#brought to you by: I got knocked the fuck out by my booster shot and I am absolutely doing a replay right this moment

[alexibeeart]

I’m having a bad time, health-wise

cw: animal attack, medical stuff, digestion/food, money, anxiety, depression, catastrophizing

so

I’ve been trying to not like talk about this just for general privacy concerns, and to avoid worrying people, and ??? who knows, but over the past two weeks a lot of stuff has been compounding and stressing me the fuck out that all started with one event, and that’s: getting attacked by a stray cat.

on my regular, routine, neighborhood evening walk, I came across a cat walking on the sidewalk in the distance towards me. as I got closer it stopped and i kept approaching, because, you know, yay kitty cat. I thought it was someone’s house cat out for the night. it looked like a normal healthy adult cat. it wasn’t walking funny or drooling and didn’t appear sick. but when it hunched down and i could tell it was growling NOT meowing, i started to back away carefully and attempt to cross the street to leave the area. the cat wasn’t having that. it lunged at me, attached itself onto my left leg, and started biting and scratching all over. I thank whatever God Above that i was wearing long pants. I screamed and managed to shake it off after a few seconds. I didn’t see a single person come outside or check to see why some lady was screaming bloody murder on the sidewalk. I hobbled all the way home, making very sure that it wasn’t chasing me (it wasn’t, just stood there), proceded to freak the fuck out, took off my pants, and assessed the damage.

I had scratches all up and down my calf, two very large clusters of deep claw-wounds on either side of my knee, and a few bite marks on my thigh and knee. My pants were soaked in blood on the inside, i had to throw them out and i was very sad because they were my mom’s. It was bad. my family helped me clean-up, wrap-up—we bought these jam-packed first-aid kits for the house a few months back they proved to be invaluable—and drove me to the urgent care. I didn’t have to wait very long, thankfully, and was brought back into a room where i explained what happened. I got a tetanus booster, and because we didn’t know anything about the cat I was also started on the rabies vaccine. If you don’t know anything about the rabies vaccine let me tell you you don’t want to ever have to need it, but also please take it if you do. rabies is no joke. I had to be injected in all of the wound sites which hurt a lot, and then another shot in my deltoid (upper arm, same as where they give the Covid vaccine). I had to go back three more times over the next two weeks on days 3, 7, and 14 (that’s today!) to get the rest of the vaccine doses. I already had some rabies anxiety, but this has just absolutely wrecked me. I’m basically convinced that even though it’s very unlikely the cat even was rabid (we think we’ve seen it a few times since, just a skittish feral stray, we’ve also warned the neighbors and i had to report the attack to the Public Health Department), and even though i was cleaned and treated very quickly after the event and the vaccine is basically 100% effective, i’m just convinced that they did something wrong or that i’ll still die of rabies somehow anyways. it’s like a waiting game from anywhere to weeks to years to the rest of my life

I was also put on a 10day course of preventative antibiotics called Augmentin, to make sure my wounds didn’t get infected. it’s a wide-spectrum antibiotic that’s given for animal bites and other stuff. On the last day, which was this past Wednesday, i started uhhhh well let’s just say my guts are not happy. I wish one single healthcare personnel had suggested i started taking a probiotic alongside the antibiotics because apparently this particular one is prone to cause bad, sometimes awful and debilitating, digestive issues because it knocks out so much indiscriminately including the good stuff in your intestines that protects against the bad stuff, and apparently i could have saved myself all this trouble. i have to give a stool sample to the lab on Monday to find out if i potentially have something called C. diff that’s like basically just the worst bacteria ever. even if i don’t, which i probably don’t (hopefully), i’m still just feeling like shit and after all this everything just feels so horrible all the time. I’m extremely depressed and feeling hopeless. i’m hungry for actual food but i’m on a bland diet for the diarrhea. i’m just exhausted. I’m finally on a probiotic currently and maybe feeling a little better very slowly? but it’s hard to tell honestly

Between the rabies anxiety and now this, i’ve been extremely deep-diving and spiraling into the internet and just convinced that i have every worst case scenario imaginable. I am an anxious mess. Every tiny single twinge of anything in my body and i immediately decide it’s a symptom of xyz and that i’m doomed

and then there’s the money. medical bills, antibiotics, paying for gauze and bandages etc out of pocket. the rabies vaccine is very, very, very expensive! stupid expensive!!!!!! I am now facing over $11,000 in medical bills. The nurses at the urgent care gave me an HCAP application and i have worked really hard to put everything together for it and fucking pray that i’m approved for partial or full coverage. ps i’m uninsured, of course

I’m just kind of in a really, really bad place. that’s why there was no Freebie Friday this week. That’s why i haven’t managed to get any new handmade listings up, even though I currently have two things finished that i was really fucking excited about. All my energy and time goes into this, whether it’s counting the time between uhhh digestive episodes, or calling the doctor, going to the doctor, getting shots, cleaning my wounds, re-dressing my wounds, putting together stuff for financial aid, and so on

I was starting to feel better last Monday when my doctor took a look at the wounds and affirmed that everything looks like it’s healing well, no infections, and now my guts have laid me flat all over again. I also have other stuff that’s been stressing me out, including job-hunting, doing stuff as mom’s estate administrator, i was pretty fragile already

anyways, i don’t really know where i’m going with this now, maybe stay tuned if i have to fucking make a GoFundMe for all this shit and if i disappear from the internet it’s because i’m either just too depressed to do anything or i’m dead from rabies or i’ve shit myself to death from C. diff or God Knows What Else

yeah i don’t know yall please stay away from stray cats i am so fucked up from all of this i love cats I’ve always had cats and i’m finding myself nervous around my own sweet indoor girls right now

[vaguely-concerned]

sometimes you will hear a small voice in your head that whispers '...but what if you did another playthrough of dragon age inquisition? like just to get those good good lore brain tingles going while we wait for the next game? it doesn't have to be a completionist playthrough or anything, we could get it done quick'. and I want you to know that is the devil speaking to you because he gets kickbacks on every moment spent farming power in the hinterlands

[chokemeanakin]

R2D2 x C3P0 Smut

Protocol droids and astromech’s deserve a good romp too

TW: Choking, spanking, gagging, handcuffing, rough fucking, slight mentions of a daddy kink

Masterlist

“R2, you must cut it out,” C3PO scolded, turning to face the astromech and knocking his utility hand away from his asshole. R2 was feeling spicy today, and C3P0 wanted nothing more than to quench the little guy’s thirst for some robot bussy-- however, Senator Amidala was throwing a banquet in her quarters currently, and C3P0 needed to be at full attention in case anything needed translating. 

“Beep boop boop,” R2 said. 

C3P0 blushed. “Thank you R2, Master Anakin shined me up this morning. I do think my behind looks quite magnificent now, but you must wait until later to get a slice of this thick juicy ass. My services are needed now!”

C3P0 went to go waddle across the room where Senator Amidala called him over, but suddenly he couldn’t move. R2 had his magnet attachment suctioned onto the back of C3P0, and he was literally dragging him out of the banquet.

“R2! R2 let me go this instant!”

Of course, R2 didn’t listen. He dragged the protocol droid all the way to the master bedroom and flung him onto the bed, the same one Anakin and Padme slept in. R2 stuck his utility arm in the plug in the wall, forcing the doors to lock and the lights to dim.

“You mongrel! You couldn’t just wait? You’re just like your master, no patience whatsoever. I can’t believe you just dragged me out of the banquet like that, Senator Amidala needed my services! R2? R2… I don’t like that look on your face…”

C3P0 pushed himself so he was sitting upright on the bed, watching R2 roll toward him slowly. He used his boosters to fly himself onto the bed, right on top of C3P0’s gleaming, lustrous golden body. 

“Beep boop beep boop,” R2 said, then shot his utility arm out to pin C3P0’s neck to the bed.

“Oh my-- hey! You know this isn’t going to do anything for me right? I don’t need oxygen to breathe--”

“Beep boop,” R2 quieted him with his filthy words, causing C3P0 to stop struggling and stare at him blankly. All of the electrical currents pulsing throughout his body headed south, leaving his mind whirring far behind. He could speak over 6 million languages, but for some reason his system could not compute the sinful words R2 just spoke.

“Boop,” R2 praised his cooperation. Now that he had him under control, he took his other utility arm and started sliding it downwards. He whispered the dirtiest beeps and boops into C3P0’s ear as he did so.

“R2,” he moaned when his utility arm reached his robot bussy. He was already leaking oils, making a mess of Anakin and Padme’s bed. R2 mirrored the sound as C3P0 reached forward and began to massage his gasoline port. 

R2’s arms were working magic on C3P0. He jabbed at his bussy, the clanking noises loud and wet with oil. C3P0 moaned in ecstasy, eyes glowing brighter and brighter yellow as R2 rearranged his insides and he neared his orgasm. Suddenly, R2 pulled back, leaving C3P0 with a crashing high and an immense feeling of disappointment.

“What was that for?” he whined loudly. “R2, I do believe that was quite rude-- oh.”

R2 had pulled something out of his head compartment-- a leather whip, with multiple tassels on the end. C3P0 felt his nether regions whir to life again.

“Boop bee boop,” R2 instructed, and his commanding boops sent shivers down C3P0’s spine. He followed his orders and got on his hands and knees, ass displayed for R2. R2 carrassed his pert, shiny little golden ass with his utility arm. Then he brought the whip down onto it with a resounding smack, causing a dent to form in C3P0’s ass metal.

C3P0 moaned happily, absorbing the impact of another spank. He loved being marked up by R2, loved how he wasn’t able to sit properly until Master Anakin replaced his ass piece. Sometimes it took weeks.

Once his ass was thoroughly beat and dented, R2 got rid of the whip and replaced it with a ball gag, tying it around C3P0’s head. 

“R2, while I find this extremely sensual, I don’t believe a gag is going to do much.. You see I don’t have a mouth--”

“Beep!”

“O-oh ok-kay.”

C3P0 felt his legs turn to jelly. He let him finish tying the ball gag, and then was sent sprawling face first into the mattress as R2 took his arms out from beneath him, wrenching them behind his back harshly and securing them together with handcuffs. C3P0 could say nothing but take it, as his last words left him shivering in anticipation.

R2 extended his gasoline port, a metal tube of considerable size now brushing against C3P0’s robot bussy. Oil fell out of it, lubing them both up.

“Beep boo beep beep,” R2 purred softly, then slammed his gasoline port into C3P0. C3P0 pitched forward, face shoved into the pillows, screaming in abandon as R2 immediately got to work jackhammering away into C3P0.

“Yes! Harder daddy! Fuck me hard! Make me cum!” C3P0 chanted into the pillows. He pulled his arms against the handcuffs, wanting so desperately to grasp onto the bedsheets but finding that they held fast. He could do nothing but take this merciless pounding from the astromech.

“Fuck! I’m so close!” C3P0 said, the bed squeaking as he and R2 rocked back and forth on it. R2 smacked C3P0’s ass, adding another dent to the already obliterated metal. 

C3P0 could tell R2 was close too. His rhythm began to stutter, and he could feel R2’s gasoline port throb inside of him. C3P0 closed his eyes and wailed in ecstasy as his orgasm ripped through him out of nowhere, furiously overriding his system. His eyes flickered yellow, electrical impulses popping throughout his body. C3P0 followed closely behind, spilling gasoline into C3P0’s leaking robot bussy.

“C3P0!” a voice called from outside the room. The two robots stopped, keeping still and quiet as they listened to the footsteps approach the room and then move on down the hall. “C3P0 where are you? Padme needs you at the banquet!”

“I guess that’s our cue,” C3P0 panted, allowing R2 to pull out of him and undo the cuffs and ballgag. They tore the sheets off the bed, covered in oils and gasoline, and threw it in the laundry hamper. Then they left the room like nothing had happened.

“There you are!” Anakin almost bumped into them as they rounded the corner. “Quick, Padme’s been looking for you. Where have you two been?”

R2 gave him a vague excuse, rolling ahead towards the banquet. C3P0 moved to follow after him, but Anakin stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.

“Wait a minute.. you’ve got something on your back,” Anakin told him, and wiped off some gasoline that had dripped there with his sleeve. “Oh, looks like you’re due for a new metal piece,” he noted his ass. “That’s odd.. I thought I just replaced it.”

“I do apologize, Master,” C3P0 said nervously. “Sometimes my duties get pretty.. rough... around here. I’ll make sure to be more careful.”

“That’s okay, C3P0,” Anakin nudged him toward the banquet. “Just go see what Padme needs, yeah?”

C3P0 was thankful he got away without having to give any excuses. No matter how good at communicating he was, he was terrible at lying. 

His ass throbbed pleasantly with every step he took toward Padme, and he couldn’t stop the electrical impulses from firing back up in his wires when he caught sight of R2 by the window.

Round 2 is on for tonight, he decided. And this time… he’d be doing the spanking.

[deniigi]

i have been sick in bed with a stomach bug and re-reading a bunch of your series and these questions have plagued me so pls, for the sake of your fellow samuel chung lover, if sammy was in the Selkie verse, would he be a fae? if so, what kind? ALSO, what would his interactions with jack be like (either in the selkie verse or in the lying by omission verse)? pls and thanks <3

hi!

I’ll answer asks in a bit, but for this one I have a fic that explore a What If Jack Lived/Mike existed scenario with Sam in the Inimitable verse? I know it’s now what you asked for, but it is like 4k already written so that might be smth--an LBO Sam would be tricky because Sam would be itty bitty and Matt wouldn’t have the same kind of relationship with him.

As for selkie-verse Sam? I would have to do more research on Chinese spirts/fae/folklore, but for now, he’s not fae, just human 💖He’s like 12 and can make himself invisible though, which would be very confusing for Sue if she ever bumped into him

(Sue: baby boggart??? come here I love you I will look after you.)

(Sam: please stay exactly 5037 feet away from me! Thank you and I’m calling my mom!)

Here is the What If Jack and Mike thing from the Inimitable Verse.

Jack Murdock was the size of a house. He made Matt look dainty. He made Kirsten look like a kids’ mannequin. And he made Foggy laugh until he wept.

Sam could not understand a goddamn thing he said. Nor could he understand the guy he’d brought with him, who appeared to have had some serious plastic surgery to look exactly like Matt.

Sam could take an unintelligible giant. What he couldn’t take was an unintelligible Matt, and before him, somehow, in this ring of ginger, he’d been presented with two unintellible Matts.

His head was spinning.

Kirsten patted at him sympathetically.

“I’m from New York,” Sam told her mournfully.

“I know, hon.”

“How is this even possible? You’re from New York. How are they—what are they saying?”

Kirsten shook her head.

“Only Foggy knows,” she said. “It’s okay, he’ll translate when he gets back up.”

 --

 Mr. Murdock, the tallest of the gingers, might have been a good three to four inches taller than his boys, and he might have had the biggest hands that Sam had ever had the opportunity to touch in his life, but he was really nothing but a big, shaggy sheep dog.

The reasons Sam couldn’t understand a single fucking word he said came threefold.

1) Mr. Murdock had grown up in mid-century Hell’s Kitchen. That was just how accents from those parts used to sound. They’d lightened with time.

2) He had an extra layer of what Matt called a ‘brogue.’ He was first-generation American. Both his folks had immigrated from Ireland. He talked halfway between the way they talked and the way that the kids in his neighborhood growing up had.

And 3) The man had a lisp?

It wasn’t super noticeable. Sam sure as shit couldn’t hear it among the other layers of stuff going on, but Foggy said it was there.

Apparently, it came out more when he was anxious.

Apparently, he was anxious a lot.

Foggy told Sam to just give it an hour and he’d understand.

 --

  “So your name is Sam?” Mr. Murdock asked him while Sam tried to keep his mouth from falling open.

Matt was holding his facial-copy-cat against the wall by his lapels. The copy-cat had started making kissy noises at him. He egged Matt on to punch him right in the face.  

No one was stopping them.  

Kirsten cleared her throat and brought Sam back down to earth.

“Yeah,” he said. “Sam. Mr., uh—”

“Call me Jack.”

Never.

“Matty hasn’t said much about you, sorry to say.” Mr. Murdock explained. The more he spoke directly to Sam, the more Sam found, to his relief, that he could understand him. “He don’t like sharin’ things his brother can get ahold of and take from ‘im.”

Sam looked from him to the ‘brother.’

“There’s two of them?” he asked.

Mr. Murdock hummed.

“God help us, every one,” he huffed.

You can say that again.

“How long has there been two?” Sam asked hesitantly.

“Mm? Oh, uh. Christ with the math,” Mr. Murdock said, “Michael—Michael—boy, you knock that off; that’s how you lose teeth—how old are you now?”

Nevermind. Sam didn’t need to know.

“I’m ageless, Pops, remember?” ‘Michael’ said, grinning at Matt’s sneer in his face, “Everlasting, never dying. Immortal. Timeless. I’m—” Dude got the wind knocked out his sails from Matt aiming for his solar plexus instead of his face.

“Maitiú,” Mr. Murdock said sharply. “He’s your brother.”

“He earned it,” Matt snapped back at his dad. “You said ‘no teeth,’ I ain’t even touched his goddamn teeth.”

“No, you coward, you wouldn’t, would you?” Michael threw back at Matt with no sense in his head. “You scared of gettin’ stuck on all that metal, huh?”

“I ain’t got my tetanus booster,” Matt deadpanned.

“Oh, get the yellow fever one next time, it’s a hoot—”

“I’m mailing you back to Thailand in a crate.”

“Oh mail me, why don’t you?”

“I’m gonna.”

“Boys,” Mr. Murdock said, exasperated. “Knock it off. You love each other. We get it.”

Kirsten shook with giggles.

“I’d drown you in the open ocean and then kill myself,” Matt said through gritted teeth. His nose was maybe an inch from his brother’s.

Michael just beamed.

“Aw, babe. You’d do that for me?” he gushed.

“HHhhh—”

“Maitiú.”

Sam had never heard someone said ‘Matthew’ this way. It was delightful. It made Matt’s shoulders go stiff as a board and then squirm in barely contained fury.

“Thank you,” Mr. Murdock said. “Drop ‘im.”

Matt didn’t want to, but he released his grip on his sibling. Michael slipped down and then caught himself and straightened himself out.

“Well, I’ll never,” he said. “We come all this way to visit you on your deathbed and—”

“I’m not dying,” Matt said.

“—you worry Dad sick for months on end. Don’t call. Don’t write. He thought the Californians had eaten you—"

“—I told him that it was a dislocation and I’m fine—”

“—and of course I told him, ‘no Dad, there ain’t any more cannibals in California than there are in New York’ but who listens to Mike, huh?”

Mr. Murdock had only been in the house for 15 minutes and he already looked exhausted.

“Where are the dogs?” he asked Foggy.

 ---

 This was the weirdest time-out session Sam had ever experienced and he’d decided that he was living for it. Mr. Murdock went out onto the deck and locked himself out there with the dogs. Matt and his brother had never been more guilty.

Quickly the arguing turned towards scheming, which turned towards climbing out a window, which turned towards getting stuck on the roof and pleading with the Father to lend a hand.

Mr. Murdock observed Matt sobbing with laughter over Mike’s sudden anxiety of stepping from the roof to the deck’s arm railing with only hollowness.

“Mike’s not very super,” Sam pointed out to Kirsten.

“Nope,” she said brightly. “He is refreshingly normal,” she said. “Even the conman part.”

The what?

 ---

 Matt climbed off the roof with ease and took the opportunity to finally give his old man a hug, which Mr. Murdock seemed to appreciate. He smoothed a giant mitt of a hand through Matt’s hair tenderly, like he was a baby.

It was kind of cute.

Mike scowled at them both and announced that he was pretty fine, by the way. He’d just stay there on the roof until the vultures got him.

“Matt’s the younger twin,” Foggy told Sam cheerfully. “He can do no wrong.”

Sam felt like he could suddenly see the forest for the trees.

“And Mike?” he asked.

Foggy snickered.

“He and Jack live together to keep each other in good cardiac shape,” he said. “They drive each other nuts.”

“But they still live together?” Sam clarified.

“Yeah,” Foggy said. “Mike’s what happens when you give a used-car salesman ever so slightly too much brain. He travels all over. Gets shot at and held hostage a lot. He’ll do just about anything for a couple bucks, no matter how hard Jack’s tried to get him to go straight over the years.”

“And Mr. Murdock? He doesn’t mind his son living with him?” Sam asked.

Kirsten and Foggy softened.

“Matt used to check on him more when we lived back home,” Foggy said. “Without him and Mike, Jack’s by himself. He’s got friends and work, yeah, but you know. If it weren’t for Mike, he’d come home to an empty apartment every night. Man’s got too much head trauma for that to be any kind of good. Mike looks after him—probably more than he lets anyone else. He’s too stubborn to let Matt try to help him.”

Aw, cute.

“Be prepared, Sammy,” Foggy said. “Jack’s already adopted you.”

Say what now?

 ---

 Mr. Murdock didn’t outright say that Sam was puny and he was going to fix it, but Sam could see it in his disappointed gaze.

“Don’t like bread?” he asked as Sam chewed his way through an Uncrustable at the kitchen table. Sam froze with the sandwich in hand. He stared at it.

It was bread.

Surely, this was bread.

Right?

“Uh?” he tried.

“Don’t like the crusts?” Mr. Murdock asked him more gently.

Oh.

“I don’t mind them, these are premade though. You know, convenient,” Sam explained.

He got a stare impossible to read.

“Stay there,” Mr. Murdock decided.

It took too long for Sam’s brain to work out what had just happened, and by the time it had, it was too late. Matt stuck his head in the room and asked Sam why he’d told his dad that Matt was starving him.

Sam floundered and tried to explain the sandwiches. Matt absorbed this and rolled his whole head.

“Well, now he’s makin’ a week’s worth for you,” he sighed. “Wants you to eat the crust.”

Dude.

“It’s easier not to question it,” Matt sighed. “What kind of jelly do you want?”

 ---

 Matt didn’t interrogate his father, but Mike did. Unrepentantly. He walked in as Sam was emphasizing that he didn’t want any kind of jelly and he’d make his own sandwiches and understood the entire situation faster than Sam could have possibly explained it.

“FATHER,” he roared. “Leave the boy alone, he’s not starvin’, he’s just short.”

Flattering. Thanks, asshole.

There was no response from the kitchen. Matt told Mike to ease off. Mr. Murdock was trying to be nice.

“There’s nice and then there’s rude,” Mike said.

“And you’re rude?” Matt offered.

There was a pause.

A warm hand found the space in between Sam’s shoulder blades.

“I’m sorry about both of ‘em, kid, they got rocks for brains, it ain’t their fault. Our grandfather was a caveman, you know how it is,” Mike said kindly.

Matt was not amused.

“It’s not a big deal,” he repeated. “I’ll eat ‘em if Sam doesn’t want ‘em.”

“And subject yourself to peanut butter hell for multiple days in a row, Maitiú?” Mike asked, scandalized.

Matt glared in the direction of the stairs.

“Some of us enjoy nut protein,” he said.

Sam blinked in shock as big hands slapped themselves over his ears.

“There are children present,” Mike hissed.

Sam found the guy’s middle fingers and yanked. Mike swore. Matt chuckled.

“He ain’t a baby,” he said fondly. “Sam’s a tough cookie.”

You’re damn right he was.

“Charming,” Mike grumbled as Matt abandoned them for the kitchen again. He scowled down at Sam. “What’s your gimmick then?” he asked.

Sam wondered if he could make his contacts come out by blinking slowly enough. It would be cool as fuck. It definitely wasn’t happening.

“I control typhoons,” he said.

Mike winced.

“Fuckin’ vigilantes,” he said.

 ---

 Mr. Murdock gave Sam a second sandwich. He’d cut it into quarters.

“Matt says you don’t like jelly,” he said. “Bananas are better?”

Sam couldn’t help but like him.

“Yeah. I don’t eat much bread generally,” he said. “My family has always been more about rice.”

Mr. Murdock analyzed him.

“I can do rice,” he said.

Bless. It was okay, really.

“Do you like spicy things, Mr. Murdock?” Sam asked.

“Jack.”

Nice try.

“Spicy?” Sam repeated.

Mr. Murdock considered it.

“Not sure,” he said. “You mean like hot sauce? I ain’t fuck with that ghost pepper shit.”

Sam hummed.

“Before you leave, I’ll cook for you in return,” he said. “I won’t make it too spicy, cross my heart.”

Mr. Murdock considered this and then got a look in his eye that made Sam’s cheeks start to ache a little.

 ---

 Matt told Sam to play nice. Matt told his father to play nice.

There was to be no hiding chilis in Mike’s pasta.

They were caught and scolded.

“Not to worry,” Mr. Murdock told Sam fondly, “There are other ways.”

 ---

 Sam had never seen such outrage over a knot in a shoelace. Matt crossed his arms over his chest, seconds away from tapping his own foot.

“You said you were ready,” he reminded Mike for the fourth time.

“I know what I said,” Mike snapped at him. He’d dug through all the kitchen drawers to procure a metal skewer to apply to this situation.

“We’re going to be late,” Matt said. “I wait for my guide, she doesn’t wait for me.”

“Well she’s waitin’ today,” Mike said. “I swear to god—”

Mr. Murdock stroked the top of Tuesday’s head and asked Mike if he’d tried putting baby powder on it. Mike spat at him to mind his own business and went back to the knot. He managed it get it untangled and the shoe half on just in time to find the second one stuck in the third hole down.

He just about vibrated with fury.

Matt sighed loudly.

“Borrow mine already,” he said.

“Never.”

“Mike.”

“They’re blue. This outfit tolerates only warm colors, Matthew. ONLY warms.”

“We’re late.”

“Style waits for no man.”

“Well, clearly that ain’t the case, is it?”

Mike stood up sharply.

“I’m going to change,” he said. “And whatever elf tied these will rue the day. Mark my words.”

“Yeah, okay, I’ll tell the elf—oh, my bad, the clown, Mike. It’s you. Get your life together. We’re late.”

Hilarious.

 ---

  “Why don’t you move out here?” Sam asked Mr. Murdock as he watched Sam sand away at his latest secret project in Matt’s absence.

“Sun’ll kill me,” Mr. Murdock deadpanned.

“I thought so too, but it’s not so bad,” Sam said. “I miss the snow sometimes.”

Mr. Murdock cocked his head and then knelt down to take the sanding block out of Sam’s hands. He gestured for Sam to give him the hunk of wood in his hands, too.

“Matty says you don’t got papers,” he said.

Sam was surprised. Matt usually kept that secret locked tight. But Mr. Murdock didn’t seem to have any adverse reaction to it.

“No,” Sam admitted. “My mom brought me here when I was really little. I didn’t know what it meant to overstay a visa.”

Mr. Murdock hummed.

“Makes flying tricky,” he said.

Yeah.

“Bus, not too bad, though?”

Mm. Bus was better, yes.

“Train?”

Depended on the train.

“Hm. Well, if you get homesick or need busfare, you just give a shout, ya hear? You’re always welcome to stay with us.”

Aww.

“Or if you really hate yourself, I’m sure Mike would love to come pick you up.”

Oh god.

“He can drive?” Sam asked.

Mr. Murdock paused and held his face in his dusty palm.

“The day he got his license was the worst day of my life,” he said.

Sam snickered.

“Did you guys drive all the way here?” he asked.

“No, thank god.”

“Can you drive?”

“Son.”

Sam looked up from the block of wood into Mr. Murdock’s hazel eyes.

“I take two steps out of New York and I’m gone, that’s me dead. No, I don’t drive. Why the hell would I drive? Where the hell am I goin’?”

Wow, mood.

“I tried to drive once,” Sam said. “Reversed into a fire hydrant. Matt laughed so hard he cried.”

Mr. Murdock handed back the woodblock. It was much smoother than it had been. Sam was chocking that up to the muscles and the practice.

 ---

 Matt and Mike got home and Mike announced that he was disowning that ‘putrid being’ that was the Swamp Monster beside him. Matt told Mr. Murdock that Mike didn’t approve of the swimming part of triathlon.

Mr. Murdock picked leaves out of his hair with supreme patience.

 ---

 “So Dad’s officially decided that you’re his grandson,” Mike informed Sam out of nowhere that Sunday. “He prayed for you at church today.”

Sam almost dropped his wrench. That was so endearing his teeth hurt.

“It’s ‘cause I do woodwork,” he said. “He can smell the handyman on me.”

Mike cocked his head to the side. His eyes were blue like Matt’s. Their mom must have had blue eyes—or maybe hazel like Mr. Murdock’s.

“No,” Mike said. “It’s ‘cause he’s also been a grocery bagger, a janitor, and a contractor.”

He what now?

“He wants to know why you aren’t in college.”

Oh. well—

“Matt tried to explain, but you know, it ain’t clickin’. He don’t get the politics part of things sometimes. Gets confused why people make such a big deal when there’s obvious solutions in front of ‘em. It’s not all his fault, he barely got a highschool diploma back when ‘critical thinking’ wasn’t even a testing category. Anyways, he wants you to go to college. Thinks you’re too smart to be pushin’ paper.”

Sam was going to cry.

“I think he sees a lot of Matt in you,” Mike said with a squint. “So just as a warning, he’s unbearable. Always—well, no. More like 95% of the year. He’s alright around New Years when he’s tired. You can tell him to fuck off at any time, though.”

No, no. It was okay. It was nice to have…more family. That’s what it was.

“I hope you know what this means, Samuel,” Mike said.

Mmm no?

Mike’s hand clasped his shoulder.

“You can call me ‘uncle,’” he said.

Ah.

No, thanks.

 ---

 Foggy and Kirsten couldn’t look at Sam without bursting into merciless laughter, which Sam had realized was a result of Mike’s vocal distress at his rejected offer of uncle-dom. Sam didn’t know what to tell him.

Mr. Murdock was nice. Enormous, yes, but very well meaning and gentle. His and Sam’s priorities and experience in life aligned neatly and Sam was slightly charmed by the way that he expressed himself verbally only to Matt and Mike.

Sam also didn’t hate Mike. He just didn’t want him to have uncle privileges. He didn’t see what was difficult about this.

“Mike’s got a history of rejection,” Foggy said. “And by that, I mean that every woman on the eastern seaboard has rejected him and he tries anyways.”

 ---

 Matt came downstairs and told Sam to ignore everything Mike said to him all day. He also said that they were going out that night, so don’t burn fingers on the soldering iron.

Sam saluted in acknowledgement.

Forty minutes later there was a rap at his door followed by Mike saying through it that he wanted to show Sam something.

Sam did not open the door.

He heard Matt’s name being cursed on the other side.

 ---

 Twenty minutes later there was another knock, this time with Mike saying that Mr. Murdock wanted to bond with Sam.

Sam nudged open his curtains and squinted hard into the backyard where he could see the vague shape of Matt chatting to his dad on the deck stairs, both apparently having a beer and shooting the shit.

This was a scam.

Sam would not be scammed.

He went back to the suit.

There was more cursing outside the door.

 ---

 About half an hour later, there was a knock, followed by Mr. Murdock’s voice this time, asking Sam if his shoes were supposed to be on the front porch.

They were not.

This was playing dirty.

Sam ventured out to go right this wrong and ended up outside on the front porch with the conman himself. Mike closed the door after him triumphantly and proceeded to get them both locked out.

“Are you supposed to be a good conman or?” Sam asked.

Mike gaped at him.

“The best conman,” he said. “Don’t worry, kid, I’ve broken into a thousand houses and won two horses. I’ve got this.”

That was not comforting. Sam was not comforted.

“First, we gotta test all the windows, and, failing that, we get a rock or a gun,” Mike told him with a knowing finger.

Sam blinked at it and then up at Mike. The man’s shoulders twitched.

“Uh?” Mike said.

Ah. The eyes. No contacts today.

“Do you like them? They’re Prada,” Sam said to absolute silence.

“A brick,” Mike announced abruptly. “A brick works too. Like a rock but bigger.”

Okay, so they weren’t talking about it, gotcha. Look, a whole family’s worth of repression styles. Sam was glad that they had a full set of methods.

 ---

 Sam broke into his own bedroom through the window. Mike clapped for him outside. Sam opted to leave him there.

 ---

 He was sort of sad to see the Murdocks go, especially after seeing the effect that the most senior of them had on Matt.

Sam hadn’t seen him this chilled out. He visibly relaxed under his dad’s hand on the back of his neck. He tolerated the fussing and constant hair fixing and the fingers brushing at his cheeks and elbows. Mr. Murdock guided him with the same practiced ease that Foggy and Kirsten did, but his guiding was accompanied by a quiet, ongoing commentary about the street around them, which Sam hadn’t actually heard Foggy do in the same kind of way.

It was like Mr. Murdock was telling Matt a story everywhere they went.

He told him when there were flags hanging up a story above, waving in the wind. He told him about the hanging wire baskets of flowers that Sam forgot about. He huffed a bit while he talked about lines of traffic in the street and a vast lack of color in the group due to the absence of so many yellow cabs.

Mr. Murdock of course, had been Matt’s first ever guide. It only made sense that he had a specialized style of it, just for Matt.

And for Matt’s sake, Sam didn’t want him to go, but alas, New Yorkers, man. The city called them back to the coast like a siren.

“You take it easy, y’hear, kiddo?” Mr. Murdock told him at the airport.

Sam smiled and said that he’d try.

“Take care of yourself. I mean that. Out at night too.”

Copy that, big guy.

“Give us a hug.”

Oh??? A hug??? Sam loved hugs. Hugs were great. He was—er. Leaving this one with double the ribs from the cracks apparently.

Mr. Murdock released him to go break Matt in half and then Foggy and then Kirsten. Mike told him that he couldn’t avoid flying again by hugging people. He also warned Kirsten that he’d see her soon and that then, she was sure to fall for his charms.

Kirsten said that she would be waiting with bated breath, and then that was it. Three Murdocks again whittled down to one.

“God, I should have married your dad,” Foggy moaned.

Matt laughed at him.

“He’s plenty busy avoiding the gaze of every person over sixty in his building. Let him live,”  he said. “Sam? Not too traumatized, I hope?”

Mm. Not so bad.

“Are you sure Mike’s your brother?” he asked.

“Unfortunately.”

Too bad.

“It’s fine, if we ever need a guy to distract the police, we’ve got him on retainer.”

That was true.

“They’ll come back?” Sam asked.

Matt paused before feeling for his shoulder.

“Yeah,” he said. “Or we’ll go to them. I think you’d enjoy watching them in their natural environment.”

 -----------

Hope that’s something for you anon!! I also hope you feel better!

[everyonesannoyedwithme]

how you get the girl

CLEARLY i am on a taylor kick rn, i listened to this song last night and couldn’t get this idea out of my head, so here you go!

summary: luke screws up and goes to the wise words of taylor swift for advice.

warnings: cursing

word count: 1406

“I can’t believe you right now.” Julie was mad.

“Believe it!” So was Luke.

“How can you say something like that?” Julie said, her voice thick.

“Because it’s true! It’s not my fault you’re refusing to believe the truth right now.”

“It’s not! It’s not the truth, and even if it was, you don’t get to decide that considering you’ve never even listened to Taylor Swift’s music!”

“I don’t have to listen to it to know it’s bad! I heard Shake It Off and I didn’t need to listen to the rest of it!”

Reggie and Alex had left the room over twenty minutes ago, when the argument had started. They knew better than to stick around when Luke started arguing about music.

“Taylor Swift’s music was crazy important to my childhood! If Dad hadn’t bought me her Speak Now album when I was six, I would have never fallen in love with music! Mom was ready to give up on teaching me piano when I got that album!” Julie yelled. She was on the verge of tears, her eyes burning as she tried to stay somewhat composed and hold them back.

“And Nirvana was important to me! Do you think I would have picked up a guitar without them?” Luke said, gesturing wildly as his emotions grew.

“And that’s great Luke, but I don’t care! I’m not the one saying their music is bad here!” Julie cried out, throwing her hands up. “But you’re not listening to me! I’m telling you that I love Taylor Swift’s music and that it’s important to me and that, objectively, it’s good music! But you are refusing to listen to me! Get off your high horse for five goddamn minutes, Luke! You are not the only person with good taste!” 

And then she stormed out of the studio, leaving Luke alone, Julie’s words ringing in his ears. He knew he had fucked up, it was pretty obvious, but he still didn’t understand how it had escalated to that point. He had been coming back into the studio after hanging out with Reggie, Alex, and Willie on the pier, and the four boys had found Julie dancing around the studio with Flynn, Shake It Off blasting through the stereo. 

Julie and Flynn were scream-singing along to the annoying pop song, decked out in the fanciest dresses Luke had ever seen Julie in. It looked like something a movie star would wear, and it totally took his breath away - in that way only Julie could. When the song had ended and Julie finally noticed the boys standing there, Willie had already left, and Julie had screamed, not expecting to see Luke, Alex, and Reggie there.

“Julie! Julie, stop screaming, for God’s sake, stop!” Flynn had yelled. “What happened?”

Julie took a deep breath, her hand clasped over her heart as if to make it stop beating. “Sorry, Flynn. The boys scared me!” 

“They’re here?” Flynn asked, looking around for any sign of the ghosts.

“Yeah. They’re standing right in front of me. Luke is on the left, Alex is in the middle, and Reggie is on the right.” Julie pointed to each boy in turn.

“Hey guys! What do you think of our dresses? They’re for Junior Prom!” Flynn said, their excitement palpable.

“Looks great!” Reggie said with a thumbs up.

“Yeah, you guys look really good.” Alex agreed. “But, uh, what was that song that was playing?”

“They say we look good.” Julie told Flynn. Flynn smiled at where she assumed the boys were, slightly to the left of where they actually were. “And the song is Shake It Off by Taylor Swift.”

“Oh, yeah, Willie mentioned her. It was a good song.” Alex said, nodding. 

“Yeah, it’s definitely your kind of music, Alex. I love Taylor’s music. She has a song for every occasion.” Julie gushed.

Luke watched this interaction with growing indignation. Julie liked that crap? Genuinely? He couldn’t understand why; it sounded so generic. Nothing like what people used to listen to, and definitely not what he was expecting from Julie of all people.

“What, you listen to that stuff when you’re angry? Sad?” He blurted out.

“Yes? Sometimes? It’s a mood booster. And she has other music. It doesn’t all sound like that.” Julie said, her eyebrows raised slightly at Luke’s words.

“If it sounds even close to that I can’t understand how you could like it.” Luke said firmly.

“I like it because it’s good. Her lyrics are basically gospel at this point.” Julie replied, growing obviously angry. Alex, sensing a coming argument, smiled quickly and apologetically at Julie, grabbed Reggie’s wrist, and poofed out of the studio.

