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vxvidlandmine · 2 years

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A couple of thoughts

I'm currently not in the mood to continue my little "Everlasting" project.

I'd like to write something about how I'm feeling, what's the latest and stuff. I don't think this will ever become an important piece of information, nor someone beside me will read it. I'll use the typewriter font as it's cool as fuck.

It's almost the end of the summer. My semester is going to start on October so I still have plenty of time to enjoy September. It's almost already decided I'll go out at least 3 or 4 times before the lessons start. Going out has acquired a new meaning to me. When all I could think about was playing my favourite game, I couldn't be bothered with taking the time to socialize. I'd get annoyed, people close to me would force me to and I'd force myself too, as I realized that I was on the right path to lose those few people I'd go out with. After losing the ability to enjoy playing, I was grieving and going out was worse than before. I could see the joy and the relief that a night out had on my friends, and I understood more than ever that something had to change. Eventually, things changed. I stopped going out completely. I'm talking Nov 2021-July 2022 type of thing. I have no recollection of ever going out during that timeframe. It's probably much larger but it's just an estimation here. I finished high school and started University. On the first year, I made some acquaintances and no friends. I didn't go out once, except for a couple of guys I used to go to high school with and who coincidentally moved to the same city as mine. Small world. Anyway. After finishing all my exams, I had lots of free time at hand. I was late for a summer job, it was too soon to study again and I wanted to take a break, so I started organizing small nights out. I'm talking 2-3 acquaintances, once a week, walking laps in the city centre. I felt alone, for the most part of my teen years I always did. But until I stepped into University, I wasn't alone. Those are two completely different things. I was 16 getting drunk on a saturday, wasting both saturday and sunday on homework and, you know, withering away at home. Sometimes I regret not having fun when I could. I had less to think about, and still I couldn't enjoy myself. This is what 80% of people my age think about, following up with "well, now I can do much more so that's better". More responsabilities, but more ways to "have fun" or relax, or whatever, you get it. I admit I get nostalgic, but I was damaged then, I'm damaged now and I'm trying to ""heal"" as well as possible. the double "" stands for ironic btw because I don't relate to all the heal talk, the inner child stuff and so on. That's all glorified auto conscience, discovered by 25year olds who went all their life without thinking a couple of seconds about their person and now realize what a tool they have in their skull. Enough about stupid people. Now, I'm trying to enjoy myself more. I know tough times are going to come, and I fear I'm not preparing that well. I don't want to have a breakdown now that things are going to get more difficult, as I barely handled my previous ones.

In order to prepare, I'm getting closer to the few people I know won't disappear in the following months, when summer will be over and everyone will have to get one their grind again. I will too, but I'm trying to get out of my comfort zone and make it so that it won't be awkward spending some time with other people.

When it comes to love and stuff, I haven't made much progress. I tried texting a girl I had a huge crush on, but she didn't reciprocate the excitement so she isn't into me. I went to the beach the other day with 5 other people. Among them, a ex-classmate who I always thought was cute almost made me blush. She has such a lovely face I'd never get tired to kiss her. And when she smiles, oh god, I feel like I'm melting. She has a perfect smile, and such a complexion that when she's slightly hot, or nervous, or happy, or tipsy she gets all read. On top of this, short straight hair and big dark eyes complete her face. Very cute, very cute. After that day, I tought about texting her, or organizing a night out with our group of friends. She's single, I am too, why can't I try? I can. But where am I getting at? TBH, all I want to do is spend some time together. Get to know each other, make out, and melt into each others' arms as we watch the sun set over the horizon.

I think I'm in love with the idea of having a loved one. I used to think having a SO to count on would be great to solve my problems. Then I realized I need to solve my problems first then get a SO in order for this to work. At last, I reached the conclusion that critical problems need to be addressed first, but minor stuff could be easily worked out with them. No one becomes perfect before dating lmao. As any other human being, I have needs, I want to feel affection towards someone and I'd like for it to be reciprocated. Family is a different thing, saying stuff like "Your parents love u, that's enough" makes no sense in this situation.

I'm tired, I want my obsessions to be over so that I can become a not-so-damaged 20 year old. I don't want to throw out the window 10 years of my life because of emotional baggage.

Lol this is too long no one's reading it I'm glad of this.

#vent blog #love stuff

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bonvoyagenoona · 2 years

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Thinking: I just woke up and had a dream where I was trying out for a part in a romcom and I read lines with this really cute guy who looked kinda like Ezra Koenig and kinda like Michael Garner from lady danville and hunter hunted?? That is a really niche reference??? Anyway, he told me, "I really hope you get the part. You're hilarious, and it would be fun to get to play with you," and I basically fell in love.

While waiting to hear if I made it through to the next round, I started typing fanfic on this comically huge pink laptop.

I got to the second round of auditions, which was a costumed round, and I learned more about the part. I was a girl named Donna who was weird and quirky but sweet. And the scene we were acting out had something to do with me and this male love interest, now being acted out by some new guy in a white suit, in an apartment kitchen.

A lady with a silver bob and dressed in all black, including black, thick-rimmed glasses asked me to follow her into another room and to bring my costume. I told her that I didn't have one. She said that we were all instructed to look the part, but it was ok, there were extra costumes. I had to choose between a pair of pajama pants vs shorts. I also had to choose between a big black sweater that said something funny(?) in dripping blood-like font vs a crop top. I chose the shorts and obviously the sweater; I'm an Aries 🤣

And then she gave me this huge, like, HUGE kind of mascot head to wear? It covered nearly my entire upper half? I think it was some kind of big cat, and I can't remember exactly what kind, but maybe it was a jaguar or cougar, but I also am now imagining it to be Retsuko, because me trying to remember this is morphing it a bit.

When I get to the makeshift set, the crew is at the far end of the fake apartment (which is gorgeous btw) and then I see JIN sitting at a round table, and he's like, really him, the real Jin, and his legs are casually crossed, and he's WINKING and closed-lipped smiling and sending me FINGER HEARTS for luck??? Then I see that next to him are Namjoon, Jimin, and Hobi? And they're all cheering me on? And then I turn left and see Jungkook and Taehyung sitting at the fake kitchen counters, and then YOONGI, closest to the door I entered through, just smiling. They all start silently but enthusiastically cheering for me and sending me more finger hearts. I pull my arms through my sweater sleeves and up into my mascot head, where there is a small, clear, plastic window inside the open mouth, and send them all finger hearts back while going "awwww yayyyyy!" quietly and to myself.

Anyway, so apparently, the scene we're about to act out is some scene deeper in the movie(?), and this male lead has fallen in love with Donna IN HER MASCOT HEAD, and the scene is taking place at his apartment, where they are sharing a fancy dinner, and he is crawling on the table, eating tacos sensually.

All that to say, I think this is my first ever BTS birthday dream, and it was a super, super pleasant gift to receive, and also maybe a sign to work more on AMOMK today lol

Hearing: my space heater

Writing: AMOMK I guess 🤣

Seeing:

#fade to black #microupdates #about me #y'all idk my bts dreams are all so innocent and sweet and before we get too risque #but tbh i kind of love it

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nightowlfandom · 3 years

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Anime! Fictional! BTS x Real World! Reader- Welcome To My World~ Episode 1

HEY HEY! IM SO EXCITE! Btw who here plays BTS World? This is very loosely based off that.

I need to download it again tbh.

CHECKOUT MY MASTERLIST HERE!

Leggo!

...

What does it mean to escape? To get away. If it means leaving behind all you know, all you’ve been raised to know, all you’ve been led to believe, with just yourself and the clothes on your back. Scary, but thrilling. Terrifying, but inviting. Unbelievable, but definitely possible....

...

On a early Tuesday morning where the sun was barely grazing the orange sky, you sat by your windowsill. You were dreamily staring out into the halo that was a mixture of red and orange. The halo of greyish clouds matched your mood to a complete tee. The aesthetic beauty of nature wasn’t enough to make you smile or even blink twice, however. It was always like this though. Yet something about this scene made you go sour.

Releasing a sigh, you stepped away from the window, shutting the curtains. Another day, the same thing. All you could do was attempt to power through.

As you lazily pulled your shirt over your head, you had managed to dodge that annoying dog. The little brat wasn’t even yours, but your oh-so loving step-sister’s. He always had a affinity for making your room a hot mess. Only yours in particular.

“Get out of here you little-.” you chased the dog out of your room, slamming your door as it scurried off. “What did you screw up this time?” you curiously scanned the room. Everytime that little fluffy beast rammed his little head into your personal space, something would end up broken, ripped, shattered, or completely destroyed beyond repair.

You almost screamed when you saw a familiar book cover on the floor. You instantly dropped to your knees, praying to yourself that it wasn’t true. The cover had a pretty violent looking rip along with the first few pages.

Your absolute reason for waking up in the morning was tarnished. A signed cover of BTS Universe Issue #1. Probably your one and only favorite series on planet Earth. You gingerly picked up the book, trying to inspect it with hopes that the damage was minimal. As little as this was, you almost felt like crying. However there was no time, you needed to tape up the pages and fast! Who cares if you missed breakfast.

...

“Morning Y/N!” Your step-dad greeted you in the kitchen. “You were upstairs an awful long time, I was about to send your mother to see if you were still up playing that game of yours!” he smiled warmly.

“Thanks Mr. Chai.” you replied politely. “I’m sorry I’m so late.”

“You know...Y/N...you could call me Dad.” he set a plate down on the table. “I know I’m not your father, but I want to be the best father-figure for you because I know...you haven’t really had that.”

You had to stop yourself from saying anything else. You haven’t had the best parental relationship, and your new step-dad really was trying. Maybe it was just his daughter that drove you nuts.

“Thank you.” you replied, smiling. “...Dad.” you winked, making finger guns. “Geez! You made a lot of food for just the four of us”

“ Well you ain’t see muffin, yet!” he winked. “You and Nari have a busy day today. She auditioning and you, my friend....well I don’t know exactly what you have planned for the day.”

“I’ll tell you if we can skip the food related puns.” you sat down at the table. It was a rule that everyone waited for everyone else. Even though you had taken the extra time to repair your copy of BTS Universe, you had seemed to be the first person down the stairs. In all honesty, you were just going to hang out at the comic store until Nari called to tell you she was done.

“Hey now, Donut kill my vibe!” he continued, laughing. “I have a million more of these, come on. Don’t go bacon my heart, Y/N.”

“Good job Y/N, you’ve gotten him started.” You mom came down the stairs in her little blazer and pencil skirt. “Whatever will we do now.”

“He did it himself, the guy’s an animal! You married a wild child, mom.” you joked. “He might just be a serial killer.”

“Don’t you mean...cereal killer?” he held up a box of Raisin Bran to make his point. You could only shake your head as your mother and step-father laughed together. Food related humor so early in the morning had to mean today wasn’t going to be a horrible as it started, at least for you.

“WHERE ARE MY THIGH HIGH BOOTS!” you heard a screech from upstairs. “THEY BETTER NOT BE IN YOUR ROOM, Y/N!”

“...WHY WOULD I WANT TO WEAR YOUR SHOES!” you yelled back after taking in a deep breath. “NARI, IF I WANTED TO BREAK MY ANKLES, I’D HAUL MYSELF DOWN THE STAIRS.”

“When will you two get along?” your mom shook her head. “It’s been three years.”

“We don’t not get along.” You shook your head. “Not my fault she’s difficult.”

“I can think of a few times you’ve been difficult yourself, young lady.” you mother pointed a stern finger at you. “Like when you locked yourself in the room to read that silly cartoon of yours.”

“It’s not silly.” you defended yourself.

“Oh come on!” Nari’s voice voice could be heard alongside some loud footsteps. “I think it’s cute to be honest. Y/N here actually has a hobby besides stalking celebrities online.”

