#but I was so out of it i think I convinved myself it didn’t actually happen

[hella1975]

me and my friend have both gotten with the same guy at least once over the course of coming to uni which is all very funny between us two until she breaks the sacred code and i wake up to him IN MY FUCKING FLAT

[mcrmadness]

I just realized that my “they are no longer your friend(s), do you understand???” thoughts are actually intrusive thoughts.

INTRUSIVE THOUGHT TRIGGER WARNING ->

They work the exact same way as my newest set of intrusive thoughts that I just lately figured are intrusive thoughts. Every time I put something in the bio waste container and I’m extremely repulsed by any kind of bio waste and my brain goes like “what if we ate that?”

Or the fact I’m a teetotaler and I don’t drink any alcohol and have never done that and have never ever even wanted to, but then there’s a bottle on my parents’ table and suddenly my brain goes like “what if we drank that?” when I don’t even want to do that.

It has something to do with the fact I have been afraid of snapping (got my first intrusive thoughts at the age of 16 or 17) and doing something terrible... oh yeah, now I just remembered one very recent intrusive thought that included a desire of physically hurting myself. It gave me so much anxiety because I don’t want to do anything to myself, and then it was again triggered by an image I saw in a video game. So yeah, it’s connected to this awe that we, in fact, are cabable of just anything if we want. But there’s something stopping us from doing those things. And it’s so scary to think about that.

This is why I play video games because I can jump from the rooftops, I can look in other people’s houses, I can speed with a car and not follow any laws, I can do so many illegal things and things that would hurt me or other people if I did those in real life and it feels good in video games because it’s not real. So what prevents us from doing those in real life too? I have no idea but the core of my intrusive thoughts is “I have chosen not to drink alcohol but I also could choose to start drinking but I don’t know why would I want to do something like that in the first place”. It’s so weird because I know very well I don’t want to do that but there’s literally nothing but me and myself stopping me from doing that. And somehow I’m able to follow that decision.

I have also started to have my old so-called “sexual intrusive thoughts” back. Or in my case I’d call them as “romantic intrusive thoughts” as they mainly just are a scenario of me “snapping and randomly kissing someone inappropriate”. I am extremely repulsed by them and they make me really uncomfortable and I don’t want to think about them but they still somehow pop-up to my mind when I least expect them to. I had a long pause from these, they were quite strong back then when I had just found about the terms asexual and aromantic and was still looking for myself. I think I also had them quite a lot when I quit antidepressants in 2013 as the quitting symptoms really fucked up with my brain.

I think I can also put it under intrusive thoughts that since my teens I have always had delusions of people having a crush on me (always people I have interacted with, and it’s even worse if I have befriended them). So much so that I have sometimes been so convinced of someone’s crush it has made me extremely uncomfortable because being around them made me have nothing but these intrusive pop-up scenarios in my head about them suddenly blurting everything out. It literally feels like a reverse crush. Because I’m aroace, I haven’t had a real crush since I was 16 or maybe never, I don’t know if those were crushes of just hyperfixations because no one ever told me that something like asexuality or aromanticism exist until I stumbled upon the term online when I was 17. But even today I sometimes find it difficult to just... exist because if my brain slips into that mode where it thinks that someone has a crush on me, it literally starts obsessing with it and I feel like I’d put on some grey, stained glasses and I stop seeing clearly because I just have this intrusive-thought colored curtain in front of me. It’s really annoying and I feel like it affect my friendships with these people because in the worst case scenario I start to avoid the company of these people because the more I spend time (talking) with them, the stronger the intrusive through grows. And it literally makes me delusional. I don’t see what is real anymore. I have had this a couple of times when I was a teenager and never again. It feels terrible, like a slap on the face when someone says they need to ask something and my brain has prepared itself for a “love declaration” and then the person asks for something normal like “can I borrow a pen?” and I realize that my brain was in that delusional mode once again.