Luke scoffed. “That is not good. Nirvana is good. Rush is good, the Beatles are good. That was pop garbage.”

Flynn was watching the exchange with confusion before they pulled out her phone and glanced at the time. 

“Oh, shit, Jules! I gotta go, the twins’ game starts in ten minutes!” Flynn said, talking about their twin brothers. “Okay. You can leave the dress here again if you want.” Julie offered, giving Flynn a quick hug.

“Yeah, I will. See you later! Bye guys!” Flynn called before leaving the studio. As soon as her friend was gone, Julie wheeled on Luke.

“I can’t believe you right now.”

Which brought them to now. Now, when Julie was mad at Luke for insulting one of her favorite musicians. Okay, maybe he could understand how they got to that point. Now that he was no longer in the heat of the moment, Luke could maybe see how calling music Julie liked “pop garbage” could make her mad. But how to apologize?

“Her lyrics are basically gospel at this point.” Julie had said. Maybe he could turn to some of her music for advice? It was a long shot, but maybe it would show Julie that he really was sorry.

Luke walked over to the stereo where the CD case for the album Julie was just playing was. The cover looked like a polaroid picture of a blonde woman with red lipstick, wearing a shirt with birds on it. On the bottom, it said T.S. 1989. Luke turned over the case to find the song list on the back.

Welcome To New York

Blank Space

Style

Out Of The Woods

All You Had To Do Was Stay

Shake It Off

I Wish You Would

Bad Blood

Wildest Dreams

How You Get The Girl

Luke stopped. How You Get The Girl, huh? That could be exactly what he needed. He pressed play on the stereo, skipping the next three songs after Shake It Off to get to How You Get The Girl and maybe find some ideas on how to win his girl back.

“You stand there like a ghost, shaking from the rain…” The song started, and Luke sat down on the couch and waited for inspiration to strike.

Ten minutes later, Luke had a plan.

Julie was in her room, nursing her pride after Luke had trampled all over it with his words about Taylor Swift’s music. Julie knew she was right, she knew the music was good and her opinion was valid, but she felt kind of bad at how she had yelled at Luke. She was about to get up and try to talk it out with him, when someone knocked on her door. When she opened it, Julie was shocked to see Luke standing there, fidgeting as he waited. She opened the door wider, wordlessly letting him in before going back to sit on her bed.

“I’m sorry.” the words seemed to tumble from his mouth.

“Oh?” Julie said, her mouth quirking up slightly at his apologetic expression.

“I’m sorry I said that about the music you like. I’m sorry I said it was bad.” Julie opened her mouth to say it was okay, that she forgave him, when he kept going. “I listened to more of her music. Specifically, How You Get The Girl.” Luke summoned his acoustic guitar and cleared his throat. 

“I want you for worse or for better,” he started singing. Julie’s eyes widened, understanding filling them. “I would wait for ever and ever. Broke your heart, I’ll put it back together, I would wait for ever and ever.”

Before he could keep going, Julie spoke. “I forgive you. Thank you.” And when she leaned in and kissed Luke, he knew he got the girl.

[howrry]

when you need me pt.2

a/n: its 4 am, i just got back from a SUPER lit house party, i'm lowkey dying, here’s part 2 of wynm. part 1 here. don't think i can write anymore of this because it just makes me hate y/n more. also this is my 10th piece yaaay! enjoy <3

w/c: 3.4k

warnings: smuuut, mild dub con

***

Lit homework had to be one of the biggest wastes of time Harry’s ever partaken in.

He’s a psychology major, for crying out loud! Why does blocking and typecasting and the use of the Stanislavsky system matter to him? It doesn’t! But his uni required him to take the class, and if nothing else, he could appreciate it for being a GPA booster.

The only sound in his dorm was the squeaking of his mechanical pencil on the homework and his roommate Ashton’s music softly beating out of his Alexa. He was playing some soft XXXtentacion, which repulsed Harry. Just because his songs were good doesn’t mean it excused the rapper’s behavior—but he digressed.

God, Harry and Ashton were so different, it’s insane how his school’s roommate matching algorithm put them together. At this point, he wonders if he’s even enrolled in the university—he’s never seen him study or go to a class. It’s not like Harry’s a purist or anything; he loves a party and a good beer like any other college student, but Ashton was just buck wild. He even tried to hit on Gemma when she visited for a weekend, but that was shut down when H threatened to castrate him.

"I'm going out," Ashton announced on his way to the door, checking in the hall mirror to see if his hair was up to snuff and fluffing out the collar of his coat.

Shocker. This didn’t even warrant a glance up from the homework. "Where?" Harry didn't really care, but it wouldn't hurt to pretend he did.

"Y'know Meghan from Kappa?" Ashton asked, twirling his keyring around his fingers.

"Yeah?"

"I'll be at her place," he explained simply.

This got Harry’s attention. "But isn't she dating that rugby player? Matthew, or whatever?"

Ashton laughed and clicked his tongue. "So naive! Cheat or be cheated on, Styles. What's that phrase about not hating the player?" He shot finger guns at his roommate and bounced, slamming the door behind him without turning off the music.

Gross.

“Alexa, turn that shit off,” H mumbled, and the robot obeyed, not bothered by the profanity.

So that's how Harry ended up in his dorm alone for the night. Once he was finished up with his lit homework, the raw boredom really kicked in. He supposed he could go out, but he wasn't really the solo type and finding someone to go with him was more trouble than it was worth. At one point he even eyed the Tijuana cigar box Ashton kept under its bed, thinking that he could probably raid its contents for a night and Ash wouldn't notice, but the risk of an RA busting him wasn't super appealing.

He accepted defeat, and decided to simply call it an early night. He changed into flannel pants to sleep in and was brushing his teeth when his phone started buzzing. It was Y/N.

Questions started flying through his brain. Why was she calling him? And at this hour? His anxious side flared up as a million nightmare scenarios flooded his thoughts. Once he’d rinsed the toothpaste out of his mouth, Harry scrambled to swipe his finger across the screen and brought the phone to his ear.

"Y/N?" he tried to hide the urgency in his voice.

"Harry!" she blurted.

"Is everything alright?" he asked, not waiting for her to explain herself.

"Fuck, Harry I'm sorry," she started, "this is so weird to ask of you but I need your help."

A pit formed in his stomach. "What's wrong?"

"I'm in your city right now and my car broke down. Triple A is on their way and they're gonna fix it up tomorrow, but I totally don't have a place to stay. Can I crash at your place?"

Relief washed over him. Yeah, this wasn't exactly an ideal situation for her, but it was better than the kidnapping and murder scenarios he'd already painted in his head. "Of course. Y'know how to get to campus?"

"I've got a phone, don't I?"

Harry's eyebrow shot up involuntarily. Okay, bold. "Settle down, pet. I live in Taylor Hall, room 208."

"Taylor, 208," Y/N echoed. "Thank you so much, H. You're a lifesaver. I'll be there in 15 or so." She hung up without waiting for his goodbye, and Harry was left in his now-uncomfortably quiet room.

He scrambled around the dorm trying to hide any evidence that two boys lived there. Ashton was a bit of a disaster, but fortunately had an aversion to mold and other gross things so it was more about tidyingthe room than it was cleaning. Harry shoved dirty laundry into Ashton's closet and struggled to close the door on it before making both of their beds. He figured he could muss up the sheets after she left in the morning to avoid any taunting from his roommate. He practically broke a sweat struggling to make the room presentable, and managed to finish just in time before two solid knocks landed on his door.

"Harry! Long time no see!" She wasted no time stepping up and throwing her arms around his neck. He was taken aback by her affection, and paused for a minute before snaking his hands around her waist. "You sure look a lot better than the last time I saw you," she cheekily noted once she pulled back.

"Probably because m’not runnin’ around getting my arse kicked anymore," he bantered nervously. She looked great as well. Her face was a bit pink from the weather, and she seemed so much older despite it only being a year since he'd last seen her. Her black trench coat cinched gracefully at her waist and her jeans were tucked into also-black heeled boots. In all the years he'd known her, he couldn't think of one time she wore heels before now. What's changed?

Fortunately, she laughed at his awkwardness. (Since when did he feel so apprehensive around her?) "That's probably it." Y/N shrugged off her coat and hung it on one of the hooks by the door, leaving her in a plain red t-shirt. She fluffed her hair out and turned to him. "I thought ahead and grabbed some pajama shorts out of my car before the insurance people took it to the mechanic. Now I don't have to sleep in jeans." Sure enough, she pulled thin pair of shorts out of one of the coat pockets.

"Yeh just keep pajama shorts in your car?" he asked dubiously, sitting on his desk chair and rubbing his cold hands on his thighs.

"Yes! I keep plenty of spare clothes in my car for a situation just like this one!" she defended. "I'm gonna change real quick." She dipped into the bathroom and emerged shortly after wearing the shorts. Judging by the ball of clothing she haphazardly tossed in the corner, she'd taken off her bra, too.

Harry eyed her from his spot at the desk as she comfortably moved around the room, like she’d been there a hundred times. "Why are you here?" he asked suddenly, making her jump a little.

Her arms lifted to tie her hair up. "Have you already forgotten? You're a real nut, H. Car troubles? Ringing any bells?"

"No, no," he rubbed a hand down his face. "Why are yeh not at your own uni? Why are yeh in my city?"

"Oh." She hesitated before answering, climbing into his bed. "I'll be honest, it was a booty call. I called the other guy first when my car started acting up, but another girl answered. Figured he must have accidentally overbooked his evening and I remembered you go here, so here I am." Y/N sat cross legged and rested her chin in her palm, dazedly staring at Harry.

"Oh, wow. Sorry to hear that," he awkwardly mumbled.

She snorted. "I'll be okay. S'not like I had feelings for him."

This made something twist in Harry's stomach for some reason. Quiet, sweet Y/N that he'd known for years was just looking to get fucked and didn't care about feelings. This was a totally different person from the girl he grew up next door to. Who was she?!

"Either way, I really owe you one. I'll buy you a meal in the morning, but for right now, I'm exhausted." Y/N stood up and stretched an arm over her head. "Do you want me to take that bed?" She pointed towards Ashton's only recently made bed.

"No!" Harry barked suddenly and her eyes widened. "God only knows what's livin' in those sheets. I worry about what m’roommate does there when I'm not layin' in the same room next t'him."

"Gross," she responded around a laugh.

"My thoughts exactly. You can have my bed, and I'll just sleep on the floor," he decided, going to look for another blanket to lay on the ground.

Y/N scoffed. "You'd rather sleep on the ground than get in your roommate's bed?" Harry simply raised an eyebrow at her as an answer. "Again, gross. I wouldn't feel right kicking you to the floor. Are you trying to avoid sleeping with me?"

The wording threw Harry off, and he unfortunately stammered over his response. “I—no! I just—”

“Then we can share a bed.” She was matter-of-fact and didn't seem like she'd take no for an answer. It's not like he would've declined anyways, but she didn't even give him a chance before making herself right at home in his bed and patting the space next to her for him to join. He chortled and shut off the lamp, making his way in between his sheets by the light of the moon.

"Oh, and I'm a bit of a cuddler. Warning you now," she whispered with a wink before nuzzling into the pillow and falling fast asleep.

He couldn't complain.

***

Harry woke up in the middle of the night from the discomfort of not being alone.

It wasn't that Y/N was a bad person to sleep with, of course. He just was used to having the whole bed to himself and having a second human in his space made it hard to totally expand and take over the whole surface. Once he remembered specifically whowas with him, though, he didn't feel as bothered about not being asleep.

Y/N was tucked up closely to him, clearly having no problem making herself comfortable. He laid on his back, and she was on her stomach halfway on top of him. Her cheek was comfortably nestled on his chest, and her hand softly rested a few inches from her face. One of her legs was thrown over his own, and her mouth was popped open just a bit, breath fanning across his body. The two were laid up like they’d done it a million times. He smiled a little at how cute she was when she was sleeping; he couldn't help but gently rub a hand up and down her back. He was so cozy, he probably could've slipped right back into his doze if it weren't for her starting to talk.

Yes. Sleep talk.

"Harry," she drawled, almost whispering the name.

In his sleepy state it took a few seconds to make the connection that she was actuallydreamingabout Harry. In her defense, she was in his bed and called him for help after a mildly stressful situation, so it wasn’t totally weird that he’d be paying her a visit in her REM cycle. Regardless, a strange feeling swirled in his stomach at the mere thought of what was happening.

His ears were pricked up on full alert and his eyes snapped open to stare at the ceiling fan. He was too afraid to reply, and thus waited for her to say something else before he even dared breathing. "Let's... go," she finally finished.

He chuckled, chest rising a bit but not letting his gaze move from the fan. "Go where?" he whispered, humoring her sleep talk.

"I... I don't know. Wanna..." followed by a deep exhale.

Harry found this quite endearing. He allowed her to continue softly babbling little snippets of sentences, trying and failing to piece them together into coherent thoughts. Again, he almost let himself drift off again until one of her words had much more conviction than before.

"Please."

He could feel her lips ghosting across his body where her head lay. This felt different than her previous mumbling-- she knew what she was trying to say in her dream.

"Yes, Y/N?" Harry got out softly, eyes fixed steadily on the ceiling.

"I need--" She's still not super great at finishing her sentences while sleeping, apparently. "Harry, please."

Then talking just wasn't enough for her- she started to move. First her fingers dug into his chest a bit, nails intending to grip him but not quite enough to be felt through the cotton of his shirt. Then her lower body shifted where the apex of her legs was pressed against his hip, moving up and down ever so slightly without ever losing contact. Her breathing became heavier until it turned into an unabashed, shameless moan. A moan!

That's when it clicked. She was grinding on him, and the spot where the two of them were connected sent sparks through his entire body. "I-- Y/N, are you having a dirty dream about me?" he asked dumbfounded, even though he already knew the answer.

She let out a whine at the sound of his voice. "I need you," she said, dragging her nails down into his skin even harder than before. Her pathetic hip movements sped up as well. "Please touch me."

What the fuck? Is… Does… Would this even be ethical? She’s asleep! Can she even give consent? Does it matter if she’d already started grinding on him? Was this something she really wanted or was it just a snippet of her dream making its way into reality?

"I-I can't," he confessed. What the hell was he supposed to do? Not only did their relationship go too far back for this to not be weird, but his mum once told him something about not waking someone while they sleep walk or talk or it might give them sleep paralysis. He chose to stay stone fucking still, simply lying there and watching one of his childhood friends using his hip to make herself cum.

It was sloppy and desperate, her hips rocking against him. She stopped scratching to brush her hands against the swell of his chest muscles, separated only by the thin t-shirt. "P-pull my hair," she begged.

And he was fucking torn. Of coursehe wanted to give into her request, but what if he woke her up? How could he explain what he was doing, or the hard-on he was sporting? His lip was trapped between his teeth, gnawing away as he thought it over.

Screw it-- he could pretend to be asleep if she stirred. Harry creeped his hand up and threaded his hand into her hair, tugging at the roots and almost lifting her head. "Like that, baby?" he cooed. A porn star moan slipped from her lips and her movements faltered for a second. He feared he'd pulled too hard and stayed completely still, leaving his fingers bunched up until she slowly got back into the swing of her pitiful thrusts.

"Fuck… me harder," she whimpered, and Harry thought he was going to fucking die.

Honestly, he was a little pissed. Where the hell did she get off thinking she could kick him out of her home after kissing her, only to show up at his doorstep a year later and dry fuck his leg in her sleep? The audacity!

His thoughts were interrupted by her choking out a "g'na cum," and he pulled at her hair again. Oh right, this is where she got off.

"Yeah pet? G'na make a mess for me?" he spurred on. He knew he shouldn’t be doing this, and he’d probably feel like garbage about it in the morning, but that sounded like a problem for morning Harry. He had to see what she looked like when she finally got her release.

She lost her smooth rhythm again and was now scrambling to hit her high—all he could do was watch. When she finally did cum, it was mesmerizing. She cried out his name before cutting herself off and freezing for a moment. Once the peak hit, her legs trembled as she continued dry humping him until she'd fully ridden out everything.

It was, without a doubt, one of the hottest fucking things Harry had ever seen. Her nails dug into him once more as she let her heart rate settle down. Eventually, she sighed and nuzzled her cheek into his body.

As if all of that wasn't torturous enough, she had to top that entire performance by mumbling out a soft, "Thank you... daddy," and Harry almost let out a fucking groan. Her breathing soon evened out as she drifted back into a dreamless sleep, and he guessed there wouldn't be any more speaking for the night.

So much for falling back asleep.

***

The next morning, Harry was perfectly content with pretending that the events from previous night had never happened.

By the time he’d woken up, Y/N had retreated to her side (well, not really her side—it was a twin sized bed, so more like her “corner”) and was facing the wall. She wasn’t asleep for much longer than that, as she soon stirred and moved to climb over Harry.

When she was fully straddling him, he froze and made awkward eye contact with her. “Settle down, tiger, I’m just getting up.” He almost laughed at the irony. If only she had any idea what she put him through the night before.

Y/N changed back into her jeans in the bathroom and swished some of Ashton’s mouthwash. Harry watched her fluff her hair in the mirror with his arm tucked behind his head.

“I want pancakes, thoughts?” she suggested, coming back in the room and plopping down on his desk chair.

Oh right. She’d offered to buy him breakfast last night. Harry wasn’t sure he could be around her any longer without things become suffocatingly awkward. “Oh, yeh don’t have to do tha’ for me,” he countered, shaking his head and getting out of bed.

She watched him scramble about the room, focusing on everything except her. Her eyebrows shot up when he shamelessly dropped his flannel pants to the ground and shoved on some dark jeans from his drawers. He couldn’t care less, though; the events from the night before had erased any modesty he may have felt in her presence. “Really? You’re gonna give up free breakfast just to kick me out?”

“I’m not kicking you out!” he protested, though she had no room to talk. Their last encounter ended with her literally slamming a door in his face. Before he could even argue with her, he was interrupted by keys in the lock. Fuck.

Ashton sauntered in with the confidence of a king, hair mussed and shirt obviously on backwards. “Hello, London, how are we doing this fine mor—” he stopped his weird greeting (a la Harry’s accent) when he realized his room had more occupants than just his roommate.

Harry wanted to crawl into a hole and die. Ash’s eyes drifted from Y/N in the chair, to Harry untimely zipping up his pants, to his own made-up bed, and everything clicked in his mind. The pieces didn’t go together but they made a puzzle nonetheless. A slow smile curled up on his face as he made a beeline for her and stuck out his hand. “Well hello, I’m Ashton, Harry’s roommate.”

“Y/N, charmed,” she deadpanned, extending out her own hand and grinning at Harry when Ashton kissed it. “I’ve heard plenty about you.”

“All bad, I hope,” he returned, making Harry snort.

Y/N stood up and retrieved her coat from the hooks near the door. She shrugged it on and tossed the hair that got stuck under the collar. “I’ll catch up with you later, H. It was nice meeting you, Ash.” She politely nodded to the boys and was out before Ashton could say a “likewise”.

The second the door slammed, the onslaught started. “I didn’t think you had it in you, Styles. I was almost starting to think you were a eunuch or something, but apparently not! She’s cute too, is she blind? Or did you pay her to come here?” Ashton poked and prodded at H as he undressed and went to take a shower.

Harry’s phone buzzed, and the text he received made his roommate’s taunts sound like rushing water in his ears. It was from Y/N.

Next time, don’t pull so hard.

[atamascolily]

The cover of Junior Jedi Knights #5: Vader's Fortress by Rebecca Moesta features Anakin and Artoo dodging blaster fire while Tahiri does a bad-ass leap and Darth Vader looms in the background. So I guess this next field trip is to wherever the hell Vader's fortress is located... and given that this book was published in 1997, I'm pretty sure it isn't Mustafar.

Readers, I squealed with delight when I realized they were actually going to Bast Castle on Vjun.

[cut for length and discussion of Dark Empire]

Vjun's first appearance was in Dark Empire, but it's the main setting for Sean Stewart's Clone War-era novel Yoda: Dark Rendezvous (2004), which happens to be one of the best Legends books ever. Period. Drop everything and go read it now. Stewart's Vjun is a Dark side Gothic horror wonderland full of crumbling castles, crazed nobility, and flesh-eating moss. I love it, and you will, too.

Vjun also appears in various video games, with no less than Kyle Katarn describing it as "a big, dead, important rock". High praise, indeed.

Oh, and if you're curious, Wookiepeedia says Vjun is "pronounced as "VAH-JUHN" in Star Wars: Jedi Knight: Jedi Academy, but in Star Wars Battlefront: Elite Squadron, it is pronounced as "VUHN"".... so anything goes, really.

Anyway, so having dealt with his heritage by going to Dagobah in the last book, the logical next step is for Anakin to actually go and visit Vader's castle in person. You know, exposure therapy. Right?

Okay, let's see what the text says.

Anakin, Tahiri and Uldir are hanging out on the landing pad on Yavin IV waiting for Tionne to show up. Tahiri loves Tionne so much, she doesn't mind waiting around, and she wishes she could have gone with Tionne on this latest trip to Borgo Prime and I just... I love their relationship, okay?

Tionne has a new ship - the Lore Seeker! Anakin uses the Force to determine it's in great shape despite its odd appearance. (It has sails to harness solar wind, lol!)

“I’m glad to hear you say that,” the Jedi instructor said with a smile. “I thought so, too. But because the ship was so old, I was able to buy it from a Randoni trader for a song.”

“How much did you really pay?” Uldir asked.

Tionne shrugged.

“Just a song. Really. While I was looking for Jedi legends, I came across an ancient song that told about the very firstRan - doni merchants and the vaults where they hid their wealth. The trader was so interested that she offered me the Lore Seeker in exchange for the song. Now come help me unload my cargo, and I’ll show you some of my other treasures.”

DID I MENTION I LOVE HER???

Also, Tionne got some other stuff, too:

“You may carry this Twi’lek story-chain, Tahiri-each link tells a different part of a story. Please be very careful with it. Uldir, here is a holodisk. It holds a recording of some very old Jedi songs. Anakin, would you please carry this scroll? I’ll take the tapestry.”’

AHHHHHH, I LOVE THIS.

But Tionne found out something else important "in an old fortress on a planet called Vjun" and this is where I started SCREAMING because I know exactly where this is going and this is such a great set-up - especially since none of the kids have a clue.

Of course, they want to go, and Tionne's trying to be diplomatic about it.

“Does anyone live in the fortress?” Anakin asked.

Tionne shook her head.

“Not anymore.”

“Well, if it’s really that important, don’t you think you ought to go find it?” Tahiri said. “And don’t forget that you promised to take me with you this time.”

“I’d like to go along, too,” Anakin added.

“Yeah, it sounds like fun,” Uldir said.

Tionne frowned.

“I’m not sure Master Skywalker will approve. It could be a bit dangerous."

LOLOLOLOL, since when has that ever stopped anybody in this series?? But according to Tionne, the danger isn't Sith ghosts or anything like that - it's other people trying to snag a certain treasure first.

And what is this special object? the kids want to know.

Tionne’s face lit with a wondering smile, and she gave a happy sigh.

“It’s Obi-Wan Kenobi’s lightsaber!”

ITS A MACGUFFIN! Also, given all of Vader’s issues with Obi-wan, the fact that he kept his old master’s lightsaber in his hidden Gothic Drama Castle is... something. But I digress.

Cut to Luke, being Luke.

Luke Skywalker, dressed in a comfortable black flightsuit, sat on the stone floor in the room where he meditated and did his office work. At the moment, though, Luke was not meditating. Before him in the center of the room stood his barrel-shaped blue and white droid, ArtooDetoo. It was time for Artoo’s routine cleaning. Anakin’s older sister Jaina often helped Luke with this chore, but the Jedi Master didn’t mind doing it himself. He actually found it relaxing. With his tools neatly laid out on the floor and fresh packets of lubricant beside him, Master Skywalker opened ArtooDetoo’s front panels and got to work.

After checking the droid’s numerous electrical connections, Luke added a few gadgets and upgrades Jaina had scrounged up for Artoo: a retractable mirror attachment, a power booster for the comm unit, and a new focusing lens for the hologram projector.

I'm sure NONE of these upgrades will come in handy later on in the book. Nope. Nope. Nope. Move along, nothing to see here, just a boy and his bro-bot.

Ikrit is hanging out on top of Artoo's head during all of this, when there's a knock at the door. Luke asks him to open the door and Ikrit DOES and I don't know why I find this so adorable, but I totally do. More of this, please.

Luke looked up from the packet of slippery lubricant he held in his hand, then smiled when he saw who his visitors were.

“Come in,” he said, “all of you.”

His words seemed to open an invisible dam, because people and noises instantly flooded into his quiet room. Luke laughed as everyone tried to talk to him at once.

“Master Skywalker, I have wonderful news,” Tionne said. “You’ll never guess in a million years,” Tahiri added.

“Can I go with them?” Anakin asked.

“Yeah, me too!” Uldir said.

News of Obi-wan's lightsaber makes Luke have all kinds of Feels (and a handy flashback for those who have forgotten the movies). Luke's like, Oh, yeah, Bast Castle, I've been there before back in Dark Empire when things got weird, and Anakin FREAKS OUT. Tionne's like, huh, maybe that's why my contact said only family had a right to claim the lightsaber then.

Tionne wants Luke to come with her, but Luke is meeting with Leia for pressing NR business, so Anakin volunteers to go as the family rep. I love that Luke looks at Ikrit first, and only says okay when Ikrit nods. Of course Uldir wants to come too, and Luke is about to say no, but Tionne's like "he's just going to stow away, so you might as well and the cargo hold on my ship is too small for him plus our stuff" so Luke caves. DID I MENTION HE'S A SOFTIE?? And with Artoo and Ikrit to help, Luke feels good about it, but again, he insists on the parental permission first.

[Oh, no, I just realized that Luke might not want to go back to Vjun after all the traumatic shit that went down in Dark Empire, and that's ALSO horrifying to contemplate. Like, it's not dangerous anymore, so he's okay with sending Anakin there with supervision, but he might not be eager to re-visit it? MY HEART.]

We skip that scene, though, and jump immediately to everyone in the Lore Seeker, and Tionne teaches them about lightsabers. Nomi Sunrider is namedropped (queen!) but overall lightsabers are reified, and I don't know how I feel about that tbh, even though they are admittedly SUPER COOL LASER SWORDS BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ.

Fortunately, Ikrit's there to say "Not All Jedi," since I am not, which catches Tionne off guard, since she didn't know he was a Jedi master. Tionne is apologetic about treating Ikrit like a pet, but Uldir continues to be a jerk, especially when Ikrit starts sharing his own personal trauma. And then Ikrit declaims about Anakin and Tahiri's powers, but graciously includes Uldir once Uldir pokes him about it.

The skies of Vjun are stormy, so it's a bumpy ride down. They land outside the castle instead of on the landing pad at the top because the weather is so awful. Anakin did his homework, and explains the situation (Dark Empire recap!):

“Did Uncle Luke tell you anything about the fortress itself?” Anakin asked.

“I don’t know much about it.”

“Well, I found out as much as I could before we left. Apparently Vader built Bast Castle as one of his private strongholds; he was a powerful man. After both he and Emperor Palpatine died, some of the Emperor’s followers brought a copy of Palpatine’s body here-a clone. This second Emperor was defeated too. Since then, the fortress has been abandoned, as far as we know.”

“I still don’t get it,” Uldir said to Anakin. “Why would your grandfather choose to build in such a desolate place?”

Oh, you sweet summer child.

They spy another shuttle, and Tahiri is forced to wear shoes again so they can climb up in the rain. It's basically the Stairs of Minas Morgul from LOTR, only the rain is turning to sleet. Artoo hates stairs and Ikrit rescues him when he falls off - but he can hack the door open, so that's good. The hall has a giant, larger-than-life statue of Darth Vader toppled over on the floor, because... drama.

Then the laser fire starts, and everybody ducks for cover. Artoo uses his newly-installed reviewed mirror to deflect the laster bolts, so they can disarm the automatic security system. Tionne steps in with her lightsaber when Artoo gets shot, and she and Ikrit start tossing random objects to block them while the kids race for the control panels and it's epic. The statue explodes and Artoo manages to hack the system right before he powers down.

Uldir clapped one hand down on Anakin’s shoulder. “Not half bad for a kid,” he said.

Quiet, you condescending fuck. Yes, I know, he's like 14, but he's still obnoxious as hell here.

Anyway, they repair Artoo, except he can't climb any more stairs (I'm so confused how he did it earlier, but okay), and they debate whether to split the party. The smart answer is always "No," but they eventually do anyway, because plot. Tahiri's just happy not to wear shoes. You'll be happy to know that the bathrooms still work. This whole thing feels like an RPG dungeon crawl and I'm HERE FOR IT.

Tahiri notices the floor's texture shifts and that turns out to be a clue and I LOVE THIS. There's a secret pit trap full of spkes, and then suddenly they're attacked by monsters. But eventually, the others find them and deduce that they're holograms. Anakin IDs himself to a door and it opens into a secret chamber... and then this happens:

At the same moment, a puff of smoke erupted in the doorway, and a dark-haired man with a neat beard, tawny eyes, and a deep purple cloak stood before them. The man threw back his head and laughed, although Anakin couldn’t see what was so funny.

“The powerful Mage of Exis Station thanks you,” he said. “I would never have found the lightsaber without your help.” He snatched the weapon from Tionne’s hand. “But I’ll take it now.”

Tahiri starts pestering this guy with questions and he is startled enough to admit he's the Mighty Orloc. Tahiri realizes he's a stage magician, but even so, he manages to open a trapdoor, sending Tionne and Ikrit elsewhere. The kids rush him, but there's smoke and when it clears, Orloc has vanished.

Ikrit and Tionne are fine, and they start looking to rejoin the kids, who are searching for them and/or Orloc. Artoo and Uldir take a tunnel while Tahiri and Anakin go up stairs. Everyone keeps tossing the stale Imperial ration bars they picked up earlier to test for traps, and the RP gamer  in me approves.

“What’s this?” Tahiri asked, pointing to a raised platform that held a huge tube made of black plasteel. Wires and hoses snaked out from the cylinder in all directions. She ran a hand along its smooth side and found some sort of control panel.

“This looks like the tubes they use to bury dead people in space,” Anakin said.

It's actually Vader's bedroom! They find a little hidden hologram of a young Luke and I just... can't even...

Anakin opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. The little hologram of a young Luke Skywalker turned in a slow circle, so that they could see it from every angle.

...Anakin felt a lump form in his throat. “My mom keeps holograms of me and Jacen and Jaina on her desk at work, and Dad has one of me and the twins in the Millennium Falcon. I think Darth Vader was just doing the same thing.”

“So maybe he wasn’t all bad,” Tahiri said in a soft voice.

Anakin starts to feel better about coming to Bast Castle, which is good, because he has Deep-Seated Issues that need to be resolved.

Meanwhile, Uldir sees the lightsaber as a magical talisman that will help him become a Jedi. He abandons Artoo and confronts Orloc, who draws the blade on him. Orloc offers to teach Uldir his powers if he'll come with him. Orloc's looking for the Holocron in Vader's private quarters, and Uldir is tempted, but ultimately turns him down because he realizes Orloc is a fraud.

Anakin and Tahiri find Orloc and Uldir and Tahiri slides down a pole to confront him. Orloc attacks her with the lightsaber. Tionne and Ikrit show up, and Artoo uses a high-frequency blast to distract Orloc long enough for Ikrit to yank the lightsaber with the Force. Orloc disappears, and Uldir mentions the Holocron in Vader's private quarters. So Anakin and Tahiri take them back there.

Tionne's like, let's GTFO, but Uldir suggests they test it, which is a mistake, but Tionne agrees. OF COURSE Orloc comes back and snags it. They chase Orloc through the castle, and there's a lot of trap door shenanigans, but ultimately Artoo helps save the day and they get the holocron back, even though Orloc conveniently escapes.

(Maybe I've been watching too much Scooby-Doo, but I honestly expected Orloc to say "And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling kids and your talking [lagomorph]!" ...maybe in the next book?)

Ikrit suggests they use the ships in the hangar to fly down to the Lore Seeker instead of walking. Anakin suggests Ikrit keeps the ship, since he seems to enjoy piloting, and I don't know how Ikrit is piloting this thing since he's a lagomorph, but it makes him happy, and they all make it back to Yavin in two ships without incident, which means it's time for the inspirational moral!

“It feels good to be back,” he said with a sigh. Tahiri giggled. “That was certainly more of an adventure than I had bargained for.”

Tionne looked at her two students.

“Are you sorry you came with me?”

Anakin shook his head.

“The trip was worth making. I learned some interesting things about Darth Vader.”

“I learned to trust the Force and not just my eyes and ears,” Tahiri said.

“And we did find a lightsaber and a Holocron,” Anakin said.

“And a new ship for Ikrit,” Tahiri added. “So I think we’re glad we came along, but it may be a while before we go looking for adventures again.”

HAHAHAHA, right, kids. You just keep thinking that.

Ikrit names his ship the Sunrider after Nomi Sunrider, because he, too, stans a legend. Anakin and Tahiri ask if they can take the turbolift up to the Great Temple when Luke starts walking up the outside stairs, and Luke has NO IDEA WHY THEY HATE STAIRS, and... on that note, the book ends, with Luke being VERY confused. [I like that Moesta remembers the Great Temple has outside stairs, but... THE LAYOUT STILL MAKES NO SENSE!!!]

So, I don't know how to feel about this book. PROS: I love the character details with Luke, Ikrit, Tionne and Tahiri, and I like how all of the adults continue to be responsible while still allowing opportunities for the children to be competent and show initiative. It's great to see Bast Castle, and the whole thing has the feel of a classic RPG dungeon crawl. Yay for Artoo saving the day ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS, lol.

CONS: Uldir is annoying, and I wish he'd stop being such a jerk. None of the characters have ever played RPGs and it shows in their lack of genre-savvy. And I guess we'll see Orloc again in the next book, because... it feels like there wasn't much resolution of that particular plot in this book... no resolution to who Orloc actually is, or what or why. I feel like this book is part one of a two-episode plot, and I wasn't expecting that, but okay.

It's unclear if Obi-wan's lightsaber has any further plot significance or if it's just a macguffin. Ditto the holocron. But given the next book is Kenobi's Blade, I suspect Orloc's going to try and snag both, and Uldir is going to have a Not-So-Secret Test of Character about it. (To be fair, he passed the one in this book, so he's not all bad, but he's so obnoxious, it's challenging for me to give him credit where it's due.)

This book also kinda sorta falls into the "Jedi lightsaber fetish" trope, which I hate. Don't get me wrong, I love the laser swords and they are freaking awesome, but I hate how everybody latches onto "Jedi = laser sword" business as a symbol of identity. I know, I know, Star Wars is really ambivalent about whether the Jedi are Space!Samurai or Space!Monks, and I just... lean more towards the latter than the former, I guess?? But like I said, the lightsaber is more of a macguffin here, and Ikrit at least lampshades the issue a little bit, so I feel better about it.  

Also, it just occurred to me it's unclear whether Tahiri hates shoes, sand, or stairs more, lol.

[thanksjro]

Children of a Lesser Matrix: It’s Like A Saturday Morning Cartoon, But With… Genocide

Children of a Lesser Matrix is by no means a complete work- more of an outline that never got past the “slap some ideas in as they come to you” stage. Fun fact: you don’t have to write in sequential order if you don’t want to. It can actually help with writer’s block to jump around.

Let’s take a look at the writing process, shall we?  

I wasn’t kidding when I said the self-insert got the shaft in Eugenesis.

It turns out that back when the Transmasters UK club was a thing, it was pretty common for the members to have a sort of mascot for themselves, a character that would show up in their work repeatedly. You see it nowadays with fanfic writers too, so it isn’t exactly an odd phenomenon, but it’s something I found interesting.

You know who else shows up repeatedly in Roberts’ other works?

Throwback.

But that’s a topic for another day.

This story takes place in the year of 1990. No peering into the future here; this was probably set in the modern day at the time of writing. Seeing as Eugenesis was first published in 2001, it’s safe to assume that we’re looking at the work of a very young Roberts.

Our focus at present is an asteroid in uncharted space.

Oh!

Oh.

Looks like these guys are Autobots, and their ship crashed into this space rock, killing them instantly. These must be the equivalent of Transformers’ red-shirts, because it usually takes a little more to take them out. There’s also a Decepticon, but we’ll get to him in a second.

What else is on this asteroid? Oh, y’know, nothing special. Just the Creation Matrix.

AND IT’S EVIL.

And everyone knows that green is the color of EVIL.

We’ve got an interesting take on the Matrix here, in that A) it’s evil, and B) it’s sentient. Like, really sentient. Also, it can summon demons, and is gonna stuff them in these Autobot corpses it found in the ship.

No mention of what it does with Thunderwing, if anything at all.

Yep. Thunderwing. If you read the IDW Stormbringer miniseries, or the MTMTE Revolutions one-shot, you know about Thunderwing at least a little. In the Marvel UK comics, his whole shtick was that he was obsessed with obtaining the Creation Matrix, believing himself to have an affinity with it. Guess that sort of backfired on him here.

This is the first time I’ve seen something bolded like this in Roberts’ work, and I really couldn’t tell you exactly why, but it’s oddly endearing. Maybe it the mental image of this 14-year old kid just furiously getting this outline down, underlining the word “will" so hard the lead in his pencil breaks off.

We get hit with an interlude, taking place inside a robot grandpa.

Of course, I’m being facetious, but this is a little interesting. Perhaps this is referring to his base on Cybertron, and not Alpha Trion himself. It seems more likely than Roberts mistaking the name for a place.

And who’s inside Delta Triton? Why, it’s Skimmer!

You probably don’t know Skimmer.

Skimmer was actually in MTMTE #41- or at least, he was mentioned. Hailing from Caminus and serving under Thunderclash, the comic doesn’t even know what gender he is. He’s male. Probably can’t put that on the wiki, seeing as this is about as far from “canon” as it gets- an unpublished, basically unwritten fanfiction. It’ll be our little secret, just between you, me, and James Roberts.

Skimmer runs into his boss Quillion- who does not show up anywhere else, as far I can can tell- who doesn’t look terribly happy at the moment. There’s a huge blip on the radar, and it isn’t anyone they want to have over for tea.  

Language!

Quillion orders for these massive rocket boosters they’ve strapped to the moon be turned on so they can get the hell out of the way of this honestly preposterously large pile of Decepticons coming their way. They flip the switch, and moon #3 blasts off.

Oh hi, Luna 01, didn’t recognize you there!

Back at the asteroid, the Matrix went and brought the Autobots back from the dead, and proceeds to wax poetic  on the nature of life, and how its new underlings will serve it.