“Shut up, Nari.” you grumbled. “And keep your dog out of my room! He ruined my signed copy of BTS Universe!”

“Dorie got out again?” she seethed, looking annoyed. “I really have to put a bell on that dog.”

“Yeah.” you sighed, you bummed mood returning. Everyone knew just how much you loved that edition. You kept in in a super special display case, you cleaned the case every week, you kept your other issues on their own bookshelf along with your figurine and digital visual novel editions of the series. You were even on the buyer’s list for the special early anime release. You LOVED this series. Not even Nari dared to disrespect something as important as that, and she loved getting under your skin.

“I’m sure you’ll be able to find another one.” your mother set down a bowl of cereal in front of you along with a muffin. “Now eat, you have a big day today.”

“Yes mam.” you replied, helping yourself to some cereal.

“If you want, you can take a muffin or bagel with you.” your step dad said.

“Dad! I can’t, I have to be super focused remember? Breakfast will just slow me down!” Nari scoffed.

“Not having breakfast will make it even worse, dummy. Dude, you’re gonna pass out on stage.” you threw a tiny cereal piece at her. “Eat something.”

“I’ll eat later, I just have my eye on the prize and nothing is going to stop me.” Nari stood up determined.

“Will you at least eat some toast, crazy girl.” your mother said. “Y/N’s right, you need to at least have eaten something to calm your nerves. Y/N make sure Nari eats something before you two go your separate ways.”

“I’ll try, no promise.” you shrugged. “Nari, if you’re done, then get your stuff and let’s go.” You promptly finished your cereal and went to go back upstairs. “You got ten minutes.”

“What’s her deal?” you could hear Nari ask, followed by an sudden whispering of your mom stating exactly what she thought was wrong with you. Your bet was on ‘everything’.

You walked back into your room, grabbing your purse from your desk. You eyed your taped up issue of BTS Universe #1. There was no way you were going to find another issue like that, and that damned dog just treated it like a loved toy. You grabbed your phone and shoved it into your purse. You went over to where the issue was and placed it on your desk.

“NARI LET’S GO!” you shut the bedroom door behind you as you walked out the room.

...

You sped to a stop outside the building. Nari was shaking in her shoes. She seemed hesitant to even open the door.

“Call me when you’re finished so I can pick you up.” you said, getting ready to unlock the doors.

“You’re leaving me!?” Nari looked like she was about to explode.

“Hello?! It’s idol trainees only?” you raised an eyebrow. “I can’t go in there with you. Nari what’s the problem?”

“...Um...I’m nervous alright! I’m giving up almost everything and if I don’t get chosen...I’ll just prove my dad right. I need this.” she stared down at her hands. “I’m not used to being a reject. I don’t know how you-”

“You wanna leave here with two working legs, I suggest you don’t finished that sentence.” you cut her off. “I’m not a reject.”

“That’s not what I was gonna say. I’m saying I don’t know how you deal with nerves like this.” she looked like she was gonna pass out.

“...You just do.” you nudged her shoulder. “You just go for it and hope. Go for it.”

“...Okay, I’ll try.” she opened the door. “...Thank you.” she stood up. “I’ll call you when I’m all set.” she shut the door.

“I’ll literally be at the store around the corner.” you replied before driving off. You watched in the rear view as she took her sweet time going into the building.

...(Later on)

You trudged behind Nari as she ran through the door. She seemed happy, so that must have meant the audition went well.

“I’m gonna take a nap.” you called to your mom and step-dad. “See you guys at dinner!”

You didn’t wait for them to reply before you closed the door. As you walked over to your bed, you noticed a disc laying on your bed. Just a random DVD. The closer you got, the font on the front got clearer.

“BTS World?” It didn’t look familiar in the slightest. “It’s called BTS Universe, Nice try Nari.” you wrote it off as a stupid prank by your oh-so-loving Step-Sister. It was only then you realized Nari was with you all day.

You took another look at it, gently taking it in your hands. It looked like it was glowing.

Call it curiosity, but you needed to know.

Your laptop was sitting at the edge of the bed, so you put the disc in.

“State your name.” a voice came out of nowhere.

“What?” you looked around in shock. The voice sounded like it came from right behind you.

“Please state your name.” the female robotic voice repeated.

“Y/N.”

“Are you sure that you want Y/N as your name?”

“Um Yes?” you raised an eyebrow. You still didn’t know what the fuck was going on.

“Would you like to start a new game? You don’t appear to have any saved filed under the name Y/N.”

Maybe you were sleepier than you thought, but you ran with it. “Yes.”

“Starting new game....now”

Your screen began glowing a bright blue, a vivid, saturated blue. It was like your screen had turned into a flashlight.

“What the fu-” you suddenly stared at your hands, the very tips of your fingers turned pixelated. “MOM!!!” You tried to scream, only to have it come out in the form on an echo. You felt your feet leave the ground as tiny little pixels moved towards your computer. You could see the color draining from your walls, leaving everything white. It was like an earthquake ran through your room...only through your room.

Then...everything went dark.

...

(Why hello there...LET US PREPARE. I’m gonna go through with it this time, I swear on my bacon! The guys are coming next chappie!)

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stars-a-n-d-scars · 4 years

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All the autumn asks 👏❤️

1. Lantern: How did you meet your best friend?

Okay, this is hard because I don’t have a specific best friend, so I’ll do a few.

I asked @starsandmoonys how to do the cool quotes font on my 2nd day on tumblr... and the rest is history. First impression: they were cool and really nice to take time to chat with me.

I noticed @cake-in-a-tin showing up on my blog a lot, so I followed her and we got to chatting about home (England). My first impression was that she was funny and wonderful.

My other best friend (also my boyfriend) was on my class in grade 7. We HATED eachother, because we were both the smart kids, therefore instant competition.

2. Frost: If you could give some advice to your younger self, what would you say?

If it’s not going to matter in 5 years them it doesn’t matter. Stop worrying about the future or your grades and live in the moment.

3. Maple: Is there a hobby or a skill that you’ve always wanted to try but never did?

Acting and learning German.

4. Harvest: Wht fictional character do you most identify with? Why?

My Remus. He is an outcast because of something he can’t change. He thinks he’s unworthy of love and a danger or burden to anyone he’s in a relationship with. And I really relate to that.

5. Fireside: If you had your dream wardrobe, what would it look like?

Lots of crop tops and jeans (this is if I had my dream body as well). But also just comfy sweaters and jumpers that are too big.

6. Cider: A food that you disliked as a child but now enjoy?

Coffee

7. Amber: Share an unpopular opinion that you may have.

Pineapple does go on pizza.

8. Fog: How we’ll do you think you’d do in a zombie apocalypse scenario.

To quote one of the greatest vines: “Vold of you to assume I wanna live...”

But probably pretty good and then I’d sacrifice myself so the others could get away...

9. Jack-o-lantern: If you could look like any celebrity, who would you choose?

Karen Gillan probably.

10. Spice: Have you ever encountered a house that you believed to be haunted?

Yep. Down the street from me when I was a kid was a place that got half destroyed in the London Blitz, and was all overgrown and crazy.

11. Orchard: Share one thing that you’d like to happen this autumn.

I’d like to go home (autumn for me isn’t until next April btw)

12. Crow: Which school subject do you wish you had an aptitude for?

French.

13. Bonfire: Describe your dream house.

This is pretty much it:

14. Cinnamon: If you had to live in a time period different to the present, which would you choose and where?

20s Paris.

15. Cobweb: If you have graduated, do you miss high school?

I am 14 but I don’t miss primary school much. I didn’t have many friends. I still don’t 😅.

16. Cranberry: What’s a physical feature that you get complimented on?

I don’t get complimented on how I look often.

17. Maize: Shade the weirdest encounter you’ve had with a stranger on the street.

I was in Japan and this guy was busking and pulled me in and made me dance and it was weird and awkward and e kept thanking me and wouldn’t let me go...

18. Quilt: How do you take your coffee?

Lots of sugar and chocolate.

19. Pumpkin: Do you think that humans are inherently good or bad?

I think we’re human.

20. Moonlit: Are you a neat or messy person?

I am neat in every aspect except my bedroom.

21. Flannel: Have you ever gone on a bad date?

I’ve never really gone on a date.

22. Cocoa: If you could have any type of hair, what colour and cut would you chose?

This but with pink streaks.

23. Is there someone you miss having in your life?

Serotonin.

But for real, my younger self. She was carefree and hopeful, and I want that back.

Ty for the asks babe x

#asks #not hp

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betterdaysareatoenailaway · 3 years

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Sleep Tight For Me...I’m Gone

Lately I’ve been writing these Better Days Are A Toenail Away™️ posts in Microsoft Word, selecting all and changing the font to Garamond, which is so readable and beautiful, and posting the Word docs, paragraphs by paragraph, inside these Tumblr drafts. It makes things look nice, to my old fashioned sensibilities, but fixing errors is a time-consuming and needlessly convoluted four-step process.

First, I have to copy, then delete the paragraph containing the error. Then I open the doc. and paste the error-ridden paragraph back into Word. After I find and fix the error, I need to save it and copy and paste it back into the post. It's time-consuming because I’m not just copying a paragraph. As you can see from more recent post, what I copied looked more like a photograph of the paragraph, not the words themselves written in Tumblr’s default font Arial. For an example of this, see below. I like the way it looks like old newspaper clippings. I posted an article about how my fent dealer John Smith kept getting robbed, and had resorted to putting a machete in front of his front door as a way of preventing this, a lever of sorts, which is plainly visible in the video I posted,

So today I’ve given up on trying to make my posts look like books or zines, and have given into the Tumblr font, which is about as pretty as a horse with his snout shot off.

There are two much longer posts I’m working on right now, one about Nirvana and one about Soundgarden, respectively, and how both bands were very unlike their public perception, but those posts are taking a lot of work so I’m putting them on the backburner because today is some dumbass corporation’s day where it tries to synthesize mental health and profit and the end result is as baldly capitalist and clumsy as you would expect.

I’m not gonna name the company, or repeat their stupid fucking slogan. As far as I can tell (which isn't very far), talking about my trauma has never made me feel better. And in fact it has sometimes made me feel worse, because in telling you what hurts and scares me, I’ve given a part of myself away that I can’t get back. When you’re like me, and you’ve lost everything multiple times, sometimes the only form of power you have is how you choose, or do not choose, to tell your story. And in a world where everybody wants to tell “their truth,” silence is power.

You don’t get to know me, sorry. I’m not gonna hand you my life, both my bad and good experiences, and conclude: “Welp, that’s why I’m so fucked up. Case closed.”

Honestly, I used to be a little confused, or miffed that my former partner (who is an amazing person btw, in every respect) almost never spoke about some of the traumatic things she’d experienced in her past. I took it as a sign that she either didn’t trust me, or she didn’t think I would be a sympathetic listener, or the mere fact of my gender precluded her from sharing because I couldn’t truly understand what it was she had gone through. It’s not like I ever asked her to talk about it, but I did say, once or twice, “hey if you ever wanna talk about that stuff, I’m around.” She never took me up on it, and I let it go.

But as I watched her, and saw her life unfold, over the years we spent together, I began to realize I wasn’t exactly in any position to be telling her how to live her life or how to be mentally healthy. After all, she has found success in a number of avenues, both creative and occupational, and I’ve found neither. I'm not saying the fact that she didn't talk much about her trauma is the reason for her success. I'm saying that she's forged a better path through life than I have, and maybe I should take a cue from that.

She never told me what to do, per se. It was more like living by example. But because I’m pretty dense, and a severe addict, our time together actually sorta reminds me now of that Cornell lyric from his first record: She’s going to change the world. But she can’t change me.