I think this might be yet another reason for why I try not to get attached to other people and why I try to keep distance, why I avoid saying too positive things and why I shy away when others do that to me. I’m just afraid of getting friendships to that level where my brain’s delusion mode is activated. But it also works to the other direction and is probably a more common phenomenon than a delusion of someone having a crush on you. It’s the old good “they hate me”. It’s a bit different feeling from the regular “everyone hates me” - this is a way more personal. I have had friends who I have lost because I was convinved they hate me and didn’t want me around anymore. I am actually still in confusion whenever I think about these cases because I still to this day don’t know what happened. I still did not know who to trust there and I still don’t know who I should have trusted. I could not trust my own yes nor my mind, nor the people involved. I could not trust anybody. It sometimes bothers me because everyone told me that no one is leaving you out but whenever I was around them, that was exactly what I was feeling like. And I’d want to know so badly what was the case, did they lie or was I just so delusional I turned them against me in my head and believed what my “intuition” said? That’s a question I’ll never find an answer to because it happened 10 years ago and I haven’t talked to those people ever since.

[christinaengela]

There are really a lot of different reasons why people want to save money – and face it, in these difficult times, who doesn’t? I certainly count myself in that group! Service time is another of those dreaded annual expenses that make car owners cringe – even if you drive an old banger that’s paid for instead of a brand new car that’s owned by the bank and costs more than a house-payment to service at the agents!

In this article I talk about saving some money in perhaps one of the easiest ways you probably never thought about!

Spark plugs! Every internal (or infernal, depending on your experiences) combustion engined car has them – and every time you service your car, either by yourself (if like me you want to save money) or if you take it to the neighborhood garage-slash-workshop, they swap out these items for nice shiny new ones! Naturally, they don’t do this for free – spark plugs cost money, and their cost forms part of your service bill – and adds up over time.

Why do they do this instead of just cleaning them? Have you ever wondered? Well, because they’re “finished” they’ll say, smiling – when they’re really fine and perhaps just a little sooty, and at worst the electrodes are coated with carbon. Underneath all that, they’re still as good as new – but cleaning them takes time and effort on their part – and as we all know, “time is money”. Truth is, they’re only “finished” if their electrodes are burned away or excessively worn, if the ceramic housing is cracked or broken, or the circuit itself is broken (“dead plug”) or the thread is stripped so it doesn’t seal against the cylinder head port.

Modern engines have electronic ignition and engine management systems which, among other things, protect and lengthen the lifetimes of these normally throwaway items, so there’s really no reason why you shouldn’t be able to just give them a clean and keep using them, is there?

Think about it: Your typical spark plug for a Citigolf, Beetle or Mazda 323 or similar costs around between R65 – R80 each, but let’s work on the lighter side for the purposes of this demonstration and stick to R65 each. Since most cars have 4-cylinder engines, they need 4 of these items – and that alone costs you say, R260.00 of your service bill. That’s not too much, is it? You might wonder what you could do with R260 bucks, especially at the very end of a dry month. The answer is, still quite a bit, isn’t it?

If you insist on it, your workshop will return the old plugs to you when you collect your car… in a plastic shopping bag – and there are various reasons you might do this: from seeing proof that they did change your plugs, to keeping the old ones for spares, or to use in arts and crafts etc. I know some people who did that in the past to see how honest their garages were – in fact, many old-school garages used to insist on doing this anyway as a matter of principle. My elderly aunts and uncles were oftimes the proud recipents of a plastic bag containing dirty spark plugs, old oil/air/fuel filters and even brake shoes when they collected their cars from the local garage!

So… you hold a dirty spark plug and turn it over and over in your hands, wondering what’s wrong with it, and why it had to be replaced? Why can’t it just be cleaned and used some more? Why not indeed?

I’m sure there are many convinving reasons a car manufacturer or service agent could come up with why a seemingly good sparkplug that still works fine needs to be replaced every time you take your car for a service… just as they shamelessly justify service plans for new cars at the agents that often cost more than a running second-hand car just for a service – but I honestly can’t think of any. It’s a car – not a space shuttle!

That aside, yes, they are dirty – and if the dirt builds up enough, it will interfere with the sparking ability of the plugs and impairs their function – which allows them to collect more carbon and build-up, making them dirtier, which means you end up using slightly more fuel, making the engine less efficient. If it gets bad enough, the engine begins to misfire, and speaking as someone who’s had to drive a car home on two cylinders due to fouled up spark plugs caused by worn piston rings, I know what it’s like!

