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running-in-the-dark · 8 months

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well I can already tell this is gonna be a bad night

today has just been fucking weird and hard. I'm in a bad mood. everything feels bad. (probably not helped by me not taking the new antidepressant last night so I wouldn't sleep all day)

the plan was for my friend to come over this weekend to help me pack. she did that last time and it helped a lot. (my husband could help, obviously, but he's in charge of other things that also need to get done. plus he's very bad at putting things into boxes.)

but the rail strike is still going on so it's likely that she won't be able to get here (or get back in time). so now that's suddenly a lot more stressful and the one thing that I thought would make it go okay is gone.

and I also have to like. at least reread my thesis a few times or whatever to study for the oral exam on Friday. which will make me want to die. because it is bad. so. that will be bad. and the thought of being asked questions about that piece of garbage for 30 fucking minutes is so horrifying that I genuinely do not know if I will be able to get through it without taking my Lorazepam beforehand (which I know is a horrible idea, and my psychiatrist told me twice that it's a bad idea, and I know it would just make me unbelievably stupid. but holy shit that is the scariest thing I can imagine.)

and of course instead of doing anything useful I'm now just sitting here feeling like shit (like last night, only worse)

#it'd just be so fucking nice if I could just.. have a break #it's just been nonstop awful shit since my dad's cancer diagnosis in 🤔 2015. I'm sorry but that's too long. I can't do it anymore. I just #need some damn time to fucking calm down #like yeah any outsider would probably look at my life and think 'well you haven't actually DONE anything in like 6 years'#yeah that's true #but I've also been sick and/or in pain pretty much since 2018. and some of that was fixed last year when I had my gallbladder removed but i #is still not good. first of all that did not work out so well for me. but also everything else is still not right and no one cares and I #just don't have the energy to fight to get a diagnosis #I'm just so tired #I really thought I'd just. go to uni. get my degree in 3 years like expected. get a job. move out. have a normal life FINALLY for the first #time ever #and NONE of that fucking happened #EVERYTHING WENT WRONG. again and again and again #and I am just. so. tired. I can't. I can't do it.#it feels so fucking pathetic to be like 'my life is soooo hard everyone feel bad for me' when there is just. objectively not that much wron #but it just. never. stops.#I've never had a fucking moment to just. sit down. and think. and make decisions about my life. everything just. happens to me #I just. feel so lost and stuck and doomed and it won't fucking get better! it won't! my life got better ONE TIME and it has been pure hell #since then #like. no. it won't get better. this will keep happening over and over and over #I'll never have a choice. not really. I fucked up my life permanently when I dropped out of school at 18 and tbh I wish I would've just bee #brave enough to do what I really wanted then (killing myself)#because fuck. this is not worth it #literally everyone I love is either really fucking far away or just. fictional.#I have no close relationships with anyone irl #everyone I know irl is mean and kind of an asshole. and I'm too useless to meet new people.#I just. I don't want to survive anymore I want to live but I can't have that so. what's the goddamn point #its gonna be fine. because I'm a fucking coward so I'll never do it anyway. but I fucking wish I could

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valtsv · 4 months

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stuck between "psychological horror statement" and "objectively the funniest thing you could say to your real flesh and blood dad" in the father's day card aisle

#🐉#im not gonna send either of them to my dad because i value my peace and safety but i really was tempted by the second one #'why do you have to send a card to your dad i thought you hated that guy' well the thing is one time i forgot #when i was like. ten. and his reaction was not something i ever want to relive.

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eridan-ampora · 4 months

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baby animals move like theyre playing a new video game & havent figured out the controls yet

#gray.txt #which i suppose is basically what's happening #<- guy who's only ever played video games experiencing reality for the first time: getting a lot of video games vibes from this

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sylvies-kablooie · 8 months

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i do unironically think the best artists of our generation are posting to get 20 notes and 3 reblogs btw. that fanfic with like 45 kudos is some of the best stuff ever written. those OCs you carry around have some of the richest backstories and worldbuilding someone has ever seen. please do not think that reaching only a few people when you post means your art isn't worth celebrating.