That’s the royal we, baby. The Matrix is making no bones about it, this thing is KING. Seems like the Omniforce is a Roberts-original idea. Wonder what that’s all about. And what of this new force of evil?

Oh my fucking god his name is Genocide.

If I were a middle-school kid reading this outline, I’d be losing my mind over how cool and edgy this was. Roberts is trying so hard here, and I’m all about it. You go, tiny JRo. You go full cowl on these evil robots.

Our Omniforce have personalities to match their new looks and identities, and it’s about what you’d expect- these boys are a drop of blood in the water away from going completely feral. Also, Thunderwing’s starting to wake up. So, that’ll be a thing soon.

Back at the interlude, everything’s settling down as the gravity rights itself. The moon almost hit light-speed- which, holy shit- but it looks like the laws of inertia in a vacuum are on vacation today.

Not that I expect a kid from the 90’s to know about that.

They’re roughly 7000 hours away from Cybertron, so they better start heading back now. Assuming that there’s still a Cybertron to go back to.

Back with the first plot, Thunderwing’s having a seizure- Roberts’ prose characters seem to do that a lot- and the Matrix is freaking out, because if he dies, they won’t have a ride off this barren space rock. There’s only one thing to do!

The Matrix zaps Thunderwing with green (evil!) lightning, saving him from the brink of death. Thunderwing is less than enthused with this turn of events.

You get redundancies like this when outlining, it happens.

Thunderwing is pissed, and the brand-spanking new Omniforce isn’t super sure how to handle the current situation. The Matrix, thinking quickly, merges with Thunderwing.

This does not help the situation.

You’ve had them for five minutes, and you’re already killing them. I know you’re new to this, Matrix, but come on now.

TWENTY THOUSAND YEARS LATER, it turns out that Quillion’s estimate of their arrival back at Cybertron was off by just a smidge. The moon runs into a tomb of all things in the depths of space, and brings it on inside to see what all the hubbub’s about.

It’s got a Mind-Krell in it.

No, I have no idea what a Mind-Krell is. Another Roberts original. He’s always been rather ambitious as a writer, it would seem.

Jumping back in time, Thunderwing’s throwing out his rawest lines, and it’s amazing.

Like holy shit, I unironically love this. I wish he’d decided to do more with this, it’s fantastic.

We get our first taste of action. Theres a lot going on here: Genocide is apparently a necromancer, capable of controlling the dead, which Thunderwing currently technically is. However, this takes time to set up, so it’s Black Fusion’s turn to step up to the plate. He shoots off a volley of Black Fusion from his eyes, knocking Thunderwing over.

Yes, they’re named after their powers. Or are their powers named after them? Anyway, they’re about to head for the shuttle, when Genocide orders Kaos to use his- you guessed it- Kaos Energy.

We’re also dealing with the “can’t just use said” phase that every young writer goes through. Kaos’ staff, which he’s had this whole time, turns into a gun? It’s not clear, but he shoots Thunderwing and then dives into the shuttle at the last possible second, Indiana Jones-style.

As the shuttle takes off, Genocide warns their resident possessor Daemon to not do the thing, even though he really, really wants to. With that, they train the onboard weapons systems on Thunderwing below- all of them.

And that’s all we got for Children of a Lesser Matrix.

Clearly there would have been more if he’d continued with the ideas, but as is we have a fascinating snapshot of what was probably one of Roberts’ first forays into writing. You don’t get to do this with very many authors, where you can go this far back and see what they were doing, what changed, what stayed the same. I wasn’t expecting to see ideas from MTMTE pop up here- and certainly not ones that were as big as the moon thrusters.

If this entry seems a little soft around the edges, it’s probably because it is. I’m of two mind about covering this at all. On one hand: it was published online for others to read, which makes it free game, and it’s a part of his growth as a writer, so of course I’m going to look at it! On the other hand: Literal. Child. I wouldn’t make fun of a kid just starting out now, and I’m definitely not trying to rag on a young writer retroactively. That being said...

I’m not gonna lie, this is kind of a rough sit. I mean, other than it being an idea springboard that never went anywhere. There are some neat ideas, but… look, anything that’s truly made from the bottom of one’s heart, out of pure love, is always going to be at least a little cringe-inducing. That’s just how it goes, even with the best writers, and this is an outline written by a kid who grew up on 80’s-era media and was just starting out.

Still, there was a lot of potential here. It’s ambitious, it’s over the top, it’s silly and earnest. I like it. It makes me smile to read it and think about the person creating it and having fun doing it.

It just goes to show that no one starts out amazing at what they do.

Up next, a relic of a bygone era- the ‘zine! It’s The Mystery of the Transformer Decoys, a ‘zine that was printed out and sent via snail mail. We truly are spoiled by the internet.

[fanfic-scribbles]

On the Run: Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Thirteen: “What is Love” or “Baby Don’t Hurt Me No More”

Masterlist Here

Overall Story Facts:

Fandom: MCU Avengers; MCU Captain America

Adventure/Romance – James Buchanan “Bucky” Barnes/Reader – Female Reader

Warnings: Violence, language, eventual romance, reader character with sassy/abrasive personality

Chapter Summary: You find yourself in a bad way, thanks to your new Hydra pal. He wants to be introduced to Bucky. He should be careful what he wishes for.

Special Chapter Warnings: Reader peril, described torture, violence being visited upon Reader, I don’t know how else to say ‘bad things happen to Reader’

Words: 5954

A/N: I would like to stress that the reader character does not have a super fun time in this chapter and dissociates during periods of torture/interrogation. I was descriptive of it so please take heed; if you need to skip this chapter that is a-okay. Now, that being said…everyone else, please enjoy. Long chapter is long.

    Chapter Thirteen: “What is Love” or “Baby Don’t Hurt Me No More”

You are terrified out of your mind, aching from whatever they had injected into you to knock you out, and in pain with a promise of more to come. However, some things just can’t be helped.

Your personality is apparently one of those things.

“Seriously? A dungeon? Do you LARP in your mom’s basement?”

“Do you ever stop talking?” says the wiry looking dork who has brought with him a rolling tray of assorted sharp and blunt objects. Some of them make you want to wet yourself, like the freshly sharpened knives, needles with who-knows-what in them, and a fucking mallet. However, some of them are sort of ‘eh’. Like that old rusted knife that probably can’t hack its way through butter. Ooo, tetanus. So scary. If you were under ten and couldn’t get a booster shot.

Wait, have you had your booster shot? Shit, that might actually be a problem.

But of course, it’s the long, thin, curved knife that the douchebag’s hand hovers over. “I have it on good authority that no, I don’t,” you say and damn it, you're pretty sure he can hear the quiver in your voice. His smile at you confirms it and you look away. Right at Steve, who is strapped down in some kind of tube thing and doing his best concerned face, so you look at the ground instead.

The others are like him too– Sam, Natasha, and even two people you didn’t really expect to be meeting like this: Hawkeye and Iron Man. Most of them are worse for wear and all of them are strapped to gurneys that slant upwards, enclosed in glass covers that you would compare to Snow White’s coffin if these things weren’t filthy with dirt and blood.

It’s hard to avoid looking at everyone when they’re in a half-circle around you. You’re standing, in your underwear, in the center of the room– well, sort of standing. Your wrists are cuffed behind your back and there’s a chain that is wrapped under your arms and shoulders and goes up to the ceiling, while your ankles are chained to the floor to keep you from…wandering, you guess. All that and the most annoying part of this is the grate you’re standing on. The holes are just big enough that if you don’t step carefully your toes get caught in them and that hurts like a bitch and a half when you don’t notice and try to move too fast.

On the plus side, you’re not in an enclosed tube. On the minus side, you’re pretty sure you’re going to be the lesson for everyone who is.

The DM grabs your chin and forces you to look at him. “Focus, sweetheart. I doubt you want to be here all day.”

Your blood rushes at the nickname. “I’m not your ‘sweetheart’, you sack of shit.”

“No, not mine,” he says, looking no less delighted. He purrs your name and you stare at him head on. You’re a woman in the world. If he wants to be the creepiest man you’ve ever met, he’s got some work ahead of him.

Unfortunately he seems to be up for the job, by how he leans in. “That is your name, right?”

“Ugh.” Your nose crinkles at the smell of…an everything bagel? Whatever it is, it does his breath no favors. “Can you breathe somewhere else? I don’t need to know what you had for breakfast. Also, why the rush? You can go brush your teeth; I’ll wait.”

He hits you so fast it stuns you. Your jaw aches and you blink away the stars and immediate pain. Still, at least it’s not a knife. You look at him, playing as cool as you can.

“We have to start slow,” he says and pulls back. “I don’t want to break you before I get my information.” Before you can ask what information you, the creaky fourth wheel on this hellish road trip, can possibly have to offer him, he starts pulling on a smock. “My name is Richard, by the way. I can tell we’re going to be here a while.”

You roll your eyes. Dick. Well, it’s appropriate. “Buddy, I don’t even know what I had for dinner last night. I don’t know what information you’re hoping to get when you probably have more of it than I do.”

“How about that chit chat you had with your boyfriend?” Dick leans in close again. “Hm?”

Well. Shit. Although you didn’t actually find out anything, other than you’d meet up in New York, which is a relief. Not that you’re planning on telling him that, but you figure the less you know, the better.

Dick punches you in the stomach. You gag and try to double over at the force of it. Try, because the chains keep you up enough and don’t give much slack for your effort to preserve those pesky things you like to call ‘internal organs’. You suck in a breath before Dick grabs your hair and yanks your head up. “Where is the Soldier heading?”

“There are a lot of soldiers in this world,” you wheeze. “Though I don’t think I know anybody on active duty.” You think of making a joke about Steve or Sam but ultimately quash it in case you draw Dick’s attention to them. They can probably take a hell of a lot more than you can, but the thought of anyone else being in this position because of you hurts your stomach more than that punch did.

Mother fucking conscience. The second science comes up with a way to surgically remove it you’re going to be first on the sign-up sheet. That thing is nothing but trouble.

Dick punches you harder, making you gasp and pant for air. “You know who I mean,” he says, still creepily level, like nothing about this bothers him at all. Mother fucking Nazis. If you surgically remove your conscience, can you give it away? They need it more than you do, you swear. “Where is the Asset?”

You take a few extra seconds to catch your breath. “You try putting your missing friend on a milk carton?”

Dick backhands you across the face right where he had punched you, only this feels impossibly harder, making you really see stars as a headache begins to swell. You can’t help the way your eyes tear up but you clench your jaw– ow, okay, bad idea. Still, you don’t cry out and that’s something.

“Where is your boyfriend?”

You spit out a little blood. “I don’t have one.” And a tooth. Oy vey; what a mess. “And, uh, if you’re looking to fill the position– buddy, you are going about it the wrong way.”

He presses his lips together into a tight, grim smile, and you weather the hits as they come the best you can. He keeps asking you the same question, ‘where, where, where,’ but you don’t even tell him that you don’t know. Avoiding the topic all together seems safest. As does denying all possible hints of whatever you and Bucky are to each other. You haven’t even gotten a chance to talk about it with Bucky; no way in hell are you talking it out with Dick. He is officially banned from Girls’ Night.

Thankfully, his hitting and occasional kicking is something you can mostly bear. Seriously, high school bullies are more inventive than this shit stain. You kind of sort of really hope it stays that way.

“All right,” Dick says, walking away and sounding as calm as if he hasn’t just been using you as a punching bag. The pain isn’t as bad as you might have thought. Less sharp, more of a constant ache all over, but you’re panting like you’ve gone a few rounds yourself. Fuck, does this make you Rocky? And is it hilarious or awful to cast the wiry white Nazi as Apollo? You’re gonna go with ‘awful’.

Dick comes back. Holding a tape player.

A tape player. Hydra, feared terrorists, ruthless assassins, and government infiltrators, are using fucking cassettes.

God, if Dick plays you his Excellent Eighties mix you’re going to throw yourself on his torture tray and hope something on there hits a vital organ.

“Please, no Air Supply, anything but that,” you say with as much drama as you can muster. It isn’t. Much, that is. You’re a little woozy.

Dick hits play. The tape is scratchy, but you can make it out just fine.

“Wanna tell us who your girlfriend is?” a raspy, strained voice asks. The person sounds pained to a point you can really relate with right now, honestly.

“No,” says your favorite deadly trash vermin. His voice lowers to a register and tone that, frankly, you don’t ever want to hear aimed in your direction. “And you’re going to regret ever finding out about her.”

Dick stops the playback and does an exaggerated shrug.

That’s…huh.

“But the important question is: did he post it on Facebook?” You ‘tsk’ even as that recording plays back in your head. And again. “Not official unless it’s up on the wall.”

Dick hits you again, and again, and again. You take it as well as you can but you’re still left dizzy and barely able to see, between the double-vision and the tears. He stops you from swaying and the weight of his hands on your shoulders makes you tremble. What is he going to do now? “This is your last chance before we get started,” he says, lowly. It’s pretty piss poor compared to Bucky’s looming voice, but Bucky isn’t here. This guy is. “Tell me what you and the Asset spoke about and I will show you mercy.”

Your stomach sinks. You think about feeding him some lies but he’d probably figure it out and then you’d be in even worse shape. Did Bucky even tell you anything of note? You’re pretty sure Dick doesn’t care about your shared emotional immaturity and Bucky only mentioned that everybody was supposed to be heading home. That he would be too. You almost tell Dick that– that Bucky’s going home where he’ll be safe and far the hell away from any Hydra douchebag who wants him– but would that give them a lead, an edge that they could use to hurt him? Is that something Bucky doesn’t want them to know? It’s best to keep quiet, in this case.

Dick pulls up his knife and holds it in front of your eyes. “Going once, going twice…”

You glare at him. “Going go fuck yourself.” You immediately try to brace yourself for the fallout but Dick doesn’t hit you. He does something worse.

He smiles.

“I was hoping you’d say that,” he says and presses sharp steel into your flesh.

   It’s a weird night. Bucky is silent, in one of his moods, and you’ve had a shit week so you’re not exactly Little Miss Extrovert yourself. Still, you’re going ahead with your plans to make a ‘decent’ dinner by foisting all the work on the guy who had the audacity to complain about the food you buy. Now maybe he’ll appreciate why you go for easy, oven-heated meals.

But as you walk out of your room after changing into something comfier, you find him standing completely still at the counter. As you move around him you see all of the potatoes have been peeled but only one has been chopped up, and another is gripped loosely in his left hand while he stares hard at the giant knife he holds in the other.

Great. This is totally reassuring. “Bucky?” you ask. He doesn’t budge an inch. Yep, totally great to have a former assassin holding a knife and probably having an episode. You take a small step forward, because nobody has ever accused you of being too smart and sensible for your own good. Bucky tells you the opposite whenever he can, in fact. “Bucky, seriously, if you want to check out your hair go use the mirror like a semi-normal person.”

He still shows no sign of life. It’s times like these you wish there was a manual– ‘How to Take Care of Your Formerly-Brainwashed Super Assassin.’ Granted, he’s not ‘yours,’ but he spends enough time at your house that you feel like you have to take partial ownership. Times like these you don’t really want to, but he’s still staring at the knife and you just hope he won't stick it in your brain. “Hey, Trash Panda!”

He flinches and turns his head to look at you with wide eyes. You find yourself a little helpless in the face of such blatant fear, but he schools himself back to his usual aloofness quick enough for it to be just a little blip. Thankfully. You are not good at feelings, though you sometimes try to make an effort at it.

“Geeze, we’re never gonna eat at this rate.” Your version of ‘try’ doesn’t mean you always succeed, but in this case you do get the knife away from him so you can start chopping the potatoes into mostly-okay pieces. Mostly. Bucky observes you quietly for a few moments as you struggle to keep the fucking food equivalent of a bar of soap in your hand without chopping your fingers off.

“That looks painful,” he murmurs.

“I haven’t cut myself,” you say. Yet.

“I meant for the potato.”

You give him the meanest look you can muster but he just looks smug which is totally unfair but even you won't joke about whatever dark place he just visited. So you punch him. Unfortunately, Bucky has turned and your aim is shit, so your knuckles collide with metal. Not terribly hard, but hard enough to cause a little pain, and hard enough to make you drop the knife in surprise, which you fumble to catch like the dumbass you are.

“Ow! Ow!” you whine to both hands, one aching, the other stinging. Bucky pushes you over to the sink to start rinsing the blood off and he quickly holds a kitchen towel to the cut. He’s shaking and for a moment you’re afraid the blood has triggered a bad memory, but when you look at him he’s silently ‘laughing’.

He’s laughing.

“You asshole!” You use your not-cut hand to punch his not-metal shoulder. Even on flesh it doesn’t go much better for you.

“Go sit down,” he chuckles as he bandages you up. “And try not to bludgeon yourself on the coffee table on the way, yeah?”

You’re set to argue out of sheer stubbornness but both of your hands are out of commission and at this rate you’re going to “Final Destination” your way into a truly ignominious death. A strategic retreat from kitchen hell might be in order. “I hate you,” you grumble and shuffle away.

Bucky ruffles your hair and flashes you a genuine smile you haven’t seen on his face before. “No you don’t.”

   Dick makes a small but deep cut in your neck that makes you gasp for how much blood flows out. It’s not technically as bad as some of the others he’s carved into you– that one on your leg is tough to look at– but going out via slit throat seems like a real bad time to you.

But Dick is there, with a cloth and, “Don’t worry sweetheart, I’d never let you bleed out so soon. We’re just getting started. Unless you want to cooperate and tell me where the Soldier– where your Sergeant Barnes is heading?”

The way he sneers, like Bucky doesn’t deserve a goddamn name, makes Rational Thought and Reasonable Discourse take a backseat. Right into the trunk. “Cancun. He needs a nice beach vacation.”

Dick slaps you. You give a half-hearted shrug. As much as you can while strung up, anyway. “Yeah, I told him the Bahamas look much nicer, but what can you do?”

He puts his fingers over a gash he made in your shoulder and pushes them in. You scream but he doesn’t stop and for seconds that feel like minutes that feel like hours you can only think I won't give him up I won't give him up I won't I won't I won–

But why? Why won't you? Not that you’ve ever made a habit of selling out people you care about, but you hate pain and you always figured you’d crack like an egg if anybody ever threatened you with so much as a papercut. The question is worth examining if only to find out why your sanity and self-preservation have left the building.

The answer comes in a flash of pain and isn’t that just the most appropriate thing ever? You actually laugh. Dick grabs a handful of your hair and yanks your head back. “What’s so funny?”

“Hell of a time to have a revelation,” you mumble, still chuckling. It’s sort of funny. You had assumed you care so much about Bucky because you can maybe, some day, sort of, perhaps, in the future, possibly, eventually, kind of come to love that insufferable asshole.

You hadn’t really stopped to consider that you’re already there.

Stupid fucking trash panda. But then what does that make you? Ugh. Best not to think about it right now.

Ice cold water is dumped over you and you yell out in surprise. Dick’s mom’s basement is already chilly but the arctic shower you just took is so cold that your body isn’t shivering so much as it’s spasming.

“Don’t worry,” Dick says, going through a toolbox he’s pulled up. “I’ll find something to warm you up.”

   It’s hot and miserable. You’ve been trying to sleep for hours, but the night is relentless and you decide to stop sweating through your sheets for a few minutes.

You get to the living room and jump about five feet. Wow, okay, Bucky’s home apparently. “I thought you said you weren’t a robot,” you say as you approach him. He continues to stare blankly at the window. Out of the window? No, definitely just at. Shit, but that expression is too familiar to be good. Still, you stand next to him. “But normal humans don’t sleep like that.”

He blinks. “What?” he asks.

“Where’s your head at?” you ask back.

  He presses the hot poker against your collarbone and you scream. It’s harder to tune this out when the cuts simultaneously burn. You’re starting to sweat.

“I told you I’d warm you up,” Dick says and pushes your head to one side, leaving a broad expanse of your neck wide open.

  Bucky shakes his head. “Nowhere good,” he mumbles. His throat pulses with a swallow. “I shoulda stayed gone. It’s too fuckin’ hot.”

“Man, you’re tellin’ me.” you fan yourself. “I didn’t know you got back already. You’re lucky I’m wearing clothes.”

“I don’t know if I’d call that ‘lucky,’ doll.”

You choke on air. “Well, Mr. Barnes, I do declare!” you manage to say as he chuckles. It gets quiet again and Bucky looks a little less unnerved, but still not quite relaxed. He’s still…

“What?” he asks you.

There’s no nice way for you to ask this question. So maybe you shouldn’t. But he’s staring at you and ugh, you might as well just ask and deal with the fallout. “Does your head ever go anywhere good?” you say and lean against the couch arm. “You remember stuff before Hydra…is any of it good?”

He looks thoughtful, not angry, so that’s something. “Sometimes.” He squints, like there’s something only he can see in the distance. His lips quirk into a slight smile. “Cool bottles, hot night. Steve laughing about something.”

From the way the smile molds to his face you assume there’s more to that than he’s saying, but that’s okay. He looks content so you go to the kitchen and turn the faucet on, letting it run until it’s cold while you grab a few things.

When you return to the living room it’s with two wet, cold dishtowels and fresh-out-of-the-fridge beer bottles. You’re already wearing your towel and when you drape the other one around the back of Bucky’s neck he lets out a satisfying little groan.

You plop down next to him. “Sounds nice, but it must have been hard not to actually get your drink while it was cold.” But as you hold the sweating bottle to your cheek, you can see the appeal.

Bucky grunts his agreement and holds up his frosty beverage. You hit yours to it and you both take long pulls, and settle in to suffer together.

   Dick drags the hot point down your back and you scream and try to pull away but he holds you steady. Your blood feels like fire, molten streaming down your back. He says “hm” in a pleased tone of voice, like his little lightsaber fantasy has been satisfied. Fucking thank god, though, he walks back around to your front and puts the poker down.

“Congratulations, sweetheart,” Dick says, pulling off his torture-approved oven mitts. “You’ve lasted almost six hours already.”

How is it possibly still the same day? You want to ask but all you can do is drool.

“What’s wrong? No smart comments?”

You roll your eyes and pull up some energy by the sheer power of your assholery. “Buddy…if I was…a…vegetable…I’d still be…smarter than…you.” You breathe deep and force yourself to stand upright. “No comments needed.”

Dick grins. “I’m glad to see you haven’t broken yet.” He smooths your hair back. “I’ll let you rest up a bit and we’ll pick this up later.”

You’re spent so you can’t even pretend to fight back when he has two of his buddies come in and unhook you. Everything is stiff and doesn’t want to move and you almost wish they weren’t taking you down. Almost. Though it’s not much better when they stick you in the most uncomfortable chair you’ve experienced outside of a Pier One or Ikea and strap you down.

You don’t realize you’ve dozed until you’re getting doused with cold water yet again and Dick says, “Rise and shine, sweetheart!”

“Buddy, words cannot express just how much I am not here for your “Flashdance” fetish,” you stammer through chattering teeth.

“It sounds like you had a nice nap,” Dick says and pulls up a chair. “I’m glad. Are you ready to chat, yet? If not, we can get started right away.”

This guy is such a tool. “What part of ‘fuck off’ confuses you?”

He holds his heart– or at least, the space where it should be– and mocks a sad expression. “Sweetheart, I thought we were friends. You keep calling me ‘buddy’.”

“You’re right, so sorry. It’s ‘Dick’, right?”

“Richard, actually.”

“Pretty sure that’s what I just said.”

He grips your thigh and digs his thumbnail into the long, jagged cut, dragging his thumb down and through, splitting the wound and making it bleed once more.

You don’t scream but you choke and gasp and hiss, “Son of a bitch!”

“I like that one. We’ll keep it open,” he murmurs. He smiles bigger and says, normally, “I prefer ‘buddy’.”

“Too bad, Dick.” Seriously, what does he take you for. Wait, it’s probably better not to know. “Though if you stop with the stupid nickname you have for me, I’ll consider dropping the one I have for you.” Unlikely to actually happen, but it seems charitable to at least offer to think about it. You’re nice like that.

“What, ‘sweetheart’? But you are one.” He leans closer. “Will you be my sweetheart?”

Your face almost twists right off your body, you’re so grossed out by the idea. “Ohhhh, ugghhhhh. Man, I’d rather sit through a six-hour lecture on safe sex as given by Captain America.” Actually, when you think about it, that sounds kind of hilarious. “Or I’d rather–” have Dick cut out your ‘sweet’ (gross) ‘heart’ out with the tetanus knife.

“You’d rather…” Dick prompts.

“Eh, I’m not gonna say it because you might actually do it.” Sick bastard.

“If it hurts, then it’s likely.” Dick smiles again and pats your cheek. The touch is light but it still makes you flinch. “It’s all right, I understand. You’re taken.”

You're not getting into that again, so you keep quiet. Dick stands up, looks at the ground, and nods his approval before going to the corner of the room to get something. You glance at the floor but it’s just the same old grate underneath you and flat floor everywhere else. Nothing special.

He rolls over a weird looking box-thing, with dials and switches all over the top and a bundle of wires piled on top. “I’m very excited to share this with you,” he says and starts untangling the wires, pausing to show you two circular pads. “It’s not the exact unit, but this treatment was your boyfriend’s favorite.”

You stare at them for a moment, until it hits you.

You’ve never killed anyone in your life, but if you had to kill him, you’d do it right now without hesitation, and you know it wouldn’t keep you up at night.

“Oh!” Dick laughs. That fucking monster laughs. “He told you about this.”

Not in so many words, which makes it worse. You’re not comfortable with this asshole knowing that, though, so you play it off with a little shrug. “Or I saw it on the news or in an interview or something. There was a lot about the Winter Soldier.” You look him right in the eyes. “Especially when he started kicking you guys right in the teeth.”

Dick smiles patiently and holds the pads up. God, is this how they looked when they hooked Bucky up? Did they smile, laugh, joke when they did this to him? You had a TENS unit, once. The day Bucky had seen you put it on your shoulders– well, it was the one time you had feared Bucky. Feared and been so sad for him. That expression on his face was not, is not, one you ever, ever want to see again.

Something that can hurt Bucky like that absolutely terrifies you. Is it just torture? Or will they do to you what they did to him? Will they strip you down and make you forget?

Also, fuck your life where you can think of anything as ‘just torture’.

As Dick is about to stick those wires to you, a door swings open in the distance. Somewhere over…fuck, you can’t even pretend to know. Or care. But some other guy calls out something in not-English and Dick responds likewise, and they converse for a few moments.

Dick sighs and puts down the wiring, and as much as you don’t want him to know how scared you are, you can’t help how your whole body sags with relief. “I have to go report in, but I’ll be right back,” he says and leaves.

You tug at chains and straps but they don’t get any looser and you certainly haven’t gotten any stronger in the past five minutes. Still, it seems better than sitting and waiting for Farquad to mosey on back.

You haven’t checked on the others yet– you’ve periodically forgotten that they’re there– and you still don’t want to. If they’re alive then they’ve been watching you get worked over and you’re not a fan of however they’re going to look at you. You don’t know how much they’ve heard but there have to get air in there somehow.

Unless they’re all dead…

Fuck it. You do a quick scan to make sure everyone’s alive and you ignore Steve’s attempt to keep your attention. Whatever he needs you to do, you don’t think you’re capable, and doesn’t that just suck. If Natasha and you were switched she probably would have snapped Dick’s neck by now. You’d be out of here, not getting–

Gunshots sound on the level above you and your heart leaps into your throat. You pull on the restraints– again, not any looser, but the thought of being trapped in the open while guns are going off is terrifying.

The door slams open and Dick runs in, blood on his face and looking alarmed. Well, that’s a sight. You don’t really get to enjoy it though; he scrambles behind you, grabs your chin and pins your head to his stomach as he presses his gun to your temple. And then you…wait.

Not for long, though. You didn’t hear anyone follow Dick down but there Bucky is, sliding out of the shadows like a ghost rematerializing. You’re speechless in the presence of him. He’s standing tall, suited up in all black, and already wearing what you assume is his best murder face. But then he looks around at his friends, trapped, and then at you, and if you were Dick you’d wet yourself at the look Bucky is giving him.

Then again, if you were Dick, you would have made very different life choices leading up to now, so, to each their own and all that.

“Put the gun down,” Bucky says, while wielding his own. At Dick. Who is right behind you.

Bucky’s murder face is suddenly way, way, way less attractive.

“No, that’s not how this is going to work.” Dick presses the gun even closer. “Stand down, Soldier.”

Bucky stares at him. This really, really sucks, but all you can do is hope it’s quick and…and…

Bucky unloads the ammo from the gun, letting it fall to the floor before he tosses the gun itself far away from him. But Dick doesn’t let up on you. “All of your weapons, Soldier. I’m not stupid.”

“That’s debatable,” you mutter as Bucky rolls his eyes. Well, at least you’re in agreement on that. But Bucky starts removing weapons from his person– knives, guns, holy hell are those bombs, clips, rounds, and things you’re glad you can’t identify. At the rate the pile of death is growing, you have to consider your trash panda is really more of a murder squirrel. The last thing Bucky throws on the pile is a knife smaller than the two Bowies already buried and it’s all so ridiculous you almost laugh. Almost, because Dick still has a gun to your head and that is not conducive to hilarity.

“Upstairs is almost cleared out,” Bucky says. “You should either try to kill me now or surrender already. You’re not walking out of here.”

“Well…not alone,” Dick says. He says a word in Russian that makes Bucky go stiff and wide-eyed. Dick says another and Bucky jerks, like he’s going for one of his weapons, but then Dick smashes your head with the gun and Bucky stops at your cry of pain.

You’re a little woozy but then Dick says another word and finally, finally you get it. And swallow your heart. “Bucky– no!” you shout over the next word, hoping Bucky will just fucking run or something, but he doesn’t, he stays where he is, why is he still standing there?! Dick grabs your head by your mouth and the silence is punctuated with the last few words.

Bucky goes slack– not falling, but he’s no longer so tense. His expression goes flat, and his eyes–

–you can’t look at them for more than a second. There’s nothing of him in there. No Bucky, no Trash Panda, no person.

The Winter Soldier speaks in Russian and you want to wake up now. Because this– this can’t be happening. Bucky can’t drop his weapons because of you. Bucky can’t be forced to listen to those words because of you.

Bucky can’t be lost because of you.

Dick takes the gun away from your head. You don’t feel any safer for it. “How many did you bring with you, Soldier?” he asks, breathing easier. You hate him with every part of your fucking salty soul.

“Twelve.”

Dick practically hisses. “Damn,” he says and walks around. You assume he’s looking at the others but you can’t stop looking at–…at Bucky. At where Bucky was. Still is. You feel dizzy. Passing out would be real nice right now.

“We have no time to take care of the rest. Shame. But…” Dick goes to stand next to Bucky. He puts his gun in Bucky’s hand.

“Let’s make sure you never want to come out of being the weapon you were always meant to be,” Dick says. “Kill her.”

Bucky takes aim and you can only stare dumbly at them. At Dick, smirking, and at Bucky, so cold and distant. Bucky never talked about what Steve did to snap him out of it. He only said that Steve had almost died because of it. And you don’t have that history. You don’t have that innate level of friendship and love. You have less than a year of memories, some good, some bad, and a lot of ‘maybe’s that could have been.

The shot rings out, and you wonder why you don’t feel any pain.

Until Dick crumples to the ground.

Bucky drops his hand, still holding the gun. “Moron,” he sneers at the body and then looks at you, back to his resting murder face and with life back in his eyes.

You…

You breathe.

Deeply.

Bucky is going to regret not shooting you because you are going to murder the FUCK out of him.

You keep the growing well of rage and upset down while he, with some effort, rips the lid off Natasha’s tube, unstraps her, and snaps something in Russian that has her running to Dick’s body. You even hold it together when Bucky puts his hands on you and braces you while he rips at straps and chains like they’re Silly Putty.

It’s when he’s helping you up and you start to fall, only for him to catch you by wrapping his arms around you, that you lose it. “You– you fucking jerk! You bastard!” You hit him. Not hard; you aren’t capable of it and you don’t really want to hurt hurt him, not really, but– “You asshole you scared the shit out of me!”

He sighs and runs his hand through his hair and, shit, he looks really good. Full-bodied and healthy, like he’s eating enough, and his hair is all soft, and is this some sort of weird halo effect from him saving you? Would you be eyeing Steve this much if he had shot the guy?

Ugh. That’s a gross thought.

“It was necessary.” Bucky is half carrying you because your body is in a state of ‘just don’t wanna’ that you feel you can’t be blamed for. “It’s good that you believed it, because he had to.”

It makes sense. It worked. Still. “You’re the fucking worst,” you mumble and lean into him, intending to rest your eyes for just a second. “Officially my least favorite trash panda. Even under that bastard that left a torn up garbage bag in the middle of the sidewalk.”

He chuckles. “I missed you too,” he says with a warmth that you’re convinced you’re imagining. Heroic rescue is a hell of a drug.

“No you didn’t.” Tears slip down your cheeks. “You weren’t ever going to come back. You would have stayed gone forever.”

He sighs. “It was better. Safer.”

After the past couple of days– actually, the past week plus, you have an itemized list on just how much bullshit that is. You can give a lecture on it, even without updating it to include right now. Luckily for him, exhaustion pulls you out of consciousness before you can start your presentation, but he is gonna fucking get it later.

Maybe you’ll make a PowerPoint.

   User Tag List: @gravity-9-8 @grey-stardancer @asslikegilinsky @howdoesoneadult @projectxhappiness @jadepc @fandomlover03

[star-veil]

Drabble #01

transferred from docs -- not proofread 

as it turned out, more often than not, bb-8 was right.

and more often than not, poe disregarded her warnings and assured her everything would be fine.

today was one of those days.

this should have been the first sign all was not well.

the astromech let out an uneasy burble, but the commander was far too focused on his console than her. "happy beeps here, buddy, c'mon," he muttered, reaching forward to flick a couple of switches and instantly his deflector shields flickered to life around the fighter. "we've pulled crazier stunts than this," yet there was unease hidden underneath false confidence.

that was, arguably, what kept poe alive. improvising, and hope, and pretending everything would be fine.

a warm voice cut through the open comm line, the tone of a chiding mother that made poe want to apologize profusely and never do anything wrong ever again. "just for the record, commander, I'm with the droid on this one." and in moments the adrenaline of the moment obliterated any logical and grounded thoughts.

"thank you, for your support, general." there was a respectful amount of sarcasm there. not enough to get him demoted, but just enough to get the point across that he didn't appreciate her pessimism about his plan.

pushing forward, the ship continued its path right toward an enormous star destroyer than occupied most of the stars ahead, the narrowing nose pointing directly at him- almost like a big arrow that said "look! a tiny fighter literally incomparable to your weapons! opportunity!" yet poe knew they would not shoot him down without hearing whatever it was he had to hear.

whatever it was.

haha.

that earned a dry chuckle from poe, which bb-8 inquired about, but he brushed her off with a little hum.

"happy beeps..."

black one pulled to a stop, and without a stroke more of hesitation, poe flicked open the radio wave with a single push of a button.

"attention. this is commander poe dameron of the republic fleet, I have an urgent communique for general hux." a sharp intake of breath as soon as the name left his mouth.

this was no time to get flustered- he reminded himself sharply- and blinked a couple of times before a voice came back- and it filled him with such an indescribable feeling.

not only was there a tinge of warmth upon hearing the familiar tone but what felt like an icy slap at the sharpness of the words it delivered.

"this is general hux of the first order,"

of course it was. in political affairs, it was not ‘love’, or ‘babe’, or anything of the like. it was general hux and commander dameron. and that felt cold.

"the republic is no more. your fleet are rebel scum and war criminals."

his hud lit up with the progress bar of his booster pod, and he was semi delighted to see it was charging with a rather slow pace. 

"tell your precious princess," hesitance. there was a little bit of a falter there. not inherently obvious, but every little change was evident to poe. any inflexion, any stumble over words. "there will be little mercy. surrender now and your people will be spared."

well, at least he tried. it was darling, hearing hux attempt to sway his mind. real cute.

a sly smirk crossed poe's features. beat.

"hi, I'm holding for uh, general hugs?"

"this is hux."

again, ‘cute’.

"oookay, I'll hold." even across ships, it was like poe could feel hux's fiery gaze burning into him in frustration.

"cut the games, pilot."

"aw, hugs, you're breaking my heart here." sparing a glance at his hud, poe noted he did not have much longer to speak with the general. too bad. "I really thought we had something special!"

he'd apologize later.

there was a really long pause there, and for a moment poe considered the chances he'd pushed a little too hard and his boyfriend was finally going to blast him out of the sky, but a stifled mutter from the comms put a wide grin on his face.

“fuck you, dameron.” 

“actions speak louder than words, general,” poe mumbled in response, giving a little shrug and earning a warning beep from his astromech. “but by all means, armie-”

a rapid beeping cut his attention as the bar on his hud began to blip rapidly.  before hux had a chance to go off on him with that satisfyingly frustrated tone, he slammed one hand against the activation switch and in barely seconds the ship was barelling off toward the dreadnaught to his starboard side.

the force was intense. as soon as the booster pod kicked into action, poe felt himself get thrown against the back of his seat as the space around him nearly warped into light-speed with the rate everything was flying by.

"woah, wooh," poe breathed quickly as the dreadnought straight ahead got closer and closer. as soon as he cut onto the ship's surface, the booster shorted and he grabbed the stick to regain control. "alright, takin' out the cannons now!" he shouted over comms as he pushed off.

bb-8 let out a string of excited beeps.

"let's do this, buddy.”

the cannons proved to be little to no difficulty to take out. with lightning reflexes and a hot trigger finger, poe was basically flying in debris. one explosion after the other blazed his path along the nose of the dreadnaught, a trail of metal and flame signifying his success.

for a moment, he considered taking a little flyby near the star destroyer, show off in front of the bridge for a bit. and under any other circumstances, he would've. but the resistance's life was on the line, so poe kept himself in check.

for now.

it'd only been a week earlier when he had begun analyzing the plans for this great ship. according to the general, they had come by the plans from several brave rebels.

he cut to starboard side, a jerking turn as the ship spun around on her axis and flared full speed ahead. squeezing the trigger with a white-knuckle grip, poe decided this shot was dedicated to those rebels. they'd given so much for this victory. the whole resistance had.

the cannon exploded in a burst of flames.