My old beetle for example, is an old car – it will be 58 years old next year. Naturally there is a bit of wear on the engine – and being a 1200cc engine, it’s also extremely picky about which spark plugs it uses. Any plug I put into it beside the original factory-specified make and model spark plug only lasts me about three weeks before the engine begins to splutter, becomes underpowered and eventually, won’t even start! In 2015, when I got the car and before I realized the problem was the incorrect spark plugs, I bought at least four sets of new aftermarket spark plugs (which were listed as useable on that model car, but burned at the wrong temperature) and changed them out every three weeks! Anyway, at the end of 2015, I wound up holding a bagful or soot and oil-covered plugs, counting the cost, and pondering whether I could clean these things to reuse them rather than just buy another set?

It’s worth mentioning that just because a spark plug fits into the holes in your car engine, it doesn’t mean it’s designed to work on your engine! Spark plugs may even look alike, but are rated at different operating temperatures – too hot OR too cold, and they cause problems! Well, I was gob-smacked! No wonder those plugs were so badly fouled! In 2015 I’d changed the plugs so frequently that I began to wonder if the engine was on its way out and would need a rebuild… The correct plugs solved that problem. Anyone who’s had to change plug on a bug engine will know my pain!

Thing is, nobody seems to tell you you can clean your spark plugs – and in most cases, I find, they can be cleaned back to almost new condition. To my mind, this is all part of the consumerist throw-away-society mindset. It’s easier to just buy a new one and throw the old one away – yes, it’s easier – but expensive and wasteful.

When I eventually figured out the problem with the beetle and sourced the extremely elusive Bosch original specified items, I bought two sets – put one in the car, and kept the other in the toolbox in the trunk for emergencies. The correct plugs last a lot longer between cleans than the incorrect ones, lemme tell ya! It might interest you that I haven’t had to buy new plugs since 2016 – for the bug, or for my citi golf. Let’s do a quick sum here to work out what that means.

Two cars in my case adds up to eight plugs – that’s R520 (at R65 each) if I’d serviced both cars in one year – and if I’d repeated that for the last four years, it would’ve cost me around R2080 just for new plugs – which probably didn’t even need to be replaced! What a waste! Instead though, over the last four years, that’s roughly how much I saved! This is working on the conservative side, because I can bet you dollars to donuts the price has gone up a bit every year since 2016, meaning it would be more than that now!

The goal in my view, is to have two sets of good plugs – one installed in the car, and one clean and ready in the garage at home (or in your toolbox in the boot). When the time comes – old cars will let you know when they begin to miss or splutter or become underpowered, or you can just do it once a year come service-time – you swap out the plugs and then clean the dirty ones at your leisure and put them aside for when needed again.

Let me tell you how I reached my conclusions – there are a few ways to clean spark plugs. In the course of my research, I tried two methods.

The first method I followed was to burn them clean – that’s right – with a gas torch, and then wire-brushing them until they’re free of any build-up. The conventional wisdom about this method (according to various YouTube video fundis) says you should apply the flame until all the build-up glows red and then turns gray and begins to fall off on its own, and then you can brush off the rest – a sort of fine flaky gray ash, using a hand-held wire brush. The end result – about ten or fifteen minutes, and maybe one or two light burns later – is a shiny, smooth, fairly clean plug. Courage, you still have another three to do. *Sighs*

Yes it does work, but I found this method slow, messy and labor-intensive. Basically, if you’re not doing the actual cleaning all the time you’re cleaning them, they remain dirty. Thus, the task requires your full attention for the duration of the job. There’s also a distinct risk of injury – you’re working with a very hot flame that can cause grievous injury after all – so it takes concentration and focus to avoid accidentally sustaining burns – and face it, it can happen! There had to be an easier, safer way – and there is! Chemistry! And a little common sense!

I advise against the gas torch cleaning method, especially if you’re not confident in using fire tools like gas torches! Besides, I look better with eyebrows, and I’m sure you – like me – have better things to spend that much of your time on!

I had much better results with chemistry – it was less trouble, less time and attention-consuming, and it’s easy-peasy. You need four small shot-glasses for this task – or one per plug – with just enough space inside it to hold the electrode end of the plug and a bit of fluid at the bottom.

Without even touching the plugs with a wire-brush yet, I poured a little brown vinegar into the glasses – just enough to cover the threads. Then I added a small amount of bicarbonate of soda powder – just about a pinch – to the fluid before inserted the plug into the vinegar at the bottom of the shot glass. I left the plugs in a quiet undisturbed spot overnight for the chemical reaction to do its thing. The next day when I got home from work, all it took was a little light wirebrushing to completely remove the grime and a little drying with an old rag! I was surprised at how clean they turned out!

