#but I've also been sick and/or in pain pretty much since 2018. and some of that was fixed last year when I had my gallbladder removed but i

[running-in-the-dark]

well I can already tell this is gonna be a bad night

today has just been fucking weird and hard. I'm in a bad mood. everything feels bad. (probably not helped by me not taking the new antidepressant last night so I wouldn't sleep all day)

the plan was for my friend to come over this weekend to help me pack. she did that last time and it helped a lot. (my husband could help, obviously, but he's in charge of other things that also need to get done. plus he's very bad at putting things into boxes.)

but the rail strike is still going on so it's likely that she won't be able to get here (or get back in time). so now that's suddenly a lot more stressful and the one thing that I thought would make it go okay is gone.

and I also have to like. at least reread my thesis a few times or whatever to study for the oral exam on Friday. which will make me want to die. because it is bad. so. that will be bad. and the thought of being asked questions about that piece of garbage for 30 fucking minutes is so horrifying that I genuinely do not know if I will be able to get through it without taking my Lorazepam beforehand (which I know is a horrible idea, and my psychiatrist told me twice that it's a bad idea, and I know it would just make me unbelievably stupid. but holy shit that is the scariest thing I can imagine.)

and of course instead of doing anything useful I'm now just sitting here feeling like shit (like last night, only worse)

[godshideouscreation]

Secret: I’m still in love with and deeply worried about my ex. We’re both recovering addicts and when she left me I was completely self-destructing and she left me for someone in our orbit so I just kinda went harder, but I lived and got clean. She and the new guy have been together for five years and engaged for most of that time and have also been to rehab, but he keeps relapsing and I worry about her constantly, not just because she’s dealing with that but about her relapsing as well. Some part of me wishes we could be a thing again but I know that won’t solve anything, I just want her to be happy and healthy, and I don’t know if I can give that to her either.

Loving somebody who is struggling with an addiction while you are also struggling with an addiction has got to be one of the most painful experiences I've ever had in my life. So I just have to say to start this off that I'm sorry that you're going through that. Watching someone you love be unable to get their life together while you are trying desperately to get your life together is a lot.

In 2018 I was in love with a heroin addict and struggling with a (benzos) pill addiction. In a lot of ways, we leaned on each other and depended on each other for support. I talked to him everyday, I was there for him through truly fucked up shit. Through rehab several times, and even in times where his own family didn't talk to him. For all the time he spent in prison. I put money on his books so that he could make phone calls and eat something other than prison gunk. I've never loved anybody in the way that I loved him and I probably never will. It was intense, consuming. For almost 2 years he was clean, and when he got out the last time, he relapsed it ended up killing him. On the night that he died he told me he loved me, and then he hung up a phone and stuck a needle in his arm and died.

I've never wanted to die more in my life than when I found that out. And that's from somebody who has struggled with my mental illness from a very young age. That's saying a lot because I had several suicide attempts before I even turned 18. I felt like what was the point? We were working towards this future that we both wanted so bad. I felt stupid. I was so angry. So fucking hurt. Even though I knew from struggling with my own addiction how hard it was. He was the one thing that was keeping me together and keeping me from falling off. I had to start focusing on myself. I had literally poured everything out of my cup into his. I've never felt more empty in my entire life. I've experienced other kinds of loss since then, but nothing that has monumentally fucked me up like that. I've been clean since 2018 because of that. Because I never wanted to make anybody that I cared about feel the way that I did. I got pretty sick from withdrawal and the one thing that kept me going was that awful feeling, and not wanting to give that to anyone else.

I'm telling you this because even though you absolutely can love somebody so much, with every fiber of your being, you can't love them into getting their life together. Sometimes the only thing that you can do is just continue to focus on yourself. And honestly, it does seem like her situation is not a good one. It seems like she leans into somebody who is not healthy for her and you said that y'all are in the same orbit, so I'm sure it's hard to watch that. My best advice to her would be to focus on herself, but sometimes it takes that kind of experience before you can even think about focusing on yourself. I was stubborn as hell and I don't think there's anything that anybody could have told me that would have made me step away from him. The only options were get clean or die trying. I don't know if y'all are still friends or talk at all, I think it's valid to want to be there for somebody! but I don't want you to do it at a detriment to your health or your success either.

Keep focusing on you. Keep your life together. Maybe there will be a time when you guys both have a place in each other's life. But don't make that your priority.

[caszscountrycraftsblog]

Update

Hi all,

I haven't posted for a while due to three issues. First up I have had the flue which sat me on my tush being very sick for three months. The flue seasion this year in Australia has been very bad with a lot of deaths.