I have certainly found that talking about how shitty my life is only makes me feel more shitty, not free, or unburdened, or better. If you wanna talk about your problems, and you find it helpful, more power to you. Just don’t wait for a corporation to tell you it’s okay to not be okay.

When Chris Cornell died I was so shocked. Of all the grunge icons he seemed the most stable, and he'd survived the rise and fall of two major label rock bands. If anyone had survived the media machine that chewed up and spat out Staley, Cobain, and to a lesser extent Andrew Wood and Shannon Hoon, it was Cornell. He would be the last guy to support hashtag activism like #StarbucksMyLifeSucks. Chris Cornell actually loved to fuck with the best laid plans of corporate rats. Molson once had a few promotional concerts in Tuktoyaktuk, Northwest Territories, called Molson Canadian Rocks Arctic, with both Hole and Soundgarden playing to a crowd of flown-in grunge fans and bemused locals. But the whole anti-corporate thing grunge was known for actually came through when Courtney Love told the crowd she “use[d] Molson Canadian to douche.” Lol. Here’s a photo of Love arriving in Tuktoyatuk.

Cornell told the same people “so we’re here because of some beer company? Labatt’s?” Both artists’ jabs are funny. Cornell’s was a bit more subtle, but that’s what Cornell was like.

So today’s post is about Chris Cornell’s suicide, more specifically the media’s reaction to it. For whatever reason, when Cornell died, every single news outlet, from CNN to Fox to CBC, posted “Black Hole Sun,” as if it’s the only song he ever fucking wrote, or – and this is far worse – the only song he wrote that’s worth hearing. The problem with this is more than twofold or threefold. It's fucking hydraheaded.

Not only is “Black Hole Sun” a mediocre piece of music, it’s a complete misrepresentation of Soundgarden’s sound.

Now, I’m a huge fan of the A.V. Club series HateSong, in which public figures gleefully talk shit about the one song they hate more than any other song in the world. The Max Bemis (Say Anything) one where he talks about Nirvana’s “Rape Me” as a terrible rewrite of “Smells Like Teen Spirit” is terrific, but comedian Anthony Jeselnik’s HateSong takes “Black Hole Sun” apart, and I love it. I think the best line is: I think the more I hear it, the worse it gets. AVC: After the song became a huge hit, Chris Cornell said that he’d written it in about 15 minutes. AJ: I totally believe that. I don’t believe that Soundgarden likes that song. Like, I remember Eminem once said that he knew his song “My Name Is” was going to be a huge hit because the first time he heard it he was annoyed. It’s something about an annoying song that just grabs onto people. But I don’t think that anyone likes “Black Hole Sun.” I’ve never heard of anyone who likes it. I don’t understand why it gets played so much. It’s become a summer jam, and it’s not a summer song at all. Jeselnik is right that Soundgarden didn’t think much of the song. Guitarist Kim Thayil wasn’t kidding when he disparagingly called it the “Dream On” of their live show. And Cornell himself, known for a meticulous approach to his songwriting, had admitted that with “Black Hole Sun”was “probably the closest to me just playing with words for words’ sake, of anything I’ve written. I guess it worked for a lot of people who heard it, but I have no idea how you'd begin to take that one literally.” I mean it’s obvious from the opening lines that Cornell is just playing with words and how they sound: in my eyes/indisposed/in disguises no one knows What songs would have been more appropriate for Cornell’s untimely death? Glad you asked! Cuz there’s like…fucking at least ten that would have been better. I’m not tryna be one of those “the deep album cuts are better maaaaaan,” but with Soundgarden, it happens to be true. With some bands, the single are their best work. With other bands, the singles are the hors d’oeuvres for the entrees. So what deep cuts would have celebrated Cornell’s death a bit better? Well, to begin with, Superunknown’s strange and stately closer “Like Suicide” would have worked, for obvious reasons.

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“Tighter and Tighter,” a song that is actually about the moment of death and what it might feel like, is one of my all-time fav Soundgarden songs. Not only is it a creepy and prescient prediction of what Cornell’s death by hanging himself may have felt like, it’s opening line is a good description of the personification of death: Shadow face/Blowing smoke and talking wind

Another sample lyric: “A sucking holy wind will take me from this bed tonight/and bloody wits another hits me and I have to say goodbye/sleep tight for me, I’m gone/and I hope it’s a sweet ride/here for me tonight/cuz I’m feel I’m going/feel I’m slowing down.”

The morning after Cornell’s death hit the news my buddy and bandmate James told me that en route to work his phone, which was playing music randomly through his car speakers, landed on “Tighter and Tighter” and he had to pull over because he was tearing up.

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“Fell On Black Days” is another song about depression and mortality. Cornell had the following to say about the song: “Fell on Black Days” was like this ongoing fear I’ve had for years ... It's a feeling that everyone gets. You're happy with your life, everything’s going well, things are exciting—when all of a sudden you realize you’re unhappy in the extreme, to the point of being really, really scared. There's no particular event you can pin the feeling down to, it's just that you realize one day that everything in your life is fucked!

Now, if that’s not a cogent and even-tempered explanation of suicidal thoughts, what is? Why else would Cornell have admitted to being “really really scared” by his depression unless he knew what that depression could ultimately leasd to? Here’s some lyrics to “Fell on Black Days.” Dig the high literary use of “whomsoever” and “whatsoever.” Whatsoever I’ve feared has come to life Whatsoever I fought off became my life Just when every day seemed to greet me with a smile sunspots have faded and now I’m doing time cuz I fell on black days

Whomsoever I’ve cured I’ve sickened now Whomsoever I’ve cradled...I put you down I’m a searchlight soul they say but I can’t see it in the night I’m only faking when I get it right I sure don’t mind a change but I fell on black days how would I know that this could be my fate?

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Eagle-eared listeners might think this version different from the album version. They are right. The rendition in the video was recorded live off the floor @ Bad Animals, the Seattle studio owned by Heart, where Soundgarden would record Down on the Upside.

“Boot Camp” is a scary meditation about loss of agency that for years was tied with Zeppelin’s “I'm Gonna Crawl” for Creepiest Song to Cap a Discography, until Soundgarden reunited and released King Animal.

“Taree” is about ghost light, influencing events after dying and features Cornell’s most exhausted, convincing “yeah” @ 2:57.

“Applebite” is a Matt Cameron-penned ponderous clunker about Adam’s original expulsion from Eden. Doomy and death-laden.

“Let Me Drown” is a song about letting someone die.

“The Day I Tried To Live” is frequently cited as Soundgarden’s finest achievement, its odd time signature somehow sounds straight, thanks to Matt Cameron’s brilliant time keeping.

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“4th of July” is a song about a post apocalyptic urban landscape, where the speaker isn’t sure whether he is seeing fireworks or bombs.

“Limo Wreck” is a cool death song and has an eerie 9-11 prediction. “Building the towers belongs to the sky/when the whole thing comes crashing down don’t ask me why.”

ANY of the above songs would have been better than that fucking asinine dirge-like major key fuckaround that has somehow not just become Soundgarden's signature song...but their ONLY song.

Does nobody remember Johnny Cash covering “Rusty Cage?”

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“Outshined?”

“Burden In My Hand?”

“Blow Up The Outside World?”

Did none of these other songs get stuck in the electric head? (The electric head is Rob Zombie’s term for the technologically advanced culture we have found ourselves enmeshed in, or imprisoned by. It was the subtitle for White Zombie’s 1995 hit album Astro-Creep 2000: Songs of Love, Destruction, and other Synthetic Delusions of the Electric Head.)

For my money (which ain’t much honey), the song that best fits both Cornell’s artistic integrity and the sad circumstances of his suicide is “Tighter and Tighter.” I once wrote a whole article on the way artists use “yeah” as a placeholder or as a way to convey emotion when words themselves aren’t adequate. Dig that tired, world-weary exhausted “yeah” at 5:35 of “Tighter & Tighter.”

Or the creepy line going into the first chorus: remember this...remember everything’s just black or burning sun. Not that I agree with such a bleak worldview. It’s a writer’s line. And Randy Bachman has said, “when you’re a writer, you’d step over your own mother.” That’s the Cornell I want to remember. Not that he would step over his own mother. By all accounts he was a committed family man. I mean, I want to remember the Cornell who created strange atmospheric sonic worlds, who explored the dark side that sadly, eventually won out. His otherworldly beautiful music is what I choose to remember about Chris Cornell, not his estate tastelessly exploiting “Black Hole Sun” by using a line from the song to title a posthumous Cornell album of covers No One Sings Like You Anymore. Sigh.

First Cornell’s widow said this was “Chris’s last album.” Okay. What about the Soundgarden songs he recorded vocals for before he died? Kim Thayil was pretty diplomatic about it when asked recently. Cornell did record vocal tracks for the follow up to King Animal.

Kim Thayil: “Given our love for Chris, I do not see us reconfiguring without him.”

But he makes it clear in this interview that Cornell’s widow Vicky has those tracks and won’t release them to the band. Maybe because she blames the band for Chris dying that night? She’s not wrong to believe that they would have known, and seen, what kind of shape Cornell was in, at least at the venue, maybe not later at the hotel.

Kim Thayil: “It’s entirely possible that a new Soundgarden album will be released. Certainly. All it would need is to take the audio files that are available. I tighten up the guitars. Ben does the bass. We get the producers we want to make it sound like a Soundgarden record.”

Interviewer: “Is there an obstacle stopping that?”

Kim Thayil: “There shouldn’t be. There really isn’t. Other than the fact that we don’t have those files.”

Interviewer: “They’re not under your auspices?”

Kim Thayil: “Right. It would be ridiculous if [the record wasn’t made]. But these are difficult things. Partnerships and...property.”

You’re just gonna keep those wav files? And why title his covers album Volume 1 if it’s his “last album?”

Oh right. $$$

No one does sing like Cornell, but is “Black Hole Sun” really the best thing he ever did? The best song he ever sang? Should an album of covers be the last thing he gives to the world?

The only honest answer is no.

Sleep tight Chris. You’re gone.

#betterdaysareatoenailaway #soundgarden #chris cornell #suicide

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skiller0dani · 4 years

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Demon and the Dame | Part Eight

Summary: After a startling secret about Dean is revealed to Eleanor, she has to deal with it. One of Dean’s many enemies he made as a demon comes back to hurt him, by hurting Eleanor.

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Eleanor Walker (OC)

Word Count: 3k

Warnings: Spoiler Alert Season 10, Angst, Sadness, Fighting, Crying, oh and more ANGST,

A/N: I don’t even have a good excuse as to why I’ve abandoned this series for so long. Sorry. Also thanks Tumblr for getting rid of the line breaks. BTW (THIS IS IMPORTANT) Italicized Font is a Flashback

Part 7 Masterlist

Eleanor wasn’t actively avoiding the Winchesters, she just wasn’t making any effort to see them, or talk to them. Also she wasn’t going to any stores they go to, or the bars they frequent, okay so maybe she’s avoiding them. She knows sooner or later she’ll have to tell Dean the truth, but at this point she’s not even sure she accepts it. Was the Werewolf lying? Maybe he was trying to get under her skin, or maybe he knew saying the truth would bother her? Eleanor lays back on her bed, her eyes looking up into the dark ceiling. She’s not even sure she still loves him, maybe she’s just in denial. Maybe none of this matters and Eleanor just needs to move on. Was everything Dean said a game? Everything that happened in Beulah, was he just playing with her? Like how a lion will play with their prey before they kill it? If he does remember her, he’s doing a damn good job of pretending he doesn’t. She doubts he remembers her, he would have said something surely.