This is simplicity itself – all you need to do is pop them into the glasses with the fluid mix, leave them overnight, and the next day give them a quick brushing and lubrication! Remember, you’ve already fitted the clean plugs to your car as you took out the dirty ones, so you didn’t need to wait for them to dry before using your car!

You’ll see in the pictures below how nice they look! Spray them lightly with Q20 to safeguard against rust while they wait for their next shift, and you’re good to go!

Remember to check your plugs between changes for the correct electrode gap (consult your car-care manual for instructions), and for excessive wear – cleaning them can’t fix physical damage!

If you’re lucky, you might never need to buy spark plugs again – think of all the money you could save! 🙂

That’s all for this time, have a D.I.Y. day!

Pictures included – enjoy!

Cheers!

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If you’d like to send Christina Engela a question about anything on this site, or her life as a writer or transactivist, please send an email to christinaengela@gmail.com or use the Contact form on her author website.

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Easy DIY Moneysaver – Clean & Reuse Your Spark Plugs There are really a lot of different reasons why people want to save money - and face it, in these difficult times, who doesn't?

[what-to-imagine-next]

So why I made this blog is to cope and rant and stuff

Yeah yeah I’m just a stupid teenager and my problems don’t ever really mean anything, especially when it comes to stupid high school drama, but I do have actual problems.

Here’s my stupid rant or what ever.

Two days ago I lost one of my best friends named Ahrlenny Wendy Hernandez, she was battling leukemia for little under two months, perhaps longer but that was when she was diagnosed, prior to that she had been in the hospital for a month ish due to having liver and gallbladder problems, she even got her gallbladder removed due to having stones. Anyways so she had missed out on a month of school and when she finally came back for little under two weeks, she was feeling extremely poor again. She went to the hospital and they did blood test after blood test after noticing an extremely low white blood cell count.

She called me and some of her our other friends in our chat and told us while crying that there was a massive chance of having leukemia. We reassured her and said it was unlikely and that if she did have it we would help her over come it and help her heal through out the entire process. The next evening, I get a group call in my a group chat with my little gang that included Wendy on snap chat. She is balling now, saying how she has it, Julianna and I once again reassured her that she would make it through this with us by her side over that call, then we told Sophia, Aileen and Raven that night, who then reached out to her to say the same as we did to her. We would help her heal, do cute stuff with her like videos for youtube about makeup and gossip and everything we could for her.

She started chemo, this was about a month and a half ago, maybe less. She was doing fine, the chemo wasn’t even making her sick nor throwup even. She even still had the energy to keep her streaks up the entirety of her poor health. She was texting us in the chat about doctor stuff. We would tell her the latest band drama and she would laugh or sass in a reply to what happened with us. It was simple enjoyable moments I should have paid more attention to.

We were told to tell certain friends in band about her having the leukemia, she didn’t want people to all know about it, whether fear of misjudgment or not wanting pity I’ll never really know. We told everyone we needed the very next school day. The day we told people, Aileen and I told people to make cards and such to give her when we were going to see her in the hospital for the first of two times. We got a white and purple orcid and two stuffed bear animals. But when we called the hospital that day after school she was in surgery for taking bone marrow out of her hip and we(Jacob, Aileen, my mother and I) decided to visit her the next day, though she said she wanted to see us either way. We wanted her to rest and promised it for tomorrow. We got an actualy card instead of some scratch paper, and had all the people who knew sign it to our best ability.

Aileen and I got picked up by my mom and we had the card, the flowers and the bears all with us in tale. We were excited to see her for the first time seeing for in about a week or two. We wanted to tell the tea irl now.

We got to the local hospital, asked for Ahrlenny Hernandez and put Aileen Martinez and Isabella Duncan for our visitors passes, though Aileen was Eileen and Martinez was Maritinez, but my name was spelt correctly haha.

We were then guided to Wendy’s room and go to see her cute, dumb, smiling face. Her Spanish only speaking family was there, her mother was talking to her sister, her Father was watching soccer on the TV and her little brother was as energetic as always. It seemed rather normal for them to be there.

We went over to Wendy gave her our gifts and our card, and one extra bad card that talked about being her plug from some kid in band once she got better, and for wendy to subscribe to his youtube channel. Werid plug but ight.