"you did it poe, now get your squad back here."

no-no-no-no.

he was so close.

not yet

in the heat of the battle, in what felt like the peak of the fight- everything nearly shut down. the drone of the pilots yelling over comms or the beeping of his astromech behind him, became one solid line of white noise.

sometimes he wasn't even aware of his own actions.

so when the general's frustrated voice simply ceased, likely as the result of a 'manual radio malfunction', he didn't question it and kept flying.

suddenly, there were no more surface cannons. through some kind of subconscious miracle, poe's pure adrenaline rush had brought the pair to victory once more with no casualities save for the damage he’d done to the first order battleship.

“tallie, start your approach!” 

he fell back into line with the blue and red squadrons, moving one hand to cut the engines to a trickle as he slowed down. fighters- defend the bombers. that was his job. 

bb-8 amped the engines back up as soon as the bombers reached the nose of the dreadnaught and poe burst forward. beneath his helmet, hair slick with sweat stuck to his forehead- hands slipped under heavily padded gloves. this was going to be tough.

the cobalt squadron, while useful, was incredibly prone to failure due to the fragility of the bombs carried. the ordinance crew was constantly on edge carrying the packages of proton destruction but bravely, the fleet carried them ever on toward the drop point.

pushing the nose of his ship into a frontward spiral, he shot down a quick succession of tie-fighters, but to his dismay the second only knocked off coarse, barelling into a bomber as it slowed to a halt and exploded in a burst of light.

pushing portside, he curved down and closed his s-foils with a quick button press. 

“I know, I know!” he growled as bb-8 panicked loudly at him. “just watch our engines!”

as soon as he’d gained speed, the t-70 spun back on her roll axis and swept underneath the fleet to take up the back where several interceptors were targeting the straggling bombers. 

“shield, beebee!” poe’s s-foils were back up the moment he spoke and in seconds, the interceptors were no more. but not before several plasma bolts rocked his ship, dangerous tremors trailing him away from the fight before he could spin up and over to rejoin the fleet. 

“could use come help-” a comm line from a red fighter was brutally cut short with a scream. followed by the hollow echoing of a blown up bomber. they were losing fighters faster than they could knock out ties- if they weren’t quick, they could lose the entire bombing fleet.

“tallie, watch your center!” poe shouted as he curved around to join the blue leader. she was trailing a singular bomber- and a sullen glance around the cockpit viewpoint told him this was their only bomber.

their last chance.

for a moment, poe was sure they were going to lose the cobalt bomber. but through some kind of miracle, the load dropped and in seconds- 

the dreadnaught was nothing but a memory.

“hell yeah!” cheers sounded through the comms and poe swore he’d never felt so elated.

“black leader, come in!” it was snap- his voice just as excited, but with a different edge. something different. 

“I’m here, what’s up?” poe pulled back on his engines, pushing toward the raddus to dock before hyperspace, a victorious grin still lighting his features.

“the blue squadron’s found a weak point on the star destroyer, commander, we’re sending the last of our fighters. repeat, their battleship is going down!”

a sinking feeling.

breath caught in his throat.

the smile faltered. 

[jamalgreene21]

CHAPTER 2

NURSE MERCEDES

      Nurse Mercedes walks over to Priest and felted his pulse, it was beating a little rapid so she offered him his pain medication with water. Calm down she says to him, relax. Priest motion for her to get closer and he mumbles something. Mercedes lean down to hear what he is trying to say he whispered, Priest!

      Is your name Priest? He nodded his head yes! Nice to finally know your name, Priest we were calling you John Doe because we couldn’t find any records of you on out files here at the hospital or any police records of you on their files ….

       “I have been your nurse since you been admitted, it was touch and go for a minute there. Priest eyes Mercedes for a while watching her move around the hospital room, Mercedes  uniform fitted her tight and showed the outline of her panty line and bra. Though he felted weak from  his ordeal, his sexual nature wasn’t effected at all, damn  his mind yelled out inside his head. Upon the wall the television played and the news was reporting gun shot fired in Harlem, two men dead and noone knows who the shooters are!

      Then it reported a jewelry store had been robbed of jewelry and cash. As the camera flashes across the screen a woman walks bye, she looks very familiar he says to himself and as she turns to the side Priest catches a glimps of her, its China! Priest clenched his fist tight! The monitor numbers goes up a few numbers, Mercedes notice and rushes to his side. Are you okay Priest? He nodded his head to say yes. Priest couldn’t believe he let his guards down and China betrayed him!

        Priest is not known for slipping or sleeping on anyone, but this time he allowed a pretty face and big ass to make him slip, he says to himself. Nurse Mercedes Anderson  turns and says did you say anything Priest? That’s an unusual name, are you a Priest or Deacon? No he responded, just a name my sisters gave me. When suddenly Priest began coughing  between sentences, Mercedes rush to his side and slowly held him, and patted his back to clear his throat from whatever was blocking his breathing. Priest, she whispered are you alright? He shook his head up and down, his face turned flush. Priest is a light skin brother with hazel eyes, you would mistake him for a high fashion model, his figures stood out with a strong jawbone .

       Mercedes said slow down and relax Priest, your body has been through some trauma, you are bless God has watched out for you” Mercedes stared into his eyes feeling his body in her hands, and for a second she wanted to comfort him more, she pulled him closer to her and whispered in his ear, be easy Priest you need your rest ….

     Priest mind drifted for a second and thoughts of being in her arms is like paradise! A place where he could rest his mind! He felted her heart beat against his chest, Mercedes eased him down slowly back to his pillow and wipe the spit from around his mouth and his forehead. Priest thought, who does she think she is dealing with I call the shots!

       He started thinking where China might have gone and what hole she has crawled up in. She thinks I am dead, so that gives me the advantage, so he relaxed and started planning where to start searching for her!

 CHAPTER (3)

NEW BLOOD

        China went to see the fence to get off the money and drugs, she went uptown to the Polo Grounds to see Big Chick. What’s up China Big Chick greeted her. Big Chick is the neighborhood fence, he dealt with the Boosters, Pick Pockets and Art Thief! Chick dress in expensive clothes like Gucci and Yves Saint Laurent suits. Chick spot was in the Polo Grounds, his spot is decorated in plush carpets and expensive furniture. His carpet is thick and he didn’t allow noone to walk on his carpet with their shoes on.  His living room is white with white chairs. Chick is bi-sexual and he has that feminine style when it came to dressing up his apartment with expensive furniture and Painting…

        The walls were painted Ocean Blue, the furniture made the walls stand out, two white Lions stood on his living room end tables. He has a painting of Patti LaBelle and  Prince and the Revolution on his walls…Chick apartment is decorated to the  tee.  Chick was outside with his black leather coat on and hidden underneath is his hammer…

        China kisses him on his cheek. China is dress in a leather mini skirt and jacket showing off her legs with black silk stocking and black high heels which made her legs stand out. In her hand she had a brief case, inside was two key loads of Heroin and two hundred thousand dollars of counter fit money. China wanted to get rid of the counter fit money so she brought it to Big Chick. Big Chick got that name from his big sister’s friend. Chick like hanging out with the females, even as a young kid they knew he has female ways, he like playing with the dolls instead of playing with games boys like playing. He didn’t get the name from being fat or tall, Chick is bi-sexual but Chick use to threaten to knock out the down low dudes if they didn’t fuck him or let him fuck them and he made them fuck him. Chic

[sceawere]

an deireadh seachtaine | alfie solomons

anon wanted more sleepy alfie

You scrunched your brow as you felt something start to nip at your fingers, arm trailed across the edge of the bed.

“Mmmmmm….what?”

Your question was met with a scrunchy little bark and you turned your palm to scratch against the dog’s chin.

“Alfie?”

He gave no response so you rolled yourself over, arm dropping to slap his back lazily.

“Alfie?”

“Hmmm?”

“Dog needs letting out”

“Hmm”

“It’s your turn”

“Hmmm”

“Alfie…”

You hadn’t opened your eyes yet but your lids were tinged pink at the edge and you knew it must be daytime by now. Your suspicions were confirmed when the dog ran over to bark at the window and pushed the curtains out the way to get through.

“Uggghhhh…nononono”

You rolled to snuggle into Alfie’s side and he moved his arm up and over you, folding you in to the space it left.

“S’Bright”

“S’Day”

“No”

“Uh-huh”

“Uh”

“Dog”

“Hmmm”

“S’your turn”

“No”

“Yes”

The dog was scratching at the window, ruffing at something out in the street, or maybe just at the sight of the street itself and was completely ignoring your muttered conversation.

“I took ‘em out before bed, which means you get morning duty”

“Let Rose do it”

“It’s Sunday, Rose isn’t working”

“Fucking hell”

He pushed himself up, holding himself in the air for a moment before he huffed and moved his legs around. You brought your knee up to nudge at his back.

“Oi”

“What?” he reached across the floor for his shirt, the fires not having been lit yet.

“Kiss”

You poked your finger to your lips and waited there for him. He grumbled his way over, planting a soft kiss to your lips and hauling himself back up and away from the bed.

“Right, you” he motioned to the dog and then the doorway and the dog scuttered off down the hall.

You turned to Alfie’s side of the bed and snuggled into the warm sheets, listening to the faint sounds of the door and the clink of the bowls.

After a while you heard the click of the door back in its frame and the creak of the stairs.

“Here”

Alfie plopped mugs down on the sideboard and moved to light the fire opposite the bed.

“Oh, you’re good, aren’t you?”

“Shut up”

You laughed at him, pulling the covers up with you so as little of your skin was exposed to the cool air as possible as you shuffled into a sitting position and pulled your tea over to you. The dog came in and circled around Alfie as he got the flames going, inspecting what he was doing, and then jumped up onto the end of the bed and burrowed under the end of the blankets to lay on your legs. They let out a little huff of breath when they settled and it tickled your skin.

“That’s my side”

“Mine now”

“Bloody nuisance”

“You love me”

“For my sins”

You poked your tongue out at him, wiping sleep away with your free hand.

“Time’s it?”

He flopped down on the bed and you had to swing your tea out the away to avoid it splashing all over the covers. He reached over and took it from your hands, taking a big drink, and pulling the covers back over him. You huffed and rolled your eyes, reaching for the other cup by your side.

“Only about 9”

You sighed, dropping your head back against the cushions stacked behind you to prop you up.

“I better get moving”

“You’re going nowhere”

“I have mass at 11”

“Miss it”

“Uh…no”

“We’ve barely slept, love”

“You were unconscious for 13 hours”

“I had a long week”

“I’ll have a long week if Polly ends up going to church alone”

“Why is she here?”

“Because she’s the closest thing I have to a mother?”

“Yeah but why is she here?”

“Because she wanted to see my new house and put the fear of God into you”

“Don’t you think she’s done that enough times now?”

“Nah, it’s like injections. You gotta get your boosters every so often”

“I’d rather wither and perish”

You kicked him under the covers and the dog whined at the sudden movement.

“See, you’re upsetting the dog now”

“Shut up. She’ll be gone by Thursday”

“Yeah but I’m back at the office by then. I wanted to spend all weekend in bed with you”

“There’s next weekend”

“She could have killed me by then”

“Will you stop?”

“She don’t like me”

“No, she doesn’t. Can you blame her?”

“What have I ever done but look after you? Eh?”

“You tried to kill my uncle?”

“No, having someone battered isn’t attempted murder. I checked”

“Fucking hell”

“That’s how I feel”

There was a lull while you both drank your tea and then a knock came at the door.

“You decent?”

“Yeah, Pol”

She pushed the door open enough to poke her head through.

“Morning”

“Morning”

Alfie was taking a suspiciously long slurp of his tea and you rolled your eyes.

“You want breakfast before church?”

“Oh, yes please”

You knocked back the last of your tea, plopping it back on the counter while you detangled from the covers.

“Alfred?”

He let out a grunt at the use of his full name and you tried to hide your smirk as you moved off the bed.

“Yes, please. If it’s not too much trouble, like”

“No trouble”

You sidled past her, and she pulled the door closed behind you.

“Be nice”

“Don’t know how to be anything but. You two planning to sleep my entire visit away?”

“He works hard and he doesn’t get a lot of rest. You’re the one who chose to come at a weekend”

“Makes it harder for the bugger to ignore me”

“Stop torturing him or he’ll sleep at the office and I’ll never see him”

“I’m doing nothing of the sort. Nothing wrong with keeping an eye on him”

“Aren’t you supposed to trust family?”

“If I didn’t trust him, you wouldn’t be within 100 miles of the man”

“Like you could keep me away”

You looked up from where you were sat at the table to see Alfie shuffling in, dropping the dog by his bowl and finding a chair himself.

“You’d have to go through me first. Bigger men have tried, trust me on that. You think you boys are vicious, you should see what happens when you go for my kids. You’ll know that when you make a mother out of this one” She pointed her knife at you.

“Pol!”

“Told you we should have stayed in bed” Alfie whispered to you and you shot a look to him.

[sceaweretemp]

an deireadh seachtaine | alfie solomons

anon wanted more sleepy alfie

You scrunched your brow as you felt something start to nip at your fingers, arm trailed across the edge of the bed.

“Mmmmmm….what?”

Your question was met with a scrunchy little bark and you turned your palm to scratch against the dog’s chin.

“Alfie?”

He gave no response so you rolled yourself over, arm dropping to slap his back lazily.

“Alfie?”

“Hmmm?”

“Dog needs letting out”

“Hmm”

“It’s your turn”

“Hmmm”

“Alfie…”

You hadn’t opened your eyes yet but your lids were tinged pink at the edge and you knew it must be daytime by now. Your suspicions were confirmed when the dog ran over to bark at the window and pushed the curtains out the way to get through.

“Uggghhhh…nononono”

You rolled to snuggle into Alfie’s side and he moved his arm up and over you, folding you in to the space it left.

“S’Bright”

“S’Day”

“No”

“Uh-huh”

“Uh”

“Dog”

“Hmmm”

“S’your turn”

“No”

“Yes”

The dog was scratching at the window, ruffing at something out in the street, or maybe just at the sight of the street itself and was completely ignoring your muttered conversation.

“I took ‘em out before bed, which means you get morning duty”

“Let Rose do it”

“It’s Sunday, Rose isn’t working”

“Fucking hell”

He pushed himself up, holding himself in the air for a moment before he huffed and moved his legs around. You brought your knee up to nudge at his back.

“Oi”

“What?” he reached across the floor for his shirt, the fires not having been lit yet.

“Kiss”

You poked your finger to your lips and waited there for him. He grumbled his way over, planting a soft kiss to your lips and hauling himself back up and away from the bed.

“Right, you” he motioned to the dog and then the doorway and the dog scuttered off down the hall.

You turned to Alfie’s side of the bed and snuggled into the warm sheets, listening to the faint sounds of the door and the clink of the bowls.

After a while you heard the click of the door back in its frame and the creak of the stairs.

“Here”

Alfie plopped mugs down on the sideboard and moved to light the fire opposite the bed.

“Oh, you’re good, aren’t you?”

“Shut up”

You laughed at him, pulling the covers up with you so as little of your skin was exposed to the cool air as possible as you shuffled into a sitting position and pulled your tea over to you. The dog came in and circled around Alfie as he got the flames going, inspecting what he was doing, and then jumped up onto the end of the bed and burrowed under the end of the blankets to lay on your legs. They let out a little huff of breath when they settled and it tickled your skin.

“That’s my side”

“Mine now”

“Bloody nuisance”

“You love me”

“For my sins”

You poked your tongue out at him, wiping sleep away with your free hand.

“Time’s it?”

He flopped down on the bed and you had to swing your tea out the away to avoid it splashing all over the covers. He reached over and took it from your hands, taking a big drink, and pulling the covers back over him. You huffed and rolled your eyes, reaching for the other cup by your side.

“Only about 9”

You sighed, dropping your head back against the cushions stacked behind you to prop you up.

“I better get moving”

“You’re going nowhere”

“I have mass at 11”

“Miss it”

“Uh…no”

“We’ve barely slept, love”

“You were unconscious for 13 hours”

“I had a long week”

“I’ll have a long week if Polly ends up going to church alone”

“Why is she here?”

“Because she’s the closest thing I have to a mother?”

“Yeah but why is she here?”

“Because she wanted to see my new house and put the fear of God into you”

“Don’t you think she’s done that enough times now?”

“Nah, it’s like injections. You gotta get your boosters every so often”

“I’d rather wither and perish”

You kicked him under the covers and the dog whined at the sudden movement.

“See, you’re upsetting the dog now”

“Shut up. She’ll be gone by Thursday”

“Yeah but I’m back at the office by then. I wanted to spend all weekend in bed with you”

“There’s next weekend”

“She could have killed me by then”

“Will you stop?”

“She don’t like me”

“No, she doesn’t. Can you blame her?”

“What have I ever done but look after you? Eh?”

“You tried to kill my uncle?”

“No, having someone battered isn’t attempted murder. I checked”

“Fucking hell”

“That’s how I feel”

There was a lull while you both drank your tea and then a knock came at the door.

“You decent?”

“Yeah, Pol”

She pushed the door open enough to poke her head through.

“Morning”

“Morning”

Alfie was taking a suspiciously long slurp of his tea and you rolled your eyes.

“You want breakfast before church?”

“Oh, yes please”

You knocked back the last of your tea, plopping it back on the counter while you detangled from the covers.

“Alfred?”

He let out a grunt at the use of his full name and you tried to hide your smirk as you moved off the bed.

“Yes, please. If it’s not too much trouble, like”

“No trouble”

You sidled past her, and she pulled the door closed behind you.

“Be nice”

“Don’t know how to be anything but. You two planning to sleep my entire visit away?”

“He works hard and he doesn’t get a lot of rest. You’re the one who chose to come at a weekend”

“Makes it harder for the bugger to ignore me”

“Stop torturing him or he’ll sleep at the office and I’ll never see him”

“I’m doing nothing of the sort. Nothing wrong with keeping an eye on him”

“Aren’t you supposed to trust family?”

“If I didn’t trust him, you wouldn’t be within 100 miles of the man”

“Like you could keep me away”

You looked up from where you were sat at the table to see Alfie shuffling in, dropping the dog by his bowl and finding a chair himself.

“You’d have to go through me first. Bigger men have tried, trust me on that. You think you boys are vicious, you should see what happens when you go for my kids. You’ll know that when you make a mother out of this one” She pointed her knife at you.

“Pol!”

“Told you we should have stayed in bed” Alfie whispered to you and you shot a look to him.

[skysphoenixmode-blog]

Sneak 6

Texas Longhorns Football and Basketball: Why they are not just two other teams. Why they are a part of me and I mean a big part of me (Hoops is first as far as rankings but I’m going to be talking football first and save Hoops as the best for last)

                             Chapter Song: UT Detroit

                                Chapter Song: Flux Pavilion- I won’t stop

                           Chapter Song: MAKJ x Max Styler- Knock Me Down

       Chapter Song: Clean Bandit Ft Jess Glynne- Rather Be (LDND remix)

                                     Chapter Song: The Eyes of Texas

                                   Chapter Song: Texas Fight

 (Takes a deep breath in excitement) Ahhhhh I have been looking forward to this one. This one is going to be hands down my number 1. Plus, this one is going to be fun. I mean really fun!!!!! Why? Because it is about the two things that has brought me consistent peace in my life especially since I have been here in Austin. That being my guys for both football and basketball. Then Longhorn Nation. While this city is constantly changing, the one thing that remains true to the true Austin People is Longhorn Nation. When you are in Longhorn Nation, at least through my eyes, it isn’t about how rich you are. It isn’t about whether you get pussy, or how much money you have. Last but not least, it doesn’t matter whether you are the fucking shit or a god in the real world. Oh no no no no no. In Longhorn Nation, we all look out for one another. The true people. I say true because some in Longhorn Nation are part of the other group. The other group that is a whole bunch of Whiney Little bitches. Yeah, I said it!!!!!!!! Here is why!!! Every time we lose even when we are not having a shitty season, it is the same damn thing. OH, FIRE SHAKA SMART!!! FIRE AUGIE GURIDO!!!!!! FIRE CHARLIE STRONG!!!!!! I Mean come on that is just stupid and obviously I’ am not talking about all of Longhorn nation. There are a few rotten pieces of cherries in the pie if that makes sense? There is a process to go by. It can’t always be just the other half throwing fucking tantrums every time we lose. Otherwise we are going to never make process towards our ultimate goal that being a national championship. The only one we really don’t have a national championship for major sport wise is men’s basketball and women’s. I don’t care much for our women’s hoops team not because I have anything against them. We are one of the best in the country. Karen Aston has done a phenomenal job and I mean I do like our women’s team. Especially the one we have right now. Brooke McCarty, Ariel Atkins, Joyner Holmes, and then the Caron-Goudreau Twins (Khaleann and Audrey-Ann) as their main players. That’s pretty good and I will watch a game or two here and there but otherwise when it comes to Texas, I’m more football and men’s hoops. I Will support any other of our programs when they are in a big event or something else like a national championship and it happens to be the only thing on but hoops and football come first when it comes to Texas. Before I begin, I want to lay out my process of how any coaching job should go when first hired. Also, fans just need to chill the hell out a little.

1.    3-4 Years max for the first contract unless you either are just 100 percent terrible or worse than the last coach or you prove already with a major title and what not. Year 1, getting your feet wet.  Year 2, As you start to get more of your guys in, start to show a little progress. Year 3, High Expectations. Win. A LOT!!!!!! Year 4, pending on how your first few years go, if you are struggling big time then year 4 needs to be THE year to show your fan base and your front office that the patience that we all have had for you will be worth it. Otherwise you are GONE!!!! Now if it’s opposite where you establish a Culture of consistent winning and a foundation, then well go APESHIT!!!!!!

 2.    The front office/Boosters/Administration needs to shut the hell up and let the damn coach well COACH!!! Example, when Charlie Strong first got hired to Texas, Red McCombs (yes, I know he is one of our biggest donors) opened his mouth and basically said this is NOT MY COACH!!!!! Well he may donate to the programs but he is not Greg Fenves or Mike Perrin. (Steve Patterson was before Mike Perrin and he was the one who hired Charlie, not Mike). Pretty much, Charlie never got a fair shot I felt like. I liked Charlie Strong a lot. Now I am very glad we got Tom Herman. Do not get me wrong. I was very happy we got Tom Herman. Had we not hired him, I would’ve hoped for either Jimbo Fisher from Florida State. Les Miles. Or even somehow someway Nick Saban (Although he is a hall of fame coach at Bama and his legacy basically lies in Tuscaloosa, crazier shit has happened). Otherwise I thought Charlie should’ve gotten one more shot for a year four. (I do have something to say about that here shortly) Outside Interference from people like Red McCombs should not be allowed because while there are some good seeds in fan bases like Longhorn Nation, others who whether they are the equivalent of a normal whack job only instead it’s just a Longhorn Nation whack job, once they listen to a guy like Red McCombs then oh shit it is on. I Just think the booster clubs in general are stupid. I don’t even care if it is from someone who went to the same university that he or she is donating too, it’s stupid. Really, I just think it is. It should be the university. Not a fucking booster club. Ever since then, the pressure was set on Charlie since day 1. Especially when Charlie had a messed-up roster of Mack’s (Talking about Mack Brown) leftovers. Everybody deserves a fair Chance.

   3.    I get that an organization or a program has a history of a winning culture etc. but there comes a point where every origination and every program will go through a rebuilding process. Again, back to our football team as an Example. I have nothing against Mack Brown who was there before Charlie Strong. Mack Brown had a great history. He established his legacy here in Austin. Consistent 10 win seasons, Multiple Big 12 titles, a national championship. That is amazing. We had 4 total national titles for football and then Mack gave us one more. I’ am very grateful about that. However, he just wasn’t getting it done the last several years especially on the recruiting trail and the thing about our fan base in Austin, a good chunk of them still were impatient and expected a national championship every single fucking year and that is not always going to be case especially when we have teams like Alabama, LSU, Oklahoma, Clemson, Ohio State, USC (at the time), etc. We were still winning and making bowl game after bowl game after bowl game after bowl game. Maybe didn’t win them all but we still did alright. However, the thing about it is, while I still have love for most of Longhorn Nation, our fan base is one of the worse. They remind me of the Dallas Cowboys fan base. People just need to shut the hell up and R-E-L-A-X, relax. Years 1 and 2 needs to be the honeymoon years no matter what then year 3 and 4 need to be the critical years. That’s it. Game, set and match.

   Now for the real fun. Now for the real part. When it comes to college teams, I used to be a Missouri Tigers fan growing up in Missouri. The university was located in Columbia which was 3-4 hours away from my hometown of Branson. So, I didn’t get a chance to go up there a lot to do fun stuff when it came to Mizzou athletics. Which sucked but I still loved the City of Columbia especially during the other times I got to go up there. Living in Austin though especially with it being one of the Largest college towns in the country. When I first moved here to Austin, I was still a Mizzou supporter. When it came to sport shirts etc. I had mostly Mizzou gear and New Orleans Saints gear, I still do but more saints gear. Over time I became a Texas Longhorn. It really started 5 years ago. I went to a couple of Texas Longhorns hoops games originally as a way to get me out of the house because I didn’t have a lot going for me when I first moved here because I took the year off after I graduated high school in 2011. We Played Vanderbilt and I believe also I want to say Texas-Arlington. I don’t remember for sure the second one but we did win both of them. It was fun. All of a sudden, as I started to learn more about the history of Texas Hoops, about how we always would come so close to the finish line but then we would take major steps back. The laughing stocks of the country, people hating us and not believing in us, something clicked. I started going to more and more games the rest of that year. It became something I enjoyed. Whenever stressful events happened during that first year, I found that to be a healthy escape. Way better than what most people use for escapes from everyday situations. When it came to anger I may have had, just to be able to take it out on the opposing team and also since I compared my situation to our current situation within our program, it felt like it was us against the World. Every time we won, it would be a fuck you to our biggest haters. Starting year 2 on, I became a season ticket holder. Although since I went to pretty much the remainder of our games during year 1.

Year 2: It was my big 21st birthday present. My old man, my stepmom, and my grandpa Ben went in on it.

Year 3: My mom and my grandma Sandra went in on it with my father for my birthday again.

Year 4: I busted my ass during my contractor position at my old job. I paid for about 75 percent of it. My grandma Sandra did the other 25 percent. It was worth it. The only thing that sucks is that I was hoping for a damn good year. One of our best years. It ended up being one of our worse. 11-22. Dead last in the Big 12

Year 5: The old man is doing it for me as a Birthday Present yet again. At this point it really is the only thing for the most part that I want for my birthday

 Year 6 on: To Be determined

 Alright now onto why both Texas Football and Hoops are not just two other teams to me. They have become a big part of me.  When they lose, I lose. I just want to say before I start that Mizzou and the City of Columbia will always have a special place in my heart. The city is beautiful. The campus, especially the middle of campus and the south side near Faurot field, Mizzou arena, and the athletic facilities are just breathtaking. However, I now have officially and have been for a while, became full on Texas Longhorns first. Both Hoops and Football. Over any of my NFL teams, MLB teams, NBA teams and then my DFW teams in all those areas.

Up first, football.

 Texas Football: I completed the full-on transformation from Mizzou to Texas but only this time in football during Charlie Strong’s second year in Austin during the 2015 season. Mizzou and Texas did have history together from their days in the Big 12. They used to be big rivals even though Mizzou was in the North division and Texas was south. I watched a few of those games that they played against each other and I also watched a few Texas Longhorns games here in there but obviously I wasn’t as crazy about them as I am now. Mizzou left for the SEC in 2012 which was a shocker because people were talking about how they won’t survive going up against the Likes of Alabama, LSU, South Carolina, Auburn, Florida, etc. Well unfortunately to all the naysayers, we did alright the first couple of years in the SEC. Then we started to take a downfall. Well the transformation officially took place week 3 of the 2015 season when we were playing Oklahoma State here in Austin. We lost 30-27 thanks to the stupid bullshit phantom calls by the officiating crew that day and then the fucked up missed extra point kick by our kicker Nick Rose but right there and then with that being my first official College Football game in the place that I was already used to calling home and with the majority of fan base that I was used to calling my second family because of being a hardcore hoops fan for Texas already for 3 years. I enjoy going to Longhorn football games at DKR just because the Atmosphere is full of energy and passion. Being outdoors, exciting playmaking, watching guys go back and forth tackling and beating the hell out of each other. It’s why I love football already but Texas football became yet another part of me because of the history behind the program. The tradition. The passion. Also, because while most of Longhorn Nation were acting like whiny little bitches and always being critical but of the wrong things, I felt they needed another voice on the opposite side who isn’t all doom and gloom after every loss. Who will be their biggest critic but also their biggest defender because again Longhorn nation while I love my Longhorn Nation family, most of them are dumb and whiney little bitches. Almost like little kids who throw a tantrum because they don’t get what they want. That is one thing we do not need is a bunch of whiney little bitches who whine and complain when they don’t get what they want even if it’s just the littlest of things. I Do that more with Hoops though because that has been even bigger with me than football but I still do it for football. Sometimes people need to be called out for some of the aconite bullshit they say. I’ll give you a quick basketball example because it does have to do with both. Shaka Smart who is the current coach of our hoops squad, year one back in 2015-2016 he did very well in his first season. Got some major wins. Etc. Had that full court desperation buzzer beater shot that Paul Jespersen of Northern Iowa went for not went in during the first round of the 2016 NCAA tournament, I guarantee you we could’ve made it to the sweet 16 maybe even elite 8. That is how good I thought we were that year. This past year when we lost a lot of experience even though all the guys who left were not Shaka Smart guys and that we were trying to start bringing in Shaka’s guys, we struggled big time. Lot of Freshmen, no point guard, injuries, very little experience together, distractions, we struggled big time. While yes, I got frustrated because I hate shitty seasons especially when they are like last year, I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have seen stupid dumbass comments made by some of the whiney little impatient Fairweather bitches about oh how hiring Shaka was a major mistake, he can’t win but yet they don’t pay attention to the facts like how me and the real Longhorn Nation Members do. All they care about is Championships every single year and I mean EVERY SINGLE FUCKING YEAR WHEN THEY SHOULD KNOW THAT NOTHING EVER COMES EASY!!!!!!!! I have a message, another one to the whiney little bitches at the end of this chapter. People like me or some of my twitter followers who I know are true Longhorn Nation members, we are more reasonable, we get pissed too but not like some of these stupid impatient unreasonable fucks. Any who, my favorite thing the most about DKR and Longhorn Football games are late afternoon and night games especially at sunset and under the lights. If you are sitting in the upper decks, you get a very beautiful view of downtown Austin. Whether it’s the sun shining on the city during sunset or the downtown city lights at night. It is so beautiful. Very beautiful Scenery. Last year during the 2016 season, I went to not 1, not 2, not 3 but four games. The first one was because like my father said during the divorce right as it was getting ready to end, make more progress but also make more memories. So as a Father’s Day present, I took him to our second game of the year against UTEP and it was a night game. It was beautiful. We killed UTEP 41-7. Easy peasy. Shit after the first half, we went into the Alumni center as guests of Glenn and Michelle’s with them and Michelle’s family. Had a fun time just sitting back, having some beers, chatting, shit talking other big 12 teams, it was fun. Well just when I thought originally that was the end of my live college football in person for the season………. I was wrong. Glenn and Michelle had to go out of town during the weekends of the final 3 home games of last season. So, they basically hooked me and my father up with tickets to our game against Baylor Which you already know we won 35-34 and it was raining hardcore. It was exciting right to the end. You also know my story about everything else that day. West Virginia, lost 24-21 and then just me for our final home game of the season against TCU the day after thanksgiving which we lost 31-9 and it was Charlie Strong’s final game in Austin. It was heartbreaking to watch. The best thing though was that their seats were on the lower deck like about 10-12 rows up from the North End Zone so we got to see shit up close. It was great. I met some of their friends during the Baylor game, all very nice guys. Unfortunately, I didn’t see them the rest of the year. However, the one major difference between my football guys and my basketball guys, is I don’t have quite the reputation with football that I have with hoops. So to close this part, let me just say this, although I have yet to have more memories at DKR than I have at Frank Erwin, last year’s football season not only gave me some of my few rare great memories of what has been otherwise a hell year, not only did I got to see some exciting moments thanks to Glenn and Michelle, not only did I develop yet another thing I enjoy that gives me a healthy escape as well but Texas Football gave me two people who although they were already close friends with my father, they gave two more amazing people in my life who I not only consider close friends but also family. Who I will do anything for at any time whenever they need it when it matters most. Glenn and Michelle, once again I love you guys so very fucking much, thank you so much for all you do for me and my father, and just for your friendships to me and my father. You two are absolutely wonderful human beings and we need more people like you guys on this earth and yeah just I fucking love you two. You ever need anything? Anything at all? You know I’m here as well. Much love. You two are not only just two good friends of ours, you guys are part of our family. Love you both more than you know. And with that ladies and gentlemen, that is the end of the football part.

 P.s: Forgot to add in general that since Austin is a football town, got to blend in you know haha.

 Hoops, you are up next.

Alright I absolutely mean what I say when Texas Basketball is and has been the number one true thing in my life. Does anybody want to know why I call them my guys? Do ya? Because it’s true. Also, because ever since two years ago, I have started to build a great reputation within our squad, don’t matter who it is. Don’t matter who is on our team and it doesn’t matter who is coaching, I mean what I say when I have developed a great reputation within our squad. All started with a rally message that I sent to the members on our squad two years ago back at the beginning of 2015 during the start of Big 12 play. Almost all of them retweeted it. True story. I now have gotten more involved during the season when it comes to taking critics off of their backs, arguing with people who do not and I mean DO NOT pay attention to the facts, being their biggest critic but also biggest defender. Shit it even got to the point where I have some of them friends with me on Snapchat (Kendal Yancy, Isaiah Taylor, Cam Ridley, Eric Davis, Kerwin Roach, Ryan McClurg), one following me on Instagram (Joe Schwartz) and then one on Twitter along with one of our coaches (Mareik Isom and Mike Morrell). Oh yeah they know who I’ am. Even met a few of them. Met Myles Turner on campus one day during his freshman year. I met Dylan (Osetkowski) during Orange and White Night last year. Got a picture with him, really cool dude. I also met Kerwin (Roach), Andrew (Jones), and Tevin (Mack). Joe already knew who I was. I never met Eric but I did discover he was dating a friend of mine at one point last year. But it was cool to tell them welcome back for some and then welcome to Austin for the rest. I really wanted to meet James (Banks) and Jarrett (Allen) and get a pic with the Fro Bros. (That was their nickname given to them by Shaka) I mean I wanted to be able to say to people who asks who are they that its Jarrett Allen and James Banks aka the FUCKING FRO BROS I MEAN WHO CAN SAY THEY GOT A PIC WITH THE FAMOUS TEXAS FRO BROS HAHAHAHAH I WISH I COULD’VE. The previous one I met was Mareik Isom during the Kansas game this past year post game. Really good kid and a fine young man. When he was on the court last year, he was playing a style I have never seen before and right there I saw something special in him. So, to any NBA team out there, if you see Mareik play or have him practice or work out for you, sign him. You will not be disappointed. Wanted to get the fact that I had the honor to meet some of them out there. Now here is the other reason why Texas basketball is special to me outside of squad wise. I’ve had some of my many great memories at Frank Erwin Center etc. (I call it Frank Erwin for Short) from moments like Javan Felix’s game winning 2 point shot against #3 UNC in December 2015, to Beating then Number 3 Oklahoma here in Austin later on that same season when 2016 rolled around to Andrew’s game winning 3 point shot to beat Oklahoma here again this past year to winning round 2 of Waco Night against Baylor in Waco at the beginning of last year to Isaiah Taylor’s 25 points against those Damn Jayhawks to beat them here during the first year I started going to Frank Erwin. There are more but those are my favorites with Javan’s game winning 2 point shot in December of 2015 during Shaka’s first year against #3 UNC being number 1 so far. When that happened, we had a full house at the Erwin Center that night, Isaiah Taylor went for the first attempt from 3. Missed it, it bounced, Javan rebounded it and then with about 2 seconds, he started to make the shot and it got off right before the buzzer. It bounced on the back of the rim and then Boom went right in. We lost our minds in a good way. Unfortunately, our celebration was delayed because the refs had to review it to be sure. Took about 2 minutes and then it was confirmed. Holy shit we all really lost it. I literally fell to my knees and cried tears of joy. Out of all my years and all the wins and losses I have witnessed and been a part of at Frank Erwin and as a hardcore supporter and member of Longhorn Nation especially for hoops, that was as of right now hands down the best night and win I have been a part of. It almost felt like we won the national championship. It wasn’t obviously but it was close. Trust me, winning a big 12 title or a natty would be even more huge. It was huge for me though that night because it was during the first shitty year of two, the fact that the one thing in my life that gave me consistent happiness just gave me a moment to celebrate. Especially when otherwise it was a rare occasion that I got to have peace or moments to smile about because of all the other shit around me whether stuff that was going on inside my head or stuff that was truly going on and then when everything else around me slowly started to fall apart. Now when we win the national championship in hoops which it is coming, I’m just going to tell you right now that I personally will not only turn this city into an even bigger and better party than the hipsters, corporate scumbags, rich people and the party people’s party that is SXSW. I fucking promise you that. That is going to be a party for us. For the real Austinites and members of Longhorn nation. Not for the majority of little whiny bitches of Longhorn Nation and then for the goddamn Hipsters, corporate Scumbags, rich privies, etc. THAT IS FOR US!!!!!!!!! FOR US!!!!! F O R (Space) U S, FOR FUCKING US!!!!!! Ahhh I feel better. My point being is, what do I mean when I say this has been consistent as well? Because growing up until this point, I never had a lot to smile about. It’s true. Many of my great memories happened throughout these last 4 years because of this experience. Frank Erwin Center not only is just another arena to me, it’s my sanctuary. My getaway place away from everything and everyone when chaos in the rest of the areas of my life happen and everything starts to piss me off. This team, my guys are not just another team to me. Even though some may not know know me personally, they know who I’ am and my undeniable support for them. Also, I do consider them family. The Longhorn Nation Family. Why? Because we all go to battle together every season and night in night out. Longhorn Nation looks out for each other. Doesn’t matter how but it’s true. The story, the background about how we always come so close but yet no one ever believes in us. How everyone laughs at us, how we don’t belong. Not only will I stand with and by them through the great and the not so great but also Well that’s a team I can get behind which is why and now most importantly, when I say that when it comes to things that make me happy and give me peace that doesn’t have to do with everyday life, for my number 1 this will always come first. My guys will come first. Offseason, ok because the one thing in my life and the one best and consistent time of my life is not here so ok. However when the season is here which is my time of year, unless it is a dire emergency etc. and as long as nothing in my life like work, important family situations etc. aren’t happening, then this will always come first to me. People are just going to have to accept that. I even have a rule that unless I say you can bother me during the season whenever its gameday or game night and also emergencies, no body and I mean nobody is to bother me on game nights. My guys will come first even over other events, sex, etc. I mean always. Yeah, my father may say that eh when it comes to romantic relationships, that may not always be the case but I will make it the case. I mean what I say when this has been the one true and consistent thing of my life throughout my years on this earth especially the last several years in Austin. Most of the time as long nothing real life wise is going on when I’m in a relationship, I’ll do what my girl wants to do as long as she is not a bitch and as long as it doesn’t cost me money but when it comes to my guys, I don’t care what anybody says…. they will always come first. No buts about it. Only real-life situations and events will possibly interfere with that and might have a case but not much.  Otherwise this will always come first. As I always say, you want to see a really happy Sky win or lose? Well that is what the season is here for and what my guys are here for. It prevents me from losing my shit completely because of everything going on to the point where I want to literally kill almost everybody. So yes, now you know how much this means to me and how much I mean everything I say. It’s what happens when the one thing in my life that has given me consistent peace and happiness always comes through when it matters most.