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“Dean?” Eleanor’s voice is soft, and slurred with sleep as she reaches across the bed for him. Feeling the cold sheets she sits up, trying to rub the sleep out of her eyes as she adjusts to the dark room. “M’here baby.” He says from the table, and it’s now that Eleanor can make out his silhouette, with a glass of what she presumes to be Whiskey in his hand. The motel room is cold, goosebumps arise on her skin as Eleanor rises to approach Dean. Sliding her hands over his shoulders she carefully slides onto his lap, soaking in the heat radiating from his skin. “You’re warm.” Eleanor hums, and Dean chuckles inwardly. Demons aren’t usually described as ‘warm’, the opposite actually. She cards her fingers through his hair as her eyes find his, “what’re you thinking about?” Eleanor asks, seeing that familiar faraway look in his eyes when he can’t stop thinking about something. Annoyingly, Dean can feel the humanity flare up every now and again, and he can only guess it’s because he didn’t get possessed by a demon. He became the demon, his humanity didn’t disappear, it was just buried. He can feel the ‘old’ him try to re-emerge every once in a while. Always around Eleanor.

“Nothin’. Bad dream.” Dean lies, looking into her eyes with that perfectly crafted ‘wounded puppy’ look he’s learned to do so well. Eleanor’s hands rub his shoulders, and he feels the tension loosen from the muscles. “Come back to bed.” Eleanor whispers but Dean wraps his arms around her waist, and pulls her flush against him as his head finds it’s place in the crook between her shoulder and her neck. “What’s gotten into you?” Eleanor asks with a smile, he never shows this much affection. Dean is more of a physical guy, he never does tender moments. He looks back into her eyes, his own empty. He pushes Eleanor off him before tugging a shirt over his head. “Where are you going?” Eleanor asks as she sits on the edge of the bed. Dean takes a long swig of Whiskey straight from the bottle before he turns to the door. “Anne-Marie has a shift tonight, want to get a taste of that pussy again.” He says before closing the door behind him, and breaking what’s left of Eleanor’s heart.

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Nighttime Rush is bustling as Eleanor pushes in through the doors. Sleep was obviously not going to happen for her tonight, so why not pick up an extra shift? Hopefully get drunk and forget what’s his name. If she’s really lucky, she’ll have bad sex with some guy after her shift and hope he doesn’t get Whiskey dick. Pulling down the top of the skimpy uniform, her breasts are nearly on full display as Eleanor serves drinks to the perverted male customers. A harsh slap to her ass forces a gasp out of her mouth as she turns to see at tall man with dark hair smirking at her. “Look, don’t touch. Asshole.” Eleanor mutters, and his grin grows wider as a chuckle escapes his lips. She swears he looks familiar, she’s seen him somewhere before. “When you’re walking around lookin’ like that, it’s hard to control myself baby doll.” He smiles, and Eleanor honestly just feels like vomiting. Eleanor holds back a shudder as she continues back to the kitchen to put dirty glasses in the sink.

She turns, with a big forced smile on her face to return to the customers but a hand grabs her arm and pulls her down the hallway. When Eleanor looks up, she sees the man from earlier grinning down at her. It’s only now that she notices his limp, he doesn’t put any weight on one of his legs. “Do you not remember me sweet cheeks?” The man whispers in her ear and Eleanor tries to slide away from him. He shoves her back against the wall, his eyes boring down into hers. Eleanor’s eyes widen when she remembers where she first met this man, in Beulah. He and his friends tried to assault her... twice. “What do you want? I’m not as defenseless anymore.” She snaps, her eyes glaring up into his. The man chuckles as he presses a rag to her nose and mouth, and her eyes roll back before everything goes black.

When Eleanor’s eyes widen she looks around and sees she’s in a rundown motel room, “morning.” The man smiles as he sits on a chair at the end of the bed she’s tied to. Eleanor groans, she’s getting really tired of being a ‘damsel in distress.’ “You never answered my question prick.” Eleanor snaps, looking over at him. He chuckles as he begins rolling up the pant leg of his jeans, revealing a horrific looking scar on his shin. “See that douchebag of a boyfriend of yours, destroyed my fuckin’ leg. Shattered the bone, ripped apart the tendons. It’s a miracle I can even walk.” He seethes but Eleanor rolls her eyes, sinking back into the mattress. He then shows her the back of his calf, where an even bigger more disgusting looking scar sits. “Well if you wouldn’t have attacked me then he wouldn’t have shot you.” Eleanor snaps and the mans eyes widen before he laughs.

He stands and stalks over to Eleanor, “you don’t know do you? Of course you don’t. Why would he tell you?” He laughs harder, and Eleanor’s blood runs cold. She feels anxiety pulsing in her chest as she looks up at him, “what are you talking about sleazebag?” Eleanor snaps weakly, feeling nausea turning in her gut. The man leans down close to her, looking her in the eyes. “Dean Winchester ruined my career as a fitness instructor, so I’m going to ruin something perfect in his life. You.” Eleanor laughs bitterly before she spits in his face, “jokes on you. Dean Winchester doesn’t give a shit about me.” She snaps and the man wipes his face off before elbowing her in the nose. Hearing a sickening crunch followed by a few seconds of blinding pain, Eleanor feels blood gushing down her face. “Maybe he didn’t in Beulah, but he does now. The secret to hurting someone, isn’t to kill someone they love. I’m sure that’s where you thought this was going. No the secret to hurting someone, is to hurt them in a way they can’t recover from. Mourning somebody’s death is easy to avoid, but when someone you love leaves you. When they walk out, and you sit there everyday knowing that person is out there, but that they don’t give a shit about you anymore. That is pain.” He says and Eleanor stays quiet as she gazes up at him.

“I would never abandon him.” Eleanor says quietly but the man shakes his head as he slowly sits down again. “You’re mind will change when you hear what I have to say.” He smiles and Eleanor can’t fight the curiosity as she looks at him, silently waiting for him to continue. “Why on Earth would we try to attack you again after your psychotic boyfriend broke my brothers arm with one hand?” He asks and Eleanor shrugs, staying quiet as she keeps her eyes trained on him. “He hired us to do it sweet cheeks. Gave us a big wad of cash and gave us free rein as long as we didn’t kill you. Said we could do whatever, even told us what motel room you were staying in. But never did he say that he was going to shoot me in the leg!” The man explains, his voice raising at the end but all the color drains out of Eleanor’s face. She looks down, her face void of any emotion. She just feels numb. Dean hired those men to attack her, they nearly raped her and he told them to do it. He fucking paid them to do it, why? So he could swoop in and save her like some noble hero?

“Heard him fuckin’ you a few nights later so I guess whatever plan he had worked.” The man sighed and Eleanor felt her heart break into even smaller pieces. That’s why Dean did it, to get in her pants. To fuck her like he fucked Anne-Marie, but she wasn’t as easy as Ann. So Dean had to be clever to get in Eleanor’s pants. He stands and takes out a knife, cutting her hands free. “You can go, and here. For your nose.” Eleanor’s eyes burn as she takes the towel and presses it to her nose, and when she opens the motel room door she finds herself still in Lebanon. She doesn’t bother to turn to the man who kidnapped her, he just tore her entire world apart and flipped it upsidown. Dean Winchester is a monster, he doesn’t care about her. This is all just a game to him, he’s not different. He remembers her, he’s just playing with her. Trying to trick her again. The sun was beginning to rise, and it was a long brisk walk back to her apartment. She trudged up the stairs, missing the Impala parked behind her building.

Eleanor climbs the stairs but pauses when she sees her apartment door ajar, and carefully approaches when she hearts a voice. It makes her heart stop. “Well then where the hell is she Sam? She’s not here, she’s not at work! Someone fucking took her, how the hell do you explain these?” Dean yells, slapping down two photos of Eleanor tied up, unconscious and laying in the backseat of someone’s car. Before Sam can respond, Eleanor pushes the door open. Her eyes are still focused ahead of her, a blank look on her face and Dean’s eyebrows raise in surprise. His expression turns to anger when he sees the bruises on her wrists and the bloody towel, plus her swollen and busted nose. “What happened?” Sam asked as he approached her but Eleanor stepped back, tears gently falling down her cheeks. Sam is probably a demon too, Dean probably turned Sam into a demon so they could wreak havoc together. “Get out, both of you.” Eleanor says softly, her voice lacking conviction as she pushes past them. Dean pinches his eyebrows together, something happened to her and he wants to know what.

“Not until you tell me what happened.” Dean said sternly, but Sam lingered by the door. Eleanor didn’t scream at him, or cry, or do anything but slump down at her kitchen table with a bottle of Whiskey. “You don’t need to pretend anymore Dean. Just please leave me alone, you’ve hurt me enough.” Eleanor says softly and now Dean is just plain confused. Has he done something he isn’t aware of? Is this a girl thing? Did he fuck up somehow? “El, I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.” Dean says in disbelief but Eleanor laughs bitterly, her voice weak. She looks up at Dean, her eyes red and dull. Lacking that sparkle they always have. “Is Sam one too?” Eleanor asks and Sam pinches his eyebrows together as Dean slowly sits across from her at the table. “Is he what?” He asks, wanting more than anything for her to tell him what is going on. Eleanor takes a gulp of Whiskey before looking into his eyes, “a demon.” She says and the entire room falls quiet.

“No, neither of us are demons.” Sam says as he takes a step forward, exchanging a nervous glance with Dean. Even if Dean doesn’t remember, it makes no difference to Eleanor. He still did those things when he didn’t have to, he played with her heart and her body for fun. He nearly got her killed because he paid thugs to assault her. Dean can’t be trusted. Maybe this is what that man wanted, when he said he was going to hurt Dean. “Not anymore at least.” Eleanor says, her voice broken and weak as tears fall down her cheeks. She looks up into Dean’s eyes, who is wide eyed and freaked out as hell. “When you saw me for the first time, you had this look on your face like you’d seen me before.” Dean says and Eleanor’s eyes doesn’t leave him. Her eyes are red and watery as she takes another drink. “You know why.” She snaps and Dean lets out a sigh of frustration. Eleanor looks down at the bottle, swirling the liquid around.

“Beulah. The Black Spur.” She says finally and Dean’s face falls in revelation, he knows what she’s gonna say next. “We met there after one of my shifts. Some guys attacked me, you ruffed them up and they ran off.” She says softly, seeing no look of recognition on his face. Eleanor feels her heart break when she remembers the night they broke into her motel room, the night she cried in Dean’s arms. The night she felt so safe. “You finding me wasn’t an accident was it?” Dean asked her, while Sam stood stunned. Eleanor looked up at Dean with the most heart broken expression. “I looked for you, for a while. Then I gave up, so yeah finding you actually was an accident.” She explains, her body slumped as she takes another gulp of Whiskey. Dean leaned forward on his elbows, she met him before... when he was a demon. This entire time, she already knew who he was. Had memories of him he’d forgotten. “The second time those men attacked me, they had a key to my motel room. I always figured they’d lifted it from my bag. They broke my hand, pulled my pants off, touched me. It was horrible. But you saved me, you came bursting through the door and shot one of them right through his shin.” Eleanor smiled, but tears still dripped down her cheeks.

“You, for that night, were my hero. My knight in shining armor. The person that took me today, was the man you shot. He told me you hired them to attack me again, you even gave them a key to my motel room. Said they could do anything to me as long as they didn’t kill me. You did it to get in my pants Dean, all of it was a game to you. All of it.” Eleanor finishes, her face fallen and eyes empty as she gazes across the table at Dean. His hands are folded on the table, his chest heavy with guilt, he can’t even bring himself to look at her. “You can see yourself out Dean, and if you really do give a crap about people now then you’ll never come back.” Eleanor says calmly, her cheeks still wet with falling tears as Dean pushes back from the table. Dean shoves past Sam, out into the hallway and with one last sad look, Sam joins him.