After developing a really bad chest infection & having trouble breathing I ended up on several lots of antibiotics and cortisone tablets to get on top of it.

I am now over the flue thankfully which with having my flue shot late & the flue running through Australia early it didnt help me this year. Although in saying that I didn't get pneumonia so that was at least a posative.

Im still having treatment on my face which weve been travelling to Melbourne fortnightly which also hasnt helped with trying to stay well. Hospitals are not healthy places.

I am finally on the end of that so am now on Monthly appointments as of next month which Im actually relieved with as the traveling is crippling me atm.

We travel over 600 kilometers to my Accommodation so its a few days of traveling than running around for appointments.

Being patient 0 now since 2015 has been difficult. Mainly as with them never having done this type of facial reconstruction work done it has ment a lot of operations & appointments, due to trying new techniques and correcting mistakes, but on that note we are finally experiencing a win there and I should be finished by the end of October.

They are now also training other surgons in this area & working on other patients so knowing this is pretty humbling as others are now getting there pallets reconstructed better and are now having teeth implants put into newly developed jaw reconstructions which has come from me fighting the hospital systems here wanting a better quality a life.

So there has been many Nurses, surgeons, Specialists, Therapists, Speech therapists helping me fight to live and try to give me a better quality of life! For that I'm extremely grateful & lucky.

Some of my surgeons have also flown in from Canada, Germany, England & France with my Jaw Reconstruction work. That alone was a 19 hr surgery a team of over 100 people. I nearly died as my blood supply failed and because it was life-threatening I was operated in under 30 days. I also missed my youngest daughters wedding from my jaw reconstructions which I was devastated at missing due to the restrictions the hospital placed on me. She did look beautiful in her wedding dress on her wedding day though I will say.

For those of you who dont my history I was diagnosed with mouth & throat cancer in 2009. My life expectancy from my initial diagnosis was 3 to 4 years. Im still alive & have fought my cancer now for over 10 years & endured over 36 surgeries now! I was operated on 48 hours after my diagnosis so it didn't give me much time to process it & fighting it with every doctor and specialist telling me I was going to DIE made fighting it extremely difficult. Its also been extremely hard on my family & children.

From all my surgeries & hospital appointments plus operations I started crocheting & Knitting again, which is how Casz's Country Crafts was born in 2018. You can follow me & support me through Instagram at caszs_country_crafts, Facebook @CaszsCrafts & my website withFree Patterns & Wednesday Pattern Pics Blog, crochet & Knitting Accessories, Needles and Notions.

So come November I'll finally finish I hope & can move on with my life and living. Trying to keep a business running throughout this all has been difficult but Im managing to keep it their and Im looking forward to being active with my business again after all this treatment for Cancer and Cancer reconstruction work!

My Business is still alve thankfully to ALL OF YOU who follow me, purchase from me and support me. So a very big THANKYOU for that for without all of your support #caszs_country_crafts wouldn't be here!

Since January I've had problems walking, sitting and traveling which is my third problem. We finally know whats wrong which is fantastic but it too is goung to take approximately a year to get me on my feet again!

It seems I have torn a glute muscle from thigh off the bone!

Which 1 I keep tearing it with traveling, lifting and walking. At least I now know why Ive not been able to sit at my computer which I need to do to research and write all my articles plus my blogs.

We are now adapting everthing we need to at home, Ive commenced treatment but till my face is finished Im going to keep going forwards & backwards. As I'm tearing the muscle more with lifting and traveling, sitting & walking. Its definitely affected my daily life & very painful.

Im also trying to learn new computer programs to help in this issue plus where about to change my chair plus adapt aids so I can start redoing my blogs & articles. I carnt go back to all my hand dyeing yet but I'll get there.

It is at least repairable and if it dosnt want to cooperate than surgery again is an option to reattach the muscle. Im am hoping though Im able to win with a slow recovery and no surgery.

Where aiming that I csn return to work partime by November at least with all my Social Networking. Untill than I'll do what Im able as health permits.

So, as you see Ive got my hands full with a few issues at present, I'm not giving up so please stick with me with your support!

I'm definitely needing it with my Social Networking sites! Thankyou again too those of you who follow me here, on Facebook, Instagram, Pintrest & twitter! If your not on there please pop in and check me out as your support helps me to keep going forward!

Thought I'd update you all now we know whats going on. Have a wonderful week everyone!

Carey

Caszs Country Crafts