Then of course, I don’t have to be somebody I’m not when it comes to Longhorn Nation and this experience. I’ am free and I don’t feel trapped.

 Oh yeah want to know where I got the title for my book, Sky: This is My Time, This is my Fight, This is my Night? I’ll tell you where but the story will come in a short chapter later on in the book but it came from right Here because of the saying that I’ am starting to more and more make it our motto within our Squad. Only instead I change our to my. Oh yeah and our official motto and no one cannot steal this motto. This is between the real people of Longhorn Nation and our hoops squad but our motto for our squad is

 THIS IS OUR TIME

THIS IS OUR FIGHT

ALL TOGETHER

THIS IS OUR NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Get ready haters. Our time is coming. Be afraid, be very afraid because the eyes of Longhorn Nation are coming for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When the day comes that we finally win a national championship for hoops, well let’s just say that to all the hipsters, corporate scumbags and privies in Austin……...our party is going to be better than your lying lame ass fake parties. Longhorn Nation will show you how it’s done. I personally am going to get so fucked up because it is a big moment. If I were to somehow die afterwards, at least I knew that when I die after getting so fucked up in celebration, we are fucking Champions!!!!! I can also die a champion because if we were to win a natty, that would be a big revival for everything else I’ve been through. Not for all but for most. To anybody out there who is going through what I have been through or are going through, one piece of advice that I can give you is that if you have something in your life that gives you consistent peace and happiness like what I have with my guys then hold on to it. Whatever you do hold onto it. One more time,

 THIS IS OUR TIME

THIS IS OUR FIGHT

ALL TOGETHER

THIS WILL BE OUR NIGHT

Cause everyone else that is not a part of the Longhorn nation family, THE EYES OF TEXAS ARE COMING FOR YOU AND ARE UPON YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

Before I end this, I do have a message for all the other side of Longhorn Nation, aka the whiney little bitches of Longhorn Nation who are always doom and gloom every time we lose even when we are having an otherwise great season. Longhorn nation, all I have to say is chill out. Your constant bitching every time we lose and every single year expecting perfection and to win a national title every year it’s getting old and unreasonable. Yes, I know we have history as a winning program in both Hoops and Football. Yes, we have a lot of championships throughout Texas Athletics. I get that. However, the thing that pisses me off the most is your hypocrisy. Ya’ll wanted Mack Brown Gone despite the fact that he was winning 8-10 games and a bowl appearance every year still the last several years one minute and then when Charlie Strong struggles you all of a sudden say that you want Mack Brown back. Same thing with Rick Barnes and Shaka Smart, ya’ll were so mad at Rick Barnes and when we hired Shaka Smart, you were all singing his praises. When we lost the game against Northern Iowa in the first round of the 2016 tournament, all of a sudden you were saying oh Fire Shaka. Shaka can’t coach. We want Rick Barnes Back!! Same thing this year when you knew the odds were stacked against him. Yes, I was very critical because of the way one of our players was being treated but to call for his job after one season, come on now. I have my issues with Shaka and our current staff for Hoops but different issues. Otherwise I still believe in him and I’m not ready to call for his head and abandon shipNow while I love most of Longhorn nation, our fan base is screwed up So I ask, please just shut up. If we continue to have losing seasons after hiring a new coach, then ok call for his head I will join you but if you are going to be doom and gloom every single time then please go support another team and then when we do start winning again, don’t come back because it is annoying. Let me ask you what happens when Tom Herman Struggles this year because you know we probably will struggle a little bit. We could go 8-4 and make a bowl game but are you going to call for his head then? Another example, David Pierce our baseball coach. Led Texas back to the NCAA Baseball World Series tournament this year. Ya’ll are probably singing his praises right now even those most of the guys on the team are Augie Guridos guys. What happens when he starts to get his guys? You know there will be a transition period, right? Or will the whiney little bitches have their heads so far up their asses that they will continue to throw tantrums until they get what they want? All I’m going to say is stop being LITTLE CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please go support other teams. Wake up. We have the best and the worst fan base in the country. We have the best because most are passionate, loud, and proud but the rest are just unreasonable whiney little bitches. You don’t have to lecture me on our history. I probably can only imagine some old Cowboy Texan who is a Longhorn fan since the start of time will see this come up to me and say that I don’t know anything about Texas Longhorn History. WRONG!!!!!!!! I know the history but I’m also not going to be unreasonable and throw a fucking tantrum. I look at the facts and if you want to leave and stop supporting Texas then please do us a favor. Just stop. Go support A&M, Oklahoma, Bama or whatever. Whiney Little Bitches, grow up. To the rest of the true members of Longhorn Nation, I love you guys and let’s keep helping our squads get to the light at the end of the tunnel so we can have something to celebrate once again.

THIS IS OUR TIME

THIS IS OUR FIGHT

ALL TOGETHER

THIS WILL BE OUR NIGHT

 Longhorn Nation, lets stand together. Haters of Longhorn Nation, the eyes of Texas are coming for you!!!

Texas Fight, Texas Fight,

And it’s goodbye to A&M.

Texas Fight, Texas Fight,

And we’ll put over one more win.

Texas Fight, Texas Fight,

For its Texas that we love best.

Give em Hell, Give em Hell, GO HORNS

And it’s good-bye to all the rest! (YELL)

Yea Orange! Yea White!

Yea Longhorns! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Texas Fight! Texas Fight,

Yea Texas Fight!

Texas Fight! Texas Fight,

Yea Texas Fight!

 The Eyes of Texas are upon you,

All the livelong day.

The Eyes of Texas are upon you,

You cannot get away.

Texas Fight, Texas Fight,

For its Texas that we love best.

Give Em Hell, Give Em Hell Go Horns go

And it good-bye to all the rest!

 Eyes of Texas: The Eyes of Texas are upon you,

All the livelong day.

The Eyes of Texas are upon you,

You cannot get away.

Do not think you can escape them

At night or early in the morn --

The Eyes of Texas are upon you

Till Gabriel blows his horn.

 HOOK EM!!!!!!!

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                                       2015 Part 1 (Me vs Brittany)

                         Chapter Song: Norah Jones- Good Morning

This is the chapter I've been waiting for to be very honest. This one I hold very close and dear to my heart. This is the beginning of what has been prior to this year the hardest two years of my life. Before I begin I just want to make perfectly clear that this chapter right here is in no way blaming this person for everything that has happened. I did back then. I was lost and in rage. I didn't know what to do with myself. This was when I confronted her last year before 2016 happened. Now that my stepmom is no longer in the picture, and then some, a part of me wants to make this right the right way. Yes, I know what people are going to say. They are going to be like “Oh Sky it's been two years. Why haven't you still let this go?” Blah blah blah blah. You know what there's a difference between not letting it go and revisiting this. Anybody who wants to think that I'm not letting it go? Fine fuck you but go ahead because I don't care. I'm not going to involve anyone anymore. This is my fight and my fight alone. Before I begin, I'm here to tell you all right now that yes, I have been trying to get ahold of her here and there but it’s rarely and its only when chaos is happening in other areas of my life but I'm doing it to do the right thing and trust me I'm going to get into the entire story right here and right now. The truth is as well, I do sometimes wonder if it’s because of my actions during this whole dilemma is what caused the rest of the last two years of my life to be my worst hours yet. Not because of what she did. That doesn’t matter at this point but because of what I did. If anybody who has read this still doesn't get it and know that I'm not a bad guy and I'm not as bad as a lot of people think I’ am up to this point so far and going forward then again fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. One more time FUCK YOU!!!! All right, now that I've let that out. I'm going to get back to this chapter I don't know what's going to happen, we could become closer than ever before. We could somehow get together. We could just have more respect for one another. She could still hate me. I could still hate her. I just don’t know what’s going to happen. Crazier shit has happened What I know is that while I'm not going to apologize for what I felt, I ‘am here before you a humble man to say I've done some shitty things too during this whole Dilemma. When it first happened, I put the blame on her all of it. Even for my guys struggling two years ago. It was wrong and it crossed the line. It's something I have to live with the rest of my life. Shit I even feel like some of the shitty things I did was karma coming back Why? You are about to hear all of it and I mean all of it. Ladies and Gentlemen here we go.

 It all started 3 years ago. Close to the end of 2014. It started in October. Me and my friend Brittany who were very close at the time, we were on top of the world. We would talk a lot. We would go to one another for our issues. I'll get to that here shortly in case anyone is wondering. She was someone I cared about. Who is Brittany you asked? Brittany was someone who I met at one of my old hang out spots. She worked there. It was called Bikinis. It was a sports bar here in town. Yes, I know what people are going to say, you were hanging out at a tit bar or whatever? Yes, I was. So what? I'll admit some of them I became close with but Not because of the sex frustrations. Some others yes, I did because they were attractive. I'll admit that too. Brittany was in the other category where I didn't. Maybe I liked liked her a little bit. Maybe I didn't. What I do know is the care and love for her that I felt was legit. Unlike some other people that she told me about. Especially other guys who come in and they’re all like LOOK AT OUR MUSCULAR BODIES Blah blah blah. I legitimately gave a shit about her. It was 2014. We were talking a lot. I even remember where I learned my lesson of overdoing it about talking every day or texting or whatever. Due to events from back in the day. Right around my 21st birthday we started becoming closer and closer. I remember that afternoon. I spent the day downtown at Bikinis. Watching some World Cup and having some drinks. Of course, I just got done establishing Bikinis as one of my spots by then. Although I did admit that yes some of them from back in the day were fucking attractive, others I legitimately cared about as good friends and or family. I took care of my people like I always do. I went to get them drinks from Starbucks. I was always there to listen to their problems which was fine because I showed that I care. Especially because they've always let me hang out there. I even became tight with some of the managers. Mainly Jade and Rod. Although I don't talk to them much anymore. I will occasionally if they don't hate my guts. Jade is busy with mom duties with her beautiful twins Zach and Maddie who are now 1 and I believe 2 come August and then of course Wifey duties with her beloved Eric. Rod is now the general manager at Lalas bar here in town. Not downtown but it's actually north and I believe not too far from me if I'm not mistaken and of course he's being Rod. Todd was cool and funny as shit but I don't talk with him much anymore. Nothing happened. I just I don't talk with him much anymore. Dom, I will occasionally. Corey haven't seen him in a while. Mainly Jade and Rod. Same with Karen. Actually as of Right now, Karen and Acacia are the only ones I’ve been talking to and keeping in the most contact with the most. Any who, so my birthday we started talking a lot more me and Brittany. It was also the beginning of the sweet notes that Brittany wrote for me which I later set on fire which I will get to in a moment. Bear with me here. It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Over the next couple of months, we would talk increasingly. She even was my biggest supporter come the time of fantasy football season. I even remember where the day of one of my drafts came, I made her some CDs because I remember her telling me she didn't have much in her car so I took the time to do something nice for her to tell her much love and much appreciation. I almost came close to having a draft party for the first season of my DFW Nation league which Jade and Rod were a part of. Rod left before year 3 but Jade was a part of it since the very beginning. I even got her and few others some drinks. Can't remember who else was there off the top of my head. I went to my Starbucks of course. I remember her favorite drink was some sort of bean frap. Shit if we were still talking, I could easily ask her but of course we are not. So, when I came in that Sunday, I gave it to her and she was just overjoyed. We gave each other a hug, and then of course we just went back to Good ol me and Brittany being funny and then some. Things were great. October came and that was a small beginning but it really didn't start till December. October is here and this was before I left for Missouri for a few days since I didn't go in September for Danny's wedding which I now feel like a Jackass for. I went to go see him and Sam and then of course the rest of my family. We were supposed to hang out one Tuesday night. Have some one on one time outside of work. Not a date. Least that's not I was wanting and I hope she didn't think it was or thinking that I was expecting that. So that Tuesday arrives. I had to do yard work. (Ugh Yard work I hate it so much.) I was quickly raking the leaves. I had my iPod on listening to Public Enemy. I was in a Public Enemy mood. So I was in the zone the entire afternoon trying to get the stupid leaves done. We were talking throughout the entire day. About the normal shit we would talk about and of course being funny like Michael Scott and Holly from the Office. Not that we were in a relationship like they were. Oh no no no no no. Hell no. Not that I don't think she's attractive. She's cute and she's beautiful. I'll admit that. I'm not afraid to admit that at all. Besides what do I have to lose. Now I don't have any sexual attractions towards her. I didn't then and I don't now. Anybody who does not believe me can yes go to hell. Cause like with everything else I don't care what people think. Any who while we are talking, we are of course trying to figure things out for that night. Not a big deal but if there's one thing I'm very serious about it’s about time. If people are honest with me then I will understand. So 4pm comes around, I'm done with raking the leaves. I take a shower because we had plans for 7pm. I get ready because we were going to have dinner at Bikinis because she was off. Had great food obviously. Why else would I hang there? I always got a buffalo chicken sandwich. I love anything Chicken. I'd prefer that over red meat. So I get ready. Of course I don't dress super fancy cause again it's not a date. Once I'm ready I charge my phone for a little while because my galaxy kind of started to become a piece of garbage. Once it's done charging, I gather myself. I make sure I look presentable because again even though it's not a date, I don't want to look like shit. So I leave. I got on my route. I put on my headphones because I don't like talking to people on the bus although I ended up talking to this really nice veteran. Just telling me about his story. Now as long as he's not crazy or anyone for that matter and clearly, he wasn't then I'm going to listen. So about 6:30 I get off near St David's Brackenridge because I got a text from Brittany saying that she got called in and she wanted to postpone because she didn't feel like going in which of course she lied to her superiors. Now on one hand while I was open to going somewhere else, I didn't want to pressure her. So I was like that's fine. We will just do something another time probably when I come back. So I end up going anyways. Just because I had a lot on my mind. I go because the Mavericks were playing that night. They were playing Philly if I'm not mistaken. Jade was managing that night plus my former homegirl Tamra was bartending. I went and it was a great night which is what I needed especially because I did something shitty which I will get into later on in regard to why I'm going then. So after I get back from my four days, I was invited to a goodbye party for someone else who used to work there. It was not Brittany but bear with me here. It was another one who used to work there. Her name was Jaime. Good ol J-Spinn invited me. I always got along with her. However, I shouldn't have gone but I did just to be supportive. She invited me. A lot of her friends there I did not know. Vince Young was actually there. He knew her. Which was surprising but unfortunately, he was kind of a douche. Colt McCoy would've been better. Him or Justin Tucker. So it was around 2pm when it started me. The only 4 I knew were Jaimie, Amanda, Leslie, and Tamra but even then, otherwise once again I was just the odd man out. It wasn't my cup of tea. Besides I have nothing interesting. Due to my history of either I drive people away or people just plain and simple don't like me. It was after I ended up being the 4 that I knew photographer for a few pictures but again back then I was stupid unlike now. So as soon as I took the pictures, then realized that ah fuck this this is not my cup of tea. I went up told Jaimie good luck in Nashville. Gave her a hug and then I took off. I went back to Bikinis but instead I had another hangout spot which was none other than the Parish. My homegirl at least I still in a way hope so, Karen was the lead there. She was Bartending there that day and Rod was managing. I went there to hang and have a drink. Not sure if I had lunch that day but I did go before I took off to my house. When I went, I was Wondering if Brittany was working that day. When Rod came down I asked him.

“Yo Bro, Is Britt working today?” He then said, “Nah Man, she moved!!!” I was surprised and I was like “Really?” He confirmed it. Happened while I was gone. Of course, I wasn't mad…. yet. It's coming but not yet. So, a few hours later, I messaged her. Saying “Hey is it true you moved?” She messaged me back a yes with a sad face response. Again of course I wasn't mad because it's out of my control. She even apologized which was unnecessary. As November went on, she was having a hard time with the move and guess who she came too every damn day? Me. We talked almost if not every day. She messaged me because again I was the one who was there to answer the call when she needed someone to talk to. I don't care what anybody says, it's a goddamn fact. I wouldn't be saying that and then some if it wasn't true. So yeah, I enjoyed it. We facetimed each other a few times and it was nice. She even had a few times because of our common love of Starbucks where she would send me pics of her drinks or Her and her beautiful Dog Kenya taking Starbucks Runs. It was beautiful. Her dog Kenya was a beautiful pup. Of course, she wasn't a baby but the love that Brittany had for Kenya, it was Admirable. It was adorable. One day I was at the bar having lunch and a drink after work. My somewhat still occasional homegirl Alexis who was also close with Brittany was Bartending that day. While Alexis and I were talking, I get a phone call from Britt. Of course, again, I was happy happy happy. All was well. It's getting close to when it all changed. But any who, I answered. Britt and I were talking for a few minutes. Alexis then was telling me to tell her hi and of Course Alexis wanted to chat with her for a minute. I handed her over my phone. They talked for a minute which of course Alexis had to get off before I want to say Todd was lead that day. Last thing we needed was for Alexis to get in trouble. Before, it was discovered and I was the first to know and again this is a fact but I was the first to know That Brittany was going to be up in December for a few days. Unless there is something I don't know or people are fucking with me, it is a fact that Brittany told me 1st out of our old group that she was coming. I told others Alexis including if I'm not mistaken, she was surprised. Then of course she was excited too. So yeah there's that. I mean why else would I be the first out of our old group? I don't know what goes on behind the scenes unless I'm included or if I decided to involve myself because some shit is going on, I don't know. What I do know is that she wouldn't have told me first if she didn't come to me almost every day while she was having a hard time with the move. Now on to when it all began. December came around. I believe it was a week or two before Christmas. The time that she was supposed to come rolls around. Once she gets here, I don't hear from her for days. Which is alright. I don't really care. Last thing I want to do is pressure people. As a matter of fact, when I heard from her it was the night of a Christmas party that we were both invited too by Todd. She went. I however did not. Why? Because again I'm not a big group person. Everyone was going to be drinking. Again, I don't have a problem with that. I have more of a problem of being the odd man out sometimes because of me but others because I just don't have anything in common with people also because I have a history of driving people away apparently and I don't care what anybody says. History has a factor to do with it. History will always have a factor to do with anything. So before she went out and besides I was having a bad night with my old man and my stepmom, we made arrangements for a quick lunch the next day. To have a couple of hours together before she took off for Houston. I wake up the next day, I get ready…. again. Although I'm not doing anything fancy. I head downtown. I take a quick walk around the capitol and I'm on the phone with my sister. It was a normal conversation. All was good. Here is where it began. Throughout the morning, I was trying to get ahold of her. I gave the space so I'm not doing it every five minutes. I was trying to get ahold of her for the time. I don't want to be late or nothing. Just like my father always does. Of course, I didn't hear from her at all that morning. I head to Bikinis (at the time I called it BKs because I didn't want to sound like a pervert. I don't know why. It's just me. It's an anxiety problem. Besides I wasn't like other scumbags who went in and treated them like sex objects. I was weird in a different way, but I wasn't a scumbag. Shit why would they even tell me things that they would have to put a smile on otherwise. Because that's who I ‘am. Loving good ol everybody's best friend Sky. Looking back now there were some, not all but some who I thought were fucking gorgeous and sexy. Those are the ones who I didn't talk to a lot or haven't kept in touch with in years. That's fine. Those however who I became close and tight with like My Homegirl Acacia and Karen who as of right now are the only two I keep in touch with the most out of anybody they were beautiful especially personality wise.) I went to have a drink. It was dead that day. It was just My Homegirl at the time Tina and Elissa working. Todd was managing. I went to hang out with Tina for a little while. Tina was the first person I befriended back in the day. Yes, she was gorgeous and attractive. I'll admit that. However, because I was trying so desperately hard to make friends and not lose them especially in a city that I was still trying to get used too even though it's been 3 years since I moved there at the time. Here is where it all began. I was talking with Tina. It was about 2:30pm. I went to the bathroom to take a leak. Of course, thank god, I can leave my stuff behind the bar. It’s what happens when I take care of my people. I get special privileges that no one else gets. I'm in the bathroom for about a minute and then I come out. My phone Buzzes. I get it out and I check it. It was a message. Are you ready for this? Are you sure? Last chance? Ok here it is. It was Brittany. I check the message and here's what it said. The message was:

“Hey Bubs, I just woke up. I’m going to have to postpone again. My grandma is in the hospital and I need to head back. I'm so sorry. I promise you we will have a rain check.”

 I'm not sure and I don't remember the exact message. If I did I would Reedit it. So, I apologize if well yes….no shots at anybody. It was close but I know for a fact that I don't remember the exact words. However, I then thought to myself well wait a minute. Something isn't right. There were some red flags. Number 1, I saw that she was up all morning. I don't even have to look on IM on purpose to see that she was on too. Second, I have sources who confirmed with me that she was at Target. Third if I remember correctly there was even a pic of her at Target. Don't hold me to that. It's not for certain. But the point is, I caught her in a lie. A couple lately plus when it happens more than once, something is not right. So yes, I got pissed. I told her how I felt. I was mad for a little while. Oh, if you think that's the moment where I got even worse, I haven't even gotten started yet. So, a month later comes, I meet with Alexis for lunch one day. To talk about it. I don't necessarily remember why. Looking back at it now, I didn’t necessarily remember why I needed too but unlike back then, now I'm not stupid. Now I'm a lot smarter than what a lot of people think I' am. However, it happened. So, what happened was at the time before Alexis and I had it out for one another, we were tight. Believe you and me, we went at it. A lot. I wasn't always right but I damn sure wasn't always wrong. She wasn't always wrong but she damn sure wasn't always right. That's not what this chapter is about. See part 2. Now back to the current time, Alexis was right about somethings. Now unless she was covering Brittany’s Ass which honestly, I would not be surprised, she did clarify the grandmother side. At the time before Alexis and I had our little situation, she was somebody who I always listened too. Alexis also told me about this little Movie/Documentary called The Secret. It was about how if you put your mind to it and fight the dark and think positive, then good things will happen. Now by no means am I saying she's wrong. It was a great movie. However, I tried it (multiple times and it didn't work). There's a lot of things that people don't understand. Like I said earlier, when more tough times than pleasant have happened…...consistently, then after a while as you get older, it gets harder to trust everything and everyone. It's not impossible to get that under control but it will not get easier. Also, growing up whenever you suffer a lot. Your home life is fucked up, people are treating you different in school, etc. all while going through said fucked up home life where your mom was unstable a lot, mentally abuses you, and forces you to be positive to shut you up or otherwise I would be in trouble. Really? Like you think that's going to help? When I'm suffering, you get frustrated because you don't know what to do…. well to anybody going forward who says that to me or anybody, here's my advice……..

1. When we say we just need you to shut the fuck up and listen for once and let us have our moments, then shut the fuck up…... let us talk. Let us vent and let us have our moments. Don't force anything down our throats. We will get over it. When you come to us, we don't judge. We let you have your moments of just letting it out. Let us have ours. When we need help, we will come to you. The biggest thing is when we are backed into a corner, the biggest help is you shutting the fuck up and give us a safe place to let it out for once.

2. When you say it's frustrating that you don't know what to do, that's not helping. It's an excuse and a way to shut us up. You think that's going to help? No that's worse. Unconditional love and support.

3. Take some goddamn accountability for once. Don't put it on us all the time. I cannot stress that enough. When we're the ones who always admit when we are wrong even if we are not at fault, look yourselves in the mirror as well. We can't control you. We can however damn sure call you out. And if we see the evidence, and it's right there in front of our eyes, take responsibility. Don't hide. It's called being a coward.

4. Again, unconditional love, support, and respect. Not everybody to me at least applies to this but a lot do. When we constantly do the best we can to be there for others, help them, talk to them, let them have their voices, etc. We don't ask for much but the same thing in return. When others need something and we are always there or try to be, all we ask is the same. Is that wrong? I don't think it's wrong at all. But that's just me. I'm not the millions and millions of people here on this planet. I'm not god. I'm not the leader. Trust me if I was this world would be a better place.

That's that. So, any who, I watched it from start to finish. It was good. So afterwards and this is where it really starts. I got me a juice from the store. I came home. Sat at my desk. Turned on AC/DC. Rocked out. I got on my laptop and I went on to order some flowers to surprise her at her new job. To say hey no hard feelings. I paid good no I mean damn good money to have them sent to her. I even specifically told the flower guy to follow the instructions. Do not fucking reveal my identity and yet the motherfucker did. Either that or she went ahead and read it anyway. This is where it started. I'm at work the day it happened. I get a message. It's from her. Unfortunately, it wasn't what I expected. It was the opposite of what I was expecting and yes hoping for. Again, because unless Alexis was covering for her ass which at this point I wouldn't be surprised about and yes wouldn't even be mad about, I wanted to say hey I'm sorry for being a prick. This however is where it got worse. So instead of just a thank you and hey business as usual, I kind of get bitched at. I get that ok maybe it wasn't the best idea now but back then I didn't know any better. I said I did know better but I didn't. My intentions were to do something nice to say hey I'm sorry for being a prick. My intentions were in no way, shape, or form to say hey I want to fuck you. I get where maybe yes now it kind of gave that vibe. Back then I didn’t know any better. So yes, I lost it. It gets worse in 2016 but again this wasn't the only situation I dealt with and I will continue to speak that until people do get it. Anybody who thinks that this was the only situation I dealt with, then yes, I'm going to say it that you are a moron. Also, I don't care what you think. The difference is, lately I'm now starting to realize that I wasn't completely innocent in this situation either but I’ll get to that here in a minute. I got angry because of two reasons. 1. I don't like it when people are not honest with me and not straight with me. I'm not perfect but if people are straight and honest with me. Yes, I might get anxious. Yes, I might get mad but you know what it's more at myself. Because yes, I know better for the most part. Somethings I just plain and simple don't know shit. However, I'm always willing to learn. Also, if anybody knew what I grew up with then you would know too. 2. All I wanted was a simple conversation. Yes, looking back at it yes, I was overwhelming. Overwhelming with the way I acted. The truth is I wasn’t able to learn easily the right way how to deal with situations growing up. I did learn but I had to learn the hard way. As I’ve grown over time, all I ask for is honesty. I’m a big boy. I’ll get over it. About a couple of nights later, I went to Frank Erwin Center (our home arena for basketball). Other little-known fact, she started temporarily started supporting my guys. I never even asked. She did and it was great because the beginning of that season, we were doing well. Very very well. Well after the situation started and once we started struggling, I set her notes on fire. Posted a video of it (Took it down shortly after). All because I started to blame her for every time we lost the rest of that season. I mean it’s crazy but it’s true. Cause it did feel like our season that year went downhill ever since that situation started. Was it wrong? Yes, it was wrong for me to do that and blame her. The feelings were valid because my feelings were hurt. Even after she fucked up first, I also screwed up. I mean ill address this again here in a little while. The feelings were valid and are still valid on both sides. Yes, I was overwhelming back then but because I had a lot to learn and I didn’t know as much during that time that I know now. Also, a lot of things that people still don’t get. I still have a lot to learn today. We all do but I have gotten better and I felt like I’ve grown as a person. That doesn’t make me a bad person though. My feelings were valid because again look at the beginning. The flowers as well even though again I understand that maybe to her new coworkers that it gave off the impression that I wanted to sleep with her (which obviously I didn’t), I did it because I wanted to apologize for the way I acted. At least I didn’t buy her jewelry, chocolates, or a fucking stuffed bear. I could have but I didn’t because I’m a lot smarter that people think I’ am. The fact that if everything else I’ve done for her wasn’t a problem, why were the flowers? It makes sense now kind of. So yes, I blamed her, I called her a curse, I blamed her and that situation for being the cause of everything else that has happened over the past 2 and a half years of my life. Setting her notes on fire in front of Frank Erwin and posting a video bout it to send a message which I took down shortly after was clearly not the answer and to some it made me look insane. But before I get to that and by the way, few weeks ago after an unexpecting betrayal by two of my former best friends, I tried it again. I’m going to put the message that I made for her on here but before I do that, again number 1 this wasn’t the only one. Do I regret being a shittalker and opening my mouth in front of everybody that we both know? Absolutely. 100 percent. It should’ve been between just us. However again there is still a lot about me and my life and situation that not a lot of people know about including her. Even though my feelings are and were 100 percent valid and not a damn thing is going to make me think otherwise, it’s not an excuse for some of the shit I did. Yes, I have a confession, there have been times here and there really since November of last year when I did try to make peace because at the end of the day I don’t want problems with anybody. However, as I start to realize more and more, I do have a lot of regret. Sometimes my conscious haunted me in my sleep. Sometimes even when I’m busy like with a lot of things, I have flashbacks about it and some of our greatest memories. Have you all seen shows on tv that sometimes there will be scenes where you are somewhere and a flashback of anything from that place or who you are with happens then it takes you back to the current time? Yes, that’s me right there. Happens to me. I have felt a lot of times that the last two years, the hell that came along with it were because of my actions in this dilemma. Now everything else that happened in other areas, I stand by it but this situation some of the things I did.... I was wrong. If there is one thing that people should know, when I’ am wrong I will admit it and I know when I’m wrong. In this situation, we both fucked up. She has nothing to apologize for. She did last year when I was at my worse due to the situations with my family and everywhere else. Speaking of that, last year because of my situation with my home life all that will be discussed about here shortly in the next two chapters, when the beginning of my family dilemmas first started.... I started losing it on the inside and I confronted her for the first time since March of 2015. Of course, she apologized but before she revealed that I need to live a Brittany free life, she said she doesn’t keep in touch with a lot of people from Austin which obviously that was a lie at least from what I noticed etc. Everything else she was right on the money. It was wrong of me for some of the things I’ve done. At the end of the day, I want her to be happy and I wish her nothing but the best. Also, if it absolutely matters most, if she ever needed my help in a dire situation, I hope she knows that I will be there unconditionally. Before I end this chapter with the message of my final attempt to make things right but the right way, to anybody I may have annoyed with it etc., sincerely from the bottom of my heart I do apologize. Now without a doubt to put a close on this. Here is the final attempt message I wrote for her just a few weeks ago and then I recorded it just for her, but privately:

    Hey Britt

        Ha-ha how are you doing?

     Yes, I know it’s a surprise me doing this

        Especially because the last conversation we had necessarily didn’t go well

        I know what you are going to say about the I need to Live a Brittany free life.

        You are still right

     However, I’m here tonight because I’m done messaging but I’m also done running.

    It’s time I own up to my mistakes. It’s why I feel like I have some unfinished business only this time i do it the right way and I don’t run and be afraid. Because lately my conscious has been haunting me because of a lot of things that people still don’t understand and don’t know about

  Yes, you are also right. You have your life. I also have mine.

 That’s fine

That’s never been the issue

The matter of keeping in touch was never an issue and if it was or if I made it feel that way, I apologize sincerely from the bottom of my heart.

At this point I don’t have any with you at all.

I forgive you. I forgave you awhile back after what has been a second consecutive year of hell. A summer of hell where my family fell apart

At this point you have nothing to apologize for

Now it’s my turn

Before I do that

I want you to know

I’m not doing this for any other reason but to make some of my wrongs right. I’m doing this to clear my head, my conscious and my heart.

Whatever happens happens

Whether you believe me or not.

That’s fine

I’m not asking for your forgiveness.

I’m not asking for you to feel sorry for me

I’m not asking for anybody to do that at this point cause honestly that’s not an issue

There’s more to my story that I’m learning more and more of.

No matter what I’m still going to be me

However, the only thing I’m asking is if you please find it in your heart to understand and believe me when i say that this has not been on my mind a lot since summer in 2015 and then since we last talked spring of last year.

There is a lot that happened in other areas that you do not know about.

Which is why I kind of lost myself. Which is why I was not in a good place mentally and I was hurting in my heart.

It’s also why I’ve done shit I’m not proud of including during our little situation. Which I will get to here in a minute.

As time went on and more happened, I began to lose myself more. However, I’ve also learned more about myself and became more confident to be proud of myself and to accept myself especially recently after the betrayal of two of my former best friends.

Hence the last two years and then some throughout my entire life are why i have decided to write a book on my life up to this point. Because again there are a lot of things people including you do not understand about people like me and again then some

I wanted to wait until the book to give a more grown up apology but I’m done waiting. So here it is

 Brittany,

    I’m here to tonight whether you still hate my guts or not to finally admit my wrongs. I’m not asking for us to be friends again. I’m not perfect but I did the best I could. I’m not a bad person but I know I’m in no means a golden boy Angel. I’ve done a lot of shitty things. I’ve also done a lot of good. I don’t think what others including you think. I don’t see what they see. I don’t witness what they witness. I don’t hear what they hear. Likewise, on the other end with me. I know I said a lot of shitty things. I blamed you for my guys struggles two years ago after you temporarily supported them before our situation. I called you a curse. I know there is a possibility that people may have talked. If they did well then, they were right. It’s why I’ am here tonight to tell you that despite some of my feelings that I felt from my point, how I did it was no excuse. It’s not who I’ am. I was raised better than that and looking back at it now I did know better. You are not a bad person. You are not a shitty person. I know that I was overwhelming with my whole family instantly crap when we first met. I know I was overwhelming with a lot of things. For that I’ am sorry. I’ am sorry for all the pain, stress or just anything in general that I have caused you during this situation. If there’s one thing I can thank you for, it is the beginning of a journey to make me even more stronger and better. By no means are you at fault for anything. Not for my guys struggling. Not for the last two years. None of it. I said all of that after the flower incident because I didn’t know better. I was just trying to do something nice after the first time. Back after the end of 2014. I still had a lot of anger in my heart and a battle within myself that I’ am still fighting every day, I’m not going to get into it right now. See my book when it is done. I still got a long way to go but as far as this chapter of my life goes, I’ am a man of my word when I say I have nothing bad to say about you. Not now, not ever, not in the book. I know I did during our situation. No matter what I felt during our situation, it is absolutely no excuse for some of things I’ve done and some of the things I have said. No one is perfect. I damn sure am not. You are a wonderful human being Brittany, you are full of light and gold. I’ve enjoyed some of the good moments we’ve had. You are a good person. I regret everyday some of the things I’ve done in so many areas including this one. I think you are a beautiful soul. I know I was overwhelming with my too attachment problem and my negativity. The attachment thing comes from while I was growing up with my conditions etc., Mental, and psychical, I didn’t have a lot of friends. I was at the bottom of the totem pole, bullied, etc. Taken advantage of because of my situation. Never good in groups, hence its why I didn’t show up to the Christmas party.   Growing up my home life back in Missouri was absolutely no help at all either. That’s all I’m going to get into regarding that for now. It will all be in the book in due time. That being said, no matter what has happened or what is about to happen, I accept it. I have for a while. Like I said I’m done hiding and I ‘am done running from who I ‘am. If fate one day has a plan for us to be friends again or acquaintances, then two things. One I hope I can have the opportunity to show you the real me. Cause one thing I will say is this negative side of me, I don’t like it. People say I love it but I don’t but again I hate it more than anything. However, one more time more will be in my book when it is done. But when more tough times than pleasant have happened, you start to lose trust in a lot of things. Everything and everyone. It’s not impossible to make it a little better and get it under control but it doesn’t get easier. Hence its why I used to be always eager for the perfect moment. All I wanted from the very beginning was just a fair chance to talk. I know I was overwhelming and you had every right to run. As time passed on, its why here we are here tonight. I ‘am here. A humble 23-year-old about to be 24 come July. With Asperger’s and a little bit of autism, both very high functioning by the way. That doesn’t mean I ‘am capable of doing something like this cause trust me if I wasn’t capable, I wouldn’t be here tonight doing this but here I ‘am. Right now, I have been trying to right all my wrongs because it just feels like I can never do anything right. I’m damned if I do damned if I don’t. Right now, yes I ‘am more scared than ever. I’m even scared right now doing this. But I ‘am doing it to show that I still have balls and courage to stand up. Stand up for me but also own up to my mistakes. Right now, this isn’t easy. Right now, because of yet another situation. I ‘am scared and yes I do feel alone. But I’m done running. Then two, it would be an honor if when my book is done, that you would read it. I’ am doing it to take a stand for people like myself and just anybody who in general is struggling. Shit if you are struggling, then it would be perfect for you as well I’ am sorry from the bottom of my heart for some of the things I have said. Some of the things you have heard. Some of the things you may have seen. The stress I have caused you. The amount of times I may have overwhelmed you. I’m just from the bottom of my heart as a very humble man here tonight one year later after not being in a very good place in my head and my heart, very very sorry. Despite what I felt, despite the battles that I’ am still battling everyday etc., it is no excuse for some of my wrongs. That’s why I mean what I say. I know that I’ve messaged you here and there trying to apologize but hearing it from my voice is different than reading something. Last but not least and this is something I’ve told anybody in general, should the universe plan for us to be friends again and to heal the wounds, if there is an issue that you have with me, please don’t be afraid to confront me. There are a lot of things that while I’m not willing to change such as being afraid to have my voice and then some, I never want to be intimidating towards anybody who has a problem with me. I’m here to listen and while I’m not perfect, I will do my very best to work on it and to continue to be the best version of myself I can be. If I do get mad, its mad at myself. Because i do know better but also because I’m trying to beat the constant thought that I’ve had through my entire life of I’m not good enough and I can never do anything right. That is why I’ am having the courage and the confidence to do this here tonight (list current time) May 5th, 2017 for you to hear it from me. From my voice. No matter what happens next, I’m still going to live my life. I’m still going to be ok. I’m still going to be me. Why? I’ve been through worse and I’m still standing. Before I move on with the next phase of my life after what was recently due to another setback that involved my former best friends that cost me my job and that temporarily put me back in that not so good place, I had some unfinished business but this time now that time has passed. For me to do it right. Brittany, no matter what happens and no matter what has happened, I still think you are a wonderful human being with a heart of gold. Even though you may hate me, I still love ya. I have nothing but love and respect for you. I think about ya once in a while. I hope you are doing wonderful. You deserve nothing but the best. I forgive you. I forgave you after I started phase 1 of starting over which I will get into should we have a catch-up heart to heart. Key word should we. No pressure whatsoever. Shit I’m not even asking for a response. All I ask is that you hear me out. Despite everything, it is no excuse for me acting like giant asshole. And I have to live with that and a lot of others for the rest of my life. Don’t ever change. Be yourself. I hope you are doing wonderful. One more time I ‘am very sorry from the bottom of my heart. I wish I could say more. But this is the best I can do yes even though I’ve tried to message you a few times here and there. But I didn’t do it the right way. This time I ‘am. Thank you for taking the time here tonight to listen to this and hear me out. I hope this shows you how serious and how much I mean everything I said. I do not expect you to trust me. No matter what, again I ‘am not asking for us to just be besties again. I know better now. No matter what happens again, I’m going to be ok. I have my life. You have yours. I still have a long way to go to getting better but I feel like I’m getting better. One more time before I figure out the next phase, I ‘am doing this for no other reason than to right some of my wrongs because I do still feel like I’ am a curse to myself and people around me. Thank you again. God bless you. Give Kenya my love for me. And I hope you are doing wonderful. Take care of yourself old friend

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                            - The World Today-

                                                Chapter Song: ACDC- TNT

      Key Word: Liberative (Word I created and which I ‘am considering myself by the way)- Someone who has a mix of both Liberal and Conservative views.

   As I have said earlier, and I’m going to say it one final time. Not all are bad. Not all cops are bad. Not all homeless people are bad. Not all people are bad. Not all Hipsters are bad. Not all Politicians are bad. Not all athletes are bad. Not all rich people are bad. Not all businessmen are bad. Etc. Why do I say it? Because I want to clarify that despite my distrust for a good majority for today’s society, I’ am trying to not be the Grumpy old at a young age bastard. Even though most of my feelings are valid. I feel that way. That is what this chapter is about. Before I begin, let me say one more thing as well. No one should ever be judged by their race, sexuality (in the right way), sexual preference, gender, disabilities, religion. It’s all about the personality and the shit you do. Let me make an example, I don’t care if you are black, Latino, Muslim, etc. If you go out and do stupid shit or evil acts like raping women, terrorist attacks, killing and murdering innocent people, etc. Then I have a problem. I’ am 100 percent straight, but I don’t care if somebody is gay or a lesbian. As long as you aren’t evil and a bad person with a bad head on your shoulders then you are good in my book and should be good in this book of our society. I’ll be straight, this whole world is fucked up. Here is another fact, it shouldn’t be just one group of people’s lives matter. It shouldn’t be just black. Shouldn’t be just white. Shouldn’t be just Latino. Not just gay lives. Not just Asian. Not just Muslim. Not just Buddhist or anything else. All LIVES MATTER!!!! This whole a certain group of people’s lives matter thing is just really fucking stupid. We all deserve a chance to live a good life. A happy life. A safe life. If you are a good person who doesn’t go out and do stupid shit to get in trouble with the law or evil acts of terror to hurt people or fuck over other people etc. then 100 percent you deserve nothing but the best and the best life possible for you and your loved ones. That is just 100 percent fact. Nothing will change my mind. The biggest problem that is facing our society today especially in our country is classism. I listed earlier that most of what I see today most people are in their own class. If you aren’t rich, you are nothing. If you don’t fucking party hardcore almost every night and go out every night, you are nothing. If you are not a hipster, you are nothing. If you are not a politician or a corporate scumbag, you are nothing. If you are not a douchebag or scumbag in general, you are nothing. If you are not a gangster, you are nothing. Not all is true but a good chunk of it is. I’ll give you two examples of probably many that I don’t remember of how much I mean what I say that not all are bad. Number 1, Glenn and Michelle who are two very close friends of me and my fathers, they make really DAMN GOOD MONEY!!!!!! Guess what because I know them and I have gotten to know them, they are good people. They are examples of the rare few people that are not like your average everyday rich upper class privileged people and corporate scumbags. They may make great money better than what me and my father may both make, but they are amazing people. They don’t go out and brag about oh they are super fucking rich and that because they are rich, the world revolves around them. Oh no no no no no. They are the opposite. They’ve always had a good head on their shoulders and plus they are more old souls. They started from the bottom to get to where they are. They didn’t inherit money from mommy and daddy. They didn’t fuck anybody over to get to where they are. They graduated from UT. Most of today’s society of rich people or people who make damn great money, they either fuck people over. Take advantage of the weak system. They inherit money and basically have everything handed to them. Never had to live in reality a day of their life. Well not Glenn and Michelle. Shout out to them. Much love to them. Example 1 of not all people are bad. Example two, my homegirl Caitlin who I met right after I got back from my 6 weeks away last summer. Now I don’t want to put non-facts in but Caitlin from what I see (Shout out to Caitlin by the way) kind of lives the hippie/hipster life style. Kind of. Don’t hold me to that. Again, I don’t know the full story. Even though I’ve known her for about 9 months almost a year come August, I don’t want to put non-facts and then it causes a problem. I really don’t need any more issues at least for a while. I base everything and all my views from what I see or what I hear. However, my point being is Caitlin is a sweetheart. As I’ve gotten to know her over the last several months, we’ve become closer and tighter as friends. We obviously don’t talk every day and we don’t hang out a lot but that’s ok. The important thing is that she is a sweetheart.  Also, as I have said as well, if you are also somebody who knows my people and in the same group etc. you are cool in my book. Those are two of many examples of when I mean that I have come a long way from I despise everybody to not all are bad. I still don’t trust a lot of today’s society and I may never will. I don’t despise everybody as well. There are 10 percent that I don’t despise. It’s why I base it on personality and what you do. I don’t care if you are black, white, gay, Latino, Straight, Asian, etc. If you are a good person and have a good head on your shoulders, you are alright. That being said, now here is my take on each of what is wrong with today’s society. Let me put it to you this way, if you hated high school, it almost kind of feels like a continuation of high school. Only in the real world.

 Cops: Ice Cube said it best, not all are bad. There are a few though who are living back in the racist days who need to go. That I agree with. There are others who don’t live by the protect and serve. They do but their motto is more of protect and serve the upper class. Where everyone else they’ll be like ‘’We’ll do what we can!!’’ and then for the upper class, I guarantee you that this is them every time and I quote ‘’You just hang tight and we will do whatever it takes. I promise.’’ End Quote. I say that in response to an incident that happened a few weeks ago. A Few weeks ago, Camille had her house broken into while she wasn’t home. Had a lot of her things stolen. Of course while the cops were right that she does need the serial numbers to help them, they did lay the whole ‘’We’ll do what we can!!’’ Now I’m just going to say it right now, the cops are lucky she didn’t get hurt because if she did and they did the ‘’We’ll do what we can!!’’ excuse, I would lose my shit. I don’t care if I’m rich or not. If that happens to anybody I care about, I will have their jobs and while I may not have the money to buy the chief off to get them fired, I will do whatever it takes. Honestly, I need to rant about the everyone else vs rich people part when it comes to cops now, I think it’s stupid that they’ll do whatever it takes for the upper class and for the rest, they’ll do what they can. Camille is a hard-working citizen in this country, and I just think it’s really disgraceful that most cops are either racist or will do the most work for those who have money. Greedy motherfucking cockmonkeys. I’m serious, I don’t care, if anybody I cared about ever got hurt and they called the cops then the cops did the whole ‘’not a lot we can do, we’ll do what we can’’ excuse…here is what is going to happen. I can either have their jobs taken away, they can do something and stop being lazy fucks, or if they decide to not do anything about it or half-ass it, I’ll do something about it instead. I don’t care if it’s the last thing I do. I’m not afraid to sacrifice myself if it means I’m going out fighting for the right thing or my people who have stood by myside, I’ll do it. To the racist ones, I also mean that those who shoot unarmed black people, those are the ones who need to go. Yes, the ones as well who only protect and serve the ones with money, also NEED TO GO!!!! However, there are a rare few who are still good-hearted people who are just trying to do their jobs and who actually still have a soul. My cousin Danny who is a cop in Springfield, Missouri is one of the good ones and he has a soul. Otherwise I personally think that most cops these days are a disgrace to the force. Because of the fact, they are lazy and dicks to everyone else and oh so kind to the upper class. Which Is why unless you are an athlete, musician, or a celebrity or just anyone who actually worked hard and did not have anything handed to you by mommy and daddy, I fucking cannot stand the average rich folk.

 Rich People/Corporate Scumbags: First of all, it really is because of what is going on in Washington. They basically own the country now even before Trump came in. They don’t care who they have to hurt and what they have to destroy to get money in their pockets. Money. Power. Pussy is what runs this world and shows your worth in this society. There’s good and bad to it. Most rich people especially corporate scumbags take advantage of it. All because of Citizens united. Citizens united, hah yeah right. More like billionaires United. Buying elections to their favorite politicians in exchange for favors to put more money in their pockets. I will be honest, because of what I have been through thus far, if I became rich would I enjoy it? Yes. The only difference is, because of the shit I’ve endured so far, I would enjoy it but becoming rich would be a reward for all the hell I endured over the years. When it comes to Politics, if a billionaire tried to buy a politician to let’s say shut down all of the observatories and science labs to prevent research on potential ways to save our planet from galactic threats or to prevent climate change, if he offered 1.5 million to make it happen, I will counter with 2.5 million to not go through with that and I will throw in a 250k bonus to do something to do something to benefit the planet or country. To tell the evil billionaire to take a fucking hike. Yes, I would buy politics myself but the complete opposite of what your average everyday corporate scumbag would buy politics for. Now the only corporate groups/billionaires I don’t have a problem are those who own sports teams for example like Mark Cuban. Also, those like Howard Schultz and CEOs who own major establishments like Starbucks, or Whataburger etc. Honestly again even though I don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, I base it on what I see. Now as for your everyday rich person who lives out in a rich neighborhood, I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I would try to just be friendly and say hi to somebody like that, and they would just look at you like wow did this non-rich guy say hi to us. Then they give you dirty looks. I mean come on, just because your rich don’t mean you have to be a fucking asshole or bitch to everybody who is lower and doesn’t have all the money than you. I mean really, grow the fuck up. You are not in high school anymore. You are grown adults. There are also sometimes events where you can’t get into unless you have Money or part of the upper class. See the Austin Texas Chapter for a prime example. Last but not least, again back to the relationship part and this is either men or women. If you can’t notice that your relationship is based on a lie and not on true love. Also, that you are only with someone just because of the money he or she makes then you really are fucked up. Maybe and yes I’ am taking into consideration that maybe sometimes it is what they want and they are ok with that. Being married, or in a committed relationship because of their money. It is just fucked up. That is just me though.

 Homeless People: Alright, this one is where I’m on both sides. There is one side where they are legitimately on hard times and that they are trying to their situation. Others, where they just stopped caring. They got addicted to drugs or drinking. Panhandling money just to get more drugs or alcohol. Every city has to get some of the blame. Not all but some. Austin Texas Chapter for more. There is this guy who is homeless that me and my Homeboy Chris know. His name is Robert. He is definitely not like your average everyday crazy. Who goes around and panhandles especially aggressively. No that is not him at all. He has a very small job he does every week and he’s trying really hard to get out of his situation. He’s a chatter box hahaha but I’d rather have a chatter box yet a good person than a crazy person who follows you and harasses you. I’ve had some bad experiences. One where I almost beat the fuck out of one of them. To those who are trying on their own like Robert to get their situation turned around, my heart and prayers are with you. If I ever at that moment can do anything to help, I will do the best I can. To those who truly don’t care, I hope you get the help you are looking for. To every city out there who has a major problem, like what Austin does, GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR ASS AND FIX IT!!!!!!! To start the Austin Texas chapter, I’ll give you one major example. Does anybody Remember the Haruka Weiser killing on our campus? It was a homeless guy who had a mental problem. Not enough facilities to get these people help to make sure nothing like the murder of Haruka Weiser happens again. They say oh everything is good. NO, IT’S NOT but I will wait until the Austin Texas and attention to all cities all across the world chapter. I’m glad they caught the guy who killed Haruka Weiser but there needs to be more done. I don’t care what anybody says, it is the fucking truth.

 Hipsters and Party People (Almost in a way some of this not all but some also goes with the rich people part): Hipsters just annoy me really. There are some who are in the upper class. That is also what annoys me and also. I compare Hipsters to Jive People of the 50’s. Tacky Clothing. Weird Music. Really as well though, most of them are douchebags and bitches. Now the number 1 thing is when as soon as something new comes out here is what happens. Hipsters be like ‘’OH MY GODDDDD THAT IS SO HIP!!! LIKE WE HAVE TO JUMP ON BOARD THE NEWEST AND COOLEST HIP THING!!!!!!! HIP HIP HIP!!!!!!!! They always get the first crack at the newest sensation. I’m sorry to anybody I may offend next but I live in a hipster majority city. Not all and again you know what I’ am going to say about anybody I know. That is different and it is because I like you as a person and you are not a normal average everyday hipster. As I was saying, I live in a hipster majority city. Most of everywhere I almost go, I see a majority hipster group. Again, not all of them are bad but for most, if you don’t see their point of view and what not, then you are nothing to them.  Now as for party people, I’ve known a lot and still do. Not all are bad. Not all of them do it every single fucking night unlike others. My biggest thing though is that, there are others who I have known throughout my life and that is what they are all about. I’ve known moms who have done that even. Go out. Drinking. Getting fucked up. Hooking up with one or more people. Like that is just their entire life. Working and then spending almost if not all of their money to go out and get fucked up. I’ll give you two examples. One of them is involving one of my favorite NFL network analysts. This one and the other example are fucking hilarious. There are more but these two are my favorites. This first example is involving Jane Slater. She is the former Longhorn Network Sideline reporter now working for NFL Network most notably for the Dallas Cowboys. Well first of all, I like Jane a lot. She is beautiful and a sweetheart. I have nothing against her. Now the funny thing is, one day I was on Instagram and I follow her on Instagram. Well there was this picture of her and two other friends of hers. One of them a former college roommate. The first part of that caption I do not remember but the second part read oh the stories that were told. She grew up. I never did. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH I LAUGHED MY FUCKING ASS OFF!!!! IT WAS ON JANE SLATERS INSTAGRAM PAGE!!! Now it didn’t annoy me like normal with other people or areas. It was annoying but it a very fucking hilarious way. Look Jane is successful for what she does. I like her a lot. At the end of the day she has the right to do whatever. She does go out a lot. I don’t know her. But I do see her pics on Instagram. I don’t know what goes on 100 percent but I think you get my point. It was funny as shit. Shout out to you Jane. You beautiful Kind-hearted babe you. Keep up the good work. I wish you were back on Longhorn Network. The second one involved an ex-girlfriend of one of the former players on our squad. I can’t say specifics on this next one like names and shit especially because I have a great reputation when it comes to my Guys and I absolutely do not want to risk it. Well here is what happened. I follow her on Instagram. Well she went to Vegas for her birthday and there was this picture on her Insta Story. The picture was a picture of google and in the search engine it read how to not get a hangover? Then the pic caption read YOU’RE NOT HELPING GOOGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHHAHHAHHAHAHAHA WOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!! Ok, see what I’m saying. There is no way in hell to prevent a hangover unless you are somebody like me. I may have gotten a couple to be honest but otherwise most times when I have gotten drunk, I was never suffering from a hangover. Never even THREW UP ONCE!!!! Crazy huh? Well it is true. She definitely is not in the same category as Jane Slater. I’m sure the other one is a sweetheart maybe. I don’t know. She could be a huge bitch. I don’t know either but you see what I’m saying. It’s ok to go out and have a good time. I’ve done it. It’s a rare occasion. I’ve gotten fucked up too. Also, rare occasion. Shit as I have probably said already when my guys win a national championship in Hoops, that calls for a major fucking celebration. If you don’t think I will go out and get fucked up, I will especially because that is going to be a big moment not only for me. Not only for our program. Not only for UT. Not only for our guys and coaching staff. But for the entire City of Austin and the true members of Longhorn Nation. I will. Otherwise that’s not me. What I’m saying is it’s ok to go out, have a good time, and let loose. However there comes a point where people make that their life. Every single Night.  Yeah ok, I get that to some people maybe it’s an escape but it’s not a healthy escape. Last but not least to kind of combine the rich people part and this one. The thing that mostly annoys me is while people like me have to fight for everything and it’s a rare occasion we get a vacation and what not, here we are seeing pictures of your many great fucking vacations. Oh, we are so cool. We are on vacation. When you come back, OH MY GOD LETS GO ON ANOTHER ONE A FUCKING WEEK LATER!!!!!! (A week later passes again) OH MY GOD LETS DO YET ANOTHER ONE!!!!! (A week later) WOW LETS GO ON ANOTHER ONE!!!! Like dude ok we get it you are fucking rich. You have money. You are in the upper class. Cool. Like drop it. Now if you are going to see family or an event like a wedding etc. that’s different but just to go on vacation just to go…......MULTIPLE TIMES!!!!!!! Yeah ok dude whatever you say. OHHHHHHH SHIT!!! AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA there actually is one more. Before I do that, if you are ever having a drink to honor somebody who has passed and you want to remember them. Also, celebration and unwinding after a hard day of work, that is ok. Otherwise another thing I find fucking hilarious is most people use holidays like Memorial Day etc. to get fucked up. I mean come on, it’s obvious. I saw a picture a couple of days ago where it said on one side ‘’ This is Great I wish every weekend was memorial weekend.’’ On the other side, it said ‘’For some families it is.’’ (Shaking my head while laughing) Damn so you see what I’m saying?

 Before I Continue I’ am now going to give a little advice to men and women. I’m going to do a section for each because honestly both us men and then women have some problems but when it comes to this definitely it is fucked up. So here it is. Now before I start this small section, this has to do with the hypocrisy of most. Now if men or women love to play the field and shit. For Men; Licking pussy and assholes, getting it in to get your dick wet, getting your cock sucked etc. Women: Taking it in the ass, getting your meat eaten, wanting to get a load of cum, well then no one is stopping you. I won’t. I can’t. All I can say is be careful. Now as for the hypocrites here is a section just for you and it is a little advice.  

 Men: Women are beautiful creatures. Most on the Outside. Some on the Inside. Some you want to see nude. Get it in with, right? I definitely do. Well that’s normal for us guys and normal for women. Sex is a natural thing. However, I want to look at it from the woman’s standpoint and ladies out there, pay attention to this. Guys pay attention to this, if you really want to win over a woman, most of them don’t want to hear about how you are the fucking shit. There is a difference between having confidence and acting like a douchebag/egomaniac/sociopath. Sociopath is where they don’t care about you. They only talk about themselves the entire time just to get stick their cocks inside your mouth, your pussy, or that ass. Most of it falls on the men but some women need to take blame because some douchebags and women get into relationships and after a while, something happens and then it causes a shit storm. They also do not appreciate you treating them like objects. Now granted we are all hypocrites when it comes to looks. I know I’ am. I Said it earlier but most of the time acting like a douche bag won’t get you far for long. Be a gentleman, ask how her day is, ask about her. When you do that in most instances, they will come around. Also, if you just want to look for hookups well then the Bar scene is just for you. There is a rare few that true relationships are formed from the Bar/Club/Partying scene. I think you know what I’m going to say next but point being from what I have seen or heard, that’s what I witness. So, men……if you are out and about, if you want a chance of a hook up, bar. But if you want to meet a woman for a long-term relationship then meet her at a coffee shop etc. show her some respect and chances are your douchebagness will not get you far. Also, be honest, be straight, be respectful, be loyal once you are in a relationship.

 Women: Please forgive me when I say I do not want to offend anybody. First of all, half naked pictures of you on social media is not necessarily the answer either. If you or your hookup or significant other want to sext each other nude pictures, then do the obvious. Sext each other. Now I’m talking about if you are modeling, at the beach relaxing, with family at a beach, Barbeque, showing off a cool tattoo, the lake, the pool, or weight loss progress, showing off a cool and pretty dress or whatever, ok that is different. But posting half naked pictures of yourself on social media, while yes even I find that very hot because I’m a guy, I would never use a woman just for sex unless it was a friend with benefit kind of thing. Also, again with the trust thing, you want to be careful with who you trust because people do use and you can be affected by it. You may not think so but if you attract the wrong crowd of guys, yes you can become a part of the I was just only used for my body looks. Also, money should not be the deciding factor for a relationship. I think it is stupid it is. My point being is if you want to look for a hook up, most of the time yes it will be at a party, club, or a bar. However, if you want to look for a long-term relationship, the club scene necessarily is not the only place to find that. If you look carefully and closer also out of your comfort zone, there are good people out there. Like for example, I’m not in the best shape. Yes, I don’t make a shit ton of fucking money, and yes, I’ am also a very mouthy guy and a very opinionated guy at first but once you get to know me, despite my flaws I’m actually not a bad guy and also I’m not the worst looking guy in the room neither. So, what I’m saying is pay attention to the signs. Again, if it is just for sex that you are ok with having a guy come after you for and it is something that you two have come to an agreement on? Then ok fine. More power to you. However, if it is a long term you want, be careful with who you trust. Get to know somebody first. Also, unless fate calls for it where you meet your future special someone man or woman at a club, party, or a bar, that scene to be honest is not the best scene to look for that. That’s all. Doesn’t make you bad but it is the truth. However as well, if you are in a long-term relationship with a guy or a woman, make sure you take time to appreciate each other. Men if you are reading this, this goes for you with either a woman or a man.

Both: Be honest, be respectful, be open, be straight, be truthful, be loyal, set boundaries. Appreciate each other, compromise, love each other, fight for one another. Set time for each other. Don’t neglect. And Most importantly accept each other for their assets and their flaws.

 There are more but those are mine. The overall take is I’ am concerned about the overall state of our future and the future for our children. Number 1, what is going on in our own country is not ok.  People may not agree with me on this part and that’s ok but despite the scandals, I Really am not rooting for Trump to fail. However, he was not my president. Neither was Hillary. Did I support Trump? I’ll be honest after Bernie got screwed, yes only because Hillary did not run a clean campaign. I didn’t vote for him and I did not vote for Hillary. Thanks to her friends in the DNC and that cunt Debbie Wasserman Schultz, they screwed the rightful presidential candidate in the Primaries. Yeah, I said it. Debbie Wasserman Schultz is a cunt for what she did. Yes, it is a sensitive subject. And I’m sorry to anybody I may have offended. Look I respect that a majority of voters wanted Hillary Clinton in office because she would be the first woman president in the history of the United States but I’m sorry she was not the right candidate. Not because she was a woman. However it was because of this reason and let me make this clear, she did not lose because she was a woman. She lost because she ran a very dirty campaign. The Clinton Family has had a history of scandals throughout their time in Washington. Most importantly it is because her and her establishment Buddies in the DNC most notably that Cunt Debbie Wasserman Schultz (Goddamn it I Fucking hate her. I cringe every time I say that name) screwed the rightful presidential candidate that is Bernie Sanders.

Most people news and anywhere: ‘’ OH HILLARY YOU ARE THE SAVIOR!!!! YOU ARE WHAT’S GOING TO BRING US FORWARD!!!!!! BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!’’

 NEWSFLASH PEOPLE, SHE IS NOT OUR FUCKING SAVIOR!!!!!! Bernie Sanders was the rightful candidate to represent the Democratic party although the two-party system and the party system in general is a load of horse shit. Especially when most put their party’s agenda over the country first. I never got into politics until Bernie Sanders came onto the scene but before I get into Bernie Sanders and why he would’ve been the best president we could’ve ever had, let me say this. Number 1, where were the protests when Bernie got screwed?!?!??!?!? I’m pretty confident that most people on tv clearly seen why he was the actual rightful candidate. But no, it was all about Hillary. When she lost the election, almost everyone lost their shit. Where was the anger for Bernie? A lot of people should’ve known that once Hillary and her DNC Buddies fucked Bernie, that was the moment where well I guess Trump is going to be president. If you want somebody to blame for Trump being elected, blame Debbie Wasserman Schultz aka the Cunt.  Ok I understand that majority of people did not and I repeat DID NOT want Trump in office. I didn’t want him elected either really although I said I hope he does just to teach the establishment in the democratic party a lesson. When the Cunt and the DNC screwed Bernie, I knew right there that oh fuck Donald Trump was going to get into office. This election was the lesser of two evils. Now that time has passed, yeah maybe Hillary Clinton maybe just maybe would’ve been a little better but I still hate the bitch. If she would’ve ran a cleaner campaign without the help of the Cunt and her establishment buddies in the DNC, ok maybe I would’ve voted for her but no the cunt and the DNC basically colluded to screw the rightful presidential candidate. I did not vote for either. I hated both. I hate Hillary but I also hate Trump. At this point I just want what is best for the Country. You know what would be amazing for this country? A joint ticket. Bernie Sanders and John Kasich. Doesn’t matter who is President or Vice President. The first ever in our generations history, a joint ticket for office. Imagine the many possibilities that we could achieve if we had a joint ticket most notably those two? So many things can be done. You already know I love Bernie Sanders but John Kasich has won me over throughout the last several months. So, me and the old man before he went to Los Angeles for a business trip were sitting in the Living Room one night. We were watching the Bernie Sanders and John Kasich joint town hall addressing the Donald Trump-James Comey-Russia Situation. Everything they said was right on the money about how we need to get to the bottom of this and everybody in congress (Washington and All over the Country etc.) needs to get their heads out of their asses and work together. Let me tell you this investigation is serious. Bernie always says the right things but John Kasich at the end of the Town hall said hands down some of the best things I have ever heard that night. A conservative who sees both sides and at this point is wanting the Country over party first. Basically, is done with the party first bullshit. Here is some of the things that he said and I quote from the CNN town hall debate (By the way I do not own these quotes. They belong to CNN Overall. Special Thank you CNN for hosting this Town Hall. Fantastic Town Hall

‘’ Science matters...our environment matters.”- John Kasich

While saying he believes in the “traditional” form of marriage, Kasich said, “I don’t want to have anyone feeling oppressed...the decision that has been made by the court has been made and as far as I’m concerned, we move on. I don’t want anyone to be discriminated against.”- John Kasich from his Town Hall in April

"Settle down, love your neighbor like you want to be treated.’’- John Kasich

 That last one was hands down the best thing he said that night and overall the best thing that was said that night. It’s sad that friendships and relationships are falling apart because of the divided country that is being presented before us. Although I think what’s going on in our country is serious and an absolute fucking disaster especially with Billionaires owning our government basically and this country is basically a country for the upper class. Those in Washington like Bernie and Elizabeth Warren and then Governor Kasich have had enough because the truth is starting to come to light. This isn’t a joke anymore this is serious. Also, I originally thought that when Trump was running for president, because he was an outsider and most of the things that he has promised, he was going to keep. Obviously, that has not been the case. The one thing that I do agree with Trump on is while yes hold on a second people are going to be like oh my god you agree with the wall? You agree with him building a Wall? I did not say that. I do agree that we need to make our country safe again. Our cities safe again especially. Austin is a perfect example. Yes, it is growing but it comes with a price. Everything comes at a cost. Obviously, that isn’t happening when he is having secret meetings and revealing classified information to the Russians but as far as overall such as terrorists who are associated with ISIS etc. I agree. Especially when they turn our own people against us and it causes Cases of domestic terrorism. Now again as I have said, I don’t support keeping families apart. Also, and yes people are possibly going to Boo me for this but I never once heard Trump say ALL Immigrants. I heard him say all ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS!!! Those who have went through the process the right way etc. alright then yes, they have just as much of a right to be here. There are some though and it doesn’t matter where you are from, there are some who have ruined it for others because of the trust factor after doing things such as terrorism, killing people, smuggling drugs etc. I’m sorry but it is true and in this world, you have to be careful with who you trust and who you let into your house. Basically it’s like adding security to your home. There are some blacks (Ghetto people and Gangbangers) who ruin it for the rest. Whites (Corrupt Politicians and Cops) who ruin it for the rest. Some Muslims (Terrorists) who ruin it for the rest. Some Latinos (Gangbangers) who ruin it for the rest. I think you get where I’m going I’m this. That I do agree with. Again, I don’t have a problem with race or religion or sexuality or sexual preference etc. I have a problem with the kind of person you are, the way you act, and the things you do whether you do douche bag type of shit, criminal, or evil deeds. That I do have a problem with. For example, and I apologize as well to all my black friends and the good ones, definitely not trying to offend you. Just trying to make a point, but let’s say someone went up to a friend of mine who was black and called them a Nigger. Donald Trump hates Niggers and shit like you Niggers better go back to the holy Nigger land where Niggers go to die (I have a True story about that actually which I will tell here in a minute).  If I was right there and heard that I don’t care what you are, you say that to any of my black friends or people who I know that are black (all who are good people especially my Neighbor Daryl) or any innocent black person who is just trying to live a normal life. I will say something. I have a major fucking problem with racism especially towards my people. I’ll tell you a quick story. There was this one time I was downtown having lunch at a place where my homeboy Rod was manager at. We were outside. Me, Him, and our homeboy Eli. There is this crazy fucking messed up old lady who smokes a fucking lot of cigarettes comes up to Rod. Rod of course is working but he is also not an angry person. Of course, he has to keep his cool as well professionally. Understandable. So, I don’t necessarily remember how it got started but it ended with her going on a racist rant. Saying Shit like ‘’All you Niggers are the fucking same.’’ ‘’Fucking Niggers.’’ ‘’Fuck you ya fucking Nigger.’’ Just very inapposite and very racist.  While Rod is over there being calm, the old crazy hag walks off and says ‘’Yeah go to hell you fucking Nigger.’’ It was just like wowwwwwwwwwww ok you have problems. The lady is lucky that the laws favor that no woman is to be hit unless you are defending yourself or your family from serious danger. Otherwise honestly, I would’ve knocked the bitch out. I don’t care if you have mental problems. That is just wrong. You also don’t talk about my people like that because yes if the laws allowed that women can be hit there are a few that do need to be hit. I don’t normally condone violence on women because they are beautiful creatures and plus mostly they are innocent. Confused in some instances and just innocent. That is fine and understandable. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with them. There are others who don’t know better that do need to learn some lessons like for example crazy ones like That racist old lady. Rich women who think they are better than every other woman. My Stepmom……. Multiple times, Debbie Wasserman Schultz (Oh god would I do anything to smack that lying bitch cunt right in her fucking face. I’ll smack that bitch and fuck up that pretty little face of hers). I know that is wrong of me to say because I do love women. I do not normally condone Violence on Women, I think it is wrong but I would be lying if I said that there aren’t a few here and there who do need to learn a fucking lesson and it is no excuse to act the way they do like those who I have just listed. However then for those who are fucked up on drugs etc. who try to do fucked up shit or who are in relationships and continue to cheat on their loyal man. There are more but there is one that I wish I could and then another situation where if you fuck with any of my people especially women figure like my Mom, my little sister, any of my people here in town, or most importantly Camille or her family, pending on the situation I’ll fucking whack ya senseless. There’s one in particular that If I saw him messing with Camille, I’ll fuck him up. Her ex Spencer. Fucking scumbag. I’ll make my father sit that one out. I know Camille and him are together but I don’t want him having anymore to deal with than he already has with the Business and trying to get his legal dilemma taken care of so if I see that Fucking Cockmonkey Spencer Fucking with Camille, I’ll take care of him and let him know that he will not fuck with my people especially people who accept me for who I’ am. Alright I’ am getting off major subject. So, as I was saying, who cares if you are black, white, Latino, Asian, Muslim, men, women, Christian, Buddhist, atheist, Gay, straight, etc. I SURE AS SHIT DON’T!!!!! Neither should anybody else and it is sad. Now when it comes to shit like religion and what not, I don’t trust the entire set of views of a normal Christian, Muslim, Islam, and the rest of the religions especially because a lot of people who believe in those religions corrupted it and used it as an excuse to do horrible things. Priests raping little boys, Terrorists using the teachings of Islam and Muslim and turning the words into their favor as an excuse to perform acts of Terrorism, and just evil shit like that but however if you are a good person full of light and also not trying to shove your beliefs down my throat, I don’t care about people’s religious beliefs. As a matter of fact, here are my beliefs. I believe in a higher power. I Believe that we are all here for a reason. As far as Christianity goes, I do believe that god sacrificed his only begotten son to die on the cross for our sins. I Absolutely believe in that. However, I do have questions. Maybe as I’ve grown up more, I’m a little bit of an atheist but an atheist who does believe but has serious questions. Growing up I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I was told that if you believe in god and that you turn yourself over to him, good things will happen. Same thing with all the shit I heard in church. First of all, everybody is a hypocrite. Second, my questions are involving justice. My biggest question is why is it that bad things happen to good people? Good things happen to bad people? Like for example, Camille while she can walk fine, she does have a back problem. She is a sweetheart. Love her to death. Why is it that she is suffering from that? Then on the other side I see all these upper-class people who are cruel to others. Rubbing it in about how much money they have. Fucking People over. They get the good stuff. Cars, money, pussy, the nice houses, etc. Also, some instances they get away with serious crimes such as murders. Almost feels like they can get away with whatever they want. They show money to the prosecutors or jury or whatever and boom ok you are free to go. That is my stance especially when I have conversations with the religious people I know. If god is here, why is it that he lets bad things happen to good people. Then good things happen to good people. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have tried to pray and hand my life over to god and nothing major to help turn my situation around happens. Because of that, sometimes I have considered becoming an atheist with some not all but some belief in god. I do have some major questions that I would like answered from the holy one and I feel like they haven’t been answered yet. Not all has been bad and there has been some good. Like I Finally have a woman figure in my life who loves me for me and doesn’t try to fucking be a dictator to me. She is actually respectful of me and my situation. I Do not once again know the full story or what goes on behind closed doors. I Base it off what I see, and experience. And those things that I just listed are what I see most of the time on a day to basis.  Back to what I was saying about Trump, while we want to be welcoming to all, some of them do take advantage and also overstay their welcomes. We do have to be careful. Instead of just saying come on in make yourselves at home when we don’t even know the strangers who are stepping into our house. Are they going to steal something? Destroy something? What are they doing to do? Everybody is skeptical of somebody. I know a lot of people are skeptical of me. It doesn’t surprise me. Well in this instance, there are people who have ruined it for others in different types of groups or areas. That is the only thing I will defend Trump on. Does that make me racist or prejudice against a race? No. Especially because I do pay attention to the news and I do pay attention to stuff that others may not. Never once heard him say anything prejudice against a race. That and that I never heard him once say racist things. Now he did say offensive things about disabled people like making fun of that disabled reporter. That I don’t agree with. That I 100 percent am offended by. However, if I’ am wrong, if I missed something and he did actually say something, someone please tell me because the last thing I want is for people especially those I know or my good reputation with my guys to be put in jeopardy because of something I didn’t notice or accidentally offending somebody. I Don’t want any more issues especially issues like that. Otherwise on that, that is on the media. Everything that Is going on now, the media is not wrong for covering it because possible obstruction of justice, and possible involvement or possible colluding with a hostile government like Russia during the Election it’s serious stuff. Now we all in the world have our issues with the media, most times the media is a load of crap. They do sometimes report bullshit or fake news. Their views are bullshit. Most notably a majority of Fox News conservative views and then MSNBC coverage (which is why I’m a CNN Guy) and their views during their so-called savior Hillary Clintons election. I remember how they were celebrating when Hillary won the democratic primary. The coverage of Hillary Clinton’s victory speech was disturbing. Her coming out with her whole creepy very happy face. Waving and all like ‘’Oh my gawd thank you. Thank you so much. I couldn’t have done this without all of you. Thank you, god bless, you thank you.’’ Stupidest thing ever. I then was thinking to myself like well duh clearly bitch. Clearly you did and yet you were lying to our faces. It was just disgusting. I was sick. Of course, that was when I said right there with guilt in my voice ‘’Hello President Trump.’’  However, they are not wrong on a lot of other things either. Example, again although I just want what is best for the country and for the planet of course as well as I normally don’t root for anybody to fail (unless you fuck me or my loved ones over then I hope karma bites you on your ass), what is going on is a Complete disaster. Donald Trump basically lied. The most notable one that I can remember or think of was that he Promised he wasn’t going to cut Medicare, Medicaid, social security, health insurance, etc.

Now he’s attempting to do the opposite. A lot of people rely on all of those. I don’t know what exactly it will do to Obamacare (Which I’ am not on) but what I do know is that the rest of it is a disaster. Up to 24 Million Americans kicked off their health insurance because they can’t afford it? That’s a problem. A major problem. I worry that myself (I’m on Medicaid, have been my entire life) or somebody I know and care about and also someone they know and care about etc. losing it. Basically, just another example of this country making steps to go towards it being for the upper class. Middle Class disappearing. That is a major problem. The word private comes into play and it just bugs the hell out of me. Private Health care. Private Insurance. Private Companies. Private Armies, private shows, private doctors, and you know who can afford anything private? Rich people. The other thing that concerns me is that Trump’s cabinet. All full of controversies. Also, the fact that everyone in each department wants to defund that department like for example Betsy DeVos wants to defund the department of education. I Mean it concerns me and I’m worried about the future for our kids and future generations to come. The most important thing that concerns me is Trump’s stance on Climate Change. The Proof is in the pudding that it is real. Trump’s head of EPA Scott Pruitt, had some controversy regarding him ignoring Scientific reports that clearly showed Oil and Gas drilling are what caused earthquakes in Oklahoma and he failed to enforce Pollution rules that would have stopped waste from Chicken farms in Arkansas floating down the river into Oklahoma. During his Time as Oklahoma’s AG, Pruitt although he lost, he even attempted to sue the EPA over mercury, Methane, and even other environmental rules that were put there. Now let’s go to one last example, Rick Perry. I’m not even going to go there. What I will say is basically what Bernie Says. We need to stop relying on dirty sources of energy such as gas, oil, and fossil fuel and more reliable on clean energy sources such as Solar. Before I continue there is one person I want to call out right here before I come to a close on this chapter and begin to put a bow on it. I need to call out one Tomi Lahren regarding that health bill. Yes, I have a crush on you. Yes, I think you are beautiful. Yes, not all but a teeny tiny little bit of views are valid points that I agree with. Otherwise I don’t agree with the rest. However, during the beginning of the health care saga, I watched your recent video saying that it is even better than Obamacare although the new health care bill has flaws. Ok I will give you that. However, I hate to break it to you but this health care bill is a fucking disaster. Worse than Obamacare. Let me tell you why, millions of people will get kicked off their healthcare. Up to 24 million people. People who can’t afford the expensive prices of health insurance provided by these corporations. What happens to the old people who have worked their entire lives and are retired? People who are injured and can’t work? Who don’t make a lot of money at their jobs or their jobs going out of business? Hmmmm? Oh yeah and what happens if there is somebody you know or care about who relies on Medicaid or Medicare? Are you and for example your mom close? What if she relies on that insurance? News flash, she will get affected too. Unless you get special privileges as part of the upper class. Which again I wouldn’t be surprised. By the way you want to respond and challenge me on this, my twitter handle is PhoenixKnight00. I’ll be waiting sweetheart. Also bring some rum and some popcorn and we will make it a party. Oh yeah and you want to question my integrity as a person because I don’t agree with you? Don’t forget your ‘’conservative’’ views got you fired……. twice. Just saying. Ok so now that I have done that, now it’s time to put a wrap on this chapter.