Eleanor woke with a jolt, her body covered in sweat as she glanced around the dark motel room for 4 men that weren’t really there. Her chest is heaving as she pants, her eyes wide and she feels like the walls are creeping in on her. “Just a dream, c’mere.” Dean mumbles sleepily, his hands reaching out to pull her back down to lay next to him. She reluctantly lays next to him, immediately turning and curling into his chest as his arms wrap protectively around her. “I protected you from them twice, don’t worry.” Dean says as he already begins to fall back asleep. Slowly Eleanor feels her heart rate slow as security and the feeling of being safe in Dean’s arms lulls her back to sleep.

Eleanor laughs bitterly at the painful memory, feeling safe in the arms of the man who put her in danger? How absolutely pathetic is that? She knows that man was trying to hurt Dean, but he hurt her more. Dean doesn’t remember any of the searing kisses, or the sound of panting and the feel of sweaty skin sliding together. Dean doesn’t remember teaching her how to hunt, he doesn’t remember any of it but she does. Eleanor remembers all of it, and now she knows that it really meant nothing to him. She always kind of knew, but to know he went as far as hiring thugs to beat her up so he could have sex with her... it makes her feel sick to her stomach.

“Eleanor I’m serious, just stay away from him.” Anne said, shooting Eleanor a serious look as they continue to wipe down the tables so they could close the bar. “He stopped those men Anne-” Eleanor starts but Anne turns to look at her, hands on her hips and a deadly serious look on her face. “I once watched him beat a man half to death for harassing me, men like Dean are worse than the men who attacked you.” She says and Eleanor doesn’t say anything else as Anne turns to lift chairs and place them on the tables.

Looks like Anne-Marie was right after all.

#dean winchester #dean x reader #dean x OC #dean winchester imagine #supernatural #SPN #short story #demon!dean #demon dean imagine #demon and the dame #dean winchester smut #demon #scary

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puffmamaa · 5 years

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Elbow Deep: Part 2

Hey, everybody! So here is Part 2. Finally! After racking my brain for daaayss, I was able to find some inspiration to write this. It will be a series btw. My first, so be gracious. I’m sensitive about my shit.

CATCH UP: Part 1.

Pairing: Erik ‘Killmonger’ Stevens x Black, Dark-Skin, Plus Size OC. (Always💛)

Summary: It all started with a plate of hot wings, y’all.

Word Count: 4.1k

Warnings: Cussing. Use of the N-word. Mention of the death of a parent. Mention of emotional abuse, fatphobia, & cheating in a romantic relationship. And a small mention of Steve Harvey, just in case the thought of his mustache triggers anybody. 🙃

A/N: I had to make some changes. One big one is that Erik isn’t the director of the Wakandan Outreach Center like what was mentioned in Part 1. He actually doesn’t work with it at all. But it’ll all be explained as we go along. Hopefully, it’ll makes sense. If not, I’ma need y’all to just roll with it anyways lol.

Bold, Italic font is inner dialogue.

——

Janessa moved through the gala hall towards her sit, her thick hips swaying between the tables.

“Girl, where the hell did you go? Leaving me here all by myself,” Chantelle, Janessa’s best friend, scowled lowly. She was a tall, fluffy-thick with sepia brown skin that was complimented well by her long, navy gown. Her fluffy burgundy twist was pinned in a cute updo.

“You’re the one who nearly begged to be my plus one. I figured you wouldn’t mind,” Janessa whispered back, tossing her black, waist length locs over her shoulder as she sat down. “Plus, I was hungry and had to find something actually edible.”

“Heffa, you ate without me? What kind of friend…” Chantelle gave her a betrayed look.

“You looked fine picking at that bird food early. Kiki-ing real hard with whoever that guy was.”

“That’s because he looked like he had a little money. But he was a whole cornball. Going on about Steve Harvey being his role model or something. I couldn’t hear shit else after that.”

Janessa scoffed. “You better leave them bootstrappin’ negros alone.”

“I know. I usually wouldn’t even entertain…” Chantelle trailed off. “Who is that guy staring at you?”

“What?” Janessa replied, looking in the same direction as Chantelle. “Oh. I meet him earlier in the kitchen. We had some wings together.”

“You sure all he wanted was the wings? Cause he’s looking at you like you’re a bowl of gravy. And he’s the biscuit.”

“Girl,” Janessa huffed.

“Uh, uh. He FINE fine.” She squinted her dark brown eyes. “Did you at least give him your number?”

“Hell no. I didn’t come here for all tha—OW!” She yelped.

Chantelle had given her one of those big mama church pinches.

“What the fuck was that for?”

“Letting his delectable ass get away. I should do worse but we in public so I’ll let you live,” she half joked.

Janessa rubbed the sore spot on her thigh and looked over towards Erik. He was staring. And he was fine. It’s not like she didn’t notice before. She definitely did. His smooth brown skin and dark amber eyes. The way his meticulously sculpted facial hair framed his deep dimples. And those lips. She could feel herself starting to overheat. Uh, uh. No Ma’am. To her, a man like that couldn’t be nothing but trouble.

“Girl, I’m good,” Janessa said.

“Nah. You trippin’, is what you is,” Chantelle huffed, turning her attention back to the stage.

—

“And now for a particularly special part the evening. My favorite, I might I add...”

Erik tuned out the sound of T’Challa’s voice. All he could focus on was the beautiful woman in white and the way her dark, umber colored skin glistened against her bright dress. Janessa. The woman he’d just spent over half an hour eating hot wings with. The woman he’d felt oddly comfortable with in such a short period of time. The same woman he let leave his presence without asking her out or at very least, getting her number.

To be honest, Erik didn’t usually have to ask. Women would sell their panties for a chance to get at him. He even had to keep a few beckies at arm’s distance throughout the night. But not her. She actually walked her fine, plump ass out of the kitchen without so much as a second glance back. It hit him in his ego, he’d had to admit. But it also made him more interested in her.

Erik moved from his spot on the wall, eying a way to get over to her.

“Hey—Wait a minute, aren’t you from Wakanda? A short, thin-lipped white man asked.

“No.” Erik said blankly, attempting to move past him.

“Yes! I remember seeing you with the King before. Wa...W’kabi, isn’t it?

“Hell nah,” Erik flared his nostrils. “Ain’t nobody ever tell you it’s rude to talk during presentations?”

“Oh! Well, I didn’t me—“

“Yeah, uh huh,” Erik said inching away. He scanned the room. I just had my eyes on her...

“...so let’s give a round of applause to our honoree, The 2019 Most Influential Community Leader of the Year, Janessa James!”

Erik snapped his neck around so fast he swore he heard it crack. He looked up to see Janessa on stage exchanging a handshake and hug with T’Challa.

—

“I’m so proud of my baby!” Chantelle squeezed her arms around Janessa’s neck. “The best Director East Oakland Community Outreach Center has ever seen and now being honored by the King? My bestie is a bad boosh!”

“Thanks, girl!” Janessa hugged her back just as tight. “But you know we all put in hella work for the community. What would I do without my Assistant Director, holding me down?”

“Well, shit let me hold the award then.” She said taking the plaque from her bestie.

“Congratulations, Janessa!” Shuri hugged her from behind. “I’m so glad you and the center are getting the exposure you deserve!”

“I should be thanking you too. All you’ve done with helping us start the STEM program,” Janessa beamed at the teenage genius.

Shuri shot her a big smile. She had spent the last year partnering with the East Oakland Community Outreach Center. Her work introduced the youth in the community to STEM education they wouldn’t regularly have access to in their underfunded school system. She loved the center and had built meaningful relationships with so many of the people there.

“You are too kind. You know, I...” Shuri turned around slowly, feeling a large yet familiar presence behind her.

“Congratulations. I didn’t know you were being awarded tonight,” Erik said to Janessa, slowly moving his cousin out of the way.

“How do you two know each other?” Shuri questioned.

“We met earlier,” Erik replied, not taking his eyes off Janessa.

“There he goes with that staring again,” Chantelle teased as she moved to greet him. “I’m Chantelle. Janessa’s best friend.” She extended a hand to him.

He smiled and took it. “Erik.”

“MMhmmp! Look at those dimples. Deep enough to hide from the police in,” She chirped.

Janessa chuckled. Her friend was so damn extra.

Erik turned his attention back to Janessa. He look her over slowly and licked his juicy lips. “I was thinking, since we had such a good time earlier, how about I treat you to a real meal?” He ran his knuckle down the length of her arm.

Janessa raised an eyebrow at him, flicking his finger off of her. “Uh, no. I’m good,” she scoffed.

Erik and Chantelle both cocked their necks back.

“You good?”

“Yeah.”

“I mean, are you busy or something? Cause I can do lunch too.”

“No. Well, I am a busy woman. But that’s not why I’m not interested. I just...don’t want to.”

“You don’t want to? Why?” Erik was genuinely confused. He did not expect her to turn him down. “I thought we were vibin’ back there.”

“We had a nice little conversation. A cute time. But that doesn’t mean I owe you a date.” Janessa said in a harsh tone.

“And I—oop.” Shuri yelped.

Chantelle’s jaw damn near hit the floor. She knew her friend to pull no punches with men but she was laying it on extra thick with Erik.

“Come on, baby girl.” Erik ran a hand over his hair. “You serious right now?”

“As a heart attack, baby boy.”

Erik furrowed his brows.

“Well, we’ve got to get going. Bye Shuri. I’ll see you later,” Janessa gave Shuri a quick hug.

She gave Erik a cold once over and turned back at Shuri. “Enjoy the rest of your evening.”

She grabbed Chantelle, whose mouth was still wide open, and headed towards to exit. Erik stood there, still thrown off at the scene that just played out.

Shuri exploded with laughter. “Now, N’Jadaka. I thought you said you had ‘the juice’.”

She patted her baffled cousin on the back and walked away, still giggling.

—

“BITCH, what the hell?” Chantelle pressed hand to Janessa’s forehead. “Did you bump your head or some shit? That fine ass man just asked you out. Not only did you decline, but you left that poor baby with half his face on the floor,” She laid her head back against the seat, still in shock at her friends actions.

“He’s a grown ass man. He’ll be just fine. And like I said to you and him, I’m good,” Janessa bent down to remove her heels. “I know his type. Arrogant. Smooth. And rude as fuck. Talking about ‘Let me treat you to a meal.’ Because I’m a big girl, I must want to eat? Tuh! And did you see him touch me? Uh, uh. He’s probably used to having his way with women.”

“If I were you, I would have let him have his way with me,” Chantelle retorted.

“I’d rather not be number ‘umpeenth’ on his hit it and quit it list.”

“That‘s a damn shame,” Chantelle shook her head. “He look like he got good dick. The kind you need right about now. That ‘let him drop you off at your job in your car’ kind of dick.”

“Well, I guess we’ll never find out.”

“Speak for yourself. I’ma see if his ass is on BLK.” Chantelle pulled out her phone and stated swiping through her apps.

Janessa gave her a vicious side-eye.

“OKAY. I’m was just playing, damn.” Chantelle said as putting her phone away. She pulled out the parking lot and headed back towards their neighborhood.

—

Janessa pushed her large black rimmed glasses further up her face and streched her body in her plush office chair. She rubbed her hands down her high waisted olive colored pants and adjusted her long-sleeved, cream colored wrap top. She sighed as she pulled her long ponytail of locs over her shoulder. The center was preparing for its Annual Juneteenth Celebration. Which meant more work added to her already full schedule. But she couldn’t complain too much. It was her favorite event of the year. The whole block came out; youth, elders, and everyone in between. They’d have spades and uno games going. Basketball and baseball competitions. And a huge cookout, where the women would argue over who made the best potato salad while the men drank Coronas and grilled meat. But the best part was the ending ceremony. Everyone would meet in the basement of the center. One of the griots would tell stories of their ancestors and their survival through middle passage and slavery. The youth would give dance performances and skits, inspired by the favorite Black icons and moments in history. At the end, they would pray and sing songs to pay respect and homage to those that came before them. It was a beautiful day and never failed to bring Janessa to tears. Seeing her culture celebrated so proudly across generations really touched her heart.