Anyways, it was pretty chill but Aileen and I were also pretty awkward around her family. We had fun, talked shit about some band kids, talked about what we would do after this all finished. Everything seemed so perfect, so calm, so hopeful.

I then got a text from my mom asking where we were as we had been in there for an hour, and she wanted to go home. We hugged Wendy goodbye for the second to last time ever. And went home. Then we kept texting in our snapchat groupchat, everything was going alright, chemo was doing it’s thing, it was looking up.

Three weeks later Aileen and I planned a sleepover on for February Second, where we planned to visit Wendy the next day and spend as much time as we could with her. We tried to bake cookies for her and her family, but at Aileens, she didn’t have butter, just this butter like spread, and no brown sugar just normal table sugar. We tried to make it work, but the batter cooked to odd for cookie like texture, so we tried to make two cookie loafs, the first one I messed up due to not baking it enough and the second one was pretty good if I do say so myself.

We slept pretty hard that night, and woke up to get our stuff together and go visit Wendy. My mom had work at 11:00am, and would give us a ride at 10:20am- it was 9:00am when she said this but my stupid ass read it as ten-twenty like in ten to twenty minutes. Rushing both of our selves ready we waited and then we realized the the wrong in my reading and waited.

We got to the hospital at about 10:45am, and asked for Ahrlenny Hernandez once again little did we know for the final time. We got to her room which had her(duh), her nurse, her mom, her dad, two aunts, and her little brother. It was p a c k e d. We went over to her, hugged her hello, and sat down near her bedside. She was getting chemo as we entered the room too. She had gotten pale but nothing near to looking deathly, she had lost some weight as well, and was eating a bad of sun chips and drinking water when she was getting the chemo.

I had a bag of mini-marshmallows and proceeded to eat about 4/5ths of the package, it stated to “have fun with your yum” but also to eat one at a time but little to late I was eating them by the handful. It was amusing to us three, even the nurse! So we talked and gabbed about the latest band stuff, like about gigs, fundraisers, drama, gossip and funny stories that she sadly missed. We were laughing and having a lot of fun. I told her about the cookie loaf situation which made her laugh, same thing happened when I explained that whole 10:20am not ten-twenty minutes. It was so fucking wholesome and fun, and I wish I got to savor it more.

At some point her uncle and cousin showed up and barley said hello to her and just started watching soccer which was pretty sad and funny all in one second. Her two aunts when they showed up hugged her and gave her a stuffed animal and food.

As we were talking about all the things we wanted to bring up she even asked us what color wig she should get, purple or blue? She said. Purple always worked great on her.

I started to text our chat to invite them to say hi to Wendy at the hospital but they had work or family problems and couldn’t go, so I texted my friend Gustavo, he was friend with Wendy and in the same band we both played in. We convinced him to come and said he wasnt gonna walk, but said yes. At some point she was supposed to get up and do some walking around the area to keep her self moving and such, but I convinved her to stop at this little side room that had this airhockey machine in it.

Of course she and I played against eachother, and it was a lot of fun, but mid game, in which I was agressivly playing, she stopped cause she had gotten a phone call from her mother, turns out Gustavo had shown up to the room a L o T quicker than we expected and so we walked over to him and brought him to the air hockey room, made jokes and had fun, I still however was playing pretty aggressively and at one point she didnt even have to try and I was pretty much playing against myself. It was pretty funny as I even hit the puck off the air hockey table top a few times like an idiot.

We finally rested a little and then we walked with Wendy around about two or three laps around that part of the hospital. We got back to her room and talked for a little bit more. But my mom was saying I needed to get home to shower and clean my room. So we said our goodbyes and hugged her for our last time ever. Aileen and I where there for nearly seven hours, when we finally left. We got a ride from Aileens mom. And that was the last time I ever got to see Wendy’s smile and hear her laugh for the last time.

We still texted for the following weeks, she told us little over two weeks ago that she was finally let go to go home, but that she would have to go to LA or Sanfransisco for better chemotherapy, She said La as in Long Beach she has family. And we wished her luck like we always did.