I’m going to start this off by telling you all why I believe in Bernie Sanders and why he would’ve hands down been the best president we ever had. First of all, Bernie Sanders is what and who got me into politics. Before Bernie Sanders, I never really much paid attention to the news at first. The only news I ever paid attention too was ESPN and sports news and then outside of that whenever end of the world news or predictions were being made because I used to be scared of that shit. I remember one time whenever I left Missouri after visiting my Mom in 2012 during the whole Mayan calendar saga, I was upset. I was scared. I was having nightmares about watching my mom die, my father die, and all my loved ones dying. Well as we all know since that was a major FAILED prediction by conspiracy theorists and crazy cuckoo nut jobs yet again, I gotten better with worrying. I don’t worry anymore. I still worry about what it does to Kids or people worse off than me. Otherwise, I have something I want to say really quickly before I get back to the main point of this chapter to conspiracy theorists who constantly fail predictions, when are you fucks going to learn? If you don’t want to live on this planet anymore, well then normally I don’t condone this as well but just…. well kill yourselves. If you really believe or want to not live then make it the end of the world. Just yours. First of all, Ya’ll are stupid. Second, you all are crazy and you need help. Third, to the religious Christian nut jobs who especially claim they know the bible beginning to end, remember these two Key verses. Matthew 24:43 and 1st Thessalonians 5:2. Both which clearly state that God will come when no one expects it. Like a THIEF IN THE FUCKING NIGHT!!! Hahahah you religious nut jobs who constantly make these failed jobs claim you read the bible every day? HAHAHAH NOOOOOOOOOO You don’t cause if you did, you wouldn’t make these retarded predictions. Back to Bernie now. When I first started paying attention to the news and I saw Bernie Sanders for the very first time on TV bringing attention to the serious corruption issues within our own government and country along with other various issues, it got my attention. He got my Attention. I started to watch more and more of his speeches and every time he was in a debate or town hall, I will not miss it. That’s how much I grew to admire Senator Sanders. His motto even won me over. ‘’A Future to Believe In.’’ Meanwhile your classic normal politician has a stupid and some non-getting people to believe in your mottos like ‘’I’m with Her or Him.’’ ‘’Ross for Boss.’’ ‘’I Like Ike.’’ Or here is the worse one. ‘’Building a Bridge to the 21st century.’’- Bill Clintons Slogan during his term. Bernie brought attention at least to me and others but I don’t know about the millions and millions of the rest, about the truth of what is going on and that is the middle class is disappearing along with the already disappearing lower class. That a majority of billionaires and corporations are running the show now. It’s killing people’s incomes, the planet, property taxes, and well a lot of other things I can’t think of. Buying elections in exchange for favors from the politicians they donated too. Its sick but Bernie is exposing that more and more if it hasn’t been exposed enough already. That is a president I can get behind. Personally, Donald Trump and Hillary stole that from him. If Bernie would’ve been the nominee as the Democratic party although again the two-party system is a load of bullshit, I think you should make it one member from the Republican party, one from democratic party and then an independent, but if he would’ve been running against anybody…...without a doubt hands down he would’ve stomped all their asses. Why? BECAUSE HE WAS THE RIGHTFUL CANDIDATE!!!!! HE WASN’T JUST YOUR AVERAGE EVERYDAY BULLSHIT POLITICAN!!!!!! LIES AND SLANDER AND BROKEN PROMISES!!!!! HE WAS REAL, HE WAS ABOUT UNITY, HONESTY, AND THE TRUTH!!!!! BERNIE SANDERS SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE NOMINEE FOR THOSE GODDAMN DEMOCRATS AND THEN THE PRESIDENT!!!!! NOT TRUMP AND YES NOT CROOKED HILLARY!!!!! I really pray to god Bernie runs again in 2020 and Kasich is his choice for Vice President. That would really be the best thing for this country. So much good could be done. Now as for everything else, let me just say this, I really hope that this Trump thing will bring Congress together to work together to repair this country. People can say oh it is fine and better than ever. I’ am sorry to say but no it’s not. It is slowly falling apart. I cannot control other people’s views and they can’t control mine. However, I see so much wrong with this country and this society. As far as everyday goes, I don’t know what else to say but the state of our country Is in serious jeopardy unless you are in the upper class. A group of people in Washington or where ever need to step up and start the process of ending Citizens United because it was obvious that it became a way for Billionaires and Corporate Scumbags to get more money in their pocket and you want to talk about Disaster? Citizens united is a Fucking Complete Disaster. Mr. President, if somehow someway you are reading this, you want to get the rest of Congress behind you when you are already in deep shit, I’ll tell you this, you can first start off by ending citizens united. Now you are not my president. I didn’t vote for you or Crooked Hillary. But if you want to make your presidency not a complete fucking disaster then start off first by ending citizens united. Then if being president is hard then either resign or do the right thing, follow through with your campaign promises that you made to people who were worried about their health care being cut or their Medicaid or Medicare being taken away and just drop this disaster of a healthcare bill. Also stop lying. Most importantly, somebody has to step up. Right now, things may be a little bit of a disaster on the outside but more alright. What happens when someone or the corrupt people in Washington does something very controversial like close to this health care bill? Sooner or later, if people keep getting screwed then ISIS, The Russians, and then of course Kim Jong Un and North Koreans will be the last of this country’s issues. There will be a rebellion where people are tired of the government. They will take it back and since it’s middle class, and lower class maybe some of the rare few higher-class people against the corrupt politician’s aka most of Washington and the 2%, yeah, we all know who will win that fight. Now I’m not endorsing that. Last thing I’d want is for war on our own lands especially when we have groups like ISIS, The North Koreans and yes even The Russians who I wouldn’t be surprised about if true that they all want to kill us. Clay Travis on fox sports said it best the other day. To stop somebody who’s religion or beliefs are in that killing a large sum of innocent people will bring them glory or too the heavens, yeah that’s difficult. However, it’s why classism is a much bigger problem than anything else. So, to end this, Mr President if somehow someway you are found innocent which again I’ am not wishing anything bad on you. I’m not wishing bad on anybody unless they are evil, or any enemies of mine or my loved ones, then I hope somehow you can prove me and millions of people who have every right to be concerned right now wrong. What’s going on right now is not ok!! I pray that this gets fixed before It gets too late. Do the right thing Mr. President. Otherwise, things could get worse. To anybody out there, one more thing I will add is that if there Is one thing you can take away from this, maybe the Unpredictability of Donald Trump is what wakes everybody up and brings us all closer together.

I have one more thing to say regarding the race thing and the hypocrisy thing along with something to say regarding recent allegations against Trump’s son Eric with a shot fired towards most of rich people in case I haven’t said it already. While I agree and I still stand by what I said that nobody should never ever be judged on race or the color of your skin, the hypocrisy behind it is just stupid. First of all, this is going back and in response to the Bill Maher controversy even though I think the whole thing to just lost your shit over it was just dumb. So, what happened was, Bill Maher a couple of weeks ago during an episode of Real Time was interviewing a Nebraska Senator. The main subject was people still working in the field. Well I don’t necessarily have the transcript in front of me but the Nebraska Senator jokingly said you should come work for us. Bill then jokingly said ‘’Senator, I’m a house nigga.’’ People just lost their shit and it became a national story even thought it was on HBO. Ok first of all, Black people make fun of us all the fucking time. Black comedians especially. Dave Chappelle and Kevin Hart mainly. Now I don’t like Kevin Hart because he just annoys the hell out of me but Dave Chappelle is fucking hysterical. Second, if black people want to end the word Nigga completely then stop using it. All these ghetto motherfuckers and rappers and shit still use it all the time. Bill never said it as a malice disrespectful attempt towards Black People. HE WAS TALKING ABOUT HIMSELF!!!! I get that the N word is a very sensitive word. I’m not denying that one bit. Absolutely not but it’s just stupid that you can’t say anything these days without people getting their panties up in a bunch and getting offended. It’s just stupid. I mean shit we don’t lose our shit when Black people especially black comedians make fun of white people. Why? Because it’s funny. Inappropriate comedy and raunchy comedy is funny. So funny that we all want to shit ourselves. I mean people just need to chill the hell out. I mean I’ll be honest, and I have a confession. I have used it before but never as a malice or disrespectful shot at black people. I have said it accidently in front of black people before rarely and I mean very very rarely but even they know that it was an accident and I immediately apologized especially because I have nothing but the utmost love and respect for the black community as long as they are good people. I used it with my white people before but calling them that. Why? Because number 1, its shittalking amongst everybody. Two, because I know to never use it purposely in front of black people. Three, I know a lot of amazing people who are black. Some of them, close friends of mine. Again the ones I talk too even said that the ghetto folk are the ones that are ruining the reputation of black people with them going out all the time dealing drugs, raping women, stealing cars, killing others, involved in gang activity. However it’s not just black people. Certain white people do it too. Latinos, Hispanics, Mexicans, etc. All do it. That’s why no one should never be judged by race or the color of their skin and you know the rest. Personality and what they do is the key. Also again Classism is the bigger issue than Racism. Does that make me racist what I just said? Hell no. It makes me real and it makes me see both sides of the picture. I have nothing but love for the black community, the white community, the Asians, Latino’s, Mexicans, Muslims, etc. If you are a good person though If anything, again I’m more of a classist where unless I know somebody and they are good people or famous musicians, athletes, and celebrities who are also good people and have actually worked hard and worked for everything also who didn’t have MOMMY AND DADDY HAND THEM EVERYTHING TO CONTINUE THEIR SPOILED ENTITLED PRIVIELEDGED COCKMONKEY ASSES, the average everyday rich person and what not, chances are I fucking don’t like you. So while I understand that racism is a very sensitive subject, people need to stop being so hypocritical. We could lose our shit whenever black people especially comedians call us crackers but we don’t because it’s funny and they make it funny. I get that comedians can sometimes cross the line and I’m not denying that or am I denying racism. I know it is alive but there is stuff that both sides can do to end it completely. ALL LIVES MATTER!!! NOT JUST BLACK, NOT JUST WHITE, NOT JUST WOMEN, NOT JUST MEN, NOT JUST ASIAN, MUSLIM, LATINO, ALL LIVES MATTER!!!! Racism is and always will be a problem but not as big as Classism. Which brings me to my next thing and it’s regarding the crazy right-wing supporters such as ones who claim that they voted for candidates because they were supposedly gods people and stupid shit like that, rich people and the president’s Son Eric. So the other day, Eric called out Democrats for not being people. Saying that they aren’t people. Yet he is allegedly being accused of stealing charity money from a charity golf tournament that was raised for a children’s hospital and putting it in his family’s organization. As if they weren’t already rich enough. If it is true, really? Stealing money from a children’s hospital to make your lying rich asses even richer. I’m not saying it’s true yet but if it is, what a shame what a shame. Which brings me to something I need to get off my chest. Unless you are any of my people (most notably my Brother Darby or Melissa or any of my family), or my guys or whatever because I do not want to insult them, the rest of the majority of most people which I however do not care if I insult because it needs to be said like most old right-wing folk claim that republicans are for them and that they are god’s creatures. Well I hate to break it to you but they are not for you. The only ones that are for YOU are Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, and John Kasich (Who is a conservative but is hands down probably my only favorite republican and conservative) because they are done with the whole Party first bullshit and plus they aren’t for rich people anymore. If they and I’m talking about majority of the rest of congress were god’s creatures and they were for YOU then they wouldn’t do stupid disastrous deals to fuck over the middle and lower class while giving upper class billionaires tax breaks and to make their lying already rich asses already richer. So crazy religious voters etc. here is some advice for you, if you feel like you have been abandoned by the government, don’t vote for people like Bush, Trump, Reagan. Or most of the people who are in congress. Especially those who claim to put country first but instead they put the party, themselves, their billionaire friends, and then the billionaires’ friends’ other billionaire’s friends first. Put people like Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, and John Kasich who have stopped putting themselves and the party first and instead are actually putting YOU first!!!!! Just my advice and honestly the right way because I don’t mean to brag, actually I do because I’ am right on this.

 To all the politicians throughout our country unless you are Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, and John Kasich, I have one question for you. Are you ready for this? You Sure? Ok here we go. WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO STOP ACTING LIKE POLITICANS AND START BEING AMERICANS AGAIN? HMMMMMM? WHERE IN THE HELL ARE YOU?!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!?

  With that, I end this chapter.

#BernieKasich2020 #AmericanRevolution #AFutureToBelieveIn #AllInThisTogether #NooneisaboveTheLaw #CitizensUnitedMustGo

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                                          Austin, Texas Today

                                 Chapter Song: Danny Brown-I Will

                     ‘’If anything, I’m more of a classist. I hate rich people, I hate hipsters and I hate crazies unless you are somebody I know and Is a good person but for the most part I’ am a classist.’’

                    ‘’I get that every city has problems. I’m using Austin as an example though because it does have problems that not a lot of people including our city officials are not paying attention too.’’

Austin, Texas. Home. My home for the last 6 years. A beautiful city. A City with lots to do. Is it going to be home forever? I don’t know yet. That is either going to be anywhere in the Dallas Fort Worth Area, Miami, San Marcos, Waco, or if I were to move back to Missouri one day it would be in Columbia or Kansas City. Maybe even somewhere else that the universe might have planned for me. I just don’t know yet. I can’t even begin to tell you how many people I have pissed off with what I’m about to write about. Also, some that I was friends with but then I lost them or came close to losing because of our difference of opinions regarding the city of Austin. Look I have no problem with people having their opinions. There are many great things that make Austin a great city. Scenery, Beautiful Landmarks, traditions, etc. That does not mean that it is going to come free though. Everything comes at a price. I hate to break it to you but there are major problems that if this city cannot get their heads out of their asses to see the truth and stop caring about the money along with giving the media free access to basically get all these corporations and rich people to move here etc. then I’m sorry but this place will become a shit hole. I Do have some issues not only that I personally have but also that are legit concerns of many other people here in the City who may have been here longer. In this chapter I’ am going to discuss said issues and I’m going to give my take. Austin for now is still a great city for now, but there are things that I’m starting to notice again with many others doing the same that need to be fixed or otherwise good ol Austin Texas won’t be just good ol Austin Texas anymore. It will be good ol Corporate Austin Texas for the rich privies and then for the rest who have been here longer, it will become a shithole. Just like the rest of what our society is becoming. You can say I’m overreacting, go ahead. I don’t have anything at this point for the most part to lose except my guys and then the very true people in my life I have left but otherwise I do pay attention and I do see what I see. I don’t have a problem with people who love the city. I still love many great things about this city but it is declining. There are some who do not pay attention. I get the economy but again it comes at a price and some of what I’m about to share will include stories I have heard on the news such as the Haruka Weiser murder on the UT Campus. There is no problem with it growing but it is growing in an immature way.  Here we go.

 1.    Traffic: The Traffic here is a fucking nightmare. It is always a nightmare every damn day. It is a rare occasion when it’s good. Its normally early early morning like 3am or 4am when it is really good but otherwise it’s rare to find times of day. I-35, 183, 290, Mopac, Highway 1, jeez almost anywhere but Downtown except during Rush Hour everyday but the weekends. Otherwise everywhere you go, the traffic is a fucking nightmare. Ways to fix the problem are presented but is the city going to take those measures? Mayor Adler was talking about Smart Corridors. Last year. Haven’t heard anything since. As a matter of fact, here is some of what he said during his blog just about this same issue from Medium.com. (I do not own this blog and by no means I have any issue towards Adler. I heard he is a nice guy and that is good. I’m talking about the overall picture just like how I talked about with our country and the world)

‘’The problems we’re facing are clear to everyone: Picture North Lamar Boulevard, which the state built way back when as the old Dallas Highway. Now we use it as a local road, and it can’t hold all the cars. Buses make traffic worse when they stop to pick up passengers. The original designers never imagined that residential neighborhoods (and schools and convenience stores and bus stops) would grow up around the highways, so they never built sidewalks in many cases, and forget riding bikes in traffic. Too dangerous.’’

‘’Put another way, we’ve finally figured out how to fix traffic the Austin Way — a smarter way that works for everyone. It’s not cars versus bikes, safety versus congestion, neighborhoods versus developers, or any other iteration of the old divisions that have stymied Austin for decades. The Smart Corridor bond approaches old problems — too much traffic and not enough public transportation, sidewalks, and bike infrastructure — in a smart, holistic way that helps us all work together.’’

 ‘’The answer was in the corridor plans, thanks to all the public input that neighborhoods and stakeholder put into them. To relieve traffic congestion, boost rapid transit, make it easier and safer to walk and bike, and help us manage growth, we need to reject the old way of looking at these problems that sees only cross purposes and instead focuses on our common goal: making the roads work for everyone.’’

 ‘’ The answer was in the corridor plans, thanks to all the public input that neighborhoods and stakeholder put into them. To relieve traffic congestion, boost rapid transit, make it easier and safer to walk and bike, and help us manage growth, we need to reject the old way of looking at these problems that sees only cross purposes and instead focuses on our common goal: making the roads work for everyone.’’

‘’Turning the old state highways into Smart Corridors means making basic, simple changes such as installing smart traffic lights that can be timed remotely and automatically, putting in turn lanes and medians so you’re not stuck behind someone waiting to turn left, adding pullouts so buses get out of traffic when letting passengers on and off (and cue jumps so they can get a head start on traffic), and building sidewalks and protected bike lanes so people can get where they are going safely.’’

 ‘’Because a Smart Corridor would be good for vehicle traffic, many people assume that it would be anti-bike, anti-bus, and anti-pedestrian. This is not at all true. Got a bike? You get a safe way to get around on busy streets. Same with kids and their parents walking to school or just in the neighborhood. And if we are smart about it, we can direct new housing along the transit corridors to put the bus riders along bus routes, all the while protecting neighborhoods. This is what managing growth looks like: transit and riders along transit corridors, increasing capacity where we want it (along busy streets) instead of where we don’t want it (in the middle of existing neighborhoods).’’

 ‘’This plan also addresses infrastructure deficits in some of the most vulnerable parts of our city. Too many in Austin are walking in ditches instead of on sidewalks alongside busy roads or standing in the rain or hot sun at unsheltered bus stops. That’s wrong, unsafe, and unfair, and we can fix it.’’

Post quote. Mayor Adler I respect you but I have to ask the question, yes, the city can fix it but are we going to fix it? This was from July of Last summer. I haven’t heard anything since and I look at the local news on the KXAN app on my phone every day. If I may have missed it alright however and to every city that may read this one day, here is the truth, if there is a set of issues that are staring you right in the face and you say there is something that can be done and you then wait, I have one piece of advice. DON’T WAIT!!!!!! Just do it. Why do I say that is because it is not smart and yes, it is stupid to wait until shit hits the fan to start fixing the problems. If you say you are going to do something then do it. Don’t wait. Just fucking do it. Also, yes, I hate to say it and people are going to boo me but how about maybe adding some toll roads. Maybe like one on each major highway here in the city. That could help because then the city and the government can actually get out here and see it for themselves as well as if (And yes there are people who legitimately hold up traffic) people are holding up traffic, those who do it are fucked because they have one of two choices they can either go through or the highway patrol will arrest your ass. It’s one result of the immature growth which I will address at the end of this chapter.

 2.    Crime: Once again as listed in the world today, it does not matter about race. White, Black, Latino, etc. they all commit crimes. A few bad apples from each race will make their choice. Choices to rape women, deal drugs, rob stores, murdering people, it does not matter, people in each race will do it. It doesn’t matter. That’s not the issue. Don’t also give me the crime is everywhere bullshit, I know that I’m not an idiot. The issue is and I don’t care what an article says, not all articles are accurate and I don’t give a damn what anybody tries to tell me, crime has risen in Austin. As the years have gone by of me living in Austin, I’ am seeing more and more articles about crimes committed in Austin. In the last 2-3 years, I have seen more stories about homicide investigations after bodies are being found than I have seen my cock getting inside some pussy and getting wet and that’s a lot because I’ve never gotten laid. Gangs are starting to increase in this city, areas that used to be safe such as Campus, south congress, Round rock (Although it is its own area) etc. are not safe. I have something to say about Campus not being safe here shortly but wait until the homeless part which in a way is kind of a continuation of Crime. Now, again crime is everywhere. I can’t really explain how it normally increases. What I do know is that it is probably because of the immature growth and with the property tax. Austin used to be one of the safest cities in the World, but as more and more premature growth occurs where it is the whole oh just come on in without making improvements that will make your area sustainable, clean, or safe like someone who just got done hosting an orgy the night before and is now trying to get the house cleaned back up to make sure there isn’t god knows what contaminating the house before he or she has relatives coming into town. Does that make sense? I know it is a stupid example but I figured I try to make this somewhat funny. Crime is everywhere but it just seems like it is increasing more and more especially here in Austin because of this immature growth. Montopolis, way in the east 6th street, east Cesar Chavez, Rogge, used to be the only crime infested neighborhoods. Now it is increasing in areas that used to be safe. That is all I’m going to say on that.

  3.    The cost of Living/Starting to become more of a city for Rich Folk (Part 1): I was going to do homeless people next but I’m going to wait until number 5. Number 3, and I have to blame the media for this. Does anybody remember Detroit? Detroit used to be a wonderful city back in the 90’s. Lots of unique stuff to do. Now it is a shithole. Only downtown for the most part and the rich neighborhoods are where it is the safest in Detroit. Slowly that is what Austin is starting to become like. Because you have all these corporations opening up new businesses or a location for their extending company. Also, because you have all these fucks who move here from California who again DING DING DING MOST OF THEM ARE HIPSTERS!!!! Which is where I blame the media. THEY ARE IGNORING THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!! While we can’t stop growing in any city, Austin Texas is growing immaturely. All these fucks from California and New York come here with their money their fancy ass I’m a pussy who inherited this money from mommy and daddy and now I’m the owner of a billion-dollar corporation corporate fuck. You know what it’s doing it is raising the property tax immaturely which is probably and yes, it is a big cause of the Crime population rising and the homeless population rising. Which again because of the property tax rising, guess who gets the money into their pockets? It is the city and if anybody from the city wants to come after me or what not, go ahead. I’m exercising my first amendment rights. Freedom of speech. Not because it is my right, it is because I’m part of the few who pay attention to the truth. It is a cause of those two things I just listed because it is kicking people out of their homes who can no longer afford it. Some who then can’t afford to live anywhere else in this country. United States of America? Hah how about United States of Corporate America. Because that is what it is. You know what happens to those who get kicked out who can’t afford to leave the city to find somewhere else to live? They become homeless. They either snap because at this point the government doesn’t fucking care about them or they have to do what they have to do to survive. The media is at fault because they are ignoring the truth. Many more Austin Locals are joining me when we say to the Articles we see online or hear some famous person etc. saying oh how great is Austin Texas and that it is number 1 no wait I mean THE NUMBER 1 CITY IN AMERICA without seeing the truth that it comes at a cost to shut the fuck up. Because of it, more of these rich corporate hipster folk are just immediately jumping on board and as a result of it Locals who have lived here for years who are lucky to find another place to live leave when this has been their home for as long as I can remember.

 4.    Rich People plus now a festival for every goddamn thing imaginable and SXSW how much of a fucking nightmare it is: Ok this next one, really it has to do with yes, a little bit more continuation of the last part but it has to do with more festivals for every FUCKING thing imaginable. First of all, I love ACL. I’ve always wanted to attend ACL. ACL is classic Austin fest. I have absolutely no issue with ACL Fest. It is pure music. Some really good acts come to ACL every year. Kendrick Lamar is coming to the 2017 ACL Fest and he is headlining. I can’t afford it but at least it is not like BLOW YOUR BRAINS EXPENSIVE so one year I’m going to find a way to go. I also do not have an issue with some of the cool events that come here. Comic Con, Texas State Fair, The Rodeo, some of the cool concerts or shows that come here, and yes even the Wing Festival. Here is what I have a problem with though, the rest of the festivals and shit that are coming here brings a large amount of rich people or people who mostly not completely but mostly are just plain and simple looking to get fucked up. Almost like a what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas type of thing. Only instead it’s What happens in Austin stays in Austin. There is one festival that I’ am talking about in particular. South by Southwest. SXSW is a great festival for this motto. Interactive, Film, and Music. It is also great because it will make my people damn good money and then if I ever end up downtown one day it will make me some damn good money. Alright cool, I love money and I protect my money carefully. I Have a major problem however with most of the events being for people who can afford it and I mean very very wealthy. It is what it is. Yes, I get the free shows and stuff and if you get lucky, maybe just maybe you can see one of your favorite musicians who happened to decide to perform a free surprise show and yes it does bring famous people and celebrities from throughout which is cool. You may even get to run into one. That would be cool. However otherwise it is mostly for the party tourists and the rich people. I honestly blame the city a little bit but I’ll tell you who else I blame, I blame the SXSW organization. You have to have a badge to get into all of the really interesting stuff, the cool stuff. The prices are an outrage and just shocking. It’s basically like telling most of the locals since you are in our city to fuck off that we (Talking about South by) only care about your money and if you party and are rich then alright cool welcome. I probably wouldn’t be surprised if it is ran by hipsters. Probably is. Probably is ran by some long haired tacky clothes wearing hipster motherfucker. Alright now if somebody works hard to come up with a grand for that shocking arm and a leg price for the badge, ok cool. More power to you. If my people who are attending any of the events are having fun, definitely cool. If they are satisfied with making a fuck ton of money, then alright. Long as my people aren’t getting fucked with. Alright. Otherwise it is a party for rich people and party people. The difference between SXSW and the other festivals is SXSW is EVERYWHERE and other festivals are at one specific location which doesn’t make the City as Chaotic like South by. As for the partying, there comes a point where it gets out of control. The last two SXSW’S, there have been shootings but before that back in 2014, there is a man who went by the name of Rashad Owens. Anybody remember Rashad Owens? No? Alright well Rashad Owens was a young black man. He was troubled though. He was on the run already due to some legal troubles he had in Alaska. It was to the point where he had warrants out for his arrest. On March 13th, 2014, Mr Owens made a stupid mistake by getting so fucked up and shitfaced where he drove his car into a crowd of people. Two immediately died, two later passed away days later following the fatal injuries. Although he did try to run from the Cops, it is a blessing and a miracle that he recognized his mistakes and had remorse. It sucks that unfortunately that he had to pay the piper an even bigger price because capital murder is no joke ladies and gentlemen. I Still do pray for the victims and my heart goes out to the victims’ families who lost their loved ones and then my heart goes out to those who were a part of that horrible night who either survived or witnessed that horrible event but to those who have survived, my heart is happy for you. As well, because of Mr. Owens remorse for who he hurt because of his mistakes, although he will have to spend the rest of his life behind bars without parole, my heart does go out to him and I do pray that god will forgive him and help him find peace in his heart. It was a mistake, it was a stupid one, it is one that will live with him till he dies but I do wish him well. To the victims whose lives were taken, Rest in peace. Now for the shootings the last couple of years during South by, luckily no one was hurt. No one was killed but it did happen in the source of where the most irresponsible events and people are at, 6th street. This is what happens when crowd control starts to become a major issue which is what it has become each and every single South by. I get that it is a fun event for some. Money making event for most. However there comes a point where it does get out of control. If people want to have fun, ok. That’s fine. Some get irresponsible, ok. That’s fine. If you know how to handle it and know when enough is enough, alright then go ape shit. If you don’t then you got to look at yourself in the mirror dude. There will come a point where the crowd control will get so out of control and then more and more people will get irresponsible to the point where bad shit is going to happen. Crimes have even risen especially during South by. Some just because people are evil in this world and then others because people are just so infested and obsessed with getting so fucked up that they don’t care what happens and that is a problem. If the organization doesn’t figure out a way to make sure people are safe but yet they can still have fun, then as soon as a major crisis happens during their event then people are going to get tired of it. Shit I would not be surprised if petitions are being made to get them to wake the fuck up instead of being all about making money and partying. I really would not be surprised. I’m not talking about taking alcohol away, oh no no no. I’m talking about finding a way to get the crowd under control to where they can have fun and then still be safe. If they and yes, I’m basically calling them stupid, if they are smart enough to open up this organization and be in the positions they are in, then it shouldn’t be hard to find a way to keep the crowd under control, somewhat responsible but where they can still have fun and let loose. Why haven’t they done it? That’s my question. The thing that annoys me the most about the festival and this is just more of an annoyance. I have walked around this city a lot during south by over the years. Last year, I remember walking around during St. Patrick’s Day that night. Obviously, the worse night to do just that but I did it anyways because hey why not give it another shot. Well I was with one of my former best friends. We went but we obviously did not last long. All of the people fucked up. Navigating through 6th street during a Thursday night on St. Patrick’s night during South By, alright I think you know that is not the best time. While we were navigating through east 6th it was a fucking nightmare. My friend at the time was not himself so I ended up being the navigator. Well it was a pain in the ass and stressful especially being around a FUCK TON of people who were fucked up. Almost got into a fight with a few of them because they were pushing us mostly me and then giving me dirty looks. Others were screaming in my Face like ‘’WOOOOOO FUCKING AUSTIN!!!!!’’ and I don’t like that. I don’t like it when people scream in my face like that, because it’s just rude and I would’ve knocked them the fuck out. After that and then after dinner at WhichWich, we decided fuck this. So, we decided to head back to his place. Well as we were walking south towards Town Lake because that’s where we needed to catch a bus, we stopped for a few minutes at the bridge and it was just wasn’t a good night. That moment right there especially because so much was already happening in other areas of my life, it wasn’t pleasant. Of course, our well at this point my moment of peace was just interrupted by a bunch of partiers screaming and yelling. What annoys me the most is that most people not all but most people as well who move to Austin move here because of events like that, they just think that oh this city you can party all night long, get fucked up, fuck whoever you want, and just be irresponsible 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. It’s just annoying and irresponsible. It’s like they are still living in high school because in high school and somewhat college, it was all about the college experience. All fun and games. It’s just immature and annoying. As for the rest before I close out this part, the rest of the festivals (except ACL. HELL YEAH TO ACL IS awesome) it’s just annoying. These days it seems like there is a festival for everything in this city. Food and wine, Wings festival (I’m ok with that one again), etc. Like what next, Adler and Abbott one night double team Kim Kardashian and then now all of a sudden, it's going to be Kim Kardashian fest? It’s just annoying. Well if that is the case, I might have some suggestions. One in Particular. Longhorn Fest. Do it every year during the weekend of the red river Rivalry when we play Oklahoma. Or something for just us locals. Like ATX fest, to show appreciation to the locals who work hard or have done good things for this city etc. Really though, while I can appreciate that there is a lot to do in the city, more than what I was able to do in my hometown, I just wish that organizations who host festivals in our city can just make things a little fairer for us locals and safer. Example, South by again……

If they did the following then alright maybe I will jump on board.

A.   Make your website to where you have to sign in or make an account to buy the damn badges and make a damn database to where if you are a local take 300 to 500 dollars off. If you are an out of townie then it stays the same. Make the database or policy to where it can do that. If they are smart enough to be where they are at then they should be smart enough as well to not only make the festival just a little safer but to make their fucking money-making badges cheaper for the locals. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times that I wanted to go to shows but you had to have a FUCKING badge to do that. B. Make the festival and the policy safer just a little bit. I’m not Talking about Martial Law type of safe, I’m talking about getting the crowd under control. Or like even more staff at bars and shit. That is just chaos right there.

      When you have to deal with this for 9 days once a year where a bunch of out of townies come from where they are at and they basically treat this like a party pad where anything goes and they don’t have to play by the rules where this also basically becomes their city then yeah, it’s like what the fuck ya know? South by does that, and the out of townies don’t get out of control then alright I’m on board. Otherwise, Welcome to Austin then 4 words DON’T FUCKING MOVE HERE!!!! We already have an overcrowded city and it’s just going to make things worse. When it is Tourists do whatever the fuck you want time, ok get it out of your system and then when time is up DON’T FUCKING STAY!!! PLEASE GET THE FUCK OUT!!!!!!!!

  5.    The final one. The homeless and the mentally unstable situation that also has to do with the crime part: Alright, this one I’m probably going to have the most to say on. Number 2 and 5 both have somewhat to do with each other. All of it for that matter has to do with each other but this one, I’m going to unleash. The homeless problem in Austin is a fucking major problem. Not all homeless people are bad. I know one personally and he is a good guy and I also know that there are always a few others who are legitimately trying to get out of their situations and turn it around especially if they get fucked by the system but the rest which is a good chunk of what I see on a day to day basis is a major problem. Shit I see it increasing more and more. Definitely in areas that used to be safe and not as infested are now becoming more infested. The things I see on a day to day basis from homeless people, it’s disturbing but it’s more sad. Talking to themselves, going apeshit, trying to panhandle for money just so they can go out and buy drugs and alcohol. Good lord it’s just gross. Even violently panhandling people for money for their addiction. In regard to areas that used to be safe, I have a perfect example. I have a question for everybody. Do you want to know why I have been saying Haruka Weiser? Well Haruka Weiser was a freshman at UT who got murdered by a homeless person last year who had mental problems. She was walking around campus one night by herself heading back to her dorm from the Drama Building which what I assumed she was part of a drama club for acting. Unfortunately she never made it home that night and she was found dead in Waller Creek that Friday if I’m not mistaken. There was a young man by the name of Meechaiel Criner. He was 17 years old at the time. He was the suspect of Haruka Weiser’s killing. Now I did some background check on some articles from KXAN and the kid had problems that weren’t necessarily his fault because he did have to live in a bunch of foster homes and he was bullied. He even came home crying every day and his foster families from what I read ignored him. He was not a bad kid but he did have mental problems and he was homeless at the time. However what he did was first degree murder so he did know what he was doing. My question is why Haruka? Why was he on campus that night? What was being done to help prevent this from happening before? He was homeless, he had a fucked-up home life throughout his entire life. He had nowhere to go. Not a lot of options and I will get to my response to the city here shortly but seriously why was he on campus that night? Blame has to go all around to everyone but Haruka and Haruka’s loved ones. She was from Portland for fuck sakes. She was a beautiful young lady who had so much to live for, and here we are having mental unstable crazy people (while yes, I understand he had a fucked-up life) like Meechaiel Criner roaming the streets. It is just an example of many. So many fucked up things with homeless people going on in this city. Here’s something more fucked up, not a lot of facilities to get these people into so they can get the help they need or the medications they need to help them with their problem. There’s only one homeless shelter and it’s the one on East 7th street. Even then every time I go by there, I just see a bunch of them all crowded outside, all messed up and getting fucked up and that’s just the tip of the iceberg with the homeless problem in the city. Seriously, everywhere I go in this city probably except for Southpark Meadows, all I see is homeless people everywhere and most of them are mentally unstable. The city and yes, the police have to do something about this. First of all build more shelters and facilities even if it is just like 3 or 4 more of each. You obviously have enough money for all these fucking bars, restaurants, housing, Condos, etc. for crying out loud to keep putting money in your pockets how bout you use your infinite source of unlimited money and keep the city safe and get these people the help that they need. Second, I don’t care if you have to force the ones who don’t want to go. You fucking drag them if you must. Third, and yes this is true, stop dragging most of them from fucking California. Stop taking them in from California. California, Missouri, New Orleans, or just anywhere. State or cities. That is their problem. Not ours and it shouldn’t be our problem. The homeless population is getting so out of control as well to where stuff like the murder of Haruka Weiser keep happening. What are you going to do Austin? Hmmmm? People are going to say again but Sky there are homeless people everywhere in the country and world? Ok yes, I get it. Again do not tell me something I already fucking know. There are homeless people all over the country and yes probably world. Anybody who says that is correct, including me. I know, I’m not stupid. However from what I have seen so far, Austin has the worst problem. I’ve been to other cities. As a matter of fact here is some of the major cities I have been too and I’ll tell you what I have seen…

-Miami: When I was in Miami last summer, I barely saw a homeless person in sight. Me and the old man explored a good chunk of Miami. Miami has their shit together. Besides, I love the city of Miami.

-Kansas City: More quiet. More peaceful. Not as fucking nuts. As far as the homeless problem goes, same as Miami. However there were more but they weren’t everyfuckingwhere in the city and then some wherever you went.

-New Orleans: Bourbon Street. Otherwise the rest of the city is pretty normal.

-Houston: Saw some downtown but Houston was already big so honestly, I don’t know and I should because I have been there many times.

-Waco: None

- San Marcos: None at all.

-Columbia: None well that’s not true. I did see one here and there.

-Oklahoma City: West side was a little rough

-Tulsa: None

-DFW Area: A little bit like Austin but not much.

 So anybody who dares to try to test me and say Oh Sky you don’t know anything, oh believe me I do know something. I know a lot more than you think. I get that there is still so much to see so yes you are right on that but until I get proven wrong just like on a lot of things, Austin right now hands down is the worst when it comes to Homeless people. It’s increasing by the minute almost every day. While there are good people who for real got screwed by the government and who are trying to get their shit together, most of the rest are roaming the streets doing god knows what. It is a problem. What is the city going to do about it? Right now it seems like nothing.

 6.    The Construction Always Holding People up: One thing to say about this, most of the time when there is a construction area, most of the time there is nobody there doing A DAMN THING!!! When you do see workers, they are not doing a damn thing!!! Every time for the most part when I’m by one or close to one, that is what I see most of the time.  Do your jobs and then fucking do whatever. Don’t just stand around and do nothing. It is also a part of the traffic problem. Happens almost a lot throughout the city and my bus route.

  Ok so here we are with Closing. I’m going to close it with this. It is not too late to fix the issues that our city has and they aren’t normal issues folks, they are BIG ISSUES. It’s just like majority of congress, Scientists and Bernie Sanders back and forth with Donald Trump, and The Republican Party in regard to Climate Change. Obviously, climate change is real. Bernie, Majority of Congress, scientists etc. believe that is real especially with the scientific research behind it by some of the best scientists in the world. It is but Donald Trump and the Republican Party continue to not believe it and deny it. That is how I’ am when it comes to our city. It is still a great city for now but there will come a point that if the city for once in their lives and this is with any city, any state, any country, and anybody in the world can just stop being about fucking money for once, then we can get this under control. Why do I say Austin? Well this is them normally, we want more. Build build Build. Come on in. Cha Ching. Oh wait we want even more. Build more condos, build more condos, build more condos. Thanks for your money but wait we are not done. WE WANT EVEN MORE…… BUILD EVEN MORE CONDOS, MORE CORPORATE OFFICES, BUILD MORE HOUSES, INVITE MORE RICH PEOPLE, RAISE THE FUCKING PROPERTY TAXES. OK COOL BUT WAITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT WE WANT MORE!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you see where I’m going with this? Money and power is getting to their heads to the point where it’s blinding them. This is with any city and I hope any city official or whatever from any other city who reads this takes this seriously and looks at the Detroit situation as an example. If the city can do the right thing and fix the problems and I mean the major problems that we have here in Austin first without the constant immature growth then once you fix it then ok continue to build but what the city is doing is trying to get more of what they want etc. without looking or building a strategy to prevent major backfire down the road. Austin Texas is still a great beautiful city. For how long though? What is the city going to do?

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Lock= Nothing to worry about. People who have proved to me that they accept me for who I’ am and although we have disagreements, they take accountability for their actions. They have never left my side even when they had every right too. Also, who put forth effort in return. Honest with me finally. Who I will do anything for

My father

Veronica (My sweet VeeBear)

Richie

Camille

My Mom (Now)

My Grandma Bren

Corey

Evan

Brieanna

Uncle Dave

Chris (Andria’s Chris)

Andria

My Homeboy Chris (Starbucks Chris)

Aunt Carla

Darby (My Brother)

Millay

Walt

Grandma Sandra (I do need to do a better job keeping in contact with her)

Danny

Sam

Jonas

Brantley

Acacia

David

Adam

Alex

Willis

Natalya

Walt

My KC people (You Know who you are)

Grandpa Ben

Grandma Debbie

Jared

Lonnie

Rachel (Camille’s sister)

Daniel (Camille’s Brother)

Eli

Dave (Camille’s dad)

Robyn (Camille’s mom)

Drew

Uncle Kevin

Karen

Julian

Durgan

Curt

Mark-Ryan

Neil

Sarah

My Stepdad Jesse

Step-Step Mom Becky  

Will

Devonna

Judd

Jen

Uncle Mike

Aunt Erin

Tiffany

Mark

Robyn (My sister in law who I need to make my way home back just to see my brother so I can meet her and of course my beautiful Niece Oaklee)

Cara

Lundy

Joe

Millie

Melissa

Wes

MaryAnna

Glenn

Michelle

Titus

Jaimie

Nathan

Sage

Amanda (Sage’s girl)

Boji

Austin

Cortney

Jacob

Veronica (V.C)

Tony

Kay

Adam F. (You know who you are bro. My ultimate Fantasy Football Rival who plays with me in my CoMo Nights league. Love you brother)

Laura (Adam’s wife)

   About to be Lock= People who while I’ am becoming closer with, I hope to develop long term friendships/closer bonds with with going forward and keep it that way. Others, those who I have reconnected With

Laicee

David (Laicee’s husband who I still have yet to meet)

Caitlin

Carly                                      

Justin

Ryan

Brittani

Carrie

Jayne

Summer

Logan

Javier

Mollie

Karyn

Heather

Kelly

Wes (Former Starbucks Wes)

Nhi

Long

Mae-Rose

Kristina

Erin (One of my former Bosses)

Rob

    Need to tighten Up the chain/Repair the Key and lock= People who I still care about and accept and also who I hope don’t hate me now despite my imperfections over the years. Also split between that and those who I haven’t heard from in a while.

Jade

Rod

Tammy

Miranda

Kelsey

Amanda (Missouri Amanda)

Alexis

Aaron

Ivy        

   People who I hope to be able to make things right with if fate calls for it one day

Brittany

Marisa

 Then People I need to do a better job of reconnecting with

Almost my entire family back home.

Sharon (Nicks mom)

   As for the future. Whoever comes into my life, I hope to be able to add you to one of the top two lists. While I will be fair, honest, and do whatever I can to show you how much I care, I’m not going to be kissing ass.

 *Note-The lists are constantly updating. They will be going forward. People can be added to one of these, taken off, or switched up.

To everybody who has made this chapter, especially the top two lists but still every list on this chapter, I just want you to know how much I love you guys. I have a quick message for each group.

 To my Locks= You guys are on the best list of them all. Why? Because over time no matter how long whether it’s my entire life, over the years, or even when the first minute I met you and we hit things off really well where we are accepting of each other and we just know it that we were going to be close for a long time, you all have been accepting of me. You don’t bullshit me. You respect me as a person. You don’t look down on me. There have been many times where Ya’ll could’ve been like fuck you and walked away but you didn’t. You celebrated the good with me. Stuck by me when I was at my worse. You also don’t put everything on me like it’s my fault. Effort is coming from both sides where not all the effort has to be on me. Things may not be perfect. We may have our moments. We fuck up. But we get over it most of the time pretty quickly and work it out. You appreciate me for who I’ am. Despite my bullshit, you look past it. You are there somehow someway when it matters most. You also don’t try to shove shit down my throat Because of that, you are on this list. I want you all to know that I’ am so grateful for your appreciation, acceptance, and support over the years. Anytime as long as nothing serious life wise (work, very dire emergencies, etc.) are happening, anytime you ever need anything. Anytime of any day. Day or night. 24/7/365 a year, even just to vent, my door is always open. Oh, and by the way the lock list is the final list of people who are absolutely allowed to bother me during the season when it’s my time with my guys. I mean anything. Just to say hi, chat, to obviously the important like emergencies or rough nights. If you need help or just need someone to talk too, I’m here. Even if I don’t talk to some of you every single minute of every day, that doesn’t matter. I still love you all very much.

 About to be Locks= Over time especially recently whether up to 6 months to a year and also those who I may have recently reconnected with, you all are about to be locks. Pretty much close. I hope that while I may stand by most of everything else I have said in this book, as I have gotten to known you guys and for those who I have reconnected with, you see that I’m not a bad guy but I also think that you all are pretty amazing people and human beings, I hope you feel comfortable enough to come to me for anything you need. No pressure. I May have my moments, I’m not perfect but for those in the locks and then this one. We may also have our moments of disagreements where questions and irritations will happen but otherwise if you ever need me to be in your corner, I will be there. I hope this and then some proves that I mean everything I say.

 Key and Lock Repairs= I do miss you guys. Some of you may have gotten sick of my shit over the years. Others are busy. That is why I included in case those who I haven’t heard from in a while. That is fine. If somehow, we reunite, I hope you feel safe and comfortable enough to come to me about any issues you may have with me. I’d rather people be straight with me and we can try to work this out. I hope this book may help you understand possibly that despite my imperfections, everything I’ve been saying, I’m not lying about. That everything in this book is the truth I have learned and most importantly how I have been feeling. That you see that at the end of the day, I’m still the same ol friendly loving sky once you get into my inner circle also get to know me and that I’m trying to turn myself around although this hasn’t been easy. If this is indeed the end though whenever the time comes, while I do ask that you please remember that I tried to do the best I can and while I will not take the blame entirely for our issues or any potential one that may be our downfall because I do pay more attention in situations, I do love you guys and I will always cherish the great amazing memories we had. I will always think highly and I hope likewise. Otherwise if it is just an in general I haven’t heard from you in a while because we all are busy, well 4 words. I FUCKING MISS YOU!!!!!

  Who I hope to make things right with one day if fate calls for it because at the end of the day I don’t want problems with anybody? = Marisa and Brittany, you may have already seen my chapters I wrote on you.

Marisa, as a former woman who I once was in love with, I was not easy to deal with despite how fucked up I was. I was stupid back then. I’ am not now. I’ am very happy that you found someone who loves you for you and who doesn’t fuck with you. Congrats again to you and Joel. Even though we may not talk much anymore, if anytime at all you ever need anything and you decide to come to me, I will be there. No intentions but to just be there. I still love you as a spiritual sister. As a sister in Christ even though we have different views on it and live different lives. You are more successful and more settled in and down, I still have work to do (We all have work to do but you get my point) to get better. You are a Wonderful person Marisa. Don’t ever change.

 Brittany as for you, although I’d be lying if I said maybe I didn’t have a little crush on you but the non-douchebag way but it was more because you have such a sweet personality and heart of gold even if you still hate my guts, you became someone who I considered more of family and someone who I’m comfortable talking with and likewise. Even if it was for a short time, I was blessed and I will always cherish the great times and conversations we had, especially when we had that moment of being able to come to each other about anything. Definitely when you moved to Houston. Look I know I have said we both fucked up. You fucked up first but you have already apologized in 2016 even though it was more of a good bye because yes, I was losing it due to serious shit in other areas and yes, I was overwhelming. You have nothing to apologize for anymore. I hope that message in the Private Video showed you how much I meant everything I said. In case you haven’t seen it well then, I put the message I wrote in the chapter that I wrote regarding on our situation but no matter what, I said it already but im gonna say it again one more time, I’ am very thankful for the good times we had. No matter what type, they are happy memories. Despite everything that happened, I forgive you. I forgave you a while back. All I ask is that you understand that now because of everything else that has happened in other areas, it made me think and took a long look at myself, and anytime chaos happened in other areas over the last year and a half especially those that happened so far, this year (2017 is not ruined…...yet. Hopefully it doesn’t get ruined) I did think about our situation. Only this time I felt because of the way I acted as well, that it was karma coming to haunt me in retaliation. I Still stand by some of what I felt but otherwise I should’ve handled this differently. Just so you know that no matter what, you are 100 percent absolutely not a curse to my guys and Longhorn nation and as one final act of kindness and absolutely no pressure to support them, that is up to you. But as of tonight May 31st, 2017, as a hardcore member of Longhorn Nation who has established a great reputation within Longhorn Nation, I’ am officially placing the Curse on myself (I will never stop supporting them) but I’ am permanently placing the Curse to my guys on myself because it was absolutely wrong for me to call you a curse to my guys. It was inappropriate absolutely inappropriate and over the top to call you a curse to my guys especially on social media. No matter what distain you feel towards me, how annoyed you may get with me etc. That isn’t going to stop me from waking the fuck up and try to own up to my mistakes so I will say no matter what, get used to it sister haha. I Wish you nothing but the best and you do deserve nothing but the best. Don’t ever change.

  Then the people who I need to do a better job at keeping better with: I hope you know that I have not forgotten about you. I love you all so much. I have not been in a good place but I will do whatever it takes to show you that I have not forgotten about you. Please know that you can call me anytime. I miss you all. If I ‘am busy and I don’t pick up, I will get back to you ASAP. For those who have cell phones, texting is better because I can reply back faster.

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                        ---------------------------------Sex/Relationship Chapter --------------------------------

 This chapter right here, it involves one of my biggest frustrations. I’m a 23-year-old man and I have yet to have sex. This chapter is going to have some very personal stuff so if you want to skip that is fine. Otherwise I'm going to continue. Over the years as I continue to get older, plain, and simple…. I’m horny as shit. Having to hear people constantly talk about it, it's frustrating me. You really don't think I want to have a pretty girl in my bed naked and we're doing the business? Ha-ha you are mistaken if you don't think that I want that. I want that more than anything. Yes, I believe in treating a woman right. Always. I never want to use a girl just for sex I mean unless it's a friend with benefit kind of thing. That's fine. Otherwise when the time comes that I meet that special someone, it's not going to be about just Sex with me. Yes, I ‘am not going to be afraid on the other hand, I'm sexually frustrated. Probably the reason I'm also very frustrated. I see all these beautiful women on a day to day basis. I even see people who are psychically in not so great shape. Probably Sometimes worse but they get the finest of the fine. Probably because they have money. I'm smashing my head against the wall like fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck gahhhhhh I need to get laid because I do. Increasingly as years go by, I get more sexually frustrated. It pisses me off when others especially people I know talk about how it's the greatest fucking thing in the world. I'm not in the best shape right now. I was last year until the shit with my family started to happen. Then I was just like you know what fuck this what's the point?? I'm never going to get laid. Never going to get a chick for companionship because I'm not a fucking hipster, I'm not rich and as always when people get to know me, most of the time yet again they go running the other way. It's especially hard in this town because I'm also not a partier. Most girls in this town are looking to party. So, if you are rich, a hipster, or a fucking partier which I'm neither of those 3 then You're good to go. I'm not looking for a model type. Some of the chicks I've had a thing for were not model types. What I look for in a girl are these following things.

Number 1, you do not have to be a Charlotte McKinney type of chick. I don't care if it's a little bit chunky. Look at Jake Lindsey's (Baylor Basketball player) girlfriend from Baylor. She's a little Chunky especially on the face yet she's so damn beautiful. You don't believe me? Look. Some of the other chicks including a former Barista at my Starbucks were almost the exact same way. So, I'm not picky necessarily. Now if you don't present yourself well like you are a ghetto woman or trailer park trash then I'm not interested. That's a different story. I don't care who it is. White, Black, Latino, etc. I don't care about race. There are many beautiful women in all categories. It's your lifestyle and your personality that are important to me. If you are out getting in trouble with the law, or just trashy and don't take care of yourself or if you are a partier etc. then I'm not interested. Now I don't care if you want to go out and have a good time but if you are all about getting fucked up every night, no thank you.

2. If you treat my loved ones with respect. That's very important. You don't treat my loved ones with respect or if you fuck with them then you better fucking leave immediately because I will not tolerate that. No way.

3. Someone who will put forth the effort in return. Not all of it will be on me. Same thing with accountability. That is a pet peeve of mine if people don't take accountability for their actions. 95 percent of the time I will take accountability but if others don't. That does irritate me big time. I will not be afraid to call you out either. So just be prepared.

4. Who accepts me for who I ‘am and my situation. If I do things for them and when they need something or someone to talk too, I will be there but when I need it, I don't want to have to feel like what I say doesn't matter too.

5. As long as she's not all about money. As long as I don't have anything life related or whatever going on, most of the time I will do whatever she wants to do for the most part. However, when basketball season is around and my guys are playing, I don't care what anybody says including her but they will always come first. Especially because they have been the most consistent thing in my life. Now she has a choice, If she's a hoops fan especially a Longhorn then sweet. Definitely she's a keeper. I mean there is no doubt about that. To any woman who is a Diehard supporter of my guys, that hands down is a major bonus. That is a turn on for me. Does it sound weird? Yes, it does but you know what I don't care. It's something that has been a big part of my life. I don't care what she does if she isn’t interested but if she can't accept that then I can't accept her because she doesn't understand what my guys have meant to me and how much they do mean to me. That right there is very important to me when it comes to things I love. I have fantasy football and other things yes but my guys mean more to me more than anyone can understand. I remember as a fan of anything else, I'm more dancing and funnier. When it comes to my guys, I'm more intense and more into it. I don't do what others do. Now when we win our first national title which I know it's coming or anything big that we do then there's a chance you will see more of that from me. That I can promise you. I'm going to wait till my chapter where I'm writing about my guys and how much that experience means to me but my point being is my guys mean more to me than sex or any relationship. Don't get me wrong, I definitely will not deny sex and when a relationship comes my way I’ am all open but if it ever comes at the cost of my guys to where it's either them or sex and my relationship with someone, I'm going to choose them first every time. I mean that a lot. That is just the law of the land with me. Anything important in regard to my life yes that also comes first cause obviously my whole world isn’t going to revolve around our relationship. Otherwise as long as she isn’t a bitch and it doesn't cost me all of my money, I'm good man.

 Before I get to relationships, I want to go in depth about sex. You probably already know the one thing i said. If you don’t think that I want a naked girl in my bed, bodies rubbing against one another. Moaning. Balls slapping against her ass or her pussy. Inside of her. Cumming sucking on those tits. Eating her ass and pussy. Licking her asshole and her pussy. Kissing. Her mouth sucking on my dick. All of the wonderful stuff that goes along with sex. You are sadly mistaken. Honestly though as well, it’s about the connection. Did some research and the fact that while most of today’s society is just about getting it in. Fucking. Sucking. Dancing. Getting fucked up. There are others. Very few where it brings people closer together. It also gives you a stress reliever. A very healthy reliever. And also, apparently it gives you great exercise. I mean Jesus though, all these beautiful women. It feels like torture that almost errrrrbody getting some but me. Oh yes you want to know what pisses me off about it, when people talk about it for their lives and how they had it and like oh how it’s the greatest fucking thing in the world. Most of my life, that’s what most of my well some of my so-called friends talked about, rubbed it in and then my other trubies, my very few trubies (True People but trubies for short) talked about it. I felt left out and I felt like a fucking loser because here I’ am listening to everybody around me talking about it and I’m just the odd man out. Not cool. Lots of things about it that torture me. I’ll tell you a quick story. So, there was this one time where my stepmoms friend Kari was over. Her and her now ex Husband Rudolph. Both very free spirited etc. So, little secret, I had a major crush on Kari. She’s very attractive. Of course, she is older than me and yes, she was married at the time. Well they came over one night for dinner. We had carbonara. All sitting at the table, talking. Telling stories. They meaning my old man, Stepmom, Kari, and Rudolph were all drinking wine. Well about 5 minutes later, Kari all of a sudden was talking about how she got caught one time showering outside completely NUDE by her neighbors. Also, about while she needs to be careful, she loves being nude. On the outside I’m cool, calm, and collected. Inside, I’m losing my fucking mind. It felt like torture. So bad to the point, I wanted to tell her that is hot. Get up, get her nude, and fuck the shit out of her and I honestly did not care who knew or was watching. That’s how bad my sexual frustration was at the time. Of course, I didn’t cause again I’m not an idiot. That would make a whole lot of problems for me and their friendship. Especially with my relationship with my stepmom being rocky, yeahhhhh don’t think so. I think I’d rather not cause extra problems than getting it in with one of the most attractive women I know. Trust me if she would’ve told me she wanted too, i would have in a heartbeat. Now if I would’ve seen her more often, I probably would not have told this story but she’s more friends with my ex stepmom than us. So now I’m more comfortable to tell that story. I did come close two other times. Once in the summer of 2016, where I went to the strip club with two former best friends one night before I left for 6 weeks. Why do I say former best friends? Well it’s a tricky subject and a very sensitive subject that happened recently. Because I don’t need any problems, there are lots of things that I can’t mention. There is how it happened and then what I feel about it today that I can say. All of which will be later on......possibly. I don’t know yet. I need to think this one through. However back to the story of now, we went to Palazios. One of the fanciest gentlemen clubs in town. One of my favorite experiences. The women there were beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. If I had more money and if I wasn’t going anywhere for 6 weeks, I probably would’ve pulled the trigger, went into the VIP room, and rocked one of those bitches’ world. Yes, I don’t have experience yet but because of my sexual frustrations, and because probably of how angry I’ am that I have yet to fulfill my needs, I would’ve rocked some bitches’ world. I wouldn’t be afraid to go for it. Now obviously unless either i had a vasectomy, or she had her tubes tied, I would’ve worn a condom or hope that she was on the pill. Maybe still would’ve worn a condom anyway. I don’t know yet. Depending on if she had a clean bill of health. Same with me. Last thing I need or she needs is an STD or an unplanned pregnancy. Otherwise I would go all in. There’s another story where I actually came really really close. So it was during my sophomore or junior year of high school. There was this girl. Her name was Crystal. She was in a grade or two lower than me. For a somewhat not bad but somewhat chunky chick, she was pretty. So there was this one night. I was staying at my grandmas. It was about a couple of months after this one time at Our local skating rink where we went into the back and she flashed me. It was hot. We weren’t in a relationship. We didn’t have sex but we were messing around a little bit. So that night a couple of months later. In January I believe. We were hanging out at her house (well trailer but you get what I’m saying.) She was living with her grandma and her brother. Her grandma was there but her brother was not. Her grandma was kind of out of it but me and Crystal we were hanging in the back room. Watching TV. All of a sudden, we talk for a few minutes and then I don’t remember how but I remember her telling me about a relationship she was about to be in but she didn’t have a lot of experience. So we ended up making out. The most we went was second base. Shirts off and she was topless. I even remember getting some hickeys on my neck but that was as far as we went because well I was young and I didn’t know as much as I do now. I mean I knew that I didn’t want to have unprotected sex with her and plus I didn’t want to risk anybody else who was in the house catching us. Especially because they knew my great Grandma Stice who happened to be the Landlord of the trailer park, they were living at. So yeah, I’ve came close but not much. My ultimate fantasy well I have two but before I do that, one thing i also forgot to add is us messing around under the covers. Fully clothed and then we are both nude when we come up. Now my two fantasies. 1. Either or meaning one of us has a long night at work. One of us is staying at the others place. One of us comes in. The other is sleeping. Happy to see each other, talk for a minute and then we are in the mood. We make out, then we get nude. Perform oral on each other. Her on me first. Me on her second. Then I come up from going down on her. I suck on her tits so aggressively like I’m really getting into it like how Kima Griggs from the Wire did with this black chick during that lesbian scene in Season 3. She’s smiling. Rubbing my head while I’m getting into sucking those tits. Then moments later. I turn her to the side, or get her on her hands and knees and I give it to her hardcore in the ass. Her boobs are bouncing around and she’s just moaning and enjoying it in the ass. Now pending on if I want to have an orgasm with her or sometimes blow a load on her tits or on her face, that’s how hard I go. Sometime ill cum in her ass. Sometimes I want to cum in her pussy and I want her to get wet and get my dick wet. And then we both feeling wet. And then others where I blow a load on her face or her tits. Either way just that thought or the thought of her hours later or days later, just thinking about the great sex we've had, or telling her girlfriends about like how she loves the mental feeling of my cum in her. Rubbing her stomach. I mean good god. I know I got a lot of work to do physically and mentally but I don’t want to be like Steve Carrell in the 40-year-old virgin. Last but not

Least I remember when I was 11 or 12, I saw my Moms friend Amy topless one time while she was changing in the bathroom. Probably the first set of boobs. I mean yes it sounds weird but I was 11 or 12. When I was just slowly coming into my own. Not as stupid and confused as I ‘am now. Plus, I mean it’s my mom’s best friend so yes, it’s weird and it’s not. It would be weird now but well yes. Plus, as I’ve gotten older and smarter while I still think she’s attractive and then some, she’s more of family but because of my sexual frustrations before she had two more kids, if she would’ve told me that she would’ve gave me the opportunity to make love to her, I would have. That’s how much my sexual frustrations get the best of me sometimes. It’s what happens when your entire life you are surrounded by most people who either brag or talk about it and how it’s the greatest thing in the world. Other times you hear it. Saying like "Oh god I want you to fuck me." "I want you to cum inside me." "When are you going to cum on my face?" Shit like that. Do you really think I want to hear that from people I know? Or just the pleasure moan? When I HAVENT HAD IT MYSELF? Fuck no. It’s probably the one thing that pisses me off. Why I’m also frustrated. Because I’m 23 about to be 24 on July 1st of 2017 and well yes, I have needs. I even remember getting turned on or frisky because of scenes I see on TV. Especially cartoon scenes such as Marge Simpson getting banged by Homer. Cartmans Mom from South Park who is a major slut getting fucked by many different men. Leela and Amy. And then the hottest one is Lois Griffin. Whether it’s with Peter or the few times she came close with Brian or with other guys like with Bill Clinton. I guess my time will come when it does I guess. Now onto the relationship part of it.

 Relationship

Now that I’ve gotten the sex part out of the way, now it’s time for the relationship part. *Sighs* This one is going be more easier and harder. It’s going to be a little bit of both. So, before I begin this part, I just want to say again that I’m on both sides of the spectrum. On one hand, I really really want and somewhat need to get laid. However, I’ve gotten that out of the way and on the other I also believe in treating a woman right. What is wrong with this world is that most of today’s society is all about fucking and getting pussy or cock. I’m not saying it’s all wrong. I mean if people just love sex and want to play the field that’s fine. Here is the issue I have before I continue. A Couple actually. Number one, everybody is like fucking everybody. Fucking for free shit. Free drinks. Fucking for favors etc. The thing that is kind of disturbing but more just stupid is when you are in a relationship. Lots of factors. If your other is cheating on you or is either a bitch or an asshole, even though I don’t endorse cheating, I guess that’s understandable. A little bit. Not much but just a little bit. Tiny tiny bit. The biggest red flag is hypocrisy, here’s why. I’ve known men and women who at one point or another are like why are all guys scumbags or why are all women sluts and bitches? Why can’t women find the right guys or vice versa? People can debate all they want and deny it. It’s the truth. Everybody will do it. Everyone has done it. I might even do it. Probably have especially when I feel I have come so close. I say all of this because I’ve known a lot of people who have done it. Fucking around behind each other’s backs. Not all but most and again I’m not the millions and millions of people. Also, yes, I do also know that there are others where the relationships are just plain and simple not healthy. Others only because of money and then there were very few that were actually real. Not all of them were fake or bad but for most of the rest there are Too many complications and too many factors to sort out. Yes, I don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. Yes I’ am Not the millions and millions of people. However I just base it on what I see, hear, and read. That being said, as much as sex pleases me and as much as I want to cum and fuck a bitch, the biggest frustration is not having somebody I don’t have to feel alone with. Someone I can cuddle with. Have intimate pillow talks with. Night drives. Walks around the city. If we want to have date night or go out and get fucked up together. Double dates. Nights at the park. Potential Hot tub nights. Making love on the beach. The whole nine yards. Jesus Christ must I fucking go on. Alright well then fucking A bro. It even frustrates me that guys who are in a lot worse shape than I’ am are getting decent looking women. Probably mostly because of the money factor. Three things true about this world. Money, Power, and Pussy. I’m not in the best shape but I’ am not in the worst shape either. It just doesn’t make sense. I mean another thing. I get jealous when I see people I know in relationships all cuddled up, kissing, hugging, pillow talking, etc. I mean holy fuck Nick and Morgan did that one time. Both of them snuggled up on the couch downstairs while I’m sitting in the recliner. Sleeping, and pillow talking, I’m sitting watching TV or playing a game. I don’t fucking remember. I Mean shit, just the intimacy of it. No before I continue, I’m not going to go back to online dating. First of all, we shouldn’t have to pay money to find love. Tried that once. Second, Kind of was temporarily seeing someone kind of. Then her and her ex got back together. Third, well that’s it. I Can’t even begin to try to tell you how many times I’ve tried to get noticed. Dress nice. Get in better shape. Never fucking worked. Never I tell you. Don’t believe me? Fine but that’s something I’ am not going to lie about because it is the truth. It’ s like they immediately saw something right through me. Like they saw the monster in me. It was a definite confidence booster. I mean shit, while I’m not going to be all lovey dovey and shit, I’m not a bad guy. I am not fucking rich. I don’t party every goddamn night. I’m not a scumbag who acts like he cares but then just ditches you right after I fuck you. No no no. That is not me. I’ am honest when I say 1. Brother got to get laid. Brother needs to get some pussy etc. 2. I Also want someone I can cuddle with at night. Talk about our day. Watch movies with when we just feel like having a night at home. Order takeout. Etc. The intimacy behind it. Is that wrong? Is that really wrong for me to want that? For me feeling like I’m sick and tired of having to witness something I haven’t had the experience of doing myself? Being Jealous? Thinking that my manhood is in question big time because of it? I mean come on. *Sighs* I mean it is frustrating. On one hand I think that god is making this happen for a reason. Maybe my time is coming. Someone beautiful and special is coming. Who is perfect for me? I don’t know but until it happens, I’ am always going to have questions. Really I’m just sick of being the Third wheel. That’s just the way it is i guess

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 Marisa

Chapter Song: Daughtry- Life After You

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 Let me share with Ya’ll about the story of a girl I once loved. She was from back home. Her name was Marisa. I went to school with her for about 2 years. I was a freshman and she was a Junior when we first met. At the time, she was dating one of my classmates. His name was Taylor. He was an all right guy. Haha someone who didn’t bully me in school. As time went on, the two started to separate because of their own issues. Time went on and me and her became closer. Things were good. Talked every day. Well most of the time. We both were there for each other whenever we needed each other. However, that ended up being one of my first challenging times growing up. Before I begin, I just want her to know if somehow someway she is reading this I hope she knows how proud I ‘am of her and how happy I ‘am that she found somebody who loves her for her and much love. Marisa, I also want you to know that I'm sorry for the way I acted. I know I wasn't easy to be around despite my issues and although I wish things could've gone differently, I really did enjoy all the good times we've had over the years back in the day. I'm happy for you. You deserve it. I wish you nothing but the best. Now that I got that out of the way, it was one my first ever trying times that I dealt with where I started to grow and learn more. It all started my sophomore year and her Senior year. It was right around the time of prom. She invited me to prom. It was her senior prom and it was a special time for her and I wanted to make sure it was perfect. I spent the next few weeks trying to get ready. My outfit, a corsage, flowers. Even did some extra chores around the house to get some extra money so I can pay for after prom dinner. For me and her. The day of it comes. I decided to take a nap before my mom is ready to take me out to the Lake house where everybody was meeting up at before we took off. I wake up and apparently, she had her dad call my mom. Something seemed a little fishy but of course I wasn't aware back then than I ‘am today. Looking back at it now though, it is kind of funny. Great story to laugh at. It will also be a great story to look back on and tell my kids hopefully one day in case they ever go through something like that. Any who, her dad calls our house and tells My mom that unfortunately she is sick. It was a little disappointing cause I worked very hard to make sure I got what I needed for prom night. Also, I've never gotten invited to anything like that. It was a rare occasion when I did. When my plans changed, I ended up going to Springfield to see my sister for the weekend. My mom also got me a game for my Xbox 360 because she felt bad. Once I got to Springfield, I ended up having the house to myself cause my little sister and her mom had something to do I believe. Don't really remember but I know I made a few phone calls. Again, I was stupid back then. Damn sure am not now. That's not the story. The story of when it all began was my junior year of high school. Her freshman year of college. Me and my Ex Best Friend Nick went up to Columbia for a guy’s weekend. It was about a month after I got done being ungrounded. He went up for a college visit and decided to invite me for a guy’s weekend. The first night we were there, we originally were supposed to have just a plain and simple guys night with a friend of ours Josh. However, it ended up turning into a party. Something I didn't end up doing at the time. Plus, I just got done being ungrounded. Do you really think I want to be grounded again? So, I panicked. I panicked because it wasn't my type of surrounding at the time. I didn't want my mom to find out and then I lose the only friend that I had. I didn't have a lot of options at the time so I called Marisa. Explained to her the situation. She said no worries. Just come on over here. About 20 minutes later, my friends Mackenzi and Adam took me over there. They were out and about anyways. I arrived about 10 minutes later. She lived out at the dorms near The Missouri Tigers football field (Faurot Field). I believe it was Universal Hall. I'll have to clarify that but it was one of the most beautiful parts of the entire campus. One of my favorites hands down for sure. If you see it at night, you'll see why. So back to the story, I arrive over there. Marisa was waiting outside because I believe I had to go in with someone who was living in the dorms. We go in, we go up to her dorm room. She was living with 3 others. No, you filthy animals nothing happened so before you go off saying "Ayyeeeeeee Sky got laid Holmes!!" Or shit like that, read on to the rest of the story of this. Again, this was a story about someone I once was in love with. Not about sex. She's married now to someone else who makes her happy and it's been years since this happened. Again, sorry I got off track, it's something I do in case people try to start stuff. I've done it since my high school days. I know why. I'll get into it later maybe. All right for real though back to the story. We go in and we are talking for a few minutes but more pleasant conversation. As we are on the way up, I start to panic a little more because well it's just what happens. Least in my life. Marisa asks me "What's Wrong?" I then respond, "I'll tell you once we get up to the room."  We get up to the room. It was pleasant again. We actually hung out for almost all night. Luckily it was on a weekend night and she had little to almost no homework. We laughed, had ourselves a little dance party, talked about our common love of wings, even watched one of her favorite movies She's the man. It starred Amanda Bynes. It was about how she wanted to get into a boarding school. Poses as her twin brother Sebastian (Haha he didn't exist in the movie, he was still Amanda Bynes). Had a Skype session with a friend of hers who I also knew who I later discovered was her new dude. His name was Bradley. One of the richest dudes in my hometown. I actually went to school with him too. He was actually lower than me grade wise but that is actually about as far as I'm going to get, Although I'll get into that more here shortly, not their business because what they do is their business and that is fine. So, after the Skype session, Marisa and I were sitting in the bed. Well she was laying down, and I was sitting on the end but of course I was more like not sitting as if i was going to get up. I was more relaxed where I didn't want to get up. It was about 11:30 pm almost midnight that night. We started talking. I explained to her the situation. We talked. I told her how afraid I was of my mom finding out cause I just got done being ungrounded a month earlier plus like I said at the beginning at the book, I'm proud of her now. But back then it wasn't easy living with my mom. I also told her how trapped I felt. For the first time ever, she was someone I didn't feel alone with. She put my mind at ease. I felt like I wasn't trapped. After she prayed for me (yes she was 100 percent a lover of the Lord) I admire her for that. She wasn't like a lot of other people I knew who said that one minute then went out and got fucked up and fucked. She was real. Once that was over, she told me about how Bradley was up the weekend before I was. They went out to the soccer field here on campus the weekend before. While they were playing a friendly one on one, apparently she hurt her ankle. I'm not sure how exactly. I don't remember and even if I did, again I'm not trying to say anything bad about specific people. But moments later, the most surprising thing happened, and that being she asked me for an ankle massage. She put her ankle up on a pillow on my lap and once I began to massage it. She is lying there closing her eyes. Smiling. Like she was at peace. As was I. That was the moment right there I felt for her. She wasn't someone I wanted to have sex with. She was literally someone I legitimately cared about. It was just the beginning. About a night later after I got back to Josh's house on Paquin street aka the Paq shack the night before and got into a little bit of an argument with another friend who actually happens to still to be someone I'm very close with today even though she lives in South America: Me, Nick and a few other people were out and about the night later. We went to see a movie. On our way to the movies, Nick and I were sitting in the back. I was still thinking about Marisa. So I decided to talk to Nick about it. However, the other people we were with don't necessarily know how to keep their mouth shut so I send a private message to Nick on my phone. My text I sent to him went like this "Hey can you hook me up with Marisa? I really like her. A lot." I send the message. I wait about 10 minutes until 10 minutes later, I ask Nick did he get my message? He said no. So I check my phone and guess what? I accidentally sent it to her. My God was I panicking. I was embarrassed. I was freaking the hell out. Because I didn't pay attention plus I just told the girl I loved my biggest secret ever even though I was trying to send it to Nick. The two did not really like each other. Why? Well I’ll tell more later but long story short about that, one of Marisa’s best friends was Nick's ex. That was a shit storm what happened between him and his Ex but that's their business, That's a road I'm not going to go down again. What happened between them was like a casual drama filled dilemma. They both fucked each other over as far as I'm concerned but the point being this isn't about them. This is about me and my story. So back to the story, after I sent that I was excused for a moment and her dude called me and we got into it. That was the start of a long going rivalry between me and his people which lasted about the last two years of my high school life. It also changed things between me and her. It was a constant battle I faced, I'll get to that here in a second. After that night when I sent that message, I remembered just now that we had lunch the same day before I left but It wasn't just the two of us. It was me, her, and our friends Mackenzi and Adam. Thank God they were there cause an already awkward situation could've been more awkward. I also forgot to mention that Nick took the fall for me the night that the message was sent but it didn't matter. She knew. I haven't really talked to her in years. Although I felt like there were times where she was playing me, there were times where she did care for real. I know I wasn't easy to be around, but I did the best I could. The last time we actually got along was the day of my 18th birthday. It was about a couple of weeks before I left for Austin. I was originally going to go out with Some friends. Go to the strip club, and then some. She however did not think it was a good idea and had a proposition. Instead we had a night in at her place. Played some games and then some (Again no not sex ya filthy animals). This was right after her and Bradley broke up. At first yeah it sounded like a good idea because it was the first time we started talking again. Plus believe it or not I still loved her. I wanted to be around her. It just ....how can I put this? When I was around her, I felt at peace. Even when she was not being cool and yes when I wasn't easy to be around, I was still distracted. She was the only one who was real and didn't fuck with me well there were times when I thought differently but you get the point. However I decided to go with Nick and a few other friends of ours. His girlfriend At the time Chelsea and another girl that I liked at the time Kristina. We didn't end up going to the strip club. We all went to Springfield for dinner at hooters and then we came back to Branson. Went to Kristina’s apartment for about a good while. It was good thing we all were fucked up or otherwise I would've felt left out. Long story short, ended up being a good night. After that, then we kind of went back to being on the bad side of one another. There's one thing I regret in this whole chapter. It was in 2012 about a year after I came to Austin. One day I was at the park near the capital I'm not sure how it came about but what I do know is that I regret it. I called her and I left her a very nasty voice-mail. Something that I apologized to her about in 2015 even though she had the right to not want to talk to me anymore. She accepted but then she told me where she was at in this and in her life. We haven't talked since but there are times Here and there where I do give a hey hope you’re doing well etc. Not expecting a response let me make that clear. The best one I gave was when she got married to the man of her dreams. Because at the end of the day I don't want any problems with her. I want her to be happy. I still think about it every once in a while because sometimes i wish things could've been different and handled differently on my part. I do regret some of the things I did but never ever will I apologize for the good times we've had. The laughs. The cries. The wings Mmmmmnnnn Mmmmmnnnn wings were good. Haha we used to have holidays in honor of wings. Wingmas, Wingsgiving, wingaween, wingster, haha must I go on hahaha hahaha. It was funny. Good times but most importantly I will never ever ever ever ever ever apologize for the feelings I felt for her. Yeah it drove me nuts sometimes. It drove me nuts that I did everything I could to hang on even if I did drive her away which I did a few times back then. She wasn't perfect but neither was I. However I mean what I said when back then she was one of the only few at the time who didn't bullshit me. Who made me not feel alone. I hated the way I acted even after all of this. I do miss her but honestly I'm glad it happened and I hate that it did. I hate that it did because it did give me some of my many anxieties when it comes to social life and women but I'm glad it did because like with my guys, it gave me things I needed to work on things still to this day. Wasn't easy still isn't but I'm doing it. The main thing I know is as much as I was angry back then and then some, I have no hate towards her. As long as she's ok, as long as she knows that if she ever needs anything and she decides to come to me for anything she knows I’ll be there and as long as her husband treats her well then my best place is in the shadows. Letting her do her and be her. I'm still going to continue to do me and be me. I wish some of the things didn't happened but hey it’s what happens when you are a guy who has demons while in love.