A small knock at her door shook her out of her thoughts.

“Come in.”

“Hey, boss lady,” Chantelle smiled, walking into the office. She sat down in one of the chairs in front her friend’s crowded desk.

“Hey, Channy,” Janessa said, “What’s up?”

“Derek just checked today’s delivery. The order for the sports equipment was short.”

“Short? That’s not possible. I doubled checked the numbers myself,” Janessa furrowed her brows. “Did they mix up the order or something.”

“Nope. We both checked the invoice. I wasn’t a mistake on their end.”

“That can’t be right…” Janessa let out a deep sigh. She pressed a button on her office phone, buzzing her assistant. “Tandy, can you come here for a second?”

She was met with low giggles and whispers from the other end.

“Tandy?” She said a little louder.

“Oh! Hey, what‘s up?”

“I asked if can you come into my office.”

“Um yeah, hold on.”

Tandy entered Janessa office holding her cell in her hand. She was tall, slim and light-brown skin with a short brown TWA.

“You rang?” She said in a sing-songy voice.

Chantelle groaned.

“You ordered the sports equipment, right?”

“Yeah, I did. Why?”

“Well, only about half came. And based on the invoice, it’s because the wrong order was placed. Did you order thirty, like I asked?”

“Thirty? Girl, I thought you said thirteen. My bad.”

Janessa rubbed the bridge of her nose.

Chantelle gave Tandy a wide-eyed look.

“Tandy. I sent it in an email. And I told you in person. Twice.”

“Ohh, Pffhhtt! I don’t be checking that email like that,” Tandy let out a short laugh. “You want me to order more?”

“No, Tandy,” Janessa tried to remain calm and professional. “They wouldn’t be here in time anyways. I’ll take care of it.”

She shrugged. “Okaay. Well, do you need anything else from me?”

“No, that’s all.”

“Cool. I’ma go head and take my lunch then,” She exited the office, giggling at something on her phone as she closed the door.

Janessa threw her head back and let out a loud groan.

“I swear that girl is gonna be the death of me.”

“I don’t know how you deal with it. Between all the attitude and incompetence. Girl I can’t,” Chantelle shook her head in disbelief.

“Who you telling? If it’s not her constantly messing something up, she’s flirting with any breathing body that walk through the door,” Janessa rolled her eyes. “Last week I caught her getting fresh with the damn UPS man. And don’t get me started on the volunteer sign up. She ‘forgot’ to update the dates on the form and now we’re short-handed for this weekend.”

“Two words: New Assistant.”

Janessa sighed, “I know, I know. But I’m trying to give her a chance, you know? She’s young and needs experience. And you know it’s hard for us. What’s the point of me being in this position if not to put other Black women on?”

“I hear you. But for one, she’s not that much younger than us. And for two, she obviously doesn’t take her job seriously. I get your trying be patient and understanding, but you got to consider the big picture. It seems like she’s adding more stress to your load than anything.”

“Yeah, you’ve got a point,” Janessa rolled her lips, looking off into the distance.

“Listen,” Chantelle rubbed her hands over her knee-length black dress. “There’s something else I needed to talk to you about.”

“Okay. What is it?”

“That whole scene the other night, at the gala.”

“Girl, I know you’re not still on that.”

“Yeah, well you were kind of doing the most, friend. What was up with that?”

“I told you. I don’t trust guys like him.”

“But you don’t know him,” Chantelle said. “He could be a decent guy. I mean, he was cool enough for you to eat chicken wings with. What could a date hurt?”

“Why are you defending him? You don’t know him either.”

“I’m not defending him. I’m looking out for you,” She scooted closer to the desk, looking Janessa in the eyes. “I’ve seen you shut down almost ever guy who shows any kind of interest in you. I know men can be trash but you don’t have to give up on all of them. Everybody isn’t Andrew.”

Janessa shifted uncomfortably at the sound of her ex-boyfriend’s name. “What does he have to do with anything?”

“I mean you haven’t really dated anyone seriously since him. And it’s been years now.”

“So what? Being single is a problem? Turning down some stupid ass niggas who just want to waste my time is wrong?” She scowled in a defensive tone.

“No. It’s just...I worry about you sometimes. I know between dealing with Drew and what happened with you dad, it’s been hard for you to—.”

“I said, I’m fine. Okay?” Janessa fingered the sun-shaped pendant on her necklace. ”Look, I need to pick up this equipment while I have some extra time.”

“Nessa, I’m didn’t mean to upset you,” Chantelle grabbed her hand.

“I’m cool,” Janessa snatched her hand back. She stood up, grabbing her denim jacket and purse. “I’ll see you when I get back.”

Chantelle sighed, walking out of the office with her. “Okay.”

—

Janessa rushed through Joyner’s Sporting Goods, one of the only Black-owned sporting good stores in the city. She hated last minute shopping. But she obviously couldn’t trust her assistant with a simple task. Plus, she needed to get out the office. Chantelle’s comments had gotten to her. She knew she meant well, but her relationship with Andrew was a sensitive topic for her. He was her first everything, including her first heartbreak. She met him right after her father passed. He took advantage of her vulnerability and insecurity, always insinuating she wasn’t pretty enough or needed to lose weight. In the end, he winded up leaving her for some chick he was sleeping with while they were still together. Janessa was a complete mess after that. Chantelle was the one who helped her keep it all together. She didn’t have any other family around since her father was basically a single parent. Chantelle was even the one who encouraged her to start volunteering at the center in the first place. She was all Janessa had.

“Damn. I should have gotten a cart.” Janessa said as she felt her phone vibrating in her pocket. She shifted the stuff in her arms around to answer.

“Hello?”

“Hey. Just checking your ETA. We still have some details we need you to finalize for this weekend.” Chantelle said through the phone.

“I’m still in Joyner’s but I should be finished soon,” Janessa sighed, shuffling her weight between her feet. “Channy, I’m sorry about earlier. I know I was a little rude. It’s just all that stuff...I don’t have time for it right now.”

“Yeah, I probably shouldn’t have brought it up while you were working. I was just concerned,” she said.

“I know. And I appreciate it. You’re always looking out for me.”

“And you know this,” Chantelle joked. “For both you and your lil nani, at this point. Because I’m concerned for her too.”

Janessa let out a loud laugh. She turned around to continue her shopping and smacked right into a shelf, knocking everything out of her arms.

“Shit,” Janessa yelped.

“You okay?” Chantelle asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Janessa sighed, trying to balance her phone between her shoulder and ear as she kneeled down. “I just need to hurry up and get out of here.“

“You need some help?”

Janessa looked up in the direction of a familiar voice. Standing there was Erik, with a smug little smirk on his handsome face. He wore a black hoodie that read ‘Lost Tribe’, black basketball shorts, and all black Air Max 90’s. His locs hung loosely to one side.

“Aw hell,” She whispered, still crouched down. “Not you.”

“Look Too Tough, I’m just trying to help. With your short, little arms I don’t think you can hold all that and run ya mouth on the phone at the same time,” He teased, leaning on his shopping cart.

“Huh? Who was that?” Chantelle questioned.

“Nobody. I’ll talk to you later,” Janessa quickly hung up and turned her attention back to Erik. “Too tough? Really nigga?”

“Yea, cause that’s how you was acting the other night,” He grinned, his gold slugs gleaming.

“Whatever,” She tried to grab some of her stuff off the floor. “I’m good, I got it.”

“You good,” Erik mocked, squatting down to help her. “What you need with all these toys, anyways? You got kids?”

“And if I do? Will that get you to leave me alone?”

“Nah. Kids love me,” He placed a couple of baseball bats in the cart.

Janessa rolled her eyes and pursed her lips. “Well, for your information, nosey. I don’t have any kids. These are for the center I work at.”

“Riight. Director of the East Oakland Community Outreach Center. Most Influential Community Leader of the Year.”

“You’ve been stalking me or something?”

Erik chuckled, “No, but I do tend to research things that interest me.”

Janessa snorted, rolling her eyes harder. “You’re laying it on pretty thick there, sir.”

”I could say the same for you and all your attitude, ma’am.”

Janessa let out a long sigh. This nigga got an answer for everything.

“Look, I still have more shopping to get done and other places to be. So, I can’t stand here and chat with you all day.”

“Cool, me too. Let’s go.” Erik grabbed the cart, and turned around. He pushed it towards the next aisle. Janessa reluctantly followed. She didn’t really need a shopping buddy but that didn’t stop Erik from grabbing her shopping list and picking things out. She attempted to regain control over her shopping trip but Erik wasn’t having it. Eventually she relented, figuring it was easier to let him take over instead of fighting him in the middle of the store. She tried to keep the conversation at a minimum but that was damn near impossible with all the questions he asked. Eventually, she told him more about her work at the center, including the Juneteenth Celebration. He told her that he owned and operated his own fitness studio, which made sense as to why he seem to know the store like back of his hand. And why he was built like a fucking brick wall. Janessa had to catch herself from staring at his body every time he turned away or bent down. But before she realized it, she found herself actually enjoying his company. Well, for a second time.

They both checked out and headed towards the parking lot. Janessa unlocked her car and popped the trunk. Erik pulled the shopping cart towards it and loaded her bags inside.

“Thanks,” she said jingling her keys in her hands.

“No problem,” Erik closed the trunk. “Honestly, I’m surprised you’re letting me help you, Too Tough.”

Janessa laughed at the nickname this time. “Are you always this corny?”

“You could find out if you let me take you on a proper date.”

“Haven’t we done this already?”

“Yeah, when you shot me down in front of all those people and left me heartbroken in the middle of the floor. Only to twirl away and out the door with your friend,” Erik recited, dramatically flaring his hands. “Yet here I am, brave enough to try again. You gonna go easy on a nigga this time?”

Janessa rolled her eyes. “That was me being easy on you.”

Erik let out a light laugh, “I couldn’t tell. I mean damn, ma. You act like I got the cooties or something.”

Janessa noticed his face soften a little. She sighed. “Listen, I got a lot going on right now. Things have been crazy hectic at work. And this weekend is approaching fast. I have tons of things to do. Paperwork to review. Hella meetings to attend. And I still have to figure out how to replace the volunteers we lost,” Janessa took a long breath to stop her ranting. “I don’t have the time for this.”

“Volunteers?”

“Yeah, we’re short a bunch of volunteers for the celebration.”

“Hmm,” Erik rub his hand through his beard. “You know, I’m free this weekend.”

“What?”

“I’m saying, I can stop by and help out. Whatever you need.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. On one condition, though.” Erik moved closer and lowered himself to meet her height, his nose almost touching hers. The scent of his cologne teased Janessa’s nostrils. Damnit, he smells good.

“And what’s that?” She said, bringing herself back to the conversation.

“You agree to go out with me.”

Janessa squinted her eyes at him. She wasn’t in a position to turn down volunteers, especially if she wanted this event to go off without a hitch.

Erik raised an eyebrow at her, a smirk dancing on his lips.

“Fine. I’m sure your brolic ass could help with some of the heavy lifting.”

Erik shot her a big grin and licked his lips. “Perfect.”

Janessa gave him the center’s contact information and a copy of the event flyer before getting into her car.

“Aight, Too Tough. I’ll see you this weekend.” Erik said.

She pursed her lips lightly. “See you, Erik.”

He winked and jogged off in the opposite direction.

Janessa started her car and pulled out the lot. As she drove, her thoughts drifted to Erik. His persistence was annoying as fuck. But at the same time, kind of cute? She thought about what Chantelle said earlier. Maybe she could give him a chance. It’s just one date.