#i often wonder about how many things would be considered classic or high art had they only received the marketing #how many short films that were made for class could have been the most powerful thing you'd ever seen? if you'd seen them?#“you know the greatest films of all time were never made” etc etc #but like. these works of art ARE being made. it's just enjoyed by a smaller audience with equal impact though #i think about this one furry i used to follow on insta who had the coolest worldbuilding ever. it's been years.#thought prompted by that sketch of nimona from ten years ago that was just for a character design #posted to the creator's tumblr and now it's nominated for best animated feature film at the oscars #and by the genuine emotional reaction a fan comic made me feel. how much work had gone into it. how beautiful it was to me.#idk what to tag this but i hope whoever needs to hear it does #writing #writer #fandom #fandom culture #artist

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demaparbat-hp · 3 months

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Arsonist's Lullaby

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dendrochronologies · 8 months

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maya angelou saying the funniest thing anyone has ever said about editing, which i can never let myself forget EVER AGAIN [x]

#OK. YOU'RE RIGHT. SO WHAT? DON'T EVER MENTION THIS TO ME AGAIN. IF YOU DO I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN.#i used to think about this interview all the tiiiiime i can't believe i let myself lose track of it!!!!!!!#maya angelou #FAVE #editing #*r #god i've read this a thousand times and i still laugh every time it's so GOOD #'OK. YOU'RE RIGHT. SO WHAT. DON'T EVER MENTION THIS TO ME AGAIN'#notifications are off for this besties 💗#i will eventually turn reblogs back on but 20k notes overnight was a little too much pls slow down ✋️#also pls do not follow me unless you are desperately in love with me. i can't make silly little personal posts with so many of you here!!!!

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doom-dreaming · 5 months

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"when i was your age, i was working three jobs to help support my family" and "when i was in college i was sleeping on a mattress on the floor and living off of soup"

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO DO THAT. NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO DO THAT. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN TO YOU THAT THIS ISN'T A CHARACTER-BUILDING LESSON, IT'S JUST BAD

#have you maybe considered even once that an 8-5 job is not the natural human state #'i never had a job with so much leisure time'#YOU NEVER WORKED A SHIFT JOB #EVEN WHEN YOU WERE SCRAPING BY IN COLLEGE #I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU THINGS HAVE GOTTEN EVEN WORSE SINCE YOU WERE MY AGE #screams forever and ever #sorry this is literally just incoherent venting

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abisalli · 3 months

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Jason but he wears this helmet 😼

#jason todd #red hood #dc comics #batman #my art #digital art #just something really quick because I saw these helmets for the first time a few days ago and have been thinking about them ever since #won’t tag dick because he’s not even really here #also dick doesn’t know what he’s talking about cause those helmets are sick as hell #mister hypocrite DISCOWING grayson

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possamble · 5 months

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oh they super understood the assignment this time holy shit

#dungeon meshi #dungeon meshi spoilers #falin touden #i know this is supposed to be super scary and it IS #but also oooh ma'am are you free on thursday jesus christ #i can't get enough of seeing her angry and violent and not at all pleasant #perhaps this is the first time that face has ever made those expressions #dungeon meshi episode 17 spoilers

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hinamie · 11 days

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10 years later

#my art #jujutsu kaisen #jjk #jjk fanart #jujutsu kaisen fanart #yuji itadori #fushiguro megumi #nobara kugisaki #itafushi #itafushikugi #jjk spoilers #jjk manga spoilers #least heterosexual group photo ive ever drawn tbh #u have the kings of subtle pda and their judgy lesbian third wheel #this does remind me a lot of the kind of art i used to do jhgdjghdfj #specifically that one furuba main trio piece i did forever ago. same vibe better art #anyway......i tried my best........ i tried so hard #i do not know how old they look . the goal was 25/26 but atp i've gaslit myself into thinking they look the same #especially megumi im so . throws hands in the air in defeat #but idk what else i can do cries at least i like it??? i think???????#i don't know!!! if they look younger than 25 whatever!!!!!!!!#why is it so hard fr me to make chars look older im gna slam my head against the door #maybe its fine. idc <- (lie)#in other news itfs are married fight me abt it . yuuji rockin the right hand ring fr Lack Of Finger reasons #also i am Eating nobara's fit . she might also look a bit younger than intended the more i look at her gDI why cant i have nice things #new hairstyle carrying tbh. i think she would a. grow it out and b. switch the side she parts it on to make Seeing easier #god just take it all tht really matters 2 me is low pony nobara and Rings On Fingers itfs #i did my time in yoi i know how to make wedding bands Work

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visenyaism · 4 months

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Louis: so i got into the confessional booth and i said to the priest I LAID DOWN WITH A MAN!! I LAID DOWN WITH THE DEVIL!! AND HE HAS ROOTS IN ME, ALL HIS SPINDLY ROOTS IN ME! AND I CANT THINK NOTHING ANYMORE BUT HIS VOICE AND HIS WORDS! PLEASE! HELP ME! I AM WEAK! I WANNA DIE! but Lestat, he knew where I was and he found me, Mr. Molloy. He found me and punched clean through that priest’s-

Armand on that damn ipad: