanjirou had done more than any person should have.

That was the only reason he was standing in front of her now, his eyes almost glowing as he took her in. Saliva dripped down his chin and Nezuko had a feeling of deja vu at the sight. She’d had that same look years ago, when she’d first turned into a demon. Had that blinding madness run through her mind, making it hard for her to be reasoned with until Tanjirou had pulled her out of the darkness.

And now, he’d fallen into that darkness. Her sight grew blurry as she took in her demonic brother. This wasn’t how their reunion was supposed to go at all. “Tanjirou…”

He snarled, though she couldn’t say if that was a reaction to the name or her movement.

“You love me,” she reminded him, swallowing hard. She didn’t know if she was talking to him or herself, only that it was true. Her brother, however deep he slept inside, loved her. He just had to remember that.

It was hard to break out of a demon’s spell, but he could do it.

“Tanjirou—” Before Nezuko could finish, his fangs were buried in her neck, his claws digging into her arms. Dimly, she recalled being in the opposite position years go, His arms were still littered with scars. She wondered if hers would remain too. Her blood smeared her neck, hot and thick, and she wondered if she tasted as sweet as she’d imagined Tanjirou had.

Reaching up, she wrapped an arm around his back. “Don’t!”

He was possessed, she reminded herself. That didn’t make the betrayal heart any less when his teeth dug in deeper.

But she could endure. If there was one thing Nezuko knew, it was how to endure. How to survive. And how to make sure her brother made it with her. He was kind, after all, too kind, otherwise, his eyes wouldn’t be filling with tears right now.

One day, that kindness would kill him.

But that day wasn’t today. Nezuko would make sure of it.

[allofeos]

First of all, apologies for the long post!

Annoyances with continuity between Chapter 9, Episode Ignis map layout, and overall content disparity.

It’s really jarring when you realize that Prompto and Gladio could’ve easily jumped the debris in the canal to check on Ignis. More-so when you get the loading screen of them in-game across the canal from where the DLC begins.

I circled where the loading screen is (the one saying “Here!”) and jotted out where each major event in Episode Ignis is at. The difference in the altar architecture is frustrating too. 

Nothing in the progression makes sense, his costume too for an example. Ignis’ costume was originally only his glasses off, thanks to PS4 save editing users. This was modified in the update in January/February. I’ll go over this again at the end.

That’s without factoring in the in-game time progression too: Chapter 9:

• Noctis at the palace: 10 am / 1000hrs.  • Lunafreya cutscene, then Prompto shows up: 1pm / 1300hrs. 

• Noctis tries asking Leviathan for her power, gets dumped onto the streets: 2pm / 1400hrs. 

• Lunafreya is stabbed by Ardyn, Noctis powered up and hits the altar: 4pm / 1600hrs.

Episode Ignis:

• Ignis is dumped out in the canal through to arriving at the altar: 5pm / 1700hrs.

• Ignis fights Ardyn: 7pm / 1900hrs.  

It’s a giant circle, there is no point to gathering the files and it’s a cop-out in the narrative for this and the party splitting up in the area. It literally takes a short bit in the game itself, to get to the bridge, and get across the canal where Ignis was knocked down to.

The insult for injury was after the all but completely irrelevant files (the file for Caligo is pretty bloody close to his Ultimania page!) for Ignis and Ravus, was that NEITHER of them got even a loading screen that did not provide information as a summary of events.

All of the loading screens featuring Ignis and Ravus within the DLC are ALL summaries of the three chapters, and the action for V2. V2, which managed to also rip off Lunafreya as well? We don’t even have mention of Caligo’s actions against Lunafreya within the Dawn trailer, but apparently Jared Hester’s demise is important enough to make a fuss about in Episode Ignis? Surely, there’s a mistake here, given that Jared Hester is in service to the Amicitia line?

Whilst I can agree that Gladio was ripped off in his own DLC, in contrast to Ignis we have more connections for Gladio, and know more of his personal life and family overall. We literally know fuck all about Ignis beyond him being assigned to work at the age of six.

Brotherhood didn’t even cover what it was supposed to for Ignis!

Tabata: Brotherhood: FFXV is a series of ten-minute animations, with five episodes currently planned, that shed light on how Noctis and his pals ended up traveling together. Normally you’d start an RPG by gathering a party. But in FFXV your allies are with you from the beginning. By illustrating how they came together

Ignis isn’t even brought up in another interview on Brotherhood prior to his episode.

Akio Ôfuji: It also helps show that the backgrounds of the characters in there, there are social standings as it were, so for exemple in the 3rd exemple that we just released we can see Gladio’s house, you can compare that to where Prompto lives.

Prompto’s house is actually quite small whereas Gladio lives in a big mansion. So this show that his family is a lot richer, Prompto’s parents they need to work very hard, they both work to support him and they aren’t particularly wealthy. So you can see the different social classes there.

In fact, Ignis’ little shoebox of an apartment isn’t even featured in the Film Collections Box artbook. The Amicitia mansion is, Prompto’s house is, Noctis’ apartment is, Lunafreya’s quarters within Fenestala Manor is as well. (I’m not even touching on the fact that there’s nothing regarding Ravus in the Lunafreya end of Brotherhood, especially given the Reddit Dataminer dug out that they apparently cut a mention of Ravus out of a flashback too in-game).

We don’t learn anything about Ignis beyond his duties in Brotherhood, Episode Ignis despite it being his DLC. We don’t even learn anything about Ravus in Episode Ignis for that matter either. 

The only personal tidbits we’ve learnt is that he has an uncle that is an attendant in Parting Ways. Even Ignis’ typical dossier doesn’t give us anything out of the normal. The Official Works expanded on it slightly (Ignis being akin to a family member), and in the aforementioned datamine there was a difference in Ignis’ profile which is pointless if they went with his family being advisers or stewards. Why? Because they never give us any information in regard to Ignis’ family whatsoever beyond the off-hand, barely there nod at his apparent uncle in Parting Ways. We never have any sort of notion of his uncle doing anything of the sort beyond relaying whether or not Regis will be permitting an audience with anyone. This means that whatever role written in his dossier is pointless with this lack of information.

With the new content for Comrades, Royal Edition we have absolutely no development whatsoever about Ignis being in his stated role of royal adviser, tactician, senior adviser to the crown, hand of the king and so-on. Gladio has stepped up into Clarus’ role, Prompto is leading the people, Cor is leading the Kingsglaive now, and Ignis is apparently alive, despite his sacrifice... but cooking I guess? Ignis doesn’t even get a little speech from The Mystic in his part of the Kings of Yore/Knights of the Round battle in the new Chapter 14 content. Gladio, Prompto are apparently attractive, but according to the Hero Highlights, Ignis is impressive for trying! That’s seriously it? Are you fucking kidding me? Really?

The same thing happens in regards to the NPCs talking about the guys, Cor and even Ravus being attractive, but the only off-hand comment that isn’t in regards to Ignis cooking is about him having an expensive notebook and questioning if he’s a spy in the no longer available Assassin’s Festival.

There is no backstory for Ignis, there is no real progression and/or development beyond the blindness and choosing to continue onward. Episode Ignis didn’t show us anything beyond loyalty, brotherhood, cooking, and memes about cooking. All of which we’ve known from the beginning and is in no way, shape or form expanding upon his character. 

I am completely on factoring in the content alone (not for fandom-related content), because I do not find nothing but loyalty to be a good basis, particularly given the reasoning in the Official Works is a “secret plan” with no reasoning for it. There’s even a really interesting thought experiment that I think is quite worth a read!

 This is also whilst completely remembering comments that were transcribed by multiple fans attending the 30th Anniversary fan event earlier in the year, the ones specifically about Ignis being difficult to write in contrast to Gladio and Prompto. They gave Ignis more screentime in Chapter 1, of which tend to be a cause of complaints from users being annoyed at being interrupted for certain underlevelled tutorial handling, and game-over mechanic prevention with preventing players from driving below level 30.

If we also tally the sidequests and tours off the top of my head: Ignis:

• Cooking tour.

• Cooking tour.

• Missing spectacles tour.

•  The only possible sidequest to miss in the base/unpatched game, requires you to be in Chapter 3 and at the Chocobo Ranch to pick it up via NPCs talking, and isn’t possible to complete (see the Disc of Cauthess) due to plot limitations. The quest isn’t even ended by Ignis, but rather Prompto and Gladio talking. Ignis has no comment about it!

• The only new addition is the cutscene after Titan, following the Royal/Windows Editions in March this year.

Gladio:

• Running tour.

• Fishing tour.

• Flowers for Iris tour.

• Cup Noodle quest.

• Scene with Titan.

Prompto:

• Photography tours x3.

• Photo ops.

• Photo op quest in Insomnia.

• Additional scenes at the motel with Noctis.

The main point of likely progression following the events of Chapter 9 is only brought up once in Chapter 14. It isn’t even discussed in Comrades: Departure, in contrast to Talcott.

Ignis? Apparently just pops into existence when Noctis is 5 (or 3 when one considers the repeated timeline error in the Ultimania, recently republished in the Official Works despite being amended within the official in-game dossier), and cooks.

In contrast for the DLC, we didn’t know about the connection between Gladio and Cor with Clarus not being around particularly much within the game. For that matter as well, we didn’t know how Prompto ended up within Insomnia despite his origins either. 

However, both tidbits from Gladio, and Prompto’s episodes about the first scar and heritage were actually mentioned in the Piggyback Final Fantasy XV Limited Edition guidebook (ISBN: 1908172983 / 9781908172983). There’s only a bit about Ignis’ duties, and how his hairstyle, glasses were styled as without anything really covering his DLC.

Honestly put, the general feeling seems to be fuck me for wanting to know about Ignis, Ravus in general and have some actual content balance out of a four-man party instead of the current disparity. That goes for all of the bros, just when you tally the actual information up it’s quite clear that Ignis is incredibly lacking.

It’s terrible that with this feeling, that the addition of Ignis with his hair down feels as though it is to make it seem as though there’s a content disparity in Ignis’ favour, when both he and Gladio were all but ripped off with their unlockable costumes.

However, unlike Episode Ignis, Episode Gladio had a unique area, unique bosses. Episode Prompto had a unique area, bosses, a costume for him and Aranea. Ignis didn’t get a unique area, new bosses, new costume beyond glasses which are not exclusive to his DLC as they have been included within Comrades in contrast to the others. The only new boss was Ravus, and Ardyn’s content is no longer exclusive as it has been utilized to rebalance the main game fight for Ardyn.

Ignis didn’t even get a new weapon model in contrast to the other two. According to the Reddit datamine, he did have different daggers originally, but why this was scrapped no one knows.

On the overall, Episode Ignis doesn’t fulfill the initial marketing for it:

And this is on the overall why it fails in multiple ways for covering Ignis properly within his own DLC. 

[bleusarcellewrites]

Thinking 'Bout You

Guess who gota chance to write a collab with one of her fave WRITERS

@queerklancing THANK YOU FOR MAKING THIS FIC SO MUCH FUN, IT WAS AMAZING AND WE MADE SMITTEN BOYS FALL DEEPER IN LOVE <3

Soulmate AU with smitten boys, get ready all!! <3

Enjoy! 

Keith wakes up to singing.

His mind can’t really wrap itself around the fact, still heavy with sleep, and it only makes him more annoyed when the singing grows louder. It’s probably around the fifth verse when he finally snaps.

‘Ugh, you’ve got to be kidding me,’ he thinks, face still pressed against his pillow in a weak attempt to block the singing echoing around him, ‘Imma murder someone, I swear.’

The singing stops abruptly, making him wince at the sudden sharp tug it took inside his mind at the action.

Silence is back around his light dimmed room and Keith honestly couldn’t care less about the weird experience. Weirder things have happened before in life than annoying singing stopping out of nowhere, honestly.

Keith’s just glad it’s gone, and he’s able to go back to sleep –

‘Um, hello?’

Keith pauses, his limbs tensing and his breath hitching when a sudden unfamiliar voice makes itself present. He takes two seconds before he leaps out of bed, the knife he keeps under his pillow held up high in front of him in defense.

He stands tall and firm, trying to look intimidating and dangerous even though he’s missing a sock and his boxers are hanging a little too low around his hips.

Wide dark blue eyes narrow themselves as they search every corner of his room for any kind of intruder. His room is not that big, barely able to hold a bed, a dresser and a small desk next to the window, basically bare and transparent.

Keith lowers his knife slowly, eyebrows furrowed together in confusion when nothing looks out of the ordinary.

“Fair enough, that was weird,” Keith hums out loud, easing his shoulders and relaxing his stand as he takes one last look around him and drops his knife on his bed.

‘Maybe I’m going crazy.’

A shiver runs down his spine when the voice appears once again, but this time, Keith can easily pinpoint the place it's coming from, or more like, where it shouldn’t come from.

He takes a pause, hands up in the air as if he was trying to calm himself down, before he takes a deep breath.

‘That was not my thought,’ he thinks, panic and confusion filling his chest, ‘That was not my thought, what the fu –‘

‘Dude,’ the unfamiliar voice cuts him off sharply, but Keith can hear the edge of fear lingering on its tone, ‘Dude, what the fuck –‘

‘No, no, you what the fuck.’ Keith thinks angrily, scowling as his eyes go up, as if he could meet the stranger’s face in the ceiling.

‘Me? You what the fuck.’ The voice replies, panic and fear still on the back but being covered by annoyance, ‘Get out.’

‘It’s my head, you get out.’

‘No, it’s mine.’

Keith purses his lips and pokes his temple and then his cheek, nodding once he confirms what he was looking for.

‘No, pretty sure it’s my body, my mind, and you’re a weird thing invading it.’

‘Maybe I’m your conscious?’

‘What the fuck is a conscious? Did you mean ‘conscience’ ?’

‘No, no. Conscious.’

‘Well, then, whatever. Fuck off, Conscious.’

‘Are you my conscious?’

‘You just said that you were mine?’

‘But I know I’m me, how can I be your conscious?’

‘I don’t kno– Get out.’

‘How the fuck –‘

“Hey, Keith, you awake?”

The extra voice puts Keith in alert. He dives for his knife, pointing it high to the person behind him only to meet his brother’s arched eyebrow.

“I thought you had grown over your necessity of sleeping with your knife.” Shiro deadpans before frowning in confusion when he notices the tense shoulders and worried frown in his brother’s features. “Uh...you okay?”

“Uh, yeah,” Keith replies quickly.

Shiro only spares him another concern glance before he shrugs. “If you say so, bro. Get ready, though, because we leave in ten and the pancakes I made may disappear by that time.”

“Oh, God, let’s hope so,” Keith mutters quietly, throwing his knife back to his bed and ignoring the way Shiro flips him off with a mocking glare.

The door closes behind his brother and Keith waits exactly three seconds before he comes to a decision.

‘Hello? Weird voice in my head?’ He thinks, trying to be careful on how to form his words, ‘Alo? No? Nothing?’

Five seconds pass, maybe ten just to be sure, and it’s then when Keith sighs, relief dripping from his shoulders like water.

‘This never happened,’ he tells himself inside his head.

He ignores the uneasy feeling inside of him when he can’t even convince himself.

Lance takes a long sip from his iced coffee as he watches the crowd pass by.

He’s taking a well-deserved break after a long day of shopping at the mall. Hunk was supposed to accompany him, but canceled last minute because he had to fill in at his part-time job.

Lance sighs. It’s been a few days since the weird encounter he had under the shower. At first, he played it off as a hallucination, or blamed it on his tiredness. But then Lance had a thought. What if ... that was his soulmate link.

He knows almost everything there is to know about soulmates. Lance has been obsessed with it ever since he was a child. But there are so many different kind of soul links that it’s hard to get a grasp of all the possibilities. There’s the classic red string of fate that connects people. That’s how his mom and dad met. There are some soulmates who can share whatever they paint on their skin; some share their injuries, others see some kind of trail in the air leading them to their soulmate.

Some of these are obvious others are more… unique. Like that one woman who had the same song stuck in her head for years until she met her soulmate who heard the same song. And then there are these unfortunate souls who don’t have a soulmate.

Lance is one of them.

At least that’s what he thought until now. Ever since he heard that voice in his head, he had the tiny spark of hope that maybe … maybe there is someone out there for him after all.

Lance sighs as he puckers his lips to take another sip from his straw. Well, he didn’t hear the voice again so maybe it was just his imagination.

‘Shit, he’s hot.’

Lance chokes and sputters as he spits out his coffee. “What the fuck?!” he wheezes and rubs his mouth with his sleeve. The girls on the table next to him raise their eyebrows in question and giggle when he smiles awkwardly.

Okay, alright, okay. That was definitely in his head.

‘Test. Test. Hello?’ he thinks, trying not to feel stupid.

‘What the shit?!’

Lance probably shouldn’t be so thrilled to hear a stranger’s voice in his head, but his heart jumps nervously in his chest.

‘That’s what I wanted to say as well.’

‘Oh nonononono, this is not happening again!’

‘Um. Sorry to disappoint you buddy, but it is.’

‘Who are you? How do you do that?!’

Lance leans back and frowns.

‘Wait hold up, I’m not the one doing this!’

‘Well neither am I!’

‘So we both don’t have a clue what’s going on,’ Lance concludes and crosses his arms. It should be weird to talk to someone in his head, but he’s getting the hang of this pretty quickly. Maybe it is his soulmate after all.

‘This is so fucked up,’ the voice groans and Lance can hear the distress radiating from him. Well, it seems like the guy on the other hand isn’t as excited as Lance about this.

‘I’m Lance.’

‘Huh?��

‘My name is Lance.’

‘Why are you telling me this?!’

‘I don’t know. I thought maybe you’d feel better if the voice in your head wasn’t a complete stranger.’

There’s silence in his head. Lance unfolds his arms and panic bubbles in his chest when he doesn’t get an answer. He’s about to voice his concerns when his thoughts get interrupted.

‘I’m Keith.’

A relieved smile spreads on Lance’s lips, and he can’t help the chuckle leaving him.

‘Well, hello Keith. Nice to meet you.’

‘Yeah,’ the stranger - Keith - scoffs.

Lance snorts and grimaces when the girls at the table next to him send him another funny look.

‘So,’ he starts. ‘Who is hot?’

‘Huh?’

‘You thought about someone - a guy - being hot earlier,’ Lance adds, and he hides the grin behind his hands as he leans forward.

‘Fuck,’ Keith curses. ‘There goes my privacy.’

READ THE REST IN AO3

[venominyourcoffee]

Levi and His Robot CatGirl Girlfriend pt 2

It had been a few days since Ami’s and Levi’s last big adventure. Today was the last day before Levi’s injury was fully healed. Levi laid on a cold metal table as a doctor with a robotic prosthetic arm removed his stitches. The room around him was no hospital, but a small and somewhat dirty room with many boxes around the place. It was clear Levi did not go to a doctor, but a back ally clinic who does just as a good job. Levi lay still as the morphine injection kept the pain away. The doctor spoke with a german accent as he spoke. “And almost done. You know I told you to take it easy, any too intense activity would hinder your recovery. What was so important to cause further damage?” Levi smiles as he remembers the euphoric screams of Ami.

Levi speaks with a low chuckle. “I had to make my little girlfriend cum and scream my name.” It’s obvious he shouldn’t have been so blunt, but his mind was clouded by the morphine. The doctor gave a surprised look before he shrugs it off. “Ah yes, the cat girl you came in with. Not my type personally but to each their own. Plus I understand, when she’s in the mood it’s your problem. Me and my darling husband have the same issue.”

Levi gives a slight angered stare as he hears that someone doesn’t find Ami attractive, to insult her beauty is an insult to him. But he snaps back before he relaxes. The doctor removes the last stitch and wraps the small wound with some bandages and hands Levi a small inhaler. “Here you are, this will sober you up. Your healed up and should be perfectly stable. Your girlfriend is waiting for you in the lobby. Thank you for choosing my clinic. Your payment is in transaction. Three more visits and your next visit is free.”

Levi takes the inhaler and shakes it before pushing the button and breaths in the gas. The air he breaths is full of oxygen and a chemical that burns as he breaths. After a few seconds his vision clears and his senses snap back. Levi nods as he tosses the empty inhaler into a trash can as he stands. As he tries to stand he feels a rush of dizziness before quickly finding his balance. Levi throws on a black T-shirt of some band as he heads to the lobby of the clinic. Levi steps out and is Immediately nearly knocked off his feet as Ami tackles him and clings to him in a tight hug.

Ami’s ears lower and her eyes look like their about to burst with tears before she stumbles out a shaky reaction. “Are you okay? I didn’t hurt you did I? I’m sorry! I hope your ok!” Levi let’s out a sigh but behind that fake annoyance, his heart breaks seeing his darling seem upset. Levi slowly wraps his arms around Ami and holds her tight as he places a small kiss on her forehead. Ami sniffles as she sinks into his embrace as he speaks with a tone that’s trying to hide his true emotions. “I’m fine doll, you didn’t hurt me. I promise you I’m fine. Don’t cry okay brat?” Levi slowly wipes the small tears from Ami’s cheeks as a weak smile forms on her face. Ami nods and catchers her breath and composure. Ami’s ears slightly lift up as she speaks. “As long as your okay. Should we head home?” Levi nods and grabs Ami and walks with his hand on her hip and holds her close.

The two walk home as the morning light shines on the city. The doctors appointment was early so the two had to wake up earlier then usually. Ami was still slightly half asleep and seemed to close her eyes and let Levi lead her. Levi noticed and decided to take advantage of the situation. Thanks to his previous job, he had a lot of credit to burn. Levi didn’t lead Ami home, instead he took her on a slightly different path through the city district. After a few minutes Ami’s ears perk up as she smells a sweet scent and hears people talking. Ami’s eyes slowly open and see not home, but a nice coffee shop. Ami’s eyes sparkle as she looks up at Levi. “Oh this is that new place, The Brew right? Are we gonna get coffee and muffins? You say I’m not allowed to have coffee.”

Levi smiles as he kisses your forehead as he held her tight. “I know brat, but I say we celebrate a job well done and me having a full recovery. In fact I say we use that pretty dress I got you and later tonight we party with rich assholes. Show those corporate assholes that us hood rats can really party.” Ami gets a wide smile on her face as she eagerly nods and practically drags Levi to the coffee shop. Levi and Ami order fancy and probably over priced coffee and some muffins and a light breakfast. Ami light sips her hot coffee while Levi sips his iced coffee. Levi gives a stern look to Ami as he speaks with a caring tone and gives her a light head pat. “Remember to sip slow brat. I know coffee makes you hyper.” Ami nods as she sips slowly.

The two basked in the morning light that filtered through the windows. They breathed softly as there were no loud sounds of cars or yelling merchants. Levi admired every smile and sparkle in Ami’s eyes. Ami would occasionally look up and see Levi staring, before she blushes and smiles warmly. The two basked in the loving aura of each other. Just two lovebirds admiring the little things you know?

Unfortunately moments like these are often interrupted, especially in places like where Ami and Levi live. So what interrupted our loving couples nice moment? The cracked and annoying war cry of our favorite clown moron.

“Ackerman!” The cry rung from the entrance to the of the coffee shop. Levi let’s out a deep and annoyed sigh. “For fucks sake.” Ami quickly adds “yuuup, here we go again.” Ami, Levi and other annoyed customers turn their eyes to Max, who’s face is have covered from bandages. He stands alone, with a metal baseball bat in hand.

Levi shakes his head before he attacks Max with his angry tone. “Max can you just fuck off?” Ami quickly adds “yeah bro, your just embarrassing yourself.” Max let’s out an angry grunt before he bites back, still dressed like a dumbass clown Mad Max cosplay. “Shut up! You made me and my friends look like a joke!” Ami snickers to herself as she says “bro, you don’t need our help with that.” Levi snickers to himself as everyone’s attention shifts to the sound of a shotgun loading a round. The one holding the gun is the barista, who has a deadpan face as he shouts. “Sir, this is corporate property. You have until the count of three before under city code I have permission to shoot.”

Max, clearly blinded by rage and a need for revenge, starts mouthing off. Oh I hope he gets shot, he’s so annoying to write for. Just listen to him go off. “Oh Ho Ho you think I’m afraid of some bean pusher? I don’t think so bitch! Come at me!” What did the barista say in response? “THREE!”

With that a loud metal click is heard as three large pieces of shrapnel explode out of the gun. Two of the pieces miss, one however takes a large meaty chunk out of Max’s left leg. Now as you can imagine, Max’s reaction is something along the lines of and I’m paraphrasing, “FUCK FUCK FUCK OH FUCK OH SHIT OF FUUUUUUUCK.”

Ami holds back her laughter as Levi calmly sips his tea. Someone walks up to the screaming moron and stabs him with a medical booster that slows the bleeding, and called for an ambulance. Eventually paramedics come and get the screaming dumbass off the side of the street. Ami and Levi just casually have a conversation because getting shot and surviving in this city is pretty common. Levi sips his coffee as he talks to Ami. “So what party do we want to crash tonight? I know there’s a few big spender parties around the city.” Ami finishes her coffee and has a puzzled look before she smiles wide. “Oh! What about some fancy hotel party? That way we can pay our way in and then get a fancy room to trash!”

Levi nodded and started looking up fancy hotel parties on his phone while staying under budget so they have some spending money for later. He finds a party and pays for the coffee and breakfast, as the two head home. The two spent the day just chilling and waiting for the afternoon. Ami mostly just laid her leg in Levi’s thigh so he could help her to maintenance on her gun leg. Eventually the day passes and the sun sets on the horizon. Levi and Ami git dressed as Levi wears his old tuxedo and Ami wears the latex dress she got a few days before. Levi gave a call to Erwin and he let Levi borrow his muscle car, which waited for the couple outside their home.

Ami and Levi walk up to Erwin who leans against his car. He lets out a joking whistle. “Well didn’t know you could clean up so nice Levi. I’d complement you Ami but I’m worried your boyfriend would break my other arm. So I’ll just say you look lovely.” Ami let’s out a small laugh as she smiles. “Thank you Erwin. We’ll take good care of your ride.” Erwin smiles as he tosses the keys to Levi. “Welp you too have fun, try not to get arrested.” Levi gives a smug smile as he opens the passenger door for Ami to get in. Levi never drove this car before so he didn’t expect the engine to rumble the car as much. Once Levi starts the engine, the car growls to life as the outdated combustion explodes in its cylinders. The car is so salvaged that the vibrations are more intense then they should. To Levi it’s a slight annoyance, however to Ami it’s a much worse situation. As a tease and a joke, Ami isn’t wearing any panties under her dress. The vibrations of the car send shivers down Ami’s spine as she gets wetter and wetter as Levi floors or for fun. Levi loves the feel of the engine and how powerful it sounds, so loud it’s drowning out the faint whimpers of his beloved.

Levi isn’t used to such an engine as most modern cars are designed for a smooth ride and little noise pollution. A car this loud and powerful hasn’t been heard in a few years, until Erwin restored his muscle car a few months ago. The car screeched as it’s tires burned it’s rubber on the highway. Levi loved every pot hole and every gear shift, Ami however couldn’t help but blush as each pot hole and the rumble of the engine made her needier. The vibrations weren’t enough to make her moan, but it was just enough to build that fire of lust in her core. Ami quietly rubs her thighs together to try and get some more friction, only for the pleasure to not be enough for any significant feeling. Levi doesn’t seem to notice as he focuses on the road. Eventually the car pulls up to the hotel. Levi speaks as he relaxes from driving. “Wow I haven’t felt power like that in a car in a while. I miss cars like this. Well Ami are you ready to-“ Levi’s face turns to shock when he sees Ami’s cheeks flushed and her legs trembling.

Levi’s face is half concerned and half confused as he speaks, making Ami jump slightly.

“Are you alright sweetie? Is everything ok?” Ami looks at Levi as she blushes from embarrassment. She lets out a shaky word or two as she catches her breath. “I’m… I’m f-fine. The vibrations from the c-car… no p-panties…” Ami is cut off as she flinches when she feels Levi’s hand caress her face. Ami let’s out a whine as Levi forces her eyes to meet his as he abruptly leans in for a kiss. Levi caught on quickly as he tangled his tongue with hers, as the kiss deepened in passion that slowly gave way to lust. Ami’s eyes closed as her body reacted and her hand slid under her dress to touch herself. As if acting on its own, Ami’s fingers rubbed between her folds as she moaned into Levi’s mouth. Levi felt a bulge in his pants as he knew the shameless display his brat was putting on. Levi’s hand quickly went to Ami’s hand and pulled it away for her aching heat. Levi leaned out of the kiss, leaving a small string of saliva that connected the twos lips. Ami’s eyes were glazed with the pleasure she carved as she let out panting breaths. Levi spoke with a smirk on his lips. “If my little pathetic brat can keep it together for our little party… I booked us a fancy romantic suite. If you can behave, I’ll make you scream in those sound proof walls. Deal, brat?”

Ami nods as she regains her composure before flashing a bright smile. “Sounds good babe. Let’s show these rich jerks how it’s done!” Ami gently pats her cheeks as she slowly calmed down, all to the amused eyes of Levi. Ami takes one last sigh as she nodded to Levi. The two got out of the car and walked to the entrance of the tall and fancy hotel. The large building towered over a coastline view as paparazzi wait to catch a glimpse of celebrities. They mostly ignore our loving couple, except for one young man who approached them. “Oh excuse me, would you like your picture taken? The Grand Poobah Hotel and Spa makes for a lovely photo op for beautiful couples. Just five credits?” Levi nods and looks tweeds Ami who has a wide smile from ear to ear. Without even confirming with Levi, Ami drags her man into a photographic pose as she smiles for the camera. Levi hates smiling for photos, except when he’s posing with his darling. Levi let’s a small smile slip past his lips as the camera flashes. The man pulls a printed copy of the picture and hands it to Levi, as Ami admires her man. “Here you are, one copy for now and I’ll send you a digital copy.” Levi pays the photographer and puts the photo in his wallet.

The two head into the hotel and make their way to the ballroom. A large man with some kind of strength augmentations to his arms stands in Levi and Ami’s way. The large and strong man raises his hand and speaks in a low tone. “Sorry, this party is invitation only. May I see your invitation?” Levi gives a smug grin as he puffs out his chest and talks in a slight mocking tone. “Well, Mega Hit augments. Impressive. As for the invitation I heard you can pay for it.” Levi waves a small stack of bills in front of the mans face. He quickly grabbed the money and nodded as he stepped aside. Levi pulls Ami close to his hip as he busts through the doors to the party. As soon as the couple walked through the doors, they immediately found some people staring.

The party guests were made up of low level corporates and b-level celebrities.

Levi and Ami strolled through the party with great confidence, embracing every judgmental stare they got. With every judgmental whisper and stare, the couple knew they were making these rich assholes angry and scared at the same time. Levi openly groped Ami’s ass as she giggles and slams a few glass of wine. Eventually some posh looking guy walks up and says “excuse me do you two have invitation?” in a posh and condensing tone. Levi gives a smug look to Ami as she responds practically yelling. “Well guess what we bought our way in sooooo, guess your party isn’t so private hun?” Levi and Ami high five and practically shove the guy out of the way as they walk and high five. They act loud, obnoxious and as impolite as possible. With every action they felt a judgmental stare and some rich jerk act all offended. It was an amazing feeling that Ami and Levi enjoyed so much. Ami practically had to hold Levi back after he heard someone call Ami “street trash”.

Eventually the two had their fun, threw a glass of wine on someone in a fur coat and ran to their room.

The two giggled and laughed as they walked through the hallways to their room. Levi opened the door to the suite and was met to a red room with a mirror on the ceiling. The bed was shaped like a heart, champagne was on ice, soft saxophone music played in the background, the whole nine yards. Levi took Ami’s hand and lead her to the front of the bed. He immediately kissed her deeply as her moans escaped her mouth. As the twos lips made an air tight seal, Ami blushed as she went weak in the knees. Ami melted in his hands in an instant, finally she was able to release her pent up feelings. Without warning Levi helps Ami slip out of her dress and attacked her neck with kisses and light bites. Ami moaned and let put pants as she slid her hand to feel Levi’s growing erection growing in his pants.

No words were said, no words needed to be said. Moans and body language said all the words the two couldn’t moan out. Without warning Levi pushed Ami and she fell and landed on her back on the bed. Without hesitation Levi practically tore off his suit jacket and shirt as he unbuttoned his pants. Levi struggled but quickly gets his pants and underwear off as his hard cock springs out. Ami drools at the sight as she feels herself getting wetter by the second. Ami was so mesmerized by her lovers body, she didn’t notice Levi crawling on-top of her. Levi hovered over Ami, just inches away from their lips touching. Levi whispered as he stood between Ami’s legs and rubbed his tip against her folds. “Beg for it brat.” Ami whined as she blushed and said in a sheepish tone. “Ruin me babe!”

Levi smiles and gripped Ami’s hips and rammed his aching cock deep into Ami’s heat in one fast motion. Ami let out moans that quickly turned into broken moans as Levi thrusted hard and fast. Levi’s hands dug into his lovers hips as he kissed her deeply and thrusted hard, with each thrust hitting Ami’s g spot and driving her crazy with pleasure. Ami’s chest bounced and heaved with with every thrust and broken moans. Ami let’s out small whimpers as Levi let’s out low grunts. However the same three words keep escaping each other’s lips. “I love you.” Those three words are punctuated with almost every thrust and kiss. Ami can feel Levi’s hard dick twitch insider her. She takes her legs and wraps them around Levi’s waist and pulls him closer, as the two embrace in a deep hug. Levi can smell Ami’s perfume as Ami’s mind slowly goes numb from the pleasure.

The two grew closer to their climax with each sloppy thrust. Ami tries to muster her strength and begs Levi to push them both over the edge. Levi gives a few final harsher thrusts as the both scream in ecstasy. Levi doesn’t stop, his thrusts are off rhythm as he fucks his cum deeper into Ami.

Ami can’t even speak, but instead shutters out broken “please” as the two get lost and addicted the pleasure.

The next morning Ami wakes up with a sore ass but finds her in Levi’s arms. Levi, still sleeps, was cuddling Ami and was sleeping soundly. Ami looked at her sleeping prince and lightly kissed his check before defining back to sleep. The two for a quick moment and exchange a “I love you.” Before they fell back asleep in each other’s arms.

[samanthasroberts]

The 5 Best Halloween Episodes You Should Watch Tonight

Happy Halloween, everyone! How you choose to celebrate this most blessed of holidays is up to you. Some of you will drink pumpkin beer until you poop jack o’ lanterns, some of you will take your children trick-or-treating, and some of you will sit on the couch and absorb horror films. But if I can make a suggestion for that last group: In between your annual viewings of Halloween 4: The One Where Michael Myers’ Mask Looks Like Total Dogshit and Texas Chainsaw Massacre III: Not That Bad, Actually, consider watching some Halloween-themed TV episodes. Because while movies are great for frights, there are a few TV shows that actually capture the spirit of Halloween. For example …

5

The Office: “Employee Transfer”

The year is 2008. The place is every theater in the known world. The movie is The Dark Knight. And the thought that’s going through four billion heads simultaneously is “I know what I’m going to be for Halloween this year.”

Read Next

How The 'Last Of Us 2' Trailer Ruined A Sure Thing

On October 31, 2008, you couldn’t throw a Batarang without hitting someone dressed in a Heath Ledger Joker outfit. The simple act of going outside was an invitation for swarms of people in purple sweatpants to come up and ask you if you wanted to see a magic trick. Drama kids draped themselves in long wool coats and ventured into the cool autumn night, looking for prey to listen to their story about how they got their scars. Former frat bros lathered on white facepaint and sipped vodka red bulls as they mumbled through half-remembered things about “chaos” and “killing the Batman.” And the one guy dressed as Beetlejuice spent the whole evening correcting people.

It was like magic. Somewhere in Heath Ledger’s wonderful performance, the worst people you knew heard a dog whistle. A dog whistle which screeched “Annoy the fuck out of everyone you know and love.” The Office understood that this was going to happen, and that’s why “Employee Transfer” is so great.

Airing on October 30th, it was like a warning to the general public: Beware, for tomorrow your neighbors will turn on you, your children will betray you, and your roommates will spend six hours attempting to apply cheek prosthetics before giving up and just using a pound of lipstick. Any show that can accurately capture the frustration of existing in the same universe as the mob of Jokers before that day of frustration actually occurs is worth your attention.

“Employee Transfer” features some of Steve Carell’s best acting in the whole series, but it’s also a great parody of the time the Earth cancelled Halloween and replaced it with Jokerfest 2008. I’ll never forgive Christopher Nolan. Never.

4

The Spectacular Spider-Man: “The Uncertainty Principle”

It’s hard for superhero shows to do a good Halloween episode, and I think it’s because superheroes wear masks all the time, and a lot of the comedy from any Halloween episode comes from what the characters decide to dress up as. It’s really hard to properly dress up as anything when your main wardrobe is one bright color with a huge symbol on your chest. That’s why most superhero Halloween specials are just plain adventure stories. In The Batman episode “Grundy’s Night,” Clayface pretends to be unkillable zombie Solomon Grundy to better rob intolerable old rich people. It’s great. You should check it out.

Unsurprisingly, The Spectacular Spider-Man, the best superhero cartoon of all time, broke the mold a little bit and gave us a Halloween episode that’s a little more think-y. However, all this metaphorin’ doesn’t prevent the episode from having a fight between Green Goblin and Spider-Man which takes up the entire third act. That was probably the greatest strength of the show: being able to balance teen drama and deep reflection with radioactive boxing matches that usually lasted about seven glorious minutes.

While most interpretations of the Green Goblin never get past the whole “Curse you, Spider-Maaaaaan” section of their shtick, this Green Goblin is a playful, sadistic dick. He’s constantly asking Spider-Man to consider what “mask” is real — the mask that hides your face or the mask that is your face. This doesn’t just play into the mystery of who the Green Goblin is, but also deals with something that’s lacking in a lot of superhero shows that are made for kids: At what point does your human identity become the facade? The Green Goblin and Peter Parker aren’t opposites; they’re both freaks who only find respite and fulfillment when they wear their masks. Peter Parker is a bespectacled shell of a nerd. It’s only when he’s Spider-Man, quipping and punching with psychopathic consistency, that his actual mask gets taken off.

Anyway, Green Goblin (Norman Osborn) fakes a leg injury and then retreats back to his home. There, he finds his son passed out, breaks his own son’s fucking leg, and puts the Goblin costume on him. Then, when Spider-Man gets there, Norman is all like “We gotta get my son some help. He’s really sick. See, his leg is broken. He’s helpless. WINK.” So yeah, if you want to watch something with all the fun of a Marvel character and all the “Oh my god, no” of comic book child abuse, this is a good one. Jeez. Maybe you should’ve just gone to a costume party or something, y’all.

3

Any Roseanne Halloween Episode

If you grew up in a small town like I did, you know that Halloweens are a gamble. You’ll get to go trick-or-treating, but only if your parents are down to drive you to a more populated place that supports such an activity. Otherwise you’re just trudging in a ditch down a lonely country road, hoping that a passing car doesn’t hit you and ruin your Dollar Store Wolfman mask and spill all of your candy. And when you age out of that, you go to a local haunted maze, which never fails to be out in the middle of nowhere. There, you watch theatrical rednecks rev chainsaws, wave severed prop heads, and ignore copyright infringements. In North Carolina, you don’t legally reach puberty until you’ve held someone’s hand through the Hacker House. It’s the law.

One of the draws of the sitcom Roseanne was that it was about a lower-middle-class family. So many sitcoms were based around how cool it would be to have friends in New York City, or how great it would be if you could shove a dozen family members into the same piece of prime San Francisco real estate. But Roseanne was hunkered down in the suburbs. The main set looked like it had been cobbled together from a thrift store’s going-out-of-business sale, the costumes were from a Fashion Bug clearance rack, and the family was loud and loving, just like mine.

Except on Halloween.

The Halloween episodes of Roseanne are things of sitcom legend. Barely having anything to do with the show itself, the Halloween episodes would go all out and present an alternate Roseanne reality where the family could suddenly afford elaborate costumes and expensive makeup. Halloween was the biggest day of the year (as it should be in all worlds, fictional or otherwise), and the usual relaxed pace of a Roseanne episode was replaced by a frantic joke parade. And for me, it was pure wish fulfillment.

You wanted to have a Roseanne Halloween. A Halloween where you could buy that expensive costume that you saw at the mall and run around and play pranks on everyone. A Halloween where you could go trick-or-treating with your friends, because most houses were less than a quarter of a mile from each other. A Halloween where everyone, adults included, understood how important Halloween was to you.

The Halloweens I experienced as a kid were fucking wonderful. But just once, I wanted a Roseanne Halloween.

2

How I Met Your Mother: “The Slutty Pumpkin Returns”

I moved from North Carolina to NYC, because it’s the true path of an artist to be miserable in a small town and then move to a large town where you’re only mostly miserable. And it’s there that I learned that you will see most of the people you know maybe once every few months. It’s just hard to hang out with people. Sure, a subway system connects the whole city, but deciding to use it is flipping the coin on whether a particular train works that day or not. So you’ll go a long time without seeing someone important to you. “Oh, I remember you! You were at that thing in 1988! New Jersey now, huh?”

The How I Met Your Mother Halloween episode “The Slutty Pumpkin Returns” gets that more than most NYC-based sitcoms. In it, human sweater vest Ted Mosby finally meets up with a girl that he saw at a Halloween party years earlier. She’d been dressed as a pumpkin, and as he did with most things with a pulse, he fell in love with her. But now, upon meeting her and dating her, he finds that they have absolutely no spark. Sitcoms, right? One minute you’re in a zany situation, the next you’re finding out that you’ve spent the last ten years pining after a lie. Laugh track!

Halloween in a big city is weird. On one hand, you want to explore what it has to offer, but it’s easy to get discouraged by the fact that you know that something like “HALLOWEEN PARTY FEATURING DJ QUANTUM. HALF-OFF SHOTS. PEOPLE IN COSTUMES GET A FREE PUMPKIN TEQUILA ENEMA” will attract roughly 30,000 people. So you go to parties, where you make friends you don’t see again for eight years. And so your big-city circle of friends becomes a mix of a core group you hang out with constantly and people you see once a decade. It’s kind of nice, especially in a sea of sitcoms that portray NYC as a place where you apparently can teleport from borough to borough, never having to worry about petty things like time or physics.

1

Walker, Texas Ranger: “The Children Of Halloween”

I don’t blame you if you don’t want to watch Walker, Texas Ranger. Chuck Norris is a pretty cartoonish figure in pop culture, but most episodes of Walker are a slog. Chuck kicks some criminals, administers a moral lesson, and talks down to everyone. Chuck Norris is judge, jury, executioner, God, Jesus, and Shakespeare in Walker, Texas Ranger. Somehow, Chuck Norris made a show about roundhouse kicks into something as boring as a Pat Robertson colonoscopy.

However, if you’re looking for something that is simultaneously a piece of batshit holiday insanity and the Walker-est Texas-est Ranger-est episode of Walker, Texas Ranger ever, watch “The Children Of Halloween.” It opens with Norris scoffing at his black co-worker’s George Washington Carver costume. Walker is a Texas Ranger, but more than that, he’s an awful dickhead.

One scene of men in ape masks shooting machine guns at a convenience store for no reason later, and we get a touching montage of kids practicing martial arts that feels like it lasts two hours. One of those kids is abducted by a satanic cult, and Walker is dropped into a race against time to stop children from being sacrificed. How spooky is all of this? So spooky that the opening credits adopt a Tales From The Crypt font and show us a cemetery with a blue filter over it. Fucking boo.

Sony Pictures Television Distribution

That’s ultimate spooky.

Regardless, Walker has never met a problem he couldn’t quite easily resolve by beating it unconscious. In the nick of time, he literally flies onto the screen with a side-kick, and then breaks a Satan worshiper’s neck in front of a group of stunned children. He proceeds to kick an entire cult into submission and saves the day. Walker finishes the episode by drinking coffee in a bar while ignoring the women who hit on him, because as the theme song says, “That’s what a ranger’s gonna be.” Yep. Murder a bunch of strangers in front of elementary schoolers and never have sex, like, ever. It’s what a ranger’s gonna be. Who am I to argue?

Daniel has a spooky, scary Twitter.

The Simpsons Tree House of Horror Collection is objectively the greatest Halloween TV you’ll ever find on this Earth. Enjoy!

If you loved this article and want more content like this, support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

For more, check out 6 Unnecessarily Horrifying Episodes Of Beloved Kids Shows and 5 Inexplicably Creepy Episodes of Family Friendly TV Shows.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out The Darkest Episode of an 80’s Sitcom Ever, and watch other videos you won’t see on the site!

Also follow us on Facebook. Boo!

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/12/06/the-5-best-halloween-episodes-you-should-watch-tonight/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/12/06/the-5-best-halloween-episodes-you-should-watch-tonight/

[adambstingus]

The 5 Best Halloween Episodes You Should Watch Tonight

Happy Halloween, everyone! How you choose to celebrate this most blessed of holidays is up to you. Some of you will drink pumpkin beer until you poop jack o’ lanterns, some of you will take your children trick-or-treating, and some of you will sit on the couch and absorb horror films. But if I can make a suggestion for that last group: In between your annual viewings of Halloween 4: The One Where Michael Myers’ Mask Looks Like Total Dogshit and Texas Chainsaw Massacre III: Not That Bad, Actually, consider watching some Halloween-themed TV episodes. Because while movies are great for frights, there are a few TV shows that actually capture the spirit of Halloween. For example …

5

The Office: “Employee Transfer”

The year is 2008. The place is every theater in the known world. The movie is The Dark Knight. And the thought that’s going through four billion heads simultaneously is “I know what I’m going to be for Halloween this year.”

Read Next

How The ‘Last Of Us 2’ Trailer Ruined A Sure Thing

On October 31, 2008, you couldn’t throw a Batarang without hitting someone dressed in a Heath Ledger Joker outfit. The simple act of going outside was an invitation for swarms of people in purple sweatpants to come up and ask you if you wanted to see a magic trick. Drama kids draped themselves in long wool coats and ventured into the cool autumn night, looking for prey to listen to their story about how they got their scars. Former frat bros lathered on white facepaint and sipped vodka red bulls as they mumbled through half-remembered things about “chaos” and “killing the Batman.” And the one guy dressed as Beetlejuice spent the whole evening correcting people.

It was like magic. Somewhere in Heath Ledger’s wonderful performance, the worst people you knew heard a dog whistle. A dog whistle which screeched “Annoy the fuck out of everyone you know and love.” The Office understood that this was going to happen, and that’s why “Employee Transfer” is so great.

Airing on October 30th, it was like a warning to the general public: Beware, for tomorrow your neighbors will turn on you, your children will betray you, and your roommates will spend six hours attempting to apply cheek prosthetics before giving up and just using a pound of lipstick. Any show that can accurately capture the frustration of existing in the same universe as the mob of Jokers before that day of frustration actually occurs is worth your attention.

“Employee Transfer” features some of Steve Carell’s best acting in the whole series, but it’s also a great parody of the time the Earth cancelled Halloween and replaced it with Jokerfest 2008. I’ll never forgive Christopher Nolan. Never.

4

The Spectacular Spider-Man: “The Uncertainty Principle”

It’s hard for superhero shows to do a good Halloween episode, and I think it’s because superheroes wear masks all the time, and a lot of the comedy from any Halloween episode comes from what the characters decide to dress up as. It’s really hard to properly dress up as anything when your main wardrobe is one bright color with a huge symbol on your chest. That’s why most superhero Halloween specials are just plain adventure stories. In The Batman episode “Grundy’s Night,” Clayface pretends to be unkillable zombie Solomon Grundy to better rob intolerable old rich people. It’s great. You should check it out.

Unsurprisingly, The Spectacular Spider-Man, the best superhero cartoon of all time, broke the mold a little bit and gave us a Halloween episode that’s a little more think-y. However, all this metaphorin’ doesn’t prevent the episode from having a fight between Green Goblin and Spider-Man which takes up the entire third act. That was probably the greatest strength of the show: being able to balance teen drama and deep reflection with radioactive boxing matches that usually lasted about seven glorious minutes.

While most interpretations of the Green Goblin never get past the whole “Curse you, Spider-Maaaaaan” section of their shtick, this Green Goblin is a playful, sadistic dick. He’s constantly asking Spider-Man to consider what “mask” is real — the mask that hides your face or the mask that is your face. This doesn’t just play into the mystery of who the Green Goblin is, but also deals with something that’s lacking in a lot of superhero shows that are made for kids: At what point does your human identity become the facade? The Green Goblin and Peter Parker aren’t opposites; they’re both freaks who only find respite and fulfillment when they wear their masks. Peter Parker is a bespectacled shell of a nerd. It’s only when he’s Spider-Man, quipping and punching with psychopathic consistency, that his actual mask gets taken off.

Anyway, Green Goblin (Norman Osborn) fakes a leg injury and then retreats back to his home. There, he finds his son passed out, breaks his own son’s fucking leg, and puts the Goblin costume on him. Then, when Spider-Man gets there, Norman is all like “We gotta get my son some help. He’s really sick. See, his leg is broken. He’s helpless. WINK.” So yeah, if you want to watch something with all the fun of a Marvel character and all the “Oh my god, no” of comic book child abuse, this is a good one. Jeez. Maybe you should’ve just gone to a costume party or something, y’all.

3

Any Roseanne Halloween Episode

If you grew up in a small town like I did, you know that Halloweens are a gamble. You’ll get to go trick-or-treating, but only if your parents are down to drive you to a more populated place that supports such an activity. Otherwise you’re just trudging in a ditch down a lonely country road, hoping that a passing car doesn’t hit you and ruin your Dollar Store Wolfman mask and spill all of your candy. And when you age out of that, you go to a local haunted maze, which never fails to be out in the middle of nowhere. There, you watch theatrical rednecks rev chainsaws, wave severed prop heads, and ignore copyright infringements. In North Carolina, you don’t legally reach puberty until you’ve held someone’s hand through the Hacker House. It’s the law.

One of the draws of the sitcom Roseanne was that it was about a lower-middle-class family. So many sitcoms were based around how cool it would be to have friends in New York City, or how great it would be if you could shove a dozen family members into the same piece of prime San Francisco real estate. But Roseanne was hunkered down in the suburbs. The main set looked like it had been cobbled together from a thrift store’s going-out-of-business sale, the costumes were from a Fashion Bug clearance rack, and the family was loud and loving, just like mine.

Except on Halloween.

The Halloween episodes of Roseanne are things of sitcom legend. Barely having anything to do with the show itself, the Halloween episodes would go all out and present an alternate Roseanne reality where the family could suddenly afford elaborate costumes and expensive makeup. Halloween was the biggest day of the year (as it should be in all worlds, fictional or otherwise), and the usual relaxed pace of a Roseanne episode was replaced by a frantic joke parade. And for me, it was pure wish fulfillment.

You wanted to have a Roseanne Halloween. A Halloween where you could buy that expensive costume that you saw at the mall and run around and play pranks on everyone. A Halloween where you could go trick-or-treating with your friends, because most houses were less than a quarter of a mile from each other. A Halloween where everyone, adults included, understood how important Halloween was to you.

The Halloweens I experienced as a kid were fucking wonderful. But just once, I wanted a Roseanne Halloween.

2

How I Met Your Mother: “The Slutty Pumpkin Returns”

I moved from North Carolina to NYC, because it’s the true path of an artist to be miserable in a small town and then move to a large town where you’re only mostly miserable. And it’s there that I learned that you will see most of the people you know maybe once every few months. It’s just hard to hang out with people. Sure, a subway system connects the whole city, but deciding to use it is flipping the coin on whether a particular train works that day or not. So you’ll go a long time without seeing someone important to you. “Oh, I remember you! You were at that thing in 1988! New Jersey now, huh?”

The How I Met Your Mother Halloween episode “The Slutty Pumpkin Returns” gets that more than most NYC-based sitcoms. In it, human sweater vest Ted Mosby finally meets up with a girl that he saw at a Halloween party years earlier. She’d been dressed as a pumpkin, and as he did with most things with a pulse, he fell in love with her. But now, upon meeting her and dating her, he finds that they have absolutely no spark. Sitcoms, right? One minute you’re in a zany situation, the next you’re finding out that you’ve spent the last ten years pining after a lie. Laugh track!

Halloween in a big city is weird. On one hand, you want to explore what it has to offer, but it’s easy to get discouraged by the fact that you know that something like “HALLOWEEN PARTY FEATURING DJ QUANTUM. HALF-OFF SHOTS. PEOPLE IN COSTUMES GET A FREE PUMPKIN TEQUILA ENEMA” will attract roughly 30,000 people. So you go to parties, where you make friends you don’t see again for eight years. And so your big-city circle of friends becomes a mix of a core group you hang out with constantly and people you see once a decade. It’s kind of nice, especially in a sea of sitcoms that portray NYC as a place where you apparently can teleport from borough to borough, never having to worry about petty things like time or physics.

1

Walker, Texas Ranger: “The Children Of Halloween”

I don’t blame you if you don’t want to watch Walker, Texas Ranger. Chuck Norris is a pretty cartoonish figure in pop culture, but most episodes of Walker are a slog. Chuck kicks some criminals, administers a moral lesson, and talks down to everyone. Chuck Norris is judge, jury, executioner, God, Jesus, and Shakespeare in Walker, Texas Ranger. Somehow, Chuck Norris made a show about roundhouse kicks into something as boring as a Pat Robertson colonoscopy.

However, if you’re looking for something that is simultaneously a piece of batshit holiday insanity and the Walker-est Texas-est Ranger-est episode of Walker, Texas Ranger ever, watch “The Children Of Halloween.” It opens with Norris scoffing at his black co-worker’s George Washington Carver costume. Walker is a Texas Ranger, but more than that, he’s an awful dickhead.

One scene of men in ape masks shooting machine guns at a convenience store for no reason later, and we get a touching montage of kids practicing martial arts that feels like it lasts two hours. One of those kids is abducted by a satanic cult, and Walker is dropped into a race against time to stop children from being sacrificed. How spooky is all of this? So spooky that the opening credits adopt a Tales From The Crypt font and show us a cemetery with a blue filter over it. Fucking boo.

Sony Pictures Television Distribution

That’s ultimate spooky.

Regardless, Walker has never met a problem he couldn’t quite easily resolve by beating it unconscious. In the nick of time, he literally flies onto the screen with a side-kick, and then breaks a Satan worshiper’s neck in front of a group of stunned children. He proceeds to kick an entire cult into submission and saves the day. Walker finishes the episode by drinking coffee in a bar while ignoring the women who hit on him, because as the theme song says, “That’s what a ranger’s gonna be.” Yep. Murder a bunch of strangers in front of elementary schoolers and never have sex, like, ever. It’s what a ranger’s gonna be. Who am I to argue?

Daniel has a spooky, scary Twitter.

The Simpsons Tree House of Horror Collection is objectively the greatest Halloween TV you’ll ever find on this Earth. Enjoy!

If you loved this article and want more content like this, support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

For more, check out 6 Unnecessarily Horrifying Episodes Of Beloved Kids Shows and 5 Inexplicably Creepy Episodes of Family Friendly TV Shows.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out The Darkest Episode of an 80’s Sitcom Ever, and watch other videos you won’t see on the site!

Also follow us on Facebook. Boo!

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/12/06/the-5-best-halloween-episodes-you-should-watch-tonight/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/168246093102

[allofbeercom]

The 5 Best Halloween Episodes You Should Watch Tonight

Happy Halloween, everyone! How you choose to celebrate this most blessed of holidays is up to you. Some of you will drink pumpkin beer until you poop jack o’ lanterns, some of you will take your children trick-or-treating, and some of you will sit on the couch and absorb horror films. But if I can make a suggestion for that last group: In between your annual viewings of Halloween 4: The One Where Michael Myers’ Mask Looks Like Total Dogshit and Texas Chainsaw Massacre III: Not That Bad, Actually, consider watching some Halloween-themed TV episodes. Because while movies are great for frights, there are a few TV shows that actually capture the spirit of Halloween. For example …

5

The Office: “Employee Transfer”

The year is 2008. The place is every theater in the known world. The movie is The Dark Knight. And the thought that’s going through four billion heads simultaneously is “I know what I’m going to be for Halloween this year.”

Read Next

How The 'Last Of Us 2' Trailer Ruined A Sure Thing

On October 31, 2008, you couldn’t throw a Batarang without hitting someone dressed in a Heath Ledger Joker outfit. The simple act of going outside was an invitation for swarms of people in purple sweatpants to come up and ask you if you wanted to see a magic trick. Drama kids draped themselves in long wool coats and ventured into the cool autumn night, looking for prey to listen to their story about how they got their scars. Former frat bros lathered on white facepaint and sipped vodka red bulls as they mumbled through half-remembered things about “chaos” and “killing the Batman.” And the one guy dressed as Beetlejuice spent the whole evening correcting people.

It was like magic. Somewhere in Heath Ledger’s wonderful performance, the worst people you knew heard a dog whistle. A dog whistle which screeched “Annoy the fuck out of everyone you know and love.” The Office understood that this was going to happen, and that’s why “Employee Transfer” is so great.

Airing on October 30th, it was like a warning to the general public: Beware, for tomorrow your neighbors will turn on you, your children will betray you, and your roommates will spend six hours attempting to apply cheek prosthetics before giving up and just using a pound of lipstick. Any show that can accurately capture the frustration of existing in the same universe as the mob of Jokers before that day of frustration actually occurs is worth your attention.

“Employee Transfer” features some of Steve Carell’s best acting in the whole series, but it’s also a great parody of the time the Earth cancelled Halloween and replaced it with Jokerfest 2008. I’ll never forgive Christopher Nolan. Never.

4

The Spectacular Spider-Man: “The Uncertainty Principle”

It’s hard for superhero shows to do a good Halloween episode, and I think it’s because superheroes wear masks all the time, and a lot of the comedy from any Halloween episode comes from what the characters decide to dress up as. It’s really hard to properly dress up as anything when your main wardrobe is one bright color with a huge symbol on your chest. That’s why most superhero Halloween specials are just plain adventure stories. In The Batman episode “Grundy’s Night,” Clayface pretends to be unkillable zombie Solomon Grundy to better rob intolerable old rich people. It’s great. You should check it out.

Unsurprisingly, The Spectacular Spider-Man, the best superhero cartoon of all time, broke the mold a little bit and gave us a Halloween episode that’s a little more think-y. However, all this metaphorin’ doesn’t prevent the episode from having a fight between Green Goblin and Spider-Man which takes up the entire third act. That was probably the greatest strength of the show: being able to balance teen drama and deep reflection with radioactive boxing matches that usually lasted about seven glorious minutes.

While most interpretations of the Green Goblin never get past the whole “Curse you, Spider-Maaaaaan” section of their shtick, this Green Goblin is a playful, sadistic dick. He’s constantly asking Spider-Man to consider what “mask” is real — the mask that hides your face or the mask that is your face. This doesn’t just play into the mystery of who the Green Goblin is, but also deals with something that’s lacking in a lot of superhero shows that are made for kids: At what point does your human identity become the facade? The Green Goblin and Peter Parker aren’t opposites; they’re both freaks who only find respite and fulfillment when they wear their masks. Peter Parker is a bespectacled shell of a nerd. It’s only when he’s Spider-Man, quipping and punching with psychopathic consistency, that his actual mask gets taken off.

Anyway, Green Goblin (Norman Osborn) fakes a leg injury and then retreats back to his home. There, he finds his son passed out, breaks his own son’s fucking leg, and puts the Goblin costume on him. Then, when Spider-Man gets there, Norman is all like “We gotta get my son some help. He’s really sick. See, his leg is broken. He’s helpless. WINK.” So yeah, if you want to watch something with all the fun of a Marvel character and all the “Oh my god, no” of comic book child abuse, this is a good one. Jeez. Maybe you should’ve just gone to a costume party or something, y’all.

3

Any Roseanne Halloween Episode

If you grew up in a small town like I did, you know that Halloweens are a gamble. You’ll get to go trick-or-treating, but only if your parents are down to drive you to a more populated place that supports such an activity. Otherwise you’re just trudging in a ditch down a lonely country road, hoping that a passing car doesn’t hit you and ruin your Dollar Store Wolfman mask and spill all of your candy. And when you age out of that, you go to a local haunted maze, which never fails to be out in the middle of nowhere. There, you watch theatrical rednecks rev chainsaws, wave severed prop heads, and ignore copyright infringements. In North Carolina, you don’t legally reach puberty until you’ve held someone’s hand through the Hacker House. It’s the law.

One of the draws of the sitcom Roseanne was that it was about a lower-middle-class family. So many sitcoms were based around how cool it would be to have friends in New York City, or how great it would be if you could shove a dozen family members into the same piece of prime San Francisco real estate. But Roseanne was hunkered down in the suburbs. The main set looked like it had been cobbled together from a thrift store’s going-out-of-business sale, the costumes were from a Fashion Bug clearance rack, and the family was loud and loving, just like mine.

Except on Halloween.

The Halloween episodes of Roseanne are things of sitcom legend. Barely having anything to do with the show itself, the Halloween episodes would go all out and present an alternate Roseanne reality where the family could suddenly afford elaborate costumes and expensive makeup. Halloween was the biggest day of the year (as it should be in all worlds, fictional or otherwise), and the usual relaxed pace of a Roseanne episode was replaced by a frantic joke parade. And for me, it was pure wish fulfillment.

You wanted to have a Roseanne Halloween. A Halloween where you could buy that expensive costume that you saw at the mall and run around and play pranks on everyone. A Halloween where you could go trick-or-treating with your friends, because most houses were less than a quarter of a mile from each other. A Halloween where everyone, adults included, understood how important Halloween was to you.

The Halloweens I experienced as a kid were fucking wonderful. But just once, I wanted a Roseanne Halloween.

2

How I Met Your Mother: “The Slutty Pumpkin Returns”

I moved from North Carolina to NYC, because it’s the true path of an artist to be miserable in a small town and then move to a large town where you’re only mostly miserable. And it’s there that I learned that you will see most of the people you know maybe once every few months. It’s just hard to hang out with people. Sure, a subway system connects the whole city, but deciding to use it is flipping the coin on whether a particular train works that day or not. So you’ll go a long time without seeing someone important to you. “Oh, I remember you! You were at that thing in 1988! New Jersey now, huh?”

The How I Met Your Mother Halloween episode “The Slutty Pumpkin Returns” gets that more than most NYC-based sitcoms. In it, human sweater vest Ted Mosby finally meets up with a girl that he saw at a Halloween party years earlier. She’d been dressed as a pumpkin, and as he did with most things with a pulse, he fell in love with her. But now, upon meeting her and dating her, he finds that they have absolutely no spark. Sitcoms, right? One minute you’re in a zany situation, the next you’re finding out that you’ve spent the last ten years pining after a lie. Laugh track!

Halloween in a big city is weird. On one hand, you want to explore what it has to offer, but it’s easy to get discouraged by the fact that you know that something like “HALLOWEEN PARTY FEATURING DJ QUANTUM. HALF-OFF SHOTS. PEOPLE IN COSTUMES GET A FREE PUMPKIN TEQUILA ENEMA” will attract roughly 30,000 people. So you go to parties, where you make friends you don’t see again for eight years. And so your big-city circle of friends becomes a mix of a core group you hang out with constantly and people you see once a decade. It’s kind of nice, especially in a sea of sitcoms that portray NYC as a place where you apparently can teleport from borough to borough, never having to worry about petty things like time or physics.

1

Walker, Texas Ranger: “The Children Of Halloween”

I don’t blame you if you don’t want to watch Walker, Texas Ranger. Chuck Norris is a pretty cartoonish figure in pop culture, but most episodes of Walker are a slog. Chuck kicks some criminals, administers a moral lesson, and talks down to everyone. Chuck Norris is judge, jury, executioner, God, Jesus, and Shakespeare in Walker, Texas Ranger. Somehow, Chuck Norris made a show about roundhouse kicks into something as boring as a Pat Robertson colonoscopy.

However, if you’re looking for something that is simultaneously a piece of batshit holiday insanity and the Walker-est Texas-est Ranger-est episode of Walker, Texas Ranger ever, watch “The Children Of Halloween.” It opens with Norris scoffing at his black co-worker’s George Washington Carver costume. Walker is a Texas Ranger, but more than that, he’s an awful dickhead.

One scene of men in ape masks shooting machine guns at a convenience store for no reason later, and we get a touching montage of kids practicing martial arts that feels like it lasts two hours. One of those kids is abducted by a satanic cult, and Walker is dropped into a race against time to stop children from being sacrificed. How spooky is all of this? So spooky that the opening credits adopt a Tales From The Crypt font and show us a cemetery with a blue filter over it. Fucking boo.

Sony Pictures Television Distribution

That’s ultimate spooky.

Regardless, Walker has never met a problem he couldn’t quite easily resolve by beating it unconscious. In the nick of time, he literally flies onto the screen with a side-kick, and then breaks a Satan worshiper’s neck in front of a group of stunned children. He proceeds to kick an entire cult into submission and saves the day. Walker finishes the episode by drinking coffee in a bar while ignoring the women who hit on him, because as the theme song says, “That’s what a ranger’s gonna be.” Yep. Murder a bunch of strangers in front of elementary schoolers and never have sex, like, ever. It’s what a ranger’s gonna be. Who am I to argue?

Daniel has a spooky, scary Twitter.

The Simpsons Tree House of Horror Collection is objectively the greatest Halloween TV you’ll ever find on this Earth. Enjoy!

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from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/12/06/the-5-best-halloween-episodes-you-should-watch-tonight/