She let out a deep sigh. The whole thing still made her feel uneasy. Erik was a charming motherfucker. She knew that too much of him and she’d be like Jill Scott, singing about grits and shit.

She clutched her necklace, fiddling with the sun-shaped pendant.

It was going to be an interesting weekend.

——

Taglist: @essaysbyciara @janelledarling @destinio1 @bitchacho25 @chaneajoyyy @quietstorm-73 @lifelover4u

Let me know what y’all think!

Like, comment, & reblog!

🌞

#erik killmonger #erik killmonger x oc #erik stevens x reader #erik stevens imagine #erik killmonger fanfic #erik stevens #killmonger #killmonger x oc #killmonger x reader #killmonger fanfic #killmonger fanfiction #n’jadaka #black panther fanfic #black panther imagine #black panther #Elbow Deep

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smokebreakblog · 5 years

Text

4/20 in Nashville...

Maaaaaaan, that was the dopest show I’ve had in my shitty lil career. One that was filled with Love, herb, alcohol, friends, vibes and ENERGY. The coolest aspect had to be getting to share a road trip with my Little sister (by a year). Getting to see her experience life outside of the village I’m from was dope enough for me...so if you want to read some deets, let me hear you say....JK, I ain't THAT corny...lets get it..

intro to it all, took shots of tequila with my cousins the night before...Not a good idea when you have to deal with Enterprise in the AM needing way more forms of ID and shit,,,that I don't have..caused us to get on the road wayyyy later than expected...which in then turned into Blind ass Christian, Driving in a four lane highway...With a downpour of rain...and a sister in the passenger seat thinking my vision is better than it is...but nonetheless we made it to Madison TN..Where we got to link up with some of the funkiest motherfuckers I've come to know. The Weird sisters..Sir Izaac (the guy shredding in all the videos I have, also my guest DJ).

We were met with a basement full of people putting in work on these big ass ring girl style cards for their set..in font of what had to be about 8 old style TVs, hooked up to a VHS player..which was playing the 98 olympics...We got stoned, we geeked out over a throwback eat N Park videos...and I ordered my fat ass some food, which resulted me putting IZ on to Lemon Pepper flavored wings..I know right? how doesn't he already know about that sacred flavor?? I”m just glad I was there for his first time...Pause..

Now Play..

fast forward to 4/20 and My soundcheck is at 4p....show doesn't even start till 9p..and bruv/Bruvette..when I tell you that I was so excited to have an hour to myself for the set, ya’ll need to believe me..because I’m used to shows where soundcheck is literally like 30 mins before the doors open...or in some cases while the people are coming in (Fuck me right??) anyways...the coolest shit happens...so at this venue, there's mad floors, different rooms..so like...upstairs there was like a wedding reception or some shit...nonetheless they were getting on with their event during my soundcheck one of the guest comes in...at the time I thought he was like security for some shit,...but no...he was a guest. so I start flexing and shit..rapping all crazy being all extra..feeling my shit..so like I open my eyes and look over and there’s like 4 of em...just chillin mouth open all sick..

“How it sound?” I asked

“Really fucking good bro”- in my best white dude voice.

after soundcheck we still had like 4 hours to kill...so instead of napping like I planned on...My sister wanted to go do some shit..So we walk down the road to this little jazz joint and come across a man playing the bass and crooning so smooth...Name was Shawn Munday. I kept it V PA and ordered myself a Yueng..and vibed the fuck out...

I wish we had more shit like that back home...

ANYWAYS...

doors open and the people start coming in...I remember looking at Izaac and asking

“yo how many people you think will be here??”

“Oh we’ll at least bring in 100.” he said casually..

I’m embarrassed to say I don't see many crowds like that...But thanks to The Weird sisters and The morning After Crew..I got a taste of big crowd energy...and yo I have to say..It felt natural as a Mf yo..It made me want to shed my existence as a little store manager trying to make it to Full Nomad until I get mine..The crowd listened to every word..I know this because f the many people I ran into trying to get a drink after my set reciting lines that they heard for the first time during a set that day...on 4/20 at that...and again..Im not talking my shi or flexing...I’m still high off the vibes..

SIDENOTE...You can watch the Live feed On my IGTV ----> [here]<-----

After the Weird Sisters and The Morning After Crew threw down and put the crowd into even more of a fit..I ran up to announce the after party one last time...we took pictures with people in the crowd, closed our tabs and packed up..I didn't drive btw...of course not I wanted to drink...so we run into this Lyft driver who was at the show,...who happened to be off duty...who happened to be going to the after party...so call me crazy, but I took that ride..Me, my sister and this dope ass dude who I will not name..but he did pass me a packed cone and showed love about the set. We get back to an after party that was actually pretty lit. handles of liquor, bong packs, doobs...L’s...Etc..we rode the waves into the wee hours of the night...and so this doesn't turn into a ramble...Im going to list a few things here that I feel people should Abide by..

Don't be the dick at a party that imposes on somebodys joint...You really bout to come through and like not even ask just look at me like yo let me hit that..My nigga I don't even know your name...Were you even at the show?? FOH

and that’s it...I was gonna smack that MF...but whatever, good vibes..not my crib..keep it moving..

In the end, my sister DID get to go kick it around nashville the next day..ate, laughed..made memories I don't need to share with ya’ll and I’m just happy I can do that with the music I make..That’s dope af to me..ont he last morning my sister and I packed a couple bowls...rolled a few for the road..wrote a goodbye note to the sleeping musical geniuses and hit the road..there is so much that I left out but that’s for us..go experience your own shit..It’s fun.

since we made it back...I’ve been having a terrible itch to quit my job and just attack this shit..but i need to calm my shti down real quick,...

Or do I?...

Until Next time...

P.L.G

Dowatchulike

-MULU

Now I leave you with this Gem...

Miss ya’ll.

#Mulu #Mulumusic #Nashville #Tennessee #Music #Hip Hop #Rock #Morning after crew #The Weird Sisters #High watt #On the road #Road Life #Observation #Journal #420 #Smoker #Funny #Jokes #Commentary

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swiftedbethy13 · 7 years

Photo

I’m now going to tell you about the most magical and amazing experience I’ve ever had and ever will have. This post is SO long so go grab some popcorn 🍿

So on October 2nd I was working a nightshift. It was little to do and just went in and checked my emails. I saw two emails from twitter saying Taylor Nation had sent me a DM!! I panicked so bad and went on my twitter to check if it was real. And on my twitter I have two DMs from Taylor fucking Nation. I stared shaking so bad and could barely breathe. The message said *CONFIDENTIAL MESSAGE* and that they have a secret, special event they would like to talk to me about, and to send my full name, phone number and best time to contact me. Have you ever tried typing in details like that while your hands are shaking so bad like you’re on drugs?! ITS HARD MAN! I obviously gave them my details (duh), and told them my lips are sealed and it sounds so exciting! Then I panicked cos I thought my reply was too late, and had to ask if I was too late, and then I apologised for sending them so many messages 😂 They said “haha you’re all good, thanks doll”. Then I was supposed to take care of newborns and their moms and stay calm at the same time. IT WAS SUCH A STRUGGLE! I had to go to the bathroom to try and breathe.

We were not supposed to tell ANYONE, but I just had to send my friend Lyndsay a message saying it’s important to check you DMs on twitter often. And she replied “I know, you too…” and I just KNEW she had gotten a message too. If she replied with something different I wouldn’t have told her anything. We started freaking out together and it was beautiful.

I didn’t know when to expect a phone call, all I knew was that I need to have my phone on sound at all times. Like you can’t miss the most important phone call of your life! I had an evening shift the next day and told work I just have to have my phone on sound cos I’m waiting for a very important phone call. Every time my phone rang I just immediately panicked 😂. I can’t remember the time but I was at work and in a patients room when my phone started ringing. I quickly said “sorry I have to take this” and ran out of the room. I look at my phone and it’s calling from New York 😱 I die and start shaking and answer. It was Ali calling from Taylor Nation!! She confirmed it was the right person she was talking too and gave me some more details. It was going to be a secret special event in London on Friday the 13th of October from 4pm-11pm. She asked if I was going to be able to make travel arrangements and I was like “duh YAS OF COURSE”. She told me I could bring a plus’s one, and since I knew that Lyndsay was already going, I gave them my friend Alex’s details. She told me again that this was confidential and I couldn’t speak about it to anyone except my parents, guardian and boss at work. I was going to get more information early the week following. I probably sounded like the most bored person cos I was IN SHOCK, like I was just “yeah” “uhu”, “yes”, and didn’t show any excitement at all 😂. She hung up and continuing work was the hardest thing EVER!

I made travel arrangements and sorted hotels with my friends. I was already going to London on the Sunday till Wednesday before the event on Friday, so I knew the week would go quick anyways. On Sunday evening I out of the blue get an email. I was at the hotel with my mom having a pamper evening, and I was SO THROWN OFF COS I THOUGHT I WOULD GET IT ON MONDAY OR TUESDAY. My mom filmed my reaction to getting this email and it shows how Taylor Swift makes me feel nearly 24/7 😂. The email again said that it was confidential and not to post anything about it or tell anyone. They gave us an address for a Holiday In hotel where we were going to meet up. They said not to bring too much personal belongings cos this was going to be taken off us as well as our phones. AT THIS POINT I STARTED TO BE MORE CERTAIN THAT I WAS GOING TO A SECRET SESSION. Hence my reaction to getting the email lol. I still tried to not get my hopes up, and tried to tell myself that maybe I’ll get to hear a new song and have a swiftie party. Good thing I was in London and could get myself an outfit. OMG IVE NEVER BEEN MORE STRESSED ABOUT FINDING AN GOOD OUTFIT EVER!! I did find it by the help of my really good friend!

THIS STORY IS GETTING SO LONG, sorry 😂 Well done for getting this far. I’m going to skip forward to Friday now (aka the best day of my life).

So, FRIDAY THE 13TH. I get up at 4am to catch my flight to London. My stomach is doing backflips trying to catch butterflies cos I was so excited and nervous and anxious at the same time. I couldn’t listen to any Taylor music cos I would just start to cry, so I ended up listening to P!nks new album (which is amazing btw). When I get to London I meet up with Lyndsay, Megan and Alex. We head to the hotel where we are going to stay and to meet up. Here we get dressed and as I was to put my makeup on I realise that I’ve forgotten all my make up and I go in a full on panic. IM SUCH AN IDIOT! Luckily Megan had makeup I could borrow. After we got ready we headed down to outside the hotel. There were loads of girls with red lipstick and dresses so we knew we were in the right place 😍. We qued up outside, they were running late, think we stood outside for 40 minuets maybe. We then got to the front of the line and inside (finally cos I was freezing my ass of). Taylor Nation was there ready to sign us in!! We signed a confidentiality contract and showed our ID and GOT OUR WRISTBAND!!! (KANDJFJRJDJ)!! It said United Kingdom on it, written in reputation font!!! SO EXCITING! We then went down the stairs to a room with lots of chairs in. There were refreshments, and hot drinks (yay for cold me!) for us while we waited for further instructions.

Then we were told to leave our stuff behind, including phone, and the first 25 people went on a bus. Me and Alex got on the second bus. Now I stared getting SO nervous, it’s ridiculous. Before we went on we where scanned by security. Then the bus took off! We drove a title while and was driving through the most posh neighbourhood EVER, like I WANNA LIVE THERE! The bus stopped and we were told to be quiet while we went off. I realised we were at a house, and you could only guess I was thinking we were at TAYLORS HOUSE!! There were lots of security while we were taken in a back entrance of the house and in through the basement. I had to knock on the door 😂 (so I could say I knocked on Taylor Swifts door, I know I’m extra 😂). We got scanned by security again before we were taken up to the kitchen. GUYS, THIS HOUSE IS AMAZING!! ITS SO HUGE. We still haven’t by this point been told where we are, but duh 🙄. I KNEW we were at Taylor’s house. Her kitchen is beautiful! She has 4 ovens!! There were lots of snack on the counters. Homemade chicken nuggets, fruit, cheese and fizzy drinks. There were also REP cookies!! And REP m&ms! SO COOL! Andrea and Scott was also in the kitchen talking to other fans. Me and Alex just hung around and talked to a few people. Then Lyndsay and Megan arrived, we hugged each other cos they also realised where we were. We then ended up talking to Scott. He has never been to Norway!! And I told him he neeeeeds to come here.