About three to four days before her passing, on Friday or Saturday, she sent us an update, her last one. She said she went back to the hospital because she had fainted onto the ground. She got her blood tested and once again she had extremely low white bloodcells. She said that she was sent home and told to eat every 2/3 hours and that she would be fine. We had little communication the day or two before her death. Mostly silence. None of us noticed reall, just thinking she needed time alone or something.

Tuesday morning she passed away, I don’t know if she went painfully or in her sleep. I don’t know if she was home or at the hospital. I don’t know if it was the leukemia, the chemo or if she got sick from her family. I don’t know. All I know is that that day I was talking about raising money for her to my school counselor and for two hours after I got home I was getting notifications from many friends if the rumors were true.

I was in disbelief, no no no! I was thinking it was some sick disgusting joke. I hoped it was. It wasn’t, her cousin posted on his social media wishing a good rest finally after a fight she had with her life.

The next night was spent getting all the photos I could of Wendy, I made about five posts on instagram/snapchat stories and four on instagram that day about her. Who she is and was to me. I also spend that night calling people to inform them of our loss of a musician, a friend, a sister and a family member. I called my old band director even. So many calls, so many texts, so many fucking tears. It took till Wednesday night to know it was real, a gofundme made by her sister to raise for her funeral and rest. Its all real.

She was taken away in the blink of an eye, she fought hard but lost. And I fucking hate that someone like her lost, she’s so fucking strong. I never got to say my last I love you to her. No last goodbye. No last stay safe. Nothing. Everything taken from her, her family and friends all so quickly.

Stupidly enough drama about her death accured after, the day after we had found out, literal hours after we found out, one of my friends posted a story to her instagram stating how she loved Wendy like a sister and how she’ll miss her and someone who hated Wendy proceeded to ask her “did u tho” hours after most of us had found out.

Then today, Thurday the 28th of February, finally a moment of silence was made, no one in my class and in many others did not stop talking during it all. And apparently it felt rushed and disingenuous by the person who had made the announcement about the now passed 15 year old girl.

It’s all fucked. This situation. But fuck man I just wanted one more minute to tell her how lucky I was to have her as my friend. But I didn’t and no one did get that minute.

Goodbye my friend. Stay safe. Please.

P.S. the long instagram discription is one of my poster about her.

[fallformypennotmyheart]

How is it that 6 months later I find myself in a position I didn't think I'd be when I was packing my bags. You see, when I finally decided to leave It wasn't an impulse It wasn't a rushed decision or a moment of pure indecisiveness. For months I held your hand and it felt colder each time I promise I hated myself for that I battled with myself for so long, trying to convinve myself that this meant nothing, that I was just losing my mind. The matter of fact was however that I was no longer in love. Everyone thought I was mad to end what we had Because you were perfect and I'm starting to think that maybe they were right Maybe I overreacted. What if you were it for me and I just let go and now it's too late? I still think about you when I see cute couples on the street and always think to myself that we were better. When other men come to me, I don't connect with them. I sometimes compare them to you Find traits you had that they don't. They don't pull my chair like you did and they don't laugh at all my jokes. They don't know when I'm being sarcastic and they don't think my obsession with animals is cute. Then again, maybe I engraved in my mind a memory of you with only the highlights of all we shared. Maybe the reason I left is a blur because it helps me feel good that maybe I am capable of functional if I've had it once. Maybe I don't like to remember the times I cried or when I'd open my eyes while we'd kiss because there was nothing there anymore. Maybe it's easier if I don't remember how you didn't listen to me anymore when I talked. You'd only hear. Maybe you got tired of me or maybe I got advantage of the fact that you could stand me for who I was truly. Maybe I liked that you were in love with my naked soul and I wanted to push you until you reached the edge just to see how far I can go, before I can sabotage myself. The thought of you lingers in my mind very often lately and I'm afraid that it's regret for leaving Everytime we talk, I'm so ready to tell you a joke or sent you a video that reminds me of us and how silly we are But then I remember that we are not in present Only in past tense Perhaps when all the distractions are gone Now it's when I realize that it's over. I don't get to drive around town and numb my feelings I don't get to flirt with others I don't get to hang out with my friends until I feel like I don't need a partner at all. The truth is, i'm still a kid but I am in a big city in a cold apartment that has a double bed that I just can't fill. The truth is, the thought of you makes me feel like i'm not alone But maybe it's just the idea of you that I like. Maybe this is when you know it's over. When you are in love with the ghost instead of the actual person.