Her house smells AMAZING. I obviously had to see which candles she was burning so I could by them 😂. We were then told to get in a line as we were going to a different room. This was after everyone had arrived and had some food. Me, Alex, lyndsay and Megan were quite up front as we were taken to a living room. There were cushions on the floor and we sat down. I sat down not even thinking about where. Me and Alex chose a high cushion and shared it. A 100 people was going to fit in this room and it got really tight! When everyone had found a spot there was some whispering and the door opened a little. THEN THE QUEEN THAT IS TAYLOR SWIFT WALKS INTO THE FUCKING ROOM AND IM SCREAMING. We were so loud! I FUCKING LOVE HER SO MUCH 😭😭 Like I couldn’t believe she was like right there in the same room as me. As I was having difficulties breathing she sat down like 2 meters away from me and Alex, we had such a good view of her like OMG. Then she said we were going to hear the whole FUCKING ALBUM AND WE DIED. We now knew this was A FUCKING SECRET SESSIONS PEOPLE! SHE ALSO SAID SHE HANDPICKED EVERYONE! I FUCKING DIED! TAYLOR HAS LURKED ME FOR A YEAR WITHOUT ME KNOWING 😭😭 I’ve never had a like or a follow, and I don’t have many followers on any social media. STILL SHE FOUND ME! I’m got eye contact with her so many times during the listening 😭😭😍! SHE IS SO HAPPY TOO!! I JUST LOVE HER SO MUCH! AND IM TELLING YOU GUYS THIS ALBUM IS BLODDY AMAZING. (If you think you are stupid enough that I’m going to tell anything about the album, you are being funny, don’t bother asking 😉)

After she had pledged the album we got to look through the magazines!!! THEY ARE AMAZING AND IM SO HAPPY I WILL BE ABLE TO BUY ONE WHEN THEY COME OUT!! Then we waited to meet her JENFBDJSSHHSHDB 😭. I was getting so nervous by this point. Like I was going to meet the one person who has been there for me for so many years and I get to tell her how much I love her. We were one of the earlier ones to be sent in to meet her. Megan and Lyndsay were in front of us and a free they finished it was our turn.

I RAN OVER TO HER AND HUGGED HER AND SHE DIDNT LET GO UNTIL I DID 😭😭 I just couldn’t believe what was happening. She then hugged Alex and told me SHE FUCKING LOVE MY OUTFIT! She said “I love this whole outfit situation going on” I died. I told her that it’s not something I wear a lot and she said “you should definitely do!” IM OBVIOUSLY NEVER TAKING THIS OUTFIT OFF. Alex then said he wanted to wear the same outfit but we couldn’t match so he said I could wear it, and she laughed 😂 I love how we had a sarcastic conversation with Taylor Swift 😂 She then laughed at Alex’s apology for his bored resting face. I’m SO PROUD OF HIM SPEAKING TO TALOR, you have no idea! ❤️❤️ Then we were told to move to the side a bit cos they were going to open up the front door (so no one could see she was living there). This gave us more time with her and I’m so grateful! I then asked her about anxiety with singing and she gave me tips on singing and performing in front of people. TAYLOR FUCKING SWIFT GAVE ME ADVISE ON SINGING AND PERFORMING!! JJDNDJDJFJRJD. Alex then thanked her for giving him the best friends ever and she hugged us both again 😍 Then it was time for picture. We didn’t plan a pose, we just took one. SHE RESTED HER HEAD ON ME AND I SISNT NOTICED BEFORE I SAW THE PIC! It’s so adorable 😍 There were so much more I wanted to tell her, wish I had a few more minutes but I guess she had ALOT of other people to meet.

We then went out in the hallway and ended up talking to Andrea. She reminds me so much of my mom!! She is also a bit similar! I told her about my mom and that she was worried I was sleeping in the airport by my self the following night. We then talked about how happy Taylor is and she was tearing up 😭 It was so beautiful to see how happy her parents were for her 😍😍 We gave her a biiiiig hug and then walked down to the basement again. There we stood trying to comprehend what just happened. I still don’t believe it, don’t know if I ever will? We then got merch!!! We got a REP tote bag, pop socket, t-shirt, a sticker, a cap and the best thing ever, a exclusive keychain that only us on the secret sessions London got. IT WAS SO NICE OF THEM! We were then sent on the bus back to the hotel. There we spoke to Ali about confidentially again and what we could talk about and not. She is so sweet!! Megan and Lyndsay old us TAYLOR KNEW WE WERE IN NASHVILLE TOGETHER 😭😭 OMG!!

When we came back to the hotel I called my mom and SOBBED. I couldn’t even talk to her cos I was crying too much. Then I posted online on my social media about what happened and my phone wouldn’t stop buzzing.

I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR TALOR SWIFT. THANK YOU SO SO SO MUCH FOR THIS!! And thank you to Taylor Nation for giving us this opportunity, it means so much to us ❤️ The picture ended up perfect and I’m going to hang it on my wall so I can stare at it everyday 😍 I’ve been crying since Sunday cos this has been so so emotional to me. I can’t even tell people what happened without crying.

@isturkeyanickname

I’m sorry this story is a mile long 😂

Thank you so much @taylorswift and @taylornation

#taylor swift #taylornation #reputationsecretsessions #london #my story

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lolcakes91 · 7 years

Text

Anti Theory Thesis

I’m mainly a lurker and this probably just going to be me word vomiting here... So don’t mind me. :D Also shout out to all you wonderful folks and your kick ass selves in the JSE community. Going to tag some people in here that posted some stuff that resonated with me. Hope you guys don’t mind. I remember in a Q&A, don’t remember which one, Jack said that we don’t have to make every single thing into an ego. I know he was mainly referring the thumbnail pic that spawned “Rob Zombie” but it kind of supports the theory that Anti was in disguise and that this dapper Jack fellow, I’ve seen multiple names for him, isn’t a new ego. To me, either Anti is a savage and hardcore mothatrucka that ripped a dude’s mustache off. (Violent AF btw, no chill, P.S I know it isn’t a real mustache but let’s pretend it is for the sake of the “new ego” debate.) OR It was Anti providing evidence that he was, in fact, in disguise. I only bring up the Q&A point because I feel like if that’s Jack’s mindset about the egos and us creating multitudes of them already...? Then he wouldn’t readily give us another character to build. It just feels like he is trying to throw us off and miss the fact that Anti is indeed in control and in disguise. It’s supposed to be Jack in a costume but he cracks after cutting himself, or convincing Jack to cut himself. OR it’s Jack manipulating us, DUN DUN DUN!! @booperdoopcr posted a great detail that fuels this theory. Anti winks just like The Dapper Gentleman does. Though, that little detail in that sea of awesome theory may be a coincidence. But come on, who in this fandom believes in that?

I will say though, Anti is looking like a dashing gentleman is quite exquisite.

@hawkeye221b Posted a sick theory for some Anti lore. MMMMMMMM! As a d&d fan I have to suggest you read it. So good and a cool idea/inspiration. Seeing the text “Run” upside down kind of gave me a D&D and Stranger Things vibe with the whole “upside down” or “Vale of Shadows” theme. As if Jack and the other egos are trapped somewhere. That somewhere being where Anti is from? Born? Summoned somehow from? Dunno. :D BUT IT EXCITES ME. The zalgo text situation. I’d like to point out we have time traveled into the past. Or at least we think we have. Zalgo is more of a modern, computer era, code based form of writing/typing out characters that make up words. It seems a bit advanced for what would be present in the era of the video. It wouldn’t make sense if it was still zalgo in this time period/theme. So I wouldn’t say he is more powerful because he doesn’t need to use it anymore. I’d say it’s more of Anti’s modern flare. Kind of like his knife size getting bigger and bigger. XD I will agree that this video having no zalgo text does, to some degree, suggest he is strong but perhaps not stronger because of the lack of it. On top of the time traveling business, to be able to manipulate any era of media or the world around you, is impressive. As for the actual messages that we do see. Things like “Run, Smile, Puppets.” I kind of agree that it may not all be Anti. There are several different fonts/scripts being used. That plays into the multiple egos bit quite well. Each having their own personality and handwriting. If it IS Anti in disguise, then most of the messages in the beginning and very end would be Anti. Things like “Not to worry! He’s already dead! Didn’t feel a thing!” Therefore, when he cuts himself and begins to crack, the other egos surge for power and the different small fonts could be in fact Jack and the other egos, not Anti.

Did anyone notice the mention of “doc”. I’m sure you clever cats did, nothing gets by you guys. Well when Jack/Anti/New Ego cut themselves and begin to wrap their bloodied fingers in the cloth. At 5:28. He smiles and seems to be talking to himself. To me it felt like it was ze good doctor taking care of Jack. Easing his worry or pain. Kind of like. “Oh Jackie boi. Zis is okay. Just a boo boo.” You’ll notice Anti doesn’t stay for long in the video. A minor wound, an easily tended to wound, a short amount of time. A slit to the throat? A mortal wound, he stays longer.

Now that we have discussed all of that it brings us to the time traveling dilemma that seems to be prevalent in all the theories I’ve just drooled out. Oooo boy do I love some time travel theories. If this pumpkin carving video provides more than it just being a kick ass theme and a play on words to surprise us. Then I am super hyped about the prospects and theories this opens the Anti fandom up to. Firstly, his neck isn’t slit. Obvious is obvious, I know. However, this detail seems to have people thinking Anti is getting stronger. AKA he is having an easier time not glitching as much and keeping up disguises. (Though I believed he glitched fabulously and fittingly for an old timely film.) AKA he is having an easier time “Playing Pretend”. Which may be true and doesn’t sound so far fetched to me but I feel like it shows that this is a time before he has actually “killed” or “harmed” Jack by slitting his throat.

@corruptedmetadata posted something that intrigued me and gave me a thought. What if they aren’t in order? It’s a bit far fetched and probably the wonkiest idea I’ve spit in this thesis but what if some of the more modern looking videos is older than the old timey ones? I know I’m kind of contradicting myself here but we are talking about time travel and all it’s possibilities, paradoxes, alternate timelines and such. What if Jack has been dead for a long time and there really is nothing we can do. “He’s already won.” Jack really is gone, forgotten, and replaced. If Anti can disguise as him, and manipulate time, how would we know the Jack we are seeing today is actually from today. Any number of his videos could be from any point or just not him at all.

It all makes me wonder what Anti’s intentions are. I know we all have our ideas and some more concrete than others but the time manipulation changes it a bit doesn’t it? Gives Anti more of a motive to the why’s and how’s. Stuck in time, losing time, a need to have control. Is he using Jack and us to gain power to get out? To gain more power over our world or timeline? To trick us into switching spots with him? I’m curious what all of your opinions are on his motives now that we have a little more light shed on Anti.

Ahhh. I love theories. If you made it this far. I appreciate ya. I really love this kind of interaction with you guys and Jack. This is one of the only things that has really brought me out of my shell when it comes to interacting with this community more. Anyway. I bid you guys a goodnight and feel free to point out anything that may seemed too much of a stretch or flawed. I’d love to hear what you guys think. :D

#anti #antisepticeye #jse community #antisepticeye theories #jacksepticeye

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